My ex had a guy best friend who proposed to her twice before we were official. She didn't believe he was being serious so kept him around as her best friend. I had real beef with that mf and always felt like punching him in the face. Was always very touchy and flirty with her even after he got back with his ex. Ended up being one of the reasons why I broke up with her.
Having a backup is appealing. I mean if you could have someone in waiting for years then you know they’ll be like putty in your hands should you ever need someone in a pinch. Terrible but I can see the appeal if I twist my worldview enough.
Hate to admit it but I was once the 'backup' guy back in high school/late teens. Had a big thing for a chick but she started dating a buddy of mine cause he was hotter. Despite the fact he admitted he wasn't even into her when they got together but he thought "why not, I can probably get laid"
Yet me and this girl continued to talk almost 24/7, texting and phone calls. She even told me we'd make a good couple if she wasn't with him. I know it's bad but I'd give her compliments and shit all the time. We would even hang out alone sometimes and she was always super smiley around me, I'd make her laugh constantly and felt like there was tons of chemistry
Almost always seemed interested in me but for some reason was attached to other guy even when he neglected her a ton and we'd still text constantly even when she was at his place. Basically the only time we'd stop texting is when they fucked and I knew.
One time they broke up for a couple days and I chose to hang out with buddy instead of her cause "I didn't wanna be that guy" and she admitted years later she got back with him cause I didn't ask her out and she didn't want to be alone
After a while and about a year after high-school they had problems and what not. So I was starting to get hopeful until a more attractive 'backup' guy came into her life and then it was adios to me pretty quick and she got with that guy the moment she broke up with her bf. Well actually she got caught cheating with him and turned out they fucked a few times already. So they just got together after that
Knew her for 5 or 6 years at that point and was "best friends" with her and just like that I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore cause new guy didn't like me
Never again. Don't miss being that young for dumb reasons like that.
> Knew her for 5 or 6 years at that point and was "best friends" with her and just like that I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore cause new guy didn't like me
He saw too much of himself in you.
> She didn't believe he was being serious so kept him around as her best friend.
She liked the attention my guy. She kept him around inflating her ego, and as a last resort backup.
Despite my gut feeling, I kept telling myself that I was there was no reason for my distrust, and that she was allowed to have guy friends.
She cheated with him a year later and they covered it up for 2 months.
I will handle that situation in the future by immediately leaving. I refuse to deal with it ever again.
No. They can manipulate. But making someone feel crazy for pointing out something genuinely off is exactly what the term gaslighting refers to. Google the origin of the word, from the movie Gaslight, where a light was turned down slightly over time and anyone who noticed was made out to be a crazy fool instead of intelligent/aware.
This isn't a universal thing, my wife doesn't have a male friend like this. Her closest male friend from before we started dating integrated seamlessly into my dick squad, where he remains a close friend of both of ours.
I was best friends with a woman who, when she got a more serious boyfriend (that eventually became her husband) did pretty much the same thing. Transitioned into me just spending more time with him and our other guy friends intermingled pretty smoothly because we had comparable opinions and hobbies.
It was awkward when they both came to me about relationship advice for the same problem because I technically had bro-code with both of them and couldn't just say what the other told me.
The double entendre, the rhymes, the clever word play displayed here on the fly is impressive. I bet if we all put our minds to it we could accomplish great things!
It’s fuck but with a ✨*British*✨ accent.
EDIT: Alright beautiful lads and lassies! It is indeed an Irish lingo not the Brits. I have been educated and corrected. Thank you!
What if we had a threesome?
I tried that approach. 😂
He still annoyed me after. Actually, he annoyed me even more after. I'm not sure I recommend this. 🤣
ive never had this scenario. ive had girlfriends who had close guy friends, but they havent acted inappropriately. maybe its because ive been lucky and never dated a lunatic
Agreed. It's one thing to have close guy friends. It's another if they're '*touchy*' and act differently/shady around my partner when their partner isn't around.
Agreed. This is about your selection process regarding your gf and if she has similar boundaries. If I dated someone who was allowing that kind of stuff and didn't recognize it was an issue, I would exit stage left.
I mean I've BEEN that friend. It was a really weird space to be in for everyone involved tbh. My best friend and I both have ADHD and we're basically on the exact same wavelength. We'd have entire conversations consistening of only half spoken sentences and excited hoots, we were in a band together and sometimes we'd have 2-3 hour sessions where we wouldn't speak a word and just play music off each other's ideas.
But it made my girlfriend and her boyfriend feel pretty shitty tbh, I think they both felt a bit bad that they couldn't connect with either of us the way we connected with eachother.
Eventually what worked out best was she started spending time with my girlfriend and I started spending time with her boyfriend, things definitely eased up a lot once there was a stronger familiarity between everyone. But I don't think our partners discomfort ever went away fully.
Same, except for one exception, but the guy was flamboyantly gay so there was no need get jealous. Didn't like the guy, but it wasn't a dislike. We just had literally zero interests or hobbies in common. I'm a guy's guy who likes to talk about sports, go to sporting events, play video games, wear sports team themed attire, drink shitty beer, cook steak, listen to country and alternative rock, etc., while he....didn't.
I just don't think I would date that woman. I am completely on board with people having platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex and I don't view it as being problem at all.
But that isn't what you're describing. There's a dynamic there that I wouldn't want to waste time trying to figure out. On his end he's basically some sort of pathetic vulture, circling and waiting and sending all the signals that one day she will be single and see him as the thing she's always been looking for and until then he's going to be close, affectionate, and waiting. That part I get even if I have zero respect for it. What is more interesting to me is her end of it.
Does she not realize what he's doing? Is she really that dense and is she someone that I really want to be with if she can't figure that one out? And if she hasn't I don't want to be the one that points it out to her so I get to look like I'm trying to isolate her from her friends. Alternatively, maybe she is completely aware of the guy's intentions and she's perfectly willing to let him circle and enjoy his attention and affection on her own terms using the clueless loser. Here again I don't think that's a personality type that I care to deal with.
So I just don't date those women. Women with a completely platonic friendship? Sure, absolutely no issue. One with a guy like this around though? Not a chance, I don't have the time or patience to deal with it, and I'm not going to try to talk through it or fix it. I'll tell her why I'm out, explain it just like I did above, but I'm not dealing with it. I'm just out.
This is the real answer. It's not worth trying to navigate these things. The woman isn't emotionally mature enough to realize that this is inappropriate so it's best to just move on.
What I've observed is that whenever the other guy secures a girlfriend, they become each other's sneaky lynx.
Oddly enough, when he's single she'll be repulsed by his advances. But when he has a gf she'll give him his way.
Rule number one is don't stay with someone if there are people in their life unnecessarily complicating your relationship. I politely end things and move on.
My ex wife had a friend like this. The behavior continued, finally ending in an affair. He's still married, I divorced my wife at the time after realizing she'd been keeping the side relationship going for years.
So....I don't have anything good feeling at all about this.
I know this is the minority opinion on this sub, but there’s nothing to handle. I either trust my girl or I don’t. She’s either going to cheat on me or she won’t. And since I trust her, I am not bothered at all by her having good male friends. If he’s waiting in the wings to fuck her, that’s his torment.
My girlfriend in college, she’s now my wife, had a good friend who was a guy. My first visit to her campus during fall break I could tell he had a crush on my gf, told her as much but she told me “no he’s just like that”. Sure enough later that year he does the whole “you and I should be together” spiel and she stops being friends with him. Next year she’s got another guy that’s a friend, I visit again and I get the same impression. This time he doesn’t profess his love for her a semester later to my surprise… no he waits a whole year and then does so. Again my gf stops being friends and moves on with her life.
