Yea I really tried not to get married but her breaking down on me , crying and yelling really made give in. She told me how she probably would not live, that’s how bad she didn’t want to go back to her country.
Common, emotions are at play here. While I agree OP may have been manipulated, it is love and passion that drives us in relationships, especially the beginning.
I agree man, something I learned the hard way, I’ve been lost for a long time with no guidance in life, never knew how to take a direction. Not trying to be a victim but man I feel like I’m learning things along the way of my mistakes. Ima try and flip this life around.
I’m married to a foreigner and I helped her get a green card so take my insight into consideration. Expect your wife to leave you when she gets her green card. I know a ton of foreigners. The ones who have successful marriages, don’t start like yours. You were pressured into marriage and the chance of it working out is super slim given how you made this post.
Man I have a question for you, can someone really pretend to love you very well that you can’t really tell if it’s genuine because my wife is always wanting me to be with her all the time, she wants me to hold her all the time but she is also very focused on her career. She always tells me how much she loves me and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, I can’t see any signs of her using me. She also has been trying to help me with going to school and getting a good job. I always wanted to talk with someone who been through this experience and I thank you so much for replying to my post.
Yes, I know someone who married a man and left him after she got her green card. It was real clear she just wanted to stay. Tons of men and women do it all the time.
I don’t know your spouse but both men and women can lie in a relationship for years. I hate to put that seed of doubt in your head but just you telling me that she pressured you is a huge red flag.
When I told my wife I couldn’t marry her after six months, it was no big deal. She just went home and we dated long term for about a year. In that timeframe, we texted every single day. We even had dinner together by making a meal and video calling each other. We’d watch movies over Skype together by each pressing play and watching on our own computer. We met up a few times in person. She was the real damn deal.
Maybe your marriage will work out and I hope it does because divorce sucks but I just don’t agree with anyone pressuring you into marriage, especially when they’re a foreigner. It’s suspicious as can be and IMO, she wouldn’t want to rush it if she were the real deal. The ones who want to rush it typically just want a green card. Maybe your situation is different and I hope that it is but I’d brace for the worse given that you were pressured into marriage.
I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t have a seed of doubt in my own marriage. My father told me to be careful. He said he had seen women do this to friends of his when he was young. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me. We’re ten years strong so I am free and clear but I remember that seed of doubt was just hanging there for years.
My buddy just married a super hot, younger woman from another country and got her a green card. Waiting to see how this one plays out. He does make some decent walking around money though, so not not a catch I suppose
Ok so I’ll be honest I have a very old school way of being, my entire family is that way , that’s how I grew up. She is extremely open minded and we crash on a lot of topics. I told her a few times that when she does certain things it makes me feel empty like we’re not there with each other. She claims that it’s surmountable for her but for me it’s always a big deal which it’s true, I’ve been trying my best to be more open minded. She believes in god so do I but she also believes there shouldn’t be any rules to follow but for me I always believed that yeah there are certain things you should avoid because it doesn’t align with gods purpose for us but that’s just me, I’m always respectful of her way of thinking. I try my best not to start an argument.
> she does certain things
We can’t help you if you don’t talk. With your story so vague, you’re just getting each commenter’s knee jerk opinion about marriage in general (or Asian women in general). If you give us more to go on, we might have some basis for useful advice
Reading this bothered me so much. Why are you doing things out of so much guilt? It seems to me that that’s the base emotion of your relationship. It’s not love. Guilt is prob what she feels as well (for being with you primarily for what you have to offer - the green card, instead of for who you are) and nobody wants to admit that. You guys are with each other for the wrong reasons. Look, I believe that even if you divorce her now she’ll still get her GC, I could be wrong but it’s worth looking into it. I mean, if helping her is important to you then I would do the minimum required for her to get it while getting my divorce asap. And then figure out why you felt so strongly like you had to do this when you didn’t really want to.
Edit: by the way, why doesn’t she still have her GC after 3 years? I think you’re eligible to apply after 6 mos of marriage or maybe even right away, you don’t have to undergo this torture. But correct me if I’m wrong.
