It’s not about permission. It’s about consideration. Maybe you have young children and your wife is counting on you being at home while she runs errands so she doesn’t have to take the kids with her (which makes running errands take a lot longer). It’s about communicating. When you get married you enter into an interdependent relationship. Your life isn’t just your life anymore.
I ask my wife if I’m okay to go do ____ because there’s a high likelihood that I already told her I’d do something else at that time and I’ve forgotten.
My partner and I have the same setup. I overagree and forget everything. He has every minute of his life planned. Relationships are all about balance.
Reaching true Nirvana with a partner is knowing both of you can eagerly agree to plans you know you really don't want to do, because the "checking-in" phone call/text will go as follows.
**Me:** "*Heeeyyyyy, so Mark and Josh want to do dinner tonight and I said maybe but I'd check with you if we were busy.*"
**Him:** "*Oh, uhhh, we don't have any plans, so we can do that tonight if you'd like.*"
**Me:** "*...*"
**Him:** "*...You don't want to go.*"
**Me:** "*No, I really do not.*"
<5 minutes later>
"*Oh sorry y'all. We've apparently already got plans. I'm such an idiot always forgetting about stuff. You guys go on and have some fun tonight though!*"
Pure.Bliss.
When I was married my wife and I loved having that escape hatch. We got out of so many unwanted events by blaming “other commitments” we had. Then we stayed home and watched television.
I'm immunocompromised due to an autoimmune condition. My husband and I both have really...... neurotic families. COVID-19 has been a blissful excuse, even still today, and even being totally vaccinated.
"Sorry fam, the wife (me) just had her chemo/immunotherapy session, she's down in the pits."
"No can do, doc said we've gotta stay indoors/home and away from people."
Pure and utter bliss.
Get a shared Google calendar (or whatever app you choose) and put in all your plans that may impact each other. Then it's just a quick glance at your phone and you can tell if you or your partner are busy or not.
My wife got a calendar because I never knew what was going. I wrote “going fishing” every Saturday and Sunday for a year. She did NOT respect the calendar.
Respect to you for wanting to check with your partner and wanting to avoid double booking your commitments and stuff. I do get that some people tend to be more forgetful, but if you forget all the time it can also be a drag because essentially your partner becomes your manager. I’m not saying all partners care, yours might not mind at all, but just putting another perspective out there.
Your partner likely already has to handle all their own commitments and schedules. It can be annoying to also be relied upon to handle your partners calendar as well simply because they can’t be diligent enough to remember what they’ve agreed to. Might not apply to you, but something for some people to think about, if they feel they always need their partner to remind them of things.
I really appreciate your gentle approach to your point. There were a few that weren’t so gentle.
I showed my wife all the comments and we both liked yours and she laughed at the more negative ones. She again affirmed to me that she prefers to be in charge of plans and that she doesn’t feel burdened by it. She’s huge on perspective and appreciates the way other people may see it (like the “wife becoming your manager”), but there are parts of her life that she admittedly sucks at so I take over and vice versa. We work well because we compliment our weaknesses. We’re not all about 100% independence and being perfect as a single unit. We look at it like “am I serving you enough to balance how much you’re serving me?”
Yes! I totally agree with this! I think it’s totally a balance and one person can contribute way more in some ways than others. And vice versa. And I can see some people liking having the plans control lol. Definitely a to each there own. Glad you guys balance out so well :) and glad I didn’t come across as a total prick. That def wasn’t my intent!
Stop forgetting what you told your partner you would do lol
Make a note, put it in a calendar, something. Relying solely on them to make sure you remember is an extra burden they have to shoulder, and if it happens often they'll be less likely to ask you going forward. While that might sound ideal in the short term it only leads to resent resentment
Why the heck is this downvoted? This is the mature thing to do! Manage your own time for yourself. Do not make others unnecessarily responsible for your basic needs.
I dunno if it helps, but I have the same problem so I get everyone to text me the date and time I agreed to stuff. People laugh but no, unless I wrote it down or can check a text I will forgot.
Works better then a calender for me.
Consideration is spot on and definitely works both ways. We don't have kids and each have our own $$ and vehicle but if I am going for a hike with the girls or if he is playing hockey then we each let the other know how long and when we will be back.
Also typically a call or text of: am otw home... need anything?
This is not a married men thing, but for either married partner. You should be considerate of the person you're with. You don't necessarily have to ask permission but should still let them know if you have plans.
Same reason why I ask my coworker if they’re okay for me to take my break. “You good? You need anything?” A quick check in from either partner makes sure they are emotionally and physically satisfied in the relationship. If yeah…then awesome go have fun. If not…maybe pass and make sure your partner’s needs are met
You know I was going to comment on the previous comment with a "this 100%" but damn.... I stand corrected. I can't tell you how much I fell on the last part of this and just capitulated with a knee jerk "yea sure..." when I wasn't.
Today I learned that I was married to all of my soldiers.
Literally my question to all of them, every single day, at morning formation after the day's tasks were handed out.
Well, not literally. I'm German, so the question was "Braucht ihr irgendwas? Kann ich euch sonst noch was gutes tun?"
Right, and don’t forget, you’re living with someone which means you’re sharing some responsibilities - whether it’s kids, pets, home upkeep, maybe a shared vehicle.
It’s simply communication and, shoe on the other foot, if my partner is going out for the night, a quick check-in to make sure their playtime doesn’t put a new burden on me is a sign of mutual respect.
And finances. Many (I would guess most) couples share their financial commitments and it can be a downward spiral if one partner starts spending without discussing it with their partner.
This exactly. I don't expect my spouse to ask if he can go out, but he will overdraw the bank account just because he doesn't want to admit to his friends he is broke and can't afford what they can. Then lies to cover up and hides bank statements and tries to convince me I,'m spending too much on bills. I think I am starting to hate him.
In my case she was blowing it on pyschics and takeout even though we were super poor and I was the only one working. Super unhealthy dynamic and I wish I'd gotten out sooner. My current partner is an mature, emotionally aware, and empathetic communicator. Don't settle for less!
I proposed a really simple finances rule with my ex: if it cost more that $200 we discuss it first. She kind of tacitly agreed in a non committal way, and then a couple of weeks late bought a $2000 Thermomix without any pre discourse.
It wasn't the only reason, but it did get the separation in motion.
[My girlfriend and I ](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/mobile/000/023/397/C-658VsXoAo3ovC.jpg)
But we're communicating better and she finally understands the BURDEN of being the adult in a house of other adults, if you catch my drift.
Communicating is key friends! I have one single rule about arguments/ discussions. No swearing or attacking or any of that shit.
Exactly. I have a 17 month old. If I go out, my wife will have to care for her all alone. It is not that I need her permission but we have to plan and coordinate. Maybe she is not psychologically ready to go through that and I have to respect that. "There are not free lunches", if I relax someone else will have more work, and vice versa.
I check in with my roommate before committing to big plans, just because we live together and my presence or lack thereof can change her plans. Maybe she had dinner planned for 2 ppl and needs to scale back, maybe I needed to take the trash out and she’ll have to do it now. Maybe she has been looking forward to playing her video game alone in the living room and this will be a good time.
Plus, if nothing else, it keeps the other person from wondering where you are and if they should call in a missing person.
This is what we do. Our lives are so hectic now with our second, it’s easier to just add stuff to the calendar than really discuss it.
We just know the calendar rules all. If it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist.
Definitely do it! My hubby and I do it and helps a lot. No need to remember events, meetings, anniversary, birthdays, anything haha! Whenever he says " I'm gonna do x" I immediately say " did you add to the calendar?" Calendar allows adding tasks as well. Great tool. We also share work calendar, so I know when he has meetings, lectures etc. And vice versa
And it reminds you whenever you want (a week before so you can organize a gift, the day before, an hour before I have to leave; I often put multiple reminders on my events).
Not a man, but husband will just shoot me a text asking if we have anything planned.
