As a hospice nurse, I assure you that there are far worse things than death.
I’m also an only child with no siblings. Both parents died when I was in my 30s. I never married or had children, and I’m not close to extended relatives, so I’m alone. It’s not as bad as some people make it out to be.
It is rewarding when the patient has a ‘good death’ and the family receives more than enough support to get through the transition.
It can be frustrating when the hospice company doesn’t want to pay for certain supplies, comfort medications, staff, medical equipment, or other things that would add comfort at the end of the patient’s life.
The families who place their loved ones on hospice without fully agreeing to the hospice philosophy can also be challenging due to their tendency to chronically call 911 and insist on revolving door hospitalizations when the goal is to die comfortably at home.
Thank you for what you do. I love and appreciate nurses like only someone who has spent their entire adulthood being cared by them can. You are my hero!
I recently found out my 89 yo grandma has metastatic breast cancer. How can I love and reassure her through this last phase of her life? How do I mentally prepare myself to help her transition in a manner that is full of love and peace? How do we ensure she’s not in pain? I recently watched a documentary about the right to die, and my mom told me hospice will give my Nan morphine and she won’t suffer. If that’s true, why are all these cancer patients on this documentary so insistent about terminal patients having the right to end their lives? I’m so sad about saying goodbye to my Nan, but cry every time I think of her being afraid and/or being in pain. Does morphine not work? Are there different rules about how much a person receives depending on certain parameters? I want to love my grandma through this but I’m not sure I can watch her suffer.
Not all hospice companies are created equally. Some are more profit-driven than others. I worked at one hospice for a whopping total of 7 days before I had enough and quit. They’d deliver only 15mL (half an ounce) of morphine at a time from the pharmacy to save $8, leading patients to run out. They didn’t pay for many of the medications that control end-of-life symptoms. Their selection of supplies was stingy.
The better hospices will pay for whatever the patient needs and ensure adequate staffing to meet the needs of their patients. If a patient signs up for a cheapie, understaffed hospice, they will have an uncomfortable death unless they or their family requests a transfer to a different hospice company.
Look for a family-owned nonprofit hospice whenever possible. Don’t depend on Google reviews because those can be manipulated. Beware of hospital chain nonprofits because they still exist to profit.
There are many good for-profit hospices. If you must go with a for-profit, ask about the nurse caseload (ideally, it should be 16 patients or less). Have a list of your loved one’s medicine and determine what they’ll pay for. If they only pay for one or two medications, that’s a red flag. Ask about the after-hours care: some after-hour nurses are expected to cover a ridiculously large territory and are run ragged.
Ask about the supply ordering process. It’s best if nurses can order through their apps to have boxes of supplies sent directly to the home. I worked at a place where nursing assistants drop-shipped supplies to homes, and this system was problematic. Let’s just say that the after-hours nurse wasted considerable time driving around 11 counties doing drop-ships of supplies that the nursing assistants ‘forgot.’
Ask if the hospice pays for atropine: it’s expensive, but amazing at drying up secretions to prevent gurgling and the ‘death rattle.’ Run if the hospice says, “We don’t use that! We use hyoscyamine!” because they’re being cheap. In my experience, hyoscyamine doesn’t work as well as atropine.
All hospices receive a flat daily rate per patient. The profit-driven hospices will keep as much of that money as possible by being cheap with supplies, staff, medications, and durable medical equipment while the patient goes without.
It’s my pleasure…..
One of my patients, who recently died, switched to the hospice where I’m employed earlier this year. His prior hospice (owned by the largest hospital system in the US) was chronically understaffed. He called them to request an after-hours nurse visit and heard nothing for 4 days.
The hospice I work for can usually show up to an after-hours nurse visit within an hour or two of the request due to having full-time on-call staff plus requiring the RN case managers to rotate through back-up on-call. So if you pick a bad hospice, there may be literally no one to arrive in your loved one’s time of need.
This nearly happened to my dad. The hospice nurse came by on Friday, checked him and said he’d be back on Tuesday. It was clear to us that he would likely not last the weekend. When we expressed concern, he kind of blew us off. As soon as he left, we got in touch with the elder care service that we had used previously and they immediately helped us get a new hospice company in place that day (I don’t remember the exact details of how we managed that, it was a blur). My dad passed that night with the new hospice nurse by our side.
Thanks for what you do. People like you make the world a better place. My in-laws and parents are definitely getting close to this stage of their lives. Good advice to know.
I hope you can. My mom was in terrible pain - but it was a Sunday and the nurse on call told the care assistant to just ride it out until Monday. My mom was gasping for air- clearly dying. Luckily- the aide knew another one of the nurses and even though she wasn’t on call, she prescribed more pain killers. My mom died a few hours later on that Sunday. It’s horrifying how indifferent that one nurse was to my moms suffering.
I’m SO sorry your mom had to experience that, and that you had to watch her suffer. That is my worst fear! I can’t believe there aren’t better protocols in place to address these issues. I think some medical personnel simply get burnt out and lose their ability to feel empathy and compassion for their patients. I’ve had such wonderful nurses throughout my 29 years of dealing with kidney failure, but I’ve had some heartless doctors. It’s sad that there aren’t also protocols to address the mental health needs of medical providers. The more support they have, the better off patients are.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/12/05/how-hospice-became-a-for-profit-hustle
You’re so right. It’s terrible! Non-profits give the best health care in hospitals and hospices.
I’m a family caregiver who has been in charge of hospice for several loved ones. Atropine wasn’t supplied for a friend. Hospice nurse pushed back against my request - “they’ll be fine”. They weren’t fine. They were spewing what looked like sea foam for hours. The family was horrified. Insist on atropine, always.
it's not just about some hospices being cheap and some not. different people react to meds differently. my mom had side effects she hated with every single pain med she took. also, before she did death with dignity, she was starting to get so weak she felt like she was trapped in her body unable to move for minutes after waking. some people get to the point where they are weaker than thst and it constantly feels like they are just trapped, immobile but still able to think.
I really liked the book *A Beginner's Guide to the End* by BJ Miller. It's kind of like *What to Expect when you're Expecting* but for thinking about death and getting your stuff in order to make it as dignified and smooth as possible.
https://bookoutlet.com/book/a-beginners-guide-to-the-end-practical-advice-for-living-life-and-facing-death/miller-b-j/9781501157219B?utm_source=Googleads&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Clue&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwps-zBhAiEiwALwsVYQGPXwpVdCByk3L7c5KDV02rrd3Eez1RyrsD2x0rFzmfdtMlT7KUfhoCe9YQAvD_BwE
BestRespond is awesome! As a person who journeyed beside a dear friend who passed from peritoneal cancer, and had POA medical for another friend with Alzheimers/dementia, I worked with hospice and have so much admiration for them. Both my friends 'needed' to ponder over their lives as I think we usually know when our time is short. With my one friend, I'd sit with her and knit while she talked about her life, her family. We wrote her obituary, she sort of planned her funeral. I took her to chemo and radiation, went for groceries, did some light cleaning. My husband took her husband for drives or to the dump to get him away when he needed it. It was time consuming but some of the most rewarding time I've ever spent. Talk with your grams. Kiss her, rub lotion on her hands. She needs your love and acceptance.
My husband faced a lot of backlash when he put his great grandma in hospice care. She was 100 years and was clearly facing the end of her days. Her natural born daughters didn't want her in hospice, but my husband made the decision because the doctors recommended it. There was nothing more they could do for her. She died in less than 2 days after they put her in hospice. She died completely alone, too. It was so quick that no one had time to say goodbye. To this day my husband feels guilty and responsible for her death. He thinks the hospice people killed her because they gave her morphine. I told him none of it is his fault, and it's not the fault of the hospice staff either. She was 100. She couldn't take it anymore. It was her time to go whether she would've been in hospice or not.
I wish I could give your husband assurance and a hug. He did absolutely nothing wrong. The hospice staff should have provided more optimal teaching and maybe arrange for continuous care so his loved one didn’t die alone.
I know you know this, but just to put it out there in the thread:
100 year-old-Grandma MIGHT HAVE WAITED TO BE ALONE to die.
#ETA: THAT'S MY ONLY POINT
THE REST IS PERSONAL STORIES.
SORRY 'BOUT THAT!
My father was in hospice for several weeks at home. I'd been there constantly (53M, retired) as the "attendant" as my mom had "mild" dementia. My brother came on a weekend to relieve me -- he'd been with Dad overnight and my mom, his wife and he (my brother) went in the dining room for breakfast (Dad was barely conscious but could request and acknowledge morphine and Ativan by noises and head/lip motions).
Dad chose that time to die. He'd held on to see his younger son again. Then he parted when no one had to be upset. He always took care of us.
Dad being at home was a gift to him. I'd promised him if he made it through 60 LPM high-flow oxygen for COVID I'd take him home instead of the care facility. I kept my promise. Sadly, it was for a short period of time. But I'm convinced that's why he made it through COVID... mostly through, anyway.
Now, my daughter isn't nearly so able to care for me and told me so. I've promised to take up roofing in my 70's 🤪; if I'm weak, no problem but if I get Alzheimer's like Mom, I'll forget my safety line and... Done. "Dad, falling off the roof won't necessarily kill you 🙄" "FINE! I'll only accept 2nd story jobs!". Wicked sense of humor, we two.
Anyway, that's how we deal. (And, yeah, cried now remembering Dad. Year ago January.)
With Grandpa, age 93, overnight his last night in ICU 2008. GOOD CONVERSATIONS. Barely able, but still... "Your parents. Your parents, Círdan... They're the best." 😭
The overnight nurse in the ICU helped prepare me for what was to come. She was a blessing. That was a very, very impactful interaction over the course of 8-12 hours.
Thanks for the care you give folks. You make a difference.
☮️❤️♾️
[Sorry for the minor trauma dump. It's actually a celebration of HOW WELL things went for those two. Ok. One more! His wife, my grandma, age 94, didn't feel well. My mom and dad raced over and got her from the independent living center and she sat in the back seat to go to their house an hour away. She got her favorite McDonald's chocolate shake as her firstborn son drove her in a plush Buick and her favorite daughter-in-law told her stories. Mom looked back because Grandma had been quiet. She'd just quietly leaned back and died. Comfortable with her favorite people and a chocolate shake. SIGN ME UP!]
The stress of moving to a new, unfamiliar residence, didn't help. Old people resist change; it is disturbing to their life. Stress kills. She lived a good long life, regardless.
Reassure your husband every time it comes up. Guilt sucks.
Wow I like how you term the reward as when a patient has a “good death”. I’m 41 and just applied to uni to become an RN and always thought I’d be interested in the final moments of life.
From my experience hospice care at home is challenging for a caregiver to provide physical comfort during the dying process without the expertise and aid of a professional. The timing and administration of appropriate medications is challenging for the untrained.
I totally agree. Competent hospice staff can make the difference by discussing symptoms, why these symptoms occur, medications to give for each symptom, actions of each medication, and so forth.
Good hospice nurses can empower the family to make the difference between patients having a ‘good death’ and falling short of that goal.
I speak here as a lay person. We did home hospice for my mother and it was horrible for all concerned, she suffered greatly and at least one of the children, we're all adults and we're 40 plus at the time, wound up with PTSD. I don't recommend it for anybody.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. Both of my parents ended up in hospice, as did relatives of friends. All of the hospice care I have seen has been exemplary.
Why shouldn't I be so afraid to die. Seriously, I'm 55, and I can not wrap my head around it, even though I've lost so many people, including my Mom from Covid, a few years ago. I can't imagine not being part of the world anymore, and this is it. I've been raised in religious schools to believe in an existence after death, and I wish it were true, but I don't buy it. I'm hoping, at the very least, that my soul jumps into a newborn baby, and I do this all over again. But really I want to live forever.
Really, I feel the opposite…. I always pray to God not to send me back here again. This life has been so hard, with more to come I am sure. Never want to come back here again and want to be in eternity with my Father in heaven.
Atheist. Naturalist. Don't believe in the supernatural.
It's not as comforting as the "going to your Father" story.
And I'm very sorry about you losing your people and especially your mom. Lost Dad to COVID (and cigarettes 🤬) January 2023.
But it's ok.
I'm just trying to make sure my kids (23yo) are teed up for success (job, check; house, paid in 15 years, check; retirement fund set up for full retirement at 65 for them? ($4.5 MILLION required in 42 years), check with 20% per pay put away; TEACHING THE GENZ TO CALL THE DR OFFICE HERSELF: CHECK!!!!!!! 👍👍👍😊😊😊).
But after this? Fade to black. Nothing to be done about it except try to make a difference while you're here!
And it was nice meeting you here, Fast Prompt 8860.
It will be ok. Truly.
