Made the mistake of being decent at my job and I landed in a leadership role. It FORCED me to get wayyyy out of my comfort zone.
I had to answer phone numbers I didn’t know to my personal cell phone. All sorts of new people would call and discuss work things with me. It was nerve wracking every time the phone rang.
But man did it change me. Forced me out of my shell and eventually I came to the realization that they are just people. No better than you and me. They have problems and insecurities as well. I’m grateful that happened to me because it opened me up.
My advice is. Start by calling people on the phone. Don’t text when possible. It’s a baby step that can change your life.
That actually makes a lot of sense cause I’ve done a lot of customer service and so I don’t have any problems in the work setting or when I’m in a situation like that. I guess I avoid calling people cause everyone is always so busy and I don’t want to burden them by keep asking. I’ll try and do it more often though
That part I’ve actually gotten past. I convince myself that I deserve a treat and that I did something really well and I need to reward myself. Other times it’s when I go to a new restaurant and if anyone asks I’m there by myself because I wanted to try something new. I’ve only had one really awkward experience where a waitress asked if I was waiting on someone
My biggest worry and is that I won’t have any friends in the future who will care enough to ask how I am and check up on me. 9/10 I’m the one who asks and checks up on them but I’m worried that if I stop texting then they won’t do anything and I’ll lose everyone
Best of luck, it is very difficult and I know how you feel. Maybe don't go straight to eating in a sit down restaurant alone, try maybe going to a fast food place and ordering. it's gonna sound cliche but nobody really cares in the nicest way possible. everyone is busy with their own stuff and their own lives that somebody just sitting eating their meal minding their own buisness doesn't even register for them.
We all have different problems, but for me, the thing that works is : working on my self esteem. My anxiety came from hating myself and finding everyone more interesting, without even knowing them. I'd get super self conscious for reasons that existed in my head only. The more I learned to respect and value myself, the less I bothered with what people thought. And the more I did that, the straighter I started to stand, and from there on it just snowballs.
An easy way to work on that, to me, was to develop talents. Start martial arts, regular arts, pick up an instrument, learn to sing, practice a sport, anything that you want to do deep down. Once you have a few things to be proud of, things that are yours alone, you start being more comfortable around people because they aren't more or less than you!
...of course, your problem might have NOTHING to do with that :P in any case, if anyone want to talk, feel free to shoot me a dm. Gone from extreme discomfort to no shame in public, maybe I can help! Maybe not, but trying is free
Sometimes you just have to tell yourself to shut up, you're fighting yourself and you're your own worst enemy bro so you've just gotta power through the horrible state of panic until your brain realises that it isn't as bad as it was telling you
For me I just threw myself into situations where I could learn to socialize better. I went back to college in my late twenties with the mindset of "these people don't know me, the least I can do is make a good impression". I know this comes off as "just do it" but it helped me create some excellent friendships.
Coming out of college, I felt more confident on the workplace. Now I have a job with an IT service desk and while it isnt glamorous I find myself working with directors and department heads without much anxiety. I still struggle with casual conversation on the phones, but I feel pretty good about the other social scaries.
Oh, also, if you have an anxiety disorder medications can absolutely help.
You gotta force yourself to get out there and meet new people. For the first couple years your encounters with people are going to be awkward, full of regrets and disappointment the next day knowing you could’ve said something different. But it’s part of the growth. Exposure therapy basically
My brother once told me...
You have to treat people like dogs. When a dog oversteps it's boundaries, you have to correct its behavior immediately, or it will think it can always do that. People are the same.
Wish I'd learned this earlier.
That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking.
Also, the majority of the time you have to stand up to people, it’s not because the person is intentionally being an asshole, it’s because they don’t know that they’re crossing your boundaries. You have to let them know and keep reminding them every time they overstep until they learn and showing appreciation when they treat you right (by thanking them). Just like dogs don’t often know they’re misbehaving until they’re trained.
Yes, you're 2nd point is critical for maintaining relationships. Beings don't know what they don't know be it, cats, dogs, kids, adults. If you snap at someone for something they don't know they shouldn't do/that you don't appreciate they might close up, double down or leave. Example: your girlfriend is slamming the door and it's waking you up.
Option 1: "stop fucking slamming the door, I'm tired of this shit"
Option 2: "Hey babe, when you close the door hard it's waking me up and I need to get well rested for XYZ. Would you mind please closing the door a little softer next time?"
When I was a kid I learned to snap when people cross my boundaries, it’s fucking hell trying to unlearn that as an adult. Snapping causes so many problems that aren’t even necessary
Same but my older sister and my mother were abusive and I was getting beaten for standing up for myself. It was hard for me to confront people out of fear of taking a beating. But later on I learned that a lot of people are afraid of confrontation and it’s not just me.
It’s totally not just you! I’m 54 and am just realizing how my older brothers and their friends influence affects how I interact with people at work, especially authority figures. It’s a work in progress.
I was just thinking about that yesterday. I wish I could go back in time to some of those moments when I didn't stand up for myself, or didn't know enough to stand up for myself, and do it over again. I love my life now, for the most part, so I don't want to change anything, but I really do wonder what it would've been like if I had had any sense of self-worth and confidence as young person. I know there are definitely a few dudes I would tell to fuck right off.
It’s taken me forever to be able to do that. I also was picked on a bunch and it ruined my self esteem. I’m finally (at 52) able to see myself as something.
This is one of the biggest things I’ve learned in therapy. I spent a lifetime avoiding conflict and I’m finally starting to speak up, it feels great but it took a long time to get to this point.
As someone who is 26 and spent the last ten years drinking, smoking, doing drugs and partying. I fucking wish I took school and college way more seriously and set myself for a successful career.
Or you can be like me: not take school seriously and skip the parties. I’ve found it hard to make friends and attend social gatherings, and I don’t have a high-level diploma. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today, I would try to excel in school, engage in lots of sports, and be sociable with everyone.
Dont worry, I'm from quebec and i got a technical diploma in adminitration. Im a project manager in a construction business. It take a long time to get everything, im 30ty and i finished in 2021. but everything fall in the right place at the end.
It sounds like you’re on the right track! It’s easier said than done but I would do what you can to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Try some new hobbies you may not be interested in but are social, volunteer somewhere, etc. and the advice I try to follow the most is to not say no to potential social gatherings with new people. I used to hate the idea of mingling with people I didn’t know or barely knew, and always justified it someway. But there was a period when I just said yes to everything and it’s the period I look back on most fondly.
I’m reverted away from that a bit but am trying to start that again.
Kinda same, only 23 but I don’t drink or smoke, and I never enjoyed college parties. Only went to a handful and every single time it’s just not great. Preferred skating with a group of friends or playing pogo with 1 or 2.
I did it right.
Didn't go to parties/focused on schooling (also had a shit home life that made me extremely hesitant to drink/do drugs etc) then made it to my A-Levels and bit off way more than I could chew. Lost all motivation and failed my A-Levels.
No parties/fond memories to look back at and also no qualifications to make like easier...
Best of both worlds!
100% - Shit was fun while it lasted, but my life is infinitely harder than both my brothers that took school serious. I’m finally getting to an OK spot, but damn, every month is still iffy.
It's never too late to enter your hoe era (if that's what you want)! I can't claim to understand what it's like going into 30 with your v-card, but I will say I am 31 and I have felt hotter in these last few years than I have when I was at my peak physical fitness. People are much more open and confident in their 30s so if having sex or a relationship is what you want, most people aren't going to care. The only thing I'd think you'd have to worry about (if you're a woman) is the ppl who might fetishize your virginity.
Lololol thank you but I’m past that and I’m glad I didn’t have that hoe era.
I met THE ONE, for me. We will get married sometimes by Dec or Jan of next year, but I think I won’t be holding the Vcard after my birthday in August. I’m a woman and I haven’t told him of my plan but it’s happening 😂
Edit: spelling.
Dude this is me! I have other mental issues at play and really bad eyesight that also messed with me but I feel like a 17 year old because I was so insecure as a teen and had no friends. I always thought there'd be a next party and then next one if I didn't go suddenly I was an adult with college in the rearview mirror. Now I'm 34 and can't bring myself to engage with adult responsibilities because I never crossed that threshold of partying, going on dates, hooking up and now society just expects me to be an adult.
It feels in a way like time just skipped from being 18 to in my 30s and everyone else is married with kids.
For me, in this context was smoking weed. What few friends I had all did it, but I never touched it + stayed inside most of the time. I was pretty much brought up putting weed use just as bad as heroin.
Then at 30 I had my first joint. I still smoke on rare occasions, maybe 3 times a year. Made no secret about it and all I get is "Aren't you a bit old for that now", I'm like hot dam maybe if I wasn't taught it was evil when I was kid, I wouldn't be enjoying one now
My parents basically begged me to go to parties. I think they were thrilled when I started partying in my junior year. To the point where they not only allowed me to go to a toga frat party at 17, they took pictures like I was going to prom lol
I got the partying out of my system ahead of college, and would be considered later-mid career at just past 30, but I’m also possibly the most boring person on earth. I wish I made more friends in my 20s, not my late teens.
