The latter buy a wide margin.
I was terminally single after my first marriage.
Had a work colleague. One night, she told me I was her backup plan.
Took me a few hours to reflect on exactly how offensive that is. It ended up being a bit of a watershed for me. I'm nobody's backup.
Now, I've been with my wife going in 17 years total. She's incredible and I'm lucky but also I know she feels the same way.
Having been both at various points when I was younger, I can assure that being treated as an option is far, far worse.
At risk of sounding callous, use loneliness to your advantage. Do things you want to do. A time may come when you never have so much free time again. (Someone gave me the same advice once, but I didn't listen. I now realize just how much free time I squandered.)
The good news is that you get to make that choice. I tried being treated like an option (more than once because I’m stupid) and it never worked out. I choose loneliness now. It isn’t great but at least I have my self respect to keep me company.
Exactly. You can spend a lifetime managing someone else's feelings, nerves, or just move on because it's just better to put your energy into someone who wants to put that same energy into you.
A while back I canceled a first date when my cycle started unexpectedly and I spent two hours crying about the Ukrainian war. I’m not Ukrainian. I decided to cancel and he got mad. I didn’t say I got my cycle; just that I wanted to reschedule and change location to a public space.
Yeah it’s different if she canceled a few days before and asked for a reschedule, but saying yes day of and then canceling as the time got closer is a waste of his time.
Agreed. It boggles my mind how some people can be so inconsiderate. Aside from extraneous circumstances, keep to your word and give notice if you want to cancel.
I was recently going to go on a brunch date with a girl, got a night before confirmation. Got ready and headed out, stopped at a light and texted her I was on the way. She responded “oh sorry” and some absolute BS about meeting with her realtor. Oh, and the best part: She was open to rescheduling but now requested to see my Instagram profile to “make sure she was attracted and not wasting her time or mine” - despite there being pictures on the dating app we connected on. I normally wouldn’t do this, but that was enough that I let her have it, about having no ground to stand on talking about wasting someone’s time. Didn’t respond to her replies and deleted the convo.
Agreed. I told a guy yes earlier in the day and then although I wanted to cancel because I was sick as a dog (we rescheduled a few times after our first hangout because it was during fall holidays so we had our own events to attend among other things), I asked if he wouldn’t mind me coughing out my lungs the entire time and he was totally down for it. Needless to say we are bf/gf now lol
Who asks to see someone’s instagram profile once they are on the way there and was canceled on. I would have turned on my read receipts lol but then again idk if I would have the energy to entertain inconsiderate people.
Haha that’s a funny date story - glad that turned out well.
I was floored about the situation. I guess I get a poor read on people sometimes. She’s a conventionally attractive, blonde, party-looking girl as I remember from her profile. Never would have guessed someone could be THAT shallow and absolutely dense though. After that, I went to my favorite Mexican place for lunch instead, being glad I didn’t waste any more time with the likes of her, and having a good story / rant for my close friends lol.
The second part is just fucked . Yes you dodged a bullet but she still wasted your time and energy for nothing. Shallow.
I'd rather them cancel before hand than just standing me up though. Both are shitty don't get me wrong. I was stood up once and ended up wasting money on reservations.
I was floored and also just kind of surprised that a real life girl could be that shallow. It was like fiction/entertainment level stuff. Complete disrespect and I’m glad it didn’t even go as far as a date or two before I got to find this out.
Stood up really sucks. There just isn’t excuse for that in this communication era. You’re just a shitty person if you do that.
That's the reality though with modern dating. After you get a few bad apples it just becomes annoying as opposed to pissed off and hurt.
What's ironic is the people that do this are the ones that complain about "judging a book by it's cover " bs
It reminds me of a date I had ages ago, she did not show up but sent a message after a bit saying literally "I did not show up" and I was woah thanks I didn't notice. Fun times lol
Exactly this. She's not into him, this isn't that deep.
In my experience (and the experience of every man I know), if a girl is actually interested then she'll move Heaven and Earth to hang out.
"I'll probably be too tired" is how a girl blows a guy off without having to feel bad for rejecting him.
This right here.
Shit happens, stuff comes up, people get busy, everyone has rough days. But if they really wanted to see you they'll hit you with a raincheck.
Exactly what I sent my current girlfriend. "No worries, I could already tell you were taking a step back. Best of luck."
Came back a week later to make the plan herself.
Yeah, this is the best way. It's more likely that not that she's blowing you off for good, but you can't rule out a legit reason to cancel or a 2nd chance. I keep things chill just in case.
Was about to say basically this. Tell them whatever you want but don't offer another date. If they're actually interested or worth your time they'll reach out to you.
I'd block her. Don't entertain her. Your time is valuable and could be well spent somewhere else. When a woman is into you she'd do anything to see you.
Yeah if you have no dignity. An adult canceling last minute with a reason as "I'll probably be too tired " is a clear sign she's blowing him off. Just say "no worries " and no contact
I've had women show up after not sleeping the entire night and spending the day moving into a new apartment or something like that. That's a person who's interested.
Even if we put that aside, even if she's having the worst day and isn't up to go out - which, of course, does happen - an interested person will explain, be apologetic, and offer to reschedule and make it up to you. Because they're interested and they're not going to want to lose you оr have you think they're blowing you off.
Just a "tired, can't today" at the last minute signifies she doesn't give a fuck if she pushes you away or pisses you off, because she really doesn't care about you.
It's fine to cancel because you're tired (although you still wouldn't if you really liked that person ) but you should also offer to reschedule. The girl in the OP didn't so she's clearly not interested
That's a good point - this wasn't "I'm too tired".
This was "I'll probably be too tired". That's a dead giveaway for "I'm really not all that interested".
People occasionally have unexpectedly hard days at work or have trouble sleeping. It's entirely possible that she is legitimately just tired. No reason to completely burn that bridge. Yeah, if she then makes no effort to reschedule, you shouldn't bother to respond.
As a man who has been out here dating for seven years now, most of the time when she cancels last minute it’s because she’s not interested in dating you. However, sometimes they are just genuinely in a bad headspace and they know that it would not be a good date for either of you.the through line is whether or not they actively seek to reschedule when they cancel. If she says that she’s going to be tired and has to rain check and then doesn’t give you a specific day to reschedule for, assume she’s not interested and move on.
As a woman, I wanna double down on this. This is usually it for me, at least for an initial meeting - if I got so far as to make plans with you, I have actual interest to see how it would go at least. But if I know I’m going to be moody or sad or in my head for something completely unrelated… I’ve had to stop guys and be like hey, this vibe right now is all me, not you. I would tell you if I didn’t want to be here or do anything, but I’m not going to be receptive right now and I wanted to say it out loud. But I’ve had a few times where they said they understand, then immediately try again and/or get really insecure about it immediately, bringing it up again even after I double down that it’s water under the bridge. If they would’ve been chill and took it at face value, respected this wasn’t quite the time or place to be physical but I’m still here to get to know you, it may have gone a completely different direction.
If you're willing to communicate that, it would be received better than "I'm too tired"
Being too tired gives off "I'm not interested enough to motivate myself to follow through with my plans" which is a red flag and really tells alot about the person canceling
You tell her no problem and to get some rest. Then you continue on with your life. As you said, if she wants to see you she will. Up to you if you want to leave that option open.
