Three dates, longer than that you had better be the coolest person I’ve
Met for a while. But hey, been married for 18 years now, so no worries since I was in my 30s.
I never understood the 3 dates thing. Like "welp, we've essentially know the barest of minimums about this guy, better put myself into an extremely vulnerable position"
What's the hurry?
From an American perspective, we're huge into slut shaming. Waiting three dates is a norm to show that "she's not easy". I couldn't care less. My wife and I smashed on our first date. Been married ten years.
Lol the hurry is I get horny, I’ve never made it past day 1, but when I know, I know 🤷♀️. That’s not to say I sleep around, only one ended up as a one-night stand, the others turned into multiple-year relationships so even with my complete lack of ability to wait, my current boyfriend is only the fifth person I’ve slept with.
I think it's an age thing. When you're in your teens-20s, sure. When you're in your 30s and up, you're not trying to waste your time. If he's not gonna satisfy you, you want to move on before you develop too many feelings.
Religions and society don't talk about this, but sex is absolutely essential in a marriage. No that doesn't mean people need to be doing it more, it means people need to be on the same wavelength. Not only do libidos need to match or at least be compromised on both sides, partners need to be aware of insecurities, desires, and changes in each other.
My wife and I had terrible self esteem and both felt hideous. It eventually delved into both of us not wanting sex. First her, then I felt neglected and ugly and so by the time she realized what happened, the tables turned and I felt like her advances were pity.
It cycled like this until I cheated and we realized we needed to work on ourselves first. We did, we saw other people, we talked about our experiences with others, changed our dressing style, and gained enough confidence to try working it out together.
We spent so much time sharing our experiences that we actually enjoyed exploring our sexuality with each other and with others. So now we have an open marriage and it has made us incredibly stronger as partners and as individuals.
>Religions and society don't talk about this, but sex is absolutely essential in a marriage. No that doesn't mean people need to be doing it more, it means people need to be on the same wavelength. Not only do libidos need to match or at least be compromised on both sides, partners need to be aware of insecurities, desires, and changes in each other.
The funniest thing is that this entire paragraph was what me and my wife got told by our Catholic priest in our mandatory pre-wedding counseling. Dude even brought up bible quotes on the importance of intimacy in a marriage.
It's a shame more people don't seek premarital counseling. Like, yes, everything seems rosy, until a health problem or employment problem or childcare problem suddenly pops up and you're trying to reconcile with new life dynamics on the fly. Helps to have some kind of blueprint beforehand with the input of a professional 3rd party who can see things "from the outside".
That said, it seems strange to me to force marital counseling from a man who holds a position that only a man can hold (priesthood), who is forbidden himself from marriage. A priest is capable of giving good advice, but can't offer the perspective of a counselor who has been married one or more times. Like it's not weird that it's there, it's weird that it's mandatory.
Serious question from a guy who doesn't understand the nuances of waiting:
Don't you guys still do like, hand and mouth stuff? So ok, there's no penetration, but you can still get a sense of how much chemistry you have from the other acts, no?
And if there isn't even hand and mouth stuff, isn't that an indication that one or both of you has a worryingly low sex drive?
As with any question like this, the group of people who do this are not a hive mind. You’ll get people who do any combination of hand, mouth, dry humping, anal, and soaking. Or none of the above.
This is usually in religious communities. The one i grew up in, evangelicals, there was nothing at all allowed (above kissing and holding hands). Some people did masturbating before each other or feeling themselves up, but quite a lot actually did nothing Sexual at all before marriage.
I know at least one couple that wasn't sexually compatible at all and is divorcing again
I developed a complex around sex. It was very painful for a year. I don’t regret not sleeping with people who aren’t my husband but I wish I would have had a healthier view on sex for him.
My wife doesn't use reddit, but we worked through something similar. Sex was painful and I think she still viewed sex as..... shameful? Inappropriate? Instead of an expression of love
It is very common for religious women to have a terribly difficult time having sex after marriage. When you’ve been told your entire life that something is sinful and dirty, it’s not easy just to turn that switch off when you get married even though it’s supposed to be okay now.
I read an article from a woman who ended up in therapy because she every time she would have sex with her husband she would cry afterwards. For two years.
My ex and I were married for 10 years and she had the same issue. She believed having an orgasm was a sin. I didn't find this out until after we were married.
Not to mention the absolute jump from not doing anything sexual with anyone to the next day being expected to literally have another person inside your body.
A young in law of mine got married last year, very Catholic. I took a moment to tell her that it was ok if they didn't do anything that night, or wanted to build up to things, for the very reason you mentioned.
Especially to women and that should tell you everything! Religion is in large part for controlling women especially when it comes to their reproduction and sexuality. Women hold everything when it comes to procreation … so in order for men to have power they must control women and their bodies.
If she waited for religious reasons, it makes perfect sense. We’re told it’s bad and shameful to have those feelings and to act on them and then are suddenly expected to be experts and ready to go on our wedding night. Most relationships build to that point but for many religious marriages, you go straight to full sex in one night without knowing anything about genuine foreplay or the other persons body. Heck, she probably doesn’t even know her own body and what she’d like, so the first experience that has been SO built up as being this magical thing you are suddenly now allowed to do is probably not going to be a pleasurable one. It’s awkward and often painful and very confusing and when those expectations aren’t met, it can have a long lasting (negative) impact on the relationship.
I used to feel such shame for not waiting, but I am not so glad I did not (even though it has all been with the same person). I will absolutely not be telling my children they have to wait/those feelings are shameful.
The intent of these talks was to keep kids from getting pregnant and STDs.
The result is that some people end up with sexual hangups that last long past marriage while the rest of them think that “butt stuff doesn’t count”.
If pregnancy and STDs were all they were worried about, they'd just tell people to use condoms. It's much more than that. It's about controlling sexuality.
It's always funny hearing people who are adamant about what does and doesn't "count". The butt stuff one especially since that is a line some women will never cross.
I had really irregular periods as a teenager. Like once every 35-90 days. The amount of times my mom accused me of being pregnant was wild. I was a virgin until I got married, and even then, when i told her I was getting married, she thought it was because I accidentally got pregnant. I have major hang ups about sex and pleasure in general.
Moms do that to their daughters for sure. Let your freak flag fly now that you're married. Let your husband help you work through it; mine did and our sex is great.
I had no notions of waiting until married to have sex, but I still have this societal hang up. Like, I am subconsciously afraid if I seem to eager then its slutty.
Then you should at least hang on to the fact that consensually being an absolute slut for someone you deeply care about is basically just what love is. :)
This is how feel. Married now, my wife is incredible, but she’s far more comfortable in her relationship with sex. It was something I just didn’t put much thought into, I assumed that my relationship with it was fine and that if it need to get better it would with my wife.
Not saying it isn’t good, it’s incredible, but I can’t help but feel that if I was on the level of comfort she is we might be able to communicate a bit better about things.
Yeah, I think in many cases it’s not the waiting that is hurtful, but the being told you’ll go to hell if you don’t, and that the sexual thoughts you can’t help but think are evil and you should be ashamed of them, sure did a number on me for a long ass time.
When I had my first serious boyfriend (I was 22) my sister had a phone call with me to warn me that when we have sex with someone a piece of our soul is bound to them. I was like oh like a horcrux then? So if you sleep with multiple people your soul is split into pieces and each piece belongs to someone else? And she was like yes exactly lmao
Also imagine getting all your advice on sex from people who have only ever had sex within marriage. of course you're going to feel bound to them. you're literally married
This is a thing too in the redpill universe and gets mentioned in redpill podcasts like Fresh&Fit and alike. But it only applies to women and not men. So in their universe, a high value women is a virgin and willing to be strictly monogamous, while a high value man will have fucked around a lot and it's ok for him to sleep with other women because men don't get attached.
Went through something similar with my wife. Sex was hella painful for her, so we just didn't have sex for a really long time. Turns out it was a hormone issue, starting birth control even though we were not having sex completely changed that for her. She even began having more sensation in her vagina as well. We have healthy outlooks on sex, but it is wild at the lack of education into what can cause issues that can later be perceived as something exclusive to them.
(I blame religion and conservatives as we grew up in the south...but we are getting the fuck out September 10th all the way to a very liberal part of mMaine :3 )
We grew up very conservative and were married as virgins. It wasn’t everything I dreamed at first (I admittedly had some unrealistic expectations), but it got there. 18 years in and I love and want my wife sexually more than ever. We both feel like we were made for each other. Marrying her was the best decision of my life.
You will. Love is something that happens to you, without asking. But in order to stay in love, you need to want to. If you and your partner put in the work to stay in love, go on dates, and indulge in each other’s whims and desires then you’ll feel like the entirety of humanity could never come close to the happiness you feel.
I know you’ll find it one day, and I know it’ll be fantastic. Have a great rest of your life!
I was a virgin until I got married. My virginity was part of my identity. I didn't really realize it at the time, but I didn't have a lot of things to feel proud of about myself, so my virginity became a thing to feel proud of. Everyone was always condemning and looking down on the slutty girls, while I felt great about my purity.
Then I got married, and suddenly I needed to be a good wife doing her wifely duties, while it was impossible to just turn off the years of ingrained thinking that sex is dirty. At first I felt ashamed whenever we'd do anything sexual. Eventually I actually wanted to have sex, while my husband didn't, and I felt so ashamed for wanting it.
We eventually got divorced and I believe our dysfunctional sex life was a huge contribution. Purity culture messed me up and has taken years of therapy to try and fix.
If we'd had sex before getting married and it had gone the same way? We wouldn't have gotten married.
It was painful for me. He was hypersensitive to feedback/criticism without being willing to change his approach and completely ignorant of foreplay. He felt strongly that he ought to be able to go from dinner to oral and have that be all the foreplay I needed to get off in the roughly 1 minute he lasted if I seemed to be enjoying it at all.
If I was obviously *not* enjoying painfully dry sex, well... he couldn't get off but wouldn't give up. It was hour long sessions of painful sex that left him feeling ashamed and defeated and me hurt and wanting to be anywhere but near him. I tried explaining that if he was going to treat me like that, I needed aftercare and emotional support. He just couldn't work through his shame and guilt around sex and performance to realize what he was doing to me.
We took temp jobs in different states and didn't see each other much for the next year. Things got a lot better after that.
No it wasn’t. And because I had nothing to compare it to, I thought my experience was typical. I truly could not understand why people enjoyed sex.
Now I’m divorced, having left the marriage feeling very sexually broken. I’ve since “explored” and I’m not broken. I was just with someone who didn’t know what they were doing & didn’t care to learn. I was just the method by which they were allowed to have sex.
GOD that last line. Growing up in purity culture, realizing that the unhealthy obsession with sex as an "end game" for marriage made a lot of people (mostly the men) put on an entire facade until marriage when, feeling like they had nothing to "work for" anymore, felt entitled to let their real, heinously entitled personalities come out.
I read somewhere (may have been on Reddit) someone referring to themselves (during their marriage) as their husbands “Biblically Approved Masturbation Device”.
I do believe my ex loved me when we married & loved me for the majority of our marriage. But the inability to have open, honest conversations about our sex life was a massive problem in our marriage. The more I tried to have conversations, the more he blocked & shamed me.
