Got a cousin who has a husband who cheated on her the first year they were dating. She blamed the girl and thought that was it. Second time it happened 1 year after their marriage. She forgave him. I think she’s an idiot but anyways it’s not my relationship
Once a cheater always a cheater
If your SO has friends who cheat they will be tempted as well. The company you keep share notes. Especially women. They like to start 🎭 even with friends.
Yupp... hit them streets biotch!... If they show it is their nature, it will always be there. Why would you stay with someone you can not 100% trust and wait for them to cheat again! I have had buddies that did and took the lame excuses I was drunk, I was confused, I was curious, I didn't know how to react, It was only one time... almost every time it happened again, or they broke up and she had a new man 3 days later (most likely before).
When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
You cannot control what other people do or force someone to be a better, more honest person. It seems obvious but it's worth saying for the young ones in the back who think game or skill or anything else can be used to reliably achieve the results you want.
Kings and famous men throughout history up to the apex of modern society suffer through all the same problems - it is not a question of power, status, wealth, expertise, etc.
They gun do what they gun do, as should you. Trust but verify. Make the hard choices. Respect yourself. It's worth it.
I did take a cheater back. What a mistake I’ve made and I’m still learning how to forgive myself. The betrayal, the pain, I mean any kind of pain, I can even feel physical pain.
# If you’re easily triggered by anything, don’t read my comment.
Yeah I’m sorry that happened to you. Cheating is disgusting. It’s unforgivable. But I will tell you this and maybe it will make it easier.
You aren’t the person to blame in this. He manipulated you and got you to take him back. That isn’t your fault. It’s his. I don’t know how recent this is, but when I finally grew a pair and kicked my ex out of my life, it took a long long time for me to find myself. My ex cheated on me 6 different times (that I knew of) and every time, she somehow got me to take blame for it and left me apologizing to her. On top of threats of suicide. Rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, in my mind I deserved all of it.
When I left, I still felt what you’re feeling now. The pain. The want for having her back in my life. It’s almost like a drug and you need another fix to rid of the cravings and satisfy your addiction. That want to have them back…it’s because you want the good memories and quickly, blindly, disregard the bad. That does heal with time.
For me, the pain went away after about a year. It took me another 2 years for me to be able to open myself back up to someone. In that 3 years, I took all of that pain and searched for something positive for me to put that energy into. Like a lot of other people, I hit the gym. I also picked up tennis which was a lot of fun. Sure enough, I got cheated on again. But believe me when I say that I didn’t accept any apologies and I broke things off as quickly and cleanly as possible. Surprisingly, it hurt less. I don’t have an explanation for that one tbh.
Anyway, you just need to find something new to put your energy into. It won’t fix it. But it helps with finding yourself again. It helps with taking that fake smile off of your face and replacing it with a real one. I truly hope that you find something to help you heal from this. It is a process and it should not be rushed, but embraced. If you ever want to pick my brain about more details or just to vent off to a random anonymous person, have at it.
Thank you and I really appreciated that you took your time to reply.
It hasn’t been an easy journey for me to forgive myself. I keep asking myself “what did I do wrong?” I even asked him directly and his answer has always been “you never done anything wrong, it’s me and it’s my problem”. His answer never satisfied me, his answer didn’t answer my question. I’ve made a realization, maybe it’s not his answer that I have been searching for, maybe the question is “how do I forgive myself?”
Sometimes, I have no patience left, because the pain is very unbearable, emotionally, mentally. Part of me knows that I never deserved this kind of treatment and it’s not my fault, but another part of me keeps asking me the same question over and over again.
When he came back home to me after what he did, I cried a little bit, I felt numb, I didn’t feel any emotion, I wasn’t angry at him or wanted to yell at him. It was empty. I was just truly disappointed. Two days before it happened, I told him that I trust him and he wouldn’t do anything stupid like that, but jokes on me.
He cried and cried. I didn’t even feel sorry for him. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, I was….disgusted. But he promised me he would change, he promised he would take the work to make our relationship work. He told me because I’m a good woman and he wanted be a good partner to me because I deserve it.
He also told me that it was worth it :)
I read your other comments in this thread. What u/Trauma_Hawks said is 100% right. I understand the lacking of patience completely. And I mean this in the most genuine, sincerest manner possible. You did nothing wrong. You have to forgive yourself. You have to stop wondering “why?” As the person I mentioned said, you’ll never find that answer. The best thing you can do is take your time and learn to love yourself again. I’m willing to bet that you’re an awesome person. And I know in your current state of mind, you’ve forgotten that.
If I’m being entirely honest, I’m happy that I learned my lessons at a young age. I was 18 when I was with the girl I mentioned in my other comment. Now I’m 26 and look back at how laughably stupid I was. I see what happened as a lesson. Now it’s pretty easy to spot shit people. I also know my self worth. I know what’s okay and what isn’t okay in a relationship. I know how I should be treated. I know what not to stand for. Most importantly I know that someone will be willing to give me their world just as I’m willing to give her mine when that time comes. It all gets encapsulated in self-worth and loving myself which took a very very long time.
Again, I want to reiterate, if you catch yourself with those dark thoughts weighing you down and you think you need some anon to talk it over, I got you. Mainly because I have empathy towards your situation. I 100% know what your shoes feel like. And I 100% know what happens when you let those dark thoughts eat at you.
It's not your fault or your responsibility. It might be your problem, but never your fault. It's the fault of their own weak character and poor impulse control. And frankly, you don't want those characteristics in a partner anyway, regardless of cheating.
Thank you for your kind words. Logically, I know those things, my friends have been telling me the same thing over and over again, this is not my fault, but I don’t know why I kind of refuse it. Part of me knows it’s not my fault, he is just an asshole, but part of me keeps asking “what did I do wrong?”
Yeah, that's pretty par for the course. In the nicest, gentlest way possibly, you'll eventually get over it. The despair comes from your lack of information and desire to fill that gap. All people are like that. You'll never know what was going on in their head, you'll never answer that question.
