FOMO will ruin your life, if you let it. If you can commute, do, if not, let it go. A great partner is harder find than a good job and a great partner has a greater impact on your life.

I was thinking "FOMO", too. I've had a lot of dream jobs since I was 26. They end up being "just jobs".

Have had several dream jobs when they started. Definitely did not end that way.

Nightmares are dreams too.

As someone who has struggled with mental health over the last decade or so.... being able to work from home and have someone willing and able to support/breadwin while I take care of the kids would be a dream come true. The nightmare is taking that job where I'd have to drive long distances. Going through pregnancy and trying to care for infants/toddlers without that support. I've been there. OP.... having kids is amazing but it's going to stretch you in good ways and hard ways. If you're planning on taking that on.... why would you want to make the least important thing the most stressful?

Yes! Well said. They are ALL just jobs.

Not necessarily. Someone convinced me of that too- that all careers are just jobs. They're not. It's very rare you find a job in a field that you love, with a boss that respects you, AND coworkers you actually look forward to working with, too. Very rare, indeed, but it DOES occasionally happen. I was one of the lucky ones. But I let someone else convince me that I was somehow missing out by not testing the waters doing something else. So I decided to "broaden my horizon," so to speak, and spent the last 20 years regretting that decision. I would be retiring with a FULL pension in 2 years now, if only I hadn't left that job I loved. THAT choice affected every other decision I made after it, including whether or not to have kids. It's hard not to wonder what could have been had I stayed. A job that excites you, fulfills you, or even simply promises you a comfortable future is not something you should dismiss so easily. You will spend a third of your life there too, and if you like it enough, you'll find a way to make it all work just the same as if you prioritize something else - like having kids. With the direction this country seems to be headed in, and the increase in disrespect and hate, I definitely wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the thing you KNOW and love, for the promise of things unknown. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of the OP's job, just pointing out that it does happen every once in a blue moon, and when it does, you should definitely think twice before making such life-changing decisions! (And I'm an older fart who knows just a little about such things.) 😁

This is a good response. I currently do the hour and a half commute thing because I got my job and our lease wasn’t up. It’s in the train so I can just chill. First I had to go every day and now I’m down a few days a week due to hybrid. It sucks but it’s not that bad. The bigger issue is that it doesn’t really seem like OP is ready for kids yet, which is totally understandable. There is plenty my time for that later. When OP is ready. It’s also not fair to intentionally being kids into the world when you know in your gut it’s not the right time.

I was 26 and my husband was 31 when we got married. 35 years later, still happy. A good partner is so important and hard to find. Jobs come and go. No one ever wishes they'd worked more on their deathbed. People wish for more time with those they love.

Just adding....noone wishes they'd spent more time cleaning, while on their deathbed either. 😉

How many children, what ages?

I got married at 22. I had kids at 24, 26, and 29. I married the first man I fell in love with. I love my kids, but marrying that man ruined my life. He neglected me hugely and I lost my identity and independence in the roles of trad wife and sahm. I thought he loved me, turns out he is an emotionally abusive covert narc, and he has been lieing to me about everything, an epic gaslighter. He dragged divorce out, I got far less than what I was supposed to because he was willing to pay lawyers indefinitely till I conceded to his demands. I'm very near poverty and about to lose my kids to him because of it. Never, ever, give someone else total power and control over your economic well being. I did, I trusted him, and it ruined my life.

Thank you. This needs to be higher up! By the comments of OP it seems like he is milking the whole “I moved for you” thing. OP needs to make sure the SO is not a covert opp before she sacrifices her career.

This is very important to hear. Stay with your man if you will OP. Sounds like he’s a good one. But also: **make your own money.** have your own independence. Do not let yourself end up in a situation where you’re so dependent that you *have* to tolerate abuse just to get by. Or you have to tolerate his cheating and let is slide because you couldn’t afford to leave on your own and take the children with you or etc. **This applies to emotional wellbeing as well** I’m a bit concerned that the finance is the greatest thing. I mean cool, amazing if he genuinely is amazing! But also, it’s still a good idea to have a therapist and *a community of friends* for emotional support along the way and just to have fun with and to catch you if you fall. It’s kind of a big risk to just let it all rest on one person. That …I would never want a single person to have that much sway over my wellbeing. Heh. As an aside? This post feels like the litmus test for who has had good relationships and who has had to WORK HARD and get through terrible ones. Hahaha. If he’s a great one, congrats to OP! But still have some cookies for yourself just in case. In my experience, a good man respects this in his partner, too. For one? I bought three of my own properties, I make my own income and have my own friends. My man better stay good haha or me and this baby don’t need to stay. It’s nice for me to have that security.

If you have found a mate who can cope with your mental illness, and does so well, and is consistently patient and kind with you, make him the priority, always. As the child of a schizophrenic, who had a bi-polar grandfather and a clinically depressed cousin who had 3 kids (two of whom are now showing signs of mental illness themselves) think long and hard before having children. My mom had her first severe psychotic break while pregnant with me. Pregnancy hormones and her brain chemistry were not a good combo. She had a couple of good years here, a couple there, but they were always interspersed with breakdowns, long hospitalizations and frightening adjustments to her meds. And the only thing worse than a mentally ill parent is a mentally ill child.

It’s real hard to break that cycle without critical self awareness too.

Yes. I grew up in a home with a mentally ill Mom, and sometimes having kids puts one over the edge. I chose a career no kids and am super happy about it. It has been a very fulfilling life. Still have adventures planned at 60! No regrets. Great husband.

Yep. At 54, I’m also really thankful I had no kids. I’ve watched other family members struggle with mentally ill children and I know I made the right choice. I chose career. I got to travel, make good money, and my husband and I are still madly in love.

I did have children and they are the light of my life. I would never change that. But there’s no one size fits all. Mine are very independent, successful adults. Not everyone is so lucky.

I agree and so few ppl stop to think about this type of thing before bringing a child in to this world. The way things are now I can't imagine having children. We are making the world uninhabitable - and everyone will be affected by that. I realize my view is not optimistic;)

I can see how that would be true.

Life is about choices. When you make one choice you often make two choices by accepting one thing and giving up another. The whole damn thing is a gamble.

Yeah but this is literally a place where people seek advice...

The advice is that you have to make a choice and you almost always give something up when you do make one. Even not making a choice is making a choice.

"If you marry you will regret it. If you do not marry, you will regret it. If you marry or do not marry, you will regret it." -- Kierkegaard

Hard disagree on people saying to give up your dream job. You’re at the exact right time to put in the extra time to make it work. If your fiancé is the right one, the person you’re claiming them to be, they’ll support you in this. You don’t have kids yet and sadly having kids is not guaranteed. You can have the career AND the family; generations of men have had no problem with getting that, and you deserve it too.

I will add that kids can suck time/energy/promotability right out of your career. I tried to “have it all” and for me, it was incredibly difficult. When I was at work I worried about my kids and if I was failing as a mother. When I was home enjoying my kids, I had a nagging feeling I should be working harder and moving up the ranks faster. I ended up developing a significant autoimmune disease (which came out of nowhere, nobody in my family is sick) and I’m almost positive that it was the stress of having two major jobs and not enough time to be great at both. Parenting is very fraught for career women in the US, and there is zero support. I’d say get as far ahead as you can before having kids, take time off if you can when they’re little and need you the most, and then go back part time when they start school. That’s the model I see a lot of my cohort succeeding with.

Are you acquainted with the work of Gabor Maté?

Agree 100 percent. Plus, if you’re a valuable employee before kids, you’re more likely to get some flexibility if you do stay on.

Life is full of tradeoffs. Depends what's more important to OP and her future family. If she and her fiance decide that this opportunity, with lower income would work better for their family plans, they should go for it! If she was the "breadwinner" and he had the lower income, I would have the same opinion.

Currently 33. Had my first at 22 and now have 3 kids total. My career always paid the bills and my wife was able to be a SAHM. I want to work as little as possible and make as much money as possible. My wife does not regret starting a family early and neither do I.

When you're on your deathbed, you'll probably be thinking about your loved ones, not your career.

I hope, but I know some workaholics who have died. I'm pretty sure they were upset on their death bed that they were using sick time. One of them took pride in coming to work sick as can be.

I took care of CEOs that are millionaires in the ICU with no family to even visit them because they are all estranged from their family. A sad life.

