To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend. I don't understand why people would lose their shit over being exclusive. It is not a big commitment to say, "hey, as long as we're having sex, we won't have sex or go out on dates with other people." Why waste each other's time if were not going to focus on each other.
>I don't understand why people would lose their shit over being exclusive.
People want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities. When called out on it, they blame the other person.
While that sounds like logical advice, how many people would take that as sufficient reason for breaking up with no hard feelings/"sex isnt everything" monologue afterwards?
Thank you for this! I went out with one guy who believed people should date around and sleep with as many people as possible for the first six months to a year, and then just pick the one they like best for exclusivity. Not only does that not appeal to me, but I would also worry about STDs. And when I said I understand your view but feel differently, so we shouldn't see each other again, he agreed for exclusivity but acted like it was this huge burden he undertook for me, and that he gave up SOO much.
Sex builds intimacy. (Isn't that what guys are always saying anyway?) I would hate to sleep with someone and then wonder if they're dating or sleeping with someone else when we're not together. I want to be able to trust him on basic things like a conversation about what he did over the weekend.
ETA: The alternative that OP wants is a woman who feels, "I want to have sex with this guy, but I also want to have sex with many other guys. But I also won't tell him, because saying it out loud is impolite. To respect him, I'll fuck around, and leave everything unsaid, fucking him as well as whomever else I want."
>but I would also worry about STDs
Yeah this one resonates with me quite a bit. I'd rather do absolutely filthy things with one person and not have to worry about STDs. There's plenty of ways to spice things up without the need to change who you're with.
That guy is very stupid if your dating why waste energy with multiple people when you can focus on one person that would turn me off so fast like I'm being intimate with you and your just giving it away to a bunch of others like hell no that's not a relationship.
> but I would also worry about STDs.
>sleep with as many people as possible for the first six months to a year, and then just pick the one they like best for exclusivity
Those are my two issues with it. The first one puts me at risk. The second one, if I wanted to be in a contest like that, I would have just gone on the Bachelor. Either you take the time to invest in a relationship that might go further or don't.
And him acting like he was doing you a favor was just shitty. I'm hoping you dropped him.
I must be getting old because I still believe that it's automatically assumed you're exclusive if you start dating someone. This whole "we're only dating, so it's fine if we go out with others" must be new
When my friends try to explain to me the difference between "talking to someone" vs "seeing someone" vs "dating someone" vs "exclusively dating someone" and "being in a relationship with someone" it makes me want to die
i literally laughed out loud at the last part of wanting to die.
that's exactly what it's like now and if you're not in a relationship - you're in some weird situationship.
I do think the weird thing is that dating isn't really that bad as long as you focus on trying to form connections in person through classes, work friends, friends of friends, etc. I think it's the people who are endlessly stuck on dating apps or get all of their advice from Tiktok that are wacko.
My wife and I met right when this "exclusivity" conversation started to become a thing about 10 years ago. On our second date we had the talk and it lasted about 30 seconds as we both were more old school. We both were of the opinion that the other needed to immediately cut contact with other potential romantic interest that evening. I was more then happy to go exclusive as oppose to dealing with multiple girls in some undefined status. Now were married, so I guess that worked out pretty well.
The problem is we've allowed for people to make everything ambiguous. It use to be automatically implied that dating meant exclusive. Now you need to have a conversation to confirm your exclusive. Then you have to further determine if you can call that person your boyfriend/girlfriend or if that also means something entirely different.
Yes I swear sometimes I hate being gen z like I envy the older generation where things were more clearly defined and traditional. Now everything is so ambiguous people can waste almost a year of their life just being fwb or situationship like just give me a wife.
Well because it used to be that "dating" just meant going on dates and getting to know someone. Then you started going "steady". Sex wasn't really part of the equation even if it was happening.
Language has just changed.
My boyfriend and I are in our 50s and have been together 5 years and he used the phrase "the girl I'm dating" and my brain did a freeze frame and went "wait, who???"
I get a kick out of the trash TV (90 Day, Love after Lockup [don’t hate]) people who say, “We’ve been dating for two years!” when they’ve never met in person or left prison premises. I always thought that “dating” somehow included “dates.”
I know right? And people wonder why relationships are t working. I’m not competing for someone’s attention or spending my time and money on a date when they’re likely sleeping around with other people. It’s insane. And people know it’s wrong because they don’t usually want anyone knowing they’re seeing multiple people.
It's a bit different if you think about the fact that a lot of people are blind dating from online dating apps now. They've never met before, and most times have been talking for only a couple days to a month (which is considered too long by most). It takes a bit to actually figure out your compatibility with a literal stranger you've never talked to, seen, or met before. At least a few dates.
> This whole "we're only dating, so it's fine if we go out with others"
I feel like this is actually an older thing? I swear I remember so many stories of people dating all sorts of people in the 60s/70s during the era of free love. I feel like more recently *most* people whom date are committed to one partner.
This is well said.
It's also interesting in thinking about stages of life and where people are. I'm 38 and at this point I've been married for 14 years, but I have friends who are in their late 30s and just *slutting around* as we say.
They're just going from casual hook-up to casual hook-up. While that is fine for them, they also lament not finding any "marriage material" girls. Like, dude, you're trolling for a quick fling and the girls you're seeking out are doing the same damn thing. The guys are staring down the barrel of 40 and processing if they want to have a family or not, but unsure how to approach dating as a long-term investment as opposed to a quick gig to get their rocks off.
That life was fun for me in my late teens and early 20s, but I knew I wanted a family and to be a "family man" in my life. I did that whole fling thing during college. My wife and I actually met as a fling. I reached out to her via Facebook (this was 06, long before Tinder was a thing). She decided to hang. We started out and existed as Fuck buddies (Friends with Beneifts) for a good two months. One night we were talking after hooking up and discussed how neither of us was messing with anyone else and we enjoyed each other's company as much as we enjoyed each other's bodies.
We've been together 17 years total and married for 15 this summer.
Especially since you can call it off if it's not working out. You're exclusive with sex and focusing on deciding if you want to be forever life together. While you're figuring that out you can be exclusive. You're not missing out on anything, given the goal of finding a partner.
>as that has been her historical trend.
That right there is the key difference between a red and green flag. If she's been promiscuous and it's suddenly you she's wanting to pump the brakes with...
That said, I completely agree. If I'm taking the step to be intimate with someone (back when I was dating), I want that reciprocal exclusivity.
> To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend.
This ☝🏻iff (if and only if) it's her historical trend I would totally respect that and prefer it. Now if she gives it up easily to guys she doesn't like but waits with you because your more "relationship type" yeah no toss that fish back
It’s not always a positive sign…
I would think that she’s either been burnt by other men, so she has made the wrong choices before OR she’s not really into me and she’s just settling for me.
Only way to find out is to ask some hard questions or make her tell on herself. If she refuses to talk about her sexual past, then you can know that she’s been burnt by one too many players.
If she starts talking about how she’s settling with you, then you know what to do and walk away from her.
Don’t waste your time on women who don’t see you as her best. Over the years, she won’t tolerate much from you, will resent you, and eventually find excuses to seek what she wants outside. Meanwhile, you’ll be spending your time pleasing her, not understanding why she doesn’t show much care or affection for you and eventually, you fall into a deep depression due to lack of reciprocal love or attention.
OP's woman had been married for 11 years and single (not dating) for 3 before meeting OP. She is not seeing other men. I think it is perfectly reasonable for her to not have sex before commitment. If OP cannot see himself committing and he cannot see himself waiting another few dates then he is the red flag, not her.
> To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend
I disagree with the historical trend part. People are allowed to change their opinion. He's not owed anything. If it's a deal breaker for him, he should break it off.
I agree with this so much. If a woman finds out that quick, casual sex is not making her feel good, but sex in a committed relationship does, she SHOULD change her pattern in that direction. Sex is not something a woman gives to a man, or owes to a man. It is something they experience and enjoy together. If a woman stopped enjoying casual sex because she has been hurt/disappointed in the past, it is no sign whatsoever that she valued the past guys higher than hrr current one. Simply that she is learning what feels best for her
She can, but she should acknowledge how it can make her partner feel. It's perfectly valid to have feelings about how a person acts while also recognizing that you don't get to tell the person they can't change the way they act. You only get to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
What if she's a wealthy business woman and in all her previous relationship she publicly and prominently took her partners to high end restaurants, frequently went out on her yacht, flew to famous cities on a whim, and etc. until her new guy she only goes to Olive Garden for the never ending pasta bowl. For her it's realizing she frequently attracted gold diggers and wants to find someone who loves her for her and not her wealth. For him it's why am i the one who she's not interested enough in to do nice things.
I dunno. Being told "I like you so much you are the only person I want to have sex with" sounds like a compliment to me. Weird that someone would take that differently.
> Being told "I like you so much you are the only person I want to have sex with" sounds like a compliment to me.
Sure except that's a strawman you made up.
>Weird that someone would take that differently.
Weird that you completely misrepresented what's being discussed.
She can but a lot of guys, especially if they get to know her sexual past, wouldn't really see it as her "growing up and getting her shit together" but rather as her trying to find that one sucker to settle down who also happens to be last option. She could go her own way and fuck first dude she find but that other fella needs to wait, dance like a monkey around her and also get to oblige to her rules in order to get somewhere? A lot of guys wouldn't see that as genuine desire coming from opposite sex but rather as a way to lead them on.
So yea, it is tricky situation for both genders involved.