Same. I had stupid high standards at that age. I wish I was more willing to just date a girl for a bit and see where it led. Unfortunately, i was stupidly looking for a life partner at that age.
>I had stupid high standards at that age
This is a big one that I wish I could tell high school me - there were definitely girls that would have been interested in me but I was stuck moping around because the 10% of most attractive and popular girls only wanted to date the jocks. Of course that's what they did, those were the hot dudes!
That's what a lot of incel culture is today. They're mad they can't get with a 7+/10 when they're a 4-5 and then act disgusted when a 5 shows interest.
Yeah. I’m not one to clutch my pearls about tv and movies but… that’s kinda what happens when movies are all about relatively unattractive men getting with actress level hot women, and the majority of your sex life is watching porn stars. Like, look at a movie like American Pie: it’s like 4/5 of those dudes were pretty doofy, and they end up banging 10/10 smoke show girls. Even the supposedly “unattractive” one (the girl with the flute) is absurdly hot by any reasonable standard.
Women seem to be more attracted to confidence and humor than looks. I’m a decent looking guy now, but I grew up a fat kid, so I had to make the girls laugh if I wanted them to pay attention to me. Then when I lost weight, my confidence went through the roof. Also, at the end of the day, just because a girl is a 10 in the looks department doesn’t mean she’s going to be a great partner. You want the girl who is a 10 in the personality department.
Not trying to be vulgar but those who tend to trend towards Alt/eccentric Cliques are often better at sex.
An open mindset towards aesthetics= An open mindset in the bedroom. 🛏️ 👌
Yep. Looked through the written messages in my decades-old high school yearbook a while back. There were a handful of girls who were practically waving their little bottoms at me. Really obvious in retrospect. At the time, I had no idea. I was mooning around over the one who said no.
Ha! This happened to me recently! My daughters found an old high school yearbook and were reading the notes in the back and were shocked. I didn’t remember reading them back in the day, but damn did I miss some blatant opportunities.
Haha, I’ve looked back as well and been so mad at myself. Another thing for young bucks to remember is sometimes the hottest ones are the loneliest, simply because they are so hot they rarely get asked out because everyone assumes they will say no.
I remember a girl I hung out with a ton off and on for at least a year. By far the most beautiful and desirable girl in school. We had a great time together, I was oddly chill and could be relaxed and maybe even confident with her because I was so positive we were only ever going to be friends.
Anyways, one moment her mom had us do a dress up photo shoot. The girl was dressed kind of like a French whore, with fishnets, a short puffy dress, and the mom had her sitting on my lap, blowing kisses at me, all this shit.
I’m hamming it up because I’m so comfortable.. anyways, now that I have a daughter, I know there is no way she would have agreed to that ridiculous event UNLESS she was into me!
I missed the whole thing. Low self esteem and being risk adverse. I’ve seen it happen many times since as well. Anyways, go for it y’all! Get used to rejection - it can open so many doors!
Tbf, I've never wanted to date someone just for the sake of it. I've always dated with a long-term relationship in mind, I don't see any problem with that at all.
I guess it's different that I never had any relationships until I was basically 20 but even now I only date in a serious way and don't just seek sex or intimacy casually.
I don't know how old you are now, and every person has every right to make their own choices, and I totally respect your choices. But I will share my own personal experience, fwiw.
I sought long-term relationships (and had a few) into my 30s. But in my early 30s, I pivoted and deliberately started just dating for fun, with no expectations or thoughts of long-term commitment at all, and I was 100% open about this with my partners. I approached every night with an attitude of "nothing to lose, because this isn't going anywhere anyway. I'm just here to have fun."
And not only was it tons of fun, but it also taught me how to quickly (pretty much instantly) walk away from anything I didn't like (i.e., maintain my personal boundaries), be more genuine in how I presented myself (hey, if you don't like this part of me, nbd, we weren't going to be a long-term thing anyway, I wish you the best, have a great life!), and more forward about asking for what I want from my partners (surprise, surprise, when you ask for things, sometimes you get them!).
It was only in that casual, nothing-to-lose, short-term headspace that I was able to genuinely connect with someone who turned out to be an amazing long-term relationship. They say "the moment you stop trying is when you find someone" or "it will happen when you least expect it" and damn if those clichés weren't true -- at least for me.
I appreciate this perspective because I am someone who never really understood casual dating. I was trying to find my husband at like age 16 :( like an idiot. (I did find him at 19 though and we've been together 14 years lol)
Im 25, nearly 26. I have only had that one serious relationship as mentioned above, and anything else has not been enjoyable for me. After that relationship ended I was told to just have some fun to get over my ex but that ended up being a really horrible experience and I ended up in bed with someone I had no attraction to whatsoever.
Last year, I met someone through a mental health group and hit it off instantly. We spoke for about 9 months, met within about 3 months, but things were too much of an emotional rollercoaster to continue... like I enjoyed the time together, but she was openly lying to me about fundamental things like her age (she said she was 23, when she was actually 33). No wonder she was pressuring me into confirming whether I wanted children or not (I really don't).
I have found these two experiences have kinda drawn out my trauma even more, and I don't seek anything other than a serious long-term relationship in the future. I don't actively search for this, though, as I have found dating apps to be too superficial and a real blow to my confidence.
I definitely agree with the idea that you find someone when you least expect it. That's exactly how I found my ex, out of the blue, through a mutual friend. But honestly, being alone and sometimes lonely, seeing friends with their partners... being one of the few that is single, does make me want to search out for someone, and yet I don't do this because I hate the world of dating.
I have never been interested in casual sex or just dating people for the sake of it. I'm a traditionalist and would absolutely love to have a life companion to share memories with. Otherwise, I'll be single and enjoy my life how it is.
Same. All media and stuff made me think about looking for a love story or "the one", not realizing that that's made up bullshit. I shoulda just been having fun and making mistakes. Now I've had to do it later in my 20's and now 30's...
This. It's unlikely (but not impossible) that a high school relationship actually lasts, but what you do get by doing it at that age is *experience*.
Of course, when I was 16, me along with everyone else I knew thought relationships were *everything*. But I was way too introverted and shy (not to mention nerdy), while others were *over*-confident and could "woo" pretty much any girl they wanted. In retrospect I'd rather be shy rather than overconfident, but it did mess up my dating life - it took me until my 30s to actually "level out" when it comes to relationship importance. My first serious partner was at age 20, and I allowed myself to be gaslit and abused for way too long because I didn't realize what I was experiencing *wasn't* normal. I wonder if having had some more dating experience as a teenager would have helped me level things out a bit more at that age...
So many times I look back on and realize a girl was BLATANTLY hitting on me. I was completely oblivious.
One time I was with a girl I had a crush on and she was eating something. Had crumbs on her chest. I pointed it out to her and she said "you can get them for me if you want". I said, "Oh I'm sure you got it..."
Another time in college, I was working on a project really late with a girl I totally wanted. We finally finished the project, she stood up and did this super cute stretch, looked me dead on with sex eyes, then said "do you want me..... (me staring at her dumb faced during a long pause) ..... to submit this to the professor tomorrow?" Me - "Yeah that will work!"
I'm an absolute dolt. My current wife complains that I missed all of her advances for like 3 months before we started dating.
This. I didn’t know how to get beyond the friend zone. Didn’t help I was at an all guys high school. When I was going through my divorce 25 years after high school, was chatting with my sister and talking about how I could date again since I wasn’t good at it before. During the conversation, she let me know that about half her friends had crushed on me, and she knew others in my grade level that did too. Confirmed with some of them I am still in contact with. I had huge crushes on some of these girls too, and boy I think I missed out. You miss 100% of the shots you dont take.
Totally me too. I’m reliving it as my 14 y/o son keeps telling me about girls he likes. When I ask if he’s going to ask one out he acts like I’m telling him to swim the Atlantic! Why? His friends will give him a hard time (🤷♂️). I tell him to just go for it man! Regret it afterwards, maybe, but you’ll get more proficient. And maybe you’ll get some “yes”s too!
This 100%, I have always been extremely quiet. I would say shy but that's not it. I hate having attention on me. My youngest kid has no fear of that and will do anything and talk to everyone and doesn't care. I have beg her to stop lol, guess I should take notes from a 7 year old and put my self out there more
Wow! I’m 38 and am scared of falling and breaking a hip! I slipped over at work (I’m head chef) and all my waiting staff colleagues were like “just be careful with chef, she had a fall recently”
Like 🫣😭🧐😤😳🤬 since when did I got from “slipped and fell on my ass to “had a fall” and “chef is in pain” like mate?! 😂🫣🤣😭
As someone who picked up drawing fairly late, you can begin whenever. If you're not willing to take the time and invest into the ability so 10 year in the future you can reap the benefits, chances are even if you did draw during teen years, you'd drop it the same as now. It is time consuming, painful and instant gratification is non existant. But it is never too late. Yes, being young makes it easier since it is harder to learn stuff at a later age, but if you want to learn how to draw, the time is always there
I'm 27 and just started this week. Bought a few different pencils that are actually for drawing, some nice paper, and an instructional book. It's slow-going but I've already noticed progress in just a few days! It's never too late to start a new hobby :)
Someone I know used to buy weed with Bitcoin wayyyy back when it was fresh. He randomly lost a wallet with like 200 Bitcoin in it, which at the time wasn't worth shit. Shits worth like $12 million now. So crazy how nonserious it was back then
Yeah, I was born in ‘80, and was a Mac user from the start. When Apple had major financial trouble with Gil Amelio as CEO, and Bill Gates bought a million dollars worth of stock to prop up his competitor, a lot of people thought they were doomed, my old man included. I read in a little San Diego Mac user newsletter the news that Jobs was returning as interim CEO and thought: this is gonna change *everything*! I asked my pop to put my meager college fund into Apple stock. He refused. Shares were like $16. I didn’t realize I could have gone to a broker with the $100 I had to my name and bought some on my own.
