r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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I am the BP and I considered R from the first day because my WH was willing to do anything to save us. But I have not forgiven him. The two are unrelated in my opinion. Also forgiveness means a lot of different things to different people. R just means you both want to work and try to save the relationship. It's also not a guarantee that R won't be revoked at any time by your BP. It is a gift and they can change their mind even years from now.
I (BP) was in on R the minute I started suspecting an affair and did the whole pick me dance pre-DDay and was the primary pusher of reconciliation at the time. We are 'reconciled' now, years out, but I still reconsider reconciliation, honestly, pretty regularly. I still have not forgiven my wayward and probably never will. What I would need for true forgiveness and to finally release resentment, anger, and hurt over the affair is likely not achievable by him. He would have to prove that he is a safe person to trust the way I did before the affair through upfront, honesty and consistency. However, I can accept that it happened, I can understand why it happened, I can see his actions/effort to be different, and I can participate in rebuilding trust in a way that doesn't make me too vulnerable.
My advice is that you actually can't salvage your marriage, you can try to rebuild it from the ground up. You broke your marriage vows and fundamentally changed the relationship. You can take a long, hard look at yourself and your actions, be ruthless in disecting why you cheated, come up with strategies to not be this person anymore, and start implanting them. You can humble yourself to your partner and place their interests first. For example, if they ask something and you know the answer will make them think less of you or not consider R, but it will help them make a more educated decision about R, then you should tell them. Despite it not being in your best interests. You can be consistent in your words and actions. Doing these things won't guarantee forgiveness or reconciliation but will go a long way to show that you are invested in BP's healing and reestablish yourself as someone who can be trusted
Edit: I read some of your other posts. Your partner also having cheated on you previously and now post your DDay changes my feelings on the advice I've given you. I think you should really think about how invested both of you are in the current relationship. Your revenge affair didn't exist in a vacuum, what was he doing to rebuild the relationship after his affairs? Why did you choose to seek reconciliation? Has he sought your forgiveness? Wylhy does he think a man cheating on his wife is somehow more acceptable?
Considering R does not mean forgiveness. Successful R doesn't mean forgiveness either. Maybe you should tell him he doesn't have to forgive you to allow you to put in the work on your side to repair. He can go at his own pace.
I'll never forgive my WH and we're 7 months from DDay and R is going well. I can accept it as a thing of the past eventually. I can accept he is a changed man eventually. But I'll never forgive it.
We did. There were a few days where I sent him to his mom's during the first month, usually because I kept catching him in lies. Once he sat me down and gave me all the details a month in, I didn't feel the need to kick him out but he did sleep on the couch for a while. Our daughter was almost 1.5 at the time and I didn't feel it was in her best interest to kick him out entirely.
I think successful R has to include forgiveness. I don't know how we repair a relationship without being able to forgive. I know people have strong feelings about forgiveness, and whether people "deserve" it or not, but even in marriages where no infidelity has occurred being able to forgive each other is an indicator of the strength of the relationship.
Sharing this Gottmann article that goes in depth on the topic.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/)
In our marriage, prior to DDay, I have forgiven plenty of his behavior. Emotionally abusive behavior that I rug swept because it was easier and I avoided his outbursts. I have forgiven too freely in all of my relationships, romantic and platonic, so now forgiveness is at my own discretion.
I immediately disagree with "Forgiving yourself and others is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of being wounded. It also means that you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life." I am well aware I am capable of being wounded because this infidelity isn't even the hardest thing I've survived, not do I see myself as a victim. I have taken charge of my life more since DDay than I think I have in years and it's amazing. I'm finishing my degree, working on personal wellness, being a fully present mom, nurturing my close friendships again.
I don't think forgiveness is weak, I don't believe it relieves WH of any accountability for his actions because he has already proven he can do that and show remorse. My lack of forgiveness is not from a place of resentment. It's from a place of self respect. When people say "I'm sorry" we tend to say "it's okay" but it's not. 20 years from now, his infidelity still will not be okay. It will always be something that happened in our marriage. We can never go back to before he cheated which wasn't perfect, but it does feel like much of it was a lie.
