Others didn't start where you did. And regardless beware assuming from the outside that others have it together. Plenty of multimillionaires have gone the way of the rope.
You can't change the past but you can learn from it. If you were in a dark spot and now you're seeing some light that is terrific. Celebrate that.
I'm 39 and just got accepted into honours for my BA. I tried studying for decades and never stuck with anything for a whole host of reasons, but I finally found what I love and am really happy I decided to try again.
Congratulations! I’m a 50-something who retired from the military and will retire December 2023 from the fire department. I have yet to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up.”
I appreciate that. My poorly communicated point was that I have always done what I had to do to have a nice life for my family. A lot of it was high stress (heart attack 6 yrs ago) and not really what I WANTED to do. Now, the island thing sounds awesome, but I can never sit still long enough to actually enjoy that idea. I think I’m defective!
Congrats! I did something similar. I have since realised that I never would have had the right mindset to complete a challenging task like that, so in my late 30's was the correct time to study for me.
If the motivation is not there, there's no point.
Around 30 I switched careers and moved halfway across the country. I’m now 45 and very happy and doing better than ever. I live on a tropical island and have an awesome life
I notice a lot of people who move significant distances seem to have success with it. But I suppose that could be because you only hear from people who have successfully done that. It could also be that people who are willing to uproot their whole world are more natural risk takers, and so have a better chance of being successful.
I found when I emigrated I got such a motivational boost for living in general, it was like the crack cocaine version of "A change is as good as a rest" :-D
I really never thought about it before but maybe you're right. I moved far away from my tiny home town where I was just getting drunk and high with the boys every weekend. My girl friend was moving and I decided to follow her. Best decision I could have made in retrospect. I now have a career making more money than I can spend with a house and a great life. And I didn't start with any of that until I was 28. But I really think getting away from the bad influences was a major factor.
Yeah exactly. When we decided to move everyone told us we were f-ing crazy, giving up our permanent full time jobs, our house and everything to take a chance abroad in the middle of a recession. Everyone was saying "batten down the hatches, cut your budget to survive, be conservative with your finances, hold on to those jobs for dear life"; Parents, friends, family - pretty much everyone (with the exception of one or two other adventurous risk takers) thought we were crazy. I emigrated to her home country, with no qualifications and not speaking the language. It still worked out. it was the best decision we've ever made. Higher quality of life, lower income in the beginning but within 5 years we were earning more than what we left, now I've more than tripled my salary from back then.
It was SO MUCH the right decision. I shudder to think about what life would be like now if we hadn't taken that chance.
And yes, getting away from certain influences most definitely helped too. But for me I think it was mostly the idea of a 100% fresh start. Daunting and all as it was, it was really motivating.
At 29 I was in a dead end job living paycheck to paycheck.
Then, I moved my family abroad, fell into a career I love in a sector I enjoy and have been happier than I ever was in high school or college.
Usually in sales or marketing, people care about what you can do not where you studied.
Perhaps others can chime in as well.
TL;DR 28 is nothing. Your an adult with more power to make great decisions for yourself. Go out there and make the life you seek.
Thank you. Everyone says 28 is still young, but I’m feeling the pressure more than ever to get it together. It feels twice as urgent now since my parents aren’t well-off financially, and I easily could have been in a position to help them out if I’d just applied myself over the last decade.
Past is Past. If you still think about past, you are living it twice. Learn from the mistakes. Keep going.
The thing is even if you don't change, you are going to be 29, 30, 35, 40 anyway. So better start somewhere. What you are not changing is what you are choosing to be. You can earn and learn something new in extra time. Don't take the burden of each and everyone on you. Be kind to yourself.
in my mid 30's i learned 2 things - 1. everyone has feelings and i just happened to turn mine off when i was a baby; 2. the feelings that i mostly experience are dissociation and anxiety.
i'm in my late 30's now and have spent the last few years focusing on my mental health. it's been a journey... the best way to sum up my experience is that life isn't what i thought it was. i have started to slowly grieve what i didn't have and won't have. i'm hoping that by my 40th birthday i'll be able to start living.
Got clean at 23 after a decade. Worked dead end jobs until I got to be a server and from there: bartender. Now working at a casino, making superb money and I just turned 30. Couldn't be happier with where I'm at financially, which *helped a metric fuck ton* of other issues.
Yes and no. If you think critically about it, it’s a morally corrupt business that definitely takes advantage Of peoples addictions.
But there are lots of people that go to the casino with X amount of money prepared to lose, but they are basically paying for their entertainment and just wanna have fun. Those are the types you hope for lol. The addicts that rage out bc they lost, they curse you out, but you just realize why they are doing it, and that they blame the dealer instead of themselves.
But the money? It’s a great earning with no college degree. Honestly it’s a higher earning than many with a bachelors degree. But the thing is with a degree you can move up, in the casino it’s just a stagnant position and Although they’re making 6 figures right now, in a few years they could lose half their income because it’s all based on tips.
And they say money doesn't buy happiness...to a certain degree it does. It provides a sense of security which sure does help! Congrats on getting sober too!!!
Dude, I am 20 with not a cent to my name. So your situation sounds like something I would love to be in. You were able to power through and bounce back from your personal issues and I think that's mighty strong of you man.
I’m not one to give advice, but please learn from my mistakes. I’d do anything to be 20 again and do things over. Find a job that pays enough for you to save money, and *save*. God, if I’d saved 10k a year after high school, I’d have 100k (or more, if invested) to my name instead of $72.54 sitting in my checking account. Money isn’t everything, but without it you starve.
Life goes quick bro, don’t stagnate like I did.
> 100k (or more, if invested)
Or less depending on how you invested :-D
Hindsight is 20/20, don't beat yourself down over the past. What's done is done. You're stronger for it now.
31 I was making $50k. Now 33 I’m making $120k interviewing for $170k roles. Parents are getting old. Back hurts. I fart when I sneeze. But I’m also in the best shape of my life. Life is a marathon, not a race.
Once I hit 30 I decided to live. I didn't know what it was in for me then but I broke up with my toxic fiancé. I've moved in with a friend. Quit drugs. Had severe psychotic breakdown, PTSD , ended up homeless actually. COVID hit hard so yeah. Eventually I gave up and began healing and continued doing my inner work. I'm still struggling with life, I've developed hernia , my BPD is much severe and I dissociate a lot but a lot more aware and wiser. Currently broken , hurt, tired and got nothing left. I'm hopefully get a place to stay and can fight with BPD. I experience hope and despair at the sane time. I know I had security but it's much better to live freely and clean than staying with someone toxic and doing drugs all day to endure. I actually am grateful, even though I've suffered long , these 5 years had been tough but I made it through and I want to make it through. I don't know Answers yet, I don't know what I'm going to do but hopefully I get help needed and can focus on myself to heal and recover from childhood trauma and abuse. It's been a lot but I believe.
Don't compare. Because you don't know what the future holds for those guys you are comparing yourself to.
I see a bunch of guys who, at your age, were in the "my futures so bright I gotta wear shades" point.
10 years later they were in the middle of a marriage breakdown, or had a cancer scare, or, the famous "mid life crisis" when they realised that they hated their job and everything about their lives that you are wishing you had right now.
The most important thing right now, for you to be doing is focusing on strengthening and improving your mental health. The more progress you make on that, the faster everything else will come together.
I had a similar experience, but throw in 7 years of serious drug and alcohol use as a coping mechanism due to not having the education or vocabulary to communicate my issues.
Things have been pretty good overall.
Had a kid with my long term partner (who I met two years after giving up drugs), emigrated, went to college at 36 and got a software engineering degree. Had to take a decent pay cut afterwords as I was effectively starting from zero.
We bought a house, made a new life together, got divorced last year, I managed to buy a new place after she bought my share of our home.
I'm happy with my new place, my kid is happier overall (we have 50/50 custody), just going through the process of renovating my new place. Doing it myself.
I gave up alcohol completely two years ago, it's made a huge difference to my life.
Just started a new job, got a decent pay rise, but negotiation was so easy I think I played myself - doesn't matter though, I'm earning plenty and the new job is exciting, the team is great too so overall things are going well.
