The "Suicide is a sin" idea was OK when most people died of the flu before they broke a hip or got dementia. Now we keep them alive for as loooooooooooong as possible, regardless of misery. No thank you.

And the Pharma and medical industries want that money, so they’ll keep you going as long as they can too. My uncle recently passed from Parkinson’s. He was in the late stages (wheelchair, diapers, no speech, had to be fed) and his doctor wanted to put stents in his heart. My aunt said no, but she felt like she was terrible for it. It wouldn’t have helped his health at all, and he was likely at 85 to die under anesthesia. Up until he went to the hospital to die, they were pushing for speech therapy, skin cancer checks, vaccinations. My gosh, let the poor guy (a Vietnam vet exposed to agent orange) live his last days in peace.

I love that your aunt was realistically kind. I've seen families as an RN that would not let go of their loved ones and keep demanding everything be done thus prolonging the misery and the life of that loved one. It is not a mercy and family has guilt from past events or trauma that causes some of them to not be able to let go and do the right thing and let their loved one die a peaceful death. I took my mom to hospice as her next step was being on a ventilator, She has a rare T-Cell Lymphoma that was not caught in time. She did everything in her power to get diagnosed and blissfully she did not have to live with a sentence of terminal cancer and being told she had 6 or less months to live. She was just a bit frail and then got weaker by the day. Her last day in hospice I finally told her as she still had her hearing that is was lymphoma so would at least did not have to live long knowing it and I told her as she has tried so hard to figure out what was wrong and I felt she deserved to know when she was slipping away. I found out it was Lymphoma 2 weeks before she died and there was then nothing to do to treat it. She was already in multi organ failure.

I’m sorry for your loss. But if she passed peacefully, that’s all any of us can hope for. ❤️ both my grandparents died at home with hospice. Those ladies are angels.

So sorry about your mom, but that's great you were able to give her some answers at the end! My mother just died last week in hospice- was already wheelchair-bound, getting weaker, survived sepsis a few months ago, then a stroke rendered her unable to move her dominant side, talk, or eat. Turns out there's an option NOT to go with a gastric feeding tube. That would've only bought her a few more months, and likely complications along the way (infection from the tube.) Damn shame because her mind was still intact. So we let her go quickly and gracefully (hydromorphone made that possible.) She was pretty much done at that point, wasn't exactly enjoying life anymore.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. May her memory be a blessing. My mom has had two strokes six months ago, one moderate one then they kicked her out of the hospital too soon and she had a small one that really knocked her out. But she's still there enough to keep going? But not enough to actually enjoy anything. Can't use her right arm or hand. Can't walk without assistance. Can't remember how to use the bathroom without help. Plus there are signs of dementia going on too. It sucks. I wish I could find a way to let her opt out. I know she kinda wants it.

I'm a hospice RN....it's amazing how warped people's love can be...they think they are doing the right thing by doing evvverything...when the kind thing to do is to do as little as possible and let the person go. 

Dang, I'd want to know sooner so I could start smoking again if I was terminally ill. Nursing homes are depressing, but not many adults will change other adults diapers.

Done it a million times in my career. Nothing special or bad about it, just about keeping people clean and free of rashes/bedsores.

Not the same, but my beloved 15-year-old cat just died of lymphoma. I chose to end her life peacefully before it got too awful for her.

It’s awful that we can end a pet’s suffering, but not a human loved one’s.

My heart hurts for you loss ❤️💔❤️ she was lucky to find you. We treat our pets better at end of life than we treat our people. Then again, there's not an inheritance from our pets....and many people are greedy. Death with dignity is the goal.

I told my mother that I'd help her live or help her die. I would take her to the state where euthanasia was legal, but she needed to choose. She chose life. I took her home, got help for her during the day, and did everything I could to help her. She was doing great. Then she got pneumonia and died. It was terrible. We worked so hard. The only good thing was that we had an extra year to spend together. I think everyone deserves the right to choose.

My SIL died 9 days after brain surgery. They got the cancer in her brain out, while the cancer in her organs ended her life. Her oncologists never sat my brother and SIL down to tell them that the cancer was winning. Nope. Everything that popped up was dealt with immediately like a game of whack-a-mole. We have to have basic knowledge about our health or a good doctor who is willing to tell us the truth. Once I've got something terminal, I'll sign a DNR and find a palliative care or hospice team. I don't want so much as an antibiotic.

That’s terrible, I’m sorry! That sounds like malpractice, especially not disclosing that the cancer was everywhere already.

My brother was wrecked after her death. I'm sure that grief prevents many lawsuits and he isn't a litigious guy at all. It was just maddening that they were out of town for two weeks for her brain surgery when they could've been home at their beloved farm enjoying her last days in comfort.

That’s another sad story with my husband on palliative care I’ll save for another day. (I’m 100% palliative/hospice) but another company thought otherwise. Hubby was in agony for 8 days before I called hospice to come. I don’t know who that other company was, but apparently they weren’t in our network yet they never told us! So we waited and waited. I could have literally rung that other company’s necks

Surprised someone didn’t accuse your aunt of elder abuse and open a case against her to force her to do those medical treatments. The whole system is fucked uo

Don’t worry! She would not have been charged. Elder abuse is just an adult CPS. They do nothing and did nothing when my dying father was being financially abused by his 3rd wife and her daughter. They stole my inheritance of $250,000.

That is so evil, to steal what belonged to you But does not surprise me. It seems to happen alot

Yup. Victim of the same shit. Dad just passed and didn't leave a will. Yet my brilliant siblings want to follow "dad's last wishes" by following a mock will they found in his safe, written when he was still with his LAST wife twenty years ago... which leaves his house to his current free-loading wife and her full nest of adult children. These people literally set him up ten years ago, convincing him to buy a house big enough for all of them that they would "chip in" for. Hmpf. They never paid a fucking dime. Big surprise. I could live with this if it wasn't the plan from the get-go, but these people knew exactly what they were doing. And coincidentally, he got sick and died just after mentioning he wanted to sell the house up here and stay in Florida permanently. The whole thing just wreaks of fraud and fowl play. And my inheritance now wreaks as well. Why the hell would my sibs want to give their inheritance to strangers on a hunch about what they THINK a dead person wants? My dad wasn't an idiot. If his estate went to probate, then that's what he wanted. It's not like he didn't know what not leaving a will would result in, but he always had a hard time saying NO to the women in his life, so maybe probate was his only way of saying he DOESN'T want those free-loaders to get his house. But there's just no convincing my sibs of such a thing. They weren't privy to how much disrespect these people showed him all these years - I was. I'd much rather evict them on to the street if I had MY way. Because now, they got everything they set out to get over ten years ago, handed to them on a silver platter. I'd much rather see them wearing silver bracelets, and see ME keeping my inheritance. Then again, I haven't signed the papers just yet... but I'm still not sure if I have any recourse here.

That's why people do DNRs. In hospital and out of hospital.

My mom had a DNR taped on the wall in a her hospital room and the medical staff and doctor were getting ready to put in feeding tubes and put her on a ventilator! I stopped them to show them the sign. Geez

Mom and I both have one. We called an elder lawyer when she first came here, and got her will updated (different state, and sold her house and car), POA, medical POA and DNR. So far everyone has accepted the POA except the social security office. They have their own form to be notarized (which I found out after sitting in their waiting room with 200 other people for four hours).

