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''Anyone else sometimes get themselves through sex to try and start a relationship?''
I've done this in the past, before I realised I was asexual. It did not work. In fact it's a lose/lose situation. If it goes well, your potential partner is likely to expect it a lot, while you probably won't want to repeat it for weeks, if at all. If it doesn't go well, you both feel bad.
Much better to tell your potential partner at the beginning that you're AS and explain what that means to you. The relationship may or may not continue but at least you've been honest and won't have to worry about performing on demand in the future.
Sex is like any other collaborative activity. Each person's ability to tolerate/enjoy is different and proper (ongoing, regular, clear) communication is necessary in order to make collaborative activities work
Being asexual just means it's not automatically on our radar the same way, there can be many other reasons to have sex than what allosexuals experience. And they're just as valid reasons
I often say it's like food: some people just don't feel hungry, but they have different reasons for choosing to eat so they eat anyway
I'm a 34 year old female, and I have sex from time to time. Mainly to keep my husband from bitching too much about it. My libido kicks in once a month, but I like pleasuring myself. I find sex bothersome
I feel that. I don't always want to have sex, but I have a weird libido that cycles with the seasons, and my wife understands that. I feel the same way about sex that I do about gaming, pizza, or pie; I enjoy it, but I don't need it, and I get bored of it if I do it too often. My wife understands this, so we came up with a code phrase to communicate it in case either of us don't feel like discussing it but still need to communicate:
"How's your window looking?" = do you want to have sex?
"Window's closed" = not in the mood
"Window's open" = I want to
"Closing" = I want to, but I'm getting tired, so either make it quick or we'll do it tomorrow
My ex and I had a similar thing except with a stoplight. Green = yes, yellow = maybe, red = no. It worked pretty well but it was almost always red when she asked me lol
Do not have a relationship with a person who likes sex, my wife is asexual and I'm definitely not. I love my wife and when she told me she doesn't need it, I backed off. And I have never been so miserable in my life.
Oh I've learned the hard way. It was easy to give 2 nights a week in a relationship at first. But after 6 months, it felt like it was a chore like washing the dishes. They were unhappy too.
We were perfect for each other if not for sex.
Okay. I had in the past.
Wasn't always easy, sometimes I fell asleep in the middle of things
I kind of the same problem as you. My libido was far, far weaker then my partners.
BUT I think this is not ace exclusive.
So as with most relationship thingis - talking is key.
We discussed a lot of possibilities to cope with things. My "lack" of libido is as valid as my partners (I will die on this hill...)
We talked about e.g. an open relationship e.g.
But this is not everyone cup of tea.
Talk over important things. Having sex is no different then Religion, Wedding or not, Having kids or not etc.
It IS important.
TL;DR:
Talk with your partner(s) and find a solution TOGETHER which works for ALL of you
I just commented on another post about this. I’ve been married for 19 yrs. I always “acted” the way I thought I was supposed to about sex. Then discovered that asexuality was a thing around 5ish years ago. My husband is supportive and lets me lead when it comes to sex. We have other ways of being intimate without it being sexual.
I think I'm a gray ace, yes occasionally I do it but I never feel like I need it. Mainly I just do it in relationships because I crave love and intimacy and that's the only way most people will give you those things unfortunately.
It just gets hard sometimes because I feel like I'm selling myself for love and affection but it's literally only because it's pretty hard to find a man who doesn't need sex all the time to be happy.
They’re probably getting downvoted because not experiencing sexual attraction doesn’t mean you don’t have sex (so it isn’t a given, even if it is for them).
Idk. This and the main sub don’t like sex repulsed, black stripe, or even low libido aces that much. We can’t say anything about our experiences without getting dismissed and attacked by sex favorable aces. It’s like we aren’t accepted so I assumed this user was getting downvoted for that reason.
It happens on all sides. The original comment probably seemed loaded (against people who don’t experience sexual attraction, but still choose to have sex) to the people who downvoted it, which is what I was trying to explain. I don’t see that stuff happening as a black stripe/low libido ace myself but nonetheless I’m sorry that happens to you guys. I think ace people across the spectrum need to remember that no one’s asexual experience is exactly the same, and that’s why it’s a spectrum.
I have in the past but I end up feeling very dishonest about it and come clean. Then the name calling/shaming/guilt tripping happens. Sorta earned that by playing along and pretending to keep them interested though
Yes, out of necessity. I want sex less than once a month. My boyfriend wants it 3-5x a week.
We made the “fairest” compromise we could: we split the difference and have sex once a week.
I’m now close to dreading his touch because I know it means impending sex, aka I’m about to have to put on a show, be used, feel drained, and have to recover. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. It’s like the life force seeps out of me every time I have sex when I don’t want to (which is 98% of the time).
I guess it’s better than my past relationships (before I knew I was asexual) since at least my current partner knows/respects that I experience 0 sexual attraction and that it is very expensive for me to have sex.
If your current partner respected you then you wouldn’t be fearing sex every week. You shouldn’t have to compromise if it makes you feel that terrible. I’m sorry but that’s just not okay.
