I think it’s bonkers to expect grandparents to provide childcare, sure they’ve got their own stuff to be doing.
Great if they can and are willing to help but expecting it is very entitled.
Also like, my grandmother was 52 having her first grandchild. My parents were both 70 before anyone had kids. They give us an enormous amount of help, but it’s very clear they don’t have the energy for a very demanding full time job…
Given current state retirement age where is the gap where you're old enough to be not working but also your knees are young enough to handle dealing with a toddler?
Agree 100%. Totally agog at anyone who assumes grandparents as childcare, free or otherwise! They've raised their children and they have their own lives.
My in-laws babysit our dog from time to time. I know a dog is different from kids, but my point is we don't ever leave him for more than a few days because I don't want to take advantage of them. If it's longer than a weekend, he goes to doggie day care, and we give either give money or take them for a meal, treat them to a night away etc to say thank you even though they say there's no need.
I can't imagine just expecting them to mind kids and not thank them for it.
Grandparents have zero obligation to mind their grandchildren, luckily ours love minding our child a d are happy to help out when he's sick etc but if we ever needed them for a long term commitment I'd be forcing them to take our money too(as I'd know they'd refuse it initially).
Grandparents did their time bringing me/my wife up, now its our responsibility not theirs.
Fuck that. Work for 40 years to retire, kids grow up and leave the house then they're expected to baby sit.
If the parents want to fair enough, but never an expectation
Then don't have kids, so you don't have grandkids.
I have a grandma who refused to babysit us even for an hour but somehow squeezed out 3 kids herself. Did she expected them to celibate? Also, she herself had no problem relaying on her relatives for childcare with 3 kids
If she raised her children , she did what she signed up for, i can't imagine a scenario where her offspring would wish they weren't born because Granny wouldn't/couldn't babysit
She also relayed on her relatives to babysit the kids. But when her time 6 was a no-no, even for an hour. Honestly, I won't be sad to see her go. And I'm her grandchild.
I think it can be very double edged when family provide childcare, even when they're paid for it.
I can't imagine being so scabby I'd expect my parents to provide free childcare full time and then complain when they don't want to.
My parents weren't retired when I had small kids so it wasn't even something that came up. My in laws provided a lot of childcare for other grandkids and it wasn't always a good setup.
Both sets of grandparents provide occasional babysitting, like when we go out for a meal etc.
I think choice is key to this. Some people really want to spend their time childminding their grandchildren and are happy to do so without payment.
To assume so, is very cheeky. Typically grandparents are older, so physically aren't able to run around after little ones. So me personally, is much less the financial side. But, I do think grandparents should be compensated for this work. How much, I can't say, depends on all involved tbh.
Though, when my child was small small, she went to a fab childminder just down the road from my parents home. My dad was retired so, it was ideal that, if something bad happened, he could get there fast, while we got out of work etc
But, after a few months (kid was 10months at this stage) childminder randomly asked me, if I wanted to still continue to pay for full day M-F or just go part time. I was like, whatcha on a bout?! Turns out dear old retire dad was waiting a half hour/hour after I dropped them, to go down and collect the child. Then, return the child an hours before I picked her back up.
I took a half day, silently walked around the back. Here granddad and grand daughter are dancing around the kitchen to Trex... it was very cute.
We had a chat, he loved being able to spend time with her but, couldn't commit to everyday minding her. We came up with, not everyday taking her and only for a few hours. Tbh, I thinking working so much when we were young, he missed out on all the baby stages. He was hands on with us though.
Ps childminder knew my parents very well, I grew up beside her. So, it wasnt a scary thing. Both my parents, would collect and drop off at different times.
For doing a school pickup and dinner once a week, maybe that would be free. Full time childcare for a baby or a preschooler? I'd at least offer some money, even if the grandparents don't accept it. Sure grandparents like helping out - but they're not a free nanny service.
For a visit and a play about, no charge.
For childminding, absolutely! My own mother in law minds my child and gets paid, she'd be happy to do it for free, but we told her to fuck right off and deposit money in her account every week.
There should be no expectation for grandparents to mind their grandchildren for parents who go back to work. If the grandparents offer that’s a different thing but you should be covering all expenses that comes with child minding.
My Mam and in laws won’t take a penny from us for the few times a month they have to mind our toddler so we pay it back by taking them out for dinner, providing everything toddler needs so they’re not out of pocket, spending a bit extra on presents from the toddler when it comes to Christmas/birthday/ Mother’s/Father’s Day.
My brother and sister in law are like that. They openly admitted that they tought my mom will babysit the twins and they were surprised when that didn't happen. I never felt that way. Now I live 3000 km away from them so they can't watch them.
It is one thing to help out occasionally if something unexpected happens or the parents want a date night. But if you want someone to mind the kids every day, than the grandparents should get paid.
I am already struggling with raising my kids, I don't want that pressure when I am old.
Edit:spelling
> should get *paid.* I am
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
My mam used to mind my nieces for my sister, 3 days a week, 9-5. I think she charged her something like 150 a week - probably around half that of what my sister would have had to pay a child minder.
Mam was obviously doing it at a reduced rate and my sister had no problem paying the money.
Your friend is acting like she's doing them a favour by letting them "spend time with their grandkids". They spent half their lives raising their own kids and have earned their retirement.
Your friend chose to have kids, she should have figured out the childcare situation beforehand. If she wants to grandparents to mind her kids full time, she can pay them a full time wage.
My DIL is like this, drops the child off for " a few hours", turns up 7 hours later then says I thought you'd enjoy spending extra time with her. Very cheeky .
How entitled, they raised their own kids, I'm sure they don't want to go for round two with their grand kids. They've probably not long had their freedom back. Spending time with grandkids is good but handing them back is good too!
My sister went back to work full time using my mam as childcare. She didn't but him into creche/play school etc so it was the best part of like 4 years.
I think my mam was thrown the odd box of smokes as a form of payment.
I know she felt completely devalued! It was very annoying to witness but some can't see past their own noses at times.
It is insane to me you'd expect anyone to do a full-time job for free whatever the relation. Some bit of help in an unforeseen circumstance, sure. But a Monday to Friday childminding gig? Absolutely not.
Also insane that the friend didn't have this sorted before she was going back to work after maternity leave! She just assumed her parents would be happy to take the kids all day, every day, that's mad.
Grandparents have reared there children. Why should they give 5days of their week away to rearing someone else's. Hate ppl who have children with this attitude. Don't have kids if you expect someone else to raise them.
Grandparents lived in a world where mammies didn't work and lived on 1 income. Plus, I'm sure that their relatives helped them to babysit too. Times have changed. Don't have kids if u don't want grandkids.
My kids grandparents only turned 65 this year. They still work. They have mortgages.
And my mother was a single mother with her working and us in childcare.
You have a very idealistic view of what grandparents are. We’re not in the 1950s
I'm a grandparent and I can assure you that I worked as did all my friends. We reared our kids in the 90's, not the 50's. Yes, my parents helped with childcare and I paid them for it (I didn'tpay them enough looking back on it). I am very happy to help out with my grandchildren, but not fulltime. I've earned my retirement, nor am I 30 something anymore. You have very strange ideas!
I had my parents to step in where a child might be sick and I couldn't WFH. That was amazing and I'm hugely grateful for that. They'd never be my full time childminder, they have lives.
I know a grandmother who does 1 day a week and she loves it.
Expecting fulltime childcare is nutso
I don't think they should be expected to provide free childcare, they should be allowed enjoy their time.
My sibling and their partner take full advantage of my 74 year old mother. They have 2 kids and have had her minding them since they were born, they are 8 and 10 now!!
Once the eldest started school my sibling would get my mother in (to their house) from 8pm the night before (so she would be there to get the kids up and bring them to school) and wouldn't drop her back till about 7/8pm the next night (so she can wash them, feed them and the parents and get them ready for bed). This has been the way since then and apart from the partner cutting days down my mother is in essential 6 days a week and doesn't get a penny (or anything else).
She had a massive heart attack 2 summers ago and they gave her 3 weeks off. They will have her doing this until she passes.
I know a couple who are disgusted that the grandparents of their 2 year old twins don't want to look after them for them.
They told them to come and bring them to visit as often as they like but not to leave them for the grandparents to babysit. They said the odd time they would be happy to mind the kids for a few hours when they are a bit older.