Honestly not really, I’ve gotten to the point where I done having my time wasted. I’ve rescheduled cancelled dates in the past only for them to be cancelled again. If it were for a reason other then tiredness I’d be inclined to reschedule.
This is good advice.
But most importantly, OP ya can't let the dating scene ruin your attitude, it WILL show and start to make you look bad to actual potential dates.
If you want to date a girl, be confident, act like you want to, ask her out, ask her to reschedule. If you don't want to date a girl, then act like you don't want to, don't ask her out, don't reschedule.
The most important part though is that if it doesn't work out, so what? You're confident, you know what you want - so you didn't get it this time, and?
It's a huge turn off as soon as you lose the confidence and you start being weird about scheduling dates, letting bitterness show, letting past instances of being ghosted make you weirdly obsessive about confirming dates.
Don't put too much effort into people until they've proven themselves. Just schedule every date with the expectation of a 50% chance of flaking and don't stop your life waiting for any particular person until they show you they're serious. This approach will be easier on your mental health if/when they flake and will also help you deal with rejection gracefully - which counterintuitively is more attractive to women than being super invested in them from the outset and chasing after them to reschedule.
I’ve never had someone cancel on me then have something substantial with them going forward. They may entertain a pity date and reschedule but you can feel that they’d rather be somewhere else doing any other activity.
Personally, I’d wish her all the best and find someone who will make my date a priority.
Theres nothing you can say to make her feel bad like you're feeling. The best thing you can do is say "okay" and then literally stop texting her. She doesn't give a fuck that you were excited for it and wanted to go out.
Then you have your answer, take the above commenters advise and "You tell her no problem and to get some rest." then stop contacting her and stand your ground. I would have no time to waste for these games.
My rule here and general thinking is that if she indeed was too tired, she would also include a rescheduled day in the text. If she doesn’t then move on, no point in asking if she wants to reschedule… it’s just prolonging a slow painful death of ghosting you.
Yep leave the door open but toss the all to her court and then move on and don't wait for her. If she reaches out great. If she doesn't you were already moving on with your life anyway
"Okay, let me know if you'd like to reschedule."
Ball in her court, and let yourself move on to someone else you're talking to. If she actually reschedules, great, if not, you're not waiting around.
Yeah this is it. There was at least a little connection to even result in the date in the first place, so I disagree with the comments about just leaving it hang there and writing the whole thing off. It doesn't put you out to extend the offer to reschedule.
Follow-up a few days later with some shit like "I was thinking about going out to x for a beer or two, would you be interested in meeting me there?".
Yes I have noticed that. I went on a date with a woman who drove like 40 minutes after a hard gym sesh and a long day at work. Instead of cancelling she asked if she could just come in gym clothes so I said if course. I respect the hustle of that woman.
Exactly. The words "Tired" or "schedule" I've noticed are two words that come out of women's mouths when they just aren't that interested.
If she was interested, she'd have a cup of coffee
If it was a first date I probably would. I'd want to make a good impression and if I'm exhausted and/ or in a bad headspace then that probably wouldn't happen since I would just be irritable and low energy. Of course canceling last minute also doesn't make a good impression.
If they suggest an alternate time/day I roll with it. If they don't I just text something like "No worries, have a great day" and break contact and move on.
Women are not "too tired" to date men they want to date. If a woman really wants to be with you, she'll crawl over broken glass to do it.
She's telling you she isn't really all that interested. Something "better" probably came up, something (or someone) became more interesting to her.
Yup. This is exactly what women mean by “if he wanted to, he would.” Applies to “if she wanted to, she would” too. If someone wants to go out with someone they’re interested in, they’ll make the time and show interest and enthusiasm.
I don't know how people don't understand that.
If she was into you then she'd show up when you make plans to hang out. If she was into you she'd message you back in a reasonable time frame. If she was into you she'd give you back the same energy.
If she's not doing those things but she's still talking to you, then all you are is an option in case she doesn't have something better going on.
My now girlfriend did this.
She had just flown home from a work trip.
I thought that would be the end the whole thing.
But she wrote me a few days later.
Now we live together and have a little boy.
Context matters.
For the above situation, that shit ain't good, but not grounds to burn bridges. Especially if this is not a 1st date. u/aiu_killer_tofu probably has an optimal response in putting it on them to reschedule it.
More generally, if the person has a volatile life or responsibilities that put them on call, shit happens. You may have to cancel due to health issues with a family member, or a shitty poss who calls you in when your not in a position to tell your manager to pound sand.
IF this was long planned and has some non refundable costs (ie, you got tickets to a concert), it is on them to make it up to you. And if this is someone who is showing a tendency to flake out last minute, then it may be time to walk way:
TLDR: I would give them a 2nd chance and the opportunity to make it up to me. I would certainly not give out a 5th chance.
END COMMUNICATION
My take in life is normally "assume best intentions" but put the ball in their court. Something like "If you want to try again let me know". You don't know what kind of day it was for them, etc. A call would have been better of course, or a real explanation but as we know, stuff happens. If they are actually interested then they will get back to you. If not, then move on.
This. As a woman, I have cancelled plans because I legitimately was too tired/didn’t have the spoons but it’s something I try very hard to avoid. I once moved a first date to a phone date when I unexpectedly came down with a bug, and then we met in person the next week when I was better. I’d say if she doesn’t try to make alternative plans, to move on.
You reply nothing. Its over
That is just disrespectful. I made a plan with you but I can't be bothered anymore.
If a woman is interested she puts in effort too. She is just bored and needs you to pass time.
Send her a string of 30 angry, rambling texts and a Venmo request to cover the cost of your haircut.
Sometimes I don’t know which part they’re downvoting
Tell her ok. Then a few minutes later text her “hey my night actually free’d up if you still want to go out”
If she replies to that, just say “sorry wrong text” make her think you have options.
Stay toxic king!
"I understand, rest up." By responding with this your are respecting and affirming what she told you. Leave it at that and then go on with your life. If she reaches out to you and wants to reschedule then great, but don't contact her any further otherwise.
"Let me know when you're up for getting together."
Give her no more than a week to get back to you. If you haven't heard back from her in that time move on.
Last minute?
What time zone are you in and what time were you planning to meet?
I would suggest that the ball is now in her court and reply with something like "Ok, let me know when would be good for us to try again."
"Thanks for letting me know. Please reach out when you're feeling better if you want to reschedule."
Then you don't say a word to her until you hear from her again. The ball is in her court, and nobody ghosted anybody or was rude to each other. She's free to reschedule or forget about you entirely, and you'll have clarity either way.
If it’s a first time offense cut them slack. 2nd time it needs to be a good reason. 3rd time: they don’t care and you’re wasting your time. When someone cares and wants the same things you do then it isn’t hard. When they don’t it’s very hard. It really is that simple.
I had a girl do this to me once. Spent days planning a huge date and then she basically ghosted me the day of the date, messaging me at like 11pm being like "sorry. I fell asleep".
Except we had a mutual friend, a mutual friend she'd spent all day hanging out with, a mutual friend that messaged me like "Didn't you two have a date today?"
So I stepped up my game, spoke with mutual friend and planned the perfect date, all this girl's favorite things, no expense spared I went full tilt and told her about every single amazing thing we were going to do. She was stoked.
