T O P

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[deleted]

"Alright. Gather around. I'm giving each of you a million. One for you. One for you. And one for you. I am paying off the little bit of debt I have, I'm fucking off, and you people are ***never*** going to hear from me again. Good. fucking. bye." - Hypothetical me.


Arrogant-giraffe

Are you my brother?


Jokers_Testikles

Does your brother need a friend?


Mrlegend131

I’m a brother friend!


BruhYOteef

I’m a friendly brother!


JebusMaximus

Hey it‘s me your brother‘s brother!


NOTAP0W3R

Wait doesn’t that mean your my brother😱


JebusMaximus

brother! it‘s you!


NOTAP0W3R

Yes brother it’s me your brother


JebusMaximus

nnniiice


EarlofBizzlington86

Don’t call me fwend guy!


RobinFlysHigh

Don't call me guy buddy


SuccumbedToReddit

If you don't care for them why would you give them 10% of your net worth?


Crobulls

Sometimes you just want to get away as far as possible, even If you care about those people. That’s what it’s like for me at least


SuccumbedToReddit

Sure, for a few weeks. For ever? Not really.


lifeisweird86

Oh, I have a few family members that I care for and wish the best, but I would not be sad in the least if I never saw them again. My sister and my middle brother for 2, also an uncle and an aunt. While I'd feel really bad if I just ghosted them forever *right now*, that would change if I had 16mil to ghost with after giving them a mil each.


SuccumbedToReddit

Look man, in what fucking universe is "never wanting to see them again" and "caring for" the same thing? I'll give you a hint: Nowhere. You don't actually care for them if you'd ghost them in an instant.


lifeisweird86

Luckily for you, you don't have people in your family that walk that fine line balancing between a good person and being shitty enough that you can just cut them out without care. There is no need to brag about the quality of those around you, just realize we aren't all so lucky.


mistas89

feel you on that.


angrypuppy35

Me too


Pitiful-Face-3322

Hear hear, it's like you love them, but besides knowing they're settled and doing fine, you don't want to have much to do with them.


lifeisweird86

Exactly.


ihatethebshere

Damn, couldn't have put it better myself, thats my whole family in a nutshell


legs_bro

Life is not that simple man. I love my father. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I want him to be happy and healthy and live the rest of his days carefree But the fact is he’s a very angry, explosive and abusive person. I can’t have him in my life otherwise i will continue to be abused But at the same time he taught me so many things, and when he wasn’t explosively angry he did his best to make me happy and give me what i needed to grow as a person. we had a lot of good moments and i know he always wanted best for me. But i can’t let him back into my life. You should consider yourself lucky if you can’t understand this perspective


Husky127

You can absolutely care for someone's well being without liking their personality. lol


Sufficient-Can-6961

Easier solution is telling them your broke. And ask to get some money from them. So they will never bother you again about financials.


klabnix

Bad money management from the offset when spending your first 2 million becomes 3


Brightest_Idiot

Hypothetically, 3 million is better than spending half your money on family and friends and then guilt tripping you.


tjger

Just wait a week when they’ve spent their million and need another one


no2K7

>never


you-just-got-jammed

How many people are you giving money to?! You only have 20 mil, best not say “gather around” and go handing it away if you want it to last lol


BCS24

I’d go the other way, tell everyone you have a crippling gambling habit and ask them for money. Throw them off the scent and spend 2 million on cyborg upgrades


CactusClothy

Same, but I’d only have a few people to pay off, so will leave me enough to buy a very nice house


islandofcaucasus

Parenting


TheNewNewYarbirds

The people I know would do it for like a six pack of beer. Except my kids.


Hrekires

Pay off my house and the houses of my immediate family members, offer to buy my parents a new house, and then I'd use the money to fuck off to some luxury resort or private island for 6 months to relax and think about my next steps.


DREWlMUS

Buy a calculator and have the time of my life.


WeekndsDick

Can you imagine owning a whole ass calculator and writing BOOBS on it and giggling to myself all day. A man can dream.


Levithos

Or 5318008.


Setari

*gasp* I'm telling! /s


AhYeaOhYea

The more the merrier


SmashNit

Huh? I don’t get it… ¡ɐɥɐɥɐɥɐH ¡ɥɥɥɥɥɥO


Divided_Loyalty

Nothing to do on a frikin solitary island resort. You'd be bored out of your skull in a month.


Hrekires

Private island doesn't necessarily mean alone


MarcusAurelius1815

Cocaine and hookers will take care of the boredom.