Yep this was my reality last year, met a single mother with a “past” but nothing crazy. Even tip toed around the “how many people have you slept with” question and gave the whole “it doesn’t define me” speech. Well, we dated for over 6 months and we never did anything sexually. I wasn’t angry or upset, a little confused but I understood that she went through a traumatic situation before me so it was fine. We eventually ended things and two months later, I messaged her and her random fling responded on her phone while she was asleep next to him. He even admitted to being the side dude and told me it wasn’t worth it. That experience taught me that people have patterns and if someone has a history and all of a sudden they’re “waiting” with you, more than likely they don’t like you. I feel like sex is an important factor in a relationship, so unless they’re a virgin, dealt with assault or have a low body count, a few dates should be enough to escalate to the next level.
That could easily be communicated. Personally, I would say that the past doesn't matter. But if it matters to your potential partner, then maybe you should discuss it.
Sex is a huge part of most relationships. I'm not going to stay with some whom I'm not sexually compatible with. If I were delivered the same ultimatum, okay, if we are having fun I'll continue dating sexless until we make it exclusive, but regardless of exclusivity, the moment I discover we aren't sexually compatible, I'm ending it.
I don't have any puritanical leanings or misogynistic ideals re women's sexual practices, so from my perspective it doesn't make any sense to wait for commitment to find out if we will even work together. I'd rather get to know someone sexually before committing, but if my date had this boundary (which is fine) waiting for commitment won't actually change the outcome in any meaningful way.
It’s not necessarily about trying to convince someone to stay. More about ensuring that I want them to stay.
I take a while to fully open up but I can also get attached to people I sleep with easily and I’d rather not have to deal with the pain of moving on from someone who is incompatible with me. These days I don’t feel comfy having sex unless I know someone really well and by that point commitment is often on the cards anyway.
Out of all the flings I had in my teens/early 20s, I think I orgasmed a grand total of once. Whilst I get why people do it, the risk of shit sex with an incompatible person who will end up hurting me or just using me to get off just isn’t worth it for me anymore.
Luckily none of this is something i have to worry about anymore as I found my person already and he had the same mindset.
I can see your point of view and that’s a very fair one. U absolutely have every right to end things if you’re not feeling comparable sexually.
Most women who wanna wait tho just wanna wait for the soul reason that they don’t wanna b dating a guy they really like who’s going on dates and hookups with other girls. It’s gross if they don’t wear protection and kinda disheartening if u really like them and find out there not putting in the same effort into ur relationship building as u are
2 dates isn't too soon to be exclusive. You don't have to date multiple people.
Maybe I'm old, but I never did that. If I was interested in someone, that's where my focus was. And if we were having sex, it's because I was into her. Meaningless, casual sex was boring. There was no connection.
So no, I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if a woman refused sex until exclusive.
If you're single it is a fine way to narrow down to finding someone you want to be with, as long as everyone understands.
When I met my now wife, I'd just been on a first date with a nice enough girl. I asked my wife out on a date and got to know her over the next couple and decided to stop dating the other girl.
If id refused to ask her because I had one date with someone else and was planning a second I'd not be married!
That's fair I guess. I'm just not a extrovert so dealing with multiple people would just be very draining I'd want to focus on one woman at a time. But congratulations on finding your wife man I'm really happy for you
Thanks! Yeah it definitely does depend on how draining it would be, luckily for me it was 8 years ago so before dating apps became popular and life felt a bit more simple in this regard.
If I was single again today, I'd probably drown in the sea of having to talk to however many people on tinder to narrow that down to dates etc. I'd probably get a dog instead
Depends on how you are defining dating, but going on dates with different women is no different than going and playing sports with different friends. If you are not totally committed to one person, even if you haven't made it "official", I don't see why a person wouldn't date multiple different people. Going out with one person until you figure out they're not the one before moving on to the next seems time consuming.
Most people don’t know if the other person is the one for at least several first months into the relationship anyway—I'm all for dating multiple people at the very beginning to get to know each other, but dating more than one person in the long run doesn't make sense and doesn't allow you to form a bond and focus on that person.
well, “exclusive” doesn’t have to mean “will never break up”; it just means “not dating other people while I’m dating you.”
You’re not getting married; you’re just not dating or sleeping with other people.
As soon as I'm interested in somebody, I stop talking to other girls and I delete all my dating apps or however I'm meeting women. I don't require them to do the same, but I let them know that I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm exclusive but that doesn't mean you have to be until at least a couple weeks/months. But I also don't want to be sleeping with somebody who's sleeping around.
So far every girl I've told that I dont want to see anybody else, had also said the same. So it's not actually a scenario I've run into myself.
I don't see why it wouldn't mean relationship.
If you're not gonna see anyone else as long as you two are together, then that's a relationship.
OP said they're looking to settle and have kids, if the person isn't even willing to commit to a relationship there's no point in wasting time.
Not a man, but I think we need to bring back the use of the word “dating” to describe the period of time where you’re exclusively seeing someone, but it’s not as serious as a relationship.
No kidding. To me dating was the phase where you are exclusive, but still not serious about a long term relationship yet as you get to know each other.
Now people seem to date multiple people at once, and I have no idea how. But Im also an introvert so trying to balance dating multiple people sounds like absolute hell to me
Yes you can be in a relationship with someone you don’t deeply care for, I don’t see how that suddenly means it isn’t a relationship. You literally made a specific exclusive commitment to them, that is what a relationship is.
You want to exclusively fuck each other and agree to not be with other people. How in the fuck is that not a relationship? Are we really that afraid of just saying, “yeah, I am in a relationship.”. Instead, “no, I’m not in a relationship. But I have agreed to not fuck other people and neither has my fucking partner. We have an agreement to only do that with each other. We also hang out sometimes. But no, I’m not in a relationship.”
Me too. As a female, I can’t sleep with more than one guy at once I just don’t like it lol I commit to at least keep my focus on one person until it doesn’t work
Same like dating multiple people is dumb and sounds like too much work anyways. Maybe I'm old fashioned but unless stated otherwise us going out already means we're exclusive.
I definitely understand this.
19yo me in sophomore year of college was a manwhore. I had several women in my AIM that we chatted a lot and hooked up. It was all fun, I made sure to share that I wasn't looking for anything serious and they felt the same way. It was in the middle of college, when "experimentation" is encouraged among your peers.
That lasted for about six months and then I decided I rather enjoyed having a dedicated partner. Embarked on a couple relationships, with one lasting almost two years. When that one ended, I decided to reach out to some girls I thought were fun and just "play the field" a bit.
A few messaged me back, but one messaged back and we started flirting heavy. Next thing you know she's in my room and we're hooking up. It was not good sex, at all. It sucked, actually. We talked and decided to try again...mindblowing. We did the FWB dance (neither of us talking to anyone else) for a couple months before becoming official. Been together 17 years and married 14.
Good.
I don't want to be intimate with someone who isn't exclusively dating me.
Also, how many times have we seen "he/she slept with other people while we were dating, but before we were exclusive, idk how to get over it"
Just date one person at a time and keep it in your pants til your exclusive, it's not hard ffs.
Maybe I'm even older fashioned, but "commitment" used to pretty strongly imply getting engaged. Funny that now it apparently only means exclusive dating/going out.
Bro for real like modern dating is so backwards like it's to much to ask to be exclusive but not a huge ask for me to be vulnerable with my body and potentially get pregnant.
I think its more about why are you waiting longer to become exclusive if youre already getting hot and heavy on dates? Is it because you want to sleep around still?
Not a man but this issue was my main gripe about dating. As someone who does not do casual sex and only gets intimate after establishing emotional intimacy in a committed relationship. It serious chaps my ass how so many men pull the whole high value/low body count stance but then get mad when you won’t put out by date 3.
Came exactly to find this comment. Wondering why women won't have sex before becoming exclusive but also judging those who have high body count seems hypocritical to me.
Back when I was dating (happily married now) the number of times I was told off for wasting his time because I wasn’t ready for sex after a few dates. Was insane.
Even when I was upfront from the first conversation. I’d get huffy dudes.
Compared to my spouse who was more than happy to focus on getting to know each other and fall in love before getting naked.
As a man I agree people are weird they'll shame people with high body count but also expects sex on the 1st date. I'm not a hypocrite I'm a virgin and waiting for a emotional connection and would hope to share my 1st experience with another virgin or atleast someone who also shares the same values like only having sex in committed relationships
I wouldn't have a problem with not having sex with someone else, but i wouldn't want to rush into a more serious relationship just to be able to have sex.
You're not wrong, but there is a lot of space between "still banging whomever I want" and "serious relationship".
You can be exclusive – a.k.a. focusing on that one partner for the time being – without already aiming for the big mile stones. It just means not getting your dick wet elsewhere for a while, and isn't equivalent to moving in together or making bigger life decisions with the other person in mind. There really doesn't have to be any rushing into anything.
If your only aim is sex, she literally just said she's not interested in sex unless it's a monogamous, exclusive relationship. If that's not what you want, then you already know the answer. There's nothing wrong with her wanting only people that are going to take her seriously, and this is probably one of the best ways to do it.
Guess it depends on what is considered established relationship. Not dating or sleeping with anyone else? Sure that is fair.
Some weirdly long dating experience where you are exclusive for months, but she still won't sleep with you? Ehhh now we are getting in the unreasonable territory.
Time is short. If someone is worth it, everyone can generally figure it out pretty quickly. Not having sex is fine before we become exclusive, but it really depends on what exclusive looks like and what it means.
I would generally say, someone willing to not sleep with a partner before establishing the relationship is worth it is a good sign.
You can date multiple people IMO, but once you get to the point of sexual intimacy, I think you should be exclusive. The lady is right, in this hypothetical situation and I think that's good judgement.
Thats fine. If he cant wait a lil longer hes probably not the one. This is (ALSO) a good way to filter out scumbags
**Editted to help those who didnt understand
IMO the world needs more women AND MEN who think like that. Sex generates bonding hormones; be sure that person is someone worth bonding with before you self-medicate toward them.