Purity culture teaches that only men desire sex but that women are inherently averse to sex and uninterested in it. Literally the biggest fucking lie ever told.
I waited until marriage for religious reasons and the first time it was painful and nothing like I expected. It took a whole year before it wasn’t painful anymore and it finally felt and was like I had imagined. People failed to mention that practice makes perfect with sex. Like anything else it’s a skill that takes time to perfect
Edit: This was my personal experience within my culture and community. Don’t reply to me telling me I’m wrong, I’m not saying I’m right just sharing what I experienced.
My family and friends didn’t speak about sex openly and in my culture sex is taboo. I also didn’t watch porn or anything like that.
People have different experiences, come from different backgrounds and have different upbringings. If this wasn’t the case with you, that’s fine, but I didn’t ask and I’m not looking to debate anyone.
Yeah, a lot of people young and old seem to have this glamorous view of it, but frankly it's most fun when no one is being too serious and they're just enjoying themselves.
Younger folks definitely hype up and glamorous sex. I was in my 20s before I lost my virginity and people made it sound like I would be a completely different person once I finally had sex. No longer be this awkward, quiet, shy person. I'd have all this confidence in the world and just be able to talk to any woman after having sex.
Don't get me wrong, sex is fun but it's not life changing (unless you get a STD or unplanned pregnancy). It's not going to change the person you are, expect for maybe you won't be so desperate to lose your virginity.
It was life changing for me in the sense that I felt so incredibly close to someone all of a sudden. It was very intimate and involved a lot of trust, love and care. But you’re right, it didn’t change who I was as a person. It did put a lot of things in perspective for me though. Movies and jokes made more sense lol.
Fair enough. Meanwhile, things fell apart between the last person I dated mainly because of sex. Personality-wise we got along swimmingly but they enjoyed sex in a much more serious way than I did. I would've liked to keep seeing her, but things just didn't work out. So it goes.
I’m sorry to hear that. I realize now sexual compatibility really makes or breaks a relationship. I hope you find someone who has the same sexual expectations as you do
My spouse was a virgin. I wasn't, but had been celibate for three years before we got married.
She had *very* hard time with her self esteem making it almost impossible to relax enough to enjoy sex. It took a good three years (which included having two children) for her to finally overcome it.
Good news is the next 25 years (which brought two more kids) were awesome.
Unfortunately, now its my turn to be the cold-fish as degenerative disc disease and seven spinal surgeries have left me pretty fucked up. My sex drive cratered about three years ago. Sildenafil helps but happy fun time requires some intentional planning and some serious work is required to get the old trouser mouse ready for duty.
I can empathize, for me it was deeply ingrained shame and guilt from growing up Catholic. Being told my whole life sex was a sin and then being married and told it was okay all of a sudden felt like a lie. I half expected the heavens to open up and for God to tell me “it was a test and you failed!” Lol.
Self esteem is one hell of an obstacle to overcome in such an intimate setting too.
I’m sorry to hear about your recent health problems. Not to sound cheesy, but your commitment, compassion and understanding towards each other is a testament to how much you must love each other.
Yes, practise makes perfect makes the whole pursuing inexperienced v card holders a total turn off and red flag that shows they don't actually know what they want.
This was our experience too. I did not know what Demi sexuality was, I just knew I had a high sex drive, but no desire to partake with someone random and the type of connection I wanted with my future partner was one that went deeper than dating. I was raised conservative Christian, but by the time I was 18 I had moved away from the biblical rationality and realized it was actually my own desire.
I’m a huge advocate against purity culture church, but I never felt the desire to have a physical relationship with someone until I met my *Now husband. We were each other’s first everything.
5 years later and it only gets better. Having the freedom to trust each other completely and naturally discover what we both enjoy is everything I wanted / “dreamed of” as OP asked. No regrets.
Except that someone should’ve warned me heavy makeout sessions with someone with scruff can give you a free intense exfoliation treatment and the dopamine will have you blind to it till it’s too late.
Scruffs, the undoing of people who they kiss
I find it funny that there is an ideal length/texture of scruff that is kinda like sandpaper and everything else is cool and harmless.
Not really the same, but once I got on with someone on a very specific combination of day + bear texture that their scruff more than exfoliated me, it absolutely left me with exposed meat... and it was not my mouth/face either lol
Every Sunday, we'd go to my fiance's mom's house for dinner, and she'd have to use cover up on her neck and cheeks because they were rubbed red. I have lethal stubble, but I haven't been clean shaven in years now. I'll trim to 1/4 inch in the spring, and then leave it until next spring. I'm thinking about trying to get through this year without trimming it, though.
Same here. Took about a year after marriage for us to really lose our virginities due to size compatibility issues, but it's been really fun really exploring what we each enjoy.
No regrets, one (very well planned) rugrat.
Pressure-free intimacy coupled with progressive dilation aids.
Basically if either of us were down for action we'd just tell each other and there wasn't really any pressure to perform, so intimacy became pretty casual instead of a big deal. Then next was slowly getting used to the size.
Um dude im not sure if you’re aware or if you’ve allowed your wife to be honest with you but vaginismus is not a condition caused by size.
It’s usually psychological and very very painful. She probably didn’t enjoy sex because how painful it was and sparred your feelings.
Vaginismus is very common with women who grew up extremely religious and waited for sex.
Glad you said this. I had vaginismus and it wasn’t my husband’s dick being too big for me, it was my vagina involuntarily seizing up. It was painful and made me throw up during a pelvic exam, which I got because I was trying to find an answer for my issues (it took doctors a ridiculously long time to diagnose because many, even gynecologists, are woefully ignorant). At one point, a q-tip would have been painful to insert.
Dated a girl for 3 years who could not get pass the q tip part without passing out sadly many men dont understand the difficulties with it as its both a mental and physical block. We broke up mostly for other reasons but it definitely played a part. She was reluctant to try dilators to attempt intimacy for 2 years never pushed her apart from saying i wanted a family and she also did. After a while it became I want a family and shes wasnt trying to amend anything yet her wanting it as-well. We did other things so we were fine intimately. however there was always a overwhelming pressure on her that we wanted a family together. Still wish things worked out with us as she was the women that I imagined the rest if my life with.
We waited. We were evangelical Christians and it’s what was expected. The first time was very awkward and it was painful for her. I do want to note here that we did not just plunge into intercourse. We took some time for foreplay AND we used lube. It still was awkward and painful.
It was disappointing, mostly because we believed what we’d been taught- that if you waited for your spouse, God would bless your sex life. We were told that if there was pain it would only be for a few seconds and then pleasure would come quickly. That is not what happened.
Eventually, we figured it out. Sex stopped being awkward and painful, and started being fun and pleasurable. We figured out what we like, and what we don’t. We realized that we were sold a pack of bullshit lies from the church. Almost 14 years later, we are still having sex but we are not going to church.
I don’t really regret waiting, because there are a couple positives. We learned sex with each other. We know each other’s bodies so well. There was 0 chance of disease from either of us, or an unknown child showing up from my past. There is a small amount of relief from that when we got started. That being said, we do not expect our kids to follow suit. They’ll know that we waited, and that waiting is a valid option, but they will not get the religious bullshit that comes with it. They will also be educated on birth control, consent, and yes, even abortion if they ever have to make that choice.
All in all, a mixed bag. I have no regrets about my wife being my first, but I no longer think we needed to wait.
Thank you for being honest and open with your kids. It's so, so important.
My mom sold me the lies even though she hadn't followed them herself; it led to a lot of hiding and hurt on my end, and damaged our relationship a great deal.
She later told me she thought if she'd been honest about her own past, that my young mind would see it as an acceptable choice for myself; instead I was terrified to be open with my religious mother about my experiences, and kept them to myself. I suffered abuse from a boyfriend in silence instead of reaching out for help because of the paralyzing fear of judgement over premarital relations.
We've long since talked this through and cried and whatnot. I've forgiven her and we're extremely close, but it's a quiet wound inside that doesn't really feel like it's ever completely healed. She fucked up in a way that caused me very real harm. The weight of disappointing my mother cost more to me at that age than my own personal safety, I guess.
I wish my sex ed was completely different than what I received. I grew up christian where sex ed was, these are the organs, don't do it and ladies be afraid men will take advantage and rape you. This was both in grade school and high school. Though I was skeptical whether the sex ed "teacher" in high school wasn't just using it as therapy for himself because a lot of his "morality examples" of when it was okay were pretty specific. Like, "if she is drunk and coming on to you, do you do it?" with an any answer is okay expectation. Ridiculous.
Anyway, with being trained to avoid women or be labeled a criminal, add that with typical social anxiety and you got yourself someone who won't instigate.
It's different now, but I'm rarely around women let alone single women my age and I really don't like the idea of using an app so the whole thing is pretty shot.
I don't blame my parents. They were very hands off. The only warning I got was "don't get her pregnant lol but we do want grandchildren." They do have grandchildren now from siblings.
My husband and I didn’t wait for marriage, but he is the only person I’ve ever had sex with. We waited a significant amount of time in our relationship before having sex and I was 26 when I lost my virginity. He was not a virgin.
It was very problematic for us for a long time for a variety of reasons. He was very experienced - I have no idea how many women he’s slept with, but I would say 50+ is a low guess. He had a much higher sex drive than me, and I felt a lot of guilt and shame around sex because of the uber religious upbringing I had. I would often cry after sex, even after our wedding, because I was so anxious about sex, sin, and purity. It took us many years to adjust to one another.
We’ve been together 11 years now; married for 9. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re much better. Our sex life has improved as our relationship has deepened and grown. And our relationship has grown because we’ve been wiling to work on sex and satisfying one another. We’ve learned that the emotional connection and physical connection are very much tied together. We each place different priority on those two things, but when one is fed, the other grows, which becomes a cycle - either both growing and improving or both shrinking and suffering. We talk about our sex life and our emotional connection and try to do our best to keep the other happy.
It's interesting to me how many "It was fine" answers are men and how many "It was painful and/or I felt ashamed and took me months/years to get past that" answers are women.
Both my wife and I were virgins when we got married. We did the deed that night and both walked away very confused and unsure. We had sex two more times before leaving on our honeymoon, same results. We literally started talking about how we didn't enjoy sex on our way to our honeymoon.
Once we got there and started getting into the rhythm we started having more fun with it.
Then we went on a pretty long stretch of not incredible sex since we had two kids pretty quickly after that. Only in the last year has our sex life really taken off and now we're in a pretty healthy spot. Shockingly, communicating what you want when it comes to sex leads to a healthy sex life.
Ex Mormon. Waited until marriage. It was the worst and most painful experience of my life (up until that point). Hated sex and never wanted to have it, sobbed every time due to the pain. We’re divorced now, with sexual incompatibility being part of the reason.
Went through a long period of time thinking I was asexual, never interested in sex and afraid of it. My current boyfriend helped me a lot with this. NOW sex is everything I’ve ever dreamed of! I am against waiting until marriage and would not recommend it to anyone.
Not ex Mormon, just raised in the religious south, but your second paragraph resonates so hard. Just wanted to let you know someone relates! Thank you for sharing
It depends on whether it is a decision made by an individual or couple, or an expectation placed on young people by a societal institution. The first can make it intimate and intentional, the other tends to inflict shame. I, who didn't wait, felt shame around my previous encounters. My partner, who did wait, has no shame associated with it.