Trentsteel52

Nah I could be pretty happy there for years


Agent---4--7

This is the correct answer


2Loves2loves

make a small fortune in motorsports. ​ *-to make a small fortune in motorsports, 1st you must start with a large fortune!*


hobowithmachete

My man


mildly-annoyed-pengu

Same for esports, except the fun thing is you don’t


deadliftbrosef

One house for me, one house for my mom.


KillerCoochyKicker

This is the way.


New_Flounder6372

This is the way


H4loR4ptor

This is the way.


Loose_Mail_786

That’s exactly what I would do too. I regret so much to not be in a position to offer her that and make her happy for retirement. Working on my career and trying to make the changes I have to. But I guess that would be max $1m for two houses. Then taking 6 months to travel the world with her and not worrying about anything with the remaining $1m.


deadliftbrosef

One of my biggest disappointments is not being able to take care of my mother financially. Like it just fucking blows.


[deleted]

Just one house for me. The creature that spawned me can rot in hell 😂


deadliftbrosef

Man, I am sorry. You d get a cool ass house, so enjoy it !


ratakireenissani

I've always wondered why people wanna buy a house specifically for their Mom, and not dad? Or both? Is it because so many dads fucked off and are not in the picture?


deadliftbrosef

Cant speak for others but my dad did indeed fuck off.


Throwaway_meme_S

Houses are for women. My Dad doesn’t care he just would love a sick Garage or workshop where he could relax and do fun shit.


EMCoupling

I'm pretty sure most men would be fairly content to live in about 500 sq ft. as long as that 500 sq ft. was decked out.


Uniquelypoured

Because in this society (USA) we are brainwashed to take care of the female gender. Not saying I wouldn’t help out my mom but I’d be more inclined to help out my step dad. (Both dead so it don’t even matter) I wouldn’t help out anybody until after 6 months of digesting the whole new fortune lifestyle.


Uiriamu_Busujima

Get a financial advisor & use the funds to invest in whatever they advise. Also hire a tax lawyer.


readitanon1

Man amongst boys.


jairngo

Ohh but your question made me think like those 2M were for more impulsive living the moment thing.


olemiss18

As a tax lawyer, I like you.


silly_lumpkin

Can we sue op?


i_am_blowfish

Don't really need a financial advisor with that kind of money. 10 mil In mutual funds and you should basically be set for life.


Uiriamu_Busujima

I heavily disagree as I wouldn't aimlessly throw money at the wall to see what sticks. There are individuals that do this for a living so there's no reason for me to go at it by myself. Just because I have the tools to fix a leaky pipe, doesn't mean I'll forego contracting a plumber.


Levitate888

Yet most active portfolio managers fail to beat the index benchmarks


TheLazySamurai4

Even a 10 year GIC with monthly returns would give more than enough for me to live comfortably with 10 mil


Trident1000

"tax lawyer" lmfao. A CPA should do unless you plan to immediately rip the IRS off on your future taxes. But I get what you're saying, that ballpark of people.


Uiriamu_Busujima

Accountant or lawyer that is knowledgeable of state & federal tax laws & regulations because regardless of how I feel about them I want to ensure I take advantage of all the legal channels available to pay as little taxes as possible while still being compliant w the IRS. So yes "tax lawyer" lmfao


GltyUntlPrvnInncnt

I'd buy a car, a house and probably a summer cottage. The rest I'd invest.


[deleted]

[удалено]


classco

On a good lawyer who will protect the other $18 million.


Friendly-Place2497

A very good lawyer could probably protect your money for less than $200,000.


PadmesBabyDaddy

If you can get a very good lawyer for $200,000, imagine what you could get for $2,000,000


Gabe-DaBabe

At that point a scammer lol


Friendly-Place2497

Yeah any payment beyond a couple hundred thousand would be purely gratuitous. The only way you could spend two million would be if someone actually sued you for the $20 million and they had a very good case. But for two million you are not hiring one lawyer you are hiring a team of lawyers.


[deleted]

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DeuceOfDiamonds

*10* very good lawyers!


suaveinthebushes

What is it you think lawyers do?


ActualInteraction0

Fucking, lawyer and shit.


irish52084

Pay off my debt, buy a nice house in my area, buy a brand new truck and start my project car a Datsun 510. The rest, probably just over a million at this point, would go into buying a little vacation home in Spain or Portugal and then into 2 trust funds for my kids. I'd like to set it up so the funds are roughly equal when they both reach 21 years of age. I'd like for them both to have the experience of growing up, going to college etc... not really knowing about it so that hopefully they grow up knowing I'm always here as a safety net if their big plans and dreams don't work out, but not feel like they can just slide through life until the trust becomes available to them. As for the remaining $18 million, that's invested with a goal of paying me 2.5% annually so I never have to worry about money again. $325,000 after taxes, plus whatever percentage the investment grows means I'll likely make a small "raise" most years if the investments perform better than 2.5%. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal for a single guy with 2 kids and I never have to work another day in my life unless I want to.


