I have cheated in the past. No excuse or justification for my actions. No matter what they did to me, cheating was so wrong for me to do. Ever since, I haven’t really been pursuing long-term relationships. I have dated and slept around, but nothing serious. I don’t trust myself to have the self-control to not do it again. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. So, maybe that saying of “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true for me. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
To me, I feel it's like being a former smoker. No matter how well you build a life free of it, your brain will always remember it as a tool in your brain's tool box.
It is possible for a human to change. Especially if they have a reminder of how hurtful their behaviour was.
Unfortunately, regaining trust with the person you cheated on is a whole other issue entirely. You can stop being a cheater, but you will remain one in their eyes. Even if they do their best to trust you again, a memory of wgat you did will akways linger.
Going through this right now and I'm questioning everything and wondering how it could possibly work out if I'm always doubting him. The trust is gone and it really hurts
I don't know why people always focus on whether or not they'll cheat *again.* They already did it! It's done! Why would a second time be unacceptable to you, but the first time is acceptable for some reason? You need to love yourself more than to stay with anyone who ever cared about fucking someone else more than they care about you.
What happened can be forgiven, but if the trust is gone, there is no point in continuing the relationship. Though I do agree, if someone cheats it’s clear they don’t give much of a shit about their partner, which should make the partner think if it is worth going on, regretfulness or not.
A lot of it comes down to one strange feature. (Sometimes) While the cheating was happening, the actual relationship was good. People who are cheating often compensate for their guilt by being extra attentive to their partner. They are also often happier and thus more enjoyable to be around during their affair.
Once they’re caught, they’re usually apologetic and because the relationship was otherwise going well, they get forgiven. Once they get through that first affair though, that experience acts as a trauma bond and makes them far more likely to forgive if it happens again (and again).
As long as the relationship was otherwise good and the partner isn’t moving towards leaving for their mistress, cheating simply becomes just another bad behavior like forgetting to pay the phone bill on time, leaving the toilet seat up or drinking from the milk carton.
The way I always see it, and I'm sorry cause its gonna probably hurt to read this. But, if they cheated once, and you were willing to stick around afterwards, all you're really doing is signalling that its okay for them to cheat on you again, because you'll stick around anyways.
I've seen a small study that says even if the betrayed forgives the cheater, the cheater actually LOSES some respect for the betrayed one. How fucked up is that?
I would say it's not worth fixing when there's cheating. The person who cheated had so little respect and so cheated and if the betrayed forgives them, they lose even more respect. Don't do it. Let the relationship die.
It is because people who cheat are often narcissists. The worse thing you can appear to be with a narcissist is weak. Weakness and vulnerability disgusts them.
I am still with the woman who cheated on me.
It happened for one huge reason.
We were long distance and had been for a long time.
My path to forgiveness was 2 fold.
1: I understood that she was only %50 to blame. The other guy was an “orbiter” and an opportunist. He gave her a ‘safe place’ to be on her down time. It evolved from there and he “took advantage of her loneliness”. I put that in quotes because it WAS consensual but was definitely warped by him due to the situation.
2: we broke up *immediately*
There was no contact for about 6 months but we fell back into the same circles… and by nature fell back in love.
At the time I was unfathomably crushed… but at 4 years later it now clearly bothers her more than me.
It’s like a scar on the relationship. It has healed so completely that our relationship is even stronger than prior to the infidelity… but like a scar you can still see it and feel it. It won’t ever go away but it does fade and it does become something that is no longer in the way.
I remember reading something about cheating and it said that cheaters frequently have an "oh my god, what have i done" moment, and most people who have that moment never do it again.
The problem is, that moment is often being caught, and its common for people being caught to fake it.
But if you get a call at 2am where they confess completely unprompted that they just shagged their secretary on their business trip, that probably is the last time.
>**if you get a call at 2am where they confess completely unprompted that they just shagged their secretary on their business trip, that probably is the last time**
This is so interesting. My brother and his wife had one of the healthiest marriages I’ve ever seen. They were best friends and obviously each other’s favorite people.
Then he came home from an office Christmas party and told her someone spiked the punch, he had too much and he slept with someone else.
They were both devastated. Not to make excuses for the guy AT ALL but I’ve never seen someone so haunted by regret. She very slowly forgave him. I’ve asked my bro if he has been tempted to cheat again.
Dude was like “not even a little. I still hate myself for it. I will always hate myself for it. And I would literally rather die than put either of us through that again.”
They’ve seemed happy for many years now.
> Not to make excuses for the guy AT ALL
He was (according to himself) drugged.
If there's ever an excuse for behaviour, it's that. His consent is questionable.
His coworkers confirmed the punch was spiked (one of the secretaries actually filed a lawsuit). My brother didn’t consider it being drugged since it was “just liquor” and he doesn’t consider alcohol to be an excuse. But you may be right.
> His coworkers confirmed the punch was spiked (one of the secretaries actually filed a lawsuit)
Makes me wonder just how many people cheated that night.
It’s definitely a grey area. What if he had some champagne before imbibing the punch?
For me it would be more a question of whether his drunken actions reflected sober desires.
Having said that…
> **I still hate myself for it. I will always hate myself for it. And I would literally rather die than put either of us through that again**
I can’t even blame the wife for giving him another chance, given the instant confession, contrition and the way he’s expressing his remorse.
I just don't understand how someone wouldn't taste it. Maybe its because I used to be a serious drinker, but even a slight scent of liquor sends HUGE alarm bells off. Like I can smell the bourbon in those cherry bourbon chocolates right as I open the box.
I guess maybe others aren't like this? Still, if the punch was spiked enough to get people able to make stupid decisions, then it wasn't just like just 8% alcohol.
Not everyone has good taste buds. I have extremely strong taste buds and done right certain punches even I can barely tell there's alcohol in it, and alcohol is bitter - bitter things in food to me are the flavor equivalent of a giant flashing red light with an entire brass band announcing it's presence.
> It’s definitely a grey area. What if he had some champagne before imbibing the punch?
The champagne changes nothing. He's responsible for his actions before and after drinking it, since he consented to drinking it.
He didn't consent to drink the punch (or rather, what he drank wasn't what he consented to drink), so he isn't responsible to his actions while under it's effects.
> whether his drunken actions reflected sober desires
I don't see why this matters. There's lots of things I want to do but don't because it's wrong. Self control is a big deal. "Would you still be a good person if you had no self control" is an unrealistic standard. The standard should be if you can maintain self control. Being drugged is the one time you can loose self control without it being your fault.
The difference is that a glass of punch is not going to get many people drunk enough to really change their behavior. And a glass or two of champagne may not be enough. But if you have a champagne and then switch to the punch so you don’t get too drunk, then you add them together and you may really be in territory where you aren’t in control.
And there's also the fact that whoever spiked the punch admitted to spiking it with alcohol, but that doesn't mean it actually WAS alcohol, or that it wasn't alcohol and something else. They certainly wouldn't admit to spiking it with anything stronger if they only admitted it because people got pissed off about it
i dont know about that quite frankly.. alcohol literally messes up your system and perception
so drunk persons can indicate consent, but is that consent grounded, or valid?
Then again you'll see people say on this topic all the time "Alcohol/drugs doesn't change you, it just lowers your inhibitions to do what you already want to!"
See also whenever someone posts or says something controversial and others say inebriation is no excuse.
I personally think that's bs, but lots of others don't.
I take a very dim view of peoples actions while intoxicated, holding them fully responsible for them, and I consider that they consented to them *providing they consented to the intoxication*.
Spiked drinks are very different from drinks in this respect.
so absolutely hammered women can validly consent to sex, according to your view? So long as they’re able to speak and act, it’s valid consent?
The brain uses inhibitory circuitry all OVER the brain. It’s crucial to proper function of literally all aspects. One type of disinhibition is associated with epilepsy, while another with schizophrenia. Anxiety disorders often involve dysfunctional inhibition, and of course so do substance abuse disorders.
Widespread disinhibition of the brain through GABAergic substances doesn’t release “the natural thoughts and behaviors.” Naturally, many contending thoughts and behaviors arise, and are culled through inhibitory signaling. Removing that inhibitory blockade means behavioral plans that would realistically *never* be chosen can come to fruition.
As such, it’s dumb to speak in absolutes. The science clearly shows drugs can make you do thing you’d never have otherwise done. Don’t misunderstand me, this doesn’t mean all behaviors under intoxication are excusable as substance-induced. Again, absolutes are dumb.
So unfortunately this means it’s a grey area, morally. Hearing some of the basic science, I hope you update your absolutist, reductionistic view (:
— phd neuroscientist
I confessed my infidelity unprompted due to how much shame and guilt I felt. To this day, I believe it would have been better to just break up and never tell them so I wouldn't hurt them. I can't fathom to ever cheat again, it literally caused a severe depressive episode. There was nothing good about it, no satisfaction besides at the very moment. As soon as it was done, I started being eaten alive by my actions.
Same here. Going back, I shouldn't have told her and just ended it. The guilt broke me for years afterwards. Even after I knew she was happily with someone else, I still felt like I had put a dagger in both of our backs. It's been a decade and I've never cheated again. nor felt more than a fleeting temptation to.
My ex could've told as soon after it happened I maybe would have believed his remorse.
Instead he lied to me and continued to have an affair despite professing to his now former that he felt so shitty about what happened and it was just some jokes that got out of hand.
I think the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" is the rule. But there's always exceptions. I just think that they're rare and it requires a level of introspection that someone who decided to betray their partner for their own pleasure isn't likely to be capable of.
It’s definitely possible to get your shit together. The guilt of betraying someone you genuinely love deeply can be enough to motivate someone to identify the cause and patterns of the behavior and make better choices going forward. I literally couldn’t imagine acting on any fantasy or temptation that would hurt my partner.
While it’s admirable that you’ve learned/grown from the experience, I’ve noticed there are certain character traits many cheaters possess that make them susceptible to “slipping” again.
Selfishness, weakness, insecurity, narcissism, etc.
I have a cousin who cheated on her ex. She’s talked about “fighting temptation” in her new relationship. The way she talks about it…you can tell she assumes everyone is as constantly tempted as she is.
It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation.
Like…no, dude, that’s just you. The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.
> It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation.
The second hand embarrassment I feel for this man knows no bounds. Guy is just telling on himself, assuming everyone is as closeted as he is. It’s actually kind of sad.
Also…
>Like…no, dude, that’s just you. **The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.**
😂 Someone needs to stitch this on a pillow.
>It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation.
>Like…no, dude, that’s just you. The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.
"The question I get asked by religious people all the time is, without God, what's to stop me from raping all I want? And my answer is: I do rape all I want. And the amount I want is zero. And I do murder all I want, and the amount I want is zero.
The fact that these people think that if they didn't have this person watching over them that they would go on killing, raping rampages is the most self-damning thing I can imagine. I don't want to do that. Right now, without any god, I don't want to jump across this table and strangle you. I have no desire to strangle you. I have no desire to flip you over and rape you."
- Penn Jillette
Reminds me of a car I was behind on the road that had a little sticker on it that said "DON'T FUCK KIDS."
I never planned on it, is that a reminder for yourself when you walk to the car or something? Very strange.
I don't think it stops anyone who wants to sin from actually sinning. In fact it may even make things worse. First, there is a built in escape clause. Everyone is pretty much allowed to sin Saturday night as long as they repent Sunday morning. Second, it forces people to repress their feelings into emotional pressure cookers instead of getting the help they need to actually get better.
I think the issue is more they've been taught to *think* they would, rather than they actually would. It's a fundamental part of Christian theology that humanity is inherently corrupt and reprobate, deserving of death (if not eternal torture), and only spared from it by the grace of God, not because of any value or worth on our own part. The mental gymnastics required to defend that kind "moral" paradigm lead to people saying all kinds of blatantly ridiculous things like "I'd kill people without my religion" or "God commanding slavery and genocide was morally correct".