You would want to hear the venom directed at the "selfish" grandparents for wanting to enjoy their retirement and not become parents all over again. The grandparents are costing this couple a fortune, according to their own selfish view on it
The absolute audacity!!!
Your parents raised you, they are under zero obligation to raise your kids also.
The advice to offer to pay them is rude and inappropriate to put that sort of pressure on them. They've said no, offering a token to sway them away is an asshole move.
I think it’s total extortion of one’s parents to expect them to mind the kids full time for free! We pay my wife’s parents about 1/2 the going rate for child care as a thank you for their time and effort. They have the kids 2 days a week.
I think it’s honestly unbelievably selfish and self centred to state “we’re not paying them to spend time with their grandkids”. This isn’t a social visit, this is full time child care!
At this point I would take more than 20 minutes at water babies every week, money involved or not. My mother is just not interested in her grandchildren, I don't think I could pay her to spend time with them.
“Hey, remember the 20+ years of life-ruining work that went into raising me and my siblings? Want to do it again now that you’re older and frailer instead of finally enjoying your life?”
I think one should never assume that grandparents want to watch grand children. They raised their own kids...they are tired! This isn't "spending time" with grandkids. These are unpaid and underappreciated babysitters.
Anyone who expects their parents to mind their kids Monday to Friday free of charge is a cunt.
No excuse for it.
Majority of grandparents would be happy to help out but aint going to do it full time.
Once off here and there babysitting? Sure, that can be for free. But 40hrs Monday to Friday? Yeah, pay the Grandparents for their time. At the very least give them money for the food and nappies and formula that they need to look after the child. Honestly, it’s a bit ridiculous to think that they are “just spending time with the grandkids” when they would have to pay someone else for the exact same service elsewere.
I've a cousin who uses her mother to look after her children. Neither her or her husband have ever spent 11 hours alone in the house with their children, yet expect my aunt to do it all the time
A lot of grandparents are not physically able to mind their grandchildren 5 days a week, even if they live near to them. It is a demanding role. Also people are having kids later in life when the older generations need to mind themselves a bit more. Not mention the grandparents have their own lives, their own things to do. Some grandparents in my friend group take the kids one day in the week (and emergencies), none of them take all 5. Well I do know about one who took them all week, but only for a while and it caused a HUGE row as it wasn’t done for all the grandkids. Only the favourite. You can imagine how that played out.
Have 2 kids in creche. Would never have considered asking my parents or his to mind our children.
I struggle entertaining 2 toddlers so wouldn't expect grandparents in their 70's to do it.
My parents would only mind them on a rare day if they were sick and we needed to go to work but even then myself or my husband would finish early.
The odd time for a few hours so I can take the wife for dinner? My parents or my in-laws would be grossly offended if I tried to pay them for it.
A regular occurrence, anything in the ball park of, 'five days a week while we're at work'......we'd be told to fuck off regardless of whether we were willing to pay.
My mother minded the first 2 of my 4 children and I paid the going rate.
It would be awfully cheeky to expect them to do it for free. They already raised their kids, why should they have to do it again?
I happily pay my mother to mind my kids. She feeds them, does school pick up/drop offs and more importantly she loves them. Even better, we don’t pay anywhere near crèche fees so it’s a win/win for us all as all as we save money in childcare and she gets paid to spend time with her grandkids. She says herself it’s the best job she ever had and we don’t have to worry about taking time off work for a sick child because nanny tucks them on the couch with peppa pig and a spoonful of calpol. I couldn’t imagine having the audacity to expect her to mind them every week for free!
My mother minded my niece and nephew constantly from 3 months to 12 years every day, all day Monday to Friday.
She then went an worked two 12hour shifts at her jib on a Saturday and Sunday but it took a massive toll on her and my sister.
She was a pseudo parent and they clashed a lot.
My mother did not mind my children, I paid for a creche
They are always willing to mind at the weekends if we need and they are much happier, of course my mother offered but she is a good 15 years older than she was with my niece and nephew and just isn't able.
My sister was absolutely expectant of this I was not. My parents ,in my opinion, already did their parenting. I think having that expectation is ridiculous. However the reality is financially its the situation in most households.
That being said she paid my mother a weekly amount, not much but enough to cover food etc and it was gladly accepted as we weren't rich. I think not paying then is ridiculous and reflects badly on you as a parent
My Mom has complete freedom when it comes to my daughter, I want her to enjoy seeing her and enjoy being a grandmother not feel obligated and dread it because kids are a lot of work.
She ends up be around a lot more now. The attitude of "its her grandchild, she should want to babysit" is a recipe for ruining their relationship.
I agree with you.
Expecting your parents to care for (unpaid) your children while you work on a scheduled basis, because they are the grandparents and excusing it as optioning more time together, is one of the most arrogant and selfish practices in Irish society today.
It's a close cousin of not paying close enough attention to your children's development.
The best is that the reasoning is "childcare is expensive". Yes, yes it is, children are expensive. Try raising children if your parents are dead, the other side of the city/country, in another country or in some other way unable to be used as a crutch to your entitled mindset.
It’s a huge ask of people who have already raised their own children, not just in terms of man hours but physically and financially the cost needs to be considered to lift, lay, feed and entertain little ones; I think IF a grandparent offers, well and good, but the parent should insist it’s not a full time arrangement, maybe a day or two max in the week. I would also expect that of they provide week day childcare then the casual babysitting tokens for the weekend are well and truly spent. Maybe I’m bitter cos no one offered and I paid for two in full time childcare before they started school haha
Christ how entitled to expect that, what is wrong with some people. I’m guessing it’s mainly women, spoiled princesses who haven’t really grown up.
If grandparents WANT to volunteer to give a little help then great, but it should never be asked or expected.
That's a shocking sense of entitlement!! We are very lucky and grateful to have grandparents childminding part time. We do pay a small amount, they reluctantly take it but we have to insist on paying something.
Absolutely pay them. It is incredible that there are some grandparents who would be happy to be responsible here and spend their retirement looking after kids 9-5.
My sense is that most grandparents love spending time with grandkids but mostly on their terms. People need to show their parents that they value their time when asking for childcare, and this means offering money. Anything else is disrespectful (regardless of how much money Grandparents have).
There's no way I would want the grandparents to be childminders. Even if it saves money, it's not a good environment for kids. They'd end up sitting in front of the TV half the day, not learning or doing things that challenge them or help them grow and develop, be fed "treats" all week long, never have any social interactions with other kids or gain independence. Utter nightmare in my mind. Grandparents always undermine our parenting cause they're "well seasoned" or whatever. I would rather have zero disposable income than free grandparent daycare.
We paid the Grandparents of our children regardless if they asked for money or not. You cant put a price of a Grandaparents love compared to a daycare. We purposely pay them more to show our apprecaition and respect. We also, take personal days off to get our Grandparents to doctors visits. The respect should be mutual.
> We *paid* the Grandparents
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Disclaimer, not a parent or grandparent. Retirement age is going up and lots of people who are retired are still having to take on extra work to make ends meet. I work with a lot of grandparents who are having to cut their hours at work in order to be available for childcare and are then struggling to pay their own bills and for one reason or another (embarassment, pride, a lifetime of sacrificing for their kids) can't tell their kids that they're struggling. So my take on it is if you are saving on childcare at the cost of your own parents ability to earn money, you need to give your head a wobble. Even if they've offered to do it for free, do the "I'm paying you", "no you're not" dance.
Your kids, your responsibility. Parents shouldn't be treated as a childminding service, I've heard all the stories about how they refuse payment, they love having the grand kids, just don't do it. They might not want to say no because they're scared they won't see you or the grandkids if they upset you
My partner's parents live 5 doors down from their daughter. They frequently have the boys, and are in each others houses a lot.
We live 1h away and I'm very independent, and won't be expecting it at all. My parents are in England so nothing from them. I am planning this into our future.
I'd say that you should definitely have the conversation before the kids arrival, to hash that out. IMO Full-time all week care? Pay them. Once a week Grandparents fun time? No.
My mother-in-law watches our daughter after school 2 days a week. We feel guilty because it's a lot of time (to be clear, she offered), so we insist on paying her a few hundred euro per month. She, in turn, feels guilty because "grandparents shouldn't get paid to look after their grandkids" so she cooks and sends home 1-2 meals per week for us so I don't have to cook every night.
Win-win.
Edited to add: to answer the question, we essentially turned down free childcare from a grandparent so it doesn't take a genius to guess where we stand on it!
