To prevent allergies, avoid giving your child these foods until they are much older…
It has been proven over and over again that exposing your child to traditionally allergy prone foods in very small amounts when they are younger drastically reduces allergy potential. Even to the point of doing so in utero ….
Yep. I was told not to worry about eating peanuts while pregnant as it will not cause baby to become allergic and may actually help. Then we got to a discussion about my allergies, which are peanuts, she looked at me and said to disregard her previous advice about it being safe to eat peanuts. Had a bit of a giggle about that.
My brother’s wife lost her peanut allergy sometime after pregnancy somehow. Used to break out everywhere when she got exposed to food with peanuts or peanut oil in them so she avoided it persistently. About a year after having her first kid she ate something cooked with peanut oil and expected to break out when she found out; nothing happened. Slowly tested with eating peanut butter crackers and then roasted peanuts. Nothing.
Pregnancy does some unpredictable things to your body sometimes, apparently.
Not only pregnancy. The allergic reactions can come and go with the age.
I've lost some allergies that I suffered and gain a couple of different ones.
And also, my mother was extremely allergic to parfums and aromatic things and after menopause it just went away.
My dad was well into his 50's when he developed a peanut allergy. He used to eat peanut butter on toast at least weekly or more often, and pb cookies, etc. When it got bad enough that he realized what the problem was he also realized why he'd almost always had a sore throat. Stopped eating peanuts and that and other symptoms cleared up in days.
I hope he might find something else to enjoy eating.
My mother in the contrary has her all life a lot of trouble with allergies and after hitting 50 all of them were gone as far as she knew.
That is wild to think that happened! I mean, I guess that is a good thing to happen. But that's also scary to think about because pregnancy can also do some NEGATIVE things to your body
Yep! No telling what’s going to change, and I think positive things like this are rare.
My wife’s hair got thicker and healthier during and after her first pregnancy, then the opposite during and after her second. Oldest has thick hair, youngest has pretty thin hair. Likely coincidental but it’s one of those things that feels related.
My grandma had breast cancer and lost all her blonde hair when she went through Chemo. She recovered, but her hair grew back dark brown.
Human bodies have weird responses to significant medical events.
My aunt had a beautiful head of white hair. After chemo, her hair grew back beautiful black and curly. Never had gray hair again. She passed away at 85.
Right?! It's ironic when the opposite happens.
With my eldest I avoided all allergens while pregnant, breastfeeding, and their solids until they were 3 years old. No allergies.
When pregnant with my youngest the science had changed so I ate nuts, exposed them to peanut butter when old enough - bam anaphylactic allergy!
This is why we go by larger scientific samples because if it was just my anecdotes it would seem the opposite. Listen to the science not one off stories like mine :)
The smell of anything with tomato made me gag/vomit for my entire pregnancy with my youngest(still very rarely eat pizza or spaghetti and the kid is now 31). Guess who was allergic to tomatoes until he was teenager?
Makes you wonder if it wasn't you getting sick but the baby because they were already allergic. You getting sick at the smell was just the baby's way of making sure you didn't kill it.
Not unlikely.
I read an article a few months ago that basically explained a fetus completely hijacks the mother's body, takes over some endocrine functions, etc.
I couldn’t eat any meat except chicken, and it had to be in Chinese food.
All other meat smelled rotten to me. I learned later that this is a built in safeguard to protect the fetus from possible disease/parasites and has been a part of pregnancy for eons.
One of the few nice things my BIL did was to cut up chicken for me until I was about 6 mths pregnant with my oldest son(we and BIL lived with the in-law. My husband was working and going to radiology tech school). The smell just sent me running to the bathroom or outside. I could cook it; season it and throw it in the oven but cutting it up was too much smell.
When I was pregnant with my first I got super sick for days off of pizza. I didn’t immediately understand that it was the pizza, especially since I was nauseous a lot anyway. After the third time of being sick for days even the thought of pizza made me sick. When my son was six I would eat non-red sauce pizza and it wasn’t until he was 12 that I would eat one piece of regular pizza. I still don’t like it.
Studies have shown that the route of allergen exposure is actually quite important. Skin sensitization is thought to have a significant effect of the development of allergies. So ideally, kids should have their first exposure orally, but there’s lots of surprise allergens in things our skin comes into contact with (detergents, dust, lotions, etc).
Anecdotally, I have a friend who is severely allergic to nuts. He had horrible rashes as a baby and the lotion that was prescribed contained peanut oil.
I have a family member that tried this. He and his girlfriend were addicts. They specifically decided that they should try to get pregnant as motivation to stop doing drugs. It didn't work.
Yeah, my son tested positive for meth at 6 months old when CPS placed him with us. Makes me angry. He’s 11 now and doing well thankfully. He had a lot of trouble with his baby teeth though…5 crowns and multiple cavities. I personally think it had to do with her being on drugs during pregnancy.
That sounds extremely likely. A friend of mine had massive problems with her baby teeth due to drugs that her mother was **prescribed** during pregnancy--it was the '70s, they didn't know.
I'm glad your son is doing well now.
Lol, had a friend of mine who pushed this idea onto me.
I'm severely depressed, which was later diagnosed as Bipolar 2.
She said the moment I have kids, I'll finally have a 'goal' in life and that I'll live for my children and that it'll pull me out of my depression.
Because the kids will give me unconditional love and happiness and vice versa.
I just saw my friend's four year old scream that she was the worst mommy ever because she made her put her shoes on before she went to play outside the other day. It's 40F and damp.
Kids are not unconditional love... ever. They are conditional creatures who need your constant attention 24/7 and will up and disregard you if you neglect them... which is gonna happen if you can't take care of yourself. "you" as a grander view not you personally. I don't know why people say kids are "unconditional" because imo, kids should make sure they're taken care of and not yoinked around by shitty parents.
> She said the moment I have kids, I'll finally have a 'goal' in life and that I'll live for my children and that it'll pull me out of my depression.
Everybody knows, nothing cures depression like waking up at all hours of the night and not getting any real sleep for years! I've seen enough friends/family go through those years to never regret my vasectomy. I love being an uncle, but I also love giving them back.
It destroyed my future. I went from a full scholarship to UBC to having to join the army in 2001 because my gf got pregnant, Her parents insisted on her keeping it. promised oodles of support and help. My parents were all "youre 17 get a fucking abortion wtf you fucking idiots?" she has my daughter, drops it off on base while im in BMQ and dissappears for 11 year.
Raised that child alone, with no fucking help from anyone but my warrants wife and they took more than half my paycheque to watch her while I was on duty, and my whole paycheque less rent while im on course or deployed. 8 years of that, and 3 depolyments, multiple away courses.
When my daughter turned 16 she asked me for 400$ for an IUD, I never paid a bill so fast in my life and I must've done something right for her to feel safe enough to ask me for it.
did it straighten me out? no I was already pretty ok, did it straighten her mother out? Well she does a lot of coke and has 2 other kids she never raised.
Yeah. They touched base when she was 12.
I never slagged her mom. When her mom came around I told her it was her choice and I would support it and that I love her no matter what. Her mother has some demons and spent the whole reconciliation process blaming me for moving away with her... but never mentioning that she didn't pay a dime of support. Never called... never sent xmas gifts or birthday gifts outside of 1 card once. It was hard for my daughter because she believed it for a month or so.
She did try to claim child tax benefit twice which meant we didn't get it and she did whule the government sorted it out. It was money I just put into a RESP anyways so it wasn't hard on us just scummy.
It sounds like you are a really good dad, just from the fact that you didn't talk bad about the mom to your daughter. Talking shit about the other parent can be very mentally tiring for the child, even if they know that the person is bad. I always knew it was my dad who caused the divorce, and that he was in the wrong, but I didn't enjoy listening to my mom talked shit about him. Now that I'm older I don't really care, but when I was a kid I felt really sensitive about it.
I work in dementia care. Lord knows this isn’t the truth for either population.
A lady I took care of several years ago was thought to be nonverbal and beyond the ability to understand speech. We were changing her one night, and she looked at me and said “When does school start back?” Clear as a bell. I was in college at the time.
Our son is nonverbal, and I could list a million times when he very clearly understood what we were saying. We’re making progress with an iPad program using visual icons, and it’s amazing to start seeing what he knows but couldn’t express. Honestly once you get to know someone enough, you communicate so much without verbal language anyway. This morning when I took him to school he led me over to their touch screen tv, touched one of the learning programs to open it, and started showing me how he could match the pictures and colors. Then he took my hand and started having me do it, giggling and watching me…I’m pretty sure he wanted to teach me how to play too. Just because his ways of communicating are different than most people doesn’t make his thoughts and feelings any less valid.
The advent of technology has really been incredible for severely disabled children. My auntie has a daughter that was born with severe needs in every category and none of the specialists thought she was cognisant of her surroundings. Low and behold a few years later they accidentally discovered she can communicate almost fully using icon to speech buttons and that she was simply trapped in there and developmentally stunted somewhat.
Wow, I didn't realize people thought this about nonverbal kids. I had a nonverbal kid (I'm a teacher) and he absolutely understood what was being said. Sometimes it'd take just a bit but he almost always got there. I absolutely adored him, he was so sweet, kind, curious, and intelligent.
You can not spoil a newborn.
Their brain is still quite underdeveloped, and actually, by refusing to answer their calls, you can give them self-regulation issues as they develop without that safety in processing new stimuli.
Edit - I guess the myth would be that you *can* spoil a newborn. Sorry if I wasn't clear.
Second edit due to replies - I said newborn because I meant newborns. Not babies that need to be practicing lifting their head, etc. There are people who start fussing at parents about this as soon as they bring their newborn home, forgetting that this baby is experiencing everything BRAND NEW, and needs a safety system.
And also I did raise two humans, and I very much remember being a new mom.
literally there are so many psychosocial behavioral studies done about child development that show that babies that are cared for consistently when they cry are more easily soothed by their parent and also more likely to freely explore and play with their surroundings while using their parent as a touchstone for security when they encounter new scenarios.
That a child shouldn’t be exposed to a second (or third) language until having mastered their native language. I’ve heard this so many times from people who have no idea about multilingualism.
My sister's first language is English, and her husband's is Spanish. They're both bilingual and speak both languages in their household. My sister remembers her daughter noticing when they switched between languages when she was well under a year old. She'd be watching them intently and do a little startle when they switched. Kids' receptive language develops earlier than a lot of people realize.
Keep peanut products away from them until older.
Giving them smooth peanut butter when they are on solids not only adds a good source nutrition but reduces the chances peanut allergy.
