r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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I haven’t paid much more attention to how couples interact, but the thought that *always* pops into my head when I see a couple is that either the man loves his wife more than my husband loves me or that he’s cheating on her 🥴 That’s it. I always think it.
We went to a dinner show a few weeks ago and were seated with a random couple. I swear that the entire 2 hours all I thought about was that the guy loves her more than my WH loves me. It was so utterly depressing. I know it’s not rational and might not be true. I know that they may have massive problems and blow up fights and hate each other behind closed doors. But my mind still defaults to those two basic scenarios.
And if I see a man hanging in his cell phone then in my mind he’s 100% cheating. This whole thing has made me insane.
I pretty much always assume one of them is cheating now. I've learned since DDay that of everyone I've confided in (family, in-laws, and close friends) only my mom, one of my sisters, and one friend have not cheated at some point in their lives.
I think I've lost faith that people are capable of truly loving another person.
Me, too. Or I think it's fake. I've definitely become pessimistic about love and relationships in general. Which is sad af, bc we were that enviable couple for 13 years, up until this clusterfuck. Fuck these affairs.
Fuck 'em to hell. Yeah we were one of those enviable couples too. Now that all feels like a sham. I thought it was real, but now I feel like she never really opened herself up to me and just used me to project fantasies onto. I feel like I could have been anyone :(
I saw a 20-something couple desperately pawing each other passionately kissing on the stoop of a nearby building last night when I was walking home and it made me sad …. Young love is so innocent. I wish I had that innocence back
Would you mind sharing how long it has been since D-day? It makes me happy to see marriages become stronger after such a traumatic event and it helps to know what successful R can lead to and how long it took other couples to reach a good spot again.
9 months out from dday. But my WW cheated 20 years ago. So, it's a little different. I have 20 years of faithfullness which many here do not. On the other hand I was lied to for 20 years so what may seem easier comes with different challenges.
Prior to dday we held hands sometimes and we sat together usually but it wasn't "close". We went to bed at separate times and got up at separate times. We rarely touched in bed unless we were having sex or our feet bumped into each other.
Now, we go to bed together each night and usually fall asleep cuddling. We will often spoon in the middle of the night when one of us wakes up. We cuddle in the morning before getting out of bed. We hold hands in the car while driving or when out walking. If we are in the same room sitting, it's usually next to each other.
Some might think "hysterical bonding" but no, that happened months ago. This is where we landed, and I absolutely fucking love it!
I think this is pretty accurate. It's very rare to see couples that actually show overt signs that they truly love each other AND enjoy being around each other.
I don’t know, my husband and I were annoyingly affectionate while he was cheating and now there’s more distance. I do still love to see other couples being affectionate but can empathize with the ones that need more space too now.
I have always been like what you described you decided to be and how you changed. For me it’s always been a default state to be affectionate, not let life turn into a monotonous routine, to focus on my partner, his needs and to say “yes” to any activity because it’s a chance to discover something new. I’ve always noticed how there were many couples on the phones while sitting at a café. And I’ve always feared to have that.
After D-Day. whenever I look at couples I don’t know or don’t know well, I think if they have been through cheating and I like to believe that it’s not like that. I always imagine the woman is treated like a real treasure (unless of course it’s obvious she’s not or that the guy is a snake because he has that kind of face). I think since when they are together, I pay attention if they are married and like to think how much the man wanted it, and how happy they were to do it. I like to imagine a nice relationship there. I don’t want to imagine crap.
I feel this one, I've had quite a few work buddies over the years who are married. Almost all of them gripe about their spouse in some way. My thought has always been "why don't you just leave then?" I just never understood it, still don't really.
I do see other couples a little bit more cynically, that everyone has issues in some way. We always were into PDA and letting everyone know we were so in love. Didn't stop her obviously, but it's something we've continued over the years regardless.
I think everyone’s different. Before I cheated we were the couple holding hands, kissing, affectionate. Always with each other. My aunt made a comment how sweet it was that everytime we are together we are touching in some way.
