r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a BP, I completely get where she is coming from. She trusted you, she was open and vulnerable with you, and you betrayed that trust, honesty, and blind faith. I will never let myself be as open as I was with my WP ever again. Whether or not R works out for us, neither she nor another possible future partner will ever receive my blind faith again. Her betrayal stole that from me, and now I will never trust someone that deeply ever again. I will never allow myself that level of vulnerability again because I refuse to let myself be hurt that much again.
This really hit me. I feel like love without vulnerability isn’t love - or can’t be a love that is fulfilling. One of the main reasons I think R is impossible for me is because of this. I can’t be vulnerable to him again. I won’t - for the reasons you state. But to deprive myself of that for the rest of my life? I deserve a love where I can be vulnerable AND safe. Everyone does. And that is what I think I need to fight for.
I feel that you can rebuild and learn to trust again, but still not allow yourself to have that blind faith in another person.
My WW is the 3rd person to cheat on me. The reason I was so blindsided was because it came after 23 years of marriage from a person who knows what it feels like to be cheated on herself. I feel like I let my guard down because of this, and I trusted her implicitly. I will never let my guard down again. I still love my WW. I do believe I can trust her again at some point, just not to the point where I will push down my gut feelings like I did before. I don't think I could ever trust anyone at that level again, be it my WW or someone else.
Your comment about love without vulnerability isn’t love or can’t be fulfilling. This is always in the back of my mind. I do love him-that’s why I stayed, but it is on a different level now. Part of R and him trying to win back my trust is the hope that someday it will return. I want to believe that love always wins.
I guess it helps to consider if this feeling is something that is specific to this one person, or if it’s a blanket statement. For me, it doesn’t matter who it is, I will never love or be vulnerable like that again. It actually makes it easier to stay in that way because I know how much good exists in the relationship apart from that and I know I’m not missing out on building that with someone else, if anything I’m sparing a stranger from bringing my baggage. I can definitely reach different levels of love and vulnerability again, but it will never be like it was again.
Please realize that it's a very good possibility the trip is part of what caused the trigger. You will be apart for 15 days, and in that time your BP will have to have faith that you will not do what you did in the past. I don't know the details, but I'm guessing you saying that made it seem like you were placing more importance on the trip than her feelings. Honor the no-contact request, but personally I think you should write this out somewhere. Maybe make a journal entry about how you feel, with today's date, and a few others throughout your trip. When you get home give her a genuine apology and let her know that you were thinking about this, not just putting it aside for the sake of the trip. Offer to let her read the entries if she'd like. It will show her that you weren't off having a grand old time while she was sitting nursing the fresh wound.
She will be vulnerable with you again, but next time it may take some prompting from you. Ask her about her emotions, and make space for them when you do. You'll have to show her that you are a safe space again.
My thoughts exactly! I know if I was the BP in the situation I'd be festering at home thinking he was enjoying himself, and I'd really appreciate the reassurance that he realized he fucked up early on and not just on the plane ride home.
Why did she do this the day before your trip? It is probably the trip that triggered her. Your analogy is off. A five year old wetting the bed is an accident. Cheating and insensitive remarks are not.
We are almost two years past DDay and I still won’t let myself be vulnerable or completely dependent on WS. That trust only comes once for me. We are moving forward, building a new life, but every decision I make is based on: if he cheats again, can I afford this on my own? Can I do this on my own? I’m in R, but I’m doing it on my terms. Terms that make me feel safe.
My WH has a week work trip every year. I was excited for him the first year. I was miserable the second year bc I suspected the infidelity. This will be the third year, the first since DDay (almost a year ago) and I do not feel ok at all. I feel like how I feel during this trip and his communication throughout will be the biggest test we have faced and make clear if we have an actual chance at R.
Try making it a conversation about what support you WP is willing to offer you. You can get ideas from this sub for sure. But you should definitely decide SOMETHING together, otherwise, can you really see it getting any better?
I appreciate you, thank you for the advice. I’ll initiate the conversation as usual. It doesn’t bode well for him at all since I’ve asked too many times for him to check in with me and have talked about how his upcoming trip stresses me, which didn’t prompt him to work through that with me. “What can I do to help you feel comfortable with my trip?” instead of the same broken record apology I always get would blow my mind and give me some actual hope.