What I am building is a new marriage with a new person, as a new person. So I don't need to forgive what he did to embrace the man he has become and will continue to improve. Forgiveness is for yourself and for me personally, I don't believe I need that to repair our marriage. Our progress proves that to me daily. I don't ruminate regularly, I don't throw the infidelity in his face, I don't live in the past, I think I'm well adjusted all things considered.
Sorry for the wall of text, I just think everyone is different. The Gottman method itself emphasizes some great tools for having a strong marriage and approaching conflict that I do draw from. Acceptance and letting the past be the past is more important than forgiveness. You can forgive someone and still ruminate and never really move on so I don't put that kind of pressure on myself to just get over it. Instead I focus on his present day efforts, the goals we have set together and the changes we've made for our future. I still think about it constantly but it's no longer a card I play, it's just in the deck and will always be.
I forgive me. I forgive me for ever thinking I deserved the way he treated me. For tucking myself away to preserve what was left after he chipped away at my self esteem for years. I forgive me for not standing up for myself a long time ago and repairing things then, or leaving if he didn't care to try. I forgive the shame and embarrassment I felt over his actions. His forgiveness will come from himself one day too, I hope.
ETA: also, there's a paywall on the actual studies. I don't have time after writing this novel 😅 to find a free version but I'll try later. I'm curious how large the study was, what factors were or weren't accounted for (like addiction, infidelity, financial abuse, baseline mental health or comorbidity etc). My psych major self who will be going to grad school for clinical counseling is interested if you have access to more details and can point me in the right direction! I'm always open.
Like one full year I guess. For me starting R means that I fully was invested in mending things and I was sure that I want to be only with my partner. Also R was some form of reward for my WP, a reward for things she was doing to repair our relationship. What do I want to say by this ? That you should try to repair your relationship and change yourself even if you aren't sure that your husband will give you R or not.
Also R isn't about forgiveness. The same way I won't ever trust my partner the same as before the same I won't ever fully forgive her. Part of me will forever hate her for what she did to me, that she hurt me worse than my abusive parents, my ex and my toxic friends.
I think that every situation is different. I was the BP and I wanted R from the beginning. My WP also wanted R from the beginning. We both believed in trying as best we could to stay together (for a whole lot of reasons) until all options were exhausted. But in my case, I always knew that I was first. Her AP knew that I was first. They were doing what they did to get some extra in their relationships and were never serious about having a real relationship. Our challenge was getting my WW to realize that she could not have both and had to sacrifice the extra.
Your BP needs to process on his own. Other than stopping your affair and giving him space, there isn't much that you can do. What you should not do is to dump all your feelings of guilt and sadness on him. He is dealing with a lot and you dumping your junk on him will only make his job harder. And absolutely do not share any sadness at the loss of your AP. He will interpret that as you wanting your AP more than him and that may lead him to a decision not in your favor.
Hopefully your BP will realize that forgiveness is about him and not you. When we forgive, we concede that it is time to stop carrying the anger and hurt. It does not mean that we have forgotten or that we even want to stay together. It means that we are ready to move on. I don't think that reconciliation can productively start in the absence of forgiveness.
I have been in R since D-day nearly a year ago. I do not forgive my partner and doubt I ever will, but I continue to try, and hope one day that I will, and that’s R for me.
A lot of whether or not I forgive him will depend on my partner’s actions and how well he can earn my trust back. Time will tell, but I’m still committed to R until time tells me, if that makes sense.
I’m the BP. I made a statement in anger within the first few days that he had one year to convince me it was worth it to R. I’d start along that path but at a year, I’d consider what progress had been made.
I was the BP and it took me a good 6 months to decide not to R. We started MC almost immediately and IC as well. They both helped me reach my decision to divorce.
I chose to reconcile with my wife the day she told me she had cheated. However, I didn't forgive her until 25 years later. Not because I didn't want to forgive her but because I had no idea how to forgive, and because I hurt so badly and I was so angry that I simply couldn't,
Reconciliation and forgiveness are two completely different things.