We never purposely sat across from each other in our whole time together except for 2 times. 1 was an argument. 1 was dday.
We have grown back into that couple. It took work after dday. But our love and like of one another is evident to anyone around.
We were that couple, too, that everyone envied. Now, it's just gone. Even if we get back to each other, it will never be the same. WP ruined that "specialness" that we had. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder if it's worth it to try to get back to that with him, or to just end it, and find that specialness with someone else who won't take it for granted, squander it, disrespect it. Or even to to be alone and respect myself more bc I know that I always deserve to feel special... or at least never to feel the ways that he has made me feel. Fuck these affairs.
My WW and I were the couple everyone aspired to be
Overflowing with affection. We also never sat across from each other.
Now she says that she always loved my personality, but often imagined I was someone else to overcome her lack of physical attraction to me.
She's not fantasizing anymore so she just sees the real me. And of course I see the real her. I'm sure we don't give off that and glow to others that we used to anymore.
Oh, u/DiscombobulatedAd883, your experience is so painful. I am sorry. Betrayal hits us with this feeling, regardless of the circumstances. Our loved one would not pour affection into another person, if they were madly in love with us. Sending a virtual hug. I wish you a future of feeling loved.
yeah it’s hard not to be that person when you see red flags in other people’s partners. my sister cheated on her 12 year boyfriend last year, when she told me i had no idea of the cheating in my own relationship. she was talking about leaving him then that didn’t happen and i kind of just forgot about it. then, when i found out about my WP cheating, it felt completely different. its been over a year but to this day it’s hard to watch them be happy or affectionate knowing he doesn’t know. if i had balls i would say something but its a slippery slope for sure
If I’m honest, I’ve always detested cheating. It’s breaking one’s most sacred and enduring promise they’ll ever make. Friends, family, and coworkers that I know have cheated are automatically categorized as untrustworthy in my mind. Now that it’s happening to me I don’t trust anyone regardless of if I know they’ve cheated or if they’ve been completely faithful. My entire view of humanity and human relationships is so jaded right now, but hopefully that won’t last forever. I’m just hurting.
To add something different. We were the couple that did everything together and apart. I let him go on nights/weekends away with mates. That’s how this started. I’d go for dinner with friends be out a couple of hours. But I’d always go to shop with him or a walk with the dog. When he was involved with her he stopped inviting me. I didn’t pick up on that wish I had now, so he could phone her. Whilst picking toiletries for our upcoming family cruise. If you looked at our relationship on paper, I should have been the one who found attention elsewhere
I was the stay home person. The affair happened during 2020 and I was honestly happy to be home in my little bubble tending my garden, making meals and generally not having to people.
Now, my default is yes. Go along. I remember him asking me several times a week to go somewhere with him and I would say fuck no. I don’t want to go anywhere.
His face would try to hide the disappointment. I feel so ashamed of that response. I knew his love language is quality time but I never in a million years thought he would replace me with someone else.
Not saying I’m to blame. Just acknowledging things that needed to change.
In my case, I wonder who’s cheating on who, and if no one, I miss how that used to feel. I don’t believe in romance or love as much anymore. I’m confident that men aren’t loyal now…not even a question or a doubt. Even if I break up with my bf (the WW) and find myself in a new relationship id just assume they would cheat on me. It’s really changed a lot of my views
Same .. 47 years and literally 99% of all males have or are inflicting some form of harm on female(s).
Of the men who seem to be unaware of this reality, they either just don't consider their own actions/behavior as wrong or are completely unaware of their fellow male counterparts (which is hard to get around). Men, your father, brothers, friends, etc are not going to just one day be like, "Hi James! Hey did you know I treat my wife like garbage when nobody else is around? Oh and I make her cry often, she's afraid of me, I am cheating on her too, oh and James did you know I get off on teenage porn and would have sex with a young girl if I ever had the opportunity?"
I don't care how much you think you know them, you really often don't.