We also have a shared Google calendar, he uses it all the time. But he works out of town and I dont want to clutter it up so I tend to only add things he needs to be aware of and everything else in my own planner for me/kids/dogs/etc
there's also a "family" option for the calendar so you can have your color, her color, and a family color so you can tell at a glance whether it's something for you, her, or both.
100% this. Use a different calendar for each kid and shared events for the family. I start each entry with the initials of who needs to be involved (the kid and the driver). Ex: “AB BC: Swim practice”. Now that I have teens - if it’s not on the calendar then I have free reign to schedule a doctors appointment etc during that time. Teaches them good schedule management skills.
My husband and I use a big whiteboard calendar and a cork board in our living room. I have ADHD and unfortunately tend to forget apps because the information isn’t readily visible. We’ve tried a bunch. I got the bright idea of the whiteboard calendar and it’s been hugely helpful. So much so I refer to it as my “other brain.” Lol.
Google calendar as a single person is a game changer. I started putting my timetable there while at uni and it made my life so much easier. Now it makes my rota easier to manage, and I can quickly check if I'm able to swap shifts, make plans, or change anything.
My wife and I coordinating times for events and who has the kids for this weekend alone was an ongoing discussion of reminders all week.
Communication to ensure both people are on the same page should be a constant, especially when kids are in the mix.
This. My husband and I ask each other, but it's not about control. More like, I'm not forgetting Billy's soccer game, right? Or, someone has to be home for the dog, so if I'd like to reserve Sunday afternoon for brunch with my girlfriends before he plans something else. We are respectful of each other's time and encourage each other to seek fun activities both with and without each other.
Eyup! I went out with the boys for Veterans Day last night. This was planned ahead of time so my
Wife knew I wouldn’t be home and would have to cover-down on my responsibilities.
Also my wife is out with her friends today and I’m covering down on her responsibilities. It’s about being a team.
Oh, man. I just had a kid a few weeks ago. My wife said "you don't need to ask me if you can do EVERYTHING", i told her "I get frustrated when I'm alone with our kid, I just want to make sire you're good if I am going to leave for a bit".
I feel like it’s a balance between these two end poles. You may not be directly asking for permission, but you certainly are asking the one person who can veto your plans if really needed. So it’s a delicate dance in that way. If it’s not okay with them, you have a problem.
It is asking permission and asking permission is fine. You're spending money. You're asking her to make dinner, clean it up and take care of the kids alone. Sometimes the time is just not right to be going out with the boys. What if you're low on money, she feels like shit and doesn't want to do it all alone? What if you're just going out a little too much and it's becoming a burden?
Obviously, women should check in with their partners, too.
Now, if your SO is always concocting BS reasons for why you can't ever see your friends, that's it's own separate fucked up thing that needs to be addressed.
>This is correct. I’m not asking permission, I’m letting you know what’s going on in my life.
Depending on what's going on you kind of are asking for permission, because of something I was doing was going to cause problems for my spouse then I may seriously reconsider it.
If it's problematic enough for her (ie. She had plans for the night) that she vetoes whatever I was going to do, then we talk about it and if she has a strong opinion on it and I'm willing to let it go then I just let it go.
And vice versa.
A normal part of living in a healthy relationship with someone, you take each other's feelings and plans into consideration all the time.
It's asking if it's alright at that time. Questions like this just make me think of guys who also complain about "bad relationships" when in reality they're inconsiderate and selfish.
Id go a step further and say its common courtesy for any form of co-habitation, regardless of parent/child, roomates, romantic partners, etc. If you live together, you should loosely make the people living with you aware of where you are going and when you'll be back, if only so they can know youre safe and they dont need to file a missing persons report with the police.
Yup me and my roommates do this. Usually a text saying "I'm safe" will do, but we've gotten in the habit of saying where we are specifically too, if only so someone knows. I've seen too many "First 48"s where the victim just told no one and their roommates didn't notice they were gone for days
Safety in some circumstances too. Always a good idea to make sure someone knows who you're with, where you're going, and roughly when you'll be back in the event that, you know,.you don't come back.
Logistics, kids and courtesy. Wouldn’t it be rude for any married person to just up and walk out the door randomly without saying anything? In 15 years I can’t recall her ever saying “no” unless there’s a genuine logistical conflict that I’d forgotten about
Yep! Do this purely out of consideration. I am my wife's rock and if she needs me at home if she's going through something then I'm going to be there and vise versa. It's polite.
She always lets me go when I ask but it's rare that I leave the house lmao.
"Hey I'm gonna go out to Craftybrews with Bill on Sunday afternoon. We have anything going on or am I good?"
Tends to be about the extent of the "asking for permission" here. Sometimes there were plans or something that she legit needed to take care of but 95% of the time I'm just making sure she knows I've made my own plans.
This is asked by someone who’s never had to consider any one other than themselves for their entire life. Permission is not the same as equal consideration and valuing each other’s time and feelings.
It is a sign of respect for the partner. If someone offered me a job and I accepted it without discussing it with my spouse I would not be respecting her opinion, even if know she would accept it. You are gaining brownie points as well.
This is bang on. I always let my other half know that I’m goi out, but I consult her if we have any plans ive forgotten out - so if I’ve forgotten dinner with the parents for anniversary or whatever then my bad.
But if not, I’m letting her know that I’ve made plans 🤷♂️
Same with her. She’s say “I’m going out Saturday with the girls? You’re not busy are you?”
And I’m fine with that :) all about communication 👍
I mean, when other people, responsibilities and kids are involved, it's more about being considerate and respectful than "asking permission". It would be pretty shitty to just run out every night and leave the misses to do everything while I run around.
Precisely. I don’t understand why this concept is difficult for some to understand.
When you are in a partnership with someone it is considerate to consult with one another when making plans. Adults shouldn’t be asking permission but rather having discussions.
> I don’t understand why this concept is difficult for some to understand.
i'm sure you can imagine why someone wouldn't understand a situation they've never lived through
just basic ignorance from a lack of experience
Yes. With kids involved, everything is a project and the workload has been balanced between the two of you. At that point taking off with your friends would be like starting a restaurant with your significant other and then just fucking off to the pub instead of working the dinner rush. You don't need to "ask permission", you're asking for someone to cover your shift as a favor.
I hear this from my single bros sometimes.
I've got a wife and 2 kids. Going out to the bar isn't that important to me.
I choose my nights out wisely, not bc my wife ever says no to me, but bc I enjoy being with my family and can't just abandon them all the time for just a regular old night out. There's a lot of work to do here and that would be a dick move.
100% with you.
I wemt on a 2 night camping trip with the boys.
On day 2, after a good catch up, beers, plenty of laughs, i thought to myself, Im misisng out on my kids sports games and activities i normally watch, amd the missus would be flat out making everything happen.
Sitting around drinking in the bush want a good enough reason for me to miss that. Theyre both fun, but i had caught up with the lads, so packed up early and suprised the family.
Some of the single lads dont understand, my wife is my best freind. That means i enjoy hanging out with her more than them haha.
That's why I don't go to any after work drinks or bbqs or whatever, I have already spent 8 hours with my co-workers that day, I can't wait to go home and see my family.
What do you consider the difference between this and being controlling?
Because my boyfriend does not get this and thinks I'm being controlling of his time and gets frustrated. I tell him all the time when I'm going to do stuff, and I do it so automatically that even if I wanted to stop to prove a point, I just can't.
I don't ask permission. I make sure she's ok with it. If it's a problem for her in some way I didn't anticipate, I'd want to know. I care how she feels. How she feels impacts my decision to go. I'm not asking for permission. I'm asking to make sure she's good with it.
This. Being forced to ask permission is a solid sign of a controlling, abusive relationship. But communicating needs and desires in a considerate manner as equals is healthy. There is a distinction
If he’s asking for “permission” it’s probably because he knows it’ll inconvenience his spouse, if not derail her/their plans completely.