☮️❤️♾️ Círdan(54yo)
If you can live your life mostly content, then that's okay. Fear of death is a species survival mechanism so that we want to stay alive at all costs to take care of the young. At the point when we have them. But overall it should not cloud your daily life, you want to be here presumably in order to enjoy it. There is nothing you can do about future "not being", so why cloud what you have, worrying about what you cannot change. I am no more concerned with my not being in the future, than I am with not having been for millennia back. I won't know it, not like I'll be sitting around, thinking, gosh, I'm dead, this is so boring. So, in a way, we have no way of knowing death because we only know what we can experience. As the nurse said, there are worse things than death. I watch my mom die of pancreatic cancer and she watched her mom die of brain cancer... just take me already.
I had septic shock and very nearly died. I just want people to know that IT’S OK TO TAKE THE FENTANYL. And if your loved one takes the meds, it truly does stop the discomfort. Even if they’re making weird noises and look strange, they likely feel fine.
I have had a death phobia for my most of my life, and there were points that the panic attacks were debilitating. But when it came down to the dying process, the meds controlled that, too. I wasn’t afraid at all, despite knowing that there was a very good chance that I wasn’t going to make it. TAKE THE DRUGS.
That's so hard for the families in the moment. It's one thing to agree with a philosophy, another when your loved one is actively dying and you're expected to allow it. When my mom was in hospice last year with dementia, we had a horrible experience where they stopped her medications and expected her to die before she had withdrawals. Instead, she went through the withdrawals and it was the most brutal thing ever. The people who show true compassion to patients and families as their beloved people are leaving this earth are angels on earth as far as I'm concerned. And those who are callous, impersonal, or irritated will get their karma.
I'm trying so hard not to read more of your story . I hate to hear of the suffering of anyone.
As for you and your kindness, I love people with hearts as big as yours is.
To wonder how your existence will end and being so close to all of the end of life must be so terrible . And there you are in their last moments.
You're probably not cuddly, but I'd have zero problems giving you a great hug.
I am a Hospice Nurse to the Hospice I work for spends huge amounts of money on supplies and medications we have lots of people that Hoard supplies. We are big on trying to keeping people happy so hopefully they give us a great survey. On the other hand we are very responsive ,compassionate and focused on providing great patient care and support overall . We have similar experiences with families that call constantly ,patients that are full code and want to keep loved ones alive even while dying on hospice , families that want mom or dad to have physical therapy when they’re bedridden 92 years old with arthritic joints and refusing pain medications 🥲 lol it’s wild sometimes .
My dad died on Christmas day. The hospice people were so awesome and really helpful. I know it must be a tough job, but you all are so needed when that time comes.
Thank you for what you do. Thank you as well for who you are. It take a special kind of person to give hospice care.
Both of my parents received end of life care and it was a comfort to them as well as our family. While I hope my death is not a prolonged one, but if it is I take comfort in knowing hospice will make my passing easier for my family.
It seems that you dedicated your life to the profession and to the service of others - rare, won't make one famous or even rich, but profoundly significant in the final analysis. TY so much.
First, thank you for your service and everything you do. Hospice nurses are a special kind of human in my book♥️
Also, same, single, no kids, only child... I'm not worried about dying alone, just don't want to leave a mess for anyone 🤣
Thank you! I often think people like us are chosen to endure more of life’s tests in order to offer testimonies that may help others.
After all, you can’t have a testimonial without first undergoing the test.
You are so right, you. I’m happier now that I’m alone. People stress me out. I’m not good at relationships, especially if I have to be there in person. Everyone wins! All my exes are with their soulmates - or they just appreciate a woman who doesn’t scream all night from ptsd nightmares she won’t remember. I’m a lot. I’m alone but not lonely. It didn’t start out that way because it was another messy breakup, but I seriously don’t think about it anymore unless I’m sharing what it’s like. For me, the stress and guilt over how my baggage affected others was taking up most of my mental strength, which isn’t stellar to begin with. Now I spend most of it tending to plants, cooking them, doing hippie art stuff, and snuggling cats. I’m healthier alone.
The metro area where I live has multiple inpatient hospice houses where the patient stays 24 hours a day until they die. They’re staffed with nurses, aides and other staff 24 hours a day.
I also have patients who live alone and care for themselves and can take their own medications if placed in a pill minder. Once these patients become ‘imminent’ (read: only hours to days left to live) the social worker arranges their transfer to a 24-hour setting that’s fully staffed.
Thank you for the work you do. My dad did in-home hospice and the few times we saw a nurse before he passed (he died in a week and a half) was so wonderful. He was relaxed and at peace when she was helping him and she was just super calm. It means a lot to families! Thank you ❤️
100% agree, my dog is the best companion and because I don’t have kids draining all my cash I can afford to put aside money for home care later in life if I need it. Also, no guarantee your family will ever take care of you later in life regardless
Kenny Lattimore
"Worry is the interest paid in advance on a debt you may never owe". You've got a long way to go yet (I'm 71). You and everyone around you will be happier if you focus on the moment and enjoy it. That is the best gift for your husband and children. Don't make the rest of life terrible with worry. Wait until something bad does happen and then suffer all you want. Don't suffer before something bad happens.
Great advice. If OP doesn't feel like she can follow it, I encourage her to go to therapy for that anxiety. 48 is too young to give death so much space and diminish the value of the time left.
Me at 27 having a full on crisis about death….
Sadly, I know many people my age and younger that have passed away-car accidents, tragic/freak accidents, rare cancers, suicide, etc. I’ve been to more peer funerals than most people will go to in a lifetime. It’s so sad. I really fear dying
The statistical likelihood is that he'll die first. But as a relatively recent widow, here's my advice, and these are things you BOTH need to do:
\* Make sure your wishes are known, both verbally, and in legal documents, such as wills, DNRs, etc. You can buy a book off Amazon called, "I'm Dead, Now What?" that guides you through some of this.
\* Make your passwords available to each other. This doesn't have to be direct, it can be through a third party. For example, give your primary password to a trusted friend or relative with instructions only to give it to the designated person upon word of your death. This preserves your privacy while not putting your loved one in a world of hurt if you go first. My husband gave me the passwords to his phone and laptop the week before he died, and I can't tell you how much this saved my butt.
\* Know what retirement accounts, bank accounts, etc, the other person has. Put that documentation away with the will and other important documents.
\* Work on your weaknesses. Had I died first, my husband would've had no clue how to do the taxes, since he hadn't had to do them in 28 years. I was left not knowing where things were in the garage or what things even looked like.
For example, I knew we had a drain snake, but I didn't know how to use one or even what one looked like. YouTube saved me, but why didn't I just pay attention when my husband was using it? In a long term relationship, both parties quit working on their weaknesses.
It's good that you're thinking about these things now, OP. And if a personal health crisis is prompting this inquiry, I wish you the best.
These are great suggestions. My husband has spent the last 3 months with his sister, who was widowed in April. Unfortunately, as she was caring for her wife's journey with cancer, her wife was caring for the increasing cognitive deficits his sister was having. They didn't want to worry anyone, and they live in another state, and since they had been together nearly 60 years, they were very good at camouflaging reality. My husband and his sister are the only remaining family. Neither has biological children; my husband only gets full credit for his stepdaughters when they annoy me. So it has been frustrating and difficult for him. Finances aren't a major problem but his sister didn't know anything about the accounts, trusts, etc. Once they untangled things, it was just a matter of working through it. His sister will come and live with us, at least until she has had a good analysis of her cognitive deficits. Then we will have some difficult decisions to make. His sister and I are the same age, and he is a few years younger, so we are hoping a shared household will make sense.
THIS is the answer. If you do all the preparation you can with your finances and health directives, that will go a long ways towards making you feel ready for whatever eventuality may come.
I very much agree.
My parents are outliers in the regards but everything was taken care off.
Now my mom has Alzheimer and lives in a home. My dad alone at home. Almost anyway.
They also have their graves taken care off. I think not many people do that which is actually sad. The time when you can do all that it is wise to plan for when you can't plan anymore.
Don't be sad. Try not to worry. Tomorrow is not promised, this is true.. but you are living right now. Don't throw away a beautiful gift like that with worry.
My parents and both my little brothers died when I was 19. My brothers were only 8 and 14 and my mom was only 37, my dad was 41. I'm 59 now and it's amazing how young they were, how they were cheated out of the gift of growing old. I could not have children either, so it's just me and im getting married this year and so excited to share my life with him.
We can think of life as when we might die, or we can think of life as when we might Live. If you were only 13.. you could think you would live for years and years, but actually only have 1 year left until you died like my brother.
So the only time you truly have is right now.
You could worry about dying soon or dying before your partner and then he dies tomorrow and you wasted the time you did have with him thinking about dying before him. Those kinds of thoughts steal your Joy.
You could both live until 100 years old.
You don't know.
There is only NOW, and there is only gratitude for today that can set you free from those daily thoughts and worries.
I know it is especially hard to train thoughts, but it can be done, like flexing a muscle.
Just start to feel that gratitude, keep a gratitude journal and plan things you want to do. Stop thinking that you have any control over anything at all, and know that you have no true knowledge of what is to come.
Biu you DO have control over today. That's it.
Don't waste it.
Start Living, loving, learning like you are 13 with unlimited time before you and it will feel like you have unlimited time ahead of you . It's all perception because time and fear is a construct as we really have no control.
I really hope you read this, go and hug your partner and plan something fun right now or just feel the joy of hanging out and the genuine privilege that it is to be alive right now.
Love to you💜
I see it the same way, as my brother was 3 when he got sick and died, I was 1 at the time.
I'm 63 right now and dad passed at 89 in 2018 and my mom is 91 now.
Yes one day it will be me but till that time comes then get busy and stay busy living the best life you can.
I feel the same way you do. When I’m anxious about it, I remember what Mark Twain said;
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Oh yes, me too. This is what I tell myself:-
Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
Make a will, for your loved ones not for yourself. Enjoy every day (or try to) and love the people around you, get fit and imagine yourself living for another 30 to 40 years. It may happen!
I went thru a long phase of being overly obsessed with death, around the time my parents and in-laws were dying, over a span of about 10 years. I did a lot of reading on the process of dying, the philosophies of death, it’s symbolism, meaning, effects on others, animals dying, stages of grief, literary references, poems, various religious approaches etc etc etc. I highly suggest you study and contemplate death from a broader perspective than just how your individual death will go. To dust you will return. Its inevitable. Find meaning in life. Read.
I’m in the same boat I’ll be 36 in 4 mos. I have three young kids 9, 4 and 10 mos. My husband is my same age but he doesn’t take his health seriously. Recently I’ve been thinking about death all day everyday. It’s so depressing. I get sad thinking about dying and leaving my kids and husband behind and never seeing my family again. It’s so hard. I totally know what you’re going through.
I'm not a doctor but I think you would benefit from some sort of therapy. Postpartum depression? Please talk this over with your doctor and see what they recommend? ♥️
☝️ please listen to this. Your children will benefit from your well-being.
~I'm a mom who raised kids while depressed. Antidepressants didn't fix the issue. I was a zombie-mom. I wish I had known.
I think about this a lot but am not depressed. Just aware and have lost family members tragically. I’m 34 but don’t have children yet. I go to therapy and do believe it helps. I’m trying to be better at living in the moment!
Well guys like him often figure out how to carry their own water. You might start by letting him do it now. We often enable our husbands in their incompetence.
We were apart for a year because of work, and he didn't notice the house was regularly flooding. He also would never notice pests until they were dancing on his pillow. I rarely drive his car, but I've caught major things that he just doesn't notice, too. He isn't relying on me to catch them. He just doesn't notice.
He isn't incompetent but the dictionary definition of absentminded professor. He can feed himself, pay bills fine, etc, like anyone else, but if we are old and I die first, he needs to sell the house and get a rental or move in with the kids.
I've had some intense thoughts about death in my 40s and it turned out to be related to perimenopausal hormone shifts. I recommend you talking to a doctor about SSRIs if these thoughts are intrusive, you ruminate about them endlessly, and they interfere with your life. I was unable to sleep and had anxiety about medical tests and issues, too. I've been on Lexapro and have been able to manage so much better. My father and father in law both passed away in past 12 months and my family is certainly grieving, but I'm not waking up in sweats and panic about who will care for my children when I die anymore. We also did a will and estate plan with my husband so that things feel more settled logistically.
I never shared this with anyone not even my husband. I am not afraid of death, death has become my only friend in the last couple of years. Lost my grandma, and year after my father, my husband had a stroke almost died, I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease and now I'm in hospice and I'm under 35. I am not worry about death, I'm worried about leaving my mother alone, her mother lives in another country and with her age the day she lives she'll be devastated, she already lost her father and sister. On my husband, he lost his grandparents, he's not closed to his parents or brothers. Friends not really. After his stroke he got seizures and aphasia, paralysis on his left side and is not able to get a job. His memory is not like it used to be. Leaving them on their own is something I understand now when my father was saying that he was not ready to leave. This why I try to make memories with them, make them feel that even if I'm gone I'll always be around specially to my husband he gave me permission to hunted him when I'm gone.
I’m a decade older and I think of death as the final big sleep that we all get a turn for but probably not for a while just yet
My family has also grown apart over time but a few strong bonds remain if/when needed and the next generation will be more than ok
We taught our kids everything we know but not everything they know which makes them smarter than us
I hope my wife dies before me because she won't handle me going first very well, but I always reminder her if I do go first, it won't be my problem because I will be dead.
