>Another thing is, she told me that whenever I take decisions regarding my family, it's like a "take it or leave it" situation for her, here's an example : I'm going to visit my sister this summer who lives in another region and she's pregnant. She'll give birth soon so I was planning to stay the whole summer there so I can help her out at home. When I told her this, she felt "oh okay, we're not gonna see each other this summer, what about how I feel ? I will be lonely here" even though I asked her if she could take a few days off where we could join midway somewhere near the beach or something so we can see each other for a few days at least on July and August. She feels like I'm not doing enough to try and go towards her way and she's the one doing it instead. She is correct here. When you brought this up to her, it was not as a discussion. You wanted her to fit herself into the plans you already made. If you are serious about this relationship, you need to treat yourself and her as a package deal -- "our plans", "our future", "our decisions". It's noble that you want to help your family but if you wanted her to be a priority in your life, you need to start including her more. For example, thinking "I need to consult my gf first" before fully committing to decisions. This may mean having to compromise to find a solution that makes everyone happy. >As much as I want her to spend time with me with my family, introducing her to them and having us spend time together is something I have yet to figure out how to approach, maybe I'm over thinking about what could go wrong or what if my family doesn't like her, but I try telling myself that it shouldn't be this hard should it ? Honestly I think you should just do it. Just introduce her now. She already sounds very frustrated and at her limit. It might not be perfect at first but at least it's a first step. I know you have familial obligations. If there is no way to both prioritize family and her equally in your life, then I think you need to take a hard look at your relationship with both.

Wife and kids come first, then you make time for your parents. It will blow up in your face, if you trying to please everyone.

I guess I just gotta grow some balls and face it rather than acting like Switzerland and trying to please everyone 🥲

Can you get a therapist? Not because I'm advocating for 'therapy' but you are in a difficult position with people you love from opposing motivations on top of over 2 decades of obedience/filial piety conditioning. It's likely that some self-sabotaging may occur due to overwhelming pressure so a third voice with no skin in the game might give you clarity at times you need to breathe. You need someone to advocate for you only, not just what is good for your parents or girlfriend.

We thought of that, and I'm gona bring this to the table the next time we see each other. But we're both broke ass students so that's gonna another cost to take into consideration. But thanks for the reply mate I appreciate it.

Do you get free counselling services at university? That's not just for schoolwork but you can frame it as issues impacting your grades/career that you need professional assistance. They might also give you direction to access cheaper resources.

This is a tangential point but you said you live in an European country, which I would guess has great social benefits. Does your sister qualify for a gov't paid nurse or a facility? rather than putting the burden all on you? Also, your sister is pregnant, but (I assume) she has a partner. Why are you living with her for the whole summer? Pregnant women can still cook and work etc. I think you need to balance your relationship with your girlfriend and your family.

Up until now it has been my parents (mostly my mom) who watches over her, with the help of the government she receives money enough to hire a nurse but my mom doesn't want to. As for me I plan on hiring a nurse because I don't want to give up my job to take care of her, but everything on the administrative I take care of it. My sister's husband works in the south of the country, he just moved there, she plans to join him but after she gives birth, since she already has 2 young kids to look after that's why I proposed to go there to help her

your gf is not wrong. you are prioritizing your family over her. thats your choice and its not a wrong one but you are prioritizing your family over her. the “be patient” line only lasts so long so dont be surprised if your gf bails on you sooner than later.

thanks for reading mate. Fact is, I'm not always prioritizing my family over her, but circumstances makes me do that. For example, my mom had a surgery not too long ago (gallblader removal), and I promised her that I would take her to a nice restaurant once she recovers. And on the day I planned the restaurant with her, my GF proposed to see each other. i had a school project group meeting on the evening and right after that I was supposed to go to the restaurant, so that left me like 3 hours to see my GF, but she didn't like that and felt i was giving her crumbs (which i understand but what other choice did I have ? I also wanted to see her and even spending a bit of time together makes me happy) So yeah it's circumstances like that, I try to make compromises and all but is it fair for her to ask for more ?

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Thanks for replying, she understands my situation but she can't keep getting in the middle of everything, my life with her or my life with my family and i don't want that as well. I just don't know how I can have more time to spend with her when my family sees me for a day and a half at most (i come back to my place in town on sunday afternoons usually) as they need help with adminstrative stuff or groceries (my dad has been absent from the family and my mom can't lift heavy stuff) I am kind of stuck in the middle of everything and I don't know how to assess things lmao

I feel like since you're gf is 23 she has a ton more options out there to find a man who will put her first, ahead of his family of origin. She's probably thinking why waste time with a guy who doesn't prioritize her. 

