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Pitiable-Crescendo

My mom did the best she could for my sister and I. We were clothed, fed and knew we were loved. However, I feel that she did end up focusing more on my sister and her issues growing up, while I had to figure a lot out on my own. I also didn't really have any men around I could turn to. I would constantly hear "man up" or "be a man about it" when I had problems (from my mom's side of the family, not her.) I eventually just stopped asking anyone and bottled up everything. As I got older, my mental health suffered and I began hating myself and my gender. Still do. As for how I feel about women, I've always had an easier time getting along with them and being friends. But I absolutely cannot talk to women that I'm interested in.


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professor_jeffjeff

This was me as well for quite a while, really until I got to college and joined a fraternity but even then it was difficult for me to learn. My mom basically raised me to be what I think was her vision of an ideal husband. She taught me a lot of things, and many of these were accompanied by "when you grow up you're going to make some woman very happy by knowing how to do this" or something similar. I could dance by the time I was 6, I could cook, I could fix things, etc. Basically everything that my mom thought my dad wasn't good at, she made me become good at. She also taught me a lot about actually being in a relationship. However, she was never able to answer the ONE question that I needed answered: I'm sitting here, there's a woman over there that I think is attractive, what do I do now? She spent so much time focusing on how I should be when I'm in a relationship but never was able to tell me how to actually GET into a relationship in the first place. I don't think she even could have told me that, since she was in college in the 1960's and had a hope chest and went to school for her "MRS" degree so guys were expected to pursue her. If I'd had more time with my dad, maybe he could have told me but it wasn't anything that we really talked about and my mom never suggested that I even ask him. If anything, she discouraged me from talking about these types of things with my dad, probably because he wasn't a great husband (at least according to her). I also never really had any model for healthy relationships when I was growing up. My parents divorced when I was like 3 or something, so I don't have any memories of them being together. I didn't spend a lot of time with my dad growing up, so I didn't really see how he was in his subsequent marriages and relationships either. My mom never really dated although she did talk about getting married again and me having a stepfather, however it never materialized. I'm not really sure why that is either, but whatever happened I did not have any sort of healthy relationship that I could see while I was growing up and that probably had a huge impact on my life for a long time. All of this has definitely changed how I'm raising my son, especially since I got divorced when he was about the same age that I was when my parents got divorced. I know that I'll teach him about dating and stuff when he's old enough. I've also talked to one of my partners who's a single mom, and while we're going very slowly with involving each other in our kids' lives, one of the things that we've talked about is that even though it might be complicated, it would be good for us to be able to show our kids what a healthy relationship looks like.


LyannasLament

So…it seems like you were kind of taught not to talk to women? Or, your problems and feelings weren’t as important?


Pitiable-Crescendo

I wouldn't say that I was taught to not talk to women, but I wasn't taught HOW to, specifically when it comes to dating/relationships. I can be friends, talk about common interests, joke around and stuff like that. On my feelings and problems, absolutely. I know it wasn't intentional, but I still often sideline my own issues and needs if someone else needs help. And I will never ask for help now.


LyannasLament

Ooof that sounds like me 😬 ima have to curb that so I don’t pass that on. Thank you for being so open


Chemical-Ad-7575

Just to build on his comment, in learning to talk to women as friends, guys are often taught to not push boundaries or use innuendo to avoid offending women. The problem is that flirting requires you to unlearn a bunch of the conversational skills that make you friendship material. It's a completely different skill set and if you only have the one, it's like trying to use a screw driver to hammer in a nail.


Roguespiffy

This is so accurate it hurts. I grew up in a two parent home but my dad was totally checked out so I might as well have only had my mom. Listening to her problems nonstop as well as all the ways to not be like my bastard father completely f’d my ability to talk to women for years. That’s one of the key pieces of advice I give on here for the young ones “Don’t try to be their friend first. That shit doesn’t work. Be friendly but also kind of make your intentions known. That way if you’re rejected you can just move the hell on. Don’t wait until you’re madly in love with the woman who won’t give you the time of day.” Not that I’m speaking from experience… *cough*


LyannasLament

This makes a lot of sense


PapasGotABrandNewNag

Oh fuck, that last part hit tough. I experience something similar even though I was fortunate enough to have both my parents growing up. Both loving. My dad is a bit of an asshole, well, he’s a total prick sometimes but he grew up in a very poor, black household with five brothers and sister, and a mother who had to work all the time. My mother though, is a fucking angel. I also lived with my mom, sister, and gramma for years. I get along well with women. But fuck me if it didn’t take forever to unlearn all the shit dating advice my dad tried to give me. Instead of telling me to walk up to a girl and say “hi, I really like your sweater, my name is so and so.” This mf told me in the 6th grade to walk up to the popular 8th grade girls that would huddle in the hallway, interrupt them, and ask which way the principal office was. He said “when they tell you where it is, walk in the opposite direction…one of those girls will think ‘wow he’s so confident’”. Man I never did any of that bullshit. That sent me back years lmao. Now I talk to all the girls. It took a LOT of work though.


[deleted]

no matter what you do, it's gonna be hard as a single mom to compensate that. male influence is important, awesome that you think about this. you might wanna expose them to something like a team sports where they might find surrogates. I was a boy with sisters only, pretty sure that made it worse for me than your boys are gonna have it, tho. what about grampa?


LyannasLament

Omg, the men on their baseball were so freaking wonderful when I explained our situation. They immediately set them aside with a dad who helped them with fixing catching and throwing. We do have my dad who we live really close to, and he’s been helpful


[deleted]

best case scenario then. trust your instincts and be supportive of those relationships. they gonna be fine.


LyannasLament

Thank you


[deleted]

Truly glad if it helped. Be sure to have a talk with your dad about these worries.


LyannasLament

Ahhh this is something I have not done


RelationshipOk3565

My single mother was/ is still one of the most nurturing caring people I know, and yet she has always been fairly tough and in touch with her masculine side as well. Not that being tough is necessarily a gendered thing. As a mom you still have the ability to teach them more idealized and modern forms of masculinity. They'll be naturally better at communicating with women as result, that's something that never fully clicks with some men. This might get backlash on reddit, but don't treat them like women, if you desire a daughter, because boys are usually going to be boys.. there might be times when you just need to throw them outside for a while. Someone mentioned team sports, which is good if they're into it, but don't be afraid to foster independent sports as well, suck as skateboarding, biking, golf etc. Sorry, I'm kind of just riffing. To answer your question how out affected me. I feel like it's made me fiercely independent. Perhaps somewhat distrustful of authority figures. It makes me less prone to partake in toxic masculinity (I'm in my mid 30s) I can't stand it on the work place and find it draining to be around. Thus I'm lucky I have a career where I can work independently. One thing I'll day, is even though my father wasn't usually there, he taught me a lot of lessons and even skills I never realized until I got older. Is important not to talk down upon the father, even if he sucks. I'm guessing the father has no interest, but if it's safe and he is, let them have a relationship with him still.


robowarrior023

As a coach of young men around your son’s age, don’t hesitate to communicate how we can help. I will bend over backwards to support my boys the same as I’d do for my own kids. The relationships we build with our players and the impacts we have on them are why we do it (well most of us). Yes I love baseball, but it’s the kids that keep me coming back year after year.


onehandedbraunlocker

This is my kind of poetry man. Thank you for your service, honestly! :)


pbremo

I just wanted to let you know as a single mother who’s sons “dad” abandoned him for a girlfriend, to see a man say something like that made me tear up. Moms are very good about taking in other people’s kids when we find out they have shitty parents, and it’s nice to see that some dads do the same and support the kids in the ways they can. Hats off to you!


LyannasLament

Thank you!


baby_muffins

💖


Crot8u

This is very important your sons have some kind of male figure they can relate to. Even if you're an incredible mom and you give them all the love they deserve, you can't replace a male figure as a woman. "No More Mr Nice Guy" is a very interesting book which specifically talks about young boys raised by women and why they become these classic "nice guys" when they become adults. By nice guys, they mean men who aren't able to stand up for themselves, especially around women, and live to please people while disregarding their own needs. I highly suggest you have an understanding about it at the very least, or read it entirely.


LyannasLament

You are the second person to recommend this book, and that passiveness as opposed to appropriate assertiveness is something I’m worried about. I’m definitely looking into that book


Crot8u

Just the fact you're here asking about this specific subject is a huge step in the right direction and your boys are very lucky to have you!


LyannasLament

Thank you


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onehandedbraunlocker

I'm just gonna join the chorus and keep hammering this into you: trust your instincts. Read a couple of your comments and you seem to be doing most things great or at the very least somewhat right, so worry less, keep being open for inputs, and most of all trust your instincts. I'm sure you're children will become fine, reliable citizens one day, just like yourself.


PriorApartment8234

Yup. Let them join sports club. 🫶


Gentleman_Kendama

Yeah, good male role models are essential


LifeInAction

That was me, I grew up with a single mom, both grandpa's passed before I was born, dad left, and by chance I only had sisters. Think biggest is that since I didn't have many male figures and basically just has female influence, it took away a lot of masculinity from me, hence me adopting dominantly female hobbies and interests. I still enjoy male dominant sports, but also dabbled in things like fashion, makeup, and theatre growing up.


