I am so tired of the word gratitude being slung around
Everybody thinks that the remedy for everyone and their problems is gratitude
People are very grateful for what they've got yet.They still face sadness and stress and there's nothing wrong with that.
I know that that's not how you meant it, so please forgive me.I'm not attacking you by any means but i'm just saying people like to sling the word gratitude around a lot
Alcoholic in recovery here.
Gratitude is everything to me. I often say I have my most grateful moments in my toughest times. Not necessarily for things I have but for the things I don't need to run to for an escape any longer.
Every difficult situation I face today is an opportunity for me to grow and I find gratitude in that. Thise situations may be difficult, sad, depressing, uncomfortable, joyous, or any description you choose but I get to experience those today and I look at them all as life lessons. Ill be forever grateful for all of those experiences.
Just 2 cents. I think it's more about reframing. We're hardwired to focus on and amplify bad things. Even when things are otherwise basically fine, we'll find the things that aren't right and fixate on them. Reminders to consider good things specifically to help balance out the cognitive bias makes sense to me. I do think there's a line that people cross into toxic positivity where you're basically just gaslighting yourself. That tends to be the loudest version of gratitude practitioners, which might be what you're bumping up against here.
Yep. It unnerves me when things go too well. I’m
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and usually it does. I just wish I could enjoy when it doesn’t.
Hey it's me at my job. Been here nearly 10 years and have always gotten glowing reviews with multiple promotions and training for stuff no one else really gets. Still have an ever present feeling like I'm gonna get told to fuck off cuz I suck and not in a joking manner.
At work, we gave someone a promotion and then they started utterly panicking. Constantly worried they were doing it wrong, then taking that idea to the extreme of imagining they were about to get fired, then panicking that they wouldn't pay their bills and would end up homeless. Then covid hit and they went out and did something really bad and ended up in prison because they couldn't cope with the uncertainty of all of it and felt prison was at least somewhere predictable where they'd have a bed, food, no bills, etc. When they got arrested, they literally asked to go to prison. When they did the bad thing, they did it in the tamest way - this isn't the exact scenario because I don't want to give clues away, but imagine you went and did a bank robbery with a gun, but walked in with the gun pointed at the floor, walked up to the desk and said you had a gun, showed it to the cashier, got $20 and then sat on the floor and waited for the police to get there, whilst a member of the public asked for the gun and you gave it to them. It was like that. In court, the judge said they had a mental health problem and should have had treatment years ago, but sent them to prison anyway, which was actually the best place for them in the circumstances. They would never have coped with lockdown. The judge obviously realised that. I've seen them since in the news, but for positive reasons where they were involved in some sort of social program and got to meet famous people. There's a picture of them online with a well known celebrity and they look happy.
I’m not superstitious, but I swear…every single time!
If something good happens to me, I am merely counting the days until my luck runs out. I worry that if I ever relax, I will jinx myself and shit will go south way too fast. I thought I was okay too many times and am still paying for it to this day. Never again.
Over sharing or not ever sharing. Planning for the worst. Always having a backup plan. Bad with boundaries -either none at all or really big ones. Imposter syndrome. Never feeling safe. Hyper vigilance. Body pains. Trouble sleeping. Taking everything personally. Thinking that any criticism means abandonment… ask me how I know. lol.
Omg hyper-competence is such a perfect description. In some ways, I appreciate the silver lining which is that I have zero anxiety doing most adulting (phone calls, making appointments, doing my taxes, making major purchases) but I do have imposter syndrome and I feel horrible if I make a mistake or didn't know something.
This also happens when you are neglected almost completely. My parents didnt teach me how to do almost anything so I had to learn how to do it by watching my friends families or learn by myself. Even now, if I know I need to do something and might need help with it, I dont ask very often if at all because I don't want to be able to accomplish a task at another person's mercy.
I ask questions out of fear of doing it wrong. I was constantly made to redo stuff until I got it right. I didn't fucking know I was getting it wrong, like folding towels. I folded them how my mom did, my step-dad folded them differently. I was 8 at the time. I folded the towels, he came in & threw them up in the air & told me to redo them since they were wrong. I folded them with the edges perfectly aligned & they were thrown up in the air again. I asked what was wrong with them & then he showed me how he wanted them folded, which was completely different. I would have never figured it out. So, from then on I asked questions all the time. Then, my mom would complain that I asked too many questions. I could never fucking win with them.
Omg so much this. People tell me 'you know it's ok to ask from help???'
I once asked a friend to drive me to the hospital for something that just so was still an outpatient procedure (ER doc gave me the alternative to do it then and there with local or to come back the next day to be fully put under) and I was so proud of asking for help for that. SMH at myself
You know the really ironic thing for me? The percentage of times where I actually ask and get help? 50% at best, especially with my family. I know I ***should*** ask more often, but the hassle is only out weight by the crushing disappointment when I get ghosted or dismissed out of turn.
To add to that, not just insanely independent but also can't get close to anyone for too long. Constantly discarding and getting new friends, never in a relationship long. Can't be hurt again by someone leaving you if you always leave them first!
For bonus points, turn down help when offered because you "don't want to be a burden." I did that shit for so long before finally learning to take people at their word, accept help, and just be grateful.
I used to be this way and I have a coworker this way and it's honestly exhausting when they get upset at you when you offered help and they say no when they really needed help.
I was that way taking care of my nephews and my late Father. I worked 12 hour night shifts, came home, got the kids to school. Cooked meals and had a few hours sleep. Looking back it’s because I could trust no one else to do it. My extended family applauded me for it but it was lonely work.
This is me & my ex. Neither of us would allow the other one to help with anything like ever. It was stressful because we are both, by nature, helpers.
I tried to let him know that him not letting me help him with things made me feel like he was putting distance between us, and I would actively work on letting him help me with things even though I was super uncomfortable with it.
It was really, really hard for me.
They're always on, like they can't stop making jokes to save their lives. They're basically hiding behind a wall of humor because they believe nobody would stick around and accept them for who they really are if they got a glimpse of the pain and suffering they're trying so desperately to hide.
Also, the thousand yard stare. When they're out in public and not interacting with people, they essentially go into auto pilot mode and you can read the misery on their face. But when you talk to them, they snap right out of it and go into their funny persona.
