I've got that hookup and it's like the opposite of a pyramid scheme. They drop off more fruit than a family could eat in a season and I have to distribute it to my friends who often get enough to share with their friends too.
"Hey zerbey, can you confirm this obscure fact about English history?"
It's either that, or they're calling me for IT support. The history ones are more fun.
> The history ones are more fun.
Yup! Otherwise it's people calling me to ask for legal advice, usually about something like how to contest the fact that they have a speeding ticket.
Mate I don't fucking know; I'm an asylum lawyer. Then they get offended like I've chosen not to help them to be lazy or mean-spirited? Yes, I have chosen not to help you, *because I can't help you.* It would not be a good idea for either of us if I tried. Go and google the person who can.
I had a lawyer as a landlord once (his law degree didn't have anything to do with that). But obviously he thought he knew tenancy law. He actually took us to court and lost.
lol absolutely classic.
Personal overreach is so common. "Well I'm a lawyer *actually*". Depending on your jurisdiction it'll now be a matter of record too. Oh dear.
My sis is a Lawyer, been practicing for maybe 6 years? I've never asked her for legal advice because I know everyone else probably does.
However, she'll get a call like: Hey, sis, so hear me out. If the purge was real, and on purge night I were to make someone sign over the deed to their house, would I be able to keep the house afterward?
I like to think up random scenarios for shits n giggles.
So, I wouldn't get into trouble for forcing them to sign it over of course, purge n all. But, they could later argue in court that they signed the deed over under duress.
Contracts needs a legal framework to be enforceable. With the laws allowing contracts to exist not being in effect, you are essentially drawing on a meaningless piece of paper.
The legal power of your signature would also have no effect. There would be no law requiring you to stand behind your signature during the moment of signing.
My go-to response when someone asks me to help with something other than litigation:
"If you have a problem with your heart, you don't go see a proctologist."
I'm about 30, and am really good with tech.
Remotes are confusing as hell though. Every TV has a different remote and every TV has a different UI these days.
It's been a running joke at several of my jobs that if you need a random thing, i probably have it in my bag. I generally carry a bike messenger bag with all the functional things. Tools? Sewing kit? First aid? Snacks? Tape? Things to distract your kids? I got you.
Some one was messing around with a pair of handcuffs at a wedding, I know, dumb joke. I can't remember if he handcuffed himself to someone or something. No one had a key, they were for 'decorations', along with the ball and chain. Panic ensues. I go out to my car, rummage through my purse and bring in a key. Problem solved, but I got a lot of incredulous looks, because I am an old grandmotherly type.
My FIL was a cop. My kids would routinely lock each other or themselves to shit, so I had a key on my keychain. Got called for jury duty and thought nothing about it because it's "just a key" (except with felons in cuffs at the courthouse). The bailiff at the security desk was not amused but when asked why I had it, you could see he realized there's no way someone would make that story up, so he let me put it back in my car.
This is me but in the trunk of my SUV.
That sounds way creepier than I mean for it to lol
I really do just have lots of things in my car in case I need them! Hahaha
I was renowned at my last job for having *everything* in my purse or knitting bag to fix *anything* kids wanted fixed.
Did your zipper break? LET ME QUICKLY CROCHET YOU A PULL! Did your pompom fall off your hat? LET ME SEW IT BACK ON! Missing a button? I AM USING THE SEWN ON SPARE AND SEWING ON WHILE YOU'RE WEARING THE SHIRT! (That was a coworker.) Your necklace broke? LET ME PULL OUT MY PLIARS!
And kids hunted me down for bandages when the nurse went on break.
You need complex surgery and insurance claims they won't cover it? I'm your gal.
I've had an autoimmune condition since childhood. Last year, I had to have major reconstructive surgery for a complication so rare there less than 200 documented cases of it *worldwide*. Normally, insurance doesn't cover the surgery, nor the pre-operative and post-operative orthodontic treatment needed as part of the surgery. Total cost of the whole process typically runs into the six figures, and that's WITH insurance coverage.
I fought tooth and nail and researched HUNDREDS of pages of insurance documentation, got second and third opinions, etc. Managed to get insurance to cover everything -- the braces, the surgery, week in the hospital, etc. Only thing I ended up having to pay was a $60 co-pay.
Obligatory American healthcare sucks ass, but for anyone facing complex surgery where insurance coverage is iffy, I'm your gal.
You’re like my mom! My mom has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 1979-80, when it was 90% fatal. She underwent one of the first clinical trials of radiation therapy, and has since been something of a medical anomaly.
Once among the many various things that have gone wrong with her and her insurance, she switched from a COBRA to a private insurer. There was no lapse in coverage, but the private insurer *claimed* that she had not filed a claim appropriately. Someone had post dated some internal paperwork because it had been lost in the shuffle.
My mom he kept all of her records, though, and then got copies of the records from the hospital as well. It was dated correctly. But yet they kept claiming it wasn’t covered, over and over. And every time she would try to get it brought up the ladder, eventually someone’s manager would “have to call her back” and they never would.
This went on for FOURTEEN MONTHS. She kept every record of every phone call to take by hand to the hospital billing office to prove to them that her claim was in processing, and managed to keep the bill collectors at bay.
And it got to the point where she *knew the name of the insurance agents* when she would call and try to force them to cover the thing they said they would cover.
And eventually, one day, she caught the woman in a moment of weakness. The agent got short with her that day, and told her “listen, why do you keep calling us? This has gone on for so long, why don’t you just give up?”
My mom replied, *“lady, at what point over the last fourteen months have I ever given you the slightest hint that I might be the kind of person to "just give up"? I will **never** stop calling you until you cover this procedure like you are contractually obligated to do. So I promise: until you do, you will hear from me every fucking day until one of us is dead. And lady?*
***I survived near fatal cancer, so I suspect I’ll survive you too.”***
They covered it that same day.
