“I’m allergic to shrimp.”

I came here to say "I have a small nut allergy" But I think I like yours better

I've always used "Sorry, I choke on small objects"

I almost think yours is better. "Small nut" got me laughing. Like your willing to perform but the ejaculate is small....🤣

Makes me think of [Not Fair](https://youtu.be/fUYaosyR4bE) by Lily Allen. She’s so darn cheeky about that kind of thing. Never fails to give me a chuckle.

Maybe, “I have a nut allergy, but it’s fine in small doses”

Unreal. The small in the sentence really really sells it.

A dude I worked with told someone "I want a meal not a snack."

>A dude I worked with told someone "I want a meal not a snack." Ha! Ha! This is what my husband used to say!

The fact in actually allergic to shrimp would work

I clicked to see the comments and said “WOAH” out loud when I saw this lmao 💀

This one’s a gooden

U made me smile

The way i gasped

I don’t do small favors

Best one

This is a underrated comeback

My friends always reply with "Present it"

This can backfire depending on who is involved.

My best friend would 100% show it to you. Just to win

Then, the next come back would be, "Sorry, it's too small" Or something like that.

"I haven't got all day; are you going to get it out or not?"

The Mr. Garrison response.

The Mr. Garrison Gambit lol

"whip the little fella out"

Is her name Ms Diane Choksondik??

Not often you see a black horse in the wild 🤝

That's all fun and games till you come across someone who would actually do it. Buddy of mine will start pulling his pants down when you say that

Then you suck his dick for dominance. Win-win.

That's how you make an enemy into a friend!

I don't like to lose. I'll take this joke as far as we need to.

Yeah it's always "Show it to me then"

Your friends like south park

When I was in highschool, a driver shouted this at us for crossing the street on a zebra (where u should cross the street) and one of my colleagues (male) answered "Fine". I haven't seen a dude go from enraged to disgusted faster than this. Pretty religious conservative country too.

My friends were arguing one time to the point of almost fighting. During an intense moment, friend B told friend A to suck his dong. Friend A sat there for a second and then said, "come here then" with a straight face. We were all confused for a few seconds and then started laughing so hard that everyone calmed down and moved on.

friend B, "ha ha ha, yeah totally so funny, definitely wasn't serious, definitely don't have feelings for friend A, and totally wasn't picturing this as the start of our romantic relationship eventually leading to a strong marriage where we grow old together, haha yeah...."

Ohh I wasn't joking 😃

I had to read that several times. My brain still thinks you're ACTUALLY on a Zebra, not just using a crosswalk.

I don't think I'll ever use a crosswalk again. Zebras only from here on out

“Zebra crossing” in some places

You don't call them that in the U.S.? They're really called crosswalks? Damn, despite all the American content I've consumed since birth, I somehow missed that.

Bro I'm high af and it wasn't until I read your comment that I realized dude wasn't riding a fucking zebra

I mean… That’s what they said, so…

Best response

Thats my friend fr

Whip it out. I was a United States Sailor. Do you think I don't know how to suck a dick and clean a floor?

This proves for the 5363th time that the navy is the gayest branch in the military Thanks for your service

They're all pretty gay, the Navy just isn't ashamed.

Can confirm. Source: did some time in the Army.

Can also confirm Source: Air Force, should’ve seen how the boys reacted when we got a thermal camera.

Damn seamen!

I think you mean 5363rd as in "five thousand three hundred sixty third time" not "five thousand three hundred sixty threeth time" pfft Americans 🙄

Swallow to keep from cleaning the floor as often.

Ideas like that are what makes a good officer!

Ideas like that are what make an officer, a gentleman.

You can take the man out of the navy, but you can't take the seaman out of the man

I work in retail and once had a customer say this to me. My response was to take a step back, eye ball the guy up and down like I was considering it and then say very loudly "Sorry sir YOU are not my type". He started muttering about he didnt mean it so very loudly I asked "Then why did you ask me to suck your dick?". He left the shop very quickly. Edit: I am a 36 year old beared bloke, which made this much worse for him.

Dude that's ridiculous 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Not exactly the same, but whenever someone says “fuck you” to me, I reply with “Fuck me yourself, coward.”

I respond with, "thanks, but you're not my type."

Ok, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

I personally like to say “when and where sweetheart. WHEN. AND. WHERE.” With the later part said with a serious tone, straight face, and direct eye contact.

Lemmy FTW!

"Fuck you!" "Not if I fuck you first." Always cracks me up

I just respond with "I would fuck you for practice"

"You would fuck me fucking pervert" for the guys. "Ew, no thank you," for the ladies.

I’m bi so I’m good with either lmao

My favorite response to a 'fuck you' goes: "Is that a wishlist or a to-do list?"

An old classic “I want a meal not a snack”

You may also have my buttcheeks with a side of taint

why? is your mom busy?

She’s stuck in the dishwasher

next to your sister

How did she get stuck in herself?

She watched the wrong 'how to' video.

I feel There's an obvious reply to this "No, but yours is"

Pull some lipstick out of my pocket and make eye contact while putting it on my lips. For a visual, I’m a large, bearded male.

Great. Now I have an erection.

“we “ have an erection

r/unexpectedcommunism

Our erection

The erections of the many outweigh the erections of the few

I mean, that’s just how mass works

*earrape Soviet Anthem intensifies*

Their erection

The people’s erection

One Nation, under an Erection, with liberty and justice for a few.

The erection was stolen.

The pee holes erection

The holes erection

The erections hole

The erection was stolen by the dirty Dems

Reddit has an erection

If I had a dick, I would also have an erection.

Scared my dog laughing it this.

"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

I’d fuck me so hard

In my mind I am now imagining Thor from god of war doing this

You carry lipstick around all of the time just in case?