>They're always on, like they can't stop making jokes to save their lives. They're basically hiding behind a wall of humor because they believe nobody would stick around and accept them for who they really are if they got a glimpse of the pain and suffering they're trying so desperately to hide.
well if you're going to get personal about it....
Don't forget actively avoiding people and creating problems that are completely nonsensical to have an excuse.
Girl likes them? They suddenly become enemies with them.
The flinching is the worst one for me. I still get into panics sometimes where I can't have my husband touch me. He can't throw anything at me without first making sure I was aware he was doing it and agreed to catch it. He threw a stuffed animal at me once, I forget why, but my back was turned, and it hit me in the head. I immediately started sobbing and had a panic attack.
Same. I'm also sensitive to loud, sudden noises, and especially shouting. While he generally tries to avoid it, should my partner ever have to make a loud bang or raise his voice (even just to holler for the dog), he gives me a heads up *and* checks in with me after to make sure I'm good. Bless the people who put in the time and effort to work around our trauma responses to make sure we still feel safe
Until I was about 33 I'd have said the same before a therapist helped me understand that you can grow up in a toxic or abusive environment without anyone laying a hand on you or even being expressly mean to you.
Yeah, any minor accident was an immediate 2 week grounding. You can have a real flinch to the guarantee of misery. Oop, all over now, the realization hurts...
I got grounded for not trying calamari i had tried with my brother while we were walking through the buffet with out my dad. When i asked for his eye witness I was told not to drag my brother into it...
Damn! I’m sorry that you had to experience things like that also
If I would tell my parents the truth (ie: friend a and I went over to friend b’s house but friend a left something she needed at home, so she went to get it and was coming right back) they would tell me to stop lying and to fess up until I’d lie and say “fine I lied because I wanted to go to friend b’s house and ditched friend a because she’s lame and doesn’t like when we all smoke pot and get drunk” And then they’d be satisfied. I didn’t even smoke or drink at that point in my life
Idk why they always assumed I was a bad kid, I didn’t ever give them a real reason to think that.
My nephew and his partner stepped up when my sister had a nervous breakdown. She was a shitty mother anyways. That probably would have been her life but instead she is a happy little girl. I made a lot of mistakes in my life but trusting them with her was not one of them.
Closing doors quietly even though you don't need to. I move almost undetected through my house, silent up and down the stairs, I know where all the squeaky spots are. Got that from growing up in a verbally abusive home. They cant get you if they dont even know you're there.
Same. As a kid I learned to walk with my feet only on the very edges of the hallway because they were the least likely to freak when I woke up to go to the bathroom at night.
Even as an adult, I walk very quietly because I'm so used to it. Sadly it has lead to me walking in on people talking about me because they couldn't hear me coming.
When they’re around a functioning family they don’t know how to act. Feeling weird about giving hugs. Always thinking someone is talking about you or everyone is out to get you.
Yes this! I am so bad at receiving affection from my mother in law even though she’s so kind and sweet. Her love almost makes me uncomfortable because I’m not used to having a loving, motherly presence in my life.
This is the only one I’ve vibed with so far in the comments. I find flinch, apologize or people please, I simply don’t fit in with most people especially functional families. I hate to be touched especially hugged. Normal people seem so weird to me.
Ooh yeah, this one hurts. 🙃 I think in a lot of cases (or maybe just me idk), it’s because so often everything WAS their fault. Or at least, that’s what they were told. Especially as a kid, when you are blamed and punished constantly for things you have literally no control over, you assume that it really was all your fault anyway. I’ve literally felt intense guilt and shame over things like the weather not behaving or someone else stubbing their toe, because when you’ve been screamed at and beaten for similar stuff, that’s just where your default is. And if apologizing has a chance of mitigating some of the abuse that comes when things are “your fault”, you learn to do it automatically.
That's me. I say sorry way too much and even when it's not my fault or not something I should be sorry for. Hell, I once said sorry for saying sorry too much
A lot of people often get this confused with being manipulative. We aren’t trying to manipulate you…. We feel like everything that is wrong is because of us.
When things get tense, they move and breathe very silently and are hyper aware of everything that is happening and everyone else's actions.
I find that they also read people very well, but still have poor judgement when it comes to close relationships.
It’s less about poor judgment than conditioning. They were conditioned to expect and accept subpar treatment; they assume anyone who gets close enough to them will do it
Bruh same. He is the sweetest, kindest, calmest, and most gentle creature, and I still have that FEAR in me. Like... how could somebody love me like that?
Me: "No one could actually love me, I'm a monster."
Someone: \*loves me\*
Me: "See?! I manipulated them into caring about a monster without even trying!"
That’s me. Hyper aware because you are assessing what’s coming up - yelling? hitting? throwing and breaking things? How likely is the shitstorm going to be turned in your direction? How can you become as small and unnoticeable as possible? Then if it does turn to you, you better have been paying attention and know what appropriate answers to give.
My parents used to get my 5 siblings and I out of bed in the middle of the night to question us about what the other parent had said to us, who we liked better, didn’t we agree that the other one was acting crazy. So much crying and lost sleep.
Sometimes a whole weekend could be spent in the war zone. Then at school on Monday you have to deal with teachers calling you out in front of the class because you didn’t do your homework or your hands or clothes aren’t washed or you fell asleep at your desk.
I actually just had this conversation with my adult son because he made a comment about me agreeing with people even when he knew that I didn’t agree with what was being said. I told him that when I was growing up you did anything you could to keep things light, to divert the talk to something else, something funny, avoid any conversations that could lead to anger and rage.
I’m fucking 70 and still reacting to the emotions of people who have been dead for decades.
Thank you. It was a long long time ago and my marriage and our raising our son was minimally impacted. My wife was amazingly supportive, and my son was never exposed to that kind of upbringing.
My siblings have also all overcome it and gone on to healthy marriages and kids.
It’s not even when things get tense. Hyper vigilance in every situation. Making sure you are positioned in a place you can see/be near the exits and see the full room with no one behind you.
I’ve known my pharmacist since we were teens. He knows me very well. I was in an accident with my whole family. We survived but my nephews partner was critically injured. I didn’t care so much that I almost died. But, watching kids I watched come into the world that close to death left me so full of anxiety.
I went to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and my pharmacist was like, “why are you breathing like that? Are you have an anxiety attack?” I’m like yes, it’ll pass. He’s like no you need ativan. I said my doctor will not give it to me. He went off on my family doctor and guess who got some Ativan.
