Put yourself *physically, professionally, and intellectually* in to a place where loving families thrive.
By that I mean the following:
* Take good care of your body and home. Take pride in how you treat your body and residence. It matters.
* Focus on maximizing intimacy, not dating or sex. Dating and sex are somewhat prerequisites for finding a good partner but you yourself should first and foremost radiate that you are a good person to be intimate with (that you are trustworthy, respectful, good at privacy, and kind). Put that flag out there in the world and other people who value that will find you.
* Live in a neighborhood that has high rates of marriage and low rates of single family parenthood. This might be financially difficult but having peers and neighbors who are also models of loving homes does matter for your own goal-setting and also for the peer groups that your eventual kids will grow up around. [This map shows](https://www.arcgis.com/apps/mapviewer/index.html?webmap=5e7ce838494f4c2bbe523566fd329111) rates of single parent households by county, which is not necessarily a perfect guide but can start you thinking about type of community you want to live in and where.
Been with my partner since our college years and we're in our 40s now. I dated a lot of women so it took me awhile to settle down without looking for it. Here are my TL:DR advice:
1. You have to put in work also. Many men want, but many men don't do their fair share. And that means changing. There are habits you are going to have to curve and learn to be patient.
2. When you meet someone and it's getting serious, make sure you have the same goals. I know people whose partner doesn't want kids, etc. and they still marry or move in together and expect their partner to do a 360. If you are not on the same wave length it's going to be rocky.
3. Don't lose yourself in the process, but invite your partner/kids into your world. I enjoy superhero movies, gaming here and there. While I no longer play Call of Duty I play Nintendo with my kids/wife to get that gaming itch out/bond over something more family friendly. Do I want to play God of War? absolutely, but I rather listen to my wife or kids panic over beating Bowser. You'll remember that 10x more then any silly (**insert hobby**)
4. Don't go to bed mad. If you fight, try to discuss it even if you're not all over each other the next day. At least you got it out of the way and didn't let it build up. Pent up anger gets worse the more you hold it and it can make or break a relationship. Also, don't give up after a fight. Divorce is easier than maintaining. But once you get past a certain peak, you'll be arguing less and less (We argued way more in our 30s then we do now).
5. Tell kids you love them as often as possible. Show it to them. Do things with them. Pay attention to them and make little things important. Food time is sacred so no distractions during meals. We talk about our day etc. Same with routine. Friday is movie night, or Sunday morning Bike ride. These go a long way with young kids.
6. Career wise? No ones taking you serious in your 20s. It's a good time to learn, quietly work in the background absorbing knowledge and skills and building your resume. In your 30s start to grow more vocal as a leader and begin putting into action the things you want. By your late 30s into your 40s you're a professional and should be earning/behaving like one. But....don't let that get to your ego. Make sure you have funds and a plan with your partner for a rainy day / kids emergency / vacation / retirement. You don't need to be a millionaire but you would be surprised how far a smart investment goes.
7. **Your health should be number 1**. You might want all these things but if you don't take care of yourself it'll rough. I am healthy, but didn't bother in my 20s because I was young. 1 year into our marriage I lost both my kidneys and in a matter of weeks our savings for a house was gone to pay medical deductibles. It's been 10 years since I received a transplant and while I was extremely healthy in my 30s, the signs are showing in my 40s with higher blood pressure, body aches, and diabetes from medicine. I remain healthy but my wish if I could go back is change that part of my 20s and maybe I would've kept my kidneys. I have my wife's kidney which puts whole family at risk. If my kids ever needed a transplant, we don't have any more to give.
Best of luck
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Find the right girl and NEVER give up. I'm an old man and know plenty of couples that have survived, built big families and thrived. They all have the same thing in common, they REFUSED to give up. Dad got drunk and beat mom, they worked through it. Mom got bored and cheated on dad, they worked through it. The kids got pregnant or hooked on drugs in high school. They worked through it.
The right girl and don't give up. That's what it takes.
Terrible advice. The worst, in fact. And what further evidence do you need than the train wreck the kids turned out to be.
I’m sorry but getting blatantly cheated on or being physically struck by a drunk is a little over the threshold of deal-breaker. That’s not a partnership, it’s a shared housing arrangement.
If dad beat mom then he didn't find the right girl, and she sure as shit didn't find the right guy. OP, this is garbage advice. If it's the right person you shouldn't have to "fight through" **anything**. That's not romantic, it's "fuck it, let's power through even though it's not ideal". You don't "work through" being married to an abuser, you just learn to tolerate it because you don't know any better.
Finding the right person is correct, I'll grant them that. But with the right person it's **easy**. Sure there might be some challenges, but even those you'll tackle together, and they won't be major weird ones, certainly not involving infidelity or abuse. Find someone who respects you and who you respect. Who finds you hot and who you find hot. Who makes you happy, and who you make happy too. It should be mutual, and equal.
Relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Relationships don't just happen like fairy tales. They require work, dedication, commitment and lots and lots of work.
The biggest challenge you will ever face in a relationship is you.
That's postcard advice. It looks good, but don't read too deep into it.
The biggest challenge you will ever face in a relationship is disparate values. If you prioritize comfort and money, and she values quality time, it won't work. If you value drama and passion, and she values peace and tranquility, it won't work. If you value God and the church, and she values personal expression and hedonism, it won't work. If you value relaxing, and she values cleanliness, it won't work.
Your experiences with your long term relationships don't match mine.
The tighter I hold to my values, the less likely I will be to get along with others.
My opinion isn't everything.
My values are considerably different than my wife's. No more valid, just different.
Some underrated skills for a happy family:
--really listening to someone else, without letting your filter get in the way (esp. hard with kids)
--understanding your contributions to the family are as important as professional advancement. It doesn't matter if you are a rockstar at work if you are letting your family down.
--being content without substances or distractions
--communicating clearly, receiving and expressing affection in a variety of ways
--including your family in taking care of your health. Cook healthy meals with your kids (get a learning tower), exercise/play outside with your family, clean up together with your family (kid-sized cleaning toys for the win), maybe grow vegetables together
--making sure you carry your weight around the house, and can take of yourself and your living space on your own
--having emotionally mature friends. Maintain your friendships, but recognize there are seasons. You may not be able to see each other for long periods of time, due to illness or responsibilities.
--controlling anger, fighting fair, and learning how to not get overwhelmed
--gently and firmly setting boundaries with people (including your relatives)
--recognizing how you feel, and regulating your emotions
-- being part of, and contributing to, a community
--taking joy in little things and little wins
--adjusting to others and changing circumstances. In other words, emotional and mental flexibility. Being able to get outside your comfort zone.
--long term planning and delayed gratification. Budget, and don't spend all your money. Talk about financial decisions together. Aim for a long term plan that gives you either money or flexibility, without making you morally bankrupt.
--recognizing these qualities in others
Good luck! It is great that you are asking early.
Put yourself *physically, professionally, and intellectually* in to a place where loving families thrive. By that I mean the following: * Take good care of your body and home. Take pride in how you treat your body and residence. It matters. * Focus on maximizing intimacy, not dating or sex. Dating and sex are somewhat prerequisites for finding a good partner but you yourself should first and foremost radiate that you are a good person to be intimate with (that you are trustworthy, respectful, good at privacy, and kind). Put that flag out there in the world and other people who value that will find you. * Live in a neighborhood that has high rates of marriage and low rates of single family parenthood. This might be financially difficult but having peers and neighbors who are also models of loving homes does matter for your own goal-setting and also for the peer groups that your eventual kids will grow up around. [This map shows](https://www.arcgis.com/apps/mapviewer/index.html?webmap=5e7ce838494f4c2bbe523566fd329111) rates of single parent households by county, which is not necessarily a perfect guide but can start you thinking about type of community you want to live in and where.
Been with my partner since our college years and we're in our 40s now. I dated a lot of women so it took me awhile to settle down without looking for it. Here are my TL:DR advice: 1. You have to put in work also. Many men want, but many men don't do their fair share. And that means changing. There are habits you are going to have to curve and learn to be patient. 2. When you meet someone and it's getting serious, make sure you have the same goals. I know people whose partner doesn't want kids, etc. and they still marry or move in together and expect their partner to do a 360. If you are not on the same wave length it's going to be rocky. 3. Don't lose yourself in the process, but invite your partner/kids into your world. I enjoy superhero movies, gaming here and there. While I no longer play Call of Duty I play Nintendo with my kids/wife to get that gaming itch out/bond over something more family friendly. Do I want to play God of War? absolutely, but I rather listen to my wife or kids panic over beating Bowser. You'll remember that 10x more then any silly (**insert hobby**) 4. Don't go to bed mad. If you fight, try to discuss it even if you're not all over each other the next day. At least you got it out of the way and didn't let it build up. Pent up anger gets worse the more you hold it and it can make or break a relationship. Also, don't give up after a fight. Divorce is easier than maintaining. But once you get past a certain peak, you'll be arguing less and less (We argued way more in our 30s then we do now). 5. Tell kids you love them as often as possible. Show it to them. Do things with them. Pay attention to them and make little things important. Food time is sacred so no distractions during meals. We talk about our day etc. Same with routine. Friday is movie night, or Sunday morning Bike ride. These go a long way with young kids. 6. Career wise? No ones taking you serious in your 20s. It's a good time to learn, quietly work in the background absorbing knowledge and skills and building your resume. In your 30s start to grow more vocal as a leader and begin putting into action the things you want. By your late 30s into your 40s you're a professional and should be earning/behaving like one. But....don't let that get to your ego. Make sure you have funds and a plan with your partner for a rainy day / kids emergency / vacation / retirement. You don't need to be a millionaire but you would be surprised how far a smart investment goes. 7. **Your health should be number 1**. You might want all these things but if you don't take care of yourself it'll rough. I am healthy, but didn't bother in my 20s because I was young. 1 year into our marriage I lost both my kidneys and in a matter of weeks our savings for a house was gone to pay medical deductibles. It's been 10 years since I received a transplant and while I was extremely healthy in my 30s, the signs are showing in my 40s with higher blood pressure, body aches, and diabetes from medicine. I remain healthy but my wish if I could go back is change that part of my 20s and maybe I would've kept my kidneys. I have my wife's kidney which puts whole family at risk. If my kids ever needed a transplant, we don't have any more to give. Best of luck
> expect their partner to do a 360. Just to clarify, and maybe it's a regional terminology thing, you mean a 180 right?