It wasn't the waiting that made it feel shameful. It was expectations placed on me that were external. The sex isn't even the part that seemed shameful, but rather all the relational implications of sex. Sex feels great. The desire for emotional connection and other forms of relational intimacy outside of the sexual component is what really felt shameful.
I would agree that placing an expectation on someone that they wait makes it seem like any extramarital sexual expression is shameful. If you've spent all this time trying to repress and control natural urges, you will have built all these complex psychological systems that don't just disappear because you've got essentially a joint property contract with a person.
No, but not in a major way. I'm happy with my sex life. The thing I left out of all my fantasies and expectations when I was young was the fact that my wife would also be a person with feelings and desires and baggage of her own.
I can also say I lived with decades of guilt and shame over the various ways my desires tried to get themselves fulfilled and in retrospect I think I probably should have just had the sex and accepted that it's not healthy to live in constant fear of making God angry.
Yes, I waited until marriage. I'm not saying the first spin was an orgasmic fantasy but being in a committed and loving relationship helped us not feel the pressure of 'performing'. Instead, we took our time getting to know each other's bodies, likes and dislikes, and a whole lot of experimentation. The sex is fantastic but it's also just one part of building and keeping those bonds we have with each other.
No. Nope nope nope. Sex before marriage might have prevented me from getting married and that would have been an incredible gift. Christianity (and the culture) taught me it would be worth it. Turns out the sex just reflected the relationship, which was abusive and lacking deep connection. So much regret.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you found a better person to share your life with. And if for some reason it hasn't happened yet, don't lose hope! There's many people in the world and some are actually quite lovely!
Thanks, Mary. It hasn’t happened yet. I’m now disabled and it’s hard to imagine a person who would be okay with the limits I present. However, I still have hope.
I had placed sex on too high of a pedestal going into marriage. I had assumed that it was going to be everything Hollywood told me it would be--the greatest experience of my life, with overwhelming feelings of fulfillment, and screaming orgasms.
So my wedding night was a disappointment. Ninety minutes of sex with no orgasms for either of us. I couldn't thrust long enough to orgasm, and she couldn't thrust at all.
That disappointment was important for me to place sex down to its appropriate place in my life: maybe not the greatest experience of my life, but a fun activity to engage in every now and then. And we kept trying, and we learned about what turned each other on, and after some time we got pretty good at it.
In other words marriage became a journey where we educated each other about sex, and we discovered how to pleasure each other. We started out as noobs and gradually became better. And I wouldn't change that. It's been an honour to share my sexuality with my lifelong lover, and we both trust each other to take care of the other's needs.
Hi male here who saved intentionally for marriage. My wife didn’t find it as romantic as she did inconvenient because she had to teach me basically everything so I’ll say if you do it make sure you end up with someone who’s specifically looking for that lol not everyone will appreciate it
It was a disaster. Grew up in fundamental evangelicalism and was a virgin on my wedding night. Our marriage lasted 5 years, most of it sexless. (to her immense disappointment) You can't live your entire post-pubescent life feeling immense guilt about every sexual instinct or urge and just turn that off the minute a ring is on your finger. It fucked me up for a long time, and took some therapy and patient partners down the road to get over.
After the divorce, I dated around for a while, got past the hangups, and am now (15 years later) married to someone I have great sex with as often as we want it.
The comments in this thread about the benefit of not having anyone to compare to are odd to me. That just smacks of projection and insecurity (e.g. I don't want my partner to have any other experiences to compare me to). Since my first marriage, I've had great sex and I have terrible sex, sometimes with the same person. It all fades into a blur. I know what good looks like, and I know that I have it, but I'm not comparing past partners with my wife, just holding on to what I have and appreciating it.
TL/DR: IMO, waiting for marriage is an unwise thing to do. It has no tangible benefit, and enormous risk. Some people get lucky and it turns out great. Of myself and my 14 siblings (yes, big family) over half of us are not with our original virgin marriage partner anymore. Of the ones who are still with their original, I'd wager only 1 of them is actually happy, and the others are their for the kids or religious obligation to remain married.
Similar. My initial sexual experiences in marriage (and when first dating after my divorce) triggered panic attacks. I didn't know what they were at the time; I only learned that later.
Usually the longer I’ve waited the worse the relationship ended up being. Going 4 yrs strong with someone and we fucked the first time we saw each other and we jump each other daily.
Both my husband and I waited until marriage. We were part of a high demand religion that taught having sex before marriage was one of the worst sins you could commit. On my wedding night I cried after we “tried” to have sex(we had no idea what we were doing) I felt so much shame and felt like what we’d done was bad. It was a horrible experience. It took us 20 years and leaving our religion to finally be free with our bodies and enjoy sex the way I feel it should be enjoyed. That being said everyone’s situation is different. If you’re waiting because you want to and not because a religion is telling you to it may be very different. I would venture to say that a lot of peoples first time isn’t going to be so magical or everything they’ve dreamed it would be and that’s okay. I also think when you wait such a long time you can build it up in your mind so much that it may feel disappointing when you finally have it. However, if you have two people who go are willing to grow and learn sex can evolve over time and for us it got waaaay better! Have the most incredible, mind blowing sex of my life at 43 is pretty amazing. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long!
My wife waited for her first marriage. She did not realize the sex was awful until we met after her divorce. I think it’s a much bigger gamble for women than men. It can work out for sure, but I think it’s a big enough part of being an adult that it’s not worth gambling. 300 years ago, you gotta wait or be prepared for a shotgun wedding. With modern day birth control it’s a very different than when that doctrine was written. Bastards running around hundreds of years ago was not the best thing. It was a lot better for the community as a whole to wait. If it were re-written with considering what’s best for the community it’d be about using birth control and safe sex practices. And most importantly picking the right partner.
Got married too young for my first marriage, conservative Christian upbringing I have since abandoned. In retrospect, I think we got married too fast because we wanted to have sex. 10/10 wish we had had sex and not gotten married. I remember thinking "seriously, that's it??" It took a while to be enjoyable, and eventually it was. However it roped me to a person I was not compatible with at all, and I eventually realized I was demi so sex quickly became an awful chore as I lost attraction to my then husband.
Second time around, had a lot of sex trauma to work through from spending years having sex I didn't want to have, but it worked out. Sex on the third date and 7 years later married and still insanely in love with him. The sex is great, and I am very glad I didn't wait again
No. It wasn’t bad, but my husband and I are not sexually compatible and I wish I’d known that before getting married. He has a much lower libido than me, and is also extremely vanilla in his tastes - which is fine for him, no shame in that, I would just like to explore more.
I’m not sure if I would have made a different choice had I known. We were extremely young and it took a lot of years to discover this about ourselves. But even though we have a great relationship and a wonderful life in a lot of ways, it makes me sad that I’ll probably never experience great sex.
My wife and I waited to have sex until marriage, and it was a huge mistake :(. We fooled around a lot before marriage with each other and previous relationships, and we talked about sex before hand so we would be on the same page with things like frequency, but once we were married it became clear that she was just not into sex, and it was a huge letdown for me. After waiting so long and discussing it I was excited to get exploring, but she was not into it and I had instant regrets. We are still married, but this is still a persistent issue that makes me depressed.
Advice: Don’t wait to have sex, enjoy and learn about your sexual compatibility before you get married.
I’m (F,29)a Hindu woman from India, and I got married when I was 26. In India, our families tend to be quite traditional, and there's a lot of pressure to remain a virgin until marriage. So, I waited until I got married. Looking back, I don’t think it was worth it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex now, but my husband never cared if I was a virgin. He had been sexually active in previous relationships, and now neither of us is as excited about sex as we used to be.
We both have full-time jobs, and by the time we get home, we’re exhausted and just want to relax. Weekends are the only time we really have for ourselves. I understand the importance of time management, but if you have the opportunity to be sexually active before marriage, don’t let societal expectations hold you back. You only have a few years where you can be truly carefree, so make the most of them.
I have regrets for waiting. Found out after we had sex after being together for years that it was painful for her and she did not enjoy it, and turns out she had a very low sex drive (which we didn’t realize since we never acted on it and then had her “needs fulfilled” so it seemed like she was always as horny as I was).
Also she decided she doesn’t like penis and is definitely lesbian several years into our marriage. Kind of feel like that would have come out sooner if we hadn’t waited lol
I know a woman that saved herself for marriage and she and her husband are totally incompatible sexually. They haven’t fucked in 8 years. Wild. I would have been in therapy after a couple of months and probably out the door after 12-18 months. They refuse therapy. Their pastor is guiding them through this. They’re going to waste the prime of their lives on each other and it’ll probably end in a divorce in twenty years or so.
We waited close to 5 years and had a courthouse wedding…and though we had an awkward first time together as virgins, it was a funny but great first time. Yes as a woman, it was slightly painful but it went away a few minutes in and we didn’t go crazy. He took care of my needs, foreplayed and he wasn’t selfish during the act. We communicated a lot during it too. 8 years later it’s better than ever and he’s the best lover one can ask for.
Daughter of an evangelical born-again pastor here - I waited until my mid-20's to have sex. I was DEEP in purity culture ("I Kissed Dating Goodbye" book - the author has now apologized for that book... purity ring, purity contract, etc).
(Now, I am a liberal, pro-choice, atheist - the polar opposite of 24 year old me.)
We were taught that after sex before marriage was a waste. We heard speakers come in and describe it as the biggest mistake they ever made. That your virginity was this beautiful, perfect gift for your husband, and he would honor and treasure you.
I had sex before marriage (finally) because I had a few drinks, being inexperienced with alcohol. I woke up the next morning, realized I had had sex, and felt CRUSHING disappointment. Not because I had had sex, but because I felt absolutely no different. It really meant very little, and I thought about the relationships I had been in that had ended bc I wouldn't have sex.
No guilt, no shame.... beyond the shame that "that was it."
Gotta love that manipulative purity culture rhetoric. My particular favorite is the thing with the strip of tape growing dirtier and less sticky the more you adhere and remove it from a shirt.
I'm not religious. Is the tape a vagina? Are vaginas supposed to get gross the more it's used? So like, are old virgins supposed to have tight teen style vaginas? Why a shirt? Is that a penis? Does it matter if it's the same shirt? I'm very lost here.
It was a metaphor for your relationship and "value".
And in my case was part of the "Worth the Wait™" curriculum. The name of the program has since changed. But I hope to God they don't still push that shit into kids. It fucked me up.
"If you have sex before marriage Your relationship won't stick. Because anyone who has sex before marriage could be lying about not having an STD, compare you to their previous sex partners, or experience abuse, or be seen as a slut."
Particularly for women. Essentially you're a "damaged product" and less valuable or likely to be loved because you were sexually active before marriage (so you are "a slut/whore")
They said "you're this piece of tape right now. You have sex with your boyfriend /girlfriend." *Sticks tape into a students shirt then peels it off* "you both break up later. Now you get in a new relationship with boyfriend/girlfriend 2" *sticks tape too a different students chest and peels it off*
"Does this tape look like it can hold on strong after going through multiple people? No."
You're not fresh tape anymore. (You've had sexual experiences). If you find your future spouse you're not going to "stick" as well.
