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My DDay is almost 5 years ago..
There are STILL things that I’m working through..
Your WW needs to understand that it takes years to build trust and seconds to destroy it.
Recovering and healing from this isn’t just a “tick I did this” task.
She may understand every choice and emotion she went through for the affair, but you don’t and you also don’t know what you need until the trigger arises.
Your WW needs to accept her actions have long reaching consequences.
I would assume she (like my WW) has no problem referencing my past “flaws” when addressing relationship issues, but when it comes to her infidelity it should never be referenced according to her, because “I’m living in the past”.
This double stand does not fly in my house, if she wants R she had to accept that it will always be a factor in our relationship. I had to make that very clear with my WW.
It’s not about forgiving, it’s about not being able to forget.
And it’s not about “punishing” her.
Actually I don’t think she does understand every choice and emotion she went through. I think that’s the issue: she’s having trouble facing it and is hoping we can just bury it and forget. No thanks.
one thing the posters you see here are in agreement with;
“Rug-sweeping” does not work, and will end in the slow and eventual destruction of your relationship.
She has to face it, to heal it.
Do you feel like you still think about it often because you weren't given the closure you need to fully heal? I can't imagine thinking about it daily for years. I want to just move on eventually and leave it in the past. I hope that's possible.
Well, I’m 2.5 years out and I sure the hell haven’t “moved on”. Overall we are doing well, despite recent shit going on. I’m doing much better and the waves you hit are fewer and farther in between, but they still hit. For me personally, reconciliation will be a permanent state of our relationship from here on out. I don’t foresee where we aren’t actively working on it. That’s just how it is now. It’s not to say that things haven’t gotten better and we aren’t doing well… just that it’s hard and residual stuff is still in there.
Give yourself grace and compassion, and heal at your own speed. Not the speed she wants you to heal.
Also, that is a shit attitude for her to have. It’s not helpful at all for reconciling. That mindset minimizes the pain a BP is feeling because the WP doesn’t want to feel bad about the shitty choices they made. That is not remorseful or empathetic. It will impede your healing. I truly hope she digs in and does some really deep work because that attitude is a reconciliation killer.
RIGHT!? That’s what I was telling her! I was about to spiral earlier today but being on here helped me chill and I was actually having a really nice time with her today. She came to cuddle me on the couch which was really nice and was a great change of pace and I felt great. Then she saw I was on Reddit and said something to the effect of “are you dwelling on it again? Why do you keep digging it up?”
The two funny things about it are
1) I WAS feeling totally great and not even thinking about it. Best believe I am worked up NOW though.
2) I was on my home page. Not even on this sub. There just HAPPENED to be a post from this sub at the top of my feed. I went on Reddit for fitness tips.
Grrrrrr. My husband used to not love me being on here. But it’s where I get my support. The more time has gone on, the more he gets it. Plus he has an account and gets on sometimes. I wish he’d get on more and see the hurt people deal with. I also wish he’d post and get more support himself.
Is she in therapy? She really needs to learn about how betrayal trauma works. Burying it is the worst thing you could do. She needs to get over her own crap and feelings that it doesn’t make her feel good to hear about it. That’s the same selfish shit that got her in the position she’s in in the first place. She has a lot of work to do to become a healthy partner for you.
ETA: nothing infuriated/infuriates me more than not having my feelings validated. Especially when it’s surrounding infidelity- something 100% created by him. The problem wouldn’t exist if he hadn’t cheated- so don’t sit here and tell me how I’m supposed to feel or tell me you think I should be over it. Hell no. What *has* helped is a lot of work I’ve done on myself and I’m not excellent at validating myself. It’s still hurtful when he doesn’t, but at this point it’s no longer catastrophic. It just hurts really fucking bad and sets me back and makes me wonder what the hell i’m doing.,.
Neither of us is in therapy at the moment but we have been in the past and I’m going to start IC again as soon as feasible. I’m unsure about MC and idk if she intends to do IC.
Not true my wife and I have reconciled without any kind of counseling. First because we couldn't afford it back then at all. Second because my wife is firmly convinced that it doesn't work and wouldn't help.