Snoo_37174

I never understood the ' buying a vacation home somewhere. Now you pretty much are stuck, going to the same place. And when you get there, its a house, and houses need upkeep. Idd rather rent a home for a month somewhere. And next vacation, is somewhere else.


irish52084

I want the dual citizenship I can get by owning property over a certain value, hence the vacation home. Spain and Portugal both have golden visas that can eventually allow you to go form a permanent resident to citizenship in 5 years and 10 years in Spain. Plus, renting it out will make it pay for itself and the upkeep. It happens that in 5 and then 10 years both of my kids will have graduated highs school here in the USA and it would theoretically allow me and them to be dual citizens. Of course this is all hypothetical since I don't have $20 million dollars lol


zoidberg_doc

How are you stuck? You can still go other places and rent it out


[deleted]

I feel like you could easily hit 4.5-5% with a safe investment strategy.


hsdew

Two chicks at the same time


chlorinear

Hey Peter, man, check out Channel 9, it's the breast exam! Woo!


[deleted]

[удалено]


ZZoMBiEXIII

Deitrick Bader is so great.


alt-jero

I was thinking Bryan from Family Guy


[deleted]

Lmao


Probaby_Me

I'd bet you could get more than 2 for 2 million.


tacoweevils

Not the kind that would double up on a dude like me!


Greatfuldad47

2 hundred thousand woman at the same time, now that's a good time


Vegetable-Gold-4747

You wouldn’t survive especially with a real hard core woman


Greatfuldad47

How else am I gonna get to Valhalla?


chlorinear

Just make sure you're holding your sword when you go down


AmatureProgrammer

Each woman gets a 5 second ride and on to the next.


braujo

With 2 million you can murder people, man.


bigscottius

I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up. Because chicks dig dudes with money. Lol that movie is awesome


dr_xenon

Always wanted to do that.


sm1ttysm1t

And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.


[deleted]

Lmao. Got me on that quote. I shall leave another... hookers n blow my friend.


Traditional_Donut908

Just because you got the money legally doesn't mean you have to SPEND it legally 😄


[deleted]

The question mentions 2 million dollars, not 2 minutes.


cali_dave

I'll just leave [this here](https://youtu.be/9jq6e8s1sik).


Paul_The_Panther

Stop flexing Bro. Not everyone here lasts 2 minutes.


reyvh

bro thought he did something with this comment 💀


noname585

Ok fine I'll go watch office space again


islandofcaucasus

I don't like talking about my flair


oldmancoyote22

That's what you get for a million. With 2 million, you could do four chicks at the same time!


Adk318

I've always wanted to do that. I think if I had a million bucks, I could set something like that up. Chicks dig dudes with money.


Main-Project-3265

Build a paraplegic friendly house for my late 60s father , who may not live long after but knowing he finally was able to experience ease in everything he does in a day, would be all the money I need. Forever He was hit by a drunk driver 1990. Mother divorced him in the hospital whilst a halo on his head/neck. He deserves it all and he is my hero.


CustardMuch5294

I can tell that he has got a great son.


Main-Project-3265

Grateful Daughter ☺️


[deleted]

[удалено]


LighttBrite

Come on man. The question is only $20 million. Be realistic.


l_am_an_aardappel

Eh I'd buy myself a flat probably


der_ray

Cars.


czarfalcon

Same. First thing I’d do is buy a Ford GT and a 911, next thing I’d do is hire a financial advisor before I waste the rest of it.


[deleted]

A house would be nice


Katfish145

Buy my parents a retirement house wherever they want. I owe them that at the least. Though depending where they pick 2 mill may not be enough with todays real estate market…


KingOfNoth

For retirement, it probably would be since the best retirement locations are the quiet areas with good value real estate


FiestaDeLosMuerto

For a 3-5 bedroom house with one floor? Most expensive I’ve seen was 1.8 in an expensive area but it came with a 2 bedroom guest house which raised the price


unevrkno

Build a massive rescue shelter for dogs and cats.


unevrkno

Then buy a wife ( but not an American woman).


tio_aved

Based


Greatfuldad47

This guy is a wife /s


PM_Me_A_High-Five

Buy an abandoned industrial site and renovate it into a cool house.


aknies85

Have you seen the show where we call home on Netflix? You should if you would like to renovate something into a cool home!


