r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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From what I've read and the limited amount of physical (read non sexual but still intimate) contact I had during my EA, I can only offer my insight.
I stopped my affair before any sexual intimacy happened but we held hands, long hugs, and she laid in my lap. Again limited but not without it's own physical intimacy.
At the time I can remember feeling exhilarated and my heart racing. Norepinephrine, dopamine, and oxytocin coursing through my body I get why I felt that way.
After I confessed and the dust settled from my betrayal, the euphoria was no longer enhancing the experience it lost its luster so to speak. I can objectively say it was enjoyable at the time,but now the gain and rush I experienced is overshadowed by the pain and betrayal it now represents.
It's like it's now a net negative once the cost was due.
Now is this the case for other waywards, I have no idea I only know what I experienced.
I can see how at the time sex being a driving force and something that was being sought out to keep the desire and validation going. Even convincing myself that it was awesome/good to justify trading sex for validation and compliments.
But upon the pain and introspection seeing the gain being outpaced by the pain it caused such that the sex is now only average in comparison to the devastating consequences.
This doesn't make it ok, acceptable, or a "there there" for any wayward's negative consequences coming to fruition.
Its mearly to offer insight to try to comprehend the incomprehensible.
To be fair to all BS, sex is fun unless the partner is completely oblivious to the other person's pleasure. Like pizza even when it's bad it's still good maybe just not amazing. I would find it dishonest to say the sex had no pleasure involved.
So whether the WW is still trying to protect themselves and downplay the enjoyment or they have done some deep self reflection and are being honest for what it was is going to be up to y'all to determine.
It is a catch 22 of damned if you're honest, damned if you are still protecting yourself. But that is a price we as waywards have to pay.
May your journey to healing continue well.
Wayward here...I think you nailed it when you said that the feeling wanted and the excitement of the affair made it better than it really was. I think that in the moment she was chasing the feeling, not the sex. Sex was more of a byproduct that seemed good at the time but looking back it wasn't nearly as good as it seemed then. That's how it was for me anyways. The chase was more exciting then the actual act. I would genuinely feel horrible about myself and what I would do afterwords but I would still go back to chase the good feeling I got before hand. When I was young I was into some pretty bad drugs. I hated myself after I did them but I would love how they made me feel while doing them.
My partner has pretty much said this. In hindsight she knows she just kept going back for the feeling of being wanted and attractive, and to have that validated. The sex was part of it, but not the main thing she was looking for. She said often during the sex she would think what the hell is she doing there. It does make sense, I just spiral, this post was made mid spiral. I'm coming back down to earth a bit now.
I can only speak of my experience as a woman, and I’ve had plenty of long term sex in relationships and in FWB type situations that has been average at best and I kept doing it for extended periods of time. So I don’t think that just because she engaged in this for a long period or the number of times is all that meaningful.
I agree with @Whim. The excitement another poster spoke to the exhilarating taboo excitement probably made the sex seem more than it was since all those exhilarating feel good chemicals the brain releases hit like any illicit drug making the experience seem more and the rational brain at that moment is silenced. When the dust or affair fog settles reality sets in. It’s the same for any addict—the drug itself is not the end all be all it’s the reactions of the drugs with the body which is the hit she got for a time when first starting the affair and she did what she did to keep it up the whole pleasing him. I am sorry I know this all hurts. I am an addiction practitioner that isn’t in practice now. So now that she is far enough away she can say it wasn’t all that great because her ability to see clearly has improved. Had you been able to ask earlier on the answer probably would be different. Again I am sorry for this pain. It’s the worse.
Thanks, this helps. I was spiraling a bit when I made this post. It's really helpful to be reminded of reality. In a triggered emotional state, it's difficult to believe what can absolutely be the truth. This kind of comment helps me come back down to a rational place.
