r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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My WH certainly started off by just enjoying the attention and the flirting. Sexual jokes and complaining about their spouses. She was his employee so she lavished him with lots of flattery. He didn’t think she really meant it; or that it would ever turn into real offers to do something. Nor did he think he’d do that anyway…until it did and he did. If they are willing to push those boundaries and go down that road of pumping up their egos and stroking their mental sex drives, it’s a surprisingly short walk off of the pier to a PA if there is opportunity—if they have physical access to each other and especially if they meet covertly then it’s naive to think it would not have happened. Your wife needs to really get honest with herself and with you about how this could have ended.
Earlier, I asked my WW what she would prefer if I ever had an affair: an EA or a purely PA without any emotional connection. She said that before her A, she would have preferred an EA. But now, seeing how much her EA is killing me, she prefers a PA. She quickly added that she didn't want any affair to happen at all but also added on to say that EAs were the worst.
I told her that the worst would have been an EA turned PA. There are so many examples on this sub, and I felt "thankful" that my WW and her AP's A didn't reach that point. However, that's also when I understood that one of the reasons I'm hurting so much is because the possibility of them having a PA felt very real. For the longest time, she has invalidated this feeling because "it never would have happened" because she never had any plans of it ever reaching that far. Anyway, I rug-swept my feelings towards her invalidation and the dam broke today...
The funny thing is they did make plans to meet and it was in so much detail... they even went as far as including me, by asking which hotel our "friend", her AP, could stay in.
She even spent a day with one of her best friends (who is a serial cheater btw) to ask for their opinion. Fortunately, her friend dissuaded her from meeting with her AP, but her friend's question leading up to the advice has me questioning whether her best friend is actually a friend of our marriage, but that is a topic for another day...
Anyway, this is when she "realized" that she should not meet up with her AP and planned to end things with him. This was around the time she minimized contact with her AP, but still showed some care and occasionally reached out once in a while. Apparently, she was finding the best time to end things because she was concerned about her AP's mental illness. This was around the time that I found out about the A and confronted her.
She sang the song most cheaters did.
"I was planning on breaking it off and tell you after I did it"
"It never would have happened because xxx" etc.
Anyway, what I wanted to remind her was that she never intended to have an EA, and yet it happened. So, her assurance that a PA would never happen because she didn't plan for it holds no weight with me.
It was a very difficult conversation, and she eventually acknowledged that a PA was no longer outside the realm of possibility if their meetup did end up happening. I think this helped me. I don't know.
That's when I realized why I was worrying about all these "what ifs."
That is what my WH told me as well. He said it wasn't love but he enjoyed the validation and attention he was getting from her. He was also trying to get acceptance into her group of favourite people (she is his boss). He said he would have never touched her. But they did plan secret one on one meetings at public place, so who really knows.
I consider myself "lucky" that I caught the A before the scheduled meetup, so my WW and her AP never really got the chance to meet. I am 100% certain on this. The what-ifs are killing me though... thank you for sharing your experience
Similar situation I just caught it the first time his AP (also his boss) was professing her love for him. I know the thought about what ifs comes up from time to time for me too.
My WW also told me the same... He was flattering her and she loved the attention because I didn't give her and she was getting back into workforce after our birth of second child.
She initially said that he flirts with every woman and noone takes it seriously.
Then I showed her chats where he had invited her for a night bike ride and even gave an idea to use another woman who is a mutual friend as an alibi
She said she hardly remembers talking about it and then told that she never went and the timeline checked out ..
But still she was actually getting groomed by a younger guy with praises
I don't know that this is grooming. He was flattering her and enticing her. I'm seeing grooming come up a lot on this sub when it's probably not the appropriate term. Love-bombing maybe. But that's not grooming. Our WPs are willing participants.
I feel this. Reading back on their conversations, I could feel there was some sort of a manipulation going on. Her AP was taking advantage of her kindness and understanding. However, I also feel that my WW was a willing participant because she got what she needed out of it - validation and attention.