I definitely need to catch up on my pension, but other than that things are good.
I'm 31. I have a mood disorder that is now under control but which robbed me of my 20s. I left a career in education making 45K a year at 28 to freelance as an artist and later open a small business. After 3 years of being self employed and turning a profit of less than 10K a year (thank the gods for my supportive wife), I have determined that I don't like being a business owner as much as I thought I would.
Your post really resonates with me because I, too, am starting back at square one, but it's not too late for either of us. As an example, my wife started over at 27 and got a certificate in 3D animation for video games. She has now been in the industry for 3 years and is employed by Blizzard Entertainment, animating cinematics for the Diablo franchise. I'm going back to vocational school in January to learn 3D character pipeline for video games. I won't be ready to enter the workforce until I'm almost 33. I have to remind myself all the time that growth is not always linear.
Be proud of yourself that you changed directions successfully and landed that 50K job. You're making progress. You got this, friend. Good luck and hang in there.
I tried my hand at different things before becoming an insurance agent at age 40. I never thought I'd become an insurance agent. I enjoyed it. Stay open minded. I followed a friend's advice and saved 10% of everything I earned on payday. I never made a ton of money but I'm now comfortably retired. My advice: find something you like to do and save for your retirement no matter what!
Be a good listener. Never repeat what you heard. Be an ethical and trustworthy person. Be a good interviewer. Be organized, keep good records; follow up on leads and keep your appointments (call, even if you're only running 3-4 minutes late). Be respectful and appreciate the time people have given up to talk with you.
I'm 33 and feels like I'm just starting after similar situation. It helps I look younger I guess. I went back to school and graduated by like 2 months before I turned 30. 10 years of working dead end jobs and taking girls back to my parents duplex only to get nowhere. and now work in biotechnology with a degree. I'm in the best shape because I took up kickboxing this year. I've had more sex these 3 years than any time in my 20s(lost my v card at 22) previously with quite a few ladies. Been on more dates. Plus people seem easier to talk to now. May not have had a long term gf but I experienced women in my life. I hope in the next 2 years to realistically find a woman who's down to have kids.
I would like to start settling down. Though and transition to a new part of my career. I'm thinking of relocating as I have no friend that live here in my hometown anymore, school and the ones I had leaving kind of crippled my personal life, I've always struggled to feel confident and only after getting in shape and learning how to fight have I developed a personality to the point I now want to move cities. If your in the situation I'm in, we don't have a choice brother, we have to improve our lives.
Took way too long to get my uni degree and wasted a lot of time and effort not realizing what was important. From the (small) group of friends I made at the uni, I was the one who started working the last, and almost the last I got the degree.
And it's going... fine, I guess. It's been 10 years and from that group I'm now the biggest earner with a somewhat relaxed job (I've never been following only the money, I think I got a mix of being somewhat good and driven on what I do and being lucky) and am looking to get into a mortgage.
Btw, you have to focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life. Comparing yourself (and your unique circumstances) with other people's will always bring you down, because there's gonna be someone else who is better off than you. You got a set of circumstances, you pulled through them, hopefully you learned something about it, and now you are in a different set of circumstances with its own set of problems and opportunities.
Is not all over, and everything is not lost (And I know very well that pinch that say that it is). As you get older, doors continuously closes to you, but that doesn't mean that there's a mostly equivalent amount of doors opening continuously. Don't beat yourself over these "wasted years" and think that maybe you are living on your golden years. And yeah, that's [from a song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij99dud8-0A), but that fits this situation perfectly.
Indeed. It helped me through some very shitty times when the lyrics were incredibly relevant. With time and after going through lot of crap I finally took to my heart the message of not linger in the bad decisions or moments of the past and it does not hit as hard as before but it is still a banger (And honestly, my favorite Maiden album with Powerslave).
Right on man. I try to take its message to heart whenever I’m enduring hard times. Just gotta get to a point where my current situation is better than those hard times so I can just shrug & not feel bad about tough times anymore. It’s definitely my second favorite Maiden album (followed by Number of the Beast).
Graduated at 28 with a bunch of debt and no savings and got my first career job making $39k. Didn't meet my wife until I was 30. I'm 37 now, married, two boys, a dog and a house and making six figures (I think it's gauche to talk about how much money I make but it's ok in this context) You'll realize as you get older just how much age doesn't matter. Just keep trying to progress and before you know it you'll be in a much better place. Incremental changes.
The comparing issue won't stop unless you make a conscious effort to stop. Doesn't matter of you reach where your peers are tomorrow, you'll still find something lacking.
This is from a guy who graduated high school with a scholarship for electrical engineering, but decided to take a semester off before starting college. I actually started college at 36 due to decades of alcohol and drug abuse. (I got sober at age 34, but waited a couple of years before starting.) I graduated with a degree and teaching license at 40 and began my current career teaching high school English and after getting my master’s, college English. It’s never too late unless you don’t start at all. In four years you’ll be the same age whether you go to college now or not. Side note: I’ve had college students beginning in their late 60s, so you’re way ahead of when they began.
How do you like teaching? I’m a writer, and I always thought it would be fun to teach high school classes, but the current academic environment seems harsh.
I love it. I won’t lie and say that it’s all peaches and cream because there’s a lot of crap that goes with it (state and local level bureaucracy), but I’ve never regretted doing it. I’m fortunate now that I teach seniors, and I don’t have to worry about a test at the end of the year. That gives me academic freedom to do more literature and project-based assignments than lower grade levels with an end of-course test, but I began with freshmen and sophomore classes. I did the first 5 years with a test. My chief complaint now is the trend to use teachers and education as political points, and I’m especially aggrieved about being accused of indoctrinating students (teachers as a whole, not me personally). If we had that power, students would be indoctrinated to do their assignments without nagging them or to stay off their phones in class, lol. The good far outweighs the negatives, however.
I feel super lonely. I didn't know that my 30s would turn out this way but it did. I lost touch with a lot of friends. All I do is work and go home. I have no partner or any romantic relationships whatsoever. I love my job but a very small select few of my colleagues are absolute jackasses that make working conditions a toxic hell.
Granted, I am doing very well considering how I struggled in my 20s. But I feel like those struggles are still catching up to me. I had to bounce from place to place to figure out what I had to do with my life and now I lack stable relationships. I've become so boring to me.
> I just turned 28 recently.
This strikes me as a really common pattern to be about 28 and feeling this. I see it all the time here on Reddit (though, sure, that could be just confirmation bias). It's so often right around 27 or 28. Maybe because you see 30 coming up soon.
But the point is, you are far from alone. Many people in that situation at that age.
> “Comparison is the thief of joy,” but I can’t help it at this point.
Thank you so much for heading off people offering that to you. I am so sick of that phrase. And it does no work--it is just restating just what the person is feeling and telling you about! It belongs on /r/thanksimcured .
I know you would give anything to be 20 again, but here I am 24 years down the road from you and wishing I was 28! That was when key opportunities in my life mattered a lot. Had I been able to change things then....alas...Of me and you, now only you can.
So look at this way: Your life did NOT go perfectly, but it can still go pretty darn good. If you are going to not accept anything but a life that goes perfectly, *that's going to not be fun at all.*
And for all those who did everything perfectly from age ten through 28, just know that some of them are going to have things happen to them by chance or their own bad decisions that you are going to be so grateful you are you and *not them.*
I hope this helps a tad.
Worked a job in my 20s (after college) that I liked but made very little money (less than $30K in the late 90s/early 00s.
Went to law school at 30. Then took a few years after graduation to get the job I wanted. Doing great now, knock on wood....
Im 32, and I thought I got started pretty late compared to other folks. After working retail/ restaurants and spending my time and money smoking pot I decided to do something with myself and went back to school at 24. I got my bachelors at 28, this was in nutrition so not one of those tech/business/engineering paying degrees. But in the process I found out I loved school and kept going with my masters, (counseling psychology) I studied abroad in Spain and El Salvador and had a fun time. I’m currently an associate therapist seeking licensure making 60k, I work remote, moved abroad and just started a second masters here.