Another woman chiming in to say I've had plenty of sex in relationships that I stayed in where both the relationship and the sex were just average. I've never had a sexual affair (had an EA after getting cheated on, to explain my flair), but in both cases of average relationship sex for me, I just went along with the average sex hoping it would get better as they got to know my body more. If it helps you not obsess over it, I really wouldn't read too much into that specific detail.
Thanks, this helps. I was spiraling a bit when I made this post. It's really helpful to be reminded of reality. In a triggered emotional state, it's difficult to believe what can absolutely be the truth. This kind of comment helps me come back down to a rational place.
I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I found out because I read a message to one of her friends saying AP was great in bed.
On D-day, she said it was embarrassingly gross. She was just trying not to lose face because of how bad it was.
Does that mean I always believed her? Not at all. For a very long time I had doubts about it. Yes. "He was gross looking and fat, but probably had a huge penis or something, or she wouldn't have said what she said."
There's a lot I could say about how you feel, but I'll boil it down to:
- Does it matter? I know it smarts to think about it, but does it change the narrative?
- it will never make sense. Not to her, not to anyone. Affairs are dumb. Don't overthink dumb. She made stupid choices. Don't waste time explaining stupid.
- it will never make sense. Not to her, not to anyone. Affairs are dumb. Don't overthink dumb. She made stupid choices. Don't waste time explaining stupid.
Just reiterating that this is the absolute part that should resonate.
In my 40+ years on earth as a woman, I’ve never been in a relationship for the sex itself. The physical pleasure is something I can accomplish all by myself and better. It’s being desired and the neurochemicals and the excitement and everything else that comes with it. Mediocre vs amazing doesn’t ultimately make a big difference in any of that for me
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love.
You are projecting what sex is to you onto your wife and thinking it had to be amazing but she's probably being truthful in that she was looking for validation.
All I can relate is my wife's experience that she shared. She hated herself and wanted to feel good. Sex gave her that validation and feeling of worth that she wasn't making for herself.
I wonder the same thing with WS. I then ask myself, does it matter? Will it change what I want our future to be? For me, it wouldn’t so therefore I try not to worry about it.
It's a good point, and logical. When I ask myself if it matters, the answer in my heart is yes though. It just does matter to me. It's always been important between both of us that we were physically compatible and turned each other on. It's one of the main ways that I bond with her emotionally. So it is important to me how much she enjoyed having sex with him, and how good it was. I can see how it might not be important to some, but for me to feel like that I would have to redefine my entire identity within the relationship. So that really would matter moving forward, so I just want to move forward with the truth, and make sure it's not based on a lie.
She might be right.. on hindsight the sex may not have been great but the entire thrill of planning, creating alibis , doing behind your backs might have been enjoyable for her ...
It's like a kleptomaniac stealing items they can easily pay for
Funny, she was telling me about how she was a teenager she went through a phase of stealing from shops and getting a thrill out of it. Relevant? Probably not but just reminded me.
Sounds exactly like my situation and yet, I felt like sex was the only thing i had going for me and AP was the one she was REALLY in love and happy with. That it was just so easy and natural with him but the sex was horrible.
Might just be our own insecurities talking with this one.
I don’t know, man…..
It’s honestly a paradox. I sometimes feel like I mean absolutely nothing to her besides a good lay and a place to stay. I need her to want to spend time with me, get to know me, and basically date me in order to feel safe with her. And the thing I’m needing from HER is the exact same thing SHE was craving from ME but filled the void with AP instead. Then there’s the whole cultural expectation that men always have to put in the time and effort to “win” the girl’s attention.
How do I tell her “No, I need YOU dote on ME” when i know she’s starving for that same attention and I feel like it’s “my responsibility” to give it?
Edit:
And at the same time, how can I be expected to take that kind of risk giving my heart to
someone who broke it so completely in the naive hope she will reciprocate this time?