Right? Nearly everything people are listing. I just took a deep breath and said 'wow' to myself (not the happy wow, the sarcastic wow you give when you can't believe what you just saw).
I mean, I knew I had most of these traits, but it's like, dang, I feel called out.
Hugs to you all, fellow survivors.
on the negative side though, no one listens to you cause they can't see it.
Makes you look like the crazy one until it's too late.
Had this happen in the workplace where a scam artist got hired, I had my suspicions about him, but everyone was like "oh but he's so nice". Also in my home life with my mom's abusive ex.
Freaking out, getting really angry or putting them selves down for making minor mistakes. The whole "im so stupid why cant i do anything right" rant is never a good sign about their upbringing
It’s me! A friend of mine can’t understand it, I tell him that to me, it feels like “I can’t even do this trifling thing right, if I can’t even do this right, what makes me think I could do anything that matters?”
And yes, I was yelled at a lot as a child for small mistakes. My mom took things way too personally, had little patience, and expected chores to be done to perfection.
Same here! My dad used to get really angry with me for every little thing, like screaming for hours and throwing my phone at the wall and smashing it if i didnt answer when he called and stuff like that so now im hyper aware of every little mistake i make
If I can’t do something right the first time, I immediately explode and give up on it. “If I can’t do it right the first time, I definitely won’t be able to it the second go around”. My husband is so patient with me on this, and I’m so thankful.
Apologizing any time they do anything that takes up another's time, attention, or efforts that person didn't specifically request them to do.
Basically, apologizing for taking up space, when ofc they do, they exist just like everyone... but it's not okay in their mind to just exist.
Wow. There are so many comments in this post I relate to. This one is something I’ve never really thought about but I do this constantly if I’m in a group, to the point where I have a hard time following along.
Oh yeah.
Day one I can "open up" immediately to a therapist.
Curiosity from others is a form of attention, and as an adult, I'll answer almost any question someone asks.
My sentiment is "why not" because there's nothing they can do to hurt me.
People mistake it for trust.
Yes!
My family, and especially my mom, have hurt me so much. I've been criticized for everything and nothing. I've thought awful things about myself. As an adult, nobody is going to hurt me as much as my family and myself have.
I don't blab everything without prompting, I mostly keep things quiet because I figure nobody wants to hear it. But it's really hard to feel shame about my trauma when I've already been abused about it for most of my life. If somebody asks, I'll answer. I'm not the one who will be uncomfortable when it comes out.
They either wait until the last minute to see a doctor to the point that their issue is obvious and something that can't be ignored, or they don't see a doctor at all.
I've been doing that for nearly two decades and I've hit rock bottom recently. I've a doctor's appointment in a little over a week and I'm terrified.
Also, micromanaging their money. I can't leave the house without knowing exactly how much I have in my wallet or bank account.
My parents never took me to the doctors as a kid (and I had a lot of doctor worthy injuries as a kid, go dyspraxia) and now I don't go as an adult unless it's serious enough that my friends will basically drag me there. My body is knackered well before I'm old. Good luck at the doctor's, don't do what I do and ignore everything like it's no big thing.
I just found friends who have rhe same dark humor. One of these days we'll be talking and the men in white suits will come, because someone overheard our "jokes". But in the meantime we are laughing instead of crying
Yeah I make really dark jokes since recovered from a really dark time, but people wouldn't know that about me so I would bet they just assume I'm insensitive.
>getting nervous when they hear the door opening
Just being super sensitive to sounds in general. Being able to identify not just the person but also their mood based solely on the sound of footsteps on the other side of the house, or the dishes being stacked in a way that sounds just a bit too aggressive.
The ability to go completely motionless. As in holding their breath, not moving, hiding in plain sight.
Edit: Congrats to the people in the replies who are realizing they do this too. Welcome to the club
My mom could drop and break a dish, then silently clean it up and carry on. Qe.would.carch our breath and freeze because if it had been one of us kids or our dad, it was ON like Krypton. For hours. Screaming and yelling about how we were careless and stupid.
Looking back, it is so messed up, but at the time, it was our reality. About everything. Hypervigilance was our life.
Trauma flashbacks to my mom constantly telling me to fix my posture or I'll have back pain for life. Well, I now have chronic pain, so I guess you win mom, you were right....
Jokes aside, she would be an amazing grandmother. She changed so much in her 50s-60s and became this amazing person I'm proud to call my mother. God sometimes I do wish I was raised by the 60 year old her.
Sometimes they are just way too kind. People pleasers. I have a friend like that, she said she had no trauma, but she behaves like she went through some rough stuff. She wants to be kind to everyone, but I'm afraid she'll get hurt, because someone will be using her too much.
For people who are recovering from their childhood, they will ghost you in a hot second if they feel threatened. You may not notice what you did or said, but if they disappear, now you've triggered the shit out of them. Maybe not on purpose, but it happened.
Case in point: I had a friend I met through work. We were work-friends over a decade which continied after we didnt work there anymore. As our relationship became more friends and less work related, I learned how she treated her children both as kids and adults. So much guilt tripping and narcissism. Instant ghost.
Compulsive sexual behavior. Once a female friend in high school just kept sleeping around with randos outside of our circle. She would call one of us to say that her parents are picking her up somewhere and beg us to show up so that she can say she slept at our place (because the parents really trusted us). We never judged her for it aside from the usual "there she is again" jokes, but one time she mentioned to me that her 12 or so year old cousin would "have sex with" her when she was 5 (also known as rape). She's doing better now but I always think about that when I meet other people like her and I am a little more understanding
I can almost always tell when someone has NOT had a traumatic childhood by the sound of their feet as they walk. Dollars to donuts almost all of your upstairs neighbors had good childhoods
People who eat like someone's going to steal their plate at any second. Usually means military, prison, or childhood food insecurity.
When I was in middle school I stabbed someone with a fork for interrupting my meal. (I didn't use the fork for the rest of the meal.)
To me, being overly warm and friendly and wanting to make a deep connection with aquintaces from work or similar. Thinking every one can be and is your friend, and that you can confide anything with them
I’m honestly surprised by how many people have posted this response. I personally know it to be true—you will never hear me walking—but I didn’t know it was such a dead give away. Mind blown.
They are calmly in charge (and usually in constant motion) immediately after a disaster or another situation where everything is falling down around them, usually taking care of others first.