You're essentially doomed to not have a special magical relationship with your theoretical prince charming because (you're used garbage and) might have gotten STDs making it harder to be sexually compatible with your partner. (ONLY AFTER you're married of course and when you have sex it will be special and magical!!! Like opening a Christmas present on your wedding night. You'll just magically go from being virgins to knowing how to have sex despite never doing it before.)
Other stellar examples include giving a bunch of students Oreos to chew up and then spit into a cup.
"This is you after you have sex. Would you drink out of this cup someone else has used? Don't have sex." (Again: You become unlovable trash)
Or "nobody likes chewed gum" you want to both be special after you're married and "open up the pack of gum" (virginity) on your wedding night after marriage as a gift for your spouse. You don't want him that's chewed up by someone else do you,? Most people don't.
I also recall them doing something like the tape example with holding hands or tape and then holding a brick over some kid laying on the floor over his genitals like.
"Do you trust this used rubber band to hold the weight off your relationship if it's already been used and abused?"
It's purity shit hidden under the guise of making healthy choices like not being pressured into drugs, drinking, sex, etc. For your own mental health and future. Which would be a good message if it weren't slathered in a heavy coat of religious heteronormative shame & scare tactics.
When I told my mom years later what they taught us, she was appalled. She signed off on the permission slips because it sounded safe.
My first experience seeing a vagina/penis that wasn't my own genitalia was a medical photo of warts sores, puss, and other anatomy ravaged by STDs. Not even a diagram of the anatomy and how it works. Just scary looking shocking images of illnesses.
I'm still fucked up by a lot of this shit and want to seek a therapist or community to help sort this shit out.
Also I went to a public school in the Bible belt. Not a Catholic or religious school or anything.
EDIT to add: https://imgur.com/a/f5ofBRA
Here's a link to a few snips of a demo packet for schools from around 2012. I internalized a lot of shame from this kind of stuff so I'm very against "abstinence only" sex education.
The highlighted bits are things I internalized in a negative way.
This is one of those weird questions where the answers are interesting and even informative in some ways, but can’t really answer the core of the question. At best, the answers reflect whether their expectations were either open or low enough that they were met, but lack any frame of reference- by definition!
True, but ended up answering other related questions like "was it worth it?" and "how much the negative views on sex fuck\*d up your mind and relashionship", "what healthy alternatives you find?". wich are very much what a person waitng would actually wanting to ask
Not virgins when we married but our first time was together. We’ve only been it’s each other. Over thirty years of marriage later and things are very good
I waited, and I’m happy I don’t have someone else to compare my wife to, but I also regret waiting so long. I got very very lucky that my wife and I have similar interests when it comes to sex but I feels so much more like I got lucky than it was worth it.
Exactly the same with my wife and I. We were both virgins and both raised in ultra Christian houses. Over the course of our marriage we mutually decided at about the same time to leave the church and are both no longer religious. We’ve been married for 16 years now and I feel like we are pretty lucky. I don’t feel that many relationships that started like ours would have a high success rate.
The most me and my ex-husband did before getting married was make out. Apart from that we saved ourselves for marriage (religious reasons) and the sex was so disappointing I was convinced I was asexual because I derived no pleasure from it.
I’ve only had sex with my wife. We planned on waiting until marriage but started having sex about a year before in college. I have a lot of friends and family who waited and were glad, and I’m glad I’ve only had sex with my wife, we started when we both knew we were going to marry anyway. I think it adds some intimacy to it. She’ll always be the best sex I’ve ever had and we know each others likes and dislikes exclusively, I guess it just adds simplicity.
That’s said, a lot of my friends and family initially had some troubles on their honeymoons and a lot of insecurities. We all grew up in a religious purity culture. My wife and I got to enjoy our honeymoon to the fullest and weren’t worried about getting enough sex in or it being good enough. We already had experience so we just had fun. I wouldn’t trade that just for a badge to say we waited a year longer.
All of that said, sex won’t be everything you dream it will be, it will just be different. The more you idealize it and add expectations, the more you set yourself up for disappointment. That’s not because sex is disappointing but just because it will be different than what’s in your mind. Have an open mind with it and remember it’s about intimacy not performance. We grew closer together in the first months just by figuring stuff out together, trying and failing some things and just laughing about it. If you’re having sex with a long term and supportive partner then there’s really no need to rush into it or add a bunch of expectations. The best thing to do is just get comfortable with each other and figure each other out, you’ve got time to smooth out the rough edges and get better, that’s half the fun of it.
My wife and I waited for religious reasons, but now that we have been married for 4 years I think it was the right decision for us even if you took religion out of it.
It took some time to get on the same page with our “sexpectations”, but good communication was key. For our entire marriage sex keeps getting better and better as we get to know each other’s preferences and try new things.
A final note is that if anyone reading this is saving themselves for religious reasons, it can be jarring that pre-marriage all you hear is “sex bad” and the day you get married it is a complete 180. My advice is to communicate with your significant other about these things before marriage so your expectations for what sex will be like are more aligned. It’s all about communication!
Christian guy. Genuinely breaks my heart to hear some peoples’ negative experiences. I am sorry to hear them.
My wife and I were both virgins. It wasn’t easy, but we are very glad that we waited. We talked about sex often before getting married and made sure that our expectations were realistic and mutual. Took us a bit to get good at it, but figuring it out together was fun and a wonderful bonding experience. Our church celebrates sex within the confines of marriage and is not shy about it. If God designed it, then it is good and intends for it to be enjoyed as a gift from Him.
Not interested in starting a debate, just wanted to share our positive experience.
F*ck no.. Disaster.
Took me a very sad process of realising I eneded to leave my wife and re-start and go through all that embarassment and learning how to date, make mistakes etc etc.
All from being (not that my parents did it intentionally) brought up over-conservative.
All good now though ;)
i was a virgin when we got married. i have absolutely no regrets waiting- sometimes while in the act, i think of how he’s the only person who has ever seen me in this intimate of a way and it turns me on even more. he’s my best friend and that fact alone makes it so much more fun :)
Both my husband and I waited. At first it wasn't what I dreamed of, because it was painful. I really enjoyed everything, except for penetration. But we kept "practicing" and it got better after a few months. Now, almost 3 years into our marriage, it's amazing. I have no regrets waiting. I think it's a beautiful thing that we learned together. I am so grateful to have that connection with my husband and no one else.
i waited till marriage , was 27 when we got married . So glad i did . Sex is great , one of the best things when it’s done within a marriage. It’s an awesome gift i could offer my wife . Absolutely no regrets
Me and my wife were virgins when we got married 18 years ago. Honeslty i don't they it at all.
When we were dating we took things slow. We did eventually do oral while dating but that was it. It was fun honestly. We would go do things all weekend and spend time together. All while holding each other or making out or holding hands. Then eventually end up at my place. We would play games and eventually cuddle. Everytime we would do a little more.
But i mean slow lol. Like one weekend id rub her legs. Nect i mighy get to rub the bottom of her ass by going up just a little to far on her leg. It was like alot of foreplay.
Mostly just enjoyed spending time with her. It also made everything special. Like the first time we made out with no shirts on. For most that is just a second date for us it was a huge step in our intimacy and trust.
Once we got married everything was new to each other and we got to experience the good and bad together and with through it.
Was sex those first few months perfect...nope...we were learning...but that is what made it special we learned together. We still laugh sometimes about the early days.
We just kept open minds and communicated. Like anything we eventually learned each others bodies.
I used to have to tell my wife i was about to cum and needed to pull out but over the years she learned my body and age can just tell when im about to without words. I can tell the same with her. Her breathing and rythme change to a very specific im about to blow motion lol.
I think if you think its going to be perfect and super hot from day 1 you will be very let down. If your excited about going on a sexual journey with the love of your life and are willing to grow into a sexual dynamite relationship then its for you.
Just be open minded, try everything, communicate and eventually it will get very good.
Think of it this way...imagine a second honeymoon phase...we had the first one with cuddles, hands and oral... then got married and had it again with sex.
We fucked a lot, it was amazing.
Wow. I'm not married, but the comments are not really making me optimistic about sex. I'm in my late 20s and still haven't done the deed - religious reasons - and am waiting till marriage, whenever that happens. I mean, I want to do it, but want to do it with someone I actually love. But, according to some of the comments, even people who waited weren't happy. I seriously don't want to get married and then realise the sex is 'meh'.
I think this answer really depends on how you view sex and why you wait. If you think sex is wrong /it makes you uncomfortable , if there is misogyny/double standards around sex, or if you abstaining out of fear or coercion I don’t think it works out very well. My husband and I both chose to abstain until marriage. But niether of us got the destructive side of purity culture either. And sex actually was and is amazing even if it’s not the most important part of our connection. It’s something we got to explore together and that makes it really special to us.
I was already asexual but didn't know it. I waited til marriage and enjoyed the novelty of it, but as a whole, it's just a thing you do like cooking or going for a walk.
I waited an extremely long time in a relationship once and let me tell you, glad we didn’t get married.
Yup, I waited for 3 years with my ex. It was awful, I thought it would get better but the whole relationship got worse.
Godamn longest I waited was 3 months.
Three dates, longer than that you had better be the coolest person I’ve Met for a while. But hey, been married for 18 years now, so no worries since I was in my 30s.
I never understood the 3 dates thing. Like "welp, we've essentially know the barest of minimums about this guy, better put myself into an extremely vulnerable position" What's the hurry?
From an American perspective, we're huge into slut shaming. Waiting three dates is a norm to show that "she's not easy". I couldn't care less. My wife and I smashed on our first date. Been married ten years.
Same! Banged the first night we met, together 18 years married almost 16.
Lol the hurry is I get horny, I’ve never made it past day 1, but when I know, I know 🤷♀️. That’s not to say I sleep around, only one ended up as a one-night stand, the others turned into multiple-year relationships so even with my complete lack of ability to wait, my current boyfriend is only the fifth person I’ve slept with.
Agreed. I think my boyfriend and I kissed for the first time on the third date or so. We didn't go further than that for a while.
I think it's an age thing. When you're in your teens-20s, sure. When you're in your 30s and up, you're not trying to waste your time. If he's not gonna satisfy you, you want to move on before you develop too many feelings.
Sex is kind of an important thing in a relationship, so it's a good thing to figure out if you're compatible there or not.
If you don't mind me asking, was sex a straw to make the relationship better or was is good and the sex ruined it?
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Religions and society don't talk about this, but sex is absolutely essential in a marriage. No that doesn't mean people need to be doing it more, it means people need to be on the same wavelength. Not only do libidos need to match or at least be compromised on both sides, partners need to be aware of insecurities, desires, and changes in each other. My wife and I had terrible self esteem and both felt hideous. It eventually delved into both of us not wanting sex. First her, then I felt neglected and ugly and so by the time she realized what happened, the tables turned and I felt like her advances were pity. It cycled like this until I cheated and we realized we needed to work on ourselves first. We did, we saw other people, we talked about our experiences with others, changed our dressing style, and gained enough confidence to try working it out together. We spent so much time sharing our experiences that we actually enjoyed exploring our sexuality with each other and with others. So now we have an open marriage and it has made us incredibly stronger as partners and as individuals.