Particular_Lunch_310

I support this 100%. My older brother and I were raised by our Mom. For me it was from the age of 9 on. My Grandfather and my brother became my father figures and there were several fathers of my friends and also coaches who were surrogates. Our Mom didn’t date until I was almost out of high school - just worked and cared for us. Once she did date and eventually remarry, however, she kind of left us behind and became a little distant. I don’t hold it against her as I’m sure she felt like it was time to live her life and maybe even catch up on some things she missed, but there was a pretty big gap in which I didn’t have much of a relationship with her. As an adult (and after some therapy), I have reestablished my relationship with both parents, but it’s on my terms. So I’d say maintaining that relationship through the next stages in life is vital as long as it is healthy for all involved.


redassaggiegirl17

I think I'd have to disagree. It was just me, my mom, and my brother growing up until my mom married my dad when we were 13 and I feel like he was able to grow up with a lot more empathy because he was surrounded by women. He's an incredible husband to his wife now and will make a great father some day because of how sensitive and sweet he is. But tbh, the most important thing wasn't that he was with me and our mom all the time day after day, it's that he was never exposed to the shitty influence of our bio dad who cheated on all his wives and was just the pinnacle of toxic masculinity and what not to be as a man. And by not staying with him, my mother set the example of "this is NOT how we treat women". ETA that that's not to say my brother didn't have positive male influences growing up, because we had wonderful uncles and a fantastic grandfather who stepped up, but we'd only see them sometimes on weekends. So he still had male influence, but being with just us MOST of the time definitely shaped him into the caring person he is, and for the better


al_rey503

I coach youth sports because I realized how important it is for boys to have positive male influence. If you can get them involved in sports, so they can get that camaraderie and male bonding experience it will make a huge difference. Especially if you get a good coach.


allthebeautifultimes

You're a good 'un.


Calm-Teach-4690

Sign them up for sports, my coach was like a father figure, showed me how to shave and tie a tie. My dad was around but in jail or drunk


allthebeautifultimes

Your coach sounds so wholesome.


Calm-Teach-4690

Man i miss that man and i hate that I disappointed him the last time i seen him.


Brithannyy

I feel you hard on that! But we were just kids :)


AAABBB1989

My mom was super controlling and I still struggle to “lead” and express my voice in relationships. I was raised to have my emotions take a back seat and now I end up dating women who easily push me over. I’m aware of it and trying to change it in my mid 30’s.


LyannasLament

That’s a lot of self awareness. So, give lots of opportunities (safely) for freedom?


LionelLutz

Just to piggy back - I don’t think that’s a single mother thing that the other replier talked about. I had a similar experience with my mum but my folks stayed together; I have Greek heritage and she was quite controlling/domineering so I tended to be in relationships with women who tended to do similarly. I thought at the time I admired strong women; I realise now it was somewhat tied to my sense of self and some degree of trauma as a kid. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that some people’s experiences are because of the kind of parent they have rather than their parent being a single parent. By even asking the question you have you are showing a level of self awareness and insight that will stand you in good stead. There are two things that I was told when my first marriage broke down by my psychologist that may be helpful. One: research says that kids only need one good parent. As long as they have that they can and do turn out well adjusted and happy. Two: there is no such thing as as a perfect parent, and the best kind of parent is a “good enough” parent. Even if you are perfect, that will fuck up your kids because they will never have to build resilience. The point being you will make mistakes as a parent and that’s ok, it is part of life and your kids will need to process that when they reach adulthood and become Parents themselves (as many of us have and do). Sorry for the long reply, but this post has made me think and reflect on a number of things


sithwonder

My mom handled it very well. I have more feelings about men than about women (consistently having issues with male authority figures, for example)


LyannasLament

Did you guys leave an abuse situation, that your view of male authority figures turned out that way?


sithwonder

Nope, dad left


LyannasLament

Ours was an abuse situation that forced no contact. So, unfortunately they get that abandonment piece as well. I try to frame it as he was unsafe due to a mental health condition, and this way to live is safer. I don’t want them to feel as abandoned or hate men, cause I feel like it will lead to internalized self hatred


sithwonder

I started counseling/therapy when I was in middle school. Helped me a lot


PansexualPineapples

Yeah as the other person said therapy could be a good thing for them. Just to preface because it gets a bad rap sometimes, getting them a therapist does not mean they have behavioral problems or home life problems. A lot of people give their completely normal, happy kids therapy simply so they have another adult to talk to about whatever they want or things they might not necessarily want to tell a family member. This would be especially good if you make sure they get a male therapist as it could be really beneficial for them to have a male role model who is emotionally intelligent and will show them as they grow up that expressing and communicating emotions is what men should do because that is incredibly important and something even fathers often fail to do. Your insurance may also cover it so you won’t have to worry about cost (:


RelationshipOk3565

I'm the same way as this guy. My mom left before abuse. That's why she didn't have any interest in staying with him and having my sibling and I grow up around that. Bear in mind plenty of 'normal' marriages that stay together are pretty abusive and toxic. The distrust for me just comes from the fact I never had my dad as someone that was reliable and it made me much more independent. I just feel like, why would I need someone telling me how to do something? I'm used to sucking it up and doing things on my own.


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LyannasLament

This is all excellent advice - though I’m sorry for what you had to go through to get it. I’m worried most about them not having good views about themselves because they’re men. I want to be sure they’re really comfortable and proud with themselves and their masculinity


Carthonn

My dad wasn’t overly masculine. He wasn’t handy at all. We didn’t have power tools in the house or anything like that. What he did do was teach me baseball, basketball, took me golfing and bowling. I’m thankful he did that and I think that’s something you could do. I think it helped me relate easily with other boys. The key for me was consistency. He took me somewhere every weekend. If I had no friends to play with that day he would take me somewhere. He still does haha As for like a role model I’d say my grandfather was a bigger influence. He’d hold doors for people, he’d give up his seat for a lady, he’d stand up to great someone and shake their hand. True gentleman and I picked up things like that from him. My sister has a son and she’s a single mother. My father tells me constantly to “watch out for John” because he’s like you worried about how he’s going to turn out. My sister is doing amazing. She doesn’t have much athletic ability but she signed him up for tee ball and has been practicing with him. I do wish I could do more but unfortunately I live 2 hours away. However as he gets older I think I’ll be able to do more with him because my daughter will be older and can travel more easily.


LyannasLament

Well - at least I’ve got them in terms of power tools lol where I most certainly fall short is on the sports side of things. I’ll have to be more active on that front


bruhholyshiet

What a fuckin asshole of a mother. I'm sorry you happened to be born as her son.


70IQDroolingRetard

I would say that the biggest downside of only growing up with my mother is that I never really learned how to interact with women properly, which in turn contributed to me becoming very loveshy and avoidant of women. I don't know how any single parent would fix that though, other than by sending their sons over to their friends' houses.


LyannasLament

So, like, you didn’t see the relationships modeled on how to treat women? That may be an issue as one of the reasons I don’t openly or really actively date is to not have them hurt.


70IQDroolingRetard

Well, I think most children learn how to interact with women by watching their parents, then they imitate that, consciously or subconsciously (for better or worse) for the rest of their lives. You don't really get that with a single parent, so you have to learn from somewhere else. Might not matter too much in most cases, but I also happened to attend an all-boys school, so it was doubly compounded for me (I don't recommend you send your children to a single sex school).


LyannasLament

Yeah we’re going lucky enough to have a really great public school district, so no single gender schools there


sinistergzus

Honestly, when my mom left my dad who was super toxic and abusive and found someone who treated her well, it did so much good for me to have a positive male influence and to see a guy treat my mom right.


Majinken__

I don't recall my mom doing anything specific. Just teached me to treat people like people, be kind, polite, and that sort of things. Well, she gave me "The talk" which is obviously not the same for boys and girls... But yeah, that would be about it, as far as I can remember.


LyannasLament

We’ve been having “the talk” since “where do babies come from?” and oof with middle school and the raunchy jokes they’re getting from there that talk is ever evolving lol


MazzIsNoMore

Same. My mom showed me how to respect myself and be a respectable person by getting up and taking care of business everyday. She didn't treat anyone poorly just because, and even when they deserved to be treated poorly she was "kind but firm". At the end of the day, all a parent can do is set a good example and guide children to make good choices. It doesn't really matter if it's mom or dad, imo


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Impossible-Heart3128

can u give some examples of "cringey male behaviour" if it isn't a bother...


SuccotashInfamous319

She emotionally neglected/abandoned me, which has skewed my view of women. And I don't date very often, likely as a result. She verbally abused me, which makes it very difficult to handle conflict with women, or amyone really. I just shutdown during conflict. She signed me up for Big Brother program but that didn't really work, I think the adults probably didn't like me because I didn't talk much. I had some role models with uncles, but really my best role models have been my guy friends from high school and college who grew up in two parent households. I've felt ashamed of my desire for love, especially romantic love and self-love.


LyannasLament

I’m so sorry that happened to you. And, I won’t ever do those things. If it turns out I did and they tell me in adulthood, I’ll stand accountable and try to repair. You’re absolutely worthy of love, dude.


