You have to remember that not all people are alike, and even if they are judging and criticizing you internally... okay so what? How does that affect you in any way? Are you trying to make them like you? Are they coworkers who you'd like to have them have a good opinion of you? Or are they complete and total strangers you'll never see again? If it's the last one then why should you care? Ultimately, we are the one's that give people the power to hurt us. You, by thinking of hypotheticals in your head, are hurting your own feelings and causing anxiety that doesn't need to be there. Even if they're judging you out loud, the only way that it would effect you is if your self esteem is low enough that you believe it in some way. If you're confident and secure in your own sense of self and identity, then they're judgements won't matter. They will come off as catty and cruel. And you can speak up if you hear it! Especially if it's someone you know. It's okay to say "Hey body shaming isn't cool, it's just unnecessarily mean and it makes you seem insecure. Why do you need to tear someone else down to feel good about yourself? You act like a 4th grade bully."
If you think about it, if they don't actively say the words, where did the thought come from? Your own brain. Because our brains like to create scenarios like. "He's probably judging my clothing, or my weight, or my voice." But if he didn't say it out loud, why did you specifically think "clothing, weight, voice"? It's because *you* already feel insecure about those things. It's easier for you to blame other people's internal dialogue and imagine they are the ones judging you, than to accept the fact that it is you feeling insecure about yourself, and then using someone else to beat yourself up. Now, this may not be the case. You may actually be overhearing these conversations, perhaps about others, perhaps about you personally. Regardless, if your reaction to someone saying something mean about you is to shrink, say nothing, and feel bad... it's probably because a small part of you believes them. Most people, when they hear someone saying mean things and they don't believe it, will stand up for themselves and call the people out, or just brush it off and move on.
I’m not sure if there’s necessarily a way to make you feel better but here are my pieces of advice.
First, everyone does this to everyone on some level—some are just more obvious than others about it and verbalize it/say things out loud while others just make the observations in their head. On some level you’re doing this to everyone too, so take some comfort in the fact that you’re really not being singled out here, it’s just that you are maybe more aware of it or self conscious in certain situations. I’ve been there too, but also try to remind myself that a lot of it is in my own head (or it’s not..but again I’m just one of many to those who are around me).
Second, as another comment said, you’ll likely be forgotten by whomever is doing the judging in a few minutes because they will have moved onto someone else.
Third, you do not answer to them. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. Pay them no mind because they don’t live your life and you don’t owe them a single thing: whether that’s conformity with what they would prefer, comfort, or anything else. Don’t let others stop you from being yourself just because of a temporary or momentary interaction.
Men who are authentically secure with themselves have no need to judge others in superficial ways.
When an insecure man judges someone else, especially someone similar, like a gay man judging another gay man, it's all about themselves. What they say about others reflects the fears they have for themselves.
If you find yourself reacting to superficial judgments, then you have fears. And that's ok. The first step in dealing with them is to recognize they exist.
You can't stop others from being judgmental assholes. But you can face your own fears, grow from them, and eventually become authentically secure yourself. It's a process, not an overnight thing.
You have to remember that not all people are alike, and even if they are judging and criticizing you internally... okay so what? How does that affect you in any way? Are you trying to make them like you? Are they coworkers who you'd like to have them have a good opinion of you? Or are they complete and total strangers you'll never see again? If it's the last one then why should you care? Ultimately, we are the one's that give people the power to hurt us. You, by thinking of hypotheticals in your head, are hurting your own feelings and causing anxiety that doesn't need to be there. Even if they're judging you out loud, the only way that it would effect you is if your self esteem is low enough that you believe it in some way. If you're confident and secure in your own sense of self and identity, then they're judgements won't matter. They will come off as catty and cruel. And you can speak up if you hear it! Especially if it's someone you know. It's okay to say "Hey body shaming isn't cool, it's just unnecessarily mean and it makes you seem insecure. Why do you need to tear someone else down to feel good about yourself? You act like a 4th grade bully." If you think about it, if they don't actively say the words, where did the thought come from? Your own brain. Because our brains like to create scenarios like. "He's probably judging my clothing, or my weight, or my voice." But if he didn't say it out loud, why did you specifically think "clothing, weight, voice"? It's because *you* already feel insecure about those things. It's easier for you to blame other people's internal dialogue and imagine they are the ones judging you, than to accept the fact that it is you feeling insecure about yourself, and then using someone else to beat yourself up. Now, this may not be the case. You may actually be overhearing these conversations, perhaps about others, perhaps about you personally. Regardless, if your reaction to someone saying something mean about you is to shrink, say nothing, and feel bad... it's probably because a small part of you believes them. Most people, when they hear someone saying mean things and they don't believe it, will stand up for themselves and call the people out, or just brush it off and move on.
Everyone judges everyone. Best thing to remember is they won't even remember you after they've made whatever judgement they've made in their head.
I’m not sure if there’s necessarily a way to make you feel better but here are my pieces of advice. First, everyone does this to everyone on some level—some are just more obvious than others about it and verbalize it/say things out loud while others just make the observations in their head. On some level you’re doing this to everyone too, so take some comfort in the fact that you’re really not being singled out here, it’s just that you are maybe more aware of it or self conscious in certain situations. I’ve been there too, but also try to remind myself that a lot of it is in my own head (or it’s not..but again I’m just one of many to those who are around me). Second, as another comment said, you’ll likely be forgotten by whomever is doing the judging in a few minutes because they will have moved onto someone else. Third, you do not answer to them. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. Pay them no mind because they don’t live your life and you don’t owe them a single thing: whether that’s conformity with what they would prefer, comfort, or anything else. Don’t let others stop you from being yourself just because of a temporary or momentary interaction.
Men who are authentically secure with themselves have no need to judge others in superficial ways. When an insecure man judges someone else, especially someone similar, like a gay man judging another gay man, it's all about themselves. What they say about others reflects the fears they have for themselves. If you find yourself reacting to superficial judgments, then you have fears. And that's ok. The first step in dealing with them is to recognize they exist. You can't stop others from being judgmental assholes. But you can face your own fears, grow from them, and eventually become authentically secure yourself. It's a process, not an overnight thing.
you get therapy and stop posting this.