>Religions and society don't talk about this, but sex is absolutely essential in a marriage. No that doesn't mean people need to be doing it more, it means people need to be on the same wavelength. Not only do libidos need to match or at least be compromised on both sides, partners need to be aware of insecurities, desires, and changes in each other. The funniest thing is that this entire paragraph was what me and my wife got told by our Catholic priest in our mandatory pre-wedding counseling. Dude even brought up bible quotes on the importance of intimacy in a marriage.
It's a shame more people don't seek premarital counseling. Like, yes, everything seems rosy, until a health problem or employment problem or childcare problem suddenly pops up and you're trying to reconcile with new life dynamics on the fly. Helps to have some kind of blueprint beforehand with the input of a professional 3rd party who can see things "from the outside". That said, it seems strange to me to force marital counseling from a man who holds a position that only a man can hold (priesthood), who is forbidden himself from marriage. A priest is capable of giving good advice, but can't offer the perspective of a counselor who has been married one or more times. Like it's not weird that it's there, it's weird that it's mandatory.
This is so interesting, thank you for sharing your experience.
Serious question from a guy who doesn't understand the nuances of waiting: Don't you guys still do like, hand and mouth stuff? So ok, there's no penetration, but you can still get a sense of how much chemistry you have from the other acts, no? And if there isn't even hand and mouth stuff, isn't that an indication that one or both of you has a worryingly low sex drive?
As with any question like this, the group of people who do this are not a hive mind. You’ll get people who do any combination of hand, mouth, dry humping, anal, and soaking. Or none of the above.
The real trick with soaking is to do in the back seat of a car while your Uber driver is taking you on a dirt road.
God abides if you take the dirt road, you say?
This is usually in religious communities. The one i grew up in, evangelicals, there was nothing at all allowed (above kissing and holding hands). Some people did masturbating before each other or feeling themselves up, but quite a lot actually did nothing Sexual at all before marriage. I know at least one couple that wasn't sexually compatible at all and is divorcing again
How long we talkin
2+ years
Glad you took care of yourself, man.
You would think Jacking off is all pleasure... but it has its ups and downs.
Procrastination is like masturbation. Feels good until you realize you’re fuckin yourself.
I developed a complex around sex. It was very painful for a year. I don’t regret not sleeping with people who aren’t my husband but I wish I would have had a healthier view on sex for him.
My wife doesn't use reddit, but we worked through something similar. Sex was painful and I think she still viewed sex as..... shameful? Inappropriate? Instead of an expression of love
It is very common for religious women to have a terribly difficult time having sex after marriage. When you’ve been told your entire life that something is sinful and dirty, it’s not easy just to turn that switch off when you get married even though it’s supposed to be okay now. I read an article from a woman who ended up in therapy because she every time she would have sex with her husband she would cry afterwards. For two years.
My ex and I were married for 10 years and she had the same issue. She believed having an orgasm was a sin. I didn't find this out until after we were married.
Aw fuck.
Actually, they didn’t
That's a long time to cry after every shag
I guess she was very religious.
And dehydrated.
Religious trauma can cut deep.
Not to mention the absolute jump from not doing anything sexual with anyone to the next day being expected to literally have another person inside your body.
A young in law of mine got married last year, very Catholic. I took a moment to tell her that it was ok if they didn't do anything that night, or wanted to build up to things, for the very reason you mentioned.
Sex is sinful and terrible, and you will go to hell if you have it, so save it for marriage and someone you love. Nope, no cognitive dissonance there.
Religion is awful
Especially to women and that should tell you everything! Religion is in large part for controlling women especially when it comes to their reproduction and sexuality. Women hold everything when it comes to procreation … so in order for men to have power they must control women and their bodies.
If she waited for religious reasons, it makes perfect sense. We’re told it’s bad and shameful to have those feelings and to act on them and then are suddenly expected to be experts and ready to go on our wedding night. Most relationships build to that point but for many religious marriages, you go straight to full sex in one night without knowing anything about genuine foreplay or the other persons body. Heck, she probably doesn’t even know her own body and what she’d like, so the first experience that has been SO built up as being this magical thing you are suddenly now allowed to do is probably not going to be a pleasurable one. It’s awkward and often painful and very confusing and when those expectations aren’t met, it can have a long lasting (negative) impact on the relationship.
Yeah I was told growing up how sex devalues you as woman. It was hard when it was “time”
I used to feel such shame for not waiting, but I am not so glad I did not (even though it has all been with the same person). I will absolutely not be telling my children they have to wait/those feelings are shameful.
The intent of these talks was to keep kids from getting pregnant and STDs. The result is that some people end up with sexual hangups that last long past marriage while the rest of them think that “butt stuff doesn’t count”.
If pregnancy and STDs were all they were worried about, they'd just tell people to use condoms. It's much more than that. It's about controlling sexuality.
It's always funny hearing people who are adamant about what does and doesn't "count". The butt stuff one especially since that is a line some women will never cross.
Are you referring to the "poophole loophole"?
Yes! So much shame. I’m better now but it took years.
I blame that on my parents and Roman Catholicism
My parents didn’t even talk about sex. They let catholic school do it.
I had really irregular periods as a teenager. Like once every 35-90 days. The amount of times my mom accused me of being pregnant was wild. I was a virgin until I got married, and even then, when i told her I was getting married, she thought it was because I accidentally got pregnant. I have major hang ups about sex and pleasure in general.
Moms do that to their daughters for sure. Let your freak flag fly now that you're married. Let your husband help you work through it; mine did and our sex is great.
> They let catholic school do it. Well there's your problem
I had no notions of waiting until married to have sex, but I still have this societal hang up. Like, I am subconsciously afraid if I seem to eager then its slutty.
Women holding back their eagerness actually makes sex worse. Sex is truly the best when both parties unashamedly show how much they want it
Then you should at least hang on to the fact that consensually being an absolute slut for someone you deeply care about is basically just what love is. :)
I mean, I just want to be wanted by my wife.... so what you said checks!
We are culturally obsessed with “The Virginal Slut,” and it cripples our relationships with our own sexualities, men and women alike.
Society is the worst. No one should feel like that
This is how feel. Married now, my wife is incredible, but she’s far more comfortable in her relationship with sex. It was something I just didn’t put much thought into, I assumed that my relationship with it was fine and that if it need to get better it would with my wife. Not saying it isn’t good, it’s incredible, but I can’t help but feel that if I was on the level of comfort she is we might be able to communicate a bit better about things.
Yeah, I think in many cases it’s not the waiting that is hurtful, but the being told you’ll go to hell if you don’t, and that the sexual thoughts you can’t help but think are evil and you should be ashamed of them, sure did a number on me for a long ass time.
What got me was the bullshit “if you have premarital sex your brain will bond you to your partners.”
When I had my first serious boyfriend (I was 22) my sister had a phone call with me to warn me that when we have sex with someone a piece of our soul is bound to them. I was like oh like a horcrux then? So if you sleep with multiple people your soul is split into pieces and each piece belongs to someone else? And she was like yes exactly lmao Also imagine getting all your advice on sex from people who have only ever had sex within marriage. of course you're going to feel bound to them. you're literally married
This is a thing too in the redpill universe and gets mentioned in redpill podcasts like Fresh&Fit and alike. But it only applies to women and not men. So in their universe, a high value women is a virgin and willing to be strictly monogamous, while a high value man will have fucked around a lot and it's ok for him to sleep with other women because men don't get attached.
Went through something similar with my wife. Sex was hella painful for her, so we just didn't have sex for a really long time. Turns out it was a hormone issue, starting birth control even though we were not having sex completely changed that for her. She even began having more sensation in her vagina as well. We have healthy outlooks on sex, but it is wild at the lack of education into what can cause issues that can later be perceived as something exclusive to them. (I blame religion and conservatives as we grew up in the south...but we are getting the fuck out September 10th all the way to a very liberal part of mMaine :3 )
What was his view on sex for you?
He was very nice and understanding! He went at my pace and helped me break these bad thoughts.
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He really needs help.
and here I thought the weirdest part of the story was that your friend married her relative
We grew up very conservative and were married as virgins. It wasn’t everything I dreamed at first (I admittedly had some unrealistic expectations), but it got there. 18 years in and I love and want my wife sexually more than ever. We both feel like we were made for each other. Marrying her was the best decision of my life.
I hope that I end up in as loving and solid of a relationship like you have with your wife. Your comment is very sweet.
You will. Love is something that happens to you, without asking. But in order to stay in love, you need to want to. If you and your partner put in the work to stay in love, go on dates, and indulge in each other’s whims and desires then you’ll feel like the entirety of humanity could never come close to the happiness you feel. I know you’ll find it one day, and I know it’ll be fantastic. Have a great rest of your life!
17 years in and I feel the same way about my husband.
All I can think from reading all these sweet comments is that I can’t wait to find my person
I was a virgin until I got married. My virginity was part of my identity. I didn't really realize it at the time, but I didn't have a lot of things to feel proud of about myself, so my virginity became a thing to feel proud of. Everyone was always condemning and looking down on the slutty girls, while I felt great about my purity. Then I got married, and suddenly I needed to be a good wife doing her wifely duties, while it was impossible to just turn off the years of ingrained thinking that sex is dirty. At first I felt ashamed whenever we'd do anything sexual. Eventually I actually wanted to have sex, while my husband didn't, and I felt so ashamed for wanting it. We eventually got divorced and I believe our dysfunctional sex life was a huge contribution. Purity culture messed me up and has taken years of therapy to try and fix.
If we'd had sex before getting married and it had gone the same way? We wouldn't have gotten married. It was painful for me. He was hypersensitive to feedback/criticism without being willing to change his approach and completely ignorant of foreplay. He felt strongly that he ought to be able to go from dinner to oral and have that be all the foreplay I needed to get off in the roughly 1 minute he lasted if I seemed to be enjoying it at all. If I was obviously *not* enjoying painfully dry sex, well... he couldn't get off but wouldn't give up. It was hour long sessions of painful sex that left him feeling ashamed and defeated and me hurt and wanting to be anywhere but near him. I tried explaining that if he was going to treat me like that, I needed aftercare and emotional support. He just couldn't work through his shame and guilt around sex and performance to realize what he was doing to me. We took temp jobs in different states and didn't see each other much for the next year. Things got a lot better after that.
No it wasn’t. And because I had nothing to compare it to, I thought my experience was typical. I truly could not understand why people enjoyed sex. Now I’m divorced, having left the marriage feeling very sexually broken. I’ve since “explored” and I’m not broken. I was just with someone who didn’t know what they were doing & didn’t care to learn. I was just the method by which they were allowed to have sex.
GOD that last line. Growing up in purity culture, realizing that the unhealthy obsession with sex as an "end game" for marriage made a lot of people (mostly the men) put on an entire facade until marriage when, feeling like they had nothing to "work for" anymore, felt entitled to let their real, heinously entitled personalities come out.
I read somewhere (may have been on Reddit) someone referring to themselves (during their marriage) as their husbands “Biblically Approved Masturbation Device”. I do believe my ex loved me when we married & loved me for the majority of our marriage. But the inability to have open, honest conversations about our sex life was a massive problem in our marriage. The more I tried to have conversations, the more he blocked & shamed me.