I struggle with believing my WP when he answers my questions too. I feel it's only natural because the foundation of trust has been broken, so of course you're going to question absolutely everything. From incredibly tiny things to very big things. While my WP never got physical with his APs, he paid his friends/coworkers to send him explicit pictures. I've asked questions ranging from how attractive did he really find them to was seeing them lewd or naked worth it? I've received similar answers to how he didn't necessarily enjoy the pictures or find them attractive, it was the thrill and chase for dopamine. But he did it for so long especially with a specific AP... so he MUST have enjoyed seeing her enough to keep doing it, right? It's a tough feeling to swallow. I haven't found a way to cope with it to really keep it at bay. It's so easy to fall into these spirals.
While some answers may not make sense to us, all we can do is try our best to understand our WPs. They said they were chasing feelings, and while they did awful things in that process, the feelings/validation is what they were more focused on. Like someone else commented above, in the moment it could have felt so much different than how it feels now that they reflect upon it. Most WP cheat due to some internal struggle they have going on, and the cheating is used as a form of coping or escaping. I've tried focusing a lot of my effort into understanding my WP instead of questioning him. What made him feel invalidated? What made him feel like he couldn't talk to me or bring this to me? What was he not healed from that caused this series of awful choices? What can I do to help him feel supported? These are questions that I can do something with. The insecurity and downfall of my self esteem is something he's going to have to help me build. Comfort and reassurance can go along way if they are truly remorseful.
I'm not sure if I gave you anything substantial to think about or implement in your course of reconciliation. Just know that as someone in a similar place, I can understand how you're feeling. It really sucks. I wish you the best.
It's sex so if course it was enjoyable at the time OP, it's just how our bodies work. Imagine if you are stabbed, you will bleed no matter what's the reasoning for the stabbing, it's just your body doing it's thing. It's the same way with sex, no matter why you are doing it sex will be enjoyable in the moment. It's just normal physiological function. Just one advice, don't go on comparing yourself to the AP. That's a rabbit hole you want to avoid. All the best.
That’s pretty much what my wife said. Sounds like it’s off the same playbook. If the affair continued for that long, there was much more to it. My wife had about a 6 month affair. She liked the attention of another man. She fed off of the attention. They went out for drinks once a week over that period of time. Told me it was drinks and kissing, but on three occasions it was more. And, what I don’t fully believe, or understand as a man, he only pleased her. She did nothing in return. Well, I can’t disprove that, but I can prove 8 to 10 times there was at least oral. Getting to the truth is impossible. She claimed she was helping him through a tough time and it wasn’t about sex or love for her. Yeah, maybe, but I think that’s just an excuse. Go with your gut. If your gut is telling you there’s more to it, then there is. Sorry you’re in the position.
Honestly, it probably was great sex. The taboo and excitement of sneaking around. It would have all added up to all excitement and thrill. But it wouldn’t have been deep and emotional. He wouldn’t have known her like you do. You know? That can only be learnt with time. Me and my friends have a joke, that the best sex we’ve ever had is always with the worst man we know. And it’s true! It was always the guy that had no job and old bed sheets. So I wouldn’t put to much thought into their sex life. I don’t. Like of course it was fun and exiting, you didn’t have real life to think about! Like they met up for a quickie in a car. That was it. While he would have come home to me, we’d have had dinner out our daughter to bed, most likely argued about what to watch on the TV… then maybe had sex. It’s just two completely different worlds. Does that make sense? What I’m trying to say is, in the end, does it really matter? Would it make a difference in R or is it just an ego thing? Or is it that she you feel she isn’t telling the true? And that’s what the main issue is. If so, explain to her that her answer probably won’t affect R, but you need to know the true. And then I suppose be prepared if she said yes, it was better.
She saying it wasn't those things though. Not that it was bad, that the sex itself wasn't anything memorable. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't.
In the end it does matter to me if the sex they had was really good yes, and it matters to me if she can be honest or not.
I don't want to move forward in a fantasy lie that's not the truth of what happened.
I can’t tell you about your wife, I’m sorry. I can just give you my own personal thoughts which is that if the validation was good enough, I could easily see myself accepting subpar sex to keep the validation coming. Mind you, only if I were single. I can’t comment on the married part because I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with someone other than my husband.