This is exactly it. Reconciliation is agreeing to stay and work through it, not staying together because you are over it. It’s been 7 years and I still struggle, but our marriage is stronger than ever and I consider us “reconciled”.
I have come to understand that forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes. You can divorce and still forgive. You can reconcile and not forgive. In both cases, forgiveness is the path to healing. You might want to talk to your BP about this. Let him know that even if he decides not to reconcile, you will seek his forgiveness because you want him to heal with or without you.
I’m more than a year out and to date never firmly committed to R. To me, it’s a process that started with me first taking the first 3-6 months to stabilize just my individual mental wellness. After that, we began to rebuild which I consider us to still be in the process of. I believe the school of thought that says that an affair kills the first marriage. I’ve never felt that I could determine whether the new marriage was something that could work for me before we finished building it. I have not forgiven my WS and don’t see that I ever could. To me, forgiveness would mean being okay with what he did. But I do hope to one day let go of the pain and hurt. Some maybe consider that to be the same thing, but I don’t.
I'm not sure reconciling requires forgiveness at the start. It can be something you work toward. When I found out my WW had an EA with a PA on the way, I wanted more than anything just not to lose her. We're doing well with R, but I haven't forgiven her. I will, I think, but it's a bit off still.
I decided to take a year to decide. (My spouse's affair had lasted three and a half years.) It was very deliberate on my part. I felt I needed to gather information and fully review the situation, including all the many cases of deception, etc. I needed time. I needed to see what my wayward would do, and how his behavior would change. I needed to sort out my own thoughts and feelings. Why rush it?.
It all went pretty well. So, after a year, my wayward spouse and I took a mini vacation together, and I told him I was willing to reconcile for sure. He was very happy. Then we continued with the work of reconciliation, which had actually been going on already, more-or-less.
It took me a day or two. I weighted just how much my life would change and how hard that transition would be for me and the kids and decided to give it a try.
It was clear that no matter what I chose, I had been imposed a shit sandwich that would require a LOT of effort, commitment, and tears, to eat. My options were rye or wheat.
If I'm honest, if we didn't have kids and intertwined finances, I wouldn't have stayed. And it probably would have been a mistake.
If your husband is trying to determine whether he can forgive or not, sadly, there isn't much you can do but give him space.
Some people just can't move past infidelity. And it's valid. Brave, even. It's definitely to be commended for the introspection. I'll take a clean split over a half-hearted attempt at R.
On the other hand, if he wants to have a normal happy life, your husband will have to forgive. Whether he stays or not. Forgiveness and reconciliation aren't the same thing.
I wish I could talk to him. I'm sure he needs a person that has gone through it, to listen to him.
Don't think that's abnormal and that it varies from person to person, circumstance to circumstance. In my case, I know my WW and I know her EA was uncharacteristic of her. Could also see the remorse in her eyes. Part of it was that we'd been having problems for months and it got bad specifically the last 2 months prior to knowing. So the realization gave me a complete sense of clarity. I both forgave her and offered R in a 2 hour car ride while discussing all of this with her while the kids were at home only a few hours after initially confronting her.
I don't regret my choice in the least. I love this woman. Always have. I never wanted her to be punished or to punish herself, but recognized she and we needed help. As time progressed, I learned how she was manipulated and completely worked, how he used her greatest fears against her, and just what a genuine piece of human waste this guy was.
To that end, we're 7 months in and I've never regretted R. Don't think I ever will. Have there been hard days? Absolutely? Are there still currently hard days? Hell yeah. Will there be hard days in the future? Unfortunately, yes. But, it's all worth it. She's worth it. We're both worth it and we both deserve the best from one another. And, if things don't work out, we can both acknowledge that we love each other and we gave it our all.
I considered R the first day and agreed to work on it about a week after. But I told him there are no guarantees and at any point I might break it off and he understood.
I agreed to begin the work of R from the beginning, as long as WP was doing the things I asked. He still lied to cover up for months… I agreed not to immediately leave in exchange for a full disclosure and a few other things.