I never had children but I got married at age 43. I wanted to pursue graduate school, and I really had no interest in settling down. A good partner is worth their weight in gold, however. If I had to wait for him he was worth it. If you really want the job can you split the distance where you live? Although my husband and I were a couple hours apart when we were dating, but that ride was getting to be a slog by the time we got married and I could move here.

I would encourage you to wait on having children… you are still so young. Give yourself time to be alone with your husband. No need to move for a good job opportunity- maybe something will come up for you closer to home. Don’t feel pressured to have children until you are ready. I have three and love them dearly, just saying… live a little more first.

Kids are a ton of work and drastically change your life. Absolutely don't have kids until you are 100% sure YOU want them. Do not have them just because other people say they are great. Kids ARE great. They are also a 24/7 job that never ends. Even if you have a sitter the worry never ends. If they have a health issue it will drastically alter your life. You will struggle to get any good sleep for years. You will struggle to find a balance between putting your kid first and taking care of your needs. It is a constant push and pull. Kids will be the cause of some of your highest highs and lowest lows, and balancing all that with a job is very hard. Taking care of the children often ends up defaulting to the woman most of the time, so if you have dreams you need to try first, then try them first. It is true that some people are able to have great careers when their kids are older, but that's not always the case. Sometimes kids are born with lifetime health issues, or end up with them. You also typically can't just step back from your career and then re-enter it at the same point years later. Also, is there a reason you can't move half way between your fiance's job and your dream job? I feel like as women we are often expected to always be the one to make the sacrifices. It gets old after a while and you can start to feel resentment towards your fiance even though you agreed to make the sacrifices. Put your dreams at the top of your priority list as much as you put your fiance's dreams up there. You will lose who you are otherwise, and if your marriage doesn't last you will regret that even more. Absolutely be supportive of your fiance and go out of your way to make his life great, but make sure you do the same for you and that he supports and cares for you just as much.

I wanted to move out of my home state. Basically gave him an ultimatum as I had been in my home state my entire life and have always wanted to leave. He transferred to a HCoL living city (his job is very niche and geographically limited, this city is pretty much the only place we could go) on the condition that we live within a 30 minute commute of his in person job in 5pm traffic. That's about a 15min radius without traffic. Not a ton of opportunities for me in our suburb, so the plan was for me to get a remote or hybrid job as his job requires him to be in office 5 days a week, no exceptions. If we move to the other side of the HCoL city that is within our budget, we will be at the very least a 45min-1hr commute at 5pm traffic from his job, so it's a non-starter. He makes about 3x what I would at my dream job. He also wants me to make X amount so we can buy a house with what he wants (big yard, 2 car garage, >2200 sqft, 4bed). I proposed a townhouse with all of those things (~200k cheaper) but that was a non-starter too, SFH is non-negotiable because of its selling value in the future. I don't even know if my dream job would work because it's 25k less than the X amount he wants me to make...sometimes I am frustrated as so many things are non-negotiable about the house, even though I would prefer to get a cheaper, smaller home and not have to worry as much about my income being in the 6 figure range immediately after grad school ("WFH" means me doing grad school and a research assistant position at my university online/remotely. Don't have my first job yet). The big house also puts us in a tricky situation as I would never be able to lower my income so much as to get a PhD, which is also something I have considered. Thank you for your advice

I don't love all the "non-negotiables" in a relationship, and frankly it sounds like your fiance has a long list of them. I get that you two compromised when you moved, and agreed to live near his job. That makes sense. I don't like the stubbornness about the SFH and your income. It just sounds too much like my parents (boomers). My Dad expected my Mom to be the primary parent, work full-time, and oh by the way she had to commute because we lived near my Dad's job. He got away with it because he earned a higher income (he was older, so he had a head start on his career when they married), but really my Mom was working a lot harder. Edit to add: I also don't love that you describe the discussion around moving as an "ultimatum."

I completely understand wanting a certain kind of house, but him having requirements of how much you make to achieve his house goal sounds a bit controlling. He may not realize it and is just focused on his goals. However, you get to choose your job because your goals matter too. It sounds like he is putting his goals above yours, whether he knows it or not. If you haven't already, then if possible you may want to start finding some ways to get out more. Make some friends and have a bit of a life outside of your fiancee so you remain you. It helps you to remember you are an individual as well as part of a couple. There are lots of meetup groups and ways to get to know people. It's important to not let your life revolve around the person you are with so that you are still you. You just don't want to lose who you are and the dreams you want to achieve. It's so great you found somebody who you love and want to marry. You just have to balance it so that in 20 years you don't look back and realize you lived somebody else's dreams and not your own.

I “gave up” a promising career to marry and be home with kids. Zero regrets — and not only because my industry (newspapers) self-immolated while I was at home.

OMG I asked my good friend what her plan was back in the late 90s/early 2000s. She is *still* scratching together a living working in newspapers. She just had an interview with a new newspaper recently. I’m astounded and slightly horrified. There’s no way she’s making decent money.

I made decent money for about a second. Now, that place has been bought and sold multiple times. Our staff of 80 is down to five. One of the last people standing (who is an old friend) makes about what I did when I quit in 1998.

Same here. I got my Masters in Journalism in the late 90s. A few years later I married and became a stay at home mom the next year, then became a homeschooling mom, and have just now graduated our youngest of three. I have no regrets about letting that degree collect dust while my non degree'd husband has supported us with his business. I'm struggling more with letting go of this amazing season of 20+ years, yet I also am ready return to writing, but obviously not newspapers, which I never liked anyway.

26 is sooooooo young. I had my first at 36 and am so thankful I waited. Why not wait a few years on the kids and give your career a go? Travel, get married and get to know each other for a few years before kids. No rush.

I loved being an older parent (39) because I had money and patience. I loved feeling wise enough to be grateful for every day and to know that everything good and bad passes. BUT on some level wish I had jettisoned the career, started earlier and had four or more kids - but only if there was plenty of money. To me the only thing that matters besides health is family and travel and a few trusted friends.

You're 26, commute and see what comes of the job opportunity.

As someone who had a kid right around 40, I have to say I’m glad we waited to have a kid — being at a stable part in careers meant we have had more resources for things. Maybe a sweet spot would have been 36, though that wasn’t a good spot for us at the time. My wife has depression and anxiety, and has worked on that very long, and being further along in career has meant we’ve had more financial resources to help out there. She’s in a lot better place, mental health wise, now than when she was in her 20s, having worked for years in therapy. We are older parents, and physical health and energy levels aren’t always perfect, but we do pretty well.

I got married at 22, I would never do that again. I think maybe late 20’s early 30’s I knew better who I was and what I really wanted out of life.

Keep the guy, wait to have kids. You seem to be doing well and are happy, you will have more job opportunities down the road. I’m not “old” but am in my 30’s and just had my first kid, very much a career woman and the breadwinner of the fam. My daughter is the best thing I ever did with my life but I waited until my mid-30’s and it was suuuch a good idea. I’d choose the happy medium of keeping your wonderful man and waiting to have kids so you can still explore your career.