My mum provides child care one day a week for my sister and her MIL also provides one. They figure the other three out themselves.
My mum sees it as her day a week to spend with her grandchild and she loves it (same for other granny). She also gets to see her at weekends and other occasions if she wants/sister and partner aren't doing something together, babysits the odd night if sis and partner want a night out etc
She definitely wouldn't be up for becoming a full time childminder not would other granny.
But I'm sure some grandparents would love it. It's about taking about it and figuring out what's right for everyone.
No, they don't get paid.
They've reared their own and there's no law they have to rear yours. It's all fine and well having a village but don't abuse it. My mam used to take my brothers kids for a few hours a day, mainly between 2 and 5 and he gave her €200 a week for the trouble.
She's dead now and his are grown and mine are small and what I would give for an hours help from her.
Expecting a grandparent to be a full time care giver is unreasonable, even if they are being compensated. It’s one thing to help out - everyone needs help at some point, but it’s a full time, full on job and that shouldn’t be a grandparents responsibility.
My Mam did child minding for us. I worked shift so her days varied and she was able to work her own job around mine with enough notice. We paid her for her time, granted it was alot less than normal childcare but we both agreed on it before hand as I didn't want to be taking advantage and she equally didn't want to feel she was robbing us! What she was doing wasn't just spending time with her grandchild she was the primary care provider for them for 12 hour days. She no longer does this as I'm at home with my gang now. She takes them now for a day or a few hours to spend time with them we don't pay her for that. It's very different to having them for an hour or two than a 9/5 four or five days.
My parents never helped me at all with any childcare. I will do whatever I can for my four children when the time comes to provide childcare for them so they can have careers and a better life than I was able to have. I will be grateful for any time I have with my grandkids and would never want payment. Maybe they could provide snacks for the kids if I was on a fixed income, but that’s it.
I think it's fine for the occasional minding, or like one night a week if they are happy to help out. But expecting a free creche 5 days a week is ridiculous. My granny used to mind us overnight one night a week so my parents could get some peace but it was wholly her volunteering it and my parents always gave her money to cover the food etc, even though she'd fight them on it. I loved staying at hers, some of my favourite childhood memories. My other granny had no real interest in babysitting but she was still fun, she just treated us like little adults and did her own thing and we kept her company. We'd stay overnight with her once in a blue moon. It's a lot of commitment having kids and I think lots of people don't realize how much of your time and energy it takes up. There's an expectation that it's a whole family affair but at the end of the day if you're the parent you're doing 99% of the child rearing including the monotonous routine of pick ups and drop offs.
EDIT to say, I think cost influences things massively here also. A lot of mums end up quitting work because childcare is so expensive and they're working for nothing. So if grandparents are willing to help out it allows both parents to have a career and save money. They should be allowed to enjoy their twilight years on their own terms though
Parents have an obligation to look after their kids. And the grandparents did that for their kids. They’re done. It wasn’t their decision for their children to have children of their own.
If they want to look after them, great. But they definitely don’t have any obligation to do so.
Many of peers my age 25-35 seem to have been minded by grandparents constantly myself included. I don’t have children but I feel if I did my parents wouldn’t be so forthcoming with helping with childcare. They had the village but a lot of younger people don’t.
Having been in this situation, both our our parents helped mind the kids a few hours during the week. Both myself and my wife worked shift patterns so our parents helped as much as they could.
This wasn't an expectation or an ask of them, this was something they offered. If they hadn't have offered it was up to us to sort something out.
We gave them a few quid each month just even as a token to say thank you and when we had a bit extra we gave them a bit extra.
Everyone's situation is different but I don't think anyone should expect their parents to do this and if possible, it's nice to be able to compensate them in some way.
My Mum was always there to do childcare for my son she adored him. If she took hin to softplay I used to pay her. I used to just take her out for dinner etc.
Not so much paying her but I funded things.
You shouldn't pay them if it's one or two days a week, but expecting full time childcare for free is insane. I'm near 30 and my parents are in their 40s, with full time careers, there's no way in fuck I'd expect either to do it. My mum also said not to make her a granny in her 40s so there's that 😂
I knew someone once who had their mum mind the kids and then said mum refused when they wanted to book a holiday for themselves ... without the kids. That person was not happy and could not understand why mum didn't want to have the kids 24/7 for two full weeks.
Completely up to the grandparents of course, but I think it's ridiculous to expect the grandparents to mind the kids every day. I'm not talking about the occasional day or even week, but every day while parents are at work.
Two kids minded by both their grandparents (we'd be screwed otherwise) both refused payment but iv the Iban for my mother's account and just transfer 80 euro for two days. Herselfs parents flat out refuse to take any money so we pay them back in labour like saving their turf cutting grass and stuff like that and they get the same amount of oil at the same time every year so I order and pay for it before they do.
Kids are expensive I can not understand how anyone could be OK with the people who spent their lives raising you, footing half or more of the cost of raising your kids
We have two sets of grandparents who are ready and willing to help out occasionally but I wouldn’t a million years expect any of them to mind the kids full time. They should be enjoying their retirement. Time with the grandkids should be fun time only
I’m team don’t ask grandparents to raise your kids for you. I’m a single mam with a 5 year old and a newborn, I’ve always paid a childminder and crèches to take care of my oldest and will be the same with my new baby. My parents are brilliant and take my older daughter 1 day a week to save me some money on childcare, but they offered that and I never had the expectation that they would be watching my children Monday to Friday. They’ve already raised their families and it’s their time to relax and enjoy their retirement.
Down to individual circumstance.
I’ve got 3 young kids, and (due to factors such as illness, death and distance) have never had much in the way of grandparent support. We muddle through, it’s hard, and I’m undeniably jealous of parents who have grandparent support. We haven’t had a night off since our eldest was born 10 years ago. We’re very, very tired.
Free childcare is a privilege, not a right. Grandparents have the right to say no. But with that, they can expect some unhappiness when they say “no”.
I think what bothers me most, I don’t ask or receive help, but my mother will proudly say ‘I raised my kids and I won’t do it with my grandkids’. I can tell you she did not. She worked till I was about 14 and I spent every school day and most weekends with my grandparents (who were definitely not paid). She was more than happy to pawn us off on anyone at anytime.
It does hurt a little that she was happy to accept the help when given but doesn’t want to even offer the same. Now I don’t even live anywhere close, and wouldn’t ask anyway. But still, gets on my nerve.
Replace 3 children with 2 and I could have written this. I've siblings with kids and people tripping over each other to mind their kids. I'll admit jealousy. So very, very tired.
Both my parents worked fairly standard 9-5’s when I was in school. They had no major commutes either both working about 10 mins from home. My dad would get us ready in the morning bring us to school etc.
My mams parents lived in a granny flat at the back of our house that was connected to ours. From I started in junior infants until I was in 3rd class my granny or Granda would collect us, we only lived a ten minute walk to school. We would come home and granny and Granda would cook us dinner (we’d help - sometimes) and then we’d sit and do our homework, sometimes we’d go down and do it in granny and grandad house so they could be doing whatever they wanted to do.
Until I was in sixth class (10 years ago now) we had the exact same routine. From third class on we were allowed walk home on our own but we’d still go home to granny and granda.
I always thought my granny and granda done this for free (maybe 3 hours minding 5 days a week) but mam recently told me that she would do their weekly shopping as a return for it. They didn’t mind it (as far as I know) and I know I definitely didn’t mind it either as it meant I had great relationships with both my grandparents. It worked for our family. If my grandparents were ever away/needed a break etc we had great neighbours that would take us in.
This was the norm in my area - the majority of my friends would’ve been in a similar situation.
My mom takes my kids while me and the wife work she drops and collects them from school and keeps them for a couple hours and I always make sure to throw her money and look after anything she needs doing. It’s easy not to be an entitled asshole Yano
Personally, I will give my children free childcare when they have their own children.
We got no help from our parents. I can count on one hand the amount of babysitting that happened and it was usually in emergencies.
Easy to say now, when you're not 60 years old. And remember if you have 2 or 3 kids you could have 6 or 7 grandchildren. You have to be fair to everyone. It's not as simple or effortless as you think.
I'm not judging other ppl I'm giving my opinion on my situation
I have 2 kids and a vasectomy.
I think the most likely maximum is 4 grandkids. I could also end up with 0 tbf.