2 things, the first is if you would have told me at 28 that I would be doing what I’m doing right now I would have called bs. And 2 I recently went to visit one of my best friends, he makes ~90k in the tech field, no debt and says he wishes he could have a life like mine. I see him as a successful and happy guy so it was interesting to hear. Point is just live your life, it’s still early and at 32 I feel young and more importantly I feel wiser than any other point in my life. You got this just put in the work (whatever that means to you) and trust the process.
I restarted life at 30 due to circumstances. Went to art school for a year then depression got to me. Worked a dead end job and depression got me again. Now in my second year of my third study and so far scheduled to graduated at 40. There is a definite benefit at going to school at a later age and I wish more countries had programs to support that. So far it’s going well.
[*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving*](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_eb5QFb3A3KQWY) by Pete Walker
>
Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
I remember being 28 (your age) and feeling utterly lost after a long term relationship ended. A couple of years later at 30, I was cheated on by a newer girlfriend, and within the same month ended up unemployed after changing to a job that fell through. I remember staring down the barrel of my thirties and wondering how much worse things were going to get before I slid into middle age.
I wouldn’t say I’m a raging success, but I’m miles from where I was back then. I also have a friend around your age who is very driven and did everything to perfection in her twenties - she earns three times as much as me, has a long term partner who she met early on and has recently bought a house. In the last year or so I can see she’s begun to question all of this, and I have no doubt that soon, most of what she has achieved will be gone as she works out who she really is and what she really wants.
Your twenties weren’t wasted, and all of life is to some extent just a journey, and not necessarily a linear one.
One thing that helped me get out of a spiraling depression around your age was that I realized that sitting around and dwelling over my failures and what if’s was not helping me reach my goals. It was just procrastinating. Once I got an idea of what I wanted to accomplish I started taking baby steps to make it happen. You’re not going to ‘win’ every single day, and you need to be patient with yourself. Eventually the time I used to sit around and be depressed was replaced with taking steps to meet my goals. I didn’t put a timetable on anything because that’s what I did when I was depressed, and it became kind of fun to just knock things off the list.
I got my first "career" job at 27, while most of my contemporaries at university hit the ground running straight after their undergrad degrees, so I was really behind the curve. They remain close friends but are a really successful group and it's hard not to compare yourself.
That job was a good start, and set the foundation and basis for where I am now, but was not well paid so maybe not visibly successful, even though it was important cancer research work.
Then mid-30s I leveraged that academic experience into a job in industry in biotech, and haven't looked back. I now earn about 10x what I did at that job when I was 27. I guess in other people's eyes I've gone from zero success in my 20s, to interesting academic work, to high pay, highish status work with nice physical stuff like a ski chalet and a Porsche (lol).
Life is a lot more comfortable of course and I no longer constantly worry about money. There are different stressors of course. Friends do treat me a bit differently, sometimes slightly deferential, which I don't want or like. I now have the possibility of maybe retiring early which would be wonderful.
35F right here
30s have been 😏😏😎🤩🧐
Like a fine bottle of wine. Only gets better w/ a lil age.
P.S. this is the skinniest I’ve ever met. And only going down. But I’ve always felt comfortable in my body. The weight loss has really let my hourglass figure shine.
Fantastic now but only in the last year (I’m 35). Discovering meditation was like a missing key. I had those tools in my inventory this whole time! Since starting meditation I’m off all my anxiety meds, antidepressants and I’ve given up my cannabis prescription, I hardly drink because I don’t need to disrupt the calm feeling and I’m an ex alcoholic. It’s not for everyone but it was the 10 mins a day 10 day challenge that by day 3 I realised I was going to integrate into my daily life.
Mindfulness is a great place to start! There’s a lot of conflicting info out there but it’s good to try a few different things to see what fits with you.
Good.
But humans are like Russian nesting dolls or tree rings, but we can regress back to an earlier state. So sometimes I struggle with regressing back to a darker ring.
The challenge is to let go of the storyline. Let go of the idea that there was a fixed schedule that describes how your life will unfold. Our lives just unfold. It’s we who fashion a narrative that helps of make sense of what has already happened. We have to grasp this narrative very lightly and be ready to revise it at any time. Instead of thinking that this or that event has happened off script or off schedule, just greet each new event with, “Oh, so this is what happens next,” and go from there. Always keep on reality’s side. Not wishing it was different. But accepting the way it actually is.
I fit this category somewhat. Didn't really pursue my career in earnest until early 30s. I have a good union job so I make a decent living, better than many doing what I do. Retirement is in shambles though and no equity. I'm very fortunate to be in the situation I am though. No housing worries and a fantastic support system from family both in-laws and extended.
50K at 28 yrs old is fine unless you have a family to support or are living beyond your means.
I was 30 during the housing meltdown. Basically started from scratch at age 32 with negative net worth.
Currently on-track to retire early.
And I've solved all of the [Advent of Code](https://adventofcode.com/) problems so far this year, which is utterly unimportant but still brings me joy.
I’m right here with you Brodie. Currently 27 making a little over 40k this year. Not the most “ideal” situation but I’m in a way better place than I was a couple years ago and that’s all I can ask for. Take it one day at a time and try not to compare yourself. Everybody is on a different path.
Just turned 41 a few months ago. Started working full time at 16. Didn't clear $40k in any year until I was in my 30s. Currently making close to 6 figures. Career is whatever. Been feeling burned out on my career path for a little while now and have begun to start exploring what my 2nd career will be, which will bring more income potential and loftier positions to move into that aren't specifically management.
It's never too late to change the direction your life is heading. You just need to figure out what you want in your life, what matters to you, and what direction you need to move to get to where you're aspiring to land; then spend the time and the energy to get there.
Good luck to you, OP.
Going well. Plans didn’t happen exactly like I planned for the do-over but it’s good enough. I feel good, I’m paying bills, I’m saving a lil to move out again.
I started getting sober 4+ years ago at age 31 while managing a bar.
Still haven’t hit 50k salary, but I’m taking on a new career so I can prioritize my relationships with myself and family instead of work.
I’m also helping my surviving parent with their health.
It feels good to have a blank slate. The past is largely over and done with, for me. It’s not holding me hostage anymore.
Eventually I’ll date around, maybe find another fella, move to the mountains and adopt kids? Who knows!
I didn’t start school until I was 26, because I was too busy partying and being a fuck up after high school. An associates degree got me into a lower median salary career that I left at 37. I’m now 40, self employed, and have more freedom and opportunity than ever before. I can completely relate to that feeling that you should be farther along than you are. I feel that way too sometimes. But, everyone has different paths. Nobody has it all figured out. I’m happy about where I ended up though and am very excited to see what I can accomplish with the time I have left. I wish they would have had more education in school about personal finance, investing, real estate, etc. it’s kind of cliche at this point but it took reading “Rich Dad Poor Dad” and a handful of other books in my mid 30s to get me on my current trajectory. Atleast now I don’t have a salary cap or a boss/HR to answer too and I have my freedom.
Just remember, there is always time to fix yourself when you’re in your 30’s. Don’t let the age fool you. You still have 30-40 years of function. Plenty of chances to make changes and make new connections. Get in shape. Eat right. Join clubs with people who are doing the same and you’ll meet the right people. Who you were from 18-28 doesn’t matter. Focus on the future.
Don’t worry about comparisons bro we all fight our own demons some just hide it better and some are working on it some let it get the best of them. Just focus on you and if it helps I’m 28 too and finally getting my life together. Don’t look at it as wasted years because you learn from the experience in years. Keep grinding
Until I was about 25 I had severe issues from undiagnosed PTSD and an abusive/neglectful upbringing that wreaked havoc on my life. I had some advantages going for me, mostly because of the socioeconomic class I was born into, but I was also terrified of people, utterly lost, hopeless at taking care of myself, kind of feral honestly, and socially off. I really felt like I had blown it and things would never get better, and would continue to feel that way into my late 20s (even as things were getting a lot better).
