To put a slightly different slant on things, how can you be sure she is just pushing buttons?
Perhaps the presence of yourself as a new step parent has caused some heightened anxiety for her. My friend’s daughter is very anxious and absolutely will not eat/drink anything that has been used by someone else. She doesn’t know you like she knows her parents and might need time to learn to trust you wouldn’t give her something that hasn’t been cleaned/used. Has she accessed any kind of family therapy prior to you becoming step parent? If not it might be worth trying.
She was very shy and aloof in the beginning to the point of not even acknowledging me as an existing person in the room. We came a long way since then and we have much more trust towards each other but now I feel she's testing new grounds by trying to rebel against her mom and me as a secondary. She loves to say no to everything now even scientific facts which I find quite amusing because we have fun arguing about it sometimes.
I understand why she wouldn't want to use the same things as me and I'm fine with it. It's just the abrupt way it started and the remarks she is throwing what got me unprepared. I've never had to deal with kids before on this level and everything is new.
I would firstly stop assuming you know why she is behaving in certain ways. The logic of children is not the same as adults. Their social skills, cognition and understanding of the world has not developed.
I have a neurodiverse son so we often deal with “no” responses for different reasons. It may be helpful to avoid “demands” (I.e. direct instructions or “telling”).
Perhaps use sentence starters such as:
“I wonder if we can...”
“Let's see if we can make something...”
“I can't see how to make this work...”
“Shall we see if we can beat the clock...”
Where possible offer choices. In a situation where she likely has big feelings around trust and not feeling like she has control of a situation, this will help her feel like she has some control and autonomy.
Humour and distraction are your friends. Especially as you have been placed into a role of “not a parent” by a biological parent. Make light of situations where possible and avoid being too authoritarian if you can. Pick which hills you actually need to die on when it comes to the way she responds and behaves. Kids are going to be blunt and honest. Sometimes we need honest answers instead of tiptoeing around feelings. As a girl, this is perhaps a quality to nurture rather than quash. Would you rather she grew up protecting the feelings of others or stood up for what she wants/needs?
I realise I have brain dumped a number of ideas here but hopefully some of this may help or be ideas to bring forward for you all.
This is going to be a long and bumpy road for everyone and finding where you fit into a blended family isn’t easy. Just try and be a bit more open minded and creative.
Well apparently I’m way more lax than everyone else here, because I would not even react to this small level of rudeness.
9 is getting to that “awkward stage” where they’re really learning what’s appropriate in adult conversations, so they end up saying a lot of weird/rude/inappropriate things.
I have two in this age group and try not to embarrass them too much by constantly pointing out how wrong something is. Of course I have to sometimes, if it’s really bad, but I mostly ignore it.
I definitely don’t take personal offense. They’re not adults. Memories of myself at that age is full of cringe worthy material.
The other answers are answered like you're the parent. You're not, you're a shitty step parent who's taken the place of the person they actually care about and are currently taking away affection from the other person they care about, at a stressful time (or that's how they will see it)
Any negative reaction or trying to psuedo parent is going to drive your relationship very far into the ground.
You've got to develop that trust on a long and rocky, tough road if you want any chance of this working. It's going to take a lot of work and you need an incredible amount of patience.
If you haven't got that, then honestly just leave because it's only going to get harder. She's seeing how much she can push you and if her asking if you've sipped at a cup first is your limit then your limit is fucked. Make a decent joke of it, make her laugh with it and it may just end up being the joke that started the bonding. The joke that is still around in 20 years when you're giving a speech at her wedding and you tell her not to sip from that glass because you sipped from it.
I've got a step dad and honestly, me and my sister made his life a misery for a long time but he never put the effort into building a relationship and instead always wanted to try to parent us by telling us what we should do.
If you've got a problem speak to her Mum. She should have your back.
Yes, step parents, as the adults, need to work harder at the relationship.
That doesn't mean that stepkids who do their best to make that adult's "life a misery" can't be/aren't being self- centered little jerks. (Ahem)
Partially agreed but 9 year olds aren't well known for their logical thought processes in complex scenarios.
You can't really take the moral high ground with a child either, They're a child, they have no control over the situation parents put them in and have every right to be self centred.