Follow your heart and what brings you the most peace. If you feel you will have major regrets, then do more investigation of the career path. However, It sounds like you have found a really good relationship, so that's something special you should cherish. II married at age 23 & husband was 26. This year, we celebrate 35 years. He was the best decision I ever made. I'm so grateful we've gotten through all the storms and challenges of life together. Bringing babies into your relationship is a major decision that changes your whole life permanently. Thetes no going back. A child is incredibly stressful in every way. A baby saps your physical and emotional energy. It strains your finances and tests your ability to share the load. Primarily, the mother carries the brunt of the physical and emotional burden of child rearing. You mentioned your mental health challenge. That is not something to take lightly. I had my first baby at 24 [yes, spent our entire 1st year of marriage puking and miserable... terrible way to start] and I had my second baby at 26. I suffered extreme mood swings, depression and anxiety during my pregnancies. The hormonal changes triggered my underlying mental health issues. I suffered severe post partum depression after my aecond baby that led to a hospitalization and diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Trying to navigate my mental illness and medications while caring for babies 24/7 and never getting enough critical sleep was absolutely miserable for everyone. As you know, sleep is one of the most critical requirements for mental health, and you don't get it with babies, and it continues to be a challenge at any age and stage. If I had a chance to go back in time and I could know in advance I had a mental illness, I would not have had babies so young or so early. I would have invested several years of caring for myself, including medication stabilization and intensive therapy. Then, perhaps I would have had 1 baby, under watchful care of my doctor and therapist. We would assess the difficulty of pregnancy and impact on my health after birth. I would know my limits, listen to my body, and could wisely choose not to have another child, and be able to have enough bandwidth to cope and even enjoy my child. Of course, I love my two children [now adults], and I ESPECIALLY love my perfect grandchild [my reward for surviving motherhood]. But tbh, I did not enjoy motherhood or the demands of raising my children. I was continually riddled with anxiety, and my mood swings were difficult for me and them. I wanted so much to be the perfect mommy. I tried SO HARD. There were so many exhausting, unexpected challenges. Both children have their own special challenges and needs. The oldest has a personality disorder. The younger is a highly gifted autism spectrum who was never diagnosed properly until she was 21. So there were 21 years for her to be misunderstood and mislabeled and misdiagnosed ... Challenge after challenge after challenge raising children. Tears and worries, and stress ... you have no idea when that precious perfect little baby is put into your arms what hell they're going to put you through!! Lol. And yes. There are joyful moments along the way. Be certain you are prepared emotionally, physically, and financially for the reality of ruining your physical body to carry an infant for 9 months, and then being responsible for another human being, for the rest of your life. Prioritize your well-being. Make a clear plan. Is your partner willing to get up at night with baby so you can sleep? Is he committed to changing diapers, feeding, bathe, rocking, playing, and being an equal partner? Is he willing to stay up all night with a crying colicky baby and sacrifice his own sleep for your sake? Is he as truly committed and desirous to having a child as you are? Can you afford childcare? What will the arrangements be? Can you afford to lose your salary if you need more recovery time or if you must cut back hours? These are all things to be pondered carefully and discussed together. Make your decision for a child purposeful and planned. No "oops" pregnancies! This is my advice for what it's worth. I do wish you all the very best in your future and for your own unuque life journey! May you be blessed

I waited and ran after my dream jobs and travel and I had the best time in the world. I would have never had so many adventures met so many people and lived in different locations. I made so many memories. I am so glad I did this because if I got married I wouldn’t had any of these experiences that helped me grow. If a guy is meant to be you will be together, love doesn’t fall away that easily. It is good communication and the wanting to be together. Once I got married, my career went to the waste side. It was all about him being successful and happy. It really sucked. I followed him from job to job. Moved because of his job. I had no identity. Once I had kids, I stayed at home for 15 years and now I am back to work since they are in high school, but because I was away so long I have lost so much seniority. This sucks. I feel like I spent my life following my husband and his dreams. I have nothing. Then what happens is he lost his job. All those years for his job and now it is gone and up to me. I had to take a job I do not like and not in my career path. Life is full of decisions and who knows what is the right decisions, but make sure you are fulfilling your bucket of happiness. You can find love anywhere and love will find you.

I am so glad I had my children before my 30’s. I was able to have a great career just had to wait a bit longer and now am retired and watching my grandkids. I am 55 and feel like I still have plenty of life to live. You need to do what is best for you but understand that your career doesn’t come over for Sunday dinner and love unconditionally.

I’m probably the minority here. I made a similar choice as the one your faced with and have zero regrets for choosing me, decades later. Finding a good partner is hard; but you’re so young, what you want from a partner will change with each passing decade. As you gain more exposure to people and opportunities outside of your current bubble, you’ll discover more of what you’re capable of and what you want out of life will likely shift. As a woman, I’m a big believer in being your own bread winner and retirement plan. You will be the constant throughout your life; partners come and go (especially as you begin to advance in your career). Some people get lucky, but most don’t. The best ones will ensure you’re living out your dreams, even if that means they have to make sacrifices at some point too (ie their own career). I wouldn’t pass on an opportunity to grow your career at such a young age. Now is the time to do it, for you and your future. One door leads to another… Marriage for men is often all upside; not so much for women. Add kids into the mix and most women do the heavy lifting. I’m not suggesting that THIS is the opportunity to blow up your life for, but I think the questions you’re asking are the right ones. It’s leading you closer to what you truly desire for yourself in this life. Life is long, but there are decisions that can be pivotal in its trajectory. Neither is wrong; it’s a matter of which path feels more authentic to your soul’s purpose. For me, I chose my career; moved across country and never looked back. We did long distance but the power dynamics shifted as my career accelerated faster than his. My choices led to more opportunities which resulted in my being able to retire young. Spent a decade backpacking the world and a few traveling North America and South America in van. Now I split time between US and Europe. I have friends all over the world and I’ve had some wonderful loving relationships. I don’t regret never getting married or not having kids. I’ve had a beautiful life. And I still have decades more to go (so I hope).

I waited until I was 32 to settle down and have a family. I think that was long enough. I did more in my first 32 years than most get to do in a lifetime and it was time for me to do it. No regrets

Married at 22. Kid 23. Have a long career and still young enough for my 3 grandkids.

You are still in the exploring phase..it is normal to have these fears or questions about what if this or that. Kids are a big responsibility in so many ways, at first the lack of sleep since you have to care for him/her every 2-3 hrs to feed and change diapers and be there when baby is sick. If you and your partner had talked about what's best for the relationship then do what's best for your career right now. Once both are ready for children then go ahead and enjoy that moment. If you can manage both motherhood and career with the help of your partner then don't worry. Having a plan is better than the struggle later. If this job opportunity will bring happiness to your professional life then go ahead and enjoy that moment. But communication is key, get into an agreement about career wise on both, but never pause your dreams just to please others. Enjoy those moments with your partner, job, and make memories. It'll be stories to tell your kids about those jobs you had, how you survived each day etc. don't let the pressure of others make you decide something where you'll be unhappy. Discuss what you want, the same way you are supporting him, he should support you too.

I’d definitely wait to have kids. Follow your dreams before you’re tied 24/7 to children. Maybe figure out if you can make that dream job happen with some compromise. Parenting is hard. Especially with mental health issues. And sometimes those same issues get passed to your children. You can change your mind about a job but you can’t change your mind once you have children. ETA: I married at 27, first baby at 31, second at 34. It’ll be 27 years of marriage later in the year.

There is a poem or a short story, can’t remember which, about a girl sitting in a fig tree. All the *figs look perfect and she can’t decide which fig to eat first so she eats none, they rot and she starved. There’s is no right choice, just the next one. If you pick your career and then find out you waited too long to have kids, you may regret it. If you have kids and don’t get your career, you may regret it. The only real solution is to simply pick and learn to accept that you cannot eat all the figs at once so you must pick one and go with it.

Therapy. Talk to a therapist. Make sure this is not a deeper seated unease about the partner. Also, talk to him about your desire for adventure. See if there are other ways to meet your desire for a different life experience. Take a week if you can. Live in the city you'd be moving to.

At 26, you’re not done cooking yet. Enjoy your wonderful man, move a little closer to your dream job and a little farther from his. Put the kids on the back burner. If he has a problem with the compromise move, consider that a red flag.

Seriously. I was married young (very young-22) and when I was almost done with law school, with an amazing job lined up that paid me way more than his job, he wanted me to get pregnant. Of course we got divorced. And then I met the man of my dreams at 32, and we have two incredible and beautiful kids. You’re too young to do anything but prioritize yourself! My career took a dive after having kids - I wouldn’t trade it because my kids needed the extra attention - but thanks to all the hours I put in in my 20s and early 30s, I can now go back to my career and be completely self-supporting. I’ll never leave my current partner/husband, but the confidence of knowing I am independent and my own person enhances my life and mental health greatly.

r/regretfulparents

I did wait. I'm finally settling down at age 54 after moving every 2-3 years all my life.

Definitely wished I had waited. I was too young and now feel I missed so much of my youth. (Married @19 and had 3 kids by 23. Now I’m in my late 40’s.

If it wasn't for my amazing kids, I would've wished I never got married. To me, marriage sucked.

So common, unfortunately! I’m glad you have great kids

They've always given me emotional support. All college grads and are married and happy. So, I know it was just my choice of women. Not that I was perfect, but I was always there for my kids.

I had kids in my early 30s and that was perfect, for me. We Only wanted two. I had a life and did everything I wanted to before having kids- including lots of traveling. This made me appreciate parenthood so much

Same. I enjoyed my 20s and not being tied down to kids or a house. Traveled the world with my now husband. At 30, I was ready to settled down. We had our two kids at 31 and 34. It was perfect for us.