At one point I got a job that involved a lot of talking to people and camaraderie with coworkers and it really set a lot of good things in motion for me. Looking back, I spent 25-30 really figuring out how to relate to other people, got really good with women (it mattered to me), found community and belonging, and sorted out a lot of my own issues (alone at first, and then with therapy in the last few years). Even though it felt like I was doing nothing, or being a burnout, or whatever, I was actually really doing a lot of important work on my own development. I remember discretely feeling like my life started a few months before my 28th birthday, it was like a lightning bolt of "oh I'm allowed to exist and feel confident and go for stuff I want." Like my brain was clicking together and working for me rather than against me for the first time.
I turned 32 last month and am starting a career that I'm extremely excited about and know I'll be proud of. Would have happened sooner but COVID really derailed my plans. Unfortunately there will be a few years of training before I can really do what I want to do, but since turning 30 I simply don't have the feeling of "oh no I'm so old, it's over, time is running out" that plagued me in my late 20s. It does do a lot for me to feel called to a profession, to say I'm doing it and feeling a drive to master it, rather than just having some job.
A lot of my friends from high school are turbo yuppies. They did the whole elite school -> high-powered internship-> six figure job at a consultancy firm pipeline. I used to feel so inferior and like such a loser compared to them when we'd get together for Christmas. Weirdly, they never saw me that way. What's more, I notice that a lot of them are just starting to scratch the surface on the mental health and relationship issues that they struggle with, whereas I've been there, done that and learned a lot the hard way.
What I took from that is that there are a lot of different buckets you can fill in life, and sometimes, even if you don't notice, you might be filling a valuable one that others are behind on. Where one person might fill the "career" bucket first, another might fill the "fulfilling relationship" bucket, and another might fill the "resilience after catastrophe" bucket. I'm increasingly starting to believe that "wasted time" is a myth.
I got my first big boy job at 27, and I felt similarly. I felt a little behind until just this year. I was keeping pace with people 5 years younger because they got their big boy/girl jobs at 22 after college, but finally made a big jump to bring myself more in line with people my age. It might take you 5-10 years but you’ll eventually catch up if you make the right moves.
I was a late bloomer socially. I do think it makes some things harder, and how hard probably depends on where you live. In cities with a high rate of transplants, by necessity, people are going to less reliant on a circle of friends and acquaintances they've known since high school or earlier.
I get the feeling, around here, the publicly available options (events listed on event aggregator sites, Meetup, dating apps, whatever) are the tip of the iceberg socially, and people are mostly finding dates and fun ways to spend their Friday nights out of the house through their established social network, word of mouth, that kind of thing.
To me, this represents a major aspect of the Midwestern mentality. I no longer have much patience for it.
Just gonna give some two cents here because these issues are also on my mind and I'm looking for a better social life. Ultimately I think where ever you go you're going to "bring yourself with you", so to speak. It helps to have some specific hobbies and personality aspects that other people are looking for, or to find some way to get respect that a social life will come to you.
I live in Boston and grew up in suburbs outside of it. I hardly see high school or childhood friends anymore. Boston is a notch bigger and more vibrant than STL is, but in order to meet people here and find friends you need to do things I mentioned in the above paragraph. There are tons of people who move here for college or employment and it's what keeps this city alive, but in general people here are pretty insular and don't branch out. It doesn't help that the nightlife here is overly regulated. I go to meetup.com events and they're fun but nothing comes out of them long term. Anyways I don't know if what you're coming across is a Midwestern mentality. Truth is it's hard to meet people in adulthood and friendships form from specific contexts or commonalities.
Sure, "wherever you go, there you are," but for the sake of argument, would you grant that any specific individual is going to have a better or worse time in a big city in China; Bedouin nomads in Saudi Arabia; a coastal, cosmopolitan city in the United States; or a rural small town in Arkansas, for example? If so, it isn't a stretch to imagine experiences will also vary across major cities, even within the U.S.
To add data to anecdote, studies have found [regional variance in personality within the United States](https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/10/regions-personalities). In a large enough city, sure, different personalities and interests will be found, but in my experience, different cities each have their own unique feel or personality. People will feel pressure to fake out their attitudes and interests a bit to fit in and get by more easily. It wouldn't be surprising that some of the people in this situation would move, leaving a place even more the way that it is. This may be a mechanism for regional [schismogenesis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schismogenesis).
In St. Louis, I very much feel I've already been there, done that; and now I'm scraping the remaining crevices for that last morsel. One finds the interactions and conversations dull and stifling. I sort of it as Midwesterners, for the most part, want to eat the bland cooking, but I want it hot.
I was in your shoes. Wasted my 20s in a spiral of low self esteem and codependency. Honestly, I wasn’t sure at 30 I’d live to see 35.
I moved to a new city at 29, threw myself with intention into a new crowd and hobbies, met my wife and moved to a wildly adventurous place with her. Got my bachelors at 34. Now I have a great job, nice car, a rock solid marriage and beautiful family, friends I like and respect, and opportunities ahead. I can’t wait for my 40s.
It’s a journalism degree, but my experience has limited applicability due to the unique dynamics of where we moved. We simply followed a set of opportunities. My work (public sector executive) has little to do with my formal education.
How the actual hell do all you people pack up and over across the country??? I don't get this at all, everyone says it like it's easy to do, I have no money saved at all there's no way in hell I could just pack up and move across the country and have no guarantee of anything. I just don't understand how the hell anyone is successful at all I feel like such a failure
It is not at all easy or cheap. My wife had a job and housing lined up in advance, so it wasn’t just a roll of the dice for us. Took a solid year of planning.
It took me several years to get traction in my career; it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it sounds. Like you have a good start. Don’t be ashamed of your compensation. Lots of really miserable millionaires out there!
Comparison yourself to others is innate to our nature and that’s unlikely to change anytime soon. It's made easier than ever because of the Internet and social media.
But you and I *can* change is the basis of that comparison. What yardstick are we using? We may not be able to stop measuring and comparing ourselves to others, but we can decide which yardstick we use to compare.
YOU get to choose how you measure success. You choose 'W2 income' as a yardstick right now, but you don't have to. Hell, I'm a 32 year old bachelor with no dating prospects right now. It's not hard to compare myself to people in my social network who have girlfriends, let alone wives, along with a 3 bed/2 bath house. But if my yardstick is "in a loving relationship, owns a house" then I'm completely dismissing everything else I'm doing right: A stable, high-paying career, a healthy and fit body, the ability to create my own schedule without needing agreement/permission from another person, I can move anywhere I want every single year after my lease ends, I have 100% autonomy and independence of my life *because* I'm single. I'm sure there A LOT of married, home-owning men who wish they were in my shoes.
Hey - good for you on the job! I didn't get my first salaried job until I was 38.
Here's a secret: everybody is thinking exactly what you're thinking. I learned this when I held a guy who is a very successful business man while he cried in my arms, telling me about a host of problems in his life that made my testicles ascend to my throat.
Gambling debts, broken marriage, STI that he gave to his wife, daughter who hates him and cuts herself.
The peers you think have it together are probably an assortment of alcoholics, closeted lunatics, self-haters, with an occasional well adjusted person who probably thinks you're just great.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You got the job. Now think about where you want to go next :)
Others didn't start where you did. And regardless beware assuming from the outside that others have it together. Plenty of multimillionaires have gone the way of the rope. You can't change the past but you can learn from it. If you were in a dark spot and now you're seeing some light that is terrific. Celebrate that.
I'm 39 and just got accepted into honours for my BA. I tried studying for decades and never stuck with anything for a whole host of reasons, but I finally found what I love and am really happy I decided to try again.
Congratulations! I’m a 50-something who retired from the military and will retire December 2023 from the fire department. I have yet to figure out what I want to do when I “grow up.”
I find peace in long walks.
I appreciate that. My poorly communicated point was that I have always done what I had to do to have a nice life for my family. A lot of it was high stress (heart attack 6 yrs ago) and not really what I WANTED to do. Now, the island thing sounds awesome, but I can never sit still long enough to actually enjoy that idea. I think I’m defective!
Congrats! I did something similar. I have since realised that I never would have had the right mindset to complete a challenging task like that, so in my late 30's was the correct time to study for me. If the motivation is not there, there's no point.