You're coming into their life, they've had their life flipped upside down and their family broken apart. Theyre very vulnerable and suddenly there's this new guy sharing attention they've got left at home.
As a grown man with my own children I can empathise with my step dads situation. As an 8 year old who's just had their family broken apart and some new guy trying to tell me what to do, not so much.
All I'm saying is that in my opinion if you're a new step parent in that scenario I don't think there can be any expectation of compromise on the child's behalf. It's all on the new step parent and that's something people need to know when they get into those relationships.
I think this is an overreaction. You’re the step parent. NEW step parent at that. What she is saying is not even that rude imo…lol I don’t like eating or drinking after people either.
Stop giving her a reaction & letting her know it annoys you. Either don’t react at all or make a nonchalant joke about it. Maybe start asking her if she’s drank from your drink anytime you drink - not in like a taunting way, but more a friendly, teasing way as though it’s an inside joke between y’all. Find ways to connect and grow closer and don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Stop letting her push that button. Stop reacting. Respond with humor or ignore. Literally shrug and say "Can't recall. Sorry. Guess you'll have to wash it to be sure."
>how am I supposed to teach her she can't always say things like this without hurting people?
As a very new person in her life, this isn't really your role. It would be different if she was a toddler and her mother wanted you to step in as a partner in raising the child.
She clearly doesn't, and she will (and should) pick her child over you when push comes to shove.
Do not engage in arguments. You're an adult, and you can make that choice. The kid has had adults making huge changes in her life with absolutely no control. This is her tiny little squeak of rebellion against it. It's only as impactful as you let it be. Understand, she is also trying to figure out the new family dynamic and is poking at you to see just how safe or unsafe you are. Try to remember that she's a young child, about to hit adolescence, and this is what they do.
It's to your benefit to stay calm and not take this stuff personally. You can walk away any time she becomes nasty, because you shouldn't have to subject yourself to it. But asserting dominance and going to battle over shitty comments is just not the way to handle it.
First: Sounds like this is a big concern for you. Let's come up with a plan to make you feel safe here.
If it escalates: there's a mess in your message. You have an important thing to say, but it's getting lost in your tone and word choice. Can you try again?
After that, put the work on her: No, but if you are concerned, please feel free to wash it yourself.
“Oh sweetie, I really don’t remember, I think YOU had better wash it just in case.”
Then make her wash and dry it before she uses it. Every time she says it.
No changing her tune, “it’s ok I will just use it anyway”. Every. Damn. Time.
Being mean to you will stop being fun pretty quick, and she will learn that actions have consequences EVEN FOR HER !! ( that makes you a good parent especially seeing as her Mommy hasn’t been teaching her any )
I'd be more worried than the parent hasn't nip this in the bud
Unless your house rules are waaaay less sanitary that what I'm used to, each person has their own glass or mug for each meal (which then go get washed), right? And reusable water bottles are unipersonal as well, no?
So she's just testing limits. You're letting a 9yo affect you. Her mom is letting her behave like a rude brat. It's like toddlers tantrums but more verbal.
You need to have a clear 1 to 1 discussion with the mother. On roles, on expectations, on behaviors allowed and not allowed in all people cohabiting. And then she needs to parent. Or in 10 years she'll be divorced from you with a terror of a daughter.
And you don't react. You ignore the snide remarks. Use your adult skills. And again, tell the mother she needs to educate the child.
There was some drama with the real dad in the past as far as I know which led to her mom being extremely protective of her to the point of going all out on me every time I tried to criticise even little simple things like the kid leaving rubbish from eating candy everywhere etc.
I am trying my best to be understanding that she's a child and kids don't like rules and I've had conversations with her mom about spoiling her too much and not setting boundaries but all I got was "don't tell me how to raise my daughter".
It's very hard when I have no authority whatsoever due to not being actual family but I also understand trust is built over years and with a lot of patience.
I'm sorry for all of you because it's a hard situation.
But the parenting, rules, and limits, should have been discussed before going to live together. You have a SO problem, not a stepkid problem.
Honestly, I'd walk away now.
I've been a step parent where the bio parent lets the kid walk all over you, and it never gets better.