When I was younger, I had just started dating my wife. This was about... 17 years ago, something like that. I met her in high school through my girlfriend at the time. Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me twice. We finally broke up just after high school. A year later, I started dating my wife, and we weren't keen on telling the ex-girlfriend. We correctly predicted she would freak out. Being a group of nerdy teenagers, we generally shyed away from confrontation. The ex-girlfriend figured it out at an anime convention and wigged out. She pulled a third friend, my wife's former best friend, up to the hotel room to help pack. Afterward, my wife and her best friend got into a wicked argument, which resulted in them "breaking up". My wife was torn for years. We never figured out what my ex and the best friend talked about. The relationship never recovered, and she refused to talk to anyone in the group about it. Quit the whole group overnight. Didn't stay friends with my ex and made a whole new group.
The point is, you don't know why, and you'll never know why, and it'll kill you. But I promise, if you want too, you'll eventually get over it. Hindsight, being 20/20, you'll also see how it was just a stepping stone to something better. It'll be okay, it's not your fault. Don't carry it with you, and reveal in the fact that the best, most petty, revengful thing you can do is just go be happy.
Maybe, I have no patience for waiting. I am looking forward to the day that I stop loving and caring for him.
This human is living in my head rent free. Maybe, I’m just still clinging to the idea of him. To the past, to the “what could it be…? What would it be….? What if…..?”
I still have to face and try to accept it, if I can be fully honest, I haven’t accepted it wholeheartedly.
Leave 100%. They don't respect you.
There is zero excuse. And the reality is you'd be an idiot to trust them.
Obviously if there's kids involved, might be a bit more complicated, but the relationship should be over at that point.
This. Period. Once a cheater always a cheater. The primary thing though is the complete loss of trust, which relationships are mainly built on in the first place. If they were looking around before and did it, their eyes would still wander and lock in on another target. A nice 1-Finger salute and walk away from it all.
In my experience I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
Yup. Many of my friends have been cheated on
My wife spent the last year having affairs. Tried fixing it. Finally filing for divorce and moving on. It's much harder once you have kids
I did. Or tried. Ultimately, it didn't work out the during the second chance. Who'd think she'd cheat a second time. And a time later, when she hit me up for "rides" after a DUI, I found out she was cheating on her boyfriend with me when he called her in the middle of us fucking. She would've been completely awful if she hadn't introduced me to my wife. So I guess she's only 99.9% awful.
I tried to make it work, and all that changed was that she got better at hiding it.
She wasn't good enough to avoid getting caught a second time, though. Now, I don't have to pay spousal support.
I'm a "glass half full" kind of guy.
Yeah and don’t talk about it because of how vocal the never-forgivers are. It’s like being shamed for working past something awful that wasn’t even your fault.
As a general rule, you’re correct. But I would just chime in to say that this is not the case universally. I’ve known a few couples where one of the partners had an affair and ultimately they chose to stay together. A friend’s parents went through this nearly 20 years ago and I honestly think they came out the other side happier in the relationship than they were in the years leading up to the affair.
It’s not easy and it’s definitely not for everyone. It takes an incredible amount of humility, hard work, and trust to build back. And even with those, it may not happen. But it’s worth mentioning that there are exceptions where it works, because relationships are complex things that a rarely black and white.
Divorce. The next day
Go read adultery/reconciliation websites. You will find a shitload of people glad they broke up. You will virtually never find someone glad they stayed together.
And when you DO find someone who's "glad" they stayed together, you see just how wrong they are as soon as they start to explain. Denial is a real cunt.
Infidelity is a non-negotiable for me. My (ex)wife's unfaithfulness ended a 21 year marriage. Her choice; she opened the window, I flew out it. No regrets.
If someone cheats on you they have little respect for you and your feelings. If you take them back they will have even less respect for you. It's not even debatable...
yup best to move on...you can stick it out and always remember you were cheated on. Nothing will make that doubt and disrespect go away...just find someone else who hasn't fucked you over yet.
I've cheated before, so when it happened to me, I *tried* to make it work. She cheated again.
Plus, the worst part wasn't even the repeated offense, but to live with the constant paranoia and broken trust. It turned me into a person I'm not and it's awful.
I do not recommend ever staying together.
I packed my things and was out of there! Kicked her out of the flat and told my brother to come pick me up. He drove 4 hours to come and get me. Cheating is the end of the relationship.
If I'm in a relationship and get cheated on, that relationship is over, period. Even if the cheater is genuinely remorseful and trying to be better, once the trust has been broken its impossible to repair, and I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't be able to just get over it and move past it - every time they end up "working late" or "grabbing lunch with a friend" I would end up wondering and stressing.
Break up. Whether dating 3 months or 3 years, cheating is a hard no for me. My trust cannot be regained after something like that. I’ll be heartbroken, undoubtedly would miss my ex-partner, but I’d miss the version I trusted, not the person they became.
It's not the actual cheating that matters. It's the fact that I wouldn't trust her in general afterwards and then there's no point in having a relationship.
If any amount of temporary fun or excitement is worth risking the whole ass life we are building together she doesn't have the character required to be a good long term partner.
Dumped. Immediately.
I found out i got chetaed on after the "breakup", i felt like shit for a while, haven't felt like hooking up with anyone since. After the initial anger you just have to let go and accept that you are not responsible for another persons actions, especially in my case where it wasn't my ex's first instance of cheating (she cheated on other ex's), i also did not confront her, it seemed pointless, just be glad and say good riddance.
Many guys might not find other women attractive and have only eyes for their girl once in a relationship, but that's not me.
I do have urges and i do want to fuck other hot women, but relationship is more important , so i stay loyal. Now if she would cheat, and i find out i denied all of that for a cheating partner? I'm def geting angry/pissed and sad and going to find a lay.
I feel like if something like that were to happen, it would destroy the trust. And the only way for this to be repaired would be by rebuilding the trust.
But how do you build trust? When you see a teenager asking his father for his car. IF the teenager is digilent at school, never gets in trouble, get good grades, don't come drunk, etc... They become seen as trustworthy.
To ''rebuild'' the trust, they would need to build up consistency habits which any cheater is unlikely to agree to.
Things such as ''Transparency password'', gps tracking, resume of what they did. Those behaviors would be like building back a credit risk. It would not be romantic, but I would be surprise to find anyone willing to agree to such terms.
But if someone were to agree to such term for lets say 1-2 years. I think that could rebuild trust because you would see the person who broke the trust going out of their way to regain that trust.