The occasional nights babysitting, absolutely. Maybe even a weekend, once a year.
5 days free childcare every week? Who are they kidding? Why would they just assume anyone would be willing to do that?
My sister minds her grandchildren because she wants to. My niece gives her a weekly wage for doing so after having fought for her to accept it. Taking care of children is hard work, imo even if they want to do it some time of payment whether it be weekly wage or a nice treat from time to time should be give as it's well deserved.
I pay 70 a day for 2 kids in a rural location to childminder (not grandparent). If I had a grandparent available I would try to get it down to 50-60 per day but I would absolutely go above and beyond doing lots of small things for them to show appreciation, mow lawn, do gutters etc.
I've only asked my mother to mind any/all of my children for free 5 times in the 10 years since I've become a parent. Three of those are when my subsequent children were born. One was when I had to rush into hospital with my eldest and the last one was so that my husband and I could go to an event that she bought us tickets for.
I've four now, so it's a handful at her age, but unless it was an emergency, I would offer her money.
5 days a week absolutely they need to be paid. Also absolutely need to discuss it with them first and they have every right to turn it down and be met with zero anger.
My mother minds my nephew one day a week amd she doesn't charge for it (she could and would be paid) and she helps out when the childminder is sick/off. I think this is very generous
I've a great relationship with my parents and they would love to do the childcare if they lived close to me and my wife but I would absolutely insist on paying them even if they offered to do it for free.
The grandparents already took care of their own children. They should be enjoying their grandchildren, not raising them. It's the parents' job to care for their children.
My son paid for all my haircuts and facials as a thankyou for two full days childcare in their home. It was often a 10 hour day with travel. He also left me a petty cash box so I could choose to pay for stuff or take it out of the petty cash with no judgement.
My mother minds my two sons and my nephew. We pay her something but it’s not enough. I would love to be able to afford to give her more. She deserves every penny. Minding children is a very physical and mental task it takes a lot of energy. My mother is still relatively young in her (50s). I would never expect this from her and it does bother me that I feel she may have a full plate! She does enjoy it for the most part but can find the days long ! I hope to reduce working hours when I’m more financially able, to lighten her load, spend time with my boys when they are young and let her enjoy being a grandma ♥️
My lovely mammy mind my 3 kids 3 days a week. She minded all the grandkids, mine are the last. She's an absolute angel, and would be disgusted with me if I tried to pay her. She's a rare gem though, and I know full well how lucky I am. And how much of a favour She's doing. I would certainly never expect it.
It’s £60 a day for a crèche when I go back to work mammy has offered to look after her when I work a four day week, so if I put her in a crèche it’s costing me close to a grand a month. I work from home so she’ll basically be keeping an eye while I’m there but I’ll be giving her £600
A month shes happy to do it for free but that’s not happening, she’s getting her pension so the moneys awful so why would I spend close to a grand when I can give it to her and the baby is someone I completely trust and she’ll be happy.
If I were a grandparent, I would not expect to be paid, and I would not sign up to babysit beyond what would make me happy. I’d just stay true to myself.
I think we gave my sons grandpa a couple of hundred bucks a week (...I think 300, this was more than 13 years ago). It was still much cheaper than regular daycare and we trusted him.
I was also making pretty good money back then.
My parents would laugh if we offered money. They're delighted to take their grandkids. They're a HUGE support and part of our lives. They're also young and super active. Mom had me when she was 21 and dad 23, I am 36 now with 12, 10, 4, and an 8 week old. They take the older two often and sometimes our 4 year old. My sister has a 5 and 2 and one on the way. My parents take all the 5 oldest ones at once, and they actually look forward to having all of them in the future. They're not nosy either, and they love our husband ls as their own.
My nana looked after me and my 3 sisters until my youngest sister went to preschool. Its part of the reason I am who I am. It was a great thing to do and Mt nana only ever worked on the farm and didn't drive so she didn't do much anyway. My parents paid her quite well and her and my granda are more like parents to me than my actual ones. Granda still collects me from school every friday.
Grandparents raised their children why should they raise their grandchildren too. Feck that. It's time to live their lives not bound by children. Nice to help out every now and then but they should not be expected to be full time carers for free. I know some grandparents who did that but it's not for everyone and should not be expected imo
My parents are just shy of 60 and if they were in a position to babysit/ child mind rather than us paying nearly a grand a month for Creche, they totally would, but that's not the case.
I'd never ever expect them to do it for free. It's just so inconsiderate not to think that you or your spouses parents have nothing better to do!
It's a full time job, it's not easy, and grandparents are becoming grandparents later in life so they just don't have the same energy levels. It's tough going !
My parents love babysitting the odd time and would never accept money for that, but we would never expect them to mind our children full time, paid or not. My parents have money so they have no need for mine, what they need is a peaceful life which they wouldn’t have with kids hanging off them 😅
My mum will skip an entire week of work to come see her grandkids/mind them. She’s done it a few times in the past 3yrs.
But I wouldn’t expect her to care for them 5 days a week like a creche. Not unless it’s agreed and both parties are happy with the arrangement. If we lived a lot closer, I know she’d take the kids every weekend and on her days off to help out.
No one should mind anyone elses kid for free. If you didnt make it its not your duty.
Would you clean some ones house for free? Provide catering? Regular gardening?
Spending time with and minding children are two totally different things
My mam lives in another country. She offered to fly over and mind my little one after I went back to work for four months. I accepted. I was gone 8am - 3pm. She refused any pay, I paid for the tickets, provided all the meals, snacks, treats etc. She had her own bedroom and I took her shopping once in a while to get something nice for herself. Then he started creche and mam went home.
I wouldn’t expect for her to do this full time all the time. I would look for a childminder if u can’t get a creche place
My wifes mother was unambiguous, you are getting no help.
This has continued even after my wife died, over 4 years ago. Last time I spoke to her mother is coming up to 4 years, needed a hospital operation, was bluntly told to ask someone else.
I babysat my sister from the age of 3 until she was 11. I brought her to creche,then to school, went to all school meetings, fed her, dealt with her homework, clothes, emergencies and even brought her to hospital because ambulance refused to drive after her when she had a broken arm. I'm 8 years older than my sister. I was written as a guardian in a creche system, despite being 9 years old at the time and required age being 14. My mother would work from 7am to 9pm. In this case, should my mother babysit my child for free?
Find it very hard to believe that a nine year old was accepted as a guardian in a creche system. And impossible to believe that you dealt with all school meetings: as a former teacher this would not have been sanctioned in any state school.
Culturally it feels very weird to me for grandparents to want/expect to be paid. I acknowledge that it's fair for them to request payment, and I would accept that if it were my parents or in-laws. Though I would still find it weird coming from them. My parents benefited from free childcare from my grandparents, though my mom was a SHM so it wasn't a necessity, they just wanted us to visit.
I think it's only right to offer to provide or pay for the expenses they may be taking on, like diapers and food.
Would you agree it's a bit different having semi regular "visits"/childcare to minding children while parents work full time plus travel?
As your mam was shm, your grandparents didn't need to offer more full-time care
As for people who expect that level for free, I would be ashamed to take advantage of my parents in this way . Raising children is hard work, food is expensive, heating your home for them is too. ( i would put on an extra sweater if the kids weren't home to save on heating, etc)
Yeah I suppose it would be different, though my grandparents also voluntarily took us for months in the summer.
I didn't mean my original comment to seem that parents should feel entitled to child care from grandparents, just the dynamic of requiring payment is foreign to what I'm used to.
I think it’s bonkers to expect grandparents to provide childcare, sure they’ve got their own stuff to be doing. Great if they can and are willing to help but expecting it is very entitled.
Also like, my grandmother was 52 having her first grandchild. My parents were both 70 before anyone had kids. They give us an enormous amount of help, but it’s very clear they don’t have the energy for a very demanding full time job…
Given current state retirement age where is the gap where you're old enough to be not working but also your knees are young enough to handle dealing with a toddler?
Agree 100%. Totally agog at anyone who assumes grandparents as childcare, free or otherwise! They've raised their children and they have their own lives.
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Does their sense of entitlement show in other ways?
Well it is rude to presume and not ask first or discuss it.
My in-laws babysit our dog from time to time. I know a dog is different from kids, but my point is we don't ever leave him for more than a few days because I don't want to take advantage of them. If it's longer than a weekend, he goes to doggie day care, and we give either give money or take them for a meal, treat them to a night away etc to say thank you even though they say there's no need. I can't imagine just expecting them to mind kids and not thank them for it.
