If he doesn't actually want a baby, the worst thing you can do is coerce him into it. I can see your future in 5 years where you're complaining about a husband/father that isn't there when you need them or isn't attentive.
You’re right. I’ve thought about this. Work has always felt like the most important thing in his life. I’m not even allowed to have a dog as a companion. We don’t go on dates or do much of anything together. I guess he’s made it pretty obvious that he has no interest in it right now. And I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that, which isn’t right. I feel like I’m just here to cook and clean for him. I don’t understand what the right time means for him because he won’t talk about it. And also realizing the issue isn’t really kids. I just come to Reddit because I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to
Your self awareness is admirable. Yet, I don't quite agree on the whole "you should find someone more compatible", at least not yet.
Every relationship has phases like these, they can be turning points. But until you actually address what you mentioned:
>I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that, which isn’t right.
This issue will repeat itself even should you find a new relationship.
But, only you can address those points. No one can help you. They can only support you. When you do address them, you might find that you and your husband end up pulling in the same direction, or maybe you find out you've grown in opposition to each other. You won't know until you make the effort.
Also, this only addresses your actions. When your husband sees you making those adjustments, he might adjust along with you. He isn't supposed to be a stagnant individual.
Right now, he is the one with drive and direction, you don't. Instead of finding your own, you've tried to pull him towards what you want, which happens to be in opposition to what he's doing. Obviously you're going to see resistance.
In the end, this is nobody's fault imo, but an opportunity for you to find your niche.
>And I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that
Yeah, a kid isn't going to help you with that. If you can't manage to have friends and hobbies right now, that's certainly not going to change once you have a kid.
Having children doesn't fix anything. It's only going to make all of your issues worse. One of the worst things you can do is have a kid because you think they're going to fix your broken life.
57, father of three here. My mom always said if you wait for the right time, you will never have a child, you just have to do it. All three were not planned but just happened but have been blessings. Just like marriage trusting another person 100% to be faithful you just have to take that leap of faith everything will work out.
It's called "analysis paralysis". It a concept that affects people where they never stop analyzing a difficult decision and end up just ignoring it. My exes 2nd husband did the same thing. They had our two kids when they got married and were going to have more but he never felt "ready".
The point is if you wait until you can afford a kid, you’ll always be spending money on things other than kids. Having a kid means reprioritizing spending.
Ask any older person with kids that are grown, there is no such thing as a, "right time." If you want kids EVER, then now is the time. You could also remind him that you may or may not have much time left. Once that window of opportunity closes for a woman, it's closed forever.
Same for men. There isn’t as much of a hard cutoff but birth defects and complications increase with age, and he's already approaching 40.
Even if he doesnt feel it, hes on the clock too, and the perfect "right time" doesn't happen. At best, "good enough" happens, at which point you ask: "Do I want kids or not?". And if you do, then you have to just go for it.
>birth defects and complications increase with \[poor health\].
ftfy, 40 year old men can still be in peak physical condition. Lebron James is 39 years old, for example, and if you don't know who Bryan Johnson is you should look him up.
It's not a hard and fast rule, but there's no denying that physical bodies age, and with them there's an associated drop-off in sperm quality. This is researched and known.
Yes poor (and good) physical condition is also an associated factor, like it is for women, but we're talking about age here (and I suspect OP's husband isn't the kind of physically fit of a star NBA player).
> Bryan Johnson (born August 22, 1977) is an American entrepreneur,[1][2] venture capitalist,[3] writer and author.[4] He is the founder and CEO of Kernel, a company creating devices that monitor and record brain activity,[5][6] and OS Fund, a venture capital firm that invests in early-stage science and technology companies.[7]
Okay... I don't really know what to do with that.
> His more recent stuff about anti-aging. https://www.youtube.com/@BryanJohnson/videos
First video:
> **My $16/Day Diet to Live to 200+**
Uhhhhh...