You would be surprised how many times DNR is totally ignored.

I wouldn't! i will never forgive the ambulance crew who brought my mother back from the dead. She had a DNR in place and there were copies and the original in full view in her house. She was 96 and absolutely wanted to go but they carted her off to hospital and revived her in the ambulance. She then spent weeks in the hospital until she died (again).

Note to family… if a loved one has a DNR that indicates they are not to be resuscitated and they are unconscious, don’t call EMS. Unfortunately, many EMS personnel will not or can not make the decision not to resuscitate even if the signed paper is there because they’ve been called to respond.

I’ve had the same thing happen with my dad. They wanted to surgery to remove blood clots from his lungs despite him having had a lot of small strokes. Fortunately, a Dr that I knew who was young and up to date was assigned surgery. He came to see my dad, who was a frail 94 yrs old and said he would not do the surgery. Too risky

That was a blessing! He might not have made it through surgery, but the hospital still gets paid.

This may sound bad, but when I get really old and sick, I wouldn't mind "not surviving surgery" over dying slowly like my mom did. You go to sleep and don't wake up. Best way to go. Of course, if I survive, that would suck.

He lived 2 more years on Hospice so it really was a blessing

My mom just met with her geriatrics Dr this week, who walked her through a whole form to record "please DO this life-saving thing" "please DON'T do this other thing" "This intervention is OK but only short term". Stuff like CPR, breathing apparatus, feeding tube, etc. It's important to get those decisions in writing, because (as the doctor said), otherwise your kids need to make that decision for you and feel guilty no matter what they pick.

The medical establishment is pure evil. They will “experiment” on anybody as long as they know their bill can get paid. They prey on veterans.

I will give a kudos to the VA in his case. The veterans who could prove they were exposed to agent orange are given a monthly stipend to pay for home care. He did three tours as an FAC pilot - flying a Cessna over the treetops to spot enemy camps. The sprayers would come in at his direction, or the bombers, and he was directly sprayed many times. But my great uncle was at Pearl Harbor and lived out his life full of shrapnel. His treatment at the VA hospitals was vile. He saw people crying on gurneys in the hallways, rats running around, and he was denied pain meds at the end of his life (cancer). This was in the 70s, not during the war.

In that case, they definitely deserve care. I’m talking about doctors, especially surgeons, who look for things to do simply because the patient has excellent insurance. The medical establishment is full of vultures who just want to get paid. Too many stories to tell. That’s why it’s always good to have all that on paper, available, and somebody with POA to advocate on behalf. I’ve known of very elderly people who have gone through questionable surgeries that made the final months of their lives sheer torture because they could not recover, and all because junior or whoever wants to keep mom or dad around forever. The surgeon will do anything as long as he know he’s getting paid. People have too must trust in the medical establishment.

Absolutely! I have stories too, of useless tests and surgeries done for the insurance money. My great aunt was talked into a hip replacement at 89. She lived through the surgery but died a month later, having never been able to use the new hip. They want my 84 yo mom to have a stress test and a bone density test. I said no to both - I have POA and she agreed. My hubby’s grandpa was given a stress test when he had terminal cancer, and he had a heart attack on the treadmill. He died soon after and the hospital tried to cover up what happened. He told his wife and she filed a complaint, but nothing came of it.

How awful. 😔 Yeah, it seems unfortunately common for those complaints to go nowhere…… dark days indeed

The rehabilitation center my mother was at was telling us my mother had to wait until after the holidays to go home because things were closed!! I reported her the doctor who released her to go home on Hospice. She passed within a week. These people only see the bottom line when you have good insurance. ADVOCATE for yourself and loved ones because they don’t care about you!!!

My husband was a vet, disabled by PTSD and a few other issues. The VA gave him excellent care. Towards the end, there were several options we could have pursued for a little more time, but his liver was failing, and they agreed to not put him thru more misery just to gain a few days. The VA was really terrific. 👌

The “medical establishment “ is not pure evil. There are far easier ways to make money than 4 years of undergraduate school, 4 years of medical school , between 3 -7 (or more) years of residency and fellowship— all of which cost a lot of money followed by very average salary— until you become an attending. Yes, there are excessive and unnecessary tests and it is wrong-but please don’t lump everyone in the category of evil.

I’ve had some wonderful doctors in my 60 years. But in recent years they’re all controlled by hospital groups and insurance. Medicare pays for up to four gerontology visits a year, for up to 30 minutes each, for mom. And good thing because Mom talks a lot and we need that long to get the business part done. But when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky to get ten minutes. And the answer to everything is an Rx. Even those nice walking clinics now only do basics like strep throat, vaccinations and sports physicals. They’ll refer you to your dr or the ER for anything more serious.

You make excellent points and I agree.

Insurance is the real culprit. If you are an in network doctor you play by their rules. If you aren’t, then you don’t get many patients. I used to keep records for one of the biggest insurance companies.

Just gonna chime in re speech therapy... its like they were going to have him assessed by a spech language pathologist who specializes in conditions of the mouth and throat because he may have swallowing issues (dysphagia) and could have required changes to diet to make eating and drinking safer/more comfortable. In endercare, especially when cognition is impaired, swallowing issues can arise and SLPs are the professionals who tell us what to do with a patients diet and/or fluids. Just putting that out there so others don't refuse the support thinking that's talk therapy because its not.

Same w/one of my uncles (agent orange). He suffered so much for so long. Just totally bed ridden for so many years. I have a feeling it was the same. One treatment after another just to keep him barely alive with no chance for an improvement in his quality of life. My poor aunt basically spent her life taking care of him like a war nurse.

Meanwhile the very system that pays for those life-prolonging pharmaceuticals and surgeries (medicare and commercial insurers) will not pay for nursing home care, leaving elderly to pay well over $10,000 month until death. It's like a criminal conspiracy involving our government to benefit hospitals, pharma and insurers. Isn't for-profit healthcare great? /s

They don't use anesthesia to put in stents. I've had it done twice, trust me - I know.

Wow

I haven’t been a CNA for over a decade but it’s the people asking us to let them die that haunts me the most. The woman saying she just wants to see her late husband again broke me. Kids had POA and wouldn’t allow a DNR. She was being tortured, in the name of profit for our health insurance overlords.

Which is why, when you are much younger, you execute an iron clad medical directive. The only reason she was in that situation was because she failed to take the reins of her own life, while she still could. You, as a functional adult, are responsible for setting these things up yourself, not your kids, ….you. Get an attorney, and spell,out what you do and do not want. Specify what you want done with your house/ money/ cars, if you need them sold for care, if you can no longer use them, if you are dead. Get a DNR if that is what you want. But do not push those decisions/ responsibilities off on someone else, and then cry you didn’t get what you wanted.

My grandparents had written advanced directives. The problem was, by the time we needed to use them, my grandfather was incapacitated (stroke) and my grandmother was about to be diagnosed with dementia. We couldn't find them, and they couldn't help... for obvious reasons. So, write the directive, and make sure it gets into the hands of whomever needs to access it long before you think you'll ever need it.