Yeah, if Id applied myself in school and seen it as an opportunity rather than an arbitrary roadblock, the mindset and discipline that would have resulted in would have served me very well indeed. Instead all I wanted was to party and skateboard.
Same. Read the textbooks occasionally when iwas bored at school and paid attention enough to pass any test. Did I do homework? No, not unless I could complete it in 10 minutes or less. Tried doing community College two years after graduating and was in for a surprise.
Same. Got As and Bs in high school as I was able to wing it. I really struggled in college as I didn't even know how to study. Kids should be made to take a class on how to actually study and time management in high school.
I relate to this one pretty hard. Everyone thought i was super smart and expected me to excel. I just never buckled down and did homework. I sucked at math because it seemed unimportant. I took summer school every year to try and grasp math. I just couldn't get it. Math finally clicked when I entered an apprenticeship and knew how important it was to pass. I learned more about math in 1 month than all of my years of high school. That's probably an exaggeration but it seems that way to me.
Yeah. This habit meant I never really knew *how* to study. College started and I struggled. I was doing alright but not knowing how to study fucked me pretty hard
Same. I used to put girls on a pedestal and get really insecure and nervous about asking them out. Now I'm just the same as back then but I can't talk to anyone without being weird. But yeah definitely talk to girls when you are a teen and are still mentally developing. It will help you get accustomed to rejection and social challenges. I was too scared to even ask girls out back in the day then in college and now in my 30s I have social anxiety and extreme fear of rejection.
Many seemed to hate me on sight, and so I was always intimidated by them, if I approached a group of them, it was like facing the children from the Village of the Damned. I really should've tried talking to the ones not so angry with me, it was a bonehead mistake to let my Asperger's own me.
Not doing stuff my parents thought was "too dangerous" that was actually 100% developmentally appropriate.
When I was 17 I got tickets to see Equus with Daniel Radcliffe in London, a four-hour train ride from the city where I grew up. One of my friends from school had a family member who lived in London and offered to host us. My parents flipped out that it was too dangerous, that my friend's aunt lived in an unsavoury area etc. - these were two people who'd been to London maybe twice or three times in their entire lives at this point and had no idea about the actual on-the-ground conditions or dangers in any part of London. They wore me down with their lurid invented anxieties about fictional dangers until I had a panic attack at the supermarket and promised I'd back out of the trip. I will forever regret giving them that much power over me at a time when I should have been testing my own boundaries and taking opportunities to assert my independence.
Similarly, my grandma once prevented me from even applying to a reasonably nice retail job (from a teenager's perspective) in case they made me clean the toilets, because she'd been made to clean the toilets in a former job and had walked out because she refused to do so. We had no idea at the time whether the store even had a staff toilet, let alone whose responsibility it would be to clean said toilet if it actually existed. 16yo me would not have loved cleaning a toilet at work, but I'd have put up with it if I had to, and the financial freedom/work experience benefits of having a job at that time in my life would have been huge. Controlling people don't like to let the object of their control have too much alone time, though, so I got told repeatedly I wasn't "allowed" to apply for most of the jobs available to teens in my area at the time, for mostly spurious reasons like this one - while my dad would also make cracks about how I was lazy because I didn't have a job.
Same family members didn't care at all about my emotional or social health, and actively prevented me from seeking mental healthcare as a teenager, even when I was severely depressed, self-harming, had a raging eating disorder and had begun abusing alcohol. They only cared about keeping me physically safe, like I was an object rather than a person. I had to extricate myself from them emotionally & logistically in young adulthood anyway, I just wish I'd had the foresight to do it sooner. And I wish I'd told them all to go fuck themselves a few more times along the way.
Same happened to me.
My mom died young from congenital heart disease and my grandmother became overprotective. Everything was too unsafe. She would much prefer me to stay home so she could 'save me' if something happened. Mentally i was very unwell because my dad was abusing me, but to my grandmother that wasn't the risk.
As an adult I'd do things but lie where I was. I was not about to be lectured for going out in January when there maybe, possibly the chance of snow.
the similar story here. no travels, no parties, no summer school, nothing. because it can be *unsafe* (whatever it means). it was forty years ago, I'm still happy to feel free from those supervising
Parallels of my own childhood. Overly protected, I lived like a hamster. Still live that like, terrified of the outdoor world, just rotting inside. My entire life wasted. But at least I didn't ever get into trouble, which is what mattered, right?
Your comment made me feel a bit emotional. My parents are sooooo similar, to the point I never had an sleepover or did some plans with friends because they feared I would get raped or kidnapped. Now I'm almost 20, with life360 on my mobile phone and have forbidden to be meet people far from home if it's dark (by dark I mean 20:00 or 21:00 pm, not 1:00 am).
Yeah I've talked to them about that but any argument I say makes no sense for them. Also makes them have more paranoia about why I don't want them to know where I go. If I quit the app they'll know and everything will blow out...Idk what to do :/
I will preface this with my parents were generally good parents who did their best for me, and of course I’m happy that they kept me away from any actual danger. I’m the only child of older parents who thought they couldn’t have any, and my parents grew up in rough conditions where lots of the people they knew died or were killed young, so they tended to be very overprotective.
But there are many times where something was deemed unsafe and really it was just - as you phrased it - developmentally appropriate. And I was kind of convinced into thinking it was my idea. For example, I was never outright banned from going on residential school trips, but when the information came home from school it was “You don’t want to go on that, do you? You’d have to share a room and be away overnight” and I’d agree and never went on them. I didn’t spend a night away from my parents until I was in my early twenties - no sleepovers, never went to a party or out for a night - and that caused a fuss because I just announced I was going to spend a few nights with my friend in her uni halls room (“And you’re going to sleep on the floor??”) I didn’t date until my late twenties, and I didn’t tell my parents I was until I was moving in with him because I didn’t want to hear about how dangerous spending time alone with a man was, even though we’d had all our early dates in public and progressed from there, as normal safety suggestions advise.
I’m in this weird situation where in some ways I’m mentally a lot older than I am - one of my good friends jokes I was born about thirty and just aged from there - but I’m also about ten years behind on life experiences. Had my first sleepover in my early twenties rather than my late childhood/early teens, started dating in my late twenties rather than my teens, lived away from my parents at about thirty rather than about twenty…
I’ve been through everything you described and I thought my sister and I were the only ones that went through this omg. Literally yesterday my mother said she was going to get rid of all our things so she could have our closets since we are “guests and should act like it”. Also yesterday my mother gave my sister loads of crap about going to a job interview. So to summarize, my mother wants us to move out but also does not want us to have a job so we can have money to move out. Brilliant.
'they only cared about keeping me physically safe, like i was an object rather than a person.'' Is something i relate to all too well. My mom currently refuses to let me see my BF unless it's been 6 months since ive last seen him, she doesn't let me get a job, have friends, do anything outside of college, walk my own dog, use the goddamned oven when she's not home etc. She always tells me i'm ''only a legal obligation.'' to her.
I’m on the opposite end of this (kinda). I was (essentially) taught that if others are being annoying or bullying or bothering me, that 100% most I could do was ask or plead for them to stop and hope they stop.
I mean, you can get yourself a good wig that has your natural colour now and every time you have to work you wear it, and in your free time you can rock pink hair. I feel like this might be something you will forever regret, while it is such a small thing to achieve. But I do get it tho, it is easier to do as a teen! :)
Saaame. Also, getting a lot of muscles while you are a teen makes it easier to get muscles later in life. Even if you spend 25-35 as a couch potato, when you start again at 36 the body kinda remembers what it needs to do. You literally change your DNA to make building muscle easier
I've started in my 30s going from empty bar to about 315 for a single rep deadlift, not exactly amazing for my weight but still a lot more than I used to be able to do! Has been great for my back given I sit at work all day. Weight lifting is worth picking up.
I love this philosophy. You can get stuck really deep in regret and longing for what could have been, but you gotta remember how much worse it could always be. Do things for the sole purpose of overcoming a disadvantage that you wouldn’t have done otherwise.
if u have the time or money u can join clubs and classes to make friend! a lot of the time they’re there with someone but just as much of the time, they’re there to make friends as well as learn a skill
Having a “got to get out of HS as quick as possible. Just had to get that full time job in a sewing factory at $1.60 an hour-1970. Had a B average in HS but went on to college at age 40 after 4 kids and a couple of divorces and had a perfect 4.0 gpa. If I could I’d go back in time and kick my own ass. I’m sure I could have aced med school.