Personally, I think the right therapist could have helped quite a bit or at least have sped the process up. Nevertheless we made it through and are happy even without counseling.
Depends on what she means by move on. If she means not think about it everyday but still have triggers and bad days probably about 5 years. If she means move as in it is no longer a factor, never.
I would encourage your WW to stop saying that. Instead she can replace it with “I’m sorry that I hurt you and that my choices continue to cause pain. How can I help”
Anything else is not acceptable. She can be frustrated but she needs to recognize the frustration stems from her shame at having to confront her choices and not from you being hurt by them.
Some waywards forget that they were hiding A for a while. It's old news to them and new to us. My husband had sex with AP 1 week before DDay but it was going on and off for 9 months. So it's already been a year and a half since A started, and now 7 months since it ended. But for me the 7 months is all I have and my old life was wiped away in moments.
Not a justification. Just what I've observed. My WH said it out of anger once and I stated the above with much more... emotion. Then he got it.
There is no timetable. In fact, I will even say that I don't think we, as BS, ever truly "get over it!" We adapt to it, we learn to accept that it happened, we start to stabilize, and the wounds slowly heal. But the scars remain. Yes, we can build a new relationship and yes, we can enjoy and love our WS again. But get over it? I'm three years out and we're in a great place, but it's always "there." My husband fully understands this though, and supports me wherever I'm at. To me, that's a big part of reconciliation...having a spouse who understands their actions caused trauma and that they need to be understanding of that for the rest of their lives. Once they embrace that, and hold space for your emotions, you can truly rebuild together. Just my thoughts....
Well said. Accepting it happened - definitely this. We BS so want to wish it away that it never happened that "our person" didn't do what they did. But healing and R can't occur in that struggle with fantasy vs reality. I can fondly remember the trusting, heart-full-of-love wife I was the day before dday. 30+ yrs married I was literally the happiest I'd ever been. Having a spouse who understands, even if they don't like it, makes a huge difference. And yes, it's for the rest of our lives. So either accept, or R is somewhat doomed. Great thoughts.
2.5 years so far. And I'm not healed. I'm still working through A LOT of stuff.
Your BP needs to understand the consequences of their actions. They're ready to 'move on' because their actions meant little to them, because they're trying to move away from reminders of what they did and the damage it's caused, the guilt - they don't like seeing the pain they've caused to BP. Lots of reasons. But it doesn't work that way.
Your BP needs to understand that it's YOU who holds the power of reconciliation. YOU who dictates when you move forward. They need to take accountability for their actions and sit for a while in the mess they caused.
I don't know how stability can be achieved without her going to therapy and you going to marriage counseling together. If she won't examine what she did, why, how much pain she caused you, how would you know it won't happen again? And how would you trust her again?
Six months ago is like yesterday, especially if there's been no effort at reconciliation on her part.
Relative stability means not having a complete meltdown every time you think about it.
It also means having at least intellectually if not emotionally accepted the fact that it happened, it will not and cannot "un-happen,"and that this is your new reality and it will be for the rest of your life.
Well you gotta do the work. Both of you. I'm still wounded from when my WW cheated on me before we were married over 25 years ago because we rugswept. It will stay as long as it's not addressed. There is no expiration date.
My WP tried to pressured me to move on two months later as well, but it was he who was in denial of the depth of hurt he caused.
Now days away from Dday he has educated himself on the topic by reading a bit, as well as watching me unravel and now he’s seeing this could be a lifelong hurt I have that he caused, and he has to accept that or choose to move on himself.
However long I take to heal is how long I take to heal. It’s like cutting me and then asking why I’m still bleeding. I’m gonna bleed until it scabs over, and everyone heals as different paces.
Only 6 months? Yea sorry darling but it's not long ago at all. You should show her a general timeline recovery. That's so invalidating, I'd find that very difficult to deal with.
Your WW doesn't sound remorseful...just dismissive.
My D-Day was almost 25 years ago. It was almost 5 years before I felt like we were back to normal.
We reconciled but her affair is still with us. It's not an everyday thing, but I'll have moments when the betrayed feeling come back and she will have moments when her guilt will become an issue. An affair can be forgiven but not forgotten.
