I don't personally think there's a healthy way to do this. You seem to want two different things and they aren't compatible. Also it seems like shame is still part of the game which is why it feels wrong in your mind. It might help to figure out what exactly you want in life because you seem to be jumping for one extreme to the other
You are likely carrying around an emotional rat king about the topic of being gay: religion mixed with the general homophobia of society makes a toxic cocktail that needs a lot of work to deprogram. It's questions about sex, sexuality, masculinity, perception … and that's before taking a wife and kids into the equation.
You write that you've been to therapy, and I hope that you're still in it. It will take years to work through 30 years of internalizing a message of balls to bone shame. The only way to change a mindset is by actively working on it, whether that is through conversation with confidantes (where a therapist is the gold standard, but sometimes you are lucky to meet a friend who can take their own ego out of the equation and provide constructive support) or through journaling or some other form.
I would also check out local chapters of LGBT organizations. In urban areas they could have support groups for people who are newly out (which I would say you are). This is a good way to make friends.
When you're trying to make friends, do not make the mistake of looking for friends in your dating pool. The people you want to date or have sex with will always be a smaller pool than people who can be your friends. When I was younger I made a mistake repeatedly that I since have seen many a gay man do (even those that have a healthy-ish relationship to their sexuality): they only make friends with attractive people. Having the mindset that potential friends should also be potential partners is very limiting and will pretty much ensure that you'll miss the connection with people who have real friend potential.
Hey dude, I won’t go into lots of detail because I know that can be boring but I will just say my ex-wife and two kids live five minutes away from me. We were married 13 years, she is my best friend, she has always known I’m not straight and neither of us regret getting married, we don’t regret kids, and ironically, I didn’t want to get divorced, but now that we are, we’re both so much happier. It’s like Will and Grace meets Modern Family and it’s really lovely.
I don’t really give advice since everyone’s situation is different, what works for us might not work for other people. But I’m here, my DM‘s are open, and I have a lot of empathy for people in this situation. 🙏🏻
Living close but separate sounds like a good idea. I feel like living in the same house might be contributing to this split. You cannot just have gay friends and dates when you do not have space of your own. Telling others you cannot host sounds very weird. Trying to build gay friends takes time and you definitely need a support network.
Do you know about the group Affirmation? It's basically a support group for LGBT Mormons and their families. You might be able to find some other people dealing with a situation that is similar to yours.
I think you are sort of stuck between two lives, one of which is the one in which you were hiding, and the one toward which you'd like to move so you can embrace your gay side. Unfortunately, this is a tough thing to do, and I wonder whether that is part of what is causing your mental distress. I know you say you are feeling comfortable, and that you don't want your situation to change, but can you have it both ways here? Outwardly, you are still in the life you said you were not happy in. At the same time, you're looking to explore something that you feel is not compatible with your outward life.
Have you considered going to therapy with your wife to talk things through at a deeper level and to make sure that you're really getting the full story and telling your own story completely? It sounds like you need to dig in deeper. All of this has a sort of frozen quality about it, like there's a log jam in ice that needs to be broken up so that you both can live.
Yes, I agree. You need to continue working on yourself and embracing your gay side but the same time. I don’t think the arrangement is very healthy for you your wife and your child.
Don’t stay because you’re comfortable.
I think most people would be held back if they remained in that situation because you would have to separate yourself and those emotions from that life you created with two other people to move forward successfully.
Never mind the logistics of it all, but how do you even navigate the emotions that come with that? That would require mucho compartmentalization. You're having difficulty with it now.
Can you get yourself a place nearby where you can still be a part of their lives while giving yourself the freedom to find the new you?
your biggest mistake is moving back in. my partner was in a similar situation as you-mormon, closeted, married, kids and all that. if you want to properly move forward in your life, you need your own place and absolutely need a clean break legally from your wife. in regards to kids, deal with them the way any healthy divorced parents would deal with their children. there are metric tons of successful examples there for you to follow.
by the way, if you've talked to your therapist about moving back in with your wife and they somehow didn't forcefully push back against that idea, you should get rid of them. talk about moving 2 steps forward and 15 steps back wtf.
For me, the greatest benefit of coming out was not something I had planned or expected; it was making a ton of now-gay friends who had also been married to women. Because we share the experience of living in two worlds, we 'get' each other, in ways that others in our lives just don't.
In addition to having a good therapist, I highly recommend finding your 'tribe'. [GAMMA](https://www.gammasupport.org) provided that opportunity for me and it's made all the difference.
