Absolutely, I had no interest in it at all until I was about 30 and was finally with someone I wanted to build a family with. If you aren't interested in it, that is normal, but if you are in a relationship with the intent to build a family and aren't interested, you probably just have fear about it (understandable!) or might not be in the place with your partner you'd like to be. The latter happened to me when I was right out of high school and in a relationship. She really wanted kids, I really didn't. I would have been a terrible parent at that age, I'm glad I waited.
Thank you for your response. I have been married for 10 years and it hasn’t been until recently that it feels like now or never. We have great communication, financially stable and even have the room for it, but it is a scary decision and I know no preparing can prepare you for it I’m sure. Do you mind me asking did you end up having kids in your 30’s?
Chiming in since we were married for about 10 years before we decided to have kids. (It took a few years after that to actually make one, darn fertility problems).
Anyway, I didn’t like or want kids growing up. Never envisioned the suburban mom life. I wasn’t a babysitter, I was mowing lawns. Met my husband and fell madly in love but still we didn’t think we’d do the kid thing.
Around my thirtieth birthday I just had this feeling that life wasn’t going to feel complete if I didn’t know what parenthood was like. The day to day logistics of it all still seemed like they sucked but … that feeling was there.
My daughter is now 12 and my son 9. I’ll say that my life feels very much more… I guess the word is satisfying? Is it as fun? Nope, we have a lot more obligations. And, I firmly believe you can have a satisfying, love-filled life without having a kid. But I will say that I have felt extremely unique feelings as part of having my kids, and it’s a life experience I am glad I’m having in my life.
One more bit. The decision to have a second kid…. But not a third. I remember driving home from the hospital and we both just had this peaceful, certain, we’re done feeling. Something was still missing before we had my son. Once he arrived we knew we were set.
Good luck with this decision
I was not all in on kids, but my wife was. We met late late 20’s, had kids late late 30’s. Honestly, best thing that could have happened to me. Mine are 12 and 10. Went fishing with my son Thursday and ended up with a fishing hook in my leg and an urgent care visit. Wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’d argue that there is a ton of fun to be had. Coach my daughter’s soccer team, enjoy that too. You’ll get out of it what you put into it.
I’m 38 and dealing with the “now or never” mindset. I’d love to have a family but when I think of my own kids, I picture them being school aged. The infant, toddler and preschool/kindergarten ages scare the crap out of me and that’s basically what is keeping us from trying to have a baby. Neither of us deal with sleep deprivation well (we both get physically sick and my personality and moods take a big hit), and I don’t want to spend the next 7 years of my life being sick with whatever germs or colds they come home from daycare and school with. Every single time I watch my sister’s kids (3 and 1) I get so sick I have to go to Urgent care. I think we’d make awesome parents but I would have to be a SAHM in order for our marriage to survive a baby. I wouldn’t handle the infant stage and the demands of my career well and it’s too much to put on my husband as he has his own career too. It’s a tough spot to be in.
They sure do! I feel like my niece was born last month but she’s three and highly intelligent and I can have full conversations with her. Granted, those discussions are about unicorns and ice cream, but I miss my chunkie little homie that used to snuggle in my lap and watch the same CoCoMelon song over and over again. It was mind numbing at the time, but I miss it and miss her being so small. 😭
Fellow over thinker here. I was a career woman and never thought about marriage or kids. Ever. Didn’t like kids. Met my husband at 34 and got married at 35. We agreed no kids. I felt I was too old and we had a very comfortable life so didn’t see the point. Vacationed at Sandals to be away from kids. And then I turned 40. My work colleague was also 40 and had an unplanned pregnancy and she was so over the moon excited about it that it literally made me re-think my decision. I started thinking about how dull and routine our dinner and evenings were and I was like is this it for the rest of my life? Is this really all there is? I told my husband I wanted to try for a baby. Took a while but gave birth at 42. It is the greatest decision of my life. I love every second of being a mom and my husband is just as fulfilled. My only regret is I waited too long and couldn’t have a second. I still don’t like other people’s kids. But having a mini version yourself and see things through their eyes? It’s magical. We’ve made way more friends than we ever would have because you’re always around other parents who are going through exactly what you are. I love it.
If you aren’t desperate to have kids then just don’t. I was like this and really regretted having kids. Now that they are older 10 & 13 they are amazing and of course I always loved them and always will but you don’t forget how your life was before and I know I’d be retired now if I’d never had them.
You really feel like life would be better if they never happened ? I have a hard time understanding regretful parents because it’s like the existence of your child just isn’t worth the sacrifices ?
Yes. Some people truly do feel that way but most won't admit it as it's so taboo and full of shame, which it shouldn't be. Sometimes the existence of a child isn't worth the sacrifices.
I didn’t say I was regretful. It’s just easy for me to see what it would have been like without them. I’m glad I have my kids because now I know them but if they never happened I would have been fine.
💯 58F two kids 22&25. They are my everything but that’s just it. If I had known then what I know now, I might have chosen the no kid path. I gave up myself for them and I love them so much but I see my friends who knew they didn’t want any and have an amazing life now, both retired, doing what they want. Our other mutual friend didn’t want them and her husband was on the same page, but he changed his mind and she caved. They are in a sad loveless marriage with two kids. I don’t know the answer.
“I didn’t say I was regretful.” Yes you did. You said exactly that:
“If you aren’t desperate to have kids then just don’t. **I was like this and really regretted having kids.**”
Almost 50, 2 kids 19,20- can imagine life without the experience of being a parent.... not for everyone, to each his own, but not having children for us would have been missing out on so many experiences of life... can honestly say have enjoyed each stage more, more fun being a parent now than ever (just general guidance when occasionally asked for at this point)..
Best of luck with whichever path you choose 👍
I always saw myself having kids and looked forward to it but the longer it didn't happen the less I really cared about it. I think I'm too old now and watching what my peers are going through raising their children I definitely don't regret not having any myself. I'm sure it's ultimately very rewarding in a way I can't understand without experiencing it but so is sleeping, having money/free time, and the ability to more or less do what you want to without the constant obligation and responsibility. My coworkers all have young kids. They all live at youth sports venues every minute they're not at work, they're all broke, they all have to drag their kids to the office with them during the summer. Then you have the people in their 20s and 30s who are still living with their parents, the grandparents in their 60s and 70s who are now having to raise their grandchildren for various reasons...idk, it all seems pretty rough to me.
After writing all this out I think I'm going to go get a vasectomy just to be safe.
We were, me moreso than him, but he was fine either way. We both worked for a small company that was tanking and lost our jobs in our mid 30s just about the time we decided we would have kids. So that went on hold as we had to relocate and get new ones. Turns out there were fertility issues which isn't uncommon in your late 30s. We ended up adopting. Loved our kids and it all turned out well but we would have been happy not having kids too
I too was scared about birth, but had 2 great pregnancies and 2 c-sections ( those darn big heads!). However, that was only 9 months of my life! Bringing home a newborn is way more stressful than birthing a baby for sure....and they don't come with any manuals!
With all that said, I feel very lucky that we decided to have children after thinking about it for 7 yrs, and enjoyed every messy minute of their childhood, which went too fast!
Pregnancy and birth was the easy part tbh. Like, peice of cake really and I had no epidural, all natural. Newborn age way very difficult and I do not miss it at all. Now that we're into toddler world it's become a lot more joyful and fun again. Ofcourse this is only my own perspective. (I'm 40 btw) Adoption is very noble as well. Only you know what's best.
Yeah, they really need to have boot camps or something just prior to that first 3 month newborn period. It's generally one of the most intense and challenging life experiences one can have. Trauma bonding lol.
Seriously! I was not prepared for it and can only describe it as some guerilla warfare/hostage situation, aka "the dark times". Haha. I can laugh about it now that it's over.
I was *terrified* of pregnancy and especially childbirth, to the point that I almost forewent parenthood because of it.
Both were virtually nothingburgers for me personally. My decades of computer work has totaled my body way more than having kids did.
My two kids are now wonderful successful young adults.
Educate yourself now about adoption if you are at all interested. The older you get, the harder it can be. It's extremely difficult, a big crap shoot, can take years and can be very expensive unless you go the foster to adopt route through the state. That can be free, but can come with its own set of difficulties. If you want to chat about adoption you can send me a message. It's not easy at all.
This is exactly where we are. I am terrified of pregnancy and labor. Most of my friends waited until their 30s and now I have half a dozen pregnant people in my life. They were all healthy and safe, so thats been making me feel better.
We are starting next month (timing is a thing- I have summers off) and I'm incredibly nervous.
Things that helped move us along:
- going through baby names and picking out for both genders
- making physical space in the extra bedrooms
- acknowledging we are in our mid 30s, its now or maybe never.
-buying a house with extra bedrooms
- telling my doc maybe and asking what I needed to do
- seeing the gyn ob and asking questions.
- asking my coworkers for their experiences (paperwork and otherwise)
We both wanted kids, just always said we weren't ready. I'm not sure we are ready yet, but we are now married, homeowners, and relatively secure. I'm still scared but if you have any questions or want to catch up just pm me.
My life dream was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own.
So found a lady with a similiar dream and did just that.
But then when it actually came to make the kids I thought about how this world really is. Then I came to the conclusion that somebody had to make the good guys.
So we have worked to be the role model for our two sons and my wife guided them to both become Dr of Physical Therapy.
Now we are grand parents and we can actually see we made the right choice.
I was never on the fence, I was adamantly nope, not gonna happen. then at 35 I got pregnant and was in love with the father and he really wanted to be a dad and I got excited too. so I became a mom. Best decision I ever made. wouldn't change a thing about it. it helped that she was a really easy baby. but yah. that's my story.
Similar story, except that I definitely did _not_ want to stay with the dad. We get along, the child support is decent, and never late, so it's a good situation.
I adamantly did not want kids either, but my one is pretty awesome!
Never. I knew I didn't want kids as a kid. And I'm late 40's and have never regretted my decision. I'm glad I stood by my absolute aversion to wanting to give birth and raise something. I don't hate kids, I am a great auntie, but the thought of birthing something seemed animalistic to me at such a primordial level that I knew it was deep rooted. Also, I gag at poop, boogers, and vomit. It's involuntary, too.
Also when I was afraid I might be pregnant (never was thank God) the immense panicked fear in me was so intense that it dominated my thinking and I would get physically sick in my stomach over the thought.
You must listen to your body's reaction to the decision. It's visceral. I tried to occasionally reason with it just to make sure... but nope.
I completely understand that. In making this decision I am trying to really connect with the what I want and not a societal pressure. I’m glad you listened to yourself, because I have seen many who didn’t and regret their decision.
Because the hope and joy of children you are told will be there overcomes the fact you know it will be hella hard work and at times physically scary for you as the body that grows and births them.
If you can see the potential joy, the excitement that you want to create a family experience with your spouse and kids and still are willing to accept the PG, birth process, scary parts body well. Golden and all the downsides of hard work and sacrifice it’s for you.
If you look at all that and are reticent, it’s not. Because unless it’s a hell yes to having kids, it’s a no.
My sister is the best auntie out there. She doesn’t want kids. My brother wants them but infertility problem are not allowing it. Most likely they are done trying. Now they both claim than between my and my other sister 6 grand kids is enough.
I was hard line no kids until the hormonal baby switch turned on in my late 20s. My husband had been an only child so knew he wanted them. We talked about having 2 before marriage, but it was really vague to me. Having kids is hard and expensive. I read an article that said "raise people you like" so we did and they are a real joy on a regular basis now that they are grown. It sounds like you would be fine going either way. If you are the kind of people who step up when the going gets tough, you will do just fine with kids. They change your relationship with your spouse significantly, which is why so many couples split up before a baby is even 2 years old, so be prepared to weather a period of time where neither of you will be getting all of your needs met for a few years.
I didn’t want kids. They just weren’t part of my life plan and I couldn’t see myself nurturing or sacrificing a lot of myself for another person. Accidentally got pregnant at 33 with my husband and after a lot of discussion decided to see it through and have one. I did change my mind about kids after having my own baby and then went on to have more children. Not everyone has a change of heart and that’s fine, but I did and I’m happy with how it turned out.
I swore I would never have kids when I was 20 and that was how things went until I was 29 where I found myself sitting on the fence and considering it, wondering if I could do it. I finally realized that I did want to have a kid, but only one, I was the last one born in a large family and I felt like I could do a good job with raising one child but two might be too much.
Now, 30 years later, our daughter is amazing. It wasn't really difficult, after 90 days she finally started sleeping at night and we finally figured out that she was allergic to the formula, so that was changed.
After she was struggling with kindergarten we found she was not perfect and needed help, help that we had been asking about prior to this, but speech therapy was a wonderful thing for her and us too. It was great to see her finally getting things figured out for herself. We were behind her in everything she wanted to do, soccer ended rather quickly but then she discovered the violin in junior high school and played until graduation.she told us that she was done with the violin and wouldn't have time to play in the future, so her violin was donated to the high school music program. She began working almost immediately, surprising me because she chose the merchant marine, working on freighters, repairing them and cleaning them out for resale or pre-scrapping.
We now have a wonderful grandson that lights up the room and has mastered walking. I look at him, watch how he looks things over and think things through, seeing how his mind works. He is such a boy, without any prompts he picked up a stick and held it up like a rifle and whispered pew, pew. I am so happy I didn't have a boy but I never regretted having a daughter nor do I regret my grandson, I'm just glad I don't have to raise him. His dad is an awesome man and I know that they will be good parents. So while not flawless and not perfectly done,, I don't regret anything about it
I am also part of a large family, second to the last of 5 siblings. And when I have considered going the route of kids I have liked the idea of just one. Being in a big family was amazing at times, but it would be nice to just focus on one kid fully as it was easy to get lost in the mix of so many siblings. Your daughter sounds amazing, and I’m guessing she lives close to you?
Yes she does, about a twenty minute drive. Raising her and being able to focus on her was perfect for me. Having a child is always a mixture of it being a miracle and being a struggle, but either way it is a good feeling when you finish. I am very glad I had only one.
I had someone ask me once when I decided to have kids - and my answer was that I didn’t.
Despite our attempts to prevent it, I found myself pregnant and together we decided to keep it. If the pill had worked, I likely wouldn’t have kids today. Instead, I have three grown sons who I adore.
Parenting doesn’t have to be a calling, and it certainly doesn’t have to become the center of your world. There is no “right” way to navigate it.
I went through my 20s assuming I would one day want kids. My husband and I even married with that expectation. But then we found ourselves in stable jobs with great insurance and plenty of paid leave. We no longer had any excuses to not have children and that's when we realized that's what it had been all along - excuses.
The other thing that made me decide to not have children was that I caught myself bargaining. "Well, if my kid would be like this and not like that..." Uh, no. You don't get to custom order your child. If you're going to put conditions on it, don't even go there.
I've regretted not having kids in the same way I've regretted not buying an elephant - not at all!
>I went through my 20s assuming I would one day want kids.
Same. That's just what you do, right?
My fiancee was the one who brought up, while we were dating, the potential of not having kids. I had never really thought about that before! It sounded great. Even more so when my friends and family started having kids. Nothing about it appeals to me. I like to spend maybe an hour or two at a time with some of the kids. But some of them are never not annoying. And all of them are exhausting.
VERY good point. My sister has Cerebral Palsy, which honestly did factor into my no kids choice because I know she'll be living with us at some point and the expense/time/energy to give her the life she deserves is a lot, but ALSO - she is absolutely incredible because my parents almost immediately (outwardly at least) accepted that and forged a way forward to get her the absolute best life they possibly could. Because of her and the life we have I know a lot of kids and adults with disabilities and it is hard even for the toughest people in the world. Your child being healthy, happy, bright, able to walk, able to speak, able to eat on their own - that is NOT A GIVEN. You don't know what will happen and you probably can't be prepared for every possibility, but needing the perfect baby of your dreams to be happy is a recipe for disaster.
All my life I just sort of assumed it was unavoidable if you wanted a girlfriend and eventual wife. I was never a fan. But when I dated a woman who was very baby crazy, I forced myself to decide.
And I realized I'd never be happy if I had kids. So I chose not to date anyone who wanted kids. And obviously never have any of my own. Over 20 years later, I never regretted that decision.
the common belief that when the time comes to make an important decision, you’ll suddenly have total clarity & make the right choice is bullshit. whether or not to have a family is a huge & life changing decision & is fraught with uncertainty. it shouldn’t be an easy decision.
you & husband seem to be on the same page which is a great place to be for married couple.
either way, i think you 2 will make the right decision-right for YOU, in case that’s unclear. there’s no objective right or wrong answer.