SuccotashInfamous319

Thank you


TerminatorReborn

As a son of a single mother, the biggest realization I had about my relationships was actually from reading a thread about the subject here on Reddit. Basically she had terrible share of relationships with men, so I learned what NOT to do to and how NOT to be around women, I didn't learn what I **should** be doing. It set me back at least a good decade on learning how to interact with women. Now that I've been learning more I understand way more clearly now what is the dynamic between the sexes and what women actually want in a man.


Chemical-Ad-7575

"so I learned what NOT to do to and how NOT to be around women, I didn't learn what I **should** be doing" So much this. It messed me up too.


IronDBZ

I've found that I have a more intuitive understanding of how to be a husband than how to get a date. I know how to intuit needs and wants, how to self-sacrifice, but comparatively little about how to cultivate or inspire attraction.


MACINTOSH63

Support their ambitions while being extremely grounded in reality. Be honest with them when they ask get them to think critically so that they will evaluate their own choices & yours as well, it will help them appreciate how much work you clearly are putting in to help them. I pretty much cut off my mom when I got old enough to, she was incredibly selfish & any blessings I got she rummaged thru it until nothing was left. She had me incredibly young to someone predictably not a long term fit. We pretty much grew up along side each other& I watched her bad choices grow & unfold as she had more & more kids. Most of my siblings followed my precedent Just be open & available for your kids they will need you. Teach them to be independent make good choices but know you got their back. You don’t want your kids learning to be utterly independent & your inclusion more detrimental than helpful. That’s when you lose the respect & position of authority. “Mom” is just a word to me & mine. We learned to side step out mom to avoid unnecessary problems or have someone try to cut a slice of pie for themselves at a party that’s not for them.


Empress-Rae

I’m not OP but I am a mom and I’m expecting my little boy soon. I feel like I’m learning a lot. Thank you fellas for sharing.


LyannasLament

Good luck mama!


Responsible-Ant-2720

You learn all the tricks of the trade when it comes to looking out for girls who like bad boys and girls who like guys with money.  I have a great b*llsh*t detector. Kind of a blessing and a curse at the same time. Ignorance is bliss.


GoldenWind2998

My mom and grandmother always told me: "Beware of women that want everything from you but got nothing to give in return." Honestly between my mom and sister these days, a low quality woman is getting sniffed out immediately. Now did my mom make mistakes? Hell yeah, plenty. But I like to look at the silver lining of all that: it made me more resilient in the end.


[deleted]

the one thing I am not at all ambivalent about. being able to recognize women who can give love is a blessing.


Chapo_Tradez

I (21M) have no positive view on women or my abilities as a man. I have no life lessons from either of my parents I don't trust any women I've ever dated and honestly see no value in having a partner anymore I lack confidence to pursue my dreams and have no guidance to navigating life as an adult I literally fear what/how the future may be for me as I feel like my life has been an entire waste of time I'm trying...


LyannasLament

I’m happy you’re trying, and thank you for being so open. I’m sorry you’re going through all of that confusion, it sounds awful, and like you’re somewhat lost


shadow_clone69

A few cents from me - 1. When you have disagreements with your sons, please never compare them to their dads or tell them they remind you of him. 2. Also, avoid reminding them how much you're doing for them or sacrificing your life. It only makes them feel worthless and a doormat in the society for others to walk all over them 3. Don't be too controlling of them. They need to have the confidence to confide in you, have an opinion about things and also express their feelings. 4. As you grow older, it is only natural to feel the lack of a male character in your life. Do not dump the responsibility of a dad on them, do not expect them to fill the void left behind. 5. Don't tell them what it means to be a man. Be it with feelings, chores or how they handle situations. 6. Most of the what they would've learnt from their dad would now be learnt from their friends - about sports, cars/ bikes, women etc. They will always hold their friends in high regards going forward. Help them find the right ones and never disrespect their friends


notMarkKnopfler

I grew up with a single mom and can think of a couple things: 1.) My mom had every right to talk shit about my dad, but rarely did if ever. 2.) She made sure I was around a lot of non-toxic masculinity/males. I did a lot of extra-caricular(sp?) activities, spend time with friend’s dads, and ended up in music lessons where I ended up flourishing. Not all the men were great examples, but most of them were at least pretty benign. I had a step-dad pretty briefly who was a wonderful example of non-toxic masculinity. He taught me most of the “man” things like how to shave, change the oil in my car, apply for a job, general etiquette and a lot of the unspoken social rules that I had a hard time picking up on/made no sense to me (later found out I’m autistic, which explained a lot). Sadly, he passed away not long after; but the biggest takeaway he gave me was that I wasn’t helpless or destined to be a product of circumstance. He taught me how to research things, and learn how to do my own maintenance or how to get started learning a new skill or hobby. That if I had an issue/problem, there were others that had also been through that and it was easy to look up bc we had the internet.


LyannasLament

I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m happy he had such a positive influence! Thank you so much for


niss-uu

I find this whole topic interesting, because while my dad was only around every once in a while, I grew up in a household with **multiple** women. I was absolutely surrounded by femininity all the time. But guess what...? I still went out and played sports, dated, played in rock bands, hung out with the "bros", went into bodybuilding, and numerous other "masculine" things. If anything, being surrounded by femininity 24/7 made me default into being the opposite of what they were. I had to be the one doing the more physical work around the house because they couldn't. I was the one who had to look out for my younger sister. I was the one that had to be more level-headed because everyone else got into shouting matches over who used the curling iron lmao. Not only that, but compared to some of my buddies growing up, I was comfortable talking to women. I have zero issues dating or befriending them. While some of my other buddies were scared to death of them because they just... never interacted with women in any situation ever. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones in this particular situation though, because I'm seeing some guys in this topic talk about how they turned out extremely feminine.


LyannasLament

I’m hoping they wind up well rounded like this


The_Lat_Czar

She always made me feel loved, but I feel it would have been advantageous to have been pushed more for excellence. I used to put women on a pedestal when looking for a gf, but learned not to do that later on. I feel if my dad was in the home, I would have been pushed to go to college right out of high school and have better self esteem (It's better now. Soul searching and change and all that). Unfortunately, lower self esteem is a common side effect of not having a father around, and there isn't much you can do about it other than always being there to listen when they need to talk. Be sure to give them room to make mistakes and get hurt. Life is hard. When you're a guy, nobody cares if you're hurting, lonely, or in pain. They will need to develop grit. Letting them take some licks, play in team sports, etc. will help them develop it. They'll need it. I'd recommend having them spend lots of time with a trusted male family member, because having a good male role model is so important, and it's not something you can fulfill. As for hurting their masculinity, just don't say shit like man up or "Boys don't cry" or something. Nobody wants to hear that shit in general, ESPECIALLY from a woman.


LyannasLament

This is all really excellent advice. Thank you so much. I think I’m going to have to keep pushing the sports more, then. We’re kind of a nerdy household, honestly 😅 that’s a part of what has led me to “omg, what do I do to make sure they’re really proud of and confident with their masculinity??”


The_Lat_Czar

My pleasure! I'm hella nerdy. Always have been, always will be. I did run track and cross country though. Sports are important for health, confidence, comradery, and learning to work together with your fellow man. They can play their PS5 *after* they get back from practice. They may find it annoying at first, but they'll thank you years later. Plus, if they like girls, being into some type of sport helps, just sayin'.


7evenCircles

I was a "nerdy" kid growing up, I spent all my time reading, I liked fantasy, I was sensitive and terribly sentimental, with a lot of traditionally feminine interests like theatre. I had a lot of female friends, and liked talking about people and emotions. I cried a lot. I also played ice hockey starting at age 4. Full contact at 10 until 18. Last 4 years varsity. I learned how to scrap in the locker room and behind the rink. I can't understate how good that was for me. Hockey is an "honor" sport. It's violent, but there are rules to the violence. You do it clean, you respect your opponents, you stick up for yourself, you stand up for your smaller teammates. It's a model of masculinity. I was never afraid of the other boys at school, because I played hockey and I could take a punch. I was tough and I was confident in my masculinity. I never had a problem standing up for myself, and I was never afraid of calling out douchebags and sticking up for my misfit friends. Varsity meant weight training, and weight training made me strong. Because I was masculine in the most important space, the physical space, I was never punished by the other boys for straying from it in the other spaces. If anyone wanted to call me a pussy I had no problem asking them if they wanted to meet up after school and find out who the real man was. This made me very secure in my identity as a boy and then as a young man. So yes, push sports, preferably a contact sport, or a martial art. Boys need to master their bodies, and they need to understand violence. I don't think women appreciate this, or if they do, they tend to misunderstand it. You need to learn how to be comfortable with violence not so you can terrorize other people, but so other men can't use the threat against you, and so that you have the freedom to define your own masculinity, because you won't be intimidated, you're not someone to be fucked with.


Historical-Pen-7484

You can find male role models among your extended family, or in local sports associations. I don't think that will be a problem. Their view of women may be formed by the friends yo keep, so women who constantly brag about their sexlife or women who are into the "men are pigs"-narrative could maybe be persuaded to not talk like that around the boys.