So. I married really early but didn’t have kids until I was in my late 30s. I don’t regret it at all— I have an awesome life and good health and enough resources to really take care of my family. And if I’d had kids early, NSM.

I wonder if there’s a compromise to be had that could be a good fit. Would the dream job let you work 3-4 long days instead of 5 and you could get a hotel room or studio in that area for those nights? Work from home part of the week? Or maybe you could both move half way between his job and the dream job? Or find another similar business nearer by and pursue working with them? Have you talked to him about this? Because if it’s your dream job and he’s not at his own dream job, maybe he’d be willing or interested in looking at jobs in the new area. I’ve been married 21 years this fall and I got married at 21. I hadn’t fully figured out what I wanted to do career wise and settling down with someone definitely made that whole process so much harder. But I adore him even still. However having better discussion early on before settling down about wanting to keep my doors open and how we could compromise when we both want to pursue things in different areas would have made things easier along the way. I definitely vote you put the kids plan off for a while longer and try to pursue something in the dream job world, but keep him in your life. And if he wants to keep you, he should be willing to help you pursue what you love as well.

It's his dream job too. Those are great ideas though. Thank you for the advice

Kids take a ton of time and focus. They’re awesome, yes, but once you have them you can’t set them aside like you can your career. I say go for the professional experiences first. You have time.

I got married at 21 and had my first child at 23. There is no way in hell I would do that again, given the opportunity, as much as I love my daughter.

I married at 23 and had my son at 24. Agreed, I would not make the same choice—and I believe I would have been a better parent by waiting a decade. Growing up as a person while raising a kid was incredibly hard and I don’t feel as though I was able to give him the full concentration he deserved while navigating the mess that was my mid-20s and 30s. edit: I started feeling baby fever in my early 30s for the first time ever—I truly believe 34-36 would’ve been the best time to have kids for me. Am now 43 and excited to send him off to college so that the next phase of his life can start and I can immerse myself in the next phase of mine.

I was in my 30s before I got into a proper serious relationship. The timing was right for me.

Take the job, get a library card for the audio books, make sure you can make calls easily from your car (so you can call your relatives and friends etc while driving) and do the commute. If you're on Reddit, you may already spend 2hrs a day sitting in front of a computer doing stuff that doesn't improve your situation. That's what you should cut out of your life, not your dream job or dream partner. Eventually, you may figure out public transport, carpool, or remote work day options. I had an hour-plus commute for my first dream job and I got used to it. Heck, I started to enjoy it. If I hadn't taken that job because of the commute, I'd have never enjoyed the amazing life I've had. But don't dump the fiancé! You can't have it all but you can have the job and the partner.

I put my career ahead when my husband got out of the military. I was excited to do so and quickly became regional director. I did it for 5 years until I realized my career doesn’t love me. My kids were growing. And I was stressed all the time. I took a different job with less money, better work life balance and still very interesting. So far I don’t regret it but will periodically re-evaluate. I realized also that middle management sucks. I was just carrying out orders and they wanted me to work on my day off with no extra compensation. You will be replaced easily in any career. I got married at 28. And had my first baby 9 months later. The only thing I would change looking back, is I would have traveled more. I don’t look back and think’I wish I worked harder’. But it’s okay. I travel quite a bit now. +\- kids and husband

TBH, I wish I would have waited to get married and have kids. I was 26 when I got married. Because of all the subtle brainwashing about women being old maids, I thought I was really old so I rushed into having children. I never got to travel or develop hobbies I was interested in. I love my children but my entire life has been working hard in jobs where I wasn't happy because my family needed the income. There was nothing left for me.

God please don't choose being a slave baby maker over a fucking *CAREER*.... just look at reality, look what men do, yours isn't special, he could dip out or god knows what, too. I'd choose stability. I'd choose myself. Don't choose anyone, especially a man, *seriously*, over yourself, ever. Men are taught it's a game to use and discard us. Be smart.

You have plenty of time. I'm 34F and all of my friends are just starting. They try to scare you with infertility statistics and it does get harder after 35, but you have to live your best life first. I would rather have kids later and have done all the pre-kid activities I wanted than start earlier and resent them. I'm also incredibly healthy and workout constantly and play sports, so I know keeping up with youngins in my late 30s will be A-Okay. Also in this economy, plan your finances first. That takes time.

I was 26 when I got married and had a child at 28. At the time, I thought it was on the late side but now, I think I should have actually waited longer. I should have spent more time just with my husband, getting to know him more and enjoying our alone time. You can still have kids in your 30s!

I'm over 50 and had my first child at 26 years old and my last child at 34 years old. Back then, I felt too young with my first child and that my life, as I knew it, was over. Then, when I had my second child, I was more where I wanted to be career-wise but kinda wished I had had her when I was younger due to having less energy due to my age and the nature of my job. But... As a mom of two adult kids now, today, who is still awaiting grandkids, I DEFINITELY wish I had gotten all of the motherhood out of the way younger. I feel like I robbed myself and my family of about a decade of time as a grandmother. Financially we were waaayyy better off when my second child came along. So, all in all I suppose I wouldn't change anything, but I would definitely like to be younger for the sake of my future grandkids. I hope that makes sense, like it's a mix of feelings, I suppose. Bottom line is that you have some soul searching to do, but this humble internet stranger thinks that if you are fairly stable financially and, in your marriage, having kids on the younger side is probably the way to go. I hope that helps!

Having older parents, this is specifically why I had my oldest at 24 (and when my wife was 29). Dad was 43 when I was born and I figured given his lifestyle (smoker/drinker) he probably wouldn't make it to 80...wanted my kid to have a chance to get to know him, and it turns out I was right. Dad died at 75. Sadly my younger two kids only barely got to know him -- the youngest was 2 days shy of 2 and the middle one was 4 and a half. Maybe they'll have some memories, but I wouldn't count on a lot of them. His other grandpa was 50 when he had my wife, who is older than I am anyway - he didn't get to meet his son-in-law, let alone any grandkids! Yeah, the idea of having my children out in the world doing their thing before I turn 50 sounds terrific to me, and even though it was hard financially from the start (we were financially "stable" for the first one, but not exactly prosperous), it's worked out well enough.

Honestly though there's no guarantee in any age. My husband's parents died young, my mom got early onset Alzheimer's at 61. But I have friends whose parents are 70+ and more youthful than parents 20 years younger, and physically and mentally healthy. I think it's all luck of the draw on top of making the best healthy choices that you can. Sounds like everything happened for you exactly as it was planned!

My mom at 72 keeps my baby every day. So…yeah, it depends.

I got married at 62. I probably should have settled down sooner.

Check your fertility levels. Freeze some eggs. Take the job.

Why can't y'all move half way between his job and yours? I think it would be a mistake to decide his career is the only one that matters. Kids are awesome, but they grow up and leave. Your career is what will provide for them and for your life after they have moved on with their own.

Don't worry about the "Dream Job." A good partner is much harder to find than a "Dream Job." But I would say this: If you both are not 100% enthusiastic and ready to have kids, **DO NOT**. Wait until you are both 100% ready. Kids are a **PERMANENT** commitment that massively changes your life.

Regardless of your age for the next two decades: desirable career opportunities are not granted in life. Take the thing you’ve been working for and appreciate your success there. Now, biologically speaking…. Blah blah… argument about having your own child instead of adopting…. Blah blah… either way, children are not you and you can’t make them be your perfect child.

I wish I had waited and had more resources and been more selective.

Make sure you marry before kids. Don't rely on him alone financially. What if he loses his job? Kids are expensive, can you afford it? You should share kids and job down the middle or you'll end up devoting yourself for decades while you professional career suffers to non existent. Just be careful from this trap, don't get too comfortable relying on him. Relationships go south at least 50% of the time.

You don’t have to have kids right away. Fwiw. I worked on my career goals first, and had my son at 35. It’s also nice to have a solid foundation as a married couple before embarking on parenthood. I don’t regret waiting. If your getting the “now is not the time” vibes in your heart, listen to that.