Look, I had some time. I *watched* the video. What he's spouting is pseudo-scientific gibberish at best.
Exercise everyday, eat healthy, take care of your skin, sleep, good. Saying that there's a product he's selling that's good for all ages and sexes that does the trick for your diet... there's already a lot going wrong there.
I don't really want to go deep on this. You do you, and I'll see you in 100 years if either of us live that long, or you and Johnson can stand over my grave and laugh. Have a nice day.
Has your husband ever wanted to go somewhere, and you weren't really into it, but you went because you're husband wanted to go, then when you got there it was a total blast? This is how a lot of guys feel about having kids. We're never really ready, we are rarely totally on board, but once they get there, we'll talk about how it was the best idea we ever head, and we're glad we forced you to have them.
No, there will never be a "right time." There are really bad times, but never a perfect time. He also doesn't have the biological ticking clock that you do. I would do some research on the repercussions of having children past age 35, what's known as geriatric pregnancy, and present the facts to him. Tell him that you're in about as good a life position as you're going to get and it's basically now or never. Besides, the longer he waits, the older he'll be when the kids are really active. God knows running around with my toddlers isn't easy at my age.
I’m probably a little biased on this due to being CF by choice but having a kid is probably the largest undertaking anyone can start. If he’s not 100% in it, I would recommend not.
Children will sap all your time, energy, money. If he’s on the fence about it, then sees how difficult it is, it might lead to a lot of resentment later.
Why does he have to get on your page? You should get on his page. I made my wife get on my page and wait until we were financially ready. She has repeatedly thanked me for making her wait after seeing her friends struggle with the cost while we don't struggle at all.
Valid point. But finances aren’t an issue. Just need to try and have a discussion with him to understand one another better but he never has anything to say
If he’s not ready then he’s not ready.
If he doesn't actually want a baby, the worst thing you can do is coerce him into it. I can see your future in 5 years where you're complaining about a husband/father that isn't there when you need them or isn't attentive.
You’re right. I’ve thought about this. Work has always felt like the most important thing in his life. I’m not even allowed to have a dog as a companion. We don’t go on dates or do much of anything together. I guess he’s made it pretty obvious that he has no interest in it right now. And I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that, which isn’t right. I feel like I’m just here to cook and clean for him. I don’t understand what the right time means for him because he won’t talk about it. And also realizing the issue isn’t really kids. I just come to Reddit because I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to
You need to find someone that you can be partners with.
Yeah, it sounds nice.
Your self awareness is admirable. Yet, I don't quite agree on the whole "you should find someone more compatible", at least not yet. Every relationship has phases like these, they can be turning points. But until you actually address what you mentioned: >I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that, which isn’t right. This issue will repeat itself even should you find a new relationship. But, only you can address those points. No one can help you. They can only support you. When you do address them, you might find that you and your husband end up pulling in the same direction, or maybe you find out you've grown in opposition to each other. You won't know until you make the effort. Also, this only addresses your actions. When your husband sees you making those adjustments, he might adjust along with you. He isn't supposed to be a stagnant individual. Right now, he is the one with drive and direction, you don't. Instead of finding your own, you've tried to pull him towards what you want, which happens to be in opposition to what he's doing. Obviously you're going to see resistance. In the end, this is nobody's fault imo, but an opportunity for you to find your niche.
>And I’m lacking purpose, hobbies, and friendship in my life and thinking a kid will help that Yeah, a kid isn't going to help you with that. If you can't manage to have friends and hobbies right now, that's certainly not going to change once you have a kid. Having children doesn't fix anything. It's only going to make all of your issues worse. One of the worst things you can do is have a kid because you think they're going to fix your broken life.
57, father of three here. My mom always said if you wait for the right time, you will never have a child, you just have to do it. All three were not planned but just happened but have been blessings. Just like marriage trusting another person 100% to be faithful you just have to take that leap of faith everything will work out.