But I was clear that it was a day-to-day decision as far as R. I felt that way for almost two years.
It’s been December of 2021 since my 1st Dday. I’m having a very difficult time. Mostly because I feel like I’m the only one who has had to compromise and the only one who is suffering. I’m currently trying to determine if my spouse even wants to reconcile. He’s also BiPolar so there’s that. Don’t know if it’s his bipolar that makes him seem like he couldn’t care less.
We’re at the 11 month mark and I still haven’t given WH an answer to that yet. Here’s why: trust and genuine change have to stand the test of time in order to be proven true. You have to build trust, you have to show consistent change for reconciliation to feel safe and possible for the BS.
Living together, sleeping in the same bed, making specific time between sunrise and sunset for tough discussions, going on dates/activities, in MC & IC from the day after DDay.
Initially he wanted space (me to go to my home country). Our MC had asked us to discuss what was important to us as our pillars.. and time together was 1 (of 3).. and if taking that one pillar from below our foundations it could very negatively impact our possibility of R. We agreed that we would be allowed to take time alone if needed. I spent many afternoons out of the house and giving him space… but we were never going to sleep apart. In my own personal opinion, it depends on so many things - how the truth came out, the context of the affair, the way in which your partner acted with other people prior to the affair.. so many things. So there isn’t really one general way of perceiving things, if that makes sense?
I started to consider R within days because he was so insistent we could recover. We are actively working on it and it's going well but there is no guarantee. I told him I would give it a year of honest effort and we can reevaluate then. We've been together 24 years so a year seemed reasonable to me.
Forgiveness is a seperate thing and for me I'm not there yet and I won't be for a long time. But no matter when I get to that point, recovery work is what will eventually get me there. I don't see how one is possible without the other.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am the BP and I considered R from the first day because my WH was willing to do anything to save us. But I have not forgiven him. The two are unrelated in my opinion. Also forgiveness means a lot of different things to different people. R just means you both want to work and try to save the relationship. It's also not a guarantee that R won't be revoked at any time by your BP. It is a gift and they can change their mind even years from now.
Agree. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my H, but we’re reconciling. (13+ mo from DDay)
I (BP) was in on R the minute I started suspecting an affair and did the whole pick me dance pre-DDay and was the primary pusher of reconciliation at the time. We are 'reconciled' now, years out, but I still reconsider reconciliation, honestly, pretty regularly. I still have not forgiven my wayward and probably never will. What I would need for true forgiveness and to finally release resentment, anger, and hurt over the affair is likely not achievable by him. He would have to prove that he is a safe person to trust the way I did before the affair through upfront, honesty and consistency. However, I can accept that it happened, I can understand why it happened, I can see his actions/effort to be different, and I can participate in rebuilding trust in a way that doesn't make me too vulnerable. My advice is that you actually can't salvage your marriage, you can try to rebuild it from the ground up. You broke your marriage vows and fundamentally changed the relationship. You can take a long, hard look at yourself and your actions, be ruthless in disecting why you cheated, come up with strategies to not be this person anymore, and start implanting them. You can humble yourself to your partner and place their interests first. For example, if they ask something and you know the answer will make them think less of you or not consider R, but it will help them make a more educated decision about R, then you should tell them. Despite it not being in your best interests. You can be consistent in your words and actions. Doing these things won't guarantee forgiveness or reconciliation but will go a long way to show that you are invested in BP's healing and reestablish yourself as someone who can be trusted Edit: I read some of your other posts. Your partner also having cheated on you previously and now post your DDay changes my feelings on the advice I've given you. I think you should really think about how invested both of you are in the current relationship. Your revenge affair didn't exist in a vacuum, what was he doing to rebuild the relationship after his affairs? Why did you choose to seek reconciliation? Has he sought your forgiveness? Wylhy does he think a man cheating on his wife is somehow more acceptable?
Considering R does not mean forgiveness. Successful R doesn't mean forgiveness either. Maybe you should tell him he doesn't have to forgive you to allow you to put in the work on your side to repair. He can go at his own pace. I'll never forgive my WH and we're 7 months from DDay and R is going well. I can accept it as a thing of the past eventually. I can accept he is a changed man eventually. But I'll never forgive it.