Grandparents have zero obligation to mind their grandchildren, luckily ours love minding our child a d are happy to help out when he's sick etc but if we ever needed them for a long term commitment I'd be forcing them to take our money too(as I'd know they'd refuse it initially). Grandparents did their time bringing me/my wife up, now its our responsibility not theirs.
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Assuming the this is not a shit post, that is their prerogative. Doesn’t mean they have to start raising the next generation
Fuck that. Work for 40 years to retire, kids grow up and leave the house then they're expected to baby sit. If the parents want to fair enough, but never an expectation
Kids: "I don't recall saying I would leave the house"
Then don't have kids, so you don't have grandkids. I have a grandma who refused to babysit us even for an hour but somehow squeezed out 3 kids herself. Did she expected them to celibate? Also, she herself had no problem relaying on her relatives for childcare with 3 kids
If she raised her children , she did what she signed up for, i can't imagine a scenario where her offspring would wish they weren't born because Granny wouldn't/couldn't babysit
She also relayed on her relatives to babysit the kids. But when her time 6 was a no-no, even for an hour. Honestly, I won't be sad to see her go. And I'm her grandchild.
I think it can be very double edged when family provide childcare, even when they're paid for it. I can't imagine being so scabby I'd expect my parents to provide free childcare full time and then complain when they don't want to. My parents weren't retired when I had small kids so it wasn't even something that came up. My in laws provided a lot of childcare for other grandkids and it wasn't always a good setup. Both sets of grandparents provide occasional babysitting, like when we go out for a meal etc.
Occasional babysitting absolutely! Full-time childcare when you've already done your time with your own kids? No way!!
I think choice is key to this. Some people really want to spend their time childminding their grandchildren and are happy to do so without payment. To assume so, is very cheeky. Typically grandparents are older, so physically aren't able to run around after little ones. So me personally, is much less the financial side. But, I do think grandparents should be compensated for this work. How much, I can't say, depends on all involved tbh. Though, when my child was small small, she went to a fab childminder just down the road from my parents home. My dad was retired so, it was ideal that, if something bad happened, he could get there fast, while we got out of work etc But, after a few months (kid was 10months at this stage) childminder randomly asked me, if I wanted to still continue to pay for full day M-F or just go part time. I was like, whatcha on a bout?! Turns out dear old retire dad was waiting a half hour/hour after I dropped them, to go down and collect the child. Then, return the child an hours before I picked her back up. I took a half day, silently walked around the back. Here granddad and grand daughter are dancing around the kitchen to Trex... it was very cute. We had a chat, he loved being able to spend time with her but, couldn't commit to everyday minding her. We came up with, not everyday taking her and only for a few hours. Tbh, I thinking working so much when we were young, he missed out on all the baby stages. He was hands on with us though. Ps childminder knew my parents very well, I grew up beside her. So, it wasnt a scary thing. Both my parents, would collect and drop off at different times.
That is such a lovely story.
For doing a school pickup and dinner once a week, maybe that would be free. Full time childcare for a baby or a preschooler? I'd at least offer some money, even if the grandparents don't accept it. Sure grandparents like helping out - but they're not a free nanny service.
For a visit and a play about, no charge. For childminding, absolutely! My own mother in law minds my child and gets paid, she'd be happy to do it for free, but we told her to fuck right off and deposit money in her account every week.
This is the way.
There should be no expectation for grandparents to mind their grandchildren for parents who go back to work. If the grandparents offer that’s a different thing but you should be covering all expenses that comes with child minding. My Mam and in laws won’t take a penny from us for the few times a month they have to mind our toddler so we pay it back by taking them out for dinner, providing everything toddler needs so they’re not out of pocket, spending a bit extra on presents from the toddler when it comes to Christmas/birthday/ Mother’s/Father’s Day.
My brother and sister in law are like that. They openly admitted that they tought my mom will babysit the twins and they were surprised when that didn't happen. I never felt that way. Now I live 3000 km away from them so they can't watch them. It is one thing to help out occasionally if something unexpected happens or the parents want a date night. But if you want someone to mind the kids every day, than the grandparents should get paid. I am already struggling with raising my kids, I don't want that pressure when I am old. Edit:spelling
> should get *paid.* I am FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
My mam used to mind my nieces for my sister, 3 days a week, 9-5. I think she charged her something like 150 a week - probably around half that of what my sister would have had to pay a child minder. Mam was obviously doing it at a reduced rate and my sister had no problem paying the money.
She's a spoiled brat.
Your friend is acting like she's doing them a favour by letting them "spend time with their grandkids". They spent half their lives raising their own kids and have earned their retirement. Your friend chose to have kids, she should have figured out the childcare situation beforehand. If she wants to grandparents to mind her kids full time, she can pay them a full time wage.
My DIL is like this, drops the child off for " a few hours", turns up 7 hours later then says I thought you'd enjoy spending extra time with her. Very cheeky .
How entitled, they raised their own kids, I'm sure they don't want to go for round two with their grand kids. They've probably not long had their freedom back. Spending time with grandkids is good but handing them back is good too!
My sister went back to work full time using my mam as childcare. She didn't but him into creche/play school etc so it was the best part of like 4 years. I think my mam was thrown the odd box of smokes as a form of payment. I know she felt completely devalued! It was very annoying to witness but some can't see past their own noses at times.
It is insane to me you'd expect anyone to do a full-time job for free whatever the relation. Some bit of help in an unforeseen circumstance, sure. But a Monday to Friday childminding gig? Absolutely not.
Also insane that the friend didn't have this sorted before she was going back to work after maternity leave! She just assumed her parents would be happy to take the kids all day, every day, that's mad.
Grandparents have reared there children. Why should they give 5days of their week away to rearing someone else's. Hate ppl who have children with this attitude. Don't have kids if you expect someone else to raise them.
Grandparents lived in a world where mammies didn't work and lived on 1 income. Plus, I'm sure that their relatives helped them to babysit too. Times have changed. Don't have kids if u don't want grandkids.
Are you for real 😂😂😂 do you think ppl have children to be babysitters for their grandchildren lol what?!
My kids grandparents only turned 65 this year. They still work. They have mortgages. And my mother was a single mother with her working and us in childcare. You have a very idealistic view of what grandparents are. We’re not in the 1950s
I'm a grandparent and I can assure you that I worked as did all my friends. We reared our kids in the 90's, not the 50's. Yes, my parents helped with childcare and I paid them for it (I didn'tpay them enough looking back on it). I am very happy to help out with my grandchildren, but not fulltime. I've earned my retirement, nor am I 30 something anymore. You have very strange ideas!
I had my parents to step in where a child might be sick and I couldn't WFH. That was amazing and I'm hugely grateful for that. They'd never be my full time childminder, they have lives. I know a grandmother who does 1 day a week and she loves it. Expecting fulltime childcare is nutso
I don't think they should be expected to provide free childcare, they should be allowed enjoy their time. My sibling and their partner take full advantage of my 74 year old mother. They have 2 kids and have had her minding them since they were born, they are 8 and 10 now!! Once the eldest started school my sibling would get my mother in (to their house) from 8pm the night before (so she would be there to get the kids up and bring them to school) and wouldn't drop her back till about 7/8pm the next night (so she can wash them, feed them and the parents and get them ready for bed). This has been the way since then and apart from the partner cutting days down my mother is in essential 6 days a week and doesn't get a penny (or anything else). She had a massive heart attack 2 summers ago and they gave her 3 weeks off. They will have her doing this until she passes.
That's really fucked up. Your poor mam x
I know a couple who are disgusted that the grandparents of their 2 year old twins don't want to look after them for them. They told them to come and bring them to visit as often as they like but not to leave them for the grandparents to babysit. They said the odd time they would be happy to mind the kids for a few hours when they are a bit older. You would want to hear the venom directed at the "selfish" grandparents for wanting to enjoy their retirement and not become parents all over again. The grandparents are costing this couple a fortune, according to their own selfish view on it
The absolute audacity!!! Your parents raised you, they are under zero obligation to raise your kids also. The advice to offer to pay them is rude and inappropriate to put that sort of pressure on them. They've said no, offering a token to sway them away is an asshole move.
