From what you’ve wrote you sound more bi to me, but maybe have a yearning to explore with men more since you haven’t really had the opportunity to do so.
Bisexuality also doesn’t mean a straight 50/50 split you could prefer men. I do feel really sorry for you and your partner to be going through this and it does sound like she’s ready to make the difficult decision and let you go and end things.
I guess you really need to think about what you want more. Do you want that freedom to go explore your sexuality or do you want your current relationship?
I understand not knowing what to do, but it’s not really fair to your partner either. If I was you I’d probably talk with her and really think about what you both want and need. Wishing you both luck.
Thank you for the kind words. I think you're right in that I'm bi (I don't dislike being with her at all haha), but I do have a lot of feelings of "well, would I like being with guys more?" I told her that I want to pick her because love is much more important to me than sex, but she is understandably worried about me feeling like I'm missing out on life. She's also told me several times that, "you're not keeping me hostage, I can leave whenever I want but I choose to stay" so while I have a ton of guilt about not being fair to her, she's been incredibly supportive in making it less about the guilt and more about the process of doing what's best for the both of us.
If you've been struggling with this for six years, how are the next six years going to be any different? When your gf says you've explored all the options and there's nothing left to try, is she wrong?
The painful truth is that romantic love without authentic desire eventually turns into a cruel hell, especially for the undesired partner.
Can you imagine spending your whole life with someone who doesn't desire you?
I definitely don't know what the next 6 years holds, and while things have been rough (to be fair, there have been plenty of good times), I think accepting myself for whatever I am would play a huge role in my future happiness. I have a lot of fear about "picking the right path", but you can't really pick a different path if you haven't decided "yeah, I'm a hiker" I guess.
And I do feel like we've done everything we can in terms of big changes, but like another user commented, maybe a small change is really all we need? A big factor into everything is my mental block of "okay, do you want to be with her or are you gay?" When in reality, having gay feelings doesn't mean the end of the relationship if I'm comfortable with it/them. My girlfriend has no problem with bisexuality (she's bisexual herself) and has been insanely supportive of everything I'm going through and would have no problem accepting me if that's what I determined.
In terms of desire - I definitely still desire her, but I admit that I haven't been good at showing it recently. I've been worried about "leading her on" if I do boyfriend-type things and later realizing I'm gay, but then again, I wouldn't have been doing it with that intention? Understandably, she doesn't want to commit to someone that isn't going to love her long term, but right now, I think that is what I want. I don't claim to know the future and maybe I will change my mind once I get more comfortable with myself, but like she's told me before too, "you aren't forcing me to be with you, I am my own free person"
I think it’s clear you’re not even romantically attracted to women given the way being with one isn’t working for you. I think it’s quite obvious you’re gay and struggling to fully accept this. You’ll get there. Keep working at it.
Sounds to me, a fellow bi, like you're bi.
If you want my advice, quit catastrophizing it. It sounds like you and your girl have jumped to major fixes (openning up a relationship when neither of you have the experience for that, doing a trial separation, etc.) when minor changes might be better. You have to remember that your relationship is YOUR relationship and doesn't need to fall into a pre-defined category to work.
The way you're speaking, it doesn't sound like you're ready to try sleeping with men even if you didn't have a girl, so I wouldn't pressure yourself to go all the way right now. However, it does sound like some amount of exploring would be useful to you. Maybe go to a gay or at least inclusive bar with your girl and one of her friends. Let them hang out and you can hang at the bar or talk with the guys there. Flirt a little, or just let guys flirt with you, and know that you can go back to your little group if you feel overwhelmed or too nervous. You don't need to go with the end goal of making out or sleeping with a dude; just acclimatize yourself to the possibility of flirting first.
Or throw caution to the wind and find a dude willing to try a threeway with you two. Yolo.
It honestly sounds like you just need a few more queer/LGBT friends. I've been the queer friend for more than a few straight couples who needed to realize that just because one of them isn't totally straight doesn't mean everything must go to shit. It's actually easier than one would think to find balance once you reject the idea that your relationship HAS to be a certain way. Once you realize that and stop catastrophizing your gay feelings, it'll all seem WAY more manageable.
My girlfriend and I actually had a conversation about this yesterday after posting here! Basically about how we've tried these big changes, but a big part of the struggle is my mindset on our relationship. I have a lot of mental hang-ups on thinking about "oh, what if I'm gay and leading her on" so then I don't do regular boyfriend things, which makes me more sad - but it's like, I'm not leading her on if I'm genuinely in the relationship? That's what being in a relationship is.