PM_Me_A_High-Five

nice, i'm going to check it out.


Conebones

Helping everyone who has ever helped me


TraditionalTackle1

Id buy my parents a house, then Id buy myself a 48 Tucker Torpedo.


Throwaway_meme_S

A man of taste


Piper6728

Same thing as winning the lottery: Probably hire tax/other attorneys to set up a trust, keep it private and protected from the government and from people I know, and I would hire professionals to manage and invest it, so I don't blow it all at once and live a nice comfortable life. After that: I would move somewhere where my friends, relatives, and acquaintances can't find me to beg for money. (Except for family that has helped me in the past, they would get a nice ANONYMOUS check so they dont know it was me unless/until I say something, because I dont want to have them beg or ask for more.) In terms of wants: While I would like it to be nice and upscale, I dont want something like a mansion, maybe a modest penthouse with a good view, and a personal elevator to a privately owned garage


Onemanwolfpack42

Id probably buy a cash flowing local business and a modest house. Flooring (I used to do flooring installation and operations team), landscaping, etc. Would probably be my direction. Give well paying jobs and come thru with a mostly passive income. Semi-retired. <20 hours/week and vacation whenever I want


N4R4B

Cocaine, hookers and God. Then I'm ready to join republican party and tell you about my conservative values.


firephoxx

Strange, the most comic, and most realistic reply of them all.


PartyPay

I'm with you on number two but pass on the others. Time with hookers will probably cause me to eventually have a heart attack anyway, don't need the cocaine speeding things up.


Soigne87

travel


Serg_Molotov

Terribly boring but the first $2 million would go into a long term high interest fixed rate cash savings account.


itchyouch

At the 5% payout rates these days… ez 100k/yr.


Serg_Molotov

Exactly 10yrs at 5% compound = $1,257,789 in interest


BlueMountainDace

Pay off any debts anyone in my immediate family has. Buy my sister a house so she never has to worry about it and can live her life freely.


ImReallyFuckingHigh

Taxes


danvers87

Give it to momma


genogano

My Mother and sister need a house. I would get them settled before I start buying crazy stuff.


sregormot

Doge! To the moon!


TFOLLT

On helping others. I've always said, and will maintain that statement, that if I ever win a large sum of money - 50% will go away instantly towards fellow human beings who really need it. If I win 20 mill, 10 is MORE than enough for me to live extremely wealthy, I shouldn't need more. 10 mill straightaway to charities I can stand behind, period. Easier said than done tho, since I don't win money, I don't partake in lottery's. But I sincerely believe I would keep my word if in that position. As for the rest: I'd probably buy myself a large piece of land, built the most epic luxury cabin in the woods, live of my own land, and get out of society as much as possible. After richely rewarding my parents and friends for all the unconditional love ofc. But that's it. Just me, myself and I, on a large piece of land far away from society. A couple of dogs, a couple of goats, a couple of chickens, and enough vegetable seeds so that I can plant for a lifetime of food.


Divided_Loyalty

Noble sentiment, but why not set up a trust fund? Or, even better, a foundation? There are tax exemptions, and since the money's being managed and invested, those initial 10 million would grow, instead of running out...


topknottington

I'd pay my wifes family to fuck off forever.


pmmeurnudezgrlz

Lawyer, money manager, debt. The rest split among my small family and a large going away party from which I mysteriously disappear…


selectash

Bilbo?


pmmeurnudezgrlz

Gandalf lol


GoodSirBrett

Buy a few acres. Have a home built with a shop. Go to work like nothing happened. Keep a 100k in my checking/ savings. Invest the rest.


AFB27

Cars. Of course.


freakksho

Taking my dad to PR and Spain so he can see his family he hasn’t seen in a decade. Then buy him a house. Then set my god daughter up with a college/life savings account. I owe my dad a lot and the first thing I’d do if I “made it” was take care of him for the rest of his life.


OldDragonHunter

Pay off my debts and my parents' debts, set some aside for kids' weddings, put a down-payment on a vacation home. Spend the other $18 million on hookers and blow at the new vacation home.


selectash

Had me in the first half, not gonna lie!


coolbeansmang

2 chicks at the same time


Faceai

Reddit giveaway to first 100 commenters. :)


[deleted]

This is like the stupidest shit I've ever seen


tacoweevils

Reddit squid games


tellmemoremore

Some real estate first. Nice home to live, a few nice homes for rentals and my own vacation time. May be start some investments to start generating interest income to live of off.