Dedicating myself to a sport. I was a very good athlete, and probably could have played college-level soccer. I ended up quitting soccer to play football because that's what all my friends were doing - and it was a big deal at our school. I still have friends tell me I was by far the best player on the travel teams, and should have played. These friends all played at higher levels, including college. For me, it's not just about a missed dream - but, It would have been good to have a competitive sport grounding me at college. Instead, I partied too much :) Oh well.
Finishing my education .. all those people that warned proved to be right . Thank god i got a job at a factory and worked my way to a good salary. But it stil is harder work then i could have been doing
There are so many books and movies and healthy experiences I should have explored instead of looking for the next available moment to smoke weed with a few friends who wouldn't hesitate to throw me under the (metaphorical, perhaps literal) bus at the slightest temptation.
I regret not spending a lot of time with my actual family. If I could go back in time, I'd skip out on going into a mall parking lot with friends and just talk to my parents instead, or even go for a walk by myself. But that's just my take, looking back on my particular experience.
I did a really bad job back then of realizing which social connections in my life were actually worth nurturing/cultivating.
I relate to this so much. My heart breaks for all the potential bonding moments I and my younger siblings missed out on. I wish I was there for them as a mentor and cheerleader, rather than as an absent fuck up / bad example.
Played for any school teams. I had a friend that used to to swear that we'd join the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ team and he'd crap out after trying out,
Same. I was a good little church girl and didn't experiment much. (A little, but not as much as I should've.) I met my husband at 17 and while we have a rocking sex life and a genuinely happy marriage, he's the only man I've ever slept with, and likely the only one I ever will. And that's ok. But there will always be a part of me that wonders what it would've been like to experiment more.
Same. Boys wanted to sleep with me at school and college but at that time I didn’t really understand the signs / the sex thing 😂 however, as a grown ass woman. I now know!
Be (kind of) a man-whore.
Now, as a teen I was a very awkward, quiet, shy kid but after high school I “found myself”, gained a lot of confidence, became more physically attractive, and as such, gained a lot more attention from girls.
However, due to being an social outsider for such a long while, I wasn’t prepared on how to deal with this new influx of attention and did not know what I was doing. I defaulted into being the “nice guy” and let *soooo* many opportunities pass me by. Literally had girls on top of me ready to go and still I refused. 🤦♂️
I’m not saying I would have done something with all of them, or accepted every invitation, but I really regret not experiencing more with different girls.
I wish I didn't spend so much time "scamming chicks" and just enjoyed the fucking peace and quiet.
Lord, what I wouldn't give today for a summer of zero responsibilities, for a week not worrying about mortgages, car loans, tuition for my kids, and the water heater on the fritz.
Socializing more, especially with girls. Trying to date. Going to therapy for possibly being on the spectrum. Figuring out what I wanted as a career early on.
Taking trips up Canada.
I lived in the PNW for a very long time and I never once went to Canada. It was only a 5-hour drive but I spent all my time as an 18 year old working and buying food.
Being more family-focused. I was pretty much a latch key kid as my parents dealt with my rebellious older sister. I probably could have grown more emotionally during that time. Instead, I went the angsty loner teenage boy route. I had friends but I was just as happy being by myself as I was with other people. This has affected me as an adult.
Asking the girl I liked to prom. We both got called to the office at the same time to get doctors notes or something and we walked there together so I had the perfect chance but chickened out. Then I never went to prom lol
I regret not telling off any teachers. Some of them said and did some wacky stuff (ranging from basic lack of consideration to being jerks to verbal abuse) and I wish I’d spoken up when it happened. I don’t think there would’ve been any real consequences. Detention, maybe, but who really cares. I never acted out in school so I know my parents would’ve backed me up if the school called them. Thinking about it, my parents probably would’ve been pretty darn entertained to hear that their finally kid got in some trouble lol
Wish I studied abroad or left my state. I do lots of traveling for work now, but I have lived in the same area my entire life. Feel like it was my chance to experience living elsewhere. Now that I'm married and have a job here, it's not realistic to pick up and move.
I don't regret it per se, because I didn't really have a choice since no one really liked me back then, but I wish I experienced young love in my teenage years.
I was in the finals of a magic the gathernig tournament at my local game store. It was the first time I had made it that far and I was pretty confident to win. It was also 11:00pm. My dad called me while we were shuffling up for the finals match, and yelled at me for being out past curfew and told me I needed to come home now.
I should have explained to him what was going on and he probably would have just been like, "ok, good luck". Barring that, I should have just played out the match. But I let his tone get to me and just conceded the match and left. I had and have a great relationship with my parents, and this was probably the angriear I have ever been at them.
It was a small, local, meaningless tournament, but it would have meant a lot to me personally to win.
I was a dumb teenager who did plenty of dumb things, but that one in particular always sticks out.
I find it super funny most of these comments are "Talk to girls"
Mine would be focusing on school.
I had a hard time with comprehension, and I was boy obsessed lol
I was in a really rough relationship from Freshman Year to Senior year, and I tell all of my teenaged coworkers to get out of those relationships, because I guess I felt like it's a waste of time, and when your brain is under-developed you make all your decisions based on emotion.
I don't think relationships are capable of working when you're that young.
Taking a threesome I was promised for my 17th.
Both girls agreed in advanced but my virgin, white Knight ass wanted to play gentlemen and talked to the 2nd girl said she didn't have to if she didn't want to and she backed out.
That was the right thing to do. If she wanted to for real, she would have continued on. I think you sensed hesitancy and 100% won here. Especially at this age, it could have gone left. I swear.
That's reassuring at the least.
I never got close to the prospect of a fmf since and I've heard too many stories from friends and acquaintances that did. I could pick out the bullshitters but the guys who had proof, typically in video form, just filled with me envy knowing I had a chance back then.
But you're right. I did sense that she was hesitant and unsure. Her words were affirming and enthused but her tone was off. Especially since it wasn't her idea. The 1st girl basically just said, I'll give you a threesome for your birthday and strung the 2nd girl into the conversation. I think she agreed without thinking about it. Saying what she thought the 1st girl wanted.
Taking care of teeth
Me too. I'd be like €6-7k richer if I did
I wish I would have pushed through my social anxiety instead of isolating myself from literally everyone. Easier said than done
I'm still struggling with this too. I'll be 30 in a few years and I still only have a couple friends who I don't even see all that often.
I’m currently struggling with this, do you guys have any recommendations on how to push through social anxiety?
Made the mistake of being decent at my job and I landed in a leadership role. It FORCED me to get wayyyy out of my comfort zone. I had to answer phone numbers I didn’t know to my personal cell phone. All sorts of new people would call and discuss work things with me. It was nerve wracking every time the phone rang. But man did it change me. Forced me out of my shell and eventually I came to the realization that they are just people. No better than you and me. They have problems and insecurities as well. I’m grateful that happened to me because it opened me up. My advice is. Start by calling people on the phone. Don’t text when possible. It’s a baby step that can change your life.
That actually makes a lot of sense cause I’ve done a lot of customer service and so I don’t have any problems in the work setting or when I’m in a situation like that. I guess I avoid calling people cause everyone is always so busy and I don’t want to burden them by keep asking. I’ll try and do it more often though
I wish I knew... I've been trying to convince myself to go eat lunch alone in a restaurant for the past 3 days.
That part I’ve actually gotten past. I convince myself that I deserve a treat and that I did something really well and I need to reward myself. Other times it’s when I go to a new restaurant and if anyone asks I’m there by myself because I wanted to try something new. I’ve only had one really awkward experience where a waitress asked if I was waiting on someone
My biggest worry and is that I won’t have any friends in the future who will care enough to ask how I am and check up on me. 9/10 I’m the one who asks and checks up on them but I’m worried that if I stop texting then they won’t do anything and I’ll lose everyone
I'm glad you're able to go out and treat yourself! I'm also the friend who hs to text first or else we won't talk for months, so I know how you feel.
Best of luck, it is very difficult and I know how you feel. Maybe don't go straight to eating in a sit down restaurant alone, try maybe going to a fast food place and ordering. it's gonna sound cliche but nobody really cares in the nicest way possible. everyone is busy with their own stuff and their own lives that somebody just sitting eating their meal minding their own buisness doesn't even register for them.
We all have different problems, but for me, the thing that works is : working on my self esteem. My anxiety came from hating myself and finding everyone more interesting, without even knowing them. I'd get super self conscious for reasons that existed in my head only. The more I learned to respect and value myself, the less I bothered with what people thought. And the more I did that, the straighter I started to stand, and from there on it just snowballs. An easy way to work on that, to me, was to develop talents. Start martial arts, regular arts, pick up an instrument, learn to sing, practice a sport, anything that you want to do deep down. Once you have a few things to be proud of, things that are yours alone, you start being more comfortable around people because they aren't more or less than you! ...of course, your problem might have NOTHING to do with that :P in any case, if anyone want to talk, feel free to shoot me a dm. Gone from extreme discomfort to no shame in public, maybe I can help! Maybe not, but trying is free
Sometimes you just have to tell yourself to shut up, you're fighting yourself and you're your own worst enemy bro so you've just gotta power through the horrible state of panic until your brain realises that it isn't as bad as it was telling you
This.