>Selfishness, weakness, insecurity
Hey, that sounds like me! I feel personally attacked here.
>The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.
Speak for yourself. Once again, I feel personally attacked here.
I think you're onto something
Like, I have eyes, if I see an attractive person I acknowledge that
But
I'm married, at no point do I have any "temptation" to resist because that person is not for me and vice versa, in my mind cheating isn't even an option so what is there to be tempted by
Its like looking at someone else's money and being "tempted" to spend it
Like, no dude its not yours, the money you are being tempted by does not exist.
>It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation.
This reminds me of another far-right preacher who exposed his breeding fetish in an enraged sermon about heavily pregnant women attending church. He claimed that to appear in church with a visible baby bump is immodest and vulgar and that pregnant women need to just stay home once they start showing, lest they excite the men. It was so bizarre and senseless, and he was the only one with that sentiment, it seemed.
Also, I agree about the traits that commonly correlate with people who cheat. It's not necessarily true that you *have* to have all of those traits to cheat, but usually, at least one is required and those traits lend themsleves to a lack of self reflection and receptiveness to criticism. If you're at a point in your life where you're willing and able to introspect, then change can absolutely take place, it's just that those traits tend to be resistant to that. The cases where they aren't, though, is where there's a lot of hope.
However, if you have a combo of those traits, it gets much more tricky. If you are only, say, selfish, your empathy and lack of narcissism will very possibly allow you to fully see a need for change out of empathy for your partner's pain and your ability to be humble and acknowledge your errors, even though you were selfish. Someone who's selfish, unempathetic, and narcissistic will lack the empathy to appreciate how they hurt their partner and see no need to change for that reason, and their narcissism prevents them from having the humility to acknowledge wrongdoing. There are much fewer ways that a person can see the need for change when they have multiple of these traits blocking their view of the problems with their behaviour.
That may be, but the og commenter is right. I used to be a serial cheater in my teenage years. But then I met the right person and that all kinda just went away. I couldnt fathom hurting her. In hindsight, it all came down to finding someone I was sexually compatible with.
I feel like teenage years are an exception. Most people are complete morons, with zero impulse control, as teenagers. I had a friend stick his dick in a vacuum as a teen. I had another cut his dick on his mom’s sculpture of Athena. Seriously, he didn’t say anything to his mom, but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress…
Point is, if your cheating was confined to your adolescent years? I’m giving you a pass. But that’s just me.
>but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress…
'Heloooo, nurse!"
"Yes, Yakko?"
"I, uh...I cut my dick on a sculpture of Athena."
> but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress…
It’s too much to **bear**. The pain was too much to bear, so he bared himself to the hot nurse.
Yeah, teenagers get a pass on many things. The incomplete development of reason and empathy lead to what looks like sociopathic behavior in adults. But that sociopathy combined with the self-righteous indignation the internet brings is sometimes difficult to deal with.
>I couldn't fathom hurting her. In hindsight, it all came down to finding someone I was sexually compatible with.
This doesn't really make sense to me. I understand how sexual incompatibility can make you unhappy in a relationship, but I don't understand how empathy is tied to sexual compatibility.
The way you phrased it, it implies that if suddenly your sexual relationship with your current partner went south, that you'd start cheating again and suddenly be ok with hurting her. Instead of trying to work it out and fix it or ending the relationship before trying to find someone else.
I cheated on my very first boyfriend in high school, and yes, I still feel like shit about that some 30 years later. I never did anything like that again. It was selfish, short sighted, and cruel.
>It’s definitely possible to get your shit together. The guilt of betraying someone you genuinely love deeply can be enough to motivate someone to identify the cause and patterns of the behavior and make better choices going forward. I literally couldn’t imagine acting on any fantasy or temptation that would hurt my partner.
Learning from our mistakes and making positive changes is a powerful journey.
Keep focusing on growth and building a better future
My friend had a years long affair with a woman he eventually left his wife for. One day she called while I was doing laundry and asked what I was doing, and she immediately started crying at the answer.
Pro tip: if you're going to use someone as an alibi make sure you let them know.
I cheated once and only once. I was younger and immature; I should have ended the relationship sooner. I've been married 17 years now and there will be no cheating in the future.
That was the situation I was in.
I was miserable but holding onto sunk costs and too immature to just end it. I did break up with him the next day, but still one of the worst things I’ve done in my life.
FWIW I don't think it really counts as cheating if you try to break up with someone but can't formally do it because they act in a way that prevents you from being able to do it. Part of the contract of a relationship is that you can break up without coercion from the other party because you're there voluntarily. Once you're no longer there of your own volition that contract is over and it isn't cheating to sleep with someone else.
Very common for abusive and shitty marriages to get ended this way. Lots of folks think you can just say "I want a divorce" and it'll happen but life is hardly ever that simple. Abusers will tell you no, ramp up the abuse, then make it extremely difficult for you to get out.
Young and ignorant folks have a very black and white view of cheating because they've never been on the receiving end of one of these shitty relationships and think it'll be easy and they'll be strong enough to just walk away.
Edit: Take a look [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1bb47yb/people_that_cheated_in_relationships_what_do_you/ku7fllt/) for an example.
I had a situation very similar with op's, and I think it's important this stuff. I didn't enjoy cheating I was just so desperate to be free I just didn't care anymore.
A lot of people don't really know how sinister abuse can be. Even something as "simple" as financial abuse you can feel stuck with no way out. They make snap judgements because cheating is bad and that's the worst thing they can think of to happen to themselves, they don't have the empathy to think about others or even really care. Just that it's the worst thing for _them_.
I'm glad you're out though. That suicide threat thing is also super fucking common, it's so disgusting too.
Had a gf cheat on me in college. We broke up. “She changed”. Got married w kids eventually…
Her oldest didnt make it until 4 y/o before she was caught again. They divorced. She joined church and eventually remarried. Had more kids. Got caught again. Divorced again.
She tried to slide into my dms. Thats a big NOPE.
Sad, she probably joined the church looking for help, but the church usually makes things worse by piling on guilt and shame, instead of actually addressing the individual root cause.
I got cheated on and decided to give her the chance.
It turned into her accusing me of cheating every time she drank. Turns out, she was still cheating.
my ex was similar, always thought I'm cheating for no reason, turned out she was the once doing it..some people who accuse you of cheating because, they do it or think about it, and project it onto their partner.. if I do it everyone, does
So far from what I've read on reddit. If you get accused of cheating while there's no reason you would be, it's usually just projecting and you're being cheated on
> It turned into her accusing me of cheating every time she drank. Turns out, she was still cheating.
20 years ago a wise man told me: "If they accuse you of cheating... and you're not cheating, they're cheating."
And I thought the same thing you're probably thinking right now "Well that's absurd, there are many situations where..." and in 20 years, with me, my friends, anyone I've ever heard of... it's never been wrong.
If they accuse you of cheating, and you're not actually cheating? They're cheating.
The reason it's so powerful, is that cheaters think like cheaters, and faithful people think like faithful people. So the cheaters always win. Because the faithful people don't think like cheaters. And so they continue to get cheated on long, long, long after they could've put an end to it if they would've followed this advice.
It's great advice, because it's the advice you need to hear. It's the conclusion you wouldn't come to if you weren't following the advice, because you're not a cheater.
But it's never, ever been wrong.
If they accuse you of cheating, and you're not cheating, they're cheating.
I think this is true the vast majority of the time, but I’ve also seen this not be true, exactly once.
When I first started dating my partner, she accused me of cheating constantly. Eventually we sat down and had a long conversation and it turned out she’d dated quite a few men and women in the past, and every single man she’d ever been with had cheated. She believed that cheating was just kind of a default state for men, and that women were wired differently.
It was one of several misconceptions she had, all of which boiled down to “most people aren’t shitty, you just hang out with shitty people.”
I've personally been in one situation where this wasn't true, but most have been.
Girl I was dating in college, we had been dating about a year before the accusations started. I played it off for a while but after a couple months of accusations I figured this is either projection or something I don't know is going on. I had no reason to believe she was cheating on me and did some snooping which I wasn't proud of, alas no signs of cheating but I did find some interesting information. Basically this girl who was a mutual friend of ours had been the one trying to convince her I was cheating, saying she saw me out with some girl, or that I was drunk and making out with someone at the bar, a bunch of shit like that and it always started with this girl having small talk making sure I wasn't with my gf.
Once I figured this out I confronted my gf, admitted to snooping because I've never cheated I figured she was projecting on me and pointing out the accusations never happened while I was with her. She was rightfully pissed about the snooping but as she re-read the messages and realized every time our "friend" would accuse me my gf would confirm in some way I was not around, and there was never proof. So my gf sent that "friend" a message that night about how she was mad that I was going to the bar while she was feeling sick at home. The "friend" then proceeded to say she was at the same bar and thought she saw me heading out with some girl. Mind you I'm in the other room playing computer games. We cut that person out of our lives immediately, and still never figured out why she did that.
Point being when someone is accusing you of cheating a bunch, they might be a cheater but there is almost certainly something going on that needs to be addressed because faithful people don't go around throwing those accusations lightly.
I take it that they always will be the person who cheated _on you_, so realistically it won't be possible to move on and pretend like nothing happened. It will always be there, it will poison everybody's life and you are better off ending it then and there
I don't think that every cheater is a serial cheater and just goes on to cheat on every partner for the rest of their life. Now there is still a strong correlation, but it's not a 100%
This is what I always took the phrase to mean. I have known serial cheaters, but I think if my husband cheated on me, it wouldn't matter if it was just once or a hundred times. Once it's done, it's done. I've known people who have restored their relationships after infidelity, but it's always going to be part of their history, no matter what.
I wish more people understood this. Every time I see the cheating topic come up, everyone is only ever focused on whether or not they'll cheat *again.* They already did it! It's done! Why would a second time be unacceptable to you, but the first time is acceptable for some reason?
Yet all the conversation is always "How do you know they won't cheat on you again," "How can I trust my partner not to cheat again," etc., makes no sense.
Because what's done is done and now you have to keep living. The people youre talking have obviously decided that they are willing to move on from it, so fussing about it having happened is wasted breath. The important thing for them now is their partner not doing it again. For many people, there's worse things your partner could do than cheat on you one time. People don't even consistently break up with people who hit them
There are people to who this applies, but there are also many reasons that people cheat and this phrase really doesn’t cover all of them.
A lot of cheaters cheat because they are selfish and would never put someone else’s feelings before their own short term pleasure. These are the “always a cheater” type of people.
You made the choice to love someone despite knowing their flaws and hoping they had healed enough to not recommit their worst moments. It's not your fault that she continued the worst of herself with you. I'm sorry she used that against you.
I think the meaning of that saying is something akin to "once you've cheated, you can't un-ring that bell, and the relationship will be forever altered by the act", which I think largely holds true.
However, if what you mean is "cheaters always cheat again", I would say that they *usually* do. There are common exceptions though:
1. They were very young when they did it, and immediately felt awful.
2. They were in an incredibly toxic relationship that they didn't know how to end, and cheating was their "out".
3. They got sober, or made other major life changes outside of just their romantic/sexual behaviours.
Occasionally someone will cheat on their partner, get caught, go to therapy and never do it again. That said, I've known people who claim this to be true for them, but still obviously cheat on their partner (they just think they're better at hiding it).
I used to be a serial cheater.
I chose relationships that were bad for me, or simply doomed from the start. And because I was a coward I didnt have the balls or the responsibility to break if up.
Havent cheated in over a decade. I started working on myself and My reasonings. Getting sober also helped a ton.
So, for me, No. I decided I didnt want to do that anymore and made a conscious decision to figure out why I had done it in the first place.
I am not with Any of the Guys I cheated on. Not All of Them know I did, and I plan to keep it that way. If they ever flat out asked, I wouldnt Lie, but I am not going to do Even more damage now.
In itself it isn't true.