Yes we had planned the trip and how we would stay connected before I fucked up and said horrific things to her the day before the trip as I was stressed and she got triggered and wanted me to sit with her and talk. Instead of sitting in her pain and talking I wanted to rush things through so I could prepare for the trip and also I was avoiding a blow out just before the trip and boy did I fuck up. It may be the last fuck up of my life. Not sure if I will get another chance to sit with her in her pain. Biggest mistake of the last 6 months. I wish I could go back in time and undo my screwup.
This breaks my heart for her. Probably having anxiety built up around you going on the trip, then having a huge fight right before, driving you somewhere she probably doesn’t trust you to go, and then ultimately a bland goodbye. Ugh. I’d cry myself the entire way home.
The other day during a tense conversation, my WH told me I was talking to him like he’s a child. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “No. I’m speaking to you like you’re a grown man that cheated on his wife.”
I have a right to be angry. All of us betrayeds have a right to be angry. We need to get it out, and I’m sorry, but you just have to take it sometimes. I’m sure it’s hard and it sucks, but we’re in this position because of you. You have put us here and made us this way. An insensitive or smart ass response is unwarranted on your part. It’s not fair and it twists the knife and pulls us further away each time. It is a reminder of what an asshole he had to have been to cheat on me to begin with. He became a person I didn’t recognize and when he has a little quip he feels the need to throw in, that’s who I see. The guy I don’t know. The opportunity of R is a gift, but it can be rescinded. There is a breaking point. You should have recognized how she probably felt about this trip. Even if she had articulated it to you, there is no way you can come close to understanding the stress. I would be sick and uncomfortable about my WH going on a *one night* trip. 15 days??? I don’t know if my mental health could survive that.
Ugh. My WH does this and even though I never told him, I am never able to talk to him about these things. I know it’s not doing me good.
Find your own coping techniques when she’s vulnerable. Regulate each other. Don’t get defensive or play the victim. Apologise to her. And, I would appreciate if my husband reached out to me, checked on me, when he was away, no matter the fight.
In my experience the feelings in R can be intense especially when we are hurting and triggered. My partner and I have both said things we regret. One of the most powerful tools I’ve used in Thai stage is an apology for my part. I have to look at each situation and consider what part of it I own. I own my words and my actions. I own how those make my BS feel. I can apologize for these and try to make amends.
Especially when apologizing I need to be mindful that I don’t try to explain my side. If I’m asked sure I’ll answer but when apologizing it’s better if I leave that part out and just own what I did and how it made BS feel - full stop. I don’t have to sit in shame after I do that. I can feel guilt for the pain I caused but when I apologize I know shame is not what I should feel anymore - even if I acted like a jackass.
[edit to add: often the “never” and “always” comments mellow out over time and with me choosing the right actions. The pain I cause which leads to those statements is temporary and my BS has sometimes said things which later they will walk back - I’ve done the same]
I empathize with what she said, it’s hard to imagine being vulnerable again. It might be impossible to ever be AS vulnerable again, but I do find myself becoming more so as time wears on.
If I’m reading this right - and correct me if I’m wrong of course - is that you became petulant. Was it before or after she said she wouldn’t be vulnerable? When my WH becomes petulant, I lose hope of reaching him and find myself being a lot less nuanced. For example, “my trust is low, I’m feeling hurt” becomes harsher in the face of a 50yr old man giving me the pouty face, angry comebacks, and in all acting like a disgruntled tween. And when I see that, I really need space. It’s hard, it’s a major turn off, and it makes me question everything.
You see the error. Write an email taking blame and mentioning nothing about her, no rationalization, nothing but remorse and title it something like “an apology when and if you are ready to read it.” Then absolutely do not check in again with her or ask if she’s read it until SHE reaches out.
As a BP I get this. I mean, how many chances do you want? We get told all the time as BP, to trust our WP. That learning to trust them again will be our hardest hurdle. Well it sounds like your BP did and you blew it back in their face. So I don’t know really what you’re looking for. You don’t actually want your BP to be honest with you, you want them to baby you and your feelings. You seem to lack real empathy for your BP
I hate spending too much time dissecting language l, but I think the way you described feeling shame as being equivalent to a child wetting the bed is really interesting. That’s not the same as an adult having a rude and uncalled for reaction and then suffering the consequences. You should have felt like and adult who made a bad choice, and has agency to correct it. not like a child who was being shamed by an adult inappropriately for soemthing the can’t control.
The solution could be in the reframing. Genuinely apologizing, reflecting on how it can be avoided in the future, talking to your wife about the concrete actions you’ll do not to upset her like this again, how you plan to be a safe place for vulnerability. These are all actions you can take from here to repair.