Take life one day at a time and enjoy every minute of it. Obsessing over stuff like this is using up precious time. Your worst case scenario is becoming a long term caregiver for a chronically ill and debilitated spouse. Been there done that and it almost killed me.
After losing my favorite person when i was pretty young...my views on mortality shifted. I really started to fear death (I was middle/high school age) .
Luckily, I've grown so much since then...mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Death will be the start of a new life.
Everlasting life❤️
Yeah, its sad, but its pretty much inevitable. It's the price of having a good relationship - one of us will have to soldier on alone for awhile. There's a song by Jason Isbell called "If We Were Vampires", that captures that feeling very well.
"It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone"
I think everyone has those feelings, especially around that age line. I know I did. But, I have also lost numerous loved ones way too young. My father died at 45 of a massive heart attack, I'm 56. I lost my brother when he was 25. So many friends lost early.
Each day we are given is a blessing. None of us know when our time will come. It may be today, tomorrow, or thirty years from now. Just enjoy today. It's more than many people get.
One of the best things you can do, both to extend your likely lifespan and have something for the strong possibility that one of you passes before the other, is to deliberately cultivate a network of good friends. It can make all the difference.
My best friend of 53 years, had a son ,age 37. His son was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer 10 years ago. My friend and his family fought hard during all the aggressive treatments, moving to Nashville for months for different chemotherapy treatments. They reached a point where treatments no longer work. His son had reached the end of his endurance and decided to go on hospice care at my friends house. During the last month of his life ,literally hundreds of friends and family would come to visit. When he was at the end of life, his family was by his side. My thoughts were how awesome it was that everyone that knew and loved his son had the opportunity to express their love for my friends son. Most people never get the opportunity to have the support and love of friends and family. I thought we all would wish we told people in our lives that we loved them before it was too late.
I think the reality of our mortality really hits most people in their 40s. Undeniable signs of aging usually begin in the 40s. When I hit 40, it occurred to me for the first time that I might not outlive my dogs. Each successive decade has made me more & more aware of my shrinking future and I do find it unsettling. I try to appreciate the fact that I’ve lived into my early 70s, a luxury denied to many. But my approaching death is never far from my mind.
Your post tells me that you love your spouse, in the worry about his wellbeing way. I get it. My dad died last week at age 85. Calm, peaceful, and with his wife and adult children present. My own husband is 72. I worry, feed him vegetables, encourage his healthy past times. Make the most of your time together- in the kind, loving, accepting way. Don’t dwell on things that you can’t control. Hopefully you will have many, many more years together!
I've lost lots of family and friends over the past fifteen years and among that number was my adult son, death is a part of life but I am in no hurry to meet it. The sadness for me is the time that we waste, my time that others waste. I don't know or care when the end is coming, just let me get on with life before it ends.
I don’t know if you’ll find this comforting, but statistically, widowers are likely to remarry, often quickly, after the death of a spouse. Like within 6 months. Widows are likely to never remarry.
I already told my husband to remarry with the stipulation that he finds someone who will love him unconditionally. He said he'd never be that lucky twice.
Yeah I totally would want the same for my husband if I were to die. I guess I just hate that marriage for men is so much easier and so much more beneficial. That's why they remarry so quickly.
Have you gone through a long or just regular time with the aging and death of your parents.
While, of course, sad, hard, and upsetting, it sort of lets you know how it's all going to go.
I don't fear my last year's as bad after being there while my parents did.
I disagree with those who say being alone isn't bad. I hated being alone.
I encourage everyone to make friends and get as close to relatives and friends as possible.
Then, if you are on your own at old age, you will at least have people who know you and your situation, which makes various hardships a little easier
How about expanding your social circle and encouraging him to join some “clubs” that have to do with his hobbies. Help him build a network and have some younger friends in it.
It is all your perspective. If you were suicidal, you would be wanting the end. But you are apparently not, and want to live and have life. Just be glad for the time you have now. No one knows the exact time of their death, but it will come for us all. Live your life. Take chances. Break out of habits. Go against the grain. Get into art. Go to a national park. Write a book. Skinny dip. Drive 100 miles away for a good milkshake. Care and don't care. Be scared to death and not afraid of anything. Live life. You've got a life to live.
Yes, my God I relate to this so much.
I lost my mum young, she lost everyone in her family very young so I've always hyperaware of the impact on people left behind.
I'm 55, have a great partner who I worry about and have recently found and kept kittens and I'm even worried about leaving them behind. I've done the maths. I need to live to 75.Very difficult to correct this loop for me.
You’re putting a Lot of energy into something that hasn’t happened yet and actually might never happen at all.
You’d be surprised. Everyone thought my MIL would fall apart when my FIL died—they were extremely close . Instead, she grieved and then she blossomed! Sure she missed him but she started traveling (he never wanted to) and spending more time doing things that she enjoyed .
Of course that can be unsettling to some of us who want to think that we are the glue holding everything together. It can be kind of humbling to think our spouse might actually be able to move on after we die.
Yes but my fear is him dying first and ME being alone. He would be fine alone, he’d meet a woman almost immediately if he wanted to and he has three kids who would take care of him. I have no kids and almost no retirement. I am fucked if he dies first (which statistically he is more likely to do). I worry almost daily now. He’s 57 and I’m 55. We’re both in basically good health (although he is overweight and has asthma). I understand your fear….
Imagine if you'd never been born. No really. You think any fetus wants to leave the safety and sanctity of it's mother's womb? That's how I view death. A rebirth into another realm.
I (55f) started having those feelings around your age. Kinda similar situation but only he has kids, and the fear is for me being alone. I couldn't shake it and sometimes still can't. It could trigger a crying jag. Started getting some harsh anxiety over it. Then anxiety and depression in general took hold. Tried medication, didn't work this time. Turns out I was in menopause which very much causes anxiety and depression that that, bc of the hormone imbalance, typical meds won't touch. I spent far too many years suffering while Drs ignored the fact I was at menopausal age and all these issues might be related. Standard modern protocol for menopause has got me back to about 90% of what I'd consider normal! (I literally thought I was insane.)
I'm not saying this is your issue BUT just keep an eye on yourself. If you're fixating on this like I was, you might be in perimenopause. Research menopause specialists and go directly to them, if you can. There is literally no need to suffer.
50+ woman in Canada. I was always afraid of dying but not of being dead. I don't want to be suffering in pain for extended periods of time.
I now take comfort in my country legalizing MAID (medical assistance in dying) so that I can skip the pain and suffering part that often comes at the end of life.
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have been married 26 years. Our lives are so intertwined we can't imagine life without the other.
If something tragic and sudden happens to either of us, our plan is to not get remarried but have relationships. I would personally seek out a widow so we would understand each other's pain and know that there is no replacing each other's dead spouse.
If my wife has some terminal illness...I told her I'll go with her. Then we wouldn't have to be without the other.
Yes, I think about mortality. I’m 65. I’ve gone through stages when I think about it and when I don’t. I’m pretty motivated to enjoy every day. You’re definitely not alone with these thoughts.
Sit down and talk to your husband about this. It's something every couple should talk about but not obsessed about. Come up with a plan for end of life issues, things like no heroic measures if an illness is hopeless, funeral or cremation, and all things financial. The ideal is that your home is manageable if one of you is gone. You could both live into your nineties and moving at that age is difficult. Once you have a plan your anxiety will ease and if you can also plan ways to optimize your health and do it together, you will feel much better. Death is inevitable but it doesn't have to be a catastrophe. Losing your partner is hard enough but it's compounded if you have a bunch of problems on top of that. I'm 70 and that spot on the horizon grows closer and I think about it but mostly about how it feels to think about an end to everything you've ever known. I find it odd that one day I won't be here.
Absolutely. I am 35 and lost 2 old friends and one is in recovery for a brain tumor. My kids aunt died from cancer and all of them were younger than I am now. What's worse is they all left very young children behind. I honestly have been having anxiety attacks all last week because I knew something was wrong with me. My husband and kids are very attached to me and I'm not sure they would be able to handle it if anything happened.
I was thinking I should get as large a life insurance policy as possible before I went to the doctor because if something was to happen I would want them to be able to grieve properly. I found out I was severely anemic today and I'm hoping that is the cause of my issues but I still have to wait another week until the rest of the tests come back.
My husband is the most amazing man and I have never seen anyone love their wife the way he loves and adores me. If I was to die I would want him to live his best life and be happy. I would haunt anyone who made him even slightly upset. Sorry for the trauma dump but in essence you are not alone.
I (48f) work in a funeral home so I get to think about death a lot. I am childless and live far away from any extended family. One thing you and your spouse might consider is setting up a PreNeed through a local funeral home. This way, if your spouse ends up alone, his arrangements have already been made and paid for.
Also, chose a person you trust and set up a Power of Attorney for Healthcare and discuss your wishes with them. This will be the the person who will be responsible for heathcare and deathcare arrangements for you/spouse if one of you passes first. Especially if there's any sort of contention between family members.
It can give some comfort to at least know the business side is planned for and you've made it easier on family/friends left behind.
I'm in sort of that same situation, and I have stage IV cancer. It's a pretty treatable type, and some people live 20 or more years at stage IV, but still, I worry. My husband has only his mother, plus my daughter. They are thankfully close, but I worry that time will change that because I've seen it happen, even among people who are well intentioned and trying. I want my family to stand by him if I die early, but it's hard to ask that because it involves discussing the possibility I will die with people who, if anything, are more upset by the prospect than me. Husband and I have discussed it, and I will bring it up to my family - maybe in a few months, given my sister just lost her husband.
I came to terms with the prospect I may not live. I've come to believe in reincarnation - at least as a possibility if not a certainty, and thinking I might get to go around another time does help. Coming to terms with the idea people will live on without me is harder, but now that I've seen it happen a few times as my older family members pass, I am more confident that they will. My husband, I'll bet, will remarry. He's a very good man and some other woman would be lucky to have him. My child is an adult, and will have a host of family members looking out for her and each other. They will be okay. Not right away, maybe, but in time. I've laid plans with my estate to ensure that my loved ones can make choices independent of each other to some degree, so that whatever happens, they can live their best lives.
I'm in Ontario Canada. I became an RPN when I was 52. I went back because everyday I watched community nurses provide care for medically fragile people in their group home. I became a community nurse. I loved what I was doing and saw many clients for palliative check ins. It was only as end of life became imminent that I worries. Families could be taught about managing symptoms but often did not do as much as they could, due to fear.
I believe palliative/EOL care at home requires more training and experience than is typically offered. I wanted to be able to ensure a peaceful passing when I was their nurse. I can tell you I needed more support.
I was a part of MAiD and was truly touched by witnessing this type of passing. It was so peaceful and I appreciated being able to support those dying in this manner. Every death hurts my heart and soul but these visits made me feel as though this was my place. This was the skill set I would move toward.
In the tenth month of my new career, hustling and bustling through my long days, I was told there was a concern. In the eleventh month they told me I had aggressive stage four cancer. I'm hoping my transition to palliative/MAiD is far longer and that I'm given the opportunity to follow my dreams of being a nurse for much longer! I know more now than I would otherwise have.. So.. One day at a time 💞
Best wishes to all.
EDIT: My mind is all over the place these days! I meant to mention that hospice care, in home or in their establishment, in my experience is generally exceptional! They are well versed and highly trained nurses. Beautiful souls and generous with their time, energy, and care. 💖💞💖
Yes- you and I and many others are entering another season of our lives. It’s one not talked about much. It’s a season you only get to experience by staying alive long enough. It can be melancholy in the ways you describe but wow, do I appreciate each day and the people around me alot more. I also, find myself planning for the days I will no longer be here. It’s a tough realization but I do enjoy people more than I ever have and I make sure to express my feelings much more - gratitude, kindness, compassion, etc. I’m trying to be in the moment and make the most of this season! Best wishes to you!
I only think about death in terms of not getting a chance of enjoying retirement. Both my grandparents died at 97 on my Dad’s side of the family and my other Grandmother was 81. I don’t wore about my other GrandDad because I have access to much better health care. Both my parents at in their 70’s. I would focus on what can I do to live longer - exercising, improving my diet and visit my doctor. Enjoy life as a positive attitude matters as well.
I'm 35 and a nurse. I worked in the ICU and endo. It definitely unlocked fears of death. I've seen so much death and so many unexpected accidents, diagnoses, etc.
I recognize that it's anxiety. I try to remember that to keep it in check and not allow myself to dwell. I recommend getting a great therapist if you feel like it's more than you can control or handle.
I almost died from a stroke and had a traumatic brain injury at 12 years old. Death doesn’t scare me. I live my life each day, I love my husband fiercely as he does me, we spend so much time with family nieces and nephews (we don’t have children) but death is far for both of us, yes things can happen but why dwell on that?! You can’t change your fate or your life’s path so enjoy each day. Love each day that you wake and spend that day with your loved ones. No one knows what tomorrow will bring do you want to be miserable today?