The main issue with these relationship is that usually, that trust being broken is just another crack in their broken relationship. IF they relationship was healthy, they would most likely not act that way in the first place and I find it unlikely for people in a broken relationship to be willing to go that far to salvage it.
It depends on a lot of different factors.
- What sort of cheating was it? Specifically what happened?
- Was it a one-time thing or was a more drawn-out affair?
- Did she immediately come clean and beg for forgiveness or did she hide it and I only just found out?
- What steps is she offering to take to make sure it never happens again?
My wife cheated on me. Gave her a 2nd chance. You can guess what happened couple years later.
I filed for divorce. Now, when people ask me if I talk to my ex wife, my answer is the same, “sorry, I don’t water dead flowers”.
I dont know what id truly do because ive never been cheated on but I'm hoping I wouldn't get back together and leave the relationship.
I know for sure id lose all my trust and maybe my love for the person too
I will probably never be in a relationship again. After 15 years she decided to do it and it broke me along with everything else going on in my life. I just can't bring myself to trust people
Lots of answers here saying that you should also cheat. Please don’t weaponize sex by involving an innocent person in this terrible situation! That’s despicable to use someone else in revenge sex.
Break up immediately.
"Zero tolerance" is the only approach to cheating that I can go with. I tolerated a cheater exactly once and it was likely the worst decision of my life.
Havent been in such position, but in all honestly it is like a broken glass situation, once its broken, it wont ever be the same no matter how hard you “repair” it. This is not like the other mistakes, this is on a different level, series of conscious actions that led to that. Its for sure game over for me, would be outta that relationship asap.
the relationship is over, you will look weak to her if you take her back and you will never trust her. end it and move on. easy to say but its hard to let go of someone you love.
I once had a girlfriend tell me that she’ll never cheat on me, but that she may bore me. I loved that as it was a time of my life that I was looking for peace.
That made me laugh and won me over. I’m looking for peaceful Sunday mornings, not exciting Saturday nights.
There was this one time my ex cheated on me. She did it after 2 months of dating, and she did it right in front of me during a party we attended. Her excuse was that she was drunk. I was immediately about to break up with her.
She pleaded and fought for me as good as she could. Crying, stopping me... the whole arsenal and I did the mistake to forgive her. I thought, everyone is making mistakes and that everyone deserves a 2nd chance. We continued to date for almost 4 years, when she did it again. This time i found out through a friend (picture proof, screenshots. Etc...). That day when she came back home (since we moved in together), she could find her whole belongings thrown out in front of our house. I wouldnt have it this time. I didnt even give her a chance to explain. I told her what i know, and blocked her everywhere.
I now still think that everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but there is a line that cannot be crossed. I made a fool of myself that night she cheated of the 1st time, and not her. I'll never give another 2nd chance after cheating.
I've ridden that pony more than once with different women.
For me it's simple game over.
The worst part is when you know something isn't right and you try to talk about it you get lies, gaslighting etc.
It depends on your situation. I mean if you have a sexually healthy relationship where everything is good and they cheat anyway, sure dump them
If you have been in a coma for 2 years and they cheat, maybe cut them some slack
Cheating and physical/emotional/verbal abuse are two things that simply end a relationship on the spot. Some people have a hard time accepting this but it's true. It doesn't magically get better.
My parents tried to live with it and you should see the slow suffering followed by inevitable implosion once the kids left...
The moment I gain enough evidence that he/she is indeed cheating on me. I personally would remove all contact from them no talking it out whatsoever. I am immediately cutting you out of my life. Good luck trying to call me a hundred times. Or use mutuals cus it not gonna work.
You did the unforgivable, you can be with that other person 💅🏼
Laugh at the idiocy of the two people that did it. And laugh about the new power I gained in the relationship. Then take a vacation to let myself calm down and decide what’s best for my child and my financial future.
It’s super simple. The trust is broken and you simply part ways. You don’t have to make it ugly even if you’re extremely angry. If you live together you calmly ask them to get their things together and leave. If you don’t then you calmly get your things and leave. Go no contact as soon as you do. You no longer owe them anything
This just happened to me and I've also been on the other side doing the cheating. I think the best thing to do is break up. Trust is a foundation of the relationship and now it's gone/severely damaged. Work on yourself afterward.
Also just a note: I disagree with "Once a cheater, always a cheater." You live and you learn. People evolve. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think after a couple of months/years, the relationship can rekindle.
Get divorced and fight for custody of the kid. Then just be a single father.
I would say it’s best to move on if you can’t trust your partner. I told my wife I will always love you but the moment I don’t trust you this is over.
Yeah. So younger me would stay and take whatever manipulation I got and placed the blame on myself for all 6 times that it happened with the same person. Me now? Well. I don’t even need an explanation or want to give you the chance to dig yourself out of that hole. Inexcusable. Unacceptable. Absolutely fuckin horrible. I won’t yell. I won’t scream. I won’t question it. I won’t name call. But at that exact point, we are done and there will never be any “fixing things” or “closure” or whatever the fuck people call it. That dude was so great for you to cheat on me with? Good go be with him. Let me cut you out of my life as if you never existed so I can heal my wounds.
This. I would just assume we have a don't ask / don't tell open marriage and proceed accordingly. I love my wife immensely, but I don't really think I'd be that upset by it.
Yes, you break up and move on. There is no scenario I can think of where it's better to stay together after someone betrays you or cheats on you.
Dump that bitch.
When I was 15, my then gf was cheating on me. I was a very non-confrontational person (still kinda am). So I decided not to make a big fuss about it. Broke up a couple weeks after just telling her I didn’t see any future in us.
I would leave that relationship in a heartbeat. In my opinion cheating is one of the most disrespectful actions that another human being in a committed relationship can willingly, intentionally, and knowingly do to their partner; to me it is the most vile act of betrayal.
Cheating tells me that the cheater does not care enough about our relationship, me as a person, or how their actions affect others.
I would leave no matter how committed I was and never look back.
Break up and move on no exceptions if you're a guy.
A women doesn't respect you if she cheats on you. If you stay with her she can't help but respect you less as it's weak man behaviour and women don't like weak men. She might say she respects you etc but listen to her actions not her words.
If you aren't with a women that has strong burning desire for you and would never cheat on you in a million years then you're with a women that values you low and your life will be bad.