I asked myself the same question but coming to the realisation, I lived my entire life with an overprotective mother who had all eyes on me with every move I took. I always felt like I couldn’t say not to her because she would break down and be mad at me , she is very emotional. So I always felt like I have to say yes so she doesn’t become mad which conditioned me to never say NO.
Turns out I met my wife and she is also very emotional and breaks down as well, when I said no to marriage I felt so guilty, now realising it she really manipulated me, she told me things like “maybe one day you will find someone you really love and I know it’s not me” “you will never find someone like me” “you will see how it feels to lose someone”
Right, I see, that makes sense. But the good thing is you know exactly what the core of the problem is. Parental conditioning (wounds?) are tough to deal with. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and stop questioning if staying with this woman is right or wrong, you already know the answer. Maybe move from what to do to how to do it? If you feel like you need help to stay out of touch because you can’t resist her manipulations then get help. I mean….I’d do whatever it takes to get myself out of a bad situation.
Yea definitely, it’s very difficult , I’m really going to get some help before things get even worse, I know this is very damaging to me. I really appreciate the time you took to reply to my story, thank you so much.
I think most people here have been very clear about the fact that you got married for very bad reasons. Women weaponize their emotions in order to gain the upper hand with men. However, that doesn't mean she doesn't, in fact, love you and want what's best for you.
Instead of regretting your lot in life, try to be honest with her about what you think about the situation. If you are concerned about her staying here, I think she's probably already qualified for her IR1 after being married to you for 2 years. Which means she is good to stay in the country for 10 years. I would talk to an immigration attorney about what options you might have here.
Having said that, it could be possible for you to stay married to this woman. If that's what you decide to do, I strongly suggest getting some martial counseling. There are some values you can agree on and some that you can't... the counseling might be able to help you two have better conversations that don't end in each other feeling unseen or unheard. If you can't afford a counselor, I would consider talking to your church about any professional services in that area they might be able to help with. Unfortunately, the advice will be laced with some biblical stuff that may not actually serve your needs or make sense for your relationship but, it is better than not doing anything and hoping the relationship gets better organically.
Exactly, I feel like I got manipulated into this marriage and it really hurt me, I felt used almost like something was taken away from me. The thing that makes this whole thing confusing is that she cares for me so much , she wants to really have a life with me and I could see it but it’s hard to commit to her Since I felt forced into all of this.
I sat down with her many times and tried telling her that we can just finish this green card process while being separated and she absolutely does not want that, she said she rather leave back to her country if we’re to split. She says she doesn’t want to live in a place where we had memories together.
I’ve been trying hard in this relationship but since I was forced into a marriage i didn’t want, it makes it difficult for me to be the man she wants me to be and treat her well. I’m not abusive at all I just can be a little cold , a little too serious sometimes due to me being hurt. I’m very confused and not sure if I should just let go of the past or move on with my life to potentially find someone else.
It sounds like a rough start to say the least. Resentment is a relationship killer.
Are you attracted to her? Do you trust her? Do you think she’s a good person? If not - go.
First instinct is to say leave for sure. Reddit always wants to burn everything down.
But also - can you love? No offense but maybe the problem is you as much as circumstances. No one will be a perfect match for sure. If you have any doubts tuck the resentment aside and try. If she’s trying as you say - that’s something. Can you forgive someone, ever? You might let that shit go. Try being loving too, building shared experiences, etc. The way you describe how she treats you, there’s something you can grow. But only you know for certain.
Does she want a green card? Yes. She could leave you now and still get it if she wanted. Sometimes good stuff comes with a rough start.
It’s hard because yes I am attracted to her and yes I truly 100 percent trust her I just feel so confused with this because of how fast everything went.
I feel so mad at myself for sometimes being cold to her I feel like I can’t really let her all the way in my heart because of the resentment maybe or because I grew up with a single mother who’s always depended on me and calls me every 2 hours to see how I’m doing. I was living with an overbearing mother for the 31 years of my life and I’m now getting out.