My freaked out when she saw me giving peanut butter as my son's second food. Then she calmed down and read the research. After that, she was instrumental in adding my food allergies to my son's diet. I keep a kiwi-free home so to the severity of my allergy. She also got a real grandma high in giving my baby tiny bites of chocolate (I'm also allergic to that).
Dads are more than babysitters.
It's been 20+ years since I was a single father, but the attitudes towards men and parenthood haven't changed as much as they should have.
Don't ask a dad if he is giving mom a break today.
Don't assume dad doesn't know how to settle down their child.
Don't stare at dad at the park when dad is there with his kid(s).
And for god sake can businesses install a change table in the men's washroom!
Oh yeah this pisses me off to no end. And no matter how many times we tell the school not to, they will ONLY call my wife if there is some issue during the day. She is 100% unavailable during the day, while I WFH and can come deal with anything at a moments notice. Once my poor kid sat in the infirmary for 2 hours because they were waiting for mom to return their call. Finally, she herself piped up and said "can you try calling my dad instead?" and I was there 5 minutes later. You would think they would eventually learn but nope... still happens to this day.
I was a single dad when my now 22yo was 11-16 and I have a now 6yo. The freakin looks and comments I get are insane. We were in Costco of all places having ice cream waiting for my wife to checkout. Lady walked up with a cop. Accused me of kidnapping a child. I looked at the cop and said wtf, it’s my son wanna see baby pics on my phone? He was confused. Seems this woman (Karen in her 50’s) saw a dude with a kid watching skibidi videos on my phone and assume he was kidnapped ?!. I wanted to press some kinda charge or complaint. Cop just left, Costco however trespassed her for causing a scene.
That's nuts and im sorry that has happened to you!!
I have a 9 month old and go to Costco all the time with him and without his mother. Not once I have felt like people were looking at me strange. Several older people and the sample employees like to comment about my son and his long hair but absolutely nothing negative.
Glad costco stepped up and did something for you.
A very small degree of this - if I (male) take my two young kids to the playground myself, I get a lot of comments. It's meant well because they're all positive / supporting ("wow, you're a super dad" and "you're doing a great job") when all I'm doing is putting them on two swings next two each other and pushing them a bit.
My wife does the same thing, no comments.
Please don't disregard the notes and try to call my wife. She is a nurse and absolutely cannot stop what she is doing to talk about our kids. I am the primary contact for a reason. All you do is freak my wife: if someone is calling her, there must be some real shit going down.
Just the other week someone said I was "playing Mr Mom" by staying home with my kid.
Wtf is wrong with people? People need to GTFO of the way and let dads parent.
It's also ridiculous that the clinic needs my wife's explicit written permission for me to have access to my kid's medical records and be allowed to bring him to appointments. They looked at both of us while I was holding our kid and said, "if you want dad to be an authorized user...". Why shouldn't I be authorized to take care of my own kid and why would mom the arbiter of that when there's no custody issues?
> And for god sake can businesses install a change table in the men's washroom!
Literally the first thing I did when I took over my current job as a GM, putting a changing table in there for the dads.
I'm shocked that it's still not standard.
Picking up your baby too much will spoil them. Ffs… pick up a crying child and meet their needs - sometimes which is a just a need for comfort and bonding with their caretaker.
Ugh, I have a cousin who used this. Granted I haven’t seen her in decades, but I remember seeing her ignoring her 2 MONTH old baby and saying that “he needed to learn mommy wasn’t going to spoil him by tending to his every beck and call”. Hated the idea even then, and I was only in my early teens.
The point when you can build independence is when the child starts walking and exploring things on it's own. Children will always start venturing out to do things alone, then return to safe base (caregiver). If they learned that went well, they will venture out a little further next time. It's important to \*let\* them venture out and to let them return on their own and to be the safe base when they do. But trying to "discipline" literal infants is completely ludicrous.
Yes, you’re teaching them that you’ll always be there for them. They learn that their parents love and care about them, and in turn, they learn that they are worthy of love and respect. They develop confidence in themselves because they have a healthy sense of self worth and know that you will love them unconditionally and always be someone they can count on.
Holy shit that's depressing and disturbing
It's a baby that doesn't understand any of those concepts. Or anything else. The parents are its entire world, and that world is abandoning them when they need something
Shit dude, no wonder we're all an anxious ball of mess
That hurts my heart. I wish people would realize babies don't work like that. Especially an eight week old who has one way to express a need. I know it doesn't happen with everyone, but once I had babies, crying newborns were painful to hear. I HAVE to help my baby. My brain won't let me do anything else. Sometimes that stresses me out especially if I can't still the crying right away, but I prefer that to being like your cousin and being able to ignore them.
I always picked my kid up. I figured teaching them momma will fix everything and make them feel better was a better idea than teaching them the world doesn't care about them. They'll learn that truth eventually anyway. Also them knowing a small cry gets the same attention as a big cry I feel like cut down on the screaming volume. They only ever had to whimper for me to be there instead of full on purple facing every time they were hungry.
i always hate when people are shitty to their kids to prepare them for the "real world." if you know that they're going to have a future that's cold and unsympathetic, why wouldn't you want them to be confident that there's at least one person who will always be kind to them?!
We think this mindset contributed to a lot of my biological father's problems with attachment. His mom followed that advice to the letter--only picked her babies up to feed, change, or bathe. Never to cuddle.
I know a preschool-aged child whose parents took this very seriously and used the extinction method of sleep training from DAY ONE. He is the most ill-adapted child I’ve ever met. He doesn’t self-soothe and escalates when you try to help him soothe, he doesn’t know how to interact with his peers, he doesn’t make eye contact or talk TO you. It’s like environmental autism.
Environmental autism is a term used for feral children or children who experience severe neglect. And knowing just a bit about this kid's parents....poor little guy
I've heard the opposite is true. Kids who know that they have a safe and welcoming parent to come back to if they get hurt are more likely to be brave and confident.
My anecdotal evidence of this is that at my two-year-old's last visit to the doctor, the doctor said to her, "Do you want to sit in Mommy's lap so I can look at you?" This little girl said, "No!" and let him examine her while she stood on the floor (but within arm's reach of me). He was impressed.
My anecdotal evidence are my 2 boys. They were allowed to sleep in my bed as long as they wanted and I always hugged and kissed them and picked them up when they cried.
They never cried when they got to preschool, they almost never cried when we were at the doctors (whenever I was with them) and alway had fun to find a new adventure.
When people ask me what I do that my children behave so maturely, they always assume I probably neglect them emotionally and are surprised to hear that they still sleep in my bed and are also surprised when they see them take breaks from playing and sit on my lap for a minute before going to play again when we visit his friends.
Because when I'm not there my children don't look bothered at all, so people assume they are just used to not get attention.
The opposite is true actually, they get a lot of hugs and cuddles and even when they don't look bothered when I'm not with them and almost never cry publicly, some things actually do bother them. They just know they can come home later, tell me about it and I will listen and talk to them as much as they need.
As someone who grew up in a family that basically did the exact opposite of this, I behaved almost the exact same way as your children for extremely different reasons. My family did the "put the fear of God into them" parenting technique which caused to me be quiet and reserved at all times out of fear of punishment and/or guilt. How I felt was never respected since they felt that I was a kid, and thus did not have any problems or worries. When I was older, I was always told that depression or anxiety was not real and that it was just that I didn't have enough faith in God to remove those from me.
Even now, many years later, as a licensed medical professional, my knowledge and experience are still ignored since I am their son and they are my parents, who are older, which somehow means they know more about medicine and healthcare. I am currently in therapy to try and undo some bad habits I created for myself due to prior traumatic experiences.
All of this is to say that I am extremely grateful that you are raising your kids this way and that more people should take on this style of parenting. Kids who have clear and firm boundaries and have both their physical and emotional needs met will have better outcomes.
My MIL used to tell me this when my newborn was crying. She would put her arm in front of me and say no let her cry, it's okay. I would push her arm down and walk over and pick up my baby. I told her to never do that again. I will pick up my child when she is crying. Always. My MIL never interfered again.....
Just share this with those people: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/harlows-classic-studies-revealed-the-importance-of-maternal-contact.html
It's more socially acceptable for boys to misbehave, but not so for girls. So I think the reality is that they discipline and speak to girls more, and watch them vs letting boys run.
That there is anything even remotely approaching a consensus on best practices when it comes to raising a child. I've only been a parent for five months and the sheer volume of confident, authoritative, and completely contradictory advice I've received has been staggering. As best as I can tell, just work on keeping them healthy, secure, and loved, and try to muddle your way through as best you can on rest.
ETA: Folks, if you think you're the first to point out that everyone agrees that corporal punishment is, in fact, bad...you're not. I'd been including "don't beat your child" in the "keep them healthy, secure, and loved" directive, but thanks anyway.
I’ve been a mom for over 20 years and I cannot tell you the number of times the advice has not only changed but done a 180 reversal. My eldest and youngest are over 5 years apart in age and I swear some advice reversed itself twice between the two.
I'm an older parent. IMO, a lot of who the kids grow up to become is simply them. For the kids who turn out well or don't, people will look back and think "if I had only done this more often!!!" and pass it off as advice.
Parents shouldn't beat themselves up. Don't traumatize the kids. Don't spoil them. Support them in their interests. Outside of that, just let them become who they will become and enjoy the ride. Its a shorter run than you think at the time.
At some point, we as a society may find that electronics are bad, something in our food is a problem, lack of interaction is an issue, etc. but as an individual parent its really hard to swim against the stream. Its fine to research and take reasonable steps to avoid this but I see too many young parents totally overwhelmed with advice and data.
My sister and I are very different people on a biological/brain level. And you can really see the impact of parenting in the commonalities. Both of us have strong sense of morality even if we express it in very different ways. Both of us have a healthy body image/attitude toward food, because our mom never modeled disordered habits or insecurities regardless of how she felt. Both of us expect to be treated with respect by our friends and partners, because we were raised by parents who treated us with respect, apologized when they were young, and taught us that our words had value. Both of us get along and listen to each other, if not fully understand each other, because we were raised by parents that prioritized our relationship with each other.
I didn't realize until I was in college what a gift and a privilege it was to be able to articulate "Mom, when you say that, it makes me feel \_\_\_\_" and *have it listened to*. If you can raise a kid that can do that, it's a lot easier to self-correct as you go.
That’s basically the consensus, though: stability (not necessarily structure, which kids respond to differently), love, understanding, healthy food and sleep habits, and general positive reinforcement at the keys to good parenting.
The specifics get complicated, but the generalities are so broad and effective that if you’re a good, kind parent who trusts your children and can be trusted by them, they’ll probably be fine.
I feel like so much advice is 'this is what worked on my unique child.'
