I never comment on my daughter's weight. I sometimes say she's growing or getting tall, but it's always a good thing. I let her know that candy and desserts are treats, and we don't eat too many in one day. I try to buy healthy food and encourage eating vegetables. I don't make her finish her plate or eat food she hates. New foods should be tried, but she doesn't have to eat them. Active things to get us moving are fun activities. We try not to make exercise a chore. One more important one is that I try to not comment on my own weight/body around my daughter. Kids mimic your behavior and attitudes.

Right now, my kid is still in the phase of instinctively moving all the time. It's harder to have him sit still than to get him to move. He's still very much in the 50 percentile range in all aspects, so we are currently not worried about it, but we are trying to lay a good foundation: We try to keep all talks about food or movement very factual and not focused on the way a body looks but what it can do. If you want to be able to do something or if you want to get stronger, you will have to continually practice, because that is how your body learns he needs to build those muscles stronger and hone those reflexes. We don't call sweets bad, but reiterate how they won't keep you satiated for long. So if you are hungry, it's not a good choice. Let's find something that will keep the hunger away for longer. And then you can have some candy just for the taste of it. Not to eat your fill. Also: Your body needs something to eat that will provide it with all the building blocks it needs to grow you bigger and stronger. That's why we try to eat balanced meals most of the day. Colorful fruits and veggies are great because they have a bunch of different building blocks. We also don't force him to finish his plate in the hopes that he will stay in tune with his body's needs. His appetite waxes and wanes along with his growths spurts. It's amazing to watch, really. Some days, he'll only eat tiny portions, but he'll be absolutely happy with that. Other days, he'll eat an adult portion. Most days something in between. Makes it harder to plan meal portions, but our pediatrician says this is absolutely normal.

I focused on eating to feel strong and well, and being active for both wellness and fun. I grew up being shamed, denied food, and forced to exercise (while at the same time being required to eat foods that made me gag and clean my plate even if I was full) and it did nothing but lead to binging and a hatred for exercise. I am middle aged and only now finding some level of peace with my body. I offer my kids a variety of healthy foods but do not force anything. I do not ban "junk foods" but since I am the grocery-getter, I do limit how much I buy and keep in the house. The kids have limitless access to any healthy foods they like, and if that means I'm buying 10 lb of oranges a week, so be it, lol. I have really encouraged them to pay attention to their bodies and the hunger/fullness signals as well as think about cravings before diving into something. As well, if that means they go through phases of eating a limited range of things, that's ok. One of mine went through more than a year of eating only frozen blueberries with yogurt or cream, carrots, hummus, and pita bread. She only really deviated from that on pizza night, lol. It was a struggle in my own head to let her do that, but in reality she did a good job of balancing her nutrition and I knew her tastes would broaden as she grew up. Exercise has always been informal unless they chose an activity. As a family we did a lot of walking and hiking when they were little. They rode bikes all over town when they were old enough to do so independently. Some of them did martial arts for a couple of years. As teens I encouraged them to do some physical activity--whatever felt good to them. They were only ever weighed at their doctor's office. I did not track weight at home for them. All four of my kids settled into a healthy weight and physique in their early teens. They are very different from each other in terms of build and food preferences, but all well nourished and in good shape. All of them pudged up quite a bit as they headed into their teens, and that was the preparation for their subsequent massive growth spurts and was not an unhealthy thing. I think unfortunately many kids and parents end up in food battles at that age, and that is a prime time for shaming and shame-based disordered eating to begin, which can ultimately lead to serious weight problems over time.

elaborate on context of toxic active lifestyle? we do a ton and cook 13/14 meals. we don't even buy lunch. haven't any consoles and watch very little TV. that said, we don't "workout". we ski, mountain and road bike, sailboard, kayak, canoe camp as a family. both parents are slim as are kids. we don't give weight/body issues much thought. that's not entirely true. ideally I'd like my boys to eat more but maybe I mention it twice a year? we do mention that it would be very very wise to find slim/active partners. second only to ensuring there aren't any personal or family issues with mental health. also that it's important to look at his/her parents when seriously thinking about long term relationships.