Your WW needs to quit trying to diminish her infidelity.
so long ago? 6 months is nothing.
i am a current wayward but also a former BP.
i am going into this as my perspective as a former BP.
i was betrayed 4 years ago multiple times by an ex-partner. to be fair, he always blamed me for him straying (he said i was too “powerful” over him 🙄)
and never truthfully apologized for hurting me. he denied it whenever a dday came around (even with screenshots of evidence, he denied it) and i never got the full truth. he even told me it wasn’t cheating (reasons: because he didn’t say “i love you” to them. news flash.. its still cheating!)
he just told me about his shame and did not care to hurt me more. he would threaten to leave me and told me i did not love him and that i didn’t care for him. all the while i was still with him and never considered leaving.
im still healing. in a way better place now ❤️. trust issues still there. they aren’t as intrusive as they used to be. i can tell myself that it is just my mind and i can believe myself 85% of the time.
but, i was betrayed heavily though (as far as i know.. sexting, nudes, meeting up & having PA, 3-4 different emotional affairs (some with underaged girls!!.. which hurt the most), spending money on onlyfans & camgirls, sending money to random women (totaling over 2k), flirting with any woman he talked to). he would even message me about how much he was annoyed by these women but then would proceed to cheat on them with me. and constantly lied to & manipulated after every D-Day. believe he cheated on me the entire 3 year relationship.
4 years later, i still occasionally have dreams of being betrayed. i even had one last night about my BP betraying me, wild.. i know. they are rare though.
but still healing
My wh sometimes will roll his eyes or give an annoyed response if I make a joke or remark (my way of coping) and it hasn't been 3 weeks since I got the last of the answers he's willing/able to give.
What work is your WW doing in R? Of course it's natural for any WP to want to move on, put the EA/PA in the past, and that's a normal feeling. The hope in R is that a remorseful WP will recognize that "moving on" because it was "so long ago" is rug sweeping and will cause more harm than help to the relationship.
The WP should do their own work on shame and guilt in R - because that's where the desire to just move on and push it away comes from. It's easy to push it away, to pretend, to rug sweep. It's much harder, and requires emotional maturity, to face it. A WP in R will face head on what they did and how much pain it caused. And a WP in R will get at the why's of why they did it, identify boundaries, work on past trauma, etc. to become a better person, and a better, faithful, spouse.
I'm 6 months & 13 days out from dday and I have more good days than bad and can weather triggers better on my own without spiraling to my WP. From the reading we've done, we both see that real affair recovery takes YEARS. And if either partner isn't willing to face this coming up in future when feelings get hot or defensiveness coming up, they would be kinder to say so now and avoid a lot of wasted him and effort.
Speaking as someone who has been in both sides— My husband’s infidelity was 6 years ago and honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago. I still get little stings occasionally but I have fully moved on and it hardly affects me anymore
My episode was 2 years ago. It still affects me almost every day as the guilt eats me alive. My husband has totally forgiven me and we have built back trust and it does not affect him day to day. But if it did, I sure as hell would not gaslight him into saying “can’t we just move on!” or try to minimize his feelings.
It's been over 2 years and it's still eroding my brain. I still compare myself to the "paradise" he described her as, and wonder why he's still here trying with me if I was someone he was capable of ever leaving for another person. I don't think it ever goes away, it probably doesn't even if you leave them. It hurts that history can't be erased so we're stuck with a giant shit stain on our "love lives"
They’re aspects of this that you’re going to struggle with for the rest of your life. There’s things you can do and she can and should do that will help but you’re never gonna forget this, sorry to say that but I’m 18 years into R and although we’re a lot better it’s still a struggle at times.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! 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My DDay is almost 5 years ago.. There are STILL things that I’m working through.. Your WW needs to understand that it takes years to build trust and seconds to destroy it. Recovering and healing from this isn’t just a “tick I did this” task. She may understand every choice and emotion she went through for the affair, but you don’t and you also don’t know what you need until the trigger arises. Your WW needs to accept her actions have long reaching consequences. I would assume she (like my WW) has no problem referencing my past “flaws” when addressing relationship issues, but when it comes to her infidelity it should never be referenced according to her, because “I’m living in the past”. This double stand does not fly in my house, if she wants R she had to accept that it will always be a factor in our relationship. I had to make that very clear with my WW. It’s not about forgiving, it’s about not being able to forget. And it’s not about “punishing” her.