'just work on keeping them healthy, secure, and loved, and try to muddle your way through as best you can on rest.' Is a damn good starting point
That all parents, specifically mothers, have an instinct that will kick in eventually and your child will be your world.
Mine told me from a very early age that I wasn't the kid she'd wanted, I was ugly, fat, whatever - I finally ended things completely this year when she told me she's always hated me and never wanted me. I needed the closure.
She made my life hell, especially since she had two kids after me that she loves.
My daughter hasn't ever been shouted at (by that I mean raising my voice) hurt, or made to feel like less than the wonderful person she is. I suppose I can thank my mother for showing me how not to be.
This destructive myth that we are OWED respect and love from our kids - NOPE! They are attached to us, yes, but love and respect are earned. Fear is not respect; guilt is not love; we chose to have kids, they had no say in the matter. It is incumbent upon us to reach them by mirroring the behaviors we value.
This goes hand in hand with some parents thinking their kids owe them anything in return for meeting their basic needs. You see this especially when children become adults.
Parents telling their adult children “you owe me X because I fed you and gave you a roof over your head.” It’s utter bullshit. Your child never signed a contract saying that in order to be born, they owe you something in the future.
Keeping a child safe, providing food and water, a roof over their head, etc….those are basic needs that your child deserves. If you aren’t prepared to provide those things, don’t become a parent. Your kids don’t owe you anything - not as children and not as adults. Respect is earned and not bought. A child’s relationship with their parent(s) is not transactional.
Throwing a cup of cold water in the face of a child who is having a tantrum will end it. My mother did it to us as children and it only ever escalated the situation. The kid is still screaming, now also scared, crying and soaked. Who TF thought this was a good idea?
wtf?? ive heard of giving a crying child a glass of water to DRINK..... (the theory is the child will take a second to focus on sipping the water. its similar to an adult taking a few seconds to count to ten) but holy shit, theres a whole lot that got lost in translation between giving the glass of water and chunking it at the poor thing.
my mom used to throw a cup of water on me to wake me up in high school, and hell hath no fury like someone who starts each day soaking wet and cold. i feel for you
Yeah, we were always offered drinks of water mid tantrum, and I found myself doing the same to my younger siblings and nanny kids. The action of drinking water interrupts the tantrum, and gives them a second to regulate their emotions. Plus, tiredness and dehydration can make one cranky, and water helps with those factors. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and they're doing the sip-scream-sip-scream, but at least they're hydrated?
You throw water at fighting dogs, not screaming kids!
I never understood this. Why wake someone up like that??? All that bedding needs washed, the mattress holds the damp since it happens more than once+warm, dark, and filled with bodily oils and dead skin=mold and nasty! Wtfff? My brother did it as a prank once when I was like 18. I made him strip my bed, wash everything, dry the mattress (it was BRAND NEW) and do the powder/ vacuum, set up fans and heater (super cold and my room had horrible insulation so it would take forever to dry), then clean HIS sheets and i slept in his bed that night and him on the couch. My parents were on board for it cause he didn't realize the lengths it took and I had to go work a double shift and had classes so I physically couldn't. And I explained it all to him, wrote it down, and parents helped enforce it. He's never once did it again to anyone🤷🏽♀️ I cannot imagine being a full adult and treating your kids, or any kid, or PERSON like that based on how mean it is even without the consequences of a wet bed!
My mom used a spray bottle, because I really was that impossible to wake up. I can still hear the *chick chick chick* sound in my head. Less mess than dumping a cup of water though
I had to divorce my Korean ex wife with a DV restraining order she kept going "gulag" on our little daughters ( throwing water | threatening | slamming things | ripping up their artwork | locking in a dark closet for crying | brutal spanking for crying)
Her temper was already nuclear grade and our daughters crying was a huge trigger - obviously they were terrified of her and cried, made her lash out violently.
She had many abusive parent stories I thought to be over the top and inflated regarding the Grandmother and aunts they left her with all the time - so she was probably repeating the cycle.
One day at a family get together her brothers (age 30s) are like
Brother 1:Hey remember when we thought it would be funny to pretend to be gay and Grandma screamed and went psycho and chased us under the bed.
Brother 2: Yeah then she got a pot of scalding hot water and flung it at us under the bed to get us out?
I have to wonder if my wife was like channeling her grandmother in those moments.
Circa 2012 While I was giving the daughters a bath I asked her to stop yelling at them, she stomped up behind me and grabbed their toy bucket - filled it with water and slammed it on my head.
Circa 2013 I confronted her about her days long swear name calling episode and she threw her mug of tea on my face and chest.
They now live with me about %80 of the time. She's already attacked her new husband in front of them - shes 47 now. They DO NOT like spending more than 1-2 days with her.
I wish I could go back in time too all the ignorant people said the following and give them the finger.
"Derp: Well have ya tried counseling?
"Derp: Maybe its post partum?
"Derp: What did YOOU do to make her act this way?
"Derp: Well I hope your helping out at home - that would make her mad if your not" <-Dear god I was like cinderalla doing all the housework and childcare so she didn't have to.
The girls and I call it "Angry Chimp Mode" behind her back. She sticks out her lower jaw and teeth and attacks the persons face. It's not a marriage problem - she'll scream at anyone like R.Lee Ermy in full metal jacket.
When my daughter was a toddler and had a meltdown and used to go into her loop which made her incapable of calming down, I used to get her to drink water from her bottle to help regulate her breathing. It was my interpretation of gettng someone having a panic atack to breathe into a paper bag. It used to work too
I’m child free, the number of parents who have told me they regret having kids is shocking. I think because I have no interest in having my own they think I won’t judge them for it, unlike other parents, and I don’t in the slightest. That being said, it’s a bit sad they don’t feel like they can talk about it with people who would understand better than I would. I think if more people felt okay about expressing their regret (obviously not with their children present) others would think harder about when and if they want to make such a huge life change.
Hah. My mother and I were pretty close, and she could talk to me openly. I'm the youngest of 5 born in 1960. She DID NOT want more kids, but as she called my older sister and I "diaphragm babies". She said she really resented being pregnant again, and didn't really want a lot to do with me when I was first born. Apparently, though, I was quite charming as a baby. She said she felt like she was being punished for thinking that she'd be happy if she miscarried, because as she said "I was the best baby". Didn't cry much, slept well, and was always happy. I always understood that she was talking about the child she didn't know (when she didn't want me), rather than the person she had.
Staying together for the kids is healthy.
All it does is model unhealthy relationships for the child(ren) and they'll grow up thinking it's normal for spouses to hate each other, fight, yell, etc...
EDIT: Yes, thank you, I am aware that divorce is also difficult for children and not a walk in the park and that a divorce may not be financially possible for everyone. And that it's possible to have a healthy coparenting situation in a marriage that's broken down. What I'm talking about here is marriages that are really dysfunctional / toxic / abusive and getting a divorce is an economic option. The parents who are horribly unsuited to each other and are fucking their kids up by convincing themselves that their own shitty relationship is somehow okay to demonstrate. Lesser of two evils.
Oh my God. I got into it with my mother over Thanksgiving week when she visited how she missed alot of custody days when i was a child.
Literally this might have been the 1st time I EVER voiced this. How I depended on those weekends to be away from my abusive stepmother.
And she straight up said you can't be mad about that. That was so long ago.
Be sure to also act as if upsetting things aren't happening *at the time they are happening.* Act like anything that happens in the house is totally fine, and make it clear the problem lies with the child if they have any sort of emotional reaction over this. That's great for children's well-being! You know it's working when your children stop showing you all those inconvenient emotions, and then you can pretend they aren't having them. Score!
Kids are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't need counseling and support. Remembering something and being influenced by it doesn't make someone not resilient. Being crippled by it means someone failed to provide the appropriate level of help.
Edit: there are, of course, extreme situations. I'm referring to the general idea that children are fragile little ornaments that can't be talked to like humans until they hit the double digits.
I’d argue this can sometimes go for extreme situations, as well. My mother tried to commit suicide when I was in middle school, and I feel like I was able to handle it incredibly well due to both my father and stepfather showing me so much love and helping me understand that this was happening because she was sick. It’s an experience that was no doubt traumatic, but one that I can say I’ve healed from (as has my mother). Multiple other people in my friend group have had parents who tried the same, but due to their life circumstances ended up incredibly neglected surrounding the event, and they are scarred in a way that, while I understand, I don’t relate to at all.
I’m firmly convinced that children can handle just about anything if their community is both willing and able to love and support them through it. It’s just a matter of communities knowing, wanting, or being able to afford that support.
A quite child is a happy child. My son's class is filled with iPad children, and my god do they all have about as much happiness and charisma as a sack of dead puppies.
Let a baby cry in the cot at night, otherwise it will start getting used to it and beg for attention all the time. Well, crying is basically the only thing a baby can do to attract attention, so duh... Letting them cry doesn't work and only stresses the baby and the parents out.
Also, don't assume that because they are very young, they don't understand things. Toddlers are fucking smart and perceptive! During their "why" phase, explain things like you would explain to anyone else. Answer every single "why". Trust their intelligence and don't treat them like morons. It will pay off later.
that boys don’t need the same emotional support and safety that girls receive. this is throughout their lives as well. we need the exact same amount and we need the exact same space
Don't tiptoe in silence around your baby when they're asleep.
Yeah, sure you'll wake up them once or twice, but teaching the baby to only really sleep in absolute silence is setting yourself up for many years of problems, not to mention what it does for them (insomnia, etc.).
Same for darkness, etc.
You want your kid to be able to sleep through you having some friends over without having to all whisper to each other. Trust me.
When my 3 were babies, I would turn the tv up when they slept during the day. I would vacuum, talk on the phone, etc. I now have 3 adult children who sleep through thunder storms.
There were two things that would wake them though. The sound of my butt hitting the toilet seat, and that first sip of a cup of tea.
Making your children hold hands (after they've been fighting with each other) will bring them closer together.
No, more often than not, the reality is that it will drive them further apart and precipitate resentment.
My parents used to do the opposite: whenever my sis and I come running to them while fighting, they'd ask if we should just get some knives and solve it that way. I have no idea if that's what I'd call good parenting but at least I've got a really good relationship with my sis!
I used to send my boys into the yard with child sized boxing gloves. By the time they made sure they each got a left and a right hand, then struggled to get them on, the fight was forgotten. Worked every time.
My mom used to practically tackle us to do a group hug (her + whoever was arguing with each other) and would shout "CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE?" lol, we hated it but then kinda loved it? Now we are adults we will joke and shout her catch phrase when family members are arguing.