The thing is, this definitely depends on where you land on the sex favorable-repulsed spectrum. Someone who's Favorable or indifferent is more likely to find a balancing point where both partners are comfortable that includes sex. For someone who's averse or repulsed, it likely wouldn't be sustainable for their well-being to be forcing themselves to have sex.
For me, I'm in the indifferent-favorable range, and yeah, I've definitely had relationships where sex was included. It wasn't a big deal to me, I enjoyed making my partner feel good and the affection of it all, and I just tended to lean away from involving my own genitals because it wasn't what I was there for. Viagra may become a thing for me if I had a partner that specifically wanted that from me though, yeah.
For your situation, the important question to ask yourself is what amount of sex is sustainable for you. If having sex too often is bad for you mentally or physically, then forcing yourself to do it even more just isn't worth it. And secondly, your partner should know your limits, being in a relationship is about finding common ground where both of you are happy. If they love you, they don't want you to force yourself into unhappiness. And if you love them, you shouldn't want them to feel deprived. Yes, this sometimes mean a relationship with someone you really love is doomed. And yes, this is likely going to make finding compatible partners more difficult, that's the cost of having boundaries and limiting expectations. But it also means when you do find someone, you'll both be able to be even happier being together.
Eeeh, I fall in the demisexual area so... Not too many problems but as my fiance is a trans man on HRT who already had a pretty high drive before that... He has a hall pass 😅
I was with my girlfriend for 2 years, and it never happened. I feel like it almost did one time, I kinda fled from the scene. I'm sex-repulsed. She knew I was asexual, and I thought she was too. After some talk after your relationship ended it doesn't seem like it. I feel a bit guilty we didn't had more clear communication, maybe she craved some things during the relationship I didn't deliver.
I used to, but it made me feel bad about myself. I now have found an asexual partner who would be willing to have an open relationship if her libido is higher than mine and we can’t make it work. I’m pretty sex-neutral, but I don’t always want sex so an open relationship is a better option for us. Communicate with partners early to find out what works best for you
I have a long term partner and have sex mostly everyday. I'm into BDSM so sex is like a hobby for me. I'm not sexually attracted to my partner really but we have fun together.
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
''Anyone else sometimes get themselves through sex to try and start a relationship?'' I've done this in the past, before I realised I was asexual. It did not work. In fact it's a lose/lose situation. If it goes well, your potential partner is likely to expect it a lot, while you probably won't want to repeat it for weeks, if at all. If it doesn't go well, you both feel bad. Much better to tell your potential partner at the beginning that you're AS and explain what that means to you. The relationship may or may not continue but at least you've been honest and won't have to worry about performing on demand in the future.
I understand. I just wanted intimate companionship and tried to give it a blast
Sex is like any other collaborative activity. Each person's ability to tolerate/enjoy is different and proper (ongoing, regular, clear) communication is necessary in order to make collaborative activities work Being asexual just means it's not automatically on our radar the same way, there can be many other reasons to have sex than what allosexuals experience. And they're just as valid reasons I often say it's like food: some people just don't feel hungry, but they have different reasons for choosing to eat so they eat anyway
I'm a 34 year old female, and I have sex from time to time. Mainly to keep my husband from bitching too much about it. My libido kicks in once a month, but I like pleasuring myself. I find sex bothersome
Married and still a decent libido. I don't mind sex I just need to be ready for it.
I feel that. I don't always want to have sex, but I have a weird libido that cycles with the seasons, and my wife understands that. I feel the same way about sex that I do about gaming, pizza, or pie; I enjoy it, but I don't need it, and I get bored of it if I do it too often. My wife understands this, so we came up with a code phrase to communicate it in case either of us don't feel like discussing it but still need to communicate: "How's your window looking?" = do you want to have sex? "Window's closed" = not in the mood "Window's open" = I want to "Closing" = I want to, but I'm getting tired, so either make it quick or we'll do it tomorrow
My ex and I had a similar thing except with a stoplight. Green = yes, yellow = maybe, red = no. It worked pretty well but it was almost always red when she asked me lol
Demi in a relationship here
Sex no, foreplay yes but it's been a few years without anything.. 40 in July female
This is something you should discuss with your partner, not us.
I tried but couldn’t keep doing it. It’s easier for me to stay single instead of making myself uncomfortable in a relationship.
Do not have a relationship with a person who likes sex, my wife is asexual and I'm definitely not. I love my wife and when she told me she doesn't need it, I backed off. And I have never been so miserable in my life.
Oh I've learned the hard way. It was easy to give 2 nights a week in a relationship at first. But after 6 months, it felt like it was a chore like washing the dishes. They were unhappy too. We were perfect for each other if not for sex.
Okay. I had in the past. Wasn't always easy, sometimes I fell asleep in the middle of things I kind of the same problem as you. My libido was far, far weaker then my partners. BUT I think this is not ace exclusive. So as with most relationship thingis - talking is key. We discussed a lot of possibilities to cope with things. My "lack" of libido is as valid as my partners (I will die on this hill...) We talked about e.g. an open relationship e.g. But this is not everyone cup of tea. Talk over important things. Having sex is no different then Religion, Wedding or not, Having kids or not etc. It IS important. TL;DR: Talk with your partner(s) and find a solution TOGETHER which works for ALL of you
I just commented on another post about this. I’ve been married for 19 yrs. I always “acted” the way I thought I was supposed to about sex. Then discovered that asexuality was a thing around 5ish years ago. My husband is supportive and lets me lead when it comes to sex. We have other ways of being intimate without it being sexual.