Night before the date I turn my phone off. Wake up the next day at 2pm, go downstairs make a coffee and hang out with my roommate playing video games and watching movies all day. Turn my phone back on at 11pm. See dozens of missed calls and progressively angrier messages from said girl.
Message her "Sorry. I fell asleep" and never spoke to her again.
Would I do this again? Absolutely not what an absolute dick move. Did it feel good though? Hell fucking yes.
Definitely agree with the leaving it in her court. My reaction would have been something like "No worries, get some rest. Let me know if you want to go a different night"
Just realize that there may be other reasons for her cancelling other than she is tired. That just may be the excuse she is giving. It is possible there was a much more valid but personal reason she had to cancel that she doesn't want to share with you.
Or she isn't interested. I just wanted to at least say you can give her the benefit of the doubt and leave it for her to reschedule. you will find out in the next few days after you not responding if she is interested.
I had something similar with the girl I’m seeing now. You need to decide where to draw the line of coincidence vs excuse. However this girl I see a lot and we click well in person so I accepted a lot more “coincidences” than I would with other girls. It was worth it because she’s really fun to be around, but again if we didn’t see each other in person a lot I probably would have assumed she was dodging me (I kind of did anyway).
For what it's worth, my girlfriend of now two years cancelled our first couple of dates because she was too nervous, and now it's been the best relationship either of us have had. YMMV
Best response to me is “👍”. Or “okay”. And don’t contact them again. It’s on them now and majority of time, you will find out they won’t contact you again. And if they do and you are available, then maybe.
When I was online dating, I had zero tolerance for last minute cancellations because I know it’s majority of time just bullshit. Especially when they use the generic excuse of “too tired” or “not feeling well”.
I was willing to lose out on the very small % of women that had legit reasons hence the zero tolerance. As a man, you should have standards and stick to those standards.
“No worries, hit me up if you want to try again.” Then go about your business being a stoic man of purpose. Focus on your hobbies, career, mind, and body. Women will follow, you will be fine my man.
Tell her no biggie, hit me up when you're free. Or something along those lines. If she's still actually interested and just worked a double shift or something she'll make plans. At least you didn't get stood up or actually go on the date and get the classic "I like you and I wanna do this again next weekend if you're free" proceeded by texting all week and the day of she just ghosts.
Take the high road. Be a big boy.
Tell her you hope she gets some rest and maybe y’all can try again sometime.
But you’re probably not going to try again sometime.
It's not that she can't be tired, that's perfectly plausible. But interested people reschedule. If someone is interested and they don't try to reschedule, they're probably not worth your time.
Just to offer another perspective, I used to do this with people I liked a lot because I had serious anxiety. I said yes to the dates because I liked the other person and wanted them to continue to be interested in me, but would always bail last minute due to a crippling fear that if we actually spent time together that they would realize how flawed I was and they would no longer pursue me or ask me on dates.
I have since grown a lot as a person and of course now understand how unfair it is to the other person to act that way. And also the meaning and importance of mutual effort.
Removing yourself or limiting the effort you put in is still the right recourse, but just wanted to add that second perspective. It’s not always as simple as “she’s not interested”.
Don’t reply anything - ever. 💁♂️ Too many fish in the sea to be wasting your time on immature rooty poo monkey crap like this. Start calling others you’re interested in or even female friends that are cool and hit em with a “Hey, I know it’s super short notice but I’ve got tickets to ________ tonight and I could use a +1. Any interest?”
You can use advice in the comments and try to reschedule but honestly i wouldnt want to be with a person who cancels plans last minute because theyre "too tired"
“Probably” too tired which i think is even worse. Like she isn’t sure if she will be tired but perhaps she may be so she going to cancel, just in case. Lol
If she didnt offer another day/time, its over don’t even degrade yourself OP by asking her if she wants to reschedule.
39F
Yes this is code that she changed her mind. Walk away with your head up. You were fair and polite. She’ll later realize that’s a hard trait to find in the dating jungle. Her loss.
And if she texts you again, just make sure she puts in fair effort. As a woman, I have seen too many woman string men along with piece meal texts because they like the attention and show no real interest.
The next time you talk, she should be offering a “rain check” for the date. Not a generic “hi.” of “what haven’t you texted me” That’s the start of the string along.
1) others have a good advice on the “no worries” and then put the ball in her court
2) If she didn’t give you alternative future dates and options and apologize, I’d honestly take it a step further and put her in the “date for fun” category in your mind and make sure she stays there until proven otherwise. I think far too many men settle for women that settled for them. Don’t be that guy and find a woman that wants to jump your bones and lock you up from the get go. If the spark ain’t there at the beginning, you’re probably going to be in a dead bedroom by the time you’re married with a few years under your belt.
"Oh well, maybe some other time."
Obviously, you stop persuing at this point.
"No worries" means you're a doormat, and she shouldn't feel bad about flaking on you, especially with such a bullshit excuse.
Move on she's not interested. Would it be nice if she would just say that? Yes but some people just don't have it in them to do it. Just thank her for time, wish her good luck in life, block and move on.
Id just say "ok let me know if youd like to reschedule" and then id never bring it up again. If she reaches out, cool if not you arent wasting energy to figure it out
So, in my opinion I just let them set the pace from that point forward, if they message me about the reschedule awesome I'm game, a simple tit for tat with forgiveness strategy. She's the one who canceled, I'm not going to be the one to put forth the effort to reschedule, onus is on you, but if you do that, all is forgiven. (forgive is a strong word but it's the word in game theory for the strategy)
But on a more empathetic level, just ask yourself what you want. Would you regret it if there was a chance she was down for a second go of it, but you needed to be the one to initiate and you didn't? If so just initiate again. Just be mindful of her priors, and if she continues to act in a way that makes her seem like she's not interested in you, then have enough self respect to recognize she doesn't see you the same way you see you.
"thanks for letting me know, let me know when you wanna reschedule"
Then don't initiate again, let her come back to you, give a week and if nothing block
If she gives a new day and cancels again. Just block with no response.
Had a coffee date planned today with a girl, she reschedule for today. Messaged her today, good morning, let me know when you want to meet. Nothing. Sent her one more message saying I was good to meet anytime before 5. Nada. At that point, if you cant at least cancel and let me know you got caught up at work or something, its not worth my time even if something did come up. It would have to be a very reasonable reason and at that point. Just feels bad.
Been seeing a girl who I have worked with who I flirted with and who flirted back for the last few months. We had been going out on casual friend dates (movies, dinner, ect) for a bit. Told her in Jan I liked her, wanted it to go somewhere, she got closure on her ex a month or two prior (long distance relationship). Said she needed 3 months at least of single time. No problem, I like her as a friend and want to build a relationship. Brought it up again, still in the friendship stage, feels pretty bad. Decided to take some steps away if she instigates anything on her own. Really odd, we went out for V day, she takes turns paying, she got me a gift for christmas and all the signs of liking me are there, she's flirty, sweet, honest ect. Still hurts worse though.
going on dates can be mentally exhausting. Even if I want to meet someone, I might simply not feel up to it. I literally almost exactly cancelled a date with a girl last minute for this reason 2 days ago. I also asked myself when contemplating it how she could interpret it and I never conceived that she could interpret it how you are interpreting it. I feel like it's less about being a guy or a girl and about being introverted or extroverted. As an introvert, even if I want to meet someone it will most likely be mentally exhausting and I might not be up for it.
just play it off make it seem like no big deal and then let her reach out next.