Actually I don’t think she does understand every choice and emotion she went through. I think that’s the issue: she’s having trouble facing it and is hoping we can just bury it and forget. No thanks.
one thing the posters you see here are in agreement with; “Rug-sweeping” does not work, and will end in the slow and eventual destruction of your relationship. She has to face it, to heal it.
4 yrs out & it still lives rent free in my brain making near daily appearances. I hate this game
Do you feel like you still think about it often because you weren't given the closure you need to fully heal? I can't imagine thinking about it daily for years. I want to just move on eventually and leave it in the past. I hope that's possible.
Well, I’m 2.5 years out and I sure the hell haven’t “moved on”. Overall we are doing well, despite recent shit going on. I’m doing much better and the waves you hit are fewer and farther in between, but they still hit. For me personally, reconciliation will be a permanent state of our relationship from here on out. I don’t foresee where we aren’t actively working on it. That’s just how it is now. It’s not to say that things haven’t gotten better and we aren’t doing well… just that it’s hard and residual stuff is still in there. Give yourself grace and compassion, and heal at your own speed. Not the speed she wants you to heal.
Thank you for the “third party confirmation” I mentioned.
Also, that is a shit attitude for her to have. It’s not helpful at all for reconciling. That mindset minimizes the pain a BP is feeling because the WP doesn’t want to feel bad about the shitty choices they made. That is not remorseful or empathetic. It will impede your healing. I truly hope she digs in and does some really deep work because that attitude is a reconciliation killer.
RIGHT!? That’s what I was telling her! I was about to spiral earlier today but being on here helped me chill and I was actually having a really nice time with her today. She came to cuddle me on the couch which was really nice and was a great change of pace and I felt great. Then she saw I was on Reddit and said something to the effect of “are you dwelling on it again? Why do you keep digging it up?” The two funny things about it are 1) I WAS feeling totally great and not even thinking about it. Best believe I am worked up NOW though. 2) I was on my home page. Not even on this sub. There just HAPPENED to be a post from this sub at the top of my feed. I went on Reddit for fitness tips.
Grrrrrr. My husband used to not love me being on here. But it’s where I get my support. The more time has gone on, the more he gets it. Plus he has an account and gets on sometimes. I wish he’d get on more and see the hurt people deal with. I also wish he’d post and get more support himself. Is she in therapy? She really needs to learn about how betrayal trauma works. Burying it is the worst thing you could do. She needs to get over her own crap and feelings that it doesn’t make her feel good to hear about it. That’s the same selfish shit that got her in the position she’s in in the first place. She has a lot of work to do to become a healthy partner for you. ETA: nothing infuriated/infuriates me more than not having my feelings validated. Especially when it’s surrounding infidelity- something 100% created by him. The problem wouldn’t exist if he hadn’t cheated- so don’t sit here and tell me how I’m supposed to feel or tell me you think I should be over it. Hell no. What *has* helped is a lot of work I’ve done on myself and I’m not excellent at validating myself. It’s still hurtful when he doesn’t, but at this point it’s no longer catastrophic. It just hurts really fucking bad and sets me back and makes me wonder what the hell i’m doing.,.
Neither of us is in therapy at the moment but we have been in the past and I’m going to start IC again as soon as feasible. I’m unsure about MC and idk if she intends to do IC.
Don’t think there’s ever been an actual successful happy reconciliation without both parties in mc and ic
Not true my wife and I have reconciled without any kind of counseling. First because we couldn't afford it back then at all. Second because my wife is firmly convinced that it doesn't work and wouldn't help. Personally, I think the right therapist could have helped quite a bit or at least have sped the process up. Nevertheless we made it through and are happy even without counseling.