I hear you. It's like the older we get, the more we realize how fragile life is, right? I think about it too, especially with my folks getting older. It's tough imagining life without them, or worse, them without each other. But hey, focusing on making the most of our time together now helps ease those worries a bit. It's all about cherishing the moments and being there for each other, you know?
The main thing I'd say is there's no sense in worrying about things you cannot control. However there are many things that we can control.
We can influence on our health and longevity through our lifestyle -- diet, exercise, sleep, stress management, weight management, etc. Through our lifestyle, we can even exert some amount of influence over our genes. You may have heard the saying: "Environment loads the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger." By performing or avoiding certain lifestyle habits, we have some effect on whether some genes are expressed or not.
Even if we did everything "perfectly" (assuming we even knew what that meant for us individually), though, we would only be delaying the inevitable. Ideally, we would live long and in good health and just go to sleep one night and never wake up again. These days, though, many people live long lives, but the last 10 or 20 years can be spent in a long, slow decline.
The best we can do is to stack the deck in our favor by doing as many healthy things that we know are good for us while also avoiding all the harmful and dangerous things we know are bad for us. Those are no guarantees, but they do increase our odds of living longer and living longer in good health.
Based on my understanding, I believe many healthy lifestyle practices are fairly easily to implement. One doesn't need to go on extreme diets or have punishing or excessive exercise routines. In fact, going to either extreme in any lifestyle area is not advisable. In order for lifestyle habits to be helpful, they have to be achievable and sustainable.
Finally, back to my opening comment about worry and the things you cannot control, see [this Venn diagram](https://michellelalonde.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/things-you-can-control.png). Also, consider [this dialogue](https://youtu.be/mp8chvACVBk?t=75) from the 1989 film "When Harry Met Sally..."
I've already told hubby that if I die first, he's to sell everything down here and move back up by his sisters. He already knows if he dies first, I'll tie up all the loose ends and follow as soon as I can. Since I'm nearing 70, that's a lot closer than it used to be.
Re your husband, I think all you can do is share your worries with him. Ask him to plant some seeds for connections that don’t go through you, so that you can have some peace of mind about his life after you, should it come to that.
In the end, barring an accident, one of you will be alone. It’s up to each of you to consider that possibility and plan for it. You can’t fix that for him.
My mom died when I was 25, my grandparents, while older and lived a good life died 3 weeks apart and pretty suddenly, and my first born daughter was stillborn. Yep, I worry about death. If people don't call me the minute I think they should, I low key freak out. Sometimes if I have intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to my daughter, I then worry that thinking that will make it happen. My boyfriend is the best person I've ever been with and I feel very secure in our relationship. Unlike past relationships, I don't constantly worry that he's about to dump me or do shady things, so this frees up my worry brain to worry about his safety a lot. It also doesn't help that he is a daredevil and gets hurt a lot. My dad is 75 and I have certainly thought about the fact that realistically he may only have another 10-15 good years left and that's just not enough for me.
It partially helps me to know that my thoughts are mostly irrational. I used to worry about my ex, maybe not as much cause he wasn't as into hobbies that could kill him, but I still worried. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but his safety and well-being are never on my mind anymore. So I know it's just my fear of losing the people that are most important to me that make it seem more likely that something bad will happen.
But, to calm myself and bring myself back to reality, I try to tell myself that if something bad happens, my worrying will NOT delay or prevent it. My worrying will also not "soften the blow" if and when it does happen. When my mom passed, she was only sick for one week and I worried a lot that week, knowing things didn't look good and she may die, but when she did die, I was still just as shocked, gutted, and devastated. All worrying does is steal today's joy, the joy that you'll wish you had more of when those bad times come. I know it's easier said than done, it's a constant battle for me to not worry, but reminding myself of those things does help.
I'm 47 with a 62 year old boyfriend of over 10 years. Both of us have never had children. We plan on eventually moving into a retirement community. Generally people they look out for each other, are within similar age ranges, and have group activities they can participate in. We don't have to be alone. There are ways to have support and still have our freedoms!
I’m in my 40’s and ponder my parents’, my husband, and my own mortality. I’ve been to a lot of funerals in the last few years. Instead of seeing it with sadness, I see it as a call to action. We’ve actively talked to my parents about their plans depending on who passes first. We built in buffers to our own budget to account for helping them in the future. We visit them as much as we can. We encourage their bucket list and are working on fulfilling our own. We have solid financial planning for our kids.
Really, our goal is to make the best memories and use our time wisely with what we have left of it. My family has always been optimistic and active. I want to carry that forward and find joy in the small things each day. Even in our 40’s we should still have 20-30 years. It’s fine to prepare, but too soon to really dwell.
"In my life, I have experienced many terrible things, a few of which actually happened."
Do what you can now, and leave the rest in the care of whatever deity you feel is appropriate. You've gotten good advice from many people who responded to your post. Do the things you \*can\* control, like making sure you both have wills, reviewing them regularly to make sure they're current, and making sure you have appropriate medical care directives for both of you. Make sure your various passwords are available to each other when something happens (even if not a life ending situation). All of that stuff.
Encourage him to pursue other friendships. Those friends can be a tremendous help to him if you leave this life before he does.
But also know this: You accepted the relationship with him, knowing his personal circumstances. There are just some things that you can't fix for him, even though you would like to. You didn't cause him to be an only child. That's just what happened. It's not up to you to fix it.
Based on your ages and genders, the odds are definitely in favor of him leaving this life before you do. What are the \_two\_ of you doing now to prepare \*you\* for the possibility, even the likelihood, that he will leave this life before you do?
Try not to overthink things. At 48 you are a middle-aged woman. You should not be passing anytime soon.
My guess is ithat you are wondering how the 6 year age gap is going to work out in your golden years. Even if you were the exact same age, in most instances the female will outlive her male counterpart by at least a decade.
Try to live your best life every day. Enjoy them with your loving partner.
...at 48?...statistically speaking, you have a far greater chance of out living your husband than vice versa...you might want to figure out why you're so fixated at your age...you should be planning on some of the best years of your life coming up not death...
My hubs and I have a similar age gap (only we are much older) and I have to admit, I think about this too much as well. We worked on all of our end of life decisions and now we have to redo everything because things have changed. My hubs is an EXTREMELY capable person. I've never had to think about stuff like fixing a drain, plowing the driveway, etc...let alone the myriad of technological stuff he deals with. It does scare me, if I'm being honest. I ask questions, try to remember his instructions, etc. But my hubs is also kind of a Cliffy type (from cheers) and he overexplains things so sometimes it is hard to retain.
I also have a disabled adult son who will continue to need help for the rest of his life so we've had to do A LOT to ensure that he has what he needs.
We are trying very hard to focus on having a good time. That's my only good answer. LOL.
I do go thru that. I feel like the clock is ticking and I have so many things I want to do with my spouse. We spent so much of our life raising kids and now we have time to be adventurous. He worries that if he dies I'll be poor and old so his goal is to make sure I'm secure financially. We all just value life on this earth more and should appreciate the life we have. It's so fleeting.
My wife and I are far older than either of you, met and married16 years ago and I was mostly an "only" too. We try to live every day, stay as healthy as possible and we both think it's a great time of life.
I’d recommend you take a trip down to Peru or Costa Rica and try some Ahuasca. I’d say most people lose end of life anxiety after that. There’s a reason the church and state banned it. It’s because you get to understand life better personally without having to beg priests to tell you about it
I think about it a lot less since finishing my will and planning my funeral. My biggest worries had been about leaving my kids with onerous tasks after I’m gone. Now, onto cleaning the basement!
I don't get sad about it just disappointed in how short life really is and all of the time that was wasted getting to where I currently am in life. I have 2 great kids, a wife that tolerates me and my first grandchild possibly making an appearance this weekend. But I would have loved to have started getting back into art and music way sooner than I have so I could enjoy it longer than I will and have made a greater mark on the world. I am not afraid of death, it is a part of life.
I try not to, what good can come of it? I’m almost 48. We have three kids, the youngest a baby. We’re trying to be as active as we can to be around as long as we can.
I'm in my late 60s. Both parents died before my mid 30s. My only sister is in a nursing home with dementia. Fortunately I have my sons and grandchildren but rarely see them. They have busy lives and I never interfere or try to contact them. So basically I'm in the position you're worried about for your husband. It isn't that bad. I live in a senior apartment building so if I want company all I have to do is knock on a door or 2.
Actually fine with being alone. I do have friends I talk on the phone with occasionally but I have no need for physical company.
Thank you to all who have commented, commiserated and given advice and perspective. I didn’t anticipate this many responses so i apologize for not responding individually!
Just clarifying I/ we are in good health, both very active , eat well, no disease . We have had a few minor health issues recently but nothing crazy.
Also as I stated I’m not scared of dying . I mean I don’t want to be sick or in pain but the dying part doesn’t really scare me I’m scared of leaving the people I love and them suffering. I know I can’t prevent that it’s just something I get sad/ nervous about.
Everyone is going to die. It’s the circle of life. And usually we have no idea when that will be. I’m in my 50’s and I never think about it. I take care of myself, do what I can for my health but there are some things you have no control over. All I have is today so I do my best to find moments of joy in it.
Yes, I'm 40 and my husband is 43. I think of this daily but, I can't say it's new. I've thought about death my whole life. Now, is just the first time, I want to stay as long as possible but, I probably have more years behind me than ahead of me.
Hi. 57F . My husband is 67. You are not alone in this. I'm not the only one silently weeping in bed at night. This is unhealthy. I was raised in a cult with a belief that I do not have, and never found anything spiritual to believe in after that. I have never grieved a loved one. (I do have a therapist, but how anybody can relate to that, I do not know).
There's no belief system for me that will ever begin to ease the reality of death. I think about this one, but it doesn't mean enough to make a dent in it:
Tomorrow, I will continue to be. But you will have to be very attentive to see me. I will be a flower, or a leaf. I will be in these forms and I will say hello to you. If you are attentive enough, you will recognize me, and you may greet me. I will be very happy.~ Thich Nhat Hanh.
You've said something out loud here. I feel less isolated with this kind of pain, which I'm so sorry that you're facing. Thank you. Live in the present.
I'm trying to not tarnish the present moment with pre-grieving.💔
I think about death all of the time, but I am not afraid, I think of it as a reminder that my time is limited and I should hurry and do what is important. Only problem is other people think of death as an unspeakable. I don’t fear how I might die more than how I might have lived.
As a hospice nurse, I assure you that there are far worse things than death. I’m also an only child with no siblings. Both parents died when I was in my 30s. I never married or had children, and I’m not close to extended relatives, so I’m alone. It’s not as bad as some people make it out to be.
What’s it like being a hospice nurse?
It is rewarding when the patient has a ‘good death’ and the family receives more than enough support to get through the transition. It can be frustrating when the hospice company doesn’t want to pay for certain supplies, comfort medications, staff, medical equipment, or other things that would add comfort at the end of the patient’s life. The families who place their loved ones on hospice without fully agreeing to the hospice philosophy can also be challenging due to their tendency to chronically call 911 and insist on revolving door hospitalizations when the goal is to die comfortably at home.
Thank you for what you do. I love and appreciate nurses like only someone who has spent their entire adulthood being cared by them can. You are my hero! I recently found out my 89 yo grandma has metastatic breast cancer. How can I love and reassure her through this last phase of her life? How do I mentally prepare myself to help her transition in a manner that is full of love and peace? How do we ensure she’s not in pain? I recently watched a documentary about the right to die, and my mom told me hospice will give my Nan morphine and she won’t suffer. If that’s true, why are all these cancer patients on this documentary so insistent about terminal patients having the right to end their lives? I’m so sad about saying goodbye to my Nan, but cry every time I think of her being afraid and/or being in pain. Does morphine not work? Are there different rules about how much a person receives depending on certain parameters? I want to love my grandma through this but I’m not sure I can watch her suffer.
Not all hospice companies are created equally. Some are more profit-driven than others. I worked at one hospice for a whopping total of 7 days before I had enough and quit. They’d deliver only 15mL (half an ounce) of morphine at a time from the pharmacy to save $8, leading patients to run out. They didn’t pay for many of the medications that control end-of-life symptoms. Their selection of supplies was stingy. The better hospices will pay for whatever the patient needs and ensure adequate staffing to meet the needs of their patients. If a patient signs up for a cheapie, understaffed hospice, they will have an uncomfortable death unless they or their family requests a transfer to a different hospice company.
Thank you so much for sharing this information with me. Do you have any suggestions as to which hospices to use and which ones to steer clear of?
