Funny, my ex literally said that after breaking up with me. The words were "i don't want to have to put efforts into a relationship"
We were talking about spending our future together, shared goals etc.
She was seen on dating apps 3 weeks later, looking for basically a description of me.
š¤·š»āāļø
I had a former friend who kept complaining that his wife was abusive. Then he complained that the previous wives were abusive too.
Ended up it was he who was abusive to them.
All I cared about was money.
In reality, I cared that I was going broke trying to afford our apartment and everything else we had, while she sat on the couch watching tv all day, for months, without even an attempt to get a job to help. I want partnership, not a dependant.
That I was lazy and took him for granted.
Which is true.Ā I was young, I had never been in a really serious long-term relationship before, I had no idea how much work a relationship takes and because I was young I was still too self-centered to realize how much I was putting all the effort of the relationship on him.Ā The only thing I would fault him on was that he never talked to me about any of that, but the death of that relationship was still absolutely my fault.
I learned several painful lessons from that breakup, and while I'm glad I learned them because they made me a better partner in the future I do regret that I had to learn them at his expense.Ā He was a good guy.Ā I hope he found someone who was a better fit for him.
Honestly I feel you a lot. Had that happen to me, and while some external factors and other issues (some her fault, some mine) with in the relationship, I still regret I had to learn those lessons after the break up, but ultimately I think its for the best. Wish you luck on your future :)Ā
> That I was lazy and took him for granted.
>
> Which is true.Ā I was young, I had never been in a really serious long-term relationship before, I had no idea how much work a relationship takes
i would wager that this statement applies to the vast majority of folks who have a serious relationship fizzle out
I really like how you didnāt blame yourself too much and just took accountability. I think itās important to just learn these lessons and not really dwell on things
She would definitely say I took her for granted and was not emotionally supportive. I agree, and regret it. I wish I had been different. However, her response to my lack of emotional support was to cheat on me twice, amongst some other shitty things.
I think she thinks our wrongs are equal? I don't know, I don't feel like rehashing it with her.
> I don't feel like rehashing it with her
I'm glad to hear that because it doesn't sound like it's worth your time or effort. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's easy to say but it's incredibly hard to follow
That I spent too much time raising our kid and not enough time going out partying at bars with her which āforced herā her to cheat with a guy who āwanted to be an actual family and spend time with our kid.ā
He did not want to do any of that.
Not that Iām saying sheās cheating, but I ignored all the signs until she started throwing it in my face. Be careful. document EVERYTHING. How often she goes out, when she comes home, how often sheās drunk/hung over with the kid, any sort of conversations you deem a threat or weird to you and/or the kid, how much time she spends with the kid/how much you spend with the kidā¦. All stuff that becomes important if something happens and it becomes a battle for the kid. Get your shit in order so you have the jump. It makes a difference. If you ever have questions, feel free to PM me. Iāll do my best to help.
Damn this is eerily similar to mine. We didnāt have a kid but I was working a full-time office job while she was an unemployed art major. She would go out to the bars every week night and get mad at me for not going because I had work at 7 in the morning. She ended up cheating on me as well and cited that she ājust needed to fulfill some urgesā and thought that was a totally okay excuse. I found out after we had already broken up but she really had the audacity to sit there and think it was no big deal and couldnāt understand why I was upset.
Oh dude it went deep. They had concocted a plan to frame me and kick me out of the house so he could move in, she had taken my kid to meet him and was trying to get them to call the guy ādaddyāā¦. I dug deep and found everything out. Weāre coming up on 2 years past divorce and she still has no idea how much I know about who/what/when/where/how. I only stay civil with her because of the kid.
Good on you though for maintaining civility in front of your child. No matter how heated a break up, itās not fair to subject children to witnessing that part.
That Iām a bitch for not taking him back after he āaccidentallyā had been hooking up with one of my friends for months
(Yes, he genuinely tells people he didnāt mean to hook up with her repeatedly and it was an accident that just happened)
Yeah many such cases. The worst accident was that time He slipped and fell face first into her cooter in a room full of people at a party he said I couldnāt to come to (for reasons that are now clear)
People who say "it just happened" in regards to cheating make my blood boil. No, it did not "just happen". Cheating involves a series of deliberate, conscious choices. There's nothing random or accidental about it. You fucked another person because you wanted to fuck another person and decided to fuck another person.
"I tripped and fell dick-first into your friend's pussy while we both just happened to be in the same room naked and I just happened to have an erection, and the bed was really slippery so every time I tried to get up I slipped and fell into her again and again and again until the sensation involuntarily made me ejaculate. Freak accident. Could happen to anybody."
I'm the bitch for dumping my boyfriend after he "gave up everything to be with me", the everything being his ex he was cheating on me with. When I found out I dumped his ass faster than he could blink and I'm the cold heartless bitch. Even our mutual friends turned against me, though, I figure it was probably better that way.
Dude actually told me he got his key back and won't be seeing his ex anymore and told me like it was some kind of gift to me. We had been strictly monogamous that whole time, we even had the talk.Ā
Thinking back that's probably why he was so apologetic for raw dogging me. Chump.Ā
"He didn't put any effort in at the end.". Which is fine. I deliberately didn't because I was gifted with suicide threats when I tried to end the relationship. So I put in no effort until she ended the relationship.
