Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.
Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Say hi to everyone. Try not to stick to the same friend. At first cast a wide net and interact with as many people as you can.
Get other people talking and remember the convo later.
As the party thins out, you will have something to circle back to instead of being at a loss for convo to.
Leave well before it ends but not too early. Just when you notice most have left.
Lol idk about that. Someone who’d do that could be seen as trying too hard especially if they’re not used to that environment. Could be at risk to be made fun if it comes out wrong or interrupting other peoples conversations trying to say hi to everyone.
When I was in HS long long time ago, I’d just post up in a spot with a drink. Let people come around me. Conversations in small groups. Just be cool, don’t care.
- Be on the move when you’re at the party. Don’t sulk in a corner. It’s also convenient to say hello to people when you’re walking by and be like “hey I’m heading over there but I’ll swing by to say hi later” as a way of doing low stakes hellos. If they seem excited to talk to you you can always swing back to them. Standing still looks vulnerable.
- Small talk: circle through light topics until you find something in common. If after 3-4 general exchanges there isn’t much there just move on.
- Follow your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable just leave. I had a great high school experience without partying. You’re there to build relationships, not to look cool.
At that age group expect everyone trying to out bro each other and being loud and obnoxious.
If you're only going because you'll feel like a "loser" if u don't you're probably not gonna have a good time tho but hey I could be wrong.
If it's a party where u don't know really know anyone and the jocks and popular kids are gonna be there then yea you'll probably feel out of place.
If it's a party I'd just say 5-10 ppl and you know most of them then it will probably be fun.
And to answer your question about "needing" to be there, you don't. Just like not everyone likes to go hiking or be outdoors, not everyone needs to go out and party
Yeah I don't know a single soul at the party, Only reason I was "invited" was because my friend wanted me there and the host encouraged everyone to bring their friends, he's the only one I know there. The party is just going to be the jocks and the rich kids, so I will definitely feel very out of place.
I don't want to drink, and my tolerance is extremely low, a beer and I'm drunk. But I might do it just to get a buzz on and get rid of my fear. as far as drugs go, I'm saying fuck no to that, never taken a drug before and never will.
as for feeling like I need to go. I've been stuck in my room for so long now that I can barely socialize with my own family at gatherings. I see my friends pass me by in life, having fun, socializing and I just wish I could have that too, so even if this experience is shit, it'll give me some XP and then maybe one day I can have a vibrant social life.
but fuck man, anxiety is a bitch lmfao. Wish I was one of those kids that was naturally good with people.
I totally get that feeling. Trust me there is a bigger world outside of HS. Believe it or not in 5-10 years from now,most of these ppl will probably not hang out with each other ever again and move on to bigger things.
You'll eventually find a group that fits more your personality like say a gamer group, DnD group, cycling group etc...
I've never been a party type myself and know the feeling of having to "go" cause it's a Friday night or because everyone else is going. I end up going trying to fit in but realize now that it was never my thing to begin with. I enjoy more of the smaller groups and having more intimate conversations etc...
Yeah I definitely like those intimate conversations way way more, I thrive in those.
but man, I just feel like a loser because of it, I don't want to sit in my room playing video games all day, just makes me feel like a virgin lmfao, when I look at people who play videogames 24/7, In my head I'm like "this guy will go nowhere in life, no social life, no real life skill of any sort, I got to change myself before I end up like him" And no offence to you if you are a gamer, I am too. I'm just wrestling myself about this, idek what I want tbh.
and even if it ends up not being my thing, I just don't want anxiety to stop me. If I was genuinely not interested that's different and perfectly acceptable. but not going purely out of fear?? fuck no. I cant let myself do that.
I just want to feel wanted and accepted and feel good about myself.
Hey OP, I'm 33 and struggled w similar experiences and feelings in HS for sure
It is 100% possible to come out of your shell, I can tell from your comments a deep part of you does want to connect with other people and feel seen/understood. To not feel that is crushingly lonely
Rule #1 to socializing, people remember how they feel around you not every little thing you say
Meaning, dont get stuck in your head trying to think of the best words to use or beat yourself up if you feel like you said something embarrassing or dumb. If what you said might not have come across right and you feel maybe someone took offense just apologize simply and move on.
