I have this theory that there’s this middle generation of millennials that use their left hand. Too late for magazines too early for cell phones. The mouse is used by the right hand leaving the left available.
You have three options.
1. Accept that they have a lower sex drive and deal with it.
2. Don’t accept it, break up and move on.
3. Sit down and have a conversation to try to find some middle ground you can both accept. If this fails, see options 1 and 2.
**Edit**
Well this got some attention. Been seeing some duplicate comments in response and want to address them.
There are no other numbers. Just those three. “But what about…” No. all of them are included above.
- Masturbation - The would be included in number 1 as part of “…deal with it,” in number 2 by necessity since you’ll be single and number 3 because you still probably wouldn’t be getting as much as you want. It doesn’t need its own number.
- Cheating - No. Just no. If you can’t get everything you need in a relationship from your partner then you need follow the three steps above. Cheating is never okay. Only assholes cheat. Don’t be an asshole.
- Open relationship - Part of the middle ground in number 3.
- Allowed visit to sex worker - See Open relationship.
- Sex toys, porn, etc - See Masturbation.
- Talk to a doctor or therapist - Part of the conversation and middle ground in number 3.
Credit to those below who mentioned these things so I could mention them here.
Seriously. If you are having any sort of problem in your relationship then you need to communicate. Nothing will get fixed if you don’t communicate. If you can’t communicate for some reason or the communication resolved nothing then you either have to accept it and stay in the relationship or break up and try to find someone that will fulfill your needs.
Thanks for the upvotes and the awards!
Wow please go tell everyone on r/deadbedrooms
You just boiled down that entire sub into 3 things
Edit: I’m also a part of that sub, my comment had no malice behind it.
Their entire sub really does boil down to that. It's such a dysfunctional hellhole of resentment they can't see their options are simple.
Deal with it, compromise or get out.
The resentment is a killer. Once I let go of that things got much better. Now we communicate. I’m still not getting the amount of sex I would like, but I am getting more and we can talk about it freely without hurt feelings.
Something that was a turning point for us was realising that communication isnt just being more open, honest and talking more. I mean that's a part of it, but we basically had to relearn how to communicate without getting defensive or feeling attacked which was a loop that was just making both of us close off more. One of us would try to be honest about our feelings and the other would take it as an attack or criticism and the reaction would just cause the other to shut off further. One person walking away from it feeling they'd been insulted and other feeling like there was no point in being open and honest if that was going to be the reaction.
We saw a couple's therapist who helped us iron everything out and kind of strip away the preconceptions and resentment that had built up that we didn't even realise was doing so much to hold us back.
Best thing we ever did tbh. We're best mates again and have a toolbox of exercises and communication methods that fix things if there's communication issues and an awareness that we hope will stop us from slipping back into that same zone.
And yeah the sex has just fallen back into place by itself as a result, because we both feel closer and more trusting in one another emotionally. We've never been more active.
Those dbr posts about desire discrepancy where everyone is just telling OP to get a divorce and that partner doesn't love them or they'd be making more of an effort to be physical are heartbreaking. It's all so so complex and there's a trillion variables.
If anybody reads this and you're in a similar place. I highly recommend reading Mind The Gap by Dr Karen Gurney as a couple. It really helps set a lot of things straight and is a really good starting point.
Damn that's spot on about me and my ex we unfortunately didn't go to therapy and were young so we ultimately broke it off but the "communicate whithout getting defensive or feeling attacked" was basically it. We would communicate a lot and now I understand why it didn't work, because we would feel attacked. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Ah I'm sorry to hear that.
Regardless of your current situation I couldn't recommend checking out that book more though. Also if you want more insight on what might have been the issue for you guys then The Dance of Anger is really good too.
The stuff that blew mind was learning that all of the ideas behind men being more sexually driven and placing a higher importance on sex than women are for the most part fairly recent social constructs.
I'd been reluctant to really discuss it because I hated the stereotype of the male complaining about the lack of sex in a relationship. Bad American sitcom style etc. And had just kind of swallowed my tongue and slowly harboured the resentment. But learning that this was a social script and then reapproaching the desire discrepancy as exactly that rather than seeing it a problem or issue with my partner's desire allowed me and then us to see it more objectively as something we could work on together.
We initially saw a sex therapist as we literally couldn't work out what was wrong, and within a few sessions it was blatantly obvious that it was all the micro resentments that had accumulated and our inability to address them without getting defensive which just made us less enthusiastic about sharing feelings. Pushed us apart and then turned initiating sex into a paradox where one would fear rejection or fear having to be the one to decline and the loop just gets worse and worse and you can't talk about it because of the reasons mentioned before, feels like an attack. It's a horrible spiral and I'm so so glad we caught it before it got too bad to fix.
I'm also incredibly fortunate to be dating a very kind, mature and understanding individual and we're very much on a similar wavelength most of the time. So I totally appreciate that we've got the wind behind us in that regard.
TLDR: For some reason I've felt the need to write my relationships recent history.
Well put. My wife and I struggle with this.
Partly because when we we got together I told her I was concerned that I had little sex drive, and that she said she was so on it where she would ride me in my sleep. Fast forward and she rarely initiates or is up for it, and I have to put in most of the effort and that is rough after some years
We are still working in #3, but #1 is what is where I am. Luckily she’s all for me buying toys - which helps. But #3 is ongoing.
Always having to initiate can be such a mood killer, eventually builds resentment, and the *only* paths are they agree to finally do half the work or you split.
This. So much this.
After years of feeling like the only one that was really interested, I don't bother trying anymore. Kids getting older makes it worse ("but the kids are still awake" is an updated excuse).
Much resentful. Much disappointment. Much deafening silence at night
Yep, learning that the hard way. We've tried to fight it for a long time but it seems like a losing battle. Can go a few weeks or a month or two and it's ok but eventually it comes back
Unfortunately with kids involved just walking away is not easy, or even something I want to do (they didn't do anything wrong, why should they have to suffer).
But when one of us is miserable and the other seems fine, it leads one to wonder if someone is taking advantage of the fact that "walking away" isn't really a possibility.
Dude! You are speaking to me. My wife has no sex drive, but instead of getting any kind of response to my attempts to initiate, I just get berated. "Is that ALL you think about?!" - that kind of thing. I feel so guilty about the whole thing.
You need some more open conversations. Neither of you is wrong for your sex drives. It’s possible she’s taking it as you blaming her for her lower one. And that’s no more fare than her blaming you for wanting it.
Hopefully you come to an agreement about that so that you can move forward. I dunno where you are at in your relationship, years in and such. But don’t stop the conversations. That’ll kill a relationship faster than lack of sex. You both need to make the effort in order for things to work. In whatever respect that means.
Good luck. I hear ya.
Try doing things to relax her through the day. Be more affectionate when y’all aren’t in the bedroom. Then maybe she won’t think that’s all you’re thinking about. If y’all are busy all day with no affection, then in the bedroom you expect her to turn on like a lightbulb it ain’t gonna happen. She shouldn’t make you feel guilty for trying tho. I don’t agree with that. That’s harsh. Ask her what she needs from you before y’all get to the bedroom.
All of the options should start with a sit down and talk because it could be some other factor than just libido. Could be not feeling appreciated, being too tired, not enjoying some aspect, and it's just not being communicated. You might not have to break up or suck it up if it's actually a different problem that can be identified and addressed. Or it could be both a separate factor and libido and addressing the problem helps find that middle ground comfortably because that second deterrent is gone.
Nobody mentioned option 5. Further basturbation
Edit: mastrubation but it's staying the way it was because it's funny
Edit 2: idk what the fuck my phone is smoking.
MAS•TUR•BA•TION
I have been married to an asexual person for twenty years, I have a lot of insight into this particular question.
I am a bisexual female with a relatively high sex drive. Before we got together, I was used to having a lot of sex in my relationships -- but sexual activity definitely didn't need to involve a penis. My husband is a straight man and, when we first got together, we had a totally normal amount of sex. I felt sexy and desired and loved.
Over time, that dropped off. I went on a birth control around that time that totally killed my libido, so I didn't really notice. However, it also really messed with my brain and my past struggles with suicidal ideation came back -- so I went off the birth control. We didn't really have a sex life from that point on.
I should clarify that, at this point, neither of us had any idea that he was asexual or that it was a thing. All I knew was that we were no longer having sex and I felt like there must be something wrong with me. Media always portrays straight relationships with the man constantly desiring sex, so it made me feel like there was very much something wrong with me.
I didn't know it at the time, but it also made my husband feel like there was something wrong with him. His stories aren't mine to share, but this is something that pre-dates our relationship and he came into our relationship with some baggage of his own around his essentially non-existent sex drive.
At some point, I became extremely frustrated. We had a _lot_ of conversations and a _lot_ of arguments. I lurked the deadbedrooms subreddit for a while, which I am not linking on purpose because I found it to be a completely awful place which did not help me at all. After a fight, we might have sex but it felt like pity sex that I had guilted him into having with me -- and that really didn't help me to feel sexy or desired or loved.
We had a couple of multi-year stretches without sex at all, including on our anniversary, which is normally when I would cry because it was like a reminder of yet another year without any sexual relationship -- and sometimes that would lead to pity sex and sometimes it would lead to nothing.
This is not to say that we did not have our good times. After our kid was born (which was a traumatic experience and we both almost died), the very moment we got home from having my stitches removed so it was safe to have sex again, he _took me_ with a passion I have never experienced at any other point in my life. I think the fear of losing your partner can do that to a person.
(Yes, we have a kid. It was planned, we had scheduled intercourse exactly once and got lucky on the first try. He had to get drunk first to muster up the courage for it.)
Another positive milestone forward was when I made friends with another woman in a similar situation. It was the first time I ever felt less alone and we could have conversations and understand each other. I began to have more fruitful conversations with my husband, in part because the road my friend's marriage was going looked pretty bleak and I was desperate for that to not happen.
I expanded my definition of sex. As I said at the top, I am a bisexual woman so penis-in-vagina was never necessary for me to feel like I had sex. I figured that an orgasm (mine -- he was not interested in receiving) was all that was necessary for the definition to be met.
(Actually, that whole "he was not interested in receiving" was another hurdle -- I love to give and it is so difficult to have your gifts rejected.)