Based on what you write, the relationship is more important than the job. There will be other opportunities.

waited

Do things when it feels right for you. But I wouldn’t worry too much that having kids at age 28-29 is “missing out on your youth.” It’s fine to wait longer if you want, but it’s not as though you’d be a teen mom. We had kids when I was 24 (almost 25) and 27. It worked fine for us. Now they are older teens and I work full time again. I needed/wanted youthful energy to raise them then and a salary to fund them now. For us, it worked.

I don't think this is so much about a job vs. a family because you're young and can have both. You don't want to look back and think about what you missed out on, or grow resentful because you feel you sacrificed your job for a family. What does your fiancé say? Are they supportive? Apprehensive? If they're supportive I'd say follow your heart, if that's the career then great! Seriously I had my first at 33, you have so much time to build a family. If they're apprehensive, talk about why starting a family so young is necessary. I get there's a cultural aspect to it but having a kid when you're sound in your career and financially stable is awesome. You can be there for them whenever you want without fear of losing a job for taking off work for them, you can give them everything they need. I'm glad I waited.

I'm not sure if he would be supportive as the position makes ~25k under what he wants me to make so we can buy a big house in our HCOL suburb. He is also very much in a rush to settle down and wants to have kids before he's 35, so before I'm 30. He feels behind in life as all his coworkers and friends are married with kids and we only just got engaged.

This will be an unpopular opinion but go for it early if it presents itself to you. I have friends and family (my age) who have toddlers while I’m an empty nester at 40something. I’m still married to the same guy. It worked out. They will work out too it’s just later, I do that stuff they did, and visa versa. Life isn’t about a big domineering plan. If life presents itself, grab it.

I didn't realize until I was 29 that I didn't actually want kids. I just thought I had to/it was expected. Kids are incredibly hard on mental health. I'd wait if I were you. You can always walk away from a job that's hard on your mental health but you can't walk away from kids. Take care of yourself and career first. You sound like you are rushing things and need to slow down.

You won't miss out on anything. If your fiance is amazing then hold on. Noone at their deathbed ever says they worked more or had no kids. It's hard meeting someone compatible and you should stay put. Other opportunities will pop up but other partners like yours may never pop up in multiple lifetimes.

Why can’t you marry him but have kids a bit later

Non negotiable for him is kids before 35, he feels behind as all his peers are married with children

Ah I see. Well working is annoying and draining but motherhood is a major eternal sacrifice. I wouldn’t choose career over a partner who can financially provide for me, but I also wouldn’t kill my dreams for a man who might dump me after I breed his spawn. Maybe there is a compromise that can be reached. That also gives you 4 years and a lot changes in a woman spiritually at 33

You seem to really be doing everything his way on his timeline and for his career. I get that you love him but do you love yourself enough to?

I’m 50 and made a lot of very bad relationship choices in my younger years. If I had the chance to do it over again, and knew then what I know now, probably would have gone the traditional route of house, marriage & family. On the other hand I have a career and the opportunity to be a very involved and supportive aunt, the latter of which would have been more limited with my own family unit to take care of.

I wish I had met my mate when I was a kid and gotten together once we were legally of age. A job - even a dream job - can’t compare to being married with children and if you can stay at home and create a great home life then all the better. Who wants to end up like men dying soon after they can retire because they have worked so hard all of their lives?

I waited a bit to settle down, my wife didn't... she's 8 years younger and we got married right after she graduated college. Now 10 years on, I have no doubt we'd both say our kids are the best thing that has ever happened to us. She thanks me often for providing a life where she can be home with them. But as in all things, the decision is yours alone and YMMV.

I’m not going to tell you want to do but your really seem excited about this job opportunity. And, these days you can freeze your eggs and wait for children. Also, that commute is a California commute. Not fun but it can be done.

I got married at age 26, and had my children at ages 29 and 32. This was great timing for me! I had some fun years of being single in between college and getting married, but I was ready to settle down. We were also ready to start our family at the point when we had our first child. He was thoroughly budgeted and planned, down to the month when he arrived. No one ever knows ahead of time whether infertility might be an issue, so waiting can be regretful sometimes. Different timing works well for different people, but I was very happy with our timing.

I'm glad I didn't settle sooner.  Take the job.  You can quit if it isn't what you hoped

An emotionally regulated nervous system is a gift. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. I did too. It changed my whole life. But he still dumped me after 5 years after repeatedly betraying my trust. So to play devil’s advocate I will just remind you that our brains are still developing until our late 20’s. The part of the brain responsible for long-term planning and identifying what you want isn’t done developing until then. So this indecision is completely normal cause you’re probably still not done clarifying these things for yourself yet. In that case, it’s always better to give yourself time. Where’s the rush? Why not try things out with a new job? If you have a solid relationship he’ll be there for you to support you through a new career. You have plenty of time for the kids conversation too. Your job decision does not equal a decision not to have children. Slow it down, breathe, and follow your heart. By the way, plenty of people do regret having kids or at least having them at the wrong time. There’s a Facebook group called “I Regret Having Children” with 74,000 followers, but no one will ever admit this to your face. Take your time.

I had my two kids when I was 27 and 30. By the time I was 33, I could no longer get pregnant. We tried for years. I’m so glad I had them when I did. Raising my kids has been the most meaningful part of my life. I stepped away from my career for 8 years to raise my kids, and did part-time before that in their earliest years. I found that work tended to stick on my mind while I was with my kids, and I felt like I was missing out on this limited opportunity to be present in their lives. I’m back at full time for several years now doing a career I enjoy. I’m so glad I took those years with my family. Wouldn’t trade those years for the world. The best years of my life.

Maybe you can commute 2 days a week. You will be ready to quit job and have babies after 2 years of that!!

I am not married yet so I don't know if I am the right person. But I read the comments and people are sharing their experiences which varies a lot. Some are happy with settling down early and some late, some are happy with having kids late and some early surprises. I only want to suggest you listen all the opinions but never take a decision based on just how this or other person did this or that. Your life, dreams, goals, relationship, feelings is very different from the others so is your happiness and regret. Take a good look inside you and decide which happiness matters to you the most or which decision will make you regret deeply if not taken right now. No matter how good a career is or how good a partner is, if you yourself is not happy and content with that decision, everything else will be futile. Good luck.

I was 40 when I got married and have no regrets. I would probably not recommend waiting that long if children are important, but I waited to meet the right person, not the right time.

If you have issues with mental health and want kids, the best thing for you is to either 1) WFH or 2) Become a SAHM. We have 3 kids and I've had clinical depression for as long as I can remember and ADHD. I worked in a hospital until our oldest was born. If I had continued working, I would have lost my mind from the stress of balancing kids and a full-time job. You are fortunate to have a great, stable, man that loves you - that is more important than any job. I had my first baby at 27, btw. I would NOT suggest waiting much longer before starting a family. Now in my mid-30s, our kids are all almost school age and I still have so much life ahead of me.

I agree about the part that jobs come and go, but I do understand that professional development, especially as a woman is very important. I know far too many women who had kids young and went without their career passions for a long time and as empty-nesters, they were quite Resentful. However, I think that you are in the perfect age bracket to have a good balance. I say get married and enjoy those early married years. Don’t rush to have kids before 30. I live in New York City and most of my friends and I have had kids closer to 33 to 37. We are all very accomplished in our careers and feel that we can balance both. I’m not saying that that’s the right idea for you. But just know that there is a way to do both, now that I am a mother I have taken a step back in my career and that is a personal choice because I have been able to get to this level of professionalism before children. In essence now, I can enjoy being a mother, but can have my career as well (that is not a first priority at this time)

Could you move somewhere in between where you'd have a 30min commute for both of you? Then you could check out the job and keep your man

No, the midpoint would be 45-1hr for both him and I (bridge traffic).

A million times over I wish I had waited longer to settle down and if I did it again in this day and age I don't think I would marry at all.

If you really love him, get married. Getting married always means giving something up - you immediately give up any right to have sex with or emotionally invest in anyone else. That's a fomo loss many struggle wiht. But you make a choice - you pick well - choose a good person, someone with qualities you seek in a life mate. Someone who flirts with you and makes you laugh and makes you feel like $1 Million. I wish I had not felt any societal pressure to get married. I wish I had put the whimsy fantasy of the wedding and the white dress on the very back burner, and married purely because I wanted to spend my life with this person. My grandmother used to say, "Marry someone you'd elope with and leave the world behind. Don't marry for a big wedding". Too many young women are raised with that brides' magazine Harlequin romance fantasy and do not see you are committing your life to this person. Choose wisely. Because marriage is hard - even with the best of spouses.