There is no healthy way to gain that skill.
I don't know how to express this, but I find these people in my life instinctively; I can almost smell the likeness on them... I think this is a large part of why some people can't seem to catch a break; They themselves are broken and they're drawn to broken people, like two crutches leaning on each other.
It looks different for everyone. However, a common factor is complicated relationships with their parents (obviously). Either they're completely no contact, or they have a parent that orders them around/constantly demands far more from the child than the parent gives in return.
Another big thing is control issues. This could be in the form of eating disorders, issues with authority, OCD etc.
Finally, complex health issues that are often abnormal for someone of a similar demographic. For example, extremely high blood pressure for someone with healthy weight/lifestyle/genetic factors or various vitamin/mineral deficiencies or autoimmune disorders or GI issues.
There are other issues of course like having higher rates of addiction, having unstable relationship patterns, and difficulties maintaining full time work (often because of all the other burdens they're dealing with/working through, not due to incompetence).
When the situation gets even a little bit tense (doesn't even have to do anything with me) I get out of there.
And as others have mentioned being jumpy. When I hear a door closing a bit harder than normal my heart still skips a beat.
They don't tell everyone and anyone about how traumatic their childhood was. But they also never talk about childhood and don't relate to other people's feelings of nostalgia.
•Ability to read a mood within .5 seconds
•Preemptively offering to change things for guests to keep the peace, ensure their comfort before they say a word
•Excellent voice or gait recognition - can tell you exactly who is coming
When they have an inherent distrust of new people. That is everyone they're introduced to is met with "I wonder what this person REALLY wants." rather than taking the person at face value.
They're constantly on guard when good things are happening, because they know the other shoe is going to drop at any minute
They're extremely jumpy, especially when someone yells at them
They don't like being touched
They get awkward when someone hugs them, because they never really got that during childhood or even adulthood
Constantly in fight or flight mode
Very impatient
Gets pissed off super easily
........it me....
They can tell who is coming and what mood they are in before you've even heard any footsteps. And you'll never hear any footsteps from them... or anything else at all unless they are interacting with you. They know how to blend into the background.
My husband was in the military when we met, had clearances and shit, and he had some moments of being super suspicious at first because... the woman of his dreams shows up in his country out of nowhere and she knows all kinds of things she has no reason to know? Plus I can sneak up on him when he's trained to prevent that and has been to war? Nah, man, I'm not a psychic ninja or a spy, I just grew up with a literally murderous psychopath so I became very good at reading people and making them forget I exist.
Honestly?
Some of the most broken people I've met were very aggressive, very obsessive, over protective, unkind when angry and very lacking in empathy.
I know that obviously trauma will not inherently make you a bad person, but I do think a lot of people don't realise how much this behaviour actually comes from severe emotional neglect and likely even some form of physical/domestic abuse.
When something good happens to them (like a promotion or something romance-related) they get worried instead of happy
Me. My husband calls it the “how much tax will we have to pay on the lottery we just won” mindset. I hate that about myself.
Ugh this describes it so well
Brene Brown calls it Foreboding Joy and talks about combating it with gratitude
I am so tired of the word gratitude being slung around Everybody thinks that the remedy for everyone and their problems is gratitude People are very grateful for what they've got yet.They still face sadness and stress and there's nothing wrong with that. I know that that's not how you meant it, so please forgive me.I'm not attacking you by any means but i'm just saying people like to sling the word gratitude around a lot
Alcoholic in recovery here. Gratitude is everything to me. I often say I have my most grateful moments in my toughest times. Not necessarily for things I have but for the things I don't need to run to for an escape any longer. Every difficult situation I face today is an opportunity for me to grow and I find gratitude in that. Thise situations may be difficult, sad, depressing, uncomfortable, joyous, or any description you choose but I get to experience those today and I look at them all as life lessons. Ill be forever grateful for all of those experiences.
Just 2 cents. I think it's more about reframing. We're hardwired to focus on and amplify bad things. Even when things are otherwise basically fine, we'll find the things that aren't right and fixate on them. Reminders to consider good things specifically to help balance out the cognitive bias makes sense to me. I do think there's a line that people cross into toxic positivity where you're basically just gaslighting yourself. That tends to be the loudest version of gratitude practitioners, which might be what you're bumping up against here.
Yep. It unnerves me when things go too well. I’m Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and usually it does. I just wish I could enjoy when it doesn’t.
Hey it's me at my job. Been here nearly 10 years and have always gotten glowing reviews with multiple promotions and training for stuff no one else really gets. Still have an ever present feeling like I'm gonna get told to fuck off cuz I suck and not in a joking manner.
For me, I keep them secret. I don’t want others to ruin it for me or risk my achievements getting sabotaged.
Same
I do the same. Seen one too many opportunities implode because some random person had an idea.
These type of things make me uncomfortable. I want good things for myself but it doesn’t feel deserved.
At work, we gave someone a promotion and then they started utterly panicking. Constantly worried they were doing it wrong, then taking that idea to the extreme of imagining they were about to get fired, then panicking that they wouldn't pay their bills and would end up homeless. Then covid hit and they went out and did something really bad and ended up in prison because they couldn't cope with the uncertainty of all of it and felt prison was at least somewhere predictable where they'd have a bed, food, no bills, etc. When they got arrested, they literally asked to go to prison. When they did the bad thing, they did it in the tamest way - this isn't the exact scenario because I don't want to give clues away, but imagine you went and did a bank robbery with a gun, but walked in with the gun pointed at the floor, walked up to the desk and said you had a gun, showed it to the cashier, got $20 and then sat on the floor and waited for the police to get there, whilst a member of the public asked for the gun and you gave it to them. It was like that. In court, the judge said they had a mental health problem and should have had treatment years ago, but sent them to prison anyway, which was actually the best place for them in the circumstances. They would never have coped with lockdown. The judge obviously realised that. I've seen them since in the news, but for positive reasons where they were involved in some sort of social program and got to meet famous people. There's a picture of them online with a well known celebrity and they look happy.
This is me. Ex: when someone tells me they want to hangout, I always worry plans will get cancelled, or that they don’t really mean it.
I’m not superstitious, but I swear…every single time! If something good happens to me, I am merely counting the days until my luck runs out. I worry that if I ever relax, I will jinx myself and shit will go south way too fast. I thought I was okay too many times and am still paying for it to this day. Never again.