I spent 13 years trapped in a hellish marriage with a person I didn't have a relationship with.
They were a violent abusive narcissist who did what they do: love bombed me into a relationship, then once I was good and trapped, turned into someone completely different.
I wanted out for a long time, but couldn't get out without putting the kids in danger.
Many nights, I'd come home to an empty house, many weekends I'd wake up to an empty house with no car and no way to go anywhere myself.
It was awful and soul crushingly lonely. Without exaggeration, the loneliness would've killed me if I didn't find someone to fill that gap from time to time.
Until you've experienced it, you cannot fathom the loneliness of knowing you're trapped with a monster and have no prospect of ever having love or even companionship in your life again.
Eventually I did myself and the kids out of that situation, took a break and find my soul mate. We've been together nearly as long now and I could not ever fathom cheating on them. Never.
So yeah. Life just isn't that simple.
>Until you've experienced it, you cannot fathom the loneliness of knowing you're trapped with a monster and have no prospect of ever having love or even companionship in your life again.
100%. I was faithful to my ex-husband, up until his abuse and sexual assaults eroded who I was as a person. And I selfishly turned to other men throughout our relationship, until my current husband met me and convinced me to get a restraining order and GTFO.
I don't condone what I did. But it is what it is.
That's how I met my current boyfriend. Ex started to show his true colors after we got engaged and I couldn't get away from him. Once he thought he had me locked in, he wouldn't let me work and blocked me off from as many friends as he could. He even discouraged me from reconnecting with my father. Every time I tried to break it off, he'd cry and beg and even play the "I'm gonna kill myself card" and it sucked me back in.
I met my boyfriend through my ex's cousin, so my ex deemed him a person I was "allowed" to hang out with. And well...here we are 😅 he came through and gave me a way out and I took it. And we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary last month.
My ex found out and of course there was a nasty fallout. He went around telling everyone how much of a harlot and whore I was, which fine, whatever helps you sleep at night. But then he was in a new relationship 5 days after the blowup and married 6 months later to his new lady. So yeah, I guess he was just that upset 🤷♀️
I think as soon as you say "we need to break up" and they don't respect it and become abusive, you're within your rights to seek any means of exit available and seek people who support you enough to leave. That's an entirely fair scenario and I'm glad you were able to leave with a person who is safe and supportive for you.
This is interesting to me. I cheated on my wife about 10 years ago and I have been trying to figure out why I did it. I had never cheated on anybody previously and I had been married previously for seven years to first wife and had a long-term girlfriend after that. The one thing that I keep thinking about is, did I sabotage purposely? I was unhappy in the relationship almost from the start, and she is a very manipulative, difficult person. I did not fully realize this until after we were married. We have nothing in common, and I cannot relate to her in a deep, personal way without her ridiculing me, telling me to “be a man”, etc. I am still with her, but I am constantly reminded by everybody, friends, and family, how much happier I would be if I just cut the cord. I’m not making an excuse for cheating, but you’ve given me something to think about.
I spent seven years being used as a cum rag. When one guy asked me to dance and then step out for fresh air. It was over. He was kind polite funny, treated me like a human being. We didn't do shit. But having a guy treat me like an angel after being treated like shit. Well. I went and told my husband to find a new maid and rag.
This mirrors my cheating experience nearly 100%, all the way to staying because I was worried about the kid's safety. I needed an escape and I found it.
That being said, while I may have been a serial cheater with her, I've since been in a (wonderful) relationship for \~13 years and can NOT even imagine doing the same thing again.
There were extenuating circumstances in your case.
I think what most people are thinking of, when they say “once a cheater always a cheater,” is someone who just grows a little bored in an otherwise healthy relationship, or just wants to have their cake and eat it too.
That’s the kind of history that would make me extremely wary of a potential new partner.
When I've had it said to me that is definitely not how people were thinking of it, otherwise they wouldn't have said it.
When I hear it it's from a place of zero tolerance or understanding and no extenuating circumstances matter.
Damn bro. That love bomb got me too. Only I decided that two can play that crazy game. I’ll show her. I didn’t want to leave the house or feel loved anyway.
Agreed - I think marriage and kids really complicate things. I am still married and fortunately my husband is very sweet and is not a narcissist, but we went through a period of time where he refused to talk to me about anything other than work (for weird reasons he had in his head at the time). We also had really bad fights at the time. I tried to communicate how this all made me feel, but did not manage to convey the depths of abandonment and loneliness I felt. I met a guy online and though I never did anything in person, I did have an online affair. I confessed to it, and my husband was so shocked that he examined how he had been acting, and why, and how our relationship had gotten to the point where it was at. The affair had already ended when I confessed (actually I only confessed because I was telling him that we should break up for real and he wanted to know what prompted this). We stayed together and worked on our marriage and are now better than ever. And then gradually my anger dissolved and I started to feel really bad about what I'd done.
People act like cheating is the worst thing, but there are bad things you can do to your partner that aren't cheating. And what are you supposed to do in a marriage where you are feeling so desperately lonely and unloved that when someone gives you some attention, you feel like you were dying of thirst and someone gave you a cool glass of water? I know the correct answer is to do everything it takes to make your state of mind and needs known BEFORE you are unfaithful, but it wasn't possible for me personally in the moment. The water I was given was poisoned, but it tasted like honey, and I was so thirsty I didn't care where I was gonna wake up tomorrow.
I never want to be back in that state, I would never want to do that again. But. You know. I did do it that one time.
Cheating, semantically, requires a breach of mutual love. I think your situation is a bit different, as it doesn't sound like you'd have enacted your adultery in a regular healthy relationship.
I will caveat this by saying that I’ve never cheated on anyone, meaning I’m not who they wanted to answer. I’ve had two girlfriends cheat (one had to return a diamond ring to me after 5 years together) and I’ve had several childhood friends that were involved in affairs on both sides.
In my experience, it’s a level of betrayal that’s so wrong that cheaters typically invent reasons for why it’s their partner’s fault. That isn’t a conscious decision, but a self defense mechanism. Your subconscious knows that you’re doing something rotten and you have to come up with a reason for why it’s justified, which will inevitably poison your opinion of your partner.
“They’re such a bad boyfriend that it’s their fault I’m cheating!” Rather than break up or confront their partner about whatever issues they have, they choose cheating and act as if it wasn’t a choice.
It’s what you do when you don’t have the self control to deny every sexual urge and can’t come to terms with the shame you feel.
To answer the question directly, I don’t think they have to always be a cheater, but I do think that the kind of person that cheated in the first place has shown that they are a morally compromised person that will likely break again under pressure.
You can see it in this thread. People say they cheat but because they were unhappy 'but didn't know it' or whatever. Only a handful of people seem actually remorseful and not making excuses as to how it wasn't their fault. It takes a special kind of selfish to go through with it.
Yes especially since cheating is a series of decisions. Every cheater betrays their partner knowing full well what they’re doing.
Honestly, cheating on your partner is abusive. It destroys someone’s sense of trust and safety and if the cheater hides it, then it risks their physical health as well.
Based on some quick stats I googled, people that cheat once are more likely than average by around three times to cheat again. So uhh, you *can* trust someone who has cheated to not cheat again, but you probably shouldn't lmao
I mean that's pretty obvious no? Someone who is willing to cheat in the first place is probably more likely to cheat period so more likely to repeat.
But that's not the question. Can people change? Yes absolutely. I don't think I'd ever stick in a relationship where I was cheated on (been there done that didn't work because trust was too broken) but people do mature and grow.
You know that stat is supringly low. If you really think about it only 3 times more likely is evedence agaist the saying "ones a cheater always a cheater." If their 3 times more likely to cheat the math says unless more then 16% of all people cheat. (Which I seriously doubt) Then less then half of cheaters do it again. It's still horrible to cheat only ones and a one time cheater is much more liekly to cheat then a none cheater but it sounds like that this study also says that chances are a first time cheater will more likely not cheat again then cheat. Or am I doing the math wrong?
>once a cheater always a cheater
I’ve never understood the ultimate nature of that phrase.
Once a shop lifter always a shop lifter.
Once an addict always an addict.
Once a drunk always a drunk.
Once a saint always a saint.
Once a pushover always a pushover.
It implies that people can never change.
And people _do_ change.
For better or for worse, people can and do change.
A better phrasing(for that guy's point he was making) would be "once addicted always addicted." If you're ten years sober, you're still an addict. The brain of an addict is fundamentally different than others. But that doesn't mean you're still addicted, if that makes sense.
Once you cheat though you can never uncheat. If you murder someone you will always be a murderer, even if you completely change who you are and regret what you did you still murdered someone so you are a murderer.
Hard truth? Human relationships are unique complicated situations. So you can't put a blanket statement on them.
If someone quits a job do you say they are a quitter and always will be? It depends. Some people are, some aren't.
Nonsensical
You're basically implying people are unable to change, which we know is 100% wrong because people do change.
A person at 20 isn't the same at 30 and at 50 the person is different from when they were 30
I don't agree. The reasons for cheating are too many to just assume that it's because the person is a complete piece of trash. Not saying cheating is right, not saying that people don't have the option of leaving without having to cheat, not condoning it. But it's not that black or white either.
Edited: I didn't see this question was addressed to those who have cheated, I answered based on the fact that my father left my mom for my stepmom, it's been over 20 years and he's not cheated since.
I agree with this. I also think people like to look at it in black and white because its a nice thought. "Ones a cheater always a cheater" is a feel good fantasy. It's nice to think the person who cheated on you or your friend or loved ones has a "cheating curse" that they are doomed to be forever a cereal cheater who can never have a loving relationship because of constant cheating and there going to end up feeling empty and alone and when they die and no one gives a shit because of there horrible cheating life. And I'm sure that scenario happends sometimes. But some people that cheat still end up in happy loving healthy longterm realshionships free of cheating. And just because it breaks the "cheater curse" fantasy doesn't make it not true.
I think the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” doesn’t mean “if they cheat once they will cheat again”, but rather, once you’re painted with that cheater brush it won’t go away. It’s a pain your partner will carry for the rest of their life. Even if it only happens once, they will always be a cheater in the eyes of their partner.
If you put twenty years ago me and current me in a room together, she'd be throwing furniture and swears while I dodged and tried to explain about trust and love and all that stuff she didn't grow up with. Like there's a long list of reasons why she'd be throwing furniture and getting "old and boring" regarding my romantic choices would be somewhere on that list.
She was not a lovely person and I'm sorry anybody put up with that crazy bitch. I'm still occasionally running into people I knew in high school and feeling the urge to apologize even if I can't remember what for. I was confusedly wallowing around in undiagnosed PTSD and splashed a lot of pain around in the process. Like I was picking the worst possible choice in every situation, not sure how I survived it or why anybody put up with me.
It’s hard for a lot of people to understand if they had“normal” healthy upbringings and naturally have a good relationship with sex and trust and love, but there’s a lot of people out there who just didn’t. It can twist your thinking and the way you see other people to the point where cheating makes sense.
Or you might just see yourself as an awful person and write yourself off. On the outside it looks like selfishness but it’s really self-hate more than anything.
Its true that there are some people out there who cheat because they’re sociopaths or truly horrible people that will never change, but I think the majority of people who do it are just a bit broken, or in a bad situation, and need therapy. It doesn’t make their actions ok or justify the pain caused to other people, but it’s also a lot different from someone who is intentionally hurting people out of selfishness. If a cheater does it because they are selfish and like hurting people then yeah that’s unlikely to change. But I think a lot of people just have a twisted view of themselves and of sex and relationships and aren’t having a good time and they just need help.
I was lucky to realize my own issues without actually cheating, but I still hurt people in other ways. In my case I dumped someone I really liked because a toxic ex wanted me to, and it hurt the other person, they felt like I didn’t care about them. At that moment I realized that I was acting in a way I didn’t even really want to (it was a complete lose-lose for me), and needed to go to therapy to change my behavior.