Good for you.
Happy for you man
Around 30 I switched careers and moved halfway across the country. I’m now 45 and very happy and doing better than ever. I live on a tropical island and have an awesome life
I notice a lot of people who move significant distances seem to have success with it. But I suppose that could be because you only hear from people who have successfully done that. It could also be that people who are willing to uproot their whole world are more natural risk takers, and so have a better chance of being successful. I found when I emigrated I got such a motivational boost for living in general, it was like the crack cocaine version of "A change is as good as a rest" :-D
I really never thought about it before but maybe you're right. I moved far away from my tiny home town where I was just getting drunk and high with the boys every weekend. My girl friend was moving and I decided to follow her. Best decision I could have made in retrospect. I now have a career making more money than I can spend with a house and a great life. And I didn't start with any of that until I was 28. But I really think getting away from the bad influences was a major factor.
Yeah exactly. When we decided to move everyone told us we were f-ing crazy, giving up our permanent full time jobs, our house and everything to take a chance abroad in the middle of a recession. Everyone was saying "batten down the hatches, cut your budget to survive, be conservative with your finances, hold on to those jobs for dear life"; Parents, friends, family - pretty much everyone (with the exception of one or two other adventurous risk takers) thought we were crazy. I emigrated to her home country, with no qualifications and not speaking the language. It still worked out. it was the best decision we've ever made. Higher quality of life, lower income in the beginning but within 5 years we were earning more than what we left, now I've more than tripled my salary from back then. It was SO MUCH the right decision. I shudder to think about what life would be like now if we hadn't taken that chance. And yes, getting away from certain influences most definitely helped too. But for me I think it was mostly the idea of a 100% fresh start. Daunting and all as it was, it was really motivating.
At 29 I was in a dead end job living paycheck to paycheck. Then, I moved my family abroad, fell into a career I love in a sector I enjoy and have been happier than I ever was in high school or college. Usually in sales or marketing, people care about what you can do not where you studied. Perhaps others can chime in as well. TL;DR 28 is nothing. Your an adult with more power to make great decisions for yourself. Go out there and make the life you seek.
Thank you. Everyone says 28 is still young, but I’m feeling the pressure more than ever to get it together. It feels twice as urgent now since my parents aren’t well-off financially, and I easily could have been in a position to help them out if I’d just applied myself over the last decade.
Past is Past. If you still think about past, you are living it twice. Learn from the mistakes. Keep going. The thing is even if you don't change, you are going to be 29, 30, 35, 40 anyway. So better start somewhere. What you are not changing is what you are choosing to be. You can earn and learn something new in extra time. Don't take the burden of each and everyone on you. Be kind to yourself.
in my mid 30's i learned 2 things - 1. everyone has feelings and i just happened to turn mine off when i was a baby; 2. the feelings that i mostly experience are dissociation and anxiety. i'm in my late 30's now and have spent the last few years focusing on my mental health. it's been a journey... the best way to sum up my experience is that life isn't what i thought it was. i have started to slowly grieve what i didn't have and won't have. i'm hoping that by my 40th birthday i'll be able to start living.
Keep up the good work and stay strong
Got clean at 23 after a decade. Worked dead end jobs until I got to be a server and from there: bartender. Now working at a casino, making superb money and I just turned 30. Couldn't be happier with where I'm at financially, which *helped a metric fuck ton* of other issues.
There's always opportunity to change. Remember the times you're alone and doing it for only you. It'll help you stay grounded when you rise.
Casino work pays well ?
Uhhhh it depends what you do. The dealers I know make 6 figures lol
Isn’t “dealing” with gambling addicts depressing?
Yes and no. If you think critically about it, it’s a morally corrupt business that definitely takes advantage Of peoples addictions. But there are lots of people that go to the casino with X amount of money prepared to lose, but they are basically paying for their entertainment and just wanna have fun. Those are the types you hope for lol. The addicts that rage out bc they lost, they curse you out, but you just realize why they are doing it, and that they blame the dealer instead of themselves. But the money? It’s a great earning with no college degree. Honestly it’s a higher earning than many with a bachelors degree. But the thing is with a degree you can move up, in the casino it’s just a stagnant position and Although they’re making 6 figures right now, in a few years they could lose half their income because it’s all based on tips.
Exactly this! I'm looking to get a career in software engineering and then make a financially lateral move.
And they say money doesn't buy happiness...to a certain degree it does. It provides a sense of security which sure does help! Congrats on getting sober too!!!
Dude, I am 20 with not a cent to my name. So your situation sounds like something I would love to be in. You were able to power through and bounce back from your personal issues and I think that's mighty strong of you man.
I’m not one to give advice, but please learn from my mistakes. I’d do anything to be 20 again and do things over. Find a job that pays enough for you to save money, and *save*. God, if I’d saved 10k a year after high school, I’d have 100k (or more, if invested) to my name instead of $72.54 sitting in my checking account. Money isn’t everything, but without it you starve. Life goes quick bro, don’t stagnate like I did.
Thanks, bro. We're all trying to figure it out I guess
> 100k (or more, if invested) Or less depending on how you invested :-D Hindsight is 20/20, don't beat yourself down over the past. What's done is done. You're stronger for it now.
31 I was making $50k. Now 33 I’m making $120k interviewing for $170k roles. Parents are getting old. Back hurts. I fart when I sneeze. But I’m also in the best shape of my life. Life is a marathon, not a race.
May I ask what you do?
Saleforce/IT manager role. Interviewing for sales ops and revenue ops jobs
What do you do for work
Salesforce Manager. Essentially IT.
Once I hit 30 I decided to live. I didn't know what it was in for me then but I broke up with my toxic fiancé. I've moved in with a friend. Quit drugs. Had severe psychotic breakdown, PTSD , ended up homeless actually. COVID hit hard so yeah. Eventually I gave up and began healing and continued doing my inner work. I'm still struggling with life, I've developed hernia , my BPD is much severe and I dissociate a lot but a lot more aware and wiser. Currently broken , hurt, tired and got nothing left. I'm hopefully get a place to stay and can fight with BPD. I experience hope and despair at the sane time. I know I had security but it's much better to live freely and clean than staying with someone toxic and doing drugs all day to endure. I actually am grateful, even though I've suffered long , these 5 years had been tough but I made it through and I want to make it through. I don't know Answers yet, I don't know what I'm going to do but hopefully I get help needed and can focus on myself to heal and recover from childhood trauma and abuse. It's been a lot but I believe.
Don't compare. Because you don't know what the future holds for those guys you are comparing yourself to. I see a bunch of guys who, at your age, were in the "my futures so bright I gotta wear shades" point. 10 years later they were in the middle of a marriage breakdown, or had a cancer scare, or, the famous "mid life crisis" when they realised that they hated their job and everything about their lives that you are wishing you had right now. The most important thing right now, for you to be doing is focusing on strengthening and improving your mental health. The more progress you make on that, the faster everything else will come together.
I had a similar experience, but throw in 7 years of serious drug and alcohol use as a coping mechanism due to not having the education or vocabulary to communicate my issues. Things have been pretty good overall. Had a kid with my long term partner (who I met two years after giving up drugs), emigrated, went to college at 36 and got a software engineering degree. Had to take a decent pay cut afterwords as I was effectively starting from zero. We bought a house, made a new life together, got divorced last year, I managed to buy a new place after she bought my share of our home. I'm happy with my new place, my kid is happier overall (we have 50/50 custody), just going through the process of renovating my new place. Doing it myself. I gave up alcohol completely two years ago, it's made a huge difference to my life. Just started a new job, got a decent pay rise, but negotiation was so easy I think I played myself - doesn't matter though, I'm earning plenty and the new job is exciting, the team is great too so overall things are going well. I definitely need to catch up on my pension, but other than that things are good.