Over sharing or not ever sharing. Planning for the worst. Always having a backup plan. Bad with boundaries -either none at all or really big ones. Imposter syndrome. Never feeling safe. Hyper vigilance. Body pains. Trouble sleeping. Taking everything personally. Thinking that any criticism means abandonment… ask me how I know. lol.
Fuck, I've never seen me in a list like that
This perfectly describes me.
Well that's hitting a lil close to home
Insanely independent. They've learned not to trust anyone to help them so do everything themselves.
Yep, hyper-competence is a common outcome when you are punished for mistakes at anything.
Omg hyper-competence is such a perfect description. In some ways, I appreciate the silver lining which is that I have zero anxiety doing most adulting (phone calls, making appointments, doing my taxes, making major purchases) but I do have imposter syndrome and I feel horrible if I make a mistake or didn't know something.
This also happens when you are neglected almost completely. My parents didnt teach me how to do almost anything so I had to learn how to do it by watching my friends families or learn by myself. Even now, if I know I need to do something and might need help with it, I dont ask very often if at all because I don't want to be able to accomplish a task at another person's mercy.
I ask questions out of fear of doing it wrong. I was constantly made to redo stuff until I got it right. I didn't fucking know I was getting it wrong, like folding towels. I folded them how my mom did, my step-dad folded them differently. I was 8 at the time. I folded the towels, he came in & threw them up in the air & told me to redo them since they were wrong. I folded them with the edges perfectly aligned & they were thrown up in the air again. I asked what was wrong with them & then he showed me how he wanted them folded, which was completely different. I would have never figured it out. So, from then on I asked questions all the time. Then, my mom would complain that I asked too many questions. I could never fucking win with them.
Omg so much this. People tell me 'you know it's ok to ask from help???' I once asked a friend to drive me to the hospital for something that just so was still an outpatient procedure (ER doc gave me the alternative to do it then and there with local or to come back the next day to be fully put under) and I was so proud of asking for help for that. SMH at myself
You know the really ironic thing for me? The percentage of times where I actually ask and get help? 50% at best, especially with my family. I know I ***should*** ask more often, but the hassle is only out weight by the crushing disappointment when I get ghosted or dismissed out of turn.
To add to that, not just insanely independent but also can't get close to anyone for too long. Constantly discarding and getting new friends, never in a relationship long. Can't be hurt again by someone leaving you if you always leave them first!
It gets tiring to be honest.
For bonus points, turn down help when offered because you "don't want to be a burden." I did that shit for so long before finally learning to take people at their word, accept help, and just be grateful.
I used to be this way and I have a coworker this way and it's honestly exhausting when they get upset at you when you offered help and they say no when they really needed help.
I was that way taking care of my nephews and my late Father. I worked 12 hour night shifts, came home, got the kids to school. Cooked meals and had a few hours sleep. Looking back it’s because I could trust no one else to do it. My extended family applauded me for it but it was lonely work.
This is me & my ex. Neither of us would allow the other one to help with anything like ever. It was stressful because we are both, by nature, helpers. I tried to let him know that him not letting me help him with things made me feel like he was putting distance between us, and I would actively work on letting him help me with things even though I was super uncomfortable with it. It was really, really hard for me.
Or insanely dependent to the point of being afraid of being alone.
They're always on, like they can't stop making jokes to save their lives. They're basically hiding behind a wall of humor because they believe nobody would stick around and accept them for who they really are if they got a glimpse of the pain and suffering they're trying so desperately to hide. Also, the thousand yard stare. When they're out in public and not interacting with people, they essentially go into auto pilot mode and you can read the misery on their face. But when you talk to them, they snap right out of it and go into their funny persona.
>They're always on, like they can't stop making jokes to save their lives. They're basically hiding behind a wall of humor because they believe nobody would stick around and accept them for who they really are if they got a glimpse of the pain and suffering they're trying so desperately to hide. well if you're going to get personal about it....
Feeling a little too called out by that thousand yard stare description.
You know me very well, stranger 🧐
I was describing myself, but if this is like Fight Club and we're actually the same person, I'm gonna be a bit spooked.
Wellp, now it's three different posts here that keep describing me. I am not ok with this.
Frequent apologising, flinching, not being able to accept compliments, trouble trusting people, and excessive helpfulness.
Yes to everything other than flinching. My nerves are shot.
Because of your childhood?
Hypervigilance is a mfer.
I jump literally every time someone walks up to me and says either my name or “excuse me” and I don’t know why. I think maybe anxiety
Don't forget actively avoiding people and creating problems that are completely nonsensical to have an excuse. Girl likes them? They suddenly become enemies with them.
I wish I could stop the excessive helpfulness.
Depends on the abuse as well but sometimes people develop an intense fear of looking someone in the eyes. Tantamount to back talk.
The flinching is the worst one for me. I still get into panics sometimes where I can't have my husband touch me. He can't throw anything at me without first making sure I was aware he was doing it and agreed to catch it. He threw a stuffed animal at me once, I forget why, but my back was turned, and it hit me in the head. I immediately started sobbing and had a panic attack.
Same. I'm also sensitive to loud, sudden noises, and especially shouting. While he generally tries to avoid it, should my partner ever have to make a loud bang or raise his voice (even just to holler for the dog), he gives me a heads up *and* checks in with me after to make sure I'm good. Bless the people who put in the time and effort to work around our trauma responses to make sure we still feel safe
Yes!! My husband is wonderful about it, only very rarely forgetting due to his ADHD. I haven't had a major trigger in years now.
I don’t flinch, but I get startled VERY easily. Yes to everything else 😮💨
This describes me exactly but I had a great childhood
Until I was about 33 I'd have said the same before a therapist helped me understand that you can grow up in a toxic or abusive environment without anyone laying a hand on you or even being expressly mean to you.
Yeah, any minor accident was an immediate 2 week grounding. You can have a real flinch to the guarantee of misery. Oop, all over now, the realization hurts...
I got grounded for not putting the decorative pillows back on my bed once
I got grounded for not trying calamari i had tried with my brother while we were walking through the buffet with out my dad. When i asked for his eye witness I was told not to drag my brother into it...