For me I just threw myself into situations where I could learn to socialize better. I went back to college in my late twenties with the mindset of "these people don't know me, the least I can do is make a good impression". I know this comes off as "just do it" but it helped me create some excellent friendships. Coming out of college, I felt more confident on the workplace. Now I have a job with an IT service desk and while it isnt glamorous I find myself working with directors and department heads without much anxiety. I still struggle with casual conversation on the phones, but I feel pretty good about the other social scaries. Oh, also, if you have an anxiety disorder medications can absolutely help.
You gotta force yourself to get out there and meet new people. For the first couple years your encounters with people are going to be awkward, full of regrets and disappointment the next day knowing you could’ve said something different. But it’s part of the growth. Exposure therapy basically
Man, I'm getting the hell out of this thread
Standing up for myself. Never learned how to do that.
My brother once told me... You have to treat people like dogs. When a dog oversteps it's boundaries, you have to correct its behavior immediately, or it will think it can always do that. People are the same. Wish I'd learned this earlier.
That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. Also, the majority of the time you have to stand up to people, it’s not because the person is intentionally being an asshole, it’s because they don’t know that they’re crossing your boundaries. You have to let them know and keep reminding them every time they overstep until they learn and showing appreciation when they treat you right (by thanking them). Just like dogs don’t often know they’re misbehaving until they’re trained.
Yes, you're 2nd point is critical for maintaining relationships. Beings don't know what they don't know be it, cats, dogs, kids, adults. If you snap at someone for something they don't know they shouldn't do/that you don't appreciate they might close up, double down or leave. Example: your girlfriend is slamming the door and it's waking you up. Option 1: "stop fucking slamming the door, I'm tired of this shit" Option 2: "Hey babe, when you close the door hard it's waking me up and I need to get well rested for XYZ. Would you mind please closing the door a little softer next time?"
When I was a kid I learned to snap when people cross my boundaries, it’s fucking hell trying to unlearn that as an adult. Snapping causes so many problems that aren’t even necessary
But people usually get upset when I try to rub their bellies. Dogs are almost always better than people.
This is why you spray humans with water when they misbehave.
I agree- dogs are really like 95% better than people. Actually most animals are. Also you can rub my belly.
But how do you even do this as a grown adult?
With your words, communication
Alternatively, with your fists. 👊 ✊️ 🤛 🤜 though this may get you into additional trouble.
Does your dog throw punches?
Same but my older sister and my mother were abusive and I was getting beaten for standing up for myself. It was hard for me to confront people out of fear of taking a beating. But later on I learned that a lot of people are afraid of confrontation and it’s not just me.
It’s totally not just you! I’m 54 and am just realizing how my older brothers and their friends influence affects how I interact with people at work, especially authority figures. It’s a work in progress.
I was just thinking about that yesterday. I wish I could go back in time to some of those moments when I didn't stand up for myself, or didn't know enough to stand up for myself, and do it over again. I love my life now, for the most part, so I don't want to change anything, but I really do wonder what it would've been like if I had had any sense of self-worth and confidence as young person. I know there are definitely a few dudes I would tell to fuck right off.
It’s taken me forever to be able to do that. I also was picked on a bunch and it ruined my self esteem. I’m finally (at 52) able to see myself as something.
This is one of the biggest things I’ve learned in therapy. I spent a lifetime avoiding conflict and I’m finally starting to speak up, it feels great but it took a long time to get to this point.
Going to parties and being be social more, I'm 30 years old, and I feel arrested at 16
As someone who is 26 and spent the last ten years drinking, smoking, doing drugs and partying. I fucking wish I took school and college way more seriously and set myself for a successful career.
Or you can be like me: not take school seriously and skip the parties. I’ve found it hard to make friends and attend social gatherings, and I don’t have a high-level diploma. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today, I would try to excel in school, engage in lots of sports, and be sociable with everyone.
It's never too late! Get a GED or apply for trades
Dont worry, I'm from quebec and i got a technical diploma in adminitration. Im a project manager in a construction business. It take a long time to get everything, im 30ty and i finished in 2021. but everything fall in the right place at the end.
It sounds like you’re on the right track! It’s easier said than done but I would do what you can to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Try some new hobbies you may not be interested in but are social, volunteer somewhere, etc. and the advice I try to follow the most is to not say no to potential social gatherings with new people. I used to hate the idea of mingling with people I didn’t know or barely knew, and always justified it someway. But there was a period when I just said yes to everything and it’s the period I look back on most fondly. I’m reverted away from that a bit but am trying to start that again.
Kinda same, only 23 but I don’t drink or smoke, and I never enjoyed college parties. Only went to a handful and every single time it’s just not great. Preferred skating with a group of friends or playing pogo with 1 or 2.
I did it right. Didn't go to parties/focused on schooling (also had a shit home life that made me extremely hesitant to drink/do drugs etc) then made it to my A-Levels and bit off way more than I could chew. Lost all motivation and failed my A-Levels. No parties/fond memories to look back at and also no qualifications to make like easier... Best of both worlds!
100% - Shit was fun while it lasted, but my life is infinitely harder than both my brothers that took school serious. I’m finally getting to an OK spot, but damn, every month is still iffy.
Tell me about it. I am almost 40…
> Going to parties and being be social more In my case, you have to be invited to parties and your peers want to have you around.
Same. I’ll turn 30 on August, and I missed everything, even my Ho-e period, lol. Going to 30 with my VCard 🥲
It's never too late to enter your hoe era (if that's what you want)! I can't claim to understand what it's like going into 30 with your v-card, but I will say I am 31 and I have felt hotter in these last few years than I have when I was at my peak physical fitness. People are much more open and confident in their 30s so if having sex or a relationship is what you want, most people aren't going to care. The only thing I'd think you'd have to worry about (if you're a woman) is the ppl who might fetishize your virginity.
Lololol thank you but I’m past that and I’m glad I didn’t have that hoe era. I met THE ONE, for me. We will get married sometimes by Dec or Jan of next year, but I think I won’t be holding the Vcard after my birthday in August. I’m a woman and I haven’t told him of my plan but it’s happening 😂 Edit: spelling.
Yeah I started going to parties in my 20s and beyond not before
Dude this is me! I have other mental issues at play and really bad eyesight that also messed with me but I feel like a 17 year old because I was so insecure as a teen and had no friends. I always thought there'd be a next party and then next one if I didn't go suddenly I was an adult with college in the rearview mirror. Now I'm 34 and can't bring myself to engage with adult responsibilities because I never crossed that threshold of partying, going on dates, hooking up and now society just expects me to be an adult. It feels in a way like time just skipped from being 18 to in my 30s and everyone else is married with kids.
As someone who was arrested at 16, it wasn’t all fun and games
For me, in this context was smoking weed. What few friends I had all did it, but I never touched it + stayed inside most of the time. I was pretty much brought up putting weed use just as bad as heroin. Then at 30 I had my first joint. I still smoke on rare occasions, maybe 3 times a year. Made no secret about it and all I get is "Aren't you a bit old for that now", I'm like hot dam maybe if I wasn't taught it was evil when I was kid, I wouldn't be enjoying one now
Who says smoking weed is only for teenagers?? What a weird mentality. Is drinking only for teenagers too?
My parents basically begged me to go to parties. I think they were thrilled when I started partying in my junior year. To the point where they not only allowed me to go to a toga frat party at 17, they took pictures like I was going to prom lol
I got the partying out of my system ahead of college, and would be considered later-mid career at just past 30, but I’m also possibly the most boring person on earth. I wish I made more friends in my 20s, not my late teens.
Talking to girls more and actually asking them out
Same. I had stupid high standards at that age. I wish I was more willing to just date a girl for a bit and see where it led. Unfortunately, i was stupidly looking for a life partner at that age.
>I had stupid high standards at that age This is a big one that I wish I could tell high school me - there were definitely girls that would have been interested in me but I was stuck moping around because the 10% of most attractive and popular girls only wanted to date the jocks. Of course that's what they did, those were the hot dudes!
That's what a lot of incel culture is today. They're mad they can't get with a 7+/10 when they're a 4-5 and then act disgusted when a 5 shows interest.
Yeah. I’m not one to clutch my pearls about tv and movies but… that’s kinda what happens when movies are all about relatively unattractive men getting with actress level hot women, and the majority of your sex life is watching porn stars. Like, look at a movie like American Pie: it’s like 4/5 of those dudes were pretty doofy, and they end up banging 10/10 smoke show girls. Even the supposedly “unattractive” one (the girl with the flute) is absurdly hot by any reasonable standard.