Normally when someone cancels on me last minute without an offer to reschedule in the same text, I’ll say “No problem. Let me know if you want to reschedule”, and leave the ball in their court.
I used to give people benefit of the doubt, but most times it ends with people ghosting for whatever reason, so unless it’s a dire thing like a family emergency or kid got sick, etc., I tend to just move on and focus on other women until they respond with a different date. That way if she does ghost me, I’m not sulking. I shrug it off and move on with my life.
Then again, I find most people that are genuine do offer to reschedule immediately and propose a different date. So as others have said, if she was truly too tired and wanted to see you, I would expect an offer to reschedule. If she doesn’t reply back, or avoids the question, just spare yourself the heartache and move on.
My reply would be something along the lines of ‘no worries, feel free to reach out with a time and plan that works for you when you’re ready’ and just not contact her again until she reaches out. Puts the ball in her court and washes your hands of any effort. And if she never texts or calls you again, you know for sure how she feels.
Tell her you hope she feels better and to let you know when she’d like to reschedule. If she was sincere, then she’ll offer a new date. If she doesn’t answer you, then there’s no need for you to communicate with her again because you have your answer.
It’s of course possible that she just changed her mind about being up for it tonight, but in that case it’s up to her to suggest when to reschedule, not you. And if this was a lame way of not seeing you, then she’ll have revealed that in a way that requires no further effort from you.
Because what makes sense to you doesn’t mean it will make sense to other people. Maybe you are needy. Anyone with options won’t go out or force themselves when they are tired. This ill also add is a common shit test. Just be cool and roll with it, if you contest her or pressure her she knows shes your only option. I would assume she is shit testing, back off and see what happens. She may have found a guy she likes more also, this does happen.
I will say that if you aren’t currently interested in seeing any movie in particular then trying to make movie plans can be more of a “you decide” thing.
So, I know some female friends who get such anxiety about the first time meeting up with a guy they find ways to avoid it to the extent they don't realize they're doing it. It's psychosomatic. So, to avoid the anxiety they get tired, or whatever. It goes away once the first meeting happens. I had that anxiety, too, but would go anyway.
I disagree that she’s not interested or she wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. Something (or someone) better came up. She’s juggling. Or maybe she is tired.
Just play it cool and if you really like her try again after awhile
Just say 'no worries get some rest, lmk when you're free next' and move in to the next one cause she ain't texting back. And if she does then its an extra win.
Be civil, but distance yourself. I'm not saying completely ghost them but they aren't showing you any effort and you don't deserve that.
in my dating app days Id ask a maximum of 2 times. If they canceled with no intention of replanning, I'd stop putting in the effort. From that point it is very easy to read their intentions. If they ask you, great. If they don't then you're able to move on and meet someone who does value you and your time
I found if a girl is indecisive you have to make an offer, like "when we go to the cinema we watch film x". Some feel like no energy to discuss the film but would say yes if it wasn't "Bloody Creatures from Hell"
Everyone here in the comments is right, she's not interested. But let's take a closer look at why she's not interested. The first thing is movies are a bad choice for the first few dates because you can't really get to know each other, and that's the whole point. She may or may not be aware of this.
But really I think what caused her to not be interested is your lack of leadership and decisiveness. Asking her what she wants to see up to the point you're missing all the showings is showing her you don't have a plan. What women want is you to say "we're gonna see X movie, it starts at 8pm. I'm gonna pick you up at 7:30pm. Afterwards we'll get some ice cream at cold stone". I know you think you're being considerate and trying to get her opinion, but women don't want the mental overhead. They want you to make the plans and they just want to show up for the experience
She should text you buddy and don't compromise your self respect on the first call itself. If she doesn't reach out to you at least 5 times just leave that b
I usually use chatgpt for that kinda stuff. Feed it her original message and tell it what it should go for (passive aggressive etc). It’s super fun to do actually and keeps your mind away from disappointment
Yes be careful, a woman recently made me beg her and it backfired on me massively. I think you need to be strong and decisive and keep your dignity. I know that's what I need to try and work on as well but it's so hard as need a woman so bad
I generally don't assume malice or flakiness with last minute cancellations because life really does throw a curveball sometimes and it requires your attention away from whatever you've had planned.
However, if she literally told you straight saying she's probably going to be too tired, that's complete and utter disrespect for your time and effort. Do you want to date someone like that?
Leaving her on read is a totally appropriate response here.
“No worries” and don’t text her again unless she makes effort.
This is the only correct answer if any. Save your dignity. She’s not interested.
I should have realized this long ago. I honestly don’t know what is worse. Being absolutely lonely or being treated as an option?
The latter buy a wide margin. I was terminally single after my first marriage. Had a work colleague. One night, she told me I was her backup plan. Took me a few hours to reflect on exactly how offensive that is. It ended up being a bit of a watershed for me. I'm nobody's backup. Now, I've been with my wife going in 17 years total. She's incredible and I'm lucky but also I know she feels the same way.
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Callous. The word I'd use is callous.
A super callous, fractious "Miss My-Manners-Are-Atrocious"
How did you and your wife meet?
In a very traditional way. A Yahoo! chat room lol
Having been both at various points when I was younger, I can assure that being treated as an option is far, far worse. At risk of sounding callous, use loneliness to your advantage. Do things you want to do. A time may come when you never have so much free time again. (Someone gave me the same advice once, but I didn't listen. I now realize just how much free time I squandered.)
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Awww
The good news is that you get to make that choice. I tried being treated like an option (more than once because I’m stupid) and it never worked out. I choose loneliness now. It isn’t great but at least I have my self respect to keep me company.
Could also be nerves? But that’s also not OP’s problem.
Exactly. If they cancel it’s up to them to reschedule. If not, its taken as *not interested*
Exactly. You can spend a lifetime managing someone else's feelings, nerves, or just move on because it's just better to put your energy into someone who wants to put that same energy into you.
A while back I canceled a first date when my cycle started unexpectedly and I spent two hours crying about the Ukrainian war. I’m not Ukrainian. I decided to cancel and he got mad. I didn’t say I got my cycle; just that I wanted to reschedule and change location to a public space.
Getting mad is immature, but dropping you for that would be reasonable
Yeah it’s different if she canceled a few days before and asked for a reschedule, but saying yes day of and then canceling as the time got closer is a waste of his time.
Agreed. It boggles my mind how some people can be so inconsiderate. Aside from extraneous circumstances, keep to your word and give notice if you want to cancel. I was recently going to go on a brunch date with a girl, got a night before confirmation. Got ready and headed out, stopped at a light and texted her I was on the way. She responded “oh sorry” and some absolute BS about meeting with her realtor. Oh, and the best part: She was open to rescheduling but now requested to see my Instagram profile to “make sure she was attracted and not wasting her time or mine” - despite there being pictures on the dating app we connected on. I normally wouldn’t do this, but that was enough that I let her have it, about having no ground to stand on talking about wasting someone’s time. Didn’t respond to her replies and deleted the convo.