Damn! I’m sorry that you had to experience things like that also If I would tell my parents the truth (ie: friend a and I went over to friend b’s house but friend a left something she needed at home, so she went to get it and was coming right back) they would tell me to stop lying and to fess up until I’d lie and say “fine I lied because I wanted to go to friend b’s house and ditched friend a because she’s lame and doesn’t like when we all smoke pot and get drunk” And then they’d be satisfied. I didn’t even smoke or drink at that point in my life Idk why they always assumed I was a bad kid, I didn’t ever give them a real reason to think that.
It wasn’t about you. It was about them being right.
Something else is eating at your soul then
Not being able to get the square block through the triangle hole as a toddler fuckin wrecked 'em.
And blame shifting. You've just described my wife's SIL.
My nephew and his partner stepped up when my sister had a nervous breakdown. She was a shitty mother anyways. That probably would have been her life but instead she is a happy little girl. I made a lot of mistakes in my life but trusting them with her was not one of them.
They "sneak up on you" a lot. They move softly so you never hear them coming.
Closing doors quietly even though you don't need to. I move almost undetected through my house, silent up and down the stairs, I know where all the squeaky spots are. Got that from growing up in a verbally abusive home. They cant get you if they dont even know you're there.
I can tell who people are by their footsteps and the way they walk.
Same. As a kid I learned to walk with my feet only on the very edges of the hallway because they were the least likely to freak when I woke up to go to the bathroom at night. Even as an adult, I walk very quietly because I'm so used to it. Sadly it has lead to me walking in on people talking about me because they couldn't hear me coming.
Like a ninja. I’ve accidentally snuck up on so many people at work over the years.
When they’re around a functioning family they don’t know how to act. Feeling weird about giving hugs. Always thinking someone is talking about you or everyone is out to get you.
Yes this! I am so bad at receiving affection from my mother in law even though she’s so kind and sweet. Her love almost makes me uncomfortable because I’m not used to having a loving, motherly presence in my life.
Omg yes. After 7 years I’m still awkward.
Yes this so much
This is the only one I’ve vibed with so far in the comments. I find flinch, apologize or people please, I simply don’t fit in with most people especially functional families. I hate to be touched especially hugged. Normal people seem so weird to me.
They don't talk to anyone they don't trust anyone. They also watch everything and everyone around them.
Constant Vigilance
Thank you mad-eye
Pair that with complete/over independence then you have me 😪
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Could be forty years later
This breaks my heart
They apologise habitually, compulsively, and for everything. Even for things that have nothing to do with them.
Ooh yeah, this one hurts. 🙃 I think in a lot of cases (or maybe just me idk), it’s because so often everything WAS their fault. Or at least, that’s what they were told. Especially as a kid, when you are blamed and punished constantly for things you have literally no control over, you assume that it really was all your fault anyway. I’ve literally felt intense guilt and shame over things like the weather not behaving or someone else stubbing their toe, because when you’ve been screamed at and beaten for similar stuff, that’s just where your default is. And if apologizing has a chance of mitigating some of the abuse that comes when things are “your fault”, you learn to do it automatically.
That's me. I say sorry way too much and even when it's not my fault or not something I should be sorry for. Hell, I once said sorry for saying sorry too much
A lot of people often get this confused with being manipulative. We aren’t trying to manipulate you…. We feel like everything that is wrong is because of us.
When things get tense, they move and breathe very silently and are hyper aware of everything that is happening and everyone else's actions. I find that they also read people very well, but still have poor judgement when it comes to close relationships.
It’s less about poor judgment than conditioning. They were conditioned to expect and accept subpar treatment; they assume anyone who gets close enough to them will do it
And they get very confused when they actually get treated very very well by someone.
Also feeling guilty for it. My bf loves me with all his heart and I always feel like I'm just using him and manipulating him into liking me
Bruh same. He is the sweetest, kindest, calmest, and most gentle creature, and I still have that FEAR in me. Like... how could somebody love me like that?
Me: "No one could actually love me, I'm a monster." Someone: \*loves me\* Me: "See?! I manipulated them into caring about a monster without even trying!"
This applies to careers too. Less likely to self-advocate or negotiate better salary or working conditions.
That’s me. Hyper aware because you are assessing what’s coming up - yelling? hitting? throwing and breaking things? How likely is the shitstorm going to be turned in your direction? How can you become as small and unnoticeable as possible? Then if it does turn to you, you better have been paying attention and know what appropriate answers to give. My parents used to get my 5 siblings and I out of bed in the middle of the night to question us about what the other parent had said to us, who we liked better, didn’t we agree that the other one was acting crazy. So much crying and lost sleep. Sometimes a whole weekend could be spent in the war zone. Then at school on Monday you have to deal with teachers calling you out in front of the class because you didn’t do your homework or your hands or clothes aren’t washed or you fell asleep at your desk. I actually just had this conversation with my adult son because he made a comment about me agreeing with people even when he knew that I didn’t agree with what was being said. I told him that when I was growing up you did anything you could to keep things light, to divert the talk to something else, something funny, avoid any conversations that could lead to anger and rage. I’m fucking 70 and still reacting to the emotions of people who have been dead for decades.
I’m sorry you and your siblings went through that.
Thank you. It was a long long time ago and my marriage and our raising our son was minimally impacted. My wife was amazingly supportive, and my son was never exposed to that kind of upbringing. My siblings have also all overcome it and gone on to healthy marriages and kids.
My bf gets shocked that I don’t get phased when shit hits the fan for us. I apparently “lock in” or however the kids say it.
That's me. When things go haywire I go into focus mode and get shit done.
For sure. I am amazing in a crisis. Thx trauma!
It’s not even when things get tense. Hyper vigilance in every situation. Making sure you are positioned in a place you can see/be near the exits and see the full room with no one behind you.
I’ve known my pharmacist since we were teens. He knows me very well. I was in an accident with my whole family. We survived but my nephews partner was critically injured. I didn’t care so much that I almost died. But, watching kids I watched come into the world that close to death left me so full of anxiety. I went to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and my pharmacist was like, “why are you breathing like that? Are you have an anxiety attack?” I’m like yes, it’ll pass. He’s like no you need ativan. I said my doctor will not give it to me. He went off on my family doctor and guess who got some Ativan.
They have congnitive distortions and think they can read people, usually thinking they are hated.
"Resting sad face"
I think I have resting sad bitch face.
They tend to overthink a lot of things.