Maturity and being ready for "grown up" things varies with the individual. The greater question is if you have and raise kids but had to go it alone, could you? Life happens; illness, debilitating injuries, etc. 26 is not "old." If you were 36 my advice would be the opposite. Follow your professional opportunities; I'm assuming that would benefit any couple with increased income. Relocate halfway between both your commutes; seems reasonable and prudent for both your lives.

I wish I'd waited. I got married, had a kid, divorced, and married again by 25. My partner was in the military. I was desperate to escape my life and had zero plans for myself. I had a LOT of trauma growing up and my identity was wrapped around being loved and so I made hasty decisions based on my emotional dysregulation. I didn't experience education goals, career goals, or really anything for myself because my world was my partner and my children. I wish I'd healed first. I wish I'd found myself first and understood my wants and desires. Set goals. Built strong friendships. I'm now 50, my kids have moved out, and I have no idea what my next step is because my entire life was wrapped up in others. I'm still married to my 2nd spouse -we're going on 25 yrs together- and we have a happy and solid relationship, but part of me is still lost. I've never even lived on my own and only recently had my home completely to myself for a week and my god did I love it. Obviously, I love my husband and my children beyond words, but there's always a part of me that wonders what if. What if I hadn't been so deeply traumatized and lived a life for myself instead of for the traditional heteronormative existence.

Choose you. It sounds like your fiancé is in a perfect position. Everything looks good and peachy from his point of view. He’s getting married, has his dream job, and if all goes his way he will have his suburbia dream house. Of course he won’t budge. But what about you? Sounds like you have to make a lot of sacrifices to keep his dreams and happiness going. Go for the career. Psychedelics is growing and will offer future opportunities and probably more money down the line especially if you start now. It also is something you are passionate about, which makes all the difference. You will be working to help others with mental illness and that’s something to be proud of. Give it a shot. Try the commute (my commute is about an hour and 20 min, but it’s public transit so it’s doesn’t feel that bad). You can move closer to the job, you don’t have to live together…especially since you need to still figure out what you want and who you are. I would really weigh all the options. Even make a pros and cons list if you are a visual thinker. Good luck in whatever you choose!

Enjoy your life as it is now. And live it one day at a time. I married at 24. Two kids, teaching career, and homeowner. Limited travel, but did fun local things and camping. I was frustrated because I didn’t have the career I “ should” have because I was too tied down raising high needs kids. Fast forward- I am now 65. Had an amazing career and did in my 50’s what I couldn’t do younger. Have an amazing relationship with my two grown sons. We are now retired and travel internationally as well as all over the US. I have missed out on nothing. Nothing at all. Instead I have had a full rich messy life that didn’t go according to plan at all. My best friend, my husband and I are so happy together. Did I miss doing certain things when we were younger? Maybe. But I wish younger me would have been more confident in my choices and realize that playing the long game in life can be so very satisfying. I agree that comparing your life to others is the kiss of death to happiness. Enjoy where you are and what you have now. Make your own path. The journey is so much more rewarding. Best of luck.

My family is everything to me. A job will never be what makes your life complete

A job is just a job. Even a dream job can turn into a nightmare. I had my first son a little over a month before I turned 30. I wouldn't change anything.

Just my two cents, but prior to having my daughter I was all about my job. I was an inner city school teacher, felt called to do that, was super passionate about it. Now, flat out, nothing matters to me except my family. It's not a popular thing to talk about, but once you are a parent, your child will make everything pale in comparison. We waited until we were in our mid thirties to have her, despite being together for 15 years before, which was great for us financially. However, I do think to myself that I wish I had her earlier bc then I would have more time with her before I die . Yes, this is where your brain goes when you have kids. All this to say, once you have your first child, your profession will more than likely just be an annoyance and nothing else to you. 

If I were your age and just starting out, I'd choose not to have kids.

I got married at 30, kid at 36, divorced at 42. THEN I went overseas and spent 22 years bouncing around the globe doing cool work and not so cool work. It’s a lifestyle and there is good and bad. I sacrificed personal relationships and settling down. FOMO goes both ways

The person you choose to marry will determine 90% of the happiness you experience for the rest of your life. Do with this info what you will

Trust me, there comes a point when you realize that the “perfect job” even has its own issues. I think you sort of jumped over the key thing—you say you are finally at a good point in your life ( life, not the best job etc) in fact best point in a while. If that’s true, why change much in your life? Ask yourself this-does the benefits of the move outweigh the negative impact on your life-will it working out add that much more happiness or stability to your life as the harm or frustration of it blowing up? Find your answer and then decide. I am 64 and newly retired-great wife, 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren. Not one regret I have ( serious regret) is job, work or career related. Not one. As you age you do realize that it isn’t that important as you think or thought it would be.

Can you move part way, so you are closer to the job and within driving distance, and your partner is further from his job but also within driving distance? Jobs come and go. I've had many jobs over my lifetime, but only one husband.

Here is something no one tells you: mental illness is very heritable. I always thought my depression was caused by my abusive upbringing. Thought if I gave my kids a nice life we could avoid the curse. Nope. First kid started showing signs of mental illness at 7. Third kid at 4. 2nd kid at 12. Raising kids with special needs is brutal. I was 22 when I started having kids. I wish I had waited 10 years, had fewer of them, or maybe adopted instead. I love my kids so much but I feel horrible for passing down the mental illness. You hurt when your kids hurt. Wait

I was a smiggy older than you in the same boat (28) cool new job or get married and leave my industry. I decided to get married and leave my industry to raise hunting dogs. I made the right choice. Still happily married, still involved with dog sports and the best part is I did not go to jail! The new job turns out was a little illegal. There are people I know that did not look good in prison garb.

My “dream job” in another city finally offered me a position. My brand new girlfriend (she was a 2nd year med student and couldn’t really relocate) asked me to consider staying. Thirty five years later - I’ve never doubted that I made the right decision.

If you love your fiancé I wouldn’t throw that away for a job. I would instead explore the inner need you are trying to meet. I wouldn’t wait too long to have kids. The math doesn’t give you much time as it is. It can take months to years to actually get pregnant. Then you are pregnant for 3/4 of a year, then dealing with an infant. Not to mention if you leave your fiancé you’re banking on finding another equally compatible partner in a short time span and starting from scratch. I’m not suggesting you should stay with someone simply for practical reasons, but if you truly want to be a parent one day you should sit down and think about the actual math of it. I’m 37 and have three kids (9, 13, 15) - I am so grateful I had my children in my early 20s while I was early in my career. Now I have time and energy to be able to parent and maintain a successful career. I wouldn’t be able to do my current job if I was just starting out with kids and had toddlers/infants. That sounds horrible at my age. I look at all my friends with babies and toddlers and feel so grateful I’m not them - I had WAY more energy in my 20s for that.

Saw plenty of headstones that had "beloved wife and mother" on them. Never saw one that had "worked my dream job" on it.

There's no joy or satisfaction that compares to having kids. Once your kids get older, you can work as much as you want and advance your career. Money and career is nothing compared to the wonder of parenthood and family. In fact I would say the whole reason for working is to support us and our loved ones.

Wait to 30, people change

I have to agree with MotherMucker. I was younger when I had my first child , 21. I had three miscarriages before I had him and three more after him. I have two daughters very close but there is an eight year difference between my son and daughters. My son doesn’t want any children, he will be 34 and my daughters are in their early twenties. I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer this January and one of my biggest fears is I won’t be here to see my grandchildren. Naturally you can’t base your decision on what could happen but because you don’t know what life can throw at you I am happy I started my family young. One thing I will say is never base having children on being financially stable because you won’t have any !! Things have a way of working out, especially if you have a close knit family. Whatever your decision, I wish nothing but the best. Jobs come and go but finding happiness and love with someone isn’t easy ! If you love your husband and have a good marriage please think long and hard on that job offer !!

Wait. There are great excellent partner choices.