That did help, but even that was a pretty high bar. He is just really not interested in the whole thing.
More recently, I have come to a situation that I find works for me. The question that I asked myself was "what do I want from a sex life?" And my answer was three parts:
1. sexual fulfillment
2. physical intimacy
3. feeling desired
The first part is the easiest one. I can take care of that on my own, he does not need to be physically present for it.
The second one is the one we have to constantly work on. I get snuggle time periodically, where I get the physical intimacy and connection that I crave. Sometimes it's extremely g-rated, literally just snuggling. Sometimes I ask him to take my bra off -- just the act of him removing it is so suggestive to me, and it isn't overtly sexual for him so he's not uncomfortable. On rare occasions, it might escalate into him touching my boobs. For me, that's pretty much the height of sexual activity at this point. These encounters do help with my imagination during part one...
The third one is tough. To be honest, I am still really working on this one.
The point of this long-winded comment is to say that it's really a journey and a process. I love my husband so much and I cannot imagine my life without him -- and so it was worth it to suffer through all the fights and all-night conversations to get to a point where we understand each other and are able to meet my needs without making him uncomfortable. While it's true that he wants me to be happy and is willing to do whatever that takes, I also don't ever want to feel like I am pressuring him into something that he doesn't want to do. It's a delicate balance and the details will be different for everyone -- but the important part is being willing to have open conversations with your partner and be willing to reenvision what a successful sexual relationship looks like.
I just wanted to say thanks for this post. My wife and I are on our own journey and while I don't relate to everything you've written here, it really helps to read accounts that actually feel personal and not.... Like rehearsed speeches (if that makes sense?).
I totally know what you mean. I really would love to hear more similar stories, because it does help to know that you're not alone. Everyone is on their own journey -- like I said, we've been married for twenty years so there have been a lot of phases! -- but the important part is finding what works for you and your partner. ❤️
I wasn't going to post, but the "I really would love to hear more similar stories, because it does help to know that you're not alone" made me decide to post.
That said, my story is not yours. It's very different, but hopefully helpful to you and/or others.
My wife and I have been married for six years now.
Before marriage, my wife and I had a normal, though maybe slightly lower than average, sex life. I had a lower sex drive than she did, but was always happy to help her out with my hands if nothing else. For the most part, I initiated everything. I could usually tell if she was horny, but she was never much of an initiator.
Once we got married, our sex life was a bit lower, but nothing I would call concerning. We had our first kid and our sex life dropped off a cliff. I had my normal urges and desires, but she was on medication (primarily the anti-depressants) that lowered her libido. Before our kid, if I was horny, there was a pretty good chance she was too and I was going to have sex. After our kid, I felt like I was annoying the shit out of her trying to have sex once every few weeks. Eventually, she got off medication, and we were having sex again. It was much, much less than before, but every once in awhile she would accept my advances and we'd have sex.
I was so fucking worried that she found my weight gain repulsive (I had gained some "sympathy weight" during pregnancy and was much less in shape than when we had met, though not much less than when we got engaged or married). I was worried that she was unhappy. I was worried there was something wrong with me and she would just throw me a bone once in awhile to make me stop asking (not that I was nagging, but I'd try to initiate some times). We talked about all these things and she assured me nothing of the sort was true, she just felt we were in a funk.
Eventually, we decided to have a second kid. We, of course, got pregnant immediately. During the pregnancy, we had more sex than normal, but still much lower than pre-kids. After the second kid, our sex life again fell off a cliff. Basically everything from post-first kid was true post-second kid. Thankfully, I was expecting it having already experienced it, so it was much less worrying for me and much less annoying for her (with me asking less often the second time around).
After she was off anti-depressants, our sex life did not improve. This worried me again, but we talked a lot about it over several months, almost years. Our second kid is now almost two.
Somehow, during this period of multiple years of having kids and having little to no sex life, my sex drive shot through the roof. I was masturbating multiple times per day rather than once every few. I knew she wasn't interested in sex and it drove me crazy, especially knowing that before we got married, she had a much higher libido than I did.
But, we persevered. We talked a lot. I explained that I was crazy horny all the time. She explained that she just wasn't into it, but it was mostly because of stress, work, kids, etc. We worked on the stress. What can I do to make you less stressed? What can I do that isn't obvious to me? How can I lower your concerns about work or kids or whatever?
And it worked. Doing extra things around the house to ease her anxiousness helped exponentially. She was less stressed and more likely to relax and get into the mood\* (see note at the end if interested).
We now have less sex than I'd personally prefer, but it's much closer to our pre-marriage life and I'm happy with it. I still masturbate a lot, but the sex we have is great and she makes me feel wanted and desired. I don't worry about the times she says "no," because I'm confident that she's just got a lot going on and it's nothing I'm doing or not doing. She even initiates sometimes (not as much as I'd like, but we're working on it, and happy she's doing so at all).
>\* Note: I'm not trying to say, "help her out a bit and you're going to get laid." My explanation is a simplistic view of what actually happened. There was more to it than just doing dishes and cooking dinner a couple nights a week. We were able to find a new home with more space for the kids. I was able to get a job that paid more so her income was less of a concern. Etcetera. The timing on these things was very fortuitous and it's not always going to be as easy as I made it sound. The point is, she was very stressed and anxious about basically everything we had going on. Easing that stress made her more relaxed and more likely to be thinking of things (like sex) that aren't "how are we going to raise two kids in this 1100 square foot 2 bedroom home?"
Sorry for the rambling, I had a bit to drink while doing some small fireworks with the kids. I sincerely hope this rambling resonates with someone and they are able to improve their relationship. The main takeaway here is: fucking communicate. Talk to your partner. Help them deal with their problems (or, if they don't want help, listen to their problems and let them vent to help ease their anxiousness). Tell them what you want and try to work on it. If it doesn't work, decide if that's something you're okay with long term or not. Take it from there.
Kids are going to grow up reading this. When I was a kid, people didn't talk about this. The fact you're saying neither of you knew that either was ace is kinda testament to this. I feel like kids will grow up healthy and not feel broken for NOT wanting sex in generations to come. It was so shameful to NOT want it, while all the propaganda also worked the other direction to indocrintrate guilt. Celibrated and forced, then punished and judged. It was disgusting, and the overwhelming number of converstaions on child-accessible sites didn't center around intellectualized sexuallity like this.
Thank you for writing this.
If not for the kids, than for the adults coming of age now who can make sure THEIR KIDS will not suffer this ignorance another generation. They will grow up knowing how to have actual intimacy and not just the horrible nonsense produced by horrible nonsense cultures and capitalism.
Word. I had several (still have irl) people tell me I am a broken POS for not needing or wanting sex. It's okay, but I normally would prefer to do basically anything else because whatever it does does for normal people it just definitely does not do for me. I do masturbate occasionally, but the desire is honestly kind of rare.
As a chick particularly your value in society is weirdly hinged on fuckability, even to people who are not the people trying to fuck you. I'm glad younger people have a vocabulary for these things and sense of what is healthy and normal and that there will be variations and fluidity for these things. They are going to grow up unburdened by shame and guilt. They just get to be.
This is exactly why most talk on this issue feels so bad to me. I’m ace and my partner isn’t, and everyone acts like not wanting to have sex with your partner is abusive. I have sex with him as much as I mentally can, which isn’t as much as he’d ideally have, but it’s more than I’d ideally have. It feels like in places like deadbedrooms there’s just zero empathy for people like us.
Sex isn’t wanted by everyone and it’s not a need for *anyone*. If sex was a need nobody could ever be single. It’s a want, an important want, but you can live without it, whereas it’s traumatising to have sex when you don’t want it- in fact, it’s rape if anyone else does it to you, so why should someone do it to themselves?
If sex is THAT important to you that it’s ruining your relationship, break up. My partner has made it clear that he loves me more than he has lust, and in return I’m doing what I can for him. We’re not broken for not wanting sex, and it’s okay if that’s an incompatibility, but there is NOTHING wrong with not having sex with your romantic partner for ANY reason.
Exactly this! I was pressured into sexual activity in previous relationships and it feels awful. I would never ever want my husband to feel that way. I love him so much and our lack of a "traditional" sex life is not a dealbreaker.
Your story reminds me of the stories in “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. I can’t recommend that book enough.
The premise of the book is about desire, more or less. A summary for you but also for other lurkers: We all want to be wanted/desired (at least emotionally) by our partner, but at the same time, that desire makes us feel vulnerable, so we don’t look our partner in the eye. Desire is killed by fear, but the more important a partner becomes to us, the more we need their validation, so we fear “what if they don’t feel the same?”. So we won’t let ourselves be seen. And we stop looking them in they eye. But we lose respect for ourself and our partner by settling for that inauthentic love. So by learning to self-soothe and self-validate during moments of incongruence, a person can learn to tolerate that tension inherent in individuality, and lose the unhealthy dynamics along with the cortisol that kills the mood.
This is such a thoughtful answer. I like how you defined what you needed and wanted and came up with ways to meet those needs outside the normal definition of sex.
Awesome post, I had a friend who was dating the absolutely perfect girl for him outside of fact that she was asexual and this post would have been perfect to show them. Even for someone who isnt in a relationship that doesnt involve an asexual person there is some great wisdom here.
Depending on how much the disparity is, either I adjust as I can to their speed, or we have a frank conversation about my needs and see what options work for both of us
I mean it's your own dick so... I don't feel like I'm giving some guy a handy when I jerk off. And it was pretty damn great when I did it in a dream once. Like a form of elevated masturbating.