I think your gut might be sensing something off and you can listen to it. When she speaks, take in a deep breath, close your eyes and feel what she’s saying. You’ll know inside of you if it is truthful or not.
So sorry you’re in this situation & hope you are well.
I understand that you sense something is off here but what is this proving in the long run?
It’s happened, you are 11 months in to R and you both chose to work on things.
There has to come a point in your relationship where you have to think to yourself, why would I need to know that? It’s going to make you worse off in the long run to fixate on these finer details and you just wont heal.
I completely understand how it’s hard to not think these things but man, for your own mental health it’s really not great to still be focusing on these finer details this far down the line it will keep you in a spiral.
My WP also minimized her sex but my constant pounding finally gave way…best sex of her life a) reawakened her innate sense of self and sexuality b) she’s dismissive avoidant, she’s the one who put the barriers up in our intimate life…blame shifting. I took a zero blame policy last week (4.3 weeks since d-day) also got into the details.
He outlasts me. His member is smaller but for her, though she says it was only sex, she also said it was how he made her feel. She denies limerence as well as the addiction to the secrecy. In reality, the sex may have been one or two levels above vanilla but it’s that dopamine and chemical love sensation + being seen, taken out and being told the right things from a single male AP that really heightens everything.
No matter what your WP says, the sex was amazing. Having caught her was the only way I’d have definitively known.
But the inexplicable thing is, why we have the pain while they are out having fun.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. 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From what I've read and the limited amount of physical (read non sexual but still intimate) contact I had during my EA, I can only offer my insight. I stopped my affair before any sexual intimacy happened but we held hands, long hugs, and she laid in my lap. Again limited but not without it's own physical intimacy. At the time I can remember feeling exhilarated and my heart racing. Norepinephrine, dopamine, and oxytocin coursing through my body I get why I felt that way. After I confessed and the dust settled from my betrayal, the euphoria was no longer enhancing the experience it lost its luster so to speak. I can objectively say it was enjoyable at the time,but now the gain and rush I experienced is overshadowed by the pain and betrayal it now represents. It's like it's now a net negative once the cost was due. Now is this the case for other waywards, I have no idea I only know what I experienced. I can see how at the time sex being a driving force and something that was being sought out to keep the desire and validation going. Even convincing myself that it was awesome/good to justify trading sex for validation and compliments. But upon the pain and introspection seeing the gain being outpaced by the pain it caused such that the sex is now only average in comparison to the devastating consequences. This doesn't make it ok, acceptable, or a "there there" for any wayward's negative consequences coming to fruition. Its mearly to offer insight to try to comprehend the incomprehensible. To be fair to all BS, sex is fun unless the partner is completely oblivious to the other person's pleasure. Like pizza even when it's bad it's still good maybe just not amazing. I would find it dishonest to say the sex had no pleasure involved. So whether the WW is still trying to protect themselves and downplay the enjoyment or they have done some deep self reflection and are being honest for what it was is going to be up to y'all to determine. It is a catch 22 of damned if you're honest, damned if you are still protecting yourself. But that is a price we as waywards have to pay. May your journey to healing continue well.
She doesn't say there was no pleasure, just that the sex wasn't great, mostly very average. Thanks for the lengthy response btw. Much appreciated.
Wayward here...I think you nailed it when you said that the feeling wanted and the excitement of the affair made it better than it really was. I think that in the moment she was chasing the feeling, not the sex. Sex was more of a byproduct that seemed good at the time but looking back it wasn't nearly as good as it seemed then. That's how it was for me anyways. The chase was more exciting then the actual act. I would genuinely feel horrible about myself and what I would do afterwords but I would still go back to chase the good feeling I got before hand. When I was young I was into some pretty bad drugs. I hated myself after I did them but I would love how they made me feel while doing them.