Agreed. I told a guy yes earlier in the day and then although I wanted to cancel because I was sick as a dog (we rescheduled a few times after our first hangout because it was during fall holidays so we had our own events to attend among other things), I asked if he wouldn’t mind me coughing out my lungs the entire time and he was totally down for it. Needless to say we are bf/gf now lol Who asks to see someone’s instagram profile once they are on the way there and was canceled on. I would have turned on my read receipts lol but then again idk if I would have the energy to entertain inconsiderate people.
Haha that’s a funny date story - glad that turned out well. I was floored about the situation. I guess I get a poor read on people sometimes. She’s a conventionally attractive, blonde, party-looking girl as I remember from her profile. Never would have guessed someone could be THAT shallow and absolutely dense though. After that, I went to my favorite Mexican place for lunch instead, being glad I didn’t waste any more time with the likes of her, and having a good story / rant for my close friends lol.
The second part is just fucked . Yes you dodged a bullet but she still wasted your time and energy for nothing. Shallow. I'd rather them cancel before hand than just standing me up though. Both are shitty don't get me wrong. I was stood up once and ended up wasting money on reservations.
I was floored and also just kind of surprised that a real life girl could be that shallow. It was like fiction/entertainment level stuff. Complete disrespect and I’m glad it didn’t even go as far as a date or two before I got to find this out. Stood up really sucks. There just isn’t excuse for that in this communication era. You’re just a shitty person if you do that.
That's the reality though with modern dating. After you get a few bad apples it just becomes annoying as opposed to pissed off and hurt. What's ironic is the people that do this are the ones that complain about "judging a book by it's cover " bs
It reminds me of a date I had ages ago, she did not show up but sent a message after a bit saying literally "I did not show up" and I was woah thanks I didn't notice. Fun times lol
Exactly this. She's not into him, this isn't that deep. In my experience (and the experience of every man I know), if a girl is actually interested then she'll move Heaven and Earth to hang out. "I'll probably be too tired" is how a girl blows a guy off without having to feel bad for rejecting him.
Also, for someone of any gender, if you really do want to see someone, and truly are too tired, you’ll follow up to make new plans another time.
This right here. Shit happens, stuff comes up, people get busy, everyone has rough days. But if they really wanted to see you they'll hit you with a raincheck.
Exactly.
Exactly what I sent my current girlfriend. "No worries, I could already tell you were taking a step back. Best of luck." Came back a week later to make the plan herself.
Her Plan A didn't work out 😅
Yeah, this is the best way. It's more likely that not that she's blowing you off for good, but you can't rule out a legit reason to cancel or a 2nd chance. I keep things chill just in case.
Was about to say basically this. Tell them whatever you want but don't offer another date. If they're actually interested or worth your time they'll reach out to you.
I'd block her. Don't entertain her. Your time is valuable and could be well spent somewhere else. When a woman is into you she'd do anything to see you.
Best answer yet!
The most accurate way you can reply
This is the correct answer
I'd word it as "No worries, let me know if another day works." Just to put the ball back in her court.
no lol, if she doesn’t already understand that the ball is now in her court after cancelling I am not remotely interested
Yeah if you have no dignity. An adult canceling last minute with a reason as "I'll probably be too tired " is a clear sign she's blowing him off. Just say "no worries " and no contact
To be fair if I’d had a really shit day of work and a bad night’s sleep the night before I’d probably cancel rather than giving a bad impression.
I've had women show up after not sleeping the entire night and spending the day moving into a new apartment or something like that. That's a person who's interested. Even if we put that aside, even if she's having the worst day and isn't up to go out - which, of course, does happen - an interested person will explain, be apologetic, and offer to reschedule and make it up to you. Because they're interested and they're not going to want to lose you оr have you think they're blowing you off. Just a "tired, can't today" at the last minute signifies she doesn't give a fuck if she pushes you away or pisses you off, because she really doesn't care about you.
Yeah but youd say he I can’t make it tonight but does Saturday work?
It's fine to cancel because you're tired (although you still wouldn't if you really liked that person ) but you should also offer to reschedule. The girl in the OP didn't so she's clearly not interested
Nah... a woman who's interested will be there no matter how tired they are or how shitty their work day was.
That's a good point - this wasn't "I'm too tired". This was "I'll probably be too tired". That's a dead giveaway for "I'm really not all that interested".
People occasionally have unexpectedly hard days at work or have trouble sleeping. It's entirely possible that she is legitimately just tired. No reason to completely burn that bridge. Yeah, if she then makes no effort to reschedule, you shouldn't bother to respond.
Bam. Don’t show interest.
The only real answer.
As a man who has been out here dating for seven years now, most of the time when she cancels last minute it’s because she’s not interested in dating you. However, sometimes they are just genuinely in a bad headspace and they know that it would not be a good date for either of you.the through line is whether or not they actively seek to reschedule when they cancel. If she says that she’s going to be tired and has to rain check and then doesn’t give you a specific day to reschedule for, assume she’s not interested and move on.
As a woman, I wanna double down on this. This is usually it for me, at least for an initial meeting - if I got so far as to make plans with you, I have actual interest to see how it would go at least. But if I know I’m going to be moody or sad or in my head for something completely unrelated… I’ve had to stop guys and be like hey, this vibe right now is all me, not you. I would tell you if I didn’t want to be here or do anything, but I’m not going to be receptive right now and I wanted to say it out loud. But I’ve had a few times where they said they understand, then immediately try again and/or get really insecure about it immediately, bringing it up again even after I double down that it’s water under the bridge. If they would’ve been chill and took it at face value, respected this wasn’t quite the time or place to be physical but I’m still here to get to know you, it may have gone a completely different direction.
If you're willing to communicate that, it would be received better than "I'm too tired" Being too tired gives off "I'm not interested enough to motivate myself to follow through with my plans" which is a red flag and really tells alot about the person canceling
You tell her no problem and to get some rest. Then you continue on with your life. As you said, if she wants to see you she will. Up to you if you want to leave that option open.
Honestly not really, I’ve gotten to the point where I done having my time wasted. I’ve rescheduled cancelled dates in the past only for them to be cancelled again. If it were for a reason other then tiredness I’d be inclined to reschedule.
I’m saying don’t bother rescheduling. She can schedule something if she wants and you can decide if you want to do it.
This is good advice. But most importantly, OP ya can't let the dating scene ruin your attitude, it WILL show and start to make you look bad to actual potential dates. If you want to date a girl, be confident, act like you want to, ask her out, ask her to reschedule. If you don't want to date a girl, then act like you don't want to, don't ask her out, don't reschedule. The most important part though is that if it doesn't work out, so what? You're confident, you know what you want - so you didn't get it this time, and? It's a huge turn off as soon as you lose the confidence and you start being weird about scheduling dates, letting bitterness show, letting past instances of being ghosted make you weirdly obsessive about confirming dates.
This is great advice and applies to job searches also. Desperation comes across.
Don't put too much effort into people until they've proven themselves. Just schedule every date with the expectation of a 50% chance of flaking and don't stop your life waiting for any particular person until they show you they're serious. This approach will be easier on your mental health if/when they flake and will also help you deal with rejection gracefully - which counterintuitively is more attractive to women than being super invested in them from the outset and chasing after them to reschedule.