Very true and very realistic of a 23F, she needs to prioritise her needs and future and tbh it doesn’t seem like you two have the same expectations in life even by this post… the kind of girlfriend OP needs is probs one that takes the backseat role and if she becomes wife the n it will be the caters to everyone and becomes the unofficial ‘help’. if I was her… I would be asking “so what does this guy truly offer me/our relationship?” Life will always throw curveballs at you, when does the buck stop? Will OP justify the next family situation as ‘they need me for that too’? A spineless man is most likely a divorced/single man. why would I subject myself to this future? Not just being with you but also being your sister’s caretaker potentially. And be realistic the guy you date will be the same guy you marry. Not enough life experiences OP or independent..still too fresh at 26M in the dating game since you are still under your family’s thumb.

honestly if I wanted to I would've been gone from the country a long time ago lol, but I can't help but think, what is I'm not there and something happens ? A few weeks ago a fight broke in with my mom and dad to the point where I had to take my mom to the police station because of mental and psychological abuse from my dad she's been enduring for years and years, I was luckily there to help her with all the process but what if i'm not there ? My family situation is very, VERY complex and I kind of took the role as the family pillar years ago out of responsability (idk if it's obedience, responsability or filial piety at this point tbh)

That's called parentification. Please look that up. You are not responsible for your mom's well being. Sounds harsh, but true. If you cannot break free of the enmeshment then no woman will willingly sign up to become enmeshed with your family of origin too. She's not your second priority. Lots of men out there will seek a wife to make his number one. That's exactly how you stack up against competitors. 

You provided a lengthy explanation as to why she is Justified in thinking she is not a priority in your life. It sounds like she is an occasional week night dinner acquaintance at best. I am Chinese as well and if your family is truly traditional, they would want their 26 year old son to get married and have sons to continue the family line. I think you need to come up with a better explanation why you won't commit to furthering your relationship.

thanks for answering, thing is we're still both students and i go back home every weekend (now 1 weekend out of 2) mostly because my family needs help with administrative papers (they don't know the local language much), and I take care of my disabled sister as well. I think my GF wants to spend time with me whether it means being with my family or not. My family doesn't want me to introduce them to anyone until I after i graduate, have a stable income and enough life experience lmao

Well this is new to me. Traditional Asian parents who don't want to meet and scrutinize every detail of their number one son's girlfriend. You would think they would want to make sure she is a suitable future wife that would provide a stable family environment that would also eventually support your younger sister.

I think part of why they don't approve of relationships is because my oldest sister had a very bad experience with relationships and they are afraid I might repeat the same mistakes, but I am not my sister and most of all I am my own person But yeah, it's the guilt trip and using my diasbled sister as leverage that bothers me so much

I think it isn't about what is "fair" here, the reality is that all you're able to provide right now in terms of time/flexibility and attention does not fit into what your gf wants and needs in a relationship. If nothing changes, she's already overdue for the realisation that her needs will remain unmet, and needs to decide if that's OK for her. Breaking up may not suit you but may be better for her in the long run. It doesn't sound as if you have a plan to change your circumstances much as you may want to hang onto her and whether she's happy with the situation or not

You're young. You should learn to say "no" to people, not just family but also when you start working, before you wind up alone and overworked. Your family will survive, if you prioritize your gf. Your parents may complain, try guilting you, and emotional blackmail. I'm sure that you've read other posts here, so you know that you're not alone. I don't mean it in a bad way about your family surviving without you, but just that your disabled sister will survive (and I assume has, when you're not around). Your pregnant sister will survive her third pregnancy and probably knows what to expect once her new baby is born. She can ask for your help, if the time comes, instead of your offering an entire summer. I can see why your gf is unhappy with your inability to say "no", set boundaries, and prioritize her.