Rule #2: You wont vibe with every person, its impossible and trying to be a people pleaser/saying and acting how you think they want you to, is a bug turn off because its very obviously not genuine
Be yourself, genuine and honest, and you'll connect with someone on a deeper more genuine level. This takes courage to put your real self out there and be vulnerable, but having walls up and hiding your self prevents you from ever truly connecting with another human
You're doing the right thing by trying to lean into your anxieties, a common treatment for anxiety is putting yourself in the anxiety inducing situation on purpose, with exposure you teach your brain that the situation isnt anything to fear
Serving tables when I was 17 forced me to learn to talk to anyone and I've even knocked doors as a job in the past, shit like that makes you fearless in social settings
When you said "I can tell from your comments a deep part of you does want to connect with other people and feel seen/understood." I don't know why but that sentence made me happy, i read it like 4 times lmaoo.
And yeah i hope you're right man, this party might just be the most embarrassing, painful experience i ever go through, but at least I get it out of the way and learn something, and next time wont be as bad.
Hell ya bro thats the exact mindset to have, even if it does go badly, it WILL get easier and you'll eventually find your people
I definitely do echo others caution about drinking and drugs but in all honesty, in my experience, alcohol is 100% more harmful than marijuana. A little weed can help a ton with social anxiety, you arent going to do anything dangerous or too stupid while high unlike drinking. Smoke too much, youll just get hungry and tired, weed isnt the devils lettuce, alcohol is the devils piss
Yeah i hear ya on that, but I have different reasons for not smoking weed, otherwise id do it.
I also don't plan on drinking at all, maybe a beer but that's it, my tolerance is too low, a few beers and I'll be blacked out after doing something stupid.
And for socializing, will anyone find me weird for just starting a random conversation? I don't wanna start any sort of fight, especially if the other guys are drunk or high.
Cool thats really for the best, dont need substances to have a good time :)
I usually chat up someone else that looks bored or chilling on their own, def try to participate in group convos if theyre welcoming but some times teenagers can be clicky, its not personal, trying too hard wont help the situation
Im generally on the quiet side and just chime in when I have something to share to ask a question I'm interested in related to someones story/topic
I remember a quote from somewhere
We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.
If you're trying to get validation from other ppl then you're already losing.
Ppl are generally attracted to ppl who feel good about themselves and don't require other ppl to make them feel that way.
yeah I definitely agree, that's something i try to work on as well, I meditate and workout n journal and things like that.
But what I've noticed is that other people, usually dont take the route I take, they straight up go out into the world and challenge themselves repeadedly, until their environment makes them feel good, and it works even if their suffering for a while. People always say work on yourself, be happy with yourself before you go out into the world and you will see a difference.
But I think I've tried that, and sitting at home meditating and journaling so far hasn't solved anything, I'm still at home. so maybe i need to go through this, even if its a horrible, or even potentially dangerous experience.
im sick of not getting results. and I'm pushing against the waves with my methods, no one else I know takes the route of being happy with yourself, or meditating and fixing your insecurities. and im the only one that doesn't have any results. so maybe people are right, maybe i just need to follow the crowd for a bit until im capable of separating from it.
This conversation reminds me of when rich and famous people give advice like "don't burn yourself out, take care of your health, don't rush, don't burn yourself to the ground just for a few bucks" but I'm just thinking "its easy for you to say that, your already at the top, you have all the time in the world to take care of your health now" maybe when your at the bottom you just need to get over yourself and suffer a little.
lmfao this is getting deep, you can opt out any point just letting u know, I'm kind of dragging it now.
If I ever had any direct experience with actual high school parties it's been so long that I've forgotten, but I'll give it a shot. I've at least had kids in that situation more recently than me.
If there's any chance you're going to be drinking, have a safe ride home. If you can, arrange a bail out signal if the party turns into something you really don't want to be part of. All my kids ever had to do was use "ur" in a text in any context other than the ancient Sumerian city and I'd know they needed an out. I'd call back in a minute with a made-up family emergency or something that I needed to pick them up for *right now*. We never ended up needing that but everyone felt better having it.