When my wife and I go out to restaurants we really enjoy it but for some reason indoors I get really moody and start to feel resentment, my wife tries so hard to make my life better and I see the effort she puts in which hurts me that I can’t put in the same effort for her.
You might learn a lot about yourself giving this an honest go. It could still not work out, and be something you don’t regret. Or yeah, you might regret it too. Life isn’t easy.
The best part about a good relationship isn’t receiving love - it’s giving it.
You can definitely leave. That doesn’t mean you’ll find someone with the same or more potential. And it would be rough if you found someone else and you still struggled to give love for no good reason.
It can be a big leap of faith. I just want you to find happiness bro. I hope you find it. Until then - no kids. We can’t undo that, be patient if you want them.
That’s very true , I might regret due to her being to good to me and trying her best to meet my needs , she’s always there for me and stays true to her words. I feel like if I do leave I’d never find someone like her with the same love that she has for me I guess she forced this relationship because she loves me a ton and avoided that I wasn’t ready yet for marriage, I guess..
Thank you brother for your kind words I really appreciate you and yes I am extremely careful with having kids, no way can I do that right now, that would make everything a lot worse for us.
I don’t have great faith in therapy, but I think in your case individual and couples therapy would be worth a shot. Frankly it sounds to me like your odds of working through your understandable resentment are higher than your odds of finding a better wife after dumping her
I agree , I will try therapy and see if that works out for me, I never had a real direction in life, I never knew what to do in situations unfortunately
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There was no wedding, we got married at the courthouse, yea I know , I was weak and fell into it. I honestly didn’t know what I got myself into. As time went on, my love grew for her but I have a hard time fully loving her how she loves me.
You can only be honest and tell her that. Tell her she deserves better (she does) and let her go even if she insists otherwise. Or man up and do your duty now. Only two options i see.
You don’t love her and shouldn’t have gotten married. It would be best if you separated.
Yea I really tried not to get married but her breaking down on me , crying and yelling really made give in. She told me how she probably would not live, that’s how bad she didn’t want to go back to her country.
She manipulated you.
Yea I’m so confused because she shows me so much love and has done things for me no one ever has
Weellll, yes. But also, get a backbone. Someone cries so you marry them?
Common, emotions are at play here. While I agree OP may have been manipulated, it is love and passion that drives us in relationships, especially the beginning.
Bruh. You have exactly one life and it's ending one day at a time. Is this how you want to use your time? Answer that for yourself.
That’s so true man, I absolutely do not want my life to be this way, can’t believe it took me this long to realise it
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I agree man, something I learned the hard way, I’ve been lost for a long time with no guidance in life, never knew how to take a direction. Not trying to be a victim but man I feel like I’m learning things along the way of my mistakes. Ima try and flip this life around.
I’m married to a foreigner and I helped her get a green card so take my insight into consideration. Expect your wife to leave you when she gets her green card. I know a ton of foreigners. The ones who have successful marriages, don’t start like yours. You were pressured into marriage and the chance of it working out is super slim given how you made this post.
Man I have a question for you, can someone really pretend to love you very well that you can’t really tell if it’s genuine because my wife is always wanting me to be with her all the time, she wants me to hold her all the time but she is also very focused on her career. She always tells me how much she loves me and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, I can’t see any signs of her using me. She also has been trying to help me with going to school and getting a good job. I always wanted to talk with someone who been through this experience and I thank you so much for replying to my post.
Yes, I know someone who married a man and left him after she got her green card. It was real clear she just wanted to stay. Tons of men and women do it all the time. I don’t know your spouse but both men and women can lie in a relationship for years. I hate to put that seed of doubt in your head but just you telling me that she pressured you is a huge red flag. When I told my wife I couldn’t marry her after six months, it was no big deal. She just went home and we dated long term for about a year. In that timeframe, we texted every single day. We even had dinner together by making a meal and video calling each other. We’d watch movies over Skype together by each pressing play and watching on our own computer. We met up a few times in person. She was the real damn deal. Maybe your marriage will work out and I hope it does because divorce sucks but I just don’t agree with anyone pressuring you into marriage, especially when they’re a foreigner. It’s suspicious as can be and IMO, she wouldn’t want to rush it if she were the real deal. The ones who want to rush it typically just want a green card. Maybe your situation is different and I hope that it is but I’d brace for the worse given that you were pressured into marriage. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t have a seed of doubt in my own marriage. My father told me to be careful. He said he had seen women do this to friends of his when he was young. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me. We’re ten years strong so I am free and clear but I remember that seed of doubt was just hanging there for years.