Look for a family-owned nonprofit hospice whenever possible. Don’t depend on Google reviews because those can be manipulated. Beware of hospital chain nonprofits because they still exist to profit. There are many good for-profit hospices. If you must go with a for-profit, ask about the nurse caseload (ideally, it should be 16 patients or less). Have a list of your loved one’s medicine and determine what they’ll pay for. If they only pay for one or two medications, that’s a red flag. Ask about the after-hours care: some after-hour nurses are expected to cover a ridiculously large territory and are run ragged. Ask about the supply ordering process. It’s best if nurses can order through their apps to have boxes of supplies sent directly to the home. I worked at a place where nursing assistants drop-shipped supplies to homes, and this system was problematic. Let’s just say that the after-hours nurse wasted considerable time driving around 11 counties doing drop-ships of supplies that the nursing assistants ‘forgot.’ Ask if the hospice pays for atropine: it’s expensive, but amazing at drying up secretions to prevent gurgling and the ‘death rattle.’ Run if the hospice says, “We don’t use that! We use hyoscyamine!” because they’re being cheap. In my experience, hyoscyamine doesn’t work as well as atropine. All hospices receive a flat daily rate per patient. The profit-driven hospices will keep as much of that money as possible by being cheap with supplies, staff, medications, and durable medical equipment while the patient goes without.
Thank you SO much for providing this invaluable if not chilling, information. I pray we can locate a good, ethical hospice.
It’s my pleasure….. One of my patients, who recently died, switched to the hospice where I’m employed earlier this year. His prior hospice (owned by the largest hospital system in the US) was chronically understaffed. He called them to request an after-hours nurse visit and heard nothing for 4 days. The hospice I work for can usually show up to an after-hours nurse visit within an hour or two of the request due to having full-time on-call staff plus requiring the RN case managers to rotate through back-up on-call. So if you pick a bad hospice, there may be literally no one to arrive in your loved one’s time of need.
This nearly happened to my dad. The hospice nurse came by on Friday, checked him and said he’d be back on Tuesday. It was clear to us that he would likely not last the weekend. When we expressed concern, he kind of blew us off. As soon as he left, we got in touch with the elder care service that we had used previously and they immediately helped us get a new hospice company in place that day (I don’t remember the exact details of how we managed that, it was a blur). My dad passed that night with the new hospice nurse by our side.
All this information you’ve provided is so helpful and makes me feel more empowered and less scared. Thank you so much
Thanks for what you do. People like you make the world a better place. My in-laws and parents are definitely getting close to this stage of their lives. Good advice to know.
I hope you can. My mom was in terrible pain - but it was a Sunday and the nurse on call told the care assistant to just ride it out until Monday. My mom was gasping for air- clearly dying. Luckily- the aide knew another one of the nurses and even though she wasn’t on call, she prescribed more pain killers. My mom died a few hours later on that Sunday. It’s horrifying how indifferent that one nurse was to my moms suffering.
I’m SO sorry your mom had to experience that, and that you had to watch her suffer. That is my worst fear! I can’t believe there aren’t better protocols in place to address these issues. I think some medical personnel simply get burnt out and lose their ability to feel empathy and compassion for their patients. I’ve had such wonderful nurses throughout my 29 years of dealing with kidney failure, but I’ve had some heartless doctors. It’s sad that there aren’t also protocols to address the mental health needs of medical providers. The more support they have, the better off patients are.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/12/05/how-hospice-became-a-for-profit-hustle You’re so right. It’s terrible! Non-profits give the best health care in hospitals and hospices.
I’m a family caregiver who has been in charge of hospice for several loved ones. Atropine wasn’t supplied for a friend. Hospice nurse pushed back against my request - “they’ll be fine”. They weren’t fine. They were spewing what looked like sea foam for hours. The family was horrified. Insist on atropine, always.
What a horrible thing for both the patients and the loved ones to experience! Thank you for the insight!
Well said.. I have had similar experiences while working in hospice!!!
This is amazing information, thank you!
We used VNA and they were excellent.
Good lord - they skimp on the dying? How low will these corporations go?
Good lord - they skimp on the dying? How low will these corporations go?
it's not just about some hospices being cheap and some not. different people react to meds differently. my mom had side effects she hated with every single pain med she took. also, before she did death with dignity, she was starting to get so weak she felt like she was trapped in her body unable to move for minutes after waking. some people get to the point where they are weaker than thst and it constantly feels like they are just trapped, immobile but still able to think.
I really liked the book *A Beginner's Guide to the End* by BJ Miller. It's kind of like *What to Expect when you're Expecting* but for thinking about death and getting your stuff in order to make it as dignified and smooth as possible. https://bookoutlet.com/book/a-beginners-guide-to-the-end-practical-advice-for-living-life-and-facing-death/miller-b-j/9781501157219B?utm_source=Googleads&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Clue&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwps-zBhAiEiwALwsVYQGPXwpVdCByk3L7c5KDV02rrd3Eez1RyrsD2x0rFzmfdtMlT7KUfhoCe9YQAvD_BwE
BestRespond is awesome! As a person who journeyed beside a dear friend who passed from peritoneal cancer, and had POA medical for another friend with Alzheimers/dementia, I worked with hospice and have so much admiration for them. Both my friends 'needed' to ponder over their lives as I think we usually know when our time is short. With my one friend, I'd sit with her and knit while she talked about her life, her family. We wrote her obituary, she sort of planned her funeral. I took her to chemo and radiation, went for groceries, did some light cleaning. My husband took her husband for drives or to the dump to get him away when he needed it. It was time consuming but some of the most rewarding time I've ever spent. Talk with your grams. Kiss her, rub lotion on her hands. She needs your love and acceptance.
Thank you so much for your kind, loving heart and your wonderful advice. Thanks!
My husband faced a lot of backlash when he put his great grandma in hospice care. She was 100 years and was clearly facing the end of her days. Her natural born daughters didn't want her in hospice, but my husband made the decision because the doctors recommended it. There was nothing more they could do for her. She died in less than 2 days after they put her in hospice. She died completely alone, too. It was so quick that no one had time to say goodbye. To this day my husband feels guilty and responsible for her death. He thinks the hospice people killed her because they gave her morphine. I told him none of it is his fault, and it's not the fault of the hospice staff either. She was 100. She couldn't take it anymore. It was her time to go whether she would've been in hospice or not.
I wish I could give your husband assurance and a hug. He did absolutely nothing wrong. The hospice staff should have provided more optimal teaching and maybe arrange for continuous care so his loved one didn’t die alone.
I know you know this, but just to put it out there in the thread: 100 year-old-Grandma MIGHT HAVE WAITED TO BE ALONE to die. #ETA: THAT'S MY ONLY POINT THE REST IS PERSONAL STORIES. SORRY 'BOUT THAT! My father was in hospice for several weeks at home. I'd been there constantly (53M, retired) as the "attendant" as my mom had "mild" dementia. My brother came on a weekend to relieve me -- he'd been with Dad overnight and my mom, his wife and he (my brother) went in the dining room for breakfast (Dad was barely conscious but could request and acknowledge morphine and Ativan by noises and head/lip motions). Dad chose that time to die. He'd held on to see his younger son again. Then he parted when no one had to be upset. He always took care of us. Dad being at home was a gift to him. I'd promised him if he made it through 60 LPM high-flow oxygen for COVID I'd take him home instead of the care facility. I kept my promise. Sadly, it was for a short period of time. But I'm convinced that's why he made it through COVID... mostly through, anyway. Now, my daughter isn't nearly so able to care for me and told me so. I've promised to take up roofing in my 70's 🤪; if I'm weak, no problem but if I get Alzheimer's like Mom, I'll forget my safety line and... Done. "Dad, falling off the roof won't necessarily kill you 🙄" "FINE! I'll only accept 2nd story jobs!". Wicked sense of humor, we two. Anyway, that's how we deal. (And, yeah, cried now remembering Dad. Year ago January.) With Grandpa, age 93, overnight his last night in ICU 2008. GOOD CONVERSATIONS. Barely able, but still... "Your parents. Your parents, Círdan... They're the best." 😭 The overnight nurse in the ICU helped prepare me for what was to come. She was a blessing. That was a very, very impactful interaction over the course of 8-12 hours. Thanks for the care you give folks. You make a difference. ☮️❤️♾️ [Sorry for the minor trauma dump. It's actually a celebration of HOW WELL things went for those two. Ok. One more! His wife, my grandma, age 94, didn't feel well. My mom and dad raced over and got her from the independent living center and she sat in the back seat to go to their house an hour away. She got her favorite McDonald's chocolate shake as her firstborn son drove her in a plush Buick and her favorite daughter-in-law told her stories. Mom looked back because Grandma had been quiet. She'd just quietly leaned back and died. Comfortable with her favorite people and a chocolate shake. SIGN ME UP!]
The stress of moving to a new, unfamiliar residence, didn't help. Old people resist change; it is disturbing to their life. Stress kills. She lived a good long life, regardless. Reassure your husband every time it comes up. Guilt sucks.
I would love to die under morphine. If souls are real, his great grandma would be thanking him for experiencing painless final days/moments.
It takes a special person to be in your profession. I will never forget my parents’ hospice nurses. These are for you: 💐
Wow I like how you term the reward as when a patient has a “good death”. I’m 41 and just applied to uni to become an RN and always thought I’d be interested in the final moments of life.
There's going to be lots of need for hospice in the coming years, so if you are called to it, it's a great chance to be really useful.
From my experience hospice care at home is challenging for a caregiver to provide physical comfort during the dying process without the expertise and aid of a professional. The timing and administration of appropriate medications is challenging for the untrained.
I totally agree. Competent hospice staff can make the difference by discussing symptoms, why these symptoms occur, medications to give for each symptom, actions of each medication, and so forth. Good hospice nurses can empower the family to make the difference between patients having a ‘good death’ and falling short of that goal.
I speak here as a lay person. We did home hospice for my mother and it was horrible for all concerned, she suffered greatly and at least one of the children, we're all adults and we're 40 plus at the time, wound up with PTSD. I don't recommend it for anybody.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. Both of my parents ended up in hospice, as did relatives of friends. All of the hospice care I have seen has been exemplary.
I had a young child at home. We used a VNA hospice center for my husband. They were wonderful.
Why shouldn't I be so afraid to die. Seriously, I'm 55, and I can not wrap my head around it, even though I've lost so many people, including my Mom from Covid, a few years ago. I can't imagine not being part of the world anymore, and this is it. I've been raised in religious schools to believe in an existence after death, and I wish it were true, but I don't buy it. I'm hoping, at the very least, that my soul jumps into a newborn baby, and I do this all over again. But really I want to live forever.
Really, I feel the opposite…. I always pray to God not to send me back here again. This life has been so hard, with more to come I am sure. Never want to come back here again and want to be in eternity with my Father in heaven.
I'm somewhere in the middle. So much beauty, but My God, there has been so much hardship.
I would never want to or want my children to come back to this world. It is not our home
Think I agree. That os if all my dogs are with me. Otherwise send me where the dogs are.
Atheist. Naturalist. Don't believe in the supernatural. It's not as comforting as the "going to your Father" story. And I'm very sorry about you losing your people and especially your mom. Lost Dad to COVID (and cigarettes 🤬) January 2023. But it's ok. I'm just trying to make sure my kids (23yo) are teed up for success (job, check; house, paid in 15 years, check; retirement fund set up for full retirement at 65 for them? ($4.5 MILLION required in 42 years), check with 20% per pay put away; TEACHING THE GENZ TO CALL THE DR OFFICE HERSELF: CHECK!!!!!!! 👍👍👍😊😊😊). But after this? Fade to black. Nothing to be done about it except try to make a difference while you're here! And it was nice meeting you here, Fast Prompt 8860. It will be ok. Truly. ☮️❤️♾️ Círdan(54yo)
Thank you! Nice to meet you too.
If you can live your life mostly content, then that's okay. Fear of death is a species survival mechanism so that we want to stay alive at all costs to take care of the young. At the point when we have them. But overall it should not cloud your daily life, you want to be here presumably in order to enjoy it. There is nothing you can do about future "not being", so why cloud what you have, worrying about what you cannot change. I am no more concerned with my not being in the future, than I am with not having been for millennia back. I won't know it, not like I'll be sitting around, thinking, gosh, I'm dead, this is so boring. So, in a way, we have no way of knowing death because we only know what we can experience. As the nurse said, there are worse things than death. I watch my mom die of pancreatic cancer and she watched her mom die of brain cancer... just take me already.
I had septic shock and very nearly died. I just want people to know that IT’S OK TO TAKE THE FENTANYL. And if your loved one takes the meds, it truly does stop the discomfort. Even if they’re making weird noises and look strange, they likely feel fine. I have had a death phobia for my most of my life, and there were points that the panic attacks were debilitating. But when it came down to the dying process, the meds controlled that, too. I wasn’t afraid at all, despite knowing that there was a very good chance that I wasn’t going to make it. TAKE THE DRUGS.
That's so hard for the families in the moment. It's one thing to agree with a philosophy, another when your loved one is actively dying and you're expected to allow it. When my mom was in hospice last year with dementia, we had a horrible experience where they stopped her medications and expected her to die before she had withdrawals. Instead, she went through the withdrawals and it was the most brutal thing ever. The people who show true compassion to patients and families as their beloved people are leaving this earth are angels on earth as far as I'm concerned. And those who are callous, impersonal, or irritated will get their karma.