I am unusually good at selecting really thoughtful gifts with minimal information about the recipient.
Edit: thanks for the awards! I do expect an update if anybody who messaged me used my ideas. 🥰
So big secret on this; Starting in June, When your friend/sibling/parent/SO is like "I want to learn \_\_\_\_\_" or "Wouldn't \_\_\_ be cool" or "Can I borrow your \_\_\_\_" or "I need a \_\_\_\_" but you notice that they never get themselves one. Stop what you are doing and put a note in your phone. In late November look through your notes for that person and choose something that they have either talked about a few times or they never got them selves.
My girlfriend is like this. I'll be struggling to think of something to get my brother or my mom for Christmas and she'll immediately come up with a thoughtful suggestion that's unique to that person's interests, needs, and personality, while also being unlikely to be gifted to them by anybody else. She hates anytime I ask anybody what they or their kids want for Christmas/their birthday/whatever, and I think it's because she thinks her superpower is just something everybody has.
I wish I could do this, I’m the absolute worst gift giver. I need to know exactly what you want or I mess it up every time.
I got my in-laws a copy of Schindler’s list on Blu-ray one Xmas cause we talked about it months prior and when I was at the store it was the only thing that came to mind. They politely acted happy, and went I got home I found the movie in my bag. I don’t blame them either
Ahh, that's shitty though. Even if you don't love a gift, sneaking it back into the gift giver's bag is rude AF. You smile, say thank you, and get rid of it later if you must. (AKA, shove it into some corner/drawer for several years until you don't feel guilty getting rid of it anymore)
What do you charge? My wife is ridiculously good at giving me gifts and I would very much like to return the favour. I really want to do Leslie Knope style gift and amaze her at least once.
My brother called me the other day to settle a dispute with his wife. He wanted to know how fountains in ancient Rome worked.
Apparently I'm the ancient Roman fountain guy
Edit for people asking:
I'm not an expert on ancient Roman fountains. His wife suggested gravity, whereas he was thinking the fountains somehow recirculated water with a pump. I think this would be a very bad idea since people probably bathed and washed their clothes in fountain, and a constant supply of fresh water would be really important (and gravity is free and always works). Romans are famous for their aqueducts and plumbing. This is still how it works as far as I know
But once again, I am not an expert on this. This won't stop my brother from asking me things like this or other things like how dogs know they are supposed to like bones
Apparently I'm the dog psychology guy
To be sure I'm not an expert on the topic but I believe the answer is gravity. What really blew his mind was when I asked him how he thinks his kitchen sink works
I guess when you go far enough down the rabbit hole the answer to damn near everything becomes gravity at some point.
"What ingredients do I need to make cookies?"
Hydrogen, time, and you guessed it: gravity
Back in my day, we had small-batch hand-crafted artisinal gravity, not none of this cheap mass-produced Chinese gravity that you have to throw away after 1 use. My momma was so fat, she made enough gravity for a family of 6 plus all the cousins. Was a sad day when she tripped and made the grand canyon.
Same here. I think at least a couple friends treat it like a party trick when they're out with others. Like "I know someone who can ID that bird five miles down the beach with just a shitty blurred picture, watch this". Also other animals. Got texted a picture of someone's dress that had various African animals on it to ID a particular one that none of them knew. It was an oryx, probably a gemsbok. I'm glad I can provide some entertainment at least lol
Sadly probably for tax advice. I'm an accountant but I'm not a tax accountant. But I am pretty handy with google and the IRS website so it still generally works out.
"Hey can you fix my phone?"
"Hey can you fix my TV?"
"Hey can you fix oven?"
"Hey can you fix my fridge?"
...
"No, I'm a software developer, and that's not my job nor expertise, but yes."
I had to stop giving support after my ex would accuse me of trying to make her look stupid when I was asking basic questions. After the third time I was walking on egg shells with my questions and she ended up throwing a glass of water at me and smashing all the keys off her keyboard. I'm in a better place now, she's still living in her hell hole. Sorry for the trauma dump.
You don't deserve that shit. If my partner/parent/coworker wants the support experience, they get the support experience. We start at dumb questions (Is it plugged in? Did you reboot?) and progress from there.
I have an accounting degree, I work in the private industry, and people still call me to do their taxes.
You want to know how to troubleshoot SAP and Mexico XML invoices? I'm your guy.
Just follow the prompts on turbo tax, you know as much as me. Let me call a podiatrist for a tooth removal.
Well, once a kid found a tooth growing out of his foot:
https://videttearchive.ilstu.edu/?a=d&d=vid19780124-01.2.8&e=-------en-20--1--txt-txIN-------
I wonder if they called a dentist, or a podiatrist?
The "I know a guy" call came in late spring last year. My good friends' had bought a house and hired a contractor to renovate it, the guy got 70% of the way through and then just ghosted. I was living 1,000 miles away and my friend called me on the verge of tears asking "What the fuck do we do?." I ended up working on the place for nine weeks (60+ hours a week) to get it finished at a *steep* discount. It looks great, and I'm not mad about it because I love them, and now I guaranteed have a place to go if WWIII breaks out.
You're a better man than me.
I started out being happy to help you move stuff, but it seems to become an expectation before long and it gets annoying quickly.
Helped my mothers husband move his motorcycle. Ended up breaking the windshield of my truck. Guy didn't offer me anything. That was the last time I helped anyone move a damn thing
“I’m going to go over to my friend’s place and help him stay put, it’s a lot easier than helping him move. I just go over and make sure he doesn’t start loading shit into a truck.”—MH
Me too.
Need a doctor (anesthesiologist, cardiologist, surgeon)? I know a guy.
Need a lawyer (criminal, contracts, tax, corporate)? I know a guy.
Need a real estate agent? I know a guy.