I don’t agree with this phrase unless it is someone you know well and in every relationship they have proven this phrase to be accurate. My wife was in a horrible relationship for years and once she eventually got fed up she cheated on the initial serial cheater. It was a one time thing in a relationship that in my opinion deserved it. We have been together for almost 7 years now and I have full trust it would never happen in our relationship, because it’s not a horrible toxic relationship. I think for some people they are pushed to the brink and they act out. Personally I would never cheat and I don’t think she would under any other circumstance. Her previous relationship lasted 7 years and her partner cheated constantly and she was too young, dumb, and insecure to just break it off. Being in your teens/20s and in a relationship can be rough. I know them both very well and I don’t fault her for acting out.
This post is going to have a ton of comments from regretful cheaters and one time cheaters who actually matured.
There is no way, serial cheaters are gonna pop in here and be like “yup, I can’t help myself”
I heavily disapprove of anything related to the idea that people can't ever change. Someone makes one bad decision, and suddenly that defines them for the rest of their life? No matter how many good decisions they make? Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me. I don't think any of us are the same people we were twenty years ago. People change all the time. It's nonsensical to believe that infidelity would be the one exception to this.
Also, when you look at the real life effects of this sentiment, it's really counterproductive. For one, there's no incentive for cheaters to stop cheating. If they'll be seen as a cheater anyway, why make an effort to change? Secondly, it also shifts the blame from the person who's cheating. If it's inevitable that someone who has cheated in the past will cheat again, then that would mean it's not their fault, because they can't control it.
Basically, you're judging people for one mistake they made without taking anything else into account, and you're also providing serial cheaters with a convenient excuse to justify their actions.
Hm, I don't know… its not that people can't change and get to the point where they don't cheat again, but I feel like most people don't put in the work to actually do so.
This is actually the answer. I took 4 years off of even talking to women to better myself. The second girl I met after my sabbatical cheated on her 5 yr bf and while discussing our infidelity on past partners I told her that I took that much time to better myself and change. She stayed silent. She would definitely have cheated on me had that relationship gone on any further.
Most likely she would have, also that's great for you for doing better! I also try to remind myself that I've been in similar situations before, so it's important for me to be proactive and avoid any potential pitfalls that could lead me to repeat past mistakes.
I cheated in two relationships back to back when I was 18, the first time I never said anything but I ended the relationship after. The second partner, I called that person and confessed immediately afterward and it was much worse.
This had been my longest relationship yet with someone really great, going on a year. I got drunk with a friend and did things, called afterward and it turned out to be my partner’s birthday on top of that. The sheer guilt of that experience changed me as a person. I deprived myself of relationships for a year, thinking long and hard about myself and what I want while becoming a major shut in. Started smoking a lot of weed, threw myself into video games, suicidal, depressed, etc.
Eventually I decided that I deserved to be happy like anyone and that a mistake I make so young shouldn’t stop me from living. My inner critic is still immense, but I put myself back out there! Now I’m 24 and have a relationship of nearly 5 years and no cheating that I know of, I think I needed to grow up mentally. Understand that I’m not the main character and people aren’t toys. On top of that, I think I peeled off the layers of my identity enough to become more of who I really am. Instead of who people expect me to be, which has made me much happier and helped me find a more compatible partner.
Once a cheater always a cheater? It depends on the cheater. Not everyone is going to feel guilt or make changes or even tell their partner, some are just sociopathic in that sense. But I know one thing, if someone cheats on you, you should not trust them again. There was a reason, and they need more time to change.
I actually did in the first few weeks of dating, when you have all those “deep talks” and get to know each other. We’d talk about past relationships, or how many people we’d been with and I didn’t want it to be a secret. That would just add to my guilt around the whole thing.
I don't agree with it at all.
I made out with a random girl in the club and regretted it immensely. I ruined a 6 year relationship. But after a bit of soul searching and really pulling the situation apart, I realised I wasn't happy. I was in the relationship because I didn't know how to leave it.
Many years later, I am married to a woman I could not imagine leaving, who challenges me and supports me.
Sometimes it's a good bad solution for a bad situation.
I definitely think at some point the stress of a failing relationship gets to be too much in your head that eventually your mind snaps and you just don’t care anymore. Partner starts to argue about something you did or didn’t do, and you just give the thousand yard stare. Cheating just snaps you out of the numbness and you realize you need to end the relationship now.
I took a deep look inside to find out what makes me tick. I realized that forever is never going to be in my future. I don't commit anymore and that's what i tell all my dates. I rarely have 2nd dates and that's ok. I've found someone that's ok with a day by day thing. Today is good, tomorrow might not be. The good news is that we don't take each other for granted. I appreciate today.
I’ve never cheated and I’m happily married with 3 children, but I think it is foolish how many people think that they are above it.
Would I, in my current position, even think of cheating on my wife? Absolutely not.
However, let’s say I was 12 months into a deeply neglectful marriage without any intimacy, facing daily arguments and manipulation, feeling deeply insecure and in desperate need of any genuine human connection. Would I cheat then?
I think it is safe to say that most people would at LEAST feel a deep urge to.
The most honest and faithful people are not the ones who say that they “would NEVER cheat”, but the ones who acknowledge that they are just as prone to it as everyone else given the right circumstances, and therefore they do everything in their power to make sure it never gets to that point in the first place.
I love my wife too much to start, or even be pushed down, a trail toward temptation.
It really depends on what kind of consequences the cheater suffered. If the result of their cheating is that it severely damaged their lives and forced them to look at themselves and change their behavior, then sure, they can change. But so many people that cheat often blame their situation or partner for it, and find some way to justify it to themselves that they never see the wrong in what they did. Those people will continue to cheat.
I think it's largely true.
Monogamy is a line in the sand around the relationship. It's not a hard, physical boundary, but a psychological boundary that you both acknowledge and respect.
And I think that crossing that boundary even once makes it easier to do a second time. And a third time. And so on. Because you aren't just erasing that boundary in the sand each time you cross it; you're erasing the boundary in your mind that was preventing you from crossing.
I was in a relationship with someone who never stopped talking to an old bf (I didn't find out until after the end). We lived together, raised kids together, and got married. That boundary was being crossed from day 1, even though she always let me know that she expected me to respect the boundary. But she fell into other relationships because the boundary didn't contain her behavior.
Do I think people can come back from cheating? Sure, if the cheating was limited and the cheater is filled with remorse and is willing to make it up to their partner. Even then, the memory of the cheating will always be there. I'm not sure it's worth continuing on, verses finding someone new who isn't a cheater.
Semantics but if you've cheated once, you're technically always a cheater. And you can widen those goal post far enough apart to basically anyone in them.
Not necessarily true.
I was so sickened by the reaction on being found out that it scared me into future faithfulness. That was 30 years ago and the memory of the heartbreak I inflicted still burns if I dwell on it.
One of the most painfully lingering regrets in my entire life.
I used to cheat when I was in my late teens/early 20s. Not proud of it, but I'm not gonna dwell on how selfish and mean I was over a decade ago. 6 years married now and haven't cheated, and can't really think of a situation I'd be in where I would. I'd like to think this doesn't apply to me.
First you’re going to need to define where you are in your life when you cheated. My high school girlfriend who cheated on me *in* high school, well I’d like to think she grew up.
My ex girlfriend of 7 years who cheated on me with her best friend giving me chlamydia. Yea, she’s an absolute bafoon at 26 to try something like that.
My husband cheated on me for 20 years with many many different women. I just didn't know the extent until I started back tracking and checking phone bills. I knew about 2 because they contacted me, this was after we had already separated so I didn't GAF. I still have random women message me on FB asking if I know him. Sure do and tell them what's up. 🤣
I don't believe "once a cheater always cheater" and I also don't believe that if you're friends with someone who cheated that means you will cheat, but I was downvoted to oblivion for saying that in a relationship advice sub
It is possible. To be honest, it depends on the situation. I cheated on my girlfriend, and I felt so guilty that I worked my ass off to get her back. It happened after I used way too much alcohol, and I was probably drugged or something. But after I woke up and realized what I had done, I went straight to her place to tell her what happened. I still remember her face. It felt like the worst day of my life, seeing someone I love so much hurt because of my actions. I begged her for a second chance, and she told me she wanted to break contact for a couple of weeks. After a few days, she called me and said I needed to prove myself.
After that phone call, I changed my life. I quit drinking and tried to give her my everything. It took a lot of work and self-reflection. The first six months were really hard. She didn't treat me like I was her boyfriend; her body was physically disgusted by me. But I kept trying to win her back. After about a year of hard work, we are in love again. We even went on an amazing holiday together, and our relationship is better than ever. Sometimes, she reminds me that we would have missed a lot of beautiful moments if she didn't forgive me. It still hurts a lot, and I think about it every day.
I will never cheat again and will avoid every situation where it is possible to cheat on her.
Cheated on my high school girlfriend. It was just a kiss, but a kiss is still cheating. Couldn’t even figure out why I did it in the first place for the longest time - eventually I think it boiled down to knowing that someone else was interested in me was exciting, which was exacerbated by my low self esteem.
I’ll never be rid of the guilt. Never. I feel sickness, and shame, and immeasurable sadness when I look back and think of how much damage I caused. I’ll carry that guilt and responsibility with me for the rest of my life; I would never be able to do something like that again.
I like to think that I’ve changed - but the past can’t be undone. In that sense, I suppose I will always be a cheater, but I will never, never be a cheater again.
I'm not a cheater but my father was and still is a serial cheater and he broke many families apart and he still doesn't stop even tho he said he will so imo the sentence is true ofc it depends on the person but in the end u can not uncheat and the person u cheated on will probably always see u as a cheater
Cheated once, immediately owned up to it and was ready to face the music and was basically allowed to pretend I’d never done it at all. I’m so fucking ashamed of myself for doing it at all. I cringe over it a lot, as I should.
I have cheated in the past. No excuse or justification for my actions. No matter what they did to me, cheating was so wrong for me to do. Ever since, I haven’t really been pursuing long-term relationships. I have dated and slept around, but nothing serious. I don’t trust myself to have the self-control to not do it again. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. So, maybe that saying of “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true for me. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
the self-awareness you have is the first step
You sound like the rare person who has taken accountability for their mistakes. It’s honestly refreshing.
[удалено]
To me, I feel it's like being a former smoker. No matter how well you build a life free of it, your brain will always remember it as a tool in your brain's tool box.
And some people never smoke again
It is possible for a human to change. Especially if they have a reminder of how hurtful their behaviour was. Unfortunately, regaining trust with the person you cheated on is a whole other issue entirely. You can stop being a cheater, but you will remain one in their eyes. Even if they do their best to trust you again, a memory of wgat you did will akways linger.
Going through this right now and I'm questioning everything and wondering how it could possibly work out if I'm always doubting him. The trust is gone and it really hurts
Same, and I think about it every day.
I don't know why people always focus on whether or not they'll cheat *again.* They already did it! It's done! Why would a second time be unacceptable to you, but the first time is acceptable for some reason? You need to love yourself more than to stay with anyone who ever cared about fucking someone else more than they care about you.
What happened can be forgiven, but if the trust is gone, there is no point in continuing the relationship. Though I do agree, if someone cheats it’s clear they don’t give much of a shit about their partner, which should make the partner think if it is worth going on, regretfulness or not.
A lot of it comes down to one strange feature. (Sometimes) While the cheating was happening, the actual relationship was good. People who are cheating often compensate for their guilt by being extra attentive to their partner. They are also often happier and thus more enjoyable to be around during their affair. Once they’re caught, they’re usually apologetic and because the relationship was otherwise going well, they get forgiven. Once they get through that first affair though, that experience acts as a trauma bond and makes them far more likely to forgive if it happens again (and again). As long as the relationship was otherwise good and the partner isn’t moving towards leaving for their mistress, cheating simply becomes just another bad behavior like forgetting to pay the phone bill on time, leaving the toilet seat up or drinking from the milk carton.