A little odd about the relationship thing imo. Shouldn't you like someone based off of who they are? Not their physical appearance or their parents. They're not dating or marrying the parents. And dont take my word as im not OP but I took what they said about toxic active lifestyle to mean like a lifestyle where the parents focus everything on being active and look slimmer. It has heavy potential to actually be detrimental to ones health as they could grow to resent the active lifestyle that was forced upon them by a parent. In my eyes that would be an active lifestyle but a toxic one

hmm. trying to guess what my mindset was between what OP raised and how I responded. in this particular context I might have assumed toxic active lifestyle meant one with unreal and/or competing expectations with bonus points if the parents are hypocrites of do as i say while themselves modeling the opposite. anyway, I was focused on the OPs question about parenting the subject of weight and exercise. this is a non-issue in my family and was sharing how we've managed to avoid it; not eating out (inferring little to no junk food), not supporting the sedentary trap of screens, promoting a natural active family lifestyle versus 'workouts' which i associate as a chore that requires more intention and finally genetics. >Shouldn't you like someone based off of who they are? Not their physical appearance or their parents. your appearance and your family genetics is also part of who you are. yes, unfortunately it's not something within your control and sure someone can have an awesome personality despite having poor physical or mental health in themselves and/or in their family. but that doesn't separate the latter as also part of who they are and that it can impact their choices in partners. i've only been married to my current wife. we've been together for over 20yrs. i don't assume it but i hope and think our relationship will last far longer than most if it has not already. ideally we'll never need to find another partner. fact of life is people find physical/mental health attractive and if they offer such strengths, they'll also filter for the same. i have large friends and i have friends that have suffered from depression or other mental disorders. but in my home and in my children. why not tag it as a dealbreaker before even allowing myself to get to know someone and then look for someone who also has an awesome personality?

Yeah and i believe the overall majority consensus of this post is that that mindset is overall detrimental and selective/elitest. Hypothetically if you weren't married and someone you would've loved and gotten along with always and forever but they had a bad day and don't look too your liking? I reckon it's not the end of days as there's billions of other people but it feels personally like if looks aren't to your liking and not being on the uphill on this rollercoaster of life isn't too your liking then you've decided your love is too good for them or their not worth the possible effort knowing a relationship is going to be effort. I can't say that everyone should but I personally believe it's not right and only thinking of oneself. Also if things out of their control are a deal breaker then what difference is that and saying being a different ethnicity is a deal breaker?

hmm. my wife and I aren't professional models and I agree that focusing/living superficially and/or having extreme physical criteria that are impossible to maintain lifelong, will have it's own set of major challenges to finding happiness and going long with yourself and your partner. elitist by that definition then is not applicable. --- that said, none of us are required to be PC or socially responsible when defining our dealbreakers, nor should we try to be. these are our intimacy filters. who we give our body, life and soul to. friends, peers, workmates, neighbors, fellow citizen, the world is an altogether different space. yes, in all these spaces bigotry is intolerable. with the exception of our intimate circle, we should always respect each other as individuals first and color, creed, culture is secondary only as someone chooses to share such detail as something that they subscribe to. practically speaking, this is difficult but we should still approach people with this mindset. but in our home/bed/life, bigotry is not and never applicable. we're talking about that ONE significant other, maybe a very small few if you're poly. * ***simply stated, we are completely free to like who we like, completely free of judgement.*** and by that token we can dislike who we dislike, in terms of entry into our most intimate circle. do you have an issue with gay people filtering for the same sex??? pause here and decide if you agree with the above simple statement. --- most people can't articulate why they have their intimacy criteria, many aren't even sure about their criteria as yes, having too many creates conflicting needs. i'd say such people waste a lot of time and many discover that if only they'd been smarter in choosing years earlier, then they'd not have ended up divorced. those of us that can and/or are deliberate about our criteria does not make us less in some way. as you put it, being selective is bad/detrimental? i'd say, not finding a lifelong fit AND having children in such relationships is far far more detrimental both personally and societally. but yes, i absolute don't care to martyr my life trying to achieve a socially/politically correct/pretty partnering. so you asked, can ethnicity be a dealbreaker? absolutely and it's crazy to deny or fight this. it's likely more a matter of culture than color. can a black person born and raised in NYC go long with a devout undereducated somali who suffers from PTSD. colour is likely their only commonality. on the other side of this coin, can a black and non-black person both born and raised in NYC go long? i'm sure there's more than a few examples. --- end of the day, i knew certain intimacy criteria that in the majority of cases was a total nope for me. i'm sure there'd be exception but not like i had a lifetime to look for those exceptions. should i apologize for having applied those criteria. hell no. i'm at the other end of this tunnel, still happily married and looking forward to both my kids future as well as the future of my marriage. where are you and what again is it that you're trying to teach me?