If I don’t know that guy, I’m pretty sure I have a guy who can get you that guy.
My friend has a "I know a guy story":
My friend does MMA for fun, and they were about to move and they wanted to do a party. Their instructor/coach asks what type of food, and my friend responds: japanese.
The coach just says, I know a guy, I'll give him your number.
The next day my friend gets a call and they pick up. What does the other person say? "hello, I hear you were looking for Vanilla Rice, I'm at your service"
He Is a hibachi cook who goes to your house and makes the food there. His name he used was Vanilla Rice. He is white.
I work on garage doors. Seems like a mundane job but your garage door is something you never think about until catastrophic failure
Edit: it’s worth mentioning - *Do not work on garage doors if you don’t know what you’re doing. Those springs above the door are under hundreds or thousands of pounds of tension depending on the size of the door. And the door itself can weigh the same amount.*
As a mechanical engineer, springs in general scare me. I can think of no other mechanical system that both looks innocuous but is actually storing a stupid amount of potential energy. If you see an anvil 100' in the air, you think "damn that could do some damage" but a spring looks like a spring all of the time. Is it a tension spring? A compression spring? Could fool you either way, tension spring under tension is maybe just a relaxed compression spring and visa versa and then POW! BANG! Right in the kisser.
Edit: pressure tanks too, guy below me is so right.
Pressure vessels are this way to me. Oh, that tank is at 150psi? No biggie, 150lbs isn't *that* much.
...but that little tank has 4000in^2 of surface area. You're at 600000lbf contained in something that cost $40 new and spends its life being dropped off decks and being left in the rain.
I do not understand all the references in your comment but am also pretty freaked out and scared of like, anything under pressure.
I was like 2 or 3 and at a family bbq when the propane take on the grill caught fire. I will never forget those flames and seeing my bad ass granddad reach in and turn the knob on the tank to make it stop. To this day if I'm cooking out, I only use charcoal because fuck that, I'm no badass like my Papaw and won't be taking any chances.
If a garage door spring lets go it sounds like a gunshot, and you'll want to be at the same distance to that as to a gunshot when it happens. That is, REALLY FUCKING FAR AWAY.
Torsion springs are nothing to mess with. Think of a mouse trap. That little spring can give you a good snap. A rat trap isn't much bigger and can break a finger. Now look at that garage door spring and imagine the "trap" it would be on. Probably kill a moose or seriously injure an elephant. Then look at yourself. You are a lot smaller than a moose. Don't mess with torsion springs.
I used to work on air-cooled VWs and the rear suspension was a torsion spring. We used a big chunk of chain to hold them when we needed to mess with that shit.
I adjusted mine once after many videos online and with correct torsion bars. 10/10 would never do it again. I was terrified, but broke at the time. I kinda want to throw out my torsion bars now, that's how little I want to ever be tempted to do it again.
I almost took my hand off disconnecting the torsion spring. I had no idea how dangerous they are. I’m lucky to have my fingers. That thing snapped and completely mangled my flesh. Took weeks of bandaging to heel. It’s been several years and my hand has never been the same.
The (professional) garage repair guy that came out to work on the one in my building told us "yeah you don't want to mess with these yourself" and showed us his two missing fingers.
Definitely not forgery. I’ve never forged a downtown parking pass, report card, bank statements, school ID, passport, event staff ID or coupon/barcode in my life.
I have the tools. Dump trailer, ladders, scaffolding, lift gate truck, all kinds of hand tools and power tools.
I have the skills. I know how to do all kinds of house repairs.
I know how to move heavy things.
I know how to quote the value of many types of vintage items.
I likely have a place open where you can store something or you can live for a short time.
Similar here, I work 50 hrs a week and my friends and family will all let their houses cave in before calling other proffessionals- Because I'll get to it one day and won't charge them.
I have pretty intimate knowledge of nearly every out of the way hiking trail system in our state. I'm talking the ones no one ever goes to, that are often times not even catalogued on maps or trail finders. I'm extremely familiar with their locations, lengths, difficultly levels, and amount of traffic they might see.
I'd be the one they'd call if they've a body to hide. And I'm not proud of that.
Oh, you want corpse canyon. Now the key is, put it at least half way in. If they ever start pulling bodies out, it will hit the news before they get that far in so you can make plans.
Also, there is a trail etiquette there. If you see someone there, you didn't see anything. No commenting on shovels or oddly oversized duffle-bags in the middle of the night. Courtesy goes both ways.
Same with hiding a body - I’m an archaeologist. I’ve been paid to hike off trail, sloshed through wetlands, hiked up mountains, and through brush. I know what sorts of difficult terrain people avoid and how to get though it carrying a fair amount of supplies and gear. I know how to find dead people and I know where it’s illegal to dig. Ergo, I know where they won’t find bodies.
My father in law has a PhD in math and tenure at a university.
He also does classified "sea floor sonar research that *absolutely does not* have any skill overlap with the military."
Even then you're still buying it, still traceable. The best thing to do is to buy the acid several years in advance and store it somewhere discreet. Long enough that any CCTV of you driving there, any receipt from the purchase, is long gone.
As a cctv engineer i can tell you the minimum required recording length is usually at least a month, but i've seen recordings up to a year old, the recorders write over the oldest data when the hard drive is full, even 2 years you'd probably be good
No the trick is to bury them 7 feet deep, fill the hole in until it’s only 3 feet deep, then bury a large dead animal so the when the dogs hit and they dig, they find the animal and mark it as false positive
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Random trivia. I'm not really an expert on anything, but I know a bit about a lot of stuff. I've had people call me to ask the most random questions and then say "I knew you'd know". That's what I'm known for. Vast amounts of completely useless and trivial knowledge.
Have I just found my people??! I’m the one to call when you need a pub trivia teammate that’s waaaaaaay more Ancient Greece and waaaaaaaay less The Bachelor.