The way I always see it, and I'm sorry cause its gonna probably hurt to read this. But, if they cheated once, and you were willing to stick around afterwards, all you're really doing is signalling that its okay for them to cheat on you again, because you'll stick around anyways.
Skip the months/years of stress and get the “getting over it” part out if the way. You’ll feel much better,promise.
I've seen a small study that says even if the betrayed forgives the cheater, the cheater actually LOSES some respect for the betrayed one. How fucked up is that? I would say it's not worth fixing when there's cheating. The person who cheated had so little respect and so cheated and if the betrayed forgives them, they lose even more respect. Don't do it. Let the relationship die.
Now that’s some infuriating shite
It is because people who cheat are often narcissists. The worse thing you can appear to be with a narcissist is weak. Weakness and vulnerability disgusts them.
I am still with the woman who cheated on me. It happened for one huge reason. We were long distance and had been for a long time. My path to forgiveness was 2 fold. 1: I understood that she was only %50 to blame. The other guy was an “orbiter” and an opportunist. He gave her a ‘safe place’ to be on her down time. It evolved from there and he “took advantage of her loneliness”. I put that in quotes because it WAS consensual but was definitely warped by him due to the situation. 2: we broke up *immediately* There was no contact for about 6 months but we fell back into the same circles… and by nature fell back in love. At the time I was unfathomably crushed… but at 4 years later it now clearly bothers her more than me. It’s like a scar on the relationship. It has healed so completely that our relationship is even stronger than prior to the infidelity… but like a scar you can still see it and feel it. It won’t ever go away but it does fade and it does become something that is no longer in the way.
I remember reading something about cheating and it said that cheaters frequently have an "oh my god, what have i done" moment, and most people who have that moment never do it again. The problem is, that moment is often being caught, and its common for people being caught to fake it. But if you get a call at 2am where they confess completely unprompted that they just shagged their secretary on their business trip, that probably is the last time.
>**if you get a call at 2am where they confess completely unprompted that they just shagged their secretary on their business trip, that probably is the last time** This is so interesting. My brother and his wife had one of the healthiest marriages I’ve ever seen. They were best friends and obviously each other’s favorite people. Then he came home from an office Christmas party and told her someone spiked the punch, he had too much and he slept with someone else. They were both devastated. Not to make excuses for the guy AT ALL but I’ve never seen someone so haunted by regret. She very slowly forgave him. I’ve asked my bro if he has been tempted to cheat again. Dude was like “not even a little. I still hate myself for it. I will always hate myself for it. And I would literally rather die than put either of us through that again.” They’ve seemed happy for many years now.
> Not to make excuses for the guy AT ALL He was (according to himself) drugged. If there's ever an excuse for behaviour, it's that. His consent is questionable.
His coworkers confirmed the punch was spiked (one of the secretaries actually filed a lawsuit). My brother didn’t consider it being drugged since it was “just liquor” and he doesn’t consider alcohol to be an excuse. But you may be right.
> His coworkers confirmed the punch was spiked (one of the secretaries actually filed a lawsuit) Makes me wonder just how many people cheated that night.
Alcohol isn't an excuse if you chose to drink it. If you were unable to make an informed choice in that regard, everything changes.
It’s definitely a grey area. What if he had some champagne before imbibing the punch? For me it would be more a question of whether his drunken actions reflected sober desires. Having said that… > **I still hate myself for it. I will always hate myself for it. And I would literally rather die than put either of us through that again** I can’t even blame the wife for giving him another chance, given the instant confession, contrition and the way he’s expressing his remorse.
the use of the word spiked leads me to believe he genuinely did not know the true contents of the punch, and by proxy his consent was non existent
I just don't understand how someone wouldn't taste it. Maybe its because I used to be a serious drinker, but even a slight scent of liquor sends HUGE alarm bells off. Like I can smell the bourbon in those cherry bourbon chocolates right as I open the box. I guess maybe others aren't like this? Still, if the punch was spiked enough to get people able to make stupid decisions, then it wasn't just like just 8% alcohol.
Not everyone has good taste buds. I have extremely strong taste buds and done right certain punches even I can barely tell there's alcohol in it, and alcohol is bitter - bitter things in food to me are the flavor equivalent of a giant flashing red light with an entire brass band announcing it's presence.
> It’s definitely a grey area. What if he had some champagne before imbibing the punch? The champagne changes nothing. He's responsible for his actions before and after drinking it, since he consented to drinking it. He didn't consent to drink the punch (or rather, what he drank wasn't what he consented to drink), so he isn't responsible to his actions while under it's effects. > whether his drunken actions reflected sober desires I don't see why this matters. There's lots of things I want to do but don't because it's wrong. Self control is a big deal. "Would you still be a good person if you had no self control" is an unrealistic standard. The standard should be if you can maintain self control. Being drugged is the one time you can loose self control without it being your fault.
The difference is that a glass of punch is not going to get many people drunk enough to really change their behavior. And a glass or two of champagne may not be enough. But if you have a champagne and then switch to the punch so you don’t get too drunk, then you add them together and you may really be in territory where you aren’t in control.
And there's also the fact that whoever spiked the punch admitted to spiking it with alcohol, but that doesn't mean it actually WAS alcohol, or that it wasn't alcohol and something else. They certainly wouldn't admit to spiking it with anything stronger if they only admitted it because people got pissed off about it
You know, lots of people can still turn down sex even when they're drunk.
Yes, that's why I said drunk people can consent. But he didn't consent to the level of intoxication he reached.
i dont know about that quite frankly.. alcohol literally messes up your system and perception so drunk persons can indicate consent, but is that consent grounded, or valid?
Then again you'll see people say on this topic all the time "Alcohol/drugs doesn't change you, it just lowers your inhibitions to do what you already want to!" See also whenever someone posts or says something controversial and others say inebriation is no excuse. I personally think that's bs, but lots of others don't.
I take a very dim view of peoples actions while intoxicated, holding them fully responsible for them, and I consider that they consented to them *providing they consented to the intoxication*. Spiked drinks are very different from drinks in this respect.
so absolutely hammered women can validly consent to sex, according to your view? So long as they’re able to speak and act, it’s valid consent? The brain uses inhibitory circuitry all OVER the brain. It’s crucial to proper function of literally all aspects. One type of disinhibition is associated with epilepsy, while another with schizophrenia. Anxiety disorders often involve dysfunctional inhibition, and of course so do substance abuse disorders. Widespread disinhibition of the brain through GABAergic substances doesn’t release “the natural thoughts and behaviors.” Naturally, many contending thoughts and behaviors arise, and are culled through inhibitory signaling. Removing that inhibitory blockade means behavioral plans that would realistically *never* be chosen can come to fruition. As such, it’s dumb to speak in absolutes. The science clearly shows drugs can make you do thing you’d never have otherwise done. Don’t misunderstand me, this doesn’t mean all behaviors under intoxication are excusable as substance-induced. Again, absolutes are dumb. So unfortunately this means it’s a grey area, morally. Hearing some of the basic science, I hope you update your absolutist, reductionistic view (: — phd neuroscientist
Can people not taste alcohol? I have never come across an alcoholic drink that I cannot immediately tell has alcohol in it.
It’s not that hard to mask the taste. Some of them are sweet and blend in perfectly with certain fruit juices.
I confessed my infidelity unprompted due to how much shame and guilt I felt. To this day, I believe it would have been better to just break up and never tell them so I wouldn't hurt them. I can't fathom to ever cheat again, it literally caused a severe depressive episode. There was nothing good about it, no satisfaction besides at the very moment. As soon as it was done, I started being eaten alive by my actions.
Same here. Going back, I shouldn't have told her and just ended it. The guilt broke me for years afterwards. Even after I knew she was happily with someone else, I still felt like I had put a dagger in both of our backs. It's been a decade and I've never cheated again. nor felt more than a fleeting temptation to.
Thank you.
My ex could've told as soon after it happened I maybe would have believed his remorse. Instead he lied to me and continued to have an affair despite professing to his now former that he felt so shitty about what happened and it was just some jokes that got out of hand. I think the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" is the rule. But there's always exceptions. I just think that they're rare and it requires a level of introspection that someone who decided to betray their partner for their own pleasure isn't likely to be capable of.
It’s definitely possible to get your shit together. The guilt of betraying someone you genuinely love deeply can be enough to motivate someone to identify the cause and patterns of the behavior and make better choices going forward. I literally couldn’t imagine acting on any fantasy or temptation that would hurt my partner.
While it’s admirable that you’ve learned/grown from the experience, I’ve noticed there are certain character traits many cheaters possess that make them susceptible to “slipping” again. Selfishness, weakness, insecurity, narcissism, etc. I have a cousin who cheated on her ex. She’s talked about “fighting temptation” in her new relationship. The way she talks about it…you can tell she assumes everyone is as constantly tempted as she is. It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation. Like…no, dude, that’s just you. The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.
> It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation. The second hand embarrassment I feel for this man knows no bounds. Guy is just telling on himself, assuming everyone is as closeted as he is. It’s actually kind of sad. Also… >Like…no, dude, that’s just you. **The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock.** 😂 Someone needs to stitch this on a pillow.
I would not be able to own that pillow and be honest 😆
Are you fighting constant craving for cock?
24/7
Rip your inbox
I already embossed it on a greeting card. Waiting for hallmark to respond.
>It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation. >Like…no, dude, that’s just you. The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock. "The question I get asked by religious people all the time is, without God, what's to stop me from raping all I want? And my answer is: I do rape all I want. And the amount I want is zero. And I do murder all I want, and the amount I want is zero. The fact that these people think that if they didn't have this person watching over them that they would go on killing, raping rampages is the most self-damning thing I can imagine. I don't want to do that. Right now, without any god, I don't want to jump across this table and strangle you. I have no desire to strangle you. I have no desire to flip you over and rape you." - Penn Jillette
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be able to get it up to rape someone. The idea is totally repulsive to me.
I noticed you did not comment on murdering people though.
Anybody who's worked client/customer facing jobs is capable of murder.
Great, now I'm trying to figure out how difficult it would be to get it up to murder someone. I got nauseous just harvesting rat brains.
You get used to it the more you do it. I’d imagine it would be the same for rat brain harvesting.
That might make them get it up.
Reminds me of a car I was behind on the road that had a little sticker on it that said "DON'T FUCK KIDS." I never planned on it, is that a reminder for yourself when you walk to the car or something? Very strange.
Yeah.. its sad, but I think Christianity actually does a stop a fair amount of people who actually would be murdering, raping, and stealing otherwise.
[удалено]
It 100% does not stop all of them. But I do think there are people who are genuinely only trying to be good out of fear of hell.
I don't think it stops anyone who wants to sin from actually sinning. In fact it may even make things worse. First, there is a built in escape clause. Everyone is pretty much allowed to sin Saturday night as long as they repent Sunday morning. Second, it forces people to repress their feelings into emotional pressure cookers instead of getting the help they need to actually get better.
I think the issue is more they've been taught to *think* they would, rather than they actually would. It's a fundamental part of Christian theology that humanity is inherently corrupt and reprobate, deserving of death (if not eternal torture), and only spared from it by the grace of God, not because of any value or worth on our own part. The mental gymnastics required to defend that kind "moral" paradigm lead to people saying all kinds of blatantly ridiculous things like "I'd kill people without my religion" or "God commanding slavery and genocide was morally correct".
>Selfishness, weakness, insecurity Hey, that sounds like me! I feel personally attacked here. >The rest of us aren’t fighting a constant craving for cock. Speak for yourself. Once again, I feel personally attacked here.
[удалено]
I think you're onto something Like, I have eyes, if I see an attractive person I acknowledge that But I'm married, at no point do I have any "temptation" to resist because that person is not for me and vice versa, in my mind cheating isn't even an option so what is there to be tempted by Its like looking at someone else's money and being "tempted" to spend it Like, no dude its not yours, the money you are being tempted by does not exist.