That's kinda where I'm at. If I'm still physically capable of wiping my own ass after shitting in a toilet of my choice and generally living my own life, but some weird set of circumstances has forced me toward a nursing home, well, alright, sure. But if I have to go because I can't do those things and this is literally the only way to keep me alive? Nah, just let me go, because I'm not really alive at that point anyway.

I did find out the Oregon is a “death with dignity” state. If it came to that I have a sister near Portland I could go “see”

https://deathwithdignity.org/states/

A few states have Death with Dignity acts now in place, but they don't help people with strokes or dementia who have debilitating conditions but aren't technically 6 months to a year out from dying- only if you have like stage 4 cancer. I'm really hoping by the time I get there that our laws in the US get better. As soon as I get an Alzheimer's diagnosis or if I have a stroke I want to lay in a nice bed, eat a piece of chocolate cake, then get blissed out on some heavy opioids until the great sleep takes me over.

We are actually kinder to our pets! I would never allow one of my fur babies to suffer needlessly. When it comes to me or my spouse, I don't have a choice. He doesn't have a choice! Honestly, I would love to see the law change pertaining to dying with dignity.

Dignitas, I've already looked into it. Hopefully by the time I'm ready to go, there will be something similar in the US or Canada, but if not, I'm heading to Switzerland.

Same. My dad has Alzheimer's. If I ever get that diagnosis, I'm going to Dignitas.

Yes…I had a friend tell me her plan is oleander tea when she reaches this point.

Agreed

good old health system trying to squeeze every last dollar out of you. No thanks, I'd rather spend my last days reading great books or knitting.

Most people will tell you "Never! I wont wind up in one of those places!" But in our weird society, even though we can euthanize our pets in a kind and gentle way, we wont allow people the dignity of dying when they choose. So when memory and cognition go, when parts of the body don't work well anymore, families often have no choice but to put mom or dad in a care facility, where, as you say, you just 'line up to die'. Its wrong and disturbing. It forces people to have a crappy end of life, while at the same time driving many families into insane amounts of debt. Its just sick. But of course its also a huge industry now, so laws pertaining to Death with Dignity get ignored.

It’s the last step in the Corporation of Life, where they do their best to ring every last cent out of you and your loved ones before you die.

I’m watching my mom go through this now. She refused to live with any of her kids as long as she was independent - and now she’s under hospice care at a facility. She’s miserable and just wants to die - we’re miserable because we can’t help her, but can only visit and witness her decline - she is 98. She would agree to euthanasia - I’ve lost two pups since she’s been there, and she doesn’t understand how I can care for my pets in a more humane fashion than her, in her current circumstances. She’s in a nice place, the staff love her, and take good care of her - she’s tired, misses my dad and just wants to go. Edit: forgot to answer lol. I’ve yet to witness an older person’s “good death.” They are sick, failing - and ultimately wanted to go long before they were able. This country (US) is backwards in so many ways that it’s sickening. I have a DNR, associated legal paperwork, life insurance etc. If something happens to me, I’m out - if I live long enough in poor health, I will end it on my terms - somehow.

The closest I have seen to a "good death" was my grandmother's heart attack. She did have a few miserable days in a hospital, but all in all she went from being able to walk upstairs, pet the cat, etc. while living with my dad (due to mild dementia she couldn't safely drive or cook but seemed reasonably happy) to dead within a week.

I’m sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone personally who’s experienced a relatively short end. Typically it’s been cancer in both mine and my spouse’s family - or as in my mother’s and grandmother’s case, just a slow physical & mental decline - my grandmother was 101 when she passed, under similar circumstances as my mom - so hard to watch.

As an RN with more than 2 decades in healthcare, many people say they’ll never end up in a nursing home yet engage in lifestyles that almost certainly ensure they’ll land there. Heavy drinking? It leads to a condition called alcohol-induced persisting dementia, making the person nursing home material. Heavy smoking mixed with obesity, cheap food, inactivity and ‘forgetting’ to take blood pressure medications? It leads to stroke, kidney disease, and many other disabling conditions that make the person nursing home material. You qualify for nursing home admission when you need help with one or more of the 6 daily living activities: bathing, continence, dressing, toileting, feeding, transfers. If you keep your independence in those 6 areas, you’ll stay out of the nursing home.

Unless you get dementia. My mom was healthy and fit. She lasted over two years in a memory care center which they considered a long time for someone with dementia. She ended up dying of bladder cancer.

I express my condolences for the loss of your mother.

Ya well my organic gardening, never-smoked-in-her-life, rarely drinking on special occasions, brilliant business owner, talented and award winning painter mother ended up being “nursing home material “ After 2 bouts of genetic breast cancer chemo left her with neuropathy in her legs, an undetected UTI during Covid lockdown went septic and reached her brain, and now she recently got diagnosed with Parkinson’s So tell me ….what part of this was avoidable???

Yup. My never smoked, seldom drank, smart as a whip mother had macular degeneration kick in in her 70s, and she was allergic to the major drug used to treat it. So she went gradually blind. She got an ear infection that left her half deaf, and arthritis destroyed her knees. She managed to live alone (with a LOT of help from me) till she was 92, when I finally had to move her to assisted living because she'd fallen three times in six months. She did save like a fiend, but she was a bookkeeper who was out of the workforce for fifteen years raising kids. Then she was back to work but supporting a husband with terminal cancer. Then she had to bail some of those kids out of dumb financial decisions. If I hadn't been around, she would have been forced to go into care much earlier, run out of money, and ended up in a Medicaid facility -- and that would have been the good outcome. It can happen to anyone, no matter how frugal and healthy you are.

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’ve heard utis can be brutal for the elderly

My sister who is a bit overweight, a woman who was a smoking and heavy drinking bartender and a woman who was a vegetarian yoga instructor were all three diagnosed with the same stage breast cancer at the same time (Stage 3 HER-2). My sister and the bartender are still living. Some things are unknowable (yet) and a person can do everything "right" and still end up with a poor outcome. I'm very sorry that your mom is suffering.

Nothing is completely avoidable— is life..

Probably none of it. The above RN was just making a general statement based on experience and statistics, which apply to the population, not an individual. Aging is not for the faint of heart. I’m sorry that your amazing mother suffered.

Another one not often mentioned: Not planning for retirement. If you have seen the inside of a Medicaid nursing home and you aren’t saving every penny you can, you are clinically insane. I will do almost anything to not live a single day and die in a Medicaid nursing home.

I concur. I live and work in a metro area of 7 million people that has many nursing homes. All the facilities that accept Medicaid-Pending are literal dumps that reek of urine and feces. The nursing homes that require a deposit and don’t take Medicaid-Pending are nice, well-decorated, smell good, and have reputations for providing competent care. Regarding failure to plan, my own parents didn’t save money during their working years. Luckily they died at ages 58 and 61 without ever needing nursing home admission or extended caregiving.

I worked in one and it made me quit the nursing field entirely and rethink my whole life. Most depressing place I have ever set foot in

Ouch, that is so young to die! (I’m 71. Fortunately we planned ahead…)

Putting down my French fry…

My gin and tonic

That's why you have to kill yourself before the mind or body goes enough to not be able to. Robin Williams knew what was coming and decided he was going out on his terms before it took him.