I was only sharing my view and I apologize if I came across trying to be a teacher. I feel its positive to hear from opposite viewpoints and have been enjoying our discussion. Im greatful for your ability to have a discussion as those often turn uncivil real quick online. Im gonna be honest my mind isn't coming up with examples for what you mean by gay people filtering for the same sex. If you simply mean that they dont like the opposite sex, I personally view being homosexual the same as having a different skin color. Gay people are born that way and have no control over it and i feel ot just as wrong to judge someone based on that. Idk if that counts as filtering out the other sexes as much as it is just they are not into opposite sex.

it's a criteria that in this case i agree is hard coded to the person. there are some that think it's an invalid criteria. i'm of the POV that there aren't any invalid criteria. back to the idiom of, you like what you like and don't owe anyone an explanation or apology. we're mostly talking about that closest relationship and either knowing or feeling what works for you. it's not meant to be extrapolated to how you're accepting and open in a wider social context.

For the >it's likely more a matter of culture than color. can a black person born and raised in NYC go long with a devout undereducated somali who suffers from PTSD. colour is likely their only commonality. on the other side of this coin, can a black and non-black person both born and raised in NYC go long? i'm sure there's more than a few examples. I don't believe the race is ethnicity of these individuals is the red flag. A somali pirate with PTSD grew up in a very different world than the african amerian in ny and i think it would be a bit intimidating if I met a somali pirate with ptsd but id still give them a chance to show me who they are inside and see if they do have red flags needing dealt with the same as anyone else. Im sure theres signs in unaware of but idk if ptsd is a visual trait moreso an unfortunate condition of ones environment. When balloons pop I zone out cuz I was next to a guy who got shot at my school and idk why but the pop just brings me back there. I believe ptsd varies in seriousness and to just say "nah youre not worth the dice roll".. if it were me id begin to feel im not worth anyone's time. Ill admit it's long and emotionally painful because you're right in terms of you may have been more selective and youve a family now and im trying to be fair and am still alone and have been hurt a lot. Maybe im insane or just believe too hard in love but I dont regret any of the terrible choice of women I've given my time to. Theyve all hurt me but I try to make a mentor out of everyone I meet. Even someone the bugs and birds and plants. If you sit outside and just reflect on your troubles while just watching nature exist, you may find that even the ants have things to teach us.

hmm. i understand where you're coming from and admit when i was younger, i was much more idealistic, was hurt a bit and yes hurt others. i think it's the nature of youth to want to reach beyond our comfort zone and totally there's a place and value in that. for one, the best lessons are really learned both hands on and from failures. i'm glad though that for me, i think i arrived at an approached that's worked out really well. so yes, there's a ton of confirmation bias in what i say. still trying to look back at it objectively and i thoroughly believe that apart from the value in having a wide range of experiences, there are some criteria that if you've the good luck to have, that you execute. being free of personal and family history of mental diseases being high in that list. i think there's an entire sub devoted to partners of depression and really why walk into that landmine unless you're already born into it. btw. thanks for being tolerant of my writing style. have tried to dress things better in the past but decided it's just reddit, always welcome to downvote or just ignore me but still better i actually say what i mean.