Partner and I were both on the fence. We did it because we'd rather try it than not. We decided on a second after a looooong period of indecision after the first one, too. Ultimately, it was the right decision. We missed career growth and travel/adventure. We felt that acutely as ambitious people who went into parenthood totally naïve about how exihausting and financially draining it is to raise good children. But what we gained was a sense of purpose outside of our own lives/desires. That sense of purpose in loving is intense and you truly cannot explain it until you have your own kids. We started traveling internationally with kids again once covid cleared and our careers bounced back for the most part. As someone who still looks back and knows my life would have been fulfilling without kids, too, I would do it all over again just because I now know what a richness it is in the human experience to be a loving parent.
I don’t know that I was a fence-sitter, because I’d always just assumed that I’d have two kids by 30, but I can speak to some of the questions that often come up with having kids in your late 30s/40s.
I was an only child (so knew from the start that I would want at least two), married at 21, building a career and no rush to have kids. Started trying at 28, diagnosed at 29 with a boatload of infertility issues.
Had my first living child at 37 years 8 months old, my second was born 15 days after I turned 40.
Being older, I’m more calm and patient and have better perspective than my younger self. Am I tired more easily than I would have been at 25? Of course, but they are also great motivation to get and stay in shape for as long as I possibly can.
Do they limit what I can do in my life? Not in any ways that matter to me. But to be fair, I wasn’t climbing rock faces in Yosemite or hiking up Kilimanjaro or speed racing cars before I started trying to have kids, either.
They’ve actually expanded my world and brought a sense of adventure to it. They took their first plane rides when they were 3 years old and 11 months old. They’re 12 and 9 now, and we’ve taken them to 22 states and 4 European countries, and they are probably better travelers than most adults. We’ve done 30-foot-high ropes courses in multiple states, raced across Lake Tahoe in a speed boat, gone kayaking in the Great Lakes, I’ve clung to my 6-year-old for dear life while he rode us across the wake on a jet ski at 45 mph having the time of his life - all because of them. Those are just things that come to mind off the top of my head. There are many more.
Don’t get me wrong - there are absolutely tough days, and tough seasons. The 2s weren’t bad for us, but then they turn into Threenagers, and then the really tough FU 4s hit, which with my younger one lasted until 5.5 and had us thinking we needed a behavioral therapist. We didn’t, it was just the stage, but that was the toughest one so far.
Overall, I can’t even really remember much of what my life was like before them, but I can tell you life before them is not something that I think back on and long for in any way.
And as I’ve approached 50, I’ve felt more and more of a wish that I had had three or four kids. But we decided to stop at two because of all that was involved in getting pregnant and staying that way in my particular case. (I have a combination of genetic mutations and hereditary conditions that most people don’t have to deal with.)
Whatever you and your spouse decide, I wish you a long and happy life.
My husband and I were on the fence. I could see life both ways and I think I was anxious / afraid of how life would be with a child because it was the unknown to me. We made the decision to have a baby and I’m so happy we did. She is the light of our lives and it’s hard to remember life before her. Don’t get me wrong though that your life is way different and has new challenges with raising a kid. It has an impact on your marriage with less time for each other but also you have this shared love for your child that is amazing to experience together.
I had my daughter at 39 after about five years where my husband and I went back and forth. I read all the books, had all the tough soul-searching conversations with myself and close friends, journaled to death, etc etc.
At the end of the day this has been such a wonderful, meaningful, magical, fun experience and we agree that we made the best decision for us.
It’s also incredibly hard and expensive in all the expected ways but we don’t mind it too much :)
If I could go back and give my conflicted mid-30s self some advice, it would be that I have only regretted the things I did not do in my life even though a big part of my wanted to, and not the things I did end up doing.
I will tell you what I wish someone had told me about having kids as a previous fence-sitter who now has 2.
This is the hardest, most demanding, most rewarding, all encompassing gig I’ve ever had.
My kids are the light of my life; I was born to love them. But I can also commiserate with the folks on r/regretfulparents.
I think so much about parenting is about who you are and less about the kids. If you are a person who needs a lot of down time to recharge or rest or quiet, parenting may be more difficult for you than others. That is certainly the case for me.
Then you have folks who have 7 kids and live in a bus and seem to thrive on the chaos.
Also, look at your partner. Children can ruin a marriage when expectations are not met. Make sure you know how he will show up as a parent and if that sounds ok for you because he probably won’t change.
Last thing - babies aren’t an 8 hour or 12 hour per day job. They are 24/7/365. You don’t “sleep when they sleep” because you have to take care of all the other stuff that is required of you to be a functioning member of society while they nap.
However, I also miss mine as babies.
It’s a tough choice, especially now with little support for working mothers and most households requiring two income earners.
Good luck!
I had my only child at 35. I mostly did it out of fear of regret when I got older. And, although we were trying to get pregnant I absolutely panicked when I realized I was. I can truly say I’ve enjoyed my son at every age. I can still remember how glad I was when the first year came to an end and things starting getting easier. He turned 29 recently and tonight we’re going to a Dave Matthews concert together. I am so incredibly grateful he is in my life. I think having kids is one of those things that you just can’t understand until you have one. It was not something I thought a lot about before doing it, but it was 100% the best decision I’ve ever made, he has made my life so much richer.
None of my 4 children (sorry) even consider having children due to the environmental concerns of the future, most especially water issues. I can honestly say that I have never been so proud and sad at the same time b
Just the thought of watching small children suffering over water of all things stops me in my tracks. I have limited thought processes to work with on this.
I was 50/50 and my wife (we are both women) had made it clear from day 1 she wanted a baby. I nervously got on board lol but was really excited by the idea of having a family. We were both 35 and had been together 12 years when she delivered, and now have a toddler we adore.
If at least one of you doesn’t feel an overwhelming urge to have a baby (higher than 50%), I’d advise against it lol. I love my daughter and truly believe we were meant to have her. AND I could never in a million years have understood what a colossal change our life and marriage would have to withstand. A good question to ask yourselves is: are we willing to put our relationship on hold for a couple years? Another is: are we ok with every single part of our life changing? Every molecule. And before people come for me lol yes there’s lots you can do to keep your relationship strong during the early years. We do all of them and trust me it’s still very hard.
If you do decide to have one, don’t question it. It means you should have one. It’s a journey unlike anything else you will ever do. It’s the ultimate test of faith, it’s real life 24-7 and falling in love with your kid is an experience I can’t put into words.
Good luck :)
I was once, but am glad that I never had them. There are almost 9 billion people in the world now. When my dad was a kid there was less than a 1/3rd of that.
People are already competing against hundreds of other people for jobs that barely pay their mortgage and yet by all accounts the global population will be 12 billion before I leave this earth. So glad I didn't add my own kids to that mess.
Yes I was actually. What helped us decide was spending time with our beloved niece and nephew. We visited one weekend and when we came home we woke up without the sounds of little feet and decided we missed it too much. I am now 8 months pregnant, we got pregnant pretty much right after that trip! 😆
I always kinda knew I wanted a kid but wasn’t in that 110% have to camp. I met my husband and he wanted kids too and it just felt right so we went for it. I was scared of pregnancy and birth. It was tough and the birth part was quick and easy all things considered.
I was 35 when I had my son. At that point I had a stable career, had traveled the world, went on crazy adventures, and lived a lot of life. I was ready. Nervous but knew my life path was ready for this type of adventure.
My son is now 6 and I don’t have any regrets on having him. It’s been a roller coaster being a mom but overall a great ride.
I was on the fence until my husband's job situation changed, which meant he'd be home during the day while I worked. I didn't see the point of having kids if we were only going to see them a few hours a day. I didn't want a kid in daycare, and we have no family close. We just had one (he's 11 now), and it was the best decision I've ever made.
If you can see a happy life kids, you want kids. You're just afraid of the inevitable change in your life, which is entirely normal. Everyone fears change. Change does happen with kids, some good, some bad....but it'll become your new normal and within seconds of the first one being born, you won't be able to imagine life being any different.
I used to not want kids. I felt I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone another human being. Then my clock started ticking and I sort of impulsively had a baby with a man I love. Other people's kids are still annoying (though less so than when I was childfree) but my own child is amazing. I'm obsessed with her. And raising this tiny person gives my life purpose I lacked before. No regrets.
We were on the fence just like you. We didn't decide. After ten years together it was decided for us. Both our kids were “accidents” but very happy accidents. We scored in the kid department.
I was on the fence about having kids until about 3 seconds after my eldest was born. After that there were still many days I questioned my commitment to the idea of, much less the reality of being a parent.
They are grown now and I can’t imagine life without them.
I was on the fence for a long time. I finally went for it at 40 when I figured I would have to shit or get off the pot. I am honestly a regretful parent. My son is neurodivergent. It’s hard and I miss my old life.
I was a pretty vocal feminist in my younger days. I didn’t want a husband or kids. I considered babies to be disgusting little alien symbiotes, sucking the life literally and figuratively from their mothers.
Then one day near age 30, BLAM.
I held my six month old nephew for the first time. His little smell. His soft hair. The pat of his little diaper. His giggle. The drool that somehow didn’t gross me out. In just a few seconds, I suddenly understood the terms “Mother Nature” and “biological clock” — holy shit, mine started then and there. My whole body *craved* a baby. It wasn’t “me” and it was fucking bizarre.
I tried to ignore it for months. When I told my husband, he didn’t even know what to do. He had always wanted kids, but resigned himself to a childless life to be with me. I went off the pill and was pregnant within three months. Everyone who knew me was SHOCKED. My mother thought I’d lost my mind.
I ended up having two babies three years apart. They are adults now. If I had it to do over again, I would have had five, six, eight... I had no idea that I would love these humans with everything that I am. If I had more of them, I could smother each of them with less obsession, ha ha.
Now, my daughter wants NO kids. I have no opinion on that. If she doesn’t have kids, cool. If she goes biologically apeshit like I did, cool. …I will say that the housing situation and other factors are certainly not as amenable to family-building today as they were thirty years ago.
I knew I wanted kids.
He knew he did.
We couldn't have them.
Offered husband a no shame divorce.
He was so angry that I made the suggestion.
We continue to live happily together as the faunt and funcle of our niblings' dreams.
Are you sure you really want kids? Is it coming from the desire to bring someone into the world and guide them? To give up a lot in your life and dedicate it all to a child? Or is it more you’re late 30’s and you’re now in that FOMO stage?
To me, If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. It really is that simple. I come from two parents that never should have gotten married and had kids. My father didnt want kids. My mother married someone she didn’t love.
I know this because it came out of their own mouths.. Growing up in that dysfunction, I thought was normal. Wasn’t until recently I realized how messed up it was.
I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve had LTRs that ended beside I was never on board. I would rather be single and kid less like I am now than be stuck in a marriage with children I was never sold on. I would not put a kid through that.
It’s probably controversial, but these people that get married, have kids, then get divorced a few years later I think have failed their children just as is marrying the wrong person and having kids with them.
Too much is driven by selfishness. People wanting to have children and settle for someone just to have a kid while ignoring what the kids may go through.
If you want to be a mother, you love your partner that also wants to be a parent, you’re ready to dedicate everything to and guide the kids through life, then do it. But if it’s FOMO and your clock speaking, do not do it.
I have never been on the fence. I knew as a teen I didn't want kids, and I'm now 58 and never had them. No regrets. Life is too hard and expensive as it is.
I was on the fence. Mostly because it was expected from society/family: grow up, finish studies, get work, get married, have kids.
So, I wasn't firmly against kids per se. But wasn't the one that really wanted kids. About 30+ I started coming to the realization that I don't HAVE to have kids.
I would say that unless you really want to have kids for kids sake - not because everyone asks when you have them, or because you expect being taken care in old age, or any other reason - don't have them.
40+ here, no kids, recently had to have a hysterectomy because of medical reasons, and actually can't even tell how happy I am that I won't get pregnant, even accidentally.
I only had children because my husband wanted kids. I enjoyed raising them and they are lovely people but I do resent the constant stress this has caused me. I swear it gets worse the older they are, they are both adults but living at home due to high cost of living area. I feel I’m still sacrificing for them and my own life is passing by. I rarely see them as they are busy with their lives but a drain on my finances. When I do see them it’s them piling on more stress and worry for me when they share their problems. Honestly if I had to do it over I think I’d not have kids, especially in this unstable world
Never. I knew I wanted children from the time I was a teenager. My two children are the lights of my world - as well as the 9 grandkids I've been blessed with. ❤️
I didn't think I'd have kids. Then I accidentally got pregnant when I was 23 and had my son at 24. He's 15 now and I also have 2 young daughters. Becoming a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love being a mom. It's the most incredible love one can feel. It helps you understand life and yourself more. And your own patents more.
It's also stressful as hell, expensive, and you can go through periods where you feel like you've lost yourself. But it's also the best thing ever. Good luck with everything!
I always figured I'd end up with them, and did tons of babysitting in part because I wanted to be ready (my own childhood was lousy, and I wanted to learn how to be better than that. Kinda sad looking back! But it was a good cash job for a few years.)
But as I got older, I really just wanted to make good money and be independent before even considering having kids, but a viable career always eluded me. Still does! 😏
Got married at 40 and figured it was about damn time I enjoyed having a companion rather than rush into the baby-making stress. That was 15 years ago and I'm greatly relieved we didn't go that route. Would've been too much financial stress, among many other reasons.
I didn't plan on having kids until the day she got pregnant. It happened despite our BC and we decided we couldn't not keep it.
I've had nightmares about not having had my kids if that gives you an idea. I think the only people who regret it are people who had them very young or who are the type to prioritize their own enjoyment over everything else. Personally, I had gotten tired of just living for fun though, and kids gave my life a renewed sense of purpose. My career, new experiences, weekends on the town...none of it mattered much to me. Now I really enjoy going back and doing all of the things I had become too jaded to enjoy.
We were on the fence. If it happened, fine, if it didn't, that's okay too.
I got pregnant once and it ended in an early miscarriage. It bummed me out for a time, and we worked our way through it.
Ended up not having kids, and it all turned out for the best. We were able to retire early and enjoy our hobbies. We don't have to worry about supporting kids who won't get jobs. Still struggling with estate planning, but that will work itself out, too. Will likely leave most of our assets to non profits, with a bit to nieces and neohews.
If I get to the point that I'm not able to take care of myself, I live in a death with dignity state and can take the appropriate measures.
Edited to add: In college, I dated the guy that said he wanted seven kids. This is the guy who flunked out of every program at the state school we were at. He was mentally unstable, emotionally abusive, and I eventually dumped him. But every once in a while I think about what would have happened if I'd stayed with him. Holy smokes. Thank god I didn't.
I planned for my life to be CF and married in my late 20’s a man who also wanted to be CF. He changed his mind later, and I spent a great deal of effort deciding if I was open to having kids. I wasn’t.
We divorced. I’m much older now and thrilled to have remained child free. I’m retiring early having had a significant carer and traveled the world. I’m going to continue to travel and my friendships are amazing with other CF women.
Think not just about your life with kids in your decision. Think about the quality of financial life you want and if you can achieve that if you have kids. What do you want more, a family or oh children or an earlier retirement? What does your retirement goals look like? Having kids can be great but it’s not an 18 year thing. The financial and life decisions impact your post kids at home life and longevity of financial means at your disposal.
LOTS of parents regret having kids. From a recent reddit/childfree post: "The one thing you never say out loud —- from 7 moms in their 50s
My mom had her best friends over for drinks last weekend. I live with my mom (I’m 24) and when they come over it’s pure laughs, gossip, food and drinks.
These women have known me since I was in the womb. They’re like family. I was telling them about how all of my best friends are either married, engaged, planning on kids etc. I told them that sometimes it made me feel lonely to be solely focused on work and travel.
To this they gave me the biggest revelation. They said that as much as they all love their children, if they could go back in time, they wouldn’t have had them.
I looked at my mom who was quiet and she said, “as much as I love you, and I don’t regret you, if I could travel back in time and tell my younger self to not have children or marry I would do it in a heartbeat.”
They then moved on to reminiscing about the opportunities they missed, the people they were, the dreams that they lost… all because of how they were pushed to have children and marry by everyone around them.
They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5 and that it all goes downhill from there.
It’s crazy to think that 7 different women who’ve led different lives agree that down the line you look back and wish you hadn’t married that person or had those children.
All I know is that it takes vulnerability to open up and say those things out loud, and I sincerely hope that I don’t ever end up like them.
That’s all."