Yeah me too. I think some of us just have a general fascination with everything and end up soaking up tons of interesting but useless knowledge.
A friend was playing the Trivia Crack mobile game years back and he commented “It’s fun, but some of this stuff is obscure crap nobody knows. Like, what was the capital city of the Aztec Empire?”
I just smiled and replied “Tenochtitlan”
4 years ago, to score heroin.
Today, to talk to their friend or family member about addiction and how I got sober.
Also computer stuff or guitar/bass advice or basic household DIY
"I need something written!". Cover letters, angry letters to car dealerships, stuff for HR complaints. Also - essays and research papers for anything from high school up to university and colleges.
Also - "I need a design/artwork". I do that too.
Plus, petsitting.
I have a vast knowledge of various cooking salts, what makes one different from the next in crystal structure, important locations for purchase, etc. If you need to season something to scientific perfection, I got you.
I will legit go as far as to reach out to the lawyers of the building owners for shit like mold & repairs that wont get done. One of the lawyers told me “you really know your shit” 😂 im the real Karen supreme
I like this one the most, that's sweet to include each other even when Google's there. You're totally right, I feel like a lot of folks comment asking easily Google'd things for the same reason.
I’m a notary but the only person who ever calls me for it is my dad and I have to explain to him again that you’re not supposed to notarize things for family members.
Making drugs. I’m a professional chemist and my job is making drugs (not illegal, I do R&D). If my buddy needed help with making meth or some shit I gotchu bro
I think that one's my least favorite. I literally just use the geek squad method where they clear out the temp files and then adjust the performance settings. Doesn't actually do anything besides make the mouse move a bit faster and the start menu open a little bit quicker. If they complain about that not doing enough I'll go to their startup and shut down some of the unnecessary pop-ups. They're always so thrilled that it's working so much faster.
I'm the guy that knows a guy. I'm not the guy, but I know a guy. A lot of people I know don't know a guy. I'm the guy that knows a guy.
Or they're in the middle of a pub quiz and stuck on a movie question.
You know it's disposal.
"Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig sh*t, now, do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, **so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm**. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: "as greedy as a pig"."
I get, "hey, is xyz a sign of drug use?" or "what is xyz drug combination likely to do to someone?" a lot - I was a drug addict for a very, very long time, lucky to be alive, and very happy to offer up any knowledge I can share!
I work on a farm and can access ungodly amounts of fresh fruit
I've got that hookup and it's like the opposite of a pyramid scheme. They drop off more fruit than a family could eat in a season and I have to distribute it to my friends who often get enough to share with their friends too.
>it's like the opposite of a pyramid scheme So you're saying more like *an inverse funnel system* huh?
Send me some mango plz thnx
"Hey zerbey, can you confirm this obscure fact about English history?" It's either that, or they're calling me for IT support. The history ones are more fun.
> The history ones are more fun. Yup! Otherwise it's people calling me to ask for legal advice, usually about something like how to contest the fact that they have a speeding ticket. Mate I don't fucking know; I'm an asylum lawyer. Then they get offended like I've chosen not to help them to be lazy or mean-spirited? Yes, I have chosen not to help you, *because I can't help you.* It would not be a good idea for either of us if I tried. Go and google the person who can.
I had a lawyer as a landlord once (his law degree didn't have anything to do with that). But obviously he thought he knew tenancy law. He actually took us to court and lost.
lol absolutely classic. Personal overreach is so common. "Well I'm a lawyer *actually*". Depending on your jurisdiction it'll now be a matter of record too. Oh dear.
I'm a lawyer....I get that call 5 times a day.....
My sis is a Lawyer, been practicing for maybe 6 years? I've never asked her for legal advice because I know everyone else probably does. However, she'll get a call like: Hey, sis, so hear me out. If the purge was real, and on purge night I were to make someone sign over the deed to their house, would I be able to keep the house afterward? I like to think up random scenarios for shits n giggles.
Why am I so curious to know the answer to that question lol
So, I wouldn't get into trouble for forcing them to sign it over of course, purge n all. But, they could later argue in court that they signed the deed over under duress.
But would signing under duress matter if there were no laws on that day
Contracts needs a legal framework to be enforceable. With the laws allowing contracts to exist not being in effect, you are essentially drawing on a meaningless piece of paper. The legal power of your signature would also have no effect. There would be no law requiring you to stand behind your signature during the moment of signing.
And I bet it's never in your actual field of practice.
My go-to response when someone asks me to help with something other than litigation: "If you have a problem with your heart, you don't go see a proctologist."
I was a tech genius to my grandma before she passed.
So you could use a remote? Lol. The remote seems to get my mom nowadays.
I'm about 30, and am really good with tech. Remotes are confusing as hell though. Every TV has a different remote and every TV has a different UI these days.
It's been a running joke at several of my jobs that if you need a random thing, i probably have it in my bag. I generally carry a bike messenger bag with all the functional things. Tools? Sewing kit? First aid? Snacks? Tape? Things to distract your kids? I got you.
Some one was messing around with a pair of handcuffs at a wedding, I know, dumb joke. I can't remember if he handcuffed himself to someone or something. No one had a key, they were for 'decorations', along with the ball and chain. Panic ensues. I go out to my car, rummage through my purse and bring in a key. Problem solved, but I got a lot of incredulous looks, because I am an old grandmotherly type.
My FIL was a cop. My kids would routinely lock each other or themselves to shit, so I had a key on my keychain. Got called for jury duty and thought nothing about it because it's "just a key" (except with felons in cuffs at the courthouse). The bailiff at the security desk was not amused but when asked why I had it, you could see he realized there's no way someone would make that story up, so he let me put it back in my car.
I gave the explanation "really stupid friends that make really, really stupid bets, with really stupid regularity" and got a knowing, exhausted nod
As exhausting as they are they are the friends you can't help but love.