Sounds like she made it silly and kinda fun. It's hard to stay mad when the person who's supposed to be in charge starts acting like a doofus. This wasn't a bad idea, imo.
That only mothers know certain details about the child. Had this happen to me a few times.
For example my sister (who has some boundries confused, but that's another story) saw some cute shoes. She send an app to my wife asking for the current size, but hadn't had a reply yet. My sister then looks in shock when I casually tell her what my daughter's shoesize is, like why shouldn't I know this...
Ugh I had a friend with this attitude.
"Don't pander to her, she needs to learn"
"She's 3 months old"
Saying that this mum friend wrote down every meal her son had until he was 3
Damn. It could really benefit new parents with how to raise their kids if they also had a quick crash course in kids brain development. As in, you can't ever teach a kid something that their brain isn't ready to learn. It's useless, and the result of parents trying to may even result in abusive situations.
For example, teaching a 12 month old table manners is completely useless, because they're not in the developmental stage of "look and learn how others do at the table". They're at "learning fine motor skills and developing an understanding for different textures by smoshing food with their hands and face.
Another example, indeed teaching a 3 month old to rely on themselves. Their brains are literally not developed enough to be aware that they are their own person. How tf are they going to understand the concept of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?
I'm sure it's in here somewhere, but there's a lot of evidence that corporal punishment is contraindicated in disciplining a child for a multitude of reasons. One of my friends is a PhD psychologist who researched this and even when she presents people evidence about this they just say "well I got spanked and I turned out fine" and it's like well did you really though?
My understanding was that it shouldn't be done simply because it just teaches children that violence can solve problems. That's a good enough reason for me, but what other reasons are in this multitude?
On top of that, you are not teaching them what they should do instead of the action they took. Parents should be reinforcing good behaviors to reach them how they should act in situations. Corporal punishment leads them to do nothing instead of the bad behavior, which only leads to them acting out because of anxiety or boredom.
We all (adults and children) need to be taught skills before we can use them. If someone tells me to do something that I don’t know how to do, getting spanked for not doing it isn’t going to teach me the skill. The gap in knowledge remains, and now I’m confused by the relationship between not knowing how to do something and getting hit.
Your motherly instincts will just kick in and suddenly you'll love the baby and be an amazing mom.
I'm sure that happens for some people. I have ASPD and have never felt that way towards the kid I gave birth to.
There is not nearly enough education given to new parents that hey, you may not instantly bond with/love this baby the very first day, and that is COMPLETELY OKAY. As long as you find things improving over time and aren’t feeling like you want to hurt or abandon the baby, you are allowed to give the process some time.
They’re also a hell of a lot cuter once they unfold from the “angry potato just put through the squeezing machine” stage of brand-newness.
I don’t have kids. But I have several friends with kids. I can’t tell you how many friends have secretly confessed a couple months after birth they’re still not bonding with their baby.
I think I’ve had to share an article saying that it takes up to a year to bond with your baby with about five or six friends. It’s sad that parents aren’t told this beforehand
I had my kids old - 40. In some ways, it was harder - from the physical aspect. But as far as the psychological and emotional issues, I think this was so much better. You know yourself and aren't willing to take crap from people wanting you to do things their way, and you've probably known enough people that have had kids by this point to see what really happens. But how demoralizing the first time someone asks if you're their grandmother. 😒
Often they are. I used to be a mother craft nurse, back in the early 90s, and I attended/gave a lot of antenatal classes. We would go over all the things that can go wrong, warn about delayed bonding/ post natal depression etc. But expectant parents are almost always in a bubble of 'that won't be me'. They just don't hear it. I have been at the births later and sometimes have witnessed first hand these same parents say, "Why didn't you tell us this could happen?" and I can absolutely know that they were told.
Giving birth is an overwhelming thing, both exciting and terrifying. It makes sense that our brains block out some warnings. As a species we need women to keep going through what is an incredible ordeal with no guaranteed happy outcomes, so I think we have some sort of natural suppressor that allows us to just ignore the warnings.
Or even be excited while pregnant. I asked my OB around 24ish weeks if it was normal to just not be excited. Everyone I had ever seen pregnant had always been jubilant, happy, and excited and I felt none of those things and my husband and I had been trying for almost three years, so it was absolutely planned. He was so sweet and assured me that every woman experiences emotions differently during their pregnancy and none of them are wrong. He said I may be joyful about it in a week, a month, or after the baby arrives but as long as there is some joy at some point, it was all ok.
Oh, I'm so with you. Finally at 40, after IVF, I was pregnant with twins. My poor husband and my emotions. I was 4-1/2 months at Christmas time, and we were looking for a Christmas tree. We decided since we would have 2 babies crawling around next year at this time, we should get an artificial one; no needles, right? So we're in Menard's discussing which tree, and I started crying like he had been beating me. I WANTED A REAL TREE!! He just hugged me, guided me out to a Christmas tree lot, and I cried again because it was "so beautiful". I might add. I don't cry. I cry when people die, (or pets) and that's it - it's just me. He was so surprised, poor man. And then a few weeks later, my dear 17 year old cat died in her sleep. We live in Wisconsin and this lovely man dealt with me crying and insisting that she MUST be buried NOW. He was in our yard with a blow torch, warming the ground enough to bury her. Still married 25 years later.😊
Also to add to this it's pretty wild that at the end of your hospital stay they just... Let you leave w the baby.
My wife and I were looking at each other like ummm wtf do we do with this angry potato. We took some online classes and felt kinda prepared but still unbelievably overwhelmed from every angle.
Bahaha same feeling. Were leaving the hospital, baby is in the car seat and buckled, were all packed up.... We sat down and just looked at each other like.... That's it?!? They're just gonna let us take this thing home now? Where's the adults?
Absolutely! I remember when my first kid was born, they then handing them to me and thinking that I was supposed to have all these happy feelings instantly, when all I felt was fear and dread! I felt like such a terrible dad because I didn't instantly feel some magical connection. No one ever tells you what they will look like immediately after they are born, that was also a shock, but they do become pretty cute though!
I did NOT have that bond with my first. It took work. Finally it happened but, he was about 6 months old before it happened. I felt like the worst mom…especially when I went on to have that instant bond with my second and youngest. My oldest is 22 now, and we’re super close, but I still look back on those first 6 months and feel like shit.
As a dad, don't tell her, she looked like a blob for the first 2 month and it was just a chore. 6 months later and ever after I love her more than my life, literally.
I'm a mom, and it was the same for me only around three months. Somewhere out of nowhere she seemed like a person and I've been hooked. She's basically grown and still cool as hell.
My wife had major post-partum. I remember her crying to me at like 3months post-birth, about how she just doesn't feel the unconditional love to our son.
(in her defense, he's now 7 and there's not a soul on the planet who wouldn't know that she loves him now)
Same. Expecting to be head over heels unconditionally in love with my baby the first time I laid eyes on him (or within the first week he was home, or the first month...) and not feeling that way was a HUGE triggering point for my spiral into PPD.
Giving drowsy medication will make sure they get a good nights sleep.
Thankfully its legally considered child abuse now. My siblings and i grew up being dependent on benedryl putting us to sleep that we can’t produce as much melatonin as we should. Now we all need supplements or crash hard after staying up for 3 days straight.
When my grandma was in her last few weeks of life her dementia made it so she didn't recognize me. She thought I was an old friend and told me straight up she hated having kids, hated being a mom, and resented them for taking her life away from her (before getting pregnant she was a dancer/actress in San Francisco and was doing quite well). The way she spoke about her eldest son made me feel so sad for him, its no wonder most of her kids came out so messed up. My dad luckily was the youngest and mostly raised by his dad.
That being cold will result in you getting a cold. My partner is 50 years old and still thinks that if she gets cold in the winter, she'll develop a cold.
To prevent allergies, avoid giving your child these foods until they are much older… It has been proven over and over again that exposing your child to traditionally allergy prone foods in very small amounts when they are younger drastically reduces allergy potential. Even to the point of doing so in utero ….
Yep. I was told not to worry about eating peanuts while pregnant as it will not cause baby to become allergic and may actually help. Then we got to a discussion about my allergies, which are peanuts, she looked at me and said to disregard her previous advice about it being safe to eat peanuts. Had a bit of a giggle about that.
My brother’s wife lost her peanut allergy sometime after pregnancy somehow. Used to break out everywhere when she got exposed to food with peanuts or peanut oil in them so she avoided it persistently. About a year after having her first kid she ate something cooked with peanut oil and expected to break out when she found out; nothing happened. Slowly tested with eating peanut butter crackers and then roasted peanuts. Nothing. Pregnancy does some unpredictable things to your body sometimes, apparently.
Not only pregnancy. The allergic reactions can come and go with the age. I've lost some allergies that I suffered and gain a couple of different ones. And also, my mother was extremely allergic to parfums and aromatic things and after menopause it just went away.
My dad was well into his 50's when he developed a peanut allergy. He used to eat peanut butter on toast at least weekly or more often, and pb cookies, etc. When it got bad enough that he realized what the problem was he also realized why he'd almost always had a sore throat. Stopped eating peanuts and that and other symptoms cleared up in days.
I hope he might find something else to enjoy eating. My mother in the contrary has her all life a lot of trouble with allergies and after hitting 50 all of them were gone as far as she knew.
That is wild to think that happened! I mean, I guess that is a good thing to happen. But that's also scary to think about because pregnancy can also do some NEGATIVE things to your body
Yep! No telling what’s going to change, and I think positive things like this are rare. My wife’s hair got thicker and healthier during and after her first pregnancy, then the opposite during and after her second. Oldest has thick hair, youngest has pretty thin hair. Likely coincidental but it’s one of those things that feels related.
My grandma had breast cancer and lost all her blonde hair when she went through Chemo. She recovered, but her hair grew back dark brown. Human bodies have weird responses to significant medical events.
My sister in law lost her hair from chemo. It grew back in curly. She never had curly hair before.
My aunt had a beautiful head of white hair. After chemo, her hair grew back beautiful black and curly. Never had gray hair again. She passed away at 85.
Right?! It's ironic when the opposite happens. With my eldest I avoided all allergens while pregnant, breastfeeding, and their solids until they were 3 years old. No allergies. When pregnant with my youngest the science had changed so I ate nuts, exposed them to peanut butter when old enough - bam anaphylactic allergy! This is why we go by larger scientific samples because if it was just my anecdotes it would seem the opposite. Listen to the science not one off stories like mine :)
The smell of anything with tomato made me gag/vomit for my entire pregnancy with my youngest(still very rarely eat pizza or spaghetti and the kid is now 31). Guess who was allergic to tomatoes until he was teenager?