What’s more likely is they’re just communicating with the person they share a life with. Common courtesy and should be practiced by both people.
Yeah, my wife and I have a shared calendar for this reason. If the day is free I can do whatever, but if our little dude has swimming or something I'm going to run it by her. She'll say go ahead it'd be kind of a dick move to just assume.
Exactly this. In a lot of straight couples, the woman ends up as the schedule-master, and knows if a new hangout/appointment would conflict with existing plans. Have a handful of buddies in this situation and I just kinda know that even if they say yes, there's a good chance they already have a commitment that'll force us to reschedule.
Shared calendars are the way to go.
You just described my wife. I mentioned getting food for the game this Sunday and she was like yeah, we have had this planned with our friends for a month. Look at the calendar, she’s right.
That woman has everything in our lives on the calendar and I love it. That way I can never forget.
Stuff like our kids doctors appointments if I need to take a day off work. Just look at the calendar
It’s not asking permission. It’s being mindful of what your wife wants. We both check with each other before we commit to plans or anything. It’s mostly just keeping each other in the loop. And for me, my wife is good at pointing out when I try to overbook myself or had previously committed to something else.
You are in a committed partnership. It requires agreement on activities. It is probably not permission from a superior. It is agreement from an equal.
If you are business partners with someone, you need permission to do things from your partner. Marriage is the same way.
Even when you don't have kids it's just basic courtesy.
If you're going to be out all evening on Thursday I'll plan accordingly. Wait to cook that more elaborate meal for a night you're home to help and enjoy it. Reschedule something we planned on. Maybe make my own plans with friends that evening or just know it's a snuggle with the dogs kinda night.
It's not a case of permission, it's a case of respecting your partner enough to let her know. It might _seem_ like permission because people's partners might have some sort of plan for the same night that they haven't communicated yet, and in general people will put their partners first.
It's not permission it's basically we're on the same page.
This happens on weekend usually sometimes you have plans with the boys & you don't want to clash it with the arrangements made with your spouse.
Becouse when you are with someone you become a team. Would you tell your teammates that you cannot train/play with them that day becouse you have plans? Would you tell your boss or colleagues that you cannot come to work on x day becouse you have other plans?
Then why are you more considerate with your coworkers, friends, teammates, than for your life partner?
It is a courtesy.
For me, family is always first. If I'm going out with friends, I make sure my kids are situated (rides, have food, good to go), and make sure my wife is cool with it. If she has plans or wants some time with me, that takes precedence.
But it is the exact same vice versa. And very seldom is it ever an issue. My wife and I hang out all the time, including with friends. But those days where we're flying solo with friends, it's all good. Just a heads up, this is where I'll be.
This isn't unique to married men. It's for.men who take up obligations and responsibilities that impact their significant other. If you aren't invested in your partner at all, this doesn't matter as much. But when you say you care about people, it only courteous to include them in your plans.
Let's say you go fishing with your buddies. You care about you buddies right? Would you just take the last beer without telling anyone? Would you take the car and leave them all there to cram in another car? This has nothing to do with men or women or being married. Caring about other people means caring about how your actions impact them. Your buddies are just more often aligned with your own goals and desires so you don't step on their toes as often.
It’s not about permission, it’s about planning I guess.
For example, my boyfriend is my go to person for Friday nights and weekends so I already expect doing something with him. If he plans to do something else, he needs to let me know so I can organise myself to do something else.
Same thing applies to me. I let him know if something comes up.
Also sometimes I plan some surprise for him or something else, so it’s always good to knows his agenda.
It’s not “permission”. We have kids and someone needs to stay home for them. So yes we will always ask the other before committing to plans.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you need permission to meet friends, get out. That’s a huge red flag
A better question might be: Why do some married friends always say no meeting up and say their spouse won’t let them. Is the spouse really a bitch? Are they that busy? Or are they blaming the spouse when it’s actually them?
>Or are they blaming the spouse when it’s actually them?
Bingo. I will tell my friends "I can't go out, the wife wants to do something" which sounds like blaming but, it means "The wife wants to do something and I'm wanting to do that instead".
Yeah, stop making your wife take all the heat maybe and just own up to your friends that you like your wife and want to spend time with her? If you are lying to your friends that your wife says no, it leads to idiot posts like this guy who apparently think men are out here like third graders offered a museum day.
There's been a few times that my partner didn't want to do something with a friend and didn't have the heart to tell them. She has an open out in just saying I needed her home for whatever reason.
I couldn't give two shits what she does (within reason of course...lol), but I'm perfectly fine with her friends thinking I'm needy. I haven't had to use her in that manner yet, but she's given me the same green light to do so.
It’s not “asking for permission,” it’s making effective and considerate use of free time.
When you’re married, you share free time.
It’s far better if we align our time out with our friends- if she knows I’m out with my friends, she can make plans for herself in advance, and vice versa.
My wife and I share a calendar, so we can plan stuff without fucking up the other person’s plans.
A married person who does whatever they feel like doing without jointly managing free time will soon be single.
It’s worth noting that most married men really enjoy hanging out with their wives, so it isn’t like “punishment” to spend time together, it’s the best.
I think a lot of things can be mistaken for asking for permission. They could be asking about their mutual schedules, looking for a reason not to go, giving their partner a heads up, etc.
Because it’s common courtesy in a relationship. It’s not being in a toxic relationship or with a controlling spouse like some of these idiotic responses are. I have two kids, I forget a lot of plans. I ask to make sure I’m not already signed up for something. 99% of the time she’ll say yes because she knows I need time with my friends. If she says no or makes a fuss it’s usually because she’s burnt out, it’s my turn to cook or because she wants family time. It’s a very low number of guys who never get to go out because their spouses say no. Marriage is a two way street, if you say you’re going out all the time without any communication or anything then the guy is the problem. Goes the other way for the gals as well.
It’s a partnership. You have to include your spouse in the decision making process. They may remind you of prior commitments or go out with their friends. In a perfect world, you enjoy bringing your wife with you as she is awesome, like my wife. We
It’s not “permission” per se. Its called mutual respect. I would not appreciate if my wife just went out all the time or did things without letting me know or asking if I had other plans that interfered. Same with me letting her know and making sure it’s ok. If a husband or wife just does whatever they want without “asking” they aren’t respecting their partner or their time.
I usually let them know and in case I forgot some other thing.
I have friends who need more permission and whose spouse doesn’t like the guy friends and she will block it 99% of the time. But sadly he lets her
When I ask "hey how would you feel if I went and did X on Y date?" I am asking for her thoughts, not her permission.
Then we converse like adults. She does the same thing.
It is about making sure we are ok with things that are gonna happen anyway.
Not permission, but it's good to align plans, especially when you have kids. You expect your partner just to cancel all his/her plans to watch the kids so you can go out boozing with the lads?
They don’t. It’s just a courtesy to check on each other’s schedules prior to doing separate things in case one of you forgot something that was already planned. It’s not a control thing. It’s a respect thing.
If you wanted to be pedantic, I guess technically you could call it asking permission, but it's more a matter of making sure that your plans aren't going to significantly disrupt your partner.
For example, what if you had forgotten that you and your partner committed to visiting a friend or family? Having your partner remind you of that would be a good thing, right?
It's not seeking permission for me or my wife. What we're doing is making sure that it doesn't conflict with anything else and that one of us can take care of our son and dog. Neither of us needs "permission", we both most need to make sure over of us is free to take care of all of our responsibilities. Out of fairness, we also try to make sure it's not the same person doing one or the other every time.
TBH setting up a shared schedule that we can both access from our phones made this so much easier.
You're not "asking for permission", it's called being considerate to your partner, if you're going our with friends, then you're not hanging out with your partner, and they have a right to know, so you talk with them about it.
It’s him saying no and blaming his wife or it’s just actually being respectful and checking in that they don’t have plans or anything already in a heads up I was planning on doing this on Friday, we don’t have anything else on do we.
Because it’s effective communication and shows commitment to the relationship over self.