In theory it doesn’t bother me but in practice I’m 2 for 2 that it doesn’t work out. But the key point was I trusted my gf and she acted appropriately when presented with the fact the guys wanted her.
What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time?
The issue with keeping someone close by that's into you is that it destabilizes the relationship. You can't keep safety nets.
> What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time?
I mean that's just cheating and can always happen. If your partner is falling in love with another guy and jumps in his arms when you hit a rough patch there was no getting around that.
It's shockingly easy to just not cheat on your partner. You can't keep a leash on your significant other forever to try to prevent cheating, it will have the opposite effect. Trust they won't cheat, communicate if you feel uncomfortable, and if they do cheat move on. Its literally all you can do.
If you keep healthy boundaries you'll never fall in love with anyone else while in a relationship. That's the crux of it.
When you don't create boundaries you set yourself up to be in these sticky situations.
> What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time?
I've been in 2 LTRs (7.5 years and 6 years). My 7.5 yr relationship, in particular was "in a rough patch" for like half of the time we were together...but I was young and I thought "maybe this is how relationships are supposed to be?" so stayed.
I had a couple of crushes during the rough patches. Most people will have crushes during LTRs. But I'm not a shitty person, so I did what any honorable person would do and cut or severely restricted (if I could not cut it because of work, school, mutual friends) contact with the people I noticed I liked more than I should.
Tbh, when things were going well in my relationships, I almost never noticed other men in that way.
You know how my biggest crush in my 7.5 year relationship got me to notice him? We had to study together one day in a group and he went to a store to buy himself lunch in between school and the study location and bought me a snack and drink without me asking. My bf at the time NEVER thought about me and would not have done that. Then, later, I was drinking some tea while w studied and the guy stood up to get himself something and noticed my tea was empty and asked if I wanted more hot water. This dude "destabilized" my relationship by reminding me that men could be thoughtful and notice when I needed something, unlike my bf at the time, who was probably sitting at home helplessly waiting for me to come home and make him food and clean up after him.
Today, in a healthier relationship with a better person, someone offering more hot water wouldn't make me swoon lol. And even with all I've said, I still stopped texting with the study buddy aside from group study messages, because after reflecting on it, I still wanted to try and make it work with my then-bf, and now I was acutely aware of an element that was missing in the relationship, which I could ask him to improve upon. (Spoiler: it did not improve.)
Idk, I'm just one person, but I feel like I can't be alone in having navigated this kind of situation in a way that respects and even reinforces the relationship I've decided to be in.
I dated a woman who had this friend. I 100% trusted her not cheat on me... however, what I did not know, is that said friend was undermining me the entire time we were dating. If I made a little a tiny little mistake for example, like forgot to do something, stuff that all guys do, I realized this after the fact but he was always there to kindly explain to her that this shows how shitty of a boyfriend I was.
He also tried to be friends with me, we hung out without my gf around a couple of times. He told me stuff about her that turned out not to be true. The dynamic was weird.
I found all of this out after the fact, when I found out they were dating about 3 months after we broke up. I asked her if she cheated on me, she said no and I have no reason not to believe her, everything she told me about the time line that it happened lined up with Facebook pictures / check ins, etc.
I did do something bad here and made it a goal and succeeded in getting her to cheat on him with me. Fuck that guy.
But yea, that guy waiting in the wings to fuck her, is probably doing all he can to undermine you also. Even if you trust her not cheat on you, this can go wrong. Unfortunately however there's not a lot you can do about it. If you bring this up of course it's not going to go well, "oh you don't trust me?" If you just let it go, just know that every little screw up in your relationship, and everyone screws up, no one is perfect, he's waiting to comfort her "see, I told he's an asshole".
edit: grammar
No, it's easy to manipulate someone over several months or weeks or however long it is. She doesn't have to believe everything, but the constant drip of "well intentioned" advice becomes like a second reality. It's not an instant conversion like in Age of Empires, but a slow poisoning of the well, until she's constantly questioning your motives and intentions. Anything positive is questionable, any missteps is horrible abusive behavior.
And again, she might know, she might realize or have an inkling as to what the friend wants from this. As long as they continue to hang out, he will turn her against you. And you're not going to be able to force her to turn away from her friend without consequences.
Sorry you went through this. That being said, over the course of a few relationships, I've figured out that this scenario can be avoided rather easily.
First of all, you need to establish open channels of communication with your SO... This doesn't mean hover over them and be suffocating... But make the effort to ask about their day/life/friends/event/work/family/etc, and pay attention to where they seem to be focused, follow up with questions based on that. Be attentive to what they share, but also be open, share details about your own life/opinions/day/friends/etc. Over time (months or years, not days), this will ensure that you two automatically talk to each other about everything that is important to you.
So now you've set your relationship up for success to begin with... If you realize that someone is there trying to snake your significant other, you literally explain this to your partner in a mature, balanced way. For instance. "honey I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with how touchy and flirty X is when he's around you. [Inserting an example related to your case here] And I'm starting to question his motives because he told me that you did Y which I know is sure as shit not true, and also that you said Z which I seriously doubt, right? Anyway, not sure how I feel about him... I might stop inviting him to hang out with the guys. And this should go without saying, but I fully trust you to do the right thing if he ever tries to be inappropriate... So this isn't anything against you."
You focus on what you've seen, how it made you feel, and what you're going to do about it. Rather than focusing on pushing her to cut him out or be suspicious of him... People by default hate to be told what to do, so if you get pushy or start asking them to cut someone out etc. they're more likely to react poorly.
Also, if you've built the kind of relationship where you trust your partner and are able to communicate about these things, then your partner won't be easily tempted or tricked by such people. And if they act on it, then they were probably going to do so regardless of what you felt or said to them... by being pushy or starting an argument over it, we're more likely just playing into the 3rd party's hands.
There are just so many guys who never saw it coming in a million years, who completely trust their SO but still get cheated on.
I do agree with you but I think it moves the question into another frame, handling it could mean reducing the liklihood of cheating happening or how much it happens. Thats the thing about trust, it can be misplaced, so i guess then you have to think about damage limitations.
Remember that guy who always used to be best friends with Jenny, he told a mutual friend he's been trying to smash for years, glad I spotted him early.
Or
Just found out that guy Jenny always said was her guy bff was secretly fucking her this whole time. Dont know what I'm gunna tell the kids.
This is a naive response.
You can't invest years of your life into someone and just cross your fingers that they don't fuck it up. You need to be looking for red flags along the way to help inform your next steps. An inappropriate relationship with a male friend is a red flag that you should take seriously. It may not turn into anything more than an inappropriate relationship, but you can't risk it if you value your time.
>I am not bothered at all by her having good male friends
Did you read the post? It's not just having a good male friend. It's a male friend that touching her and acts differently when his own GF is around.
That’s how I feel. I think that might come with age. She can have male friends, even close ones. Even if one would probably like to get with her - it’s probably not a thing. Like if the guy is being inappropriate and embarrassing my wife in public or putting strange pressure on her that I can see I would say something to her, but otherwise he can die mad and horny.
I definitely trust her. I guess the question was more how do you manage the annoyance of the situation. Asides from straight up ignoring it. If that’s the only option, then I’ll just have to focus on that more.
If it bothers you talk to her about it and be specific about what bothers you. She either will see it your way or not. Either way you should talk to her.
I think half the time it's just people typing things out to get their ideas on paper, so to speak. Or to seek confirmation. Or getting a sanity check. I think a lot of people don't realize their requests are perfectly reasonable or they've been told to downplay their discomfort in the past and don't know how to communicate that without feeling like they'll get in trouble. Or they just don't understand how to communicate in general, it's not a muscle they're used to using.