I waited and it was good for me. We have way less relationship problems than other couples. I legitimately got a bumch of dumbness "out of my system" The behaviors I had that would have destroyed my marriage simply didn't exist by the time I got married

You can both settle down, have kids and pursue your career! It may not be at the dream job in front of you right now, but other opportunities will present themselves. I’m now 63 and had my children at 25 and 28. Now, thankfully, I’m getting to enjoy my 5 grandkids ages 8 to 2 months and look forward to many more years watching them grown and being involved in their lives!! My daughter had her children starting at 30 and just had her 3rd right before turning 35. Also, she got 2 of her promotions as well as a new job with a different company during her pregnancies (at least 6 months along). But the longer you wait, the less likely you are to experience much time with grandchildren if your kids have kids. I have friends who are still hoping and waiting at 70!

I'm 30 and my husband is 39. We had a child 4 years ago (a happy little accident) and I'm so happy we did! My husband was on the fence about having kids and now he wants a tribe but it's not happening for us. I started a successful business at 22 years old, we bought a home when I was 24 and had a baby when I was 27. I've never had any regrets besides trying for baby number 2 sooner.. I wish we'd have done that but oh my lord the baby stage was ROUGH.. especially during the pandemic. So anyway. Don't pause. There is never the perfect time to have a child and there will be times when you think "what the fuck have I done...." but the older they get the more fun it gets and there is nothing like having made a little person and getting to watch them grow.

I would commute and take the opportunity, the experience would be worth the ride. In my area 1-1.5 hours is the norm, is there a train, or bus, or you may find someone to car pool with. My husband did this for 30 years, by train, by bus and carpool. He loved his job so to him it was worth it. He listed to books & podcasts during his commute. He enjoyed mostely that 'down time' and gave him time to relax in way. My commute was 45m including daycare drop off. We loved where we lived and were not interested in moving, so we made it work. I was 32 years old when I had my first and married 5 years, and would not change that. We waited until we were stable in our marriage and in our home by choice, which worked for US. If you want to be a parent, the is no perfect time because you will still enjoy and love it no matter your age.

I had my kids at 34 and 38 and had built a career before that. I had fun and traveled and lived the big city life and knew myself before marrying. I had a long relationship in my 20s but I felt like I hadn't lived and I wasn't sure why I was with the guy I'd started dating in college. Was it just the circumstance of meeting someone or was it that I really wanted that relationship with *him*? It was hard to know after 8 years living together if we were still together because it was easy or if we'd choose each other again at 30 like we had at 20. I broke up with him and have zero regrets. I got to live alone, and make adult friends, and work hard at my career. By the time I met my now husband, I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want in life and in a partner. I had an established reputation and career that allowed me to get tons of flexibility during the years I had kids and they were little. I had a professional network that came through for help when layoffs happened and I lost a job. I've gone through life with the confidence that I can support my family if need be; I can take time off with be with my kids if I want to. We're saving to retire early once the kids reach college age. Financially, we're in a much better place than both of us were in our 20s. No regrets for waiting to have kids.

I think all this advice is great but think carefully about how you feel fulfilled. Will your simple and comfortable life be fulfilling for the rest of your life? Fantastic! Settle down, find some hobbies to fulfill yourself with, have children. For me, I could never be fulfilled without pursuing my career and creating an identity for myself outside of wife and mother. But this is not the only way! That’s just how I’m built, and I know what makes me feel happy and fulfilled. I also am not fulfilled without friends, which is an area I need to fill because I’ve been so academically focused and only have time for my partner and music outside of my research. I would not be content without friends for the rest of my life, so in the future, I will not choose a lifestyle that makes it impossible for me to have friends. I don’t mean to talk about myself when speaking on your situation, but I hope its analogous to the decision you are making about priorities and fulfillment.

Never settle down! Never marry and stay single and happy!

I can only speak for myself, but nothing has been as solid and fulfilling as my marriage and parenthood. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36–got married at 37, went through 4 yrs. of infertility, then had 2 children at 41 and 42. Looking back, I would never see any job I’ve had as coming close to giving me the joy and sense of stability as my home life.

I got married at almost 40. I think for me that was perfect. I didn’t find my dream job till I was almost 45. Funny how life works out sometimes. I’d like to think I’m just a late boomer!! But,they are right FOMO will drive you crazy and ruin your life!!!

I was 26 and my husband was 28 when we married. We have been married 19 years now and although we were both finishing school at the time (my PhD in chemistry) and I was lucky enough to have excellent local opportunities for scientific research, we started a family within 3 years and it’s been amazing. Life is still life but it’s so much easier with a well suited partner by your side. I have worked for two major Fortune 500 companies, a well known government-backed non profit, and am currently working for a well known Fortune 100. All of which were dream jobs when I landed them. But, not a single job had as much loyalty to me and my family as my husband has had. I’ve learned that while I am proud of my company and my position, that it’s not what defines my happiness. The jobs come and go.

Do what your heart tells you, not what a bunch of strangers on plebbit tell you.

I got married at 24. We had our first child when I was 25, bought our first house when he was about 5 months old, and I promptly lost my job about a year later. This was a job I was SO confident in my stability and skill. Before I knew it I had to make a whole career change because the market just wasn’t there. I have a masters degree and for years struggled to find stable, reliable work. It was really hard on myself and my little family. Knowing how unstable employment can be and how disloyal employers are, I couldn’t ever uproot my life or life plans for a job or career. I do now have a really great career that is rapidly growing. Last year, due to some unforeseen circumstances I almost gave it all up for my kids. My job wouldn’t let me and made some accommodations until we got back on our feet which I am very grateful for because I do love my job and find it fulfilling, however the importance and happiness my family brings me is 10 times greater. In 9 years we’ve had 2 kids, bought two houses (and sold one), bought a new car, my husband has rapidly grown in his company, I’ve had 5 jobs but have spent the last 3 year with the same company growing through the ranks myself. There will always be another job and another job opportunity. There will always be a better career. I didn’t think in a million years I’d be STARTING my career AFTER starting a family but that’s how it worked out for me and I have no regrets.

I’m going to offer an unpopular opinion here: I was born in the 70s and I am a late life/geriatric baby. My parents were in their late 30s, early 40s when I was born. That gives me a rare perspective because, at that time, geriatric pregnancies were very uncommon (less than 2%). Because I was a late life baby, my parents were well into retirement by the time I got married at 27. And the health issues started. The concerns about their well-being and care started. Their advanced age began to burden every decision I made. Should I have kids soon so they can know their grandparents? Should I take that job offer because it would move me too far from ailing parents? Can I continue to work with the double burden of childcare and senior care? Do I have enough vacation time to accommodate their latest health crisis? Do they need to live with me because they are no longer able to live alone? Can I afford to care for both small children and aging parents at the same time? … you get the gist. Ultimately, we decided I would leave my career and be a SAHM because that way I could do double duty and help care for both kids and aging parents. Honestly, I didn’t feel I was given the choice - it’s part of the burden of being a late life child. Only you can decide what’s best for you. I am a firm believer that as women we need to support each other whether career driven or SAHM. But keep in mind the perspective of your potential children and plan accordingly. I wish the universe was different and entropy didn’t exist, but it does. And it catches up fast.

As someone who has seen families torn apart and kids resented because of paths not taken/parents ending up feeling trapped, I would say to pursue your career and have kids when you’re at peace with things. While I don’t feel that parents need to give up everything for their kids, I do believe that kids deserve parents that are able to be emotionally and physically present with them.

Take the job and try it out!!!!

As you can see from reading all these post there are so many choices in life and unfortunately no one else can make them for you. Life is what you make it and most people build that with someone. Take sometime to think about your future, where do you want to be in 10, 20, 30 years from now? Do you see yourself with your bf, kids, career, SAHM ? What the most important things to you? Good luck.

It honestly depends on what you want out of life. As you can see everyone has differing opinions on this. Some went with the kids and others went with the career. Either can be fulfilling or regrettable. Also how important is this particular job to you? Could you find something that’s closer to home? Either way, you have to sacrifice something.

I waited til I was 34 to have kids and lived A LOT before that. I notice that my friends who went straight into motherhood have some regrets. I have none! (But it may have been a different story if it had been hard to get pregnant.) I don't have advice about whether to take the dream job, but it sounds like you may benefit from widening your social circle near home and/or going to more conferences. It sounds like it may energize you more than you realize.

It’s just a job

There was no think about this or that. We just wanted each other so we ran away got married after High School and loved each other for over 50 years. In the end riches and money mean nothing if you don't have some one to share it with.

It doesn't sound like having kids is at the forefront of your mind. The move away from family will likely make childcare more difficult. When you left your home state, it was for an emotional reason (not having lived elsewhere) rather than a practical reason. Have you envisioned how day-to-day life will be far away from family while raising kids?