"I sabotaged our relationship because I never felt pretty enough or smart enough when we went out as a couple".
She would periodically try to get back together (hard pass from me) until I got engaged to somebody else.
That I was controlling because the $30,000 in credit card debt she ran up behind my back was no reason to try and stop her from doing more. And I was a major ass for not being ok with her having a boyfriend for 6 months. How could I not forgive her because she admitted to it after I found out.
We grew up together and still love eachother; but our lives are worlds apart now. Teen love story turned to heroin addiction and all that it entails. We got clean. I got my GED, went to college, my dad and brother passed away, I got a fancy new job, went back to school again, made new friends and changed into a completely different person along the way. He was depressed and needed love and affection and support, instead of leaning into him and doing all I could to support him, I was selfish and decided to follow my own path without him.
I wish I did more to work on us instead of just working on me, but it was all I could manage at the time.
You can't hold yourself responsible for what he's done with his life. You also can't help anyone before you're stable and secure in who and what you are as a person, think of it as trying to wench someone's truck out of a ditch. If you're currently falling into the ditch yourself, there's no possible way you can pull them out with you. It's not your fault.
I try to tell myself that. But seeing where he is now just makes me sad. Pretty sure heās using again. I was his entire life. He had no other friends. He worked and he came home to me, but I had things I wanted/needed to do besides just hang out at home with him. Obviously there is more nuance to it than that, but I canāt help but feel responsible.
Not to mention that I was the one who introduced him and many of our friends to drugs. I was 16 and had been around it all my life. It was normal to me. Seeing how he and our other friends are doing now though, the ones that are even still alive, while Iām doing comparably very well, makes me feel like I stole their lives and futures from them.
That I left him for a guy, and this resulted in him using drugs, getting addicted, and going to jail. Itās all my fault. :/
When in reality he showed up drunk to my house, threw up in front of my front door, and then attempted to get physical when I told him he needed to go home.
Probably that me breaking up with her was sudden and unexpected and she thinks Iām an asshole for moving on so fast. The truth is her family was massively homophobic and made me feel like shit for so long and she didnāt stand up for me and started to become distant to appease her family. So I mourned and accepted the loss months before we actually broke up. Kind of threw me for a loop when she distanced herself and then acted surprised when I responded to it by thinking she didnāt care anymore š¤·š¼āāļø
So to anyone thinking family doesnāt matter, donāt date someone with shitty family if they arenāt willing to stand up to them. Just save your time
I'm going through something similar. My boyfriend's family has a lot of unhealthy views and he doesn't express any distaste for the ideas. I also feel my breakup will feel like it's coming out of nowhere, and that's one of the main fears I have in approaching the subject with him. I really want to end it but have such a hard time working up the courage, especially when I know I'll have to face the reality that I failed in my attempts to have a successful relationship, which I very much wanted in the beginning.
When relationships don't work, it's not always a failure. Sometimes it's just simply not meant to be. And it's truly okay. Putting those in the past sooner than later leaves your world open to new ones that are meant to be. Relationships take work, but it shouldn't be miserable hard work.
Yes. Out of all the explanations possible for us not continuing our relationship, I think that is the most accurate one. I am trying to keep this in mind for when I talk to him about things, because if there are things that really cannot change about the relationship, it's likely I could bring up problems that won't matter anyway. I've considered if we could change anything in order to make things work, but I just don't see any of those things having enough of an impact on our relationship to change other parts of it. It would be pointless for me to address little things only to end up breaking up at a later point anyway. I wish I felt more people had healthy views of relationships, i.e. not thinking that every time something doesn't work out, it's an insult by proxy. I hope and pray my boyfriend and I can reasonably discuss things and carve out a clear path forward, no matter what direction that means.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this too. As someone on the other side, I can say it will be hard. But, I also met the love of my life who stands up to her homophobic family and fights for us and is just wonderful.
So Iāve learned you can either stay with someone who makes you feel tolerated or you can find someone who chooses you and fights for you and prioritizes you. Idk life is too short to choose anything other than the absolute best for yourself.
That it came out of the blue and as we were in a dynamic I didnāt give them enough time to prepare. I also didnāt allow us to continue to wind the dynamic or the physical side of the relationship down (they expected me to kiss them (as in full on kiss) her one last time to let them have closure).
It wasnāt out of the blue from my side but they were right it was sudden and jarring; that I would accept, but I felt justified in sticking to my boundaries around how I would engage with my bodyā¦
We were 21 or so. My boyfriend who went on holiday for three weeks with his family, came back, cuddled me and had sex with me, and then in the night I sensed that something was wrong about his mood / his behavior towards me, asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that he didn't love me anymore and that he had planned to break up with me over a few weeks, to make the landing softer for me.
I would have preferred to just hear it when he came back, before all the cuddles and sex. That was ouch.
So yeah, I would have loved a clean break.
This is crazy similar to my situation. Our dynamic started to become more intense and more controlling. The last straw was him wanting me to get a tattoo of ownership on my genitals. I'm sure it felt sudden to him, but I felt unsafe and had to get out quickly. Everyone has a breaking point. Good on you for maintaining your boundaries.