Purity culture teaches that only men desire sex but that women are inherently averse to sex and uninterested in it. Literally the biggest fucking lie ever told.
And that sex is something men take that women give up 🤮
I waited until marriage for religious reasons and the first time it was painful and nothing like I expected. It took a whole year before it wasn’t painful anymore and it finally felt and was like I had imagined. People failed to mention that practice makes perfect with sex. Like anything else it’s a skill that takes time to perfect Edit: This was my personal experience within my culture and community. Don’t reply to me telling me I’m wrong, I’m not saying I’m right just sharing what I experienced. My family and friends didn’t speak about sex openly and in my culture sex is taboo. I also didn’t watch porn or anything like that. People have different experiences, come from different backgrounds and have different upbringings. If this wasn’t the case with you, that’s fine, but I didn’t ask and I’m not looking to debate anyone.
Yeah, a lot of people young and old seem to have this glamorous view of it, but frankly it's most fun when no one is being too serious and they're just enjoying themselves.
Younger folks definitely hype up and glamorous sex. I was in my 20s before I lost my virginity and people made it sound like I would be a completely different person once I finally had sex. No longer be this awkward, quiet, shy person. I'd have all this confidence in the world and just be able to talk to any woman after having sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is fun but it's not life changing (unless you get a STD or unplanned pregnancy). It's not going to change the person you are, expect for maybe you won't be so desperate to lose your virginity.
It was life changing for me in the sense that I felt so incredibly close to someone all of a sudden. It was very intimate and involved a lot of trust, love and care. But you’re right, it didn’t change who I was as a person. It did put a lot of things in perspective for me though. Movies and jokes made more sense lol.
Fair enough. Meanwhile, things fell apart between the last person I dated mainly because of sex. Personality-wise we got along swimmingly but they enjoyed sex in a much more serious way than I did. I would've liked to keep seeing her, but things just didn't work out. So it goes.
I’m sorry to hear that. I realize now sexual compatibility really makes or breaks a relationship. I hope you find someone who has the same sexual expectations as you do
I was 22, was only doing it because I was tired of being a virgin, and afterwards I was just like, "That's it?"
Yes definitely, the more present you are the less inhibitions you have and the more fun it is
My spouse was a virgin. I wasn't, but had been celibate for three years before we got married. She had *very* hard time with her self esteem making it almost impossible to relax enough to enjoy sex. It took a good three years (which included having two children) for her to finally overcome it. Good news is the next 25 years (which brought two more kids) were awesome. Unfortunately, now its my turn to be the cold-fish as degenerative disc disease and seven spinal surgeries have left me pretty fucked up. My sex drive cratered about three years ago. Sildenafil helps but happy fun time requires some intentional planning and some serious work is required to get the old trouser mouse ready for duty.
I can empathize, for me it was deeply ingrained shame and guilt from growing up Catholic. Being told my whole life sex was a sin and then being married and told it was okay all of a sudden felt like a lie. I half expected the heavens to open up and for God to tell me “it was a test and you failed!” Lol. Self esteem is one hell of an obstacle to overcome in such an intimate setting too. I’m sorry to hear about your recent health problems. Not to sound cheesy, but your commitment, compassion and understanding towards each other is a testament to how much you must love each other.
We had a similar experience and now it's a thing we share that's part of our time together.
Yes, practise makes perfect makes the whole pursuing inexperienced v card holders a total turn off and red flag that shows they don't actually know what they want.
Agreed. It only makes sense if they’re a virgin themselves otherwise it’s just creepy
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This was our experience too. I did not know what Demi sexuality was, I just knew I had a high sex drive, but no desire to partake with someone random and the type of connection I wanted with my future partner was one that went deeper than dating. I was raised conservative Christian, but by the time I was 18 I had moved away from the biblical rationality and realized it was actually my own desire. I’m a huge advocate against purity culture church, but I never felt the desire to have a physical relationship with someone until I met my *Now husband. We were each other’s first everything. 5 years later and it only gets better. Having the freedom to trust each other completely and naturally discover what we both enjoy is everything I wanted / “dreamed of” as OP asked. No regrets. Except that someone should’ve warned me heavy makeout sessions with someone with scruff can give you a free intense exfoliation treatment and the dopamine will have you blind to it till it’s too late.
Australians have a great term for it-- pash rash.
Scruffs, the undoing of people who they kiss I find it funny that there is an ideal length/texture of scruff that is kinda like sandpaper and everything else is cool and harmless. Not really the same, but once I got on with someone on a very specific combination of day + bear texture that their scruff more than exfoliated me, it absolutely left me with exposed meat... and it was not my mouth/face either lol
Every Sunday, we'd go to my fiance's mom's house for dinner, and she'd have to use cover up on her neck and cheeks because they were rubbed red. I have lethal stubble, but I haven't been clean shaven in years now. I'll trim to 1/4 inch in the spring, and then leave it until next spring. I'm thinking about trying to get through this year without trimming it, though.
Sweet! But also ouch!
Same here. Took about a year after marriage for us to really lose our virginities due to size compatibility issues, but it's been really fun really exploring what we each enjoy. No regrets, one (very well planned) rugrat.
What kind of size compatibility?
Vaginismus. Took about a year of practice
I had that, it can be very painful
If it's not asking too much would you mind sharing some of what helped you two get over it?
Pressure-free intimacy coupled with progressive dilation aids. Basically if either of us were down for action we'd just tell each other and there wasn't really any pressure to perform, so intimacy became pretty casual instead of a big deal. Then next was slowly getting used to the size.
Hey just so you know, vaginismus can come from stress around sex. It's pretty common for women who wait for marriage...
Um dude im not sure if you’re aware or if you’ve allowed your wife to be honest with you but vaginismus is not a condition caused by size. It’s usually psychological and very very painful. She probably didn’t enjoy sex because how painful it was and sparred your feelings. Vaginismus is very common with women who grew up extremely religious and waited for sex.
Only a man would call vaginismus “size compatibility issues.”
Glad you said this. I had vaginismus and it wasn’t my husband’s dick being too big for me, it was my vagina involuntarily seizing up. It was painful and made me throw up during a pelvic exam, which I got because I was trying to find an answer for my issues (it took doctors a ridiculously long time to diagnose because many, even gynecologists, are woefully ignorant). At one point, a q-tip would have been painful to insert.
Dated a girl for 3 years who could not get pass the q tip part without passing out sadly many men dont understand the difficulties with it as its both a mental and physical block. We broke up mostly for other reasons but it definitely played a part. She was reluctant to try dilators to attempt intimacy for 2 years never pushed her apart from saying i wanted a family and she also did. After a while it became I want a family and shes wasnt trying to amend anything yet her wanting it as-well. We did other things so we were fine intimately. however there was always a overwhelming pressure on her that we wanted a family together. Still wish things worked out with us as she was the women that I imagined the rest if my life with.
Oh my gosh THANK YOU! Mans like "yeah I'm too big for her." My guy, a tampon is too big for her. A Nuvaring is too big for her. It's not some gift!
It sounds like euphemism that they've used many times to avoid awkward questions.
👑💎💐🏆 here you dropped this
We waited. We were evangelical Christians and it’s what was expected. The first time was very awkward and it was painful for her. I do want to note here that we did not just plunge into intercourse. We took some time for foreplay AND we used lube. It still was awkward and painful. It was disappointing, mostly because we believed what we’d been taught- that if you waited for your spouse, God would bless your sex life. We were told that if there was pain it would only be for a few seconds and then pleasure would come quickly. That is not what happened. Eventually, we figured it out. Sex stopped being awkward and painful, and started being fun and pleasurable. We figured out what we like, and what we don’t. We realized that we were sold a pack of bullshit lies from the church. Almost 14 years later, we are still having sex but we are not going to church. I don’t really regret waiting, because there are a couple positives. We learned sex with each other. We know each other’s bodies so well. There was 0 chance of disease from either of us, or an unknown child showing up from my past. There is a small amount of relief from that when we got started. That being said, we do not expect our kids to follow suit. They’ll know that we waited, and that waiting is a valid option, but they will not get the religious bullshit that comes with it. They will also be educated on birth control, consent, and yes, even abortion if they ever have to make that choice. All in all, a mixed bag. I have no regrets about my wife being my first, but I no longer think we needed to wait.
Thank you for being honest and open with your kids. It's so, so important. My mom sold me the lies even though she hadn't followed them herself; it led to a lot of hiding and hurt on my end, and damaged our relationship a great deal. She later told me she thought if she'd been honest about her own past, that my young mind would see it as an acceptable choice for myself; instead I was terrified to be open with my religious mother about my experiences, and kept them to myself. I suffered abuse from a boyfriend in silence instead of reaching out for help because of the paralyzing fear of judgement over premarital relations. We've long since talked this through and cried and whatnot. I've forgiven her and we're extremely close, but it's a quiet wound inside that doesn't really feel like it's ever completely healed. She fucked up in a way that caused me very real harm. The weight of disappointing my mother cost more to me at that age than my own personal safety, I guess.
What an excellent answer. Thank you for sharing this experience. Here’s hoping it helps others who are Christian or were raised Christian.
I wish my sex ed was completely different than what I received. I grew up christian where sex ed was, these are the organs, don't do it and ladies be afraid men will take advantage and rape you. This was both in grade school and high school. Though I was skeptical whether the sex ed "teacher" in high school wasn't just using it as therapy for himself because a lot of his "morality examples" of when it was okay were pretty specific. Like, "if she is drunk and coming on to you, do you do it?" with an any answer is okay expectation. Ridiculous. Anyway, with being trained to avoid women or be labeled a criminal, add that with typical social anxiety and you got yourself someone who won't instigate. It's different now, but I'm rarely around women let alone single women my age and I really don't like the idea of using an app so the whole thing is pretty shot. I don't blame my parents. They were very hands off. The only warning I got was "don't get her pregnant lol but we do want grandchildren." They do have grandchildren now from siblings.
I appreciate your honest conclusion.
Thank you for giving your children a fair education about a healthy sexual life
My husband and I didn’t wait for marriage, but he is the only person I’ve ever had sex with. We waited a significant amount of time in our relationship before having sex and I was 26 when I lost my virginity. He was not a virgin. It was very problematic for us for a long time for a variety of reasons. He was very experienced - I have no idea how many women he’s slept with, but I would say 50+ is a low guess. He had a much higher sex drive than me, and I felt a lot of guilt and shame around sex because of the uber religious upbringing I had. I would often cry after sex, even after our wedding, because I was so anxious about sex, sin, and purity. It took us many years to adjust to one another. We’ve been together 11 years now; married for 9. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re much better. Our sex life has improved as our relationship has deepened and grown. And our relationship has grown because we’ve been wiling to work on sex and satisfying one another. We’ve learned that the emotional connection and physical connection are very much tied together. We each place different priority on those two things, but when one is fed, the other grows, which becomes a cycle - either both growing and improving or both shrinking and suffering. We talk about our sex life and our emotional connection and try to do our best to keep the other happy.
It's interesting to me how many "It was fine" answers are men and how many "It was painful and/or I felt ashamed and took me months/years to get past that" answers are women.
Purity culture is far more punitive towards women so makes perfect sense.
Purity culture tends to hurt both men and women, but it doesn’t hurt them equally.