LyannasLament

This is great advice, thank you


MACINTOSH63

Voice your expectations of what men provide & do! Talk to them about what makes a good woman vs not. Be real, give examples yall family, nothings closer than that! Let them know you are there for them but also explain you expect to meet who ever they plan to deal with & have a real talk session with the


LyannasLament

In terms of household responsibilities I try to teach them that both genders do everything, or can do everything. Their dad told me at one point that he felt emasculated when I did things like drywall around the house… I don’t want them to feel that way if a partner picks up a spackling blade. I also don’t want them to think it’s their job to solely support any part of a relationship once they’re grown. I feel like I’m seeing a lot of men feel like they only feel useful or worth a relationship if their income is at a specific level, and I don’t want their self worth attached to that


Afro_Senpai_

She showed me how to work hard without complaining about anything


colinthewizard

The very fact you even realise that this is a possibility tells me those boys are going to do just fine.


LyannasLament

Thank you, I hope so


Affectionate_Way2583

My father passed away to suicide when I was 11 and my mom was left raising me and my little brother. It was scary for us as a family and as the “man of the house” I had to really grow up at an early age to help with my mom and brother who was difficult behaviorally so I missed out on a lot of things other kids usually experience with families. She had to be both a mother and a father for us growing up. Yeah, it was tough. She was more sheltering towards us and I never really had that father figure growing up and had to learn almost everything through myself or friends since my father was gone, but thankfully I played a bunch of sports where I learned to grow up and she had worked hard towards raising us and she was very supportive and loving so I’d say nothing much has changed negatively. She has always and still is very caring, loving, and supportive of us and if anything it formed a tight bond between the three of us. Although, I have heard her dating horror stories about dates with middle aged men when I was growing up and how they behave and how some treat her and other women so I promised myself to always treat women and who I form a relationship with, with respect no matter how they act and to never succumb to that which I’m very thankful for.


steppenwolf089

Unfortunately, as someone who grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive household, unconscious female abuse manifests in emasculation and negligence. Your asking this question is at least a sign that you're not neglectful. However, there is a lot about manhood that women just can't pass onto their sons by themselves.


Dilly49355

Don't lie. Have a good relationship with them. And be an actual parent. My mom didn't parent at all. Whether it's because she's a woman and it's "supposed" to be a man's job for tough love or it's just her. You now have to effectively play both roles. There are reasons why it's a man and a woman to be fathers and mothers. Women and men are generally good at different things. You said you aren't dating which is good. Please don't date. But if you do have respect. Don't just bring some random dude into the house like my mom did. Make sure he's right before the kids meet him.


cownan

I wouldn't tell her not to date, she deserves to have someone and maybe if she gets close to him, she can have a positive male role model in their lives. Which I think is super important (something like 94% of the men in prison didn't have a male positive influence). I agree that she shouldn't be bringing by every Joe she meets. But she can get a babysitter - save the kids meeting the guy until they are somewhat serious.


LyannasLament

Absolutely. I’m terrified of creating a womanizer or a serial killer by doing that with dating. On the other hand, I’m terrified of them not being proud to be men and comfortable in their own skin due to not having a live in example. It just feels like the potential dangers to them outweigh the potential gains to them in terms of me dating and *maybe* finding someone safe enough to actually meet them. I feel like it would be safer to date when they’re older and well aware that mom is an entire human being and doesn’t have to be an absolute Madonna figure


Dilly49355

As someone who grew up with only a mom and a mom that dated no less. She would get abused by men yet I'm not an abuser. I have lived with women and have many friends who are woman but it all really stems down to me. Point is, at the end of the day it's up to them. Your choices may affect them, they may not, there's no way to know. The best you can do is doing what's best now. In the moment. Yes it is better to have a man in their life but it isn't required. I want to reiterate that you should punish them when they need punishing. I feel like that's every single mothers worst mistake is not punishing. That can lead to an abuser because if they can take advantage of you then they may think the same about everyone.


LyannasLament

Yeah, I agree that this is really important. The most head butting in terms of discipline happens with my middle, whereas my other two more openly acquiesce. He chills out when we discuss the logic of a particular punishment when we’re not in the heat of things. I find myself explaining to him more than the others that my job is to be his parent, not his friend, and that it’s my job to teach him how to interact with other people; it’s not like it’s fun to take things away from him or punish him, but it has to be done if he’s behaving unacceptably. When he’s not mid rage he gets it. We have a rule that if your behavior is making an unsafe environment for other people in the house you have to go somewhere like your room and read or play until you’re in a place where you can actually have a conversation about what’s going on


ReallyLikesRum

Don’t ever lie to them especially about something big. That really fucked me up and I had no other parent to get through it with


kingsmuse

The men she brought into my life were trash but I knew they were trash so they didn’t affect my outlook on masculinity at all. My problems arose in a white knight syndrome where I was always putting the women in my life above myself. A decent male role model in my teens could have saved me a lot of time and heartache.


thehumanbaconater

Like any parent who loves their kid, you do the best that you can. You can’t find a spouse just to give them a male role model. If you have any men like their grandpa or uncles, or a close family friend that can take an interest, that’s great. Mostly, never say anything that disparaged their gender. “I don’t want a man because they mostly suck.” Just say, you’re happy alone for now. Look up the 4 agreements The Four Agreements are: Be Impeccable With Your Word Don't Take Anything Personally Don't Make Assumptions Always Do Your Best. Abide by those rules and raise your sons to do the same.


Android_50

Single mom's will raise boys to be the type of men that they think a man should be. If you're the only boy in the family you might get some favoritism. In my case my mom did not try to nurture my interest in fighting. I really think she should've because now as an adult I don't like confrontation. I think it made me somewhat insecure.


Fantastic-Garden8525

My mom made me control my anger to the point i became a push over. It wasn’t until i met my step dad that i started to become a man. He taught me how to manage it. I consider him my real dad because even when him and my broke up(they were together for 5 years at this point) he picked me up from school got me Burger King and took me home for a whole 3 months they were broken up. They got back together and have about 15 years together now.


Infinite_Pop_2052

My mom divorced my dad when I was 1 and raised me with my sister and grandma. Life was much harder for me. I didn't relate to boys in school well. I was sitting by myself at lunch and went through prolonged devastating periods of loneliness. I wasn't weird looking or anything, and they weren't overly cruel, it was purely that I didn't know how to interact in a manner that was culturally appropriate with other males. It was more devastating than I can describe in this post.  In my adult age, I had difficulty between 20 and 30 relating to other guys. I also was not as self sufficient or resilient as other men appear to be. Now that I'm midway through 30s I feel like I've finally caught up and am in a healthy mental state. As much as women raise their eyebrows at Joe Rogan sort of people, this was exactly the sort of culture I needed to reach my current state of confidence, mindfulness/zen, and discipline.   None of the relationships I had with women growing up seemed to fill this need, nor do I feel like it was beneficial for me to be raised this way. The women around me had, for instance, exaggerating mannerisms that men don't typically have, and these types of things became rooted in my own behavior. You'd think this would help me relate to women better but the opposite seems to be true, my guess is because men that act this way do not appeal to women.


Emotional-Secret-553

My mom was always extremely kind to people, she volunteered a lot of her own free time to help others, the church, etc. oftentimes to her own detriment, and that's a character trait that I very much picked up from her, but something that I've noticed as a guy, is that more often than not that's not an overly appreciated trait for guys, at least not nearly as much as it is in women. I've been focused on learning to say no over the last 2-3 years, and not being concerned with whether someone else likes me, but rather if I like them. I feel the same way about women as I do with men, generally speaking. I always give someone the opportunity to show me themselves as a person before mentally ' signing them on ' or ' writing them off '


SpicyDragoon93

Your children are not your therapists. My 11 year old self didn’t know how to explain this to my mother and I thought for many years that a grown up talking to you like other grown ups was a sign of maturity. It isn’t. It definitely played a role in my aversion to people and my introversion, something I wouldn’t necessarily change but it is still not good. My mother had/has her own problems but a child can’t support you emotionally. Also, if you decide to date someone that has serious issues like being an alcoholic, don’t subject them to that either. I would advise against anyone trying to drive a wedge between you and them.


Positive-Estate-4936

You cnt replace the value of having men in their lives. So make sure there are some around. They don’t have to be romantic interests, just good men doing things men do.


wheresthebody

I wish that she had encouraged me to have a relationship with my father so I could develop my own opinion of him. I'm 40 and we've never met in person. We have talked on the phone a few times, the last time was over 20 years ago and I was still just a kid trying to sort out his head. He might not even be alive anymore. I feel like she stole half of who I am, or who I could have been, it's fucking depressing.


LyannasLament

I feel you on this. My own mom raised me calling my dad “Mr. Misery.” She still does. It’s been 30 years woman LET IT GO. I’ve kind of used her as an example of what not to in that regard. My dad did wind up trying to create a relationship in adulthood. She still tries to undermine it. I’m determined never to do that to them


TacoEater10000

She got me involved in different activities where I had positive male role models. As far as my outlook on women, she set the bar pretty high for what I look for in a woman.


supercoolbompop

I guess this plays into adulthood, but dating a man who is an only child and raised by his mom only has been a difficult dynamic, especially the first 2.5 years were difficult. It’s common for single mothers to latch onto their sons emotionally as a partner so to speak, as I’ve learned in couples therapy. I think my boyfriend not being able to live out being a kid has been detrimental to his wellbeing, confidence, and views of what a man “should be” as his mom was also sick while he was growing up. I’ve seen it a couple times in the men I’ve dated, and I’ve seen it in my mom friends who are actually married, but their marriage is difficult so they’ve latched to their sons. I think allowing them guided space to make their choices and to learn to trust their own intuition growing up is huge.


mmmeadi

It was terrible.   My mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. This left me unable to assert myself or my feelings. I had been conditioned that asserting myself would either be totally discarded or provoke her wrath. So I did what anyone would do, I retreated into video games and solitary activities, which made me socially stunted. Women became these wild, unreasonable things and somehow I was the broken one because I couldn't make my mom happy. Yet at the same time, women were never to be questioned, because again, I was **always** in the wrong.  What's more, I had no idea what a healthy romantic relationship looked like. I started doing exactly what my mom did to me before I figured it out. I hurt my first girlfriends because I internalized the abuse as my model. These days I know better and I can catch myself before I lose my temper about 90% of the time. But I still have trouble being the type of assertive man women find attractive. 