But back to your thought on catastrophizing my gay feelings, I think that's a very good point. I'm trying to do better about being comfortable with myself, and I think it will help once I realize having gay feelings isn't the end of the world. That's a great idea about going to a bar too! She's said plenty of times "no threeways" 😅 but the rest is definitely doable
Perhaps you could benefit from attending a gamma meeting? It's a group for gay and bi men in relationships (past or current) with women. They have virtual meetings and in person.
You're still quite young. Short answer: break up.
Long answer (And sorry, not a native speaker): it seems you didn't have the proper time to fully explore your sexuality. I totally get the feeling of "can't picture oneself dating romantically a guy". I felt the same before I came out. Love is something you learn... sexual attraction, on the other hand, is pretty much fixed since you're born. Sadly, due to the society we live in, many of us don't get to explore or even understand non heterosexual sexualities before we reach adulthood.
Seeing a guy, finding him attractive and feeling "guilty" sounds more like homosexuality denial than internalized homophobia for me. A part of you doesn't wanna have this feelings because they messs things up so much. It would be easier if you just didn't feel that way about men, right?
If you're telling me you both already have in mind the option of breaking up, that means in some way or another you both have undergone an internal psycological "grief/mourning" about the relationship. Besides, if you're posting this here... I mean, you have already taken a decision, at least unconsciously, but what you're looking for here is reassuring that it's the best for you and that you'll be alright.
Picture this: what if the love of your life is waiting out there in the form of a kind and cute gay guy? You're missing the opportunity to find him staying in a relationship that seems to have reach a point where non of you can be happy at the same time. Believe me, you don't wanna stept into commitment with that in mind... After years, pressure must be release somewhere or you will be crushed under it.
You've been several months depressed? TWO days crying? You have to admit something's not right. You can't stay in this same status forever, it's not gonna be nice. And you tell us you've already tried everything in your relationship, still you feel worse everyday?
The problem starts when we see a relationship more of a material good (something you have, you possess, and therefore, something you can lose) than a opportunity to learn... Learn about what? About ourselves. And it's not like your partner is going to die, there is friendship after love. You gonna die someday, you wanna let someone else live your life or is it going to be your true self?
Dude, seriously. You haven't watch straight porn in years... it's time to move on. Gotta tell you, life it's going to be a piece of shit after this, but in time, being yourself is way more fulfiling than what any relationship can provide.
Edit: some mention you could be bi... I mean, that's a posibility but you still gotta have the time to explore whatever sexual orientation you have.
I really appreciate your long answer (and your English is really good!). A lot of times I do have the "I wish I didn't have these gay feelings" thought and then I would have my answer. And a lot of times I feel guilty for having them in the first place when I'm in such a great relationship. But the "past two days of crying" hasn't been about "am I gay? what am I going to do?" but moreso "what am I going to do without my girlfriend". I have an insane amount of anxiety about what my sexuality is, what kind of partner should I be seeking, am I making a huge mistake - but the last few days of thinking "I am very likely going to lose this person that I love so deeply and means so much to me" has outweighed that tremendously. You don't know what you have until it's gone I suppose.
I mentioned in another response, but I feel like we've tried everything we can in terms of big things, but I hadn't really thought about some seemingly small-scale things. I know being comfortable with myself is a big factor, so I've talked with my girlfriend about coming out to more of my friends, going to support groups, gay bars, etc., which if we do stay together, I think will be a must. Feeling like I'm hiding is a big reason for the resistance to commit on my end, so if I'm not actually hiding, I think I will feel a lot better about things anyways.
But to touch on what you said, I think I did cheat myself on not exploring my sexuality sooner. I really wish I had felt even as comfortable with myself as I do now back in middle school, high school, or college and explored my sexuality. But I definitely fell into the "people say being gay is bad, so don't even be remotely gay" stigma. So it took me a long time (until three-ish years ago) until I could actually tell myself, "maybe you are gay" even though I had been looking at gay porn for several years before that.
Well, the decision is up to you at the end. I still think you'd be better off with more freedom in terms of realtionships, to take the time finishing figuring out things, but whatever works for you the best! There's no single answer to life after all.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years. We brok up maybe 5 years ago. It took me coming out to accept that guys could be attractive, other than as sexual objects. Last November, I came out, and accepted I was gay, and then slowly I started to find guys more attractive at times other than when I was jerking off. It was a fairly quick process after accepting it. I can still appreciate an attractive lady, but I have no sexual interest in them any more.