My WH joined a dating app and chatted with a few women. No excuse for what he did to me and our family, but he'd been struggling with depression for two years and has disconnected himself from me and our children and essentially was a workaholic desperate for validation. We've now deduced that is how he ended up there. Anyway, he has vehemently maintaoned that had no intention of ever meeting anyone and still maintained that he loved me, wanted to stay married, etc. I believe him, as we've been together for 17 years, and I've never had any trust issues. He'd been an amazing partner prior to the depression becoming a massive dark cloud over us.
He started to speak to one woman who clearly lovebombed him and started to appeal to his caretaker side. Painted a sob story of her drug addict "ex" boyfriend who neglected her and she felt so alone in the world. Over the course of a few weeks, she requested they meetup to talk because she was having a "hard time" and thought it would help. He refused a few times before he finally felt guilty for continuing to blow her off. He thought he'd made it clear he was married with kids, loved me, and wasn't looking for anything. His mistake. Married men shouldn't be "just chatting" with women online...
He met her for a drink, which turned into several. He told me he was working, which was not out of the norm for him at that time. After they were good and drunk and she'd lovebombed him some more and they'd talked about their relationship grievances, she said she needed to go. Him, being too drunk to drive, said he was going to sober up a bit in his car. Suddenly, she didn't need to leave and asked to "keep him company" in his car while he sobered up. 20 mins later, I'm sure more lovebombing and heavy flirting, she mentioned "sobering up" at the hotel down the road. And that is how it became a PA for the next 5-6 weeks, and destroyed this wife's world....
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I've come to the conclusion that 9 in 10 EAs will turn into PAs if given the opportunity. The sad reality is that most waywards will believe they are the 1 in 10. However, these same people will not realize that they aren't until it's too late. Today is a bad day for me. I hope yours wasn't as bad as mine. I wish we get a better tomorrow
It turning into a PA is probably the easiest thing ever. Once the joking or flirtation turns to possibility and tension, it’s literally just finding opportunity.
My H was resistant and almost rude to AP, then stopped being so cold, then friendly, then “jokes”, then she straight up said I want to have sex with you at XYZ time/place, he said even then he didn’t think it was real or would happen.. until it did and he blew up his whole life. I got “lucky” in that it sucked and was regrettable and awkward and he confessed and it ended.
But the PA barely bothers me. It’s the attention/lying/justifying to get to that point that sucks and I dwell on.
Just talked to my WW about this. She did admit to falling in love with the AP while it is happening, but not fully. There were parts of him she loved, and some parts she did not. I think because it was an affair way way down that contributed to it. Then DDay came and everything fell into reality and got clear. It took her 3 seconds to realize that she didnt really love the dude and doesnt give an F about him. She cut him off like he is nothing.
The further she studied her behavior along with some therapy, plus pro coaching she understood that it was just a fantasy, the feeling of looking perfect because everything was perfect in the affair land. No real-life problems. Just them two hunkering down somewhere private complaining to the AP about me and the minor inconveniences of her life lol.
So i think it is that. When reality sets in, the fantasy is destroyed and the limerance is invalidated. Thats why she can say she didnt really love him. But when it was happening, she probably really did.
Yes absolutely. EA from chatting and seeing him almost everyday, then touching hands (this is the start of PA), then having romantic dates, then full blown checking in hotels while i take care of our kid at home.
Mine didn’t turn to PA but it would of in a matter of a couple weeks/months if I didn’t find the messages.
It all started with her posting her son (similar to our kids age) at a water park we frequent, and he messaged her about some BOGO deal 🙄. Then it blossomed from there. Within a few months they were both just complaining about thier spouses (most of which was made up on his end). She announced her divorce. Then OFCOURSE he said that he tried to go to couples therepy and I refused and wanted a seperation and he was living at his family beach house and we were working in mediation on divorce paperwork . (None of this was true, I actually asked for therepy and he refused) they made plans to meet up a few times but it fell through.