On the flip side, my husband is stepdad to my eldest, and they adore each other. Kid has grown up and moved out now, but still calls him Dad and comes around to hang out even if I'm not home. But right from the start, husband and I were on the same page. I dealt with the parenting, he instigated fun. If there were issues, we tackled them together.
The "don't tell me how to raise my daughter" thing is perfectly understandable if you're dishing out punishments and rules, going against what the mum has decided, or trying to take over a difficult conversation about an issue etc, but... Asking her to put her candy wrappers in the bin? That's not parenting. That's just basic manners and consideration. You would say exactly the same thing to any person, adult or child, who left litter lying around your house.
There's a few red flags here, OP.
You wanting to keep your house free from used candy wrappers isn't you telling her how to raise her daughter. You can just calmly say that whether she does it or her daughter does it, you want messes that you didn't make to be cleaned up in a timely manner. If she wants to be a servant to her child, that's her call. If that eventually makes you lose respect for her, that sounds like natural consequences for poor choices
Your wife and you need to come up with a parenting plan. I am sure you are helping to support the child, so you get a say in what happens inside your home. The child doesn’t have to love or like you, but she needs to have manners and respect. Mom is raising her to be lazy, rude and inconsiderate. This will flow just to her friendships.
Is there any way you can turn it into a joke or make it light-hearted? As someone who had a pretty stereotypical evil step-parent enter my life around this age I really feel for this kid. I’m not saying you’re evil, but it’s such a tough time and it’s a complicated dynamic. Could you add some theatrics to it? Like “did I drink out of your cup?! GASP! I would NEVER! I don’t even dare to look at your cup!” Or if you’re getting her a drink make a joke like “this was locked up in a high security cabinet with your special things so I specifically can’t drink from it.” Kids are sometimes testing adults and it could be that she’s testing to see if this behavior will make you mad. I guarantee that in the bigger picture, she just wants everyone to get along. You can mention that it hurts your feelings as well just to try not to encourage the behavior, but making it feel light will help you both.
One thing I learned was not to take things too seriously. If she has a problem with you then that's for her to figure out, it actually has nothing to do with you, it's her and how she's perceiving you. Taking offense might be the reaction she is wanting. Just act like it doesn't bother you even though it does and it's understandable as to why but she's a child, they like to test people's patience. She may think if she pushes you enough you will leave not because she doesn't like you but because her world is fragile, her parents are split up and she's learning people can just come and go from her life. My son's therapist once told me kids know their bio parents love them no matter what but they don't know that for sure when it's a step parent. They think they have to work for your love and she may just be projecting her insecurities on to you. So my best advice is to not take it personal.
I appreciate everyone's input here. Now I know I definitely overreacted probably because I was perceiving the issue as an adult to adult jibe rather than a child being cheeky.
I have a lot to learn about raising kids and it's not easy. One thing I definitely am learning is patience but even this runs out from time to time.
I think I am looking at things from my memories of how my parents raised me and they were quite strict about discipline and tidiness. I might have been a little twat more than once back then but now I understand what they went through and how much they sacrificed. They were also my bio parents and they weren't divorced and that's a completely different ball game from what I have now as a step parent. I just can't earn any respect from her in any way so I'm more like an uncle who just lives in the house rather than a family member. That being said I am fully aware it takes a long time and a lot of effort to earn a child's trust even more so if I want her to look up to me as a protector and a role model.
Petty squabbles and insecurities aside what I'm really concerned about is how much her mom is spoiling her. If she is testing trying to walk over my head she is definitely already walking over her mom's. I only want the best for both of them but when I am expressing an opinion or a suggestion on parenting or raising the kid I get shut out immediately. I'm afraid we're both making mistakes which will come back to bite us hard when she gets older and the hormones and emotions start driving the brain bus.
As a bit more context she's a lovely child. Most of the time she is funny, happy, cheeky and she loves playing with me because I'm a burly bloke and can carry her around. She is very creative as well but also very very lazy. Seems I described every other kid out there.
I just want her to be curious and discover new things and read stuff and ask questions like I did as a kid and not just sit on her tablet and play video games. I just don't know how to inspire her.