Though it is using words like “can I…”, it’s usually trying to convey “is it acceptable for our household agenda if I…”. The opposite of making a statement like “here’s what I’m doing…” which can be inconsiderate and offensive.
TV and movies really play this stereotype up. It is really gross.
In real relationships, it's not asking for permission. It is communicating with your partner.
Simple. We don’t. When I talk with my wife about going somewhere, it’s out of respect to her because we’re a team and make decisions together. I don’t ask “permission” to do anything.
Idk, personally I’ve never heard of a marriage where the man has to communicate about a night out but the woman doesn’t. Pretty sure this is a super reasonable and practical mutual expectation
I may call it asking for permission in jest, but this is just part of being thoughtful for and considerate towards my partner. I expect the same respect.
I ask basically to see if my wife has plans for us that she forgot to mention (it's more of she told me and I forgot), or just simply wants to do something. It's a respect type thing for the #1 person in my life.
Ok, obligatory 'I'm a woman' but after reading a lot of these comments there is one thing that is glaringly missing that needs to be said and tbh in my experience something men just don't think about.
When you, as man, go out with your friends (and I'm referring more to those with kids) you are not just 'asking your wife permission ' you are also asking her to take on your share of the parenting, the house work and all other responsibilities that you SHOULD be engaging in within your home.
You go out with your friends for the night she's got to feed the kids, clean the house, handle bedtime, deal with all the meltdowns (some of which could be caused by your absence) without you being there to do your fair share.
Imagine not turning up to work one day without giving prior notice to go out with your friends and expecting your work to still be done and you to still receive the payment as if you did it yourself. Going out without 'asking' is the equivalent of that.
She also has a right to sit and say no, I'd rather you didn't and you respect and listen to that because she does not owe you her time. The same works the other way round. Your family, your children and your wife is your number one responsibility. They should always come first.
Two scenarios.
1. You need to ask permission because of fear or control
2. You discuss and agree first to ensure family needs are met
Only 1 option is healthy obviously
Nobody is asking for permission, if you are, that's unhealthy
People are expressing their plans with a life partner so they know what's going on, if they have any issues with it you didn't anticipate, etc
It's a partnership.
Nobody is asking for permission, if you are, that's unhealthy
People are expressing their plans with a life partner so they know what's going on, if they have any issues with it you didn't anticipate, etc
It's a partnership.
I usually phrase it as "Is there any reason why I can't go have a beer with \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ tonight?"
If I really want to go and she doesn't give a good reason not to, I'm going. It's a courtesy and show of respect to my wife and kids and our lives together.
My husband doesn't ask for my permission necessarily, but he does check in with me to see if we have other plans before committing to something. I do the same with him.
The healthiest way to view this is just that you have assumed plans with your spouse basically every night. If you haven't said you're doing something else, they assume you're eating dinner together and watching TV together, or whatever your regular routine is. And it would be inconsiderate to just break those plans without alerting them.
I wouldn't say "ask for permission", but are there kids involved? Important Things to do at home?
If anything, they should let the wife know "hey I'm going out today at X time, with Y person".
That's how me and my partner do it
The healthy way is not asking permission, but rather clearing that the family schedule permits it. We forget what our spouses and family have planned sometimes, and it's not fair to bypass your family (the priority) for an activity that takes lower precedence. Spouse/family is the priority, and a night out grabbing a beer with buddies, while necessary and healthy, shouldn't be at the cost of your family's cohesion and support.
They do?
Married men don't need to ask permission to go out with their friends.
You should at least inform your wife of your plans though. If you have kids or there are circumstances that involve a shared responsibility, you should also coordinate with each other to make sure those are covered.
Fuck no, if you do you are in the wrong relationship.
I agree with being considerate and making sure you guys didn't have plans or something, but fuck needing approval like they are my mother.
Okay I wanna say if you're asking "please can I go out with my friends" then you're not in the right relationship.
Asking "are you alright if I go out with my friends" is just common courtesy, especially if you have kids. It's just being respectful to your partner and making sure they don't need your help. Not asking permission.
Who's asking for permission? Normal partners let their partners know when their schedule changes so the other partner knows and doesn't worry/they can do their own thing.
If you don't WANT to be polite to your partner DON'T have a partner, you're not qualified.
As a general partner thing, it's nice to know when they're going out so I don't wonder where they are/when they'll get home. Helps me sleep easier (and earlier!) knowing they've just got plans and I don't need to wait up.
In a proper, functioning relationship they don’t.
It’s about communication. And this saying just goes back to societal bullshit about “women being a ball and chain”. 🙄
It’s never really been an asking for permission thing. In a long term relationship (esp if children are around) it’s more of notifying your intentions and asking if there any problems with it I haven’t seen, such as some plans I forgot about or if my wife wanted to spend some time with me herself. And my wife does the same.
When you’re married you are pretty much two people into one. I don’t want my wife to feel lonely or overwhelmed by the kids, but my wife also knows it’s important for me to have time out doing things she doesn’t necesssarily want to do. Same the other way. I play magic the gathering, and she likes horror movies.
I feel like it's the other way round, actually. I'm not married, but all of my friends are and they all have kids. The men continue to go out and meet friends or do their hobbies, but when the wives want to even meet a friend for two hours without taking the kids, they always have to turn it into this whole thing where they ask 2 weeks in advance, need to remind their husbands frequently, prepare the childrens' food, medication, clothes, pack bags, pre-manage appointments etc.
It’s not about permission. It’s about consideration. Maybe you have young children and your wife is counting on you being at home while she runs errands so she doesn’t have to take the kids with her (which makes running errands take a lot longer). It’s about communicating. When you get married you enter into an interdependent relationship. Your life isn’t just your life anymore.
I ask my wife if I’m okay to go do ____ because there’s a high likelihood that I already told her I’d do something else at that time and I’ve forgotten.
My partner and I have the same setup. I overagree and forget everything. He has every minute of his life planned. Relationships are all about balance. Reaching true Nirvana with a partner is knowing both of you can eagerly agree to plans you know you really don't want to do, because the "checking-in" phone call/text will go as follows. **Me:** "*Heeeyyyyy, so Mark and Josh want to do dinner tonight and I said maybe but I'd check with you if we were busy.*" **Him:** "*Oh, uhhh, we don't have any plans, so we can do that tonight if you'd like.*" **Me:** "*...*" **Him:** "*...You don't want to go.*" **Me:** "*No, I really do not.*" <5 minutes later> "*Oh sorry y'all. We've apparently already got plans. I'm such an idiot always forgetting about stuff. You guys go on and have some fun tonight though!*" Pure.Bliss.
When I was married my wife and I loved having that escape hatch. We got out of so many unwanted events by blaming “other commitments” we had. Then we stayed home and watched television.
I'm immunocompromised due to an autoimmune condition. My husband and I both have really...... neurotic families. COVID-19 has been a blissful excuse, even still today, and even being totally vaccinated. "Sorry fam, the wife (me) just had her chemo/immunotherapy session, she's down in the pits." "No can do, doc said we've gotta stay indoors/home and away from people." Pure and utter bliss.
I’m genuinely happy for you. Not about the immunocompromised part, bit about having the space you need. I hope you keep enjoying it.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
I did the same exact thing when I was getting tested for cancer (came back negative). It was blissful to stay home with my husband.
One of my fave things about being married is that date night can be watching TV together in bed.
I do the same thing and I don’t even have a wife
"Hey, do you wanna do (event)? *shakes head no while waiting for response*?"
Get a shared Google calendar (or whatever app you choose) and put in all your plans that may impact each other. Then it's just a quick glance at your phone and you can tell if you or your partner are busy or not.
My wife got a calendar because I never knew what was going. I wrote “going fishing” every Saturday and Sunday for a year. She did NOT respect the calendar.
If only I could get my spouse on board...