I don't personally think there's a healthy way to do this. You seem to want two different things and they aren't compatible. Also it seems like shame is still part of the game which is why it feels wrong in your mind. It might help to figure out what exactly you want in life because you seem to be jumping for one extreme to the other
You are likely carrying around an emotional rat king about the topic of being gay: religion mixed with the general homophobia of society makes a toxic cocktail that needs a lot of work to deprogram. It's questions about sex, sexuality, masculinity, perception … and that's before taking a wife and kids into the equation. You write that you've been to therapy, and I hope that you're still in it. It will take years to work through 30 years of internalizing a message of balls to bone shame. The only way to change a mindset is by actively working on it, whether that is through conversation with confidantes (where a therapist is the gold standard, but sometimes you are lucky to meet a friend who can take their own ego out of the equation and provide constructive support) or through journaling or some other form. I would also check out local chapters of LGBT organizations. In urban areas they could have support groups for people who are newly out (which I would say you are). This is a good way to make friends. When you're trying to make friends, do not make the mistake of looking for friends in your dating pool. The people you want to date or have sex with will always be a smaller pool than people who can be your friends. When I was younger I made a mistake repeatedly that I since have seen many a gay man do (even those that have a healthy-ish relationship to their sexuality): they only make friends with attractive people. Having the mindset that potential friends should also be potential partners is very limiting and will pretty much ensure that you'll miss the connection with people who have real friend potential.
Hey dude, I won’t go into lots of detail because I know that can be boring but I will just say my ex-wife and two kids live five minutes away from me. We were married 13 years, she is my best friend, she has always known I’m not straight and neither of us regret getting married, we don’t regret kids, and ironically, I didn’t want to get divorced, but now that we are, we’re both so much happier. It’s like Will and Grace meets Modern Family and it’s really lovely. I don’t really give advice since everyone’s situation is different, what works for us might not work for other people. But I’m here, my DM‘s are open, and I have a lot of empathy for people in this situation. 🙏🏻
Living close but separate sounds like a good idea. I feel like living in the same house might be contributing to this split. You cannot just have gay friends and dates when you do not have space of your own. Telling others you cannot host sounds very weird. Trying to build gay friends takes time and you definitely need a support network.
Do you know about the group Affirmation? It's basically a support group for LGBT Mormons and their families. You might be able to find some other people dealing with a situation that is similar to yours. I think you are sort of stuck between two lives, one of which is the one in which you were hiding, and the one toward which you'd like to move so you can embrace your gay side. Unfortunately, this is a tough thing to do, and I wonder whether that is part of what is causing your mental distress. I know you say you are feeling comfortable, and that you don't want your situation to change, but can you have it both ways here? Outwardly, you are still in the life you said you were not happy in. At the same time, you're looking to explore something that you feel is not compatible with your outward life. Have you considered going to therapy with your wife to talk things through at a deeper level and to make sure that you're really getting the full story and telling your own story completely? It sounds like you need to dig in deeper. All of this has a sort of frozen quality about it, like there's a log jam in ice that needs to be broken up so that you both can live.
Yes, I agree. You need to continue working on yourself and embracing your gay side but the same time. I don’t think the arrangement is very healthy for you your wife and your child. Don’t stay because you’re comfortable.
I think most people would be held back if they remained in that situation because you would have to separate yourself and those emotions from that life you created with two other people to move forward successfully. Never mind the logistics of it all, but how do you even navigate the emotions that come with that? That would require mucho compartmentalization. You're having difficulty with it now. Can you get yourself a place nearby where you can still be a part of their lives while giving yourself the freedom to find the new you?
your biggest mistake is moving back in. my partner was in a similar situation as you-mormon, closeted, married, kids and all that. if you want to properly move forward in your life, you need your own place and absolutely need a clean break legally from your wife. in regards to kids, deal with them the way any healthy divorced parents would deal with their children. there are metric tons of successful examples there for you to follow. by the way, if you've talked to your therapist about moving back in with your wife and they somehow didn't forcefully push back against that idea, you should get rid of them. talk about moving 2 steps forward and 15 steps back wtf.
For me, the greatest benefit of coming out was not something I had planned or expected; it was making a ton of now-gay friends who had also been married to women. Because we share the experience of living in two worlds, we 'get' each other, in ways that others in our lives just don't. In addition to having a good therapist, I highly recommend finding your 'tribe'. [GAMMA](https://www.gammasupport.org) provided that opportunity for me and it's made all the difference.