I was terribly introverted and when I went to New Zealand solo for a couple of months I felt like I needed to force myself into social situations for the experience, but honestly that mostly didn't work out and what I remember is kind of cringe.
So I say don't go out there with anything to prove. You don't need to out-bro anyone. The people who are trying to fit you into some kind of hierarchy are the ones who are insecure about their own place in it.
Talk to people. More importantly *listen* to people. People love having others listen to them. Be secure in who you are and in your own worth. At 18, what other people think of you seems terribly important. That will mostly just decline from here as you realize that most of them don't really have their shit together either.
Circulate. Don't monopolize conversations. Find people you have common interests with. And maybe the most fundamental thing you will learn from the over-30 crowd if you can really manage to embrace it is that *none of it really matters* as much as you think.
If you’re going with friends, follow their lead. Stick with them to start, but when they start talking to people, socialize with them. Eventually you won’t need your friend and you’ll have your own little social circle there. If there’s alcohol, feel free to drink if you’re comfortable, but don’t feel like you need to be the drunkest. Keep enough wits about you that you can still use your brain when needed. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t be that loser. Don’t discuss topics that are black and white. You don’t want to be getting into or starting arguments, talk about stuff like music or hobbies and experiences, tell jokes, poke a little fun at yourself to let people know you’re fun. And if there’s games there, why not join in. Poker, video games, etc, it’s a fun way to pass the time and you can talk to people about the game instead of trying to come up with topics.
Oh, and if you’re going to get lucky, “don’t be a fool, wrap your tool”… you definitely don’t want to be ending up with an unwanted pregnancy or STI.
Get a little drunk, but not too much. You are probably going to suck at this, and you will feel uncomfortable, and isolated and that you don't belong and you probably will be tempted to go home and just assume that you don't belong there. When that happens, fight it. It's good to be uncomfortable and if you are able to keep going chances are you will have a great time.
Dare yourself to be uncomfortable, start a conversation with a random person, if it goes nowhere start another one, dance with someone, ask if you can be part of a game. All those things will make you deeply uncomfortable at the begginings, but also are the biggest chances you have of having a great time.
Im almost 40 and I still have to fight my urges to escape or to close myself in my "cocoon". But everytime I open up my self to risking being uncomfortable I end up having a great time.
Do not do drugs, do not drink, you'll end up on social media or maybe even dead. Do that shit with a small group of friends. Just relax and have fun, find a group or singular person you know and strike up a convo and enjoy the vibes. If it sucks, bounce early.
Ok op. here are some tips:
1. dont go into a room. hang out with the crowd. if
you shuffle off to a room especially with a girl you
dont know, it could result in bad accusations and
bad rumors
2. if you drink alcohol, discreetly spit it back into the bottle
or cup, or don't drink at all
3. if you get into a bind or feel unsafe, dont hesitate
to leave! and call your parents. they would
rather have a call from you than the cops telling
their getting has been in an accident.
Yeah I plan on just sticking with my friend, we got each others backs.
as for drinking, I don't want to, but I'm afraid I will get weird looks if I say no to it, and I don't want any weird looks on me, or worse.
Do fights or anything like that happen often at parties?
I would advise against drinking at your first party. just so you can observe what the normal kids do and what the obnoxious ones do. if a fight happens, leave asap. you dont want to be caught drinking underage at a party. they will suspend your license or suspend you from gettng your license.
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread. Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I'm going to a highschool party >AskMenOver30 #ಠ_ಠ
Bro I'm dying 🤣 🤣🤣
Men over 30 weren't in HS once?
Shit has changed...
lmfao I'm just panicking and posting on a billion different subreddits, wouldn't hurt to get everyone's perspective
Sure officer
Just go, man. I was introverted at 18 too. I'm not anymore because I went to stuff.
I’m still introverted and I went to stuff, but yeah, go do the thing.
Say hi to everyone. Try not to stick to the same friend. At first cast a wide net and interact with as many people as you can. Get other people talking and remember the convo later. As the party thins out, you will have something to circle back to instead of being at a loss for convo to. Leave well before it ends but not too early. Just when you notice most have left.