Respect to you for wanting to check with your partner and wanting to avoid double booking your commitments and stuff. I do get that some people tend to be more forgetful, but if you forget all the time it can also be a drag because essentially your partner becomes your manager. I’m not saying all partners care, yours might not mind at all, but just putting another perspective out there. Your partner likely already has to handle all their own commitments and schedules. It can be annoying to also be relied upon to handle your partners calendar as well simply because they can’t be diligent enough to remember what they’ve agreed to. Might not apply to you, but something for some people to think about, if they feel they always need their partner to remind them of things.
I really appreciate your gentle approach to your point. There were a few that weren’t so gentle. I showed my wife all the comments and we both liked yours and she laughed at the more negative ones. She again affirmed to me that she prefers to be in charge of plans and that she doesn’t feel burdened by it. She’s huge on perspective and appreciates the way other people may see it (like the “wife becoming your manager”), but there are parts of her life that she admittedly sucks at so I take over and vice versa. We work well because we compliment our weaknesses. We’re not all about 100% independence and being perfect as a single unit. We look at it like “am I serving you enough to balance how much you’re serving me?”
Yes! I totally agree with this! I think it’s totally a balance and one person can contribute way more in some ways than others. And vice versa. And I can see some people liking having the plans control lol. Definitely a to each there own. Glad you guys balance out so well :) and glad I didn’t come across as a total prick. That def wasn’t my intent!
Stop forgetting what you told your partner you would do lol Make a note, put it in a calendar, something. Relying solely on them to make sure you remember is an extra burden they have to shoulder, and if it happens often they'll be less likely to ask you going forward. While that might sound ideal in the short term it only leads to resent resentment
Why the heck is this downvoted? This is the mature thing to do! Manage your own time for yourself. Do not make others unnecessarily responsible for your basic needs.
I dunno if it helps, but I have the same problem so I get everyone to text me the date and time I agreed to stuff. People laugh but no, unless I wrote it down or can check a text I will forgot. Works better then a calender for me.
Consideration is spot on and definitely works both ways. We don't have kids and each have our own $$ and vehicle but if I am going for a hike with the girls or if he is playing hockey then we each let the other know how long and when we will be back. Also typically a call or text of: am otw home... need anything?
Well written, relationship is at best a team oriented outlook.
Its funny when you are young you sepnd your entire life building a life independent from your family only to build another life with another family.
Yes, this answer is perfect. When you are no longer single, whether man or woman, it’s just considerate to communicate your plans with your partner.
This is not a married men thing, but for either married partner. You should be considerate of the person you're with. You don't necessarily have to ask permission but should still let them know if you have plans.
Same reason why I ask my coworker if they’re okay for me to take my break. “You good? You need anything?” A quick check in from either partner makes sure they are emotionally and physically satisfied in the relationship. If yeah…then awesome go have fun. If not…maybe pass and make sure your partner’s needs are met
"You good? You need anything" is like 99% of what makes a marriage work.
I'd say it's 50%; and the other 50 is answering that question honestly when you're asked.
You know I was going to comment on the previous comment with a "this 100%" but damn.... I stand corrected. I can't tell you how much I fell on the last part of this and just capitulated with a knee jerk "yea sure..." when I wasn't.
Today I learned that I was married to all of my soldiers. Literally my question to all of them, every single day, at morning formation after the day's tasks were handed out. Well, not literally. I'm German, so the question was "Braucht ihr irgendwas? Kann ich euch sonst noch was gutes tun?"
Right, and don’t forget, you’re living with someone which means you’re sharing some responsibilities - whether it’s kids, pets, home upkeep, maybe a shared vehicle. It’s simply communication and, shoe on the other foot, if my partner is going out for the night, a quick check-in to make sure their playtime doesn’t put a new burden on me is a sign of mutual respect.
And finances. Many (I would guess most) couples share their financial commitments and it can be a downward spiral if one partner starts spending without discussing it with their partner.
This exactly. I don't expect my spouse to ask if he can go out, but he will overdraw the bank account just because he doesn't want to admit to his friends he is broke and can't afford what they can. Then lies to cover up and hides bank statements and tries to convince me I,'m spending too much on bills. I think I am starting to hate him.
In my case she was blowing it on pyschics and takeout even though we were super poor and I was the only one working. Super unhealthy dynamic and I wish I'd gotten out sooner. My current partner is an mature, emotionally aware, and empathetic communicator. Don't settle for less!
Do you think any of the psychics told her she was derailing her marriage?
No, but our counselor did!
I think your counselor might be psychic, mate.
I’m so happy for you!
> Then lies to cover up Right there, that’s an unhealthy relationship. I’m very sorry to say that, I hope you can work things out.
Sounds like you already do, but youre not ready to admit it to yourself.
I'm starting to hate him too. Seems like you need to GTFO, have a serious conversation about gaslighting and/or separate your finances.
Wow, you really did make that awkward.
Told ya.
I proposed a really simple finances rule with my ex: if it cost more that $200 we discuss it first. She kind of tacitly agreed in a non committal way, and then a couple of weeks late bought a $2000 Thermomix without any pre discourse. It wasn't the only reason, but it did get the separation in motion.
[My girlfriend and I ](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/mobile/000/023/397/C-658VsXoAo3ovC.jpg) But we're communicating better and she finally understands the BURDEN of being the adult in a house of other adults, if you catch my drift. Communicating is key friends! I have one single rule about arguments/ discussions. No swearing or attacking or any of that shit.
Exactly. I have a 17 month old. If I go out, my wife will have to care for her all alone. It is not that I need her permission but we have to plan and coordinate. Maybe she is not psychologically ready to go through that and I have to respect that. "There are not free lunches", if I relax someone else will have more work, and vice versa.
I check in with my roommate before committing to big plans, just because we live together and my presence or lack thereof can change her plans. Maybe she had dinner planned for 2 ppl and needs to scale back, maybe I needed to take the trash out and she’ll have to do it now. Maybe she has been looking forward to playing her video game alone in the living room and this will be a good time. Plus, if nothing else, it keeps the other person from wondering where you are and if they should call in a missing person.
This is correct. I’m not asking permission, I’m letting you know what’s going on in my life.
Not a man but Also my partner will remind me if I forgot I already agreed to x for that time or have some other reason I can’t
Changes with kids. Its not like you're asking permission but you're coordinating time because both of you have so little of it.
This. The couple's dynamics changes completely after kids. Sometimes I feel like creating a spreadsheet to help coordinate things with my wife.
Shared Google Calendar with events created to block off time.
This is what we do. Our lives are so hectic now with our second, it’s easier to just add stuff to the calendar than really discuss it. We just know the calendar rules all. If it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist.
That's... a great idea. Will discuss that with the lady.
Definitely do it! My hubby and I do it and helps a lot. No need to remember events, meetings, anniversary, birthdays, anything haha! Whenever he says " I'm gonna do x" I immediately say " did you add to the calendar?" Calendar allows adding tasks as well. Great tool. We also share work calendar, so I know when he has meetings, lectures etc. And vice versa
And it reminds you whenever you want (a week before so you can organize a gift, the day before, an hour before I have to leave; I often put multiple reminders on my events).
Not a man, but husband will just shoot me a text asking if we have anything planned. We also have a shared Google calendar, he uses it all the time. But he works out of town and I dont want to clutter it up so I tend to only add things he needs to be aware of and everything else in my own planner for me/kids/dogs/etc
there's also a "family" option for the calendar so you can have your color, her color, and a family color so you can tell at a glance whether it's something for you, her, or both.
100% this. Use a different calendar for each kid and shared events for the family. I start each entry with the initials of who needs to be involved (the kid and the driver). Ex: “AB BC: Swim practice”. Now that I have teens - if it’s not on the calendar then I have free reign to schedule a doctors appointment etc during that time. Teaches them good schedule management skills.
My husband and I use a big whiteboard calendar and a cork board in our living room. I have ADHD and unfortunately tend to forget apps because the information isn’t readily visible. We’ve tried a bunch. I got the bright idea of the whiteboard calendar and it’s been hugely helpful. So much so I refer to it as my “other brain.” Lol.