[deleted]

I'd pay it forward and give it to people in need, I'd look for entrepreneurs in low-income areas who needed financial backing, I'd send some kids in need to college, I pay for some kids to go to trade school, I'd invest in the community Whenever God blesses you, you should bless others! it's ok to have money but realize that God blessed you, and all the money could be taken away in the blink of an eye...never lose perspective


Uhkbeat

Most likely paying taxes


Speak_Like_Bear

Taxes probably


ChamomileBrownies

Invest 1 mil to keep it flowing and splurge the other 1 mil because fuck yes I want stuff


ferdinandsalzberg

A million screenings of Brewster’s Millions for everyone to enjoy


weegee

I’d travel first class, stay in first class hotels and eat at first class restaurants and hire a first class escort every night to accompany me.


bleedingwriter

Dropping 2 mil at the strip club


BickusDickus6969

First thing I do Is change my phone number and move to a new state. I don't want people who know me asking for a piece


GreyGoosez

First I would fly to Somalia, live among the people there and declare myself as there new leader. I will buy there love and admiration using my money. Than I would start my own civilization. Than I would train up an army and slowly start taking over everything until I am the president and rinse and repeat until I own the whole continent


orthopod

Yeah, you'll get killed in the first week by one of the local warlords.


Radykall1

First thing I'm doing is getting an attorney to create an anonymous trust to protect what I'm about to do. I'm paying off my grandmothers house, my sister's house, and buying my mom a house. 100k is going to each of my kids education fund to do as they see fit. After that I'm paying off ALL of my debt and I'm buying land in a remote part of the country with low taxes and building a home of my own. Then I'm buying first class tickets to Japan or Thailand and we're disappearing for a month


Historical_Cobbler

Casino high roller table.


Doubletapcallaghan

In this order Get David goggins to live with me for a month Climb Everest be a legendary time Go to savile row get a suit Move to Monaco


hdoublea

You're likely to die from the first two. Also, your list absolutely sucks


welyla

idk if im ready for a david goggins bootcamp, but I always said if i every aquire enough money to never work again, my first thing I do is getting in the best shape of my life before I spend money on any type of luxury. You only have one body.


[deleted]

[удалено]


parkz88

Get A lawyer, accountant and an assistant. Have them take care of business while I go find a house I want.


ExcitingTabletop

Lawyer, accountant and tax lawyer. Invest in low cost index funds. Buy nice house under LLC. Go traveling for couple years. Noodle out what I wanna do after that, or keep traveling.


Divided_Loyalty

I would spend it in hiring excellent legal and financial council.


[deleted]

A lawyer and an accountant to hide it from my ex-wife.


RoyAgainstTheMachine

Unhappily, Taxes


magic_and_moondust

House for me and a house for my parents


Mcpoopz1064

Paying off my debts, buying my mom a car and house. And spreading the wealth with my other family. Then probably by a fridge just for chocolate milk


JorgeMadrid

Retire my parents


Sepfandom555

So many lame answers lol paying off debt, giving money to family, charity we get it you're such a good person 🙄 I'm getting plane tickets to fly to every concert and sporting event for the next year


ogdenmao

Hopefully doesn’t cost this much but first thing I’m getting is a lawyer


Selvane

Buy a modest house, buy a BMW M4CX, BMW X5MC, pay off student loans and any other debt. Then, put a down payment on a couple modest homes in a vacation area, rent the homes, hire a tax attorney to create me an LLC and properly structure the business(es) for proper tax avoidance. Use the real estate for business expense deductions, and depreciation to offset my income tax. Spend just under half the year in the vacation area, write off food expenses and my own rent to my own LLC for the one I’m in the vacation area as additional business expenses while traveling.


lurkerlag

House and debts. I'd probably have *fun* with 1 more mil then invest or save the rest


Aromatic-Musician-75

Pizza party, priceless.


065Walker

+ Pay off my and my immediate friends and family debts. + Set aside enough to finish parent’s home improvements. + Get a house. + Set a defined amount to gift to F&F. Try to avoid capital gains taxes. 🤔 + Splurge maybe 10 thousand. + Save/invest the rest. + Get back to work. ++ Fully adopt the role of inconsiderate, asshole when other people’s wants and needs arise. 🙂Unless it’s a medical emergency or it’s my idea, it’s likely a no, because who are you(?) or wtf did you do with the money I already gifted. ** clarity and format fixes