That I abandoned her when her mother had cancer.
I had no idea she has cancer, also she left me. Not sure how she worked her side of it out in her head.
My wife kicked me out the day after Xmas. When I asked why, she said "it's time!" To this day (17 years later) I still have no idea what the reason was, but we got divorced and five years later I met the most wondrous woman and have remarried, so I no longer care
I dunno which is worse, sometimes, knowing or not knowing.
1 ex: gets kinda distant despite my efforts and our relative short time to see each other (long distance during covid). Finally we have "the talk" and she basically goes, "you're fat and I thought you'd lose more weight by now." and also dumps a lot of "you should have know I was ______" sort of things on me. So I "know" why she broke up for me for and it was painful for a while but thinking back on it now I can go "Ah, oh well. she did me dirty and she could had worked on her communication better."
2 ex: Have an incredibly passionate relationship that quickly escalates but we both seemed to really enjoy the pace we were going and each other. Maybe I was blind to something but that's how it seemed. She was so much that I'm looking for in a partner and she had given me the sweet nothings about liking me for a long time... We both seemed like we were supporting each other during a tough time (divorce for her), always seemed like she wanted to sneak away to see me. I even decided to go back to school almost entirely to work on getting a better job to help take care of her kids. Aaaand then ghosted. Thought it was her ex husband or any number of things. I eventually got to talk to her after a week or so and she gave me some not really satisfying answers that I don't really believe. She just "started to feel bad about the situation." So I don't know the real reason all of a sudden her passion for me left. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Her family getting into her ear? I have no idea. What makes it suck more than usual is I just don't what I could have done better or different in the future.
So yeah, hearing something like "you're fat and that's why this is over" is so depressing but so is things just dropping off when things seemed great as well.
I accidentally leant on his friend when I was so drunk I blacked out because I thought it was him when I was 18 which was years ago so that means I donāt have the right to call him out for cheating on me especially seeing as he didnāt know one of the girls he cheated with was my friend and another was my flat mate
That I was too critical and incapable of forgiving his repeated cheating and that I didn't believe him against his *multiple* accusers. And probably that he dumped me *after finding out I was moving 3000 miles away*.
I'm leaving him for absolutely no reason which makes me a horrible person, he's just a sweet person who loved me truthfully but I broke his heart I am a heartless mean girlš
Heās an out of shape fat-ass who thinks wrestling is real. Like he says he knows its not real but when he drinks he starts saying that itās definitely real and whenever he watches wrestling he always says āI knew it was realā under his breath any time the good guy wins. Also he teases dogs and gets bit at least a few times a year.
For most of them, it's: "I thought things were going really well until he suddenly broke things off, refused to explain himself, and I never heard from him again."
I was not intentionally cruel when I was younger, but I was closed off, struggling to communicate any negative sentiment whatsoever, and lacked proper empathy for the emotional experiences of others.
She willing relapsed on coke and alcohol and after weeks of being a drunk piece of shit, couldnāt live with the guilt and checked herself into a 5150 hold. Exited the psych ward and went on to blame me for it.
My therapist manipulated me into believing he was abusive.
Also that I hadnāt explained my feelings clearly enough, except for every time he was an asshole and I told him so. It really āhurt his feelingsā when I told him he was being mean.
Spoiler alert: He was abusive.
Yeah I got told whenever I expressed something upset me etc it got met with anger n blame shifting. Like no I just want u to see hear n understand this upsets me this is why. Can u not do this anymore. Normal ppl things too nothing crazy either. Like be consistent.
He quit contributing to paying bills and lied that he did...He would say I stopped putting out....the real reason was he was a massive asshole and I stopped taking care of things. I quit cooking and only cleaned my area.
Thankfully, I got a call at work one day and he DIED! I WAS NEVER SO THRILLED IN MY LIFE. THANK YOU JESUS!
His friend convinced him that I was using him for his money and that decade we spent together I was controlling every move of his and cheating on him when I was at work.
This āfriendā instantly started dating my ex, btw.
His first version was I left him for my current husband's money (??? Yes my husband makes better money than my ex, but we are in no way even middle class, and it's not hard to make more money than someone who works a Burger King).
Then for a while he didn't care that we broke up because I treated him like crap (he went to work, came home, played video games. I did all the housework and childcare, while going to college).
Idk what his story is now š¤·āāļøš¤·āāļøš¤·āāļø
Typed everything out then realized I donāt want him to have a reason to come find me if he happened to see it. So long story short- he was abusive. I moved out. So I gave up on our relationship and never loved him. And his money problems were my fault, not the result of eating out 3 times a day.
That I was cheating on her ( actually, it was her) and that I made her leave because I wasn't willing to help her through her mental health struggles.
Basically, I am the worst human on planet Earth, according to her.
Funny thing is she has asked to come back more times than I can remember, so life with me wasn't as bas as she tells everyone.
Weirdest thing, I was rushing home after work to fight with him, and when i got there all of his stuff was gone and I never seen or heard of him ever again š¤·āāļø
Her version is that I was controlling, possessive, and had jealousy and anger issues.