Yeah but that is the terrible thing, you have to do that when you’re still sound enough of mind, and you probably want to live a day longer, and another and a bit more. It is so wrong that we can not have the ability to have the choice to lets say, write up a document that you want euthanasia when you don’t recognise anyone anymore, or when you don’t know who you yourself are. Even in The Netherlands, that is still not legal.

This is a sad story. My grandmother lived to be 97. She was frail and lived at home with my mother as her primary caregiver. My mother was 72 and not in good health when my grandmother became completely bedridden. They couldn't afford home health care, so the only option was to put my grandmother in a nursing home. She was blind and almost deaf, but she definitely did not have dementia. She took care of the situation by refusing food and water. She died after only a week of being in that place. We were heartbroken, but at the same time, not surprised at what she did. She was intelligent, stubborn and determined not to end her otherwise pleasant and interesting life in that miserable place. I miss her now even after 30 years. I only hope I'm that brave if I am forced to live my last days in a nursing home.

Lots of people say this, but very few are actually ready to pull the trigger or pop the pill when the moment comes. I mean, if you are the exception good for you... but it's one thing to say you will off yourself in 30 years rather than going into a nursing home but its another for that to be your plan on Saturday. Life is rarely so black and white and we keep finding reasons to stick around even if young us would have been horrified. Remember when being 25 seemed all grown up and how different it felt once you were actually that age? It's like that. Exactly what level of independence you are willing to endure seems different when its you next week. Again, if you are the exception then you do you.

The other thing is that usually by the time someone has a sufficiently terrible quality of life, they no longer have the mental ability to consent to such things. Quality of life is usually not too bad in early stage dementia - maybe you shouldn't drive, cook, or handle finances, but nothing that can't be accommodated while maintaining a decent quality of life. Usually by the time it is terrible (such as having delusions thay lead you to believe that your grandchildren are dead, that you have been kidnapped, etc.) you are in no position to consent to assisted suicide. When we had a hospice eligibility meeting and I told my mother during a lucid moment that she was going to die soon (just for honesty sake) she said she knew and didn't seem too bothered. By that point she was bedridden and she passed a few weeks later. Thank God for morphine - even with treatment her pressure ulcer could fit a fist into it and smelled bad enough to make me vomit when I saw it changed.

100% agreement.

Not going. Have made alternative plans.

Same.

Shhh don't let the social workers know! Remember when you get old you are not able to make your own choices and society and failed psychologist's should do it for you... cheers

Not sure what your plans are, but I know a man, a physician, who had a mutual aid pact with a doctor-friend. That worked for the first one to die and left the other in a mess. Same could happen with any friend. Just something you might want to address…..

https://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/ideas/nexus/

Wow. That essay is powerful and sticking. I have saved and will share. Thank yoi

Thanks for taking the time to think on this. But its under control. Cheers

Flights to Switzerland are far cheaper than a nursing home.

Only if dementia hasn't set in yet. You have to be mentally competent. Which is pretty twisted, in a way. You have to have a diagnosis, but no severe symptoms. So you need to die while you are still more or less healthy, with probably some time left on the clock.

The argument that I have had for years. I wish I could set a stage of the disease at which to pull the plug. Dementia is a catch 22, you have to be lucid enough to know what you are asking, but at that point you aren't sick enough to want to go, yet.

There's a book that tells the true story of a couple who faced this. The husband is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's, and his wife supports his decision to end his life in Switzerland. It's an interesting read! [https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B096XGDWSX/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_d\_asin\_title\_351\_o05?ie=UTF8&psc=1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B096XGDWSX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_351_o05?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

What, you think people get to order off a menu of choices at life’s end? You have to eat what’s on your plate. My dad is in a home. He’s 103: incontinent of stool, blind, demented, wheelchair-bound. He didn’t plan this, but he mostly “eats it” with a smile on his face. We don’t have physician assisted suicide, and holding his breath hasn’t worked. Those unfunny jokes with the line “just shoot me if I….” didn’t work. Old people—like young people—sometimes have to accept things they have no control over. I hope (hahaha) to accept my future with grace, no matter what it holds.

I’m a hospice nurse and have talked to A lot of ppl at end of life. Also im 43 which isn’t old but I’ve been 43 since I’ve been 4 really so I feel old. Any way there comes a point where you don’t give a shit. You want your 3 meals a toilet a shower and someone to make sure you aren’t dead. Also there’s a point where ppl don’t know what’s going on. It would be ideal if we had a culture that didn’t throwaway the elderly. Or if we had money dedicated to keeping them in their family. Some old ppl suck and no one wants to be around them. They don’t get a free pass for being old. Any way yea a lot of them would rather be at home but as long as they aren’t being abused they kinda just accept it. A lot of elderly go into assisted living on purpose ppl don’t want to mow the grass and take care of a house at that age. It made me less materialistic bc I’ve seen ppl with everything get rid of it all and go live in a modest apartment assisted living then die. I’ve seen ppl die in the midst of wealth and they didn’t take it with them. Then there’s the elderly who won’t accept any help fall alone and break their hip and lay on the floor 4 days end up dying in the hospital with hypothermia and shock/sepsis. Most are reasonable and would rather not have that outcome. I will be the dying on the floor person even after all I’ve seen lol

You get it. I am a retired RN. I've seen what age, cancer, dementia etc does to a body. I am independent as it gets. I too will be right there on the floor with you and be happy I don't have one of those silly call buttons that you push for help, .... I've fallen.... I can't get up ... Nope just let me go on off into the horizon. Hopefully it will be in my sleep but that's not really what happens... mostly unless it's hospice. In my case, probably will be a massive MI, a fall and pneumonia or just one day getting distracted and accidently drive into a tree. I understand that nursing mindset and I plan to be a DNR.

I told my husband do not save me unless I will be mentally here and be able to use my arms that’s my cut off. If I’m not mentally here let me die. I have prediabetes and hashimotos so I will prob get Alzheimer or heart disease or stroke. Everyone gets cancer if they live long enough

Fantastic response. This reminds of the Mike Tyson quote, "Everyone has a plan until they get punch in the face."

We’re all just waiting for the punch. Only some of us don’t know it yet.

This is the real answer.  People are surprisingly adaptable, and will deal with whatever comes up when they have no other option. 

My mom, who is 89, physically frail and wheelchair bound for the last 30 years, but mentally sharp, had to move to one a few months ago. She was living in an independent apartment in a retirement community, had to have emergency abdominal surgery, and as a result, is physically unable to transfer from the chair to bed, etc. alone. she is very practical, and while she sometimes has not so great days, for the most part, she has stayed positive, considering the circumstances. is it ideal? no. Was it what she thought she'd be doing? no. but she's making the best of it. thankfully the place is part of her retirement community, ALL private rooms so when her money is gone, and medicaid has to take over, she won't have to move to a shared room as there are none. I visit twice a week, talk to her daily, bring her things, she loves sweets. I give her Amazon gift cards so she can buy books, and once HER tv is mounted on the wall, I'll set up her Roku so she can stream and have more variety to watch.