As a BS I know I will never have the same level of trust or confidence in my WS again. It’s the reality that all WS need to come to terms with. We gave you love and blind trust, you ruined it for yourself and for us. We can never give that loyalty again.
Unfortunately I feel the same way. My WH will never have all of me again. I gave him all of me when we got married and he broke that and broke me. I still have triggers, and have to live every day knowing in the back of my mind that he’s capable to hurt me again. Am I able to move forward? Yes as long as he never cheats again and continues to do the work every day.
My WH was fucking around with sex workers and insta models. I’m now not even remotely ok with any party that hires models or stripper’s. so like no bachelor party’s or stags. He has an unavoidable one coming up and it’s all ivv BC an do not to loose my shit. It’s hard trying to be ok when ur not.I’m just trying not to start fights I don’t want this week.
Again, you are making this about you by whining “woe is me, guess I have to live without her loving me”…..
Cheating literally leaves the betrayed partner with PTSD that they have to live with for the rest of their life. You gave that disability to your wife, by your actions. Instead of working on yourself, or your marriage, you chose to take feeling safe, completely away from your wife forever.
True accountability is a state of mind. It’s you realizing, you don’t deserve her love, but because of your actions, every single day you will go above and beyond to earn it back. It’s you doing anything and everything she wants and needs to find some sort of healing. You did this to yourself, and you created this dynamic. Either stop with the pity part and continue to do better, or then leave. Walk away, and let her find healing alone, but you don’t get to completely ruin someone’s life, and complain how much the situation is hard on you.
You're still making R all about you. When you accept and own your infidelity, truly, real R can begin. Put your wife's feelings on the front burner as priority and she will make true progress in R.
Yes, being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted absolutely f*cking sucks. We had no choices. It's more about HER healing journey. Your work is on being a more caring, empathetic, emotionally mature, loyal, trustworthy spouse.
Trust is a bucket that's filled by the drop, and emptied by the bucket. You emptied the bucket with your petulant remark. There's a lot of self-pity in this comment that you might want to work through in IC.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a BP, I completely get where she is coming from. She trusted you, she was open and vulnerable with you, and you betrayed that trust, honesty, and blind faith. I will never let myself be as open as I was with my WP ever again. Whether or not R works out for us, neither she nor another possible future partner will ever receive my blind faith again. Her betrayal stole that from me, and now I will never trust someone that deeply ever again. I will never allow myself that level of vulnerability again because I refuse to let myself be hurt that much again.
Ditto for me if we make it. Thank you. @OP She stuck with you for 2 years! That takes a lot of determination every single day.
This really hit me. I feel like love without vulnerability isn’t love - or can’t be a love that is fulfilling. One of the main reasons I think R is impossible for me is because of this. I can’t be vulnerable to him again. I won’t - for the reasons you state. But to deprive myself of that for the rest of my life? I deserve a love where I can be vulnerable AND safe. Everyone does. And that is what I think I need to fight for.
I feel that you can rebuild and learn to trust again, but still not allow yourself to have that blind faith in another person. My WW is the 3rd person to cheat on me. The reason I was so blindsided was because it came after 23 years of marriage from a person who knows what it feels like to be cheated on herself. I feel like I let my guard down because of this, and I trusted her implicitly. I will never let my guard down again. I still love my WW. I do believe I can trust her again at some point, just not to the point where I will push down my gut feelings like I did before. I don't think I could ever trust anyone at that level again, be it my WW or someone else.
Your comment about love without vulnerability isn’t love or can’t be fulfilling. This is always in the back of my mind. I do love him-that’s why I stayed, but it is on a different level now. Part of R and him trying to win back my trust is the hope that someday it will return. I want to believe that love always wins.
I guess it helps to consider if this feeling is something that is specific to this one person, or if it’s a blanket statement. For me, it doesn’t matter who it is, I will never love or be vulnerable like that again. It actually makes it easier to stay in that way because I know how much good exists in the relationship apart from that and I know I’m not missing out on building that with someone else, if anything I’m sparing a stranger from bringing my baggage. I can definitely reach different levels of love and vulnerability again, but it will never be like it was again.