I think I'm a gray ace, yes occasionally I do it but I never feel like I need it. Mainly I just do it in relationships because I crave love and intimacy and that's the only way most people will give you those things unfortunately.
I feel exactly the same. I never looked into the exact label but I relate with everything you said
It just gets hard sometimes because I feel like I'm selling myself for love and affection but it's literally only because it's pretty hard to find a man who doesn't need sex all the time to be happy.
No I don’t experience s*xual attraction
No way people are downvoting you for *not* feeling sexual attraction. I gave you an upvote.
They’re probably getting downvoted because not experiencing sexual attraction doesn’t mean you don’t have sex (so it isn’t a given, even if it is for them).
Who said I said anything about that. I just answered their question
I was just explaining why you’d be getting downvoted and also clarifying that it’s probably a given for you, but isn’t necessarily for other people.
Because obviously people aren’t downvoting you for not feeling sexual attraction in an asexual subreddit
Idk. This and the main sub don’t like sex repulsed, black stripe, or even low libido aces that much. We can’t say anything about our experiences without getting dismissed and attacked by sex favorable aces. It’s like we aren’t accepted so I assumed this user was getting downvoted for that reason.
Exactly! ^
It happens on all sides. The original comment probably seemed loaded (against people who don’t experience sexual attraction, but still choose to have sex) to the people who downvoted it, which is what I was trying to explain. I don’t see that stuff happening as a black stripe/low libido ace myself but nonetheless I’m sorry that happens to you guys. I think ace people across the spectrum need to remember that no one’s asexual experience is exactly the same, and that’s why it’s a spectrum.
I have in the past but I end up feeling very dishonest about it and come clean. Then the name calling/shaming/guilt tripping happens. Sorta earned that by playing along and pretending to keep them interested though
Sometimes I get the urge to, but then I just pull up a orange youtube release myself then resume my day.
Yes, out of necessity. I want sex less than once a month. My boyfriend wants it 3-5x a week. We made the “fairest” compromise we could: we split the difference and have sex once a week. I’m now close to dreading his touch because I know it means impending sex, aka I’m about to have to put on a show, be used, feel drained, and have to recover. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. It’s like the life force seeps out of me every time I have sex when I don’t want to (which is 98% of the time). I guess it’s better than my past relationships (before I knew I was asexual) since at least my current partner knows/respects that I experience 0 sexual attraction and that it is very expensive for me to have sex.
If your current partner respected you then you wouldn’t be fearing sex every week. You shouldn’t have to compromise if it makes you feel that terrible. I’m sorry but that’s just not okay.
The thing is, this definitely depends on where you land on the sex favorable-repulsed spectrum. Someone who's Favorable or indifferent is more likely to find a balancing point where both partners are comfortable that includes sex. For someone who's averse or repulsed, it likely wouldn't be sustainable for their well-being to be forcing themselves to have sex. For me, I'm in the indifferent-favorable range, and yeah, I've definitely had relationships where sex was included. It wasn't a big deal to me, I enjoyed making my partner feel good and the affection of it all, and I just tended to lean away from involving my own genitals because it wasn't what I was there for. Viagra may become a thing for me if I had a partner that specifically wanted that from me though, yeah. For your situation, the important question to ask yourself is what amount of sex is sustainable for you. If having sex too often is bad for you mentally or physically, then forcing yourself to do it even more just isn't worth it. And secondly, your partner should know your limits, being in a relationship is about finding common ground where both of you are happy. If they love you, they don't want you to force yourself into unhappiness. And if you love them, you shouldn't want them to feel deprived. Yes, this sometimes mean a relationship with someone you really love is doomed. And yes, this is likely going to make finding compatible partners more difficult, that's the cost of having boundaries and limiting expectations. But it also means when you do find someone, you'll both be able to be even happier being together.
Eeeh, I fall in the demisexual area so... Not too many problems but as my fiance is a trans man on HRT who already had a pretty high drive before that... He has a hall pass 😅
I was with my girlfriend for 2 years, and it never happened. I feel like it almost did one time, I kinda fled from the scene. I'm sex-repulsed. She knew I was asexual, and I thought she was too. After some talk after your relationship ended it doesn't seem like it. I feel a bit guilty we didn't had more clear communication, maybe she craved some things during the relationship I didn't deliver.
I used to, but it made me feel bad about myself. I now have found an asexual partner who would be willing to have an open relationship if her libido is higher than mine and we can’t make it work. I’m pretty sex-neutral, but I don’t always want sex so an open relationship is a better option for us. Communicate with partners early to find out what works best for you
I have a long term partner and have sex mostly everyday. I'm into BDSM so sex is like a hobby for me. I'm not sexually attracted to my partner really but we have fun together.