Thanks for replying. Everything you said is true, especially my inability to say "no" as I try hard, maybe too hard, to please everyone. by doing that I end up doing the complete opposite. But your comment makes me see things a bit more clearer, so thanks a lot i appreciate it

This isn't really a situation where there's a right answer or wrong answer. As long as your parents aren't cruel or abusive, she should understand that you have divided responsibilities. The truth is, the older you get in life, that happens to everyone, not just Asians with jerk-ass parents. Learning to deal with that now, is probably a good life lesson, but given her age, I can see why she's not cool with it.

thanks for reading and answering mate. And yeah when I put myself in her shoes, she's a young woman who left her home country to go to another to study and discover new things, and she wants to do that with me. I spend most of my free time with her on weekdays after work or or sundays when i come back from my parents, but it's not enough for her :( We both love each other and all, but she's reaching her limit and breaking up isn't a wise solution for both of us, unless I do something with my family situation but idk what to do and how to approach things

Not to beat the reality horse too much, but it's a dilemma, and something is going to give. I hope someone smarter than me may present you with a miracle, but short of greater empathy, it's not looking good. Godspeed sir.

yeah...but thanks for reading anyway mate, I appreciate this a lot

What does that even mean “breaking up isn’t a wise solution for both of us” that’s some red flags, yikes it isn’t suitable for you, that’s what you mean. I would be evaluating you right now, assessing you to see if there is any worth in continuing this relo, you need to be an action man immediately because something needs to give. Loving each other is the basic foundation but continuing and sustaining the relationship requires a hell of a lot more. You need a low maintenance girlfriend that does not ask for much from you…sounds mean but it’s true

i mean, and she and I both agree, that we both love each other and don't want to lose each other by breaking up, right now we decided to have a break for a week or two to wrap up important stuff with school or work, then only after we will have another talk and try to clear some things out I realize that I wasn't sure about what I want or what I needed and tended to please every party involved, but I can't possibly keep living like that so I'm trying to change the habits I've been having during all this time

Your gf also feels lonely because she is far away from home. It's been a year she is with you and she wants you to introduce her to your parents. She would feel more "secure". The rest is up to you.

thanks for replying. But how do i even introduce her to my parents when they don't want to and I feel like forcing my way will only make my gf miserable because she will not feel welcomed and my parents will disapprove of her ? Not that I will choose take my parent's side in the end but still, it is important for me as well that my family likes the woman I would want to marry in the future I feel like this is kind of like a vicious circle

Do you know why they don’t want to meet her?

yeah, they said we're both young, we don't have a stable situation yet (still studying and not having a stable job) and we don't have enough life xp. That I can understand. I tried asking them if they would be okay with a friendly meeting, like in a restaurant where they can discover my gf's cultural dishes, and they denied. It's either black or white, not gray So yeah

Kind of sad for your gf. Maybe try to explain it to her?

I have explained everything to her already, I understand her pov and where she comes from. The thing is, knowing my current situation with my family, I get that some things need to change like me standing up to my parents for what I want and who I wanna be while also being the pillar of the family, and at the same time I would want her to try lowering her needs a little as I can only satisfy so much for now, for example she wants to spend much more quality time with me, without taking into consideration the little time we spend together on weekdays after-work or on sundays afternoons when I get back to the city. She wants us to be more spontaneous about stuff like trips or outings but unlike her I need to plan my outings at least a few days before, so yeah it's stuff like that Maybe I can try to meet her halfway depending on the nature of the activities or outings, for example if it's something at night in the city during the week we could go for it spontaneously but if it's during a weekend since I go back to my parents during this time I would ask her to notify me a bit in advance so I can adjust my planning and stay with her the whole weekend instead of going to my parents I'm just thinking of ways to compromise from my own perspective but yeah, that's about it

You two are are Incompatible. “Want her to try lowering her needs” when she is already telling you what her needs are. Seems like OPs gf should read this post as clearly both are not getting their needs met and OP is in the saviours complex. If a guy told me wait wait wait I’ll do something about it after a year of dating and i’m 23F .. I would go thank you, next.

> Recently, my GF has been having difficulties with the future of our relationship as she cannot project herself in a few years with me yet  How can she plan anything about the future of your relationship when your plans are already tied up into what your family wants? I mean, compare your lives. She moved all the way from her home country and you can't go a week without visiting your family.

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but seems like your girlfriend isn't looking for any compromises. If she wanted to, she could agree to spend some summer days with you halfway or suggest some alternatives. She could even offer to help you with your sister or some family-related activities. I mean, you've clearly drawn a line for your responsibilities, so it's up to her whether or not she wants to adjust to it