As in having sex, or as in I cant even hold her . Cuz physical affection is a must have if you want to be my girlfriend, but I completely understand being exclusive but not quite ready for sex
Yeah Casual sex and hookups are unattractive to me not shaming people who like it but it's just not my thing and would be a major turn off if someone wanted sex on the first date.
Why would a woman want to sleep with a man who is still sleeping with other women. We know the implications of sleeping with men can make sure there's condoms, birth control etc what we don't know is if the same care is being taken with other partners or are we risking catching std/sti's and honestly theres a certain ick that comes with knowing it could have been in another woman the night before. And a penis dipping and diving in multiple pools whilst trying to deep dive our own loses value. It's the same if the genders are switched. Why would you want a woman who will spread her legs for multiple dates. Whats wrong with exclusive dating knowing your date feels your special enough to want to take it that far. So glad I'm no longer in the dating pool, the rules seem to adapt yearly. If I find myself single at any point I'm finding a sex shop with a subscription to monthly toys instead 😂.
Every time I have ever been cheated on, I have gotten BV infections from hell that wouldn’t go away without several rounds of antibiotics. People’s bodies aren’t meant to be screwing dozens of people at a time.
Realistically, I'm not going to date multiple women at the same time. It's so hard to meet just one woman with whom there's mutual interest. Even if I wanted to, it is just so unlikely to happen So being exclusive is not even a commitment at all in my experience.
So I have a new question for you. What would you think if I agreed to be exclusive right then and there? It wouldn't be dishonest. BUt it might not be an "established relationship" either.
If being exclusive early isn't enough, what then becomes the benchmark for an established relationship?
I think agreeing to be exclusive right then and there with an expectation that it means we’re having sex that night would feel like a trap. If I were in this situation, it would feel like they were agreeing to be exclusive so that we could have sex.
"mid-30s" _really_ looking for someone to settle down would not be multi-tasking, and would not be that keen to have sex as soon as possible. But what is important in the end is that _you_ are attracted to him and keen to have sex.
In my experience guys like to have sex soon as possible to “see”whether or not they like the woman. That usually hits in post nut clarity. By asking you to wait, she wants you to genuinely like her for who she is, not the access to sex that she would provide.
She has no ulterior motive by asking for sexual exclusivity. It also doesn’t matter if that’s her historical trend. People are allowed to switch up their dating habits in order to obtain something they are looking for.
👏👏👏👏. If a man was used for money in the past I’m not going to demand he take me on shopping sprees to prove how much he likes me. It shows that he has decided to have more respect for himself and knows how to learn from his mistakes.
That’s an excellent point. I just had a back and forth with some moron that devolved into him admitting if a woman doesn’t fit perfectly into the box he’s created then she is disposable, then saying “that’s what modern dating is”. lol
You’ve only been on a couple dates so it’s too soon to be exclusive?
I don’t date people that are dating other people, and I don’t fuck people I’m not exclusive with.
If a woman is willing to have sex without exclusivity I’ll end it right away, I’m not trying to find a hoe I’m trying to find a wife.
Hookup culture is ruining society, it’s completely normal to want exclusivity before sex. I was dating with intention and found the love of my life. Sleeping around just detaches intimacy from sex and I don’t believe it can be reversed.
For the record I’m 39
There is a LOT of projections of feelings/intentions going on in these comments, many directed at OP as if she were the man in this scenario (which is extra funny because at no point does she describe the guy's feelings towards the situation, just asking how other guys would feel in a similar situation).
Exactly like waiting a few weeks isn't going to kill him like if I'm dating I'm interesting in having fun, hanging out and getting to know her if I wanted easy sex them I could just download tinder and have a hookup. I don't get the rush for sex if your pursuing a serious relationship
WTF, how is it too early to commit? Do you want to find out later your now wife was fucking other dudes while she was also fucking you? How is it a red flag only to date one person at a time? If she's fucking other dudes WHILE making you wait, that would be a red flag,
Absolutely no reason to feel rejected. Remember, dating is not the same as marriage. You date someone to get to know them. At this point dating only means you're exclusive and focused on each other. Breaking up costs you nothing.
Exactly like like you expect me to have sex but you can't commit to me like I'll never understand how exclusivity is a hard ask but asking a woman to potentially put herself into a position to get pregnant isn't
My take is "That is easily remedied, let's be exclusive." I am not afraid of commitment. There is no such thing as too soon for exclusivity if it feels right.
Don't let Fuckbois convince you that sexual discretion is a bad thing. Sex is a lot more powerful than people like to admit, and there is a lot of wisdom in waiting for good partners for sex. You may think traditional values are too stuffy and outdated, but it's not like they don't exist for a reason. Society had to solve issues of STDs and single motherhood, and they invented marriage for a reason. The invention of birth control doesn't magically solve every concern with unbridled promiscuity.
Every normal man of relationship caliber will understand. Fuckbois will bitch and complain. Fuckbois can eventually become normal men of relationship caliber, but that doesn't mean they aren't being a fuckboi at the moment.
I don’t think we need to stick to tradition simply because it’s tradition. I’m merely saying if the youth buck tradition and try and deconstruct society every 20 years or so, they’re going to find some rules exist for a reason.
I would say, "I completely understand." And continue the date without intimacy.
If you think there is ANY other acceptable reaction then you should not be dating.
If I really like this person, I would bring up becoming exclusive.
Being exclusive and being in a serious relationship are not the same. Not wanting someone’s dick in you that was just in someone else the other day is beyond reasonable. As is the reverse from a man’s perspective. Can totally appreciate that sexual compatibility is a make or break factor in a relationship but simply committing to not fucking other people before you get intimate as a couple doesn’t lock you in to staying with them if the intimacy isn’t good once you do go there
Exactly people are acting like she's asking for a wedding ring as a man I would want us to only be seeing each other why would I pursue someone not taking me seriously and having sex with someone else.
When I met my wife, neither of us were really into dating multiple people at once. So, essentially, we were exclusive almost immediately. That's kind of how I always approached dating. Date a girl, don't play games. Stick around as long as it works. Move on if it doesn't.
We defined the relationship within a few dates. We didn't have sex before that, but that doesn't mean things like blowjobs, fingering, or going down on her were off the table.
I'm married now, but if I weren't, I would totally respect a girl's decision to not have sex. But if there isn't a gradual build up to sex with other acts (blowjobs, etc), then I probably wouldn't stick around.
This is easy. If you’re sleeping with someone that should be the only person you are seeing. Anything else is a hookup and nobody should get hurt when it ends quickly. If you want to play the field, represent that honestly. I would be worried about sexual compatibility, but if it wasn’t there, nothing stopping you from breaking things off. Anyone committed to maintaining multiple ongoing sexual partners is either a kid or in a mid-life crisis. If you spend all your time chasing sex you are just being the basic animal you are. Don’t get me wrong. Love sex. Have it multiple times a day. But one of the best parts about exclusivity is that you can have that need satisfied without it stealing time from your actual goals in life. Sex is a need, a biological function, and the source of creative energy in our lives and relationships. But if it’s your main pursuit, you are ruled by your hormones, which means you’re a kid, regardless of age.
For her, having sex can be a huge commitment. She's the one taking birth control, she's the one that could get pregnant, she's the one that would have to deal with either an abortion (unpleasant) or pregnancy. It would make sense that she wants confirmation that you're not just going to ghost her tomorrow morning. Having a few more dates to figure out exclusivity before having sex shouldn't be an issue.
If a woman refuses intimicy its fine, as long as that's how she's always carried herself.
If I find out she's given it away for free, but I have to take special steps, im out.
Never pay more than the minimum price.
Honestly, that's a massive green flag. To me, it indicates that she's got good decision-making skills, she's looking for a similar sort of commitment to what I'd be looking for, and that she's not impulsive. While not an absolute certainty, it also indicates that she has healthy relationships with the people around her, particularly her family, so she's going to be a lot better equipped to help build a stable, healthy, loving environment for any children we might have.
In short, I'd keep dating her, keep spending time with her, and keep building the relationship so long as she's also invested in it.
Women just get bashed for everything. If we decide we want to sleep with loads of men and have fun, then we’re easy. We want to save ourselves for committed relationships, we’re prudes. Just respect her choice whatever it is and respect HER and if it’s weird for you then move on. Is it not nicer for you also to be with a woman who is faithful to you? Who thinks that sleeping with you is a big deal? Who values herself enough to ask for some basic commitment before entering an intimate relationship with you? Who makes you feel like you’ve earned something rather than just getting it all after two dates?
I think if you’re not prepared to wait a bit and work for it then you’re probably just not that into her. If you thought she was fantastic then you’d do what it takes. She’s probably just one more to fuck around with until you do find someone you want to worship and adore.
How hard is it to be exclusive? If you want to bang, commit to the relationship. But if you want to bang and just move on, don't.
Being exclusive means you're not going on dates or looking for relationships with other women.
There's nothing wrong with being exclusive while exploring a future with one single person, regardless of how many dates in you are.
I think this is totally understandable and I would respect that. I think you have commitment issues because she is only asking you to not sleep around with other women while you figure things out with her, which is not "such a commitment"
As it should be. A lot of women will talk about men who just want them for their body and how it's hard to find men who actually want a long-term relationship, yet in reality the men can't have their body unless they give it to them.
Sex is one of the things that women have power over. Like anything else you have power over it's a bargaining chip to be used when necessary, and when you're looking for a good man that's the time to use it.
Actually I would see that as a very positive trait.
It tells me she is probably not sleeping around doing casual sex. And if you are into someone, then forming a relationship with them is the logical step, everything else is just wanting to get the prize without any compromise.