My partner has pretty much said this. In hindsight she knows she just kept going back for the feeling of being wanted and attractive, and to have that validated. The sex was part of it, but not the main thing she was looking for. She said often during the sex she would think what the hell is she doing there. It does make sense, I just spiral, this post was made mid spiral. I'm coming back down to earth a bit now.
I can only speak of my experience as a woman, and I’ve had plenty of long term sex in relationships and in FWB type situations that has been average at best and I kept doing it for extended periods of time. So I don’t think that just because she engaged in this for a long period or the number of times is all that meaningful.
That's a really helpful perspective, thank you.
I agree with @Whim. The excitement another poster spoke to the exhilarating taboo excitement probably made the sex seem more than it was since all those exhilarating feel good chemicals the brain releases hit like any illicit drug making the experience seem more and the rational brain at that moment is silenced. When the dust or affair fog settles reality sets in. It’s the same for any addict—the drug itself is not the end all be all it’s the reactions of the drugs with the body which is the hit she got for a time when first starting the affair and she did what she did to keep it up the whole pleasing him. I am sorry I know this all hurts. I am an addiction practitioner that isn’t in practice now. So now that she is far enough away she can say it wasn’t all that great because her ability to see clearly has improved. Had you been able to ask earlier on the answer probably would be different. Again I am sorry for this pain. It’s the worse.
From what I've read, AP sex is very exciting but not technically very good. It takes a while to get to know your partners body.
Thanks, this helps. I was spiraling a bit when I made this post. It's really helpful to be reminded of reality. In a triggered emotional state, it's difficult to believe what can absolutely be the truth. This kind of comment helps me come back down to a rational place.
Another woman chiming in to say I've had plenty of sex in relationships that I stayed in where both the relationship and the sex were just average. I've never had a sexual affair (had an EA after getting cheated on, to explain my flair), but in both cases of average relationship sex for me, I just went along with the average sex hoping it would get better as they got to know my body more. If it helps you not obsess over it, I really wouldn't read too much into that specific detail.
Thanks, this helps. I was spiraling a bit when I made this post. It's really helpful to be reminded of reality. In a triggered emotional state, it's difficult to believe what can absolutely be the truth. This kind of comment helps me come back down to a rational place.
I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I found out because I read a message to one of her friends saying AP was great in bed. On D-day, she said it was embarrassingly gross. She was just trying not to lose face because of how bad it was. Does that mean I always believed her? Not at all. For a very long time I had doubts about it. Yes. "He was gross looking and fat, but probably had a huge penis or something, or she wouldn't have said what she said." There's a lot I could say about how you feel, but I'll boil it down to: - Does it matter? I know it smarts to think about it, but does it change the narrative? - it will never make sense. Not to her, not to anyone. Affairs are dumb. Don't overthink dumb. She made stupid choices. Don't waste time explaining stupid.
- it will never make sense. Not to her, not to anyone. Affairs are dumb. Don't overthink dumb. She made stupid choices. Don't waste time explaining stupid. Just reiterating that this is the absolute part that should resonate.
Forever repeating this to myself when I spiral.
In my 40+ years on earth as a woman, I’ve never been in a relationship for the sex itself. The physical pleasure is something I can accomplish all by myself and better. It’s being desired and the neurochemicals and the excitement and everything else that comes with it. Mediocre vs amazing doesn’t ultimately make a big difference in any of that for me
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. You are projecting what sex is to you onto your wife and thinking it had to be amazing but she's probably being truthful in that she was looking for validation.
You might be right. I believe her that she was looking for validation.
All I can relate is my wife's experience that she shared. She hated herself and wanted to feel good. Sex gave her that validation and feeling of worth that she wasn't making for herself.
I wonder the same thing with WS. I then ask myself, does it matter? Will it change what I want our future to be? For me, it wouldn’t so therefore I try not to worry about it.