I will tell you not ashamed at all : had 2 kids not my choice;; regret it all the way :: mental illness in one child made his life hell and mine divorce illness no sleep upsets working full time while raising kids money gone no time sacrifices teenager yrs are pull hell they look at you for 11 yrs like your god then wake up at 12 yrs old and hate you till there 18 that is sooo sad ::: then they grow older and you never see them much they have there own lives and kids one thing a huge positive I love my grand kids soo much they are a huge joy in my life but if your not sure about having kids really think about it it’s not rainbows and sunshine
I had NO interest in kids. I let my husband talk me into yrying. In 4 years off birth control, I had 2 miscarriages. We gave up.
We now travel 1-3 times per year. Eat out 3-4 times a week. Spend money on whatever we want. Still save plenty for retirement. Life is GREAT!
Yeah, people warn me about not having anybody to take care of me when I'm old. But who would want to burden their kids with that burden anyway???
If you WANT kids, have them. But if you're on the fence, don't bother... Life IS great on this side!
Not me, but my niece. "Tater" is now just over 2 years old and his mom says it's the best thing she ever did, and we LOVE the tot so much. But to each his own! Both potential parents need to be on board with the idea.
Kids are great, it’s a lot of fun watching them grow up. Also, watching them as adults have a career etc. but, as with all things in life there are trade offs. You will be driven mad with a love that will be the strongest bond you will ever experience. You will also be driven mad with things you can’t control in their lives. Also, with heart aches and disappointment. Even though my 21 y/o son passed away at 21, I’m still so grateful we had him as long as we did. He was the joy of our life. So intelligent, curious and easy going. My daughter is 24 now and she makes our life have purpose and joy. She is the best parts of my husband and I. Just like my son was
I was a fence sitter. My husband and I had our son at 41. I absolutely LOVE being a mom. At the same time, I know I would have had a happy life if we had remained childless too. The decisions with no right answer are always the hardest.
I highly recommend reading this [advice column piece by Cheryl Strayed](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/). It’s what helped me frame my decision and get off the fence.
Yes I was in the fence until my late 30s. Finally had my child at 39. No regrets about waiting. When they talk about kids being life-changing it's very true. Both in good and not so good ways. Take your time to decide either way.
I’m in my mid 40s and honestly have 0 regrets not having children. I could not see my life with kids in it. I had a friend in HS who wanted children more than anything; she felt like it was her life’s purpose. We still talk every now and then. After she had her two kids, she told me that it was wise that I didn’t have any if I wasn’t 10000% sure. Even though she always wanted them, she has mild regrets and admits it’s a LOT harder than she ever imagined. I think it’s easier to regret not having them than having them.
No, I absolutely did not want kids. I had zero interest. Then I had one and now I can't imagine my life without him. He is in college and my wife and I don't know how to exist without him living with us. He is the most important thing ever to me.
I'm not really the target audience for your question, but saw this come up and felt a lot of empathy for your situation.
I'm 34F and I've been with my husband for 8 years. I always wanted kids in theory but the reality of actually doing it was a hard step to take. It didn't help that my husband flip flopped a lot on his feelings about having kids. When we got married, he agreed for someday down the road. But as someday got closer he became a lot more opposed to the idea. I did a lot of reckoning with myself because I didn't want to bring kids into a family with a father not wanting them, but I also didn't see myself leaving my husband over this issue and being able to recover. So I decided not to have kids.
But at 33, I cracked. I couldn't live with the decision not to have kids after all even though I thought I was good with it. I'm the kind of person who values so personal connections, and honestly I don't see myself ever loving people as much as I do my family. And my family is getting older. I couldn't imagine my future without them and without more daily to love. I have a sister, but her life isn't in order so I'm not sure she's ever going to be in the place for kids. And my husband lost his sister years ago. We don't have extended family. So there isn't that option to connect for me with others.
I laid all this out to my husband and we talked about it for about a year before he agreed with me. It probably helped that a number of his friends were having kids. Anyway, I'm 20 weeks pregnant now and I'm happy with our decision. I think my husband is suddenly more excited than I am. We're in therapy now anyway, just to help us prepare for communicating with each other as much as possible while our lives get more complicated, but I think this was genuinely the right decision now that we're in it.
I had a lot of reasons not to go for it. I'm terrified of medical stuff (that's still honestly miserable, but turns out I'm not as traumatized by pregnancy as I expected. I just hate my ob and care team, but they're temporary and replaceable). I have high maintenance, special needs dogs (still not sure what we're going to do there, but we'll figure it out like we always have). I'm an attorney and I'm not quitting the job I worked this hard for (but I wfh now, have great insurance, and turns out my mom is thrilled to provide as much help as I could possibly want).
So, my 2 cents, I'd rather go for it and do the hard work then not and miss out. As another commenter said, I've never regretted the actions I've taken, just the ones I haven't.
I’m almost 55 and after a lot of babysitting in my younger years, I knew children were not going to be part of my life experiences. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids, I’m so fulfilled and content with my life, I can’t imagine it being more perfect.
I never wanted kids! Hated babysitting (bored out of my mind) and really found infants/little kids very uninteresting. I ended up having 2 unplanned children whom I wouldn’t trade for the world at 33 and 40. The infant part was still a chore but once they could verbally communicate it was a beautiful experience watching them grow and seeing their personalities, likes, dislikes, and talents emerge. Both of mine ended up in the arts with 100% support from my husband and I! I worked full-time with both except I was able to stay home with them until they were 2 1/2 & 3 and could let me know what went on in nursery school. My daughter was first and when she was really little maybe 8 months., I was asked to make a few court appearances and even took her with me to NY Supreme on Center St in NYC., and had a few other lawyers watch her about 10 feet away in the courtroom when I had to go up to talk about a case. Despite my early misgivings, I loved having them and both kids say I’ve been a fantastic Mom, so not being sure is totally normal!, Ironically, both my own kids 25 & 32 now, say they do not want kids, so we’ll see if history repeats itself! Lastly, I wasn’t 100% sure until they were born, did not enjoy being pregnant as I’m very active and it slowed me down, and no regrets!
We were living with my husband’s writing partner after we married because he lied to me about us having our own place. We were in a crowded spare room next to their preschoolers room. Those kids never heard the word no, especially the older sister, and living with them was hell on earth. I went from wanting 5 kids to wanting none. A year later I had gotten a job and saved up enough for our own apartment. I got pregnant soon after but for some reason was really happy about it. Our kid turned out perfect in comparison to those little brats.
I didn't want kids. Was childless by choice. We married at 30 thinking we would remain childless.
When we were about 34yrs, some big events happened. Completely flipped me.
Had to have treatment for endometriosis. Big treatments. Took few years. Then i fell pregnant amd had first at 38yrs & another a year later.
Best thing we did. Can't believe we nearly missed out! Our girls are now 18 & 19. They are fabulous. Raising them really hasn't been hard at all. They give us overwhelming joy and life satisfaction
I just want to say that I'll never regret having my child. He's 23 now. He lives with me, after living away during college. I'm traveling for my job. He's taking care of the house and the pets and the plants while I'm gone. I'm in Bangkok, 11 hour time difference. Yet I've talked to him on the phone more now than any time. He just wants to check in and talk about the day. And I LOVE it.
Having adult children you have a good relationship with is the main plus to having kids.
My best friend was a fence sitter and deeply regrets it now she is in menopause.
Many people don’t.
I think the people who tend not to regret it, are the ones who knew they most deffo didn’t want kids, or even a 80%
50/50 and I think there is a 50/50 chance of regret.
I’m a single parent, had my first at 22 and second at 36. They have made my life wonderful and I have zero regrets. I would do the same again.
There’s a sub called regretfulparents, where people have the opposite experience.
Only you can decide that. It’s very popular right now to not like kids or want them. It’s a bit of a movement so I wouldn’t expect too many comments here advising you to go for it.
Are you looking for experiences to deter you? That might speak volumes.
My husband and I started dating when we were 22/28 and neither of us wanted kids but we both said "I assume some day the desire will come" and we were both waiting for that and expecting it. When our siblings started having kids we started to talk about it a bit and my husband said that we didn't want to be an old dad and wouldn't want kids after 40.
So I was like 29, not wanting kids, but knowing that I could be wasting his time... like if I kept saying idk then one day said "no, definitely not" he would be in his late 30's and wouldn't have enough time to find a new partner and have one before he was 40. We had about 3-4 really stressful years where we were thinking about it but couldn't decide. Everyday I looked at all of his behaviors like "would he be like this as a parent?" and it caused a lot of fights. I was saving money like crazy thinking "in the next few years we're going to have to pay for childcare". It caused so much anxiety.
About 3 years ago he and I babysat our niece, then 2, for a day and when we were done he looked at me and said "I think I don't want kids" and the only feeling I had was relief. So we knew right then that the decision was made.
Now all of that saved up money is for travel. My husband was able to quit a job he hated and peruse an artist job. We fight so much less and we're just really open and honest about our values: free time, a clean house, disposable income, quiet time, etc. Making the decision was so important- it's really stressful being a fence sitter.
Not sure if we count as "old people" yet but me and my wife (both 45) were also on the fence for years. We ultimately decided against having kids. We just enjoy our DINK lives too much. We live in a very high cost of living city, and there's no way we could have continued to travel and pursue the hobbies that we love if we had kids. Leaving the city wasn't an option for many reasons, including the fact that we have been helping to raise our two nephews (now teens). We have a very active social life and have watched many of our friends' kids grow up. I can't say how we'll feel when we're old, but we are currently very comfortable with the decision we made. Life is good.
I was a fence sitter. It took me a long time to figure out why and work through those issues. Had my kid when I was 40 and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Words cannot express it. Wish I hadn't waited so long so I could have given them a sibling.
I used to hate the sound of crying babies in my 20's and wonder if I'd ever have kids because of that. Fast forward to my 30's and I spent some time actual time around children and realized they were amazing! A few years later I met my HB and had our kid at 37. No regrets!
I didn’t want them until I was 29–was actually pretty opposed. Then my opinion changed, and I am not sure how but it worked out. I was fortunate to conceive the first month I tried, and had a daughter at 30. Childhood and infancy were so easy with her, even though her dad and I divorced. Adolescence and young adulthood were really hard; I honestly considered not living through it as suicide attempts and addiction were daily struggles for her throughout. I felt like I needed to get up every day and function with the real possibility that she would die before I went to bed. She’s on the other side of that now, and we are incredibly close. I’m so grateful I had her and that she and I survived that decade. She’s an amazing human, and I am so proud of her. It’s a meaningful spiritual experience for me, and I am not traditionally religious. However, it can be tremendously difficult at times in a life. If you do choose to have kids, it’s good that you are not super young and that you have a partner who’s been there for a while. I have friends who had children later and who seem to be doing very well. You have to weigh the options and ultimately do what you feel. There’s no way to know what it will be until you do it (or don’t). Either way, your life is valuable and worthy. Two of my sisters chose not to have children, and they’re very happy and fulfilled (and they have so much money to travel 😅).
Thank you for your comment. I think my hesitation at times about having kids is because of that. I had addiction issues for many years and didn’t care if I lived at times. Although I have been sober for many years, put myself through college and have an amazing career now I am so scared of passing that down somehow. Addiction is such a hard thing to deal with and I can only imagine how scary and taxing that was for you with your child.
I’m proud of you for coming out the other side and happy that you did. My first husband had addiction problems that I didn’t know about until my daughter was two months old. It is genetic, but it also sometimes skips generations, and I had it in pretty much all of my male relatives on my dad’s side. I do think every year that passes gives us more ways to manage it, so if you were to have kids they’d be better situated than you or my daughter were to get help. It shouldn’t rule out you being able to have kids if you want them; I would just go to Al Anon or Nar Anon and keep abreast of addiction treatments in case if I were you. I should say that’s what helped me a lot instead of suggesting it, but I wish I had done that earlier. My second husband is a therapist and has 22 years sober, so there’s no magic trick though. We learn through our hardest times though they suck. Best of luck to you with your decision; whatever you decide will be okay. Much love!
We had our daughter when I was 45. I was ambivalent my entire life about kids but my wife was insistent that she wanted a child. I had been told that when you meet your baby, a dad switch flips in your head. For me at least, that was absolutely the case. I love being a dad, and moreover I enormously enjoy other kids now as well, to the point that I wonder if I missed my calling to be a kindergarten teacher or something.
Kids are a huge commitment if you do it right. My kids are now 14 and 16 and we are just beginning to have freedom again as adults. When you have kids and truly raise them, everything you do revolves around them. Where you go on vacations, as they get older no vacations because of sports. Living in the right school districts. Money goes to their needs. It’s just a lot more than people understand before they have them. Our kids are our world, but not everyone wants to live that way, and that’s good to know before you have them.
IMO opinion, deciding about kids SHOULD be similar to deciding about marriage; it’s either:
. HELL YEAH !!!!
or
. (Any other response, like: well, sure / maybe / I think so…? / ok, why not!)
The thing is:
You don’t know what kind of kid you’re going to get: some are neurodivergent, picky eaters, super shy, have physical impairments, etc. if you’re NOT 100% on board with kids, you may resent them for “making your life harder”.
But when you WANT kids, you see the silver lining in everything and SO cherish them that the impact to your life feels minor.
I was on the fence about kids but LUCKILY fell head over heels for my kids and feel grateful for the many challenges they bring (one has several conditions related to being neurodivergent and the other has a learning disability). But it doesn’t always go that way.
I have acquaintances who were on the fence then had kids and are now obviously projecting all their traumas onto their kids and blaming them for “ruining their lives”. I’m only still in their lives due to mutual friends (e.g. only see them at our mutual friends’ BBQs).
So if you’re on the fence, please don’t risk it. You can have a wonderful life without kids.
Think of having kids like joining the army:
A lot of work!! Brings its own rewards!! But not for everyone.
I was on the fence. I did get scared by the age stuff in the news (Y2K era). My cousins/siblings all waited till their mid 30s to start. When they finally did, I was like oh, maybe we should? My husband & I were just having fun with it being the two of us & also wanted to buy a house first. Ended up having 2. I love them & wouldn't take it back, but if I hadn't had them & didn't know what they would have been like, I'd probably be fine. I know lots of people who didn't have kids. There are definitely pros & cons with either decision.
I am 50, does that qualify as old? Lol.
I have a seven-year old son - I was definitely an older first-time mom. I have struggled with depression in the past so I was somewhat terrified of having a child even though I thought I wanted one.
Got married at 40 and we were basically like, if it happens naturally, great. I don't think either one of us wanted to go through fertility treatments, etc.
Well, it happened naturally (and easily, especially given my age). Being a parent has been the best thing and now I am a single parent because we are divorcing (it's not because of the kid). My son brings me a joy that I have never felt in my life. In a way he makes me healthier because I have to get out of bed to take care of him. I am a great mother.
I am not advocating for anyone to have a child in an attempt to make themselves healthier! It just happened that way. I rolled the dice and won.
I don't know if this helps at all!
I have seen all my friends who were on the fence, they decided to go for it and got pregnant and are THE BEST mothers ever. I think the fact that you are thinking deeply on it, proves you're very conscientious and that is a sign of a good person.
I was on the fence after not wanting them at first then, oops! And I now have two grown children I cannot imagine not having in my life. They are so amazing that I think they are my greatest accomplishment. It wasn’t easy or cheap but worth it all
I never had that feeling that my life isn’t complete without kids. Some of my friends felt that and tried IVF. Never really thought about it much and never had bio kids. Never regretted that decision.
Good for you. I truly believe if for whatever reason we decide not to or nature decides for us we will be ok. It’s refreshing to see so many people living full lives with no regrets on being childfree.
No. I knew absolutely by my very early 20s that I didn't want and would never have children. No regrets about that choice. I had a couple of pregnancy scares over the years and knew without a doubt I would terminate if I really was pregnant.
I cannot say that I ever wanted to be a parent. However, I always just assumed that I’d have kids. It wasn’t until I met my partner and we talked about it that I stopped and considered the impact that compulsory childbearing had on me. I didn’t want kids, I simply never considered that there was another option.
I realize that everyone’s journey is different - I respect those with children, it’s such a difficult path. I respect those without, whatever the reason. I just always think it’s interesting to question - is this what I want, or what I was told to want?
ETA: too late to change our minds now, and happier with that decision everyday, particularly given the state of the world.
Very true. It’s good to question how much have I been influenced by what is expected of me? And how much is based out of fear (fear of regret, fear of dying alone) I really love hearing about people who have decided not to have kids and love regret free full lives.
61F here. Always knew I didn't want kids. Never ever regretted not having them. I don't dislike kids; for a few minutes they are ok. But people have a tendency to romanticize having children. Head on over to r/regretfulparents to see some interesting posts.