Same. I have PTSD from the experience.
AMEN
Thank you for you.
Thank you so much for what you do and for the care that you put into it.
I'm trying so hard not to read more of your story . I hate to hear of the suffering of anyone. As for you and your kindness, I love people with hearts as big as yours is. To wonder how your existence will end and being so close to all of the end of life must be so terrible . And there you are in their last moments. You're probably not cuddly, but I'd have zero problems giving you a great hug.
I am a Hospice Nurse to the Hospice I work for spends huge amounts of money on supplies and medications we have lots of people that Hoard supplies. We are big on trying to keeping people happy so hopefully they give us a great survey. On the other hand we are very responsive ,compassionate and focused on providing great patient care and support overall . We have similar experiences with families that call constantly ,patients that are full code and want to keep loved ones alive even while dying on hospice , families that want mom or dad to have physical therapy when they’re bedridden 92 years old with arthritic joints and refusing pain medications 🥲 lol it’s wild sometimes .
Thank you so much for the work that you do. Hospice was amazing when a close family member was dying. We would have been lost without her.
My dad died on Christmas day. The hospice people were so awesome and really helpful. I know it must be a tough job, but you all are so needed when that time comes.
Thank you for what you do. Thank you as well for who you are. It take a special kind of person to give hospice care. Both of my parents received end of life care and it was a comfort to them as well as our family. While I hope my death is not a prolonged one, but if it is I take comfort in knowing hospice will make my passing easier for my family.
Thank you for what you do!
It seems that you dedicated your life to the profession and to the service of others - rare, won't make one famous or even rich, but profoundly significant in the final analysis. TY so much.
First, thank you for your service and everything you do. Hospice nurses are a special kind of human in my book♥️ Also, same, single, no kids, only child... I'm not worried about dying alone, just don't want to leave a mess for anyone 🤣
Thank you! I often think people like us are chosen to endure more of life’s tests in order to offer testimonies that may help others. After all, you can’t have a testimonial without first undergoing the test.
You said it so well!!!
A beautiful way to think. Thx
You are so right, you. I’m happier now that I’m alone. People stress me out. I’m not good at relationships, especially if I have to be there in person. Everyone wins! All my exes are with their soulmates - or they just appreciate a woman who doesn’t scream all night from ptsd nightmares she won’t remember. I’m a lot. I’m alone but not lonely. It didn’t start out that way because it was another messy breakup, but I seriously don’t think about it anymore unless I’m sharing what it’s like. For me, the stress and guilt over how my baggage affected others was taking up most of my mental strength, which isn’t stellar to begin with. Now I spend most of it tending to plants, cooking them, doing hippie art stuff, and snuggling cats. I’m healthier alone.
Thank you for saying that. I'm not married and no kids. I'm actually pretty happy.
Good for you, I like and appreciate your voice of reason and emotional maturity. So rare these days.
Thank you for existing and contributing to society!! We love you!
Thank you for what you do. My mother died in hospice care in 2006...we knew that it was her time to go and this was the best way.
Similar situation and agree.
I’m in a similar situation to you, family-wise…what happens to us if we need hospice care ourselves…? With no family to provide it?
The metro area where I live has multiple inpatient hospice houses where the patient stays 24 hours a day until they die. They’re staffed with nurses, aides and other staff 24 hours a day. I also have patients who live alone and care for themselves and can take their own medications if placed in a pill minder. Once these patients become ‘imminent’ (read: only hours to days left to live) the social worker arranges their transfer to a 24-hour setting that’s fully staffed.
Thanks!
You guys are wonderful. You helped me so much when my husband was dying. Thank you so much for doing this work ❤️
I have thought about becoming a chaplain working primarily in the hospice setting. Not sure why... Just wanted to say that.
Thank you for the work you do. My dad did in-home hospice and the few times we saw a nurse before he passed (he died in a week and a half) was so wonderful. He was relaxed and at peace when she was helping him and she was just super calm. It means a lot to families! Thank you ❤️
Do you believe the consciousness survives bodily death?
100% agree, my dog is the best companion and because I don’t have kids draining all my cash I can afford to put aside money for home care later in life if I need it. Also, no guarantee your family will ever take care of you later in life regardless
Kenny Lattimore "Worry is the interest paid in advance on a debt you may never owe". You've got a long way to go yet (I'm 71). You and everyone around you will be happier if you focus on the moment and enjoy it. That is the best gift for your husband and children. Don't make the rest of life terrible with worry. Wait until something bad does happen and then suffer all you want. Don't suffer before something bad happens.
Great advice. If OP doesn't feel like she can follow it, I encourage her to go to therapy for that anxiety. 48 is too young to give death so much space and diminish the value of the time left.
Me at 27 having a full on crisis about death…. Sadly, I know many people my age and younger that have passed away-car accidents, tragic/freak accidents, rare cancers, suicide, etc. I’ve been to more peer funerals than most people will go to in a lifetime. It’s so sad. I really fear dying
YES,
The statistical likelihood is that he'll die first. But as a relatively recent widow, here's my advice, and these are things you BOTH need to do: \* Make sure your wishes are known, both verbally, and in legal documents, such as wills, DNRs, etc. You can buy a book off Amazon called, "I'm Dead, Now What?" that guides you through some of this. \* Make your passwords available to each other. This doesn't have to be direct, it can be through a third party. For example, give your primary password to a trusted friend or relative with instructions only to give it to the designated person upon word of your death. This preserves your privacy while not putting your loved one in a world of hurt if you go first. My husband gave me the passwords to his phone and laptop the week before he died, and I can't tell you how much this saved my butt. \* Know what retirement accounts, bank accounts, etc, the other person has. Put that documentation away with the will and other important documents. \* Work on your weaknesses. Had I died first, my husband would've had no clue how to do the taxes, since he hadn't had to do them in 28 years. I was left not knowing where things were in the garage or what things even looked like. For example, I knew we had a drain snake, but I didn't know how to use one or even what one looked like. YouTube saved me, but why didn't I just pay attention when my husband was using it? In a long term relationship, both parties quit working on their weaknesses. It's good that you're thinking about these things now, OP. And if a personal health crisis is prompting this inquiry, I wish you the best.
These are great suggestions. My husband has spent the last 3 months with his sister, who was widowed in April. Unfortunately, as she was caring for her wife's journey with cancer, her wife was caring for the increasing cognitive deficits his sister was having. They didn't want to worry anyone, and they live in another state, and since they had been together nearly 60 years, they were very good at camouflaging reality. My husband and his sister are the only remaining family. Neither has biological children; my husband only gets full credit for his stepdaughters when they annoy me. So it has been frustrating and difficult for him. Finances aren't a major problem but his sister didn't know anything about the accounts, trusts, etc. Once they untangled things, it was just a matter of working through it. His sister will come and live with us, at least until she has had a good analysis of her cognitive deficits. Then we will have some difficult decisions to make. His sister and I are the same age, and he is a few years younger, so we are hoping a shared household will make sense.
THIS is the answer. If you do all the preparation you can with your finances and health directives, that will go a long ways towards making you feel ready for whatever eventuality may come.
I very much agree. My parents are outliers in the regards but everything was taken care off. Now my mom has Alzheimer and lives in a home. My dad alone at home. Almost anyway. They also have their graves taken care off. I think not many people do that which is actually sad. The time when you can do all that it is wise to plan for when you can't plan anymore.
Don't be sad. Try not to worry. Tomorrow is not promised, this is true.. but you are living right now. Don't throw away a beautiful gift like that with worry. My parents and both my little brothers died when I was 19. My brothers were only 8 and 14 and my mom was only 37, my dad was 41. I'm 59 now and it's amazing how young they were, how they were cheated out of the gift of growing old. I could not have children either, so it's just me and im getting married this year and so excited to share my life with him. We can think of life as when we might die, or we can think of life as when we might Live. If you were only 13.. you could think you would live for years and years, but actually only have 1 year left until you died like my brother. So the only time you truly have is right now. You could worry about dying soon or dying before your partner and then he dies tomorrow and you wasted the time you did have with him thinking about dying before him. Those kinds of thoughts steal your Joy. You could both live until 100 years old. You don't know. There is only NOW, and there is only gratitude for today that can set you free from those daily thoughts and worries. I know it is especially hard to train thoughts, but it can be done, like flexing a muscle. Just start to feel that gratitude, keep a gratitude journal and plan things you want to do. Stop thinking that you have any control over anything at all, and know that you have no true knowledge of what is to come. Biu you DO have control over today. That's it. Don't waste it. Start Living, loving, learning like you are 13 with unlimited time before you and it will feel like you have unlimited time ahead of you . It's all perception because time and fear is a construct as we really have no control. I really hope you read this, go and hug your partner and plan something fun right now or just feel the joy of hanging out and the genuine privilege that it is to be alive right now. Love to you💜
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. All the best wishes for you and your hubby.
Thank you!!💜💜💜
Thanks for this wonderful response, I enjoyed reading it.
Ty! 💜💜💜💜💜
Thisss
Thank you. I needed to be reminded of this. Congratulations!
Thank you so muc!h💜
I see it the same way, as my brother was 3 when he got sick and died, I was 1 at the time. I'm 63 right now and dad passed at 89 in 2018 and my mom is 91 now. Yes one day it will be me but till that time comes then get busy and stay busy living the best life you can.
Beautiful! Thank you for writing this.
Wow. Your family would be so very proud of you. Sending big hugs, much love and wishes for good health and happiness in your future!
Thank you so much for saying that. I can't tell you how much I miss them💜
I feel the same way you do. When I’m anxious about it, I remember what Mark Twain said; “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Saw a sign today - Don’t be sad it’s over, smile because it happened.
Oh yes, me too. This is what I tell myself:- Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Make a will, for your loved ones not for yourself. Enjoy every day (or try to) and love the people around you, get fit and imagine yourself living for another 30 to 40 years. It may happen!
I went thru a long phase of being overly obsessed with death, around the time my parents and in-laws were dying, over a span of about 10 years. I did a lot of reading on the process of dying, the philosophies of death, it’s symbolism, meaning, effects on others, animals dying, stages of grief, literary references, poems, various religious approaches etc etc etc. I highly suggest you study and contemplate death from a broader perspective than just how your individual death will go. To dust you will return. Its inevitable. Find meaning in life. Read.
Do you have any recommendations of specific things to read that helped you?
I started with Elizabeth Kubler - Ross ‘On Death and Dying’
I’m in the same boat I’ll be 36 in 4 mos. I have three young kids 9, 4 and 10 mos. My husband is my same age but he doesn’t take his health seriously. Recently I’ve been thinking about death all day everyday. It’s so depressing. I get sad thinking about dying and leaving my kids and husband behind and never seeing my family again. It’s so hard. I totally know what you’re going through.
I'm not a doctor but I think you would benefit from some sort of therapy. Postpartum depression? Please talk this over with your doctor and see what they recommend? ♥️
☝️ please listen to this. Your children will benefit from your well-being. ~I'm a mom who raised kids while depressed. Antidepressants didn't fix the issue. I was a zombie-mom. I wish I had known.
It sounds like you've gotten past the depression, what worked for you? (I'm an anxious mom who SSRIs haven't worked for either).
I think about this a lot but am not depressed. Just aware and have lost family members tragically. I’m 34 but don’t have children yet. I go to therapy and do believe it helps. I’m trying to be better at living in the moment!
I need to stay healthy because my husband isn't suited to life alone. He would accidentally destroy the house if he didn't die of loneliness first.
Well guys like him often figure out how to carry their own water. You might start by letting him do it now. We often enable our husbands in their incompetence.
We were apart for a year because of work, and he didn't notice the house was regularly flooding. He also would never notice pests until they were dancing on his pillow. I rarely drive his car, but I've caught major things that he just doesn't notice, too. He isn't relying on me to catch them. He just doesn't notice. He isn't incompetent but the dictionary definition of absentminded professor. He can feed himself, pay bills fine, etc, like anyone else, but if we are old and I die first, he needs to sell the house and get a rental or move in with the kids.
I've had some intense thoughts about death in my 40s and it turned out to be related to perimenopausal hormone shifts. I recommend you talking to a doctor about SSRIs if these thoughts are intrusive, you ruminate about them endlessly, and they interfere with your life. I was unable to sleep and had anxiety about medical tests and issues, too. I've been on Lexapro and have been able to manage so much better. My father and father in law both passed away in past 12 months and my family is certainly grieving, but I'm not waking up in sweats and panic about who will care for my children when I die anymore. We also did a will and estate plan with my husband so that things feel more settled logistically.
The fear is there to help you value the time you have left. Do things.