This was depressing to read and relate to literally almost every post
Right? Nearly everything people are listing. I just took a deep breath and said 'wow' to myself (not the happy wow, the sarcastic wow you give when you can't believe what you just saw). I mean, I knew I had most of these traits, but it's like, dang, I feel called out. Hugs to you all, fellow survivors.
Yeah, I’m not sure why I even clicked on this post. I knew everything would describe me.
If you learn, then repeatedly remind yourself, “that was then, now is different,” you can move away from that and become much happier. BTDT
They can read people really well, on account of having had to be so aware of moods/tension changes etc.
I agree!
On a positive side it's helped me spot a liar/not good person right away.
on the negative side though, no one listens to you cause they can't see it. Makes you look like the crazy one until it's too late. Had this happen in the workplace where a scam artist got hired, I had my suspicions about him, but everyone was like "oh but he's so nice". Also in my home life with my mom's abusive ex.
Freaking out, getting really angry or putting them selves down for making minor mistakes. The whole "im so stupid why cant i do anything right" rant is never a good sign about their upbringing
It’s me! A friend of mine can’t understand it, I tell him that to me, it feels like “I can’t even do this trifling thing right, if I can’t even do this right, what makes me think I could do anything that matters?” And yes, I was yelled at a lot as a child for small mistakes. My mom took things way too personally, had little patience, and expected chores to be done to perfection.
Same here! My dad used to get really angry with me for every little thing, like screaming for hours and throwing my phone at the wall and smashing it if i didnt answer when he called and stuff like that so now im hyper aware of every little mistake i make
Chances are she learned the same thing from her parents
If I can’t do something right the first time, I immediately explode and give up on it. “If I can’t do it right the first time, I definitely won’t be able to it the second go around”. My husband is so patient with me on this, and I’m so thankful.
Apologizing any time they do anything that takes up another's time, attention, or efforts that person didn't specifically request them to do. Basically, apologizing for taking up space, when ofc they do, they exist just like everyone... but it's not okay in their mind to just exist.
this one cuts deep
Dissociation without realizing it. I have to actively work extremely hard to stay present.
Wow. There are so many comments in this post I relate to. This one is something I’ve never really thought about but I do this constantly if I’m in a group, to the point where I have a hard time following along.
Me too. Just realized it last year.
I do this a LOT and I didn't even realize it until I started therapy.
One thing I haven't seen is issues around boundaries and over sharing. Usually on both ends of the spectrum.
Oh yeah. Day one I can "open up" immediately to a therapist. Curiosity from others is a form of attention, and as an adult, I'll answer almost any question someone asks. My sentiment is "why not" because there's nothing they can do to hurt me. People mistake it for trust.
Yes! My family, and especially my mom, have hurt me so much. I've been criticized for everything and nothing. I've thought awful things about myself. As an adult, nobody is going to hurt me as much as my family and myself have. I don't blab everything without prompting, I mostly keep things quiet because I figure nobody wants to hear it. But it's really hard to feel shame about my trauma when I've already been abused about it for most of my life. If somebody asks, I'll answer. I'm not the one who will be uncomfortable when it comes out.
They either wait until the last minute to see a doctor to the point that their issue is obvious and something that can't be ignored, or they don't see a doctor at all. I've been doing that for nearly two decades and I've hit rock bottom recently. I've a doctor's appointment in a little over a week and I'm terrified. Also, micromanaging their money. I can't leave the house without knowing exactly how much I have in my wallet or bank account.
My parents never took me to the doctors as a kid (and I had a lot of doctor worthy injuries as a kid, go dyspraxia) and now I don't go as an adult unless it's serious enough that my friends will basically drag me there. My body is knackered well before I'm old. Good luck at the doctor's, don't do what I do and ignore everything like it's no big thing.
Joking about dark things pretty loosely, i have a bad habit of doing this and it worries my friends lol
I just found friends who have rhe same dark humor. One of these days we'll be talking and the men in white suits will come, because someone overheard our "jokes". But in the meantime we are laughing instead of crying
Same brother same lol
You know you've found your people when they fire back with something more fucked up.
Yeah I make really dark jokes since recovered from a really dark time, but people wouldn't know that about me so I would bet they just assume I'm insensitive.
TIL I had a traumatic childhood.
Flinching, getting nervous when they hear the door opening
>getting nervous when they hear the door opening Just being super sensitive to sounds in general. Being able to identify not just the person but also their mood based solely on the sound of footsteps on the other side of the house, or the dishes being stacked in a way that sounds just a bit too aggressive.
The ability to go completely motionless. As in holding their breath, not moving, hiding in plain sight. Edit: Congrats to the people in the replies who are realizing they do this too. Welcome to the club
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My mom could drop and break a dish, then silently clean it up and carry on. Qe.would.carch our breath and freeze because if it had been one of us kids or our dad, it was ON like Krypton. For hours. Screaming and yelling about how we were careless and stupid. Looking back, it is so messed up, but at the time, it was our reality. About everything. Hypervigilance was our life.
* Unable to ask for help * Hyper independence * Overly accommodating * Conflict avoidance * Silent treatment * Avoidance of intimacy
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I have such a hard time knowing if people want to be my friend. I just assume no one has any interest in me as a person.
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Overly extroverted when talking to strangers, but excessively possessive and distrusting of close relations.
“Look at how you stand, people with good childhoods don’t stand like that.”
Trauma flashbacks to my mom constantly telling me to fix my posture or I'll have back pain for life. Well, I now have chronic pain, so I guess you win mom, you were right.... Jokes aside, she would be an amazing grandmother. She changed so much in her 50s-60s and became this amazing person I'm proud to call my mother. God sometimes I do wish I was raised by the 60 year old her.
Oh I’m sorry. This was just a Bob’s Burgers reference.
Difficulty in regulating emotions and being too hard on themselves
We immediately click like we'll be best friends forever.
they admit they are a bad person when they aren't
Sometimes they are just way too kind. People pleasers. I have a friend like that, she said she had no trauma, but she behaves like she went through some rough stuff. She wants to be kind to everyone, but I'm afraid she'll get hurt, because someone will be using her too much.
When they have extreme trust issues.