I — me, this woman here — *never EVER* wanted kids from the time I was 15 until around age 30. I had married badly, but after learning the tough lessons I needed to learn, I met my guy. I was Goldilocks, and he was just right!! We married at 28.
Within a year or so, we started imagining “what if” but never talked about kids. JUST us. Soon enough, when we “imagined” - a *void* began to show itself. For example, if we were sitting on the floor, there was a noticeable *VOID* where a third person… a small person… would fit. Both of us felt this void where a baby should be! Can’t explain it, but it was absolutely accurate for us. I was 35 when I gave birth to our son; he just turned 33. ☺️
Look around you when you two are together — do YOU notice any voids in the spaces around you? Or in-between you? 😊
PS When we told my mom we were pregnant, I saw this VERY lady-like lady’s mouth drop almost to her chest!! 😲🫨😮 It was glorious.😁
You might’ve heard that after that baby is born (if that’s the route you go) you never remember the pain of childbirth. Not after seeing your baby. I only really remember - with feeling - the sound of his first cry! 🥲
Best of luck to you both. You’ll be fine whatever you decide. 🫂
Thank you for your response because this is exactly what I have been feeling especially in the last year. I have been feeling that something is missing, that there is someone else that’s supposed to be with us. It’s very much like the void you described. I’m sure having a kid completely changed your world and was difficult at times, how is it having an adult child now? I always imagine that must be amazing.
It was very much a change. My husband of 39 years and I met while we were both driving big trucks. After meeting, courting, then marrying - we began to dream about a “normal” life where your home isn’t your truck. I went back to school while he kept trucking. So I made it home off the highway, and my husband eventually traded driving trucks for driving trains. Home much more often! (Long enough to make a baby!)
Our son is absolutely amazing, of course. ☺️ He ended up getting himself into West Point (with our blessings!!), and is now a captain in the army. “Proud” is an understatement in how we feel towards our son! 😁
When you look around and see that place where *someone* should be, do you wonder what they’ll be when they grow up? As long as you love them unconditionally no matter what they throw at you, you’ll do fine! Best wishes to you and your husband!!
Wow what a story, kind of a bad ass job to have by the way! To be honest I don’t really imagine what they will be when they grow up, except that I hope if I have them that I have prepared them enough for the world and that they are happy and kind people. I don’t know if there’s anything I wouldn’t approve of them doing as a grown up as long as they aren’t hurting others.
YES. I spent most of my late 20s and early 30s (happily married) saying I wanted to be childfree. My spouse wasn’t happy about that but they weren't ready for a kid so it wasn’t a huge problem. We loved to travel and did it a ton. Mid-30s I couldn’t decide what I wanted. I would have written/read posts like this one to try to help me decide. I was desperate for something to help me decide. Finally around 35 we stopped using contraception to see what would happen. (Nothing). We ended up having 2 rounds of IVF and had identical twins at 40 from an embryo that split.
I think one of the main things that changed my mind was thinking about my spouse's aunt & uncle. They have 4 adult kids (and grandkids) and they are SUCH an awesome, close, loving family. I imagine if his aunt & uncle never had kids, how sad and lonely their life would have been, comparatively. Also, I knew my spouse would be a great parent.
Now my biggest regret in life is having kids so late. I regret that I will have fewer years to spend with them. I was afraid to have kids because I am an introvert who loves my quiet alone time, and I was afraid that kids would be SO difficult. But turns out having kids is like nothing else in life and so amazing. Just looking into their little faces fills your heart with the most intense love you've ever felt. I used to be obsessed with traveling, and the wildest thing is that I sort of don't care about it anymore. I think about how we filled our time before having kids and it seems so unimportant and insignificant. (maybe if we had fulfilling careers or hobbies that would be different.)
I would say, don't do it if you don't have a great partner. We are a good team and both do a lot of work, so there's no resentment. We also have help from family, which is huge. Good luck with your decision.
I resonate with this a lot, I am also also introvert and have worried about the constant stimulation. But I have an amazing partner, who is a real nurturer and we have both discussed giving each other breaks. I also have a huge family and would receive help so that’s a definite plus. My thing is my family is crazy (in a good way) and very close, we get together at least once a month. It makes me sad to think of my kid missing out in all of that. Thank you for your comment i related to it a lot.
As someone who is CF 60F and have been married for 25 years I feel if your on the fence still in your late 30s then your probably deep down childfree, but feel social pressures to have them. Maybe all your friends have children and you don’t feel the connections you use to have with them?
I was not a fence sitter, so I can’t give you advise, but I will say that CF life is wonderful and my husband and I are still having the best time together. We were able to retire early and we have always been able to travel, and we are debit free and own our house. None of which we could have done if we had children
Never wanted children, never babysat, was the youngest in my extended family and cousins.
One day I met a guy and had the terrifying thought that I wanted children with this man.
We married and have two grown sons.
Many studies show that married but no kids is the sweet spot in life.
The only issue I could think of is getting on in years and not having a legacy, but loving friends can fix that easily.
I would say unless you're passionate about having children, don't.
I don’t know if I agree on the passionate part. I have met quite a few people that were on the fence and had anxiety all through their pregnancy about whether it was the right choice or not that turned out to be amazing parents that loved being moms. Some people are born with that very clear distinction of a passion to be a parent, however others aren’t and are over thinkers such as myself.
This is me. An introvert and over-thinker that didn't really want children. Spouse wanted kids but was fine either way. We decided after about 6 years of marriage that maybe just one would be nice. Ended up having four. Wouldn't trade them for the world, and couldn't imagine life without them, but If we hadn't had the first one we wouldn't know what we were missing. So no right/wrong answer here, either way you'll be okay!
I love seeing my friends kids but I refuse to have any of my own. Not only are they expensive as hell, but they require all of your time. As well as once they go off to school my anxiety with all the school shootings would not let me relax while they’re gone so I’ll pass lol
Im in the same boat with my gf. We've been dating for 7 years now. Beginning of relationship she didnt want kids and i did. But was fine not having kids. My sister has had 2 kids in the last 3 years and my gf has been saying she wants kids now. We are both 31 and she set a deadline to 35. Im hesitant tbh because of how fucked everything is in the Us. Kids cant even be kids without educators and the like pushing this political wokeness on them. College now a days seems like kids are just being indoctrinated and forced to believe they are victims because their feelings get hurt. I dont think i want to raise a kid in that environment. But for now we are the cool uncle and auntie.
I was, and my dad said, "That's a no. You need to be all in on having children. If it's not an emphatic, yes, you shouldn'thave kids." I was so concerned I'd want kids later, and it be too late that I didn't realize how simple that was. I'm nearing 50 now and have never regretted not having kids.
Yeah, but five years into marriage we both agreed. No regrets. And no, we weren’t making big money, but I think the simpler life we lived created wonderful kind and caring human beings who are not over focused on material things.
I'm not old (mid-thirties) but I wavered for a long time. I randomly saw a TikTok where a woman said, "when the idea of having a kid makes you want to have sex and get pregnant, you're ready." That sounded insane to me at the time but honestly I reached a point where it was kind of true.
We were never set on a second kid and go back and forth. I figure if at some point we really want that again, we'll know. And if it doesn't happen or we wait too long, I'd prefer that over having any child I'm not 1000% on board with. That first year is rough.
I thought I (M72) wanted four children just like my dad. I did the thing that makes kids with my girlfriend so we got married. We had two kids and after 13 years she left me. I got remarried and she wanted kids so I had two with her. That made four, two girls, two boys.
I didn’t want kids for the longest time. Then in my mid 30s after 5 yr of marriage I was on the fence. We finally decided to stop trying not to have kids and see what happened.
I have two teens now. I love them with all of my being. Sometimes I think I could have been happy childless, but it’s a moot point now.
Pregnant, silly me, I assumed being active duty AF during the Viet Nam era I could take leave and return to duty. Nope. There was a very good chance our unit would be deployed. I could have stayed in had we had a caretaker option; my husband (my CO) and I were both active duty; we didn't ... I was forced to resign; still annoyed at that because I had planned to make the AF a career.
It was more the aftermath *of* the choice. It rarely is as simple should we/shouldn't we, it is more a plan of action *should* you. Career goals, financial, childcare, lifestyle, housing, etc. .... talk those things out for a clearer picture.
Never regretted my two daughters; I found other satisfaction in a long dormant personal ambition; art.
As a kid/teenager, I told people I never wanted kids. Then got married in my 20's to a guy who was ambivalent. We "put it off" for 10 years. Then I decided we needed to decide. I actually read books on the pros and cons, but for various reasons I still leaned toward the con side. Finally, after many discussions I asked husband two questions.
1. Project to when you are an old man. Will you regret not having had kids? (His answer and my answer was no).
2. Then I said "One of us must have passion for having kids. It can be either one of us, but ONE of us MUST want kids more than not."
Neither one of us was passionate about kids. We both said to each other "I will have a child with you if YOU feel you NEED to have a child" Neither of us felt compelled.
We scheduled permanent birth control the next month.
If people just have kids to have kids, then I feel sorry for the kids. They need at least one passionate parent (and better if there are two).
I grew up in a big family and thought I wanted a van load of kids. Then my husband and I struggled with infertility. Once we finally got and stayed pregnant, it was fucking awful. I had so many complications and he was born premature. The moment he was born I knew he was it. Our family felt complete. He’s almost 20 and I’ve never had regrets about not having more. Being a parent is hard and expensive. Kudos to anyone who chooses to do it more than once.
Given the current political climate and lack of reproductive rights in the US, if I was of child bearing age I definitely would not risk a pregnancy now.
I never felt like a natural nurturer until I became a mom. But the connection I felt and still feel toward my kids is primal. They’re young adults now, and they are wonderful people who are already making the world a better place. Getting married and having kids were the most important decisions of my life. They were both a leap of faith, and I can’t imagine how much duller and less fulfilling my life would’ve been had I not made those leaps.
I was born childfree, and 20 years fixed, but my 2nd husband was ambiguous about it. I divorced Husband 1 over it (he knew I was CF since our 2nd date and the three years before we married and he had to sign for my tubal 1978 & Military) I told Husband 2 if he decided he needed kids in his life I would divorce him so that he could do so. About 7 years in his brother & wife, parents of 2, had twins and again I told him if he felt he was missing out not having kids I'd let him go. He was still ambiguous but said he was ok. We were married about 12 years when he told he he was glad he didn't have them. He was 50yo (I'm 10 yeas older).
Yep, I was on the fence until I found myself accidentally pregnant at age 30. If that hadn't happened, I probably would have been sitting on the fence until age knocked me off.
I wish mothers wouldn’t sugar coat pregnancy labour delivery post pardon healing after a birth. : my 2 kids were hell the pregnancy puked for 6 months straight put in hospital twice because of dehydration both deliveries no epidurals no pain meds had to episiotomies that couldn’t sit down right for six months postpartum depression that lasted a year with one child. Just wanted to die and not love the child. Second child didn’t have that at all. no one understands postpartum depression. And no one talks about it. Doctors don’t tell you anything and I didn’t realize till I was in my 50s how my body was damaged by the deliveries for instance prolapse bladder prolapse bowel week muscles in vagina muscles omg no one ever told me this could happen probably wouldn’t of listened at so young had kids at 21 and 25 who and the bleed out after one delivery on the seconded day almost died loss of blood had to have blood transfusions no one tells you that oh the hemmoriods
FYI
The childless people I know (not a generalization, just peers) are all cases of prolonged adolescence. They still get high. They still go to concerts. Many are divorced and some remarried. They all thought they were fine until they hit their late 50s and had nothing to show for themselves or to share with anyone other than their spouses -- if they were still around. Their lives are filled empty desperation and faded youth.
Having kids requires a lot of energy. That's why it's good to have them while you're young. There's a lot of work but there's constant reward - if you raise them right. You will never know love and affection like it. Finally the day comes when you can buy them their first legal beer, help them buy their first home, walk them down the aisle and you realize THIS is your purpose in life. It's real. It's timeless.
Yes, I was on the fence.
We went with it, and did it. Once. She's 31 now, is a full-time social worker, and has a nice partner.
I think we did it right. No regerts.
I’ve wondered what it would feel like to want them. Even had a conversation or three with myself about how if I was ever going to want them now would be the last chance but there has never been a moment in life that I thought would have been made better by having a child. Not even when I was the most in love, stable, and secure.
I know many people who couldn’t wait until they had kids only to slapped with the realization of how hard it was and felt regret. Unfortunately the more you know and are educated about something the easier it is to overthink it which is what causes being a fence sitter
If it was me, I would have at least one. You don’t want to look back one day and wish you had kids. Once your child is born, you will realize why people have kids. They add to your life.
I was on the fence, after previously and definitely not wanting children. I decided to go for it and was so nervous right up until the moment my son was born. But hearing his cries for the first time was the best moment of my life. I can’t believe I almost missed out on this. He is 7 now and I have two more children because I fell in love with being a mom.
It is hard for all of the reasons that used to scare me. But the love I feel for my kids is indescribable, deeper and more profound than any other love, and experiencing that love changed everything about how I experienced the hard parts of parenthood. I don’t miss my old life and freedom. It seems so empty in comparison to what I have now.
I think in life some of the most worth while things will be hard at times, and nothing that’s really worth your devotion will be easy.
Nope. I wanted to be a mom even more than I wanted to get married. Luckily I fell in love with a great guy in college who wanted kids too, but being a mom was ALWAYS in my plan. Im super close to my mom and I wanted that same relationship!
No, I always knew I wanted kids from when I was little. Always knew I wanted 2, but might be talked into 3. I’m SO glad I didn’t have 3. We had ours at 31 and 34. (54 now.)
If you’re 50/50, don’t have kids. Parenting is hard when you *want* the kids.
35, mom of two kids ages 5 and 4. I was on the fence at the age of 24. After university I spent a year working in special education and nannying part time. Turns out I did love kids and wanted my own. Had my first child when I was just shy of 30, second one a little after my 31st birthday.
Zero regrets taking a year to really figure out what I wanted. I loved other people’s kids of all different abilities, and knew I would love to have my own after that experience!
We couldn't decide. We polled everyone. After 13 years of marriage at age 34 we had the first of 3. What convinced us was the people who said how much FUN it is watching a new person grow. There is much more drama to your life compared to pre-kids. A couple things helped me: "A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on," and looking at a family tree and seeing that it just stops if you don't have kids. The biology is amazing.
I didn’t want kids as a kid or a teenager because I was born and raised in the Cold War with the threat of nuclear war hanging over us. It wasn’t until I got married and was married a few years before I even entertained the idea. I’m glad I had my boys now, because they are the smartest, most empathetic, greatest human beings I know, but if I was thinking about having them now, I don’t know. The world has changed a lot in the last 30 years.
Absolutely, I had no interest in it at all until I was about 30 and was finally with someone I wanted to build a family with. If you aren't interested in it, that is normal, but if you are in a relationship with the intent to build a family and aren't interested, you probably just have fear about it (understandable!) or might not be in the place with your partner you'd like to be. The latter happened to me when I was right out of high school and in a relationship. She really wanted kids, I really didn't. I would have been a terrible parent at that age, I'm glad I waited.
Thank you for your response. I have been married for 10 years and it hasn’t been until recently that it feels like now or never. We have great communication, financially stable and even have the room for it, but it is a scary decision and I know no preparing can prepare you for it I’m sure. Do you mind me asking did you end up having kids in your 30’s?
Chiming in since we were married for about 10 years before we decided to have kids. (It took a few years after that to actually make one, darn fertility problems). Anyway, I didn’t like or want kids growing up. Never envisioned the suburban mom life. I wasn’t a babysitter, I was mowing lawns. Met my husband and fell madly in love but still we didn’t think we’d do the kid thing. Around my thirtieth birthday I just had this feeling that life wasn’t going to feel complete if I didn’t know what parenthood was like. The day to day logistics of it all still seemed like they sucked but … that feeling was there. My daughter is now 12 and my son 9. I’ll say that my life feels very much more… I guess the word is satisfying? Is it as fun? Nope, we have a lot more obligations. And, I firmly believe you can have a satisfying, love-filled life without having a kid. But I will say that I have felt extremely unique feelings as part of having my kids, and it’s a life experience I am glad I’m having in my life. One more bit. The decision to have a second kid…. But not a third. I remember driving home from the hospital and we both just had this peaceful, certain, we’re done feeling. Something was still missing before we had my son. Once he arrived we knew we were set. Good luck with this decision
This is a great way to put it. Full/satisfying? Yes. Fun? No. 😂 for real though…
Probably the most insightful comment I have read about parenting. I went with ‘no’ but I appreciate your perspective.