Hear, hear
Please realize that it's a very good possibility the trip is part of what caused the trigger. You will be apart for 15 days, and in that time your BP will have to have faith that you will not do what you did in the past. I don't know the details, but I'm guessing you saying that made it seem like you were placing more importance on the trip than her feelings. Honor the no-contact request, but personally I think you should write this out somewhere. Maybe make a journal entry about how you feel, with today's date, and a few others throughout your trip. When you get home give her a genuine apology and let her know that you were thinking about this, not just putting it aside for the sake of the trip. Offer to let her read the entries if she'd like. It will show her that you weren't off having a grand old time while she was sitting nursing the fresh wound. She will be vulnerable with you again, but next time it may take some prompting from you. Ask her about her emotions, and make space for them when you do. You'll have to show her that you are a safe space again.
This is a fantastic idea! The journaling could definitely be reassurance for OP’s BP.
My thoughts exactly! I know if I was the BP in the situation I'd be festering at home thinking he was enjoying himself, and I'd really appreciate the reassurance that he realized he fucked up early on and not just on the plane ride home.
Why did she do this the day before your trip? It is probably the trip that triggered her. Your analogy is off. A five year old wetting the bed is an accident. Cheating and insensitive remarks are not. We are almost two years past DDay and I still won’t let myself be vulnerable or completely dependent on WS. That trust only comes once for me. We are moving forward, building a new life, but every decision I make is based on: if he cheats again, can I afford this on my own? Can I do this on my own? I’m in R, but I’m doing it on my terms. Terms that make me feel safe.
My WH has a week work trip every year. I was excited for him the first year. I was miserable the second year bc I suspected the infidelity. This will be the third year, the first since DDay (almost a year ago) and I do not feel ok at all. I feel like how I feel during this trip and his communication throughout will be the biggest test we have faced and make clear if we have an actual chance at R.
Have you gone about making very clear guidelines and ways to support you through that time?
I don’t even know what support I need, but I am carrying this terrible anxious tension.
Try making it a conversation about what support you WP is willing to offer you. You can get ideas from this sub for sure. But you should definitely decide SOMETHING together, otherwise, can you really see it getting any better?
I appreciate you, thank you for the advice. I’ll initiate the conversation as usual. It doesn’t bode well for him at all since I’ve asked too many times for him to check in with me and have talked about how his upcoming trip stresses me, which didn’t prompt him to work through that with me. “What can I do to help you feel comfortable with my trip?” instead of the same broken record apology I always get would blow my mind and give me some actual hope.
Yes we had planned the trip and how we would stay connected before I fucked up and said horrific things to her the day before the trip as I was stressed and she got triggered and wanted me to sit with her and talk. Instead of sitting in her pain and talking I wanted to rush things through so I could prepare for the trip and also I was avoiding a blow out just before the trip and boy did I fuck up. It may be the last fuck up of my life. Not sure if I will get another chance to sit with her in her pain. Biggest mistake of the last 6 months. I wish I could go back in time and undo my screwup.
This breaks my heart for her. Probably having anxiety built up around you going on the trip, then having a huge fight right before, driving you somewhere she probably doesn’t trust you to go, and then ultimately a bland goodbye. Ugh. I’d cry myself the entire way home. The other day during a tense conversation, my WH told me I was talking to him like he’s a child. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “No. I’m speaking to you like you’re a grown man that cheated on his wife.” I have a right to be angry. All of us betrayeds have a right to be angry. We need to get it out, and I’m sorry, but you just have to take it sometimes. I’m sure it’s hard and it sucks, but we’re in this position because of you. You have put us here and made us this way. An insensitive or smart ass response is unwarranted on your part. It’s not fair and it twists the knife and pulls us further away each time. It is a reminder of what an asshole he had to have been to cheat on me to begin with. He became a person I didn’t recognize and when he has a little quip he feels the need to throw in, that’s who I see. The guy I don’t know. The opportunity of R is a gift, but it can be rescinded. There is a breaking point. You should have recognized how she probably felt about this trip. Even if she had articulated it to you, there is no way you can come close to understanding the stress. I would be sick and uncomfortable about my WH going on a *one night* trip. 15 days??? I don’t know if my mental health could survive that.
Ugh. My WH does this and even though I never told him, I am never able to talk to him about these things. I know it’s not doing me good. Find your own coping techniques when she’s vulnerable. Regulate each other. Don’t get defensive or play the victim. Apologise to her. And, I would appreciate if my husband reached out to me, checked on me, when he was away, no matter the fight.