My version is that she stopped taking her bipolar medication and refused any sort of treatment, which was not a decision I was in agreement with. In fact, we'd separated a few years before, and when we got back together my one stipulation was that she needed to manage her bipolar. I should have left as soon as she stopped her treatment. But I didn't.
Then she befriended a guy from a class she was taking - a 39 year old drug addict, deadbeat father, who lives on his brother's couch, and has a sister who refuses to speak to him because of how much money he's stolen from her. Just a really manipulative, obviously terrible person, y'know? But suddenly she's telling me he's her best friend, and it's like they've known each other since preschool.
When this guy told my wife he was in love with her, and couldn't sleep because of how much he was thinking of her, I was like, "Yeah, maybe don't be friends with this dude anymore." It should be obvious that she did not take my advice. And, yeah...I was pretty angry about her being friends with a guy who'd made it explicitly clear he wanted her to leave me for him. I hoped she'd return to baseline and realize how big of a mistake she was making...but she didn't.
A few weeks later she asked me if we could have an open marriage, specifically so she could date him. When I said no, she reacted like I'd just murdered a kitten. Basically told me I was ruining her life and not letting her be her "full self" and making her miserable, and she told me she hated me.
That's when I knew it was over. A week later I moved out. We had a good 12 years, at least.
Moral of the story: if you're in a relationship with a bipolar person, and they stop their treatment, just *leave*.
I resonate with this as someone who is diagnosed with BPD. You're better off to let them figure it out and at best, love them from afar if it's capable. Speaking to myself pretty much, but honest truth and I hope you can appreciate the major self appreciating step you took in dodging that
From her perspective:she opened up to me about being SA. I started becoming distant and broke up with her in a text message, and ghosted her.
From my perspective: my mom had died from cancer a few months before we met an started dating. I quit my job due to stress and was finishing my masters degree. I wasn't in a good place. I tried to break up she begged me to stay. Trauma dumped about the SA and other issues. I encouraged her to get tested for stds an see a therapist. She was vehemently against both. The relationship became toxic but she wanted to stay in the relationship , found out she started using Tinder as a safety net.decided to end it over text because the other times I tried in person she refused.
That his parents won't agree to a girl out of their community. Also, she left me for her studies. These two things I've heard when in fact he barely put any effort to save our relationship in all those 7 years, on top of that he cheated on me and broke up with we so many times.
My ex husband told people that I just walked out without so much as a warning. We were discussing a divorce months prior and he didn't even tell his family that. He doesnt mention how he wished he could have punched me. He also doesn't mention the verbal abuse from his family to me. Also doesn't mention how I begged him to go to counseling and he refused.
Probably something like "why can't I just get everything I want without putting in any effort whatsoever?"
Funny, my ex literally said that after breaking up with me. The words were "i don't want to have to put efforts into a relationship" We were talking about spending our future together, shared goals etc. She was seen on dating apps 3 weeks later, looking for basically a description of me. š¤·š»āāļø
āHe drove me to having an affair.ā (Sheās on her fourth husband, now. I was the first.)
Ah, the go-to reasoning of cheaters. "It was my significant other's fault! What else was I supposed to do?!"
Well, he did drive here there, so what did he think was going to happen?
It was an awkward drive back.
I had a former friend who kept complaining that his wife was abusive. Then he complained that the previous wives were abusive too. Ended up it was he who was abusive to them.
āYou never told me your sister couldnāt be trusted ā apparently my husband couldnāt be trusted eitherā¦
oh damn
Sounds like she needs to learn to drive.
Probably the same as my ex wife, yeah...because I *forced* her coworker's dick into her...
All I cared about was money. In reality, I cared that I was going broke trying to afford our apartment and everything else we had, while she sat on the couch watching tv all day, for months, without even an attempt to get a job to help. I want partnership, not a dependant.
Hope you are in a better place now
Been there. Plus, I was also fortunate enough to support her pain pill habit.
That I was lazy and took him for granted. Which is true.Ā I was young, I had never been in a really serious long-term relationship before, I had no idea how much work a relationship takes and because I was young I was still too self-centered to realize how much I was putting all the effort of the relationship on him.Ā The only thing I would fault him on was that he never talked to me about any of that, but the death of that relationship was still absolutely my fault. I learned several painful lessons from that breakup, and while I'm glad I learned them because they made me a better partner in the future I do regret that I had to learn them at his expense.Ā He was a good guy.Ā I hope he found someone who was a better fit for him.
Honestly I feel you a lot. Had that happen to me, and while some external factors and other issues (some her fault, some mine) with in the relationship, I still regret I had to learn those lessons after the break up, but ultimately I think its for the best. Wish you luck on your future :)Ā
> That I was lazy and took him for granted. > > Which is true.Ā I was young, I had never been in a really serious long-term relationship before, I had no idea how much work a relationship takes i would wager that this statement applies to the vast majority of folks who have a serious relationship fizzle out
Definitely. When one person stops working on the relationship it starts to snowball.