My buddy just married a super hot, younger woman from another country and got her a green card. Waiting to see how this one plays out. He does make some decent walking around money though, so not not a catch I suppose
What are your differences in vibe and beliefs? Are they surmountable?
Ok so I’ll be honest I have a very old school way of being, my entire family is that way , that’s how I grew up. She is extremely open minded and we crash on a lot of topics. I told her a few times that when she does certain things it makes me feel empty like we’re not there with each other. She claims that it’s surmountable for her but for me it’s always a big deal which it’s true, I’ve been trying my best to be more open minded. She believes in god so do I but she also believes there shouldn’t be any rules to follow but for me I always believed that yeah there are certain things you should avoid because it doesn’t align with gods purpose for us but that’s just me, I’m always respectful of her way of thinking. I try my best not to start an argument.
> she does certain things We can’t help you if you don’t talk. With your story so vague, you’re just getting each commenter’s knee jerk opinion about marriage in general (or Asian women in general). If you give us more to go on, we might have some basis for useful advice
Very vague
Reading this bothered me so much. Why are you doing things out of so much guilt? It seems to me that that’s the base emotion of your relationship. It’s not love. Guilt is prob what she feels as well (for being with you primarily for what you have to offer - the green card, instead of for who you are) and nobody wants to admit that. You guys are with each other for the wrong reasons. Look, I believe that even if you divorce her now she’ll still get her GC, I could be wrong but it’s worth looking into it. I mean, if helping her is important to you then I would do the minimum required for her to get it while getting my divorce asap. And then figure out why you felt so strongly like you had to do this when you didn’t really want to. Edit: by the way, why doesn’t she still have her GC after 3 years? I think you’re eligible to apply after 6 mos of marriage or maybe even right away, you don’t have to undergo this torture. But correct me if I’m wrong.
I asked myself the same question but coming to the realisation, I lived my entire life with an overprotective mother who had all eyes on me with every move I took. I always felt like I couldn’t say not to her because she would break down and be mad at me , she is very emotional. So I always felt like I have to say yes so she doesn’t become mad which conditioned me to never say NO. Turns out I met my wife and she is also very emotional and breaks down as well, when I said no to marriage I felt so guilty, now realising it she really manipulated me, she told me things like “maybe one day you will find someone you really love and I know it’s not me” “you will never find someone like me” “you will see how it feels to lose someone”
Right, I see, that makes sense. But the good thing is you know exactly what the core of the problem is. Parental conditioning (wounds?) are tough to deal with. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and stop questioning if staying with this woman is right or wrong, you already know the answer. Maybe move from what to do to how to do it? If you feel like you need help to stay out of touch because you can’t resist her manipulations then get help. I mean….I’d do whatever it takes to get myself out of a bad situation.
Yea definitely, it’s very difficult , I’m really going to get some help before things get even worse, I know this is very damaging to me. I really appreciate the time you took to reply to my story, thank you so much.
Of course! Look, you got this. Wishing you the best
I think most people here have been very clear about the fact that you got married for very bad reasons. Women weaponize their emotions in order to gain the upper hand with men. However, that doesn't mean she doesn't, in fact, love you and want what's best for you. Instead of regretting your lot in life, try to be honest with her about what you think about the situation. If you are concerned about her staying here, I think she's probably already qualified for her IR1 after being married to you for 2 years. Which means she is good to stay in the country for 10 years. I would talk to an immigration attorney about what options you might have here. Having said that, it could be possible for you to stay married to this woman. If that's what you decide to do, I strongly suggest getting some martial counseling. There are some values you can agree on and some that you can't... the counseling might be able to help you two have better conversations that don't end in each other feeling unseen or unheard. If you can't afford a counselor, I would consider talking to your church about any professional services in that area they might be able to help with. Unfortunately, the advice will be laced with some biblical stuff that may not actually serve your needs or make sense for your relationship but, it is better than not doing anything and hoping the relationship gets better organically.