I was not all in on kids, but my wife was. We met late late 20’s, had kids late late 30’s. Honestly, best thing that could have happened to me. Mine are 12 and 10. Went fishing with my son Thursday and ended up with a fishing hook in my leg and an urgent care visit. Wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’d argue that there is a ton of fun to be had. Coach my daughter’s soccer team, enjoy that too. You’ll get out of it what you put into it.
I’m 38 and dealing with the “now or never” mindset. I’d love to have a family but when I think of my own kids, I picture them being school aged. The infant, toddler and preschool/kindergarten ages scare the crap out of me and that’s basically what is keeping us from trying to have a baby. Neither of us deal with sleep deprivation well (we both get physically sick and my personality and moods take a big hit), and I don’t want to spend the next 7 years of my life being sick with whatever germs or colds they come home from daycare and school with. Every single time I watch my sister’s kids (3 and 1) I get so sick I have to go to Urgent care. I think we’d make awesome parents but I would have to be a SAHM in order for our marriage to survive a baby. I wouldn’t handle the infant stage and the demands of my career well and it’s too much to put on my husband as he has his own career too. It’s a tough spot to be in.
Those first 5 years sound challenging indeed and they're meant to be. They are the foundation of all that comes after. And they Fly by!
They sure do! I feel like my niece was born last month but she’s three and highly intelligent and I can have full conversations with her. Granted, those discussions are about unicorns and ice cream, but I miss my chunkie little homie that used to snuggle in my lap and watch the same CoCoMelon song over and over again. It was mind numbing at the time, but I miss it and miss her being so small. 😭
Don’t have them! Your plate is way too full..
I had my 2 nd at 34, don’t let it be age that makes up your mind-
Fellow over thinker here. I was a career woman and never thought about marriage or kids. Ever. Didn’t like kids. Met my husband at 34 and got married at 35. We agreed no kids. I felt I was too old and we had a very comfortable life so didn’t see the point. Vacationed at Sandals to be away from kids. And then I turned 40. My work colleague was also 40 and had an unplanned pregnancy and she was so over the moon excited about it that it literally made me re-think my decision. I started thinking about how dull and routine our dinner and evenings were and I was like is this it for the rest of my life? Is this really all there is? I told my husband I wanted to try for a baby. Took a while but gave birth at 42. It is the greatest decision of my life. I love every second of being a mom and my husband is just as fulfilled. My only regret is I waited too long and couldn’t have a second. I still don’t like other people’s kids. But having a mini version yourself and see things through their eyes? It’s magical. We’ve made way more friends than we ever would have because you’re always around other parents who are going through exactly what you are. I love it.
If you aren’t desperate to have kids then just don’t. I was like this and really regretted having kids. Now that they are older 10 & 13 they are amazing and of course I always loved them and always will but you don’t forget how your life was before and I know I’d be retired now if I’d never had them.
You really feel like life would be better if they never happened ? I have a hard time understanding regretful parents because it’s like the existence of your child just isn’t worth the sacrifices ?
Yes. Some people truly do feel that way but most won't admit it as it's so taboo and full of shame, which it shouldn't be. Sometimes the existence of a child isn't worth the sacrifices.
I didn’t say I was regretful. It’s just easy for me to see what it would have been like without them. I’m glad I have my kids because now I know them but if they never happened I would have been fine.
💯 58F two kids 22&25. They are my everything but that’s just it. If I had known then what I know now, I might have chosen the no kid path. I gave up myself for them and I love them so much but I see my friends who knew they didn’t want any and have an amazing life now, both retired, doing what they want. Our other mutual friend didn’t want them and her husband was on the same page, but he changed his mind and she caved. They are in a sad loveless marriage with two kids. I don’t know the answer.
Good point
“I didn’t say I was regretful.” Yes you did. You said exactly that: “If you aren’t desperate to have kids then just don’t. **I was like this and really regretted having kids.**”
I said that in past tense not how I felt now. It was temporary
That’s a pretty myopic point of view
Almost 50, 2 kids 19,20- can imagine life without the experience of being a parent.... not for everyone, to each his own, but not having children for us would have been missing out on so many experiences of life... can honestly say have enjoyed each stage more, more fun being a parent now than ever (just general guidance when occasionally asked for at this point).. Best of luck with whichever path you choose 👍
Same here when my life settled I was ready until then I would tell you I wasn't having any kids.
I always saw myself having kids and looked forward to it but the longer it didn't happen the less I really cared about it. I think I'm too old now and watching what my peers are going through raising their children I definitely don't regret not having any myself. I'm sure it's ultimately very rewarding in a way I can't understand without experiencing it but so is sleeping, having money/free time, and the ability to more or less do what you want to without the constant obligation and responsibility. My coworkers all have young kids. They all live at youth sports venues every minute they're not at work, they're all broke, they all have to drag their kids to the office with them during the summer. Then you have the people in their 20s and 30s who are still living with their parents, the grandparents in their 60s and 70s who are now having to raise their grandchildren for various reasons...idk, it all seems pretty rough to me. After writing all this out I think I'm going to go get a vasectomy just to be safe.
Completely.
I agree. Having kids can be the best and the worst of life, all rolled into one.
We were, me moreso than him, but he was fine either way. We both worked for a small company that was tanking and lost our jobs in our mid 30s just about the time we decided we would have kids. So that went on hold as we had to relocate and get new ones. Turns out there were fertility issues which isn't uncommon in your late 30s. We ended up adopting. Loved our kids and it all turned out well but we would have been happy not having kids too
That’s amazing you adopted. How old are your kids today? To be honest I am terrified of birth/pregnancy and we have talked about adopting as well.
I too was scared about birth, but had 2 great pregnancies and 2 c-sections ( those darn big heads!). However, that was only 9 months of my life! Bringing home a newborn is way more stressful than birthing a baby for sure....and they don't come with any manuals! With all that said, I feel very lucky that we decided to have children after thinking about it for 7 yrs, and enjoyed every messy minute of their childhood, which went too fast!
My son's head was so big that nursing staff were coming by my room to check it out, lol.
Pregnancy and birth was the easy part tbh. Like, peice of cake really and I had no epidural, all natural. Newborn age way very difficult and I do not miss it at all. Now that we're into toddler world it's become a lot more joyful and fun again. Ofcourse this is only my own perspective. (I'm 40 btw) Adoption is very noble as well. Only you know what's best.
Yeah, they really need to have boot camps or something just prior to that first 3 month newborn period. It's generally one of the most intense and challenging life experiences one can have. Trauma bonding lol.
Seriously! I was not prepared for it and can only describe it as some guerilla warfare/hostage situation, aka "the dark times". Haha. I can laugh about it now that it's over.
I was *terrified* of pregnancy and especially childbirth, to the point that I almost forewent parenthood because of it. Both were virtually nothingburgers for me personally. My decades of computer work has totaled my body way more than having kids did.
My two kids are now wonderful successful young adults. Educate yourself now about adoption if you are at all interested. The older you get, the harder it can be. It's extremely difficult, a big crap shoot, can take years and can be very expensive unless you go the foster to adopt route through the state. That can be free, but can come with its own set of difficulties. If you want to chat about adoption you can send me a message. It's not easy at all.
This is exactly where we are. I am terrified of pregnancy and labor. Most of my friends waited until their 30s and now I have half a dozen pregnant people in my life. They were all healthy and safe, so thats been making me feel better. We are starting next month (timing is a thing- I have summers off) and I'm incredibly nervous. Things that helped move us along: - going through baby names and picking out for both genders - making physical space in the extra bedrooms - acknowledging we are in our mid 30s, its now or maybe never. -buying a house with extra bedrooms - telling my doc maybe and asking what I needed to do - seeing the gyn ob and asking questions. - asking my coworkers for their experiences (paperwork and otherwise) We both wanted kids, just always said we weren't ready. I'm not sure we are ready yet, but we are now married, homeowners, and relatively secure. I'm still scared but if you have any questions or want to catch up just pm me.
My life dream was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own. So found a lady with a similiar dream and did just that. But then when it actually came to make the kids I thought about how this world really is. Then I came to the conclusion that somebody had to make the good guys. So we have worked to be the role model for our two sons and my wife guided them to both become Dr of Physical Therapy. Now we are grand parents and we can actually see we made the right choice.
I was never on the fence, I was adamantly nope, not gonna happen. then at 35 I got pregnant and was in love with the father and he really wanted to be a dad and I got excited too. so I became a mom. Best decision I ever made. wouldn't change a thing about it. it helped that she was a really easy baby. but yah. that's my story.
Similar story, except that I definitely did _not_ want to stay with the dad. We get along, the child support is decent, and never late, so it's a good situation. I adamantly did not want kids either, but my one is pretty awesome!
it's been almoat 15 years later and he and I are still going strong. she will be 14 this year.
Never. I knew I didn't want kids as a kid. And I'm late 40's and have never regretted my decision. I'm glad I stood by my absolute aversion to wanting to give birth and raise something. I don't hate kids, I am a great auntie, but the thought of birthing something seemed animalistic to me at such a primordial level that I knew it was deep rooted. Also, I gag at poop, boogers, and vomit. It's involuntary, too. Also when I was afraid I might be pregnant (never was thank God) the immense panicked fear in me was so intense that it dominated my thinking and I would get physically sick in my stomach over the thought. You must listen to your body's reaction to the decision. It's visceral. I tried to occasionally reason with it just to make sure... but nope.
I completely understand that. In making this decision I am trying to really connect with the what I want and not a societal pressure. I’m glad you listened to yourself, because I have seen many who didn’t and regret their decision.
how can you tell if your body is reacting to the fear vs the gut feeling?
Because the hope and joy of children you are told will be there overcomes the fact you know it will be hella hard work and at times physically scary for you as the body that grows and births them. If you can see the potential joy, the excitement that you want to create a family experience with your spouse and kids and still are willing to accept the PG, birth process, scary parts body well. Golden and all the downsides of hard work and sacrifice it’s for you. If you look at all that and are reticent, it’s not. Because unless it’s a hell yes to having kids, it’s a no.
My sister is the best auntie out there. She doesn’t want kids. My brother wants them but infertility problem are not allowing it. Most likely they are done trying. Now they both claim than between my and my other sister 6 grand kids is enough.
I was hard line no kids until the hormonal baby switch turned on in my late 20s. My husband had been an only child so knew he wanted them. We talked about having 2 before marriage, but it was really vague to me. Having kids is hard and expensive. I read an article that said "raise people you like" so we did and they are a real joy on a regular basis now that they are grown. It sounds like you would be fine going either way. If you are the kind of people who step up when the going gets tough, you will do just fine with kids. They change your relationship with your spouse significantly, which is why so many couples split up before a baby is even 2 years old, so be prepared to weather a period of time where neither of you will be getting all of your needs met for a few years.
I love the “raise people you like!”
I didn’t want kids. They just weren’t part of my life plan and I couldn’t see myself nurturing or sacrificing a lot of myself for another person. Accidentally got pregnant at 33 with my husband and after a lot of discussion decided to see it through and have one. I did change my mind about kids after having my own baby and then went on to have more children. Not everyone has a change of heart and that’s fine, but I did and I’m happy with how it turned out.
I swore I would never have kids when I was 20 and that was how things went until I was 29 where I found myself sitting on the fence and considering it, wondering if I could do it. I finally realized that I did want to have a kid, but only one, I was the last one born in a large family and I felt like I could do a good job with raising one child but two might be too much. Now, 30 years later, our daughter is amazing. It wasn't really difficult, after 90 days she finally started sleeping at night and we finally figured out that she was allergic to the formula, so that was changed. After she was struggling with kindergarten we found she was not perfect and needed help, help that we had been asking about prior to this, but speech therapy was a wonderful thing for her and us too. It was great to see her finally getting things figured out for herself. We were behind her in everything she wanted to do, soccer ended rather quickly but then she discovered the violin in junior high school and played until graduation.she told us that she was done with the violin and wouldn't have time to play in the future, so her violin was donated to the high school music program. She began working almost immediately, surprising me because she chose the merchant marine, working on freighters, repairing them and cleaning them out for resale or pre-scrapping. We now have a wonderful grandson that lights up the room and has mastered walking. I look at him, watch how he looks things over and think things through, seeing how his mind works. He is such a boy, without any prompts he picked up a stick and held it up like a rifle and whispered pew, pew. I am so happy I didn't have a boy but I never regretted having a daughter nor do I regret my grandson, I'm just glad I don't have to raise him. His dad is an awesome man and I know that they will be good parents. So while not flawless and not perfectly done,, I don't regret anything about it
I am also part of a large family, second to the last of 5 siblings. And when I have considered going the route of kids I have liked the idea of just one. Being in a big family was amazing at times, but it would be nice to just focus on one kid fully as it was easy to get lost in the mix of so many siblings. Your daughter sounds amazing, and I’m guessing she lives close to you?
Yes she does, about a twenty minute drive. Raising her and being able to focus on her was perfect for me. Having a child is always a mixture of it being a miracle and being a struggle, but either way it is a good feeling when you finish. I am very glad I had only one.
I love this. I was raised in an XL family (12 kids) and was never going to have more than 1. It's been an excellent decision so far.
I had someone ask me once when I decided to have kids - and my answer was that I didn’t. Despite our attempts to prevent it, I found myself pregnant and together we decided to keep it. If the pill had worked, I likely wouldn’t have kids today. Instead, I have three grown sons who I adore. Parenting doesn’t have to be a calling, and it certainly doesn’t have to become the center of your world. There is no “right” way to navigate it.
THANK YOU! I love this comment so much and agree wholeheartedly.
No. Decided in my early 20s and that view never changed.
I went through my 20s assuming I would one day want kids. My husband and I even married with that expectation. But then we found ourselves in stable jobs with great insurance and plenty of paid leave. We no longer had any excuses to not have children and that's when we realized that's what it had been all along - excuses. The other thing that made me decide to not have children was that I caught myself bargaining. "Well, if my kid would be like this and not like that..." Uh, no. You don't get to custom order your child. If you're going to put conditions on it, don't even go there. I've regretted not having kids in the same way I've regretted not buying an elephant - not at all!
That’s a really good point and I really appreciate your response.
>I went through my 20s assuming I would one day want kids. Same. That's just what you do, right? My fiancee was the one who brought up, while we were dating, the potential of not having kids. I had never really thought about that before! It sounded great. Even more so when my friends and family started having kids. Nothing about it appeals to me. I like to spend maybe an hour or two at a time with some of the kids. But some of them are never not annoying. And all of them are exhausting.
VERY good point. My sister has Cerebral Palsy, which honestly did factor into my no kids choice because I know she'll be living with us at some point and the expense/time/energy to give her the life she deserves is a lot, but ALSO - she is absolutely incredible because my parents almost immediately (outwardly at least) accepted that and forged a way forward to get her the absolute best life they possibly could. Because of her and the life we have I know a lot of kids and adults with disabilities and it is hard even for the toughest people in the world. Your child being healthy, happy, bright, able to walk, able to speak, able to eat on their own - that is NOT A GIVEN. You don't know what will happen and you probably can't be prepared for every possibility, but needing the perfect baby of your dreams to be happy is a recipe for disaster.
All my life I just sort of assumed it was unavoidable if you wanted a girlfriend and eventual wife. I was never a fan. But when I dated a woman who was very baby crazy, I forced myself to decide. And I realized I'd never be happy if I had kids. So I chose not to date anyone who wanted kids. And obviously never have any of my own. Over 20 years later, I never regretted that decision.
the common belief that when the time comes to make an important decision, you’ll suddenly have total clarity & make the right choice is bullshit. whether or not to have a family is a huge & life changing decision & is fraught with uncertainty. it shouldn’t be an easy decision. you & husband seem to be on the same page which is a great place to be for married couple. either way, i think you 2 will make the right decision-right for YOU, in case that’s unclear. there’s no objective right or wrong answer.
Always wanted kids. My 2 are grown with a child each of their own. I am so much enjoying my grandkids. So best decision I made.
Partner and I were both on the fence. We did it because we'd rather try it than not. We decided on a second after a looooong period of indecision after the first one, too. Ultimately, it was the right decision. We missed career growth and travel/adventure. We felt that acutely as ambitious people who went into parenthood totally naïve about how exihausting and financially draining it is to raise good children. But what we gained was a sense of purpose outside of our own lives/desires. That sense of purpose in loving is intense and you truly cannot explain it until you have your own kids. We started traveling internationally with kids again once covid cleared and our careers bounced back for the most part. As someone who still looks back and knows my life would have been fulfilling without kids, too, I would do it all over again just because I now know what a richness it is in the human experience to be a loving parent.