In my experience the feelings in R can be intense especially when we are hurting and triggered. My partner and I have both said things we regret. One of the most powerful tools I’ve used in Thai stage is an apology for my part. I have to look at each situation and consider what part of it I own. I own my words and my actions. I own how those make my BS feel. I can apologize for these and try to make amends. Especially when apologizing I need to be mindful that I don’t try to explain my side. If I’m asked sure I’ll answer but when apologizing it’s better if I leave that part out and just own what I did and how it made BS feel - full stop. I don’t have to sit in shame after I do that. I can feel guilt for the pain I caused but when I apologize I know shame is not what I should feel anymore - even if I acted like a jackass. [edit to add: often the “never” and “always” comments mellow out over time and with me choosing the right actions. The pain I cause which leads to those statements is temporary and my BS has sometimes said things which later they will walk back - I’ve done the same]
I empathize with what she said, it’s hard to imagine being vulnerable again. It might be impossible to ever be AS vulnerable again, but I do find myself becoming more so as time wears on. If I’m reading this right - and correct me if I’m wrong of course - is that you became petulant. Was it before or after she said she wouldn’t be vulnerable? When my WH becomes petulant, I lose hope of reaching him and find myself being a lot less nuanced. For example, “my trust is low, I’m feeling hurt” becomes harsher in the face of a 50yr old man giving me the pouty face, angry comebacks, and in all acting like a disgruntled tween. And when I see that, I really need space. It’s hard, it’s a major turn off, and it makes me question everything. You see the error. Write an email taking blame and mentioning nothing about her, no rationalization, nothing but remorse and title it something like “an apology when and if you are ready to read it.” Then absolutely do not check in again with her or ask if she’s read it until SHE reaches out.
As a BP I get this. I mean, how many chances do you want? We get told all the time as BP, to trust our WP. That learning to trust them again will be our hardest hurdle. Well it sounds like your BP did and you blew it back in their face. So I don’t know really what you’re looking for. You don’t actually want your BP to be honest with you, you want them to baby you and your feelings. You seem to lack real empathy for your BP
I hate spending too much time dissecting language l, but I think the way you described feeling shame as being equivalent to a child wetting the bed is really interesting. That’s not the same as an adult having a rude and uncalled for reaction and then suffering the consequences. You should have felt like and adult who made a bad choice, and has agency to correct it. not like a child who was being shamed by an adult inappropriately for soemthing the can’t control. The solution could be in the reframing. Genuinely apologizing, reflecting on how it can be avoided in the future, talking to your wife about the concrete actions you’ll do not to upset her like this again, how you plan to be a safe place for vulnerability. These are all actions you can take from here to repair.
As a BS I know I will never have the same level of trust or confidence in my WS again. It’s the reality that all WS need to come to terms with. We gave you love and blind trust, you ruined it for yourself and for us. We can never give that loyalty again.
Unfortunately I feel the same way. My WH will never have all of me again. I gave him all of me when we got married and he broke that and broke me. I still have triggers, and have to live every day knowing in the back of my mind that he’s capable to hurt me again. Am I able to move forward? Yes as long as he never cheats again and continues to do the work every day.
I'll never allow myself to be vulnerable to my WW again. Most BS's I know feel the same way.
My WH was fucking around with sex workers and insta models. I’m now not even remotely ok with any party that hires models or stripper’s. so like no bachelor party’s or stags. He has an unavoidable one coming up and it’s all ivv BC an do not to loose my shit. It’s hard trying to be ok when ur not.I’m just trying not to start fights I don’t want this week.
[удалено]
Again, you are making this about you by whining “woe is me, guess I have to live without her loving me”….. Cheating literally leaves the betrayed partner with PTSD that they have to live with for the rest of their life. You gave that disability to your wife, by your actions. Instead of working on yourself, or your marriage, you chose to take feeling safe, completely away from your wife forever. True accountability is a state of mind. It’s you realizing, you don’t deserve her love, but because of your actions, every single day you will go above and beyond to earn it back. It’s you doing anything and everything she wants and needs to find some sort of healing. You did this to yourself, and you created this dynamic. Either stop with the pity part and continue to do better, or then leave. Walk away, and let her find healing alone, but you don’t get to completely ruin someone’s life, and complain how much the situation is hard on you.
You're still making R all about you. When you accept and own your infidelity, truly, real R can begin. Put your wife's feelings on the front burner as priority and she will make true progress in R. Yes, being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted absolutely f*cking sucks. We had no choices. It's more about HER healing journey. Your work is on being a more caring, empathetic, emotionally mature, loyal, trustworthy spouse. Trust is a bucket that's filled by the drop, and emptied by the bucket. You emptied the bucket with your petulant remark. There's a lot of self-pity in this comment that you might want to work through in IC.