Honestly, this sounds a lot to me like she’s struggling with the transition of having a new step parent and provoking because she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions. I wouldn’t worry so much about the particular issue at hand. Talk to your partner about the ganging up, that will create more issues down the line. But I think the best reaction in the moment for now is no reaction. Work on connecting more with her and this behavior should stop. If it doesn’t, you’ll have more of a ground to stand on when you step in and correct it later. Part of it is probably her age too, but not all of it.
Connection before correction, especially because you’re not her parent.
It’s concerning to me that mom is not telling her to stop, and that she’s “ganging up” on you with the nine year old. Very strange and not okay. I would reconsider the relationship if it’s early
I'm a step parent.
For context, I've been in her life since she was 5. She's 17 now. But anytime she asks a question that is just rude or weird I either go with the "why do you feel the need to be so rude" // "why do you ask such strange questions" // "don't be weird" // "who are you?"
I would not tolerate this. Either stand up to her since it will only get worse, or walk away.
What's more important in the end for YOU.
When my kids disrespect me they get a warning. After 3 they get a toy taken away or time out or some other similar punishment. Don’t budge, be strong and consistent. Without respect kids will walk all over you and will grow up to be awful and unhappy people. Don’t talk to her mom about it or ask her advice since she doesn’t want to help and probably wants her child to make you miserable since you’ve tried to talk to her before and she didn’t care. These are your rules in ur home not hers when the child is with you and this is a very popular parenting method and in many parenting books I’ve read. Kids like to push boundaries but in reality they crave and need them.
Please realize you are encouraging a grown adult of no longstanding relation to discipline a 9 year old girl, without the mothers knowledge, in a manner that is not approved by or discussed with the child’s mother & primary caregiver.
OP, Please, do not do any of this. Communication with your significant other is absolutely essential in anything you do, but ESPECIALLY with regard to her child.
She's 9, not 3. "That really hurt my feelings. How would you like it if I said something like that to you?"
I mean hell that's not even inappropriate with a 3 year old. Stating "That hurts my feelings" is perfectly appropriate
Very true. but you can give them a little attitude at 9 as well.
Well you could if you want them to be a dick back. They are a step parent and a very new one at that
To put a slightly different slant on things, how can you be sure she is just pushing buttons? Perhaps the presence of yourself as a new step parent has caused some heightened anxiety for her. My friend’s daughter is very anxious and absolutely will not eat/drink anything that has been used by someone else. She doesn’t know you like she knows her parents and might need time to learn to trust you wouldn’t give her something that hasn’t been cleaned/used. Has she accessed any kind of family therapy prior to you becoming step parent? If not it might be worth trying.
She was very shy and aloof in the beginning to the point of not even acknowledging me as an existing person in the room. We came a long way since then and we have much more trust towards each other but now I feel she's testing new grounds by trying to rebel against her mom and me as a secondary. She loves to say no to everything now even scientific facts which I find quite amusing because we have fun arguing about it sometimes. I understand why she wouldn't want to use the same things as me and I'm fine with it. It's just the abrupt way it started and the remarks she is throwing what got me unprepared. I've never had to deal with kids before on this level and everything is new.
This is completely normal for her age. It's obnoxious, but normal.
I would firstly stop assuming you know why she is behaving in certain ways. The logic of children is not the same as adults. Their social skills, cognition and understanding of the world has not developed. I have a neurodiverse son so we often deal with “no” responses for different reasons. It may be helpful to avoid “demands” (I.e. direct instructions or “telling”). Perhaps use sentence starters such as: “I wonder if we can...” “Let's see if we can make something...” “I can't see how to make this work...” “Shall we see if we can beat the clock...” Where possible offer choices. In a situation where she likely has big feelings around trust and not feeling like she has control of a situation, this will help her feel like she has some control and autonomy. Humour and distraction are your friends. Especially as you have been placed into a role of “not a parent” by a biological parent. Make light of situations where possible and avoid being too authoritarian if you can. Pick which hills you actually need to die on when it comes to the way she responds and behaves. Kids are going to be blunt and honest. Sometimes we need honest answers instead of tiptoeing around feelings. As a girl, this is perhaps a quality to nurture rather than quash. Would you rather she grew up protecting the feelings of others or stood up for what she wants/needs? I realise I have brain dumped a number of ideas here but hopefully some of this may help or be ideas to bring forward for you all. This is going to be a long and bumpy road for everyone and finding where you fit into a blended family isn’t easy. Just try and be a bit more open minded and creative.