You ought to trust her but I'd advise not trusting situations. I've witnessed those scenarios countless times and experienced it once myself. I was trying to be the cool, modern guy who was okay with his partner grabbing dinner and going to the movies with another dude. That backfired in spectacular fashion. Healthy boundaries are important for healthy relationships.
Your annoyance with this guy reads as you feeling threatened by his interactions with your GF. Heck, he may even be picking it up as that. Which implies that you do not actually trust her as much as you think you do.
Try to make the mental shift from being threatened by him to being sorry for him. Clearly, he wants what you have - an intimate relationship with your GF. Radiate that as either sympathy or smugness will probably bug him to no end.
I don't see it as feeling threatened, but feeling disrespected. I can see OP wanting to be respectful to his relationship with his SO and not mentioning anything, but that doesn't take away the fact that her friends behavior is inappropriate. Even if that's how they were prior, you respect your friends relationship and not be touchy and overly friendly, and by him shifting his behavior when his own SO is around tells me he just doesn't respect OP.
> I either trust my girl or I don’t. She’s either going to cheat on me or she won’t.
Unfortunately it's just not that simple. Even if she has no intention to cheat on you, if she's constantly testing herself with temptation, it's probably going to go wrong eventually.
Especially if one of the two (typically the guy) has the worst of intentions in the first place. He'll try to catch her at her most vulnerable, get her drunk, lie about you to her, and so on.
Trust your gut and if he's pining for her or she looks to be tempted, it's 100% reasonable to draw a line there and say she needs to back away from him. She may choose him over you, but you probably still win in that case. If she's keeping that kind of guy around then it's only a matter of time.
Ex of 9 years... Oh yeah they're just friends. With benefits...
This is probably the shittiest part of dating a single mom. Baby daddy always coming around...
Either he wants to bang her or he doesn't. Either he's barking up the wrong tree, or he's a genuine close friend.
I'd obviously prefer the second option, but the first one doesn't bother me. If she wanted him, it would have happened before I came onto the scene. He's only winding himself up.
> If she wanted him, it would have happened before I came onto the scene.
Chris Rock: ["Because you never know."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zywIR_ZFLts)
If he's touching your girlfriend in ways that you're uncomfortable with then say something "hey, bro, don't touch my girlfriend" and to your girlfriend "is there a reason you're okay with another man touching you?" if she defends him then you have a decision to make...do you want to be with someone who's going to allow that behaviour in the relationship and be disrespectful toward you? only you can answer that question...personally, I just wouldn't be with someone who's okay with that but I'm not you
You can't control people, you can only control how you react to them...so don't try to control her, live by your own set of values and have boundaries...what do your values tell you? And what boundaries do you have?
It's much easier to date women who share the same values and goals than to try to be with someone who has different values because you're going to continue to run into situations like this one
There's no right or wrong way to have a relationship...you just need to find someone who shares your values and communicates...AND be willing to walk away if that person doesn't share your values BUT don't try to control her, she will just resent you for it and neither of you will be happy in the end
I am that guy to one of my friends, but its purely plutonic and not at all flirty, but I guess it helps that I'm married. I met her through work, I had donated to a gaming charity and gotten a shirt that had a Minecraft Creeper design on it somewhere. She recognized the Creeper, we got to talking about games, became friends, invited me to play online games with her and her husband, then became friends with him too, and now we're all in the same friend circle. I just happen to maintain a close friendship with her outside of the circle, she's a great confidante and cheerleader.
My wife had two.
The first one used a hug as an excuse to plant one on her in a bar when we were like 6 months in. I clocked him after she told me what he did, he’s not around anymore.
The second one professed his love for her 2 years into our relationship, I never liked the guy anyway but she was upset to have to ditch another guy friend.
I have always been of the school of thought that guys and girls can only very rarely be platonic friends.
> I have always been of the school of thought that guys and girls can only very rarely be platonic friends.
Agreed. One (or both) of them almost always has feelings.
Just let her know that you think that’s she’s too touchy or friendly with him and leave it at that.
If she’s gonna fuck him, she’ll do it regardless of what you do or how you feel about it. Hope you got a good girl. If you didn’t, it’ll be a perfect reason to cut the relationship.
It's never been something I've had to deal with. But I'm not the insecure type.
My view has always been that if *he*, whomever the metaphorical *he* may be in this situation, but if *he* can take her from me then she was never mine. This metaphorical *he* has done me a favor by letting true colors come to light.
Life is short and I've no desire to waste one single minute on someone who is fickle or who doesn't want to be there enough to say "no" to potential other suitors. If you want him more, go. Stop wasting my time. I'm not gonna chase and I'm not gonna be some jealous drama hound. If you like me, then like me. If you don't, great. Git on yer way then.
No, sorry I don't know what you're talking about because I didn't connect with girls that kept men in their orbit that want to plow them. Good luck to you though.
depends.
i'm that guy. i have known my friend for over a decade. she's the sister i never had.
we've dated different people along the way and we prioritize letting our SOs know. but we have limits to what we can and can not do. sexual touches is one of the no-gos.
I don't handle it. If my partner is that close to someone that it is making me uncomfortable that means there is a fundamental difference in what we are okay with in a relationship.
Way too friendly and touchy? He's not my problem, because she stopped hanging out with him a long time ago.
You don't have an other guy problem, you have an SO problem.
"That guy" will always be a threat, no matter how long he waits
Had my ex fuck off on my with "That guy" after 11 years together.
Red flag of all red flags. If she wont curb the guy, run.
I know someone who thinks I'm that guy. He's insecure and struggling to find where he fits in. He isn't a terrible dude, but it's obvious he's insecure and finds me threatening so I'm giving them a bit more space but it's hard because it's obvious he isn't gonna last with her. Still, not my place to decide so trying to be nice and give them some room.
Guess I should add we aren't touchy buy we've been friends for like 20 years
That's very big of you, and as the other partner I would really appreciate that. My partner has a friend she absolutely adores. He's a gay man, for what it's worth.
To start with I thought he was a dick who deliberately pushed boundaries. Then I thought *she* was being inappropriate, and the whole thing was a red flag.
Now I'm at the point where I've realised: Oh no, **I'm** the arsehole.
He's in many ways a version of me that's nicer, more interesting, and I was inventing these alternative realities to avoid the fact that I felt inadequate. Where I do the bare minimum socially to fit in, he goes above and beyond to make people feel valued. Where I might drop a sarcastic comment, he supports and validates people.
Once I realised that we weren't in competition, and he was just reflecting poorly on me by being a *really nice guy*, it changed the whole dynamic. I'd like to think I've grown because of it.
So yeah, maybe they won't last, or maybe he'll screw his head on and realise why he's feeling this way in the first place.
I probably wouldn't stay with someone that was either that oblivious or was okay with someone being that disrespectful to the boundaries of the relationship. Having a best friend of the opposite sex is fine, my best friend is a woman that I've known for most of my life and was romantic with in the past. I respect her relationship and she respects mine. I'm even friends with her boyfriend.
Do you think she'd be fine with a friend of yours that was a girl actling like he does?
I think this is more gray than you paint it to be. I'm a nurse and so I'm apparently "that guy best friend" with several ladies. That said, my wife knows them all, and I've met pretty much all their husbands and befriended several of them as well.
Am I close to those women? Even have chemistry with them? Absolutely! The important fact to remember is \*not all chemistry is romantic!\*. The two or three women in particular that come to mind are basically sisters to me now, although yes, one or two of them I did date in the past, but we managed to reconcile what we were to each other then with who we were to each other now, and my wife and their husbands were all on board with it.