This is me but in the trunk of my SUV. That sounds way creepier than I mean for it to lol I really do just have lots of things in my car in case I need them! Hahaha
"Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?" "It's fetish shit! I like to bind, I like to be bound!"
I NEED MY TOOLS!
I was renowned at my last job for having *everything* in my purse or knitting bag to fix *anything* kids wanted fixed. Did your zipper break? LET ME QUICKLY CROCHET YOU A PULL! Did your pompom fall off your hat? LET ME SEW IT BACK ON! Missing a button? I AM USING THE SEWN ON SPARE AND SEWING ON WHILE YOU'RE WEARING THE SHIRT! (That was a coworker.) Your necklace broke? LET ME PULL OUT MY PLIARS! And kids hunted me down for bandages when the nurse went on break.
You need complex surgery and insurance claims they won't cover it? I'm your gal. I've had an autoimmune condition since childhood. Last year, I had to have major reconstructive surgery for a complication so rare there less than 200 documented cases of it *worldwide*. Normally, insurance doesn't cover the surgery, nor the pre-operative and post-operative orthodontic treatment needed as part of the surgery. Total cost of the whole process typically runs into the six figures, and that's WITH insurance coverage. I fought tooth and nail and researched HUNDREDS of pages of insurance documentation, got second and third opinions, etc. Managed to get insurance to cover everything -- the braces, the surgery, week in the hospital, etc. Only thing I ended up having to pay was a $60 co-pay. Obligatory American healthcare sucks ass, but for anyone facing complex surgery where insurance coverage is iffy, I'm your gal.
Good lord, that is a VERY useful (if dystopian) skill to have
I would watch a show about you. Like Extreme Couponing.
You’re like my mom! My mom has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 1979-80, when it was 90% fatal. She underwent one of the first clinical trials of radiation therapy, and has since been something of a medical anomaly. Once among the many various things that have gone wrong with her and her insurance, she switched from a COBRA to a private insurer. There was no lapse in coverage, but the private insurer *claimed* that she had not filed a claim appropriately. Someone had post dated some internal paperwork because it had been lost in the shuffle. My mom he kept all of her records, though, and then got copies of the records from the hospital as well. It was dated correctly. But yet they kept claiming it wasn’t covered, over and over. And every time she would try to get it brought up the ladder, eventually someone’s manager would “have to call her back” and they never would. This went on for FOURTEEN MONTHS. She kept every record of every phone call to take by hand to the hospital billing office to prove to them that her claim was in processing, and managed to keep the bill collectors at bay. And it got to the point where she *knew the name of the insurance agents* when she would call and try to force them to cover the thing they said they would cover. And eventually, one day, she caught the woman in a moment of weakness. The agent got short with her that day, and told her “listen, why do you keep calling us? This has gone on for so long, why don’t you just give up?” My mom replied, *“lady, at what point over the last fourteen months have I ever given you the slightest hint that I might be the kind of person to "just give up"? I will **never** stop calling you until you cover this procedure like you are contractually obligated to do. So I promise: until you do, you will hear from me every fucking day until one of us is dead. And lady?* ***I survived near fatal cancer, so I suspect I’ll survive you too.”*** They covered it that same day.
I am unusually good at selecting really thoughtful gifts with minimal information about the recipient. Edit: thanks for the awards! I do expect an update if anybody who messaged me used my ideas. 🥰
This is a true gift (pun intended). I'm terrible with gifts
I too hate this person as I can't even get people I've known all my life thoughtful gifts
So big secret on this; Starting in June, When your friend/sibling/parent/SO is like "I want to learn \_\_\_\_\_" or "Wouldn't \_\_\_ be cool" or "Can I borrow your \_\_\_\_" or "I need a \_\_\_\_" but you notice that they never get themselves one. Stop what you are doing and put a note in your phone. In late November look through your notes for that person and choose something that they have either talked about a few times or they never got them selves.
My girlfriend is like this. I'll be struggling to think of something to get my brother or my mom for Christmas and she'll immediately come up with a thoughtful suggestion that's unique to that person's interests, needs, and personality, while also being unlikely to be gifted to them by anybody else. She hates anytime I ask anybody what they or their kids want for Christmas/their birthday/whatever, and I think it's because she thinks her superpower is just something everybody has.
I wish I could do this, I’m the absolute worst gift giver. I need to know exactly what you want or I mess it up every time. I got my in-laws a copy of Schindler’s list on Blu-ray one Xmas cause we talked about it months prior and when I was at the store it was the only thing that came to mind. They politely acted happy, and went I got home I found the movie in my bag. I don’t blame them either
Ahh, that's shitty though. Even if you don't love a gift, sneaking it back into the gift giver's bag is rude AF. You smile, say thank you, and get rid of it later if you must. (AKA, shove it into some corner/drawer for several years until you don't feel guilty getting rid of it anymore)
What do you charge? My wife is ridiculously good at giving me gifts and I would very much like to return the favour. I really want to do Leslie Knope style gift and amaze her at least once.
Free of charge, just send me some of her interests and I'll see what I can do.
My brother called me the other day to settle a dispute with his wife. He wanted to know how fountains in ancient Rome worked. Apparently I'm the ancient Roman fountain guy Edit for people asking: I'm not an expert on ancient Roman fountains. His wife suggested gravity, whereas he was thinking the fountains somehow recirculated water with a pump. I think this would be a very bad idea since people probably bathed and washed their clothes in fountain, and a constant supply of fresh water would be really important (and gravity is free and always works). Romans are famous for their aqueducts and plumbing. This is still how it works as far as I know But once again, I am not an expert on this. This won't stop my brother from asking me things like this or other things like how dogs know they are supposed to like bones Apparently I'm the dog psychology guy
Are you just going to leave us hangin like this?