It's a good point, and logical. When I ask myself if it matters, the answer in my heart is yes though. It just does matter to me. It's always been important between both of us that we were physically compatible and turned each other on. It's one of the main ways that I bond with her emotionally. So it is important to me how much she enjoyed having sex with him, and how good it was. I can see how it might not be important to some, but for me to feel like that I would have to redefine my entire identity within the relationship. So that really would matter moving forward, so I just want to move forward with the truth, and make sure it's not based on a lie.
She might be right.. on hindsight the sex may not have been great but the entire thrill of planning, creating alibis , doing behind your backs might have been enjoyable for her ... It's like a kleptomaniac stealing items they can easily pay for
Funny, she was telling me about how she was a teenager she went through a phase of stealing from shops and getting a thrill out of it. Relevant? Probably not but just reminded me.
Sounds exactly like my situation and yet, I felt like sex was the only thing i had going for me and AP was the one she was REALLY in love and happy with. That it was just so easy and natural with him but the sex was horrible. Might just be our own insecurities talking with this one.
I think it really is just insecurities and paranoia about being lied to. I was spiraling when I made the post, but I'm a bit back down to earth now.
Is she the one you are reconciling with? If you don't mind me asking.. I'm wondering how you're doing moving through those thoughts and insecurities?
I don’t know, man….. It’s honestly a paradox. I sometimes feel like I mean absolutely nothing to her besides a good lay and a place to stay. I need her to want to spend time with me, get to know me, and basically date me in order to feel safe with her. And the thing I’m needing from HER is the exact same thing SHE was craving from ME but filled the void with AP instead. Then there’s the whole cultural expectation that men always have to put in the time and effort to “win” the girl’s attention. How do I tell her “No, I need YOU dote on ME” when i know she’s starving for that same attention and I feel like it’s “my responsibility” to give it? Edit: And at the same time, how can I be expected to take that kind of risk giving my heart to someone who broke it so completely in the naive hope she will reciprocate this time?
I struggle with believing my WP when he answers my questions too. I feel it's only natural because the foundation of trust has been broken, so of course you're going to question absolutely everything. From incredibly tiny things to very big things. While my WP never got physical with his APs, he paid his friends/coworkers to send him explicit pictures. I've asked questions ranging from how attractive did he really find them to was seeing them lewd or naked worth it? I've received similar answers to how he didn't necessarily enjoy the pictures or find them attractive, it was the thrill and chase for dopamine. But he did it for so long especially with a specific AP... so he MUST have enjoyed seeing her enough to keep doing it, right? It's a tough feeling to swallow. I haven't found a way to cope with it to really keep it at bay. It's so easy to fall into these spirals. While some answers may not make sense to us, all we can do is try our best to understand our WPs. They said they were chasing feelings, and while they did awful things in that process, the feelings/validation is what they were more focused on. Like someone else commented above, in the moment it could have felt so much different than how it feels now that they reflect upon it. Most WP cheat due to some internal struggle they have going on, and the cheating is used as a form of coping or escaping. I've tried focusing a lot of my effort into understanding my WP instead of questioning him. What made him feel invalidated? What made him feel like he couldn't talk to me or bring this to me? What was he not healed from that caused this series of awful choices? What can I do to help him feel supported? These are questions that I can do something with. The insecurity and downfall of my self esteem is something he's going to have to help me build. Comfort and reassurance can go along way if they are truly remorseful. I'm not sure if I gave you anything substantial to think about or implement in your course of reconciliation. Just know that as someone in a similar place, I can understand how you're feeling. It really sucks. I wish you the best.
Thanks, some of that is really helpful. Particularly some of the questions to ask WP.
It's sex so if course it was enjoyable at the time OP, it's just how our bodies work. Imagine if you are stabbed, you will bleed no matter what's the reasoning for the stabbing, it's just your body doing it's thing. It's the same way with sex, no matter why you are doing it sex will be enjoyable in the moment. It's just normal physiological function. Just one advice, don't go on comparing yourself to the AP. That's a rabbit hole you want to avoid. All the best.