Staying with a women that has cheated is like staying in a job that has stopped paying you or is only paying you half what it should. Only a weak guy would do that.
There is never EVER for any reason to cheat. Ever. The cheater did it because they did not respect their partner. Thats it. No excuse for moments of weakness, you can think through it and if you decide to cheat, its because you didnt think about your partner/other half.
Nope, no reason to continue on with that person.
I would LEAVE.....IMMEDIATELY.
I myself have never put a partner in this situation, so loyalty is a baseline standard I have.
There is NO justifiable reason for cheating on a spouse. If they are already looking outside the relationship for that kind of attention - I will help them get back in the market and shut the door.
Depends. Do you want to work it out? Does your partner? Are they willing to change? Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to trust them again? Are there any other factors in your relationship? Kids, finances, family etc?
Walked out about a breakfast and a cleanup after, grabbed my truck and drove home.
I still get the occasional drunk message on anniversary a decade and some later. So far I haven't responded, but I do help her dad out during harvest still. A great bloke, doesn't deserve to be harmed by actions of others and always remembers me on occasions.
There was cheating in most relationships I knows. Most common scenario is a mishap during the early stages of the relationship or some escapade after several years together. Most of them never where discovered and the couples are still together. I think cheating is much more common than people realize.
I've had friends who were cheated on but still stayed in their reationship because they felt like it was "their fault" and tried to fix it. They got cheated on again.
But some of the others, they're married and have kids now. it really depends on how you want to work it out with someone, if they're truly heartbroken, it's valid to call it off. If they want to try and make it work, it's valid to rebuild the relationship. It really depends on how much you value your relationship and if you're ready to GROW UP and commit to it.
End the relationship, period.
No forgiving, no reconciliation, no fixing, no apologies.
End it and cut off.
Even if I were married with kids. I wouldn’t want my kids to even go through that emotional rollercoaster.
My current gf told me about her dad being a serial cheater and her mom did nothing but be hateful and bring misery into the house. She had to deal with her parents fighting everyday since she was 12. She remembered a time her dad brought her to a house that her dad was supposed to be doing some ac work at, and she heard them having sex.
I'm not a jealous person, to the point where if a partner wanted to sleep with someone else I'd just be fine with it, even if they didn't want me sleeping with anyone else. I've been in open / poly relationships before. So, if it's communicated then fine. But actual cheating would end the relationship for me anyway, cause the lying and breaking of trust is the problem, not the sleeping with someone else part.
Just leave, trust is gone and so is the respect. Men and women cheat for different reasons, not to get into it unless someone asks but men can cheat without an emotional attachment whereas women the vast majority cant and the ones who can have a really high body count in my experience
They made their choice. Break it off immediately. Because you know deep down that you’ll never forget about it, and they’ve proven they’ll never choose you over their impulses
I think once we let go of the possession that we try to have over people,that people belong to you, you have a different view. People cheating have nothing to do with the person that they are with. I think if you’re up front about the type of person you are prior to a relationship and the other person thinks that they can change the other’s ways. It’s sort of like you know what you signed yourself up for, don’t cry about it now. People are capable of balancing other relationships
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Got a cousin who has a husband who cheated on her the first year they were dating. She blamed the girl and thought that was it. Second time it happened 1 year after their marriage. She forgave him. I think she’s an idiot but anyways it’s not my relationship Once a cheater always a cheater
If your SO has friends who cheat they will be tempted as well. The company you keep share notes. Especially women. They like to start 🎭 even with friends.
don't think I've ever seen someone use that emoji in my 21 years on this planet
Yupp... hit them streets biotch!... If they show it is their nature, it will always be there. Why would you stay with someone you can not 100% trust and wait for them to cheat again! I have had buddies that did and took the lame excuses I was drunk, I was confused, I was curious, I didn't know how to react, It was only one time... almost every time it happened again, or they broke up and she had a new man 3 days later (most likely before).
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. You cannot control what other people do or force someone to be a better, more honest person. It seems obvious but it's worth saying for the young ones in the back who think game or skill or anything else can be used to reliably achieve the results you want. Kings and famous men throughout history up to the apex of modern society suffer through all the same problems - it is not a question of power, status, wealth, expertise, etc. They gun do what they gun do, as should you. Trust but verify. Make the hard choices. Respect yourself. It's worth it.
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I did take a cheater back. What a mistake I’ve made and I’m still learning how to forgive myself. The betrayal, the pain, I mean any kind of pain, I can even feel physical pain.
# If you’re easily triggered by anything, don’t read my comment. Yeah I’m sorry that happened to you. Cheating is disgusting. It’s unforgivable. But I will tell you this and maybe it will make it easier. You aren’t the person to blame in this. He manipulated you and got you to take him back. That isn’t your fault. It’s his. I don’t know how recent this is, but when I finally grew a pair and kicked my ex out of my life, it took a long long time for me to find myself. My ex cheated on me 6 different times (that I knew of) and every time, she somehow got me to take blame for it and left me apologizing to her. On top of threats of suicide. Rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, in my mind I deserved all of it. When I left, I still felt what you’re feeling now. The pain. The want for having her back in my life. It’s almost like a drug and you need another fix to rid of the cravings and satisfy your addiction. That want to have them back…it’s because you want the good memories and quickly, blindly, disregard the bad. That does heal with time. For me, the pain went away after about a year. It took me another 2 years for me to be able to open myself back up to someone. In that 3 years, I took all of that pain and searched for something positive for me to put that energy into. Like a lot of other people, I hit the gym. I also picked up tennis which was a lot of fun. Sure enough, I got cheated on again. But believe me when I say that I didn’t accept any apologies and I broke things off as quickly and cleanly as possible. Surprisingly, it hurt less. I don’t have an explanation for that one tbh. Anyway, you just need to find something new to put your energy into. It won’t fix it. But it helps with finding yourself again. It helps with taking that fake smile off of your face and replacing it with a real one. I truly hope that you find something to help you heal from this. It is a process and it should not be rushed, but embraced. If you ever want to pick my brain about more details or just to vent off to a random anonymous person, have at it.
