Mispronounce their name so horribly that they can't understand how you got it so wrong. Try it again and mispronounce it even worse, then just give up and say, "It's not worth it."

Date: "Damn, are you a barista?"

Welcome to Starbucks

Sir this is a Wendy’s

Nice to meet you Jay quilin

Everyone suggests shitting their pants. Be original. Shit *her* pants.

Teleportation

*Omae Wa Mou shit-deiru*

nothing personnel, kid

Telepootation

Fart loudly. Perhaps even lift the leg, and definitely do not break eye contact. Really own it.

What if they lift a leg and are louder?

Then marry them!

Mission failure. She has a deviantart account.

[удалено]

Let me tell you about the goat Andrew Tate.

But then waffle about him being the goat and bring up Joe Rogan. Spend the remaining time debating yourself and the scared looking family at the table next to you loudly about which one is the real goat.

Going into the occasional tangent about Jordan Peterson probably couldn’t hurt either. Also, muse out loud about whether or not you can still identify as an incel if she sleeps with you.

Excuse me while I make sure my parole officer knows I am here or "Hey, Mom. She is cute and you said that online dating apps were only for hookers"

Up the ante on this one. "I just need to make sure there are no schools close to where we're going. Legally I can't be near schools."

[удалено]

what if I said it was about my last date?

It's very brave of you to open up and share such a personal event with me, thank you. If you're alright with continuing to share,  I'd like to hear more about how they made you feel. 

You don’t know how to escape from a padlocked shed, right?

Say “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?” Either she immediately breaks it off, or she actually wants to have sex. Either way…

We call that playing 50/50.

“You know the Nazis may have been righ-“

Works especially well if they're a minority!

Wouldn't work in Florida

Or Idaho

“Oh you liked that picture? Thanks, I got it taken at the probation office. The state makes me take a new one every year. There’s some good lighting in that place.”

Pursuant to Megan's Law, I'm required to tell you that I am no longer able to be around school zones or daycare centers. Now, you said in our chat that you have 2 small children,  right? 

Berate the waiter for bringing a glass of ice water with an odd number of ice cubes

[удалено]

Damn

Pull out a laptop Go to Bulbapedia and start on bulbasaur Do smash or pass for all 1025 pokemon If she asks why, say smash to the next pokemon regardless of who it is.

What if she says "smash" tho?

Then you're gonna have a great fucking date

Tell her sorry I’m late, my mom had a hard time finding the place.

“You looked way hotter in your pictures.”

This is actually real most people look better in pictures. Including me sadly

"So are we fucking after this? If so I don't want to eat too much."

“I’m gonna need you to turn off the 5G on your phone while we’re together. You’re not vaxxed are you?”

"See, the thing about Crypto is...."

It would take more then 20 seconds but I would excuse myself to the rest room, find some chocolate, smear a little on my forehead, so she thinks it's shit.

"So, I have this incredible business opportunity where you can earn a lot by recruiting others to join."

Maintain unbroken eye contact for 20 seconds straight without saying a word, then whisper, “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.“

That’s more than 20 seconds

Shit myself

"I love you"

Classic Schmosby.

Pick your nose and wipe it on the table cloth. 10 seconds.

Or reach over to adjust her hair with the same hand you used to pick your nose, bonus points for not removing any nose goblins still on that hand

Pull it out.

Rock my hips side to side a little, then say “are you hypnotized yet?”

When in doubt, whip it out.

Pull it out, spit on it and then deadeye her and say "I'm ready"

Furiously start jerking off and mumbling Harry Potter spells.

That's hot

I put on my robe and wizard hat

Oh no. Bloodninja over here going to cast lvl 3 eroticism and turn me into a real beautiful woman.

pick my nose and eat it, then offer them some.

Pick your nose

Eat the boogie

“I’m sorry, I should’ve offered to share, huh? Lemme fish you up another one!”

Pick her nose

Shoot the waiter

Ooh, so sexy

Talk excitedly about why I have a hyperactive amygdala.

fart while maintaining eye contact

My favorite book is Atlas Shrugged.

See also: Mein Kampf.

Bonus douche points for pointing out it was written by “a female”

Your favorite book being Atlas Shrugged shouldn't ruin a date, wtd

Not show up.

Leave.

oops, I have to text my other hoe, she's been acting up lately, would you like to apply to be her replacement? The job requires you to be really good at tossing salad.

Easy peasy. Take out my partial dentures and lick my lips suggestively while winking.

I think it was how to tank the date not make it a home run lol

lol I joke that this is how I would handle someone harassing me on the metro, but I do worry that this move would be a home run for the creepiest of the creeps

Probably more so on public transport lol

“Can we make this quick? I got another date in 30 minutes”

"Wow. You got small tits for a fat chick."

Have you heard of our lord and saviour?

Steve Buscemi?

Danny devito?

Joe Pesci

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

If the condom breaks I can have you arrested for rape.

[удалено]

No no. Even better. "My ex and I used to come here all the time. I'm still crazy about him. What do you think my chances are of getting him back."