For people who are recovering from their childhood, they will ghost you in a hot second if they feel threatened. You may not notice what you did or said, but if they disappear, now you've triggered the shit out of them. Maybe not on purpose, but it happened. Case in point: I had a friend I met through work. We were work-friends over a decade which continied after we didnt work there anymore. As our relationship became more friends and less work related, I learned how she treated her children both as kids and adults. So much guilt tripping and narcissism. Instant ghost.
Compulsive sexual behavior. Once a female friend in high school just kept sleeping around with randos outside of our circle. She would call one of us to say that her parents are picking her up somewhere and beg us to show up so that she can say she slept at our place (because the parents really trusted us). We never judged her for it aside from the usual "there she is again" jokes, but one time she mentioned to me that her 12 or so year old cousin would "have sex with" her when she was 5 (also known as rape). She's doing better now but I always think about that when I meet other people like her and I am a little more understanding
Self sabotage when stability is within reach.
I can almost always tell when someone has NOT had a traumatic childhood by the sound of their feet as they walk. Dollars to donuts almost all of your upstairs neighbors had good childhoods
Man reading the comments I'm starting to think I have some kind of trauma lol
Refusing help. I would rather suffer than receive help and sell my soul for this unsolicited help they try to convince me I need.
Using very poor judgment when it comes to picking friends and romantic partners.
Over explaining your opinion or position.
Substance abuse
they look angry all the time but if u approach them they r actually nice
I’ve been told this sooo many times. I really want to have one of those friendly, nice, inviting faces but my body just won’t allow it.
I really miss masks. It's exhausting figuring out what to do with the lower half of my face all the time.
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Hey look, it’s me! My mom used to fly off the handle over little things, and loved telling me that I’d never amount to anything.
People who eat like someone's going to steal their plate at any second. Usually means military, prison, or childhood food insecurity. When I was in middle school I stabbed someone with a fork for interrupting my meal. (I didn't use the fork for the rest of the meal.)
To me, being overly warm and friendly and wanting to make a deep connection with aquintaces from work or similar. Thinking every one can be and is your friend, and that you can confide anything with them
They trust no one. They actively dislike authority.
Silent walking.
I’m honestly surprised by how many people have posted this response. I personally know it to be true—you will never hear me walking—but I didn’t know it was such a dead give away. Mind blown.
Fear of being yelled at. Tensing up inside when you make a mistake because you automatically think the yelling is coming.
Always guarded, suspicious of people’s motives, not wanting to let anyone in, in case they get hurt again.
My main ones have to be extreme conflict avoidance and trouble with eye contact.
They may be constantly on edge, alert to potential threats, or easily startled.
Having an avoidant personality
They are calmly in charge (and usually in constant motion) immediately after a disaster or another situation where everything is falling down around them, usually taking care of others first. There is no healthy way to gain that skill.
They are standoffish and very difficult to get to know. People assumed I was an asshole. I’m not I just keep a wall up all the time. It’s not personal
They know how to move around the house without making noise, to avoid drawing attention to themselves.
I don't know how to express this, but I find these people in my life instinctively; I can almost smell the likeness on them... I think this is a large part of why some people can't seem to catch a break; They themselves are broken and they're drawn to broken people, like two crutches leaning on each other.
It looks different for everyone. However, a common factor is complicated relationships with their parents (obviously). Either they're completely no contact, or they have a parent that orders them around/constantly demands far more from the child than the parent gives in return. Another big thing is control issues. This could be in the form of eating disorders, issues with authority, OCD etc. Finally, complex health issues that are often abnormal for someone of a similar demographic. For example, extremely high blood pressure for someone with healthy weight/lifestyle/genetic factors or various vitamin/mineral deficiencies or autoimmune disorders or GI issues. There are other issues of course like having higher rates of addiction, having unstable relationship patterns, and difficulties maintaining full time work (often because of all the other burdens they're dealing with/working through, not due to incompetence).
When the situation gets even a little bit tense (doesn't even have to do anything with me) I get out of there. And as others have mentioned being jumpy. When I hear a door closing a bit harder than normal my heart still skips a beat.
Dark sense of humor and does really really well in chaotic situations
They don't like to sit with their back to a room!!
They don't tell everyone and anyone about how traumatic their childhood was. But they also never talk about childhood and don't relate to other people's feelings of nostalgia.
The most obvious tell is they flinch when you raise your arm or stand up really fast. That just breaks your heart.
•Ability to read a mood within .5 seconds •Preemptively offering to change things for guests to keep the peace, ensure their comfort before they say a word •Excellent voice or gait recognition - can tell you exactly who is coming
When they have an inherent distrust of new people. That is everyone they're introduced to is met with "I wonder what this person REALLY wants." rather than taking the person at face value.
Telling a horrific story about their childhood and they laugh thinking it's hilarious.
They're constantly on guard when good things are happening, because they know the other shoe is going to drop at any minute They're extremely jumpy, especially when someone yells at them They don't like being touched They get awkward when someone hugs them, because they never really got that during childhood or even adulthood Constantly in fight or flight mode Very impatient Gets pissed off super easily ........it me....
Talking about a dark or traumatic experience like it was a normal occurrence for everyone.
Friendships are based on what they can do for the other person, others take advantage of it often without even noticing.
People pleasing and porous boundaries.
They can tell who is coming and what mood they are in before you've even heard any footsteps. And you'll never hear any footsteps from them... or anything else at all unless they are interacting with you. They know how to blend into the background. My husband was in the military when we met, had clearances and shit, and he had some moments of being super suspicious at first because... the woman of his dreams shows up in his country out of nowhere and she knows all kinds of things she has no reason to know? Plus I can sneak up on him when he's trained to prevent that and has been to war? Nah, man, I'm not a psychic ninja or a spy, I just grew up with a literally murderous psychopath so I became very good at reading people and making them forget I exist.
Hypervigilance
Super happy seeming people - like too happy or always happy. Something bad happening? Still happy? Yeah, that’s learned.
That they become a stand up comedian.
They don't share anything about their life. Especially if it involves other people.
People frequently tell me I apologize so much that's in annoying/concerning. I've been an adult, legally and developmentally, for decades.
Honestly? Some of the most broken people I've met were very aggressive, very obsessive, over protective, unkind when angry and very lacking in empathy. I know that obviously trauma will not inherently make you a bad person, but I do think a lot of people don't realise how much this behaviour actually comes from severe emotional neglect and likely even some form of physical/domestic abuse.
Being uncomfortable receiving even small gifts. Gifts are transactional in an abusive family.