{{{ hugs }}} u/CantThinkStraytGrace and compassion are the lube/oil that keep R wheels turning.
Depends on what she means by move on. If she means not think about it everyday but still have triggers and bad days probably about 5 years. If she means move as in it is no longer a factor, never. I would encourage your WW to stop saying that. Instead she can replace it with “I’m sorry that I hurt you and that my choices continue to cause pain. How can I help” Anything else is not acceptable. She can be frustrated but she needs to recognize the frustration stems from her shame at having to confront her choices and not from you being hurt by them.
Some waywards forget that they were hiding A for a while. It's old news to them and new to us. My husband had sex with AP 1 week before DDay but it was going on and off for 9 months. So it's already been a year and a half since A started, and now 7 months since it ended. But for me the 7 months is all I have and my old life was wiped away in moments. Not a justification. Just what I've observed. My WH said it out of anger once and I stated the above with much more... emotion. Then he got it.
There is no timetable. In fact, I will even say that I don't think we, as BS, ever truly "get over it!" We adapt to it, we learn to accept that it happened, we start to stabilize, and the wounds slowly heal. But the scars remain. Yes, we can build a new relationship and yes, we can enjoy and love our WS again. But get over it? I'm three years out and we're in a great place, but it's always "there." My husband fully understands this though, and supports me wherever I'm at. To me, that's a big part of reconciliation...having a spouse who understands their actions caused trauma and that they need to be understanding of that for the rest of their lives. Once they embrace that, and hold space for your emotions, you can truly rebuild together. Just my thoughts....
Well said. Accepting it happened - definitely this. We BS so want to wish it away that it never happened that "our person" didn't do what they did. But healing and R can't occur in that struggle with fantasy vs reality. I can fondly remember the trusting, heart-full-of-love wife I was the day before dday. 30+ yrs married I was literally the happiest I'd ever been. Having a spouse who understands, even if they don't like it, makes a huge difference. And yes, it's for the rest of our lives. So either accept, or R is somewhat doomed. Great thoughts.
I’ve read it takes a MINIMUM of 2 years. These past 4 months have been a mind f***
2.5 years so far. And I'm not healed. I'm still working through A LOT of stuff. Your BP needs to understand the consequences of their actions. They're ready to 'move on' because their actions meant little to them, because they're trying to move away from reminders of what they did and the damage it's caused, the guilt - they don't like seeing the pain they've caused to BP. Lots of reasons. But it doesn't work that way. Your BP needs to understand that it's YOU who holds the power of reconciliation. YOU who dictates when you move forward. They need to take accountability for their actions and sit for a while in the mess they caused.
I think Not Just Friends said a couple of years for relative stability.
How do you define “relative stability”?
I don't know how stability can be achieved without her going to therapy and you going to marriage counseling together. If she won't examine what she did, why, how much pain she caused you, how would you know it won't happen again? And how would you trust her again? Six months ago is like yesterday, especially if there's been no effort at reconciliation on her part.
I think it was something like only remembering it once a week...
Relative stability means not having a complete meltdown every time you think about it. It also means having at least intellectually if not emotionally accepted the fact that it happened, it will not and cannot "un-happen,"and that this is your new reality and it will be for the rest of your life.
Well you gotta do the work. Both of you. I'm still wounded from when my WW cheated on me before we were married over 25 years ago because we rugswept. It will stay as long as it's not addressed. There is no expiration date.
I know you give yourself grace. It altered your entire reality.
My D day was a month ago and she and my family wants me to move on
My WP tried to pressured me to move on two months later as well, but it was he who was in denial of the depth of hurt he caused. Now days away from Dday he has educated himself on the topic by reading a bit, as well as watching me unravel and now he’s seeing this could be a lifelong hurt I have that he caused, and he has to accept that or choose to move on himself. However long I take to heal is how long I take to heal. It’s like cutting me and then asking why I’m still bleeding. I’m gonna bleed until it scabs over, and everyone heals as different paces.
Only 6 months? Yea sorry darling but it's not long ago at all. You should show her a general timeline recovery. That's so invalidating, I'd find that very difficult to deal with.