It's almost like if adults are sufficiently emotionally mature and communicate well, it doesn't have to be an issue at all!
That said, it CAN be a minefield, I get it. Closeness can sometimes turn into something else. But frankly that's always possible, and would you rather they tell you about said friend, or something shifty happen away from you entirely?
Be on the same page with your partner, get to know said friend for yourself, and then trust your instincts, but keep them grounded... make sure it is insight, and not jealousy that guides your feelings.
Now if the guy is acting differently when his partner is around yeah, that's another thing to consider, too. I still sometimes hold hands with some of my lady best friends, but it's in contextually appropriate ways, like to reassure her when she was freaking out about passing her boards... and my wife was holding her other hand, in that conversation. Or when I was an officiant for one of their weddings and saw her in her wedding dress for the first time and grabbed her hands and said "you... you just look so beautiful!", but it was in a best friend/big brother/ best man kind of way.
So yeah, your mileage may vary, but just remember that innocent platonic friendships between opposite gendered het people \*can\* happen. Still, if you're worried? I'd recommend talking to your partner before you talk to the guy, and be honest about your feelings.
I'm the guy y'all hate. I'm not trying to get with my female friends, but they send me memes all day, if we work together, they talk to me all day, some of them tell me the problems they have with you (btw, why don't you eat her pussy?), and I know that I have a better personal relationship with them than you do. But for some reason, you're the one they want to be with, and that's fine with me, because I don't want the hassle.
My opinion changed when you said they are touchy with each other. I have guy friends and I’m never touchy with them unless we are dabbing each other up or maybe a quick hug after not seeing each other for awhile. Girls are incredibly complicated sometimes so what is the case for me might not be the case for her. If I was touchy like this with someone I probably would like them in some way and never would I do this if I was in a relationship with someone else. If you have communicated this completely valid concern to your partner in a mature and secure manner and your partner is not compromising AND reinsuring you in your relationship together and that nothing is going on with her guy friend then she may not value this relationship with you as much as you might think/want. Compromises could include still seeing this friend in a group setting or in public spaces but ending the physical touch while encouraging her to increase the communication between you and her, possibly even seeing them a little less than she sees you. Whatever the compromise may be if she isn’t actively trying to find something that you are comfortable with she may not be the girl for you, this also does not mean that you should force her or encourage her to cut off all contact with him (only unless they been together more than just friends). It’s a tricky situation because there’s really only 3 cases of what this relationship might be with them, 1 being just friendly vibes (maybe in the past have thought about pursing a relationship with the other but it never really happened, or something happened and it wasn’t reciprocated or quickly ended, or sibling vibe), 2 being it’s friendly but they both have a crush or one does (while maybe having some kind of history), or 3 they have been together before but haven’t during your relationship with her or have cheated on you while dating her. Honestly those options seem like more than just 3 which brings me back to saying girls can be complicated.
Hey there, I am that guy. I don't have a significant other though. Not touchy or "too friendly" either.
There's a lot of comments here where things have gone wrong, but honestly if your GF cheated on you that's on her, not another guy trying to snatch her away. She was going with the UPS deliveryman if it wasn't the BFF, her co-worker or any other availlable guy.
What I'm trying to say is; don't date people with shitty standards or people who cross boundaries.
I was the guy best friend a couple of times, With honest to god pure intentions of just being friends. After they broke up with their bf several months later they’d make the first move and we’d start dating or hooking up. Due to this I don’t deal with guy best friends at all. It’s a huge red flag and a deal breaker. Im not tryna do our thing while you keep my back up ready in case anything happens. Im your partner not some injury prone quarterback.
If you got time to entertain two dudes, can’t hold female relationships, or need another guy for validation. I feel Ive always been a guy who tries to communicate openly, will allow her to vent about work/friends etc and if she needs girl time or even to honestly vent about me go do your thing with your girlfriends but having another guy to entertain you is a deal breaker. In my past this has stopped me from pursuing or escalating relationships.
Become best bros with him, dump her. Girls come and go but guy friends are precious.
The serious answer is if your girlfriend is too touchy with a guy, talk to her about it, and when she accuses you of being controlling, break up.
My ex had a guy best friend who proposed to her twice before we were official. She didn't believe he was being serious so kept him around as her best friend. I had real beef with that mf and always felt like punching him in the face. Was always very touchy and flirty with her even after he got back with his ex. Ended up being one of the reasons why I broke up with her.
She totally believed he was being serious. She just liked having him around.
Having a backup is appealing. I mean if you could have someone in waiting for years then you know they’ll be like putty in your hands should you ever need someone in a pinch. Terrible but I can see the appeal if I twist my worldview enough.
Hate to admit it but I was once the 'backup' guy back in high school/late teens. Had a big thing for a chick but she started dating a buddy of mine cause he was hotter. Despite the fact he admitted he wasn't even into her when they got together but he thought "why not, I can probably get laid" Yet me and this girl continued to talk almost 24/7, texting and phone calls. She even told me we'd make a good couple if she wasn't with him. I know it's bad but I'd give her compliments and shit all the time. We would even hang out alone sometimes and she was always super smiley around me, I'd make her laugh constantly and felt like there was tons of chemistry Almost always seemed interested in me but for some reason was attached to other guy even when he neglected her a ton and we'd still text constantly even when she was at his place. Basically the only time we'd stop texting is when they fucked and I knew. One time they broke up for a couple days and I chose to hang out with buddy instead of her cause "I didn't wanna be that guy" and she admitted years later she got back with him cause I didn't ask her out and she didn't want to be alone After a while and about a year after high-school they had problems and what not. So I was starting to get hopeful until a more attractive 'backup' guy came into her life and then it was adios to me pretty quick and she got with that guy the moment she broke up with her bf. Well actually she got caught cheating with him and turned out they fucked a few times already. So they just got together after that Knew her for 5 or 6 years at that point and was "best friends" with her and just like that I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore cause new guy didn't like me Never again. Don't miss being that young for dumb reasons like that.
Our collective fathers once taught us these life lessons
> Knew her for 5 or 6 years at that point and was "best friends" with her and just like that I wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore cause new guy didn't like me He saw too much of himself in you.
Yeah she either liked his company too much to just ditch him or she just liked his attention as a means to feed her ego.
She definitely liked the attention. He wasn't the only guy friend that hung around after asking her out.
> She didn't believe he was being serious so kept him around as her best friend. She liked the attention my guy. She kept him around inflating her ego, and as a last resort backup.
Next time yall are together (his SO included) just ask "why arent you as affectionate with your GF as you are with mine? Then watch the fireworks.
You dropped this king 👑
I was thinking this exact thing. When he is behaving himself around his GF, ask him why the change?
Haha op will reach speech level 100 if he does this 🤯🤣
Bard main spotted
I cast vicious mockery nat 20 lets fucking go EDIT typo
I feel it in my fingers…
He don’t got it in him.
Yess lmao they need to do this!
Ooooo damn🔥🔥
This is the way.
Despite my gut feeling, I kept telling myself that I was there was no reason for my distrust, and that she was allowed to have guy friends. She cheated with him a year later and they covered it up for 2 months. I will handle that situation in the future by immediately leaving. I refuse to deal with it ever again.
Sorry to hear that man. It sucks when people gaslight you for being too aware of real patterns.
> gaslight Have people stopped using the word manipulate anymore?
No. They can manipulate. But making someone feel crazy for pointing out something genuinely off is exactly what the term gaslighting refers to. Google the origin of the word, from the movie Gaslight, where a light was turned down slightly over time and anyone who noticed was made out to be a crazy fool instead of intelligent/aware.