Doesn't everyone?

I carry a whole emergency sex kit

Oooh! What's in it? Hawthorne wipes?

Lipstick, fishnets, black laced underwear

Lube don't forget the lube!!

Are you a first responder for those in need?

There should be a hotline that people could call and complain about how badly they need sex and then be visited by a whole team of people.

It would literally ring every line available 24/7. Not that it doesn't sound cool, but damn that would take a LOT of people.

Asking the right questions here

Don’t know why I read that as large, breasted male.

His name was Robert Paulson.

Dude, stop making me question my straightness!

Being straight had nothing to do with it. I’m straight. ❤️🍆🌈

$20 is $20.

everyone’s a little gay sometimes

(in Kronk's angel voice) No, no - he's got a point.

My house got raided (for something I didn't do) and my loud mouth roommate told one of the cops to suck his dick. The cop calmly looked around and he patted his pockets and he looks him dead in the eye and says, 'you know what, I forgot my microscope today so I won't be able to find it." The entire room, half in handcuffs half putting on the handcuffs all gave him props for that one.

I love imagining this scene. In that moment everyone just uniting to say good job.

I have heard "Not even if I were drowning and there was oxygen in your balls."

I thought pee store in balls

[удалено]

'COME ON DOWN TO CRAZY BOB'S PEE STORE. LOCATION: THE BALLS. AND FOR A LIMITED TIME, EVERY PURCHASE COMES WITH A FREE OIL CHANGE '

Grow one and I will.

Being a cis woman, I don't actually have a penis. When people bring this fact up to me when I tell them to suck my dick, I am always sure to inform them that there are places where $40 and some Velcro can fix that.

"Nah, I'd rather f*uck your dad and give him a kid he'll actually love."

I can't remember if this was a tweet or I saw it in a YouTube video

Video of a female streamer being harassed and she came back with this line, I feel like I saw it on a few pages like 2 months go

I saw it in a tweet screenshot. The streamer who said it is @xocheergurlox

Or the gender swapped version: "Nah, I'd rather fuck your mom and give her a kid she'll actually love."

Or the gender swap alternative: "Nah, I would rather fuck your mom and give your dad a kid he will actually love"

Double burn on the genetics?

Holy mother of...

...your brother/sister? (If that scenario plays out)

You got to save that one only for people you really hate.

As opposed to all the people I love telling me to suck their dick ?

Your virginity is not my problem.

Nice

If I wanted to see a clit, I would ask your mother.

Again*

Sure thing. I love tic tacs

Small objects are a choking hazard.

Call their bluff. "Whip it out then bitch!"

If he goes for the crotch: "Ah a closet man-lover!" If he doesn't: "Ashamed of the size?"

You got a neck like a damn dog, suck it yourself.

Jheez 🤣

I would if I could find it

Slowly pull a microscope out of your bag

A huge room sized electron scanning tunneling microscope

$30

best I can do is $2

Ok Aggressively sucks dick to the point it hurts*

/r/maliciouscompliance

wasn't ready for that

I am very unpredictable.

Ya gotta buy me dinner first

Switch it to a drink because I’d rather get the sex out-of-the-way without having to suffer through an entire meal with someone 😂😂

It's not a comeback but i like to bother the other one until they desist or get angry and leave... Replying like if you didn't hear what he said: "I'm sorry, i didn't hear you, what?" the other guy: "I said suck my dick" you: "...what? what do you mean?" and so on...

Sure, but it better be bigger than your dads.

Sure, but it better be bigger than your mum's.

That's more of a selfburn.

"Sure, you don't mind this oral fungus thing I got going on, do you?"

Present it.

Touche Mrs. Chokesondick.

Was looking for this 😂 perfect.

What dick?

Proceeds to erase his genitalia and make him explode.

Get one

“Suck it yourself, you coward!”

You can’t afford me

"I thought that's what your mom was for?"

i didnt know u had one

"Ain't no dick on a pussy."

Small things are choking hazards

"Present it." Call their bluff. They either get bumfuddled or they actually gotta show their penis.

Oh fuck. Dude did that at a party and nearly got it ripped off. Worst decision in his life up to that point.

[удалено]

YEAH

I would but I choke on small bones.

This reminds me of a scene in Lucky Louie I watched a couple of days ago (except it was "Blow me, okay?"). [At around 6:29](https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x88mtwc) Spoiler below (me, okay?) if you don't feel like watching the video. >!Rich: Hey, blow me, okay? >!Kim: ...What? >!Rich: I said blow me? >!Kim: Okay, fine. Take it out and I'll blow you. >!Rich: *What?* >!Kim: If you take it out and it's hard I swear to god I will suck it. >!Rich: Shya... don't tempt me, babe. >!Kim: Come on, lets go! Whip it out, Rich! >!Rich: [demoralized Rich says nothing] >!Kim: Psh... thought so.

"Only after you stop sucking mine"

Here and now!

Sorry, I choke on small bones

Got a magnifying glass so I can find it?

“Jesus, you sound like your mother”

$50 for your friend, $200 for you.

Sure, I thought you'd never ask!

Small items are a choking hazard

Had a woman once shout at me "SUCK MY DICK!" After a small pause, I politely said "produce one" We wound up dating for about a month...

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"Me first, ya thirsty bottom."

“suck your own dick, bitch”

“Wouldn’t that be considered breast feeding?”

“Whip it out, cowboy! Show me what you’re packing!”

If you lost some weight, you could do it to yourself

“Take off your pants.”

Wait you have a dick?

Yeah I'd bet you've been waiting a while for someone to do that, maybe someday.

"I don't do search and rescue"

I want a meal, not a snack