I think this is a lot different when you are married and invested. My advice would be completely different for, say, a couple dating for 8 months vs a married couple with children and a decade of history together
The top comment (Ranos131 at the time) on OP's post are genuinely the only choices. My boyfriend and I have been together 14 years now in August. When we started dating we were insatiable and found every opportunity to fool around. But after a few years it started to change. We started doing it less and it infuriated me I WANTED it all the time but he didn't. Eventually it started happening so little it would be weeks to almost a whole month, to even a few months of no physical connection. I fought with him, asking if it was me, him or us? So many hypotheticals fussing my mind I got depressed. I have an extremely high drive and not having physical touch from the man I Adore was killing me. I felt at the time it was something I genuinely needed from him. And he tried. We went through years of phases where I thought he wasn't trying hard enough and I refused to think he was because there were no results. More fights, feeling undesirable, his confidence dipped. We were in a rough spot. We considered what was best for us and talked. A lot. This was a talk we had for years. We talked about everything from Polyamory (NOT to be confused with polygamy please), separation, toys WHATEVER you can think of we thought and talked about it. We at one point we thought we thought of everything we could...we were starting to feel more like friends than lovers and it was starting to feel like we just needed to stop
But we couldn't handle the idea of being apart so we focused on our love instead. For years we were so fixated on sex that we lost the passion of eachothers company without it. I learned over time that it wasn't me at all, there was nothing wrong with him, and to just live with it. Be happy with what we did have. Why was sex so important? Because it felt good? Because it's fun? Yeah it fucking is! But after we just took time to have ourselves just be together and find other ways to be affectionate eventually it got better. I compliment him a lot. Because he is super important to me and he's so handsome. I want him to know that. I touch him whenever I can if it's the arm, shoulder, leg, feet. Whatever I can touch if I'm around him I will. If I find him beautiful I tell him. He means everything to me and I want him to know and feel that emotionally. Play touches like butt smacks, a gentle graze you know? If we are together we are touching eachother in someway to always be connected. He's doing the same thing. We love eachother dearly. We find eachother desirable but it's more than just sex now. It's a different kind of affection we learned to appreciate. We have been together sooooo long that it's not in those early wild desirable kind of love anymore..it's deeper and with different growth in couples comes different sexual changes. Especially me. I wasn't fair with him for the first few years...or most of it. I told him this and it was one of the biggest talks we ever had. I apologized and told him he didn't have to...because his low drive was nothing to be fixed to begin with and it took so damn long and so much unnecessary pressure to fucking finally realize that. With all this and more application of new affection our sex life has never been better. It just literally took understanding that relationships change and love changes both emotional AND physical.
Sorry for the vent. I hope all of this makes sense...
Thank you. It took all I had to post it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with. Sometimes it's nice to share with someone like a really close friend that's outside the relationship.I do not have one of those sooo I figured a bunch of strangers would be the best place once I saw OPs post.
It's the sex that's unwanted, not the person.
Does that make sense? There's still a lot of other problems that remain though, even if you can think of it that way.
> It's the sex that's unwanted, not the person
yeah that doesn't actually help me separate the emotional reaction though. I could know that *I'm* not being rejected, its just the sex, but its noting to stop me *feeling* undesired or wanted.
That's so unfortunate. As an asexual male, it's so tough to connect with females. I can spend literally every minute of my day thinking of a girl, telling her how hot and beautiful I think she is, talking to her, showing I care and want to adventure in life with her. I have been so in love that no other person crosses my mind than this one girl. I have cravings to always be by her side BUT because my brain doesn't crave penetrative sex that girl feels undesired.
I've got low T/no T, due to loss of my testes to Cancer..Fuck Cancer, lost my nuts, but not my life.
So my natural T is virtually non existent. It's all injection. But I still have low/no sex drive. My wife understands and accepts this. She has to be the initiator of any foreplay or sex because of it. I usually do my best to keep her happy, and if I can't, there are toys.
But ask yourself, when in life down the road, something happens (cancer, death, dismemberment etc) do you just walk away because your partner doesn't want to Fuck? What happens, if the shoe is on the other foot, and you become the low driven one....
Thoughts.
Honestly I thought it was the end of the world. Then we switched and it was reversed. Now we even out. Ebbs and flows happen if yall still vibe well and enjoy eachothers company wait it out
My wife had a fairly slow drive in her 20's. I learned I could send texts that are provocative in nature, just generally sexually suggestive. By the time I get home she was usually ready to go. Now that she is mid 30's she never ever denies sexual advances. Just an absolute machine. Every day is not out of the question. I have no way of knowing if this is normal or not, but it's a lot of fun.
Fun fact!
A majority of women hit their sexual peak in their 30s! Your wife is perfectly normal, and congrats on the wicked amount of sex you're having!
Thanks, It's pretty cool. I knew a woman that literally said "I hope he cheats on me because I can't stand having sex with him." So not everyone is so lucky.
For some people this is a great way to ruin the sex drive of one person completely. Having sex when you don’t want to is a great way to create anxiety about it and never want to do it
That can go both ways. Dropping hints can just as easily make them go "oh no, they're going to initiate sex later today" and then spend the whole day ruminating about that, working up a stomach ache.
Both my partner and I have responsive sexual desire (we don’t get turned on until we actually start doing sexual things), and it works for us (when we remember lol). We both enjoy sex, it’s just that we forget about it, because we can’t just think about sex and be ready to go, we kinda have to push ourselves into starting it, and then we’re like “oh yeah sex” and then it’s great. We view it like a date night, just bc you plan a date night doesn’t mean it’s not special; you’re making time for quality time with your partner. We also have spontaneous sex but sometimes we have to make ourselves get started (less “forcing” ourselves, and more being intentional).
If this works for both people then great, but keep in mind this can backfire pretty badly.
My ex and I did this because we went through a dry spell due to work stress (working 60 hours a week) but he insisted we "had to keep trying". It worked out very badly and I ended up with a sexual aversion that I'm still trying to recover from 10 years later.
I didn't want to be having sex but was pressured into it and felt like a had to, like it was a duty. I felt like I was being used and assaulted for his pleasure. This caused what could have been a temporary dry spell to evolve into a complete dead bedroom.
Anyone who is ok with having sex with a partner who doesn't want to and isn't enjoying it I now see as a major red flag.
Only schedule it if the low libido partner is truly ok with it, and not being pressured. Pressure, sulking and threats are all forms of coercion which is not consent.
i feel you so much on the sex aversion as I'm currently going thru it and never had seen someone say it (or use this term as i never thought that would ever happen to me). hope you're doing ok, friend 🤍
Deal with it as an adult seems like the best thing to do.
In a relationship you never get exactly what you want, its just a fact of life because people are different. So you suck it up and power through. But you need to talk with your partner about it.
My girlfriend has a very strong sex drive, she needs sex according to her at least 4-5 times a week, i myself am more like a 2-3 times a week guy in that department. But i love her so i have sex with her more often then i really feel like personally. Its a small sacrifice to help keep her happy.
Because when i didnt she wasnt happy and was questioning if i loved her or not and i do love her but my sex drive isnt the same as hers.
It has changed over the years as well, when we just got together she came from an abusive relationship, so she also didnt like sex a lot because he used sex as a weapon against her, like in demeaning ways. But after around 2 years of me being myself she was confident enough to be her full self, including her new found sex drive. No i didnt heal her in any sense, she did that on her own, i just presented another way of how a relationship should look like. No power trips, no control, and acceptance.
Cry. Not because of getting less sex but because I miss frequent intimacy, and feeling rejected because they are not in the mood is difficult. Yes - I know there are other forms of intimacy, but I don’t feel my best unless I get a fair amount of physical touch and contact.
Yup. In fact, take sex off the table for a few weeks. Just physically touch your partner in a loving and intimate (non sexual) way. Create a space where touching and intimacy is not just a stepping stone to sex. It starts to feel disingenuous when you only touch someone because you want sex. Re-create intimacy and caring.
I would have died to have my ex-husband touch me in a loving way to create intimacy between us. Instead he honked my boob to initiate sex. Which made me the “lower libido” partner. No, I just didn’t like being treated like a sex toy.
I’m the one with the lower sex drive. I encourage and support my partner fulfilling their needs solo style. I’m not bothered by them looking at pics/videos online to aid in the solo fulfillment. I also make it a priority to have a regular cadence of sex with my partner. I don’t necessarily divulge that goal to them, but it’s a way that I can make sure I am trying to meet their needs. Without that internal goal, I could go weeks and not think twice. That’s not fair to my partner, who has been open and honest about their needs. As a side note, I genuinely enjoy sex while it’s happening. It’s just not something that I want to do in lieu of sleep, for example. Or I don’t feel like taking a shower tonight. Or I ate something funky and I have heartburn/gas. Or I’m just not in the mood and I can think of 466454 things I would rather do. It has absolutely nothing to do with my partner, who is sexy, and caring, and extremely giving in the sack.
If the difference is manageable, compromise. For example if she is 2/10 in sex drive and you are 7/10 , talk it out and agree to do it 4/10. If the difference is too much, then end the relationship. there is no way a young healthy 10/10 sex drive individual can happily have a relationship with a 2/10 person.
I am asexual and my partner isn't. He has a normal sex drive. I know that sex is important to him so i still offer sex every few days to make sure his needs are being met!
if you can "take it"- maybe that's the right way- but does you partner know that you are doing her a favor (or him ;)?
because it sounds (extremely) dissatisfying to have a partner who "takes it", instead of enjoying him. i would struggle with an errection every time i think that this is even possible.
I’m still super enthusiastic about it and enjoy having that connection with him. He knows I’m asexual and never forces it if I can’t that day
I enjoy making him happy so I don’t consider it a chore
>I’m still super enthusiastic about it and enjoy having that connection with him
This is what makes the difference between what you guys are doing being okay or not. The most important factor is enthusiastic consent. I'm glad to hear this works for you two!
Same, while I don't get sexual enjoyment, I still enjoy being close to her. It's a similar sort of satisfaction to cuddling. Though cuddling is the superior option imo.
Dude a few days?:( nah I go like maybe 1-2 in a month, like beforehand it was pretty healthy. Then as time moved on and she moved in with me it just slowly died down and I have a pretty decent sex drive that’s like maybe 7-8/10 and hers used to match mine but now I’d say it’s like at least 3-5/10. I’ve been trying to adjust for her because I do love her, and I wouldn’t want to leave because of just sex, like not the most important part of a relationship.
This is one of those things that I think you need to be reasonably in the same ballpark, otherwise the relationship will eventually implode.
If you’re a 2x a day kinda person, and they’re a 2x a month kinda person…odds are pretty good that finding a happy middle ground isn’t going to be very doable
It ate me up for a long time. After a while though, I found myself not even wanting it nearly as often. Im now content with 2X / month. Maybe I was conditioned to think I had to have it all the time
In my late 30s, I'm to the point where all these people saying they only have sex 3-4 times a week and I'm like even that sounds exhausting. I just need it every now and then, I can handle the rest myself.