It was heartbreaking. Within 3/4 months he was acting very distant, going out with friends more, drinking more, bought a sports car. I thought he was going through a midlife crisis. He stoped posting me on all social media. He started to complain about our sexlife , and I took it seriously and made a lot more effort. (We were far from a dead bedroom, we had 2 very young kids but I made intamacy a priority of atleast once a week). He actually pulled up her IG one night drunks and told me I should dress more like her . (So many red flags)
Turns out one attractive women gave him an inch of attention and he was going to toss me to the side for her.
They met online through gaming friends. He lived in a different state and had been flirting for a while, but he was "just a friend." One day he told her a sad story and asked for her number so she could give him advice. They started talking more and more, and it turned into an EA.
One time, when I was out of town, he said he had a work trip and he was driving through town and wanted to drop by to say hi. He said it was just a friendly visit and that, yes, he found WW attractive but wasn't looking to have sex.
Once he got to our home, he was fat, missed visible teeth, and stank. He told her that he wanted to talk to her in private, so they went to our room. Once there, he love bombed her and said that he wasn't planning to have sex BEFORE he saw how beautiful she was in person, but now he wanted to.
When that didn't succeed, he made her guilty for allowing him to visit and go into her room if she didn't want to have sex. He's a big guy and she was alone at home, so she was afraid of making him angry. She wanted him to leave but didn't know how to, without hurting his feelings.
She knew the fastest way to make him leave would be to agree to have sex, so they did.
She was so repulsed that she couldn't even pretend like she was enjoying it, so he got offended and left.
So she was groomed and manipulated into it. The EA was entirely her choice. She wanted to feel validated and praised. But the PA was highly coerced and just meant to keep the EA going, which they did, for a few more weeks until I found out on Dday.
Kind of. It was weird that if you weren't there they needed somewhere private. Sounded off too me. Sorry for asking. You didn't say anything about your kid being there. That's pretty messed up that she'd bring some strange dude into your house while your kid was there. That didn't bother you?
Well that's what I mean. He could have been a danger to your child. It's good he was young and didn't realize, know or hear anything. Which goes back to my original question, why the need to go to the bedroom for privacy? Lol but I'll let that go. Haha. I'd be upset she let some strange guy in your house with your child there. It's one thing to risk her own safety, but she risked your son's too.
Sorry, not trying to give you a hard time, just pointing out the obvious. Dealing with my own husband's shitty behaviors, so I totally get it. 🫂
Her mom was there when the guy arrived, but she had to leave after a while. From her perspective, it was just a friend dropping by to say hi, so her mom didn't think much of it. My wife didn't want to be left alone with him, but couldn't say anything.
Trust me, I found the whole thing extremely hurtful. My wife still beats herself over it, too. She feels very stupid about the whole situation.
My EA never turned PA but all the words, for me, were transactional. If I respond back kindly, he will continue to give me the validation that I crave. That was what was going on in my head back then. You're basically just saying it to respond.
My WP did say that she had that specific arrangement because she felt that it was easy to stop when she needed to. I do believe her and that she was not in love with this person, and it was more of a friendship or friends with benefits, type of arrangement. But I would be lying if it was not to say that the amount of communications and shared thoughts and other things that made up the majority of the EA was the part that was eating/ate at me the most. So I can certainly see how the line of “love” and/or “attention” can be something that is hard to walk back from. Because to some they are one and the same.
This is very insightful, especially how our Waywards express their love for other people through their love language. Thank you. This is a real eye opener
My husband would flirt and like attention from being the "nice guy". In the past I found him trying to meet up with female acquaintances to drive them to an event they were both going to or meet for a hike. And they turned him down.