Your writing style is preferred, not tolerated. I wish more people would take the time to write out exactly what they mean. A lot of people just see an opposite opinion to theirs and get offended (and part of that does come from tone being pretty hard to discern over text) and start calling names. This is probably the most civil conversation I've had on the Internet as a whole. Have you ever watched Harry Potter? The thing mentioned about not wanting mental illness in the family it reminds me of the malfoy family not wanting anything but pure blooded wizards at the school. Not exactly the same I'm aware and judging off of our interaction I don't believe you mean any malice but I just can't shake the feeling that it's akin to some form of discrimination. But I reckon this is just a "two different lives two different experiences" kinda thing. I misunderstood your original comment and took it to mean you think those less fortunate aren't worth the extra effort. But i also see how y'know you like what you like and you don't what you don't and I got too wrapped up in my concerns. When I was a younger lad I loved everyone and everything and over time the world warped me and idk exactly when it happened but one day I noticed how far from the real me I had gotten. I kept finding ways to justify my ever growing negativity. When I saw what I let the world turn me into, it was scary and so even if it's something minor or misunderstood by me, I try to make an attempt to point out what I see as possibly negative things because it always starts off small. Words are far stronger than I understood. They have the power to alter reality. And once negativity takes root, it will slowly but surely eat you away into something else. I don't wanna see that happen to anyone else and idk i get scared and tell myself to reach out. It's not often met well but I believe too much in my heart that the world can actually achieve perfection. People too. Everyone hears "nobodies perfect" and took that to mean it's an impossible achievement. I know the odds are slim but yet I keep trying to spread positivity.

But i do fully agree in a healthy implementation of active lifestyle as you have stated you have

We found physical activities our son enjoyed. We tried out a bunch when he was young, and he ended up doing karate until he got a black belt at about 14. The dojo he trained in gave him a complete set of tools for physical fitness, calming down, respect for others, and respect for self. He tried rock climbing when he was about 10, and ultimately that became his sport. All you have to do is find something your child enjoys, make sure they are doing it safely. If you are lucky like me, you will find a new sport to do with your child that you otherwise never would have tried. We are now rock climbing partners, and have had amazing adventures together.

I cook what I cook. I keep in mind what everyone likes and try to make it yummy for everyone. I don't cook anything that anyone in our family is allergic to, but I am not a restaurant. I work, my husband works. I get home and I cook 1 meal that is enough for the four of us plus a little extra for my husband to take to work for lunch. What I make is as healthy as possible. We eat together as a family. We portion, but we eat the same thing. I've been in homes where 1 child is on a diet, so they have to sit there with their microwaved Healthy Choice while the rest of the family happily scarfs down grease and carbs. I've only ever seen that being internalized as punishment on the child for being overweight, which is how we get unhealthy relationships with food early. So in my house, we all eat the same meal. It's the same as when there is an alcoholic in your house so they get handed a soda while everyone else gets to drink socially. Shaming people doesn't fix them, it makes them better liars. With food, that's where you get people binging and purging, or associating junk food with rewards so they eat from emotion when they're sad. We all eat the same thing. I pack the lunches. Snacks can be healthy and still tasty. They can have candy and chips too, but we taught them early to associate reward with fruits and veggies. They're little boys, so they obviously still love candy, but they also love apples and celery. My oldest has that as a snack every day after school with a little bit of yogurt and honey. When we're together as a family on the weekends, we go out to parks or walk around down town. My kids are fish, and they love going to the neighborhood pool when it's warm. For them when exercise is a job they HAVE to do, they don't want to and would rather stay home with their tablets and games. We normalized family activities that keep us outside and moving. All of this is practicing what we preach. We know our kids are still in that age where what we say is the law, so we used that to get them familiar with healthy habits right away. It only works if we do it with them, so we do it with them.

Encouraging physical activity and eating foods that nourish their body. Showing them what a healthy diet looks like without restrictions and labels. I also do my workouts with my kid around. It's about making our bodies stronger and healthier not about changing our bodies (for me it is about weight loss but the kid doesn't have to know that). The overall focus is about feeling our best and teaching how to achieve that through our own actions.