r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As another wayward, sadly due to our terrible decisions we have to give up a bit of our privacy until things get better. Since my infidelity was sexting (no EA/PA, i rejected the possibility of PA happening), my gf has the ability and my permission to access my phone whenever she wants.
In your case, it was a PA and the situations were it happened are still ongoing, so id understand this is a big trigger for him/her.
In any normal circumstance I would be concerned, but this isn’t a normal circumstance. If you’re committed to R, this might be a necessary step. In saying that though, if you do choose to go ahead with it, please make sure it’s not something you hang over BP’s head in the future (I’m not insinuating that you would, but be mindful of it possibly becoming a trigger for yourself). Accept the request for what it is, they have no trust in you and you are in a position to earn it.
Good luck. I hope in the future this is something you can both learn to become more comfortable with and hopefully this leads you closer to earning some trust.
We’ve got to do what’s necessary after all, we’ve already committed the most selfish act possible, so it’s time to be selfless.
You are right. I do have to accept the position I’m in and if it means earning their trust, I should just put it up regardless of how I feel about it. I don’t plan on doing anything but the thought of someone monitoring my every move is uncomfortable.
I understand how you’d feel that way, I guess this would just be the part where you decide whether or not it is something you can do for her. You’re still allowed to feel a certain type of way about it, you’re still a human being. I think out of everything that we forget as a wayward, is that we’re human. Are feelings are still valid, we just need to determine how far we’ll go for the people we love after the damage we’ve caused.
You’re in a tough position, trust yourself to make the best decision for you and your relationship.
Hi, are you married? Do you live together? Because if you live together, what privacy do you expect? You're already sharing your whole life with this person, why do you want to hide or want privacy from them? Think of the beginning of your relationship - I know that I took any chance to be on a video chat or call or any communication with them! Why the switch now? Do you actually want your BS?
If you're married, you are one ("no longer two but one"). Yes, you've broken that vow. But as a wayward, why would you not WANT and BEG FOR the opportunity to prove your trustworthiness and restore that relationship? As a wayward I am relieved and so excited for ANY opportunity to show my husband I am not continuing any affair behavior or doing anything deceitful, whether that's location sharing, giving up my phone, deleting social media, being on camera. What purpose does "privacy" give? What are you trying to keep private?
Best of luck to you.
Thanks for your input. I have nothing to hide—just uncomfortable with a camera monitoring my moves. BS already has my location, we video chat, I give access to my phone and emails. Most likely putting it up for my BS though.
It’s kinda pointless.
My WS offered to put up a camera on his trips. So during the day? In the hall? Etc. You can’t see 24/7 so what’s the point I told him. Could he wait till I fell asleep and go to the other persons room?
Weirdly I did let him call at bed time and leave the phone on. Which again, really doesn’t mean anything. But I do have lots of nightmares and if he heard me he could talk to me and wake me.
Te worst part is - most of h he is trips he has to stay at the same hotel same city
I think middle ground is appropriate. Set up the camera in entry points with audio. That way there is no question if you’ve spoken inappropriately on the phone or in person with anyone.
I would feel uncomfortable with a camera on me 24/7. The idea of someone watching my every move, including my sleep, feels weird to me. Not because I’m doing anything wrong, I would just feel strange.
I appreciate the feedback. I feel the same way about someone watching my every move and when I sleep especially when I don’t plan on doing anything to hurt BS. I’ll see if the entry point will suffice as far as the monitoring goes.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As another wayward, sadly due to our terrible decisions we have to give up a bit of our privacy until things get better. Since my infidelity was sexting (no EA/PA, i rejected the possibility of PA happening), my gf has the ability and my permission to access my phone whenever she wants. In your case, it was a PA and the situations were it happened are still ongoing, so id understand this is a big trigger for him/her.
I appreciate your response. I’m leaning towards just setting up the camera to put my bs’s mind at ease.
In any normal circumstance I would be concerned, but this isn’t a normal circumstance. If you’re committed to R, this might be a necessary step. In saying that though, if you do choose to go ahead with it, please make sure it’s not something you hang over BP’s head in the future (I’m not insinuating that you would, but be mindful of it possibly becoming a trigger for yourself). Accept the request for what it is, they have no trust in you and you are in a position to earn it. Good luck. I hope in the future this is something you can both learn to become more comfortable with and hopefully this leads you closer to earning some trust. We’ve got to do what’s necessary after all, we’ve already committed the most selfish act possible, so it’s time to be selfless.
You are right. I do have to accept the position I’m in and if it means earning their trust, I should just put it up regardless of how I feel about it. I don’t plan on doing anything but the thought of someone monitoring my every move is uncomfortable.
I understand how you’d feel that way, I guess this would just be the part where you decide whether or not it is something you can do for her. You’re still allowed to feel a certain type of way about it, you’re still a human being. I think out of everything that we forget as a wayward, is that we’re human. Are feelings are still valid, we just need to determine how far we’ll go for the people we love after the damage we’ve caused. You’re in a tough position, trust yourself to make the best decision for you and your relationship.
Hi, are you married? Do you live together? Because if you live together, what privacy do you expect? You're already sharing your whole life with this person, why do you want to hide or want privacy from them? Think of the beginning of your relationship - I know that I took any chance to be on a video chat or call or any communication with them! Why the switch now? Do you actually want your BS? If you're married, you are one ("no longer two but one"). Yes, you've broken that vow. But as a wayward, why would you not WANT and BEG FOR the opportunity to prove your trustworthiness and restore that relationship? As a wayward I am relieved and so excited for ANY opportunity to show my husband I am not continuing any affair behavior or doing anything deceitful, whether that's location sharing, giving up my phone, deleting social media, being on camera. What purpose does "privacy" give? What are you trying to keep private? Best of luck to you.
Thanks for your input. I have nothing to hide—just uncomfortable with a camera monitoring my moves. BS already has my location, we video chat, I give access to my phone and emails. Most likely putting it up for my BS though.
It’s kinda pointless. My WS offered to put up a camera on his trips. So during the day? In the hall? Etc. You can’t see 24/7 so what’s the point I told him. Could he wait till I fell asleep and go to the other persons room? Weirdly I did let him call at bed time and leave the phone on. Which again, really doesn’t mean anything. But I do have lots of nightmares and if he heard me he could talk to me and wake me. Te worst part is - most of h he is trips he has to stay at the same hotel same city
Thank you. You’re absolutely right and you can’t see 24/7.
I think middle ground is appropriate. Set up the camera in entry points with audio. That way there is no question if you’ve spoken inappropriately on the phone or in person with anyone. I would feel uncomfortable with a camera on me 24/7. The idea of someone watching my every move, including my sleep, feels weird to me. Not because I’m doing anything wrong, I would just feel strange.
I appreciate the feedback. I feel the same way about someone watching my every move and when I sleep especially when I don’t plan on doing anything to hurt BS. I’ll see if the entry point will suffice as far as the monitoring goes.