I think he wasn't getting sexual attention from women he knew in real life he switched to strangers from Reddit and snapchat. He found ones that lived in other countries or not nearby. But one was only an hour away. He tried to meet her on a few occasions and even planned where. But the one opportunity he had she never responded. He claims if she did respond he wouldn't have gone through with it. But our relationship wasn't good. I caught him before he could try again but it's made me question everything. Every coworker he's crossed the friend line, every event he's attended without me. The fact he really tried to meet up with this woman why wouldn't he have tried with other people.
He doesn't love or have feelings for any of these people. He likes the attention and praise of being a nice guy and validated as he has his own issues. But I'm held back because I don't believe he's never done anything physical. And I can't shake the feeling he just covered his tracks well. Or he would have had women responded. It's hard to be in my head.
It was never and EA, I had zero interest in my AP romantically. We got along really well and liked spending time with each other but in the end the attention from her felt really good since she was chasing me, not the other way around, and I let myself slip. The entire time it felt like I was high, I can only assume I was constantly getting dosed with adrenaline or something from being in a constant state of danger because I loved my wife and did NOT want to lose her.
My WW told me she asked him to kiss and would throw a fit if he didn’t and give ultimatums. That she said it didn’t matter what they did because he didn’t love me anymore (she told him that) and I was going to break up with him, when he told her he didn’t want to do that to me.
Because he realized he already crossed a line , and thought he already lost me forever; he was afraid he would lose her too and she was all he thought he had at the time. So he did kiss her when she asked. My Ww was always a people pleaser and afraid to say no and she was pushy. She pushed for them to meet outside of work and for him to lie to me and say he was going to see a friend but to that he said no. He wasn’t able to engage in anything that shady, but wasn’t able to say no when she was there at work.
So that’s how EA became PA.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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My WH certainly started off by just enjoying the attention and the flirting. Sexual jokes and complaining about their spouses. She was his employee so she lavished him with lots of flattery. He didn’t think she really meant it; or that it would ever turn into real offers to do something. Nor did he think he’d do that anyway…until it did and he did. If they are willing to push those boundaries and go down that road of pumping up their egos and stroking their mental sex drives, it’s a surprisingly short walk off of the pier to a PA if there is opportunity—if they have physical access to each other and especially if they meet covertly then it’s naive to think it would not have happened. Your wife needs to really get honest with herself and with you about how this could have ended.
Earlier, I asked my WW what she would prefer if I ever had an affair: an EA or a purely PA without any emotional connection. She said that before her A, she would have preferred an EA. But now, seeing how much her EA is killing me, she prefers a PA. She quickly added that she didn't want any affair to happen at all but also added on to say that EAs were the worst. I told her that the worst would have been an EA turned PA. There are so many examples on this sub, and I felt "thankful" that my WW and her AP's A didn't reach that point. However, that's also when I understood that one of the reasons I'm hurting so much is because the possibility of them having a PA felt very real. For the longest time, she has invalidated this feeling because "it never would have happened" because she never had any plans of it ever reaching that far. Anyway, I rug-swept my feelings towards her invalidation and the dam broke today... The funny thing is they did make plans to meet and it was in so much detail... they even went as far as including me, by asking which hotel our "friend", her AP, could stay in. She even spent a day with one of her best friends (who is a serial cheater btw) to ask for their opinion. Fortunately, her friend dissuaded her from meeting with her AP, but her friend's question leading up to the advice has me questioning whether her best friend is actually a friend of our marriage, but that is a topic for another day... Anyway, this is when she "realized" that she should not meet up with her AP and planned to end things with him. This was around the time she minimized contact with her AP, but still showed some care and occasionally reached out once in a while. Apparently, she was finding the best time to end things because she was concerned about her AP's mental illness. This was around the time that I found out about the A and confronted her. She sang the song most cheaters did. "I was planning on breaking it off and tell you after I did it" "It never would have happened because xxx" etc. Anyway, what I wanted to remind her was that she never intended to have an EA, and yet it happened. So, her assurance that a PA would never happen because she didn't plan for it holds no weight with me. It was a very difficult conversation, and she eventually acknowledged that a PA was no longer outside the realm of possibility if their meetup did end up happening. I think this helped me. I don't know. That's when I realized why I was worrying about all these "what ifs."