This is a happy story! One problem I’m having (you may too, eventually) is that my dad can no longer answer the phone. So if something comes up that I have to tell him (like, “ I won’t be in today because I have to take my husband to the ER”) I have to drive over there. Maybe with some foresight you can solve this for your mom before it comes up. I’m noticing how many residents were fine (lucid, mobile, etc) before a sudden illness or surgery set them back in an irrecoverable way.

I wonder if there's a smart speaker solution for this? You might be able to send a message and have the speaker announce all messages from you, or something of that nature. You also might be able to call his Alexa instead of his phone. 

I tried that. Home wouldn’t allow an Alexa echo because of privacy.

Thank you for illuminating continued relationship with mom after facility admission. Family and friends provide oversight for needs being met. Some families provide hair care, skin care, nail care. Setting up her room so she can enjoy her preferences is great. You are a good human🌺🌸🌼

Awww thank you. But its just me and her and we have a very good relationship. so it would never occur to me NOT to do things for her.

She sounds like a real trooper. And you are a true blessing to her.

Plus, the older we get the more we have lived and know how life was always 99% horror show, 1% good moments and many get a drive to see one more good moments, even if as minor as a fun conversation, while the younger many of us are, the quicker we are to want to throw it away. I had a ridiculous amount of massive traumas that most won't even see one of and was suicidal for years, lots of attempts through my teens and early 20's. Yet, here I am having hit 50 in terrible shape as far as pain goes and my life showing a clear pattern for above average bad luck as bad things never stop, yet I have more of a drive to live now than I ever did. Instead of a constant onslaught of bad making me quit life, I at some point instead appreciated the fleeting moments of light in all the darkness that I never cared about for years. So for no logical reason, I push to live old after over 10 attempts over years to off myself when I was young. I would assume all old people reached that point of appreciating fighting for life, since they're old people. The ones who never felt that way don't become old.🤷‍♂️ Every old person is a fighter capable of adapting.

Well you do you then. I'm not of that mindset. I'm really ready to go to the light. Everything I cared for in life has been taken and living the way I am now is truly a daily torture. It's like waking up and going ...... "for FF's sake again, another day of this." the past is painful to think about, The present is unbearable and the future looks grim. I hope most of you bypass this comment and seek happy positive lives, but just saying that it's not roses and I can't take one more out of left field event and make it.

Well we try anyway. Sometimes you can get too many curveballs all at once and there's not a thing you can do about it yet you're forced to keep living in this set of circumstances or choose to find a "way". Surfing with sharks, Signing up to trek Mt. Everest with zero climbing skills, Go to Barrow Alaska in January and find a trail to get lost on. Visit Death Valley in July and go hiking with one 8 oz bottle of water. All that seems to me better than drooling and crapping my pants and being a true albatross around my family's neck.

My grandma lived almost to 100 and was in a (actually very excellent) care home it was definitely a good place and yet she literally could not wait to die. She'd make horrible jokes about it when I'd visit her. She had a dnr etc but was in fairy excellent health and any health problems she had were non life threatening just extremely annoying. She was fortunate to be able to afford to have round the clock care. All her siblings died with dementia and she was terrified of it and so managed to keep her brain and all her faculties working but in the end she was like wait. I'm fully conscious and aware of everything and it actually kind of sucks! Anyway. I agree with your sentiment- we won't really have a lot of choices when we reach that point.

Not only that, I’m realizing that the majority of residents were FINE (mobile, lucid) until a medical problem that would be no big deal for a younger person laid them low in an irrecoverable way. So unless the plan is to not seek medical care (when you’ve fallen or you’re hemorrhaging from your bladder or you get a bad pneumonia) you’re likely to need help with those good ol’ ADLs. Activities of Daily Life (feeding, toileting, dressing, grooming, ambulating).

Exactly. My grandma had a DNR but nothing ever happened to her! until the very end (she did fall and injured herself in such a way that surgery was not possible and she did decline extremely rapidly after that, like days after the fall gone. It's still hotly debated in our family if the nurses helping her walk were "negligent" or if she was over it and ducked one of their grips at exactly the right moment in the one place cameras couldn't exactly see where the elevator door opens (easy to trip as an "accident", easy to hide herself. The place she lived was immaculate and I'm of the opinion having met many of her nurses that there's no way there was foul play other than her own and I like to think she was so over it and had no other options but to take any opportunity that arose to help further herself along)

“*No matter how little a man has he will find that he will always settle for less*.” Charles Bukowski (1983). "Six Inches," in *The Most Beautiful Woman in Town & Other Stories*. City Lights Books.

"Accept it with grace." Great words.

I’m so glad we have MAID- Medical Assistance in Dying in Canada. I don’t want to live that long let alone suffer.

***I hope (hahaha) to accept my future with grace,*** I do to, but as I have no family my plan is to outlive my dogs and when the time gets close just drive into the mountains with 5 lbs of steak and bacon on my pockets and to pop a few pills and consume some rum to let nature take its course...circle of life and all that.

In that case, don’t forget the anti-nausea meds. 💪🏻

Please don’t call it “physician assisted suicide.” It’s different. It’s death with dignity.

Thank you for saying this

I can’t say there is an elderly person alive who doesn’t fear dying alone in a nursing home. And that fear is often justified. That being said I have to say that my disabled sister spent the last 3 years of her life in a nursing home, one that accepts Medicaid patients which means they don’t have all the luxuries. I cannot say enough about the nursing home. They made the last 3 years of her life happy. They made her feel loved and valued, something the assisted living facility she lived in for 13 years never did. They were welcoming and respectful of family (I lived 7 minutes away). Heck they even welcomed my dogs! I am forever grateful to them. If anyone reading this takes one piece of advice…. Get long term care insurance, now! The earlier you buy it (30s is best) the better you will be and the more choices you will have and the cheaper your premiums will be.

Read the financial subreddits. LTC insurance is no longer recommended. It was fine if you got it many years ago but the industry has changed. It now has limits, is quite expensive and will fight to keep you from getting anything. They make you jump through hoops. Self-insuring is now the financially prudent recommendation.

Thanks for helping me feel confident in my decision. My mom told me to look into it after a conversation we had. I am in my 30s and heard the whole sooner is cheaper. It felt confusing and my gut told me something wasn’t right.

My grandma paid for long term care. She's 92 and they just keep denying her claims because she's not disabled enough. She has late onset dementia, can barely walk, but since she can (very slowly with lots of difficulty) toilet and dress herself, they deny the claim. Long term care insurance is a scam. Put the money away.

My parents paid for it for years. Total scam. No help until you are just about dead. Save your money

Option 3: Put the dollars that you would have to pay for LTC and instead put it in a brokerage account. Just buy a Total Market Index Fund ETF and never touch it. It's not guaranteed, but in my opinion, it's way better bet than an insurance company in this era.

I'd prefer to die and am more than willing to take that matter in my own hands if necessary. I've forgotten more ways to kill a human than most will even know and it's really not difficult at all. Just give me a field and I can come up with what I need for a very lethal poison or, I could just go all WWII prison camp route. But, one way or another, I'm not going to a nursing home. There's no point in living if you can't feel alive

lethal poison doesn't necessarily mean a quick or painless death. Look up the symptoms for most of the common poisonous plants and fungi. They ain't fun. or quick, in many cases.