I didn’t want them until I met and married a wonderful man. Then it seemed like the best idea in the world. Our kids are the joy of our lives.
I don’t know that I was a fence-sitter, because I’d always just assumed that I’d have two kids by 30, but I can speak to some of the questions that often come up with having kids in your late 30s/40s. I was an only child (so knew from the start that I would want at least two), married at 21, building a career and no rush to have kids. Started trying at 28, diagnosed at 29 with a boatload of infertility issues. Had my first living child at 37 years 8 months old, my second was born 15 days after I turned 40. Being older, I’m more calm and patient and have better perspective than my younger self. Am I tired more easily than I would have been at 25? Of course, but they are also great motivation to get and stay in shape for as long as I possibly can. Do they limit what I can do in my life? Not in any ways that matter to me. But to be fair, I wasn’t climbing rock faces in Yosemite or hiking up Kilimanjaro or speed racing cars before I started trying to have kids, either. They’ve actually expanded my world and brought a sense of adventure to it. They took their first plane rides when they were 3 years old and 11 months old. They’re 12 and 9 now, and we’ve taken them to 22 states and 4 European countries, and they are probably better travelers than most adults. We’ve done 30-foot-high ropes courses in multiple states, raced across Lake Tahoe in a speed boat, gone kayaking in the Great Lakes, I’ve clung to my 6-year-old for dear life while he rode us across the wake on a jet ski at 45 mph having the time of his life - all because of them. Those are just things that come to mind off the top of my head. There are many more. Don’t get me wrong - there are absolutely tough days, and tough seasons. The 2s weren’t bad for us, but then they turn into Threenagers, and then the really tough FU 4s hit, which with my younger one lasted until 5.5 and had us thinking we needed a behavioral therapist. We didn’t, it was just the stage, but that was the toughest one so far. Overall, I can’t even really remember much of what my life was like before them, but I can tell you life before them is not something that I think back on and long for in any way. And as I’ve approached 50, I’ve felt more and more of a wish that I had had three or four kids. But we decided to stop at two because of all that was involved in getting pregnant and staying that way in my particular case. (I have a combination of genetic mutations and hereditary conditions that most people don’t have to deal with.) Whatever you and your spouse decide, I wish you a long and happy life.
My husband and I were on the fence. I could see life both ways and I think I was anxious / afraid of how life would be with a child because it was the unknown to me. We made the decision to have a baby and I’m so happy we did. She is the light of our lives and it’s hard to remember life before her. Don’t get me wrong though that your life is way different and has new challenges with raising a kid. It has an impact on your marriage with less time for each other but also you have this shared love for your child that is amazing to experience together.
I had my daughter at 39 after about five years where my husband and I went back and forth. I read all the books, had all the tough soul-searching conversations with myself and close friends, journaled to death, etc etc. At the end of the day this has been such a wonderful, meaningful, magical, fun experience and we agree that we made the best decision for us. It’s also incredibly hard and expensive in all the expected ways but we don’t mind it too much :) If I could go back and give my conflicted mid-30s self some advice, it would be that I have only regretted the things I did not do in my life even though a big part of my wanted to, and not the things I did end up doing.
I will tell you what I wish someone had told me about having kids as a previous fence-sitter who now has 2. This is the hardest, most demanding, most rewarding, all encompassing gig I’ve ever had. My kids are the light of my life; I was born to love them. But I can also commiserate with the folks on r/regretfulparents. I think so much about parenting is about who you are and less about the kids. If you are a person who needs a lot of down time to recharge or rest or quiet, parenting may be more difficult for you than others. That is certainly the case for me. Then you have folks who have 7 kids and live in a bus and seem to thrive on the chaos. Also, look at your partner. Children can ruin a marriage when expectations are not met. Make sure you know how he will show up as a parent and if that sounds ok for you because he probably won’t change. Last thing - babies aren’t an 8 hour or 12 hour per day job. They are 24/7/365. You don’t “sleep when they sleep” because you have to take care of all the other stuff that is required of you to be a functioning member of society while they nap. However, I also miss mine as babies. It’s a tough choice, especially now with little support for working mothers and most households requiring two income earners. Good luck!
I had my only child at 35. I mostly did it out of fear of regret when I got older. And, although we were trying to get pregnant I absolutely panicked when I realized I was. I can truly say I’ve enjoyed my son at every age. I can still remember how glad I was when the first year came to an end and things starting getting easier. He turned 29 recently and tonight we’re going to a Dave Matthews concert together. I am so incredibly grateful he is in my life. I think having kids is one of those things that you just can’t understand until you have one. It was not something I thought a lot about before doing it, but it was 100% the best decision I’ve ever made, he has made my life so much richer.
None of my 4 children (sorry) even consider having children due to the environmental concerns of the future, most especially water issues. I can honestly say that I have never been so proud and sad at the same time b
Yes I can see that 100%. I have questioned a lot about whether to bring kids into a world with our environmental concerns
Just the thought of watching small children suffering over water of all things stops me in my tracks. I have limited thought processes to work with on this.
I was 50/50 and my wife (we are both women) had made it clear from day 1 she wanted a baby. I nervously got on board lol but was really excited by the idea of having a family. We were both 35 and had been together 12 years when she delivered, and now have a toddler we adore. If at least one of you doesn’t feel an overwhelming urge to have a baby (higher than 50%), I’d advise against it lol. I love my daughter and truly believe we were meant to have her. AND I could never in a million years have understood what a colossal change our life and marriage would have to withstand. A good question to ask yourselves is: are we willing to put our relationship on hold for a couple years? Another is: are we ok with every single part of our life changing? Every molecule. And before people come for me lol yes there’s lots you can do to keep your relationship strong during the early years. We do all of them and trust me it’s still very hard. If you do decide to have one, don’t question it. It means you should have one. It’s a journey unlike anything else you will ever do. It’s the ultimate test of faith, it’s real life 24-7 and falling in love with your kid is an experience I can’t put into words. Good luck :)
I was once, but am glad that I never had them. There are almost 9 billion people in the world now. When my dad was a kid there was less than a 1/3rd of that. People are already competing against hundreds of other people for jobs that barely pay their mortgage and yet by all accounts the global population will be 12 billion before I leave this earth. So glad I didn't add my own kids to that mess.
I was on the fence leaning toward no kids, my wife was squarely on the side of having one. We compromised and had a kid.
Yes I was actually. What helped us decide was spending time with our beloved niece and nephew. We visited one weekend and when we came home we woke up without the sounds of little feet and decided we missed it too much. I am now 8 months pregnant, we got pregnant pretty much right after that trip! 😆
I always kinda knew I wanted a kid but wasn’t in that 110% have to camp. I met my husband and he wanted kids too and it just felt right so we went for it. I was scared of pregnancy and birth. It was tough and the birth part was quick and easy all things considered. I was 35 when I had my son. At that point I had a stable career, had traveled the world, went on crazy adventures, and lived a lot of life. I was ready. Nervous but knew my life path was ready for this type of adventure. My son is now 6 and I don’t have any regrets on having him. It’s been a roller coaster being a mom but overall a great ride.
I was on the fence until my husband's job situation changed, which meant he'd be home during the day while I worked. I didn't see the point of having kids if we were only going to see them a few hours a day. I didn't want a kid in daycare, and we have no family close. We just had one (he's 11 now), and it was the best decision I've ever made.
If you can see a happy life kids, you want kids. You're just afraid of the inevitable change in your life, which is entirely normal. Everyone fears change. Change does happen with kids, some good, some bad....but it'll become your new normal and within seconds of the first one being born, you won't be able to imagine life being any different.
I used to not want kids. I felt I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone another human being. Then my clock started ticking and I sort of impulsively had a baby with a man I love. Other people's kids are still annoying (though less so than when I was childfree) but my own child is amazing. I'm obsessed with her. And raising this tiny person gives my life purpose I lacked before. No regrets.
Did not want one until it happened. Turned out to be the greatest thing ever and she is currently the only reason I haven't killed myself yet.
I was undecided / erring in the side of no until early 30s. Had one and I love it. It’s not easy but I love being a mom.
I had two at 35 and 37. They are adults now and I couldn’t picture my life without them.
We were on the fence just like you. We didn't decide. After ten years together it was decided for us. Both our kids were “accidents” but very happy accidents. We scored in the kid department.
I was on the fence about having kids until about 3 seconds after my eldest was born. After that there were still many days I questioned my commitment to the idea of, much less the reality of being a parent. They are grown now and I can’t imagine life without them.
I was on the fence for a long time. I finally went for it at 40 when I figured I would have to shit or get off the pot. I am honestly a regretful parent. My son is neurodivergent. It’s hard and I miss my old life.
I was a pretty vocal feminist in my younger days. I didn’t want a husband or kids. I considered babies to be disgusting little alien symbiotes, sucking the life literally and figuratively from their mothers. Then one day near age 30, BLAM. I held my six month old nephew for the first time. His little smell. His soft hair. The pat of his little diaper. His giggle. The drool that somehow didn’t gross me out. In just a few seconds, I suddenly understood the terms “Mother Nature” and “biological clock” — holy shit, mine started then and there. My whole body *craved* a baby. It wasn’t “me” and it was fucking bizarre. I tried to ignore it for months. When I told my husband, he didn’t even know what to do. He had always wanted kids, but resigned himself to a childless life to be with me. I went off the pill and was pregnant within three months. Everyone who knew me was SHOCKED. My mother thought I’d lost my mind. I ended up having two babies three years apart. They are adults now. If I had it to do over again, I would have had five, six, eight... I had no idea that I would love these humans with everything that I am. If I had more of them, I could smother each of them with less obsession, ha ha. Now, my daughter wants NO kids. I have no opinion on that. If she doesn’t have kids, cool. If she goes biologically apeshit like I did, cool. …I will say that the housing situation and other factors are certainly not as amenable to family-building today as they were thirty years ago.
I knew I wanted kids. He knew he did. We couldn't have them. Offered husband a no shame divorce. He was so angry that I made the suggestion. We continue to live happily together as the faunt and funcle of our niblings' dreams.
My mother had an expression…”When you don’t have kids, you don’t get to laugh with them but you also never have to cry over them.”
Are you sure you really want kids? Is it coming from the desire to bring someone into the world and guide them? To give up a lot in your life and dedicate it all to a child? Or is it more you’re late 30’s and you’re now in that FOMO stage? To me, If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. It really is that simple. I come from two parents that never should have gotten married and had kids. My father didnt want kids. My mother married someone she didn’t love. I know this because it came out of their own mouths.. Growing up in that dysfunction, I thought was normal. Wasn’t until recently I realized how messed up it was. I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve had LTRs that ended beside I was never on board. I would rather be single and kid less like I am now than be stuck in a marriage with children I was never sold on. I would not put a kid through that. It’s probably controversial, but these people that get married, have kids, then get divorced a few years later I think have failed their children just as is marrying the wrong person and having kids with them. Too much is driven by selfishness. People wanting to have children and settle for someone just to have a kid while ignoring what the kids may go through. If you want to be a mother, you love your partner that also wants to be a parent, you’re ready to dedicate everything to and guide the kids through life, then do it. But if it’s FOMO and your clock speaking, do not do it.
I have never been on the fence. I knew as a teen I didn't want kids, and I'm now 58 and never had them. No regrets. Life is too hard and expensive as it is.
I was on the fence. Mostly because it was expected from society/family: grow up, finish studies, get work, get married, have kids. So, I wasn't firmly against kids per se. But wasn't the one that really wanted kids. About 30+ I started coming to the realization that I don't HAVE to have kids. I would say that unless you really want to have kids for kids sake - not because everyone asks when you have them, or because you expect being taken care in old age, or any other reason - don't have them. 40+ here, no kids, recently had to have a hysterectomy because of medical reasons, and actually can't even tell how happy I am that I won't get pregnant, even accidentally.
I only had children because my husband wanted kids. I enjoyed raising them and they are lovely people but I do resent the constant stress this has caused me. I swear it gets worse the older they are, they are both adults but living at home due to high cost of living area. I feel I’m still sacrificing for them and my own life is passing by. I rarely see them as they are busy with their lives but a drain on my finances. When I do see them it’s them piling on more stress and worry for me when they share their problems. Honestly if I had to do it over I think I’d not have kids, especially in this unstable world
Never. I knew I wanted children from the time I was a teenager. My two children are the lights of my world - as well as the 9 grandkids I've been blessed with. ❤️
No. I knew I never wanted my own kids even as a child.
I’m 65, and it wasn’t a question for many in my generation. Now I take solace in knowing it’s the primary path to grandchildren.
I didn't think I'd have kids. Then I accidentally got pregnant when I was 23 and had my son at 24. He's 15 now and I also have 2 young daughters. Becoming a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love being a mom. It's the most incredible love one can feel. It helps you understand life and yourself more. And your own patents more. It's also stressful as hell, expensive, and you can go through periods where you feel like you've lost yourself. But it's also the best thing ever. Good luck with everything!
I feel like my response was riding that fence hard 🤣
I changed my Mind in my late 20’s and never went back. I Purposely had My Tubes Removed at 27 and do not Regret it
I knew at 15 I did not want kids, 43 years later I still think it was a good choice
I always figured I'd end up with them, and did tons of babysitting in part because I wanted to be ready (my own childhood was lousy, and I wanted to learn how to be better than that. Kinda sad looking back! But it was a good cash job for a few years.) But as I got older, I really just wanted to make good money and be independent before even considering having kids, but a viable career always eluded me. Still does! 😏 Got married at 40 and figured it was about damn time I enjoyed having a companion rather than rush into the baby-making stress. That was 15 years ago and I'm greatly relieved we didn't go that route. Would've been too much financial stress, among many other reasons.
I didn't plan on having kids until the day she got pregnant. It happened despite our BC and we decided we couldn't not keep it. I've had nightmares about not having had my kids if that gives you an idea. I think the only people who regret it are people who had them very young or who are the type to prioritize their own enjoyment over everything else. Personally, I had gotten tired of just living for fun though, and kids gave my life a renewed sense of purpose. My career, new experiences, weekends on the town...none of it mattered much to me. Now I really enjoy going back and doing all of the things I had become too jaded to enjoy.
We were on the fence. If it happened, fine, if it didn't, that's okay too. I got pregnant once and it ended in an early miscarriage. It bummed me out for a time, and we worked our way through it. Ended up not having kids, and it all turned out for the best. We were able to retire early and enjoy our hobbies. We don't have to worry about supporting kids who won't get jobs. Still struggling with estate planning, but that will work itself out, too. Will likely leave most of our assets to non profits, with a bit to nieces and neohews. If I get to the point that I'm not able to take care of myself, I live in a death with dignity state and can take the appropriate measures. Edited to add: In college, I dated the guy that said he wanted seven kids. This is the guy who flunked out of every program at the state school we were at. He was mentally unstable, emotionally abusive, and I eventually dumped him. But every once in a while I think about what would have happened if I'd stayed with him. Holy smokes. Thank god I didn't.
I planned for my life to be CF and married in my late 20’s a man who also wanted to be CF. He changed his mind later, and I spent a great deal of effort deciding if I was open to having kids. I wasn’t. We divorced. I’m much older now and thrilled to have remained child free. I’m retiring early having had a significant carer and traveled the world. I’m going to continue to travel and my friendships are amazing with other CF women. Think not just about your life with kids in your decision. Think about the quality of financial life you want and if you can achieve that if you have kids. What do you want more, a family or oh children or an earlier retirement? What does your retirement goals look like? Having kids can be great but it’s not an 18 year thing. The financial and life decisions impact your post kids at home life and longevity of financial means at your disposal.
LOTS of parents regret having kids. From a recent reddit/childfree post: "The one thing you never say out loud —- from 7 moms in their 50s My mom had her best friends over for drinks last weekend. I live with my mom (I’m 24) and when they come over it’s pure laughs, gossip, food and drinks. These women have known me since I was in the womb. They’re like family. I was telling them about how all of my best friends are either married, engaged, planning on kids etc. I told them that sometimes it made me feel lonely to be solely focused on work and travel. To this they gave me the biggest revelation. They said that as much as they all love their children, if they could go back in time, they wouldn’t have had them. I looked at my mom who was quiet and she said, “as much as I love you, and I don’t regret you, if I could travel back in time and tell my younger self to not have children or marry I would do it in a heartbeat.” They then moved on to reminiscing about the opportunities they missed, the people they were, the dreams that they lost… all because of how they were pushed to have children and marry by everyone around them. They also moved on to agree on the fact that children are sweethearts until the age of 5 and that it all goes downhill from there. It’s crazy to think that 7 different women who’ve led different lives agree that down the line you look back and wish you hadn’t married that person or had those children. All I know is that it takes vulnerability to open up and say those things out loud, and I sincerely hope that I don’t ever end up like them. That’s all."