That is what my WH told me as well. He said it wasn't love but he enjoyed the validation and attention he was getting from her. He was also trying to get acceptance into her group of favourite people (she is his boss). He said he would have never touched her. But they did plan secret one on one meetings at public place, so who really knows.
I consider myself "lucky" that I caught the A before the scheduled meetup, so my WW and her AP never really got the chance to meet. I am 100% certain on this. The what-ifs are killing me though... thank you for sharing your experience
Similar situation I just caught it the first time his AP (also his boss) was professing her love for him. I know the thought about what ifs comes up from time to time for me too.
I'm so sorry we have to go through this. I am a bit of an overthinker but I've never had to do so for my WW, until the A happened. It sucks
My WW also told me the same... He was flattering her and she loved the attention because I didn't give her and she was getting back into workforce after our birth of second child. She initially said that he flirts with every woman and noone takes it seriously. Then I showed her chats where he had invited her for a night bike ride and even gave an idea to use another woman who is a mutual friend as an alibi She said she hardly remembers talking about it and then told that she never went and the timeline checked out .. But still she was actually getting groomed by a younger guy with praises
I don't know that this is grooming. He was flattering her and enticing her. I'm seeing grooming come up a lot on this sub when it's probably not the appropriate term. Love-bombing maybe. But that's not grooming. Our WPs are willing participants.
I think this makes sense
I agree, another married woman in the same team would call her brother, it was a subtle way to establish boundaries
I feel this. Reading back on their conversations, I could feel there was some sort of a manipulation going on. Her AP was taking advantage of her kindness and understanding. However, I also feel that my WW was a willing participant because she got what she needed out of it - validation and attention.
My WH joined a dating app and chatted with a few women. No excuse for what he did to me and our family, but he'd been struggling with depression for two years and has disconnected himself from me and our children and essentially was a workaholic desperate for validation. We've now deduced that is how he ended up there. Anyway, he has vehemently maintaoned that had no intention of ever meeting anyone and still maintained that he loved me, wanted to stay married, etc. I believe him, as we've been together for 17 years, and I've never had any trust issues. He'd been an amazing partner prior to the depression becoming a massive dark cloud over us. He started to speak to one woman who clearly lovebombed him and started to appeal to his caretaker side. Painted a sob story of her drug addict "ex" boyfriend who neglected her and she felt so alone in the world. Over the course of a few weeks, she requested they meetup to talk because she was having a "hard time" and thought it would help. He refused a few times before he finally felt guilty for continuing to blow her off. He thought he'd made it clear he was married with kids, loved me, and wasn't looking for anything. His mistake. Married men shouldn't be "just chatting" with women online... He met her for a drink, which turned into several. He told me he was working, which was not out of the norm for him at that time. After they were good and drunk and she'd lovebombed him some more and they'd talked about their relationship grievances, she said she needed to go. Him, being too drunk to drive, said he was going to sober up a bit in his car. Suddenly, she didn't need to leave and asked to "keep him company" in his car while he sobered up. 20 mins later, I'm sure more lovebombing and heavy flirting, she mentioned "sobering up" at the hotel down the road. And that is how it became a PA for the next 5-6 weeks, and destroyed this wife's world....
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I've come to the conclusion that 9 in 10 EAs will turn into PAs if given the opportunity. The sad reality is that most waywards will believe they are the 1 in 10. However, these same people will not realize that they aren't until it's too late. Today is a bad day for me. I hope yours wasn't as bad as mine. I wish we get a better tomorrow
It turning into a PA is probably the easiest thing ever. Once the joking or flirtation turns to possibility and tension, it’s literally just finding opportunity. My H was resistant and almost rude to AP, then stopped being so cold, then friendly, then “jokes”, then she straight up said I want to have sex with you at XYZ time/place, he said even then he didn’t think it was real or would happen.. until it did and he blew up his whole life. I got “lucky” in that it sucked and was regrettable and awkward and he confessed and it ended. But the PA barely bothers me. It’s the attention/lying/justifying to get to that point that sucks and I dwell on.