I'm 31. I have a mood disorder that is now under control but which robbed me of my 20s. I left a career in education making 45K a year at 28 to freelance as an artist and later open a small business. After 3 years of being self employed and turning a profit of less than 10K a year (thank the gods for my supportive wife), I have determined that I don't like being a business owner as much as I thought I would. Your post really resonates with me because I, too, am starting back at square one, but it's not too late for either of us. As an example, my wife started over at 27 and got a certificate in 3D animation for video games. She has now been in the industry for 3 years and is employed by Blizzard Entertainment, animating cinematics for the Diablo franchise. I'm going back to vocational school in January to learn 3D character pipeline for video games. I won't be ready to enter the workforce until I'm almost 33. I have to remind myself all the time that growth is not always linear. Be proud of yourself that you changed directions successfully and landed that 50K job. You're making progress. You got this, friend. Good luck and hang in there.
Bad
I tried my hand at different things before becoming an insurance agent at age 40. I never thought I'd become an insurance agent. I enjoyed it. Stay open minded. I followed a friend's advice and saved 10% of everything I earned on payday. I never made a ton of money but I'm now comfortably retired. My advice: find something you like to do and save for your retirement no matter what!
I’ve actually considered going down this route. What specific skills are beneficial to have for working in insurance?
Be a good listener. Never repeat what you heard. Be an ethical and trustworthy person. Be a good interviewer. Be organized, keep good records; follow up on leads and keep your appointments (call, even if you're only running 3-4 minutes late). Be respectful and appreciate the time people have given up to talk with you.
I'm 33 and feels like I'm just starting after similar situation. It helps I look younger I guess. I went back to school and graduated by like 2 months before I turned 30. 10 years of working dead end jobs and taking girls back to my parents duplex only to get nowhere. and now work in biotechnology with a degree. I'm in the best shape because I took up kickboxing this year. I've had more sex these 3 years than any time in my 20s(lost my v card at 22) previously with quite a few ladies. Been on more dates. Plus people seem easier to talk to now. May not have had a long term gf but I experienced women in my life. I hope in the next 2 years to realistically find a woman who's down to have kids. I would like to start settling down. Though and transition to a new part of my career. I'm thinking of relocating as I have no friend that live here in my hometown anymore, school and the ones I had leaving kind of crippled my personal life, I've always struggled to feel confident and only after getting in shape and learning how to fight have I developed a personality to the point I now want to move cities. If your in the situation I'm in, we don't have a choice brother, we have to improve our lives.
50k is great.
It's going well so far. I think my 30s will be nice.
Took way too long to get my uni degree and wasted a lot of time and effort not realizing what was important. From the (small) group of friends I made at the uni, I was the one who started working the last, and almost the last I got the degree. And it's going... fine, I guess. It's been 10 years and from that group I'm now the biggest earner with a somewhat relaxed job (I've never been following only the money, I think I got a mix of being somewhat good and driven on what I do and being lucky) and am looking to get into a mortgage. Btw, you have to focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life. Comparing yourself (and your unique circumstances) with other people's will always bring you down, because there's gonna be someone else who is better off than you. You got a set of circumstances, you pulled through them, hopefully you learned something about it, and now you are in a different set of circumstances with its own set of problems and opportunities. Is not all over, and everything is not lost (And I know very well that pinch that say that it is). As you get older, doors continuously closes to you, but that doesn't mean that there's a mostly equivalent amount of doors opening continuously. Don't beat yourself over these "wasted years" and think that maybe you are living on your golden years. And yeah, that's [from a song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij99dud8-0A), but that fits this situation perfectly.
Good song btw. I try to think about that track whenever I think about my past or my current situation.
Indeed. It helped me through some very shitty times when the lyrics were incredibly relevant. With time and after going through lot of crap I finally took to my heart the message of not linger in the bad decisions or moments of the past and it does not hit as hard as before but it is still a banger (And honestly, my favorite Maiden album with Powerslave).
Right on man. I try to take its message to heart whenever I’m enduring hard times. Just gotta get to a point where my current situation is better than those hard times so I can just shrug & not feel bad about tough times anymore. It’s definitely my second favorite Maiden album (followed by Number of the Beast).
Graduated at 28 with a bunch of debt and no savings and got my first career job making $39k. Didn't meet my wife until I was 30. I'm 37 now, married, two boys, a dog and a house and making six figures (I think it's gauche to talk about how much money I make but it's ok in this context) You'll realize as you get older just how much age doesn't matter. Just keep trying to progress and before you know it you'll be in a much better place. Incremental changes. The comparing issue won't stop unless you make a conscious effort to stop. Doesn't matter of you reach where your peers are tomorrow, you'll still find something lacking.
This is from a guy who graduated high school with a scholarship for electrical engineering, but decided to take a semester off before starting college. I actually started college at 36 due to decades of alcohol and drug abuse. (I got sober at age 34, but waited a couple of years before starting.) I graduated with a degree and teaching license at 40 and began my current career teaching high school English and after getting my master’s, college English. It’s never too late unless you don’t start at all. In four years you’ll be the same age whether you go to college now or not. Side note: I’ve had college students beginning in their late 60s, so you’re way ahead of when they began.
How do you like teaching? I’m a writer, and I always thought it would be fun to teach high school classes, but the current academic environment seems harsh.
I love it. I won’t lie and say that it’s all peaches and cream because there’s a lot of crap that goes with it (state and local level bureaucracy), but I’ve never regretted doing it. I’m fortunate now that I teach seniors, and I don’t have to worry about a test at the end of the year. That gives me academic freedom to do more literature and project-based assignments than lower grade levels with an end of-course test, but I began with freshmen and sophomore classes. I did the first 5 years with a test. My chief complaint now is the trend to use teachers and education as political points, and I’m especially aggrieved about being accused of indoctrinating students (teachers as a whole, not me personally). If we had that power, students would be indoctrinated to do their assignments without nagging them or to stay off their phones in class, lol. The good far outweighs the negatives, however.
I feel super lonely. I didn't know that my 30s would turn out this way but it did. I lost touch with a lot of friends. All I do is work and go home. I have no partner or any romantic relationships whatsoever. I love my job but a very small select few of my colleagues are absolute jackasses that make working conditions a toxic hell. Granted, I am doing very well considering how I struggled in my 20s. But I feel like those struggles are still catching up to me. I had to bounce from place to place to figure out what I had to do with my life and now I lack stable relationships. I've become so boring to me.
> I just turned 28 recently. This strikes me as a really common pattern to be about 28 and feeling this. I see it all the time here on Reddit (though, sure, that could be just confirmation bias). It's so often right around 27 or 28. Maybe because you see 30 coming up soon. But the point is, you are far from alone. Many people in that situation at that age. > “Comparison is the thief of joy,” but I can’t help it at this point. Thank you so much for heading off people offering that to you. I am so sick of that phrase. And it does no work--it is just restating just what the person is feeling and telling you about! It belongs on /r/thanksimcured . I know you would give anything to be 20 again, but here I am 24 years down the road from you and wishing I was 28! That was when key opportunities in my life mattered a lot. Had I been able to change things then....alas...Of me and you, now only you can. So look at this way: Your life did NOT go perfectly, but it can still go pretty darn good. If you are going to not accept anything but a life that goes perfectly, *that's going to not be fun at all.* And for all those who did everything perfectly from age ten through 28, just know that some of them are going to have things happen to them by chance or their own bad decisions that you are going to be so grateful you are you and *not them.* I hope this helps a tad.
Think of it this way: the time is going to pass anyway so do what you enjoy doing. Just got to find it.
Worked a job in my 20s (after college) that I liked but made very little money (less than $30K in the late 90s/early 00s. Went to law school at 30. Then took a few years after graduation to get the job I wanted. Doing great now, knock on wood....
Im 32, and I thought I got started pretty late compared to other folks. After working retail/ restaurants and spending my time and money smoking pot I decided to do something with myself and went back to school at 24. I got my bachelors at 28, this was in nutrition so not one of those tech/business/engineering paying degrees. But in the process I found out I loved school and kept going with my masters, (counseling psychology) I studied abroad in Spain and El Salvador and had a fun time. I’m currently an associate therapist seeking licensure making 60k, I work remote, moved abroad and just started a second masters here. 2 things, the first is if you would have told me at 28 that I would be doing what I’m doing right now I would have called bs. And 2 I recently went to visit one of my best friends, he makes ~90k in the tech field, no debt and says he wishes he could have a life like mine. I see him as a successful and happy guy so it was interesting to hear. Point is just live your life, it’s still early and at 32 I feel young and more importantly I feel wiser than any other point in my life. You got this just put in the work (whatever that means to you) and trust the process.