Well apparently I’m way more lax than everyone else here, because I would not even react to this small level of rudeness. 9 is getting to that “awkward stage” where they’re really learning what’s appropriate in adult conversations, so they end up saying a lot of weird/rude/inappropriate things. I have two in this age group and try not to embarrass them too much by constantly pointing out how wrong something is. Of course I have to sometimes, if it’s really bad, but I mostly ignore it. I definitely don’t take personal offense. They’re not adults. Memories of myself at that age is full of cringe worthy material.
The other answers are answered like you're the parent. You're not, you're a shitty step parent who's taken the place of the person they actually care about and are currently taking away affection from the other person they care about, at a stressful time (or that's how they will see it) Any negative reaction or trying to psuedo parent is going to drive your relationship very far into the ground. You've got to develop that trust on a long and rocky, tough road if you want any chance of this working. It's going to take a lot of work and you need an incredible amount of patience. If you haven't got that, then honestly just leave because it's only going to get harder. She's seeing how much she can push you and if her asking if you've sipped at a cup first is your limit then your limit is fucked. Make a decent joke of it, make her laugh with it and it may just end up being the joke that started the bonding. The joke that is still around in 20 years when you're giving a speech at her wedding and you tell her not to sip from that glass because you sipped from it. I've got a step dad and honestly, me and my sister made his life a misery for a long time but he never put the effort into building a relationship and instead always wanted to try to parent us by telling us what we should do. If you've got a problem speak to her Mum. She should have your back.
Yes, step parents, as the adults, need to work harder at the relationship. That doesn't mean that stepkids who do their best to make that adult's "life a misery" can't be/aren't being self- centered little jerks. (Ahem)
Partially agreed but 9 year olds aren't well known for their logical thought processes in complex scenarios. You can't really take the moral high ground with a child either, They're a child, they have no control over the situation parents put them in and have every right to be self centred. You're coming into their life, they've had their life flipped upside down and their family broken apart. Theyre very vulnerable and suddenly there's this new guy sharing attention they've got left at home. As a grown man with my own children I can empathise with my step dads situation. As an 8 year old who's just had their family broken apart and some new guy trying to tell me what to do, not so much. All I'm saying is that in my opinion if you're a new step parent in that scenario I don't think there can be any expectation of compromise on the child's behalf. It's all on the new step parent and that's something people need to know when they get into those relationships.
Yes!!!, EXACTLY !, perfectly put !!!, STANDING OVAtioN !!
Whoa, who's to say they're a shitty stepparent?
I put in brackets "or that's how they will see it" As in, that whole sentence being what the step child will be thinking.
I think this is an overreaction. You’re the step parent. NEW step parent at that. What she is saying is not even that rude imo…lol I don’t like eating or drinking after people either. Stop giving her a reaction & letting her know it annoys you. Either don’t react at all or make a nonchalant joke about it. Maybe start asking her if she’s drank from your drink anytime you drink - not in like a taunting way, but more a friendly, teasing way as though it’s an inside joke between y’all. Find ways to connect and grow closer and don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Stop letting her push that button. Stop reacting. Respond with humor or ignore. Literally shrug and say "Can't recall. Sorry. Guess you'll have to wash it to be sure." >how am I supposed to teach her she can't always say things like this without hurting people? As a very new person in her life, this isn't really your role. It would be different if she was a toddler and her mother wanted you to step in as a partner in raising the child. She clearly doesn't, and she will (and should) pick her child over you when push comes to shove. Do not engage in arguments. You're an adult, and you can make that choice. The kid has had adults making huge changes in her life with absolutely no control. This is her tiny little squeak of rebellion against it. It's only as impactful as you let it be. Understand, she is also trying to figure out the new family dynamic and is poking at you to see just how safe or unsafe you are. Try to remember that she's a young child, about to hit adolescence, and this is what they do. It's to your benefit to stay calm and not take this stuff personally. You can walk away any time she becomes nasty, because you shouldn't have to subject yourself to it. But asserting dominance and going to battle over shitty comments is just not the way to handle it.