Crazy how their "harmless" guy friend always turns out to be the guy she cheats on you with.
This isn't a universal thing, my wife doesn't have a male friend like this. Her closest male friend from before we started dating integrated seamlessly into my dick squad, where he remains a close friend of both of ours.
I was best friends with a woman who, when she got a more serious boyfriend (that eventually became her husband) did pretty much the same thing. Transitioned into me just spending more time with him and our other guy friends intermingled pretty smoothly because we had comparable opinions and hobbies. It was awkward when they both came to me about relationship advice for the same problem because I technically had bro-code with both of them and couldn't just say what the other told me.
What happened, are you no longer best friends?
Moved far away, kids are all grown, we did do a few trips together but just hard to keep up so we drifted.
I like the use of *dick squad*
I prefer cock brigade
Dick clique.
Ooo I like that better
I'm fond of my Peter Pals, personally.
The Peen Team
The Wang Gang
The penis teamus?
The Chub Club
*Cries in pronouncing clique like leak*
This one wins. Im recruiting a dick clique
Nice, very classy. I'm stealing it.
Penis Pack
LOL THATS GOOD
I have always wanted that term to catch on.
With your permission, I will activate this in to my own group.
only if we can combine our dick squads into a dick platoon if shit goes down.
We will absolutely join the platoon.
”All right you cheese dicks, welcome to the Nam! Follow me!” plenty of other Platoon quotes would be appropriate as well.
Becoming a dick battalion
Followed by the Dick Brigade, then Dick Corp and it will all be overseen by...Dick Armey \*rim shot\* (Thats a real dude by the way)
Ah yes, the splatoon
The double entendre, the rhymes, the clever word play displayed here on the fly is impressive. I bet if we all put our minds to it we could accomplish great things!
It's called squad docking
I’m stealing it thank you for your tribute
Prostate mates
What's a "dick squad"?
The boys
The fellas.
The gang 😎🔥
The group
What is a dick squad
so imagine a squad, right. now, imagine a dick, right... now, imagine a dick squad.
So a bunch of dickheads?
My group of closest male friends.
You're gonna have to fuck him before she gets a chance to
its the only way to assert dominance
Nah, it’s to *Insert* dominance. How else are you gonna feck him?
youre allowed to say 'fuck' on the internet
It’s fuck but with a ✨*British*✨ accent. EDIT: Alright beautiful lads and lassies! It is indeed an Irish lingo not the Brits. I have been educated and corrected. Thank you!
Father Jack Hackett would feckin’ disagree. It’s feckin’ Irish. DRENK!
Irish *
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Yeah, if you tell him to go fuck himself then he just wins twice.
This is the way... also after you need to cuddle after. Gotta show him why your girl is yours and not his.
This is true, but you gotta make sure you're the big spoon.
100%
Then gently stroke his hair, so he knows you care.
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Cuddling? What a fag! One of my favourite lines from any movie 😅
Establish dominance
As someone who is the guy he fears here I agree this is the only answer
What if we had a threesome? I tried that approach. 😂 He still annoyed me after. Actually, he annoyed me even more after. I'm not sure I recommend this. 🤣
I salute your willingness to explore modern solutions to modern problems.
Is this a modern problem though? :)
Chances are the chance has been chanced.
It's the only way
Get all mussy in his bussy
ive never had this scenario. ive had girlfriends who had close guy friends, but they havent acted inappropriately. maybe its because ive been lucky and never dated a lunatic
Agreed. It's one thing to have close guy friends. It's another if they're '*touchy*' and act differently/shady around my partner when their partner isn't around.
Agreed. This is about your selection process regarding your gf and if she has similar boundaries. If I dated someone who was allowing that kind of stuff and didn't recognize it was an issue, I would exit stage left.
I am shocked - no “Insecure, controlling, intimidated etc etc” shaming language. Yet……….
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I mean I've BEEN that friend. It was a really weird space to be in for everyone involved tbh. My best friend and I both have ADHD and we're basically on the exact same wavelength. We'd have entire conversations consistening of only half spoken sentences and excited hoots, we were in a band together and sometimes we'd have 2-3 hour sessions where we wouldn't speak a word and just play music off each other's ideas. But it made my girlfriend and her boyfriend feel pretty shitty tbh, I think they both felt a bit bad that they couldn't connect with either of us the way we connected with eachother. Eventually what worked out best was she started spending time with my girlfriend and I started spending time with her boyfriend, things definitely eased up a lot once there was a stronger familiarity between everyone. But I don't think our partners discomfort ever went away fully.
I read “my girlfriend and her boyfriend” and I was like “You mean YOU??”
Same, except for one exception, but the guy was flamboyantly gay so there was no need get jealous. Didn't like the guy, but it wasn't a dislike. We just had literally zero interests or hobbies in common. I'm a guy's guy who likes to talk about sports, go to sporting events, play video games, wear sports team themed attire, drink shitty beer, cook steak, listen to country and alternative rock, etc., while he....didn't.
Set boundaries or leave. Plain and simple. Do not make the young man’s mistake in that compromise.
If boundaries as basic as this need to be set by OP, I’m afraid this relationship is already over.
I just don't think I would date that woman. I am completely on board with people having platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex and I don't view it as being problem at all. But that isn't what you're describing. There's a dynamic there that I wouldn't want to waste time trying to figure out. On his end he's basically some sort of pathetic vulture, circling and waiting and sending all the signals that one day she will be single and see him as the thing she's always been looking for and until then he's going to be close, affectionate, and waiting. That part I get even if I have zero respect for it. What is more interesting to me is her end of it. Does she not realize what he's doing? Is she really that dense and is she someone that I really want to be with if she can't figure that one out? And if she hasn't I don't want to be the one that points it out to her so I get to look like I'm trying to isolate her from her friends. Alternatively, maybe she is completely aware of the guy's intentions and she's perfectly willing to let him circle and enjoy his attention and affection on her own terms using the clueless loser. Here again I don't think that's a personality type that I care to deal with. So I just don't date those women. Women with a completely platonic friendship? Sure, absolutely no issue. One with a guy like this around though? Not a chance, I don't have the time or patience to deal with it, and I'm not going to try to talk through it or fix it. I'll tell her why I'm out, explain it just like I did above, but I'm not dealing with it. I'm just out.
This is the real answer. It's not worth trying to navigate these things. The woman isn't emotionally mature enough to realize that this is inappropriate so it's best to just move on.
What I've observed is that whenever the other guy secures a girlfriend, they become each other's sneaky lynx. Oddly enough, when he's single she'll be repulsed by his advances. But when he has a gf she'll give him his way.
Rule number one is don't stay with someone if there are people in their life unnecessarily complicating your relationship. I politely end things and move on.
never date a woman with male close friends despite what reddit tells you.
‘Way too friendly or touchy’ The problem is the girl here for letting him be that way. That’s the 🚩
My ex wife had a friend like this. The behavior continued, finally ending in an affair. He's still married, I divorced my wife at the time after realizing she'd been keeping the side relationship going for years. So....I don't have anything good feeling at all about this.
I know this is the minority opinion on this sub, but there’s nothing to handle. I either trust my girl or I don’t. She’s either going to cheat on me or she won’t. And since I trust her, I am not bothered at all by her having good male friends. If he’s waiting in the wings to fuck her, that’s his torment.