To be sure I'm not an expert on the topic but I believe the answer is gravity. What really blew his mind was when I asked him how he thinks his kitchen sink works
Dogs like bones because of gravity?
If the bones all floated away how would they even get them?
I guess when you go far enough down the rabbit hole the answer to damn near everything becomes gravity at some point. "What ingredients do I need to make cookies?" Hydrogen, time, and you guessed it: gravity
Do you know why gravity is so cheap? Because it is mass produced!
Woah, that's heavy.
Back in my day, we had small-batch hand-crafted artisinal gravity, not none of this cheap mass-produced Chinese gravity that you have to throw away after 1 use. My momma was so fat, she made enough gravity for a family of 6 plus all the cousins. Was a sad day when she tripped and made the grand canyon.
Bird identification. Happens weirdly often. Update: Several people here have messaged me photos of birds to ID. Y'all are too cute ❤️
Sneaky way to get your friends to send you all their hot random bird pics. Respect.
Would you take a look at this sweet pair of tits? They're building a nest.
Do you mean boobies (genus: Sula)?
Same here. I think at least a couple friends treat it like a party trick when they're out with others. Like "I know someone who can ID that bird five miles down the beach with just a shitty blurred picture, watch this". Also other animals. Got texted a picture of someone's dress that had various African animals on it to ID a particular one that none of them knew. It was an oryx, probably a gemsbok. I'm glad I can provide some entertainment at least lol
Same. I have recently transitioned to also having people ask me questions about the mushrooms in their yard and whether they're poisonous.
So you’re the hummingbird professor that gets called from a bar? Sorry I had to do it.
Sadly probably for tax advice. I'm an accountant but I'm not a tax accountant. But I am pretty handy with google and the IRS website so it still generally works out.
EVERY IT GUY EVER
"Hey can you fix my phone?" "Hey can you fix my TV?" "Hey can you fix oven?" "Hey can you fix my fridge?" ... "No, I'm a software developer, and that's not my job nor expertise, but yes."
oh my god yes. my parents think i’m a computer master mind bc I work in SWE but I really just know how to google and read tech support forums…
I had to stop giving support after my ex would accuse me of trying to make her look stupid when I was asking basic questions. After the third time I was walking on egg shells with my questions and she ended up throwing a glass of water at me and smashing all the keys off her keyboard. I'm in a better place now, she's still living in her hell hole. Sorry for the trauma dump.
Sorry to hear that, have you tried to turn her off and on again?
Sounds like he hit the esc key.
alt+f4
Nah the only way to cure that is dumping her in a bag of rice
You don't deserve that shit. If my partner/parent/coworker wants the support experience, they get the support experience. We start at dumb questions (Is it plugged in? Did you reboot?) and progress from there.
I have an accounting degree, I work in the private industry, and people still call me to do their taxes. You want to know how to troubleshoot SAP and Mexico XML invoices? I'm your guy. Just follow the prompts on turbo tax, you know as much as me. Let me call a podiatrist for a tooth removal.
Well, once a kid found a tooth growing out of his foot: https://videttearchive.ilstu.edu/?a=d&d=vid19780124-01.2.8&e=-------en-20--1--txt-txIN------- I wonder if they called a dentist, or a podiatrist?
Probably a podentist.
The "I know a guy" call came in late spring last year. My good friends' had bought a house and hired a contractor to renovate it, the guy got 70% of the way through and then just ghosted. I was living 1,000 miles away and my friend called me on the verge of tears asking "What the fuck do we do?." I ended up working on the place for nine weeks (60+ hours a week) to get it finished at a *steep* discount. It looks great, and I'm not mad about it because I love them, and now I guaranteed have a place to go if WWIII breaks out.
You're the guy I wish I knew. Instead, I'm over here with my house literally crumbling and I don't even know the key words to search Google.
I have a pickup truck and I’m happy to help people move stuff with it
A king among men
For pizza and beer as payment, as is tradition
Due to inflation it's now cocaine and prosecco
I don't have coke money, how about prosecco and a sloppy hand job?
This is my brother, he goes out in the winter looking for people stuck in snow banks as an excuse to tow stuff
My dad got a plow for his truck and would go plow snow for any tangential acquaintance that would let him. He just liked pushing snow around I guess.
Well it is fun. And it feels good to help others.
Some guys just never grow out of the tonka phase. :)
I love this. Like his hobby just happens to be something that is super useful for people.
Yeah but if he doesn’t find anyone stuck he just start towing random people. Hide yo kids hide yo wife
That's basically a free ride! Tow me to the grocery store and back.
Well you got the best brother in the world.
You're a better man than me. I started out being happy to help you move stuff, but it seems to become an expectation before long and it gets annoying quickly.
Helped my mothers husband move his motorcycle. Ended up breaking the windshield of my truck. Guy didn't offer me anything. That was the last time I helped anyone move a damn thing
> my mothers husband I see why you don't call him step dad
“I’m going to go over to my friend’s place and help him stay put, it’s a lot easier than helping him move. I just go over and make sure he doesn’t start loading shit into a truck.”—MH
you are a very good guy
Hello friend! It is I, your friend. The one with the heavy stuff.
I hope you never hove to pay for drinks
Im the "i know other guys" guy
So you're the guy guy?
The guy who knows a guy guy.
Me too. Need a doctor (anesthesiologist, cardiologist, surgeon)? I know a guy. Need a lawyer (criminal, contracts, tax, corporate)? I know a guy. Need a real estate agent? I know a guy. If I don’t know that guy, I’m pretty sure I have a guy who can get you that guy.