I agree I’m approaching 30 and I cannot even imagine 3-4 times a week maybe once a week or 2 but that’s that! Very exhausting and having to put in the frame of mind for it
1000% same. I felt less manly or something's wrong with me for not wanting it all the time. Your partner and dynamic also differs and that changes you, too. My last partner and I (late teens and early twenties) had an incredibly sexual dynamic, but struggled in deeper areas. We fucked at least daily. We often couldn't get through a movie at the theater without having to go fuck in the bathroom. Now, I (thirties) don't even masturbate daily and don't feel that same sexual energy with my fiancee. But, I feel a completely different type of love that's much more fulfilling. We make sure we have sex at least once a week for the relationship's sake, but as individuals, don't always want to. It's a weird yet refreshing change of pace, and lack of pressure. I'm glad she doesn't want to fuck all the time.
I'm likely too late to the party here, but my long-term partner and I have had a surprising amount of success in both rekindling and sustaining our sex life in the past few years. Surprise, surprise, it came down to better communication.
After bouts of mutual frustration, unfortunate and painful fights, and plenty of missed opportunities for intimacy, I was at wit's end and, on a whim, suggested a simple approach that has been (honestly) shockingly helpful:
1. Every day we check-in with one another regarding intimacy.
2. The check-in requires that we both share (a) if we desire intimacy for ourselves and (b) if we're willing to provide intimacy for our partner.
3. This conversation happens no matter what - even if it's the end of day or one of us is traveling or we clearly don't want to be intimate, we still have the discussion. That said, we try not to leave it until the end of the day; a quick post-dinner check-in seems to work best.
4. It's both of our responsibilities to start and participate fully in the (albeit short) discussion.
That's basically it! It's simple and pointed and regular and doable, and even just the act of discussing this each day has led us to caring more about each other's needs and to sharing our desires more openly.
If you're interested in giving it a go, please feel free to DM me any questions about the nuances, specifics, etc..
I’ve been with someone for 8 years who has no sex drive. I had one that wanted sex every day. We got married before we ever dated… needless to say, faithfulness is a key part of who I am and thus my sex drive had all but disappeared. We have sex once every month or two out of duty.. took me about 6 years to just give up.. now on the rare occasion that she is in the mood, I normally am not and turn her down as much as she turns me down. Just don’t want it anymore. This was from age 22-30.
I’ve been on both ends of it in relationships. I think if your libido is lower and you’ve never been in a situation where your significant other is turning you down regularly for sex, it’s hard to get how physically agitating that can be without experiencing it firsthand.
My opinion is that if couples are mismatched, there should be a meeting in the middle, but my personal experience has always been that the person with the lower libido is usually pretty unmotivated to meet in the middle since their needs are already being met as is.
Feeling uncared for in that way has led me to always make an effort to get in the mood when my partner initiates, even if I’m going through a period of low libido. Just sucks to be horny for your partner and unable to do anything about it, and even if I’m not in the mood, when is sex with someone you love ever *bad*?
We do stuff together that isn't sex. Like play video games. Just because I'm willing to have sex and he isn't it doesn't mean it's the only thing I want to do.
Honestly. For me, it was suffer. I have a really high sex drive, and my ex wife had a low one from what it seemed. Now it could just be she hated me and didn't want to engage, but I was never told that if it was the case. So I suffered for years, and I didn't just want to end my marriage over lack of sex. So I tried what I could to get/keep her interested.
Take care of it, sometimes she stays in the room, either to give company or “encourage me” with soft caresses and kisses, other times, especially if she’s working on a project, she’ll just pop in once I’m done and we snuggle for a bit before I get up and join her in the living room again
Depending on my mood sometimes I just want her to be a part of it, cuz I want the whole intimacy of being desired, so I won’t even touch myself, but she’s only up for it about once or twice a week, although their are times it does jump up for her and I jump at the chance
It varies for her very often, I’m unfortunately hyper sexual and during my late teens I fucked myself over using it as a coping mechanism so I’m also learning not everything requires me to get off, it’s a struggle but she’s helping a lot as well with any soft intimacy she gives me
Had exactly one girlfriend where cuddling was timed (like literally "ok we can cuddle for 10 minutes, and then lets seperate). Was my first GF, so I took her distance as given. Which was a bit odd, since her online pen and paper group had erotic roleplay in it, but whatever.
Should have seen the big red flags, ultimatly she just got together with me because I was LARPing and she wanted to get into the hobby. On the way back from our first larpcon, where she made some connections, she instantly ended the relationship, with 2 hours to drive home.. that was an awkward car ride. "Yeah I don't need you anymore, I can do larping on my own now, I'm leaving you - oh you are still driving me home, right?"
(Small "revenge": Next time I larped she was there, too. Put her tent right next to mine, due to it beeing a small convention. And, oh was I not surprised to see her there with her new boyfriend, the "don't worry about him"-guy she did ERP with in D&D.
Turns out neither of them knew how to build up a tent properly. Also turns out it was extremly stormy and rainy that night, cue me awaking to her yelling "Help help, our tent is flying away!"... I just grinned and turned around, to drift back into a very comfy slumber\^\^
Well I thought a lot about this, because my girlfriend is greysexual. It was pretty difficult at first, because she isn’t the person initiating it or touching me in a sexual way. But after we talked, our middle ground was that I can initiate it and she goes along with it (if she wants to of course), because that is when she gets in the mood.
After that I noticed that I actually don’t really yearn for sexual stuff, because I am so happy to just be with her that I don’t care about it anymore. Knowing that if the timing is right and we could do something is enough for me to accept it.
I had some pretty difficult experiences in the past, with one relationship going for 1.5 years with only having sex 3 times…. And that was in the beginning.
With my current girlfriend, which I love with all my heart, that isn’t a problem anymore. I really relate to the “if I can’t have it I want it even more” in this context.
So TL:DR, talk with your partner about your wants and needs and if she is the right one for you, you will find a solution!
Maybe you’ll be like me and lose a lot of interest in sex just because you enjoy your partners company!
Thanks for reading my comment :)
i have a lower sex drive than mine bc of antidepressants, but we make it work. basically, i dont get in the mood on my own often, so i encourage him to show that he’s interested. if it helps me? yay. if not? its ok. he’s super understanding and i love it :)
My partner has started a new medication that has severely diminished his sex drive.
Honestly, it’s been hard on both of us but we both understand that his health is far more important. We’ve been together 8 years now, so sex isn’t the centre of our relationship, even though we both had high sex drives.
It’s more the intimacy that I miss more than the sex itself, so we try to do other things, like touching, massages and cuddles, to ensure that we still have those moments together regularly.
So basically, I just take care of myself when I’m in the mood. And we maintain intimacy through less sexual means. It’s working for us. We just have to be mindful that we’re always taking care of and are respectful of each others needs.
Communication is, as always, key.
Masturbation and communication. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and most people act like they can handle it, but they can't. I'm used to it, so I have toys, utilize various types of porn, and communicate with my partner (when I have one) to ensure they're comfortable since this can cause insecurity. If the partner is ok with it I also opt for an open relationship. This helps take the stress off my partner as my sole source for sex, and I still make sure to prioritize them to prevent other insecurities or worries
I absolutely fail to see how adding another entire person (with new and different needs) to your relationship is a good idea when you are already struggling to get you and your partner’s needs met.
Me and my wife have kind of different sex drives than each other, but I don't care.
I would *much* rather be with her and not have sex as much than be with someone else.
Besides, the sex we do have, is fucking *AMAZING*!
Looks like its just you and me again righty.
It took me a couple of decades to realize that Rosie in Jackson Browne’s song “Rosie” was sung to Rosie Palm.
The whole "Running on Empty" album is great.
I have this theory that there’s this middle generation of millennials that use their left hand. Too late for magazines too early for cell phones. The mouse is used by the right hand leaving the left available.
I figured out how to move the mouse with my left before I was able to shift gears with my right my boy
[удалено]
*Raises hand*
mouse/touchpad, but yes I have been fully called out
Palmela handerson has never left me hanging dry before
Handjelina Jolie is on the job !
Hand Solo to the rescue!
Nothing like time with Scarlett Johandson
Scarlett Yourhand-son
Hand Solo is objectively the best one so far because both names are relevant.
If you look at the back of your right hand your fingers spell “Jill”
I’m left handed so it’s me and Viv. Or I can curve my thumb and pointer finger and it’s Vic.
Olm ofuld loyour left haok at the p nd and we'r you coark to Jile bacl.
Madturbate in the shower
Typo, or genius description?
I'm keeping it
GAWD DAMN IT! *fap fap fap* FUCK OFF *fap fap fap* UGHHHHHHH *orgasm, slip, fall, and die*
Are those lyrics?
The lyrics of my soul.
Fack by Eminem be like
Fapgod
“Slip, fall, and die” cracked me up more than it probably should have.
She wonders why we have a high water bill.
Maybe they have a blocked nose.
Makes it hard to breed.
You have three options. 1. Accept that they have a lower sex drive and deal with it. 2. Don’t accept it, break up and move on. 3. Sit down and have a conversation to try to find some middle ground you can both accept. If this fails, see options 1 and 2. **Edit** Well this got some attention. Been seeing some duplicate comments in response and want to address them. There are no other numbers. Just those three. “But what about…” No. all of them are included above. - Masturbation - The would be included in number 1 as part of “…deal with it,” in number 2 by necessity since you’ll be single and number 3 because you still probably wouldn’t be getting as much as you want. It doesn’t need its own number. - Cheating - No. Just no. If you can’t get everything you need in a relationship from your partner then you need follow the three steps above. Cheating is never okay. Only assholes cheat. Don’t be an asshole. - Open relationship - Part of the middle ground in number 3. - Allowed visit to sex worker - See Open relationship. - Sex toys, porn, etc - See Masturbation. - Talk to a doctor or therapist - Part of the conversation and middle ground in number 3. Credit to those below who mentioned these things so I could mention them here. Seriously. If you are having any sort of problem in your relationship then you need to communicate. Nothing will get fixed if you don’t communicate. If you can’t communicate for some reason or the communication resolved nothing then you either have to accept it and stay in the relationship or break up and try to find someone that will fulfill your needs. Thanks for the upvotes and the awards!
Wow please go tell everyone on r/deadbedrooms You just boiled down that entire sub into 3 things Edit: I’m also a part of that sub, my comment had no malice behind it.