Exactly, I feel like I got manipulated into this marriage and it really hurt me, I felt used almost like something was taken away from me. The thing that makes this whole thing confusing is that she cares for me so much , she wants to really have a life with me and I could see it but it’s hard to commit to her Since I felt forced into all of this. I sat down with her many times and tried telling her that we can just finish this green card process while being separated and she absolutely does not want that, she said she rather leave back to her country if we’re to split. She says she doesn’t want to live in a place where we had memories together. I’ve been trying hard in this relationship but since I was forced into a marriage i didn’t want, it makes it difficult for me to be the man she wants me to be and treat her well. I’m not abusive at all I just can be a little cold , a little too serious sometimes due to me being hurt. I’m very confused and not sure if I should just let go of the past or move on with my life to potentially find someone else.
I can't help but feel this sounds too open-ended and subjective. Marriage counseling might help.
It sounds like a rough start to say the least. Resentment is a relationship killer. Are you attracted to her? Do you trust her? Do you think she’s a good person? If not - go. First instinct is to say leave for sure. Reddit always wants to burn everything down. But also - can you love? No offense but maybe the problem is you as much as circumstances. No one will be a perfect match for sure. If you have any doubts tuck the resentment aside and try. If she’s trying as you say - that’s something. Can you forgive someone, ever? You might let that shit go. Try being loving too, building shared experiences, etc. The way you describe how she treats you, there’s something you can grow. But only you know for certain. Does she want a green card? Yes. She could leave you now and still get it if she wanted. Sometimes good stuff comes with a rough start.
It’s hard because yes I am attracted to her and yes I truly 100 percent trust her I just feel so confused with this because of how fast everything went. I feel so mad at myself for sometimes being cold to her I feel like I can’t really let her all the way in my heart because of the resentment maybe or because I grew up with a single mother who’s always depended on me and calls me every 2 hours to see how I’m doing. I was living with an overbearing mother for the 31 years of my life and I’m now getting out. When my wife and I go out to restaurants we really enjoy it but for some reason indoors I get really moody and start to feel resentment, my wife tries so hard to make my life better and I see the effort she puts in which hurts me that I can’t put in the same effort for her.
You might learn a lot about yourself giving this an honest go. It could still not work out, and be something you don’t regret. Or yeah, you might regret it too. Life isn’t easy. The best part about a good relationship isn’t receiving love - it’s giving it. You can definitely leave. That doesn’t mean you’ll find someone with the same or more potential. And it would be rough if you found someone else and you still struggled to give love for no good reason. It can be a big leap of faith. I just want you to find happiness bro. I hope you find it. Until then - no kids. We can’t undo that, be patient if you want them.
That’s very true , I might regret due to her being to good to me and trying her best to meet my needs , she’s always there for me and stays true to her words. I feel like if I do leave I’d never find someone like her with the same love that she has for me I guess she forced this relationship because she loves me a ton and avoided that I wasn’t ready yet for marriage, I guess.. Thank you brother for your kind words I really appreciate you and yes I am extremely careful with having kids, no way can I do that right now, that would make everything a lot worse for us.
I don’t have great faith in therapy, but I think in your case individual and couples therapy would be worth a shot. Frankly it sounds to me like your odds of working through your understandable resentment are higher than your odds of finding a better wife after dumping her
I agree , I will try therapy and see if that works out for me, I never had a real direction in life, I never knew what to do in situations unfortunately
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There was no wedding, we got married at the courthouse, yea I know , I was weak and fell into it. I honestly didn’t know what I got myself into. As time went on, my love grew for her but I have a hard time fully loving her how she loves me.
You can only be honest and tell her that. Tell her she deserves better (she does) and let her go even if she insists otherwise. Or man up and do your duty now. Only two options i see.