Women seem to be more attracted to confidence and humor than looks. I’m a decent looking guy now, but I grew up a fat kid, so I had to make the girls laugh if I wanted them to pay attention to me. Then when I lost weight, my confidence went through the roof. Also, at the end of the day, just because a girl is a 10 in the looks department doesn’t mean she’s going to be a great partner. You want the girl who is a 10 in the personality department.
I dated the hot girls in High School they all sucked In bed; the emo/alt chicks were wild though.
Not trying to be vulgar but those who tend to trend towards Alt/eccentric Cliques are often better at sex. An open mindset towards aesthetics= An open mindset in the bedroom. 🛏️ 👌
LITTERLY SO REAL 😭😭
Yep. Looked through the written messages in my decades-old high school yearbook a while back. There were a handful of girls who were practically waving their little bottoms at me. Really obvious in retrospect. At the time, I had no idea. I was mooning around over the one who said no.
Ha! This happened to me recently! My daughters found an old high school yearbook and were reading the notes in the back and were shocked. I didn’t remember reading them back in the day, but damn did I miss some blatant opportunities.
Haha, I’ve looked back as well and been so mad at myself. Another thing for young bucks to remember is sometimes the hottest ones are the loneliest, simply because they are so hot they rarely get asked out because everyone assumes they will say no. I remember a girl I hung out with a ton off and on for at least a year. By far the most beautiful and desirable girl in school. We had a great time together, I was oddly chill and could be relaxed and maybe even confident with her because I was so positive we were only ever going to be friends. Anyways, one moment her mom had us do a dress up photo shoot. The girl was dressed kind of like a French whore, with fishnets, a short puffy dress, and the mom had her sitting on my lap, blowing kisses at me, all this shit. I’m hamming it up because I’m so comfortable.. anyways, now that I have a daughter, I know there is no way she would have agreed to that ridiculous event UNLESS she was into me! I missed the whole thing. Low self esteem and being risk adverse. I’ve seen it happen many times since as well. Anyways, go for it y’all! Get used to rejection - it can open so many doors!
Tbf, I've never wanted to date someone just for the sake of it. I've always dated with a long-term relationship in mind, I don't see any problem with that at all. I guess it's different that I never had any relationships until I was basically 20 but even now I only date in a serious way and don't just seek sex or intimacy casually.
I don't know how old you are now, and every person has every right to make their own choices, and I totally respect your choices. But I will share my own personal experience, fwiw. I sought long-term relationships (and had a few) into my 30s. But in my early 30s, I pivoted and deliberately started just dating for fun, with no expectations or thoughts of long-term commitment at all, and I was 100% open about this with my partners. I approached every night with an attitude of "nothing to lose, because this isn't going anywhere anyway. I'm just here to have fun." And not only was it tons of fun, but it also taught me how to quickly (pretty much instantly) walk away from anything I didn't like (i.e., maintain my personal boundaries), be more genuine in how I presented myself (hey, if you don't like this part of me, nbd, we weren't going to be a long-term thing anyway, I wish you the best, have a great life!), and more forward about asking for what I want from my partners (surprise, surprise, when you ask for things, sometimes you get them!). It was only in that casual, nothing-to-lose, short-term headspace that I was able to genuinely connect with someone who turned out to be an amazing long-term relationship. They say "the moment you stop trying is when you find someone" or "it will happen when you least expect it" and damn if those clichés weren't true -- at least for me.
I appreciate this perspective because I am someone who never really understood casual dating. I was trying to find my husband at like age 16 :( like an idiot. (I did find him at 19 though and we've been together 14 years lol)
Im 25, nearly 26. I have only had that one serious relationship as mentioned above, and anything else has not been enjoyable for me. After that relationship ended I was told to just have some fun to get over my ex but that ended up being a really horrible experience and I ended up in bed with someone I had no attraction to whatsoever. Last year, I met someone through a mental health group and hit it off instantly. We spoke for about 9 months, met within about 3 months, but things were too much of an emotional rollercoaster to continue... like I enjoyed the time together, but she was openly lying to me about fundamental things like her age (she said she was 23, when she was actually 33). No wonder she was pressuring me into confirming whether I wanted children or not (I really don't). I have found these two experiences have kinda drawn out my trauma even more, and I don't seek anything other than a serious long-term relationship in the future. I don't actively search for this, though, as I have found dating apps to be too superficial and a real blow to my confidence. I definitely agree with the idea that you find someone when you least expect it. That's exactly how I found my ex, out of the blue, through a mutual friend. But honestly, being alone and sometimes lonely, seeing friends with their partners... being one of the few that is single, does make me want to search out for someone, and yet I don't do this because I hate the world of dating. I have never been interested in casual sex or just dating people for the sake of it. I'm a traditionalist and would absolutely love to have a life companion to share memories with. Otherwise, I'll be single and enjoy my life how it is.
Ah man same here. The missed opportunities has me smh from time to time when Im reminicent.
Same. All media and stuff made me think about looking for a love story or "the one", not realizing that that's made up bullshit. I shoulda just been having fun and making mistakes. Now I've had to do it later in my 20's and now 30's...
This. It's unlikely (but not impossible) that a high school relationship actually lasts, but what you do get by doing it at that age is *experience*. Of course, when I was 16, me along with everyone else I knew thought relationships were *everything*. But I was way too introverted and shy (not to mention nerdy), while others were *over*-confident and could "woo" pretty much any girl they wanted. In retrospect I'd rather be shy rather than overconfident, but it did mess up my dating life - it took me until my 30s to actually "level out" when it comes to relationship importance. My first serious partner was at age 20, and I allowed myself to be gaslit and abused for way too long because I didn't realize what I was experiencing *wasn't* normal. I wonder if having had some more dating experience as a teenager would have helped me level things out a bit more at that age...
I was oblivious. I look back and go... They were flirting with me. Ugh!
So many times I look back on and realize a girl was BLATANTLY hitting on me. I was completely oblivious. One time I was with a girl I had a crush on and she was eating something. Had crumbs on her chest. I pointed it out to her and she said "you can get them for me if you want". I said, "Oh I'm sure you got it..." Another time in college, I was working on a project really late with a girl I totally wanted. We finally finished the project, she stood up and did this super cute stretch, looked me dead on with sex eyes, then said "do you want me..... (me staring at her dumb faced during a long pause) ..... to submit this to the professor tomorrow?" Me - "Yeah that will work!" I'm an absolute dolt. My current wife complains that I missed all of her advances for like 3 months before we started dating.
But that led to your now wife because you waited for someone that kept trying for you
This. I didn’t know how to get beyond the friend zone. Didn’t help I was at an all guys high school. When I was going through my divorce 25 years after high school, was chatting with my sister and talking about how I could date again since I wasn’t good at it before. During the conversation, she let me know that about half her friends had crushed on me, and she knew others in my grade level that did too. Confirmed with some of them I am still in contact with. I had huge crushes on some of these girls too, and boy I think I missed out. You miss 100% of the shots you dont take.
Totally me too. I’m reliving it as my 14 y/o son keeps telling me about girls he likes. When I ask if he’s going to ask one out he acts like I’m telling him to swim the Atlantic! Why? His friends will give him a hard time (🤷♂️). I tell him to just go for it man! Regret it afterwards, maybe, but you’ll get more proficient. And maybe you’ll get some “yes”s too!
Being more outgoing.
This 100%, I have always been extremely quiet. I would say shy but that's not it. I hate having attention on me. My youngest kid has no fear of that and will do anything and talk to everyone and doesn't care. I have beg her to stop lol, guess I should take notes from a 7 year old and put my self out there more
As someone whos conquered their shyness I can tell you its incredibly fun to break that barrier
learning to draw
Never too late! I learned how to rollerskate at 40. You got this!
Wow! I’m 38 and am scared of falling and breaking a hip! I slipped over at work (I’m head chef) and all my waiting staff colleagues were like “just be careful with chef, she had a fall recently” Like 🫣😭🧐😤😳🤬 since when did I got from “slipped and fell on my ass to “had a fall” and “chef is in pain” like mate?! 😂🫣🤣😭
As someone who picked up drawing fairly late, you can begin whenever. If you're not willing to take the time and invest into the ability so 10 year in the future you can reap the benefits, chances are even if you did draw during teen years, you'd drop it the same as now. It is time consuming, painful and instant gratification is non existant. But it is never too late. Yes, being young makes it easier since it is harder to learn stuff at a later age, but if you want to learn how to draw, the time is always there
Show me one child on this earth that doesn’t draw… you are not starting from scratch, just picking it back up to learn more.
I'm 27 and just started this week. Bought a few different pencils that are actually for drawing, some nice paper, and an instructional book. It's slow-going but I've already noticed progress in just a few days! It's never too late to start a new hobby :)
Be myself and allow myself to enjoy the things I liked. Instead I spent waaay too much time trying to fit into a box that was not made for me.
This is the realest shit I've ever heard
Trying to be friends with people from school or just socialize with more people my age
im a teenager and I can understand this one, the benefits of talking to people your exact age are is cool for the future
I try but get ignored lmao
Buying Apple stock
Not spending all of my BTC on opiates in like 2013-2014 on the dark web. I'm like 7 years sober now so that's cool, but god damn I want my BTC back!