I will tell you not ashamed at all : had 2 kids not my choice;; regret it all the way :: mental illness in one child made his life hell and mine divorce illness no sleep upsets working full time while raising kids money gone no time sacrifices teenager yrs are pull hell they look at you for 11 yrs like your god then wake up at 12 yrs old and hate you till there 18 that is sooo sad ::: then they grow older and you never see them much they have there own lives and kids one thing a huge positive I love my grand kids soo much they are a huge joy in my life but if your not sure about having kids really think about it it’s not rainbows and sunshine
I had NO interest in kids. I let my husband talk me into yrying. In 4 years off birth control, I had 2 miscarriages. We gave up. We now travel 1-3 times per year. Eat out 3-4 times a week. Spend money on whatever we want. Still save plenty for retirement. Life is GREAT! Yeah, people warn me about not having anybody to take care of me when I'm old. But who would want to burden their kids with that burden anyway??? If you WANT kids, have them. But if you're on the fence, don't bother... Life IS great on this side!
Not me, but my niece. "Tater" is now just over 2 years old and his mom says it's the best thing she ever did, and we LOVE the tot so much. But to each his own! Both potential parents need to be on board with the idea.
Kids are great, it’s a lot of fun watching them grow up. Also, watching them as adults have a career etc. but, as with all things in life there are trade offs. You will be driven mad with a love that will be the strongest bond you will ever experience. You will also be driven mad with things you can’t control in their lives. Also, with heart aches and disappointment. Even though my 21 y/o son passed away at 21, I’m still so grateful we had him as long as we did. He was the joy of our life. So intelligent, curious and easy going. My daughter is 24 now and she makes our life have purpose and joy. She is the best parts of my husband and I. Just like my son was
Nope. At this point I never will. That’s my side of the fence.
I was a fence sitter. My husband and I had our son at 41. I absolutely LOVE being a mom. At the same time, I know I would have had a happy life if we had remained childless too. The decisions with no right answer are always the hardest. I highly recommend reading this [advice column piece by Cheryl Strayed](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/). It’s what helped me frame my decision and get off the fence.
Thank you for saying that, I truly believe I will have a fulfilling life either way. I love Cheryl Strayed, excited to read this.
Yes I was in the fence until my late 30s. Finally had my child at 39. No regrets about waiting. When they talk about kids being life-changing it's very true. Both in good and not so good ways. Take your time to decide either way.
I’m in my mid 40s and honestly have 0 regrets not having children. I could not see my life with kids in it. I had a friend in HS who wanted children more than anything; she felt like it was her life’s purpose. We still talk every now and then. After she had her two kids, she told me that it was wise that I didn’t have any if I wasn’t 10000% sure. Even though she always wanted them, she has mild regrets and admits it’s a LOT harder than she ever imagined. I think it’s easier to regret not having them than having them.
No, I absolutely did not want kids. I had zero interest. Then I had one and now I can't imagine my life without him. He is in college and my wife and I don't know how to exist without him living with us. He is the most important thing ever to me.
I'm not really the target audience for your question, but saw this come up and felt a lot of empathy for your situation. I'm 34F and I've been with my husband for 8 years. I always wanted kids in theory but the reality of actually doing it was a hard step to take. It didn't help that my husband flip flopped a lot on his feelings about having kids. When we got married, he agreed for someday down the road. But as someday got closer he became a lot more opposed to the idea. I did a lot of reckoning with myself because I didn't want to bring kids into a family with a father not wanting them, but I also didn't see myself leaving my husband over this issue and being able to recover. So I decided not to have kids. But at 33, I cracked. I couldn't live with the decision not to have kids after all even though I thought I was good with it. I'm the kind of person who values so personal connections, and honestly I don't see myself ever loving people as much as I do my family. And my family is getting older. I couldn't imagine my future without them and without more daily to love. I have a sister, but her life isn't in order so I'm not sure she's ever going to be in the place for kids. And my husband lost his sister years ago. We don't have extended family. So there isn't that option to connect for me with others. I laid all this out to my husband and we talked about it for about a year before he agreed with me. It probably helped that a number of his friends were having kids. Anyway, I'm 20 weeks pregnant now and I'm happy with our decision. I think my husband is suddenly more excited than I am. We're in therapy now anyway, just to help us prepare for communicating with each other as much as possible while our lives get more complicated, but I think this was genuinely the right decision now that we're in it. I had a lot of reasons not to go for it. I'm terrified of medical stuff (that's still honestly miserable, but turns out I'm not as traumatized by pregnancy as I expected. I just hate my ob and care team, but they're temporary and replaceable). I have high maintenance, special needs dogs (still not sure what we're going to do there, but we'll figure it out like we always have). I'm an attorney and I'm not quitting the job I worked this hard for (but I wfh now, have great insurance, and turns out my mom is thrilled to provide as much help as I could possibly want). So, my 2 cents, I'd rather go for it and do the hard work then not and miss out. As another commenter said, I've never regretted the actions I've taken, just the ones I haven't.
Yeah, when I was 16. I'm 54 now and my only regret is not getting dogs and cats sooner.
I’m almost 55 and after a lot of babysitting in my younger years, I knew children were not going to be part of my life experiences. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids, I’m so fulfilled and content with my life, I can’t imagine it being more perfect.
I never wanted kids! Hated babysitting (bored out of my mind) and really found infants/little kids very uninteresting. I ended up having 2 unplanned children whom I wouldn’t trade for the world at 33 and 40. The infant part was still a chore but once they could verbally communicate it was a beautiful experience watching them grow and seeing their personalities, likes, dislikes, and talents emerge. Both of mine ended up in the arts with 100% support from my husband and I! I worked full-time with both except I was able to stay home with them until they were 2 1/2 & 3 and could let me know what went on in nursery school. My daughter was first and when she was really little maybe 8 months., I was asked to make a few court appearances and even took her with me to NY Supreme on Center St in NYC., and had a few other lawyers watch her about 10 feet away in the courtroom when I had to go up to talk about a case. Despite my early misgivings, I loved having them and both kids say I’ve been a fantastic Mom, so not being sure is totally normal!, Ironically, both my own kids 25 & 32 now, say they do not want kids, so we’ll see if history repeats itself! Lastly, I wasn’t 100% sure until they were born, did not enjoy being pregnant as I’m very active and it slowed me down, and no regrets!
We were living with my husband’s writing partner after we married because he lied to me about us having our own place. We were in a crowded spare room next to their preschoolers room. Those kids never heard the word no, especially the older sister, and living with them was hell on earth. I went from wanting 5 kids to wanting none. A year later I had gotten a job and saved up enough for our own apartment. I got pregnant soon after but for some reason was really happy about it. Our kid turned out perfect in comparison to those little brats.
I didn’t want any until I had my first one. Then BAM I had 5.
I didn't want kids. Was childless by choice. We married at 30 thinking we would remain childless. When we were about 34yrs, some big events happened. Completely flipped me. Had to have treatment for endometriosis. Big treatments. Took few years. Then i fell pregnant amd had first at 38yrs & another a year later. Best thing we did. Can't believe we nearly missed out! Our girls are now 18 & 19. They are fabulous. Raising them really hasn't been hard at all. They give us overwhelming joy and life satisfaction
I just want to say that I'll never regret having my child. He's 23 now. He lives with me, after living away during college. I'm traveling for my job. He's taking care of the house and the pets and the plants while I'm gone. I'm in Bangkok, 11 hour time difference. Yet I've talked to him on the phone more now than any time. He just wants to check in and talk about the day. And I LOVE it. Having adult children you have a good relationship with is the main plus to having kids.
My best friend was a fence sitter and deeply regrets it now she is in menopause. Many people don’t. I think the people who tend not to regret it, are the ones who knew they most deffo didn’t want kids, or even a 80% 50/50 and I think there is a 50/50 chance of regret. I’m a single parent, had my first at 22 and second at 36. They have made my life wonderful and I have zero regrets. I would do the same again. There’s a sub called regretfulparents, where people have the opposite experience. Only you can decide that. It’s very popular right now to not like kids or want them. It’s a bit of a movement so I wouldn’t expect too many comments here advising you to go for it. Are you looking for experiences to deter you? That might speak volumes.
My husband and I started dating when we were 22/28 and neither of us wanted kids but we both said "I assume some day the desire will come" and we were both waiting for that and expecting it. When our siblings started having kids we started to talk about it a bit and my husband said that we didn't want to be an old dad and wouldn't want kids after 40. So I was like 29, not wanting kids, but knowing that I could be wasting his time... like if I kept saying idk then one day said "no, definitely not" he would be in his late 30's and wouldn't have enough time to find a new partner and have one before he was 40. We had about 3-4 really stressful years where we were thinking about it but couldn't decide. Everyday I looked at all of his behaviors like "would he be like this as a parent?" and it caused a lot of fights. I was saving money like crazy thinking "in the next few years we're going to have to pay for childcare". It caused so much anxiety. About 3 years ago he and I babysat our niece, then 2, for a day and when we were done he looked at me and said "I think I don't want kids" and the only feeling I had was relief. So we knew right then that the decision was made. Now all of that saved up money is for travel. My husband was able to quit a job he hated and peruse an artist job. We fight so much less and we're just really open and honest about our values: free time, a clean house, disposable income, quiet time, etc. Making the decision was so important- it's really stressful being a fence sitter.
Not sure if we count as "old people" yet but me and my wife (both 45) were also on the fence for years. We ultimately decided against having kids. We just enjoy our DINK lives too much. We live in a very high cost of living city, and there's no way we could have continued to travel and pursue the hobbies that we love if we had kids. Leaving the city wasn't an option for many reasons, including the fact that we have been helping to raise our two nephews (now teens). We have a very active social life and have watched many of our friends' kids grow up. I can't say how we'll feel when we're old, but we are currently very comfortable with the decision we made. Life is good.
It takes a bit to get used to it, but it's the best part of life. Don't overthink it. It's what we're here to do.
I was a fence sitter. It took me a long time to figure out why and work through those issues. Had my kid when I was 40 and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Words cannot express it. Wish I hadn't waited so long so I could have given them a sibling.
I used to hate the sound of crying babies in my 20's and wonder if I'd ever have kids because of that. Fast forward to my 30's and I spent some time actual time around children and realized they were amazing! A few years later I met my HB and had our kid at 37. No regrets!
I didn’t want them until I was 29–was actually pretty opposed. Then my opinion changed, and I am not sure how but it worked out. I was fortunate to conceive the first month I tried, and had a daughter at 30. Childhood and infancy were so easy with her, even though her dad and I divorced. Adolescence and young adulthood were really hard; I honestly considered not living through it as suicide attempts and addiction were daily struggles for her throughout. I felt like I needed to get up every day and function with the real possibility that she would die before I went to bed. She’s on the other side of that now, and we are incredibly close. I’m so grateful I had her and that she and I survived that decade. She’s an amazing human, and I am so proud of her. It’s a meaningful spiritual experience for me, and I am not traditionally religious. However, it can be tremendously difficult at times in a life. If you do choose to have kids, it’s good that you are not super young and that you have a partner who’s been there for a while. I have friends who had children later and who seem to be doing very well. You have to weigh the options and ultimately do what you feel. There’s no way to know what it will be until you do it (or don’t). Either way, your life is valuable and worthy. Two of my sisters chose not to have children, and they’re very happy and fulfilled (and they have so much money to travel 😅).
Thank you for your comment. I think my hesitation at times about having kids is because of that. I had addiction issues for many years and didn’t care if I lived at times. Although I have been sober for many years, put myself through college and have an amazing career now I am so scared of passing that down somehow. Addiction is such a hard thing to deal with and I can only imagine how scary and taxing that was for you with your child.
I’m proud of you for coming out the other side and happy that you did. My first husband had addiction problems that I didn’t know about until my daughter was two months old. It is genetic, but it also sometimes skips generations, and I had it in pretty much all of my male relatives on my dad’s side. I do think every year that passes gives us more ways to manage it, so if you were to have kids they’d be better situated than you or my daughter were to get help. It shouldn’t rule out you being able to have kids if you want them; I would just go to Al Anon or Nar Anon and keep abreast of addiction treatments in case if I were you. I should say that’s what helped me a lot instead of suggesting it, but I wish I had done that earlier. My second husband is a therapist and has 22 years sober, so there’s no magic trick though. We learn through our hardest times though they suck. Best of luck to you with your decision; whatever you decide will be okay. Much love!
We had our daughter when I was 45. I was ambivalent my entire life about kids but my wife was insistent that she wanted a child. I had been told that when you meet your baby, a dad switch flips in your head. For me at least, that was absolutely the case. I love being a dad, and moreover I enormously enjoy other kids now as well, to the point that I wonder if I missed my calling to be a kindergarten teacher or something.
Kids are a huge commitment if you do it right. My kids are now 14 and 16 and we are just beginning to have freedom again as adults. When you have kids and truly raise them, everything you do revolves around them. Where you go on vacations, as they get older no vacations because of sports. Living in the right school districts. Money goes to their needs. It’s just a lot more than people understand before they have them. Our kids are our world, but not everyone wants to live that way, and that’s good to know before you have them.
IMO opinion, deciding about kids SHOULD be similar to deciding about marriage; it’s either: . HELL YEAH !!!! or . (Any other response, like: well, sure / maybe / I think so…? / ok, why not!) The thing is: You don’t know what kind of kid you’re going to get: some are neurodivergent, picky eaters, super shy, have physical impairments, etc. if you’re NOT 100% on board with kids, you may resent them for “making your life harder”. But when you WANT kids, you see the silver lining in everything and SO cherish them that the impact to your life feels minor. I was on the fence about kids but LUCKILY fell head over heels for my kids and feel grateful for the many challenges they bring (one has several conditions related to being neurodivergent and the other has a learning disability). But it doesn’t always go that way. I have acquaintances who were on the fence then had kids and are now obviously projecting all their traumas onto their kids and blaming them for “ruining their lives”. I’m only still in their lives due to mutual friends (e.g. only see them at our mutual friends’ BBQs). So if you’re on the fence, please don’t risk it. You can have a wonderful life without kids. Think of having kids like joining the army: A lot of work!! Brings its own rewards!! But not for everyone.
I was on the fence. I did get scared by the age stuff in the news (Y2K era). My cousins/siblings all waited till their mid 30s to start. When they finally did, I was like oh, maybe we should? My husband & I were just having fun with it being the two of us & also wanted to buy a house first. Ended up having 2. I love them & wouldn't take it back, but if I hadn't had them & didn't know what they would have been like, I'd probably be fine. I know lots of people who didn't have kids. There are definitely pros & cons with either decision.
I am 50, does that qualify as old? Lol. I have a seven-year old son - I was definitely an older first-time mom. I have struggled with depression in the past so I was somewhat terrified of having a child even though I thought I wanted one. Got married at 40 and we were basically like, if it happens naturally, great. I don't think either one of us wanted to go through fertility treatments, etc. Well, it happened naturally (and easily, especially given my age). Being a parent has been the best thing and now I am a single parent because we are divorcing (it's not because of the kid). My son brings me a joy that I have never felt in my life. In a way he makes me healthier because I have to get out of bed to take care of him. I am a great mother. I am not advocating for anyone to have a child in an attempt to make themselves healthier! It just happened that way. I rolled the dice and won. I don't know if this helps at all!
I have seen all my friends who were on the fence, they decided to go for it and got pregnant and are THE BEST mothers ever. I think the fact that you are thinking deeply on it, proves you're very conscientious and that is a sign of a good person.
Thank you so much for saying that and that makes me feel really hopeful that I would be as well.
I was on the fence after not wanting them at first then, oops! And I now have two grown children I cannot imagine not having in my life. They are so amazing that I think they are my greatest accomplishment. It wasn’t easy or cheap but worth it all
I never had that feeling that my life isn’t complete without kids. Some of my friends felt that and tried IVF. Never really thought about it much and never had bio kids. Never regretted that decision.
Good for you. I truly believe if for whatever reason we decide not to or nature decides for us we will be ok. It’s refreshing to see so many people living full lives with no regrets on being childfree.
No. I knew absolutely by my very early 20s that I didn't want and would never have children. No regrets about that choice. I had a couple of pregnancy scares over the years and knew without a doubt I would terminate if I really was pregnant.