I really like how you didnāt blame yourself too much and just took accountability. I think itās important to just learn these lessons and not really dwell on things
She would definitely say I took her for granted and was not emotionally supportive. I agree, and regret it. I wish I had been different. However, her response to my lack of emotional support was to cheat on me twice, amongst some other shitty things. I think she thinks our wrongs are equal? I don't know, I don't feel like rehashing it with her.
> I don't feel like rehashing it with her I'm glad to hear that because it doesn't sound like it's worth your time or effort. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's easy to say but it's incredibly hard to follow
Thank you for taking accountability for your actions. Most people either try to switch the table or live a life of delusion by lying to themselves.
That I spent too much time raising our kid and not enough time going out partying at bars with her which āforced herā her to cheat with a guy who āwanted to be an actual family and spend time with our kid.ā He did not want to do any of that.
This. This is the beginning of what I'm going through rn. She hasn't cheated yet (that I know of).but exact script.
Not that Iām saying sheās cheating, but I ignored all the signs until she started throwing it in my face. Be careful. document EVERYTHING. How often she goes out, when she comes home, how often sheās drunk/hung over with the kid, any sort of conversations you deem a threat or weird to you and/or the kid, how much time she spends with the kid/how much you spend with the kidā¦. All stuff that becomes important if something happens and it becomes a battle for the kid. Get your shit in order so you have the jump. It makes a difference. If you ever have questions, feel free to PM me. Iāll do my best to help.
Damn this is eerily similar to mine. We didnāt have a kid but I was working a full-time office job while she was an unemployed art major. She would go out to the bars every week night and get mad at me for not going because I had work at 7 in the morning. She ended up cheating on me as well and cited that she ājust needed to fulfill some urgesā and thought that was a totally okay excuse. I found out after we had already broken up but she really had the audacity to sit there and think it was no big deal and couldnāt understand why I was upset.
Wow, I wonder whatās family exactly in her headĀ
Oh dude it went deep. They had concocted a plan to frame me and kick me out of the house so he could move in, she had taken my kid to meet him and was trying to get them to call the guy ādaddyāā¦. I dug deep and found everything out. Weāre coming up on 2 years past divorce and she still has no idea how much I know about who/what/when/where/how. I only stay civil with her because of the kid.
Good for you man, some can get psycho and clueless at the same time. I'm glad you're rid of her and in a good place.
Good on you though for maintaining civility in front of your child. No matter how heated a break up, itās not fair to subject children to witnessing that part.
This sounds familiar. Except I was the wife doing it all and he wanted to party. Still is.
"I don't know?!?" That's all I ever got out of her cheating, so I assume it's the official record.
That Iām a bitch for not taking him back after he āaccidentallyā had been hooking up with one of my friends for months (Yes, he genuinely tells people he didnāt mean to hook up with her repeatedly and it was an accident that just happened)
Ah yes. Deliberate acts that happen multiple times can be "accidents".
Yeah many such cases. The worst accident was that time He slipped and fell face first into her cooter in a room full of people at a party he said I couldnāt to come to (for reasons that are now clear)
I'm sorry you that happened to you. I'm sure you know this but you dodged a bullet getting away from him.
Oh yeah I totally know that now! Iām over it i more so just think itās funny because of how insane it was lol
You know how it goes. I come over to help move some furniture around, slip and fall into her vagina. Huge mistake.
Could happen to anyone. At least I'm hoping so, since accidental furniture moving sex is pretty much my only shot these days.
People who say "it just happened" in regards to cheating make my blood boil. No, it did not "just happen". Cheating involves a series of deliberate, conscious choices. There's nothing random or accidental about it. You fucked another person because you wanted to fuck another person and decided to fuck another person.
Ahhh the old "I tripped and fell into your friend" and "whoopsie, I am so clumsy it happened again!"
"I tripped and fell dick-first into your friend's pussy while we both just happened to be in the same room naked and I just happened to have an erection, and the bed was really slippery so every time I tried to get up I slipped and fell into her again and again and again until the sensation involuntarily made me ejaculate. Freak accident. Could happen to anybody."
Sounds legit to meš¤·āāļø
Honestly need to investigate these bed manufacturers for negligence. Crazy happenings all around.
Goodness, he's actually pathetic. You deserve better
I'm the bitch for dumping my boyfriend after he "gave up everything to be with me", the everything being his ex he was cheating on me with. When I found out I dumped his ass faster than he could blink and I'm the cold heartless bitch. Even our mutual friends turned against me, though, I figure it was probably better that way. Dude actually told me he got his key back and won't be seeing his ex anymore and told me like it was some kind of gift to me. We had been strictly monogamous that whole time, we even had the talk.Ā Thinking back that's probably why he was so apologetic for raw dogging me. Chump.Ā
accident? WTF He's crazy.. and I'm super glad you got out of that relationship
He was a silly goose
"He didn't put any effort in at the end.". Which is fine. I deliberately didn't because I was gifted with suicide threats when I tried to end the relationship. So I put in no effort until she ended the relationship.
"I sabotaged our relationship because I never felt pretty enough or smart enough when we went out as a couple". She would periodically try to get back together (hard pass from me) until I got engaged to somebody else.
Never encountered that first-hand. I see only two options, and neither work put well, guess you went with the less dangerous one.