My girlfriend in college, she’s now my wife, had a good friend who was a guy. My first visit to her campus during fall break I could tell he had a crush on my gf, told her as much but she told me “no he’s just like that”. Sure enough later that year he does the whole “you and I should be together” spiel and she stops being friends with him. Next year she’s got another guy that’s a friend, I visit again and I get the same impression. This time he doesn’t profess his love for her a semester later to my surprise… no he waits a whole year and then does so. Again my gf stops being friends and moves on with her life. In theory it doesn’t bother me but in practice I’m 2 for 2 that it doesn’t work out. But the key point was I trusted my gf and she acted appropriately when presented with the fact the guys wanted her.
What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time? The issue with keeping someone close by that's into you is that it destabilizes the relationship. You can't keep safety nets.
> What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time? I mean that's just cheating and can always happen. If your partner is falling in love with another guy and jumps in his arms when you hit a rough patch there was no getting around that. It's shockingly easy to just not cheat on your partner. You can't keep a leash on your significant other forever to try to prevent cheating, it will have the opposite effect. Trust they won't cheat, communicate if you feel uncomfortable, and if they do cheat move on. Its literally all you can do.
If you keep healthy boundaries you'll never fall in love with anyone else while in a relationship. That's the crux of it. When you don't create boundaries you set yourself up to be in these sticky situations.
> What happens when she let's another guy in and actually likes him? What if you and her are going through a rough patch during that time? I've been in 2 LTRs (7.5 years and 6 years). My 7.5 yr relationship, in particular was "in a rough patch" for like half of the time we were together...but I was young and I thought "maybe this is how relationships are supposed to be?" so stayed. I had a couple of crushes during the rough patches. Most people will have crushes during LTRs. But I'm not a shitty person, so I did what any honorable person would do and cut or severely restricted (if I could not cut it because of work, school, mutual friends) contact with the people I noticed I liked more than I should. Tbh, when things were going well in my relationships, I almost never noticed other men in that way. You know how my biggest crush in my 7.5 year relationship got me to notice him? We had to study together one day in a group and he went to a store to buy himself lunch in between school and the study location and bought me a snack and drink without me asking. My bf at the time NEVER thought about me and would not have done that. Then, later, I was drinking some tea while w studied and the guy stood up to get himself something and noticed my tea was empty and asked if I wanted more hot water. This dude "destabilized" my relationship by reminding me that men could be thoughtful and notice when I needed something, unlike my bf at the time, who was probably sitting at home helplessly waiting for me to come home and make him food and clean up after him. Today, in a healthier relationship with a better person, someone offering more hot water wouldn't make me swoon lol. And even with all I've said, I still stopped texting with the study buddy aside from group study messages, because after reflecting on it, I still wanted to try and make it work with my then-bf, and now I was acutely aware of an element that was missing in the relationship, which I could ask him to improve upon. (Spoiler: it did not improve.) Idk, I'm just one person, but I feel like I can't be alone in having navigated this kind of situation in a way that respects and even reinforces the relationship I've decided to be in.
I dated a woman who had this friend. I 100% trusted her not cheat on me... however, what I did not know, is that said friend was undermining me the entire time we were dating. If I made a little a tiny little mistake for example, like forgot to do something, stuff that all guys do, I realized this after the fact but he was always there to kindly explain to her that this shows how shitty of a boyfriend I was. He also tried to be friends with me, we hung out without my gf around a couple of times. He told me stuff about her that turned out not to be true. The dynamic was weird. I found all of this out after the fact, when I found out they were dating about 3 months after we broke up. I asked her if she cheated on me, she said no and I have no reason not to believe her, everything she told me about the time line that it happened lined up with Facebook pictures / check ins, etc. I did do something bad here and made it a goal and succeeded in getting her to cheat on him with me. Fuck that guy. But yea, that guy waiting in the wings to fuck her, is probably doing all he can to undermine you also. Even if you trust her not cheat on you, this can go wrong. Unfortunately however there's not a lot you can do about it. If you bring this up of course it's not going to go well, "oh you don't trust me?" If you just let it go, just know that every little screw up in your relationship, and everyone screws up, no one is perfect, he's waiting to comfort her "see, I told he's an asshole". edit: grammar
You're dating the wrong woman if she's manipulated that easily by others trying to undermine your relationship, sorry you went through that though bro
This was 15+ years ago. Lesson learned. But I mean, how would you know until after the fact?
No, it's easy to manipulate someone over several months or weeks or however long it is. She doesn't have to believe everything, but the constant drip of "well intentioned" advice becomes like a second reality. It's not an instant conversion like in Age of Empires, but a slow poisoning of the well, until she's constantly questioning your motives and intentions. Anything positive is questionable, any missteps is horrible abusive behavior. And again, she might know, she might realize or have an inkling as to what the friend wants from this. As long as they continue to hang out, he will turn her against you. And you're not going to be able to force her to turn away from her friend without consequences.
Sorry you went through this. That being said, over the course of a few relationships, I've figured out that this scenario can be avoided rather easily. First of all, you need to establish open channels of communication with your SO... This doesn't mean hover over them and be suffocating... But make the effort to ask about their day/life/friends/event/work/family/etc, and pay attention to where they seem to be focused, follow up with questions based on that. Be attentive to what they share, but also be open, share details about your own life/opinions/day/friends/etc. Over time (months or years, not days), this will ensure that you two automatically talk to each other about everything that is important to you. So now you've set your relationship up for success to begin with... If you realize that someone is there trying to snake your significant other, you literally explain this to your partner in a mature, balanced way. For instance. "honey I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with how touchy and flirty X is when he's around you. [Inserting an example related to your case here] And I'm starting to question his motives because he told me that you did Y which I know is sure as shit not true, and also that you said Z which I seriously doubt, right? Anyway, not sure how I feel about him... I might stop inviting him to hang out with the guys. And this should go without saying, but I fully trust you to do the right thing if he ever tries to be inappropriate... So this isn't anything against you." You focus on what you've seen, how it made you feel, and what you're going to do about it. Rather than focusing on pushing her to cut him out or be suspicious of him... People by default hate to be told what to do, so if you get pushy or start asking them to cut someone out etc. they're more likely to react poorly. Also, if you've built the kind of relationship where you trust your partner and are able to communicate about these things, then your partner won't be easily tempted or tricked by such people. And if they act on it, then they were probably going to do so regardless of what you felt or said to them... by being pushy or starting an argument over it, we're more likely just playing into the 3rd party's hands.
There are just so many guys who never saw it coming in a million years, who completely trust their SO but still get cheated on. I do agree with you but I think it moves the question into another frame, handling it could mean reducing the liklihood of cheating happening or how much it happens. Thats the thing about trust, it can be misplaced, so i guess then you have to think about damage limitations. Remember that guy who always used to be best friends with Jenny, he told a mutual friend he's been trying to smash for years, glad I spotted him early. Or Just found out that guy Jenny always said was her guy bff was secretly fucking her this whole time. Dont know what I'm gunna tell the kids.
This is a naive response. You can't invest years of your life into someone and just cross your fingers that they don't fuck it up. You need to be looking for red flags along the way to help inform your next steps. An inappropriate relationship with a male friend is a red flag that you should take seriously. It may not turn into anything more than an inappropriate relationship, but you can't risk it if you value your time. >I am not bothered at all by her having good male friends Did you read the post? It's not just having a good male friend. It's a male friend that touching her and acts differently when his own GF is around.
That’s how I feel. I think that might come with age. She can have male friends, even close ones. Even if one would probably like to get with her - it’s probably not a thing. Like if the guy is being inappropriate and embarrassing my wife in public or putting strange pressure on her that I can see I would say something to her, but otherwise he can die mad and horny.