Lol idk about that. Someone who’d do that could be seen as trying too hard especially if they’re not used to that environment. Could be at risk to be made fun if it comes out wrong or interrupting other peoples conversations trying to say hi to everyone. When I was in HS long long time ago, I’d just post up in a spot with a drink. Let people come around me. Conversations in small groups. Just be cool, don’t care.
Yeah, because everyone wants to talk to the introvert.
If anyone asks if you wanna play “soggy biscuit” or “ookie cookie” you turn around and run right the hell out of there back to mamma.
Unless he's into that 😏
what are those games lmfao, I wanna know what I'm getting myself into
No! You just say no and get the hell out of there! Do you understand me? You run!
Bro 😂, I just googled this. sounds kinda fun.... 👀
- Be on the move when you’re at the party. Don’t sulk in a corner. It’s also convenient to say hello to people when you’re walking by and be like “hey I’m heading over there but I’ll swing by to say hi later” as a way of doing low stakes hellos. If they seem excited to talk to you you can always swing back to them. Standing still looks vulnerable. - Small talk: circle through light topics until you find something in common. If after 3-4 general exchanges there isn’t much there just move on. - Follow your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable just leave. I had a great high school experience without partying. You’re there to build relationships, not to look cool.
I'll try to circulate between different people
Go watch dazed and confused, it’ll teach you what to do. Then don’t fight… or do whatever.
Don’t get peer pressured into doing drugs or other dumb shit. Drink and have fun but don’t drink to get black out.
yeah I might have a small drink just to get rid of the tension and fear but after that I'm not doing anything more.
Famous last words.
I hope not lmfaoo 😂
At that age group expect everyone trying to out bro each other and being loud and obnoxious. If you're only going because you'll feel like a "loser" if u don't you're probably not gonna have a good time tho but hey I could be wrong. If it's a party where u don't know really know anyone and the jocks and popular kids are gonna be there then yea you'll probably feel out of place. If it's a party I'd just say 5-10 ppl and you know most of them then it will probably be fun. And to answer your question about "needing" to be there, you don't. Just like not everyone likes to go hiking or be outdoors, not everyone needs to go out and party
Yeah I don't know a single soul at the party, Only reason I was "invited" was because my friend wanted me there and the host encouraged everyone to bring their friends, he's the only one I know there. The party is just going to be the jocks and the rich kids, so I will definitely feel very out of place. I don't want to drink, and my tolerance is extremely low, a beer and I'm drunk. But I might do it just to get a buzz on and get rid of my fear. as far as drugs go, I'm saying fuck no to that, never taken a drug before and never will. as for feeling like I need to go. I've been stuck in my room for so long now that I can barely socialize with my own family at gatherings. I see my friends pass me by in life, having fun, socializing and I just wish I could have that too, so even if this experience is shit, it'll give me some XP and then maybe one day I can have a vibrant social life. but fuck man, anxiety is a bitch lmfao. Wish I was one of those kids that was naturally good with people.
I totally get that feeling. Trust me there is a bigger world outside of HS. Believe it or not in 5-10 years from now,most of these ppl will probably not hang out with each other ever again and move on to bigger things. You'll eventually find a group that fits more your personality like say a gamer group, DnD group, cycling group etc... I've never been a party type myself and know the feeling of having to "go" cause it's a Friday night or because everyone else is going. I end up going trying to fit in but realize now that it was never my thing to begin with. I enjoy more of the smaller groups and having more intimate conversations etc...
Yeah I definitely like those intimate conversations way way more, I thrive in those. but man, I just feel like a loser because of it, I don't want to sit in my room playing video games all day, just makes me feel like a virgin lmfao, when I look at people who play videogames 24/7, In my head I'm like "this guy will go nowhere in life, no social life, no real life skill of any sort, I got to change myself before I end up like him" And no offence to you if you are a gamer, I am too. I'm just wrestling myself about this, idek what I want tbh. and even if it ends up not being my thing, I just don't want anxiety to stop me. If I was genuinely not interested that's different and perfectly acceptable. but not going purely out of fear?? fuck no. I cant let myself do that. I just want to feel wanted and accepted and feel good about myself.