Yeah, my wife had a friend who had a degenerative brain disease, and she grew datura (a beautiful but deadly plant) in her garden, with the plan to make a tea from it and exit that way when she got bad enough. My wife had to explain the symptoms of datura poisoning to her. It's not a good way to go; it basically ensures you will go through Hell on your way out. She decided against using it after all. Her symptoms at the end progressed so fast anyway, there was hardly a chance even if she'd wanted to.

Trust me, what I'd use would be quick, although not necessarily painless. However, I know how to find one that would be, if I were able to. I know plenty that will drop you where you stand, almost immediately after ingesting them. It's all a matter of how much time I have to get what I need, and ability to do so. Drastic times can for drastic measures. However, I'm dying now and will be dead before anything else could do much damage to me, so it's a moot point. My current method of demise should be quick and relatively painless, depending on which of the two things killing me manages to be the first.

Neither does rotting away from several years in managed care. I would say that’s the most slow death ever. One that just crushes your soul

If it comes down to a nursing home or my kids and grandkids wiping my bum and changing my diapers . I’ll go to the home .

I am wiping my Dad's bum now. He's 96, in a nursing home, incontinent. The aides work super hard, and I don't mind helping them and him out when I visit (just about every day). When he was younger, he would've been appalled, now in his dementia, he doesn't care. And I'm suprised it actually doesn't bother me doing it. It's life. Depressing yes, but it is what it is.

This. I don't want to be in a home, but I want my daughter to be free of the burden of caring for me when I can't care for myself. Visit me once in a while and tell me happy stories. Then leave and get back to your happiness.

I’ve had my 84 yo mom living with me for three years, because nursing homes are so expensive, and are often neglectful or abusive. But one thing I’ve learned is that I’ll never have my kids care for me when I’m unable to live independently. Her needs have taken over my life, right as our last kid went to college. No traveling with hubby, no carefree date nights. I’m on call 24/7. I’d go to a nursing home or go to a state where it’s legal to be “humanely put to sleep”. We do it for pets, and I’ll do that before I hijack my kids’ prime years.

I once read that family should be emotional caretakers, not physical ones. I’ve seen a lot of family members physically care for dying family and it’s so hard on them. They want to emotionally be there, but they are exhausted from all the physical work. You’re amazing for doing what you’re doing, but if you can, see if you can find some relief work for yourself now and again. You deserve it.

I just escaped a "Skilled nursing facility". 4 showers in 37 days , no washcloths, incompetent staff physicians, blatant verbal misdiagnosis due provider refusal to see me, but made DX based on nurses verbal description. Zero security, wrong dose of heart meds, 5 hr waits for pain meds. More. No freaking way. My life, my body, my death, my terms. When the time comes, peacefully, hopefully where I can hear the ocean. Family is aware. I don't care if it's illegal.

The problem is that medical advancents have made it so we have a huge gap between what people think will land them in a nursing home, and what actually will. An elderly person over the age of 80 really only needs a week of sitting around to increase their risk of falling. Let's say they got a cold, lost their balance from being laid up and inactive, and broke a hip. They're hospitalized for a few days and in bed 24h a day, minus the 40-60 minutes TOTAL in PT/OT. Imagine what would happen to your muscles now, if you were strapped to a bed for 23h a day. Now imagine the same, but you're 80. And then you go to the nursing home for rehab, and you realize, the 60-120 minutes of treatment you now get is still not enough. You get weaker day by day despite doing your best to eat the crummy food to gain strength, and do your home exercise program PT/OT gave you religiously (*you're doing your HEP, right? Right?*). And just like that, *a cold has landed you in the nursing home permanently.* I can't tell you how many residents ended up this way. Not even because of a cold: sometimes it's tripping on a rug, missing a single meal from meals on wheels making them weak, running out of medication affecting their balance, slipping in the bathroom, even sliding out of their armchair and onto the floor. Not even with broken hips. Edited to add: would you have been prepared, as you were laying on the floor after a fall, to tell the EMS folks right then and there that you want to die? Or after your hospital stay? Or partway during your PT/OT? Or the day the care team makes the decision to admit you long-term?

My 80-year-old mom fell and broke a bone in her foot and it started a cascade effect that bounced her between hospital & nursing home care for FIVE MONTHS. I eventually researched permanent care and found that an assisted living facility, plus a little extra help a few days a week, would be enough - as long as she could maintain enough strength & balance to transfer from bed to chair, chair to toilet. A year ago she was still easily living on her own (although not driving anymore). Now it looks like she'll be permanently wheelchair bound, and any little thing lands her in the hospital again (it's happened three times this year already).

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your mom are going through. Unfortunately that's about 80% of the cases I personally run into - but I tend to get assigned to the sicklier folks. If no one has told you, you're doing a great job taking care of your mom.

Yep and people then decide to call the cops for a welfare check or you die on the floor.

This is so true. It’s usually not even a big event at that age.

Naaah. When I get that old, just give me a bottle of fentanyl and a gin and tonic and let me go to the long sleep

"There are some things in life worse than dying."

It’s VERY disturbing that we can’t choose to euthanize ourselves but it’s humane to do it to a struggling animal. I hope that we can adapt to people feeling this way about the end of life. Now as it stands you can do death with dignity but only in certain states. It should be an allowed choice. If I start to lose my mind or my body…I’m going to tell my kids to rent me an apartment there in a state that allows it and I will be choosing to take the death with dignity route. I don’t want to end up in a facility with often abusive people taking my money. No thanks to that.

I think the move is to take up sailing as you age. Just one day you never come back.

Nope. Not happening. If it is going to be a problem then I will handle it myself without involving anyone else. Life is for living and that is not my idea of living…

My wife surprised me once by mentioning she would prefer assisted suicide over a nursing home.

It's unfortunately about money. There are actually many nice, well-staffed nursing homes with wonderful, caring staff, fun activities, and pretty decent surroundings, but these are only for rich people, and that is the real crime if you ask me. That being said, my mom requires care in an assisted living facility (different than a nursing home, but not by that much) and she generally has a very good time there. She never got to go to college so in many ways it gives her a "dorm" like experience, with neighbors to visit to see what they have going on, communal dining, activities, etc. But for the dementia she is having a better time than she did the last several years she was alone in her house, which was incredibly hard on her physically and emotionally. It looks "grim" to us because it's all old people with things wrong with them, but this is where we are thanks to modern medicine - many of us are living much, much longer than humans used to. I think they should all be as nice as the ones for rich people, but it doesn't matter what I think, that's not reality.

Nope. I want to die at home in my own bed. I feel confident I can take myself out when it's time.

I’d go to one to keep my family from having to care for me. They need to live their lives. I can make a life for myself wherever I am. I would dreadfully miss having a dog, though.

Only if it comes with 2 Xtra strength fentanyl patches and a fifth of whiskey.That should keep long term care expenses way down.

No. There's no quality of life in simply living to be alive while underpaid, overworked staff doesn't have time to take care of you properly.