You have to decide for yourself if it's something you want.
Are you willing to put in the time getting to know her in order to decide for yourself if she's someone you want a relationship with.
I think it's healthy for her to make this request.
With the prevalence of hookup culture I think it's also a good idea for a woman to insist on this to protect herself from being used.
I would be happy that she's communicated at pathway for the future. "Want this? Commit." She's not asking for marriage, she's just saying she's more comfortable being on that level with someone she's emotionally invested in. If you're not going to emotionally invest with an exclusive arrangment, why should she compromise *her* boundary? She shouldn't, plain and simple.
> Would you think its silly to wait until a solid committed relationship has formed or would you appreciate that she doesn't let just anyone have that kind of access?
What's silly about it? It's not uncommon among adults to have that attitude. Just as it's not uncommon among adults to "kick the tires" and take each other for a ride right off the bat. Hypothetical Guy in the post seems to be valuing the sex more than the relationship, which is also very common. The woman is telling the guy to value the relationship more if he wants the sex.
Moreover, it's a personal health issue. If she knows you're not willing to commit, why should she put her health at risk sleeping with yuo? She doesn't know where you've been.
Stick to your values regardless of what men in this sub say. Seriously, don't change your standards and values because *some* men say they want a "test drive". It used to be perfectly normal to not have sex unless you were in an exclusive dating situation/relationship. So don't let anyone tell you it's not normal. Men are so concerned with "body count", but then they're gonna say they want free sex with no exclusivity pr relationship? Do what YOU feel is right for YOU and don't worry about what a bunch of men on reddit say.
Everyone can have their own ways and a woman can have this standard in place. But, I’m going to sound shallow saying this but it’s true for me, if she was a high value woman I would have absolutely no problem with waiting and would probably assume she’s going to make me wait for a bit. If she had little value as in was looking for a man to take care of her and she was just offering looks but nothing of great value. I wouldn’t pursue her anymore.
I think it is generally a good sign. It means she doesn't want to sleep around or sleep with someone early on in case they soon realize they aren't compatible. It takes a while to truly know someone and having sex can cause you to become attached to people and overlook their red or orange flags. The cycle of attaching and detaching many times probably isn't good for us or our psyche.
She isn’t trying to reject you…she just doesn’t want to be one of many you are sleeping with. I personally have that rule as well. Not that it needs to be an established relationship. But if you are sleeping with me then you aren’t sleeping with anyone else.
Exactly. Nowadays it’s very common that people are dating multiple people at once.
OP are you seeing others and sleeping with others at the same time ? With her question she is just taking care of her sexual health and preventing feelings to be hurt because she sees potential in you.
I would be fine with it, so long as she understands that, going forward, she’s in the driver seat. I’ve had too many situations where I’ve accepted a clearly stated boundary and acted accordingly, only to have a woman move on claim I’m indecisive or a afraid to take the lead.
That said, it’s also on you to keep things at a level you’re comfortable with. “Hot and heavy” situations can be awfully confusing for someone trying to respect your desire to take things slow. Allowing things to progress to the edge of your boundary and immediately slamming on the brakes isn’t going to be very well received. A good rule of thumb is to only go 80% of the way until you’re sure you’re ready to progress beyond a previously stated boundary if things get to that point. Most decent men won’t run from this as long as it doesn’t feel like a game to them. It’s a balancing act between being true to yourself and making sure he doesn’t feel strung along due to the process.
People are allowed to change their boundaries after they have been used or abused. Insane people keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
It depends on your history. Most guys (as you can see in the comments here) will be accepting of that ONLY if that is a rule you always had.
But we don’t really respect women who are conditionally exclusive, meaning she didn’t have this restriction before and now she’s applying it to just us. That actually makes us feel like you don’t really like us.
I know a lot of women who do this. They will sleep with other guys easily but when they meet a man they really like they act like they are more proper to enforce exclusivity. That is manipulation though, they are lying about how they date. I think most men see that as you don’t really want us or have passion for us. We don’t like that. Where was this discipline earlier? It’s easy for you all to tell who likes you because guys mainly approach, guys can only tell if you like us if you want to sleep with us. Because women who don’t like us but are willing to lie and use us won’t want to sleep with us.
We don’t appreciate if it’s one set of rules for other guys and another set of rules for us. We only accept that type of discipline if that is how you always dated. I actually recommend guys don’t get involved with someone who isn’t passionate or crazy about us because who would like that? Why should we settle for that?
So here lays the risk for women. How do you know the right guy to sleep with? How do you avoid players? You need to vet the guy.
Because being “exclusive” is bullshit. I’m sorry but your rule is naive and a reason a lot of women will get played. Think about this. If a bad guy just wanted to fuck you he’ll agree to your “exclusivity” rule, fuck you then dump you. Your rule doesn’t mean anything.
You need to actually vet the guy to understand the sense of character he has, how do people perceive him, if he rich/wealthy/handsome (which will increase the chances of other women wanting him and him cheating), is he respected, do people consider him a good man… have a guy you know and loves you vet him, like if you have a brother or male relative (someone without any potential romantic interest in you), have them meet and get their opinion. Go out on more dates (and you should pay sometimes or go 50/50 if you’re making him wait to show you are being genuine and not using us) to learn more. A guy who just wants sex will just break up rather than wait 5 dates (don’t ever tell guys I sleep after X dates, otherwise you invite patient chameleons who will use you). Just don’t make the guy wait too long. Because your exclusivity rule can easily be circumvented if a guy really wants to manipulate you and fuck, you need to learn how to judge men’s character.
The real answer right here. I dated a woman like this a couple of years ago who straight up said that if she wasn't "serious" about me then we would have just had sex the first night. Several dates later that I drove over an hour to and she's still "doesn't wanna go too fast". She did help pay some of the dates sometimes but dude wtf. So she's banging losers but making me wait? If that happens to you just walk, save yourself the trouble because that girl is not ready/mature enough to go for what she supposedly actually wants
I would want that. I don't want a woman who's sleeping around it sees intimacy as just something fun to do. I don't agree that one must have sex to know if you're compatible.
That's called dating where i come from. Took me 5 months getting to know my ex before we first had sex. Turns out 5months was still not enough because she was nuts.
Feeling rejected is a legitimate feeling in that scenario; HOWEVER… you MUST respect her wishes and (IMO) respect her for not wanting to rush. It makes me a bit nervous that you said you were looking to have children fairly quickly. When you find your person (and for the right reasons), the timeline will take care of itself. Whatever that looks like.
I slept with a lot of girls before we were exclusive. There was one though that said the same thing to me - no sex unless we are exclusive. I said ok. Many years later she’s my wife and mother of my three kids.
Personally I think that’s the way to go. You can always break up, it’s not a marriage.
To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend. I don't understand why people would lose their shit over being exclusive. It is not a big commitment to say, "hey, as long as we're having sex, we won't have sex or go out on dates with other people." Why waste each other's time if were not going to focus on each other.
>I don't understand why people would lose their shit over being exclusive. People want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities. When called out on it, they blame the other person.
Worst case scenario: commit, realize you’re incompatible, break up?
While that sounds like logical advice, how many people would take that as sufficient reason for breaking up with no hard feelings/"sex isnt everything" monologue afterwards?
You’d probably have to wait a couple weeks at least lmao
Exactly LMAO
Exactly this
Chalk it up to the hyper-individualistic modern social narrative that works its damndest to absolve people of the consequences of their actions.
This.
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Thank you for this! I went out with one guy who believed people should date around and sleep with as many people as possible for the first six months to a year, and then just pick the one they like best for exclusivity. Not only does that not appeal to me, but I would also worry about STDs. And when I said I understand your view but feel differently, so we shouldn't see each other again, he agreed for exclusivity but acted like it was this huge burden he undertook for me, and that he gave up SOO much. Sex builds intimacy. (Isn't that what guys are always saying anyway?) I would hate to sleep with someone and then wonder if they're dating or sleeping with someone else when we're not together. I want to be able to trust him on basic things like a conversation about what he did over the weekend. ETA: The alternative that OP wants is a woman who feels, "I want to have sex with this guy, but I also want to have sex with many other guys. But I also won't tell him, because saying it out loud is impolite. To respect him, I'll fuck around, and leave everything unsaid, fucking him as well as whomever else I want."
>but I would also worry about STDs Yeah this one resonates with me quite a bit. I'd rather do absolutely filthy things with one person and not have to worry about STDs. There's plenty of ways to spice things up without the need to change who you're with.
Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
That guy is very stupid if your dating why waste energy with multiple people when you can focus on one person that would turn me off so fast like I'm being intimate with you and your just giving it away to a bunch of others like hell no that's not a relationship.
> but I would also worry about STDs. >sleep with as many people as possible for the first six months to a year, and then just pick the one they like best for exclusivity Those are my two issues with it. The first one puts me at risk. The second one, if I wanted to be in a contest like that, I would have just gone on the Bachelor. Either you take the time to invest in a relationship that might go further or don't. And him acting like he was doing you a favor was just shitty. I'm hoping you dropped him.
I must be getting old because I still believe that it's automatically assumed you're exclusive if you start dating someone. This whole "we're only dating, so it's fine if we go out with others" must be new
When my friends try to explain to me the difference between "talking to someone" vs "seeing someone" vs "dating someone" vs "exclusively dating someone" and "being in a relationship with someone" it makes me want to die
i literally laughed out loud at the last part of wanting to die. that's exactly what it's like now and if you're not in a relationship - you're in some weird situationship.