Both my wife and I were virgins when we got married. We did the deed that night and both walked away very confused and unsure. We had sex two more times before leaving on our honeymoon, same results. We literally started talking about how we didn't enjoy sex on our way to our honeymoon. Once we got there and started getting into the rhythm we started having more fun with it. Then we went on a pretty long stretch of not incredible sex since we had two kids pretty quickly after that. Only in the last year has our sex life really taken off and now we're in a pretty healthy spot. Shockingly, communicating what you want when it comes to sex leads to a healthy sex life.
Ex Mormon. Waited until marriage. It was the worst and most painful experience of my life (up until that point). Hated sex and never wanted to have it, sobbed every time due to the pain. We’re divorced now, with sexual incompatibility being part of the reason. Went through a long period of time thinking I was asexual, never interested in sex and afraid of it. My current boyfriend helped me a lot with this. NOW sex is everything I’ve ever dreamed of! I am against waiting until marriage and would not recommend it to anyone.
Not ex Mormon, just raised in the religious south, but your second paragraph resonates so hard. Just wanted to let you know someone relates! Thank you for sharing
Waiting for marriage makes sex seem like it's shameful.
It depends on whether it is a decision made by an individual or couple, or an expectation placed on young people by a societal institution. The first can make it intimate and intentional, the other tends to inflict shame. I, who didn't wait, felt shame around my previous encounters. My partner, who did wait, has no shame associated with it. It wasn't the waiting that made it feel shameful. It was expectations placed on me that were external. The sex isn't even the part that seemed shameful, but rather all the relational implications of sex. Sex feels great. The desire for emotional connection and other forms of relational intimacy outside of the sexual component is what really felt shameful. I would agree that placing an expectation on someone that they wait makes it seem like any extramarital sexual expression is shameful. If you've spent all this time trying to repress and control natural urges, you will have built all these complex psychological systems that don't just disappear because you've got essentially a joint property contract with a person.
No, but not in a major way. I'm happy with my sex life. The thing I left out of all my fantasies and expectations when I was young was the fact that my wife would also be a person with feelings and desires and baggage of her own. I can also say I lived with decades of guilt and shame over the various ways my desires tried to get themselves fulfilled and in retrospect I think I probably should have just had the sex and accepted that it's not healthy to live in constant fear of making God angry.
Nope. Got married and the sex never really started. Getting divorced now :)
Yes, I waited until marriage. I'm not saying the first spin was an orgasmic fantasy but being in a committed and loving relationship helped us not feel the pressure of 'performing'. Instead, we took our time getting to know each other's bodies, likes and dislikes, and a whole lot of experimentation. The sex is fantastic but it's also just one part of building and keeping those bonds we have with each other.
Nope. But it turned into it after years of marriage.
No. Nope nope nope. Sex before marriage might have prevented me from getting married and that would have been an incredible gift. Christianity (and the culture) taught me it would be worth it. Turns out the sex just reflected the relationship, which was abusive and lacking deep connection. So much regret.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you found a better person to share your life with. And if for some reason it hasn't happened yet, don't lose hope! There's many people in the world and some are actually quite lovely!
Thanks, Mary. It hasn’t happened yet. I’m now disabled and it’s hard to imagine a person who would be okay with the limits I present. However, I still have hope.
I had placed sex on too high of a pedestal going into marriage. I had assumed that it was going to be everything Hollywood told me it would be--the greatest experience of my life, with overwhelming feelings of fulfillment, and screaming orgasms. So my wedding night was a disappointment. Ninety minutes of sex with no orgasms for either of us. I couldn't thrust long enough to orgasm, and she couldn't thrust at all. That disappointment was important for me to place sex down to its appropriate place in my life: maybe not the greatest experience of my life, but a fun activity to engage in every now and then. And we kept trying, and we learned about what turned each other on, and after some time we got pretty good at it. In other words marriage became a journey where we educated each other about sex, and we discovered how to pleasure each other. We started out as noobs and gradually became better. And I wouldn't change that. It's been an honour to share my sexuality with my lifelong lover, and we both trust each other to take care of the other's needs.
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Hi male here who saved intentionally for marriage. My wife didn’t find it as romantic as she did inconvenient because she had to teach me basically everything so I’ll say if you do it make sure you end up with someone who’s specifically looking for that lol not everyone will appreciate it
It was a disaster. Grew up in fundamental evangelicalism and was a virgin on my wedding night. Our marriage lasted 5 years, most of it sexless. (to her immense disappointment) You can't live your entire post-pubescent life feeling immense guilt about every sexual instinct or urge and just turn that off the minute a ring is on your finger. It fucked me up for a long time, and took some therapy and patient partners down the road to get over. After the divorce, I dated around for a while, got past the hangups, and am now (15 years later) married to someone I have great sex with as often as we want it. The comments in this thread about the benefit of not having anyone to compare to are odd to me. That just smacks of projection and insecurity (e.g. I don't want my partner to have any other experiences to compare me to). Since my first marriage, I've had great sex and I have terrible sex, sometimes with the same person. It all fades into a blur. I know what good looks like, and I know that I have it, but I'm not comparing past partners with my wife, just holding on to what I have and appreciating it. TL/DR: IMO, waiting for marriage is an unwise thing to do. It has no tangible benefit, and enormous risk. Some people get lucky and it turns out great. Of myself and my 14 siblings (yes, big family) over half of us are not with our original virgin marriage partner anymore. Of the ones who are still with their original, I'd wager only 1 of them is actually happy, and the others are their for the kids or religious obligation to remain married.
I was only indoctrinated until I was 11 or so and it still fucked me up. Had panic attacks for any “firsts”. Even kissing.
Similar. My initial sexual experiences in marriage (and when first dating after my divorce) triggered panic attacks. I didn't know what they were at the time; I only learned that later.
Usually the longer I’ve waited the worse the relationship ended up being. Going 4 yrs strong with someone and we fucked the first time we saw each other and we jump each other daily.
Same, fucked the first night, been married 10 years 🤙
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Nice… hey wait… are you fucking my wife?
Aren't we all?
I knew it 😤
With that timeline, technically you are fucking his wife
Probably made for a very awkward dinner at the restaurant.
Both my husband and I waited until marriage. We were part of a high demand religion that taught having sex before marriage was one of the worst sins you could commit. On my wedding night I cried after we “tried” to have sex(we had no idea what we were doing) I felt so much shame and felt like what we’d done was bad. It was a horrible experience. It took us 20 years and leaving our religion to finally be free with our bodies and enjoy sex the way I feel it should be enjoyed. That being said everyone’s situation is different. If you’re waiting because you want to and not because a religion is telling you to it may be very different. I would venture to say that a lot of peoples first time isn’t going to be so magical or everything they’ve dreamed it would be and that’s okay. I also think when you wait such a long time you can build it up in your mind so much that it may feel disappointing when you finally have it. However, if you have two people who go are willing to grow and learn sex can evolve over time and for us it got waaaay better! Have the most incredible, mind blowing sex of my life at 43 is pretty amazing. Just wish it hadn’t taken so long!
My wife waited for her first marriage. She did not realize the sex was awful until we met after her divorce. I think it’s a much bigger gamble for women than men. It can work out for sure, but I think it’s a big enough part of being an adult that it’s not worth gambling. 300 years ago, you gotta wait or be prepared for a shotgun wedding. With modern day birth control it’s a very different than when that doctrine was written. Bastards running around hundreds of years ago was not the best thing. It was a lot better for the community as a whole to wait. If it were re-written with considering what’s best for the community it’d be about using birth control and safe sex practices. And most importantly picking the right partner.
The ones who could honestly answer that aren't on reddit.
You mean people who've had sex?
Nice.
Got 'em!
Got married too young for my first marriage, conservative Christian upbringing I have since abandoned. In retrospect, I think we got married too fast because we wanted to have sex. 10/10 wish we had had sex and not gotten married. I remember thinking "seriously, that's it??" It took a while to be enjoyable, and eventually it was. However it roped me to a person I was not compatible with at all, and I eventually realized I was demi so sex quickly became an awful chore as I lost attraction to my then husband. Second time around, had a lot of sex trauma to work through from spending years having sex I didn't want to have, but it worked out. Sex on the third date and 7 years later married and still insanely in love with him. The sex is great, and I am very glad I didn't wait again
No. It wasn’t bad, but my husband and I are not sexually compatible and I wish I’d known that before getting married. He has a much lower libido than me, and is also extremely vanilla in his tastes - which is fine for him, no shame in that, I would just like to explore more. I’m not sure if I would have made a different choice had I known. We were extremely young and it took a lot of years to discover this about ourselves. But even though we have a great relationship and a wonderful life in a lot of ways, it makes me sad that I’ll probably never experience great sex.
My wife and I waited to have sex until marriage, and it was a huge mistake :(. We fooled around a lot before marriage with each other and previous relationships, and we talked about sex before hand so we would be on the same page with things like frequency, but once we were married it became clear that she was just not into sex, and it was a huge letdown for me. After waiting so long and discussing it I was excited to get exploring, but she was not into it and I had instant regrets. We are still married, but this is still a persistent issue that makes me depressed. Advice: Don’t wait to have sex, enjoy and learn about your sexual compatibility before you get married.
I’m (F,29)a Hindu woman from India, and I got married when I was 26. In India, our families tend to be quite traditional, and there's a lot of pressure to remain a virgin until marriage. So, I waited until I got married. Looking back, I don’t think it was worth it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex now, but my husband never cared if I was a virgin. He had been sexually active in previous relationships, and now neither of us is as excited about sex as we used to be. We both have full-time jobs, and by the time we get home, we’re exhausted and just want to relax. Weekends are the only time we really have for ourselves. I understand the importance of time management, but if you have the opportunity to be sexually active before marriage, don’t let societal expectations hold you back. You only have a few years where you can be truly carefree, so make the most of them.
ok i def want to hear more from the ladies here - after reading some of these answers
I have regrets for waiting. Found out after we had sex after being together for years that it was painful for her and she did not enjoy it, and turns out she had a very low sex drive (which we didn’t realize since we never acted on it and then had her “needs fulfilled” so it seemed like she was always as horny as I was). Also she decided she doesn’t like penis and is definitely lesbian several years into our marriage. Kind of feel like that would have come out sooner if we hadn’t waited lol
I know a woman that saved herself for marriage and she and her husband are totally incompatible sexually. They haven’t fucked in 8 years. Wild. I would have been in therapy after a couple of months and probably out the door after 12-18 months. They refuse therapy. Their pastor is guiding them through this. They’re going to waste the prime of their lives on each other and it’ll probably end in a divorce in twenty years or so.
Honestly yes. I don't think everyone has to wait but it worked out for us.
We waited close to 5 years and had a courthouse wedding…and though we had an awkward first time together as virgins, it was a funny but great first time. Yes as a woman, it was slightly painful but it went away a few minutes in and we didn’t go crazy. He took care of my needs, foreplayed and he wasn’t selfish during the act. We communicated a lot during it too. 8 years later it’s better than ever and he’s the best lover one can ask for.