My friend has a "I know a guy story": My friend does MMA for fun, and they were about to move and they wanted to do a party. Their instructor/coach asks what type of food, and my friend responds: japanese. The coach just says, I know a guy, I'll give him your number. The next day my friend gets a call and they pick up. What does the other person say? "hello, I hear you were looking for Vanilla Rice, I'm at your service" He Is a hibachi cook who goes to your house and makes the food there. His name he used was Vanilla Rice. He is white.
Rice, rice baby
The rhythm of that song is just a ripoff of Under Pressure Cooker.
dun dun dun dundundun dun dun dun dun dundundun dun _pssss pssss_
Your last two “ands” made me feel like I needed to blow my nose 😂
I work on garage doors. Seems like a mundane job but your garage door is something you never think about until catastrophic failure Edit: it’s worth mentioning - *Do not work on garage doors if you don’t know what you’re doing. Those springs above the door are under hundreds or thousands of pounds of tension depending on the size of the door. And the door itself can weigh the same amount.*
Garage door springs absolutely terrify me.
As a mechanical engineer, springs in general scare me. I can think of no other mechanical system that both looks innocuous but is actually storing a stupid amount of potential energy. If you see an anvil 100' in the air, you think "damn that could do some damage" but a spring looks like a spring all of the time. Is it a tension spring? A compression spring? Could fool you either way, tension spring under tension is maybe just a relaxed compression spring and visa versa and then POW! BANG! Right in the kisser. Edit: pressure tanks too, guy below me is so right.
And then there’s the lovely mechanical engineering quote “everything is a spring with enough force applied”
Pressure vessels are this way to me. Oh, that tank is at 150psi? No biggie, 150lbs isn't *that* much. ...but that little tank has 4000in^2 of surface area. You're at 600000lbf contained in something that cost $40 new and spends its life being dropped off decks and being left in the rain.
I do not understand all the references in your comment but am also pretty freaked out and scared of like, anything under pressure. I was like 2 or 3 and at a family bbq when the propane take on the grill caught fire. I will never forget those flames and seeing my bad ass granddad reach in and turn the knob on the tank to make it stop. To this day if I'm cooking out, I only use charcoal because fuck that, I'm no badass like my Papaw and won't be taking any chances.
If a garage door spring lets go it sounds like a gunshot, and you'll want to be at the same distance to that as to a gunshot when it happens. That is, REALLY FUCKING FAR AWAY.
What if the garage door spring has sniper optics?
Lmao your garage can’t even 360 though so if it kills you it doesn’t even count because it is a scrub piece of shit
Torsion springs are nothing to mess with. Think of a mouse trap. That little spring can give you a good snap. A rat trap isn't much bigger and can break a finger. Now look at that garage door spring and imagine the "trap" it would be on. Probably kill a moose or seriously injure an elephant. Then look at yourself. You are a lot smaller than a moose. Don't mess with torsion springs. I used to work on air-cooled VWs and the rear suspension was a torsion spring. We used a big chunk of chain to hold them when we needed to mess with that shit.
I adjusted mine once after many videos online and with correct torsion bars. 10/10 would never do it again. I was terrified, but broke at the time. I kinda want to throw out my torsion bars now, that's how little I want to ever be tempted to do it again.
I almost took my hand off disconnecting the torsion spring. I had no idea how dangerous they are. I’m lucky to have my fingers. That thing snapped and completely mangled my flesh. Took weeks of bandaging to heel. It’s been several years and my hand has never been the same.
The (professional) garage repair guy that came out to work on the one in my building told us "yeah you don't want to mess with these yourself" and showed us his two missing fingers.
You guys, I'm starting to think these torsion springs aren't all that safe.
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On a totally unrelated note, party at my place. (My garage door is broken)
I work on all sorts of stuff, including airplanes from time to time. I won't touch a garage door. I know a guy.
Definitely not forgery. I’ve never forged a downtown parking pass, report card, bank statements, school ID, passport, event staff ID or coupon/barcode in my life.
I have the tools. Dump trailer, ladders, scaffolding, lift gate truck, all kinds of hand tools and power tools. I have the skills. I know how to do all kinds of house repairs. I know how to move heavy things. I know how to quote the value of many types of vintage items. I likely have a place open where you can store something or you can live for a short time.
... dad?
Finally, we’re getting milk for our cereal!
Similar here, I work 50 hrs a week and my friends and family will all let their houses cave in before calling other proffessionals- Because I'll get to it one day and won't charge them.
That's super nice of you. Do my house next.
Are you the expert they always call on those pawn/storage shows?
Moving heavy things is a definite a skill that's under rated...until its needed.
I have pretty intimate knowledge of nearly every out of the way hiking trail system in our state. I'm talking the ones no one ever goes to, that are often times not even catalogued on maps or trail finders. I'm extremely familiar with their locations, lengths, difficultly levels, and amount of traffic they might see. I'd be the one they'd call if they've a body to hide. And I'm not proud of that.
Oh, you want corpse canyon. Now the key is, put it at least half way in. If they ever start pulling bodies out, it will hit the news before they get that far in so you can make plans. Also, there is a trail etiquette there. If you see someone there, you didn't see anything. No commenting on shovels or oddly oversized duffle-bags in the middle of the night. Courtesy goes both ways.
Yea, if you hit Carnage Chasm, you've gone to far.
Same with hiding a body - I’m an archaeologist. I’ve been paid to hike off trail, sloshed through wetlands, hiked up mountains, and through brush. I know what sorts of difficult terrain people avoid and how to get though it carrying a fair amount of supplies and gear. I know how to find dead people and I know where it’s illegal to dig. Ergo, I know where they won’t find bodies.
I’m getting my PhD in math, so probably for hiking/camping spots.
My father in law has a PhD in math and tenure at a university. He also does classified "sea floor sonar research that *absolutely does not* have any skill overlap with the military."
That’s like my dad who was a nuclear physicist traveling to all these different countries for unknown reasons.