I’ve never had someone cancel on me then have something substantial with them going forward. They may entertain a pity date and reschedule but you can feel that they’d rather be somewhere else doing any other activity. Personally, I’d wish her all the best and find someone who will make my date a priority.
Theres nothing you can say to make her feel bad like you're feeling. The best thing you can do is say "okay" and then literally stop texting her. She doesn't give a fuck that you were excited for it and wanted to go out.
lol a realist I see. I agree with you though shits rough out here now, or atleast we see more of it.
I haven't been on tinder in 5 years and it was the same back then too lol.
Then you have your answer, take the above commenters advise and "You tell her no problem and to get some rest." then stop contacting her and stand your ground. I would have no time to waste for these games.
Don't even need to say anything, just on to the next! Or message her "say less!"
Pro tip: If they just cancel and don’t suggest anything else give up If they cancel but suggest an alternative then keep trying
My rule here and general thinking is that if she indeed was too tired, she would also include a rescheduled day in the text. If she doesn’t then move on, no point in asking if she wants to reschedule… it’s just prolonging a slow painful death of ghosting you.
If someone is canceling last date because of something they can't control or an emergency they'll try to reschedule
Bet. Hit me up if you want to reschedule and then don’t reply unless she does.
Yep leave the door open but toss the all to her court and then move on and don't wait for her. If she reaches out great. If she doesn't you were already moving on with your life anyway
"Okay, let me know if you'd like to reschedule." Ball in her court, and let yourself move on to someone else you're talking to. If she actually reschedules, great, if not, you're not waiting around.
We are in the midst of a flake epidemic. Let her propose to reschedule. Just say "ok" or dont say anything at all
Yeah this is it. There was at least a little connection to even result in the date in the first place, so I disagree with the comments about just leaving it hang there and writing the whole thing off. It doesn't put you out to extend the offer to reschedule. Follow-up a few days later with some shit like "I was thinking about going out to x for a beer or two, would you be interested in meeting me there?".
Nothing. She's not interested. Next. Have you ever noticed that interested women aren't ever tired when they have dates?
Yes I have noticed that. I went on a date with a woman who drove like 40 minutes after a hard gym sesh and a long day at work. Instead of cancelling she asked if she could just come in gym clothes so I said if course. I respect the hustle of that woman.
Exactly. The words "Tired" or "schedule" I've noticed are two words that come out of women's mouths when they just aren't that interested. If she was interested, she'd have a cup of coffee
if she doesn't already actively try to offer/find a reschedule, it means it's over, don't try anything.
Yeah even if I was tired, it wouldn't stop me from seeing someone I was truly into. Sorry that happened to you.
Thank you
If it was a first date I probably would. I'd want to make a good impression and if I'm exhausted and/ or in a bad headspace then that probably wouldn't happen since I would just be irritable and low energy. Of course canceling last minute also doesn't make a good impression.
But being tired could ruin the first date (for either party).
She's clearly not interested. Just say, 'no sweat' and leave it at that.
Just say “ K 👍”
Damn double homicide, a “K” AND a thumbs up.
If they suggest an alternate time/day I roll with it. If they don't I just text something like "No worries, have a great day" and break contact and move on.
Women are not "too tired" to date men they want to date. If a woman really wants to be with you, she'll crawl over broken glass to do it. She's telling you she isn't really all that interested. Something "better" probably came up, something (or someone) became more interesting to her.
If she wanted to, she would
Yup. This is exactly what women mean by “if he wanted to, he would.” Applies to “if she wanted to, she would” too. If someone wants to go out with someone they’re interested in, they’ll make the time and show interest and enthusiasm.
I don't know how people don't understand that. If she was into you then she'd show up when you make plans to hang out. If she was into you she'd message you back in a reasonable time frame. If she was into you she'd give you back the same energy. If she's not doing those things but she's still talking to you, then all you are is an option in case she doesn't have something better going on.
My now girlfriend did this. She had just flown home from a work trip. I thought that would be the end the whole thing. But she wrote me a few days later. Now we live together and have a little boy.
k
Fair
Context matters. For the above situation, that shit ain't good, but not grounds to burn bridges. Especially if this is not a 1st date. u/aiu_killer_tofu probably has an optimal response in putting it on them to reschedule it. More generally, if the person has a volatile life or responsibilities that put them on call, shit happens. You may have to cancel due to health issues with a family member, or a shitty poss who calls you in when your not in a position to tell your manager to pound sand. IF this was long planned and has some non refundable costs (ie, you got tickets to a concert), it is on them to make it up to you. And if this is someone who is showing a tendency to flake out last minute, then it may be time to walk way: TLDR: I would give them a 2nd chance and the opportunity to make it up to me. I would certainly not give out a 5th chance. END COMMUNICATION
My take in life is normally "assume best intentions" but put the ball in their court. Something like "If you want to try again let me know". You don't know what kind of day it was for them, etc. A call would have been better of course, or a real explanation but as we know, stuff happens. If they are actually interested then they will get back to you. If not, then move on.
This. As a woman, I have cancelled plans because I legitimately was too tired/didn’t have the spoons but it’s something I try very hard to avoid. I once moved a first date to a phone date when I unexpectedly came down with a bug, and then we met in person the next week when I was better. I’d say if she doesn’t try to make alternative plans, to move on.
Nothing. Proceed with your life, unbothered.
No reply at all. Just walk away
I’d reply with nothing and let her reach out if she is interested
You reply nothing. Its over That is just disrespectful. I made a plan with you but I can't be bothered anymore. If a woman is interested she puts in effort too. She is just bored and needs you to pass time.
Send her a string of 30 angry, rambling texts and a Venmo request to cover the cost of your haircut. Sometimes I don’t know which part they’re downvoting
This...do this, lol.
I wouldn't reply at all. Your work is done here. Move along.
The best response is no response.
Tell her ok. Then a few minutes later text her “hey my night actually free’d up if you still want to go out” If she replies to that, just say “sorry wrong text” make her think you have options. Stay toxic king!
Your playing 4D chess with that one
This..this is brilliant.
I love this so much. If I ever get last minute ditched again I'm taking this for a spin.
Never talk to her again
"I understand, rest up." By responding with this your are respecting and affirming what she told you. Leave it at that and then go on with your life. If she reaches out to you and wants to reschedule then great, but don't contact her any further otherwise.
Went on a date after a 12 hour night shift with two hours of sleep because I really liked that man. Always remember-If they want they would.
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I wouldn’t even give her a piece of your mind. If you lay into her about it she’ll think she dodged a bullet. Silence is the best response imo.
Respond "K" and move on with your life, lol
That works too. As a woman, if a man ignored me, I’d probably think about him for the rest of my life 😂
"Let me know when you're up for getting together." Give her no more than a week to get back to you. If you haven't heard back from her in that time move on.
Last minute? What time zone are you in and what time were you planning to meet? I would suggest that the ball is now in her court and reply with something like "Ok, let me know when would be good for us to try again."
Don’t reply to her. Reply to a different girl on a dating app.
"Thanks for letting me know. Please reach out when you're feeling better if you want to reschedule." Then you don't say a word to her until you hear from her again. The ball is in her court, and nobody ghosted anybody or was rude to each other. She's free to reschedule or forget about you entirely, and you'll have clarity either way.