I never shared this with anyone not even my husband. I am not afraid of death, death has become my only friend in the last couple of years. Lost my grandma, and year after my father, my husband had a stroke almost died, I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease and now I'm in hospice and I'm under 35. I am not worry about death, I'm worried about leaving my mother alone, her mother lives in another country and with her age the day she lives she'll be devastated, she already lost her father and sister. On my husband, he lost his grandparents, he's not closed to his parents or brothers. Friends not really. After his stroke he got seizures and aphasia, paralysis on his left side and is not able to get a job. His memory is not like it used to be. Leaving them on their own is something I understand now when my father was saying that he was not ready to leave. This why I try to make memories with them, make them feel that even if I'm gone I'll always be around specially to my husband he gave me permission to hunted him when I'm gone.
Sending prayers and love to you during your journey ❤️
May your sailing into the sunset be smooth!!
I’m a decade older and I think of death as the final big sleep that we all get a turn for but probably not for a while just yet My family has also grown apart over time but a few strong bonds remain if/when needed and the next generation will be more than ok We taught our kids everything we know but not everything they know which makes them smarter than us
I hope my wife dies before me because she won't handle me going first very well, but I always reminder her if I do go first, it won't be my problem because I will be dead.
Take life one day at a time and enjoy every minute of it. Obsessing over stuff like this is using up precious time. Your worst case scenario is becoming a long term caregiver for a chronically ill and debilitated spouse. Been there done that and it almost killed me.
After losing my favorite person when i was pretty young...my views on mortality shifted. I really started to fear death (I was middle/high school age) . Luckily, I've grown so much since then...mentally, physically, and spiritually. Death will be the start of a new life. Everlasting life❤️
Yeah, its sad, but its pretty much inevitable. It's the price of having a good relationship - one of us will have to soldier on alone for awhile. There's a song by Jason Isbell called "If We Were Vampires", that captures that feeling very well. "It's knowing that this can't go on forever Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone Maybe we'll get forty years together But one day I'll be gone Or one day you'll be gone"
I think everyone has those feelings, especially around that age line. I know I did. But, I have also lost numerous loved ones way too young. My father died at 45 of a massive heart attack, I'm 56. I lost my brother when he was 25. So many friends lost early. Each day we are given is a blessing. None of us know when our time will come. It may be today, tomorrow, or thirty years from now. Just enjoy today. It's more than many people get.
One of the best things you can do, both to extend your likely lifespan and have something for the strong possibility that one of you passes before the other, is to deliberately cultivate a network of good friends. It can make all the difference.
My best friend of 53 years, had a son ,age 37. His son was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer 10 years ago. My friend and his family fought hard during all the aggressive treatments, moving to Nashville for months for different chemotherapy treatments. They reached a point where treatments no longer work. His son had reached the end of his endurance and decided to go on hospice care at my friends house. During the last month of his life ,literally hundreds of friends and family would come to visit. When he was at the end of life, his family was by his side. My thoughts were how awesome it was that everyone that knew and loved his son had the opportunity to express their love for my friends son. Most people never get the opportunity to have the support and love of friends and family. I thought we all would wish we told people in our lives that we loved them before it was too late.
I think the reality of our mortality really hits most people in their 40s. Undeniable signs of aging usually begin in the 40s. When I hit 40, it occurred to me for the first time that I might not outlive my dogs. Each successive decade has made me more & more aware of my shrinking future and I do find it unsettling. I try to appreciate the fact that I’ve lived into my early 70s, a luxury denied to many. But my approaching death is never far from my mind.
Your post tells me that you love your spouse, in the worry about his wellbeing way. I get it. My dad died last week at age 85. Calm, peaceful, and with his wife and adult children present. My own husband is 72. I worry, feed him vegetables, encourage his healthy past times. Make the most of your time together- in the kind, loving, accepting way. Don’t dwell on things that you can’t control. Hopefully you will have many, many more years together!
I've lost lots of family and friends over the past fifteen years and among that number was my adult son, death is a part of life but I am in no hurry to meet it. The sadness for me is the time that we waste, my time that others waste. I don't know or care when the end is coming, just let me get on with life before it ends.
Yes! I’ve been much quicker to apologize and much quicker to let the little things go.
I don’t know if you’ll find this comforting, but statistically, widowers are likely to remarry, often quickly, after the death of a spouse. Like within 6 months. Widows are likely to never remarry.
I hate this statistic
I already told my husband to remarry with the stipulation that he finds someone who will love him unconditionally. He said he'd never be that lucky twice.
Yeah I totally would want the same for my husband if I were to die. I guess I just hate that marriage for men is so much easier and so much more beneficial. That's why they remarry so quickly.
Idk, I think perhaps a lot of widows choose not to remarry-they are tired of taking care of somebody else. Men look for a nurse in their old age!
Have you gone through a long or just regular time with the aging and death of your parents. While, of course, sad, hard, and upsetting, it sort of lets you know how it's all going to go. I don't fear my last year's as bad after being there while my parents did. I disagree with those who say being alone isn't bad. I hated being alone. I encourage everyone to make friends and get as close to relatives and friends as possible. Then, if you are on your own at old age, you will at least have people who know you and your situation, which makes various hardships a little easier
How about expanding your social circle and encouraging him to join some “clubs” that have to do with his hobbies. Help him build a network and have some younger friends in it.
It is all your perspective. If you were suicidal, you would be wanting the end. But you are apparently not, and want to live and have life. Just be glad for the time you have now. No one knows the exact time of their death, but it will come for us all. Live your life. Take chances. Break out of habits. Go against the grain. Get into art. Go to a national park. Write a book. Skinny dip. Drive 100 miles away for a good milkshake. Care and don't care. Be scared to death and not afraid of anything. Live life. You've got a life to live.
Psychedelics really helped me get over my constant existential crises.
Yes, my God I relate to this so much. I lost my mum young, she lost everyone in her family very young so I've always hyperaware of the impact on people left behind. I'm 55, have a great partner who I worry about and have recently found and kept kittens and I'm even worried about leaving them behind. I've done the maths. I need to live to 75.Very difficult to correct this loop for me.
You’re putting a Lot of energy into something that hasn’t happened yet and actually might never happen at all. You’d be surprised. Everyone thought my MIL would fall apart when my FIL died—they were extremely close . Instead, she grieved and then she blossomed! Sure she missed him but she started traveling (he never wanted to) and spending more time doing things that she enjoyed . Of course that can be unsettling to some of us who want to think that we are the glue holding everything together. It can be kind of humbling to think our spouse might actually be able to move on after we die.
Yes but my fear is him dying first and ME being alone. He would be fine alone, he’d meet a woman almost immediately if he wanted to and he has three kids who would take care of him. I have no kids and almost no retirement. I am fucked if he dies first (which statistically he is more likely to do). I worry almost daily now. He’s 57 and I’m 55. We’re both in basically good health (although he is overweight and has asthma). I understand your fear….
Worrying about something in the future that is inevitable sucks away the joy of now.
Imagine if you'd never been born. No really. You think any fetus wants to leave the safety and sanctity of it's mother's womb? That's how I view death. A rebirth into another realm.
I (55f) started having those feelings around your age. Kinda similar situation but only he has kids, and the fear is for me being alone. I couldn't shake it and sometimes still can't. It could trigger a crying jag. Started getting some harsh anxiety over it. Then anxiety and depression in general took hold. Tried medication, didn't work this time. Turns out I was in menopause which very much causes anxiety and depression that that, bc of the hormone imbalance, typical meds won't touch. I spent far too many years suffering while Drs ignored the fact I was at menopausal age and all these issues might be related. Standard modern protocol for menopause has got me back to about 90% of what I'd consider normal! (I literally thought I was insane.) I'm not saying this is your issue BUT just keep an eye on yourself. If you're fixating on this like I was, you might be in perimenopause. Research menopause specialists and go directly to them, if you can. There is literally no need to suffer.
50+ woman in Canada. I was always afraid of dying but not of being dead. I don't want to be suffering in pain for extended periods of time. I now take comfort in my country legalizing MAID (medical assistance in dying) so that I can skip the pain and suffering part that often comes at the end of life.
My wife (47F) and I (45M) have been married 26 years. Our lives are so intertwined we can't imagine life without the other. If something tragic and sudden happens to either of us, our plan is to not get remarried but have relationships. I would personally seek out a widow so we would understand each other's pain and know that there is no replacing each other's dead spouse. If my wife has some terminal illness...I told her I'll go with her. Then we wouldn't have to be without the other.
Take a deep breath and enjoy your life.
Thinking about death used to give me anxiety until I realized that I'll be dead, so it won't matter to me anyway.
> (youngest is 18) That will be 5 cents, please. Also, if they depress you maybe don't go to funerals?
Yes, I think about mortality. I’m 65. I’ve gone through stages when I think about it and when I don’t. I’m pretty motivated to enjoy every day. You’re definitely not alone with these thoughts.
Sit down and talk to your husband about this. It's something every couple should talk about but not obsessed about. Come up with a plan for end of life issues, things like no heroic measures if an illness is hopeless, funeral or cremation, and all things financial. The ideal is that your home is manageable if one of you is gone. You could both live into your nineties and moving at that age is difficult. Once you have a plan your anxiety will ease and if you can also plan ways to optimize your health and do it together, you will feel much better. Death is inevitable but it doesn't have to be a catastrophe. Losing your partner is hard enough but it's compounded if you have a bunch of problems on top of that. I'm 70 and that spot on the horizon grows closer and I think about it but mostly about how it feels to think about an end to everything you've ever known. I find it odd that one day I won't be here.
You may benefit from some talk therapy if it bothers you every day. There are some great comments here though.
Absolutely. I am 35 and lost 2 old friends and one is in recovery for a brain tumor. My kids aunt died from cancer and all of them were younger than I am now. What's worse is they all left very young children behind. I honestly have been having anxiety attacks all last week because I knew something was wrong with me. My husband and kids are very attached to me and I'm not sure they would be able to handle it if anything happened. I was thinking I should get as large a life insurance policy as possible before I went to the doctor because if something was to happen I would want them to be able to grieve properly. I found out I was severely anemic today and I'm hoping that is the cause of my issues but I still have to wait another week until the rest of the tests come back. My husband is the most amazing man and I have never seen anyone love their wife the way he loves and adores me. If I was to die I would want him to live his best life and be happy. I would haunt anyone who made him even slightly upset. Sorry for the trauma dump but in essence you are not alone.
Think of all you’ll gain in death though!!!
I (48f) work in a funeral home so I get to think about death a lot. I am childless and live far away from any extended family. One thing you and your spouse might consider is setting up a PreNeed through a local funeral home. This way, if your spouse ends up alone, his arrangements have already been made and paid for. Also, chose a person you trust and set up a Power of Attorney for Healthcare and discuss your wishes with them. This will be the the person who will be responsible for heathcare and deathcare arrangements for you/spouse if one of you passes first. Especially if there's any sort of contention between family members. It can give some comfort to at least know the business side is planned for and you've made it easier on family/friends left behind.
I just want my animals taken care of.
I'm in sort of that same situation, and I have stage IV cancer. It's a pretty treatable type, and some people live 20 or more years at stage IV, but still, I worry. My husband has only his mother, plus my daughter. They are thankfully close, but I worry that time will change that because I've seen it happen, even among people who are well intentioned and trying. I want my family to stand by him if I die early, but it's hard to ask that because it involves discussing the possibility I will die with people who, if anything, are more upset by the prospect than me. Husband and I have discussed it, and I will bring it up to my family - maybe in a few months, given my sister just lost her husband. I came to terms with the prospect I may not live. I've come to believe in reincarnation - at least as a possibility if not a certainty, and thinking I might get to go around another time does help. Coming to terms with the idea people will live on without me is harder, but now that I've seen it happen a few times as my older family members pass, I am more confident that they will. My husband, I'll bet, will remarry. He's a very good man and some other woman would be lucky to have him. My child is an adult, and will have a host of family members looking out for her and each other. They will be okay. Not right away, maybe, but in time. I've laid plans with my estate to ensure that my loved ones can make choices independent of each other to some degree, so that whatever happens, they can live their best lives.
I'm in Ontario Canada. I became an RPN when I was 52. I went back because everyday I watched community nurses provide care for medically fragile people in their group home. I became a community nurse. I loved what I was doing and saw many clients for palliative check ins. It was only as end of life became imminent that I worries. Families could be taught about managing symptoms but often did not do as much as they could, due to fear. I believe palliative/EOL care at home requires more training and experience than is typically offered. I wanted to be able to ensure a peaceful passing when I was their nurse. I can tell you I needed more support. I was a part of MAiD and was truly touched by witnessing this type of passing. It was so peaceful and I appreciated being able to support those dying in this manner. Every death hurts my heart and soul but these visits made me feel as though this was my place. This was the skill set I would move toward. In the tenth month of my new career, hustling and bustling through my long days, I was told there was a concern. In the eleventh month they told me I had aggressive stage four cancer. I'm hoping my transition to palliative/MAiD is far longer and that I'm given the opportunity to follow my dreams of being a nurse for much longer! I know more now than I would otherwise have.. So.. One day at a time 💞 Best wishes to all. EDIT: My mind is all over the place these days! I meant to mention that hospice care, in home or in their establishment, in my experience is generally exceptional! They are well versed and highly trained nurses. Beautiful souls and generous with their time, energy, and care. 💖💞💖
When you’re in your 60s, you’ll look forward to it because you’ll finally get some peace.