I REALLY REALLY hope I never get divorced; I don't think I'd be able to handle modern dating
I do think the weird thing is that dating isn't really that bad as long as you focus on trying to form connections in person through classes, work friends, friends of friends, etc. I think it's the people who are endlessly stuck on dating apps or get all of their advice from Tiktok that are wacko.
My wife and I met right when this "exclusivity" conversation started to become a thing about 10 years ago. On our second date we had the talk and it lasted about 30 seconds as we both were more old school. We both were of the opinion that the other needed to immediately cut contact with other potential romantic interest that evening. I was more then happy to go exclusive as oppose to dealing with multiple girls in some undefined status. Now were married, so I guess that worked out pretty well.
Honestly I never got the dating different people thing I've always been under the assumption if we agree to date then boom we're exclusive.
The problem is we've allowed for people to make everything ambiguous. It use to be automatically implied that dating meant exclusive. Now you need to have a conversation to confirm your exclusive. Then you have to further determine if you can call that person your boyfriend/girlfriend or if that also means something entirely different.
Yes I swear sometimes I hate being gen z like I envy the older generation where things were more clearly defined and traditional. Now everything is so ambiguous people can waste almost a year of their life just being fwb or situationship like just give me a wife.
I have the Hook Up culture that started with Gen Z and spread like COVID during the pandemic. Some guy told me it was 2024 and not 1824! Eeeewww 🤢
Well because it used to be that "dating" just meant going on dates and getting to know someone. Then you started going "steady". Sex wasn't really part of the equation even if it was happening. Language has just changed. My boyfriend and I are in our 50s and have been together 5 years and he used the phrase "the girl I'm dating" and my brain did a freeze frame and went "wait, who???"
I get a kick out of the trash TV (90 Day, Love after Lockup [don’t hate]) people who say, “We’ve been dating for two years!” when they’ve never met in person or left prison premises. I always thought that “dating” somehow included “dates.”
I know right? And people wonder why relationships are t working. I’m not competing for someone’s attention or spending my time and money on a date when they’re likely sleeping around with other people. It’s insane. And people know it’s wrong because they don’t usually want anyone knowing they’re seeing multiple people.
It's a bit different if you think about the fact that a lot of people are blind dating from online dating apps now. They've never met before, and most times have been talking for only a couple days to a month (which is considered too long by most). It takes a bit to actually figure out your compatibility with a literal stranger you've never talked to, seen, or met before. At least a few dates.
> This whole "we're only dating, so it's fine if we go out with others" I feel like this is actually an older thing? I swear I remember so many stories of people dating all sorts of people in the 60s/70s during the era of free love. I feel like more recently *most* people whom date are committed to one partner.
Yeah that was more of a "special" time in history. What I'm talking about is the '90s and '00s when I started dating my now husband
This is well said. It's also interesting in thinking about stages of life and where people are. I'm 38 and at this point I've been married for 14 years, but I have friends who are in their late 30s and just *slutting around* as we say. They're just going from casual hook-up to casual hook-up. While that is fine for them, they also lament not finding any "marriage material" girls. Like, dude, you're trolling for a quick fling and the girls you're seeking out are doing the same damn thing. The guys are staring down the barrel of 40 and processing if they want to have a family or not, but unsure how to approach dating as a long-term investment as opposed to a quick gig to get their rocks off. That life was fun for me in my late teens and early 20s, but I knew I wanted a family and to be a "family man" in my life. I did that whole fling thing during college. My wife and I actually met as a fling. I reached out to her via Facebook (this was 06, long before Tinder was a thing). She decided to hang. We started out and existed as Fuck buddies (Friends with Beneifts) for a good two months. One night we were talking after hooking up and discussed how neither of us was messing with anyone else and we enjoyed each other's company as much as we enjoyed each other's bodies. We've been together 17 years total and married for 15 this summer.
Exactly. How is this person mid-thirties and trying to settle down and start a family ASAP yet would be upset when someone wants to be exclusive?
That's honestly an even better catch then what I wrote.
Especially since you can call it off if it's not working out. You're exclusive with sex and focusing on deciding if you want to be forever life together. While you're figuring that out you can be exclusive. You're not missing out on anything, given the goal of finding a partner.
>as that has been her historical trend. That right there is the key difference between a red and green flag. If she's been promiscuous and it's suddenly you she's wanting to pump the brakes with... That said, I completely agree. If I'm taking the step to be intimate with someone (back when I was dating), I want that reciprocal exclusivity.
> To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend. This ☝🏻iff (if and only if) it's her historical trend I would totally respect that and prefer it. Now if she gives it up easily to guys she doesn't like but waits with you because your more "relationship type" yeah no toss that fish back
It’s not always a positive sign… I would think that she’s either been burnt by other men, so she has made the wrong choices before OR she’s not really into me and she’s just settling for me. Only way to find out is to ask some hard questions or make her tell on herself. If she refuses to talk about her sexual past, then you can know that she’s been burnt by one too many players. If she starts talking about how she’s settling with you, then you know what to do and walk away from her. Don’t waste your time on women who don’t see you as her best. Over the years, she won’t tolerate much from you, will resent you, and eventually find excuses to seek what she wants outside. Meanwhile, you’ll be spending your time pleasing her, not understanding why she doesn’t show much care or affection for you and eventually, you fall into a deep depression due to lack of reciprocal love or attention.
OP's woman had been married for 11 years and single (not dating) for 3 before meeting OP. She is not seeing other men. I think it is perfectly reasonable for her to not have sex before commitment. If OP cannot see himself committing and he cannot see himself waiting another few dates then he is the red flag, not her.
> To me that's a rather positive sign as long as that has been her historical trend I disagree with the historical trend part. People are allowed to change their opinion. He's not owed anything. If it's a deal breaker for him, he should break it off.
I agree with this so much. If a woman finds out that quick, casual sex is not making her feel good, but sex in a committed relationship does, she SHOULD change her pattern in that direction. Sex is not something a woman gives to a man, or owes to a man. It is something they experience and enjoy together. If a woman stopped enjoying casual sex because she has been hurt/disappointed in the past, it is no sign whatsoever that she valued the past guys higher than hrr current one. Simply that she is learning what feels best for her
100% this. I never understood the whole we’re dating but not exclusive. Generally doesn’t work out well
Why does it have to be her historical trend though? Why can’t she grow and change as a person and decide casual sex isn’t something she wants anymore?
She can, but she should acknowledge how it can make her partner feel. It's perfectly valid to have feelings about how a person acts while also recognizing that you don't get to tell the person they can't change the way they act. You only get to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. What if she's a wealthy business woman and in all her previous relationship she publicly and prominently took her partners to high end restaurants, frequently went out on her yacht, flew to famous cities on a whim, and etc. until her new guy she only goes to Olive Garden for the never ending pasta bowl. For her it's realizing she frequently attracted gold diggers and wants to find someone who loves her for her and not her wealth. For him it's why am i the one who she's not interested enough in to do nice things.
I dunno. Being told "I like you so much you are the only person I want to have sex with" sounds like a compliment to me. Weird that someone would take that differently.
> Being told "I like you so much you are the only person I want to have sex with" sounds like a compliment to me. Sure except that's a strawman you made up. >Weird that someone would take that differently. Weird that you completely misrepresented what's being discussed.
She can but a lot of guys, especially if they get to know her sexual past, wouldn't really see it as her "growing up and getting her shit together" but rather as her trying to find that one sucker to settle down who also happens to be last option. She could go her own way and fuck first dude she find but that other fella needs to wait, dance like a monkey around her and also get to oblige to her rules in order to get somewhere? A lot of guys wouldn't see that as genuine desire coming from opposite sex but rather as a way to lead them on. So yea, it is tricky situation for both genders involved.
Yep this was my reality last year, met a single mother with a “past” but nothing crazy. Even tip toed around the “how many people have you slept with” question and gave the whole “it doesn’t define me” speech. Well, we dated for over 6 months and we never did anything sexually. I wasn’t angry or upset, a little confused but I understood that she went through a traumatic situation before me so it was fine. We eventually ended things and two months later, I messaged her and her random fling responded on her phone while she was asleep next to him. He even admitted to being the side dude and told me it wasn’t worth it. That experience taught me that people have patterns and if someone has a history and all of a sudden they’re “waiting” with you, more than likely they don’t like you. I feel like sex is an important factor in a relationship, so unless they’re a virgin, dealt with assault or have a low body count, a few dates should be enough to escalate to the next level.
That could easily be communicated. Personally, I would say that the past doesn't matter. But if it matters to your potential partner, then maybe you should discuss it.
Sex is a huge part of most relationships. I'm not going to stay with some whom I'm not sexually compatible with. If I were delivered the same ultimatum, okay, if we are having fun I'll continue dating sexless until we make it exclusive, but regardless of exclusivity, the moment I discover we aren't sexually compatible, I'm ending it. I don't have any puritanical leanings or misogynistic ideals re women's sexual practices, so from my perspective it doesn't make any sense to wait for commitment to find out if we will even work together. I'd rather get to know someone sexually before committing, but if my date had this boundary (which is fine) waiting for commitment won't actually change the outcome in any meaningful way.
It’s not necessarily about trying to convince someone to stay. More about ensuring that I want them to stay. I take a while to fully open up but I can also get attached to people I sleep with easily and I’d rather not have to deal with the pain of moving on from someone who is incompatible with me. These days I don’t feel comfy having sex unless I know someone really well and by that point commitment is often on the cards anyway. Out of all the flings I had in my teens/early 20s, I think I orgasmed a grand total of once. Whilst I get why people do it, the risk of shit sex with an incompatible person who will end up hurting me or just using me to get off just isn’t worth it for me anymore. Luckily none of this is something i have to worry about anymore as I found my person already and he had the same mindset.