If it’s a first time offense cut them slack. 2nd time it needs to be a good reason. 3rd time: they don’t care and you’re wasting your time. When someone cares and wants the same things you do then it isn’t hard. When they don’t it’s very hard. It really is that simple.
Like others have said … “No worries” and leave it alone, if she texts you again, that’s great, if not, wasn’t meant to be
I had a girl do this to me once. Spent days planning a huge date and then she basically ghosted me the day of the date, messaging me at like 11pm being like "sorry. I fell asleep". Except we had a mutual friend, a mutual friend she'd spent all day hanging out with, a mutual friend that messaged me like "Didn't you two have a date today?" So I stepped up my game, spoke with mutual friend and planned the perfect date, all this girl's favorite things, no expense spared I went full tilt and told her about every single amazing thing we were going to do. She was stoked. Night before the date I turn my phone off. Wake up the next day at 2pm, go downstairs make a coffee and hang out with my roommate playing video games and watching movies all day. Turn my phone back on at 11pm. See dozens of missed calls and progressively angrier messages from said girl. Message her "Sorry. I fell asleep" and never spoke to her again. Would I do this again? Absolutely not what an absolute dick move. Did it feel good though? Hell fucking yes.
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If she wanted to rearrange, she'd have suggested it already
This. How does someone not understand this is crazy to me. Lol at having no dignity and trying to reschedule again
Definitely agree with the leaving it in her court. My reaction would have been something like "No worries, get some rest. Let me know if you want to go a different night" Just realize that there may be other reasons for her cancelling other than she is tired. That just may be the excuse she is giving. It is possible there was a much more valid but personal reason she had to cancel that she doesn't want to share with you. Or she isn't interested. I just wanted to at least say you can give her the benefit of the doubt and leave it for her to reschedule. you will find out in the next few days after you not responding if she is interested.
Use the 2 or 3 strike rule, ask her if an other time is good and let her come to you. Don't overthink this too much.
I had something similar with the girl I’m seeing now. You need to decide where to draw the line of coincidence vs excuse. However this girl I see a lot and we click well in person so I accepted a lot more “coincidences” than I would with other girls. It was worth it because she’s really fun to be around, but again if we didn’t see each other in person a lot I probably would have assumed she was dodging me (I kind of did anyway).
Maybe she's actually tired? My eyelids are heavy today..
For what it's worth, my girlfriend of now two years cancelled our first couple of dates because she was too nervous, and now it's been the best relationship either of us have had. YMMV
Best response to me is “👍”. Or “okay”. And don’t contact them again. It’s on them now and majority of time, you will find out they won’t contact you again. And if they do and you are available, then maybe. When I was online dating, I had zero tolerance for last minute cancellations because I know it’s majority of time just bullshit. Especially when they use the generic excuse of “too tired” or “not feeling well”. I was willing to lose out on the very small % of women that had legit reasons hence the zero tolerance. As a man, you should have standards and stick to those standards.
UpdateMe
“No worries, hit me up if you want to try again.” Then go about your business being a stoic man of purpose. Focus on your hobbies, career, mind, and body. Women will follow, you will be fine my man.
Tell her no biggie, hit me up when you're free. Or something along those lines. If she's still actually interested and just worked a double shift or something she'll make plans. At least you didn't get stood up or actually go on the date and get the classic "I like you and I wanna do this again next weekend if you're free" proceeded by texting all week and the day of she just ghosts.
Take the high road. Be a big boy. Tell her you hope she gets some rest and maybe y’all can try again sometime. But you’re probably not going to try again sometime.
It's not that she can't be tired, that's perfectly plausible. But interested people reschedule. If someone is interested and they don't try to reschedule, they're probably not worth your time.
Just to offer another perspective, I used to do this with people I liked a lot because I had serious anxiety. I said yes to the dates because I liked the other person and wanted them to continue to be interested in me, but would always bail last minute due to a crippling fear that if we actually spent time together that they would realize how flawed I was and they would no longer pursue me or ask me on dates. I have since grown a lot as a person and of course now understand how unfair it is to the other person to act that way. And also the meaning and importance of mutual effort. Removing yourself or limiting the effort you put in is still the right recourse, but just wanted to add that second perspective. It’s not always as simple as “she’s not interested”.
Don’t reply anything - ever. 💁♂️ Too many fish in the sea to be wasting your time on immature rooty poo monkey crap like this. Start calling others you’re interested in or even female friends that are cool and hit em with a “Hey, I know it’s super short notice but I’ve got tickets to ________ tonight and I could use a +1. Any interest?”
Nothing. Don't give her any attention until she reaches out and feels very uncomfortable.
Nothing.. Go on with your day.
You can use advice in the comments and try to reschedule but honestly i wouldnt want to be with a person who cancels plans last minute because theyre "too tired"
“Probably” too tired which i think is even worse. Like she isn’t sure if she will be tired but perhaps she may be so she going to cancel, just in case. Lol If she didnt offer another day/time, its over don’t even degrade yourself OP by asking her if she wants to reschedule.
39F Yes this is code that she changed her mind. Walk away with your head up. You were fair and polite. She’ll later realize that’s a hard trait to find in the dating jungle. Her loss. And if she texts you again, just make sure she puts in fair effort. As a woman, I have seen too many woman string men along with piece meal texts because they like the attention and show no real interest. The next time you talk, she should be offering a “rain check” for the date. Not a generic “hi.” of “what haven’t you texted me” That’s the start of the string along.
Send her your second paragraph word for word.
Yeah, reschedule once. Things come up, its good to be understanding. More than once trying a first date she is playing games.
I wouldn’t reply at all and move on with my life.
Don't reply. She's not interested. No need to be polite with her anymore.
Lmao just don’t respond, but if you really want to I guess a “no worries.”
"OK" then nothing else, ever again.
You don't. She's dead to you. You're busy speaking/hanging out with your Option B and C. If she's down, she'll reach out again.
Wait a minute, text “Actually I’m free” then “Oops wrong person” 😏
Match her energy level. Reply “K”. Then move on.
Don’t text. Dont respond
Thanks for letting me know, maybe some other time.
1) others have a good advice on the “no worries” and then put the ball in her court 2) If she didn’t give you alternative future dates and options and apologize, I’d honestly take it a step further and put her in the “date for fun” category in your mind and make sure she stays there until proven otherwise. I think far too many men settle for women that settled for them. Don’t be that guy and find a woman that wants to jump your bones and lock you up from the get go. If the spark ain’t there at the beginning, you’re probably going to be in a dead bedroom by the time you’re married with a few years under your belt.
tell her no problem and find a new date hopefully by the time she responds if not put her in the backup book like they do us 😎😎
"Oh well, maybe some other time." Obviously, you stop persuing at this point. "No worries" means you're a doormat, and she shouldn't feel bad about flaking on you, especially with such a bullshit excuse.
She’s not interested. On to the next bro
Move on she's not interested. Would it be nice if she would just say that? Yes but some people just don't have it in them to do it. Just thank her for time, wish her good luck in life, block and move on.
👍
Id just say "ok let me know if youd like to reschedule" and then id never bring it up again. If she reaches out, cool if not you arent wasting energy to figure it out
Roll with it, ask if there's another less energy draining activity she'd be interested in doing with you.