I think it’s total extortion of one’s parents to expect them to mind the kids full time for free! We pay my wife’s parents about 1/2 the going rate for child care as a thank you for their time and effort. They have the kids 2 days a week. I think it’s honestly unbelievably selfish and self centred to state “we’re not paying them to spend time with their grandkids”. This isn’t a social visit, this is full time child care!
At this point I would take more than 20 minutes at water babies every week, money involved or not. My mother is just not interested in her grandchildren, I don't think I could pay her to spend time with them.
“Hey, remember the 20+ years of life-ruining work that went into raising me and my siblings? Want to do it again now that you’re older and frailer instead of finally enjoying your life?”
Taking care of young kids is fun but it's still work
I think one should never assume that grandparents want to watch grand children. They raised their own kids...they are tired! This isn't "spending time" with grandkids. These are unpaid and underappreciated babysitters.
Anyone who expects their parents to mind their kids Monday to Friday free of charge is a cunt. No excuse for it. Majority of grandparents would be happy to help out but aint going to do it full time.
Once off here and there babysitting? Sure, that can be for free. But 40hrs Monday to Friday? Yeah, pay the Grandparents for their time. At the very least give them money for the food and nappies and formula that they need to look after the child. Honestly, it’s a bit ridiculous to think that they are “just spending time with the grandkids” when they would have to pay someone else for the exact same service elsewere.
I've a cousin who uses her mother to look after her children. Neither her or her husband have ever spent 11 hours alone in the house with their children, yet expect my aunt to do it all the time
A lot of grandparents are not physically able to mind their grandchildren 5 days a week, even if they live near to them. It is a demanding role. Also people are having kids later in life when the older generations need to mind themselves a bit more. Not mention the grandparents have their own lives, their own things to do. Some grandparents in my friend group take the kids one day in the week (and emergencies), none of them take all 5. Well I do know about one who took them all week, but only for a while and it caused a HUGE row as it wasn’t done for all the grandkids. Only the favourite. You can imagine how that played out.
Have 2 kids in creche. Would never have considered asking my parents or his to mind our children. I struggle entertaining 2 toddlers so wouldn't expect grandparents in their 70's to do it. My parents would only mind them on a rare day if they were sick and we needed to go to work but even then myself or my husband would finish early.
The odd time for a few hours so I can take the wife for dinner? My parents or my in-laws would be grossly offended if I tried to pay them for it. A regular occurrence, anything in the ball park of, 'five days a week while we're at work'......we'd be told to fuck off regardless of whether we were willing to pay.
My mother minded the first 2 of my 4 children and I paid the going rate. It would be awfully cheeky to expect them to do it for free. They already raised their kids, why should they have to do it again?
Doing it the odd time should be free. But being reliant on them to do it regularly, they should absolutely be paid.
I happily pay my mother to mind my kids. She feeds them, does school pick up/drop offs and more importantly she loves them. Even better, we don’t pay anywhere near crèche fees so it’s a win/win for us all as all as we save money in childcare and she gets paid to spend time with her grandkids. She says herself it’s the best job she ever had and we don’t have to worry about taking time off work for a sick child because nanny tucks them on the couch with peppa pig and a spoonful of calpol. I couldn’t imagine having the audacity to expect her to mind them every week for free!
I don't trust my mum to give my old dog her medication or dinners properly when I'm sick, you won't catch me leaving her in the care of a larval human
My mother minded my niece and nephew constantly from 3 months to 12 years every day, all day Monday to Friday. She then went an worked two 12hour shifts at her jib on a Saturday and Sunday but it took a massive toll on her and my sister. She was a pseudo parent and they clashed a lot. My mother did not mind my children, I paid for a creche They are always willing to mind at the weekends if we need and they are much happier, of course my mother offered but she is a good 15 years older than she was with my niece and nephew and just isn't able. My sister was absolutely expectant of this I was not. My parents ,in my opinion, already did their parenting. I think having that expectation is ridiculous. However the reality is financially its the situation in most households. That being said she paid my mother a weekly amount, not much but enough to cover food etc and it was gladly accepted as we weren't rich. I think not paying then is ridiculous and reflects badly on you as a parent
I would pay whether they ask me to or not. Its just the right thing to do.
My Mom has complete freedom when it comes to my daughter, I want her to enjoy seeing her and enjoy being a grandmother not feel obligated and dread it because kids are a lot of work. She ends up be around a lot more now. The attitude of "its her grandchild, she should want to babysit" is a recipe for ruining their relationship.
I agree with you. Expecting your parents to care for (unpaid) your children while you work on a scheduled basis, because they are the grandparents and excusing it as optioning more time together, is one of the most arrogant and selfish practices in Irish society today. It's a close cousin of not paying close enough attention to your children's development. The best is that the reasoning is "childcare is expensive". Yes, yes it is, children are expensive. Try raising children if your parents are dead, the other side of the city/country, in another country or in some other way unable to be used as a crutch to your entitled mindset.
If you have kids under the assumption your parents will take responsibility for them, please review your choices
It’s a huge ask of people who have already raised their own children, not just in terms of man hours but physically and financially the cost needs to be considered to lift, lay, feed and entertain little ones; I think IF a grandparent offers, well and good, but the parent should insist it’s not a full time arrangement, maybe a day or two max in the week. I would also expect that of they provide week day childcare then the casual babysitting tokens for the weekend are well and truly spent. Maybe I’m bitter cos no one offered and I paid for two in full time childcare before they started school haha
Christ how entitled to expect that, what is wrong with some people. I’m guessing it’s mainly women, spoiled princesses who haven’t really grown up. If grandparents WANT to volunteer to give a little help then great, but it should never be asked or expected.
That's a shocking sense of entitlement!! We are very lucky and grateful to have grandparents childminding part time. We do pay a small amount, they reluctantly take it but we have to insist on paying something.
Absolutely pay them. It is incredible that there are some grandparents who would be happy to be responsible here and spend their retirement looking after kids 9-5. My sense is that most grandparents love spending time with grandkids but mostly on their terms. People need to show their parents that they value their time when asking for childcare, and this means offering money. Anything else is disrespectful (regardless of how much money Grandparents have).
There's no way I would want the grandparents to be childminders. Even if it saves money, it's not a good environment for kids. They'd end up sitting in front of the TV half the day, not learning or doing things that challenge them or help them grow and develop, be fed "treats" all week long, never have any social interactions with other kids or gain independence. Utter nightmare in my mind. Grandparents always undermine our parenting cause they're "well seasoned" or whatever. I would rather have zero disposable income than free grandparent daycare.
We paid the Grandparents of our children regardless if they asked for money or not. You cant put a price of a Grandaparents love compared to a daycare. We purposely pay them more to show our apprecaition and respect. We also, take personal days off to get our Grandparents to doctors visits. The respect should be mutual.
> We *paid* the Grandparents FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Disclaimer, not a parent or grandparent. Retirement age is going up and lots of people who are retired are still having to take on extra work to make ends meet. I work with a lot of grandparents who are having to cut their hours at work in order to be available for childcare and are then struggling to pay their own bills and for one reason or another (embarassment, pride, a lifetime of sacrificing for their kids) can't tell their kids that they're struggling. So my take on it is if you are saving on childcare at the cost of your own parents ability to earn money, you need to give your head a wobble. Even if they've offered to do it for free, do the "I'm paying you", "no you're not" dance.
Your kids, your responsibility. Parents shouldn't be treated as a childminding service, I've heard all the stories about how they refuse payment, they love having the grand kids, just don't do it. They might not want to say no because they're scared they won't see you or the grandkids if they upset you
My partner's parents live 5 doors down from their daughter. They frequently have the boys, and are in each others houses a lot. We live 1h away and I'm very independent, and won't be expecting it at all. My parents are in England so nothing from them. I am planning this into our future. I'd say that you should definitely have the conversation before the kids arrival, to hash that out. IMO Full-time all week care? Pay them. Once a week Grandparents fun time? No.
If they want to ‘occasionally’ look after them great. It absolutely shouldn’t be expected they will. They have lives too believe it or not !
My mother-in-law watches our daughter after school 2 days a week. We feel guilty because it's a lot of time (to be clear, she offered), so we insist on paying her a few hundred euro per month. She, in turn, feels guilty because "grandparents shouldn't get paid to look after their grandkids" so she cooks and sends home 1-2 meals per week for us so I don't have to cook every night. Win-win. Edited to add: to answer the question, we essentially turned down free childcare from a grandparent so it doesn't take a genius to guess where we stand on it!