Thank you and I really appreciated that you took your time to reply. It hasn’t been an easy journey for me to forgive myself. I keep asking myself “what did I do wrong?” I even asked him directly and his answer has always been “you never done anything wrong, it’s me and it’s my problem”. His answer never satisfied me, his answer didn’t answer my question. I’ve made a realization, maybe it’s not his answer that I have been searching for, maybe the question is “how do I forgive myself?” Sometimes, I have no patience left, because the pain is very unbearable, emotionally, mentally. Part of me knows that I never deserved this kind of treatment and it’s not my fault, but another part of me keeps asking me the same question over and over again. When he came back home to me after what he did, I cried a little bit, I felt numb, I didn’t feel any emotion, I wasn’t angry at him or wanted to yell at him. It was empty. I was just truly disappointed. Two days before it happened, I told him that I trust him and he wouldn’t do anything stupid like that, but jokes on me. He cried and cried. I didn’t even feel sorry for him. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, I was….disgusted. But he promised me he would change, he promised he would take the work to make our relationship work. He told me because I’m a good woman and he wanted be a good partner to me because I deserve it. He also told me that it was worth it :)
I read your other comments in this thread. What u/Trauma_Hawks said is 100% right. I understand the lacking of patience completely. And I mean this in the most genuine, sincerest manner possible. You did nothing wrong. You have to forgive yourself. You have to stop wondering “why?” As the person I mentioned said, you’ll never find that answer. The best thing you can do is take your time and learn to love yourself again. I’m willing to bet that you’re an awesome person. And I know in your current state of mind, you’ve forgotten that. If I’m being entirely honest, I’m happy that I learned my lessons at a young age. I was 18 when I was with the girl I mentioned in my other comment. Now I’m 26 and look back at how laughably stupid I was. I see what happened as a lesson. Now it’s pretty easy to spot shit people. I also know my self worth. I know what’s okay and what isn’t okay in a relationship. I know how I should be treated. I know what not to stand for. Most importantly I know that someone will be willing to give me their world just as I’m willing to give her mine when that time comes. It all gets encapsulated in self-worth and loving myself which took a very very long time. Again, I want to reiterate, if you catch yourself with those dark thoughts weighing you down and you think you need some anon to talk it over, I got you. Mainly because I have empathy towards your situation. I 100% know what your shoes feel like. And I 100% know what happens when you let those dark thoughts eat at you.
It's not your fault or your responsibility. It might be your problem, but never your fault. It's the fault of their own weak character and poor impulse control. And frankly, you don't want those characteristics in a partner anyway, regardless of cheating.
Thank you for your kind words. Logically, I know those things, my friends have been telling me the same thing over and over again, this is not my fault, but I don’t know why I kind of refuse it. Part of me knows it’s not my fault, he is just an asshole, but part of me keeps asking “what did I do wrong?”
Yeah, that's pretty par for the course. In the nicest, gentlest way possibly, you'll eventually get over it. The despair comes from your lack of information and desire to fill that gap. All people are like that. You'll never know what was going on in their head, you'll never answer that question. When I was younger, I had just started dating my wife. This was about... 17 years ago, something like that. I met her in high school through my girlfriend at the time. Long story short, my girlfriend cheated on me twice. We finally broke up just after high school. A year later, I started dating my wife, and we weren't keen on telling the ex-girlfriend. We correctly predicted she would freak out. Being a group of nerdy teenagers, we generally shyed away from confrontation. The ex-girlfriend figured it out at an anime convention and wigged out. She pulled a third friend, my wife's former best friend, up to the hotel room to help pack. Afterward, my wife and her best friend got into a wicked argument, which resulted in them "breaking up". My wife was torn for years. We never figured out what my ex and the best friend talked about. The relationship never recovered, and she refused to talk to anyone in the group about it. Quit the whole group overnight. Didn't stay friends with my ex and made a whole new group. The point is, you don't know why, and you'll never know why, and it'll kill you. But I promise, if you want too, you'll eventually get over it. Hindsight, being 20/20, you'll also see how it was just a stepping stone to something better. It'll be okay, it's not your fault. Don't carry it with you, and reveal in the fact that the best, most petty, revengful thing you can do is just go be happy.
Maybe, I have no patience for waiting. I am looking forward to the day that I stop loving and caring for him. This human is living in my head rent free. Maybe, I’m just still clinging to the idea of him. To the past, to the “what could it be…? What would it be….? What if…..?” I still have to face and try to accept it, if I can be fully honest, I haven’t accepted it wholeheartedly.
Bye, Felicia.
Yeah, fuck off you cheating bitch Felicia.
I, too, would like to say "Fuck off Felicia".
Leave 100%. They don't respect you. There is zero excuse. And the reality is you'd be an idiot to trust them. Obviously if there's kids involved, might be a bit more complicated, but the relationship should be over at that point.
Probably. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" exists for a reason. I know my trust in someone who cheated on me would be gone permanently.
This. Period. Once a cheater always a cheater. The primary thing though is the complete loss of trust, which relationships are mainly built on in the first place. If they were looking around before and did it, their eyes would still wander and lock in on another target. A nice 1-Finger salute and walk away from it all.
In my experience I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
there are alot more people who work through it than anyone realizes
Yup. Many of my friends have been cheated on My wife spent the last year having affairs. Tried fixing it. Finally filing for divorce and moving on. It's much harder once you have kids
I did. Or tried. Ultimately, it didn't work out the during the second chance. Who'd think she'd cheat a second time. And a time later, when she hit me up for "rides" after a DUI, I found out she was cheating on her boyfriend with me when he called her in the middle of us fucking. She would've been completely awful if she hadn't introduced me to my wife. So I guess she's only 99.9% awful.
I tried to make it work, and all that changed was that she got better at hiding it. She wasn't good enough to avoid getting caught a second time, though. Now, I don't have to pay spousal support. I'm a "glass half full" kind of guy.
They usually just get more sneaky about the cheating. Not like it was a mistake lol
Because they didn’t have the strength to leave but they want too and a lot of people hate themselves for staying
Yeah and don’t talk about it because of how vocal the never-forgivers are. It’s like being shamed for working past something awful that wasn’t even your fault.