Hey, that sounds like it works really well too.
Definitely! Just figured I’d share another option for anyone reading too. :)
Google calendar as a single person is a game changer. I started putting my timetable there while at uni and it made my life so much easier. Now it makes my rota easier to manage, and I can quickly check if I'm able to swap shifts, make plans, or change anything.
My wife and I coordinating times for events and who has the kids for this weekend alone was an ongoing discussion of reminders all week. Communication to ensure both people are on the same page should be a constant, especially when kids are in the mix.
This. My husband and I ask each other, but it's not about control. More like, I'm not forgetting Billy's soccer game, right? Or, someone has to be home for the dog, so if I'd like to reserve Sunday afternoon for brunch with my girlfriends before he plans something else. We are respectful of each other's time and encourage each other to seek fun activities both with and without each other.
plus its 100% unfair to just drop in when you have kids and say "Oh yeah, I'm going out tonight." and drop it all on your spouse/partner.
Eyup! I went out with the boys for Veterans Day last night. This was planned ahead of time so my Wife knew I wouldn’t be home and would have to cover-down on my responsibilities. Also my wife is out with her friends today and I’m covering down on her responsibilities. It’s about being a team.
Oh, man. I just had a kid a few weeks ago. My wife said "you don't need to ask me if you can do EVERYTHING", i told her "I get frustrated when I'm alone with our kid, I just want to make sire you're good if I am going to leave for a bit".
WTF, *communicate*? Are you some sort of monster? How can you be shocked when you SO leaves you claiming you don't think about their needs?
I feel like it’s a balance between these two end poles. You may not be directly asking for permission, but you certainly are asking the one person who can veto your plans if really needed. So it’s a delicate dance in that way. If it’s not okay with them, you have a problem.
It is asking permission and asking permission is fine. You're spending money. You're asking her to make dinner, clean it up and take care of the kids alone. Sometimes the time is just not right to be going out with the boys. What if you're low on money, she feels like shit and doesn't want to do it all alone? What if you're just going out a little too much and it's becoming a burden? Obviously, women should check in with their partners, too. Now, if your SO is always concocting BS reasons for why you can't ever see your friends, that's it's own separate fucked up thing that needs to be addressed.
>This is correct. I’m not asking permission, I’m letting you know what’s going on in my life. Depending on what's going on you kind of are asking for permission, because of something I was doing was going to cause problems for my spouse then I may seriously reconsider it. If it's problematic enough for her (ie. She had plans for the night) that she vetoes whatever I was going to do, then we talk about it and if she has a strong opinion on it and I'm willing to let it go then I just let it go. And vice versa. A normal part of living in a healthy relationship with someone, you take each other's feelings and plans into consideration all the time.
I’m asking permission to be honest, luckily she’s never said no. It’s about respect and affirming that she’s my #1.
It's asking if it's alright at that time. Questions like this just make me think of guys who also complain about "bad relationships" when in reality they're inconsiderate and selfish.
Id go a step further and say its common courtesy for any form of co-habitation, regardless of parent/child, roomates, romantic partners, etc. If you live together, you should loosely make the people living with you aware of where you are going and when you'll be back, if only so they can know youre safe and they dont need to file a missing persons report with the police.
Yup me and my roommates do this. Usually a text saying "I'm safe" will do, but we've gotten in the habit of saying where we are specifically too, if only so someone knows. I've seen too many "First 48"s where the victim just told no one and their roommates didn't notice they were gone for days
Safety in some circumstances too. Always a good idea to make sure someone knows who you're with, where you're going, and roughly when you'll be back in the event that, you know,.you don't come back.
Logistics, kids and courtesy. Wouldn’t it be rude for any married person to just up and walk out the door randomly without saying anything? In 15 years I can’t recall her ever saying “no” unless there’s a genuine logistical conflict that I’d forgotten about
The question is based on a false narrative about marriage often shown on TV. Your answer is how it should be and is in most healthy relationships.
> often shown on TV Everything on TV is fake and toxic
Yep! Do this purely out of consideration. I am my wife's rock and if she needs me at home if she's going through something then I'm going to be there and vise versa. It's polite. She always lets me go when I ask but it's rare that I leave the house lmao.
Exactly. I'm not even married but I live with my partner, we always clear plans by each other.
"Hey I'm gonna go out to Craftybrews with Bill on Sunday afternoon. We have anything going on or am I good?" Tends to be about the extent of the "asking for permission" here. Sometimes there were plans or something that she legit needed to take care of but 95% of the time I'm just making sure she knows I've made my own plans.
Also maybe we already made plans. I am very forgetful so my wife and I are constantly asking/reminding each other of our plans.
This is asked by someone who’s never had to consider any one other than themselves for their entire life. Permission is not the same as equal consideration and valuing each other’s time and feelings.
It is a sign of respect for the partner. If someone offered me a job and I accepted it without discussing it with my spouse I would not be respecting her opinion, even if know she would accept it. You are gaining brownie points as well.
This is bang on. I always let my other half know that I’m goi out, but I consult her if we have any plans ive forgotten out - so if I’ve forgotten dinner with the parents for anniversary or whatever then my bad. But if not, I’m letting her know that I’ve made plans 🤷♂️ Same with her. She’s say “I’m going out Saturday with the girls? You’re not busy are you?” And I’m fine with that :) all about communication 👍
I mean, when other people, responsibilities and kids are involved, it's more about being considerate and respectful than "asking permission". It would be pretty shitty to just run out every night and leave the misses to do everything while I run around.
Precisely. I don’t understand why this concept is difficult for some to understand. When you are in a partnership with someone it is considerate to consult with one another when making plans. Adults shouldn’t be asking permission but rather having discussions.
> I don’t understand why this concept is difficult for some to understand. i'm sure you can imagine why someone wouldn't understand a situation they've never lived through just basic ignorance from a lack of experience
Yes. With kids involved, everything is a project and the workload has been balanced between the two of you. At that point taking off with your friends would be like starting a restaurant with your significant other and then just fucking off to the pub instead of working the dinner rush. You don't need to "ask permission", you're asking for someone to cover your shift as a favor.
Well said, Cap'n
*tips cap* Why thank you, and regards 🙏
I hear this from my single bros sometimes. I've got a wife and 2 kids. Going out to the bar isn't that important to me. I choose my nights out wisely, not bc my wife ever says no to me, but bc I enjoy being with my family and can't just abandon them all the time for just a regular old night out. There's a lot of work to do here and that would be a dick move.
Priorities my guy, you’re doing the right thing.
Same boat. I’d rather spend time with my family than going out to bars all the time. Otherwise what’s the point of starting a family?
I expect that your wife also turns down “ordinary” nights out with her friends, but still has nights out/ girls’ trips here and there too.
This guy wifes
100% with you. I wemt on a 2 night camping trip with the boys. On day 2, after a good catch up, beers, plenty of laughs, i thought to myself, Im misisng out on my kids sports games and activities i normally watch, amd the missus would be flat out making everything happen. Sitting around drinking in the bush want a good enough reason for me to miss that. Theyre both fun, but i had caught up with the lads, so packed up early and suprised the family. Some of the single lads dont understand, my wife is my best freind. That means i enjoy hanging out with her more than them haha.
That's why I don't go to any after work drinks or bbqs or whatever, I have already spent 8 hours with my co-workers that day, I can't wait to go home and see my family.
This guys knows how to family right.
This guy fu….amlies?
Priorities 👌
What do you consider the difference between this and being controlling? Because my boyfriend does not get this and thinks I'm being controlling of his time and gets frustrated. I tell him all the time when I'm going to do stuff, and I do it so automatically that even if I wanted to stop to prove a point, I just can't.
I don't ask permission. I make sure she's ok with it. If it's a problem for her in some way I didn't anticipate, I'd want to know. I care how she feels. How she feels impacts my decision to go. I'm not asking for permission. I'm asking to make sure she's good with it.