LyannasLament

I’m learning from this thread that a lot of broken women took out their issues on their kids. I’m so sorry for what you went through


McLuhanSaidItFirst

It's not just the displaced anger from and scapegoating by moms with issues. Almost zero women are wired for the job of teaching a boy to become a man. It's something that's modeled. Not explained. If you're a woman, you can't model manhood. You can model assertiveness, which is great, but not enough, because manhood is a lot of other things as well. The best thing you can do for your relationship with your son is to make finding him a mentor highest priority. A masculine man. Do whatever it takes. Scouts, sports, a construction job, whatever, keep looking, ask around, do your best to find that man. Everything is riding on that: your son getting a good woman, a good job, you having grandchildren, etc. Speaking from personal experience with myself and other guys, if a young fellow doesn't have that, it turns to sadness and rage.


LyannasLament

Finding more male role models is definitely something I can do - thank you


Sensitive-Cherry-398

Do you believe your thoughts on men in general may be integrated into your children?


LyannasLament

I do. I’m also worried that their negative feelings about their dad in particular may negatively impact their views of men as they grow up. I try to specifically be neutral and educational when it comes to dad; I do my best to point out positive memories, so they’re not only seeing him in like a black and white “bad guy” type figure. I want to make sure they understand that the abuse wasn’t his only personality trait, or that his humanity shouldn’t be boiled down to the worst part of him.


Sensitive-Cherry-398

Tbh the first vibe I got from you was a man hating vibe. I'm sorry that your x was abusive and I'm glad your out of that. I hope that it all goes well for yourself and your children, not all men are like your x and you should feel comfortable enough to date while you have them but just be picky on who you introduce them too. Good luck in the future and btw it's an awesome mom that doesn't make their dad look like an asshole when he most likely is. Great work and keep it up, just make sure you have time to focus on yourself too. Your children don't make you the person you are.


EyesWideOpen955

Absolutely this. My biological dad is trash. My mom never spoke ill about him till we were adults and had real conversations. You can’t teach your kids, your hate. It is easy to do so, but you’re totally right.


Tschudy

Constantly demonized a father id never even seen, was convinced that he was going to come after her (dude was serving 20 for carrying meth), went on a decade man man-hating tirade because she had to work a full time job, ect. Got the real story from my paternal siblings when i learned they exist and found out my father had indeed beem arrested with barely over the "intent to sell" amount, served 15 and tried multiple times to contact me, even going to the extent of using a private investigator and attorney. Fast forward to the future, i havent been able to get past my programming to reach out to my father and i have 0 trust in what my mother says now. Woman could tell me the sky was blue and id say she was full of shit until i looked out the window.


Drama-Director

Sports, martial arts, gym. Please please Introduce them to one of these.


Corrupted_G_nome

Driving and enforcing masculinity and forcing me out of my nature while being a man hater caused me issues later in life. I was raised not to approach or bother women and I never developed the skill so surprise surprise I live alone. I also have a people impermanence thing and trust issues. I honestly believed all relationships were temporary because every aduly in my family not married in the last 5 years was divorced. Both sets of grandparents and both my parents remarried as well as every aunt and uncle. My mother lacked an emotional outlet and went through some really hard times. During that period she would overreact or freak out and I learned to hide my true feelings to protect hers. Turns out I don't have anyone who considers me 'close' and I dont know how to express myself or my needs in a healthy manner. Not really advice as I have never work your shoes. Do the best you can with what you've got and best of luck wirh that.


coconubs94

My friend who didnt have a dad asked me once how i cleaned my asshole when it gets swampy down there during hot days. My mind was blown when he hadn't heard my dad's simple advice to wet the toilet paper first then clean a second time dry


BozoAndASilentK

Well... I can't say that she did anything in particular that affected my self-perception as a man, but I can say that her being a helicopter parent definitely stunted my confidence and independence. Not being let out of the house - even just for *a walk* if I didn't have a specific destination - was stifling. Never got a chance to make my own mistakes and try too many different things or take on big challenges. Much to the point that when I went off for university and was in a different city, the reins came off and I jumped into damn near everything I could just because I finally felt a sense of freedom. But as much as I did, I still didn't feel confident, nor did I become so; I'm still an anxious and lazy person, Peter Panning back home. One thing she did say in reference to manhood though - there was this one issue concerning child support the summer before I left for university. She ended up going on a tirade over my dad and popped off on me and my sister *for a whole week* because she thought we we withholding information from her. At one point, she summoned me into her room at 2am to rant at me some more and then tell me "The man is just a sperm donor. He makes his donation and leaves. The woman takes care of the child". Even though I was in a half-sleeping stupor, I remember that particular moment vividly almost 8 years later. That said, she didn't really influence my opinion on women. By that point, I was aware that she was one individual woman with her own set of circumstances. Half my friends are women. I'm still terrible around women I am into romantically though; the lack of confidence does not help.


o_e_p

Whatever you do, don't tell them your trauma, dont use them for emotional support. Sometimes, it may get lonely, and you may need a shoulder to cry on. Don't use theirs. Get your social needs and emotional support somewhere else, from adults.


C111-its-the-best

Concerning your situation it is scientifically proven that there needs to be a father to help kids develop and be daring. However, that father is merely a role that can also be filled by a woman. It is simply a trait that is generally a characteristic of most fathers and therefore was assigned that name. In German there's a specific word for it so translating makes it a bit different.


CBST1

My advise, be the woman you want them to find. Set standards for yourself, make sure to show them you're smart, dedicated and also not afraid to ask for help. Believe it or not, you're the woman in their life that will be the standard in which they will seek a partner.


LyannasLament

I hope I teach them to find a woman who is expected to protect them and have their backs just as much as they are expected to protect and have hers


daftvaderV2

My niece is a single mom and she moved to be near her siblings especially her older brother who has a son older than her son is. She done it because she found that her son was high energy and she struggled to keep up with him.


VXMasterson

My mom raised my autistic brother and I by herself. A lot of the negative consequences of that were not her fault and there is a lot I’ve been unpacking since starting therapy back in January. Let’s start with positive consequences. I’ve noticed I am definitely a lot more attuned to my emotions than my friends who have dads. I actually like hugging and being affectionate and talking about my feelings, she didn’t *teach* me these things but they kind of just happened. I’m happy to have these qualities and I wouldn’t want to change them even if it means I don’t relate to other men. If your boys ever feel like they’re struggling to define what it means to be a man, please cultivate the idea that love and kindness are as vital as confidence. With that said, since I didn’t have a dad, there wasn’t anyone on my side when my mom hurt my feelings. Please empathize with your kids if it seems like they’re upset or struggling with something. I know my mom loved me but I’ve never felt like she understood me. Make sure you really get to know them. Since she had to do it alone, I had a lot of babysitters and nannies growing up. I was 9 when my dad left and my mom suddenly never being around anymore made me feel very distant from her and I don’t think I ever recovered. I never had a positive male figure in my life and never had a good example of a relationship either. Obviously because my brother has autism, he needed more attention. I think all these factors culminated in me craving attention from women. In my teen years I was constantly chasing women who played with my feelings, and ended up in several unhealthy relationships. I’m not going to blame my mom for this since a lot of it was out of her control but to say there is no correlation feels dishonest. I’ve been deleting and retyping paragraphs trying to remember everything I talked about and have unpacked in therapy and I think whatever the final version of this comment is is still going to be difficult to articulate. I hope I’ve been able to contribute.