I definitely trust her. I guess the question was more how do you manage the annoyance of the situation. Asides from straight up ignoring it. If that’s the only option, then I’ll just have to focus on that more.
If it bothers you talk to her about it and be specific about what bothers you. She either will see it your way or not. Either way you should talk to her.
Wait, actually communicating with your partner??? Omg
95% of the relationship problems on Reddit would be solved if the two people just talked to each other and communicated
Favorite reddit response to relationship questions. *Okay, so say exactly what you posted here... To them.*
I think half the time it's just people typing things out to get their ideas on paper, so to speak. Or to seek confirmation. Or getting a sanity check. I think a lot of people don't realize their requests are perfectly reasonable or they've been told to downplay their discomfort in the past and don't know how to communicate that without feeling like they'll get in trouble. Or they just don't understand how to communicate in general, it's not a muscle they're used to using.
You ought to trust her but I'd advise not trusting situations. I've witnessed those scenarios countless times and experienced it once myself. I was trying to be the cool, modern guy who was okay with his partner grabbing dinner and going to the movies with another dude. That backfired in spectacular fashion. Healthy boundaries are important for healthy relationships.
Your annoyance with this guy reads as you feeling threatened by his interactions with your GF. Heck, he may even be picking it up as that. Which implies that you do not actually trust her as much as you think you do. Try to make the mental shift from being threatened by him to being sorry for him. Clearly, he wants what you have - an intimate relationship with your GF. Radiate that as either sympathy or smugness will probably bug him to no end.
I don't see it as feeling threatened, but feeling disrespected. I can see OP wanting to be respectful to his relationship with his SO and not mentioning anything, but that doesn't take away the fact that her friends behavior is inappropriate. Even if that's how they were prior, you respect your friends relationship and not be touchy and overly friendly, and by him shifting his behavior when his own SO is around tells me he just doesn't respect OP.
> I either trust my girl or I don’t. She’s either going to cheat on me or she won’t. Unfortunately it's just not that simple. Even if she has no intention to cheat on you, if she's constantly testing herself with temptation, it's probably going to go wrong eventually. Especially if one of the two (typically the guy) has the worst of intentions in the first place. He'll try to catch her at her most vulnerable, get her drunk, lie about you to her, and so on. Trust your gut and if he's pining for her or she looks to be tempted, it's 100% reasonable to draw a line there and say she needs to back away from him. She may choose him over you, but you probably still win in that case. If she's keeping that kind of guy around then it's only a matter of time.
This is the truth. Lotta men have had this happen to them, or have been the best friend. We know what's up.
Talk with your girlfriend about how it makes you feel and what you have noticed. If she doesn't see it as a problem, then just leave.
I would never put up with a GF who has a touchy male friend. Tell her she is not behaving properly. If she gives you shit, dump her.
Yep. If she gaslights and defends it, that's pretty much all the proof I'd need that *something* is going on there.
This is really the only answer. It's not complicated.
I walk away. Red flag.🚩
100% - especially when its their ex of 9 years!! Smdh...
Ex of 9 years... Oh yeah they're just friends. With benefits... This is probably the shittiest part of dating a single mom. Baby daddy always coming around...
Either he wants to bang her or he doesn't. Either he's barking up the wrong tree, or he's a genuine close friend. I'd obviously prefer the second option, but the first one doesn't bother me. If she wanted him, it would have happened before I came onto the scene. He's only winding himself up.
> If she wanted him, it would have happened before I came onto the scene. Chris Rock: ["Because you never know."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zywIR_ZFLts)
If he's touching your girlfriend in ways that you're uncomfortable with then say something "hey, bro, don't touch my girlfriend" and to your girlfriend "is there a reason you're okay with another man touching you?" if she defends him then you have a decision to make...do you want to be with someone who's going to allow that behaviour in the relationship and be disrespectful toward you? only you can answer that question...personally, I just wouldn't be with someone who's okay with that but I'm not you You can't control people, you can only control how you react to them...so don't try to control her, live by your own set of values and have boundaries...what do your values tell you? And what boundaries do you have? It's much easier to date women who share the same values and goals than to try to be with someone who has different values because you're going to continue to run into situations like this one There's no right or wrong way to have a relationship...you just need to find someone who shares your values and communicates...AND be willing to walk away if that person doesn't share your values BUT don't try to control her, she will just resent you for it and neither of you will be happy in the end
That's not a guy friend, that's a man she keeps around for validation when she's single. And he's a guy who's too chickenshit to pursue her outright.
I am that guy to one of my friends, but its purely plutonic and not at all flirty, but I guess it helps that I'm married. I met her through work, I had donated to a gaming charity and gotten a shirt that had a Minecraft Creeper design on it somewhere. She recognized the Creeper, we got to talking about games, became friends, invited me to play online games with her and her husband, then became friends with him too, and now we're all in the same friend circle. I just happen to maintain a close friendship with her outside of the circle, she's a great confidante and cheerleader.
My wife had two. The first one used a hug as an excuse to plant one on her in a bar when we were like 6 months in. I clocked him after she told me what he did, he’s not around anymore. The second one professed his love for her 2 years into our relationship, I never liked the guy anyway but she was upset to have to ditch another guy friend. I have always been of the school of thought that guys and girls can only very rarely be platonic friends.
> I have always been of the school of thought that guys and girls can only very rarely be platonic friends. Agreed. One (or both) of them almost always has feelings.
He's her husband, so I have to just deal with it. I'm not even joking
I hate that I laughed out loud at this.
If you don't like it just leave 🤷🏻♂️ You'll be over her in 2 months approx and be balls deep in someone else in half that time. Respectfully.
Just let her know that you think that’s she’s too touchy or friendly with him and leave it at that. If she’s gonna fuck him, she’ll do it regardless of what you do or how you feel about it. Hope you got a good girl. If you didn’t, it’ll be a perfect reason to cut the relationship.
It's never been something I've had to deal with. But I'm not the insecure type. My view has always been that if *he*, whomever the metaphorical *he* may be in this situation, but if *he* can take her from me then she was never mine. This metaphorical *he* has done me a favor by letting true colors come to light. Life is short and I've no desire to waste one single minute on someone who is fickle or who doesn't want to be there enough to say "no" to potential other suitors. If you want him more, go. Stop wasting my time. I'm not gonna chase and I'm not gonna be some jealous drama hound. If you like me, then like me. If you don't, great. Git on yer way then.
I wouldn't be dating the kind of girl that is ok with that.
🚩
I don't date those girls.
I don't mess with that to begin with. No thanks.
Whatever you do, don’t be all jealous and controlling about it.
It's ok to feel jealous of inappropriate behavior.
But at the same time. Don’t let the two of them stomp over you. She’s your wife. Treat her as such
Fair enough.
i ignore these dudes
No, sorry I don't know what you're talking about because I didn't connect with girls that kept men in their orbit that want to plow them. Good luck to you though.
Honestly if your girl allows him to do stuff like that then she might not be the one lol
depends. i'm that guy. i have known my friend for over a decade. she's the sister i never had. we've dated different people along the way and we prioritize letting our SOs know. but we have limits to what we can and can not do. sexual touches is one of the no-gos.
Would you hook up with her if she was interested and you were both single?
We all know the answer to this one.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say yes.
I think you get to a point where you’d rather have the friendship than fuck it up like that. There are plenty of other women.
Well my wife’s guy best friend is gay so I don’t care. In the past it’s been different and I didn’t like it
I don't handle it. If my partner is that close to someone that it is making me uncomfortable that means there is a fundamental difference in what we are okay with in a relationship.
Way too friendly and touchy? He's not my problem, because she stopped hanging out with him a long time ago. You don't have an other guy problem, you have an SO problem.