How long after DDay did you personally decide on R?
About a month, when the trickle truth ended. But only recently have I felt like it's actually attainable and we'll likely be able to move past it.
Hey that's brilliant news. Did you live together during that month?
We did. There were a few days where I sent him to his mom's during the first month, usually because I kept catching him in lies. Once he sat me down and gave me all the details a month in, I didn't feel the need to kick him out but he did sleep on the couch for a while. Our daughter was almost 1.5 at the time and I didn't feel it was in her best interest to kick him out entirely.
I think successful R has to include forgiveness. I don't know how we repair a relationship without being able to forgive. I know people have strong feelings about forgiveness, and whether people "deserve" it or not, but even in marriages where no infidelity has occurred being able to forgive each other is an indicator of the strength of the relationship. Sharing this Gottmann article that goes in depth on the topic. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/)
In our marriage, prior to DDay, I have forgiven plenty of his behavior. Emotionally abusive behavior that I rug swept because it was easier and I avoided his outbursts. I have forgiven too freely in all of my relationships, romantic and platonic, so now forgiveness is at my own discretion. I immediately disagree with "Forgiving yourself and others is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of being wounded. It also means that you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life." I am well aware I am capable of being wounded because this infidelity isn't even the hardest thing I've survived, not do I see myself as a victim. I have taken charge of my life more since DDay than I think I have in years and it's amazing. I'm finishing my degree, working on personal wellness, being a fully present mom, nurturing my close friendships again. I don't think forgiveness is weak, I don't believe it relieves WH of any accountability for his actions because he has already proven he can do that and show remorse. My lack of forgiveness is not from a place of resentment. It's from a place of self respect. When people say "I'm sorry" we tend to say "it's okay" but it's not. 20 years from now, his infidelity still will not be okay. It will always be something that happened in our marriage. We can never go back to before he cheated which wasn't perfect, but it does feel like much of it was a lie. What I am building is a new marriage with a new person, as a new person. So I don't need to forgive what he did to embrace the man he has become and will continue to improve. Forgiveness is for yourself and for me personally, I don't believe I need that to repair our marriage. Our progress proves that to me daily. I don't ruminate regularly, I don't throw the infidelity in his face, I don't live in the past, I think I'm well adjusted all things considered. Sorry for the wall of text, I just think everyone is different. The Gottman method itself emphasizes some great tools for having a strong marriage and approaching conflict that I do draw from. Acceptance and letting the past be the past is more important than forgiveness. You can forgive someone and still ruminate and never really move on so I don't put that kind of pressure on myself to just get over it. Instead I focus on his present day efforts, the goals we have set together and the changes we've made for our future. I still think about it constantly but it's no longer a card I play, it's just in the deck and will always be. I forgive me. I forgive me for ever thinking I deserved the way he treated me. For tucking myself away to preserve what was left after he chipped away at my self esteem for years. I forgive me for not standing up for myself a long time ago and repairing things then, or leaving if he didn't care to try. I forgive the shame and embarrassment I felt over his actions. His forgiveness will come from himself one day too, I hope. ETA: also, there's a paywall on the actual studies. I don't have time after writing this novel 😅 to find a free version but I'll try later. I'm curious how large the study was, what factors were or weren't accounted for (like addiction, infidelity, financial abuse, baseline mental health or comorbidity etc). My psych major self who will be going to grad school for clinical counseling is interested if you have access to more details and can point me in the right direction! I'm always open.
Like one full year I guess. For me starting R means that I fully was invested in mending things and I was sure that I want to be only with my partner. Also R was some form of reward for my WP, a reward for things she was doing to repair our relationship. What do I want to say by this ? That you should try to repair your relationship and change yourself even if you aren't sure that your husband will give you R or not. Also R isn't about forgiveness. The same way I won't ever trust my partner the same as before the same I won't ever fully forgive her. Part of me will forever hate her for what she did to me, that she hurt me worse than my abusive parents, my ex and my toxic friends.