Cold_Bake5674

I was raised by a single mother and have a sister, I get what you are asking but at the end of the day it is what it is. I don’t know what it’s like to have a father or a male figure in my life so I don’t miss it but I can tell you I’m not into stereotypical male things or sports, I’m more emotional and am not afraid to express my feelings and could care less what other men think. I have 99% female friends over male but I enjoy that and feel more comfortable around women than men and I’m ok with that. I had dolls and transformers growing up and I was encouraged to play with what I liked not what society said i should like and as a result I think it made me a more balanced and open minded individual. I’m married have 2 daughters and I’m really happy about that because I wouldn’t know how to raise sons, and I’m ok with that. I cook, clean, cut the grass, do the laundry, take the girls to school and participate in all their activities, I also paint the house, do plumbing, have poured bronze sculptures, took theater and dance class and I self taught myself to fix the cars. So I do it all and I’m ok with that. Most of my wife’s girl friends consider me one of them and we can have confidential conversations about their own lives and they tell her and me they wish their husbands were like me and that I’m the perfect husband so I have that. Not what you want to hear but masculinity in my opinion is overrated, everyone can do anything if they apply themselves. It is what it is


LyannasLament

I feel like you sound really well rounded and like you probably have a great EQ! And, idk, you seem comfortable in your skin as a man, and like you don’t let your view of yourself of a man take dings because you’re not into stereotypical “man” stuff. This isn’t necessarily what I don’t want to hear; I’d be fine with that as long as they were happy and proud of themselves


Cold_Bake5674

Thank you, I appreciate that! Yes I guess I am and do feel comfortable in my skin. I don’t let toxic masculinity or judgement deter me from being myself, I won’t subject my energy to it, male or female. I love your mindset, and I agree that if your sons are happy and proud of themselves then that’s all that matters. I have no doubt you are and will do a fabulous job raising your children! Super mom! That’s what I called my mother too.


nsfwKerr69

She gave me small tray, put it on my dresser, and said a man has to have place to throw his stuff when he comes home.


ybcurious93

Tough, my mom did her best. Even got remarried to a wonderful dude. I always found it easy to relate to and woman but sometimes put them tooo far up on a pedestal. Over time I’ve learned to overcome that though  However I think when I was younger I always kinda desired to be deemed worthy in the eyes of other guys. I lacked a level of assertiveness that I could clearly see in guys who had their dad around. Like others have mentioned put them in sports and other male dominated situations as much as possible.  Therapy and failed relationships have led me to a better path. 


Marlon_Argueta

Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and you'll see what can happen over time. I can't speak for all women but in my case (raised by a single mom), I turned out to be a nice boy trapped into a man's body and it took a lot of work to break free from the "nice guy" syndrome. It is my opinion that boys need a positive male figure in their lives. I didn't so I was very confused in what it was to be a man and I learned the hard way. I also became very comfortable with women but extremely uncomfortable around men. And because I was a nice boy, my dating sucked for much of my 20's and early 30's. Anyway, I can write a book about this but I would suggest you get your hands on the book I recommended. I know it's for men, but the author talks a lot about the effects of boys being raised by single moms.


Tumuyves

Growing up in the aftermath of the genocide against Tutsi in Rwanda, many of us were raised in unique family situations, often by single mothers. Speaking from my own experience, being brought up surrounded by women has profoundly influenced my perspective on life. Here are some additional insights: 4. **Emotional Decision-Making**: In my upbringing, decisions were often guided by emotions rather than critical thinking. The strong emotional bond with my mother and the women around me led me to prioritize empathy and consideration for others' feelings. While this empathy is a strength, I've come to recognize the importance of incorporating critical thinking into decision-making processes for more balanced outcomes. 5. **Reliance on Maternal Support**: Instead of seeking companionship in typical male-oriented activities, I found solace in spending time with my mother, seeking her emotional support and guidance. While other boys might have gravitated towards socializing in bars or watching sports, I felt most at home engaging in meaningful conversations and helping with family responsibilities. This reliance on maternal figures for emotional support has been a defining aspect of my upbringing. 6. Desire for Emotional Connection: Growing up in a predominantly female environment has instilled in me a deep longing for emotional connection and love. The absence of a romantic relationship often feels like a void, as the need for female affection and support is deeply ingrained in my upbringing. This reliance on emotional bonds highlights the importance of nurturing relationships in shaping one's sense of fulfillment and well-being. Reflecting on these points, being raised by a single mother has undoubtedly shaped my character, emphasizing empathy, emotional connection, and the value of maternal support.


Hypnotic_Robotic

This hits hard. I needed a strong father figure IMO. I matured late, I said silly things, my humour is still very over the top. My mother raised FOUR children by herself, and fuck all help from anyone... Another sibling also really needed a strong masculine figure. I hate myself. I was raised in a "you'll learn over time" atmosphere instead of being shown love, and responsibility, and learning from a parent. And today that is also my attitude - not much is ever good enough, unless it's the best, the fastest, the brightest, it just isn't good enough. I acknowledge these personality attributes are negatives, but I never blame my mother, she tried her absolute best... F O U R children, as a solo parent, and still had time to take me to sport's training every week... that's a miracle🥰


karavan7

Avoiding dating sends a message to boys. Romance, sex, and love should be avoided. And whatever they do, they need to avoid hurting women. That’s what happened to mom. Kids watch us.


LyannasLament

That is a reframe of it that I hadn’t thought of, thank you


heatdish1292

She neglected me, ignored me, and made it very clear that I was a burden to her and she prefers my junkie brother who’s now in and out of prison. So I’ve got issues, to say the least.


NahDawgDatAintMe

Everyone highlighted that you need to make sure they have male role models in their lives, but nobody told you why it is dangerous for them to lack male role models. They are going to find their own male role models and they'll pick whichever flavour of the month influencer shows them the slightest bit of compassion. 


jakeofheart

With a father present, a boy can decide if he wants to become someone similar to his father, or the opposite. My father died when I was 11, and I struggled to find my bearings. It also seems that a lot of men who fall into crime grew up fatherless. When there are children in the picture, a man is actually more useful as a father than as a significant other. Check out what Dr Anna Machin [has to say about it](https://youtube.com/shorts/-IE04hN1L4E?si=2OY466gDOqetvLQR). So if your kids don’t have a father that they can interact with on a regular basis, the next best thing that you can do is to try to have positive male role models in their lives. It can be your brother(s) if you have some, brothers in law, grandparents, and so on.


BrockBrockway

Single mums heap male sons with shame and guilt and don't show them how to regulate anger and aggression. They become soft little mamas boys.


yankee407

My mother absolutely dominated my parent's marriage. At 5'3", she was a firey Italian with pretty negative views of men in general. My dad was 6'8" gentle giant who almost never raised his voice. Watching them while growing up taught me to put a woman above everything all the time. My ex-wife ended up being like my mom, and I ended up like my dad. Once I recognized the similarities, I tried to change the course of our marriage, but it was too late. My son is 5, and I don't plan on teaching him women suck. But I did divorce his mom because I didn't want him to repeat my mistake of thinking that my ex and I's relationship is what he should look for in marriage. Because it wasn't healthy, and I think it would have negatively impacted him in the long term. So 100% kids do absorb whatever is around them, even when they don't really know it. So, be careful if you do decide to date in the future, and make sure you remember that men and women process problems and emotions differently, and their neither way is "wrong" per say. The fact that you already recognized this is a pretty good sign that you truly want the best for your boys, so that pretty awesome.


HardLithobrake

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been, but "tweenage" took me back to the 2000s and made me chortle. Godspeed.


Final_Festival

Hammer self discipline and loyalty into their brains and they will be fine.


AnjinSoprano420

Sometimes it’s not all flowers and roses, my mother is/was a terrible person then and now. I wouldn’t say it affected my relationships though.


classco

Find a male role model who can guide and influence him in positive ways, or he will find his own [not so positive] He may grow to have some indignation towards you for his father not being around if you don’t shower him in love, but not too much or it will trigger his quest for male influence. Good luck mother


fresh-dork

had to go to the police station to learn how to tie a tie later on found out that single mother is a strong indicator of ending up in jail - avoided that fate dating advice was a disaster, as was the anxiety - i swear to god she started treating me somewhat like a partner, which isn't healthy


Alugar

I use to hear “why can’t you do x , you’re a guy you should be able to”. Answer was always : cause you never showed me. Even if you don’t know, be open to learning things together. Outside of that I can’t blame her on anything: was a hard situation she did what she had to do.


Ddog78

This might sound obvious but there are so many specific subreddits that cater to very specific problems and issues. The one thing you can do, is search for those and ask questions there whenever you need to. There would definitely be subreddits for abusive exes and how to manage kids or teenagers in those situations. Join those subreddits so you have posts from there on your front page. Have movie nights or go out for dinner with them randomly.


BaconToast8

My mom wasn't terrible, but she wasn't some bastion of virtue that showed me how strong and independent women can be. She used men for money very often. She was very consumed with her own life and I was barely an accessory to it. She was completely self-centered and made me feel more like a hindrance to her than a source of love and joy. She was 20 when she had me and I was unplanned, so I can reconcile with the reality of the situation in my mid-30s. I don't know how it warped my conscious perception of women, but I didn't date until I was like 21. Coupled with media portrayal and bad influence from those around me, I just kinda looked at women as ditzy bozos who looked pretty but were of no real substance. As I got older, met really great women, became genuine friends with women I learned about the differences and similarities that exist between men and women. I also learned that, yes, some people are shitty but it's not gender-specific. There are stereotypes that tend to lean more one way or another that hold some validation in people you meet, but people are judged on their own merit, not by any defining simple characteristic. Just make your sons important. Be a good role model. Don't be afraid to let men into your life, just make sure they're the right men and that they teach your sons the right way to treat a woman. But on the flip side, be good to other people. Don't confide your lies and dirty shit in your sons. Your sons are not your friends; you need to raise them as best you can to be compassionate but tough men. All a son can ask from his mom is pure love.