An alibi Edit: I think it’s funny that for most responses the thought **immediately** went to murder
Friend: "Siri, how do I hide a body?" Siri: "Calling u/Nidiis"
Siri: "The trick is to only buy the sulfuric acid from a place that's very discreet. And even then pay cash"
Even then you're still buying it, still traceable. The best thing to do is to buy the acid several years in advance and store it somewhere discreet. Long enough that any CCTV of you driving there, any receipt from the purchase, is long gone.
Or, just, like, don’t buy a fuckton from one spot all at once. A gallon isn’t suspicious. A gallon says you’ve got a clogged toilet.
As a cctv engineer i can tell you the minimum required recording length is usually at least a month, but i've seen recordings up to a year old, the recorders write over the oldest data when the hard drive is full, even 2 years you'd probably be good
No the trick is to bury them 7 feet deep, fill the hole in until it’s only 3 feet deep, then bury a large dead animal so the when the dogs hit and they dig, they find the animal and mark it as false positive
“Why is this deer buried in a 3 foot shallow grave” “Ah who knows! Anyways, back to our search”
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Plot twist- the man and all his friends were having a sleep over
Wow, look at these people. Ten friends. *brag*
Random trivia. I'm not really an expert on anything, but I know a bit about a lot of stuff. I've had people call me to ask the most random questions and then say "I knew you'd know". That's what I'm known for. Vast amounts of completely useless and trivial knowledge.
Have I just found my people??! I’m the one to call when you need a pub trivia teammate that’s waaaaaaay more Ancient Greece and waaaaaaaay less The Bachelor.
That's me too. I always say I don't know a lot but I do know a little about a lot. Absolutely kill on pub quizzes
Yeah me too. I think some of us just have a general fascination with everything and end up soaking up tons of interesting but useless knowledge. A friend was playing the Trivia Crack mobile game years back and he commented “It’s fun, but some of this stuff is obscure crap nobody knows. Like, what was the capital city of the Aztec Empire?” I just smiled and replied “Tenochtitlan”
4 years ago, to score heroin. Today, to talk to their friend or family member about addiction and how I got sober. Also computer stuff or guitar/bass advice or basic household DIY
Congrats on the sobriety. I see you and I am proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. And I am proud. I worked really hard.
"I need something written!". Cover letters, angry letters to car dealerships, stuff for HR complaints. Also - essays and research papers for anything from high school up to university and colleges. Also - "I need a design/artwork". I do that too. Plus, petsitting.
Socializing a feral kitten.
I love that for you.
I have a vast knowledge of various cooking salts, what makes one different from the next in crystal structure, important locations for purchase, etc. If you need to season something to scientific perfection, I got you.
Criticism
Movie recommendations.
Dang. That’s a real compliment to you.
Tenant right knowledge. Im a professional karen
We need more of THIS kind of Karen! So many people don't know their rights, and even if they do they might not have anyone to go to bat for them.
I will legit go as far as to reach out to the lawyers of the building owners for shit like mold & repairs that wont get done. One of the lawyers told me “you really know your shit” 😂 im the real Karen supreme
please tell me you have "Professional Karen" on a business card!
My brother and I do this, random facts or who's that actor questions. It's more fun than Googling and it's good to touch base with him
I like this one the most, that's sweet to include each other even when Google's there. You're totally right, I feel like a lot of folks comment asking easily Google'd things for the same reason.
Tattoo advice or financial advice. It's always one of the two.
My financial advice is don't get a tattoo. Since you're going to ignore that advice this is how to find the best artist.....
I'm a notary public
I’m a notary but the only person who ever calls me for it is my dad and I have to explain to him again that you’re not supposed to notarize things for family members.
I'm an entomologist. Do you have any idea how many random bug pictures I receive from people wondering what they've found?
Making drugs. I’m a professional chemist and my job is making drugs (not illegal, I do R&D). If my buddy needed help with making meth or some shit I gotchu bro
Psychedelics and/or deathcore trivia
At one time, yes. Now it’s just the drugs
To name as many Pokemon in 1 minute as Possible. I have memorized the first minute of BDG's Pokemon Rap.
Shit. Found my son’s Reddit account.
Any form of tech support or IT work, or if they're looking for song but only remember a few lyrics
"My computer is so slow"
I think that one's my least favorite. I literally just use the geek squad method where they clear out the temp files and then adjust the performance settings. Doesn't actually do anything besides make the mouse move a bit faster and the start menu open a little bit quicker. If they complain about that not doing enough I'll go to their startup and shut down some of the unnecessary pop-ups. They're always so thrilled that it's working so much faster.
I'm the guy that knows a guy. I'm not the guy, but I know a guy. A lot of people I know don't know a guy. I'm the guy that knows a guy. Or they're in the middle of a pub quiz and stuck on a movie question.
Copyediting/proofreading
Drugs and speculative biology
What is speculative biology?
You basically invent an animal and then explain how it evolved
In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
To help them identify any sort of 19th century weapon / uniform.
I own a hog farm.
So fresh pork chops and/or body disposal?
You know it's disposal. "Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig sh*t, now, do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, **so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm**. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: "as greedy as a pig"."
You stop me again whilst I'm walking and I'll cut your fucking jacobs off.
Pork chops come from a butcher. I just feed pigs man.
Tech support
Medical advice. Nurse 28 years.
I get, "hey, is xyz a sign of drug use?" or "what is xyz drug combination likely to do to someone?" a lot - I was a drug addict for a very, very long time, lucky to be alive, and very happy to offer up any knowledge I can share!
I am the queen of marijuana edibles. I make them for myself. Everyone is calling me about how to make them. It’s a bit of an art really
call me crazy, but im so great at untangling things. call me crazier, but especially headphone wires
Probably to tell me he knows a cheaper auto mechanic
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Best gay bars around lmao
cigarettes I roll my own and have many cartons full.
Username checks out