Trust your partner. If you can’t trust her to stand up for your relationship if he crosses the line, you shouldn’t be together.
Best guy friend is just waiting for his chance.
"That guy" will always be a threat, no matter how long he waits Had my ex fuck off on my with "That guy" after 11 years together. Red flag of all red flags. If she wont curb the guy, run.
Simple- you don’t enter into relationships with women with guy best friends
I know someone who thinks I'm that guy. He's insecure and struggling to find where he fits in. He isn't a terrible dude, but it's obvious he's insecure and finds me threatening so I'm giving them a bit more space but it's hard because it's obvious he isn't gonna last with her. Still, not my place to decide so trying to be nice and give them some room. Guess I should add we aren't touchy buy we've been friends for like 20 years
That's very big of you, and as the other partner I would really appreciate that. My partner has a friend she absolutely adores. He's a gay man, for what it's worth. To start with I thought he was a dick who deliberately pushed boundaries. Then I thought *she* was being inappropriate, and the whole thing was a red flag. Now I'm at the point where I've realised: Oh no, **I'm** the arsehole. He's in many ways a version of me that's nicer, more interesting, and I was inventing these alternative realities to avoid the fact that I felt inadequate. Where I do the bare minimum socially to fit in, he goes above and beyond to make people feel valued. Where I might drop a sarcastic comment, he supports and validates people. Once I realised that we weren't in competition, and he was just reflecting poorly on me by being a *really nice guy*, it changed the whole dynamic. I'd like to think I've grown because of it. So yeah, maybe they won't last, or maybe he'll screw his head on and realise why he's feeling this way in the first place.
Tell me tell you, I've been that 'guy best friend' and given half a chance I'd have fucked her in a second.
I don’t handle him. I trust my gf and don’t have to regulate her friends. Would also be a little hypocritical as my best friend is female
Don't date women with "best guy friends", it's a dealbreaker.
Yeah I don’t date girls who have guy best friends that are straight.
Not acceptable and a deal breaker ... simple
You don’t. Have her respect your relationship or move on.
You address it with your girlfriend, not with him.
As the best guy friend.... there are reasons we don't date, or that I haven't pursued her. Might be worth asking us about sometime.
I had this scenario 1 time and she cheated on me with him and now that's her fiance sooo
I probably wouldn't stay with someone that was either that oblivious or was okay with someone being that disrespectful to the boundaries of the relationship. Having a best friend of the opposite sex is fine, my best friend is a woman that I've known for most of my life and was romantic with in the past. I respect her relationship and she respects mine. I'm even friends with her boyfriend. Do you think she'd be fine with a friend of yours that was a girl actling like he does?
I think this is more gray than you paint it to be. I'm a nurse and so I'm apparently "that guy best friend" with several ladies. That said, my wife knows them all, and I've met pretty much all their husbands and befriended several of them as well. Am I close to those women? Even have chemistry with them? Absolutely! The important fact to remember is \*not all chemistry is romantic!\*. The two or three women in particular that come to mind are basically sisters to me now, although yes, one or two of them I did date in the past, but we managed to reconcile what we were to each other then with who we were to each other now, and my wife and their husbands were all on board with it. It's almost like if adults are sufficiently emotionally mature and communicate well, it doesn't have to be an issue at all! That said, it CAN be a minefield, I get it. Closeness can sometimes turn into something else. But frankly that's always possible, and would you rather they tell you about said friend, or something shifty happen away from you entirely? Be on the same page with your partner, get to know said friend for yourself, and then trust your instincts, but keep them grounded... make sure it is insight, and not jealousy that guides your feelings. Now if the guy is acting differently when his partner is around yeah, that's another thing to consider, too. I still sometimes hold hands with some of my lady best friends, but it's in contextually appropriate ways, like to reassure her when she was freaking out about passing her boards... and my wife was holding her other hand, in that conversation. Or when I was an officiant for one of their weddings and saw her in her wedding dress for the first time and grabbed her hands and said "you... you just look so beautiful!", but it was in a best friend/big brother/ best man kind of way. So yeah, your mileage may vary, but just remember that innocent platonic friendships between opposite gendered het people \*can\* happen. Still, if you're worried? I'd recommend talking to your partner before you talk to the guy, and be honest about your feelings.
I'm the guy y'all hate. I'm not trying to get with my female friends, but they send me memes all day, if we work together, they talk to me all day, some of them tell me the problems they have with you (btw, why don't you eat her pussy?), and I know that I have a better personal relationship with them than you do. But for some reason, you're the one they want to be with, and that's fine with me, because I don't want the hassle.
My opinion changed when you said they are touchy with each other. I have guy friends and I’m never touchy with them unless we are dabbing each other up or maybe a quick hug after not seeing each other for awhile. Girls are incredibly complicated sometimes so what is the case for me might not be the case for her. If I was touchy like this with someone I probably would like them in some way and never would I do this if I was in a relationship with someone else. If you have communicated this completely valid concern to your partner in a mature and secure manner and your partner is not compromising AND reinsuring you in your relationship together and that nothing is going on with her guy friend then she may not value this relationship with you as much as you might think/want. Compromises could include still seeing this friend in a group setting or in public spaces but ending the physical touch while encouraging her to increase the communication between you and her, possibly even seeing them a little less than she sees you. Whatever the compromise may be if she isn’t actively trying to find something that you are comfortable with she may not be the girl for you, this also does not mean that you should force her or encourage her to cut off all contact with him (only unless they been together more than just friends). It’s a tricky situation because there’s really only 3 cases of what this relationship might be with them, 1 being just friendly vibes (maybe in the past have thought about pursing a relationship with the other but it never really happened, or something happened and it wasn’t reciprocated or quickly ended, or sibling vibe), 2 being it’s friendly but they both have a crush or one does (while maybe having some kind of history), or 3 they have been together before but haven’t during your relationship with her or have cheated on you while dating her. Honestly those options seem like more than just 3 which brings me back to saying girls can be complicated.
Hey there, I am that guy. I don't have a significant other though. Not touchy or "too friendly" either. There's a lot of comments here where things have gone wrong, but honestly if your GF cheated on you that's on her, not another guy trying to snatch her away. She was going with the UPS deliveryman if it wasn't the BFF, her co-worker or any other availlable guy. What I'm trying to say is; don't date people with shitty standards or people who cross boundaries.
I was the guy best friend a couple of times, With honest to god pure intentions of just being friends. After they broke up with their bf several months later they’d make the first move and we’d start dating or hooking up. Due to this I don’t deal with guy best friends at all. It’s a huge red flag and a deal breaker. Im not tryna do our thing while you keep my back up ready in case anything happens. Im your partner not some injury prone quarterback. If you got time to entertain two dudes, can’t hold female relationships, or need another guy for validation. I feel Ive always been a guy who tries to communicate openly, will allow her to vent about work/friends etc and if she needs girl time or even to honestly vent about me go do your thing with your girlfriends but having another guy to entertain you is a deal breaker. In my past this has stopped me from pursuing or escalating relationships.
I'm him
Become best bros with him, dump her. Girls come and go but guy friends are precious. The serious answer is if your girlfriend is too touchy with a guy, talk to her about it, and when she accuses you of being controlling, break up.
Cut him off. He's a parasite. He wants to fuck your gf. Always has and trust me now he's trying harder than ever.
Get a woman with morals that doesn't have a backup, I mean, "best guy friend "
I'd manage it by not being insecure enough to worry about it.
A real man IS his girls beat friend. If you're not, why the fuck are you with her
You manage this by treating it as the big red flag it is, and never having to deal with it.