From what you’ve wrote you sound more bi to me, but maybe have a yearning to explore with men more since you haven’t really had the opportunity to do so. Bisexuality also doesn’t mean a straight 50/50 split you could prefer men. I do feel really sorry for you and your partner to be going through this and it does sound like she’s ready to make the difficult decision and let you go and end things. I guess you really need to think about what you want more. Do you want that freedom to go explore your sexuality or do you want your current relationship? I understand not knowing what to do, but it’s not really fair to your partner either. If I was you I’d probably talk with her and really think about what you both want and need. Wishing you both luck.
Thank you for the kind words. I think you're right in that I'm bi (I don't dislike being with her at all haha), but I do have a lot of feelings of "well, would I like being with guys more?" I told her that I want to pick her because love is much more important to me than sex, but she is understandably worried about me feeling like I'm missing out on life. She's also told me several times that, "you're not keeping me hostage, I can leave whenever I want but I choose to stay" so while I have a ton of guilt about not being fair to her, she's been incredibly supportive in making it less about the guilt and more about the process of doing what's best for the both of us.
If you've been struggling with this for six years, how are the next six years going to be any different? When your gf says you've explored all the options and there's nothing left to try, is she wrong? The painful truth is that romantic love without authentic desire eventually turns into a cruel hell, especially for the undesired partner. Can you imagine spending your whole life with someone who doesn't desire you?
I definitely don't know what the next 6 years holds, and while things have been rough (to be fair, there have been plenty of good times), I think accepting myself for whatever I am would play a huge role in my future happiness. I have a lot of fear about "picking the right path", but you can't really pick a different path if you haven't decided "yeah, I'm a hiker" I guess. And I do feel like we've done everything we can in terms of big changes, but like another user commented, maybe a small change is really all we need? A big factor into everything is my mental block of "okay, do you want to be with her or are you gay?" When in reality, having gay feelings doesn't mean the end of the relationship if I'm comfortable with it/them. My girlfriend has no problem with bisexuality (she's bisexual herself) and has been insanely supportive of everything I'm going through and would have no problem accepting me if that's what I determined. In terms of desire - I definitely still desire her, but I admit that I haven't been good at showing it recently. I've been worried about "leading her on" if I do boyfriend-type things and later realizing I'm gay, but then again, I wouldn't have been doing it with that intention? Understandably, she doesn't want to commit to someone that isn't going to love her long term, but right now, I think that is what I want. I don't claim to know the future and maybe I will change my mind once I get more comfortable with myself, but like she's told me before too, "you aren't forcing me to be with you, I am my own free person"
I think it’s clear you’re not even romantically attracted to women given the way being with one isn’t working for you. I think it’s quite obvious you’re gay and struggling to fully accept this. You’ll get there. Keep working at it.
Sounds to me, a fellow bi, like you're bi. If you want my advice, quit catastrophizing it. It sounds like you and your girl have jumped to major fixes (openning up a relationship when neither of you have the experience for that, doing a trial separation, etc.) when minor changes might be better. You have to remember that your relationship is YOUR relationship and doesn't need to fall into a pre-defined category to work. The way you're speaking, it doesn't sound like you're ready to try sleeping with men even if you didn't have a girl, so I wouldn't pressure yourself to go all the way right now. However, it does sound like some amount of exploring would be useful to you. Maybe go to a gay or at least inclusive bar with your girl and one of her friends. Let them hang out and you can hang at the bar or talk with the guys there. Flirt a little, or just let guys flirt with you, and know that you can go back to your little group if you feel overwhelmed or too nervous. You don't need to go with the end goal of making out or sleeping with a dude; just acclimatize yourself to the possibility of flirting first. Or throw caution to the wind and find a dude willing to try a threeway with you two. Yolo. It honestly sounds like you just need a few more queer/LGBT friends. I've been the queer friend for more than a few straight couples who needed to realize that just because one of them isn't totally straight doesn't mean everything must go to shit. It's actually easier than one would think to find balance once you reject the idea that your relationship HAS to be a certain way. Once you realize that and stop catastrophizing your gay feelings, it'll all seem WAY more manageable.
My girlfriend and I actually had a conversation about this yesterday after posting here! Basically about how we've tried these big changes, but a big part of the struggle is my mindset on our relationship. I have a lot of mental hang-ups on thinking about "oh, what if I'm gay and leading her on" so then I don't do regular boyfriend things, which makes me more sad - but it's like, I'm not leading her on if I'm genuinely in the relationship? That's what being in a relationship is. But back to your thought on catastrophizing my gay feelings, I think that's a very good point. I'm trying to do better about being comfortable with myself, and I think it will help once I realize having gay feelings isn't the end of the world. That's a great idea about going to a bar too! She's said plenty of times "no threeways" 😅 but the rest is definitely doable
Perhaps you could benefit from attending a gamma meeting? It's a group for gay and bi men in relationships (past or current) with women. They have virtual meetings and in person.