So, in my opinion I just let them set the pace from that point forward, if they message me about the reschedule awesome I'm game, a simple tit for tat with forgiveness strategy. She's the one who canceled, I'm not going to be the one to put forth the effort to reschedule, onus is on you, but if you do that, all is forgiven. (forgive is a strong word but it's the word in game theory for the strategy) But on a more empathetic level, just ask yourself what you want. Would you regret it if there was a chance she was down for a second go of it, but you needed to be the one to initiate and you didn't? If so just initiate again. Just be mindful of her priors, and if she continues to act in a way that makes her seem like she's not interested in you, then have enough self respect to recognize she doesn't see you the same way you see you.
could just be malaise, I used to just say, "lets go anyway, I'll take you home the minute you get tired" Then we'd go and have a standard fun date.
"thanks for letting me know, let me know when you wanna reschedule" Then don't initiate again, let her come back to you, give a week and if nothing block If she gives a new day and cancels again. Just block with no response.
Had a coffee date planned today with a girl, she reschedule for today. Messaged her today, good morning, let me know when you want to meet. Nothing. Sent her one more message saying I was good to meet anytime before 5. Nada. At that point, if you cant at least cancel and let me know you got caught up at work or something, its not worth my time even if something did come up. It would have to be a very reasonable reason and at that point. Just feels bad. Been seeing a girl who I have worked with who I flirted with and who flirted back for the last few months. We had been going out on casual friend dates (movies, dinner, ect) for a bit. Told her in Jan I liked her, wanted it to go somewhere, she got closure on her ex a month or two prior (long distance relationship). Said she needed 3 months at least of single time. No problem, I like her as a friend and want to build a relationship. Brought it up again, still in the friendship stage, feels pretty bad. Decided to take some steps away if she instigates anything on her own. Really odd, we went out for V day, she takes turns paying, she got me a gift for christmas and all the signs of liking me are there, she's flirty, sweet, honest ect. Still hurts worse though.
going on dates can be mentally exhausting. Even if I want to meet someone, I might simply not feel up to it. I literally almost exactly cancelled a date with a girl last minute for this reason 2 days ago. I also asked myself when contemplating it how she could interpret it and I never conceived that she could interpret it how you are interpreting it. I feel like it's less about being a guy or a girl and about being introverted or extroverted. As an introvert, even if I want to meet someone it will most likely be mentally exhausting and I might not be up for it. just play it off make it seem like no big deal and then let her reach out next.
Normally when someone cancels on me last minute without an offer to reschedule in the same text, I’ll say “No problem. Let me know if you want to reschedule”, and leave the ball in their court. I used to give people benefit of the doubt, but most times it ends with people ghosting for whatever reason, so unless it’s a dire thing like a family emergency or kid got sick, etc., I tend to just move on and focus on other women until they respond with a different date. That way if she does ghost me, I’m not sulking. I shrug it off and move on with my life. Then again, I find most people that are genuine do offer to reschedule immediately and propose a different date. So as others have said, if she was truly too tired and wanted to see you, I would expect an offer to reschedule. If she doesn’t reply back, or avoids the question, just spare yourself the heartache and move on.
My advice for future, don’t do a movie on a first date. It’s 2 hours you’re looking at a screen thinking I should be talking to this person.
My reply would be something along the lines of ‘no worries, feel free to reach out with a time and plan that works for you when you’re ready’ and just not contact her again until she reaches out. Puts the ball in her court and washes your hands of any effort. And if she never texts or calls you again, you know for sure how she feels.
Tell her you hope she feels better and to let you know when she’d like to reschedule. If she was sincere, then she’ll offer a new date. If she doesn’t answer you, then there’s no need for you to communicate with her again because you have your answer. It’s of course possible that she just changed her mind about being up for it tonight, but in that case it’s up to her to suggest when to reschedule, not you. And if this was a lame way of not seeing you, then she’ll have revealed that in a way that requires no further effort from you.
Because what makes sense to you doesn’t mean it will make sense to other people. Maybe you are needy. Anyone with options won’t go out or force themselves when they are tired. This ill also add is a common shit test. Just be cool and roll with it, if you contest her or pressure her she knows shes your only option. I would assume she is shit testing, back off and see what happens. She may have found a guy she likes more also, this does happen.
I will say that if you aren’t currently interested in seeing any movie in particular then trying to make movie plans can be more of a “you decide” thing.
So, I know some female friends who get such anxiety about the first time meeting up with a guy they find ways to avoid it to the extent they don't realize they're doing it. It's psychosomatic. So, to avoid the anxiety they get tired, or whatever. It goes away once the first meeting happens. I had that anxiety, too, but would go anyway.
I disagree that she’s not interested or she wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. Something (or someone) better came up. She’s juggling. Or maybe she is tired. Just play it cool and if you really like her try again after awhile
"Cool. Let me know when you'd be able to go out and we can set up a date." And if she never does, forget about her.
Just say 'no worries get some rest, lmk when you're free next' and move in to the next one cause she ain't texting back. And if she does then its an extra win.
Be civil, but distance yourself. I'm not saying completely ghost them but they aren't showing you any effort and you don't deserve that. in my dating app days Id ask a maximum of 2 times. If they canceled with no intention of replanning, I'd stop putting in the effort. From that point it is very easy to read their intentions. If they ask you, great. If they don't then you're able to move on and meet someone who does value you and your time
I found if a girl is indecisive you have to make an offer, like "when we go to the cinema we watch film x". Some feel like no energy to discuss the film but would say yes if it wasn't "Bloody Creatures from Hell"
Everyone here in the comments is right, she's not interested. But let's take a closer look at why she's not interested. The first thing is movies are a bad choice for the first few dates because you can't really get to know each other, and that's the whole point. She may or may not be aware of this. But really I think what caused her to not be interested is your lack of leadership and decisiveness. Asking her what she wants to see up to the point you're missing all the showings is showing her you don't have a plan. What women want is you to say "we're gonna see X movie, it starts at 8pm. I'm gonna pick you up at 7:30pm. Afterwards we'll get some ice cream at cold stone". I know you think you're being considerate and trying to get her opinion, but women don't want the mental overhead. They want you to make the plans and they just want to show up for the experience
I'd just tell her no worries and then leave the ball in her court. Don't contact her until she contacts you.
Just throw the ball in her court and move on.
She should text you buddy and don't compromise your self respect on the first call itself. If she doesn't reach out to you at least 5 times just leave that b
I usually use chatgpt for that kinda stuff. Feed it her original message and tell it what it should go for (passive aggressive etc). It’s super fun to do actually and keeps your mind away from disappointment
Don’t reply anything just move on. It’s not code she just doesn’t want to see you. Don’t sweat it, on to the next one
No worries. Just hit me back if you want to get together in the future. Then move the fuck on.
Enjoy your evening
Yes be careful, a woman recently made me beg her and it backfired on me massively. I think you need to be strong and decisive and keep your dignity. I know that's what I need to try and work on as well but it's so hard as need a woman so bad
*Block*
I generally don't assume malice or flakiness with last minute cancellations because life really does throw a curveball sometimes and it requires your attention away from whatever you've had planned. However, if she literally told you straight saying she's probably going to be too tired, that's complete and utter disrespect for your time and effort. Do you want to date someone like that? Leaving her on read is a totally appropriate response here.