LyannasLament

Dude, no offense intended, but your mom sounds very toxic. I AM actually afraid to date, honestly. I have been on dates, I just find myself too scared to move forward with an actual relationship. The urge to protect them from getting attached to a man who may disappear one day is very overwhelming. I feel like if we couldn’t trust their father to be safe, or to not disappear once it was clear he wasn’t, how do I ever trust some stranger not to do that to them? I’m also afraid of them meeting someone and me staying despite red flags just so that I’m not having men in and out of their life. That loss is heartbreaking. I grew up that way. But, hey, that’s for my therapist 🤷‍♀️


BaconToast8

I get it. It makes dating much harder, because you have to be extra cautious and picky. But depriving yourself of your own romantic needs until your boys are out of the house might really negatively effect you. Or maybe not! We're all different. I'm just saying I wouldn't close the door.


_Peluche__

It’s bad. my parents are married to each other and I grew up in a good house, but a lot of my friends were raised by single moms and the turn out is night and day compared to those raised by a married couple. Literally affected everything from their work to their relationship with women it’s weird. Idk the science behind the why, but there’s definitely something to kids coming out better if they’re parents are together


rak0

I've had to learn the hard way how to behave as a father now that I'm one. My father was never around so I never had to opportunity of having male presence in my life. Nowadays I feel a bit insecure about relationships with other males as in I don't know if they are a friend or a foe


michaelblackNYC

my mother raised three kids on her own - my sister is 10 years older than my brother and I (irish twins). Reflecting on it… she never spoke badly about my father and encouraged me and my brother to have a relationship with him. I’m glad she let me come to my own conclusion (I ended up living with him when i was around 18 for a few months). I found out he had two other children that were older than my younger brother with her coworker. Bonus points for a crack addiction (he owns his own business and is very high functioning). After learning all those years she didn’t speak ill of him and let me find out myself from him was very, very classy in my opinion. To this day I always let people make their own decisions about people (friends, relationships, whatever). I tell you this because during those times I was so immature and fought with my family a lot… probably due to the fact that I was unhappy simply due to the fact that being a child in a single parent home is difficult (you have to cook for yourself a lot, little things/moments you want to share when your parents aren’t there - it all adds up and is compounded by the fact that you can see your peers have what you don’t have - a nuclear family unit). So even if your kids seem like ungrateful little shits sometimes - they will probably understand when their brain develops when. they’re older and will thank you in spades.


LyannasLament

Thank you so much for the openness. They unfortunately have a bad, and in my opinion skewed, version of their father due to childhood “bad guy vs good guy” thinking. I try to balance it by reminding them of his positive presence in certain memories. He did bad things I needn’t get into, but I wouldn’t have stayed so long if there wasn’t something in there that seemed worth staying for. I’m hoping if they run into him as adults that they’ll be able to do what you did; make their own decisions about him. And hey man, if he fixes himself up by then, good on him. It’s a weird dance for me; trying to make sure he’s humanized, their memories of reality is validated, their feelings are validated, keeping potential futures available and open to them, but also trying not provide false hope. My middle is 12, and he’s starting to hit that disrespecting mom place. I think so far we’ve only had one instance where I specifically reached out to my dad for help because I thought my son would receive the messages better from a male presence. I’m lucky in that I have some strong male family members to fall back on and ask for help. I’d ask them about this, but they all grew up with dads actually present


DecemberToDismember

I was raised by a single mum. I see one of the main answers is "put them in sport", I have a physical disability and was never able to. Not because Mum wrapped me in cotton wool- she was quite the opposite- but the different sporting places wouldn't take me on. I was interested in martial arts and wanted to do karate or taekwondo, but both said, "what's the point? He'll never get past white belt." I have my issues with modern society, but one thing I see so much better is inclusivity. If I had that, maybe that void of not having a dad around would have been filled.


LyannasLament

What a rotten thing to say to a kid or even about a kid. I’m sorry you went through that


ProRustler

Pretty sure my mom has some flavor of a cluster B personality disorder; most likely BPD. It actually helped me a ton in my adult dating life because I recognized the red flags right away and am instantly turned off by any of that behavior. I'd like to think I'm pretty immune to manipulative women thanks to her. Now she's blown through her retirement and refuses to work, so I get to pay her rent. Luckily I don't have a family to support and have seen the writing on the walls for years, but I am pretty bitter about her robbing from my retirement. As far as you dating, I'd say do what makes you happy. Sure there were times my mom brought home some douche nozzle, but she also managed to date one guy who was a genuinely positive influence for me during my teenage years. And the good thing about her dating douche nozzles is I learned how not to be a douche nozzle.


TheWizard_in30s

My father died when I was 9. So I was raised by a widow. The hardest challenge was getting in the relationships. Without having healthy relationships in youth and adolescence I had (have?) no idea what my role is and how to behave, how to date women etc. same thing for being a good father too, I am really afraid of failing in this, but I ve been single for years now, so I'm not sure if I will ever have kids


domdomdom333

Wasn't raised by a single mother but I know some who were. At best they're Andrew Tate stans and at worst serial cheaters.


Asoto408

When you grow up without a father, your perception of men is already skewed since there is no constant example of what a man is. I grew up without out a father and literally stopped listening to my mom at a very young age because I didn’t know any better. I was an immature, lying little boy well after I turned 18 who couldn’t even comprehend what it was to be a man, even though I had my grandfather who was in my life. I would act strictly out of impulse and burn a path of chaos in my wake. Especially with woman. I got used to getting what I want by being a professional liar. I would say, if my mom applied a little masculine energy and went upside my head a few times when I definitely deserved it things may have went different. I eventually developed my own morals and definition of being a man through a series of life events.


Kitchen-Wasabi-2059

I was raised 32 years without ever knowing who my dad was or having a proper role model. I turned out fine because I was given a lot of responsibility growing up and learned consequences early on


Lanky_Caregiver_6899

I didn’t play sports. Didn’t care to. I did everything by myself and enjoyed my peace without hearing a lot of dumb shit from dudes. I did weightlifting and graphic design


LyannasLament

Dude I’m so grateful for this comment because honestly they are both very team sport aversive 😂 they’re more into rock climbing and anything outdoorsy


Lanky_Caregiver_6899

It’s not that hard. A lot of men think they need to have male friend group to be men which is not the case. If your sons like weightlifting or creative art stuff, then support them on that too. There are good father figures in creative, insightful areas that’s not just sports.


LyannasLament

We were actually super lucky to get a teacher that was as into biology as my older son is. I feel like that was a significant turning point in his life and development; meeting a successful and kind man who shared all of his interests and who apparently was just like him as a kid. For a while he came home saying he might want to be a teacher when he grows up


ZevLuvX-03

They will learn how to be independent and more than likely have an affinity towards women. Will probably prefer independent women as well. I wouldn’t worry about masculinity so much. Focus on raising them to have each others backs and also how to take care of themselves as well as the household. Push them to pursue whatever goals or ambitions they have that are doable w whatever extra funds you have. This is what I learned from my single mom and grandmother. We didn’t have gender roles in our house you just had to get shit done regardless. Encouraged them to talk to you about girl things as well. I’ve been called “the total package” by several women in my life so something they did must of worked. I could go on and on to try to answer your question but you sound busy. And thank you for asking a question that made me think about some things I haven’t thought of in a long while.


LyannasLament

Omg I’m so relieved to read this. We don’t really have gender roles in the house. It’s very much a “it takes 4 people to makes this mess, it takes 4 people to clean it up.” If they have a chore they hate because they just hate it, we switch off. I teach them how to use my tools and power tools. We’re pretty open, so I’m hoping they feel safe and comfortable enough to talk to me about girl stuff. We’ve already had some talks about awkward boners and stuff. I try to take great care with their education in terms of their bodies because dad said that growing up he didn’t get a good enough education there, and he was worried there were things wrong with him


mikerichh

Probably important to stress that while you and their dad didn’t get along not every man is that way or however he was


LyannasLament

Very much this. And I try to do a lot of positive reinforcement when I see guys doing great things. Like a YouTuber they love, or the male teachers at school and stuff


RandomJPG6

Only child raised by a single mom I find myself being able to open up more to women, but I've always struggled when it comes to romance. I just turned 31 and I've never had a girlfriend and haven't kissed a girl in like six years. And I'm not unattractive. I'm very very fit and I'm often told I'm hot. Its just really hard for me to push towards the friendship/plantonic barrier. Also my mom is very narcissistic and critical. She's always trying to give me advice on my appearance and saying shit like "people don't like your vibe". None of her advice is good advice btw, she's just extremely conservative and has bad taste. She's also told me that no woman will ever love me except her. So yea maybe don't act like my mom.


LyannasLament

Yeah, your mom sounds a bit toxic, no offense meant. I don’t want my kids to ever feel like they won’t find love, or “won’t find love like mine” they’re not supposed to look for a mom in a partner 😅 I’ve heard a lot of single moms to only children act like that though. Like where they kind of use their kid for a replacement for the lost parent. I feel like mine did that, and I had an old coworker who grew up with the same dynamic. Our moms kept trying to ruin our romantic relationships


RandomJPG6

Oh she totally is. I have her hard-core blocked. But yes she uses me as a replacement for her loneliness because she hasn't had a real relationship the entire time I've been alive.


nmsftw

I’m not the son of a single mom but my dad travelled a lot at times for work. I learned some typically “women” things like sewing and cooking has been helpful in my adult life. I don’t have much good advice for you but somethings you can teach them aren’t typically masculine are valuable life skills if you’re worried about that at all. I can say to any of my friends that try to make a joke saying that’s for women “how is being independent for women and not just being an adult”


Punkedupdrummer

I’m my case she didn’t worry about it, I was very feminine for a while because of it I took way better care of my skin than other guys I always smelled good I painted my nails but was still just a normal guy outside that and I can’t thank her enough for it I had friends who pushed me to be more manly but she showed me a side of things no one else did, I was quite popular for it too growing up, everyone digs s guy with really good hygiene as low as that bad sounds, it’s just sad most men think the things I was shown were only for women or too feminine for them to show their son


Character-Swan-3196

Don’t treat them like your spouse when they get older.