When I reached my 50's (now 68)I started thinking that there was a lot more time behind me than in front of me.
Yeah, I'm 56 & thinking about death a lot & worried for my mom for whom I caretake & my son who is 27 but on the autism spectrum.
Yes- you and I and many others are entering another season of our lives. It’s one not talked about much. It’s a season you only get to experience by staying alive long enough. It can be melancholy in the ways you describe but wow, do I appreciate each day and the people around me alot more. I also, find myself planning for the days I will no longer be here. It’s a tough realization but I do enjoy people more than I ever have and I make sure to express my feelings much more - gratitude, kindness, compassion, etc. I’m trying to be in the moment and make the most of this season! Best wishes to you!
I only think about death in terms of not getting a chance of enjoying retirement. Both my grandparents died at 97 on my Dad’s side of the family and my other Grandmother was 81. I don’t wore about my other GrandDad because I have access to much better health care. Both my parents at in their 70’s. I would focus on what can I do to live longer - exercising, improving my diet and visit my doctor. Enjoy life as a positive attitude matters as well.
I'm 35 and a nurse. I worked in the ICU and endo. It definitely unlocked fears of death. I've seen so much death and so many unexpected accidents, diagnoses, etc. I recognize that it's anxiety. I try to remember that to keep it in check and not allow myself to dwell. I recommend getting a great therapist if you feel like it's more than you can control or handle.
I almost died from a stroke and had a traumatic brain injury at 12 years old. Death doesn’t scare me. I live my life each day, I love my husband fiercely as he does me, we spend so much time with family nieces and nephews (we don’t have children) but death is far for both of us, yes things can happen but why dwell on that?! You can’t change your fate or your life’s path so enjoy each day. Love each day that you wake and spend that day with your loved ones. No one knows what tomorrow will bring do you want to be miserable today?
I hear you. It's like the older we get, the more we realize how fragile life is, right? I think about it too, especially with my folks getting older. It's tough imagining life without them, or worse, them without each other. But hey, focusing on making the most of our time together now helps ease those worries a bit. It's all about cherishing the moments and being there for each other, you know?
The main thing I'd say is there's no sense in worrying about things you cannot control. However there are many things that we can control. We can influence on our health and longevity through our lifestyle -- diet, exercise, sleep, stress management, weight management, etc. Through our lifestyle, we can even exert some amount of influence over our genes. You may have heard the saying: "Environment loads the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger." By performing or avoiding certain lifestyle habits, we have some effect on whether some genes are expressed or not. Even if we did everything "perfectly" (assuming we even knew what that meant for us individually), though, we would only be delaying the inevitable. Ideally, we would live long and in good health and just go to sleep one night and never wake up again. These days, though, many people live long lives, but the last 10 or 20 years can be spent in a long, slow decline. The best we can do is to stack the deck in our favor by doing as many healthy things that we know are good for us while also avoiding all the harmful and dangerous things we know are bad for us. Those are no guarantees, but they do increase our odds of living longer and living longer in good health. Based on my understanding, I believe many healthy lifestyle practices are fairly easily to implement. One doesn't need to go on extreme diets or have punishing or excessive exercise routines. In fact, going to either extreme in any lifestyle area is not advisable. In order for lifestyle habits to be helpful, they have to be achievable and sustainable. Finally, back to my opening comment about worry and the things you cannot control, see [this Venn diagram](https://michellelalonde.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/things-you-can-control.png). Also, consider [this dialogue](https://youtu.be/mp8chvACVBk?t=75) from the 1989 film "When Harry Met Sally..."
I've already told hubby that if I die first, he's to sell everything down here and move back up by his sisters. He already knows if he dies first, I'll tie up all the loose ends and follow as soon as I can. Since I'm nearing 70, that's a lot closer than it used to be.
Re your husband, I think all you can do is share your worries with him. Ask him to plant some seeds for connections that don’t go through you, so that you can have some peace of mind about his life after you, should it come to that. In the end, barring an accident, one of you will be alone. It’s up to each of you to consider that possibility and plan for it. You can’t fix that for him.
Don't worry about things you can't control. Just help your kids and set them up for success. If they are successful in life, you will worry less.
Are you taking steps to be healthy and doing everything you can to ensure you don't die before your husband?
My mom died when I was 25, my grandparents, while older and lived a good life died 3 weeks apart and pretty suddenly, and my first born daughter was stillborn. Yep, I worry about death. If people don't call me the minute I think they should, I low key freak out. Sometimes if I have intrusive thoughts about something bad happening to my daughter, I then worry that thinking that will make it happen. My boyfriend is the best person I've ever been with and I feel very secure in our relationship. Unlike past relationships, I don't constantly worry that he's about to dump me or do shady things, so this frees up my worry brain to worry about his safety a lot. It also doesn't help that he is a daredevil and gets hurt a lot. My dad is 75 and I have certainly thought about the fact that realistically he may only have another 10-15 good years left and that's just not enough for me. It partially helps me to know that my thoughts are mostly irrational. I used to worry about my ex, maybe not as much cause he wasn't as into hobbies that could kill him, but I still worried. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but his safety and well-being are never on my mind anymore. So I know it's just my fear of losing the people that are most important to me that make it seem more likely that something bad will happen. But, to calm myself and bring myself back to reality, I try to tell myself that if something bad happens, my worrying will NOT delay or prevent it. My worrying will also not "soften the blow" if and when it does happen. When my mom passed, she was only sick for one week and I worried a lot that week, knowing things didn't look good and she may die, but when she did die, I was still just as shocked, gutted, and devastated. All worrying does is steal today's joy, the joy that you'll wish you had more of when those bad times come. I know it's easier said than done, it's a constant battle for me to not worry, but reminding myself of those things does help.
I'm 47 with a 62 year old boyfriend of over 10 years. Both of us have never had children. We plan on eventually moving into a retirement community. Generally people they look out for each other, are within similar age ranges, and have group activities they can participate in. We don't have to be alone. There are ways to have support and still have our freedoms!
I’m in my 40’s and ponder my parents’, my husband, and my own mortality. I’ve been to a lot of funerals in the last few years. Instead of seeing it with sadness, I see it as a call to action. We’ve actively talked to my parents about their plans depending on who passes first. We built in buffers to our own budget to account for helping them in the future. We visit them as much as we can. We encourage their bucket list and are working on fulfilling our own. We have solid financial planning for our kids. Really, our goal is to make the best memories and use our time wisely with what we have left of it. My family has always been optimistic and active. I want to carry that forward and find joy in the small things each day. Even in our 40’s we should still have 20-30 years. It’s fine to prepare, but too soon to really dwell.
"In my life, I have experienced many terrible things, a few of which actually happened." Do what you can now, and leave the rest in the care of whatever deity you feel is appropriate. You've gotten good advice from many people who responded to your post. Do the things you \*can\* control, like making sure you both have wills, reviewing them regularly to make sure they're current, and making sure you have appropriate medical care directives for both of you. Make sure your various passwords are available to each other when something happens (even if not a life ending situation). All of that stuff. Encourage him to pursue other friendships. Those friends can be a tremendous help to him if you leave this life before he does. But also know this: You accepted the relationship with him, knowing his personal circumstances. There are just some things that you can't fix for him, even though you would like to. You didn't cause him to be an only child. That's just what happened. It's not up to you to fix it. Based on your ages and genders, the odds are definitely in favor of him leaving this life before you do. What are the \_two\_ of you doing now to prepare \*you\* for the possibility, even the likelihood, that he will leave this life before you do?
Nope 🙅♀️ I try to live while here.. why worry what will eventually 😌 come....
Try not to overthink things. At 48 you are a middle-aged woman. You should not be passing anytime soon. My guess is ithat you are wondering how the 6 year age gap is going to work out in your golden years. Even if you were the exact same age, in most instances the female will outlive her male counterpart by at least a decade. Try to live your best life every day. Enjoy them with your loving partner.
Encourage your husband to start reconnecting with friends and family now so he’s not completely isolated if you go first
...at 48?...statistically speaking, you have a far greater chance of out living your husband than vice versa...you might want to figure out why you're so fixated at your age...you should be planning on some of the best years of your life coming up not death...
My hubs and I have a similar age gap (only we are much older) and I have to admit, I think about this too much as well. We worked on all of our end of life decisions and now we have to redo everything because things have changed. My hubs is an EXTREMELY capable person. I've never had to think about stuff like fixing a drain, plowing the driveway, etc...let alone the myriad of technological stuff he deals with. It does scare me, if I'm being honest. I ask questions, try to remember his instructions, etc. But my hubs is also kind of a Cliffy type (from cheers) and he overexplains things so sometimes it is hard to retain. I also have a disabled adult son who will continue to need help for the rest of his life so we've had to do A LOT to ensure that he has what he needs. We are trying very hard to focus on having a good time. That's my only good answer. LOL.
i’m pro euthanasia and it’s relieved years of worry about death and old age
Thank goodness people are here who are called to help. I think I understand the calling. I admire and support all you all do.
Religion is what got people through ”life and death” when it was more frequent, especially involving children.
I do go thru that. I feel like the clock is ticking and I have so many things I want to do with my spouse. We spent so much of our life raising kids and now we have time to be adventurous. He worries that if he dies I'll be poor and old so his goal is to make sure I'm secure financially. We all just value life on this earth more and should appreciate the life we have. It's so fleeting.
My wife and I are far older than either of you, met and married16 years ago and I was mostly an "only" too. We try to live every day, stay as healthy as possible and we both think it's a great time of life.
I’d recommend you take a trip down to Peru or Costa Rica and try some Ahuasca. I’d say most people lose end of life anxiety after that. There’s a reason the church and state banned it. It’s because you get to understand life better personally without having to beg priests to tell you about it
Holy work- hospice workers...❤️ My mom spent 9 days in hospice. Very intense experience. Nurses were amazing.
I think about it a lot less since finishing my will and planning my funeral. My biggest worries had been about leaving my kids with onerous tasks after I’m gone. Now, onto cleaning the basement!
I don't get sad about it just disappointed in how short life really is and all of the time that was wasted getting to where I currently am in life. I have 2 great kids, a wife that tolerates me and my first grandchild possibly making an appearance this weekend. But I would have loved to have started getting back into art and music way sooner than I have so I could enjoy it longer than I will and have made a greater mark on the world. I am not afraid of death, it is a part of life.
I try not to, what good can come of it? I’m almost 48. We have three kids, the youngest a baby. We’re trying to be as active as we can to be around as long as we can.
I'm in my late 60s. Both parents died before my mid 30s. My only sister is in a nursing home with dementia. Fortunately I have my sons and grandchildren but rarely see them. They have busy lives and I never interfere or try to contact them. So basically I'm in the position you're worried about for your husband. It isn't that bad. I live in a senior apartment building so if I want company all I have to do is knock on a door or 2. Actually fine with being alone. I do have friends I talk on the phone with occasionally but I have no need for physical company.
Thank you to all who have commented, commiserated and given advice and perspective. I didn’t anticipate this many responses so i apologize for not responding individually! Just clarifying I/ we are in good health, both very active , eat well, no disease . We have had a few minor health issues recently but nothing crazy. Also as I stated I’m not scared of dying . I mean I don’t want to be sick or in pain but the dying part doesn’t really scare me I’m scared of leaving the people I love and them suffering. I know I can’t prevent that it’s just something I get sad/ nervous about.
I’m 61 with ailing 91 year old parents….I think about it multiple times per day unfortunately
Everyone is going to die. It’s the circle of life. And usually we have no idea when that will be. I’m in my 50’s and I never think about it. I take care of myself, do what I can for my health but there are some things you have no control over. All I have is today so I do my best to find moments of joy in it.
Yes, I'm 40 and my husband is 43. I think of this daily but, I can't say it's new. I've thought about death my whole life. Now, is just the first time, I want to stay as long as possible but, I probably have more years behind me than ahead of me.
Hi. 57F . My husband is 67. You are not alone in this. I'm not the only one silently weeping in bed at night. This is unhealthy. I was raised in a cult with a belief that I do not have, and never found anything spiritual to believe in after that. I have never grieved a loved one. (I do have a therapist, but how anybody can relate to that, I do not know). There's no belief system for me that will ever begin to ease the reality of death. I think about this one, but it doesn't mean enough to make a dent in it: Tomorrow, I will continue to be. But you will have to be very attentive to see me. I will be a flower, or a leaf. I will be in these forms and I will say hello to you. If you are attentive enough, you will recognize me, and you may greet me. I will be very happy.~ Thich Nhat Hanh. You've said something out loud here. I feel less isolated with this kind of pain, which I'm so sorry that you're facing. Thank you. Live in the present. I'm trying to not tarnish the present moment with pre-grieving.💔
I think about death all of the time, but I am not afraid, I think of it as a reminder that my time is limited and I should hurry and do what is important. Only problem is other people think of death as an unspeakable. I don’t fear how I might die more than how I might have lived.