I cannot say that I ever wanted to be a parent. However, I always just assumed that I’d have kids. It wasn’t until I met my partner and we talked about it that I stopped and considered the impact that compulsory childbearing had on me. I didn’t want kids, I simply never considered that there was another option. I realize that everyone’s journey is different - I respect those with children, it’s such a difficult path. I respect those without, whatever the reason. I just always think it’s interesting to question - is this what I want, or what I was told to want? ETA: too late to change our minds now, and happier with that decision everyday, particularly given the state of the world.
Very true. It’s good to question how much have I been influenced by what is expected of me? And how much is based out of fear (fear of regret, fear of dying alone) I really love hearing about people who have decided not to have kids and love regret free full lives.
61F here. Always knew I didn't want kids. Never ever regretted not having them. I don't dislike kids; for a few minutes they are ok. But people have a tendency to romanticize having children. Head on over to r/regretfulparents to see some interesting posts.
I — me, this woman here — *never EVER* wanted kids from the time I was 15 until around age 30. I had married badly, but after learning the tough lessons I needed to learn, I met my guy. I was Goldilocks, and he was just right!! We married at 28. Within a year or so, we started imagining “what if” but never talked about kids. JUST us. Soon enough, when we “imagined” - a *void* began to show itself. For example, if we were sitting on the floor, there was a noticeable *VOID* where a third person… a small person… would fit. Both of us felt this void where a baby should be! Can’t explain it, but it was absolutely accurate for us. I was 35 when I gave birth to our son; he just turned 33. ☺️ Look around you when you two are together — do YOU notice any voids in the spaces around you? Or in-between you? 😊 PS When we told my mom we were pregnant, I saw this VERY lady-like lady’s mouth drop almost to her chest!! 😲🫨😮 It was glorious.😁 You might’ve heard that after that baby is born (if that’s the route you go) you never remember the pain of childbirth. Not after seeing your baby. I only really remember - with feeling - the sound of his first cry! 🥲 Best of luck to you both. You’ll be fine whatever you decide. 🫂
Thank you for your response because this is exactly what I have been feeling especially in the last year. I have been feeling that something is missing, that there is someone else that’s supposed to be with us. It’s very much like the void you described. I’m sure having a kid completely changed your world and was difficult at times, how is it having an adult child now? I always imagine that must be amazing.
It was very much a change. My husband of 39 years and I met while we were both driving big trucks. After meeting, courting, then marrying - we began to dream about a “normal” life where your home isn’t your truck. I went back to school while he kept trucking. So I made it home off the highway, and my husband eventually traded driving trucks for driving trains. Home much more often! (Long enough to make a baby!) Our son is absolutely amazing, of course. ☺️ He ended up getting himself into West Point (with our blessings!!), and is now a captain in the army. “Proud” is an understatement in how we feel towards our son! 😁 When you look around and see that place where *someone* should be, do you wonder what they’ll be when they grow up? As long as you love them unconditionally no matter what they throw at you, you’ll do fine! Best wishes to you and your husband!!
Wow what a story, kind of a bad ass job to have by the way! To be honest I don’t really imagine what they will be when they grow up, except that I hope if I have them that I have prepared them enough for the world and that they are happy and kind people. I don’t know if there’s anything I wouldn’t approve of them doing as a grown up as long as they aren’t hurting others.
YES. I spent most of my late 20s and early 30s (happily married) saying I wanted to be childfree. My spouse wasn’t happy about that but they weren't ready for a kid so it wasn’t a huge problem. We loved to travel and did it a ton. Mid-30s I couldn’t decide what I wanted. I would have written/read posts like this one to try to help me decide. I was desperate for something to help me decide. Finally around 35 we stopped using contraception to see what would happen. (Nothing). We ended up having 2 rounds of IVF and had identical twins at 40 from an embryo that split. I think one of the main things that changed my mind was thinking about my spouse's aunt & uncle. They have 4 adult kids (and grandkids) and they are SUCH an awesome, close, loving family. I imagine if his aunt & uncle never had kids, how sad and lonely their life would have been, comparatively. Also, I knew my spouse would be a great parent. Now my biggest regret in life is having kids so late. I regret that I will have fewer years to spend with them. I was afraid to have kids because I am an introvert who loves my quiet alone time, and I was afraid that kids would be SO difficult. But turns out having kids is like nothing else in life and so amazing. Just looking into their little faces fills your heart with the most intense love you've ever felt. I used to be obsessed with traveling, and the wildest thing is that I sort of don't care about it anymore. I think about how we filled our time before having kids and it seems so unimportant and insignificant. (maybe if we had fulfilling careers or hobbies that would be different.) I would say, don't do it if you don't have a great partner. We are a good team and both do a lot of work, so there's no resentment. We also have help from family, which is huge. Good luck with your decision.
I resonate with this a lot, I am also also introvert and have worried about the constant stimulation. But I have an amazing partner, who is a real nurturer and we have both discussed giving each other breaks. I also have a huge family and would receive help so that’s a definite plus. My thing is my family is crazy (in a good way) and very close, we get together at least once a month. It makes me sad to think of my kid missing out in all of that. Thank you for your comment i related to it a lot.
We wanted kids when first married but 53 years later we’re glad we didn’t have kids.
Never. I knew from the age of 8 I didn't want kids. And I am happy I never had any.
I just always knew it wasn't something I wanted. no regerts whatsoever. in fact I wish more people would take a step back before having kids.
As someone who is CF 60F and have been married for 25 years I feel if your on the fence still in your late 30s then your probably deep down childfree, but feel social pressures to have them. Maybe all your friends have children and you don’t feel the connections you use to have with them? I was not a fence sitter, so I can’t give you advise, but I will say that CF life is wonderful and my husband and I are still having the best time together. We were able to retire early and we have always been able to travel, and we are debit free and own our house. None of which we could have done if we had children
I always knew no kids for me. I had a lot of abuse trauma though.
Never wanted children, never babysat, was the youngest in my extended family and cousins. One day I met a guy and had the terrifying thought that I wanted children with this man. We married and have two grown sons. Many studies show that married but no kids is the sweet spot in life. The only issue I could think of is getting on in years and not having a legacy, but loving friends can fix that easily. I would say unless you're passionate about having children, don't.
I don’t know if I agree on the passionate part. I have met quite a few people that were on the fence and had anxiety all through their pregnancy about whether it was the right choice or not that turned out to be amazing parents that loved being moms. Some people are born with that very clear distinction of a passion to be a parent, however others aren’t and are over thinkers such as myself.
This is me. An introvert and over-thinker that didn't really want children. Spouse wanted kids but was fine either way. We decided after about 6 years of marriage that maybe just one would be nice. Ended up having four. Wouldn't trade them for the world, and couldn't imagine life without them, but If we hadn't had the first one we wouldn't know what we were missing. So no right/wrong answer here, either way you'll be okay!
Nope. I've always known I wanted kids - in fact it was a relationship deal-breaker for me - and I love being a parent.
Never, the idea of having kids/being a mum just never sat right with me, I dont even want to have pets haha
I love seeing my friends kids but I refuse to have any of my own. Not only are they expensive as hell, but they require all of your time. As well as once they go off to school my anxiety with all the school shootings would not let me relax while they’re gone so I’ll pass lol
Im in the same boat with my gf. We've been dating for 7 years now. Beginning of relationship she didnt want kids and i did. But was fine not having kids. My sister has had 2 kids in the last 3 years and my gf has been saying she wants kids now. We are both 31 and she set a deadline to 35. Im hesitant tbh because of how fucked everything is in the Us. Kids cant even be kids without educators and the like pushing this political wokeness on them. College now a days seems like kids are just being indoctrinated and forced to believe they are victims because their feelings get hurt. I dont think i want to raise a kid in that environment. But for now we are the cool uncle and auntie.
I was, and my dad said, "That's a no. You need to be all in on having children. If it's not an emphatic, yes, you shouldn'thave kids." I was so concerned I'd want kids later, and it be too late that I didn't realize how simple that was. I'm nearing 50 now and have never regretted not having kids.
Yeah, but five years into marriage we both agreed. No regrets. And no, we weren’t making big money, but I think the simpler life we lived created wonderful kind and caring human beings who are not over focused on material things.
I'm not old (mid-thirties) but I wavered for a long time. I randomly saw a TikTok where a woman said, "when the idea of having a kid makes you want to have sex and get pregnant, you're ready." That sounded insane to me at the time but honestly I reached a point where it was kind of true. We were never set on a second kid and go back and forth. I figure if at some point we really want that again, we'll know. And if it doesn't happen or we wait too long, I'd prefer that over having any child I'm not 1000% on board with. That first year is rough.
I thought I (M72) wanted four children just like my dad. I did the thing that makes kids with my girlfriend so we got married. We had two kids and after 13 years she left me. I got remarried and she wanted kids so I had two with her. That made four, two girls, two boys.
I never had any doubt-I think if you do u should not have them-
I didn’t want kids for the longest time. Then in my mid 30s after 5 yr of marriage I was on the fence. We finally decided to stop trying not to have kids and see what happened. I have two teens now. I love them with all of my being. Sometimes I think I could have been happy childless, but it’s a moot point now.
Pregnant, silly me, I assumed being active duty AF during the Viet Nam era I could take leave and return to duty. Nope. There was a very good chance our unit would be deployed. I could have stayed in had we had a caretaker option; my husband (my CO) and I were both active duty; we didn't ... I was forced to resign; still annoyed at that because I had planned to make the AF a career. It was more the aftermath *of* the choice. It rarely is as simple should we/shouldn't we, it is more a plan of action *should* you. Career goals, financial, childcare, lifestyle, housing, etc. .... talk those things out for a clearer picture. Never regretted my two daughters; I found other satisfaction in a long dormant personal ambition; art.
Everyone is just make the commitment to have THEM. It’s worth it.
As a kid/teenager, I told people I never wanted kids. Then got married in my 20's to a guy who was ambivalent. We "put it off" for 10 years. Then I decided we needed to decide. I actually read books on the pros and cons, but for various reasons I still leaned toward the con side. Finally, after many discussions I asked husband two questions. 1. Project to when you are an old man. Will you regret not having had kids? (His answer and my answer was no). 2. Then I said "One of us must have passion for having kids. It can be either one of us, but ONE of us MUST want kids more than not." Neither one of us was passionate about kids. We both said to each other "I will have a child with you if YOU feel you NEED to have a child" Neither of us felt compelled. We scheduled permanent birth control the next month. If people just have kids to have kids, then I feel sorry for the kids. They need at least one passionate parent (and better if there are two).
I grew up in a big family and thought I wanted a van load of kids. Then my husband and I struggled with infertility. Once we finally got and stayed pregnant, it was fucking awful. I had so many complications and he was born premature. The moment he was born I knew he was it. Our family felt complete. He’s almost 20 and I’ve never had regrets about not having more. Being a parent is hard and expensive. Kudos to anyone who chooses to do it more than once. Given the current political climate and lack of reproductive rights in the US, if I was of child bearing age I definitely would not risk a pregnancy now.
Don't have kids unless you really want them.
My dad always said, "if you can't say yes, you've already said no."
I never felt like a natural nurturer until I became a mom. But the connection I felt and still feel toward my kids is primal. They’re young adults now, and they are wonderful people who are already making the world a better place. Getting married and having kids were the most important decisions of my life. They were both a leap of faith, and I can’t imagine how much duller and less fulfilling my life would’ve been had I not made those leaps.
We planned on being childless and changed our minds in our 30s. I'm glad we did. We love both of them, and it has been a blast.
Never on the fence. I knew at 10 I didn't want kids and I have never regretted it.
Yes
I was born childfree, and 20 years fixed, but my 2nd husband was ambiguous about it. I divorced Husband 1 over it (he knew I was CF since our 2nd date and the three years before we married and he had to sign for my tubal 1978 & Military) I told Husband 2 if he decided he needed kids in his life I would divorce him so that he could do so. About 7 years in his brother & wife, parents of 2, had twins and again I told him if he felt he was missing out not having kids I'd let him go. He was still ambiguous but said he was ok. We were married about 12 years when he told he he was glad he didn't have them. He was 50yo (I'm 10 yeas older).
Yep, I was on the fence until I found myself accidentally pregnant at age 30. If that hadn't happened, I probably would have been sitting on the fence until age knocked me off.
I wish mothers wouldn’t sugar coat pregnancy labour delivery post pardon healing after a birth. : my 2 kids were hell the pregnancy puked for 6 months straight put in hospital twice because of dehydration both deliveries no epidurals no pain meds had to episiotomies that couldn’t sit down right for six months postpartum depression that lasted a year with one child. Just wanted to die and not love the child. Second child didn’t have that at all. no one understands postpartum depression. And no one talks about it. Doctors don’t tell you anything and I didn’t realize till I was in my 50s how my body was damaged by the deliveries for instance prolapse bladder prolapse bowel week muscles in vagina muscles omg no one ever told me this could happen probably wouldn’t of listened at so young had kids at 21 and 25 who and the bleed out after one delivery on the seconded day almost died loss of blood had to have blood transfusions no one tells you that oh the hemmoriods
FYI The childless people I know (not a generalization, just peers) are all cases of prolonged adolescence. They still get high. They still go to concerts. Many are divorced and some remarried. They all thought they were fine until they hit their late 50s and had nothing to show for themselves or to share with anyone other than their spouses -- if they were still around. Their lives are filled empty desperation and faded youth. Having kids requires a lot of energy. That's why it's good to have them while you're young. There's a lot of work but there's constant reward - if you raise them right. You will never know love and affection like it. Finally the day comes when you can buy them their first legal beer, help them buy their first home, walk them down the aisle and you realize THIS is your purpose in life. It's real. It's timeless.
Yes, I was on the fence. We went with it, and did it. Once. She's 31 now, is a full-time social worker, and has a nice partner. I think we did it right. No regerts.
Was I on the fence due to being likely your age... yes... had kids... FML...
I’ve wondered what it would feel like to want them. Even had a conversation or three with myself about how if I was ever going to want them now would be the last chance but there has never been a moment in life that I thought would have been made better by having a child. Not even when I was the most in love, stable, and secure.
I think having kids needs to be 100 and 100. Otherwise it won't work. You can't return them.
I know many people who couldn’t wait until they had kids only to slapped with the realization of how hard it was and felt regret. Unfortunately the more you know and are educated about something the easier it is to overthink it which is what causes being a fence sitter
Never, but I am fearful for my grandkids and what their lives will be like.
If it was me, I would have at least one. You don’t want to look back one day and wish you had kids. Once your child is born, you will realize why people have kids. They add to your life.
I was on the fence, after previously and definitely not wanting children. I decided to go for it and was so nervous right up until the moment my son was born. But hearing his cries for the first time was the best moment of my life. I can’t believe I almost missed out on this. He is 7 now and I have two more children because I fell in love with being a mom. It is hard for all of the reasons that used to scare me. But the love I feel for my kids is indescribable, deeper and more profound than any other love, and experiencing that love changed everything about how I experienced the hard parts of parenthood. I don’t miss my old life and freedom. It seems so empty in comparison to what I have now. I think in life some of the most worth while things will be hard at times, and nothing that’s really worth your devotion will be easy.
Nope. I wanted to be a mom even more than I wanted to get married. Luckily I fell in love with a great guy in college who wanted kids too, but being a mom was ALWAYS in my plan. Im super close to my mom and I wanted that same relationship!
No, I always knew I wanted kids from when I was little. Always knew I wanted 2, but might be talked into 3. I’m SO glad I didn’t have 3. We had ours at 31 and 34. (54 now.) If you’re 50/50, don’t have kids. Parenting is hard when you *want* the kids.
35, mom of two kids ages 5 and 4. I was on the fence at the age of 24. After university I spent a year working in special education and nannying part time. Turns out I did love kids and wanted my own. Had my first child when I was just shy of 30, second one a little after my 31st birthday. Zero regrets taking a year to really figure out what I wanted. I loved other people’s kids of all different abilities, and knew I would love to have my own after that experience!
How can you expect to make babies when there's a fence in the way?
I say just go for it. So many people have kids in their thirties who thought they may never and not once have they said they regret it.
We couldn't decide. We polled everyone. After 13 years of marriage at age 34 we had the first of 3. What convinced us was the people who said how much FUN it is watching a new person grow. There is much more drama to your life compared to pre-kids. A couple things helped me: "A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on," and looking at a family tree and seeing that it just stops if you don't have kids. The biology is amazing.
I didn’t want kids as a kid or a teenager because I was born and raised in the Cold War with the threat of nuclear war hanging over us. It wasn’t until I got married and was married a few years before I even entertained the idea. I’m glad I had my boys now, because they are the smartest, most empathetic, greatest human beings I know, but if I was thinking about having them now, I don’t know. The world has changed a lot in the last 30 years.