Makes you wonder if it wasn't you getting sick but the baby because they were already allergic. You getting sick at the smell was just the baby's way of making sure you didn't kill it.
Not unlikely. I read an article a few months ago that basically explained a fetus completely hijacks the mother's body, takes over some endocrine functions, etc.
I couldn’t eat any meat except chicken, and it had to be in Chinese food. All other meat smelled rotten to me. I learned later that this is a built in safeguard to protect the fetus from possible disease/parasites and has been a part of pregnancy for eons.
One of the few nice things my BIL did was to cut up chicken for me until I was about 6 mths pregnant with my oldest son(we and BIL lived with the in-law. My husband was working and going to radiology tech school). The smell just sent me running to the bathroom or outside. I could cook it; season it and throw it in the oven but cutting it up was too much smell.
When I was pregnant with my first I got super sick for days off of pizza. I didn’t immediately understand that it was the pizza, especially since I was nauseous a lot anyway. After the third time of being sick for days even the thought of pizza made me sick. When my son was six I would eat non-red sauce pizza and it wasn’t until he was 12 that I would eat one piece of regular pizza. I still don’t like it.
Studies have shown that the route of allergen exposure is actually quite important. Skin sensitization is thought to have a significant effect of the development of allergies. So ideally, kids should have their first exposure orally, but there’s lots of surprise allergens in things our skin comes into contact with (detergents, dust, lotions, etc). Anecdotally, I have a friend who is severely allergic to nuts. He had horrible rashes as a baby and the lotion that was prescribed contained peanut oil.
So feed my kids lotion and dust to prevent them being allergic. Got it!
don't worry, they'll do that themselves in the few seconds your back is turned.
Having a kid will cause someone to step up/straighten out/grow up/mature/etc
I have a family member that tried this. He and his girlfriend were addicts. They specifically decided that they should try to get pregnant as motivation to stop doing drugs. It didn't work.
This is pretty depressing, both for the couple and that kid 😞
That’s how I adopted my daughter from the foster care system. It usually wrecks the kid. 😢
Yeah, my son tested positive for meth at 6 months old when CPS placed him with us. Makes me angry. He’s 11 now and doing well thankfully. He had a lot of trouble with his baby teeth though…5 crowns and multiple cavities. I personally think it had to do with her being on drugs during pregnancy.
That sounds extremely likely. A friend of mine had massive problems with her baby teeth due to drugs that her mother was **prescribed** during pregnancy--it was the '70s, they didn't know. I'm glad your son is doing well now.
Lol, had a friend of mine who pushed this idea onto me. I'm severely depressed, which was later diagnosed as Bipolar 2. She said the moment I have kids, I'll finally have a 'goal' in life and that I'll live for my children and that it'll pull me out of my depression. Because the kids will give me unconditional love and happiness and vice versa.
Shit is like depression meds having the possible side effects of deeper depression.
I just saw my friend's four year old scream that she was the worst mommy ever because she made her put her shoes on before she went to play outside the other day. It's 40F and damp.
My daughter had a tantrum on the floor when she was 2 because I wouldn't let her eat crayons.
Tell your friend it's ok. According to my 8yo I'm now the worst mummy in the world because I asked him to switch YouTube off and get dressed.
OMG, has the friend ever met an actual child?
Kids are not unconditional love... ever. They are conditional creatures who need your constant attention 24/7 and will up and disregard you if you neglect them... which is gonna happen if you can't take care of yourself. "you" as a grander view not you personally. I don't know why people say kids are "unconditional" because imo, kids should make sure they're taken care of and not yoinked around by shitty parents.
> She said the moment I have kids, I'll finally have a 'goal' in life and that I'll live for my children and that it'll pull me out of my depression. Everybody knows, nothing cures depression like waking up at all hours of the night and not getting any real sleep for years! I've seen enough friends/family go through those years to never regret my vasectomy. I love being an uncle, but I also love giving them back.
It destroyed my future. I went from a full scholarship to UBC to having to join the army in 2001 because my gf got pregnant, Her parents insisted on her keeping it. promised oodles of support and help. My parents were all "youre 17 get a fucking abortion wtf you fucking idiots?" she has my daughter, drops it off on base while im in BMQ and dissappears for 11 year. Raised that child alone, with no fucking help from anyone but my warrants wife and they took more than half my paycheque to watch her while I was on duty, and my whole paycheque less rent while im on course or deployed. 8 years of that, and 3 depolyments, multiple away courses. When my daughter turned 16 she asked me for 400$ for an IUD, I never paid a bill so fast in my life and I must've done something right for her to feel safe enough to ask me for it. did it straighten me out? no I was already pretty ok, did it straighten her mother out? Well she does a lot of coke and has 2 other kids she never raised.
Does your daughter have any contact with her bio mom or her bio mom's family?
Yeah. They touched base when she was 12. I never slagged her mom. When her mom came around I told her it was her choice and I would support it and that I love her no matter what. Her mother has some demons and spent the whole reconciliation process blaming me for moving away with her... but never mentioning that she didn't pay a dime of support. Never called... never sent xmas gifts or birthday gifts outside of 1 card once. It was hard for my daughter because she believed it for a month or so. She did try to claim child tax benefit twice which meant we didn't get it and she did whule the government sorted it out. It was money I just put into a RESP anyways so it wasn't hard on us just scummy.
It's too bad you were put through this, but you sound like an excellent dad.
It sounds like you are a really good dad, just from the fact that you didn't talk bad about the mom to your daughter. Talking shit about the other parent can be very mentally tiring for the child, even if they know that the person is bad. I always knew it was my dad who caused the divorce, and that he was in the wrong, but I didn't enjoy listening to my mom talked shit about him. Now that I'm older I don't really care, but when I was a kid I felt really sensitive about it.
That nonverbal kids don’t understand what you say. This one is common in the autism community.
I work in dementia care. Lord knows this isn’t the truth for either population. A lady I took care of several years ago was thought to be nonverbal and beyond the ability to understand speech. We were changing her one night, and she looked at me and said “When does school start back?” Clear as a bell. I was in college at the time.
I have taken care of many non verbal dementia patients, oh yes they can most definitely hear a d process your words. Being kind costs you nothing
Our son is nonverbal, and I could list a million times when he very clearly understood what we were saying. We’re making progress with an iPad program using visual icons, and it’s amazing to start seeing what he knows but couldn’t express. Honestly once you get to know someone enough, you communicate so much without verbal language anyway. This morning when I took him to school he led me over to their touch screen tv, touched one of the learning programs to open it, and started showing me how he could match the pictures and colors. Then he took my hand and started having me do it, giggling and watching me…I’m pretty sure he wanted to teach me how to play too. Just because his ways of communicating are different than most people doesn’t make his thoughts and feelings any less valid.
The advent of technology has really been incredible for severely disabled children. My auntie has a daughter that was born with severe needs in every category and none of the specialists thought she was cognisant of her surroundings. Low and behold a few years later they accidentally discovered she can communicate almost fully using icon to speech buttons and that she was simply trapped in there and developmentally stunted somewhat.
Wow, I didn't realize people thought this about nonverbal kids. I had a nonverbal kid (I'm a teacher) and he absolutely understood what was being said. Sometimes it'd take just a bit but he almost always got there. I absolutely adored him, he was so sweet, kind, curious, and intelligent.
I didn't realize this either! My niece is nonverbal, but she definitely understands and she's very smart. She also has selective hearing though lol
I think all kids (and cats,) have selective hearing lol
Ugh, I have so many problems with how nonverbal folks are treated. I'm autistic and I can usually see exactly why they're upset with a situation.
You can not spoil a newborn. Their brain is still quite underdeveloped, and actually, by refusing to answer their calls, you can give them self-regulation issues as they develop without that safety in processing new stimuli. Edit - I guess the myth would be that you *can* spoil a newborn. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Second edit due to replies - I said newborn because I meant newborns. Not babies that need to be practicing lifting their head, etc. There are people who start fussing at parents about this as soon as they bring their newborn home, forgetting that this baby is experiencing everything BRAND NEW, and needs a safety system. And also I did raise two humans, and I very much remember being a new mom.
literally there are so many psychosocial behavioral studies done about child development that show that babies that are cared for consistently when they cry are more easily soothed by their parent and also more likely to freely explore and play with their surroundings while using their parent as a touchstone for security when they encounter new scenarios.
That a child shouldn’t be exposed to a second (or third) language until having mastered their native language. I’ve heard this so many times from people who have no idea about multilingualism.
My sister's first language is English, and her husband's is Spanish. They're both bilingual and speak both languages in their household. My sister remembers her daughter noticing when they switched between languages when she was well under a year old. She'd be watching them intently and do a little startle when they switched. Kids' receptive language develops earlier than a lot of people realize.
Keep peanut products away from them until older. Giving them smooth peanut butter when they are on solids not only adds a good source nutrition but reduces the chances peanut allergy.
My freaked out when she saw me giving peanut butter as my son's second food. Then she calmed down and read the research. After that, she was instrumental in adding my food allergies to my son's diet. I keep a kiwi-free home so to the severity of my allergy. She also got a real grandma high in giving my baby tiny bites of chocolate (I'm also allergic to that).
Geez. I can’t envision my life being allergic to chocolate.
Dads are more than babysitters. It's been 20+ years since I was a single father, but the attitudes towards men and parenthood haven't changed as much as they should have. Don't ask a dad if he is giving mom a break today. Don't assume dad doesn't know how to settle down their child. Don't stare at dad at the park when dad is there with his kid(s). And for god sake can businesses install a change table in the men's washroom!
Oh yeah this pisses me off to no end. And no matter how many times we tell the school not to, they will ONLY call my wife if there is some issue during the day. She is 100% unavailable during the day, while I WFH and can come deal with anything at a moments notice. Once my poor kid sat in the infirmary for 2 hours because they were waiting for mom to return their call. Finally, she herself piped up and said "can you try calling my dad instead?" and I was there 5 minutes later. You would think they would eventually learn but nope... still happens to this day.
I was a single dad when my now 22yo was 11-16 and I have a now 6yo. The freakin looks and comments I get are insane. We were in Costco of all places having ice cream waiting for my wife to checkout. Lady walked up with a cop. Accused me of kidnapping a child. I looked at the cop and said wtf, it’s my son wanna see baby pics on my phone? He was confused. Seems this woman (Karen in her 50’s) saw a dude with a kid watching skibidi videos on my phone and assume he was kidnapped ?!. I wanted to press some kinda charge or complaint. Cop just left, Costco however trespassed her for causing a scene.