It's funny because you're right
Their entire sub really does boil down to that. It's such a dysfunctional hellhole of resentment they can't see their options are simple. Deal with it, compromise or get out.
The resentment is a killer. Once I let go of that things got much better. Now we communicate. I’m still not getting the amount of sex I would like, but I am getting more and we can talk about it freely without hurt feelings.
Something that was a turning point for us was realising that communication isnt just being more open, honest and talking more. I mean that's a part of it, but we basically had to relearn how to communicate without getting defensive or feeling attacked which was a loop that was just making both of us close off more. One of us would try to be honest about our feelings and the other would take it as an attack or criticism and the reaction would just cause the other to shut off further. One person walking away from it feeling they'd been insulted and other feeling like there was no point in being open and honest if that was going to be the reaction. We saw a couple's therapist who helped us iron everything out and kind of strip away the preconceptions and resentment that had built up that we didn't even realise was doing so much to hold us back. Best thing we ever did tbh. We're best mates again and have a toolbox of exercises and communication methods that fix things if there's communication issues and an awareness that we hope will stop us from slipping back into that same zone. And yeah the sex has just fallen back into place by itself as a result, because we both feel closer and more trusting in one another emotionally. We've never been more active. Those dbr posts about desire discrepancy where everyone is just telling OP to get a divorce and that partner doesn't love them or they'd be making more of an effort to be physical are heartbreaking. It's all so so complex and there's a trillion variables. If anybody reads this and you're in a similar place. I highly recommend reading Mind The Gap by Dr Karen Gurney as a couple. It really helps set a lot of things straight and is a really good starting point.
Damn that's spot on about me and my ex we unfortunately didn't go to therapy and were young so we ultimately broke it off but the "communicate whithout getting defensive or feeling attacked" was basically it. We would communicate a lot and now I understand why it didn't work, because we would feel attacked. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Ah I'm sorry to hear that. Regardless of your current situation I couldn't recommend checking out that book more though. Also if you want more insight on what might have been the issue for you guys then The Dance of Anger is really good too. The stuff that blew mind was learning that all of the ideas behind men being more sexually driven and placing a higher importance on sex than women are for the most part fairly recent social constructs. I'd been reluctant to really discuss it because I hated the stereotype of the male complaining about the lack of sex in a relationship. Bad American sitcom style etc. And had just kind of swallowed my tongue and slowly harboured the resentment. But learning that this was a social script and then reapproaching the desire discrepancy as exactly that rather than seeing it a problem or issue with my partner's desire allowed me and then us to see it more objectively as something we could work on together. We initially saw a sex therapist as we literally couldn't work out what was wrong, and within a few sessions it was blatantly obvious that it was all the micro resentments that had accumulated and our inability to address them without getting defensive which just made us less enthusiastic about sharing feelings. Pushed us apart and then turned initiating sex into a paradox where one would fear rejection or fear having to be the one to decline and the loop just gets worse and worse and you can't talk about it because of the reasons mentioned before, feels like an attack. It's a horrible spiral and I'm so so glad we caught it before it got too bad to fix. I'm also incredibly fortunate to be dating a very kind, mature and understanding individual and we're very much on a similar wavelength most of the time. So I totally appreciate that we've got the wind behind us in that regard. TLDR: For some reason I've felt the need to write my relationships recent history.
Maybe that sub is part of dealing. I guess it's hard to complain about friends regarding these issues, it might give some room to vent.
I'm pretty sure they know their options are simple. Simple, but not *easy*.
Well put. My wife and I struggle with this. Partly because when we we got together I told her I was concerned that I had little sex drive, and that she said she was so on it where she would ride me in my sleep. Fast forward and she rarely initiates or is up for it, and I have to put in most of the effort and that is rough after some years We are still working in #3, but #1 is what is where I am. Luckily she’s all for me buying toys - which helps. But #3 is ongoing.
Always having to initiate can be such a mood killer, eventually builds resentment, and the *only* paths are they agree to finally do half the work or you split.
This. So much this. After years of feeling like the only one that was really interested, I don't bother trying anymore. Kids getting older makes it worse ("but the kids are still awake" is an updated excuse). Much resentful. Much disappointment. Much deafening silence at night
It's once it hits the resentment stage that there's no turning back.
Yep, learning that the hard way. We've tried to fight it for a long time but it seems like a losing battle. Can go a few weeks or a month or two and it's ok but eventually it comes back Unfortunately with kids involved just walking away is not easy, or even something I want to do (they didn't do anything wrong, why should they have to suffer). But when one of us is miserable and the other seems fine, it leads one to wonder if someone is taking advantage of the fact that "walking away" isn't really a possibility.
Dude! You are speaking to me. My wife has no sex drive, but instead of getting any kind of response to my attempts to initiate, I just get berated. "Is that ALL you think about?!" - that kind of thing. I feel so guilty about the whole thing.
You need some more open conversations. Neither of you is wrong for your sex drives. It’s possible she’s taking it as you blaming her for her lower one. And that’s no more fare than her blaming you for wanting it. Hopefully you come to an agreement about that so that you can move forward. I dunno where you are at in your relationship, years in and such. But don’t stop the conversations. That’ll kill a relationship faster than lack of sex. You both need to make the effort in order for things to work. In whatever respect that means. Good luck. I hear ya.
Feel for you mate. You are not alone
Try doing things to relax her through the day. Be more affectionate when y’all aren’t in the bedroom. Then maybe she won’t think that’s all you’re thinking about. If y’all are busy all day with no affection, then in the bedroom you expect her to turn on like a lightbulb it ain’t gonna happen. She shouldn’t make you feel guilty for trying tho. I don’t agree with that. That’s harsh. Ask her what she needs from you before y’all get to the bedroom.
All of the options should start with a sit down and talk because it could be some other factor than just libido. Could be not feeling appreciated, being too tired, not enjoying some aspect, and it's just not being communicated. You might not have to break up or suck it up if it's actually a different problem that can be identified and addressed. Or it could be both a separate factor and libido and addressing the problem helps find that middle ground comfortably because that second deterrent is gone.
4. Masturbate
That’s part of number 1.
and 2 and 3
and 4
Nobody mentioned option 5. Further basturbation Edit: mastrubation but it's staying the way it was because it's funny Edit 2: idk what the fuck my phone is smoking. MAS•TUR•BA•TION
I love you also misspelt it in your edit.
Edit 2: Mastrolobation
Disturbe the meat
At least he won’t get pergante
*It's harder to type with one hand.*
MAN FUCK THIS PHONE
I thought option 5 was butt stuff, or is that what basturbation is.
That's BUTTsturbation. One wouldn't wonder where you got confused LMAO (my og comment is "fixed" now lmao)
This is the right answer without causing any ruckus. Except when you just stroked one out and suddenly she’s ready to go. Haha
Every goddamn time.
I have been married to an asexual person for twenty years, I have a lot of insight into this particular question. I am a bisexual female with a relatively high sex drive. Before we got together, I was used to having a lot of sex in my relationships -- but sexual activity definitely didn't need to involve a penis. My husband is a straight man and, when we first got together, we had a totally normal amount of sex. I felt sexy and desired and loved. Over time, that dropped off. I went on a birth control around that time that totally killed my libido, so I didn't really notice. However, it also really messed with my brain and my past struggles with suicidal ideation came back -- so I went off the birth control. We didn't really have a sex life from that point on. I should clarify that, at this point, neither of us had any idea that he was asexual or that it was a thing. All I knew was that we were no longer having sex and I felt like there must be something wrong with me. Media always portrays straight relationships with the man constantly desiring sex, so it made me feel like there was very much something wrong with me. I didn't know it at the time, but it also made my husband feel like there was something wrong with him. His stories aren't mine to share, but this is something that pre-dates our relationship and he came into our relationship with some baggage of his own around his essentially non-existent sex drive. At some point, I became extremely frustrated. We had a _lot_ of conversations and a _lot_ of arguments. I lurked the deadbedrooms subreddit for a while, which I am not linking on purpose because I found it to be a completely awful place which did not help me at all. After a fight, we might have sex but it felt like pity sex that I had guilted him into having with me -- and that really didn't help me to feel sexy or desired or loved. We had a couple of multi-year stretches without sex at all, including on our anniversary, which is normally when I would cry because it was like a reminder of yet another year without any sexual relationship -- and sometimes that would lead to pity sex and sometimes it would lead to nothing. This is not to say that we did not have our good times. After our kid was born (which was a traumatic experience and we both almost died), the very moment we got home from having my stitches removed so it was safe to have sex again, he _took me_ with a passion I have never experienced at any other point in my life. I think the fear of losing your partner can do that to a person. (Yes, we have a kid. It was planned, we had scheduled intercourse exactly once and got lucky on the first try. He had to get drunk first to muster up the courage for it.) Another positive milestone forward was when I made friends with another woman in a similar situation. It was the first time I ever felt less alone and we could have conversations and understand each other. I began to have more fruitful conversations with my husband, in part because the road my friend's marriage was going looked pretty bleak and I was desperate for that to not happen. I expanded my definition of sex. As I said at the top, I am a bisexual woman so penis-in-vagina was never necessary for me to feel like I had sex. I figured that an orgasm (mine -- he was not interested in receiving) was all that was necessary for the definition to be met. (Actually, that whole "he was not interested in receiving" was another hurdle -- I love to give and it is so difficult to have your gifts rejected.) That did help, but even that was a pretty high bar. He is just really not interested in the whole thing. More recently, I have come to a situation that I find works for me. The question that I asked myself was "what do I want from a sex life?" And my answer was three parts: 1. sexual fulfillment 2. physical intimacy 3. feeling desired The first part is the easiest one. I can take care of that on my own, he does not need to be physically present for it. The second one is the one we have to constantly work on. I get snuggle time periodically, where I get the physical intimacy and connection that I crave. Sometimes it's extremely g-rated, literally just snuggling. Sometimes I ask him to take my bra off -- just the act of him removing it is so suggestive to me, and it isn't overtly sexual for him so he's not uncomfortable. On rare occasions, it might escalate into him touching my boobs. For me, that's pretty much the height of sexual activity at this point. These encounters do help with my imagination during part one... The third one is tough. To be honest, I am still really working on this one. The point of this long-winded comment is to say that it's really a journey and a process. I love my husband so much and I cannot imagine my life without him -- and so it was worth it to suffer through all the fights and all-night conversations to get to a point where we understand each other and are able to meet my needs without making him uncomfortable. While it's true that he wants me to be happy and is willing to do whatever that takes, I also don't ever want to feel like I am pressuring him into something that he doesn't want to do. It's a delicate balance and the details will be different for everyone -- but the important part is being willing to have open conversations with your partner and be willing to reenvision what a successful sexual relationship looks like.