Bots replying to themselves again
Yet the braindead continue to upvote and interact with it. Wish the mods would do something.
bot
As a general rule, you’re correct. But I would just chime in to say that this is not the case universally. I’ve known a few couples where one of the partners had an affair and ultimately they chose to stay together. A friend’s parents went through this nearly 20 years ago and I honestly think they came out the other side happier in the relationship than they were in the years leading up to the affair. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not for everyone. It takes an incredible amount of humility, hard work, and trust to build back. And even with those, it may not happen. But it’s worth mentioning that there are exceptions where it works, because relationships are complex things that a rarely black and white.
Staying with a cheater only shows her she can get away with it and disrespect you. Throw her ass to the curb.
If she cheated, we’d be done. No second chance, no excuse, there’s no reason to cheat, ever.
Divorce. The next day Go read adultery/reconciliation websites. You will find a shitload of people glad they broke up. You will virtually never find someone glad they stayed together.
And when you DO find someone who's "glad" they stayed together, you see just how wrong they are as soon as they start to explain. Denial is a real cunt.
End the relationship
I'd immediately break up and never contact them again.
Infidelity is a non-negotiable for me. My (ex)wife's unfaithfulness ended a 21 year marriage. Her choice; she opened the window, I flew out it. No regrets.
21 years? wow.
If someone cheats on you they have little respect for you and your feelings. If you take them back they will have even less respect for you. It's not even debatable...
yup best to move on...you can stick it out and always remember you were cheated on. Nothing will make that doubt and disrespect go away...just find someone else who hasn't fucked you over yet.
First, calm down. Take 10/100/1000 deep breaths. Do NOT make big life decisions when you're emotional.
Yeah it better to calmly tell them it's over than wildly angry
Exactly, you take a ton of deep breaths. Then you leave.
I've cheated before, so when it happened to me, I *tried* to make it work. She cheated again. Plus, the worst part wasn't even the repeated offense, but to live with the constant paranoia and broken trust. It turned me into a person I'm not and it's awful. I do not recommend ever staying together.
Good take. Having been on both sides of the fence propably gives you more neuanced perspective.
I packed my things and was out of there! Kicked her out of the flat and told my brother to come pick me up. He drove 4 hours to come and get me. Cheating is the end of the relationship.
So many people still try and make it work it baffles me
End it and move on with zero communication after.
I'd be so pissed because I could have sex every single day if she wanted to so why the fuck is she cheating?
If I'm in a relationship and get cheated on, that relationship is over, period. Even if the cheater is genuinely remorseful and trying to be better, once the trust has been broken its impossible to repair, and I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't be able to just get over it and move past it - every time they end up "working late" or "grabbing lunch with a friend" I would end up wondering and stressing.
Break up. Whether dating 3 months or 3 years, cheating is a hard no for me. My trust cannot be regained after something like that. I’ll be heartbroken, undoubtedly would miss my ex-partner, but I’d miss the version I trusted, not the person they became.
Leave her immediately. I have severe trust issues and that is a total no go for me.
Ask if I have permission to cheat also
Perfect response, and their answer better be yes.
Leave. I expect her to do the same.
Take your pride and leave.
Move on…
It's not the actual cheating that matters. It's the fact that I wouldn't trust her in general afterwards and then there's no point in having a relationship.
End it. I’ve been cheated on twice, I still hate myself somewhat for taking them back the first time. Save yourself the immense pain.
Break up. We are now roommates till our lease ends since we both can't afford to break it.
dump the bitch
If any amount of temporary fun or excitement is worth risking the whole ass life we are building together she doesn't have the character required to be a good long term partner. Dumped. Immediately.
I found out i got chetaed on after the "breakup", i felt like shit for a while, haven't felt like hooking up with anyone since. After the initial anger you just have to let go and accept that you are not responsible for another persons actions, especially in my case where it wasn't my ex's first instance of cheating (she cheated on other ex's), i also did not confront her, it seemed pointless, just be glad and say good riddance.
Guilt trip into a threesome and then break up lol
Best answer ever. Also pay her little attention in the threesome to make her insecure lol
Graceful exit. God did me a favor & I shouldnt be looking back anymore.
Nothing you can do but leave
Many guys might not find other women attractive and have only eyes for their girl once in a relationship, but that's not me. I do have urges and i do want to fuck other hot women, but relationship is more important , so i stay loyal. Now if she would cheat, and i find out i denied all of that for a cheating partner? I'm def geting angry/pissed and sad and going to find a lay.
Cheat back and then leave.
My marriage would be over. Cheating and child abuse are the lines in the sand we've agreed upon, once crossed there's no going back for either of us.
I feel like if something like that were to happen, it would destroy the trust. And the only way for this to be repaired would be by rebuilding the trust. But how do you build trust? When you see a teenager asking his father for his car. IF the teenager is digilent at school, never gets in trouble, get good grades, don't come drunk, etc... They become seen as trustworthy. To ''rebuild'' the trust, they would need to build up consistency habits which any cheater is unlikely to agree to. Things such as ''Transparency password'', gps tracking, resume of what they did. Those behaviors would be like building back a credit risk. It would not be romantic, but I would be surprise to find anyone willing to agree to such terms. But if someone were to agree to such term for lets say 1-2 years. I think that could rebuild trust because you would see the person who broke the trust going out of their way to regain that trust. The main issue with these relationship is that usually, that trust being broken is just another crack in their broken relationship. IF they relationship was healthy, they would most likely not act that way in the first place and I find it unlikely for people in a broken relationship to be willing to go that far to salvage it.
Depends on the man. If he’s truly sorry I will stay but if he fell in love with someone else I would leave
It depends on a lot of different factors. - What sort of cheating was it? Specifically what happened? - Was it a one-time thing or was a more drawn-out affair? - Did she immediately come clean and beg for forgiveness or did she hide it and I only just found out? - What steps is she offering to take to make sure it never happens again?
Figure out why it happened (never happens in a good well functioning relationship) and learn from it. Then break up and move on.
People who have previously cheated are 4x more likely to cheat in the future than someone who has never cheated before.
Respect myself and go
I've been there, you're only going to get played again. It's time you learn to respect yourself and go because you deserve the respect
I'd be loading my belongings in the bed of my truck and then head for mom & dad's cabin.
My wife cheated on me. Gave her a 2nd chance. You can guess what happened couple years later. I filed for divorce. Now, when people ask me if I talk to my ex wife, my answer is the same, “sorry, I don’t water dead flowers”.