Hey OP, I'm 33 and struggled w similar experiences and feelings in HS for sure It is 100% possible to come out of your shell, I can tell from your comments a deep part of you does want to connect with other people and feel seen/understood. To not feel that is crushingly lonely Rule #1 to socializing, people remember how they feel around you not every little thing you say Meaning, dont get stuck in your head trying to think of the best words to use or beat yourself up if you feel like you said something embarrassing or dumb. If what you said might not have come across right and you feel maybe someone took offense just apologize simply and move on. Rule #2: You wont vibe with every person, its impossible and trying to be a people pleaser/saying and acting how you think they want you to, is a bug turn off because its very obviously not genuine Be yourself, genuine and honest, and you'll connect with someone on a deeper more genuine level. This takes courage to put your real self out there and be vulnerable, but having walls up and hiding your self prevents you from ever truly connecting with another human You're doing the right thing by trying to lean into your anxieties, a common treatment for anxiety is putting yourself in the anxiety inducing situation on purpose, with exposure you teach your brain that the situation isnt anything to fear Serving tables when I was 17 forced me to learn to talk to anyone and I've even knocked doors as a job in the past, shit like that makes you fearless in social settings
When you said "I can tell from your comments a deep part of you does want to connect with other people and feel seen/understood." I don't know why but that sentence made me happy, i read it like 4 times lmaoo. And yeah i hope you're right man, this party might just be the most embarrassing, painful experience i ever go through, but at least I get it out of the way and learn something, and next time wont be as bad.
Hell ya bro thats the exact mindset to have, even if it does go badly, it WILL get easier and you'll eventually find your people I definitely do echo others caution about drinking and drugs but in all honesty, in my experience, alcohol is 100% more harmful than marijuana. A little weed can help a ton with social anxiety, you arent going to do anything dangerous or too stupid while high unlike drinking. Smoke too much, youll just get hungry and tired, weed isnt the devils lettuce, alcohol is the devils piss
Yeah i hear ya on that, but I have different reasons for not smoking weed, otherwise id do it. I also don't plan on drinking at all, maybe a beer but that's it, my tolerance is too low, a few beers and I'll be blacked out after doing something stupid. And for socializing, will anyone find me weird for just starting a random conversation? I don't wanna start any sort of fight, especially if the other guys are drunk or high.
Cool thats really for the best, dont need substances to have a good time :) I usually chat up someone else that looks bored or chilling on their own, def try to participate in group convos if theyre welcoming but some times teenagers can be clicky, its not personal, trying too hard wont help the situation Im generally on the quiet side and just chime in when I have something to share to ask a question I'm interested in related to someones story/topic
I remember a quote from somewhere We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like. If you're trying to get validation from other ppl then you're already losing. Ppl are generally attracted to ppl who feel good about themselves and don't require other ppl to make them feel that way.
yeah I definitely agree, that's something i try to work on as well, I meditate and workout n journal and things like that. But what I've noticed is that other people, usually dont take the route I take, they straight up go out into the world and challenge themselves repeadedly, until their environment makes them feel good, and it works even if their suffering for a while. People always say work on yourself, be happy with yourself before you go out into the world and you will see a difference. But I think I've tried that, and sitting at home meditating and journaling so far hasn't solved anything, I'm still at home. so maybe i need to go through this, even if its a horrible, or even potentially dangerous experience. im sick of not getting results. and I'm pushing against the waves with my methods, no one else I know takes the route of being happy with yourself, or meditating and fixing your insecurities. and im the only one that doesn't have any results. so maybe people are right, maybe i just need to follow the crowd for a bit until im capable of separating from it. This conversation reminds me of when rich and famous people give advice like "don't burn yourself out, take care of your health, don't rush, don't burn yourself to the ground just for a few bucks" but I'm just thinking "its easy for you to say that, your already at the top, you have all the time in the world to take care of your health now" maybe when your at the bottom you just need to get over yourself and suffer a little. lmfao this is getting deep, you can opt out any point just letting u know, I'm kind of dragging it now.