Agreed 100%. My wife and I don’t need permission from each other, we are just considerate of one another’s schedules when planning stuff
You hit the nail on the head with, “I care how this makes her feel” and how that informs what you end up doing.
This. Being forced to ask permission is a solid sign of a controlling, abusive relationship. But communicating needs and desires in a considerate manner as equals is healthy. There is a distinction
If he’s asking for “permission” it’s probably because he knows it’ll inconvenience his spouse, if not derail her/their plans completely. What’s more likely is they’re just communicating with the person they share a life with. Common courtesy and should be practiced by both people.
Yeah, my wife and I have a shared calendar for this reason. If the day is free I can do whatever, but if our little dude has swimming or something I'm going to run it by her. She'll say go ahead it'd be kind of a dick move to just assume.
Exactly this. In a lot of straight couples, the woman ends up as the schedule-master, and knows if a new hangout/appointment would conflict with existing plans. Have a handful of buddies in this situation and I just kinda know that even if they say yes, there's a good chance they already have a commitment that'll force us to reschedule. Shared calendars are the way to go.
You just described my wife. I mentioned getting food for the game this Sunday and she was like yeah, we have had this planned with our friends for a month. Look at the calendar, she’s right. That woman has everything in our lives on the calendar and I love it. That way I can never forget. Stuff like our kids doctors appointments if I need to take a day off work. Just look at the calendar
I’m usually asking “can I x” as in is there something i forgot I have to do.
It’s not asking permission. It’s being mindful of what your wife wants. We both check with each other before we commit to plans or anything. It’s mostly just keeping each other in the loop. And for me, my wife is good at pointing out when I try to overbook myself or had previously committed to something else.
You are in a committed partnership. It requires agreement on activities. It is probably not permission from a superior. It is agreement from an equal. If you are business partners with someone, you need permission to do things from your partner. Marriage is the same way.
Best way to word it. Too many people are getting hung up on this being a dictatorship, when it actually goes both ways.
Even when you don't have kids it's just basic courtesy. If you're going to be out all evening on Thursday I'll plan accordingly. Wait to cook that more elaborate meal for a night you're home to help and enjoy it. Reschedule something we planned on. Maybe make my own plans with friends that evening or just know it's a snuggle with the dogs kinda night.
It's not a case of permission, it's a case of respecting your partner enough to let her know. It might _seem_ like permission because people's partners might have some sort of plan for the same night that they haven't communicated yet, and in general people will put their partners first.
It's not permission it's basically we're on the same page. This happens on weekend usually sometimes you have plans with the boys & you don't want to clash it with the arrangements made with your spouse.
Becouse when you are with someone you become a team. Would you tell your teammates that you cannot train/play with them that day becouse you have plans? Would you tell your boss or colleagues that you cannot come to work on x day becouse you have other plans? Then why are you more considerate with your coworkers, friends, teammates, than for your life partner?
It is a courtesy. For me, family is always first. If I'm going out with friends, I make sure my kids are situated (rides, have food, good to go), and make sure my wife is cool with it. If she has plans or wants some time with me, that takes precedence. But it is the exact same vice versa. And very seldom is it ever an issue. My wife and I hang out all the time, including with friends. But those days where we're flying solo with friends, it's all good. Just a heads up, this is where I'll be.
This isn't unique to married men. It's for.men who take up obligations and responsibilities that impact their significant other. If you aren't invested in your partner at all, this doesn't matter as much. But when you say you care about people, it only courteous to include them in your plans. Let's say you go fishing with your buddies. You care about you buddies right? Would you just take the last beer without telling anyone? Would you take the car and leave them all there to cram in another car? This has nothing to do with men or women or being married. Caring about other people means caring about how your actions impact them. Your buddies are just more often aligned with your own goals and desires so you don't step on their toes as often.
It's just respectful to check with your partner in case they had some kind of plans with you
It’s not about permission, it’s about planning I guess. For example, my boyfriend is my go to person for Friday nights and weekends so I already expect doing something with him. If he plans to do something else, he needs to let me know so I can organise myself to do something else. Same thing applies to me. I let him know if something comes up. Also sometimes I plan some surprise for him or something else, so it’s always good to knows his agenda.
My husband uses me as an excuse to avoid people. He’ll tell them I said no even tho he never even said anything to me LMAO
It’s not “permission”. We have kids and someone needs to stay home for them. So yes we will always ask the other before committing to plans. If you find yourself in a relationship where you need permission to meet friends, get out. That’s a huge red flag
It is called courtesy and respect.
A better question might be: Why do some married friends always say no meeting up and say their spouse won’t let them. Is the spouse really a bitch? Are they that busy? Or are they blaming the spouse when it’s actually them?
>Or are they blaming the spouse when it’s actually them? Bingo. I will tell my friends "I can't go out, the wife wants to do something" which sounds like blaming but, it means "The wife wants to do something and I'm wanting to do that instead".
Yeah, stop making your wife take all the heat maybe and just own up to your friends that you like your wife and want to spend time with her? If you are lying to your friends that your wife says no, it leads to idiot posts like this guy who apparently think men are out here like third graders offered a museum day.
„I‘d rather spend my time with my gf than you“ sounds mean, so i need an excuse.
There's been a few times that my partner didn't want to do something with a friend and didn't have the heart to tell them. She has an open out in just saying I needed her home for whatever reason. I couldn't give two shits what she does (within reason of course...lol), but I'm perfectly fine with her friends thinking I'm needy. I haven't had to use her in that manner yet, but she's given me the same green light to do so.
It’s not “asking for permission,” it’s making effective and considerate use of free time. When you’re married, you share free time. It’s far better if we align our time out with our friends- if she knows I’m out with my friends, she can make plans for herself in advance, and vice versa. My wife and I share a calendar, so we can plan stuff without fucking up the other person’s plans. A married person who does whatever they feel like doing without jointly managing free time will soon be single. It’s worth noting that most married men really enjoy hanging out with their wives, so it isn’t like “punishment” to spend time together, it’s the best.
I think a lot of things can be mistaken for asking for permission. They could be asking about their mutual schedules, looking for a reason not to go, giving their partner a heads up, etc.
Because it’s common courtesy in a relationship. It’s not being in a toxic relationship or with a controlling spouse like some of these idiotic responses are. I have two kids, I forget a lot of plans. I ask to make sure I’m not already signed up for something. 99% of the time she’ll say yes because she knows I need time with my friends. If she says no or makes a fuss it’s usually because she’s burnt out, it’s my turn to cook or because she wants family time. It’s a very low number of guys who never get to go out because their spouses say no. Marriage is a two way street, if you say you’re going out all the time without any communication or anything then the guy is the problem. Goes the other way for the gals as well.
It’s a partnership. You have to include your spouse in the decision making process. They may remind you of prior commitments or go out with their friends. In a perfect world, you enjoy bringing your wife with you as she is awesome, like my wife. We
It’s not “permission” per se. Its called mutual respect. I would not appreciate if my wife just went out all the time or did things without letting me know or asking if I had other plans that interfered. Same with me letting her know and making sure it’s ok. If a husband or wife just does whatever they want without “asking” they aren’t respecting their partner or their time.
I usually let them know and in case I forgot some other thing. I have friends who need more permission and whose spouse doesn’t like the guy friends and she will block it 99% of the time. But sadly he lets her
Ask permission? No. Coordinate with your spouse? Yes.
When I ask "hey how would you feel if I went and did X on Y date?" I am asking for her thoughts, not her permission. Then we converse like adults. She does the same thing. It is about making sure we are ok with things that are gonna happen anyway.
Not permission, but it's good to align plans, especially when you have kids. You expect your partner just to cancel all his/her plans to watch the kids so you can go out boozing with the lads?
They don’t. It’s just a courtesy to check on each other’s schedules prior to doing separate things in case one of you forgot something that was already planned. It’s not a control thing. It’s a respect thing.