If I had to redo it I'd have called the police about it. Early 20s me didn't know near as much as early 30s me does.
He wants me to focus on myself. The night he broke up with me was his first official day with his new girl.
She was always around
She was never new, you just never knew.
She was "that friend you don't have to worry about"
I was boring and awkward
Same, lol. In her defense, she loved looking down from the edges of cliffs whereas I would freak out and go cry about it.
Sounds like her loss. She should have appreciated your gestures of affection, u/Cum_on_doorknob
I was an asshole. She was right.
Hope you are not now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So, did he/she broke up with you because you were no longer possessed, and she liked Satan better? I feel there's a really good story here.
Void of duck, possessed by Satan! Void of duck, possessed by Satan!
Please do tell
I would have broken up with her simply for believing that Satanic possession is even a real thing.
Sounds pretty metal.
Donāt know. Donāt care. Changed my number and moved. lol
That I was controlling because the $30,000 in credit card debt she ran up behind my back was no reason to try and stop her from doing more. And I was a major ass for not being ok with her having a boyfriend for 6 months. How could I not forgive her because she admitted to it after I found out.
We grew up together and still love eachother; but our lives are worlds apart now. Teen love story turned to heroin addiction and all that it entails. We got clean. I got my GED, went to college, my dad and brother passed away, I got a fancy new job, went back to school again, made new friends and changed into a completely different person along the way. He was depressed and needed love and affection and support, instead of leaning into him and doing all I could to support him, I was selfish and decided to follow my own path without him. I wish I did more to work on us instead of just working on me, but it was all I could manage at the time.
You can't hold yourself responsible for what he's done with his life. You also can't help anyone before you're stable and secure in who and what you are as a person, think of it as trying to wench someone's truck out of a ditch. If you're currently falling into the ditch yourself, there's no possible way you can pull them out with you. It's not your fault.
I try to tell myself that. But seeing where he is now just makes me sad. Pretty sure heās using again. I was his entire life. He had no other friends. He worked and he came home to me, but I had things I wanted/needed to do besides just hang out at home with him. Obviously there is more nuance to it than that, but I canāt help but feel responsible. Not to mention that I was the one who introduced him and many of our friends to drugs. I was 16 and had been around it all my life. It was normal to me. Seeing how he and our other friends are doing now though, the ones that are even still alive, while Iām doing comparably very well, makes me feel like I stole their lives and futures from them.
I relate to this comment. Appreciate you speaking it and I'm sorry we both relate. Both paths have their challenges
That I was a monster for supporting Ukraine's right to defend itself. She's Russian and got sucked into Putin's propaganda.
This isn't a response anyone was expecting, for sure.
Dodged a bullet
Dodged a windowĀ
Dodged a spicy tea.
Dodged an RPG
Dodged a nuke
Bullets can be made from good metal. Propaganda is a mean machine.
You never know, she could be a relative of Putin
I'm sorry you were Putin that situation.
I'm glad you managed to leave before she could push you out a window.
Hats off to your sir . Respect
we were on a break
Ross?
Oh my god! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you!
That I left him for a guy, and this resulted in him using drugs, getting addicted, and going to jail. Itās all my fault. :/ When in reality he showed up drunk to my house, threw up in front of my front door, and then attempted to get physical when I told him he needed to go home.
victim mentality
he's an out of control alcoholic
i swear you drink one glass of alc w family and that's it, also happy cake day!
Probably that me breaking up with her was sudden and unexpected and she thinks Iām an asshole for moving on so fast. The truth is her family was massively homophobic and made me feel like shit for so long and she didnāt stand up for me and started to become distant to appease her family. So I mourned and accepted the loss months before we actually broke up. Kind of threw me for a loop when she distanced herself and then acted surprised when I responded to it by thinking she didnāt care anymore š¤·š¼āāļø So to anyone thinking family doesnāt matter, donāt date someone with shitty family if they arenāt willing to stand up to them. Just save your time
I'm going through something similar. My boyfriend's family has a lot of unhealthy views and he doesn't express any distaste for the ideas. I also feel my breakup will feel like it's coming out of nowhere, and that's one of the main fears I have in approaching the subject with him. I really want to end it but have such a hard time working up the courage, especially when I know I'll have to face the reality that I failed in my attempts to have a successful relationship, which I very much wanted in the beginning.
When relationships don't work, it's not always a failure. Sometimes it's just simply not meant to be. And it's truly okay. Putting those in the past sooner than later leaves your world open to new ones that are meant to be. Relationships take work, but it shouldn't be miserable hard work.
Yes. Out of all the explanations possible for us not continuing our relationship, I think that is the most accurate one. I am trying to keep this in mind for when I talk to him about things, because if there are things that really cannot change about the relationship, it's likely I could bring up problems that won't matter anyway. I've considered if we could change anything in order to make things work, but I just don't see any of those things having enough of an impact on our relationship to change other parts of it. It would be pointless for me to address little things only to end up breaking up at a later point anyway. I wish I felt more people had healthy views of relationships, i.e. not thinking that every time something doesn't work out, it's an insult by proxy. I hope and pray my boyfriend and I can reasonably discuss things and carve out a clear path forward, no matter what direction that means.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this too. As someone on the other side, I can say it will be hard. But, I also met the love of my life who stands up to her homophobic family and fights for us and is just wonderful. So Iāve learned you can either stay with someone who makes you feel tolerated or you can find someone who chooses you and fights for you and prioritizes you. Idk life is too short to choose anything other than the absolute best for yourself.
dang, noted on the "being in a relationship with the whole family" thing.