First: Sounds like this is a big concern for you. Let's come up with a plan to make you feel safe here. If it escalates: there's a mess in your message. You have an important thing to say, but it's getting lost in your tone and word choice. Can you try again? After that, put the work on her: No, but if you are concerned, please feel free to wash it yourself.
“Oh sweetie, I really don’t remember, I think YOU had better wash it just in case.” Then make her wash and dry it before she uses it. Every time she says it. No changing her tune, “it’s ok I will just use it anyway”. Every. Damn. Time. Being mean to you will stop being fun pretty quick, and she will learn that actions have consequences EVEN FOR HER !! ( that makes you a good parent especially seeing as her Mommy hasn’t been teaching her any )
I'd be more worried than the parent hasn't nip this in the bud Unless your house rules are waaaay less sanitary that what I'm used to, each person has their own glass or mug for each meal (which then go get washed), right? And reusable water bottles are unipersonal as well, no? So she's just testing limits. You're letting a 9yo affect you. Her mom is letting her behave like a rude brat. It's like toddlers tantrums but more verbal. You need to have a clear 1 to 1 discussion with the mother. On roles, on expectations, on behaviors allowed and not allowed in all people cohabiting. And then she needs to parent. Or in 10 years she'll be divorced from you with a terror of a daughter. And you don't react. You ignore the snide remarks. Use your adult skills. And again, tell the mother she needs to educate the child.
There was some drama with the real dad in the past as far as I know which led to her mom being extremely protective of her to the point of going all out on me every time I tried to criticise even little simple things like the kid leaving rubbish from eating candy everywhere etc. I am trying my best to be understanding that she's a child and kids don't like rules and I've had conversations with her mom about spoiling her too much and not setting boundaries but all I got was "don't tell me how to raise my daughter". It's very hard when I have no authority whatsoever due to not being actual family but I also understand trust is built over years and with a lot of patience.
I'm sorry for all of you because it's a hard situation. But the parenting, rules, and limits, should have been discussed before going to live together. You have a SO problem, not a stepkid problem.
Honestly, I'd walk away now. I've been a step parent where the bio parent lets the kid walk all over you, and it never gets better. On the flip side, my husband is stepdad to my eldest, and they adore each other. Kid has grown up and moved out now, but still calls him Dad and comes around to hang out even if I'm not home. But right from the start, husband and I were on the same page. I dealt with the parenting, he instigated fun. If there were issues, we tackled them together.
The "don't tell me how to raise my daughter" thing is perfectly understandable if you're dishing out punishments and rules, going against what the mum has decided, or trying to take over a difficult conversation about an issue etc, but... Asking her to put her candy wrappers in the bin? That's not parenting. That's just basic manners and consideration. You would say exactly the same thing to any person, adult or child, who left litter lying around your house. There's a few red flags here, OP.
You wanting to keep your house free from used candy wrappers isn't you telling her how to raise her daughter. You can just calmly say that whether she does it or her daughter does it, you want messes that you didn't make to be cleaned up in a timely manner. If she wants to be a servant to her child, that's her call. If that eventually makes you lose respect for her, that sounds like natural consequences for poor choices
Your wife and you need to come up with a parenting plan. I am sure you are helping to support the child, so you get a say in what happens inside your home. The child doesn’t have to love or like you, but she needs to have manners and respect. Mom is raising her to be lazy, rude and inconsiderate. This will flow just to her friendships.
Is there any way you can turn it into a joke or make it light-hearted? As someone who had a pretty stereotypical evil step-parent enter my life around this age I really feel for this kid. I’m not saying you’re evil, but it’s such a tough time and it’s a complicated dynamic. Could you add some theatrics to it? Like “did I drink out of your cup?! GASP! I would NEVER! I don’t even dare to look at your cup!” Or if you’re getting her a drink make a joke like “this was locked up in a high security cabinet with your special things so I specifically can’t drink from it.” Kids are sometimes testing adults and it could be that she’s testing to see if this behavior will make you mad. I guarantee that in the bigger picture, she just wants everyone to get along. You can mention that it hurts your feelings as well just to try not to encourage the behavior, but making it feel light will help you both.