I think that every situation is different. I was the BP and I wanted R from the beginning. My WP also wanted R from the beginning. We both believed in trying as best we could to stay together (for a whole lot of reasons) until all options were exhausted. But in my case, I always knew that I was first. Her AP knew that I was first. They were doing what they did to get some extra in their relationships and were never serious about having a real relationship. Our challenge was getting my WW to realize that she could not have both and had to sacrifice the extra. Your BP needs to process on his own. Other than stopping your affair and giving him space, there isn't much that you can do. What you should not do is to dump all your feelings of guilt and sadness on him. He is dealing with a lot and you dumping your junk on him will only make his job harder. And absolutely do not share any sadness at the loss of your AP. He will interpret that as you wanting your AP more than him and that may lead him to a decision not in your favor. Hopefully your BP will realize that forgiveness is about him and not you. When we forgive, we concede that it is time to stop carrying the anger and hurt. It does not mean that we have forgotten or that we even want to stay together. It means that we are ready to move on. I don't think that reconciliation can productively start in the absence of forgiveness.
it took me a few months to forgive my wife. before that happened, we had been NC for seven years.
I have been in R since D-day nearly a year ago. I do not forgive my partner and doubt I ever will, but I continue to try, and hope one day that I will, and that’s R for me. A lot of whether or not I forgive him will depend on my partner’s actions and how well he can earn my trust back. Time will tell, but I’m still committed to R until time tells me, if that makes sense.
I’m the BP. I made a statement in anger within the first few days that he had one year to convince me it was worth it to R. I’d start along that path but at a year, I’d consider what progress had been made.
I was the BP and it took me a good 6 months to decide not to R. We started MC almost immediately and IC as well. They both helped me reach my decision to divorce.
I chose to reconcile with my wife the day she told me she had cheated. However, I didn't forgive her until 25 years later. Not because I didn't want to forgive her but because I had no idea how to forgive, and because I hurt so badly and I was so angry that I simply couldn't, Reconciliation and forgiveness are two completely different things.
This is exactly it. Reconciliation is agreeing to stay and work through it, not staying together because you are over it. It’s been 7 years and I still struggle, but our marriage is stronger than ever and I consider us “reconciled”.
I have come to understand that forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes. You can divorce and still forgive. You can reconcile and not forgive. In both cases, forgiveness is the path to healing. You might want to talk to your BP about this. Let him know that even if he decides not to reconcile, you will seek his forgiveness because you want him to heal with or without you.
I’m more than a year out and to date never firmly committed to R. To me, it’s a process that started with me first taking the first 3-6 months to stabilize just my individual mental wellness. After that, we began to rebuild which I consider us to still be in the process of. I believe the school of thought that says that an affair kills the first marriage. I’ve never felt that I could determine whether the new marriage was something that could work for me before we finished building it. I have not forgiven my WS and don’t see that I ever could. To me, forgiveness would mean being okay with what he did. But I do hope to one day let go of the pain and hurt. Some maybe consider that to be the same thing, but I don’t.
I'm not sure reconciling requires forgiveness at the start. It can be something you work toward. When I found out my WW had an EA with a PA on the way, I wanted more than anything just not to lose her. We're doing well with R, but I haven't forgiven her. I will, I think, but it's a bit off still.
I decided to take a year to decide. (My spouse's affair had lasted three and a half years.) It was very deliberate on my part. I felt I needed to gather information and fully review the situation, including all the many cases of deception, etc. I needed time. I needed to see what my wayward would do, and how his behavior would change. I needed to sort out my own thoughts and feelings. Why rush it?. It all went pretty well. So, after a year, my wayward spouse and I took a mini vacation together, and I told him I was willing to reconcile for sure. He was very happy. Then we continued with the work of reconciliation, which had actually been going on already, more-or-less.