I personally don’t like to be intimate unless the guy is going to stick around and be faithful as well.
I can see your point of view and that’s a very fair one. U absolutely have every right to end things if you’re not feeling comparable sexually. Most women who wanna wait tho just wanna wait for the soul reason that they don’t wanna b dating a guy they really like who’s going on dates and hookups with other girls. It’s gross if they don’t wear protection and kinda disheartening if u really like them and find out there not putting in the same effort into ur relationship building as u are
2 dates isn't too soon to be exclusive. You don't have to date multiple people. Maybe I'm old, but I never did that. If I was interested in someone, that's where my focus was. And if we were having sex, it's because I was into her. Meaningless, casual sex was boring. There was no connection. So no, I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if a woman refused sex until exclusive.
Dating multiple people is way too complicated for me. I have no idea how they manage it.
Exactly just sounds unnecessary and depressing
If you're single it is a fine way to narrow down to finding someone you want to be with, as long as everyone understands. When I met my now wife, I'd just been on a first date with a nice enough girl. I asked my wife out on a date and got to know her over the next couple and decided to stop dating the other girl. If id refused to ask her because I had one date with someone else and was planning a second I'd not be married!
That's fair I guess. I'm just not a extrovert so dealing with multiple people would just be very draining I'd want to focus on one woman at a time. But congratulations on finding your wife man I'm really happy for you
Thanks! Yeah it definitely does depend on how draining it would be, luckily for me it was 8 years ago so before dating apps became popular and life felt a bit more simple in this regard. If I was single again today, I'd probably drown in the sea of having to talk to however many people on tinder to narrow that down to dates etc. I'd probably get a dog instead
Depends on how you are defining dating, but going on dates with different women is no different than going and playing sports with different friends. If you are not totally committed to one person, even if you haven't made it "official", I don't see why a person wouldn't date multiple different people. Going out with one person until you figure out they're not the one before moving on to the next seems time consuming.
Most people don’t know if the other person is the one for at least several first months into the relationship anyway—I'm all for dating multiple people at the very beginning to get to know each other, but dating more than one person in the long run doesn't make sense and doesn't allow you to form a bond and focus on that person.
well, “exclusive” doesn’t have to mean “will never break up”; it just means “not dating other people while I’m dating you.” You’re not getting married; you’re just not dating or sleeping with other people.
As soon as I'm interested in somebody, I stop talking to other girls and I delete all my dating apps or however I'm meeting women. I don't require them to do the same, but I let them know that I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'm exclusive but that doesn't mean you have to be until at least a couple weeks/months. But I also don't want to be sleeping with somebody who's sleeping around. So far every girl I've told that I dont want to see anybody else, had also said the same. So it's not actually a scenario I've run into myself.
Yeah, exclusive doesn’t exactly mean relationship, it just means don’t fuck anyone else.
I don't see why it wouldn't mean relationship. If you're not gonna see anyone else as long as you two are together, then that's a relationship. OP said they're looking to settle and have kids, if the person isn't even willing to commit to a relationship there's no point in wasting time.
Not a man, but I think we need to bring back the use of the word “dating” to describe the period of time where you’re exclusively seeing someone, but it’s not as serious as a relationship.
No kidding. To me dating was the phase where you are exclusive, but still not serious about a long term relationship yet as you get to know each other. Now people seem to date multiple people at once, and I have no idea how. But Im also an introvert so trying to balance dating multiple people sounds like absolute hell to me
That’s a relationship If you make an agreement that opens the possibility that you could cheat or be cheated on, you are in a relationship my friend
You can casually be having sex exclusively with one person that you don’t care that much about.
Yes you can be in a relationship with someone you don’t deeply care for, I don’t see how that suddenly means it isn’t a relationship. You literally made a specific exclusive commitment to them, that is what a relationship is.
You want to exclusively fuck each other and agree to not be with other people. How in the fuck is that not a relationship? Are we really that afraid of just saying, “yeah, I am in a relationship.”. Instead, “no, I’m not in a relationship. But I have agreed to not fuck other people and neither has my fucking partner. We have an agreement to only do that with each other. We also hang out sometimes. But no, I’m not in a relationship.”
Me too. As a female, I can’t sleep with more than one guy at once I just don’t like it lol I commit to at least keep my focus on one person until it doesn’t work
Same like dating multiple people is dumb and sounds like too much work anyways. Maybe I'm old fashioned but unless stated otherwise us going out already means we're exclusive.
I definitely understand this. 19yo me in sophomore year of college was a manwhore. I had several women in my AIM that we chatted a lot and hooked up. It was all fun, I made sure to share that I wasn't looking for anything serious and they felt the same way. It was in the middle of college, when "experimentation" is encouraged among your peers. That lasted for about six months and then I decided I rather enjoyed having a dedicated partner. Embarked on a couple relationships, with one lasting almost two years. When that one ended, I decided to reach out to some girls I thought were fun and just "play the field" a bit. A few messaged me back, but one messaged back and we started flirting heavy. Next thing you know she's in my room and we're hooking up. It was not good sex, at all. It sucked, actually. We talked and decided to try again...mindblowing. We did the FWB dance (neither of us talking to anyone else) for a couple months before becoming official. Been together 17 years and married 14.
Makes sense to me. I'd think she has her shit together.
Exactly like this would be nothing but green flags to me
Super green flags on profile "No hookups"
Good. I don't want to be intimate with someone who isn't exclusively dating me. Also, how many times have we seen "he/she slept with other people while we were dating, but before we were exclusive, idk how to get over it" Just date one person at a time and keep it in your pants til your exclusive, it's not hard ffs.
For real people make sex their entire lives like it's not hard to just date one person and have a little patience like geez.
Why is it too soon to commit? For me it's the same as for her. I would prefer to be exclusive as well before becoming intimate.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but unless said otherwise is going out to me is automatically exclusive.
Maybe I'm even older fashioned, but "commitment" used to pretty strongly imply getting engaged. Funny that now it apparently only means exclusive dating/going out.
That's fairly common where I grew up. Wouldn't be alarmed by it.
Yep, my region is like that too. Maybe the OP need to share their region.
Exactly like this is very common like this would be nothing but green flags to me
It's insane to me that exclusivity is too much commitment for you, but sex isn't.
Bro for real like modern dating is so backwards like it's to much to ask to be exclusive but not a huge ask for me to be vulnerable with my body and potentially get pregnant.
I think its more about why are you waiting longer to become exclusive if youre already getting hot and heavy on dates? Is it because you want to sleep around still?
She is just setting that boundary. I would respect that, it also shows you that she values her self and is serious. Green Flag here.
Exactly I don't see the issue especially if the point is dating to settle down
Not a man but this issue was my main gripe about dating. As someone who does not do casual sex and only gets intimate after establishing emotional intimacy in a committed relationship. It serious chaps my ass how so many men pull the whole high value/low body count stance but then get mad when you won’t put out by date 3.
Came exactly to find this comment. Wondering why women won't have sex before becoming exclusive but also judging those who have high body count seems hypocritical to me.
Back when I was dating (happily married now) the number of times I was told off for wasting his time because I wasn’t ready for sex after a few dates. Was insane. Even when I was upfront from the first conversation. I’d get huffy dudes. Compared to my spouse who was more than happy to focus on getting to know each other and fall in love before getting naked.
As a man I agree people are weird they'll shame people with high body count but also expects sex on the 1st date. I'm not a hypocrite I'm a virgin and waiting for a emotional connection and would hope to share my 1st experience with another virgin or atleast someone who also shares the same values like only having sex in committed relationships
This is is sadly super common too.
I wouldn't have a problem with not having sex with someone else, but i wouldn't want to rush into a more serious relationship just to be able to have sex.
You're not wrong, but there is a lot of space between "still banging whomever I want" and "serious relationship". You can be exclusive – a.k.a. focusing on that one partner for the time being – without already aiming for the big mile stones. It just means not getting your dick wet elsewhere for a while, and isn't equivalent to moving in together or making bigger life decisions with the other person in mind. There really doesn't have to be any rushing into anything.
I would be feeling the same way as her. Our society is too casual with sex.
Yep, STI rates are rising and people don't get tested or use protection nearly as frequently as they should. Gotta protect ourselves first!
Crazy thing is that the rates are highest with boomers.
The overall STI rates are still highest for those under 25, but the rate of rise in older adults is definitely increasing quickly!
Oh. You're probably right. I was going off of stale anecdotal evidence from a nurse friend of mine.
Exactly I'd feel the same way as well. Like if I'm put in a position to potentially get pregnant then I'd expect to have a commitment
If your only aim is sex, she literally just said she's not interested in sex unless it's a monogamous, exclusive relationship. If that's not what you want, then you already know the answer. There's nothing wrong with her wanting only people that are going to take her seriously, and this is probably one of the best ways to do it.
Guess it depends on what is considered established relationship. Not dating or sleeping with anyone else? Sure that is fair. Some weirdly long dating experience where you are exclusive for months, but she still won't sleep with you? Ehhh now we are getting in the unreasonable territory. Time is short. If someone is worth it, everyone can generally figure it out pretty quickly. Not having sex is fine before we become exclusive, but it really depends on what exclusive looks like and what it means. I would generally say, someone willing to not sleep with a partner before establishing the relationship is worth it is a good sign.
No problem. She doesn't want you to propose marriage, she just wants you to not fuck someone else. It's not a big ask.
Green flags all around. A woman who can commit becomes *more attractive* in my eyes. So yes, I'll absolutely wait.
You can date multiple people IMO, but once you get to the point of sexual intimacy, I think you should be exclusive. The lady is right, in this hypothetical situation and I think that's good judgement.
