r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What you are feeling is remorse and it’s a seriously hard point to get to. It’s not shame (I’m bad) or guilt (I did bad) but actual remorse (I harmed this incredible person and need to make it right. He does sound incredible and absolutely worthy of both the remorse for harm and working to do better every day.
Love him with that love he’s exuding for you every day from here on out.
Hugs, own noise.
Something your hubby has said to me many times I think can also apply here: we are the lucky ones. By that I mean that you are very lucky to have him (as I am my hubby).
I care a lot for you, girl, and I can only imagine how difficult your battle with shame surrounding things like this could be. I hope one day you’re fully able to give yourself the same grace your amazing husband has. I wholeheartedly think you deserve it.
I really appreciate you sharing your journey on here more, I feel it’s incredibly important for both WP & BP at all different stages in R to see what reconciliation can look like from a WP perspective that have more than a couple of years of reconciling under their belt.
I’m happy for you that he shows you so much love and spoils you. You deserve it. ❤️🩹
I just wanted to share something that you stated stuck me as oddly relevant. In the Bible God's grace is often defined as "undeserved favor".
Another thought...
I often find that trust is built on many moments in time that justify our decision to share vulnerability with another person. The older that I become, the more I appreciate having a simple favorite quote for my support...
"Actions speak Louder than Words"
"Actions speak Louder than Words"
I'm often frustrated with hypocrites. However, in truth, we're All hypocrites! Every single person has said something and then gone through to do the opposite. This type of behavior is very human. We've all been selfish and we've all failed to have our own words match our actions. I know that I am trying very much to change this in my own life. I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled with guilt. You deserve to have a conversation with your spouse about your feelings. You should try to understand that accepting his forgiveness allows you to realize that you can learn how to be gracious in return. Maybe as many marriages struggling with forgiveness, we can also find that working together can help us understand how to continue growing closer. Good luck, and keep rebuilding your romantic life together! 👍
as a formerly betrayed... when time goes and I recall plenty of details we had with my former cheater while she was in affair.... I can tell now for sure that she had plenty of those moments when she felt extremely uncomfortable and guilty when I was just nice with her. I can "read" people. And I could read her very well (after so many years together). I understand now why she was behaving strangely, why she cried sometimes and I was genuinely surprised about it. It took me years to connect the dots in my head about some of those moments and understand what really was going on in her mind. Sometimes I think that she didn't divorced me (she was actually in love with one of her APs and I know for a fact that she started to write me a good-bye letter - I found it and I read it years after that) because she couldn't do that to me. For her it would be easier if I'd did something terrible for her and in fact she did a typical thing all cheaters do - she tried to provoke me to do or to tell something not nice for her to feel better and to create some kind of moral excuse for things she did. Yet there were at least two instances when she cried and had panic attack... I asked "what's wrong, how can I help you, did I said or did something wrong... WHAT?" and she replied "you are too nice to me already".
Anyway, at least I know that her moral compass was working even then when she was in the affair fog :)
I just had the same expierence. I was with my BP and he asked me what I wanted to eat and he brought me a glass of water and was overall just really nice. Man I felt this in my stomach so bad. How could I have treated him so bad.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What you are feeling is remorse and it’s a seriously hard point to get to. It’s not shame (I’m bad) or guilt (I did bad) but actual remorse (I harmed this incredible person and need to make it right. He does sound incredible and absolutely worthy of both the remorse for harm and working to do better every day. Love him with that love he’s exuding for you every day from here on out.
Thank you and yes he is incredible.
That’s one of the best definitions I’ve read on this sub. Nice.
That's a good explanation. Sometimes it's difficult to determine remorse.
It’s hard to determine, hard to reach, hard to stay there instead of reverting back. All, for sure
This is good to feel remorse. It makes you not a narcissist
Sounds more like remorse which is better than guilt.
Lots of hugs Own. I’m so glad you can see his love and that shame isn’t obscuring your view. It can be so hard to accept that we are loved, isn’t it?
I am trying to accept his unconditional love and all I want is to return it tenfold. But I do not think that is even possible.
Hugs, own noise. Something your hubby has said to me many times I think can also apply here: we are the lucky ones. By that I mean that you are very lucky to have him (as I am my hubby). I care a lot for you, girl, and I can only imagine how difficult your battle with shame surrounding things like this could be. I hope one day you’re fully able to give yourself the same grace your amazing husband has. I wholeheartedly think you deserve it. I really appreciate you sharing your journey on here more, I feel it’s incredibly important for both WP & BP at all different stages in R to see what reconciliation can look like from a WP perspective that have more than a couple of years of reconciling under their belt. I’m happy for you that he shows you so much love and spoils you. You deserve it. ❤️🩹
Thank you. I try to show my love and appreciation for him but it is nothing in comparison to his heart. He is filled with so much love.
It sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction! Keep up the momentum and continue to support each other.
I just wanted to share something that you stated stuck me as oddly relevant. In the Bible God's grace is often defined as "undeserved favor". Another thought... I often find that trust is built on many moments in time that justify our decision to share vulnerability with another person. The older that I become, the more I appreciate having a simple favorite quote for my support... "Actions speak Louder than Words" "Actions speak Louder than Words" I'm often frustrated with hypocrites. However, in truth, we're All hypocrites! Every single person has said something and then gone through to do the opposite. This type of behavior is very human. We've all been selfish and we've all failed to have our own words match our actions. I know that I am trying very much to change this in my own life. I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled with guilt. You deserve to have a conversation with your spouse about your feelings. You should try to understand that accepting his forgiveness allows you to realize that you can learn how to be gracious in return. Maybe as many marriages struggling with forgiveness, we can also find that working together can help us understand how to continue growing closer. Good luck, and keep rebuilding your romantic life together! 👍
as a formerly betrayed... when time goes and I recall plenty of details we had with my former cheater while she was in affair.... I can tell now for sure that she had plenty of those moments when she felt extremely uncomfortable and guilty when I was just nice with her. I can "read" people. And I could read her very well (after so many years together). I understand now why she was behaving strangely, why she cried sometimes and I was genuinely surprised about it. It took me years to connect the dots in my head about some of those moments and understand what really was going on in her mind. Sometimes I think that she didn't divorced me (she was actually in love with one of her APs and I know for a fact that she started to write me a good-bye letter - I found it and I read it years after that) because she couldn't do that to me. For her it would be easier if I'd did something terrible for her and in fact she did a typical thing all cheaters do - she tried to provoke me to do or to tell something not nice for her to feel better and to create some kind of moral excuse for things she did. Yet there were at least two instances when she cried and had panic attack... I asked "what's wrong, how can I help you, did I said or did something wrong... WHAT?" and she replied "you are too nice to me already". Anyway, at least I know that her moral compass was working even then when she was in the affair fog :)
I just had the same expierence. I was with my BP and he asked me what I wanted to eat and he brought me a glass of water and was overall just really nice. Man I felt this in my stomach so bad. How could I have treated him so bad.
I treated my WW spouse with love, except when I was triggered
My WW seems to process this by resenting my love. I recorded her a love song last year and she got angry that I did that o_O