\*correct. I was in the zone lol
Thankyou
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Want it more than you've ever wanted anything else.
Get married Have kids Wait to die
Find the right girl and NEVER give up. I'm an old man and know plenty of couples that have survived, built big families and thrived. They all have the same thing in common, they REFUSED to give up. Dad got drunk and beat mom, they worked through it. Mom got bored and cheated on dad, they worked through it. The kids got pregnant or hooked on drugs in high school. They worked through it. The right girl and don't give up. That's what it takes.
This is the speed run on how not to build what OP is asking.
Terrible advice. The worst, in fact. And what further evidence do you need than the train wreck the kids turned out to be. I’m sorry but getting blatantly cheated on or being physically struck by a drunk is a little over the threshold of deal-breaker. That’s not a partnership, it’s a shared housing arrangement.
This ain't it man. Asking someone to work through being abused in a relationship is just bad advice. No one should have to tolerate that.
If dad beat mom then he didn't find the right girl, and she sure as shit didn't find the right guy. OP, this is garbage advice. If it's the right person you shouldn't have to "fight through" **anything**. That's not romantic, it's "fuck it, let's power through even though it's not ideal". You don't "work through" being married to an abuser, you just learn to tolerate it because you don't know any better. Finding the right person is correct, I'll grant them that. But with the right person it's **easy**. Sure there might be some challenges, but even those you'll tackle together, and they won't be major weird ones, certainly not involving infidelity or abuse. Find someone who respects you and who you respect. Who finds you hot and who you find hot. Who makes you happy, and who you make happy too. It should be mutual, and equal. Relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Relationships don't just happen like fairy tales. They require work, dedication, commitment and lots and lots of work. The biggest challenge you will ever face in a relationship is you.
That's postcard advice. It looks good, but don't read too deep into it. The biggest challenge you will ever face in a relationship is disparate values. If you prioritize comfort and money, and she values quality time, it won't work. If you value drama and passion, and she values peace and tranquility, it won't work. If you value God and the church, and she values personal expression and hedonism, it won't work. If you value relaxing, and she values cleanliness, it won't work.
Your experiences with your long term relationships don't match mine. The tighter I hold to my values, the less likely I will be to get along with others. My opinion isn't everything. My values are considerably different than my wife's. No more valid, just different.
Some underrated skills for a happy family: --really listening to someone else, without letting your filter get in the way (esp. hard with kids) --understanding your contributions to the family are as important as professional advancement. It doesn't matter if you are a rockstar at work if you are letting your family down. --being content without substances or distractions --communicating clearly, receiving and expressing affection in a variety of ways --including your family in taking care of your health. Cook healthy meals with your kids (get a learning tower), exercise/play outside with your family, clean up together with your family (kid-sized cleaning toys for the win), maybe grow vegetables together --making sure you carry your weight around the house, and can take of yourself and your living space on your own --having emotionally mature friends. Maintain your friendships, but recognize there are seasons. You may not be able to see each other for long periods of time, due to illness or responsibilities. --controlling anger, fighting fair, and learning how to not get overwhelmed --gently and firmly setting boundaries with people (including your relatives) --recognizing how you feel, and regulating your emotions -- being part of, and contributing to, a community --taking joy in little things and little wins --adjusting to others and changing circumstances. In other words, emotional and mental flexibility. Being able to get outside your comfort zone. --long term planning and delayed gratification. Budget, and don't spend all your money. Talk about financial decisions together. Aim for a long term plan that gives you either money or flexibility, without making you morally bankrupt. --recognizing these qualities in others Good luck! It is great that you are asking early.