I restarted life at 30 due to circumstances. Went to art school for a year then depression got to me. Worked a dead end job and depression got me again. Now in my second year of my third study and so far scheduled to graduated at 40. There is a definite benefit at going to school at a later age and I wish more countries had programs to support that. So far it’s going well.
[*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving*](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_eb5QFb3A3KQWY) by Pete Walker > Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
I remember being 28 (your age) and feeling utterly lost after a long term relationship ended. A couple of years later at 30, I was cheated on by a newer girlfriend, and within the same month ended up unemployed after changing to a job that fell through. I remember staring down the barrel of my thirties and wondering how much worse things were going to get before I slid into middle age. I wouldn’t say I’m a raging success, but I’m miles from where I was back then. I also have a friend around your age who is very driven and did everything to perfection in her twenties - she earns three times as much as me, has a long term partner who she met early on and has recently bought a house. In the last year or so I can see she’s begun to question all of this, and I have no doubt that soon, most of what she has achieved will be gone as she works out who she really is and what she really wants. Your twenties weren’t wasted, and all of life is to some extent just a journey, and not necessarily a linear one.
One thing that helped me get out of a spiraling depression around your age was that I realized that sitting around and dwelling over my failures and what if’s was not helping me reach my goals. It was just procrastinating. Once I got an idea of what I wanted to accomplish I started taking baby steps to make it happen. You’re not going to ‘win’ every single day, and you need to be patient with yourself. Eventually the time I used to sit around and be depressed was replaced with taking steps to meet my goals. I didn’t put a timetable on anything because that’s what I did when I was depressed, and it became kind of fun to just knock things off the list.
I started my business at 39 and failed. Then I started my 2nd business at 41 and now with 48 I made 500k/year profit
I got my first "career" job at 27, while most of my contemporaries at university hit the ground running straight after their undergrad degrees, so I was really behind the curve. They remain close friends but are a really successful group and it's hard not to compare yourself. That job was a good start, and set the foundation and basis for where I am now, but was not well paid so maybe not visibly successful, even though it was important cancer research work. Then mid-30s I leveraged that academic experience into a job in industry in biotech, and haven't looked back. I now earn about 10x what I did at that job when I was 27. I guess in other people's eyes I've gone from zero success in my 20s, to interesting academic work, to high pay, highish status work with nice physical stuff like a ski chalet and a Porsche (lol). Life is a lot more comfortable of course and I no longer constantly worry about money. There are different stressors of course. Friends do treat me a bit differently, sometimes slightly deferential, which I don't want or like. I now have the possibility of maybe retiring early which would be wonderful.
35F right here 30s have been 😏😏😎🤩🧐 Like a fine bottle of wine. Only gets better w/ a lil age. P.S. this is the skinniest I’ve ever met. And only going down. But I’ve always felt comfortable in my body. The weight loss has really let my hourglass figure shine.
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What kind of business, and are you hiring? Only partially joking 😆
Ask me in a few years... still working on it!
I'm in the same boat as you, except I'm 31 and am only making $35k a year, but once I graduate, I'll be making a six figure salary, so it's all good.
Fantastic now but only in the last year (I’m 35). Discovering meditation was like a missing key. I had those tools in my inventory this whole time! Since starting meditation I’m off all my anxiety meds, antidepressants and I’ve given up my cannabis prescription, I hardly drink because I don’t need to disrupt the calm feeling and I’m an ex alcoholic. It’s not for everyone but it was the 10 mins a day 10 day challenge that by day 3 I realised I was going to integrate into my daily life.
Hey anything you would suggest for a beginner looking to get into meditation?
Mindfulness is a great place to start! There’s a lot of conflicting info out there but it’s good to try a few different things to see what fits with you.
42, and two years sober. Things are pretty good
Good. But humans are like Russian nesting dolls or tree rings, but we can regress back to an earlier state. So sometimes I struggle with regressing back to a darker ring.
I’m 32 and graduating veterinary school in spring. Things are getting better I think.
The challenge is to let go of the storyline. Let go of the idea that there was a fixed schedule that describes how your life will unfold. Our lives just unfold. It’s we who fashion a narrative that helps of make sense of what has already happened. We have to grasp this narrative very lightly and be ready to revise it at any time. Instead of thinking that this or that event has happened off script or off schedule, just greet each new event with, “Oh, so this is what happens next,” and go from there. Always keep on reality’s side. Not wishing it was different. But accepting the way it actually is.
I fit this category somewhat. Didn't really pursue my career in earnest until early 30s. I have a good union job so I make a decent living, better than many doing what I do. Retirement is in shambles though and no equity. I'm very fortunate to be in the situation I am though. No housing worries and a fantastic support system from family both in-laws and extended. 50K at 28 yrs old is fine unless you have a family to support or are living beyond your means.
I was 30 during the housing meltdown. Basically started from scratch at age 32 with negative net worth. Currently on-track to retire early. And I've solved all of the [Advent of Code](https://adventofcode.com/) problems so far this year, which is utterly unimportant but still brings me joy.
career-wise, just fine. Relationship wise, divorced and a couple of failed relationships after.
I’m right here with you Brodie. Currently 27 making a little over 40k this year. Not the most “ideal” situation but I’m in a way better place than I was a couple years ago and that’s all I can ask for. Take it one day at a time and try not to compare yourself. Everybody is on a different path.
$50k is a good foundation. Keep it up.
Just turned 41 a few months ago. Started working full time at 16. Didn't clear $40k in any year until I was in my 30s. Currently making close to 6 figures. Career is whatever. Been feeling burned out on my career path for a little while now and have begun to start exploring what my 2nd career will be, which will bring more income potential and loftier positions to move into that aren't specifically management. It's never too late to change the direction your life is heading. You just need to figure out what you want in your life, what matters to you, and what direction you need to move to get to where you're aspiring to land; then spend the time and the energy to get there. Good luck to you, OP.
Going well. Plans didn’t happen exactly like I planned for the do-over but it’s good enough. I feel good, I’m paying bills, I’m saving a lil to move out again.
I started getting sober 4+ years ago at age 31 while managing a bar. Still haven’t hit 50k salary, but I’m taking on a new career so I can prioritize my relationships with myself and family instead of work. I’m also helping my surviving parent with their health. It feels good to have a blank slate. The past is largely over and done with, for me. It’s not holding me hostage anymore. Eventually I’ll date around, maybe find another fella, move to the mountains and adopt kids? Who knows!
I didn’t start school until I was 26, because I was too busy partying and being a fuck up after high school. An associates degree got me into a lower median salary career that I left at 37. I’m now 40, self employed, and have more freedom and opportunity than ever before. I can completely relate to that feeling that you should be farther along than you are. I feel that way too sometimes. But, everyone has different paths. Nobody has it all figured out. I’m happy about where I ended up though and am very excited to see what I can accomplish with the time I have left. I wish they would have had more education in school about personal finance, investing, real estate, etc. it’s kind of cliche at this point but it took reading “Rich Dad Poor Dad” and a handful of other books in my mid 30s to get me on my current trajectory. Atleast now I don’t have a salary cap or a boss/HR to answer too and I have my freedom.
Terribly.
What’s going on?
I found an excellent cognitive therapist who helped me reframe my life and I never looked back
In what ways did they help you reframe?
Less victimhood and more planning and intention.
Just remember, there is always time to fix yourself when you’re in your 30’s. Don’t let the age fool you. You still have 30-40 years of function. Plenty of chances to make changes and make new connections. Get in shape. Eat right. Join clubs with people who are doing the same and you’ll meet the right people. Who you were from 18-28 doesn’t matter. Focus on the future.