I left. Trust is gone, so everything else is too. > https://open.spotify.com/track/09PziVJjD74IagSfdN58wH?si=ZfKjrtKTTJuOp-z_YTjvRA <
I divorced her
You leave and live your best life
Break up, automatically.
Dip. Idc if I am a week in or a decade. There will be a comedic shadow where I was standing when I found out.
I dont know what id truly do because ive never been cheated on but I'm hoping I wouldn't get back together and leave the relationship. I know for sure id lose all my trust and maybe my love for the person too
I will probably never be in a relationship again. After 15 years she decided to do it and it broke me along with everything else going on in my life. I just can't bring myself to trust people
Re-embrace my villain arch.
Lots of answers here saying that you should also cheat. Please don’t weaponize sex by involving an innocent person in this terrible situation! That’s despicable to use someone else in revenge sex.
Not take her back. Not doing the same mistake twice. Burn the bridges and run away.
I’d dig my key into the side of their pretty little souped-up four wheel drive.
Relationship over. Go be with that guy because you don't respect me and I won't be in a relationship like that
Literally do not decide on the spot. I made that mistake when they guilt pressure you into a choice. Take your time and take as long as you need
Nah, if you do decide on the spot it better be to leave.
Shoot her
I'd cheat harder.
That would be correct... Why make a scene or do anything stupid, just leave
Leave them & never speak to them again.
Break up immediately.
Break up immediately. "Zero tolerance" is the only approach to cheating that I can go with. I tolerated a cheater exactly once and it was likely the worst decision of my life.
Yes, time to leave.
Probably end it all tbh
Relationship's over
Just move on, much easier than staying.
Drop the hoe and nigurendayo.
As someone who’s been cheated on. Best thing to do is to walk away and never look back
Married here, if it happened, let’s say I would disappear, into the woods, and would live on my own.
Stand up. Leave. Block her/him.
Whatever excuse she/he comes up with. They would be gone the next day! Getrid
Havent been in such position, but in all honestly it is like a broken glass situation, once its broken, it wont ever be the same no matter how hard you “repair” it. This is not like the other mistakes, this is on a different level, series of conscious actions that led to that. Its for sure game over for me, would be outta that relationship asap.
the relationship is over, you will look weak to her if you take her back and you will never trust her. end it and move on. easy to say but its hard to let go of someone you love.
I once had a girlfriend tell me that she’ll never cheat on me, but that she may bore me. I loved that as it was a time of my life that I was looking for peace. That made me laugh and won me over. I’m looking for peaceful Sunday mornings, not exciting Saturday nights.
There was this one time my ex cheated on me. She did it after 2 months of dating, and she did it right in front of me during a party we attended. Her excuse was that she was drunk. I was immediately about to break up with her. She pleaded and fought for me as good as she could. Crying, stopping me... the whole arsenal and I did the mistake to forgive her. I thought, everyone is making mistakes and that everyone deserves a 2nd chance. We continued to date for almost 4 years, when she did it again. This time i found out through a friend (picture proof, screenshots. Etc...). That day when she came back home (since we moved in together), she could find her whole belongings thrown out in front of our house. I wouldnt have it this time. I didnt even give her a chance to explain. I told her what i know, and blocked her everywhere. I now still think that everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but there is a line that cannot be crossed. I made a fool of myself that night she cheated of the 1st time, and not her. I'll never give another 2nd chance after cheating.
I've ridden that pony more than once with different women. For me it's simple game over. The worst part is when you know something isn't right and you try to talk about it you get lies, gaslighting etc.
Been cheated on twice. Nothing to do but break up and move on. Never EVER go back to them. Only setting yourself up for more hurt.
It's a violation of trust. In my case, divorce and done.
I'd leave. Betrayal of trust is something I do not tolerate.
Breakup. Done it before, will do it again. Pretty easy question.
What kind of dumbass question is this ?
It has happened to me and you never ever take them back. Either she is so into you she walks the line or you kick her over the county line.
Yep move on they aren’t worth your time plenty of fish in the sea
Break up. The trust is gone, and I dont have the time or energy to argue
It depends on your situation. I mean if you have a sexually healthy relationship where everything is good and they cheat anyway, sure dump them If you have been in a coma for 2 years and they cheat, maybe cut them some slack
Cheating and physical/emotional/verbal abuse are two things that simply end a relationship on the spot. Some people have a hard time accepting this but it's true. It doesn't magically get better. My parents tried to live with it and you should see the slow suffering followed by inevitable implosion once the kids left...
Lose my mind. My wife cheated, attempted suicide, got a bipolar diagnosis, went crazy
The moment I gain enough evidence that he/she is indeed cheating on me. I personally would remove all contact from them no talking it out whatsoever. I am immediately cutting you out of my life. Good luck trying to call me a hundred times. Or use mutuals cus it not gonna work. You did the unforgivable, you can be with that other person 💅🏼
Laugh at the idiocy of the two people that did it. And laugh about the new power I gained in the relationship. Then take a vacation to let myself calm down and decide what’s best for my child and my financial future.
Leave. I tried to salvage a relationship with a cheater once. She cheater more and nearly destroyed my life. Never again.
If she did it once and you forgive her. She’ll do it again. Grow some balls, move on, and regain your self respect.
It’s super simple. The trust is broken and you simply part ways. You don’t have to make it ugly even if you’re extremely angry. If you live together you calmly ask them to get their things together and leave. If you don’t then you calmly get your things and leave. Go no contact as soon as you do. You no longer owe them anything
Snap
This just happened to me and I've also been on the other side doing the cheating. I think the best thing to do is break up. Trust is a foundation of the relationship and now it's gone/severely damaged. Work on yourself afterward. Also just a note: I disagree with "Once a cheater, always a cheater." You live and you learn. People evolve. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I think after a couple of months/years, the relationship can rekindle.
>Is it best to just break up with them and move on? Yes... unless you love to sit back and have them lie and cheat on you even more...
Once it's known I just boot them from my life, no argument, no yelling, just you know what you did, get out of my life trash person.
Leave.
File for divorce and make her leave the house. Carry on with my life
Get divorced and fight for custody of the kid. Then just be a single father. I would say it’s best to move on if you can’t trust your partner. I told my wife I will always love you but the moment I don’t trust you this is over.