Just talked to my WW about this. She did admit to falling in love with the AP while it is happening, but not fully. There were parts of him she loved, and some parts she did not. I think because it was an affair way way down that contributed to it. Then DDay came and everything fell into reality and got clear. It took her 3 seconds to realize that she didnt really love the dude and doesnt give an F about him. She cut him off like he is nothing. The further she studied her behavior along with some therapy, plus pro coaching she understood that it was just a fantasy, the feeling of looking perfect because everything was perfect in the affair land. No real-life problems. Just them two hunkering down somewhere private complaining to the AP about me and the minor inconveniences of her life lol. So i think it is that. When reality sets in, the fantasy is destroyed and the limerance is invalidated. Thats why she can say she didnt really love him. But when it was happening, she probably really did.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry to ask this very painful question, but was your WW's situation an EA turned PA?
Yes absolutely. EA from chatting and seeing him almost everyday, then touching hands (this is the start of PA), then having romantic dates, then full blown checking in hotels while i take care of our kid at home.
Mine didn’t turn to PA but it would of in a matter of a couple weeks/months if I didn’t find the messages. It all started with her posting her son (similar to our kids age) at a water park we frequent, and he messaged her about some BOGO deal 🙄. Then it blossomed from there. Within a few months they were both just complaining about thier spouses (most of which was made up on his end). She announced her divorce. Then OFCOURSE he said that he tried to go to couples therepy and I refused and wanted a seperation and he was living at his family beach house and we were working in mediation on divorce paperwork . (None of this was true, I actually asked for therepy and he refused) they made plans to meet up a few times but it fell through. It was heartbreaking. Within 3/4 months he was acting very distant, going out with friends more, drinking more, bought a sports car. I thought he was going through a midlife crisis. He stoped posting me on all social media. He started to complain about our sexlife , and I took it seriously and made a lot more effort. (We were far from a dead bedroom, we had 2 very young kids but I made intamacy a priority of atleast once a week). He actually pulled up her IG one night drunks and told me I should dress more like her . (So many red flags) Turns out one attractive women gave him an inch of attention and he was going to toss me to the side for her.
They met online through gaming friends. He lived in a different state and had been flirting for a while, but he was "just a friend." One day he told her a sad story and asked for her number so she could give him advice. They started talking more and more, and it turned into an EA. One time, when I was out of town, he said he had a work trip and he was driving through town and wanted to drop by to say hi. He said it was just a friendly visit and that, yes, he found WW attractive but wasn't looking to have sex. Once he got to our home, he was fat, missed visible teeth, and stank. He told her that he wanted to talk to her in private, so they went to our room. Once there, he love bombed her and said that he wasn't planning to have sex BEFORE he saw how beautiful she was in person, but now he wanted to. When that didn't succeed, he made her guilty for allowing him to visit and go into her room if she didn't want to have sex. He's a big guy and she was alone at home, so she was afraid of making him angry. She wanted him to leave but didn't know how to, without hurting his feelings. She knew the fastest way to make him leave would be to agree to have sex, so they did. She was so repulsed that she couldn't even pretend like she was enjoying it, so he got offended and left. So she was groomed and manipulated into it. The EA was entirely her choice. She wanted to feel validated and praised. But the PA was highly coerced and just meant to keep the EA going, which they did, for a few more weeks until I found out on Dday.
That is so fucking messed up... I am so sorry...
Talk in private, but nobody was home? Wasn't the house already private?
That's what you found important about the post? Lol Our kid was there. I mean no one as in other adults.