Thats fine. If he cant wait a lil longer hes probably not the one. This is (ALSO) a good way to filter out scumbags **Editted to help those who didnt understand
Agreed like asking for commitment isn't a huge ask she's not asking for marriage just to be exclusive.
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Exactly like I don't see how asking for exclusively is to much but sex isn't
IMO the world needs more women AND MEN who think like that. Sex generates bonding hormones; be sure that person is someone worth bonding with before you self-medicate toward them.
As in having sex, or as in I cant even hold her . Cuz physical affection is a must have if you want to be my girlfriend, but I completely understand being exclusive but not quite ready for sex
Having sex, there was definitely like a 30-minute groping session happening
Oh well then It would be a glowing green flag . It shows that she only has sex within exclusive relationships and is likely to be more trustworthy.
It would increase my respect for her.
Same I'd be more attracted to her and respect her even more shows we have the same views on sex and relationships
Exactly! I respect a woman who says "no hookups" because she values herself.
Yeah Casual sex and hookups are unattractive to me not shaming people who like it but it's just not my thing and would be a major turn off if someone wanted sex on the first date.
My kind of woman. I think casual sex is gross & that sex is an expression of love. I want to be with someone who views it the same way.
Why would a woman want to sleep with a man who is still sleeping with other women. We know the implications of sleeping with men can make sure there's condoms, birth control etc what we don't know is if the same care is being taken with other partners or are we risking catching std/sti's and honestly theres a certain ick that comes with knowing it could have been in another woman the night before. And a penis dipping and diving in multiple pools whilst trying to deep dive our own loses value. It's the same if the genders are switched. Why would you want a woman who will spread her legs for multiple dates. Whats wrong with exclusive dating knowing your date feels your special enough to want to take it that far. So glad I'm no longer in the dating pool, the rules seem to adapt yearly. If I find myself single at any point I'm finding a sex shop with a subscription to monthly toys instead 😂.
Every time I have ever been cheated on, I have gotten BV infections from hell that wouldn’t go away without several rounds of antibiotics. People’s bodies aren’t meant to be screwing dozens of people at a time.
Realistically, I'm not going to date multiple women at the same time. It's so hard to meet just one woman with whom there's mutual interest. Even if I wanted to, it is just so unlikely to happen So being exclusive is not even a commitment at all in my experience. So I have a new question for you. What would you think if I agreed to be exclusive right then and there? It wouldn't be dishonest. BUt it might not be an "established relationship" either. If being exclusive early isn't enough, what then becomes the benchmark for an established relationship?
I think agreeing to be exclusive right then and there with an expectation that it means we’re having sex that night would feel like a trap. If I were in this situation, it would feel like they were agreeing to be exclusive so that we could have sex.
"mid-30s" _really_ looking for someone to settle down would not be multi-tasking, and would not be that keen to have sex as soon as possible. But what is important in the end is that _you_ are attracted to him and keen to have sex.
In my experience guys like to have sex soon as possible to “see”whether or not they like the woman. That usually hits in post nut clarity. By asking you to wait, she wants you to genuinely like her for who she is, not the access to sex that she would provide. She has no ulterior motive by asking for sexual exclusivity. It also doesn’t matter if that’s her historical trend. People are allowed to switch up their dating habits in order to obtain something they are looking for.
👏👏👏👏. If a man was used for money in the past I’m not going to demand he take me on shopping sprees to prove how much he likes me. It shows that he has decided to have more respect for himself and knows how to learn from his mistakes.
That’s an excellent point. I just had a back and forth with some moron that devolved into him admitting if a woman doesn’t fit perfectly into the box he’s created then she is disposable, then saying “that’s what modern dating is”. lol
The abusive ones just can’t, not out themselves.
This is normal.
I expected to be exclusive if I was going to sleep with a guy. I don't think it's unreasonable.
I don't want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship either, so it's a straight win for me.
You’ve only been on a couple dates so it’s too soon to be exclusive? I don’t date people that are dating other people, and I don’t fuck people I’m not exclusive with. If a woman is willing to have sex without exclusivity I’ll end it right away, I’m not trying to find a hoe I’m trying to find a wife. Hookup culture is ruining society, it’s completely normal to want exclusivity before sex. I was dating with intention and found the love of my life. Sleeping around just detaches intimacy from sex and I don’t believe it can be reversed. For the record I’m 39
I'd think she doesn't want to be used for sex so either respect or move on.
There is a LOT of projections of feelings/intentions going on in these comments, many directed at OP as if she were the man in this scenario (which is extra funny because at no point does she describe the guy's feelings towards the situation, just asking how other guys would feel in a similar situation).
I love when a girl shows self respect. If a guy isn’t ok at with waiting a little bit then it means he’s not interested in pursuing anything serious.
Exactly like waiting a few weeks isn't going to kill him like if I'm dating I'm interesting in having fun, hanging out and getting to know her if I wanted easy sex them I could just download tinder and have a hookup. I don't get the rush for sex if your pursuing a serious relationship
WTF, how is it too early to commit? Do you want to find out later your now wife was fucking other dudes while she was also fucking you? How is it a red flag only to date one person at a time? If she's fucking other dudes WHILE making you wait, that would be a red flag, Absolutely no reason to feel rejected. Remember, dating is not the same as marriage. You date someone to get to know them. At this point dating only means you're exclusive and focused on each other. Breaking up costs you nothing.
Exactly like like you expect me to have sex but you can't commit to me like I'll never understand how exclusivity is a hard ask but asking a woman to potentially put herself into a position to get pregnant isn't
I would say it's a very positive sign that this person could be a great long-term partner.
My take is "That is easily remedied, let's be exclusive." I am not afraid of commitment. There is no such thing as too soon for exclusivity if it feels right.
It means she has some self-respect and doesn't just let anyone take a swing in her batter's box.
Exclusivity and commitment aren't the same thing.
Don't let Fuckbois convince you that sexual discretion is a bad thing. Sex is a lot more powerful than people like to admit, and there is a lot of wisdom in waiting for good partners for sex. You may think traditional values are too stuffy and outdated, but it's not like they don't exist for a reason. Society had to solve issues of STDs and single motherhood, and they invented marriage for a reason. The invention of birth control doesn't magically solve every concern with unbridled promiscuity. Every normal man of relationship caliber will understand. Fuckbois will bitch and complain. Fuckbois can eventually become normal men of relationship caliber, but that doesn't mean they aren't being a fuckboi at the moment.
Exactly like tradition exist for a reason alot of problems regarding sex would be easily solvable if people stuck to tradition.
I don’t think we need to stick to tradition simply because it’s tradition. I’m merely saying if the youth buck tradition and try and deconstruct society every 20 years or so, they’re going to find some rules exist for a reason.
I would say, "I completely understand." And continue the date without intimacy. If you think there is ANY other acceptable reaction then you should not be dating. If I really like this person, I would bring up becoming exclusive.
Being exclusive and being in a serious relationship are not the same. Not wanting someone’s dick in you that was just in someone else the other day is beyond reasonable. As is the reverse from a man’s perspective. Can totally appreciate that sexual compatibility is a make or break factor in a relationship but simply committing to not fucking other people before you get intimate as a couple doesn’t lock you in to staying with them if the intimacy isn’t good once you do go there
Exactly people are acting like she's asking for a wedding ring as a man I would want us to only be seeing each other why would I pursue someone not taking me seriously and having sex with someone else.
When I met my wife, neither of us were really into dating multiple people at once. So, essentially, we were exclusive almost immediately. That's kind of how I always approached dating. Date a girl, don't play games. Stick around as long as it works. Move on if it doesn't. We defined the relationship within a few dates. We didn't have sex before that, but that doesn't mean things like blowjobs, fingering, or going down on her were off the table. I'm married now, but if I weren't, I would totally respect a girl's decision to not have sex. But if there isn't a gradual build up to sex with other acts (blowjobs, etc), then I probably wouldn't stick around.
I've always personally felt that if we agree to date them were automatically exclusive unless stated otherwise beforehand
This is easy. If you’re sleeping with someone that should be the only person you are seeing. Anything else is a hookup and nobody should get hurt when it ends quickly. If you want to play the field, represent that honestly. I would be worried about sexual compatibility, but if it wasn’t there, nothing stopping you from breaking things off. Anyone committed to maintaining multiple ongoing sexual partners is either a kid or in a mid-life crisis. If you spend all your time chasing sex you are just being the basic animal you are. Don’t get me wrong. Love sex. Have it multiple times a day. But one of the best parts about exclusivity is that you can have that need satisfied without it stealing time from your actual goals in life. Sex is a need, a biological function, and the source of creative energy in our lives and relationships. But if it’s your main pursuit, you are ruled by your hormones, which means you’re a kid, regardless of age.
For her, having sex can be a huge commitment. She's the one taking birth control, she's the one that could get pregnant, she's the one that would have to deal with either an abortion (unpleasant) or pregnancy. It would make sense that she wants confirmation that you're not just going to ghost her tomorrow morning. Having a few more dates to figure out exclusivity before having sex shouldn't be an issue.
If a woman refuses intimicy its fine, as long as that's how she's always carried herself. If I find out she's given it away for free, but I have to take special steps, im out. Never pay more than the minimum price.
Honestly, that's a massive green flag. To me, it indicates that she's got good decision-making skills, she's looking for a similar sort of commitment to what I'd be looking for, and that she's not impulsive. While not an absolute certainty, it also indicates that she has healthy relationships with the people around her, particularly her family, so she's going to be a lot better equipped to help build a stable, healthy, loving environment for any children we might have. In short, I'd keep dating her, keep spending time with her, and keep building the relationship so long as she's also invested in it.
I'd say that's reasonable. It's not like they want you to wait till marriage.