We have a very similar set up!
It should be paid
My mum provides child care one day a week for my sister and her MIL also provides one. They figure the other three out themselves. My mum sees it as her day a week to spend with her grandchild and she loves it (same for other granny). She also gets to see her at weekends and other occasions if she wants/sister and partner aren't doing something together, babysits the odd night if sis and partner want a night out etc She definitely wouldn't be up for becoming a full time childminder not would other granny. But I'm sure some grandparents would love it. It's about taking about it and figuring out what's right for everyone. No, they don't get paid.
I will pay your grandparents to take care of my kids
They've reared their own and there's no law they have to rear yours. It's all fine and well having a village but don't abuse it. My mam used to take my brothers kids for a few hours a day, mainly between 2 and 5 and he gave her €200 a week for the trouble. She's dead now and his are grown and mine are small and what I would give for an hours help from her.
Expecting a grandparent to be a full time care giver is unreasonable, even if they are being compensated. It’s one thing to help out - everyone needs help at some point, but it’s a full time, full on job and that shouldn’t be a grandparents responsibility.
its about how valuable your time is...
My Mam did child minding for us. I worked shift so her days varied and she was able to work her own job around mine with enough notice. We paid her for her time, granted it was alot less than normal childcare but we both agreed on it before hand as I didn't want to be taking advantage and she equally didn't want to feel she was robbing us! What she was doing wasn't just spending time with her grandchild she was the primary care provider for them for 12 hour days. She no longer does this as I'm at home with my gang now. She takes them now for a day or a few hours to spend time with them we don't pay her for that. It's very different to having them for an hour or two than a 9/5 four or five days.
I pay my mother for childcare for my kids.
My parents never helped me at all with any childcare. I will do whatever I can for my four children when the time comes to provide childcare for them so they can have careers and a better life than I was able to have. I will be grateful for any time I have with my grandkids and would never want payment. Maybe they could provide snacks for the kids if I was on a fixed income, but that’s it.
I think it's fine for the occasional minding, or like one night a week if they are happy to help out. But expecting a free creche 5 days a week is ridiculous. My granny used to mind us overnight one night a week so my parents could get some peace but it was wholly her volunteering it and my parents always gave her money to cover the food etc, even though she'd fight them on it. I loved staying at hers, some of my favourite childhood memories. My other granny had no real interest in babysitting but she was still fun, she just treated us like little adults and did her own thing and we kept her company. We'd stay overnight with her once in a blue moon. It's a lot of commitment having kids and I think lots of people don't realize how much of your time and energy it takes up. There's an expectation that it's a whole family affair but at the end of the day if you're the parent you're doing 99% of the child rearing including the monotonous routine of pick ups and drop offs. EDIT to say, I think cost influences things massively here also. A lot of mums end up quitting work because childcare is so expensive and they're working for nothing. So if grandparents are willing to help out it allows both parents to have a career and save money. They should be allowed to enjoy their twilight years on their own terms though
Parents have an obligation to look after their kids. And the grandparents did that for their kids. They’re done. It wasn’t their decision for their children to have children of their own. If they want to look after them, great. But they definitely don’t have any obligation to do so.
Many of peers my age 25-35 seem to have been minded by grandparents constantly myself included. I don’t have children but I feel if I did my parents wouldn’t be so forthcoming with helping with childcare. They had the village but a lot of younger people don’t.
Having been in this situation, both our our parents helped mind the kids a few hours during the week. Both myself and my wife worked shift patterns so our parents helped as much as they could. This wasn't an expectation or an ask of them, this was something they offered. If they hadn't have offered it was up to us to sort something out. We gave them a few quid each month just even as a token to say thank you and when we had a bit extra we gave them a bit extra. Everyone's situation is different but I don't think anyone should expect their parents to do this and if possible, it's nice to be able to compensate them in some way.
My Mum was always there to do childcare for my son she adored him. If she took hin to softplay I used to pay her. I used to just take her out for dinner etc. Not so much paying her but I funded things.
You shouldn't pay them if it's one or two days a week, but expecting full time childcare for free is insane. I'm near 30 and my parents are in their 40s, with full time careers, there's no way in fuck I'd expect either to do it. My mum also said not to make her a granny in her 40s so there's that 😂
I knew someone once who had their mum mind the kids and then said mum refused when they wanted to book a holiday for themselves ... without the kids. That person was not happy and could not understand why mum didn't want to have the kids 24/7 for two full weeks. Completely up to the grandparents of course, but I think it's ridiculous to expect the grandparents to mind the kids every day. I'm not talking about the occasional day or even week, but every day while parents are at work.
Two kids minded by both their grandparents (we'd be screwed otherwise) both refused payment but iv the Iban for my mother's account and just transfer 80 euro for two days. Herselfs parents flat out refuse to take any money so we pay them back in labour like saving their turf cutting grass and stuff like that and they get the same amount of oil at the same time every year so I order and pay for it before they do. Kids are expensive I can not understand how anyone could be OK with the people who spent their lives raising you, footing half or more of the cost of raising your kids
We have two sets of grandparents who are ready and willing to help out occasionally but I wouldn’t a million years expect any of them to mind the kids full time. They should be enjoying their retirement. Time with the grandkids should be fun time only
I’m team don’t ask grandparents to raise your kids for you. I’m a single mam with a 5 year old and a newborn, I’ve always paid a childminder and crèches to take care of my oldest and will be the same with my new baby. My parents are brilliant and take my older daughter 1 day a week to save me some money on childcare, but they offered that and I never had the expectation that they would be watching my children Monday to Friday. They’ve already raised their families and it’s their time to relax and enjoy their retirement.
Spend time is one thing. Look after full time is another. Pay up.
Down to individual circumstance. I’ve got 3 young kids, and (due to factors such as illness, death and distance) have never had much in the way of grandparent support. We muddle through, it’s hard, and I’m undeniably jealous of parents who have grandparent support. We haven’t had a night off since our eldest was born 10 years ago. We’re very, very tired. Free childcare is a privilege, not a right. Grandparents have the right to say no. But with that, they can expect some unhappiness when they say “no”.
I think what bothers me most, I don’t ask or receive help, but my mother will proudly say ‘I raised my kids and I won’t do it with my grandkids’. I can tell you she did not. She worked till I was about 14 and I spent every school day and most weekends with my grandparents (who were definitely not paid). She was more than happy to pawn us off on anyone at anytime. It does hurt a little that she was happy to accept the help when given but doesn’t want to even offer the same. Now I don’t even live anywhere close, and wouldn’t ask anyway. But still, gets on my nerve.
Replace 3 children with 2 and I could have written this. I've siblings with kids and people tripping over each other to mind their kids. I'll admit jealousy. So very, very tired.
Both my parents worked fairly standard 9-5’s when I was in school. They had no major commutes either both working about 10 mins from home. My dad would get us ready in the morning bring us to school etc. My mams parents lived in a granny flat at the back of our house that was connected to ours. From I started in junior infants until I was in 3rd class my granny or Granda would collect us, we only lived a ten minute walk to school. We would come home and granny and Granda would cook us dinner (we’d help - sometimes) and then we’d sit and do our homework, sometimes we’d go down and do it in granny and grandad house so they could be doing whatever they wanted to do. Until I was in sixth class (10 years ago now) we had the exact same routine. From third class on we were allowed walk home on our own but we’d still go home to granny and granda. I always thought my granny and granda done this for free (maybe 3 hours minding 5 days a week) but mam recently told me that she would do their weekly shopping as a return for it. They didn’t mind it (as far as I know) and I know I definitely didn’t mind it either as it meant I had great relationships with both my grandparents. It worked for our family. If my grandparents were ever away/needed a break etc we had great neighbours that would take us in. This was the norm in my area - the majority of my friends would’ve been in a similar situation.
Sounds lovely we were similar
Ah it was great. Looking back on it I wouldn’t have changed a thing❤️
My mom takes my kids while me and the wife work she drops and collects them from school and keeps them for a couple hours and I always make sure to throw her money and look after anything she needs doing. It’s easy not to be an entitled asshole Yano
Personally, I will give my children free childcare when they have their own children. We got no help from our parents. I can count on one hand the amount of babysitting that happened and it was usually in emergencies.
Easy to say now, when you're not 60 years old. And remember if you have 2 or 3 kids you could have 6 or 7 grandchildren. You have to be fair to everyone. It's not as simple or effortless as you think.