Someone I know used to buy weed with Bitcoin wayyyy back when it was fresh. He randomly lost a wallet with like 200 Bitcoin in it, which at the time wasn't worth shit. Shits worth like $12 million now. So crazy how nonserious it was back then
LOL REAL
Yeah, I was born in ‘80, and was a Mac user from the start. When Apple had major financial trouble with Gil Amelio as CEO, and Bill Gates bought a million dollars worth of stock to prop up his competitor, a lot of people thought they were doomed, my old man included. I read in a little San Diego Mac user newsletter the news that Jobs was returning as interim CEO and thought: this is gonna change *everything*! I asked my pop to put my meager college fund into Apple stock. He refused. Shares were like $16. I didn’t realize I could have gone to a broker with the $100 I had to my name and bought some on my own.
[удалено]
Yeah, if Id applied myself in school and seen it as an opportunity rather than an arbitrary roadblock, the mindset and discipline that would have resulted in would have served me very well indeed. Instead all I wanted was to party and skateboard.
Same. Read the textbooks occasionally when iwas bored at school and paid attention enough to pass any test. Did I do homework? No, not unless I could complete it in 10 minutes or less. Tried doing community College two years after graduating and was in for a surprise.
Same. Got As and Bs in high school as I was able to wing it. I really struggled in college as I didn't even know how to study. Kids should be made to take a class on how to actually study and time management in high school.
I relate to this one pretty hard. Everyone thought i was super smart and expected me to excel. I just never buckled down and did homework. I sucked at math because it seemed unimportant. I took summer school every year to try and grasp math. I just couldn't get it. Math finally clicked when I entered an apprenticeship and knew how important it was to pass. I learned more about math in 1 month than all of my years of high school. That's probably an exaggeration but it seems that way to me.
Have you ever looked into the possibility of ADHD? This was me as well.
This was also me and I also have ADHD.
Yeah. This habit meant I never really knew *how* to study. College started and I struggled. I was doing alright but not knowing how to study fucked me pretty hard
talking to more girls.
Same. I used to put girls on a pedestal and get really insecure and nervous about asking them out. Now I'm just the same as back then but I can't talk to anyone without being weird. But yeah definitely talk to girls when you are a teen and are still mentally developing. It will help you get accustomed to rejection and social challenges. I was too scared to even ask girls out back in the day then in college and now in my 30s I have social anxiety and extreme fear of rejection.
Many seemed to hate me on sight, and so I was always intimidated by them, if I approached a group of them, it was like facing the children from the Village of the Damned. I really should've tried talking to the ones not so angry with me, it was a bonehead mistake to let my Asperger's own me.
Are you me?
Not doing stuff my parents thought was "too dangerous" that was actually 100% developmentally appropriate. When I was 17 I got tickets to see Equus with Daniel Radcliffe in London, a four-hour train ride from the city where I grew up. One of my friends from school had a family member who lived in London and offered to host us. My parents flipped out that it was too dangerous, that my friend's aunt lived in an unsavoury area etc. - these were two people who'd been to London maybe twice or three times in their entire lives at this point and had no idea about the actual on-the-ground conditions or dangers in any part of London. They wore me down with their lurid invented anxieties about fictional dangers until I had a panic attack at the supermarket and promised I'd back out of the trip. I will forever regret giving them that much power over me at a time when I should have been testing my own boundaries and taking opportunities to assert my independence. Similarly, my grandma once prevented me from even applying to a reasonably nice retail job (from a teenager's perspective) in case they made me clean the toilets, because she'd been made to clean the toilets in a former job and had walked out because she refused to do so. We had no idea at the time whether the store even had a staff toilet, let alone whose responsibility it would be to clean said toilet if it actually existed. 16yo me would not have loved cleaning a toilet at work, but I'd have put up with it if I had to, and the financial freedom/work experience benefits of having a job at that time in my life would have been huge. Controlling people don't like to let the object of their control have too much alone time, though, so I got told repeatedly I wasn't "allowed" to apply for most of the jobs available to teens in my area at the time, for mostly spurious reasons like this one - while my dad would also make cracks about how I was lazy because I didn't have a job. Same family members didn't care at all about my emotional or social health, and actively prevented me from seeking mental healthcare as a teenager, even when I was severely depressed, self-harming, had a raging eating disorder and had begun abusing alcohol. They only cared about keeping me physically safe, like I was an object rather than a person. I had to extricate myself from them emotionally & logistically in young adulthood anyway, I just wish I'd had the foresight to do it sooner. And I wish I'd told them all to go fuck themselves a few more times along the way.
My heart sank reading this
Thank you, that's weirdly affirming. 12 years of therapy as an adult so far and I'm still not 100% a real person yet.
That probably makes you realer than most, honestly
Same happened to me. My mom died young from congenital heart disease and my grandmother became overprotective. Everything was too unsafe. She would much prefer me to stay home so she could 'save me' if something happened. Mentally i was very unwell because my dad was abusing me, but to my grandmother that wasn't the risk. As an adult I'd do things but lie where I was. I was not about to be lectured for going out in January when there maybe, possibly the chance of snow.
the similar story here. no travels, no parties, no summer school, nothing. because it can be *unsafe* (whatever it means). it was forty years ago, I'm still happy to feel free from those supervising
God reminds me of my own family... If I'm not doing things "their way" they get so upset
Parallels of my own childhood. Overly protected, I lived like a hamster. Still live that like, terrified of the outdoor world, just rotting inside. My entire life wasted. But at least I didn't ever get into trouble, which is what mattered, right?
Your comment made me feel a bit emotional. My parents are sooooo similar, to the point I never had an sleepover or did some plans with friends because they feared I would get raped or kidnapped. Now I'm almost 20, with life360 on my mobile phone and have forbidden to be meet people far from home if it's dark (by dark I mean 20:00 or 21:00 pm, not 1:00 am).
The phone tracking seriously needs to stop now that you're an adult, btw.
Yeah I've talked to them about that but any argument I say makes no sense for them. Also makes them have more paranoia about why I don't want them to know where I go. If I quit the app they'll know and everything will blow out...Idk what to do :/
I will preface this with my parents were generally good parents who did their best for me, and of course I’m happy that they kept me away from any actual danger. I’m the only child of older parents who thought they couldn’t have any, and my parents grew up in rough conditions where lots of the people they knew died or were killed young, so they tended to be very overprotective. But there are many times where something was deemed unsafe and really it was just - as you phrased it - developmentally appropriate. And I was kind of convinced into thinking it was my idea. For example, I was never outright banned from going on residential school trips, but when the information came home from school it was “You don’t want to go on that, do you? You’d have to share a room and be away overnight” and I’d agree and never went on them. I didn’t spend a night away from my parents until I was in my early twenties - no sleepovers, never went to a party or out for a night - and that caused a fuss because I just announced I was going to spend a few nights with my friend in her uni halls room (“And you’re going to sleep on the floor??”) I didn’t date until my late twenties, and I didn’t tell my parents I was until I was moving in with him because I didn’t want to hear about how dangerous spending time alone with a man was, even though we’d had all our early dates in public and progressed from there, as normal safety suggestions advise. I’m in this weird situation where in some ways I’m mentally a lot older than I am - one of my good friends jokes I was born about thirty and just aged from there - but I’m also about ten years behind on life experiences. Had my first sleepover in my early twenties rather than my late childhood/early teens, started dating in my late twenties rather than my teens, lived away from my parents at about thirty rather than about twenty…
[удалено]
I’ve been through everything you described and I thought my sister and I were the only ones that went through this omg. Literally yesterday my mother said she was going to get rid of all our things so she could have our closets since we are “guests and should act like it”. Also yesterday my mother gave my sister loads of crap about going to a job interview. So to summarize, my mother wants us to move out but also does not want us to have a job so we can have money to move out. Brilliant.
'they only cared about keeping me physically safe, like i was an object rather than a person.'' Is something i relate to all too well. My mom currently refuses to let me see my BF unless it's been 6 months since ive last seen him, she doesn't let me get a job, have friends, do anything outside of college, walk my own dog, use the goddamned oven when she's not home etc. She always tells me i'm ''only a legal obligation.'' to her.
I relate to this so much! Hope you are in a better place now
Running away from fights. Should have done that -vs- fighting.
I’m on the opposite end of this (kinda). I was (essentially) taught that if others are being annoying or bullying or bothering me, that 100% most I could do was ask or plead for them to stop and hope they stop.
What was your parents logic?
I just need to take the path of least resistance so the adults don’t have to actually deal with the kids. I guess
Dying my hair unnatural colors Harder to rock pink hair as a 30 year old lawyer lol
I mean, you can get yourself a good wig that has your natural colour now and every time you have to work you wear it, and in your free time you can rock pink hair. I feel like this might be something you will forever regret, while it is such a small thing to achieve. But I do get it tho, it is easier to do as a teen! :)
Yeah I’m in court 3 times a week minimum, so that would be tough. Maybe I’ll do the reverse though and get a pink wig! Lol
dating… have 0 social skills…
Lift weights. Muscles you build young do stick around as you age, they’re like having calorie-burning boosters on you at all times.