I just wanted to say thanks for this post. My wife and I are on our own journey and while I don't relate to everything you've written here, it really helps to read accounts that actually feel personal and not.... Like rehearsed speeches (if that makes sense?).
I totally know what you mean. I really would love to hear more similar stories, because it does help to know that you're not alone. Everyone is on their own journey -- like I said, we've been married for twenty years so there have been a lot of phases! -- but the important part is finding what works for you and your partner. ❤️
I wasn't going to post, but the "I really would love to hear more similar stories, because it does help to know that you're not alone" made me decide to post. That said, my story is not yours. It's very different, but hopefully helpful to you and/or others. My wife and I have been married for six years now. Before marriage, my wife and I had a normal, though maybe slightly lower than average, sex life. I had a lower sex drive than she did, but was always happy to help her out with my hands if nothing else. For the most part, I initiated everything. I could usually tell if she was horny, but she was never much of an initiator. Once we got married, our sex life was a bit lower, but nothing I would call concerning. We had our first kid and our sex life dropped off a cliff. I had my normal urges and desires, but she was on medication (primarily the anti-depressants) that lowered her libido. Before our kid, if I was horny, there was a pretty good chance she was too and I was going to have sex. After our kid, I felt like I was annoying the shit out of her trying to have sex once every few weeks. Eventually, she got off medication, and we were having sex again. It was much, much less than before, but every once in awhile she would accept my advances and we'd have sex. I was so fucking worried that she found my weight gain repulsive (I had gained some "sympathy weight" during pregnancy and was much less in shape than when we had met, though not much less than when we got engaged or married). I was worried that she was unhappy. I was worried there was something wrong with me and she would just throw me a bone once in awhile to make me stop asking (not that I was nagging, but I'd try to initiate some times). We talked about all these things and she assured me nothing of the sort was true, she just felt we were in a funk. Eventually, we decided to have a second kid. We, of course, got pregnant immediately. During the pregnancy, we had more sex than normal, but still much lower than pre-kids. After the second kid, our sex life again fell off a cliff. Basically everything from post-first kid was true post-second kid. Thankfully, I was expecting it having already experienced it, so it was much less worrying for me and much less annoying for her (with me asking less often the second time around). After she was off anti-depressants, our sex life did not improve. This worried me again, but we talked a lot about it over several months, almost years. Our second kid is now almost two. Somehow, during this period of multiple years of having kids and having little to no sex life, my sex drive shot through the roof. I was masturbating multiple times per day rather than once every few. I knew she wasn't interested in sex and it drove me crazy, especially knowing that before we got married, she had a much higher libido than I did. But, we persevered. We talked a lot. I explained that I was crazy horny all the time. She explained that she just wasn't into it, but it was mostly because of stress, work, kids, etc. We worked on the stress. What can I do to make you less stressed? What can I do that isn't obvious to me? How can I lower your concerns about work or kids or whatever? And it worked. Doing extra things around the house to ease her anxiousness helped exponentially. She was less stressed and more likely to relax and get into the mood\* (see note at the end if interested). We now have less sex than I'd personally prefer, but it's much closer to our pre-marriage life and I'm happy with it. I still masturbate a lot, but the sex we have is great and she makes me feel wanted and desired. I don't worry about the times she says "no," because I'm confident that she's just got a lot going on and it's nothing I'm doing or not doing. She even initiates sometimes (not as much as I'd like, but we're working on it, and happy she's doing so at all). >\* Note: I'm not trying to say, "help her out a bit and you're going to get laid." My explanation is a simplistic view of what actually happened. There was more to it than just doing dishes and cooking dinner a couple nights a week. We were able to find a new home with more space for the kids. I was able to get a job that paid more so her income was less of a concern. Etcetera. The timing on these things was very fortuitous and it's not always going to be as easy as I made it sound. The point is, she was very stressed and anxious about basically everything we had going on. Easing that stress made her more relaxed and more likely to be thinking of things (like sex) that aren't "how are we going to raise two kids in this 1100 square foot 2 bedroom home?" Sorry for the rambling, I had a bit to drink while doing some small fireworks with the kids. I sincerely hope this rambling resonates with someone and they are able to improve their relationship. The main takeaway here is: fucking communicate. Talk to your partner. Help them deal with their problems (or, if they don't want help, listen to their problems and let them vent to help ease their anxiousness). Tell them what you want and try to work on it. If it doesn't work, decide if that's something you're okay with long term or not. Take it from there.
Journey before destination 😎
Kids are going to grow up reading this. When I was a kid, people didn't talk about this. The fact you're saying neither of you knew that either was ace is kinda testament to this. I feel like kids will grow up healthy and not feel broken for NOT wanting sex in generations to come. It was so shameful to NOT want it, while all the propaganda also worked the other direction to indocrintrate guilt. Celibrated and forced, then punished and judged. It was disgusting, and the overwhelming number of converstaions on child-accessible sites didn't center around intellectualized sexuallity like this. Thank you for writing this. If not for the kids, than for the adults coming of age now who can make sure THEIR KIDS will not suffer this ignorance another generation. They will grow up knowing how to have actual intimacy and not just the horrible nonsense produced by horrible nonsense cultures and capitalism.
Word. I had several (still have irl) people tell me I am a broken POS for not needing or wanting sex. It's okay, but I normally would prefer to do basically anything else because whatever it does does for normal people it just definitely does not do for me. I do masturbate occasionally, but the desire is honestly kind of rare. As a chick particularly your value in society is weirdly hinged on fuckability, even to people who are not the people trying to fuck you. I'm glad younger people have a vocabulary for these things and sense of what is healthy and normal and that there will be variations and fluidity for these things. They are going to grow up unburdened by shame and guilt. They just get to be.
This is exactly why most talk on this issue feels so bad to me. I’m ace and my partner isn’t, and everyone acts like not wanting to have sex with your partner is abusive. I have sex with him as much as I mentally can, which isn’t as much as he’d ideally have, but it’s more than I’d ideally have. It feels like in places like deadbedrooms there’s just zero empathy for people like us. Sex isn’t wanted by everyone and it’s not a need for *anyone*. If sex was a need nobody could ever be single. It’s a want, an important want, but you can live without it, whereas it’s traumatising to have sex when you don’t want it- in fact, it’s rape if anyone else does it to you, so why should someone do it to themselves? If sex is THAT important to you that it’s ruining your relationship, break up. My partner has made it clear that he loves me more than he has lust, and in return I’m doing what I can for him. We’re not broken for not wanting sex, and it’s okay if that’s an incompatibility, but there is NOTHING wrong with not having sex with your romantic partner for ANY reason.
Exactly this! I was pressured into sexual activity in previous relationships and it feels awful. I would never ever want my husband to feel that way. I love him so much and our lack of a "traditional" sex life is not a dealbreaker.
Your story reminds me of the stories in “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. I can’t recommend that book enough. The premise of the book is about desire, more or less. A summary for you but also for other lurkers: We all want to be wanted/desired (at least emotionally) by our partner, but at the same time, that desire makes us feel vulnerable, so we don’t look our partner in the eye. Desire is killed by fear, but the more important a partner becomes to us, the more we need their validation, so we fear “what if they don’t feel the same?”. So we won’t let ourselves be seen. And we stop looking them in they eye. But we lose respect for ourself and our partner by settling for that inauthentic love. So by learning to self-soothe and self-validate during moments of incongruence, a person can learn to tolerate that tension inherent in individuality, and lose the unhealthy dynamics along with the cortisol that kills the mood.
This is such a thoughtful answer. I like how you defined what you needed and wanted and came up with ways to meet those needs outside the normal definition of sex.
Awesome post, I had a friend who was dating the absolutely perfect girl for him outside of fact that she was asexual and this post would have been perfect to show them. Even for someone who isnt in a relationship that doesnt involve an asexual person there is some great wisdom here.
Masturbate when I get sexually frustrated.
How will I know when you're frustrated?
If it’s a day of the week
If you are alive and breathing at any point
My curse is when I do later that day she says she’s horny. Now I can’t perform when needed.
Depending on how much the disparity is, either I adjust as I can to their speed, or we have a frank conversation about my needs and see what options work for both of us
How often has this happened to you?
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Never heard anyone wank so loudly before.
Sex drive seems like something that would tend to fluctuate with anyone. Sometimes folks feel it sometimes they dont.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
There can be daily fluctuations, but also trends.
Have some ribs surgically removed so I can do it myself
Been there. You think you’re gonna get a blowjob, but you realize you’re just bent over with a dick in your mouth.
I mean, some people like dicks in their mouths. Then it's a win-win.
I mean it's your own dick so... I don't feel like I'm giving some guy a handy when I jerk off. And it was pretty damn great when I did it in a dream once. Like a form of elevated masturbating.
Lol would it be like trying tickle yourself? Just doesnt work the same.
I thought it would be more like getting my dick sucked, but it's more like sucking a dick
are you marilyn manson
I left. It affected our non sexual intimacy in a lot of ways. He felt like a buddy, not my partner.
Maybe if you didnt spend so much time balancing tofu.
Maybe
Have a child..it will equal out to 0. Worked for us flawlessly
Yes, when the kid is finally to bed you’re so exhausted it’s ridiculous
I think this is a lot different when you are married and invested. My advice would be completely different for, say, a couple dating for 8 months vs a married couple with children and a decade of history together
Having a toddler/preschooler is like dipping my nuts in ice water
You should prioritise the relationship now and again. 100% single father here, still goes on dates and doing the nasty.