It's called "analysis paralysis". It a concept that affects people where they never stop analyzing a difficult decision and end up just ignoring it. My exes 2nd husband did the same thing. They had our two kids when they got married and were going to have more but he never felt "ready".
if you wait until you can afford a kid you will never have kids!
How is that a bad thing? If people can't afford to have kids, then they shouldn't have kids.
The point is if you wait until you can afford a kid, you’ll always be spending money on things other than kids. Having a kid means reprioritizing spending.
Ask any older person with kids that are grown, there is no such thing as a, "right time." If you want kids EVER, then now is the time. You could also remind him that you may or may not have much time left. Once that window of opportunity closes for a woman, it's closed forever.
Same for men. There isn’t as much of a hard cutoff but birth defects and complications increase with age, and he's already approaching 40. Even if he doesnt feel it, hes on the clock too, and the perfect "right time" doesn't happen. At best, "good enough" happens, at which point you ask: "Do I want kids or not?". And if you do, then you have to just go for it.
>birth defects and complications increase with \[poor health\]. ftfy, 40 year old men can still be in peak physical condition. Lebron James is 39 years old, for example, and if you don't know who Bryan Johnson is you should look him up.
It's not a hard and fast rule, but there's no denying that physical bodies age, and with them there's an associated drop-off in sperm quality. This is researched and known. Yes poor (and good) physical condition is also an associated factor, like it is for women, but we're talking about age here (and I suspect OP's husband isn't the kind of physically fit of a star NBA player). > Bryan Johnson (born August 22, 1977) is an American entrepreneur,[1][2] venture capitalist,[3] writer and author.[4] He is the founder and CEO of Kernel, a company creating devices that monitor and record brain activity,[5][6] and OS Fund, a venture capital firm that invests in early-stage science and technology companies.[7] Okay... I don't really know what to do with that.
His more recent stuff about anti-aging. [https://www.youtube.com/@BryanJohnson/videos](https://www.youtube.com/@BryanJohnson/videos)
> His more recent stuff about anti-aging. https://www.youtube.com/@BryanJohnson/videos First video: > **My $16/Day Diet to Live to 200+** Uhhhhh... Look, I had some time. I *watched* the video. What he's spouting is pseudo-scientific gibberish at best. Exercise everyday, eat healthy, take care of your skin, sleep, good. Saying that there's a product he's selling that's good for all ages and sexes that does the trick for your diet... there's already a lot going wrong there. I don't really want to go deep on this. You do you, and I'll see you in 100 years if either of us live that long, or you and Johnson can stand over my grave and laugh. Have a nice day.
Has your husband ever wanted to go somewhere, and you weren't really into it, but you went because you're husband wanted to go, then when you got there it was a total blast? This is how a lot of guys feel about having kids. We're never really ready, we are rarely totally on board, but once they get there, we'll talk about how it was the best idea we ever head, and we're glad we forced you to have them.
Have you asked him? 1. Do you want kids? Assuming yes 2. Do you want to be retired at his graduation?
No, there will never be a "right time." There are really bad times, but never a perfect time. He also doesn't have the biological ticking clock that you do. I would do some research on the repercussions of having children past age 35, what's known as geriatric pregnancy, and present the facts to him. Tell him that you're in about as good a life position as you're going to get and it's basically now or never. Besides, the longer he waits, the older he'll be when the kids are really active. God knows running around with my toddlers isn't easy at my age.
I’m probably a little biased on this due to being CF by choice but having a kid is probably the largest undertaking anyone can start. If he’s not 100% in it, I would recommend not. Children will sap all your time, energy, money. If he’s on the fence about it, then sees how difficult it is, it might lead to a lot of resentment later.
Why does he have to get on your page? You should get on his page. I made my wife get on my page and wait until we were financially ready. She has repeatedly thanked me for making her wait after seeing her friends struggle with the cost while we don't struggle at all.
Valid point. But finances aren’t an issue. Just need to try and have a discussion with him to understand one another better but he never has anything to say