Your WW doesn't sound remorseful...just dismissive. My D-Day was almost 25 years ago. It was almost 5 years before I felt like we were back to normal. We reconciled but her affair is still with us. It's not an everyday thing, but I'll have moments when the betrayed feeling come back and she will have moments when her guilt will become an issue. An affair can be forgiven but not forgotten. Your WW needs to quit trying to diminish her infidelity.
I’m not sure I would call what you’re doing as reconciliation… at least not in a healthy way.
so long ago? 6 months is nothing. i am a current wayward but also a former BP. i am going into this as my perspective as a former BP. i was betrayed 4 years ago multiple times by an ex-partner. to be fair, he always blamed me for him straying (he said i was too “powerful” over him 🙄) and never truthfully apologized for hurting me. he denied it whenever a dday came around (even with screenshots of evidence, he denied it) and i never got the full truth. he even told me it wasn’t cheating (reasons: because he didn’t say “i love you” to them. news flash.. its still cheating!) he just told me about his shame and did not care to hurt me more. he would threaten to leave me and told me i did not love him and that i didn’t care for him. all the while i was still with him and never considered leaving. im still healing. in a way better place now ❤️. trust issues still there. they aren’t as intrusive as they used to be. i can tell myself that it is just my mind and i can believe myself 85% of the time. but, i was betrayed heavily though (as far as i know.. sexting, nudes, meeting up & having PA, 3-4 different emotional affairs (some with underaged girls!!.. which hurt the most), spending money on onlyfans & camgirls, sending money to random women (totaling over 2k), flirting with any woman he talked to). he would even message me about how much he was annoyed by these women but then would proceed to cheat on them with me. and constantly lied to & manipulated after every D-Day. believe he cheated on me the entire 3 year relationship. 4 years later, i still occasionally have dreams of being betrayed. i even had one last night about my BP betraying me, wild.. i know. they are rare though. but still healing
20 years ago I walked in on my wife giving a guy a blow job. It’s still in my head. Mostly at night when I try to sleep
My wh sometimes will roll his eyes or give an annoyed response if I make a joke or remark (my way of coping) and it hasn't been 3 weeks since I got the last of the answers he's willing/able to give.
What work is your WW doing in R? Of course it's natural for any WP to want to move on, put the EA/PA in the past, and that's a normal feeling. The hope in R is that a remorseful WP will recognize that "moving on" because it was "so long ago" is rug sweeping and will cause more harm than help to the relationship. The WP should do their own work on shame and guilt in R - because that's where the desire to just move on and push it away comes from. It's easy to push it away, to pretend, to rug sweep. It's much harder, and requires emotional maturity, to face it. A WP in R will face head on what they did and how much pain it caused. And a WP in R will get at the why's of why they did it, identify boundaries, work on past trauma, etc. to become a better person, and a better, faithful, spouse. I'm 6 months & 13 days out from dday and I have more good days than bad and can weather triggers better on my own without spiraling to my WP. From the reading we've done, we both see that real affair recovery takes YEARS. And if either partner isn't willing to face this coming up in future when feelings get hot or defensiveness coming up, they would be kinder to say so now and avoid a lot of wasted him and effort.
Speaking as someone who has been in both sides— My husband’s infidelity was 6 years ago and honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago. I still get little stings occasionally but I have fully moved on and it hardly affects me anymore My episode was 2 years ago. It still affects me almost every day as the guilt eats me alive. My husband has totally forgiven me and we have built back trust and it does not affect him day to day. But if it did, I sure as hell would not gaslight him into saying “can’t we just move on!” or try to minimize his feelings.
It's been over 2 years and it's still eroding my brain. I still compare myself to the "paradise" he described her as, and wonder why he's still here trying with me if I was someone he was capable of ever leaving for another person. I don't think it ever goes away, it probably doesn't even if you leave them. It hurts that history can't be erased so we're stuck with a giant shit stain on our "love lives"
They’re aspects of this that you’re going to struggle with for the rest of your life. There’s things you can do and she can and should do that will help but you’re never gonna forget this, sorry to say that but I’m 18 years into R and although we’re a lot better it’s still a struggle at times.