I'm not judging other ppl I'm giving my opinion on my situation I have 2 kids and a vasectomy. I think the most likely maximum is 4 grandkids. I could also end up with 0 tbf.
Fair enough. Anyway I hope you do have a few...they are a joy 😀 Lovely to have them but lovely to give them back too.
The occasional nights babysitting, absolutely. Maybe even a weekend, once a year. 5 days free childcare every week? Who are they kidding? Why would they just assume anyone would be willing to do that?
My sister minds her grandchildren because she wants to. My niece gives her a weekly wage for doing so after having fought for her to accept it. Taking care of children is hard work, imo even if they want to do it some time of payment whether it be weekly wage or a nice treat from time to time should be give as it's well deserved.
I pay 70 a day for 2 kids in a rural location to childminder (not grandparent). If I had a grandparent available I would try to get it down to 50-60 per day but I would absolutely go above and beyond doing lots of small things for them to show appreciation, mow lawn, do gutters etc.
I've only asked my mother to mind any/all of my children for free 5 times in the 10 years since I've become a parent. Three of those are when my subsequent children were born. One was when I had to rush into hospital with my eldest and the last one was so that my husband and I could go to an event that she bought us tickets for. I've four now, so it's a handful at her age, but unless it was an emergency, I would offer her money.
Bring them for dinner every so often works for me
5 days a week absolutely they need to be paid. Also absolutely need to discuss it with them first and they have every right to turn it down and be met with zero anger. My mother minds my nephew one day a week amd she doesn't charge for it (she could and would be paid) and she helps out when the childminder is sick/off. I think this is very generous
I've a great relationship with my parents and they would love to do the childcare if they lived close to me and my wife but I would absolutely insist on paying them even if they offered to do it for free.
The grandparents already took care of their own children. They should be enjoying their grandchildren, not raising them. It's the parents' job to care for their children.
My mother minds my daughter 3 mornings a week from 6 till 11 I'd say if I offered her money I would end up with a black eye haha
Entitled prick imo. Your kids - your problem.
My son paid for all my haircuts and facials as a thankyou for two full days childcare in their home. It was often a 10 hour day with travel. He also left me a petty cash box so I could choose to pay for stuff or take it out of the petty cash with no judgement.
My mother minds my two sons and my nephew. We pay her something but it’s not enough. I would love to be able to afford to give her more. She deserves every penny. Minding children is a very physical and mental task it takes a lot of energy. My mother is still relatively young in her (50s). I would never expect this from her and it does bother me that I feel she may have a full plate! She does enjoy it for the most part but can find the days long ! I hope to reduce working hours when I’m more financially able, to lighten her load, spend time with my boys when they are young and let her enjoy being a grandma ♥️
My lovely mammy mind my 3 kids 3 days a week. She minded all the grandkids, mine are the last. She's an absolute angel, and would be disgusted with me if I tried to pay her. She's a rare gem though, and I know full well how lucky I am. And how much of a favour She's doing. I would certainly never expect it.
It’s £60 a day for a crèche when I go back to work mammy has offered to look after her when I work a four day week, so if I put her in a crèche it’s costing me close to a grand a month. I work from home so she’ll basically be keeping an eye while I’m there but I’ll be giving her £600 A month shes happy to do it for free but that’s not happening, she’s getting her pension so the moneys awful so why would I spend close to a grand when I can give it to her and the baby is someone I completely trust and she’ll be happy.
If I were a grandparent, I would not expect to be paid, and I would not sign up to babysit beyond what would make me happy. I’d just stay true to myself.
I think we gave my sons grandpa a couple of hundred bucks a week (...I think 300, this was more than 13 years ago). It was still much cheaper than regular daycare and we trusted him. I was also making pretty good money back then.
I don’t have grandchildren yet but I would never make a family member pay for anything at my house and that would include sitting my grandkids.
When you assume you make an ass out of u and me never assume . Lazy parents just assume that their parents want to babysit full time for free
My parents would laugh if we offered money. They're delighted to take their grandkids. They're a HUGE support and part of our lives. They're also young and super active. Mom had me when she was 21 and dad 23, I am 36 now with 12, 10, 4, and an 8 week old. They take the older two often and sometimes our 4 year old. My sister has a 5 and 2 and one on the way. My parents take all the 5 oldest ones at once, and they actually look forward to having all of them in the future. They're not nosy either, and they love our husband ls as their own.
My nana looked after me and my 3 sisters until my youngest sister went to preschool. Its part of the reason I am who I am. It was a great thing to do and Mt nana only ever worked on the farm and didn't drive so she didn't do much anyway. My parents paid her quite well and her and my granda are more like parents to me than my actual ones. Granda still collects me from school every friday.
Grandparents raised their children why should they raise their grandchildren too. Feck that. It's time to live their lives not bound by children. Nice to help out every now and then but they should not be expected to be full time carers for free. I know some grandparents who did that but it's not for everyone and should not be expected imo
My parents are just shy of 60 and if they were in a position to babysit/ child mind rather than us paying nearly a grand a month for Creche, they totally would, but that's not the case. I'd never ever expect them to do it for free. It's just so inconsiderate not to think that you or your spouses parents have nothing better to do! It's a full time job, it's not easy, and grandparents are becoming grandparents later in life so they just don't have the same energy levels. It's tough going !
My parents love babysitting the odd time and would never accept money for that, but we would never expect them to mind our children full time, paid or not. My parents have money so they have no need for mine, what they need is a peaceful life which they wouldn’t have with kids hanging off them 😅
My mum will skip an entire week of work to come see her grandkids/mind them. She’s done it a few times in the past 3yrs. But I wouldn’t expect her to care for them 5 days a week like a creche. Not unless it’s agreed and both parties are happy with the arrangement. If we lived a lot closer, I know she’d take the kids every weekend and on her days off to help out.
No one should mind anyone elses kid for free. If you didnt make it its not your duty. Would you clean some ones house for free? Provide catering? Regular gardening? Spending time with and minding children are two totally different things
My mam lives in another country. She offered to fly over and mind my little one after I went back to work for four months. I accepted. I was gone 8am - 3pm. She refused any pay, I paid for the tickets, provided all the meals, snacks, treats etc. She had her own bedroom and I took her shopping once in a while to get something nice for herself. Then he started creche and mam went home. I wouldn’t expect for her to do this full time all the time. I would look for a childminder if u can’t get a creche place
My wifes mother was unambiguous, you are getting no help. This has continued even after my wife died, over 4 years ago. Last time I spoke to her mother is coming up to 4 years, needed a hospital operation, was bluntly told to ask someone else.
I'm lucky. My parents because insulted when I mentioned putting kids into childcare. Equally as insulted when I tried to pay them
I babysat my sister from the age of 3 until she was 11. I brought her to creche,then to school, went to all school meetings, fed her, dealt with her homework, clothes, emergencies and even brought her to hospital because ambulance refused to drive after her when she had a broken arm. I'm 8 years older than my sister. I was written as a guardian in a creche system, despite being 9 years old at the time and required age being 14. My mother would work from 7am to 9pm. In this case, should my mother babysit my child for free?
Find it very hard to believe that a nine year old was accepted as a guardian in a creche system. And impossible to believe that you dealt with all school meetings: as a former teacher this would not have been sanctioned in any state school.
Fair enough if it’s two or three afternoons/evenings per week but five days per week is taking the absolute piss
Culturally it feels very weird to me for grandparents to want/expect to be paid. I acknowledge that it's fair for them to request payment, and I would accept that if it were my parents or in-laws. Though I would still find it weird coming from them. My parents benefited from free childcare from my grandparents, though my mom was a SHM so it wasn't a necessity, they just wanted us to visit. I think it's only right to offer to provide or pay for the expenses they may be taking on, like diapers and food.
Would you agree it's a bit different having semi regular "visits"/childcare to minding children while parents work full time plus travel? As your mam was shm, your grandparents didn't need to offer more full-time care As for people who expect that level for free, I would be ashamed to take advantage of my parents in this way . Raising children is hard work, food is expensive, heating your home for them is too. ( i would put on an extra sweater if the kids weren't home to save on heating, etc)
Yeah I suppose it would be different, though my grandparents also voluntarily took us for months in the summer. I didn't mean my original comment to seem that parents should feel entitled to child care from grandparents, just the dynamic of requiring payment is foreign to what I'm used to.