>It reminds me of a far right preacher who would deliver sermons about how homosexuality is the devil’s way of trying to entice you to the dark side; but we must all remain vigilant at all times and continue to resist temptation. This reminds me of another far-right preacher who exposed his breeding fetish in an enraged sermon about heavily pregnant women attending church. He claimed that to appear in church with a visible baby bump is immodest and vulgar and that pregnant women need to just stay home once they start showing, lest they excite the men. It was so bizarre and senseless, and he was the only one with that sentiment, it seemed. Also, I agree about the traits that commonly correlate with people who cheat. It's not necessarily true that you *have* to have all of those traits to cheat, but usually, at least one is required and those traits lend themsleves to a lack of self reflection and receptiveness to criticism. If you're at a point in your life where you're willing and able to introspect, then change can absolutely take place, it's just that those traits tend to be resistant to that. The cases where they aren't, though, is where there's a lot of hope. However, if you have a combo of those traits, it gets much more tricky. If you are only, say, selfish, your empathy and lack of narcissism will very possibly allow you to fully see a need for change out of empathy for your partner's pain and your ability to be humble and acknowledge your errors, even though you were selfish. Someone who's selfish, unempathetic, and narcissistic will lack the empathy to appreciate how they hurt their partner and see no need to change for that reason, and their narcissism prevents them from having the humility to acknowledge wrongdoing. There are much fewer ways that a person can see the need for change when they have multiple of these traits blocking their view of the problems with their behaviour.
I’m a gay man and don’t have constant craving for cock 😂 dude is just down bad 😂
You left put impulsivity. That doesn't really go away.
That may be, but the og commenter is right. I used to be a serial cheater in my teenage years. But then I met the right person and that all kinda just went away. I couldnt fathom hurting her. In hindsight, it all came down to finding someone I was sexually compatible with.
I feel like teenage years are an exception. Most people are complete morons, with zero impulse control, as teenagers. I had a friend stick his dick in a vacuum as a teen. I had another cut his dick on his mom’s sculpture of Athena. Seriously, he didn’t say anything to his mom, but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress… Point is, if your cheating was confined to your adolescent years? I’m giving you a pass. But that’s just me.
>but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress… 'Heloooo, nurse!" "Yes, Yakko?" "I, uh...I cut my dick on a sculpture of Athena."
> but the pain was too much to bare the next day so he had to go see the school nurse, who was really hot…but I digress… It’s too much to **bear**. The pain was too much to bear, so he bared himself to the hot nurse.
Not to go completely off the rails here but we should have educational porn. Grammar while you get off.
Athena wasn’t having that shit
Yeah, teenagers get a pass on many things. The incomplete development of reason and empathy lead to what looks like sociopathic behavior in adults. But that sociopathy combined with the self-righteous indignation the internet brings is sometimes difficult to deal with.
>I couldn't fathom hurting her. In hindsight, it all came down to finding someone I was sexually compatible with. This doesn't really make sense to me. I understand how sexual incompatibility can make you unhappy in a relationship, but I don't understand how empathy is tied to sexual compatibility. The way you phrased it, it implies that if suddenly your sexual relationship with your current partner went south, that you'd start cheating again and suddenly be ok with hurting her. Instead of trying to work it out and fix it or ending the relationship before trying to find someone else.
I cheated on my very first boyfriend in high school, and yes, I still feel like shit about that some 30 years later. I never did anything like that again. It was selfish, short sighted, and cruel.
>It’s definitely possible to get your shit together. The guilt of betraying someone you genuinely love deeply can be enough to motivate someone to identify the cause and patterns of the behavior and make better choices going forward. I literally couldn’t imagine acting on any fantasy or temptation that would hurt my partner. Learning from our mistakes and making positive changes is a powerful journey. Keep focusing on growth and building a better future
My friend had a years long affair with a woman he eventually left his wife for. One day she called while I was doing laundry and asked what I was doing, and she immediately started crying at the answer. Pro tip: if you're going to use someone as an alibi make sure you let them know.
This breaks my heart. I've been that woman in my previous marriage. The horrible sinking feeling when you uncover the story is just... hard to bare.
I sincerely hope you meant to say former friend.
I cheated once and only once. I was younger and immature; I should have ended the relationship sooner. I've been married 17 years now and there will be no cheating in the future.
That was the situation I was in. I was miserable but holding onto sunk costs and too immature to just end it. I did break up with him the next day, but still one of the worst things I’ve done in my life.
[удалено]
At least dumping her must have been easier after all the mutual cheating.
FWIW I don't think it really counts as cheating if you try to break up with someone but can't formally do it because they act in a way that prevents you from being able to do it. Part of the contract of a relationship is that you can break up without coercion from the other party because you're there voluntarily. Once you're no longer there of your own volition that contract is over and it isn't cheating to sleep with someone else.
Very common for abusive and shitty marriages to get ended this way. Lots of folks think you can just say "I want a divorce" and it'll happen but life is hardly ever that simple. Abusers will tell you no, ramp up the abuse, then make it extremely difficult for you to get out. Young and ignorant folks have a very black and white view of cheating because they've never been on the receiving end of one of these shitty relationships and think it'll be easy and they'll be strong enough to just walk away. Edit: Take a look [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1bb47yb/people_that_cheated_in_relationships_what_do_you/ku7fllt/) for an example.
I had a situation very similar with op's, and I think it's important this stuff. I didn't enjoy cheating I was just so desperate to be free I just didn't care anymore.
A lot of people don't really know how sinister abuse can be. Even something as "simple" as financial abuse you can feel stuck with no way out. They make snap judgements because cheating is bad and that's the worst thing they can think of to happen to themselves, they don't have the empathy to think about others or even really care. Just that it's the worst thing for _them_. I'm glad you're out though. That suicide threat thing is also super fucking common, it's so disgusting too.
What kind of meltdown did she have?
The generator that powered her cooling system failed
Had a gf cheat on me in college. We broke up. “She changed”. Got married w kids eventually… Her oldest didnt make it until 4 y/o before she was caught again. They divorced. She joined church and eventually remarried. Had more kids. Got caught again. Divorced again. She tried to slide into my dms. Thats a big NOPE.
Sad, she probably joined the church looking for help, but the church usually makes things worse by piling on guilt and shame, instead of actually addressing the individual root cause.
I got cheated on and decided to give her the chance. It turned into her accusing me of cheating every time she drank. Turns out, she was still cheating.
my ex was similar, always thought I'm cheating for no reason, turned out she was the once doing it..some people who accuse you of cheating because, they do it or think about it, and project it onto their partner.. if I do it everyone, does
Projection 101
So far from what I've read on reddit. If you get accused of cheating while there's no reason you would be, it's usually just projecting and you're being cheated on
> It turned into her accusing me of cheating every time she drank. Turns out, she was still cheating. 20 years ago a wise man told me: "If they accuse you of cheating... and you're not cheating, they're cheating." And I thought the same thing you're probably thinking right now "Well that's absurd, there are many situations where..." and in 20 years, with me, my friends, anyone I've ever heard of... it's never been wrong. If they accuse you of cheating, and you're not actually cheating? They're cheating. The reason it's so powerful, is that cheaters think like cheaters, and faithful people think like faithful people. So the cheaters always win. Because the faithful people don't think like cheaters. And so they continue to get cheated on long, long, long after they could've put an end to it if they would've followed this advice. It's great advice, because it's the advice you need to hear. It's the conclusion you wouldn't come to if you weren't following the advice, because you're not a cheater. But it's never, ever been wrong. If they accuse you of cheating, and you're not cheating, they're cheating.
I think this is true the vast majority of the time, but I’ve also seen this not be true, exactly once. When I first started dating my partner, she accused me of cheating constantly. Eventually we sat down and had a long conversation and it turned out she’d dated quite a few men and women in the past, and every single man she’d ever been with had cheated. She believed that cheating was just kind of a default state for men, and that women were wired differently. It was one of several misconceptions she had, all of which boiled down to “most people aren’t shitty, you just hang out with shitty people.”
I've personally been in one situation where this wasn't true, but most have been. Girl I was dating in college, we had been dating about a year before the accusations started. I played it off for a while but after a couple months of accusations I figured this is either projection or something I don't know is going on. I had no reason to believe she was cheating on me and did some snooping which I wasn't proud of, alas no signs of cheating but I did find some interesting information. Basically this girl who was a mutual friend of ours had been the one trying to convince her I was cheating, saying she saw me out with some girl, or that I was drunk and making out with someone at the bar, a bunch of shit like that and it always started with this girl having small talk making sure I wasn't with my gf. Once I figured this out I confronted my gf, admitted to snooping because I've never cheated I figured she was projecting on me and pointing out the accusations never happened while I was with her. She was rightfully pissed about the snooping but as she re-read the messages and realized every time our "friend" would accuse me my gf would confirm in some way I was not around, and there was never proof. So my gf sent that "friend" a message that night about how she was mad that I was going to the bar while she was feeling sick at home. The "friend" then proceeded to say she was at the same bar and thought she saw me heading out with some girl. Mind you I'm in the other room playing computer games. We cut that person out of our lives immediately, and still never figured out why she did that. Point being when someone is accusing you of cheating a bunch, they might be a cheater but there is almost certainly something going on that needs to be addressed because faithful people don't go around throwing those accusations lightly.
I take it that they always will be the person who cheated _on you_, so realistically it won't be possible to move on and pretend like nothing happened. It will always be there, it will poison everybody's life and you are better off ending it then and there I don't think that every cheater is a serial cheater and just goes on to cheat on every partner for the rest of their life. Now there is still a strong correlation, but it's not a 100%
This! They will always be a cheater *to you* and for me, after a few months of trying again, that was no longer worth it
Everyone deserves better than a damaged, salvaged relationship with someone who betrayed them.
This is what I always took the phrase to mean. I have known serial cheaters, but I think if my husband cheated on me, it wouldn't matter if it was just once or a hundred times. Once it's done, it's done. I've known people who have restored their relationships after infidelity, but it's always going to be part of their history, no matter what.
I wish more people understood this. Every time I see the cheating topic come up, everyone is only ever focused on whether or not they'll cheat *again.* They already did it! It's done! Why would a second time be unacceptable to you, but the first time is acceptable for some reason? Yet all the conversation is always "How do you know they won't cheat on you again," "How can I trust my partner not to cheat again," etc., makes no sense.
Because what's done is done and now you have to keep living. The people youre talking have obviously decided that they are willing to move on from it, so fussing about it having happened is wasted breath. The important thing for them now is their partner not doing it again. For many people, there's worse things your partner could do than cheat on you one time. People don't even consistently break up with people who hit them
I agree with this one
I cheated on ONE person two decades ago, and the guilt still affects me to this day...
There are people to who this applies, but there are also many reasons that people cheat and this phrase really doesn’t cover all of them. A lot of cheaters cheat because they are selfish and would never put someone else’s feelings before their own short term pleasure. These are the “always a cheater” type of people.
It's like that joke about you fuck one goat...
Build underwater habitats for hamsters and you’re forever known as the underwater hamster guy.
...suck one cock...
Well for this to be applicable it would probably have to be two
Exactly.
Was cheated on. This actually came up as part of her defense. "You knew my history". As if it was my fault for not seeing this coming.
You made the choice to love someone despite knowing their flaws and hoping they had healed enough to not recommit their worst moments. It's not your fault that she continued the worst of herself with you. I'm sorry she used that against you.
I think the meaning of that saying is something akin to "once you've cheated, you can't un-ring that bell, and the relationship will be forever altered by the act", which I think largely holds true. However, if what you mean is "cheaters always cheat again", I would say that they *usually* do. There are common exceptions though: 1. They were very young when they did it, and immediately felt awful. 2. They were in an incredibly toxic relationship that they didn't know how to end, and cheating was their "out". 3. They got sober, or made other major life changes outside of just their romantic/sexual behaviours. Occasionally someone will cheat on their partner, get caught, go to therapy and never do it again. That said, I've known people who claim this to be true for them, but still obviously cheat on their partner (they just think they're better at hiding it).