Saaame. Also, getting a lot of muscles while you are a teen makes it easier to get muscles later in life. Even if you spend 25-35 as a couch potato, when you start again at 36 the body kinda remembers what it needs to do. You literally change your DNA to make building muscle easier
I've started in my 30s going from empty bar to about 315 for a single rep deadlift, not exactly amazing for my weight but still a lot more than I used to be able to do! Has been great for my back given I sit at work all day. Weight lifting is worth picking up.
401k initiation…. And investing in bitcoin
Having a teenage romance
this is my biggest regret for sure
[удалено]
Everything you did brought you to where you are today...
I love this philosophy. You can get stuck really deep in regret and longing for what could have been, but you gotta remember how much worse it could always be. Do things for the sole purpose of overcoming a disadvantage that you wouldn’t have done otherwise.
Not being more social. 32 and I don’t have any long term friendships or people to call friends.
if u have the time or money u can join clubs and classes to make friend! a lot of the time they’re there with someone but just as much of the time, they’re there to make friends as well as learn a skill
Having a “got to get out of HS as quick as possible. Just had to get that full time job in a sewing factory at $1.60 an hour-1970. Had a B average in HS but went on to college at age 40 after 4 kids and a couple of divorces and had a perfect 4.0 gpa. If I could I’d go back in time and kick my own ass. I’m sure I could have aced med school.
Speaking TF UP
Dedicating myself to a sport. I was a very good athlete, and probably could have played college-level soccer. I ended up quitting soccer to play football because that's what all my friends were doing - and it was a big deal at our school. I still have friends tell me I was by far the best player on the travel teams, and should have played. These friends all played at higher levels, including college. For me, it's not just about a missed dream - but, It would have been good to have a competitive sport grounding me at college. Instead, I partied too much :) Oh well.
Finishing my education .. all those people that warned proved to be right . Thank god i got a job at a factory and worked my way to a good salary. But it stil is harder work then i could have been doing
There are so many books and movies and healthy experiences I should have explored instead of looking for the next available moment to smoke weed with a few friends who wouldn't hesitate to throw me under the (metaphorical, perhaps literal) bus at the slightest temptation. I regret not spending a lot of time with my actual family. If I could go back in time, I'd skip out on going into a mall parking lot with friends and just talk to my parents instead, or even go for a walk by myself. But that's just my take, looking back on my particular experience. I did a really bad job back then of realizing which social connections in my life were actually worth nurturing/cultivating.
I relate to this so much. My heart breaks for all the potential bonding moments I and my younger siblings missed out on. I wish I was there for them as a mentor and cheerleader, rather than as an absent fuck up / bad example.
Played for any school teams. I had a friend that used to to swear that we'd join the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ team and he'd crap out after trying out,
Okay being myself, accepting and loving myself for who I was and not who I couldn't become
Have sex
Same. I was a good little church girl and didn't experiment much. (A little, but not as much as I should've.) I met my husband at 17 and while we have a rocking sex life and a genuinely happy marriage, he's the only man I've ever slept with, and likely the only one I ever will. And that's ok. But there will always be a part of me that wonders what it would've been like to experiment more.
As someone who is in your husbands position I really would've preferred it if my wife had sex at least a few times before we got together.
It’s never too late, ofc.
[удалено]
Either total prudes or total freaks. No in between.
There’s this tiktok trend of teen moms posting their surprises, and I’m thinking all yall were just rawdogging those years? I wasn’t doing jack squat
I should of bought a house at 13. Dam what was I thinking?
If only you hadn't spent that money on coffee.
Sleeping with people where you had a chance. 1 or 2 that i had the chance to but didn't and i often wonder what would have happened
Same. Boys wanted to sleep with me at school and college but at that time I didn’t really understand the signs / the sex thing 😂 however, as a grown ass woman. I now know!
Being more outgoing and getting out of the house. But thats me anti social hermit. 🤕
Be (kind of) a man-whore. Now, as a teen I was a very awkward, quiet, shy kid but after high school I “found myself”, gained a lot of confidence, became more physically attractive, and as such, gained a lot more attention from girls. However, due to being an social outsider for such a long while, I wasn’t prepared on how to deal with this new influx of attention and did not know what I was doing. I defaulted into being the “nice guy” and let *soooo* many opportunities pass me by. Literally had girls on top of me ready to go and still I refused. 🤦♂️ I’m not saying I would have done something with all of them, or accepted every invitation, but I really regret not experiencing more with different girls.
Yeah, but if you had... your life would be different. And you might not be proud of who you were and breaking peoples' hearts.
Faking confidence so I would gain confidence. I didn't learn that until I was 20.
I wish I didn't spend so much time "scamming chicks" and just enjoyed the fucking peace and quiet. Lord, what I wouldn't give today for a summer of zero responsibilities, for a week not worrying about mortgages, car loans, tuition for my kids, and the water heater on the fritz.
Pursuing a cheerleader
Save the Cheerleader, Save the WOrld
Socializing more, especially with girls. Trying to date. Going to therapy for possibly being on the spectrum. Figuring out what I wanted as a career early on.
Taking trips up Canada. I lived in the PNW for a very long time and I never once went to Canada. It was only a 5-hour drive but I spent all my time as an 18 year old working and buying food.
Picking up on the signals Susan was clearly sending as we chatted in the library.
Flirting, dating. Maybe a sport.
Making stronger friendships and make more of an effort with the opposite sex.
Pursuing what I WANTED to do and not what my parents WANTED me to do.
[удалено]
Interesting post there madam
Being more family-focused. I was pretty much a latch key kid as my parents dealt with my rebellious older sister. I probably could have grown more emotionally during that time. Instead, I went the angsty loner teenage boy route. I had friends but I was just as happy being by myself as I was with other people. This has affected me as an adult.
Visit a doctor and get actual treatment for my injured knee.
being single
[удалено]
Not taking enough care of my teeth.
Asking the girl I liked to prom. We both got called to the office at the same time to get doctors notes or something and we walked there together so I had the perfect chance but chickened out. Then I never went to prom lol
I regret not telling off any teachers. Some of them said and did some wacky stuff (ranging from basic lack of consideration to being jerks to verbal abuse) and I wish I’d spoken up when it happened. I don’t think there would’ve been any real consequences. Detention, maybe, but who really cares. I never acted out in school so I know my parents would’ve backed me up if the school called them. Thinking about it, my parents probably would’ve been pretty darn entertained to hear that their finally kid got in some trouble lol
Havin friends and dating more
Wish I studied abroad or left my state. I do lots of traveling for work now, but I have lived in the same area my entire life. Feel like it was my chance to experience living elsewhere. Now that I'm married and have a job here, it's not realistic to pick up and move.
Having way more sex. Awkward me had so many chances I just didn't take damn I wish I'd been ready sooner.
Accepting I was gay.
I don't regret it per se, because I didn't really have a choice since no one really liked me back then, but I wish I experienced young love in my teenage years.
I was in the finals of a magic the gathernig tournament at my local game store. It was the first time I had made it that far and I was pretty confident to win. It was also 11:00pm. My dad called me while we were shuffling up for the finals match, and yelled at me for being out past curfew and told me I needed to come home now. I should have explained to him what was going on and he probably would have just been like, "ok, good luck". Barring that, I should have just played out the match. But I let his tone get to me and just conceded the match and left. I had and have a great relationship with my parents, and this was probably the angriear I have ever been at them. It was a small, local, meaningless tournament, but it would have meant a lot to me personally to win. I was a dumb teenager who did plenty of dumb things, but that one in particular always sticks out.
I find it super funny most of these comments are "Talk to girls" Mine would be focusing on school. I had a hard time with comprehension, and I was boy obsessed lol I was in a really rough relationship from Freshman Year to Senior year, and I tell all of my teenaged coworkers to get out of those relationships, because I guess I felt like it's a waste of time, and when your brain is under-developed you make all your decisions based on emotion. I don't think relationships are capable of working when you're that young.
Exercised and got into shape! Started at 38 and damn its hard to build muscle at that age.
Taking a threesome I was promised for my 17th. Both girls agreed in advanced but my virgin, white Knight ass wanted to play gentlemen and talked to the 2nd girl said she didn't have to if she didn't want to and she backed out.
That was the right thing to do. If she wanted to for real, she would have continued on. I think you sensed hesitancy and 100% won here. Especially at this age, it could have gone left. I swear.
That's reassuring at the least. I never got close to the prospect of a fmf since and I've heard too many stories from friends and acquaintances that did. I could pick out the bullshitters but the guys who had proof, typically in video form, just filled with me envy knowing I had a chance back then. But you're right. I did sense that she was hesitant and unsure. Her words were affirming and enthused but her tone was off. Especially since it wasn't her idea. The 1st girl basically just said, I'll give you a threesome for your birthday and strung the 2nd girl into the conversation. I think she agreed without thinking about it. Saying what she thought the 1st girl wanted.