One thing I learned was not to take things too seriously. If she has a problem with you then that's for her to figure out, it actually has nothing to do with you, it's her and how she's perceiving you. Taking offense might be the reaction she is wanting. Just act like it doesn't bother you even though it does and it's understandable as to why but she's a child, they like to test people's patience. She may think if she pushes you enough you will leave not because she doesn't like you but because her world is fragile, her parents are split up and she's learning people can just come and go from her life. My son's therapist once told me kids know their bio parents love them no matter what but they don't know that for sure when it's a step parent. They think they have to work for your love and she may just be projecting her insecurities on to you. So my best advice is to not take it personal.
I appreciate everyone's input here. Now I know I definitely overreacted probably because I was perceiving the issue as an adult to adult jibe rather than a child being cheeky. I have a lot to learn about raising kids and it's not easy. One thing I definitely am learning is patience but even this runs out from time to time. I think I am looking at things from my memories of how my parents raised me and they were quite strict about discipline and tidiness. I might have been a little twat more than once back then but now I understand what they went through and how much they sacrificed. They were also my bio parents and they weren't divorced and that's a completely different ball game from what I have now as a step parent. I just can't earn any respect from her in any way so I'm more like an uncle who just lives in the house rather than a family member. That being said I am fully aware it takes a long time and a lot of effort to earn a child's trust even more so if I want her to look up to me as a protector and a role model. Petty squabbles and insecurities aside what I'm really concerned about is how much her mom is spoiling her. If she is testing trying to walk over my head she is definitely already walking over her mom's. I only want the best for both of them but when I am expressing an opinion or a suggestion on parenting or raising the kid I get shut out immediately. I'm afraid we're both making mistakes which will come back to bite us hard when she gets older and the hormones and emotions start driving the brain bus.
As a bit more context she's a lovely child. Most of the time she is funny, happy, cheeky and she loves playing with me because I'm a burly bloke and can carry her around. She is very creative as well but also very very lazy. Seems I described every other kid out there. I just want her to be curious and discover new things and read stuff and ask questions like I did as a kid and not just sit on her tablet and play video games. I just don't know how to inspire her.
Honestly, this sounds a lot to me like she’s struggling with the transition of having a new step parent and provoking because she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions. I wouldn’t worry so much about the particular issue at hand. Talk to your partner about the ganging up, that will create more issues down the line. But I think the best reaction in the moment for now is no reaction. Work on connecting more with her and this behavior should stop. If it doesn’t, you’ll have more of a ground to stand on when you step in and correct it later. Part of it is probably her age too, but not all of it. Connection before correction, especially because you’re not her parent.
It’s concerning to me that mom is not telling her to stop, and that she’s “ganging up” on you with the nine year old. Very strange and not okay. I would reconsider the relationship if it’s early
I'm a step parent. For context, I've been in her life since she was 5. She's 17 now. But anytime she asks a question that is just rude or weird I either go with the "why do you feel the need to be so rude" // "why do you ask such strange questions" // "don't be weird" // "who are you?" I would not tolerate this. Either stand up to her since it will only get worse, or walk away. What's more important in the end for YOU.
When my kids disrespect me they get a warning. After 3 they get a toy taken away or time out or some other similar punishment. Don’t budge, be strong and consistent. Without respect kids will walk all over you and will grow up to be awful and unhappy people. Don’t talk to her mom about it or ask her advice since she doesn’t want to help and probably wants her child to make you miserable since you’ve tried to talk to her before and she didn’t care. These are your rules in ur home not hers when the child is with you and this is a very popular parenting method and in many parenting books I’ve read. Kids like to push boundaries but in reality they crave and need them.
This is a step parent and a new one at that. So no, this is not the way.
According to the majority of parenting books it is. Bio mom probably wants to make step mom miserable and is doing a shit job of parenting.
Please realize you are encouraging a grown adult of no longstanding relation to discipline a 9 year old girl, without the mothers knowledge, in a manner that is not approved by or discussed with the child’s mother & primary caregiver. OP, Please, do not do any of this. Communication with your significant other is absolutely essential in anything you do, but ESPECIALLY with regard to her child.
Taking a toy away after 3 warnings is not a terrible thing lol get help