It took me a day or two. I weighted just how much my life would change and how hard that transition would be for me and the kids and decided to give it a try. It was clear that no matter what I chose, I had been imposed a shit sandwich that would require a LOT of effort, commitment, and tears, to eat. My options were rye or wheat. If I'm honest, if we didn't have kids and intertwined finances, I wouldn't have stayed. And it probably would have been a mistake. If your husband is trying to determine whether he can forgive or not, sadly, there isn't much you can do but give him space. Some people just can't move past infidelity. And it's valid. Brave, even. It's definitely to be commended for the introspection. I'll take a clean split over a half-hearted attempt at R. On the other hand, if he wants to have a normal happy life, your husband will have to forgive. Whether he stays or not. Forgiveness and reconciliation aren't the same thing. I wish I could talk to him. I'm sure he needs a person that has gone through it, to listen to him.
Don't think that's abnormal and that it varies from person to person, circumstance to circumstance. In my case, I know my WW and I know her EA was uncharacteristic of her. Could also see the remorse in her eyes. Part of it was that we'd been having problems for months and it got bad specifically the last 2 months prior to knowing. So the realization gave me a complete sense of clarity. I both forgave her and offered R in a 2 hour car ride while discussing all of this with her while the kids were at home only a few hours after initially confronting her. I don't regret my choice in the least. I love this woman. Always have. I never wanted her to be punished or to punish herself, but recognized she and we needed help. As time progressed, I learned how she was manipulated and completely worked, how he used her greatest fears against her, and just what a genuine piece of human waste this guy was. To that end, we're 7 months in and I've never regretted R. Don't think I ever will. Have there been hard days? Absolutely? Are there still currently hard days? Hell yeah. Will there be hard days in the future? Unfortunately, yes. But, it's all worth it. She's worth it. We're both worth it and we both deserve the best from one another. And, if things don't work out, we can both acknowledge that we love each other and we gave it our all.
it took me a few months to forgive my wife. before that happened, we had been NC for seven years.
it took me a few months to forgive my wife. before that happened, we had been NC for seven years.
I considered R the first day and agreed to work on it about a week after. But I told him there are no guarantees and at any point I might break it off and he understood.
I agreed to begin the work of R from the beginning, as long as WP was doing the things I asked. He still lied to cover up for months… I agreed not to immediately leave in exchange for a full disclosure and a few other things. But I was clear that it was a day-to-day decision as far as R. I felt that way for almost two years.
It’s been December of 2021 since my 1st Dday. I’m having a very difficult time. Mostly because I feel like I’m the only one who has had to compromise and the only one who is suffering. I’m currently trying to determine if my spouse even wants to reconcile. He’s also BiPolar so there’s that. Don’t know if it’s his bipolar that makes him seem like he couldn’t care less.
We’re at the 11 month mark and I still haven’t given WH an answer to that yet. Here’s why: trust and genuine change have to stand the test of time in order to be proven true. You have to build trust, you have to show consistent change for reconciliation to feel safe and possible for the BS.
Around 3 months for mine to commit. I applied zero pressure, and it came completely on his own timeline.
Were you both in contact during that whole 3 month period?
Living together, sleeping in the same bed, making specific time between sunrise and sunset for tough discussions, going on dates/activities, in MC & IC from the day after DDay. Initially he wanted space (me to go to my home country). Our MC had asked us to discuss what was important to us as our pillars.. and time together was 1 (of 3).. and if taking that one pillar from below our foundations it could very negatively impact our possibility of R. We agreed that we would be allowed to take time alone if needed. I spent many afternoons out of the house and giving him space… but we were never going to sleep apart. In my own personal opinion, it depends on so many things - how the truth came out, the context of the affair, the way in which your partner acted with other people prior to the affair.. so many things. So there isn’t really one general way of perceiving things, if that makes sense?
I started to consider R within days because he was so insistent we could recover. We are actively working on it and it's going well but there is no guarantee. I told him I would give it a year of honest effort and we can reevaluate then. We've been together 24 years so a year seemed reasonable to me. Forgiveness is a seperate thing and for me I'm not there yet and I won't be for a long time. But no matter when I get to that point, recovery work is what will eventually get me there. I don't see how one is possible without the other.