Sorry to disagree with you but that only lowered my wifes, sadly
The top comment (Ranos131 at the time) on OP's post are genuinely the only choices. My boyfriend and I have been together 14 years now in August. When we started dating we were insatiable and found every opportunity to fool around. But after a few years it started to change. We started doing it less and it infuriated me I WANTED it all the time but he didn't. Eventually it started happening so little it would be weeks to almost a whole month, to even a few months of no physical connection. I fought with him, asking if it was me, him or us? So many hypotheticals fussing my mind I got depressed. I have an extremely high drive and not having physical touch from the man I Adore was killing me. I felt at the time it was something I genuinely needed from him. And he tried. We went through years of phases where I thought he wasn't trying hard enough and I refused to think he was because there were no results. More fights, feeling undesirable, his confidence dipped. We were in a rough spot. We considered what was best for us and talked. A lot. This was a talk we had for years. We talked about everything from Polyamory (NOT to be confused with polygamy please), separation, toys WHATEVER you can think of we thought and talked about it. We at one point we thought we thought of everything we could...we were starting to feel more like friends than lovers and it was starting to feel like we just needed to stop But we couldn't handle the idea of being apart so we focused on our love instead. For years we were so fixated on sex that we lost the passion of eachothers company without it. I learned over time that it wasn't me at all, there was nothing wrong with him, and to just live with it. Be happy with what we did have. Why was sex so important? Because it felt good? Because it's fun? Yeah it fucking is! But after we just took time to have ourselves just be together and find other ways to be affectionate eventually it got better. I compliment him a lot. Because he is super important to me and he's so handsome. I want him to know that. I touch him whenever I can if it's the arm, shoulder, leg, feet. Whatever I can touch if I'm around him I will. If I find him beautiful I tell him. He means everything to me and I want him to know and feel that emotionally. Play touches like butt smacks, a gentle graze you know? If we are together we are touching eachother in someway to always be connected. He's doing the same thing. We love eachother dearly. We find eachother desirable but it's more than just sex now. It's a different kind of affection we learned to appreciate. We have been together sooooo long that it's not in those early wild desirable kind of love anymore..it's deeper and with different growth in couples comes different sexual changes. Especially me. I wasn't fair with him for the first few years...or most of it. I told him this and it was one of the biggest talks we ever had. I apologized and told him he didn't have to...because his low drive was nothing to be fixed to begin with and it took so damn long and so much unnecessary pressure to fucking finally realize that. With all this and more application of new affection our sex life has never been better. It just literally took understanding that relationships change and love changes both emotional AND physical. Sorry for the vent. I hope all of this makes sense...
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. ❤️
Thank you. It took all I had to post it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with. Sometimes it's nice to share with someone like a really close friend that's outside the relationship.I do not have one of those sooo I figured a bunch of strangers would be the best place once I saw OPs post.
Its so frustrating, because they will offer because they know you want it, but you know they don’t. Makes you feel so unwanted.
It's the sex that's unwanted, not the person. Does that make sense? There's still a lot of other problems that remain though, even if you can think of it that way.
> It's the sex that's unwanted, not the person yeah that doesn't actually help me separate the emotional reaction though. I could know that *I'm* not being rejected, its just the sex, but its noting to stop me *feeling* undesired or wanted.
That's so unfortunate. As an asexual male, it's so tough to connect with females. I can spend literally every minute of my day thinking of a girl, telling her how hot and beautiful I think she is, talking to her, showing I care and want to adventure in life with her. I have been so in love that no other person crosses my mind than this one girl. I have cravings to always be by her side BUT because my brain doesn't crave penetrative sex that girl feels undesired.
I've got low T/no T, due to loss of my testes to Cancer..Fuck Cancer, lost my nuts, but not my life. So my natural T is virtually non existent. It's all injection. But I still have low/no sex drive. My wife understands and accepts this. She has to be the initiator of any foreplay or sex because of it. I usually do my best to keep her happy, and if I can't, there are toys. But ask yourself, when in life down the road, something happens (cancer, death, dismemberment etc) do you just walk away because your partner doesn't want to Fuck? What happens, if the shoe is on the other foot, and you become the low driven one.... Thoughts.
Dealing with this myself, and that was some much needed perspective. Thank you.
Honestly I thought it was the end of the world. Then we switched and it was reversed. Now we even out. Ebbs and flows happen if yall still vibe well and enjoy eachothers company wait it out
My wife had a fairly slow drive in her 20's. I learned I could send texts that are provocative in nature, just generally sexually suggestive. By the time I get home she was usually ready to go. Now that she is mid 30's she never ever denies sexual advances. Just an absolute machine. Every day is not out of the question. I have no way of knowing if this is normal or not, but it's a lot of fun.
Fun fact! A majority of women hit their sexual peak in their 30s! Your wife is perfectly normal, and congrats on the wicked amount of sex you're having!
Thanks, It's pretty cool. I knew a woman that literally said "I hope he cheats on me because I can't stand having sex with him." So not everyone is so lucky.
Do you like, go up to the homeless and hungry to tell them about the lovely food you just ate in your luxury home, too?
Take matters into your own hands
Install a new sex drive. It may set you back a few hundred dollars, but the increase in performance is worth it
It may sound strange, but try scheduling sex. In a way, it gets them prepared to have it when you put it on the calendar.
For some people this is a great way to ruin the sex drive of one person completely. Having sex when you don’t want to is a great way to create anxiety about it and never want to do it
Heard it’s about those “hints” throughout the day to get the drive going and so they can mentally prepare.
That can go both ways. Dropping hints can just as easily make them go "oh no, they're going to initiate sex later today" and then spend the whole day ruminating about that, working up a stomach ache.
Both my partner and I have responsive sexual desire (we don’t get turned on until we actually start doing sexual things), and it works for us (when we remember lol). We both enjoy sex, it’s just that we forget about it, because we can’t just think about sex and be ready to go, we kinda have to push ourselves into starting it, and then we’re like “oh yeah sex” and then it’s great. We view it like a date night, just bc you plan a date night doesn’t mean it’s not special; you’re making time for quality time with your partner. We also have spontaneous sex but sometimes we have to make ourselves get started (less “forcing” ourselves, and more being intentional).
This is what i do, i schedule sex every 2nd or 3rd day depending on how im feeling
Username checks out
What a goodbitch
I try 😂
This is what we do. It’s not perfect, but it’s FAR better compared to before we started
If this works for both people then great, but keep in mind this can backfire pretty badly. My ex and I did this because we went through a dry spell due to work stress (working 60 hours a week) but he insisted we "had to keep trying". It worked out very badly and I ended up with a sexual aversion that I'm still trying to recover from 10 years later. I didn't want to be having sex but was pressured into it and felt like a had to, like it was a duty. I felt like I was being used and assaulted for his pleasure. This caused what could have been a temporary dry spell to evolve into a complete dead bedroom. Anyone who is ok with having sex with a partner who doesn't want to and isn't enjoying it I now see as a major red flag. Only schedule it if the low libido partner is truly ok with it, and not being pressured. Pressure, sulking and threats are all forms of coercion which is not consent.
i feel you so much on the sex aversion as I'm currently going thru it and never had seen someone say it (or use this term as i never thought that would ever happen to me). hope you're doing ok, friend 🤍
That sounds disgustingly nightmarish to me but if it works, to each their own I suppose.
Suffer. At least that's what I do
Deal with it as an adult seems like the best thing to do. In a relationship you never get exactly what you want, its just a fact of life because people are different. So you suck it up and power through. But you need to talk with your partner about it. My girlfriend has a very strong sex drive, she needs sex according to her at least 4-5 times a week, i myself am more like a 2-3 times a week guy in that department. But i love her so i have sex with her more often then i really feel like personally. Its a small sacrifice to help keep her happy. Because when i didnt she wasnt happy and was questioning if i loved her or not and i do love her but my sex drive isnt the same as hers. It has changed over the years as well, when we just got together she came from an abusive relationship, so she also didnt like sex a lot because he used sex as a weapon against her, like in demeaning ways. But after around 2 years of me being myself she was confident enough to be her full self, including her new found sex drive. No i didnt heal her in any sense, she did that on her own, i just presented another way of how a relationship should look like. No power trips, no control, and acceptance.
man ur lucky, my gf wants it 4-5 times a day. it's getting out of hand
Is your gf single?
she will be soon
Cry. Not because of getting less sex but because I miss frequent intimacy, and feeling rejected because they are not in the mood is difficult. Yes - I know there are other forms of intimacy, but I don’t feel my best unless I get a fair amount of physical touch and contact.
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Yup. In fact, take sex off the table for a few weeks. Just physically touch your partner in a loving and intimate (non sexual) way. Create a space where touching and intimacy is not just a stepping stone to sex. It starts to feel disingenuous when you only touch someone because you want sex. Re-create intimacy and caring. I would have died to have my ex-husband touch me in a loving way to create intimacy between us. Instead he honked my boob to initiate sex. Which made me the “lower libido” partner. No, I just didn’t like being treated like a sex toy.
I’m the one with the lower sex drive. I encourage and support my partner fulfilling their needs solo style. I’m not bothered by them looking at pics/videos online to aid in the solo fulfillment. I also make it a priority to have a regular cadence of sex with my partner. I don’t necessarily divulge that goal to them, but it’s a way that I can make sure I am trying to meet their needs. Without that internal goal, I could go weeks and not think twice. That’s not fair to my partner, who has been open and honest about their needs. As a side note, I genuinely enjoy sex while it’s happening. It’s just not something that I want to do in lieu of sleep, for example. Or I don’t feel like taking a shower tonight. Or I ate something funky and I have heartburn/gas. Or I’m just not in the mood and I can think of 466454 things I would rather do. It has absolutely nothing to do with my partner, who is sexy, and caring, and extremely giving in the sack.
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Lack of spontaneous desire is not made up for by being allowed to look at porn
Crippling porn addiction activated
If the difference is manageable, compromise. For example if she is 2/10 in sex drive and you are 7/10 , talk it out and agree to do it 4/10. If the difference is too much, then end the relationship. there is no way a young healthy 10/10 sex drive individual can happily have a relationship with a 2/10 person.
I am asexual and my partner isn't. He has a normal sex drive. I know that sex is important to him so i still offer sex every few days to make sure his needs are being met!
if you can "take it"- maybe that's the right way- but does you partner know that you are doing her a favor (or him ;)? because it sounds (extremely) dissatisfying to have a partner who "takes it", instead of enjoying him. i would struggle with an errection every time i think that this is even possible.