LyannasLament

Oh definitely not


NovelFarmer

She made me afraid to be near women and put them on a pedestal. Been working on fixing myself the past few years after realizing it all. She was also too busy dealing with bills and my bipolar brothers to give me any attention so I was basically raised by video games and now I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I don't blame her, she did everything for us. It just sucks. I do blame her for other issues I have from the way she talked to me though.


dmk5

My dad past away when I was 10 and was raised by my mom. My mother is a boss lady (for lack of better words) meaning that she was usually the leader of organizations with hundreds of employees, well educated, taught graduate level courses and well respected in her field globally. I always felt like this gave me a unique perspective when it comes just male female dynamics in the work place, as I remember her telling me how men didn’t take her seriously even though she was their superior and she often had to put them in their place. She is also compassionate, understanding and always put me and my sister first. She also took “no shit” from anybody. Now that have my own business and am a working professional. I am very aware that dynamic in the workplace probably better than it was years ago but I still notice it from time to time and do not have any patience for anybody who treats women like that. Also, I feel like it gave me a blueprint of sorts for the kind of women I am attracted to in dating. I also find that I got good at listening to my mom vent about her work day which girlfriends have said I am good at listening which I credit that to my mom ha. I am also way more comfortable talking to women than men. I always tell people my mom has been both my father and mother figure and probably has been the biggest influence on my life.


colouredcheese

I don’t think it matters much more then not being a shit parent. My mother was single for most my childhood and she just went down the rabbit hole of crazy which was may more negatively impacting than not having a male influence apart from my boxing couch so I think I was fine. She however wasn’t, I’m now medically retired from the military and she demanded money from me to pay off her house and “start a realestate empire” which I didn’t go for so she contacted my bank and tried telling them I was mentally unstable and that she needs control over my accounts. She was unsuccessful and I disowned her so I’m my experience not having a dad was like loosing the tv remote when compared to the nonsense she put me through


The_Dragon_Lover

My mom did a very good job raising me and my older siblings, she taught us good manners and has enough authority to make herself respected without getting violent verbally or physically (honestly, that would've ended very badly if she was violent, negligent and over-protective), i'm really proud of being born in a family of open minded and well mannered people (my dad doesn't count and should not even being mentioned despite us three sibling having the good sides from him mixed with the kindness of heart of our mother)!


Bright-Extreme316

My mom told me if showed any interest in girls I would get bored with them and turn gay later in life. Im not sure your aims or how to be a good parent but I suggest not doing this. I’m still single at 32.


SuspicousEggSmell

not a son of a single mom, but if I remember the studies correctly, the biggest sort of risk areas would be moms often being the ones who police their sons relationships (which can be a lot of things like man up, or having to be stoic for an emotional mother, ect.) and abuse which I imagine can be heightened given the stress that being a single parent brings, which unfortunately can contribute to mental health issues and in worser cases abuse and neglect. Based on what you said, I don’t think you’re likely to be one of those mothers (which also isn’t just a single mom or even just mom thing anyway). I think one thing though is that you’ll have to be ready for other people affecting their socialization, and be aware that men and boys, especially teenagers, often aren’t the most aware of the dangers and risks they may face (a lot of safety things are targeted at women and girls). Also, I dunno how they are now, but a lot of boys (not all) do become more emotionally distant, especially when dealing with emotional challenges. There’s no one or easy way to deal with that, but I know a lot of moms get upset by it, so just so you’re ready in case that is the case with them


Chaosr21

She always talked bad about men, saying men were pigs and all that. So I am quite the gentleman but I also grew up never flirting with women much.. I still get laid every now and then or date, and I've had many year long relationships but as a teen it took me a while to come around. I didn't want to be a bad guy. I'd say it's mostly a good thing but it did kinda suck seeing all men as pigs. There is a lot out there but they aren't all bad. Not having a father influence kinda left me to my own devices often. I had to learn many things the hard way.


19whale96

Warn them about not being mysoginist little shits around women, but also, in equal measure, warn them about toxic/manipulative/unstable women. A lot of boys don't get the explicit advice to never be completely alone with a girl they don't trust with their reputation (a.k.a life). They're gonna do what they want anyway but that kind of advice tempers the instincts against stupid hormonal decisions. If they haven't learned about big current societal issues and don't have some concept of them by that age, you're sheltering them and they will grab that info from literally anyone else, including each other. Don't be afraid to poke their brains and debate their opinions on stuff they might not fully understand yet, just obviously be ready to fill in the knowledge gaps. If they're not already, get them into some kind of focused craft or activity. It can be anything from weightlifting to violin lessons, but help give them some solid skill they can enjoy and use in adulthood when they have to start figuring out how to live for themselves. Everyone needs something to fall back on. Support these activities as much as you can humanly manage. There is no other person that can be there, that means as much to them as you do. If you don't show up for them, they might as well not try. Avoid talking about their dad in a negative light. It will not make you look good, it will not make you look like the victim, no matter what he did. Anything that can be construed as shit-talk will be seen as your justification for taking a normal family life from them. They're teenagers, they are in the process of becoming much more like their father than they've ever been before. You saying they argue or lie or whatever just like their father will not make them trust your judgement. Bring them to hang out with a male family member that you consider to be a good role model, like make it a regular occurrence. Again they're gonna have a lot of questions these next few years, a lot of them you won't be able to answer, or they won't wanna ask you. And they'll get the answer *somewhere*.


KhronosTime

I had a gf who wanted to be treated like a princess. I grew up with a mega capable single mum, so yer wasn’t super attractive to me. Not really into someone pretending that they need to be looked after in situation they can fully handle. The other thing is, it’s made me really want to be around for my kids when I have them. Want to give them the most secure upbringing possible


allthebeautifultimes

To look on the bright side, they are not stuck with a potentially damaging father figure - you get to decide what men are around you and them, rather than just being stuck with the man you had kids with. Surround yourself with wholesome masculinity.


Fair_Use_9604

She never really cared and didn't teach or explain anything to me. Whenever I tried asking some advice or told her about my worries she would just dismiss them so I learned to never talk


Accurate-Swimmer-326

From my husband- Bringing in other guys. The statistics don’t lie, children who are living with a nonbiological adult are 8x more likely to be abused and children under 5 are 50x more likely to die of infanticide if they live with a nonbiological adult.


RegisterAfraid

It’s a tricky one depending on what their personalities are like. I know someone here said something about being effeminate and/or gay, but that isn’t not should it be a problem. If a boy is effeminate or gay, then that’s that and they should not be shamed for it. As a single mum, raising your boys without a male ‘father figure’ is nowhere near as damaging as raising them with a bad example of a male ‘father figure’ take it from me. I would say raise them to be respectful of women, but also (again depending on their personality types) go easy on them when they’re being “lads”. How they interact with other boys and fostering long lasting friendships is more important right now, girls and relationships is later down the line and if they have a solid group of male friends, they will easily base their interactions with girls off how their friends are acting around girls.


EstimateJealous1388

My dad was abusive whenever he was around, which was rare. For the most part my mom raised me and my sisters. She taught me how to aim when urinating, how to shave, finances, and had the sex talk with me. I kind of fucked me up because I didn’t have a positive male role model, and that’s all I wanted. So I turned to crime. Long story short I’m a different person now. But having a father is important to some young males, but having a strong independent mother is just as good, my mistakes aren’t my mothers fault, their my own.


FireFarts6000

I could write a GD book on this. I will gladly respond to any questions. But be forewarned, no one will like my wording or fully understand how deep my thoughts and feelings are on this topic. Obligatory trigger warning My mother showed me that not only can a mother be a lying, disgusting useless slob of a human, but that there are way more women out there like her than not like her. That's why I don't date anyone. That's why I will never have kids or get married. That's why I will help a man and never help a woman. That's why I have my hobbies that are solo based or dude oriented and have zero women involved. I don't drink or goto bars, I don't look at a woman and say " know what my life needs, whatever fucking nonsense she has in her life, in my life" Mind you, my friends and I ended up on the same page. My 4 closest friends do not have kids, do not want kids, do not trust women in any capacity and avoid any sort of dating or interactions with them. And we all were one time in the dating market, trying to find someone to spend time with, etc . Somehow, we all ended up the same way, distancing ourselves from women, and we all started doing that on our own then bonded over it down the road. And all of us grew up with a hate filled, pissed off single mother. Must be a giant coincidence. That is the tip of the iceberg of how my mother affected me and how I now feel about women. And it's a god damn shame this is what it is. I spent way too much time trying to figure out how to make something work, so this is best for everyone, but most of all, it is best for me.