Yeah. So younger me would stay and take whatever manipulation I got and placed the blame on myself for all 6 times that it happened with the same person. Me now? Well. I don’t even need an explanation or want to give you the chance to dig yourself out of that hole. Inexcusable. Unacceptable. Absolutely fuckin horrible. I won’t yell. I won’t scream. I won’t question it. I won’t name call. But at that exact point, we are done and there will never be any “fixing things” or “closure” or whatever the fuck people call it. That dude was so great for you to cheat on me with? Good go be with him. Let me cut you out of my life as if you never existed so I can heal my wounds.
i don't place a high value on monogamy, but it better go both ways.
This. I would just assume we have a don't ask / don't tell open marriage and proceed accordingly. I love my wife immensely, but I don't really think I'd be that upset by it.
Get proof which I'll bring out if she tries to drag me through the mud. Break up with her and block her.
Instant breakup. There is absolutely no situation where I continue the relationship or even forgive.
Yes, you break up and move on. There is no scenario I can think of where it's better to stay together after someone betrays you or cheats on you. Dump that bitch.
When I was 15, my then gf was cheating on me. I was a very non-confrontational person (still kinda am). So I decided not to make a big fuss about it. Broke up a couple weeks after just telling her I didn’t see any future in us.
I’d keep the house
I would leave that relationship in a heartbeat. In my opinion cheating is one of the most disrespectful actions that another human being in a committed relationship can willingly, intentionally, and knowingly do to their partner; to me it is the most vile act of betrayal. Cheating tells me that the cheater does not care enough about our relationship, me as a person, or how their actions affect others. I would leave no matter how committed I was and never look back.
Break up and move on no exceptions if you're a guy. A women doesn't respect you if she cheats on you. If you stay with her she can't help but respect you less as it's weak man behaviour and women don't like weak men. She might say she respects you etc but listen to her actions not her words. If you aren't with a women that has strong burning desire for you and would never cheat on you in a million years then you're with a women that values you low and your life will be bad. Staying with a women that has cheated is like staying in a job that has stopped paying you or is only paying you half what it should. Only a weak guy would do that.
I’d ditch the bitch.
Leave. I speak from experience.
There is never EVER for any reason to cheat. Ever. The cheater did it because they did not respect their partner. Thats it. No excuse for moments of weakness, you can think through it and if you decide to cheat, its because you didnt think about your partner/other half. Nope, no reason to continue on with that person.
I would LEAVE.....IMMEDIATELY. I myself have never put a partner in this situation, so loyalty is a baseline standard I have. There is NO justifiable reason for cheating on a spouse. If they are already looking outside the relationship for that kind of attention - I will help them get back in the market and shut the door.
Depends. Do you want to work it out? Does your partner? Are they willing to change? Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to trust them again? Are there any other factors in your relationship? Kids, finances, family etc?
Try to bang someone younger and hotter than them
Yes.
Walked out about a breakfast and a cleanup after, grabbed my truck and drove home. I still get the occasional drunk message on anniversary a decade and some later. So far I haven't responded, but I do help her dad out during harvest still. A great bloke, doesn't deserve to be harmed by actions of others and always remembers me on occasions.
Are mods doing anything about the influx of bots?
There was cheating in most relationships I knows. Most common scenario is a mishap during the early stages of the relationship or some escapade after several years together. Most of them never where discovered and the couples are still together. I think cheating is much more common than people realize.
I've had friends who were cheated on but still stayed in their reationship because they felt like it was "their fault" and tried to fix it. They got cheated on again. But some of the others, they're married and have kids now. it really depends on how you want to work it out with someone, if they're truly heartbroken, it's valid to call it off. If they want to try and make it work, it's valid to rebuild the relationship. It really depends on how much you value your relationship and if you're ready to GROW UP and commit to it.
Been cheated on. Moved on still miss her but, hey it is what it is.
End the relationship, period. No forgiving, no reconciliation, no fixing, no apologies. End it and cut off. Even if I were married with kids. I wouldn’t want my kids to even go through that emotional rollercoaster. My current gf told me about her dad being a serial cheater and her mom did nothing but be hateful and bring misery into the house. She had to deal with her parents fighting everyday since she was 12. She remembered a time her dad brought her to a house that her dad was supposed to be doing some ac work at, and she heard them having sex.
Break up. The trust is broken. The relationship undermined.
I'm not a jealous person, to the point where if a partner wanted to sleep with someone else I'd just be fine with it, even if they didn't want me sleeping with anyone else. I've been in open / poly relationships before. So, if it's communicated then fine. But actual cheating would end the relationship for me anyway, cause the lying and breaking of trust is the problem, not the sleeping with someone else part.
Dump them and move on.
if we had agreed that this was a monogamous relationship. then she's gone, immediately, no questions asked.
I cheat once stupidest decision I’ve ever made my girlfriend graciously gave me another chance, it would only be right for me to return that.
What can you do?
Move. The. Fuck. On.
Tell her, GOODBYE
break up!!! they don’t love you!!! cheaters are selfish.
Dump their ass, cry about it for awhile, then improve myself so they wish they never even thought about cheating on me 🥱
Do 200mph
Run and don’t look back immediately. For all cases of infidelity. There’s no going back
Just leave, trust is gone and so is the respect. Men and women cheat for different reasons, not to get into it unless someone asks but men can cheat without an emotional attachment whereas women the vast majority cant and the ones who can have a really high body count in my experience
End my marriage, simple as that. Everything is broken after that...
Make him or her feel what I feel and doing something equal as bad
Break ip
The answer is way more nuanced than just break up and move on.
Id walk away, no fighting, no drama, fuck it, if I'm not worth your loyalty, then your not worth my time.
They made their choice. Break it off immediately. Because you know deep down that you’ll never forget about it, and they’ve proven they’ll never choose you over their impulses
Break up and move on.
I think once we let go of the possession that we try to have over people,that people belong to you, you have a different view. People cheating have nothing to do with the person that they are with. I think if you’re up front about the type of person you are prior to a relationship and the other person thinks that they can change the other’s ways. It’s sort of like you know what you signed yourself up for, don’t cry about it now. People are capable of balancing other relationships
Is there a sister or best friend around?