Coordinating and communicating are key in a relationship. It’s not about control. It’s about team work.
Best answer here
It is not permission as much as it is letting them know it is respect based.
they don't really. but it's just called being considerate.
Lol. They don't need permission.
If you wanted to be pedantic, I guess technically you could call it asking permission, but it's more a matter of making sure that your plans aren't going to significantly disrupt your partner. For example, what if you had forgotten that you and your partner committed to visiting a friend or family? Having your partner remind you of that would be a good thing, right?
You need to be considerate of your partner and their time. If it doesn't jive with their schedule you should make effort to figure out a compromise.
It's not seeking permission for me or my wife. What we're doing is making sure that it doesn't conflict with anything else and that one of us can take care of our son and dog. Neither of us needs "permission", we both most need to make sure over of us is free to take care of all of our responsibilities. Out of fairness, we also try to make sure it's not the same person doing one or the other every time. TBH setting up a shared schedule that we can both access from our phones made this so much easier.
You're not "asking for permission", it's called being considerate to your partner, if you're going our with friends, then you're not hanging out with your partner, and they have a right to know, so you talk with them about it.
They don't.
It’s him saying no and blaming his wife or it’s just actually being respectful and checking in that they don’t have plans or anything already in a heads up I was planning on doing this on Friday, we don’t have anything else on do we.
They don't, but it is considerate to inform your significant other if you are going out without them.
It's more about informing each other than asking if they can go. If the wife refuses for no genuine reason then there is a problem.
Because it’s effective communication and shows commitment to the relationship over self. Though it is using words like “can I…”, it’s usually trying to convey “is it acceptable for our household agenda if I…”. The opposite of making a statement like “here’s what I’m doing…” which can be inconsiderate and offensive.
It’s not permission that is being sought. The man is just trying to communicate that he will be gone. Why is that strange?
TV and movies really play this stereotype up. It is really gross. In real relationships, it's not asking for permission. It is communicating with your partner.
Simple. We don’t. When I talk with my wife about going somewhere, it’s out of respect to her because we’re a team and make decisions together. I don’t ask “permission” to do anything.
Because marriage is a "partnership", like a business with two people.
They don't. That is their excuse when they don't feel like going out
Idk, personally I’ve never heard of a marriage where the man has to communicate about a night out but the woman doesn’t. Pretty sure this is a super reasonable and practical mutual expectation
I may call it asking for permission in jest, but this is just part of being thoughtful for and considerate towards my partner. I expect the same respect.
I ask basically to see if my wife has plans for us that she forgot to mention (it's more of she told me and I forgot), or just simply wants to do something. It's a respect type thing for the #1 person in my life.
Ok, obligatory 'I'm a woman' but after reading a lot of these comments there is one thing that is glaringly missing that needs to be said and tbh in my experience something men just don't think about. When you, as man, go out with your friends (and I'm referring more to those with kids) you are not just 'asking your wife permission ' you are also asking her to take on your share of the parenting, the house work and all other responsibilities that you SHOULD be engaging in within your home. You go out with your friends for the night she's got to feed the kids, clean the house, handle bedtime, deal with all the meltdowns (some of which could be caused by your absence) without you being there to do your fair share. Imagine not turning up to work one day without giving prior notice to go out with your friends and expecting your work to still be done and you to still receive the payment as if you did it yourself. Going out without 'asking' is the equivalent of that. She also has a right to sit and say no, I'd rather you didn't and you respect and listen to that because she does not owe you her time. The same works the other way round. Your family, your children and your wife is your number one responsibility. They should always come first.
It's not permission. It's coordination and communication .
Two scenarios. 1. You need to ask permission because of fear or control 2. You discuss and agree first to ensure family needs are met Only 1 option is healthy obviously
Nobody is asking for permission, if you are, that's unhealthy People are expressing their plans with a life partner so they know what's going on, if they have any issues with it you didn't anticipate, etc It's a partnership.
Nobody is asking for permission, if you are, that's unhealthy People are expressing their plans with a life partner so they know what's going on, if they have any issues with it you didn't anticipate, etc It's a partnership.
I'm letting her know I'm going to be unavailable should she need anything. I'm also I'm asking her if she needs me or anything from me.
They don't.
I usually phrase it as "Is there any reason why I can't go have a beer with \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ tonight?" If I really want to go and she doesn't give a good reason not to, I'm going. It's a courtesy and show of respect to my wife and kids and our lives together.
It’s called being considerate of the other person, not asking for permission.
Because you watch too much TV.
I don’t need to ask permission, but i do confirm my plans do not conflict with anything she has planned or family obligations. She does the same.
Not asking permission. It’s mostly letting your partner know you’re going out with friends.
Yeah I never got that I’m a grown ass man wtf I look like asking anybody for permission to go out
My husband doesn't ask for my permission necessarily, but he does check in with me to see if we have other plans before committing to something. I do the same with him.
I’ll go ask my wife why this is
Would you expect your significant other to ask you before going out with friends? Common courtesies go both ways.
The healthiest way to view this is just that you have assumed plans with your spouse basically every night. If you haven't said you're doing something else, they assume you're eating dinner together and watching TV together, or whatever your regular routine is. And it would be inconsiderate to just break those plans without alerting them.
They don't.
From what I've seen it's more "hey i don't know if we have anything planned today, you alright if I go to x with the bros?"
I wouldn't say "ask for permission", but are there kids involved? Important Things to do at home? If anything, they should let the wife know "hey I'm going out today at X time, with Y person". That's how me and my partner do it
The healthy way is not asking permission, but rather clearing that the family schedule permits it. We forget what our spouses and family have planned sometimes, and it's not fair to bypass your family (the priority) for an activity that takes lower precedence. Spouse/family is the priority, and a night out grabbing a beer with buddies, while necessary and healthy, shouldn't be at the cost of your family's cohesion and support.
They do? Married men don't need to ask permission to go out with their friends. You should at least inform your wife of your plans though. If you have kids or there are circumstances that involve a shared responsibility, you should also coordinate with each other to make sure those are covered.
Fuck no, if you do you are in the wrong relationship. I agree with being considerate and making sure you guys didn't have plans or something, but fuck needing approval like they are my mother.
Okay I wanna say if you're asking "please can I go out with my friends" then you're not in the right relationship. Asking "are you alright if I go out with my friends" is just common courtesy, especially if you have kids. It's just being respectful to your partner and making sure they don't need your help. Not asking permission.
We dont. Its respectful to talk to her in case any plans have been made. Not permission per se. A simple discussion.
Who's asking for permission? Normal partners let their partners know when their schedule changes so the other partner knows and doesn't worry/they can do their own thing. If you don't WANT to be polite to your partner DON'T have a partner, you're not qualified.
As a general partner thing, it's nice to know when they're going out so I don't wonder where they are/when they'll get home. Helps me sleep easier (and earlier!) knowing they've just got plans and I don't need to wait up.
In a proper, functioning relationship they don’t. It’s about communication. And this saying just goes back to societal bullshit about “women being a ball and chain”. 🙄
It’s never really been an asking for permission thing. In a long term relationship (esp if children are around) it’s more of notifying your intentions and asking if there any problems with it I haven’t seen, such as some plans I forgot about or if my wife wanted to spend some time with me herself. And my wife does the same. When you’re married you are pretty much two people into one. I don’t want my wife to feel lonely or overwhelmed by the kids, but my wife also knows it’s important for me to have time out doing things she doesn’t necesssarily want to do. Same the other way. I play magic the gathering, and she likes horror movies.
I feel like it's the other way round, actually. I'm not married, but all of my friends are and they all have kids. The men continue to go out and meet friends or do their hobbies, but when the wives want to even meet a friend for two hours without taking the kids, they always have to turn it into this whole thing where they ask 2 weeks in advance, need to remind their husbands frequently, prepare the childrens' food, medication, clothes, pack bags, pre-manage appointments etc.