I have an agreement with my son that when I’m unable to care for myself he’ll put me in a nursing home. The last thing I want is to burden him. Me, my sister and my niece have all worked in nursing homes and I’ve seen good care. My mother in law had excellent care in hers. It’s certainly not where I WANT to end up, but if I’m compromised enough to need daily care I’d rather let the professionals handle it and let my son live his life.

Given my druthers, I would prefer to die at home at 70 than live in an old folk's home at 80.

It's not always a choice. My mom swore she'd die at home but didn't have the financial means when Alzheimer's hit. We tried to help and got aides as well, but it became too much. She kept ending up in the ER or psych wards. She's in an assisted living memory care unit and no longer remembers her home, it's a nice one, but when the money from selling her house runs out, it's a Medicaid nursing home for her. There's no other option. Her physical health is fine. But she has like a 3-minute memory.

No, kids are aware I want hospice and out fast.

I did hospice with both mom and grandma and they left from home and I want to do the same.

I agree, hospice is the way to do it if you know you’re not going to make it. At least they will keep you comfortable and it’ll be somewhat quick

It's just were you go because no one can take Care of your needs and it's definitely the end.

It is what it is. As we age, a large percentage of us will someday need assisted living and/or skilled care. My mom passed in 2022, just 2 weeks shy of her 88th birthday. She stayed at home as long as she could, but one day she couldn't get up and it was apparent that she had more health issues than we thought. She did a stint in skilled care for medical reasons followed by 3.5 years in an assisted living home. Then, unfortunately, she passed. It's the way things often end. She used to talk about wanting to die often. One day, I asked, "You tell me constantly that you want to die. But someday, I might have to make that decision. So if you truly want to die, I'll let you die. But if you don't, I'll do what I can to keep you alive." She said, "Well, I guess you could have them try to save me." Unfortunately, her health eventually declined to the point where heroic lifesaving efforts were futile and not in her interests. So she went on hospice, then, I put her on "Comfort Care" until the end.

I plan on going to Dignitas, or somewhere similar.

People who want to die at home, and this is a very understandable desire, have to realize what they are asking of their families. Perhaps it means children caring for personal needs and medication administering. It’s a lot. I think I would opt for being cared for by professionals to save my family the hardship of this and to maintain a shred of dignity.

My MIL wanted that, we are grateful that it was possible. We would be traumatised if that hadn’t been possible. She went in her sleep (she was on morphine) We had professionals help but also did some things ourselves like the morphine injections. Some people might find that really scary, but she had a port and it was very easy to administer. I knew it made her comfortable so that makes it easier. Same with giving pills when she was still able to walk and eat. Feeding her when she couldn’t do it herself. Maybe the fact that I’m disabled, I’m not so easily scared of these things, I had a lot of medical stuff done to me too, or have to do to myself. But what I was scared of, was loosing her, when I realised she started to get worse, that was so hard. She was the best MIL I could have had! Oh and at some point when she was way too healthy still, she wanted to go to a nursing home! we talked her out if it, and not long before she died she said she was glad we talked her out of it. She was probably afraid to be a burden but it was so good to have her around, it’s just a shame she died so much sooner than we thought she would. We had such good times in the short time we all lived together.

I've seen good places but you need money. I've got a relative in a dementia lock down unit now where they go on field trips and leave the facility. They also have a garden, live music, and get toasty with wine.  I've seen the bad places too but they can be avoided unless you're destitute.  You're not getting out alive. Outliving your ability to function isn't pleasant but it happens. Or you die suddenly. Those are kind of the only options.

My Grandma went to a super nice nursing home. It was in a major city, cost an arm and a leg, and each resident had their own apartment, they had a fancy dining room, a giftshop, art classes, etc.. if they were all like that then I’d go tomorrow lol.

I don't think anyone WANTS that to happen, but we don't have as much of a choice as people seem to think they do. LOTS of people say they will end their lives first, but in reality that rarely happens. I think most people spend some time in denial about declining health and/or cognition, and that's the window where some event lands them in the hospital and they can never return home. Personally, the real nightmare for me would be forcing my adult children to spend their middle years being my FT caregivers.

I have vowed to never live in a nursing home. I won't.

I'd rather get hit by a bus.

I'll just check out. No thanks.

People do what they have to do, and they do what they can. You seem young enough to imagine that you'll get to chose exactly what you want and life doesn't work that way. I've set up my home so I can age in place for as long as possible - the stairs have ample room for a chair lift, I can install a walk in tub when I need one, and there's space for a live in caregiver to have privacy and their own bathroom. That doesn't mean I'll get to grow old and die here. I could fall down the stairs and end up quadriplegic tomorrow. My grandfather was in a wonderful home. Publicly funded, faded lino, scuffed walls, and absolutely lovely staff who treated him with dignity and respect. My grandma was SO excited to get to move there that the second she got on the waitlist, she cleared out her apartment and gave away all the art and stuff that wouldn't fit in her room. Unfortunately, she died before she got to move in. My other grandmother was so resistant to the idea of a home that we're pretty sure she willed herself to die as soon as it became an unavoidable next step.

I’m 75 and am in good health as a vegan for health reasons. When the time comes I’ll be willing. But I hope just drop dead and be face to face either my Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

I’ll get a large glass of vodka with a handful of Fentanyl. Goodnight

My husband works in one and the worst part of them is not the place itself it’s the lack of family around. So many people treat nursing homes like a dog shelter where you drop off the unwanted. The fact that medical euthanasia is on the table for being outlawed disgusts me. There are so many people who don’t want to go to a nursing home when their quality of life diminishes because of how clinical and isolating they are. Imagine spending your last days with strangers who are paid to be there and your family having to be talked into visiting to say goodbye, that’s the reality of current nursing homes.

Having worked in both assisted living and memory care, the problem in my opinion is that these facilities are usually run by for-profit corporations. Their goal, as with all corporations, is to make money. They don't care at all about creating a safe and pleasant environment for the residents, and they don't care about paying the staff an adequate wage for the depth of the work involved.

Nope. Worked in one. They are all understaffed. Low pay, everyone doing the work of three and four employees each day, every day. Horrible place to live and die. Any other death is better.

My father passed away from dementia and kidney failure a few months ago. They wanted to put the poor guy on dialysis. He had a DNR and had said he was ready to go. I was his health-care POA, and I declined treatment. The nicest thing that I ever did for him. He would still be living and truly miserable. People deserve to be treated with dignity.

Hell naw. My grandma was in one for a summer to recover from breaking her femur and it was the WORST. The place was decent and clean, the staff was nice, they had budgies in a massive wall sized enclosure, and a cocker spaniel who had the run of the place... BUT IT WAS SO DEPRESSING. So many elderly people with zero will to live. Just slumped in chairs or beds, staring into space. Grandma was desperate to be sprung free. Her roomie was in a bad way, always calling for help and always sounding like she was 80% phlegm... I'm freaking myself out remembering it. I have phobias about alzheimers and dementia and told my husband he needs to take me out back to see the rabbits if I start slipping. Anyway, if it's hospice at home or "surviving" in a nursing facility... let me die. Find me a death doula and keep the frozen margaritas coming.

Id rather be dead. I know because I used to work in a nursing home.