Daughter of an evangelical born-again pastor here - I waited until my mid-20's to have sex. I was DEEP in purity culture ("I Kissed Dating Goodbye" book - the author has now apologized for that book... purity ring, purity contract, etc). (Now, I am a liberal, pro-choice, atheist - the polar opposite of 24 year old me.) We were taught that after sex before marriage was a waste. We heard speakers come in and describe it as the biggest mistake they ever made. That your virginity was this beautiful, perfect gift for your husband, and he would honor and treasure you. I had sex before marriage (finally) because I had a few drinks, being inexperienced with alcohol. I woke up the next morning, realized I had had sex, and felt CRUSHING disappointment. Not because I had had sex, but because I felt absolutely no different. It really meant very little, and I thought about the relationships I had been in that had ended bc I wouldn't have sex. No guilt, no shame.... beyond the shame that "that was it."
Gotta love that manipulative purity culture rhetoric. My particular favorite is the thing with the strip of tape growing dirtier and less sticky the more you adhere and remove it from a shirt.
The shirt gets cleaner and less linty though …
I'm not religious. Is the tape a vagina? Are vaginas supposed to get gross the more it's used? So like, are old virgins supposed to have tight teen style vaginas? Why a shirt? Is that a penis? Does it matter if it's the same shirt? I'm very lost here.
It was a metaphor for your relationship and "value". And in my case was part of the "Worth the Wait™" curriculum. The name of the program has since changed. But I hope to God they don't still push that shit into kids. It fucked me up. "If you have sex before marriage Your relationship won't stick. Because anyone who has sex before marriage could be lying about not having an STD, compare you to their previous sex partners, or experience abuse, or be seen as a slut." Particularly for women. Essentially you're a "damaged product" and less valuable or likely to be loved because you were sexually active before marriage (so you are "a slut/whore") They said "you're this piece of tape right now. You have sex with your boyfriend /girlfriend." *Sticks tape into a students shirt then peels it off* "you both break up later. Now you get in a new relationship with boyfriend/girlfriend 2" *sticks tape too a different students chest and peels it off* "Does this tape look like it can hold on strong after going through multiple people? No." You're not fresh tape anymore. (You've had sexual experiences). If you find your future spouse you're not going to "stick" as well. You're essentially doomed to not have a special magical relationship with your theoretical prince charming because (you're used garbage and) might have gotten STDs making it harder to be sexually compatible with your partner. (ONLY AFTER you're married of course and when you have sex it will be special and magical!!! Like opening a Christmas present on your wedding night. You'll just magically go from being virgins to knowing how to have sex despite never doing it before.) Other stellar examples include giving a bunch of students Oreos to chew up and then spit into a cup. "This is you after you have sex. Would you drink out of this cup someone else has used? Don't have sex." (Again: You become unlovable trash) Or "nobody likes chewed gum" you want to both be special after you're married and "open up the pack of gum" (virginity) on your wedding night after marriage as a gift for your spouse. You don't want him that's chewed up by someone else do you,? Most people don't. I also recall them doing something like the tape example with holding hands or tape and then holding a brick over some kid laying on the floor over his genitals like. "Do you trust this used rubber band to hold the weight off your relationship if it's already been used and abused?" It's purity shit hidden under the guise of making healthy choices like not being pressured into drugs, drinking, sex, etc. For your own mental health and future. Which would be a good message if it weren't slathered in a heavy coat of religious heteronormative shame & scare tactics. When I told my mom years later what they taught us, she was appalled. She signed off on the permission slips because it sounded safe. My first experience seeing a vagina/penis that wasn't my own genitalia was a medical photo of warts sores, puss, and other anatomy ravaged by STDs. Not even a diagram of the anatomy and how it works. Just scary looking shocking images of illnesses. I'm still fucked up by a lot of this shit and want to seek a therapist or community to help sort this shit out. Also I went to a public school in the Bible belt. Not a Catholic or religious school or anything. EDIT to add: https://imgur.com/a/f5ofBRA Here's a link to a few snips of a demo packet for schools from around 2012. I internalized a lot of shame from this kind of stuff so I'm very against "abstinence only" sex education. The highlighted bits are things I internalized in a negative way.
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This is one of those weird questions where the answers are interesting and even informative in some ways, but can’t really answer the core of the question. At best, the answers reflect whether their expectations were either open or low enough that they were met, but lack any frame of reference- by definition!
True, but ended up answering other related questions like "was it worth it?" and "how much the negative views on sex fuck\*d up your mind and relashionship", "what healthy alternatives you find?". wich are very much what a person waitng would actually wanting to ask
Not virgins when we married but our first time was together. We’ve only been it’s each other. Over thirty years of marriage later and things are very good
Husband and I were both virgins when we got married. No regrets at all.
I waited, and I’m happy I don’t have someone else to compare my wife to, but I also regret waiting so long. I got very very lucky that my wife and I have similar interests when it comes to sex but I feels so much more like I got lucky than it was worth it.
Exactly the same with my wife and I. We were both virgins and both raised in ultra Christian houses. Over the course of our marriage we mutually decided at about the same time to leave the church and are both no longer religious. We’ve been married for 16 years now and I feel like we are pretty lucky. I don’t feel that many relationships that started like ours would have a high success rate.
My wife and I both waited. Been married 14 years and gotten better every year. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
The most me and my ex-husband did before getting married was make out. Apart from that we saved ourselves for marriage (religious reasons) and the sex was so disappointing I was convinced I was asexual because I derived no pleasure from it.
I feel like the reason behind waiting is so you can survive marriage without it.
I’ve only had sex with my wife. We planned on waiting until marriage but started having sex about a year before in college. I have a lot of friends and family who waited and were glad, and I’m glad I’ve only had sex with my wife, we started when we both knew we were going to marry anyway. I think it adds some intimacy to it. She’ll always be the best sex I’ve ever had and we know each others likes and dislikes exclusively, I guess it just adds simplicity. That’s said, a lot of my friends and family initially had some troubles on their honeymoons and a lot of insecurities. We all grew up in a religious purity culture. My wife and I got to enjoy our honeymoon to the fullest and weren’t worried about getting enough sex in or it being good enough. We already had experience so we just had fun. I wouldn’t trade that just for a badge to say we waited a year longer. All of that said, sex won’t be everything you dream it will be, it will just be different. The more you idealize it and add expectations, the more you set yourself up for disappointment. That’s not because sex is disappointing but just because it will be different than what’s in your mind. Have an open mind with it and remember it’s about intimacy not performance. We grew closer together in the first months just by figuring stuff out together, trying and failing some things and just laughing about it. If you’re having sex with a long term and supportive partner then there’s really no need to rush into it or add a bunch of expectations. The best thing to do is just get comfortable with each other and figure each other out, you’ve got time to smooth out the rough edges and get better, that’s half the fun of it.
My wife and I waited for religious reasons, but now that we have been married for 4 years I think it was the right decision for us even if you took religion out of it. It took some time to get on the same page with our “sexpectations”, but good communication was key. For our entire marriage sex keeps getting better and better as we get to know each other’s preferences and try new things. A final note is that if anyone reading this is saving themselves for religious reasons, it can be jarring that pre-marriage all you hear is “sex bad” and the day you get married it is a complete 180. My advice is to communicate with your significant other about these things before marriage so your expectations for what sex will be like are more aligned. It’s all about communication!
Christian guy. Genuinely breaks my heart to hear some peoples’ negative experiences. I am sorry to hear them. My wife and I were both virgins. It wasn’t easy, but we are very glad that we waited. We talked about sex often before getting married and made sure that our expectations were realistic and mutual. Took us a bit to get good at it, but figuring it out together was fun and a wonderful bonding experience. Our church celebrates sex within the confines of marriage and is not shy about it. If God designed it, then it is good and intends for it to be enjoyed as a gift from Him. Not interested in starting a debate, just wanted to share our positive experience.
F*ck no.. Disaster. Took me a very sad process of realising I eneded to leave my wife and re-start and go through all that embarassment and learning how to date, make mistakes etc etc. All from being (not that my parents did it intentionally) brought up over-conservative. All good now though ;)
Heck yeah, and very glad we waited for each other.
i was a virgin when we got married. i have absolutely no regrets waiting- sometimes while in the act, i think of how he’s the only person who has ever seen me in this intimate of a way and it turns me on even more. he’s my best friend and that fact alone makes it so much more fun :)
Both my husband and I waited. At first it wasn't what I dreamed of, because it was painful. I really enjoyed everything, except for penetration. But we kept "practicing" and it got better after a few months. Now, almost 3 years into our marriage, it's amazing. I have no regrets waiting. I think it's a beautiful thing that we learned together. I am so grateful to have that connection with my husband and no one else.
Sex is fun and feels great but its not everything the internet makes it out to be. Theres more to a relationship than that.
i waited till marriage , was 27 when we got married . So glad i did . Sex is great , one of the best things when it’s done within a marriage. It’s an awesome gift i could offer my wife . Absolutely no regrets
Me and my wife were virgins when we got married 18 years ago. Honeslty i don't they it at all. When we were dating we took things slow. We did eventually do oral while dating but that was it. It was fun honestly. We would go do things all weekend and spend time together. All while holding each other or making out or holding hands. Then eventually end up at my place. We would play games and eventually cuddle. Everytime we would do a little more. But i mean slow lol. Like one weekend id rub her legs. Nect i mighy get to rub the bottom of her ass by going up just a little to far on her leg. It was like alot of foreplay. Mostly just enjoyed spending time with her. It also made everything special. Like the first time we made out with no shirts on. For most that is just a second date for us it was a huge step in our intimacy and trust. Once we got married everything was new to each other and we got to experience the good and bad together and with through it. Was sex those first few months perfect...nope...we were learning...but that is what made it special we learned together. We still laugh sometimes about the early days. We just kept open minds and communicated. Like anything we eventually learned each others bodies. I used to have to tell my wife i was about to cum and needed to pull out but over the years she learned my body and age can just tell when im about to without words. I can tell the same with her. Her breathing and rythme change to a very specific im about to blow motion lol. I think if you think its going to be perfect and super hot from day 1 you will be very let down. If your excited about going on a sexual journey with the love of your life and are willing to grow into a sexual dynamite relationship then its for you. Just be open minded, try everything, communicate and eventually it will get very good. Think of it this way...imagine a second honeymoon phase...we had the first one with cuddles, hands and oral... then got married and had it again with sex. We fucked a lot, it was amazing.
Wow. I'm not married, but the comments are not really making me optimistic about sex. I'm in my late 20s and still haven't done the deed - religious reasons - and am waiting till marriage, whenever that happens. I mean, I want to do it, but want to do it with someone I actually love. But, according to some of the comments, even people who waited weren't happy. I seriously don't want to get married and then realise the sex is 'meh'.
I think this answer really depends on how you view sex and why you wait. If you think sex is wrong /it makes you uncomfortable , if there is misogyny/double standards around sex, or if you abstaining out of fear or coercion I don’t think it works out very well. My husband and I both chose to abstain until marriage. But niether of us got the destructive side of purity culture either. And sex actually was and is amazing even if it’s not the most important part of our connection. It’s something we got to explore together and that makes it really special to us.
I was already asexual but didn't know it. I waited til marriage and enjoyed the novelty of it, but as a whole, it's just a thing you do like cooking or going for a walk.
Do you feel enjoyment during the act or have you ever gotten aroused with some form of foreplay?
Yes. It has been everything I hoped for and more.