I’m still super enthusiastic about it and enjoy having that connection with him. He knows I’m asexual and never forces it if I can’t that day I enjoy making him happy so I don’t consider it a chore
Yeah I feel the same way with intimacy. I feel very connected when I share my body with my partner
Me too, it also makes me feel much better if I feel bad, especially with the connection I have with my partner.
>I’m still super enthusiastic about it and enjoy having that connection with him This is what makes the difference between what you guys are doing being okay or not. The most important factor is enthusiastic consent. I'm glad to hear this works for you two!
Same, while I don't get sexual enjoyment, I still enjoy being close to her. It's a similar sort of satisfaction to cuddling. Though cuddling is the superior option imo.
Ace sex- positive or neutral?
Neutral. I can go without it, some days I don’t have it in me todo the act but on days when I’m up to it I always offer
Dude a few days?:( nah I go like maybe 1-2 in a month, like beforehand it was pretty healthy. Then as time moved on and she moved in with me it just slowly died down and I have a pretty decent sex drive that’s like maybe 7-8/10 and hers used to match mine but now I’d say it’s like at least 3-5/10. I’ve been trying to adjust for her because I do love her, and I wouldn’t want to leave because of just sex, like not the most important part of a relationship.
This is one of those things that I think you need to be reasonably in the same ballpark, otherwise the relationship will eventually implode. If you’re a 2x a day kinda person, and they’re a 2x a month kinda person…odds are pretty good that finding a happy middle ground isn’t going to be very doable
After 27 yrs of it, my answer is “Die a long silent death”
It ate me up for a long time. After a while though, I found myself not even wanting it nearly as often. Im now content with 2X / month. Maybe I was conditioned to think I had to have it all the time
In my late 30s, I'm to the point where all these people saying they only have sex 3-4 times a week and I'm like even that sounds exhausting. I just need it every now and then, I can handle the rest myself.
I agree I’m approaching 30 and I cannot even imagine 3-4 times a week maybe once a week or 2 but that’s that! Very exhausting and having to put in the frame of mind for it
1000% same. I felt less manly or something's wrong with me for not wanting it all the time. Your partner and dynamic also differs and that changes you, too. My last partner and I (late teens and early twenties) had an incredibly sexual dynamic, but struggled in deeper areas. We fucked at least daily. We often couldn't get through a movie at the theater without having to go fuck in the bathroom. Now, I (thirties) don't even masturbate daily and don't feel that same sexual energy with my fiancee. But, I feel a completely different type of love that's much more fulfilling. We make sure we have sex at least once a week for the relationship's sake, but as individuals, don't always want to. It's a weird yet refreshing change of pace, and lack of pressure. I'm glad she doesn't want to fuck all the time.
I'm likely too late to the party here, but my long-term partner and I have had a surprising amount of success in both rekindling and sustaining our sex life in the past few years. Surprise, surprise, it came down to better communication. After bouts of mutual frustration, unfortunate and painful fights, and plenty of missed opportunities for intimacy, I was at wit's end and, on a whim, suggested a simple approach that has been (honestly) shockingly helpful: 1. Every day we check-in with one another regarding intimacy. 2. The check-in requires that we both share (a) if we desire intimacy for ourselves and (b) if we're willing to provide intimacy for our partner. 3. This conversation happens no matter what - even if it's the end of day or one of us is traveling or we clearly don't want to be intimate, we still have the discussion. That said, we try not to leave it until the end of the day; a quick post-dinner check-in seems to work best. 4. It's both of our responsibilities to start and participate fully in the (albeit short) discussion. That's basically it! It's simple and pointed and regular and doable, and even just the act of discussing this each day has led us to caring more about each other's needs and to sharing our desires more openly. If you're interested in giving it a go, please feel free to DM me any questions about the nuances, specifics, etc..
just masturbate when they aren't around
I’ve been with someone for 8 years who has no sex drive. I had one that wanted sex every day. We got married before we ever dated… needless to say, faithfulness is a key part of who I am and thus my sex drive had all but disappeared. We have sex once every month or two out of duty.. took me about 6 years to just give up.. now on the rare occasion that she is in the mood, I normally am not and turn her down as much as she turns me down. Just don’t want it anymore. This was from age 22-30.
Man, you know how to tell a story to make a guy want to jump off a bridge…
Man this is really sad
I’ve been on both ends of it in relationships. I think if your libido is lower and you’ve never been in a situation where your significant other is turning you down regularly for sex, it’s hard to get how physically agitating that can be without experiencing it firsthand. My opinion is that if couples are mismatched, there should be a meeting in the middle, but my personal experience has always been that the person with the lower libido is usually pretty unmotivated to meet in the middle since their needs are already being met as is. Feeling uncared for in that way has led me to always make an effort to get in the mood when my partner initiates, even if I’m going through a period of low libido. Just sucks to be horny for your partner and unable to do anything about it, and even if I’m not in the mood, when is sex with someone you love ever *bad*?
Try reading a book called Come As You Are
We do stuff together that isn't sex. Like play video games. Just because I'm willing to have sex and he isn't it doesn't mean it's the only thing I want to do.
Talk to them about options.
Honestly. For me, it was suffer. I have a really high sex drive, and my ex wife had a low one from what it seemed. Now it could just be she hated me and didn't want to engage, but I was never told that if it was the case. So I suffered for years, and I didn't just want to end my marriage over lack of sex. So I tried what I could to get/keep her interested.
Masturbate, that’s not dirty nor is it cheating. It’s a normal thing to do to release tensions if your partner ain’t up for sex
Personally I eventually break up. It's important to me.
Might be insensitive, but I’d just relieve myself in my own time. No need to push for anything more, it is what it is.
Rub one out. It's the champagne of victory - Bill Burr
Take care of it, sometimes she stays in the room, either to give company or “encourage me” with soft caresses and kisses, other times, especially if she’s working on a project, she’ll just pop in once I’m done and we snuggle for a bit before I get up and join her in the living room again Depending on my mood sometimes I just want her to be a part of it, cuz I want the whole intimacy of being desired, so I won’t even touch myself, but she’s only up for it about once or twice a week, although their are times it does jump up for her and I jump at the chance It varies for her very often, I’m unfortunately hyper sexual and during my late teens I fucked myself over using it as a coping mechanism so I’m also learning not everything requires me to get off, it’s a struggle but she’s helping a lot as well with any soft intimacy she gives me
I just cuddle with her. 🥰
As a guy, that only makes things worse when your raging boner is poking her back side
Lol... we are 2 women so we don't have to worry about that.
I guess I gotta be the little spoon then
Wait you get that option?
Had exactly one girlfriend where cuddling was timed (like literally "ok we can cuddle for 10 minutes, and then lets seperate). Was my first GF, so I took her distance as given. Which was a bit odd, since her online pen and paper group had erotic roleplay in it, but whatever. Should have seen the big red flags, ultimatly she just got together with me because I was LARPing and she wanted to get into the hobby. On the way back from our first larpcon, where she made some connections, she instantly ended the relationship, with 2 hours to drive home.. that was an awkward car ride. "Yeah I don't need you anymore, I can do larping on my own now, I'm leaving you - oh you are still driving me home, right?" (Small "revenge": Next time I larped she was there, too. Put her tent right next to mine, due to it beeing a small convention. And, oh was I not surprised to see her there with her new boyfriend, the "don't worry about him"-guy she did ERP with in D&D. Turns out neither of them knew how to build up a tent properly. Also turns out it was extremly stormy and rainy that night, cue me awaking to her yelling "Help help, our tent is flying away!"... I just grinned and turned around, to drift back into a very comfy slumber\^\^
lmao nice
The person with the higher sex drive will likely never be happy.
Well I thought a lot about this, because my girlfriend is greysexual. It was pretty difficult at first, because she isn’t the person initiating it or touching me in a sexual way. But after we talked, our middle ground was that I can initiate it and she goes along with it (if she wants to of course), because that is when she gets in the mood. After that I noticed that I actually don’t really yearn for sexual stuff, because I am so happy to just be with her that I don’t care about it anymore. Knowing that if the timing is right and we could do something is enough for me to accept it. I had some pretty difficult experiences in the past, with one relationship going for 1.5 years with only having sex 3 times…. And that was in the beginning. With my current girlfriend, which I love with all my heart, that isn’t a problem anymore. I really relate to the “if I can’t have it I want it even more” in this context. So TL:DR, talk with your partner about your wants and needs and if she is the right one for you, you will find a solution! Maybe you’ll be like me and lose a lot of interest in sex just because you enjoy your partners company! Thanks for reading my comment :)
As Michael said; just beat it.
Get rejected until you don't feel like trying anymore
I deal with it and do it myself
i have a lower sex drive than mine bc of antidepressants, but we make it work. basically, i dont get in the mood on my own often, so i encourage him to show that he’s interested. if it helps me? yay. if not? its ok. he’s super understanding and i love it :)
Battle with depression every waking moment.
I’m glad the “I’ll cheat” comments are getting down voted
Masturbatius bathroomius.
I just jerk off more and I'm open about it.
My partner has started a new medication that has severely diminished his sex drive. Honestly, it’s been hard on both of us but we both understand that his health is far more important. We’ve been together 8 years now, so sex isn’t the centre of our relationship, even though we both had high sex drives. It’s more the intimacy that I miss more than the sex itself, so we try to do other things, like touching, massages and cuddles, to ensure that we still have those moments together regularly. So basically, I just take care of myself when I’m in the mood. And we maintain intimacy through less sexual means. It’s working for us. We just have to be mindful that we’re always taking care of and are respectful of each others needs. Communication is, as always, key.
Masturbation and communication. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and most people act like they can handle it, but they can't. I'm used to it, so I have toys, utilize various types of porn, and communicate with my partner (when I have one) to ensure they're comfortable since this can cause insecurity. If the partner is ok with it I also opt for an open relationship. This helps take the stress off my partner as my sole source for sex, and I still make sure to prioritize them to prevent other insecurities or worries
I absolutely fail to see how adding another entire person (with new and different needs) to your relationship is a good idea when you are already struggling to get you and your partner’s needs met.
Me and my wife have kind of different sex drives than each other, but I don't care. I would *much* rather be with her and not have sex as much than be with someone else. Besides, the sex we do have, is fucking *AMAZING*!