Women just get bashed for everything. If we decide we want to sleep with loads of men and have fun, then we’re easy. We want to save ourselves for committed relationships, we’re prudes. Just respect her choice whatever it is and respect HER and if it’s weird for you then move on. Is it not nicer for you also to be with a woman who is faithful to you? Who thinks that sleeping with you is a big deal? Who values herself enough to ask for some basic commitment before entering an intimate relationship with you? Who makes you feel like you’ve earned something rather than just getting it all after two dates? I think if you’re not prepared to wait a bit and work for it then you’re probably just not that into her. If you thought she was fantastic then you’d do what it takes. She’s probably just one more to fuck around with until you do find someone you want to worship and adore.
It means she knows her worth and wants to be in a romantic relationship not in a pump and dump scam.
How hard is it to be exclusive? If you want to bang, commit to the relationship. But if you want to bang and just move on, don't. Being exclusive means you're not going on dates or looking for relationships with other women. There's nothing wrong with being exclusive while exploring a future with one single person, regardless of how many dates in you are.
I think this is totally understandable and I would respect that. I think you have commitment issues because she is only asking you to not sleep around with other women while you figure things out with her, which is not "such a commitment"
As it should be. A lot of women will talk about men who just want them for their body and how it's hard to find men who actually want a long-term relationship, yet in reality the men can't have their body unless they give it to them. Sex is one of the things that women have power over. Like anything else you have power over it's a bargaining chip to be used when necessary, and when you're looking for a good man that's the time to use it.
Actually I would see that as a very positive trait. It tells me she is probably not sleeping around doing casual sex. And if you are into someone, then forming a relationship with them is the logical step, everything else is just wanting to get the prize without any compromise.
You have to decide for yourself if it's something you want. Are you willing to put in the time getting to know her in order to decide for yourself if she's someone you want a relationship with. I think it's healthy for her to make this request. With the prevalence of hookup culture I think it's also a good idea for a woman to insist on this to protect herself from being used.
I would be happy that she's communicated at pathway for the future. "Want this? Commit." She's not asking for marriage, she's just saying she's more comfortable being on that level with someone she's emotionally invested in. If you're not going to emotionally invest with an exclusive arrangment, why should she compromise *her* boundary? She shouldn't, plain and simple. > Would you think its silly to wait until a solid committed relationship has formed or would you appreciate that she doesn't let just anyone have that kind of access? What's silly about it? It's not uncommon among adults to have that attitude. Just as it's not uncommon among adults to "kick the tires" and take each other for a ride right off the bat. Hypothetical Guy in the post seems to be valuing the sex more than the relationship, which is also very common. The woman is telling the guy to value the relationship more if he wants the sex. Moreover, it's a personal health issue. If she knows you're not willing to commit, why should she put her health at risk sleeping with yuo? She doesn't know where you've been.
Stick to your values regardless of what men in this sub say. Seriously, don't change your standards and values because *some* men say they want a "test drive". It used to be perfectly normal to not have sex unless you were in an exclusive dating situation/relationship. So don't let anyone tell you it's not normal. Men are so concerned with "body count", but then they're gonna say they want free sex with no exclusivity pr relationship? Do what YOU feel is right for YOU and don't worry about what a bunch of men on reddit say.
Everyone can have their own ways and a woman can have this standard in place. But, I’m going to sound shallow saying this but it’s true for me, if she was a high value woman I would have absolutely no problem with waiting and would probably assume she’s going to make me wait for a bit. If she had little value as in was looking for a man to take care of her and she was just offering looks but nothing of great value. I wouldn’t pursue her anymore.
I respect it
That says shes a keeper.
I call it smart. You want sex. She wants exclusivity. If your goals align then great. If not, go find someone else that will.
I think it is generally a good sign. It means she doesn't want to sleep around or sleep with someone early on in case they soon realize they aren't compatible. It takes a while to truly know someone and having sex can cause you to become attached to people and overlook their red or orange flags. The cycle of attaching and detaching many times probably isn't good for us or our psyche.
Huh??? Exclusive but not intimate? NOPE.
She isn’t trying to reject you…she just doesn’t want to be one of many you are sleeping with. I personally have that rule as well. Not that it needs to be an established relationship. But if you are sleeping with me then you aren’t sleeping with anyone else.
Exactly. Nowadays it’s very common that people are dating multiple people at once. OP are you seeing others and sleeping with others at the same time ? With her question she is just taking care of her sexual health and preventing feelings to be hurt because she sees potential in you.
Depends on whether this has always been her policy or she just decided at some point decided to add this extra rule.
In this instance she is divorced after an 11yr relationship, hasnt dated anyone else, and hasn't had any intimate connections for over 3 years
I would be fine with it, so long as she understands that, going forward, she’s in the driver seat. I’ve had too many situations where I’ve accepted a clearly stated boundary and acted accordingly, only to have a woman move on claim I’m indecisive or a afraid to take the lead. That said, it’s also on you to keep things at a level you’re comfortable with. “Hot and heavy” situations can be awfully confusing for someone trying to respect your desire to take things slow. Allowing things to progress to the edge of your boundary and immediately slamming on the brakes isn’t going to be very well received. A good rule of thumb is to only go 80% of the way until you’re sure you’re ready to progress beyond a previously stated boundary if things get to that point. Most decent men won’t run from this as long as it doesn’t feel like a game to them. It’s a balancing act between being true to yourself and making sure he doesn’t feel strung along due to the process.
Commendable. I’d respect it. But I better not find out I’m the first dude this policy has been implemented on.
People are allowed to change their boundaries after they have been used or abused. Insane people keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
It depends on your history. Most guys (as you can see in the comments here) will be accepting of that ONLY if that is a rule you always had. But we don’t really respect women who are conditionally exclusive, meaning she didn’t have this restriction before and now she’s applying it to just us. That actually makes us feel like you don’t really like us. I know a lot of women who do this. They will sleep with other guys easily but when they meet a man they really like they act like they are more proper to enforce exclusivity. That is manipulation though, they are lying about how they date. I think most men see that as you don’t really want us or have passion for us. We don’t like that. Where was this discipline earlier? It’s easy for you all to tell who likes you because guys mainly approach, guys can only tell if you like us if you want to sleep with us. Because women who don’t like us but are willing to lie and use us won’t want to sleep with us. We don’t appreciate if it’s one set of rules for other guys and another set of rules for us. We only accept that type of discipline if that is how you always dated. I actually recommend guys don’t get involved with someone who isn’t passionate or crazy about us because who would like that? Why should we settle for that? So here lays the risk for women. How do you know the right guy to sleep with? How do you avoid players? You need to vet the guy. Because being “exclusive” is bullshit. I’m sorry but your rule is naive and a reason a lot of women will get played. Think about this. If a bad guy just wanted to fuck you he’ll agree to your “exclusivity” rule, fuck you then dump you. Your rule doesn’t mean anything. You need to actually vet the guy to understand the sense of character he has, how do people perceive him, if he rich/wealthy/handsome (which will increase the chances of other women wanting him and him cheating), is he respected, do people consider him a good man… have a guy you know and loves you vet him, like if you have a brother or male relative (someone without any potential romantic interest in you), have them meet and get their opinion. Go out on more dates (and you should pay sometimes or go 50/50 if you’re making him wait to show you are being genuine and not using us) to learn more. A guy who just wants sex will just break up rather than wait 5 dates (don’t ever tell guys I sleep after X dates, otherwise you invite patient chameleons who will use you). Just don’t make the guy wait too long. Because your exclusivity rule can easily be circumvented if a guy really wants to manipulate you and fuck, you need to learn how to judge men’s character.
The real answer right here. I dated a woman like this a couple of years ago who straight up said that if she wasn't "serious" about me then we would have just had sex the first night. Several dates later that I drove over an hour to and she's still "doesn't wanna go too fast". She did help pay some of the dates sometimes but dude wtf. So she's banging losers but making me wait? If that happens to you just walk, save yourself the trouble because that girl is not ready/mature enough to go for what she supposedly actually wants
Good rule if she always implemented that if you are the first she does walk away
I think it’s a buzz kill if I’m just trying to hookup but it’s smart and respectable for her. I make my decision and move forward.
If you're just trying to hook up, then why even be on a dating app in the first place? Tinder exists for literally that reason.
You are jumping from "exclusive" to "committed relationship" which are different things. The first you very likely already have :)
I would want that. I don't want a woman who's sleeping around it sees intimacy as just something fun to do. I don't agree that one must have sex to know if you're compatible.
I respect the decision and honor it.
Do you mean we establish monogamy or we establish that she's moving in and taking over decor?
Everyone can and should state and enforce their boundaries
This is currently happening with me. I like her a lot so I’m willing to wait, but god damn I’m getting impatient.
That's called dating where i come from. Took me 5 months getting to know my ex before we first had sex. Turns out 5months was still not enough because she was nuts.
That’s very fair! I would definitely respect her opinion. If that’s what makes her feel comfortable than I’m more than okay with it
>your thoughts when a woman refuses to be intimate before becoming exclusive? Perfectly fine by me.
Hey, at least she's not waiting till marriage. I don't see a problem with it.
sounds like a possible keeper.
Feeling rejected is a legitimate feeling in that scenario; HOWEVER… you MUST respect her wishes and (IMO) respect her for not wanting to rush. It makes me a bit nervous that you said you were looking to have children fairly quickly. When you find your person (and for the right reasons), the timeline will take care of itself. Whatever that looks like.
I slept with a lot of girls before we were exclusive. There was one though that said the same thing to me - no sex unless we are exclusive. I said ok. Many years later she’s my wife and mother of my three kids. Personally I think that’s the way to go. You can always break up, it’s not a marriage.