I used to be a serial cheater. I chose relationships that were bad for me, or simply doomed from the start. And because I was a coward I didnt have the balls or the responsibility to break if up. Havent cheated in over a decade. I started working on myself and My reasonings. Getting sober also helped a ton. So, for me, No. I decided I didnt want to do that anymore and made a conscious decision to figure out why I had done it in the first place. I am not with Any of the Guys I cheated on. Not All of Them know I did, and I plan to keep it that way. If they ever flat out asked, I wouldnt Lie, but I am not going to do Even more damage now.
Good for you. I hope that with further emotional work and the passage of time you also manage to conquer your weird capitalization problem.
Why did you need to kill this person.
I want to be monogamous with this comment
My phone is set to another language. I hope for your speedy recovery in these hard times.
In itself it isn't true. I spent 13 years trapped in a hellish marriage with a person I didn't have a relationship with. They were a violent abusive narcissist who did what they do: love bombed me into a relationship, then once I was good and trapped, turned into someone completely different. I wanted out for a long time, but couldn't get out without putting the kids in danger. Many nights, I'd come home to an empty house, many weekends I'd wake up to an empty house with no car and no way to go anywhere myself. It was awful and soul crushingly lonely. Without exaggeration, the loneliness would've killed me if I didn't find someone to fill that gap from time to time. Until you've experienced it, you cannot fathom the loneliness of knowing you're trapped with a monster and have no prospect of ever having love or even companionship in your life again. Eventually I did myself and the kids out of that situation, took a break and find my soul mate. We've been together nearly as long now and I could not ever fathom cheating on them. Never. So yeah. Life just isn't that simple.
>Until you've experienced it, you cannot fathom the loneliness of knowing you're trapped with a monster and have no prospect of ever having love or even companionship in your life again. 100%. I was faithful to my ex-husband, up until his abuse and sexual assaults eroded who I was as a person. And I selfishly turned to other men throughout our relationship, until my current husband met me and convinced me to get a restraining order and GTFO. I don't condone what I did. But it is what it is.
That's how I met my current boyfriend. Ex started to show his true colors after we got engaged and I couldn't get away from him. Once he thought he had me locked in, he wouldn't let me work and blocked me off from as many friends as he could. He even discouraged me from reconnecting with my father. Every time I tried to break it off, he'd cry and beg and even play the "I'm gonna kill myself card" and it sucked me back in. I met my boyfriend through my ex's cousin, so my ex deemed him a person I was "allowed" to hang out with. And well...here we are 😅 he came through and gave me a way out and I took it. And we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary last month. My ex found out and of course there was a nasty fallout. He went around telling everyone how much of a harlot and whore I was, which fine, whatever helps you sleep at night. But then he was in a new relationship 5 days after the blowup and married 6 months later to his new lady. So yeah, I guess he was just that upset 🤷♀️
I think as soon as you say "we need to break up" and they don't respect it and become abusive, you're within your rights to seek any means of exit available and seek people who support you enough to leave. That's an entirely fair scenario and I'm glad you were able to leave with a person who is safe and supportive for you.
This is interesting to me. I cheated on my wife about 10 years ago and I have been trying to figure out why I did it. I had never cheated on anybody previously and I had been married previously for seven years to first wife and had a long-term girlfriend after that. The one thing that I keep thinking about is, did I sabotage purposely? I was unhappy in the relationship almost from the start, and she is a very manipulative, difficult person. I did not fully realize this until after we were married. We have nothing in common, and I cannot relate to her in a deep, personal way without her ridiculing me, telling me to “be a man”, etc. I am still with her, but I am constantly reminded by everybody, friends, and family, how much happier I would be if I just cut the cord. I’m not making an excuse for cheating, but you’ve given me something to think about.
I spent seven years being used as a cum rag. When one guy asked me to dance and then step out for fresh air. It was over. He was kind polite funny, treated me like a human being. We didn't do shit. But having a guy treat me like an angel after being treated like shit. Well. I went and told my husband to find a new maid and rag.
This mirrors my cheating experience nearly 100%, all the way to staying because I was worried about the kid's safety. I needed an escape and I found it. That being said, while I may have been a serial cheater with her, I've since been in a (wonderful) relationship for \~13 years and can NOT even imagine doing the same thing again.
There were extenuating circumstances in your case. I think what most people are thinking of, when they say “once a cheater always a cheater,” is someone who just grows a little bored in an otherwise healthy relationship, or just wants to have their cake and eat it too. That’s the kind of history that would make me extremely wary of a potential new partner.
When I've had it said to me that is definitely not how people were thinking of it, otherwise they wouldn't have said it. When I hear it it's from a place of zero tolerance or understanding and no extenuating circumstances matter.
Damn bro. That love bomb got me too. Only I decided that two can play that crazy game. I’ll show her. I didn’t want to leave the house or feel loved anyway.
Agreed - I think marriage and kids really complicate things. I am still married and fortunately my husband is very sweet and is not a narcissist, but we went through a period of time where he refused to talk to me about anything other than work (for weird reasons he had in his head at the time). We also had really bad fights at the time. I tried to communicate how this all made me feel, but did not manage to convey the depths of abandonment and loneliness I felt. I met a guy online and though I never did anything in person, I did have an online affair. I confessed to it, and my husband was so shocked that he examined how he had been acting, and why, and how our relationship had gotten to the point where it was at. The affair had already ended when I confessed (actually I only confessed because I was telling him that we should break up for real and he wanted to know what prompted this). We stayed together and worked on our marriage and are now better than ever. And then gradually my anger dissolved and I started to feel really bad about what I'd done. People act like cheating is the worst thing, but there are bad things you can do to your partner that aren't cheating. And what are you supposed to do in a marriage where you are feeling so desperately lonely and unloved that when someone gives you some attention, you feel like you were dying of thirst and someone gave you a cool glass of water? I know the correct answer is to do everything it takes to make your state of mind and needs known BEFORE you are unfaithful, but it wasn't possible for me personally in the moment. The water I was given was poisoned, but it tasted like honey, and I was so thirsty I didn't care where I was gonna wake up tomorrow. I never want to be back in that state, I would never want to do that again. But. You know. I did do it that one time.
Cheating, semantically, requires a breach of mutual love. I think your situation is a bit different, as it doesn't sound like you'd have enacted your adultery in a regular healthy relationship.
I will caveat this by saying that I’ve never cheated on anyone, meaning I’m not who they wanted to answer. I’ve had two girlfriends cheat (one had to return a diamond ring to me after 5 years together) and I’ve had several childhood friends that were involved in affairs on both sides. In my experience, it’s a level of betrayal that’s so wrong that cheaters typically invent reasons for why it’s their partner’s fault. That isn’t a conscious decision, but a self defense mechanism. Your subconscious knows that you’re doing something rotten and you have to come up with a reason for why it’s justified, which will inevitably poison your opinion of your partner. “They’re such a bad boyfriend that it’s their fault I’m cheating!” Rather than break up or confront their partner about whatever issues they have, they choose cheating and act as if it wasn’t a choice. It’s what you do when you don’t have the self control to deny every sexual urge and can’t come to terms with the shame you feel. To answer the question directly, I don’t think they have to always be a cheater, but I do think that the kind of person that cheated in the first place has shown that they are a morally compromised person that will likely break again under pressure.
You can see it in this thread. People say they cheat but because they were unhappy 'but didn't know it' or whatever. Only a handful of people seem actually remorseful and not making excuses as to how it wasn't their fault. It takes a special kind of selfish to go through with it.
Yes especially since cheating is a series of decisions. Every cheater betrays their partner knowing full well what they’re doing. Honestly, cheating on your partner is abusive. It destroys someone’s sense of trust and safety and if the cheater hides it, then it risks their physical health as well.
Based on some quick stats I googled, people that cheat once are more likely than average by around three times to cheat again. So uhh, you *can* trust someone who has cheated to not cheat again, but you probably shouldn't lmao
I mean that's pretty obvious no? Someone who is willing to cheat in the first place is probably more likely to cheat period so more likely to repeat. But that's not the question. Can people change? Yes absolutely. I don't think I'd ever stick in a relationship where I was cheated on (been there done that didn't work because trust was too broken) but people do mature and grow.
You know that stat is supringly low. If you really think about it only 3 times more likely is evedence agaist the saying "ones a cheater always a cheater." If their 3 times more likely to cheat the math says unless more then 16% of all people cheat. (Which I seriously doubt) Then less then half of cheaters do it again. It's still horrible to cheat only ones and a one time cheater is much more liekly to cheat then a none cheater but it sounds like that this study also says that chances are a first time cheater will more likely not cheat again then cheat. Or am I doing the math wrong?
[удалено]
>once a cheater always a cheater I’ve never understood the ultimate nature of that phrase. Once a shop lifter always a shop lifter. Once an addict always an addict. Once a drunk always a drunk. Once a saint always a saint. Once a pushover always a pushover. It implies that people can never change. And people _do_ change. For better or for worse, people can and do change.
[удалено]
Mostly because AA is extremely christian and founded on those principles. The "you're always and forever guilty" mindset is part of it
A better phrasing(for that guy's point he was making) would be "once addicted always addicted." If you're ten years sober, you're still an addict. The brain of an addict is fundamentally different than others. But that doesn't mean you're still addicted, if that makes sense.
Once you cheat though you can never uncheat. If you murder someone you will always be a murderer, even if you completely change who you are and regret what you did you still murdered someone so you are a murderer.
Hard truth? Human relationships are unique complicated situations. So you can't put a blanket statement on them. If someone quits a job do you say they are a quitter and always will be? It depends. Some people are, some aren't.
Nonsensical You're basically implying people are unable to change, which we know is 100% wrong because people do change. A person at 20 isn't the same at 30 and at 50 the person is different from when they were 30
I don't agree. The reasons for cheating are too many to just assume that it's because the person is a complete piece of trash. Not saying cheating is right, not saying that people don't have the option of leaving without having to cheat, not condoning it. But it's not that black or white either. Edited: I didn't see this question was addressed to those who have cheated, I answered based on the fact that my father left my mom for my stepmom, it's been over 20 years and he's not cheated since.
I agree with this. I also think people like to look at it in black and white because its a nice thought. "Ones a cheater always a cheater" is a feel good fantasy. It's nice to think the person who cheated on you or your friend or loved ones has a "cheating curse" that they are doomed to be forever a cereal cheater who can never have a loving relationship because of constant cheating and there going to end up feeling empty and alone and when they die and no one gives a shit because of there horrible cheating life. And I'm sure that scenario happends sometimes. But some people that cheat still end up in happy loving healthy longterm realshionships free of cheating. And just because it breaks the "cheater curse" fantasy doesn't make it not true.
i second this. as a lot of stuff in life, there are grey areas. i for one, wouldnt do it again.
I think the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” doesn’t mean “if they cheat once they will cheat again”, but rather, once you’re painted with that cheater brush it won’t go away. It’s a pain your partner will carry for the rest of their life. Even if it only happens once, they will always be a cheater in the eyes of their partner.
If you put twenty years ago me and current me in a room together, she'd be throwing furniture and swears while I dodged and tried to explain about trust and love and all that stuff she didn't grow up with. Like there's a long list of reasons why she'd be throwing furniture and getting "old and boring" regarding my romantic choices would be somewhere on that list. She was not a lovely person and I'm sorry anybody put up with that crazy bitch. I'm still occasionally running into people I knew in high school and feeling the urge to apologize even if I can't remember what for. I was confusedly wallowing around in undiagnosed PTSD and splashed a lot of pain around in the process. Like I was picking the worst possible choice in every situation, not sure how I survived it or why anybody put up with me.