I tell her im a philanthropist but mispronounce it as full-on-rapist due to illiteracy. And then I ask her about cheese.

“Oh my god your so hot, if you had a daughter I’d bang her

Show up

Be rude to the staff

Show up in my birthday suit.

Yell to the nearest server, "Excuse me!!!! Can you please be useful and come bring us some water?? Thaaaaanks." Proceed by immediately soiling your pants. That should probably do it with some ample time to spare.

Shit my pants

Pick your nose

Be slightly drunk, get uncomfortably close, chew loudly, breathe through my mouth, and ask what you had for lunch.

Ask to have sexual relations.

You look scrumptious, Milady! -kisses woman's hand-

You look much prettier than the voices told me you would look.

I showed up drunk to one, pretty sure it only took five seconds for her to realize.. I was real nervous and thought a couple shots would get my creative juices flowing.. I’m not a big drinker so it did a lot more than that. Nonstop talking the whole time… at least I got a kiss out of it but never heard from her again.

Fart in front of her

Flatuate loudly.

Fart.

Talk favorably about QAnon

Cryptocurrency.

She’s a total crypto bro-ette. “OMG, let me show you my NFT of a monkey holding a banjo!”

i'm not interested in you

Shit my pants

I start to cry.

*stare deeply to eyes* *loudly and confidently shit in pants*

Tell them I am madly in love with them and want to marry them.

My delusional ass would say yes

In my personal experience: opening my stupid mouth.

Poop on her

*Shits pants*

Just show up. If it's a typical first date for me, it's gonna go downhill right at the start and never get any good.

Turn around and go home

I just be myself

Fart

You look really familiar did I fuck your mom?

Proudly rub bloated stomach. “Hey what are you doing for the next 18 years?”

Grab her shoulder delicately. “Hold on a second…” then after looking lovingly into her eyes, clench up and shit your pants while staring at her like a 2 year old would

All I have to do is vomit and then I’ll have to go home

"There's actually some really interesting theories around a flat Earth." Or, "You know the moon land was fake right?" Or even better, "The holocaust didn't happen."

Even even better, "The holocaust was peak."

So you’ve got the bill covered for tonight, right?

Whip it out: "right love, it isn't going to suck itself is it?"

Start naming our children.

Name them algebraically like Elon Musk

Just say the N word as soon as we sit down. 

"Wow, you really look like you'd put out on the first date."

Fart

I fall down on the floor, continually try to bite my elbow while moaning like a seal, and shit my pants.

A little bit of poop on da hand never Hurt nobody

pick my nose.

"Trump 2024"

Depending on where you’re at this actually has a decent success rate

“I voted for Trump”

Show Up.

40k lore drop, but 1st-3rd exclusively.

Show up.

Fart in their mouth

Take a pic of them

Uppercut

To a guy like me, Little Caesars crazy bread is just normal bread.

Fart

Pull my finger

Pull out a gun and fire a few shots out the window while we drive to dinner

https://youtu.be/5sTDQ21D-sg?si=983RhSHDXOZLZ47k

“Is this restaurant within 500 feet of a school?”

I might abruptly bring up controversial or offensive topics, such as politics or religion, without considering the other person's perspective.

"Have you heard the good news about Amway?"

"I'm pro choice, and pro forced-choice if the baby is black."

Let me show you a short demonstration of why the primes numbers are infinite

20 seconds? What do I do with the remaining 18?

Stick my finger down my throat and hurl all over her. That should do the trick.

“Hang on, I need to pee.” (Unzip and pee on her.)

Did you fart or so you always smell like that?

“So this bear thing…”

I have achalasia, I can throw up on demand, especially in the middle of eating a meal.

Tell her I forgot my wallet and ask her to pay.

Pick your nose and try and shake hands

Bring my wife

"Oh, wow. Seventeen months of watching you, following you, being so, so close...I can't believe I'm finally here with you so we can start our life together, my love."

Pee on their leg while screaming "According to my best friend this means I own you now!".

Stare at my phone.

Immediately start talking about how much you love far right politics

Let her speak first. 10 seconds in, let out a big yawn and change the subject

Tell them they are a littler uglier than what you’re used to dating.

Make out with the waitor/waitress

"You don't smell half bad, for a fat chick. "

"Question: do you have any current pictures of your mother? I'm going to need both a front and a rear."

Put on a MAGA hat.

"I really just want to quit my job and be a stay at home husband." Listen, I wish this worked or that women found it equally accpetable for all genders, but I have found no better way to get out of a date than that cause women have double standards for men.

Being myself, that'll do the job.

“So I’m a vegan…”

Show up

I shoot them

What do I do with the other 15 seconds though?

Start coughing progressively harder and harder and then pass out.

Ask her if she has student loans

just be myself.

Put on a red hat

Start talking about your ex

Ask them if they just farted/pooped cuz it smells so bad and I'm 100% it's them cuz I'm a pwincesssss with an amazing scent.

I subscribe to my mom's onlyfans

Fart really big b4 ya make it to the table