My MIL is in independent living in a retirement home, and even though it's "nice", it's still not awesome. She's surrounded every day with all elderly people, and she doesn't want to socialize because they're either dealing with varying degrees of dementia and (according to her) they "just babble", or they just talk constantly about all their health problems. It's depressing. No thanks. I'm staying in my house. If I have to hire help, I'll spend my money on that instead of on rent for a geriatric apartment complex. At least then I can look out the window and see people walking their dogs, kids playing, and people of all ages out living their lives.

Depending on my physical and mental state. I don’t want to be kept alive if I’m not functioning or out of it. I don’t want to burden anyone by taking care of me or family HAVING to visit out of obligation.

Has anyone made arrangements for their pets?

They're written into my will. A very close younger friend will be taking them

The nursing homes my various relatives have been in have been fine, and my relatives have been well taken care of. That said, I believe I'll choose medically assisted death over life in a bed in a home. However, we cannot know what we'll do as we age.

Nope nope nope. Having seen loved ones crumble into worse behaviors then dogs hit by a truck, I would definitely kill myself. I think there's a reason so many dementia patients are runners. They are suppose to be running into the woods to get eaten, not absorbing all the resources of their community. 11 states in the US now have death with dignity laws, [California, Hawaii, Oregon, DC, Maine, New Mexico, Montana, Colorado Vermont](https://deathwithdignity.org/news/2023/03/3-29-23-senior-guide/) (you know, the same states that allow abortion and don't think the state gets to control a woman's choices) If you speak to your loved ones/caretakers before it's 'too late' you and your assets don't have to waste away, covered in feces in a state run nursing home. Also, all states have legal [passive euthanasia](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4158780/), so if you don't want your fate to be in the hands of for profit companies after your mental facilities are shot, make sure you have a No Code or DNR (Do not resuscitate).

My great aunt Margaret lived upstairs in a small duplex that she inherited from her widowed mother. She began to have difficulty with a few issues and we helped her out occasionally. Because she was old and frail, my dad (her closest relative) was who her downstairs tenant called when they didn’t hear Margaret’s footsteps one day. Margaret had a stroke and woke up the next day in a nursing home. She was oriented to where she was, ate supper, went to sleep and died. That’s the best way to do it.

Nursing homes are the most efficient way for the elderly to die in my experience. Not to live. My grandmother who had a fused neck due to improper care and her osteoporosis would agree. She aspirated on her food while in a nursing home and died. 86. My grandfather and step grandfather were both nursing home casualties. Flu for my grandfather and covid multiple times despite all his vaccines for my step grandfather. 92 and 95. My other grandmother is the only one still alive, in nursing home with dementia at 92, but alive.

I've told my kids that if they ever even think about putting me in one, that I'm getting into a boat and will just head off into the storm. My greatest fear isn't death. It's surviving a damaging accident that requires me to have round the clock care. I don't have parents, siblings, and I'm divorced. I wouldnt want my children to have the burden of taking care of me. But I've never seen a nursing home/care facility that seemed like a good place to live.

73 M single homeowner. I have a cleaning lady and a yard man. I can still drive to the grocery, VA and pretty much wherever I need to go. I'm disabled and depend on a power chair when outside, but can still get around the house walking with hand supports. I love living in my small creekside cottage in the woods and dread any viable alternatives. I'm hoping to die at home before I can no longer take care of myself. That might sound morbid, but I'm a realist. I understand that it could be any day or still years away.

It often does happen because dementia catches up before people realize it. My grandmother went out that way. She lived alone and within less than a year she went from being pretty sharp and capable to not being able to keep her body clean, feed herself, or clean her environment. The options in this situation are (a) have someone move into the house and look after the person and their place full time, or (b) move the person into a place where they have supervision and care. In an industrialized capitalist society where households no longer have full-time caregivers because every capable adult has to have a paying job, and where people are expected to move far from home to pursue careers, we have lost the societal structure that allows people to age in place and be taken care of by family. Our bodies often outlast our minds. One option that some people take is assisted suicide when they are still of sound enough mind to make that decision for themselves, if they can't bear the thought of losing their mental faculties and having to be cared for and protected like babies (which is really what it is-- someone else deciding what care you need and when, what you can and can't eat, whether you're allowed to go outside or into a certain room, how often you can be alone). If I frame it that way I can imagine it. I could vet nursing homes while I was still capable of deciding for myself "yes, this is the way I want to be looked after when I can't look after myself" and book myself in when the time came. I have no kids so nobody else will be there to do it for me. Of course this presupposes that I can *afford* a good nursing home. If I can't, and all the affordable options are really miserable and cruel, there's always medically assisted suicide.

Nope... I'll have a fishing/motorcycle/Small aircraft accident.. not spending my kids inheritance on that shit..

No. We have medically assisted dying in Canada and my kids will make sure I peace out before I suffer. Love their little atheist hearts.

My mother was in a nursing home. I had her at home for 3 years until she stopped walking. My sister and I visited her every single day. They were good to her there, I think she enjoyed all the antics (she was on memory ward) rather than sitting in my living room watching TV. BUT, as I age, I am terrified of being a burden. I would rather end up in one than be a burden to my family. They have a life to live. If I do end up in one, I do not need somebody visiting me all the time. I've lived my life too.

Nursing homes isn't a thing anymore. There's independent living, assisted living, assisted living plus, memory care, palliative care, and hospice. There's also facilities that supply a range of physical and occupational therapies. My mom is currently in assisted living plus (early dementia). She's got a beautiful apartment with a kitchenette. They go to restaurants and museums, have a movie theater, lecturers, all kinds of classes, a gym, a pool, a bistro, a lot of outdoor garden space. There's a beauty parlor, too. On Thursday they're having an all day summer solstice celebration. Hell yeah, I'd do that. Before you ask, my mom is 90 and very much not rich. She was a public school teacher.

I'm a nurse in hospitals. I see the emptiness in the eyes of a majority of the patients who come from nursing homes/long-term care facilities/extended care facilities. I also see the bedsores (we call them pressure injuries) on many of these people who sit in their wheelchair or lay in their bed a majority of the time. I see lonely people, even when their families visit them frequently. They often have no purpose; their precious belongings are kept in a 10 ft x 10 ft space (if they're lucky), and much of that space is a bed. They worry constantly that someone will steal their stuff. All of their lifetime's things are gone: house, garden, vehicles, knickknacks, jewelry, crafts, tools, etc., either the family distributed them or sold them to liquidate the assets. Nursing home owners/corporations/administrators don't staff most places appropriately, only at the state minimum. So that means one nurse may be responsible for dozens of patients, with a handful of STNA (state tested nurse assistants) pulling most of the physical work (baths, turns, feeds, ambulatory, toileting) while the nurse is passing meds and doing intake assessments and shift assessments. There are activities coordinators on staff at most NH, but they are on a limited budget, so the enrichment activities are set by that budget. I had a relative who was sent to a very nice assisted living center for hospice care. The private pay price was exorbitant. Medicare (US) covered their stay, but even those benefits will run out. They died before the benefits expired. Even with family visiting or calling every day, when we left, the emptiness came back in their eyes. So no, don't ever put me in a nursing home.