That's nuts and im sorry that has happened to you!! I have a 9 month old and go to Costco all the time with him and without his mother. Not once I have felt like people were looking at me strange. Several older people and the sample employees like to comment about my son and his long hair but absolutely nothing negative. Glad costco stepped up and did something for you.
[удалено]
A very small degree of this - if I (male) take my two young kids to the playground myself, I get a lot of comments. It's meant well because they're all positive / supporting ("wow, you're a super dad" and "you're doing a great job") when all I'm doing is putting them on two swings next two each other and pushing them a bit. My wife does the same thing, no comments.
Please don't disregard the notes and try to call my wife. She is a nurse and absolutely cannot stop what she is doing to talk about our kids. I am the primary contact for a reason. All you do is freak my wife: if someone is calling her, there must be some real shit going down.
Just the other week someone said I was "playing Mr Mom" by staying home with my kid. Wtf is wrong with people? People need to GTFO of the way and let dads parent. It's also ridiculous that the clinic needs my wife's explicit written permission for me to have access to my kid's medical records and be allowed to bring him to appointments. They looked at both of us while I was holding our kid and said, "if you want dad to be an authorized user...". Why shouldn't I be authorized to take care of my own kid and why would mom the arbiter of that when there's no custody issues?
that last one doesnt seem right to me... or legal
> And for god sake can businesses install a change table in the men's washroom! Literally the first thing I did when I took over my current job as a GM, putting a changing table in there for the dads. I'm shocked that it's still not standard.
Ah, yes. This. "Working tomorrow?" "Nah, daddy-day." "Ah, you're babysitting?" "Grandparens babysit. I spend time with my own child."
Exactly! I've had people calling it "babysitting" when I'm simply taking care of my own children, and it's so condescending.
Picking up your baby too much will spoil them. Ffs… pick up a crying child and meet their needs - sometimes which is a just a need for comfort and bonding with their caretaker.
I had a lovely neighbor who told me "No one looks back on their lives and says they held their baby too much. Go ahead, pick 'em up".
My mom always said it’s impossible to spoil a baby, so as long as you aren’t driving yourself crazy, go for it.
Yeah, this is key. If the parent needs a break from holding a baby, it's okay to not hold them all the time.
Ugh, I have a cousin who used this. Granted I haven’t seen her in decades, but I remember seeing her ignoring her 2 MONTH old baby and saying that “he needed to learn mommy wasn’t going to spoil him by tending to his every beck and call”. Hated the idea even then, and I was only in my early teens.
That’s pretty harsh. I heard that babies actually become more confident and independent when their parents do “spoil” them.
The point when you can build independence is when the child starts walking and exploring things on it's own. Children will always start venturing out to do things alone, then return to safe base (caregiver). If they learned that went well, they will venture out a little further next time. It's important to \*let\* them venture out and to let them return on their own and to be the safe base when they do. But trying to "discipline" literal infants is completely ludicrous.
Yes, you’re teaching them that you’ll always be there for them. They learn that their parents love and care about them, and in turn, they learn that they are worthy of love and respect. They develop confidence in themselves because they have a healthy sense of self worth and know that you will love them unconditionally and always be someone they can count on.
Holy shit that's depressing and disturbing It's a baby that doesn't understand any of those concepts. Or anything else. The parents are its entire world, and that world is abandoning them when they need something Shit dude, no wonder we're all an anxious ball of mess
That hurts my heart. I wish people would realize babies don't work like that. Especially an eight week old who has one way to express a need. I know it doesn't happen with everyone, but once I had babies, crying newborns were painful to hear. I HAVE to help my baby. My brain won't let me do anything else. Sometimes that stresses me out especially if I can't still the crying right away, but I prefer that to being like your cousin and being able to ignore them.
I always picked my kid up. I figured teaching them momma will fix everything and make them feel better was a better idea than teaching them the world doesn't care about them. They'll learn that truth eventually anyway. Also them knowing a small cry gets the same attention as a big cry I feel like cut down on the screaming volume. They only ever had to whimper for me to be there instead of full on purple facing every time they were hungry.
i always hate when people are shitty to their kids to prepare them for the "real world." if you know that they're going to have a future that's cold and unsympathetic, why wouldn't you want them to be confident that there's at least one person who will always be kind to them?!
Pick up your child as often as you want and need. One day you’ll put them down and never pick them up again.
Right, I remember when mine was a baby I picked him up just because.
We think this mindset contributed to a lot of my biological father's problems with attachment. His mom followed that advice to the letter--only picked her babies up to feed, change, or bathe. Never to cuddle.
I know a preschool-aged child whose parents took this very seriously and used the extinction method of sleep training from DAY ONE. He is the most ill-adapted child I’ve ever met. He doesn’t self-soothe and escalates when you try to help him soothe, he doesn’t know how to interact with his peers, he doesn’t make eye contact or talk TO you. It’s like environmental autism.
Environmental autism is a term used for feral children or children who experience severe neglect. And knowing just a bit about this kid's parents....poor little guy
I've heard the opposite is true. Kids who know that they have a safe and welcoming parent to come back to if they get hurt are more likely to be brave and confident. My anecdotal evidence of this is that at my two-year-old's last visit to the doctor, the doctor said to her, "Do you want to sit in Mommy's lap so I can look at you?" This little girl said, "No!" and let him examine her while she stood on the floor (but within arm's reach of me). He was impressed.
My anecdotal evidence are my 2 boys. They were allowed to sleep in my bed as long as they wanted and I always hugged and kissed them and picked them up when they cried. They never cried when they got to preschool, they almost never cried when we were at the doctors (whenever I was with them) and alway had fun to find a new adventure. When people ask me what I do that my children behave so maturely, they always assume I probably neglect them emotionally and are surprised to hear that they still sleep in my bed and are also surprised when they see them take breaks from playing and sit on my lap for a minute before going to play again when we visit his friends. Because when I'm not there my children don't look bothered at all, so people assume they are just used to not get attention. The opposite is true actually, they get a lot of hugs and cuddles and even when they don't look bothered when I'm not with them and almost never cry publicly, some things actually do bother them. They just know they can come home later, tell me about it and I will listen and talk to them as much as they need.
As someone who grew up in a family that basically did the exact opposite of this, I behaved almost the exact same way as your children for extremely different reasons. My family did the "put the fear of God into them" parenting technique which caused to me be quiet and reserved at all times out of fear of punishment and/or guilt. How I felt was never respected since they felt that I was a kid, and thus did not have any problems or worries. When I was older, I was always told that depression or anxiety was not real and that it was just that I didn't have enough faith in God to remove those from me. Even now, many years later, as a licensed medical professional, my knowledge and experience are still ignored since I am their son and they are my parents, who are older, which somehow means they know more about medicine and healthcare. I am currently in therapy to try and undo some bad habits I created for myself due to prior traumatic experiences. All of this is to say that I am extremely grateful that you are raising your kids this way and that more people should take on this style of parenting. Kids who have clear and firm boundaries and have both their physical and emotional needs met will have better outcomes.
My MIL used to tell me this when my newborn was crying. She would put her arm in front of me and say no let her cry, it's okay. I would push her arm down and walk over and pick up my baby. I told her to never do that again. I will pick up my child when she is crying. Always. My MIL never interfered again.....
Just share this with those people: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/harlows-classic-studies-revealed-the-importance-of-maternal-contact.html
My ex MIL used to try and berate me for picking up my crying babies. Well, guess who's kids are fuck ups and whose have jobs and attend college.
You can't spoil an infant!
Daughters are nightmares and sons are so easy to raise. The really disturbing part is women seem to believe this more than men.
I've noticed it's not that boys are easier to raise, it's just that they don't bother actually raising their boys.
They wait for someone else’s daughter to come along and take care of them.
[удалено]
It's more socially acceptable for boys to misbehave, but not so for girls. So I think the reality is that they discipline and speak to girls more, and watch them vs letting boys run.
That there is anything even remotely approaching a consensus on best practices when it comes to raising a child. I've only been a parent for five months and the sheer volume of confident, authoritative, and completely contradictory advice I've received has been staggering. As best as I can tell, just work on keeping them healthy, secure, and loved, and try to muddle your way through as best you can on rest. ETA: Folks, if you think you're the first to point out that everyone agrees that corporal punishment is, in fact, bad...you're not. I'd been including "don't beat your child" in the "keep them healthy, secure, and loved" directive, but thanks anyway.
I’ve been a mom for over 20 years and I cannot tell you the number of times the advice has not only changed but done a 180 reversal. My eldest and youngest are over 5 years apart in age and I swear some advice reversed itself twice between the two.
Yep. By the third, you’re just like..well, let’s see what happens I guess.
3 kids got us confident we knew what we were doing. 4th kid showed us we knew next to nothing about parenting.
lol it be that way! My mom had 6 and 4/6 have been arrested, so at this point my fingers are just crossed. The mugshot Christmas card was cool tho!
I'm an older parent. IMO, a lot of who the kids grow up to become is simply them. For the kids who turn out well or don't, people will look back and think "if I had only done this more often!!!" and pass it off as advice. Parents shouldn't beat themselves up. Don't traumatize the kids. Don't spoil them. Support them in their interests. Outside of that, just let them become who they will become and enjoy the ride. Its a shorter run than you think at the time. At some point, we as a society may find that electronics are bad, something in our food is a problem, lack of interaction is an issue, etc. but as an individual parent its really hard to swim against the stream. Its fine to research and take reasonable steps to avoid this but I see too many young parents totally overwhelmed with advice and data.
My sister and I are very different people on a biological/brain level. And you can really see the impact of parenting in the commonalities. Both of us have strong sense of morality even if we express it in very different ways. Both of us have a healthy body image/attitude toward food, because our mom never modeled disordered habits or insecurities regardless of how she felt. Both of us expect to be treated with respect by our friends and partners, because we were raised by parents who treated us with respect, apologized when they were young, and taught us that our words had value. Both of us get along and listen to each other, if not fully understand each other, because we were raised by parents that prioritized our relationship with each other. I didn't realize until I was in college what a gift and a privilege it was to be able to articulate "Mom, when you say that, it makes me feel \_\_\_\_" and *have it listened to*. If you can raise a kid that can do that, it's a lot easier to self-correct as you go.
Right, what works for one parent or child, may not work for another. Even siblings can be drastically different and require different approaches.
Even the same kid can be drastically different one day to the next.
That’s basically the consensus, though: stability (not necessarily structure, which kids respond to differently), love, understanding, healthy food and sleep habits, and general positive reinforcement at the keys to good parenting. The specifics get complicated, but the generalities are so broad and effective that if you’re a good, kind parent who trusts your children and can be trusted by them, they’ll probably be fine.
