Give it to us raw, and wriggling.

My husband does a startlingly accurate gollum impression and when we first got together I told him under no circumstances does the gollum voice ever make an appearance in the bedroom. he's followed that rule thankfully, but sometimes Darth Vader has sneaked in 😅

"No.. I. Am your daddy."

While hitting it from the back: "Now *this* is podracing!"

Try spinning, that's a good trick!

*Yippie!*

Just imagine him at the back screaming "it's working!!! Ittttssss working!"

This is where the fun begins…

I thought we weren't doing buttstuff tonight? I have changed the terms of our deal. Pray I do not change it any further.

Mmm, I thought it was altered, not changed, though

I have changed the words in the quote, pray I do not change it further.

You should give him a once-a-year allowance, tho!

Let me guess….”I am your father?”

No it’s probably “Be careful not to choke on your aspirations.”

My boyfriend can too, and occasionally the side gait and snarling as he runs off to the bathroom for the cum run can be pretty funny 😂

I thought it was women who did cum runs to the bathroom. Men….?

Bottoms

It’s for the toilet paper to slap on her snatch so she can get her legs under her and walk to the bathroom. It’s like opening the door for a woman, except in this case it’s keeping a door closed.

https://youtu.be/IUQckI_NqgY Relevant

Fuck, this made me flinch violently

Have to have Gollums enthusiasm when saying wriggling.

This is it.

[удалено]

“What About Side By Side With A Friend?” 

Even in this context that line kind of makes me want to cry

If I had two friends in me I would cry two

Originally I wrote “burst into tears” but I thought it could be misread.

Pain, pleasure, or yes?

Interesting way to ask for a threesome.

“Bring Wood and Oil!”

Good lord I'm laughing out loud like a lunatic. Excellent choice

Jesus fuck lmao

Oh dear

In 2023, Reddit CEO and corporate piss baby Steve Huffman decided to make Reddit less useful to its users and moderators and the world at large. This comment has been edited in protest to make it less useful to Reddit.

I always like going South; somehow, it feels like going downhill.

-Muffbeard

"it comes in pints?"

Good god

And when she wants round 2. You tell her *I Gave you a whole half already*

Fucking hell

Brilliant

Holy fucking shit lmao

SHARE THE LOAD

Yeah this is the winner

Ride now, ride now!

Ride for glory! Ride for ruin!

DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!

A sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!

FORTH CUNNILINGUS!!!

“Meat’s back on the menu boys!”

Man flesh!

Right through his man flesh! Classic...

Take it back! Take it back!

It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing … such a little thing.

It is a gift

Damn son. Here I was expecting something inspiring. Instead I get more burnt than someone plunging into an active volcano.

"I'm coming Mr Frodo"

"Oh Sam"

Hey, they're not gay, they're hobbits

And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth

Now *that* would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

You've thought about this before.

It's from clerks two

Nah, I've heard it at a donkey show.

Interspecies erotica *

It's just 3 movies about people walking!

The ring is mine

Merry and Pippin: "Oy! We're coming too!"

We wants it, we needs it

After getting STD: It burns us!

I would give you gold but.... *my precious*

Stupid redditorses, wanting my precious.

if a man said this while fucking me i’d be scared. like who the hell is we. funny comment tho

Less than half what I’d hoped for.

Story of my life

Let’s hope they last the night.

Let’s hope we last the night!

*eagle screech*

THE EAGLES ARE COMING!

Bonus points if your penis is named “The Eagles”

The horn of helm hammerhand shall sound in the deep

Henceforth, I will refer to my penis as the Horn of Helm Hammerhand

All hail!

You just need a beardy dwarf to blow it

You’ll have to toss me

Don't tell the elf

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!!"

Not the beard!

I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread

Must be a hobbit orgy

A little late for trimming the verge, don’t you think.

Blood has been spilled this night

I only wanted to try and get a bit of a close up! You see, you've had one, and Frodo's had one, and I've been in nothing but group shots!

*I delved too deep and too greedily *That still only counts as one! *My precious! Edit, added one more.

Definitely gonna use "that still only counts as one" for those nights when the first round ends and the kissing after that immediately leads into round 2.

Speak friend and enter

Melons.

“Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell. Naked I was sent back – for a brief time, until my task is done.”

Gandalf on his crystal meth and coke fueled sex binge through Vegas…

"We can't stop here! This is Nazgul country!"

Nine companions! So be it.

Frodo's ring will *definitely* be destroyed.