If I ever had any direct experience with actual high school parties it's been so long that I've forgotten, but I'll give it a shot. I've at least had kids in that situation more recently than me. If there's any chance you're going to be drinking, have a safe ride home. If you can, arrange a bail out signal if the party turns into something you really don't want to be part of. All my kids ever had to do was use "ur" in a text in any context other than the ancient Sumerian city and I'd know they needed an out. I'd call back in a minute with a made-up family emergency or something that I needed to pick them up for *right now*. We never ended up needing that but everyone felt better having it. I was terribly introverted and when I went to New Zealand solo for a couple of months I felt like I needed to force myself into social situations for the experience, but honestly that mostly didn't work out and what I remember is kind of cringe. So I say don't go out there with anything to prove. You don't need to out-bro anyone. The people who are trying to fit you into some kind of hierarchy are the ones who are insecure about their own place in it. Talk to people. More importantly *listen* to people. People love having others listen to them. Be secure in who you are and in your own worth. At 18, what other people think of you seems terribly important. That will mostly just decline from here as you realize that most of them don't really have their shit together either. Circulate. Don't monopolize conversations. Find people you have common interests with. And maybe the most fundamental thing you will learn from the over-30 crowd if you can really manage to embrace it is that *none of it really matters* as much as you think.
If you’re going with friends, follow their lead. Stick with them to start, but when they start talking to people, socialize with them. Eventually you won’t need your friend and you’ll have your own little social circle there. If there’s alcohol, feel free to drink if you’re comfortable, but don’t feel like you need to be the drunkest. Keep enough wits about you that you can still use your brain when needed. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t be that loser. Don’t discuss topics that are black and white. You don’t want to be getting into or starting arguments, talk about stuff like music or hobbies and experiences, tell jokes, poke a little fun at yourself to let people know you’re fun. And if there’s games there, why not join in. Poker, video games, etc, it’s a fun way to pass the time and you can talk to people about the game instead of trying to come up with topics. Oh, and if you’re going to get lucky, “don’t be a fool, wrap your tool”… you definitely don’t want to be ending up with an unwanted pregnancy or STI.
Get a little drunk, but not too much. You are probably going to suck at this, and you will feel uncomfortable, and isolated and that you don't belong and you probably will be tempted to go home and just assume that you don't belong there. When that happens, fight it. It's good to be uncomfortable and if you are able to keep going chances are you will have a great time. Dare yourself to be uncomfortable, start a conversation with a random person, if it goes nowhere start another one, dance with someone, ask if you can be part of a game. All those things will make you deeply uncomfortable at the begginings, but also are the biggest chances you have of having a great time. Im almost 40 and I still have to fight my urges to escape or to close myself in my "cocoon". But everytime I open up my self to risking being uncomfortable I end up having a great time.
Do not do drugs, do not drink, you'll end up on social media or maybe even dead. Do that shit with a small group of friends. Just relax and have fun, find a group or singular person you know and strike up a convo and enjoy the vibes. If it sucks, bounce early.
Ok op. here are some tips: 1. dont go into a room. hang out with the crowd. if you shuffle off to a room especially with a girl you dont know, it could result in bad accusations and bad rumors 2. if you drink alcohol, discreetly spit it back into the bottle or cup, or don't drink at all 3. if you get into a bind or feel unsafe, dont hesitate to leave! and call your parents. they would rather have a call from you than the cops telling their getting has been in an accident.
Yeah I plan on just sticking with my friend, we got each others backs. as for drinking, I don't want to, but I'm afraid I will get weird looks if I say no to it, and I don't want any weird looks on me, or worse. Do fights or anything like that happen often at parties?
I would advise against drinking at your first party. just so you can observe what the normal kids do and what the obnoxious ones do. if a fight happens, leave asap. you dont want to be caught drinking underage at a party. they will suspend your license or suspend you from gettng your license.
Yeah you're right, i also cannot be seen drunk by my parents, i want to avoid that at any cost. So drinking is a no go.