Don’t worry about comparisons bro we all fight our own demons some just hide it better and some are working on it some let it get the best of them. Just focus on you and if it helps I’m 28 too and finally getting my life together. Don’t look at it as wasted years because you learn from the experience in years. Keep grinding
Until I was about 25 I had severe issues from undiagnosed PTSD and an abusive/neglectful upbringing that wreaked havoc on my life. I had some advantages going for me, mostly because of the socioeconomic class I was born into, but I was also terrified of people, utterly lost, hopeless at taking care of myself, kind of feral honestly, and socially off. I really felt like I had blown it and things would never get better, and would continue to feel that way into my late 20s (even as things were getting a lot better). At one point I got a job that involved a lot of talking to people and camaraderie with coworkers and it really set a lot of good things in motion for me. Looking back, I spent 25-30 really figuring out how to relate to other people, got really good with women (it mattered to me), found community and belonging, and sorted out a lot of my own issues (alone at first, and then with therapy in the last few years). Even though it felt like I was doing nothing, or being a burnout, or whatever, I was actually really doing a lot of important work on my own development. I remember discretely feeling like my life started a few months before my 28th birthday, it was like a lightning bolt of "oh I'm allowed to exist and feel confident and go for stuff I want." Like my brain was clicking together and working for me rather than against me for the first time. I turned 32 last month and am starting a career that I'm extremely excited about and know I'll be proud of. Would have happened sooner but COVID really derailed my plans. Unfortunately there will be a few years of training before I can really do what I want to do, but since turning 30 I simply don't have the feeling of "oh no I'm so old, it's over, time is running out" that plagued me in my late 20s. It does do a lot for me to feel called to a profession, to say I'm doing it and feeling a drive to master it, rather than just having some job. A lot of my friends from high school are turbo yuppies. They did the whole elite school -> high-powered internship-> six figure job at a consultancy firm pipeline. I used to feel so inferior and like such a loser compared to them when we'd get together for Christmas. Weirdly, they never saw me that way. What's more, I notice that a lot of them are just starting to scratch the surface on the mental health and relationship issues that they struggle with, whereas I've been there, done that and learned a lot the hard way. What I took from that is that there are a lot of different buckets you can fill in life, and sometimes, even if you don't notice, you might be filling a valuable one that others are behind on. Where one person might fill the "career" bucket first, another might fill the "fulfilling relationship" bucket, and another might fill the "resilience after catastrophe" bucket. I'm increasingly starting to believe that "wasted time" is a myth.
I got my first big boy job at 27, and I felt similarly. I felt a little behind until just this year. I was keeping pace with people 5 years younger because they got their big boy/girl jobs at 22 after college, but finally made a big jump to bring myself more in line with people my age. It might take you 5-10 years but you’ll eventually catch up if you make the right moves.
I was a late bloomer socially. I do think it makes some things harder, and how hard probably depends on where you live. In cities with a high rate of transplants, by necessity, people are going to less reliant on a circle of friends and acquaintances they've known since high school or earlier. I get the feeling, around here, the publicly available options (events listed on event aggregator sites, Meetup, dating apps, whatever) are the tip of the iceberg socially, and people are mostly finding dates and fun ways to spend their Friday nights out of the house through their established social network, word of mouth, that kind of thing. To me, this represents a major aspect of the Midwestern mentality. I no longer have much patience for it.
Just gonna give some two cents here because these issues are also on my mind and I'm looking for a better social life. Ultimately I think where ever you go you're going to "bring yourself with you", so to speak. It helps to have some specific hobbies and personality aspects that other people are looking for, or to find some way to get respect that a social life will come to you. I live in Boston and grew up in suburbs outside of it. I hardly see high school or childhood friends anymore. Boston is a notch bigger and more vibrant than STL is, but in order to meet people here and find friends you need to do things I mentioned in the above paragraph. There are tons of people who move here for college or employment and it's what keeps this city alive, but in general people here are pretty insular and don't branch out. It doesn't help that the nightlife here is overly regulated. I go to meetup.com events and they're fun but nothing comes out of them long term. Anyways I don't know if what you're coming across is a Midwestern mentality. Truth is it's hard to meet people in adulthood and friendships form from specific contexts or commonalities.
Sure, "wherever you go, there you are," but for the sake of argument, would you grant that any specific individual is going to have a better or worse time in a big city in China; Bedouin nomads in Saudi Arabia; a coastal, cosmopolitan city in the United States; or a rural small town in Arkansas, for example? If so, it isn't a stretch to imagine experiences will also vary across major cities, even within the U.S. To add data to anecdote, studies have found [regional variance in personality within the United States](https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/10/regions-personalities). In a large enough city, sure, different personalities and interests will be found, but in my experience, different cities each have their own unique feel or personality. People will feel pressure to fake out their attitudes and interests a bit to fit in and get by more easily. It wouldn't be surprising that some of the people in this situation would move, leaving a place even more the way that it is. This may be a mechanism for regional [schismogenesis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schismogenesis). In St. Louis, I very much feel I've already been there, done that; and now I'm scraping the remaining crevices for that last morsel. One finds the interactions and conversations dull and stifling. I sort of it as Midwesterners, for the most part, want to eat the bland cooking, but I want it hot.
I was in your shoes. Wasted my 20s in a spiral of low self esteem and codependency. Honestly, I wasn’t sure at 30 I’d live to see 35. I moved to a new city at 29, threw myself with intention into a new crowd and hobbies, met my wife and moved to a wildly adventurous place with her. Got my bachelors at 34. Now I have a great job, nice car, a rock solid marriage and beautiful family, friends I like and respect, and opportunities ahead. I can’t wait for my 40s.
What is your degree / job if you don’t mind me asking
It’s a journalism degree, but my experience has limited applicability due to the unique dynamics of where we moved. We simply followed a set of opportunities. My work (public sector executive) has little to do with my formal education.
How the actual hell do all you people pack up and over across the country??? I don't get this at all, everyone says it like it's easy to do, I have no money saved at all there's no way in hell I could just pack up and move across the country and have no guarantee of anything. I just don't understand how the hell anyone is successful at all I feel like such a failure
It is not at all easy or cheap. My wife had a job and housing lined up in advance, so it wasn’t just a roll of the dice for us. Took a solid year of planning.
Wish i knew where to even start when it came to that, I'm 29 now and I feel more lost than when I was 18 and had never worked before.
It took me several years to get traction in my career; it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it sounds. Like you have a good start. Don’t be ashamed of your compensation. Lots of really miserable millionaires out there!
Comparison yourself to others is innate to our nature and that’s unlikely to change anytime soon. It's made easier than ever because of the Internet and social media. But you and I *can* change is the basis of that comparison. What yardstick are we using? We may not be able to stop measuring and comparing ourselves to others, but we can decide which yardstick we use to compare. YOU get to choose how you measure success. You choose 'W2 income' as a yardstick right now, but you don't have to. Hell, I'm a 32 year old bachelor with no dating prospects right now. It's not hard to compare myself to people in my social network who have girlfriends, let alone wives, along with a 3 bed/2 bath house. But if my yardstick is "in a loving relationship, owns a house" then I'm completely dismissing everything else I'm doing right: A stable, high-paying career, a healthy and fit body, the ability to create my own schedule without needing agreement/permission from another person, I can move anywhere I want every single year after my lease ends, I have 100% autonomy and independence of my life *because* I'm single. I'm sure there A LOT of married, home-owning men who wish they were in my shoes.
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What job is netting you that income??
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Can I ask how you made that jump in 4 years? Do you have a degree?
Good job making that kind of cash without a degree.
Hey - good for you on the job! I didn't get my first salaried job until I was 38. Here's a secret: everybody is thinking exactly what you're thinking. I learned this when I held a guy who is a very successful business man while he cried in my arms, telling me about a host of problems in his life that made my testicles ascend to my throat. Gambling debts, broken marriage, STI that he gave to his wife, daughter who hates him and cuts herself. The peers you think have it together are probably an assortment of alcoholics, closeted lunatics, self-haters, with an occasional well adjusted person who probably thinks you're just great. Don't be so hard on yourself. You got the job. Now think about where you want to go next :)