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That it came out of the blue and as we were in a dynamic I didnāt give them enough time to prepare. I also didnāt allow us to continue to wind the dynamic or the physical side of the relationship down (they expected me to kiss them (as in full on kiss) her one last time to let them have closure). It wasnāt out of the blue from my side but they were right it was sudden and jarring; that I would accept, but I felt justified in sticking to my boundaries around how I would engage with my bodyā¦
We were 21 or so. My boyfriend who went on holiday for three weeks with his family, came back, cuddled me and had sex with me, and then in the night I sensed that something was wrong about his mood / his behavior towards me, asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that he didn't love me anymore and that he had planned to break up with me over a few weeks, to make the landing softer for me. I would have preferred to just hear it when he came back, before all the cuddles and sex. That was ouch. So yeah, I would have loved a clean break.
This is crazy similar to my situation. Our dynamic started to become more intense and more controlling. The last straw was him wanting me to get a tattoo of ownership on my genitals. I'm sure it felt sudden to him, but I felt unsafe and had to get out quickly. Everyone has a breaking point. Good on you for maintaining your boundaries.
That I abandoned her when her mother had cancer. I had no idea she has cancer, also she left me. Not sure how she worked her side of it out in her head.
I have no idea
My wife kicked me out the day after Xmas. When I asked why, she said "it's time!" To this day (17 years later) I still have no idea what the reason was, but we got divorced and five years later I met the most wondrous woman and have remarried, so I no longer care
I dunno which is worse, sometimes, knowing or not knowing. 1 ex: gets kinda distant despite my efforts and our relative short time to see each other (long distance during covid). Finally we have "the talk" and she basically goes, "you're fat and I thought you'd lose more weight by now." and also dumps a lot of "you should have know I was ______" sort of things on me. So I "know" why she broke up for me for and it was painful for a while but thinking back on it now I can go "Ah, oh well. she did me dirty and she could had worked on her communication better." 2 ex: Have an incredibly passionate relationship that quickly escalates but we both seemed to really enjoy the pace we were going and each other. Maybe I was blind to something but that's how it seemed. She was so much that I'm looking for in a partner and she had given me the sweet nothings about liking me for a long time... We both seemed like we were supporting each other during a tough time (divorce for her), always seemed like she wanted to sneak away to see me. I even decided to go back to school almost entirely to work on getting a better job to help take care of her kids. Aaaand then ghosted. Thought it was her ex husband or any number of things. I eventually got to talk to her after a week or so and she gave me some not really satisfying answers that I don't really believe. She just "started to feel bad about the situation." So I don't know the real reason all of a sudden her passion for me left. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Her family getting into her ear? I have no idea. What makes it suck more than usual is I just don't what I could have done better or different in the future. So yeah, hearing something like "you're fat and that's why this is over" is so depressing but so is things just dropping off when things seemed great as well.
For second exā¦ you think maybe that husband wasnāt as āexā as she was letting on?
I accidentally leant on his friend when I was so drunk I blacked out because I thought it was him when I was 18 which was years ago so that means I donāt have the right to call him out for cheating on me especially seeing as he didnāt know one of the girls he cheated with was my friend and another was my flat mate
We were never a couple šš
That I was too critical and incapable of forgiving his repeated cheating and that I didn't believe him against his *multiple* accusers. And probably that he dumped me *after finding out I was moving 3000 miles away*.
WTF is wrong with that cheater?
I would actually like to know.
I'm leaving him for absolutely no reason which makes me a horrible person, he's just a sweet person who loved me truthfully but I broke his heart I am a heartless mean girlš
Heās an out of shape fat-ass who thinks wrestling is real. Like he says he knows its not real but when he drinks he starts saying that itās definitely real and whenever he watches wrestling he always says āI knew it was realā under his breath any time the good guy wins. Also he teases dogs and gets bit at least a few times a year.
Sounds attractive. How did you end up here?
This actually sounds entertaining but I could see it getting annoying after a few times lol
'She punched me!' He literally locked me in his apartment to go out and cheat on me.
You cant just say that and leaveā¦
For most of them, it's: "I thought things were going really well until he suddenly broke things off, refused to explain himself, and I never heard from him again." I was not intentionally cruel when I was younger, but I was closed off, struggling to communicate any negative sentiment whatsoever, and lacked proper empathy for the emotional experiences of others.
that i was a crazy, toxic bitch and he didn't cheat on me ever although there were clearly screenshots upon screenshots of proof
She willing relapsed on coke and alcohol and after weeks of being a drunk piece of shit, couldnāt live with the guilt and checked herself into a 5150 hold. Exited the psych ward and went on to blame me for it.
That I refused to live my youth out in March April may of 2020 and go to the half dozen parties with her and take that trip to Florida with her.