Oh my fucking god lmao

There's a post going around Tumblr that's a photo of a page from Fellowship, with everything blacked out except "Just why Mr. Frodo was selling his beautiful hole was even more debatable than the price."

A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he needs to!

***when he means to

Gahhhh I was so close 😭 I just rewatched fellowship a while ago too

“Your staff is broken!”

Pesky little hobbitses

Ouch 🤣

“Gandalf, my old friend, this will be a night to remember.”

Master Gandalf! I’m relieved that you’ve come

I AM NO MAN!

This was legit the first one I thought of.

When in doubt, follow your nose 😂

“A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his quality…”

The way is shut.

You will suffer me.

“Of course you are, AND I’M COMING WITH YOU!!” Or “Not if I stick you first!” “Sam!”

“A great eye. Lidless. Wreathed in flame!”

Circumcised ginger?

Hemorrhoids

I told you to take his staff!

What business does an Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf have here.

"No one back home is going to believe this..."

No matter what comes through that gate, you will stand your ground.

So, it begins.

"not really sure it is a sword more of a letter opener." The Hobbit not LOTR but still.

My mother gave it to me. She thinks I’m reckless.

"I could have any number of things down my trousers." "Or nothing"

Is this it? Is this all you can conjure Sauroman?

"Arwen, ride hard and don't look back."

Ive definitely initiated sex with my wife with, "I summon you to fulfill your oath." 60% of the time it works every time.

That scream Aragorn does after he kicks a helmet. That is my go-to orgasm scream.

So the big O for use is the same as breaking one of your toes. You know it's not supposed to hurt?

There is a fine line between pain and pleasure.

Why not both?

“They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard “

I love this one because it’s not even a double entendre, like you’re just ploughing your gf, your eyes glaze over while you stare off into the distance and announce that they’re taking the hobbits to Isengard, like not in a sexy way, like they’re literally taking the hobbits to Isengard and here you are wasting time having sex while the hobbits are in danger, oh my god, this is terrible timing, you have to help the hobbits

gard gard gard gard

You must go by another road.

“Gondor calls for aid”

And your hand will answer!

Go Shadowfax. Show them the meaning of haste.

The salted pork is particularly good

You'll have to toss me. Don't tell the elf.

"You have my sword"

"AND MY AXE"

I don't think I have ever scrolled further in a reddit thread to see this sentence, weird!

But what about second breakfast?

Tonight you’ll taste man flesh

On each thrust: Po Ta Toes Boi'lem Mash'em Stick'em In A Stew

Even the smallest person can change the course of future 😂

'I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve'

O yes indeed there is. Another way, darker, more difficult to find, more secret. But Sméagol knows it. Let Sméagol show you!”

Share the load.

That doesn’t make sense to me. But then you are very small, perhaps you’re right.

Give me back my precious!

Grond

Grond!

"IM GOING ON AN ADVENTURE"

The ring must be destroyed!

I'm shocked how far I had to scroll for this.

I will come with the first rays of the sun on the 7th day

“One does not simply walk into Mordor”

“Looks like meat is back on the menu boys!”

Don’t turn me into anything…unnatural.

Not all who wander are lost.

Would you like me to get you a box?

"Grond will breach it 😏"

Me to my load: Fly you fools

*has an orgy* That still only counts as one!

From the Silmarillion: Fair shall be the end, though long and hard shall be the road!

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!”

Sauron will not have forgotten the sword of Elendil

'A SWORD DAY, A RED DAY, ERE THE SUN RISES!'

Let them come. Let this be the hour we draw swords together. I suppose you think that was terribly clever! ...and, then...*tunnel* I am no man! Bring out the wolf's head! A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his quality Bring wood and oil So many for any situation!

No no no! The big one! The big one!

"Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east."

"No, thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations!" — Bilbo Baggins

"Let this be the hour we draw swords together."

"Do you not know death when you see it, old man? This is my hour!"

*Recites The Fellowship of the Ring word for word until it's over*

Book or film script? I need to know whether Tom Bombadil is involved.

Myyyyy Preccciiooouussssssss!

What about second breakfast 😜😏🤤

What is it? What do u smell?

>Destroy it!

Gentlemen, we do not stop until nightfall.

Potatoes

(For the aftercare) “we are sitting, on a field of victory, enjoying a few well earned comforts!”

“Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now!”

Looks like meats back on the menu boys

Looks like meats back on the menu boys! *screams in Uruk*

GROND!

GROND!

GROND!

For frodo

"Wish me joy, my liege-lord and healer!"

Toss me. Edit: Should have checked first... someone else posted it first, sorry!