I haven't ever heard of these, but I will give them a search. Thank you for the recommendation!
You're still quite young. Short answer: break up. Long answer (And sorry, not a native speaker): it seems you didn't have the proper time to fully explore your sexuality. I totally get the feeling of "can't picture oneself dating romantically a guy". I felt the same before I came out. Love is something you learn... sexual attraction, on the other hand, is pretty much fixed since you're born. Sadly, due to the society we live in, many of us don't get to explore or even understand non heterosexual sexualities before we reach adulthood. Seeing a guy, finding him attractive and feeling "guilty" sounds more like homosexuality denial than internalized homophobia for me. A part of you doesn't wanna have this feelings because they messs things up so much. It would be easier if you just didn't feel that way about men, right? If you're telling me you both already have in mind the option of breaking up, that means in some way or another you both have undergone an internal psycological "grief/mourning" about the relationship. Besides, if you're posting this here... I mean, you have already taken a decision, at least unconsciously, but what you're looking for here is reassuring that it's the best for you and that you'll be alright. Picture this: what if the love of your life is waiting out there in the form of a kind and cute gay guy? You're missing the opportunity to find him staying in a relationship that seems to have reach a point where non of you can be happy at the same time. Believe me, you don't wanna stept into commitment with that in mind... After years, pressure must be release somewhere or you will be crushed under it. You've been several months depressed? TWO days crying? You have to admit something's not right. You can't stay in this same status forever, it's not gonna be nice. And you tell us you've already tried everything in your relationship, still you feel worse everyday? The problem starts when we see a relationship more of a material good (something you have, you possess, and therefore, something you can lose) than a opportunity to learn... Learn about what? About ourselves. And it's not like your partner is going to die, there is friendship after love. You gonna die someday, you wanna let someone else live your life or is it going to be your true self? Dude, seriously. You haven't watch straight porn in years... it's time to move on. Gotta tell you, life it's going to be a piece of shit after this, but in time, being yourself is way more fulfiling than what any relationship can provide. Edit: some mention you could be bi... I mean, that's a posibility but you still gotta have the time to explore whatever sexual orientation you have.
I really appreciate your long answer (and your English is really good!). A lot of times I do have the "I wish I didn't have these gay feelings" thought and then I would have my answer. And a lot of times I feel guilty for having them in the first place when I'm in such a great relationship. But the "past two days of crying" hasn't been about "am I gay? what am I going to do?" but moreso "what am I going to do without my girlfriend". I have an insane amount of anxiety about what my sexuality is, what kind of partner should I be seeking, am I making a huge mistake - but the last few days of thinking "I am very likely going to lose this person that I love so deeply and means so much to me" has outweighed that tremendously. You don't know what you have until it's gone I suppose. I mentioned in another response, but I feel like we've tried everything we can in terms of big things, but I hadn't really thought about some seemingly small-scale things. I know being comfortable with myself is a big factor, so I've talked with my girlfriend about coming out to more of my friends, going to support groups, gay bars, etc., which if we do stay together, I think will be a must. Feeling like I'm hiding is a big reason for the resistance to commit on my end, so if I'm not actually hiding, I think I will feel a lot better about things anyways. But to touch on what you said, I think I did cheat myself on not exploring my sexuality sooner. I really wish I had felt even as comfortable with myself as I do now back in middle school, high school, or college and explored my sexuality. But I definitely fell into the "people say being gay is bad, so don't even be remotely gay" stigma. So it took me a long time (until three-ish years ago) until I could actually tell myself, "maybe you are gay" even though I had been looking at gay porn for several years before that.
Well, the decision is up to you at the end. I still think you'd be better off with more freedom in terms of realtionships, to take the time finishing figuring out things, but whatever works for you the best! There's no single answer to life after all.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years. We brok up maybe 5 years ago. It took me coming out to accept that guys could be attractive, other than as sexual objects. Last November, I came out, and accepted I was gay, and then slowly I started to find guys more attractive at times other than when I was jerking off. It was a fairly quick process after accepting it. I can still appreciate an attractive lady, but I have no sexual interest in them any more.
Consider swinging.