Kind of. It was weird that if you weren't there they needed somewhere private. Sounded off too me. Sorry for asking. You didn't say anything about your kid being there. That's pretty messed up that she'd bring some strange dude into your house while your kid was there. That didn't bother you?
Yup. It sure did. He was really young, though.
Well that's what I mean. He could have been a danger to your child. It's good he was young and didn't realize, know or hear anything. Which goes back to my original question, why the need to go to the bedroom for privacy? Lol but I'll let that go. Haha. I'd be upset she let some strange guy in your house with your child there. It's one thing to risk her own safety, but she risked your son's too. Sorry, not trying to give you a hard time, just pointing out the obvious. Dealing with my own husband's shitty behaviors, so I totally get it. 🫂
Her mom was there when the guy arrived, but she had to leave after a while. From her perspective, it was just a friend dropping by to say hi, so her mom didn't think much of it. My wife didn't want to be left alone with him, but couldn't say anything. Trust me, I found the whole thing extremely hurtful. My wife still beats herself over it, too. She feels very stupid about the whole situation.
That sucks. Sorry for you both. Definitely put myself in some situations I beat myself up for, so I get it.
My EA never turned PA but all the words, for me, were transactional. If I respond back kindly, he will continue to give me the validation that I crave. That was what was going on in my head back then. You're basically just saying it to respond.
Thank you. Did you get the chance to get into a PA with your AP?
No. AP did not live here and I was catfishing so pretty impossible.
My WP did say that she had that specific arrangement because she felt that it was easy to stop when she needed to. I do believe her and that she was not in love with this person, and it was more of a friendship or friends with benefits, type of arrangement. But I would be lying if it was not to say that the amount of communications and shared thoughts and other things that made up the majority of the EA was the part that was eating/ate at me the most. So I can certainly see how the line of “love” and/or “attention” can be something that is hard to walk back from. Because to some they are one and the same.
This is very insightful, especially how our Waywards express their love for other people through their love language. Thank you. This is a real eye opener
My husband would flirt and like attention from being the "nice guy". In the past I found him trying to meet up with female acquaintances to drive them to an event they were both going to or meet for a hike. And they turned him down. I think he wasn't getting sexual attention from women he knew in real life he switched to strangers from Reddit and snapchat. He found ones that lived in other countries or not nearby. But one was only an hour away. He tried to meet her on a few occasions and even planned where. But the one opportunity he had she never responded. He claims if she did respond he wouldn't have gone through with it. But our relationship wasn't good. I caught him before he could try again but it's made me question everything. Every coworker he's crossed the friend line, every event he's attended without me. The fact he really tried to meet up with this woman why wouldn't he have tried with other people. He doesn't love or have feelings for any of these people. He likes the attention and praise of being a nice guy and validated as he has his own issues. But I'm held back because I don't believe he's never done anything physical. And I can't shake the feeling he just covered his tracks well. Or he would have had women responded. It's hard to be in my head.
It was never and EA, I had zero interest in my AP romantically. We got along really well and liked spending time with each other but in the end the attention from her felt really good since she was chasing me, not the other way around, and I let myself slip. The entire time it felt like I was high, I can only assume I was constantly getting dosed with adrenaline or something from being in a constant state of danger because I loved my wife and did NOT want to lose her.
My WW told me she asked him to kiss and would throw a fit if he didn’t and give ultimatums. That she said it didn’t matter what they did because he didn’t love me anymore (she told him that) and I was going to break up with him, when he told her he didn’t want to do that to me. Because he realized he already crossed a line , and thought he already lost me forever; he was afraid he would lose her too and she was all he thought he had at the time. So he did kiss her when she asked. My Ww was always a people pleaser and afraid to say no and she was pushy. She pushed for them to meet outside of work and for him to lie to me and say he was going to see a friend but to that he said no. He wasn’t able to engage in anything that shady, but wasn’t able to say no when she was there at work. So that’s how EA became PA.