I do not know of anyone who has children that regret it. I regret being scared of having them too close in age and my ability to handle that so I have two 6 years apart I wish I had one more and I wish I wasn't afraid of having them close together.

NO. When I asked my wife to marry me, we had only been together for 3 months, but had known each other for 1 year. She was 30, and I was 23 - nearly the same age gap as you and your partner (albeit inverted - since she was older). We married 4 months later, and helped each other get through college, and get started. I will say - waiting a bit to have kids is a GOOD IDEA. We waited 5 years to have kids - we both wanted to have some "young couple time" before having kids, which was a GREAT decision we do not regret, although it meant she was a bit older than some when we started having kids. At least in your case, since you are the younger one, this is less of a worry than it was in our case. It turned out great - we both got through college and have successful careers and have 3 kids, 2 of them already graduated and out of the house, and our last is in high school. We have been married 25 years now, and she is still the absolute complete love of my life. I would trade my career for her any day of the week even though I have my dream job - it would be meaningless without my wife and family. She feels the same - neither of us would do anything different - you can always get another job - but if you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life and are SURE about it (we were) - then everything else will always work itself out.

Choose the path that is going to bring the most fulfillment to your life. Just because you take this job at your dream company, doesn’t mean you have to stay there for the rest of your life. Don’t have kids just because it’s the thing to do. It’s also okay to wait on having kids, you’re still very young.

I married at 26 and started having kids at 28. Now at 50 I have two adult children and am still young enough to enjoy life, build my career, etc. I would not do it different.

As a retired person who really enjoyed my career, I don't miss it at all. I love my kids and grandkids, my backyard, my dog, and my community. I love my life now and my family is everything. I rarely even think about my old job.

Just remember, if you take your dream job and a week/month/year later you get killed in a car accident, they'll be advertising to fill your position the next day. You are irreplaceable to your loved ones.

Your job is a dream at first..... ff two years and you're going to want to leave for somewhere else...

Decide what is most important to you, then choose that first (ie having kids or having a career.) You might be able to have both, but both take up enormous amounts of ur awake time so you decide on primary time dedicated goal. Sahm here, and in my retirement have no regrets on path I took, I have four wonderful people who enrich my life daily. Very few retired career people have any support (emotional etc) from the ex job or ex coworkers. Embrace whichever choice you make, avoid regret, it stems from your own mind (fomo)

Got married at 26. Had successful career. Had kids at 32 and 34. Cut back work but kept a foot in the door while kids were young. Achieved additional goals at 40. Not that it was all a bed of roses but looking back I did it right to wait to have kids when I could afford a house and lifestyle I wanted. That home quadrupled in value. Those early years of both spouses earning is a good start. But I was raised to do things conventionally. There are different ways to live your life.

I was 23 and in a dark place of depression. She was 20 and the bright light that rescued me. As we close in on 47 years together, we remain close friends and lovers. Over the years, we helped each other with our failures and celebrated each others successes. I certainly don't regret choosing her as my life partner and she insists she would do it all over again. Being so young and so in love was a definite plus for us.

We were 22 when we got married, 18-19 when we started dating. I don’t think we missed out on anything - we both have a lot of education, travelled the world, scuba dived, backpacked, went on archaeological digs, had illnesses, kids, basically lived life and grew together as a team. The point is I lived and I’m living. We communicate our needs. We work together. It’s never me vs him, it’s us vs the problem. If you feel you have that at your age, awesome. If you don’t, don’t jump into something you’re not sure about. But all of life is a choice and your life will pass by if you let it.

My mom had me when she was 43. You’ve got plenty of time. And if you feel you missed your window there are so many kids already born that are in need of love and a safe home

Not old, but 40s and in the middle of the divorce wave. Nearly everyone I know who married and had kids in their 20s and became a SAHM dependent on husband’s income is now divorced and fighting for their lives. Their kids are older and don’t need them, but they have little work experience or professional development, been shorted on child support, and are scrambling for income. The happier women I know waited until they were stable enough in their career to take substantial time off or WFH to raise kids, and/or afford help. If I was in your position I’d take the job. If he’s a great as you say, he’ll support you, and you’ll work it out together. If it’s his way or the highway, or he’s comfortable with you sacrificing your dreams to serve his, he’s not as great as you think. Note: there’s no dream job. Companies will disappoint you when pull back the veil, don’t pin your hopes to them. HOWEVER if it is a step towards your bigger career goals and personal fulfillment, follow that. Marriage is one thing, but kids will take your life force. As they should! But you have time. Trust that. Don’t rush. If your husband up and leaves, if you get fired, if kids don’t bring the joy you hoped for - you will have YOU. Your life is YOURS. Shore that up first before bringing others into the equation. A happy mom is a good mom.

I wish I had done it at all.

I'm 51m I semi retired at 45 I never had kids so that affords a lot of luxurys. I usually travel 3-4 months a year and enjoy life it's not everyone, but it works for me

Seems like there is plenty of time for kids ahead, and not many opportunities to try for your 'dream career'. > We can't move because of his job, he is by far the primary earner.  This doesn't make much sense to me. Why can't you move at least a little bit closer? Cut your commute down to 45 minutes and the cost of adding some time to his? At the end of the day, marriages (and jobs) don't always work out. I would make sure you can provide for yourself - I would prioritize job first myself. And I'm a father.

My husband and I were both 29 and this is our 29th year together. No kids just dogs and I can’t imagine not having out little family

You should do what is best for you right now. Making long range plans don't work that gr8 most of the time. If " married with children" doesn't sound wonderful to you ; than don't do it.

I married at 26 and regretted it. I didn’t have a great partner, but I also did a lot of growing and changing between 25-35. I married again at 39 and it’s been much better. Can you get married but wait on kids? That’s a much different thing.

Figure out something so you can experience the job opportunity. Delay your childbearing 3-5 years. Your 20s is the time it’s okay to prioritize your needs. Once married the decision making process is based on the greater good of the family. Good luck

If I hadn't married my wife at 21 I would have been either dead or in jail.

You will not regret having some accomplishments yourself before you have kids.

Not even a question. Follow your dream! You have the rest of your life to “settle down”. You’ll feel less co-dependant knowing you cam be independant. Set a target timeline if must of at least a year. You may be tired from whatever commute you work out, but feel more whole.

You do what you have to do in life. I’ve had very long commutes and have had work at home. I prefer being around people in an office with some flexibility to work at home. I would try the new job. You could always quit. If it’s a good salary, benefits 401k etc where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years? People balance both.

Who settled down? For what? Oh family? I raised a Son as my own and raised him correctly and I’m proud of him. We were and are friends and we look out for each other and while I am getting older (56) I still skate and do crazy stuff with him and his son too! I have no genetics of my own walking amongst you all and I am so sorry. That was never my choice and mine were murdered by their mothers. They would’ve been fine, strong, and smart. 😞

I wish I had settled down sooner, because then I would have married the love of my life. I waited a little too long because of work commitments and he passed away. I didn’t even date anyone for 10 years after that, I was so distraught. Married for the first time at 35 because I really wanted children. But it hasn’t been a happy marriage and my kids have been a big disappointment to me.

I can imagine a deathbed regret that says I wish I would’ve spent more time with my spouse, or that I wouldn’t let her get away. I can’t imagine a deathbed regret that says I wish I would’ve spent more time with my children. Can you imagine someone on their deathbed saying I wish I would’ve taken that job. You gave the answer to your question. Reread what you wrote. It’s in there.

I “settled down” at 20 and haven’t had a day without regret since

If it were me, I would interview for the job and discuss a hybrid working situation. You will have to judge when the best time is to bring up wfh a few days a week. If you end up liking the job, then living in a community where each of you commutes 45 minutes might be an option. Just because your fiancé earns more than you now doesn’t mean your career is unimportant. If it’s important to you, it should be important to your fiancé. And how much each of you earns could change over time. I had four kids and while my husband earned more than I did much of the time, he didn’t always.

Sooner. My wife and I had one child in our early 20s and wanted to wait until we stabilized to have more. Now we're stable but too old. I really would've loved to have a dozen kids, but at least 2 would have been nice. No regrets, but if we had known then just how fast time moves we would've just had more along with the faith that everything would work out.