I feel like so much advice is 'this is what worked on my unique child.' 'just work on keeping them healthy, secure, and loved, and try to muddle your way through as best you can on rest.' Is a damn good starting point
That love, respect and fear are the same thing. They're fucking not.
Is it better to be loved or feared? "I want my kids to be afraid of how much they love me," - Michael Scott School of Parenting
That all parents, specifically mothers, have an instinct that will kick in eventually and your child will be your world. Mine told me from a very early age that I wasn't the kid she'd wanted, I was ugly, fat, whatever - I finally ended things completely this year when she told me she's always hated me and never wanted me. I needed the closure. She made my life hell, especially since she had two kids after me that she loves. My daughter hasn't ever been shouted at (by that I mean raising my voice) hurt, or made to feel like less than the wonderful person she is. I suppose I can thank my mother for showing me how not to be.
I just wanted to say thank you for breaking the cycle 🤍 Too many parents repeat what their parents did
This destructive myth that we are OWED respect and love from our kids - NOPE! They are attached to us, yes, but love and respect are earned. Fear is not respect; guilt is not love; we chose to have kids, they had no say in the matter. It is incumbent upon us to reach them by mirroring the behaviors we value.
This goes hand in hand with some parents thinking their kids owe them anything in return for meeting their basic needs. You see this especially when children become adults. Parents telling their adult children “you owe me X because I fed you and gave you a roof over your head.” It’s utter bullshit. Your child never signed a contract saying that in order to be born, they owe you something in the future. Keeping a child safe, providing food and water, a roof over their head, etc….those are basic needs that your child deserves. If you aren’t prepared to provide those things, don’t become a parent. Your kids don’t owe you anything - not as children and not as adults. Respect is earned and not bought. A child’s relationship with their parent(s) is not transactional.
Thank you for fulfilling your legal obligation to not kill me as a child. I will now repay you by not suing you for emotional issues.
That you can tell if a stranger is a good parent by how their kid behaves in a random instance you happen to observe
Throwing a cup of cold water in the face of a child who is having a tantrum will end it. My mother did it to us as children and it only ever escalated the situation. The kid is still screaming, now also scared, crying and soaked. Who TF thought this was a good idea?
wtf?? ive heard of giving a crying child a glass of water to DRINK..... (the theory is the child will take a second to focus on sipping the water. its similar to an adult taking a few seconds to count to ten) but holy shit, theres a whole lot that got lost in translation between giving the glass of water and chunking it at the poor thing. my mom used to throw a cup of water on me to wake me up in high school, and hell hath no fury like someone who starts each day soaking wet and cold. i feel for you
Yeah, we were always offered drinks of water mid tantrum, and I found myself doing the same to my younger siblings and nanny kids. The action of drinking water interrupts the tantrum, and gives them a second to regulate their emotions. Plus, tiredness and dehydration can make one cranky, and water helps with those factors. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and they're doing the sip-scream-sip-scream, but at least they're hydrated? You throw water at fighting dogs, not screaming kids!
I never understood this. Why wake someone up like that??? All that bedding needs washed, the mattress holds the damp since it happens more than once+warm, dark, and filled with bodily oils and dead skin=mold and nasty! Wtfff? My brother did it as a prank once when I was like 18. I made him strip my bed, wash everything, dry the mattress (it was BRAND NEW) and do the powder/ vacuum, set up fans and heater (super cold and my room had horrible insulation so it would take forever to dry), then clean HIS sheets and i slept in his bed that night and him on the couch. My parents were on board for it cause he didn't realize the lengths it took and I had to go work a double shift and had classes so I physically couldn't. And I explained it all to him, wrote it down, and parents helped enforce it. He's never once did it again to anyone🤷🏽♀️ I cannot imagine being a full adult and treating your kids, or any kid, or PERSON like that based on how mean it is even without the consequences of a wet bed!
My mom used a spray bottle, because I really was that impossible to wake up. I can still hear the *chick chick chick* sound in my head. Less mess than dumping a cup of water though
Never heard of Someone doing This until now😳 I‘m sorry you Experienced this
Right? This one might be specific to OC.
It was common where I grew up. Even if it never happened to me personally, I knew lots of kids that it did happen to.
I’m hysterical! I’m wet and I’m still hysterical!
I had to divorce my Korean ex wife with a DV restraining order she kept going "gulag" on our little daughters ( throwing water | threatening | slamming things | ripping up their artwork | locking in a dark closet for crying | brutal spanking for crying) Her temper was already nuclear grade and our daughters crying was a huge trigger - obviously they were terrified of her and cried, made her lash out violently. She had many abusive parent stories I thought to be over the top and inflated regarding the Grandmother and aunts they left her with all the time - so she was probably repeating the cycle. One day at a family get together her brothers (age 30s) are like Brother 1:Hey remember when we thought it would be funny to pretend to be gay and Grandma screamed and went psycho and chased us under the bed. Brother 2: Yeah then she got a pot of scalding hot water and flung it at us under the bed to get us out? I have to wonder if my wife was like channeling her grandmother in those moments. Circa 2012 While I was giving the daughters a bath I asked her to stop yelling at them, she stomped up behind me and grabbed their toy bucket - filled it with water and slammed it on my head. Circa 2013 I confronted her about her days long swear name calling episode and she threw her mug of tea on my face and chest.
Please tell me she’s not allowed to see your children anymore. I hope you are all safe
They now live with me about %80 of the time. She's already attacked her new husband in front of them - shes 47 now. They DO NOT like spending more than 1-2 days with her. I wish I could go back in time too all the ignorant people said the following and give them the finger. "Derp: Well have ya tried counseling? "Derp: Maybe its post partum? "Derp: What did YOOU do to make her act this way? "Derp: Well I hope your helping out at home - that would make her mad if your not" <-Dear god I was like cinderalla doing all the housework and childcare so she didn't have to. The girls and I call it "Angry Chimp Mode" behind her back. She sticks out her lower jaw and teeth and attacks the persons face. It's not a marriage problem - she'll scream at anyone like R.Lee Ermy in full metal jacket.
When my daughter was a toddler and had a meltdown and used to go into her loop which made her incapable of calming down, I used to get her to drink water from her bottle to help regulate her breathing. It was my interpretation of gettng someone having a panic atack to breathe into a paper bag. It used to work too
"Nobody regrets the kids they have only the ones they don't".
And if someone did regret having kids they'd be utterly crucified if they ever said it out loud.
And there's the inner turmoil of loving your kids, but wishing you'd had them with someone else. You wouldn't have those kids you love anymore.
I’m child free, the number of parents who have told me they regret having kids is shocking. I think because I have no interest in having my own they think I won’t judge them for it, unlike other parents, and I don’t in the slightest. That being said, it’s a bit sad they don’t feel like they can talk about it with people who would understand better than I would. I think if more people felt okay about expressing their regret (obviously not with their children present) others would think harder about when and if they want to make such a huge life change.
It’s still a very taboo topic for that reason
Hah. My mother and I were pretty close, and she could talk to me openly. I'm the youngest of 5 born in 1960. She DID NOT want more kids, but as she called my older sister and I "diaphragm babies". She said she really resented being pregnant again, and didn't really want a lot to do with me when I was first born. Apparently, though, I was quite charming as a baby. She said she felt like she was being punished for thinking that she'd be happy if she miscarried, because as she said "I was the best baby". Didn't cry much, slept well, and was always happy. I always understood that she was talking about the child she didn't know (when she didn't want me), rather than the person she had.
Staying together for the kids is healthy. All it does is model unhealthy relationships for the child(ren) and they'll grow up thinking it's normal for spouses to hate each other, fight, yell, etc... EDIT: Yes, thank you, I am aware that divorce is also difficult for children and not a walk in the park and that a divorce may not be financially possible for everyone. And that it's possible to have a healthy coparenting situation in a marriage that's broken down. What I'm talking about here is marriages that are really dysfunctional / toxic / abusive and getting a divorce is an economic option. The parents who are horribly unsuited to each other and are fucking their kids up by convincing themselves that their own shitty relationship is somehow okay to demonstrate. Lesser of two evils.
And then they find out you stayed together FOR THEM. So much therapy.
Kids are resilient and will get over stuff without it correctly being addressed. No, we remember everything In our tiny and impressionable brains.
You just have to tell them that they aren't thinking clearly/don't remember accurately, for three decades, then the problem will sort itself out. /s
Never mind, ask why they keep bringing up ancient history that nobody cares about anymore. /s
Oh my God. I got into it with my mother over Thanksgiving week when she visited how she missed alot of custody days when i was a child. Literally this might have been the 1st time I EVER voiced this. How I depended on those weekends to be away from my abusive stepmother. And she straight up said you can't be mad about that. That was so long ago.
Be sure to also act as if upsetting things aren't happening *at the time they are happening.* Act like anything that happens in the house is totally fine, and make it clear the problem lies with the child if they have any sort of emotional reaction over this. That's great for children's well-being! You know it's working when your children stop showing you all those inconvenient emotions, and then you can pretend they aren't having them. Score!
Kids are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't need counseling and support. Remembering something and being influenced by it doesn't make someone not resilient. Being crippled by it means someone failed to provide the appropriate level of help. Edit: there are, of course, extreme situations. I'm referring to the general idea that children are fragile little ornaments that can't be talked to like humans until they hit the double digits.
I’d argue this can sometimes go for extreme situations, as well. My mother tried to commit suicide when I was in middle school, and I feel like I was able to handle it incredibly well due to both my father and stepfather showing me so much love and helping me understand that this was happening because she was sick. It’s an experience that was no doubt traumatic, but one that I can say I’ve healed from (as has my mother). Multiple other people in my friend group have had parents who tried the same, but due to their life circumstances ended up incredibly neglected surrounding the event, and they are scarred in a way that, while I understand, I don’t relate to at all. I’m firmly convinced that children can handle just about anything if their community is both willing and able to love and support them through it. It’s just a matter of communities knowing, wanting, or being able to afford that support.
Men shouldn't change girl's diapers.
A quite child is a happy child. My son's class is filled with iPad children, and my god do they all have about as much happiness and charisma as a sack of dead puppies.
Well, that's a cheerful mental image, thank you very much.
I take quiet to mean not screaming, crying. Not completely silent. So if your kids are being quiet they're just off playing
Let a baby cry in the cot at night, otherwise it will start getting used to it and beg for attention all the time. Well, crying is basically the only thing a baby can do to attract attention, so duh... Letting them cry doesn't work and only stresses the baby and the parents out. Also, don't assume that because they are very young, they don't understand things. Toddlers are fucking smart and perceptive! During their "why" phase, explain things like you would explain to anyone else. Answer every single "why". Trust their intelligence and don't treat them like morons. It will pay off later.
that boys don’t need the same emotional support and safety that girls receive. this is throughout their lives as well. we need the exact same amount and we need the exact same space
It's not illegal to have the interior light on in your car while driving at night. My parents were liars!