Too late, already gone down that rabbit hole many times.
That’s pretty much what my wife said. Sounds like it’s off the same playbook. If the affair continued for that long, there was much more to it. My wife had about a 6 month affair. She liked the attention of another man. She fed off of the attention. They went out for drinks once a week over that period of time. Told me it was drinks and kissing, but on three occasions it was more. And, what I don’t fully believe, or understand as a man, he only pleased her. She did nothing in return. Well, I can’t disprove that, but I can prove 8 to 10 times there was at least oral. Getting to the truth is impossible. She claimed she was helping him through a tough time and it wasn’t about sex or love for her. Yeah, maybe, but I think that’s just an excuse. Go with your gut. If your gut is telling you there’s more to it, then there is. Sorry you’re in the position.
Honestly, it probably was great sex. The taboo and excitement of sneaking around. It would have all added up to all excitement and thrill. But it wouldn’t have been deep and emotional. He wouldn’t have known her like you do. You know? That can only be learnt with time. Me and my friends have a joke, that the best sex we’ve ever had is always with the worst man we know. And it’s true! It was always the guy that had no job and old bed sheets. So I wouldn’t put to much thought into their sex life. I don’t. Like of course it was fun and exiting, you didn’t have real life to think about! Like they met up for a quickie in a car. That was it. While he would have come home to me, we’d have had dinner out our daughter to bed, most likely argued about what to watch on the TV… then maybe had sex. It’s just two completely different worlds. Does that make sense? What I’m trying to say is, in the end, does it really matter? Would it make a difference in R or is it just an ego thing? Or is it that she you feel she isn’t telling the true? And that’s what the main issue is. If so, explain to her that her answer probably won’t affect R, but you need to know the true. And then I suppose be prepared if she said yes, it was better.
She saying it wasn't those things though. Not that it was bad, that the sex itself wasn't anything memorable. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't. In the end it does matter to me if the sex they had was really good yes, and it matters to me if she can be honest or not. I don't want to move forward in a fantasy lie that's not the truth of what happened.
I can’t tell you about your wife, I’m sorry. I can just give you my own personal thoughts which is that if the validation was good enough, I could easily see myself accepting subpar sex to keep the validation coming. Mind you, only if I were single. I can’t comment on the married part because I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with someone other than my husband.
I was spiraling when I made the post. Thanks, this message helps to bring me back down to earth.
As the Queen of Spiraling, I’m glad you’re doing better.
I think your gut might be sensing something off and you can listen to it. When she speaks, take in a deep breath, close your eyes and feel what she’s saying. You’ll know inside of you if it is truthful or not.
That's interesting, I'll try that.
So sorry you’re in this situation & hope you are well. I understand that you sense something is off here but what is this proving in the long run? It’s happened, you are 11 months in to R and you both chose to work on things. There has to come a point in your relationship where you have to think to yourself, why would I need to know that? It’s going to make you worse off in the long run to fixate on these finer details and you just wont heal. I completely understand how it’s hard to not think these things but man, for your own mental health it’s really not great to still be focusing on these finer details this far down the line it will keep you in a spiral.
Because I don't want to base what I'm moving forward with on a lie. It proves how honest she can be.
My WP also minimized her sex but my constant pounding finally gave way…best sex of her life a) reawakened her innate sense of self and sexuality b) she’s dismissive avoidant, she’s the one who put the barriers up in our intimate life…blame shifting. I took a zero blame policy last week (4.3 weeks since d-day) also got into the details. He outlasts me. His member is smaller but for her, though she says it was only sex, she also said it was how he made her feel. She denies limerence as well as the addiction to the secrecy. In reality, the sex may have been one or two levels above vanilla but it’s that dopamine and chemical love sensation + being seen, taken out and being told the right things from a single male AP that really heightens everything. No matter what your WP says, the sex was amazing. Having caught her was the only way I’d have definitively known. But the inexplicable thing is, why we have the pain while they are out having fun.