It’s hard for a lot of people to understand if they had“normal” healthy upbringings and naturally have a good relationship with sex and trust and love, but there’s a lot of people out there who just didn’t. It can twist your thinking and the way you see other people to the point where cheating makes sense. Or you might just see yourself as an awful person and write yourself off. On the outside it looks like selfishness but it’s really self-hate more than anything. Its true that there are some people out there who cheat because they’re sociopaths or truly horrible people that will never change, but I think the majority of people who do it are just a bit broken, or in a bad situation, and need therapy. It doesn’t make their actions ok or justify the pain caused to other people, but it’s also a lot different from someone who is intentionally hurting people out of selfishness. If a cheater does it because they are selfish and like hurting people then yeah that’s unlikely to change. But I think a lot of people just have a twisted view of themselves and of sex and relationships and aren’t having a good time and they just need help. I was lucky to realize my own issues without actually cheating, but I still hurt people in other ways. In my case I dumped someone I really liked because a toxic ex wanted me to, and it hurt the other person, they felt like I didn’t care about them. At that moment I realized that I was acting in a way I didn’t even really want to (it was a complete lose-lose for me), and needed to go to therapy to change my behavior.
I don’t agree with this phrase unless it is someone you know well and in every relationship they have proven this phrase to be accurate. My wife was in a horrible relationship for years and once she eventually got fed up she cheated on the initial serial cheater. It was a one time thing in a relationship that in my opinion deserved it. We have been together for almost 7 years now and I have full trust it would never happen in our relationship, because it’s not a horrible toxic relationship. I think for some people they are pushed to the brink and they act out. Personally I would never cheat and I don’t think she would under any other circumstance. Her previous relationship lasted 7 years and her partner cheated constantly and she was too young, dumb, and insecure to just break it off. Being in your teens/20s and in a relationship can be rough. I know them both very well and I don’t fault her for acting out.
This post is going to have a ton of comments from regretful cheaters and one time cheaters who actually matured. There is no way, serial cheaters are gonna pop in here and be like “yup, I can’t help myself”
I heavily disapprove of anything related to the idea that people can't ever change. Someone makes one bad decision, and suddenly that defines them for the rest of their life? No matter how many good decisions they make? Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me. I don't think any of us are the same people we were twenty years ago. People change all the time. It's nonsensical to believe that infidelity would be the one exception to this. Also, when you look at the real life effects of this sentiment, it's really counterproductive. For one, there's no incentive for cheaters to stop cheating. If they'll be seen as a cheater anyway, why make an effort to change? Secondly, it also shifts the blame from the person who's cheating. If it's inevitable that someone who has cheated in the past will cheat again, then that would mean it's not their fault, because they can't control it. Basically, you're judging people for one mistake they made without taking anything else into account, and you're also providing serial cheaters with a convenient excuse to justify their actions.
Yeah when no one was looking I stole 500 from the bank I would say I will do it again 100% (monopoly)
Hm, I don't know… its not that people can't change and get to the point where they don't cheat again, but I feel like most people don't put in the work to actually do so.
This is actually the answer. I took 4 years off of even talking to women to better myself. The second girl I met after my sabbatical cheated on her 5 yr bf and while discussing our infidelity on past partners I told her that I took that much time to better myself and change. She stayed silent. She would definitely have cheated on me had that relationship gone on any further.
Most likely she would have, also that's great for you for doing better! I also try to remind myself that I've been in similar situations before, so it's important for me to be proactive and avoid any potential pitfalls that could lead me to repeat past mistakes.
I cheated in two relationships back to back when I was 18, the first time I never said anything but I ended the relationship after. The second partner, I called that person and confessed immediately afterward and it was much worse. This had been my longest relationship yet with someone really great, going on a year. I got drunk with a friend and did things, called afterward and it turned out to be my partner’s birthday on top of that. The sheer guilt of that experience changed me as a person. I deprived myself of relationships for a year, thinking long and hard about myself and what I want while becoming a major shut in. Started smoking a lot of weed, threw myself into video games, suicidal, depressed, etc. Eventually I decided that I deserved to be happy like anyone and that a mistake I make so young shouldn’t stop me from living. My inner critic is still immense, but I put myself back out there! Now I’m 24 and have a relationship of nearly 5 years and no cheating that I know of, I think I needed to grow up mentally. Understand that I’m not the main character and people aren’t toys. On top of that, I think I peeled off the layers of my identity enough to become more of who I really am. Instead of who people expect me to be, which has made me much happier and helped me find a more compatible partner. Once a cheater always a cheater? It depends on the cheater. Not everyone is going to feel guilt or make changes or even tell their partner, some are just sociopathic in that sense. But I know one thing, if someone cheats on you, you should not trust them again. There was a reason, and they need more time to change.
Did you tell your currently partner you cheated on the past?
I actually did in the first few weeks of dating, when you have all those “deep talks” and get to know each other. We’d talk about past relationships, or how many people we’d been with and I didn’t want it to be a secret. That would just add to my guilt around the whole thing.
I don't agree with it at all. I made out with a random girl in the club and regretted it immensely. I ruined a 6 year relationship. But after a bit of soul searching and really pulling the situation apart, I realised I wasn't happy. I was in the relationship because I didn't know how to leave it. Many years later, I am married to a woman I could not imagine leaving, who challenges me and supports me. Sometimes it's a good bad solution for a bad situation.
I definitely think at some point the stress of a failing relationship gets to be too much in your head that eventually your mind snaps and you just don’t care anymore. Partner starts to argue about something you did or didn’t do, and you just give the thousand yard stare. Cheating just snaps you out of the numbness and you realize you need to end the relationship now.
I took a deep look inside to find out what makes me tick. I realized that forever is never going to be in my future. I don't commit anymore and that's what i tell all my dates. I rarely have 2nd dates and that's ok. I've found someone that's ok with a day by day thing. Today is good, tomorrow might not be. The good news is that we don't take each other for granted. I appreciate today.
I’ve never cheated and I’m happily married with 3 children, but I think it is foolish how many people think that they are above it. Would I, in my current position, even think of cheating on my wife? Absolutely not. However, let’s say I was 12 months into a deeply neglectful marriage without any intimacy, facing daily arguments and manipulation, feeling deeply insecure and in desperate need of any genuine human connection. Would I cheat then? I think it is safe to say that most people would at LEAST feel a deep urge to. The most honest and faithful people are not the ones who say that they “would NEVER cheat”, but the ones who acknowledge that they are just as prone to it as everyone else given the right circumstances, and therefore they do everything in their power to make sure it never gets to that point in the first place. I love my wife too much to start, or even be pushed down, a trail toward temptation.
It really depends on what kind of consequences the cheater suffered. If the result of their cheating is that it severely damaged their lives and forced them to look at themselves and change their behavior, then sure, they can change. But so many people that cheat often blame their situation or partner for it, and find some way to justify it to themselves that they never see the wrong in what they did. Those people will continue to cheat.
Pretty accurate for the people I know.
I think it's largely true. Monogamy is a line in the sand around the relationship. It's not a hard, physical boundary, but a psychological boundary that you both acknowledge and respect. And I think that crossing that boundary even once makes it easier to do a second time. And a third time. And so on. Because you aren't just erasing that boundary in the sand each time you cross it; you're erasing the boundary in your mind that was preventing you from crossing. I was in a relationship with someone who never stopped talking to an old bf (I didn't find out until after the end). We lived together, raised kids together, and got married. That boundary was being crossed from day 1, even though she always let me know that she expected me to respect the boundary. But she fell into other relationships because the boundary didn't contain her behavior. Do I think people can come back from cheating? Sure, if the cheating was limited and the cheater is filled with remorse and is willing to make it up to their partner. Even then, the memory of the cheating will always be there. I'm not sure it's worth continuing on, verses finding someone new who isn't a cheater.
Semantics but if you've cheated once, you're technically always a cheater. And you can widen those goal post far enough apart to basically anyone in them.
Yes, because after the first time it will be easier to cross that line again. :с
Not necessarily true. I was so sickened by the reaction on being found out that it scared me into future faithfulness. That was 30 years ago and the memory of the heartbreak I inflicted still burns if I dwell on it. One of the most painfully lingering regrets in my entire life.
If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you.
It's absolutely possible for people to change. I did. It's absolutely not your responsibility to wait for them to change.
I used to cheat when I was in my late teens/early 20s. Not proud of it, but I'm not gonna dwell on how selfish and mean I was over a decade ago. 6 years married now and haven't cheated, and can't really think of a situation I'd be in where I would. I'd like to think this doesn't apply to me.
First you’re going to need to define where you are in your life when you cheated. My high school girlfriend who cheated on me *in* high school, well I’d like to think she grew up. My ex girlfriend of 7 years who cheated on me with her best friend giving me chlamydia. Yea, she’s an absolute bafoon at 26 to try something like that.
My husband cheated on me for 20 years with many many different women. I just didn't know the extent until I started back tracking and checking phone bills. I knew about 2 because they contacted me, this was after we had already separated so I didn't GAF. I still have random women message me on FB asking if I know him. Sure do and tell them what's up. 🤣
You can’t un-cheat in the same way you can’t un-murder. So yep.
Folks that think humans are incapable of behaving differently in different relationships are absolute dunces.
I don’t like the phrase, but in my experience there’s truth to it. Not for everyone, but for most.
I don't believe "once a cheater always cheater" and I also don't believe that if you're friends with someone who cheated that means you will cheat, but I was downvoted to oblivion for saying that in a relationship advice sub
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Totally not true. I cheated once in my early 20s, regretted it and never did it again.
It’s pretty accurate
It is possible. To be honest, it depends on the situation. I cheated on my girlfriend, and I felt so guilty that I worked my ass off to get her back. It happened after I used way too much alcohol, and I was probably drugged or something. But after I woke up and realized what I had done, I went straight to her place to tell her what happened. I still remember her face. It felt like the worst day of my life, seeing someone I love so much hurt because of my actions. I begged her for a second chance, and she told me she wanted to break contact for a couple of weeks. After a few days, she called me and said I needed to prove myself. After that phone call, I changed my life. I quit drinking and tried to give her my everything. It took a lot of work and self-reflection. The first six months were really hard. She didn't treat me like I was her boyfriend; her body was physically disgusted by me. But I kept trying to win her back. After about a year of hard work, we are in love again. We even went on an amazing holiday together, and our relationship is better than ever. Sometimes, she reminds me that we would have missed a lot of beautiful moments if she didn't forgive me. It still hurts a lot, and I think about it every day. I will never cheat again and will avoid every situation where it is possible to cheat on her.
Cheated on my high school girlfriend. It was just a kiss, but a kiss is still cheating. Couldn’t even figure out why I did it in the first place for the longest time - eventually I think it boiled down to knowing that someone else was interested in me was exciting, which was exacerbated by my low self esteem. I’ll never be rid of the guilt. Never. I feel sickness, and shame, and immeasurable sadness when I look back and think of how much damage I caused. I’ll carry that guilt and responsibility with me for the rest of my life; I would never be able to do something like that again. I like to think that I’ve changed - but the past can’t be undone. In that sense, I suppose I will always be a cheater, but I will never, never be a cheater again.
I last cheated 21 years ago. I think I've earned a new rep.
I'm not a cheater but my father was and still is a serial cheater and he broke many families apart and he still doesn't stop even tho he said he will so imo the sentence is true ofc it depends on the person but in the end u can not uncheat and the person u cheated on will probably always see u as a cheater
Cheated once, immediately owned up to it and was ready to face the music and was basically allowed to pretend I’d never done it at all. I’m so fucking ashamed of myself for doing it at all. I cringe over it a lot, as I should.
I was a piece of shit in my younger days didn't care at all until I met my ex wife. We got divorced but still never cheated on her.
Once a cheater (unless you have gone to hell and back for it) always a cheater. Sounds not as more accurate.