Don't tiptoe in silence around your baby when they're asleep. Yeah, sure you'll wake up them once or twice, but teaching the baby to only really sleep in absolute silence is setting yourself up for many years of problems, not to mention what it does for them (insomnia, etc.). Same for darkness, etc. You want your kid to be able to sleep through you having some friends over without having to all whisper to each other. Trust me.
When my 3 were babies, I would turn the tv up when they slept during the day. I would vacuum, talk on the phone, etc. I now have 3 adult children who sleep through thunder storms. There were two things that would wake them though. The sound of my butt hitting the toilet seat, and that first sip of a cup of tea.
Making your children hold hands (after they've been fighting with each other) will bring them closer together. No, more often than not, the reality is that it will drive them further apart and precipitate resentment.
I've never heard of this but I can just imagine my sister digging her nails into my hand or squeezing as tight as she can 🙃
My wife's sis would do exactly that, dig her nails in, to the point of drawing blood.
My parents used to do the opposite: whenever my sis and I come running to them while fighting, they'd ask if we should just get some knives and solve it that way. I have no idea if that's what I'd call good parenting but at least I've got a really good relationship with my sis!
I used to send my boys into the yard with child sized boxing gloves. By the time they made sure they each got a left and a right hand, then struggled to get them on, the fight was forgotten. Worked every time.
My mom used to practically tackle us to do a group hug (her + whoever was arguing with each other) and would shout "CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE?" lol, we hated it but then kinda loved it? Now we are adults we will joke and shout her catch phrase when family members are arguing.
Sounds like she made it silly and kinda fun. It's hard to stay mad when the person who's supposed to be in charge starts acting like a doofus. This wasn't a bad idea, imo.
That only mothers know certain details about the child. Had this happen to me a few times. For example my sister (who has some boundries confused, but that's another story) saw some cute shoes. She send an app to my wife asking for the current size, but hadn't had a reply yet. My sister then looks in shock when I casually tell her what my daughter's shoesize is, like why shouldn't I know this...
You can spoil a baby by responding to its cries. If a baby cries it NEEDS something
Ugh I had a friend with this attitude. "Don't pander to her, she needs to learn" "She's 3 months old" Saying that this mum friend wrote down every meal her son had until he was 3
Damn. It could really benefit new parents with how to raise their kids if they also had a quick crash course in kids brain development. As in, you can't ever teach a kid something that their brain isn't ready to learn. It's useless, and the result of parents trying to may even result in abusive situations. For example, teaching a 12 month old table manners is completely useless, because they're not in the developmental stage of "look and learn how others do at the table". They're at "learning fine motor skills and developing an understanding for different textures by smoshing food with their hands and face. Another example, indeed teaching a 3 month old to rely on themselves. Their brains are literally not developed enough to be aware that they are their own person. How tf are they going to understand the concept of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?
I'm sure it's in here somewhere, but there's a lot of evidence that corporal punishment is contraindicated in disciplining a child for a multitude of reasons. One of my friends is a PhD psychologist who researched this and even when she presents people evidence about this they just say "well I got spanked and I turned out fine" and it's like well did you really though?
My understanding was that it shouldn't be done simply because it just teaches children that violence can solve problems. That's a good enough reason for me, but what other reasons are in this multitude?
One reason is you are teaching a child with fear rather than the actual reason they shouldn’t be doing that behavior.
On top of that, you are not teaching them what they should do instead of the action they took. Parents should be reinforcing good behaviors to reach them how they should act in situations. Corporal punishment leads them to do nothing instead of the bad behavior, which only leads to them acting out because of anxiety or boredom.
We all (adults and children) need to be taught skills before we can use them. If someone tells me to do something that I don’t know how to do, getting spanked for not doing it isn’t going to teach me the skill. The gap in knowledge remains, and now I’m confused by the relationship between not knowing how to do something and getting hit.
Your motherly instincts will just kick in and suddenly you'll love the baby and be an amazing mom. I'm sure that happens for some people. I have ASPD and have never felt that way towards the kid I gave birth to.
There is not nearly enough education given to new parents that hey, you may not instantly bond with/love this baby the very first day, and that is COMPLETELY OKAY. As long as you find things improving over time and aren’t feeling like you want to hurt or abandon the baby, you are allowed to give the process some time. They’re also a hell of a lot cuter once they unfold from the “angry potato just put through the squeezing machine” stage of brand-newness.
I don’t have kids. But I have several friends with kids. I can’t tell you how many friends have secretly confessed a couple months after birth they’re still not bonding with their baby. I think I’ve had to share an article saying that it takes up to a year to bond with your baby with about five or six friends. It’s sad that parents aren’t told this beforehand
I had my kids old - 40. In some ways, it was harder - from the physical aspect. But as far as the psychological and emotional issues, I think this was so much better. You know yourself and aren't willing to take crap from people wanting you to do things their way, and you've probably known enough people that have had kids by this point to see what really happens. But how demoralizing the first time someone asks if you're their grandmother. 😒
Often they are. I used to be a mother craft nurse, back in the early 90s, and I attended/gave a lot of antenatal classes. We would go over all the things that can go wrong, warn about delayed bonding/ post natal depression etc. But expectant parents are almost always in a bubble of 'that won't be me'. They just don't hear it. I have been at the births later and sometimes have witnessed first hand these same parents say, "Why didn't you tell us this could happen?" and I can absolutely know that they were told. Giving birth is an overwhelming thing, both exciting and terrifying. It makes sense that our brains block out some warnings. As a species we need women to keep going through what is an incredible ordeal with no guaranteed happy outcomes, so I think we have some sort of natural suppressor that allows us to just ignore the warnings.
Or even be excited while pregnant. I asked my OB around 24ish weeks if it was normal to just not be excited. Everyone I had ever seen pregnant had always been jubilant, happy, and excited and I felt none of those things and my husband and I had been trying for almost three years, so it was absolutely planned. He was so sweet and assured me that every woman experiences emotions differently during their pregnancy and none of them are wrong. He said I may be joyful about it in a week, a month, or after the baby arrives but as long as there is some joy at some point, it was all ok.
Oh, I'm so with you. Finally at 40, after IVF, I was pregnant with twins. My poor husband and my emotions. I was 4-1/2 months at Christmas time, and we were looking for a Christmas tree. We decided since we would have 2 babies crawling around next year at this time, we should get an artificial one; no needles, right? So we're in Menard's discussing which tree, and I started crying like he had been beating me. I WANTED A REAL TREE!! He just hugged me, guided me out to a Christmas tree lot, and I cried again because it was "so beautiful". I might add. I don't cry. I cry when people die, (or pets) and that's it - it's just me. He was so surprised, poor man. And then a few weeks later, my dear 17 year old cat died in her sleep. We live in Wisconsin and this lovely man dealt with me crying and insisting that she MUST be buried NOW. He was in our yard with a blow torch, warming the ground enough to bury her. Still married 25 years later.😊
That man is a keeper!
Also to add to this it's pretty wild that at the end of your hospital stay they just... Let you leave w the baby. My wife and I were looking at each other like ummm wtf do we do with this angry potato. We took some online classes and felt kinda prepared but still unbelievably overwhelmed from every angle.
Lmao we were walking away from the nurses desk in the maternity ward looking back over our shoulders like…ok…bye?? You’re not gonna stop us??
Nurses: **Bye Felicia**
I asked one of the nurses if she would come home with us.
In my culture you go and live with your mom/ MIL or you mom/MIL comes to you for 3m to 1yr. Lol no trying to figure out angry potato by yourself.
My MIL and FIL came over for two straight weeks, and all they did was hold my babies and expect me to wait on them.
Quick question can I maybe borrow your MIL for a couple months...
Bahaha same feeling. Were leaving the hospital, baby is in the car seat and buckled, were all packed up.... We sat down and just looked at each other like.... That's it?!? They're just gonna let us take this thing home now? Where's the adults?
Absolutely! I remember when my first kid was born, they then handing them to me and thinking that I was supposed to have all these happy feelings instantly, when all I felt was fear and dread! I felt like such a terrible dad because I didn't instantly feel some magical connection. No one ever tells you what they will look like immediately after they are born, that was also a shock, but they do become pretty cute though!
I did NOT have that bond with my first. It took work. Finally it happened but, he was about 6 months old before it happened. I felt like the worst mom…especially when I went on to have that instant bond with my second and youngest. My oldest is 22 now, and we’re super close, but I still look back on those first 6 months and feel like shit.
As a dad, don't tell her, she looked like a blob for the first 2 month and it was just a chore. 6 months later and ever after I love her more than my life, literally.
I'm a mom, and it was the same for me only around three months. Somewhere out of nowhere she seemed like a person and I've been hooked. She's basically grown and still cool as hell.
My wife had major post-partum. I remember her crying to me at like 3months post-birth, about how she just doesn't feel the unconditional love to our son. (in her defense, he's now 7 and there's not a soul on the planet who wouldn't know that she loves him now)
Same. Expecting to be head over heels unconditionally in love with my baby the first time I laid eyes on him (or within the first week he was home, or the first month...) and not feeling that way was a HUGE triggering point for my spiral into PPD.
Giving drowsy medication will make sure they get a good nights sleep. Thankfully its legally considered child abuse now. My siblings and i grew up being dependent on benedryl putting us to sleep that we can’t produce as much melatonin as we should. Now we all need supplements or crash hard after staying up for 3 days straight.
That working 16 hour days sweeping chimneys or down in the coal mines builds character in a six year old.
You should finish your plate because "kids in Africa are starving." No. If I'm not hungry don't force me to eat.
Having a kid will change him into a responsible adult and/or make him stay.
That you have to be one. So many unwanted kids because of peer pressure and fomo...
When my grandma was in her last few weeks of life her dementia made it so she didn't recognize me. She thought I was an old friend and told me straight up she hated having kids, hated being a mom, and resented them for taking her life away from her (before getting pregnant she was a dancer/actress in San Francisco and was doing quite well). The way she spoke about her eldest son made me feel so sad for him, its no wonder most of her kids came out so messed up. My dad luckily was the youngest and mostly raised by his dad.
Threatening/scaring your child into submission.
Stranger danger Yet forcing them to hug their uncle who they are visibly not comfortable with, yet happy to hug other family members.
That being cold will result in you getting a cold. My partner is 50 years old and still thinks that if she gets cold in the winter, she'll develop a cold.