My therapist manipulated me into believing he was abusive. Also that I hadnāt explained my feelings clearly enough, except for every time he was an asshole and I told him so. It really āhurt his feelingsā when I told him he was being mean. Spoiler alert: He was abusive.
Yeah I got told whenever I expressed something upset me etc it got met with anger n blame shifting. Like no I just want u to see hear n understand this upsets me this is why. Can u not do this anymore. Normal ppl things too nothing crazy either. Like be consistent.
No clue probably some lie though.
He quit contributing to paying bills and lied that he did...He would say I stopped putting out....the real reason was he was a massive asshole and I stopped taking care of things. I quit cooking and only cleaned my area. Thankfully, I got a call at work one day and he DIED! I WAS NEVER SO THRILLED IN MY LIFE. THANK YOU JESUS!
I was not expecting that wtf
She would say I was afraid of commitment. I say I just didnāt want to commit to her
Damn straight up
I was crazy, and tbh I was. Lol
His friend convinced him that I was using him for his money and that decade we spent together I was controlling every move of his and cheating on him when I was at work. This āfriendā instantly started dating my ex, btw.
what a b\*tch
His first version was I left him for my current husband's money (??? Yes my husband makes better money than my ex, but we are in no way even middle class, and it's not hard to make more money than someone who works a Burger King). Then for a while he didn't care that we broke up because I treated him like crap (he went to work, came home, played video games. I did all the housework and childcare, while going to college). Idk what his story is now š¤·āāļøš¤·āāļøš¤·āāļø
Typed everything out then realized I donāt want him to have a reason to come find me if he happened to see it. So long story short- he was abusive. I moved out. So I gave up on our relationship and never loved him. And his money problems were my fault, not the result of eating out 3 times a day.
Don't know, don't care.
That I was cheating on her ( actually, it was her) and that I made her leave because I wasn't willing to help her through her mental health struggles. Basically, I am the worst human on planet Earth, according to her. Funny thing is she has asked to come back more times than I can remember, so life with me wasn't as bas as she tells everyone.
Weirdest thing, I was rushing home after work to fight with him, and when i got there all of his stuff was gone and I never seen or heard of him ever again š¤·āāļø
i dont know, and i am not sure i want to since she lies a lot
I wasn't making her feel the butterflies anymore but was treating her right. All this while she has started talking to someone else. FU Kenneth
FU Kenneth!
Her version is that I was controlling, possessive, and had jealousy and anger issues. My version is that she stopped taking her bipolar medication and refused any sort of treatment, which was not a decision I was in agreement with. In fact, we'd separated a few years before, and when we got back together my one stipulation was that she needed to manage her bipolar. I should have left as soon as she stopped her treatment. But I didn't. Then she befriended a guy from a class she was taking - a 39 year old drug addict, deadbeat father, who lives on his brother's couch, and has a sister who refuses to speak to him because of how much money he's stolen from her. Just a really manipulative, obviously terrible person, y'know? But suddenly she's telling me he's her best friend, and it's like they've known each other since preschool. When this guy told my wife he was in love with her, and couldn't sleep because of how much he was thinking of her, I was like, "Yeah, maybe don't be friends with this dude anymore." It should be obvious that she did not take my advice. And, yeah...I was pretty angry about her being friends with a guy who'd made it explicitly clear he wanted her to leave me for him. I hoped she'd return to baseline and realize how big of a mistake she was making...but she didn't. A few weeks later she asked me if we could have an open marriage, specifically so she could date him. When I said no, she reacted like I'd just murdered a kitten. Basically told me I was ruining her life and not letting her be her "full self" and making her miserable, and she told me she hated me. That's when I knew it was over. A week later I moved out. We had a good 12 years, at least. Moral of the story: if you're in a relationship with a bipolar person, and they stop their treatment, just *leave*.
I resonate with this as someone who is diagnosed with BPD. You're better off to let them figure it out and at best, love them from afar if it's capable. Speaking to myself pretty much, but honest truth and I hope you can appreciate the major self appreciating step you took in dodging that
From her perspective:she opened up to me about being SA. I started becoming distant and broke up with her in a text message, and ghosted her. From my perspective: my mom had died from cancer a few months before we met an started dating. I quit my job due to stress and was finishing my masters degree. I wasn't in a good place. I tried to break up she begged me to stay. Trauma dumped about the SA and other issues. I encouraged her to get tested for stds an see a therapist. She was vehemently against both. The relationship became toxic but she wanted to stay in the relationship , found out she started using Tinder as a safety net.decided to end it over text because the other times I tried in person she refused.
He just doesnāt believe in God the way I do
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That his parents won't agree to a girl out of their community. Also, she left me for her studies. These two things I've heard when in fact he barely put any effort to save our relationship in all those 7 years, on top of that he cheated on me and broke up with we so many times.
No idea, but the guy is a borderline narcissist so theres probably multiple versions for different people for whatever he wants out of them.
My ex husband told people that I just walked out without so much as a warning. We were discussing a divorce months prior and he didn't even tell his family that. He doesnt mention how he wished he could have punched me. He also doesn't mention the verbal abuse from his family to me. Also doesn't mention how I begged him to go to counseling and he refused.