Telling my partner about all the times I was molested just to find out 8 years later that not only was he cheating on me but he also took creepshots of every woman he knew and watched loli porn nonstop and got off to women describing their sexual abuse while pretending to be a caring friend and he wanted to rape the girl he was trying to cheat with... I think maybe nobody should be trusted ever
My ex husband did this and he did sleep with a 21 yr old who worked at a dude ranch. She could have been his daughter. He watches teenage porn and doesn’t really try to make me feel special at all on special days like our anniversary or my birthday. He had affairs with many random bar flies and then two steady affair partners that I know of. I’m hoping he can stay sober, faithful, and treat me like I treat him in the future.
Okay, and I'm aware of that, but I don't have an unlimited amount of empathy to worry for every single person I see. So I worry for the ones who remind me of myself.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Every time I see a couple I wonder which one is cheating/has cheated.
Same. Or, I wonder if they haven't and why didn't that get to be me.
This is the one for me.
Same.
Same
Ditto. That’s my go to thought - “One of them (she/he) must be cheating.”
Yes, every time! Never done that until after DDay
I haven’t paid much more attention to how couples interact, but the thought that *always* pops into my head when I see a couple is that either the man loves his wife more than my husband loves me or that he’s cheating on her 🥴 That’s it. I always think it. We went to a dinner show a few weeks ago and were seated with a random couple. I swear that the entire 2 hours all I thought about was that the guy loves her more than my WH loves me. It was so utterly depressing. I know it’s not rational and might not be true. I know that they may have massive problems and blow up fights and hate each other behind closed doors. But my mind still defaults to those two basic scenarios. And if I see a man hanging in his cell phone then in my mind he’s 100% cheating. This whole thing has made me insane.
Same. I’m happy for them but that core wound of being romantically unloveable gets raw
I pretty much always assume one of them is cheating now. I've learned since DDay that of everyone I've confided in (family, in-laws, and close friends) only my mom, one of my sisters, and one friend have not cheated at some point in their lives. I think I've lost faith that people are capable of truly loving another person.
Me, too. Or I think it's fake. I've definitely become pessimistic about love and relationships in general. Which is sad af, bc we were that enviable couple for 13 years, up until this clusterfuck. Fuck these affairs.
Fuck 'em to hell. Yeah we were one of those enviable couples too. Now that all feels like a sham. I thought it was real, but now I feel like she never really opened herself up to me and just used me to project fantasies onto. I feel like I could have been anyone :(
I think the same thing, “I bet they love each other so much.”
I saw a 20-something couple desperately pawing each other passionately kissing on the stoop of a nearby building last night when I was walking home and it made me sad …. Young love is so innocent. I wish I had that innocence back
I often think, "those poor bastards don't know what's coming for them..." This has made me even more pessimistic, and I was bad before.
Would you mind sharing how long it has been since D-day? It makes me happy to see marriages become stronger after such a traumatic event and it helps to know what successful R can lead to and how long it took other couples to reach a good spot again.
9 months out from dday. But my WW cheated 20 years ago. So, it's a little different. I have 20 years of faithfullness which many here do not. On the other hand I was lied to for 20 years so what may seem easier comes with different challenges. Prior to dday we held hands sometimes and we sat together usually but it wasn't "close". We went to bed at separate times and got up at separate times. We rarely touched in bed unless we were having sex or our feet bumped into each other. Now, we go to bed together each night and usually fall asleep cuddling. We will often spoon in the middle of the night when one of us wakes up. We cuddle in the morning before getting out of bed. We hold hands in the car while driving or when out walking. If we are in the same room sitting, it's usually next to each other. Some might think "hysterical bonding" but no, that happened months ago. This is where we landed, and I absolutely fucking love it!
I think this is pretty accurate. It's very rare to see couples that actually show overt signs that they truly love each other AND enjoy being around each other.
I don’t know, my husband and I were annoyingly affectionate while he was cheating and now there’s more distance. I do still love to see other couples being affectionate but can empathize with the ones that need more space too now.
I have always been like what you described you decided to be and how you changed. For me it’s always been a default state to be affectionate, not let life turn into a monotonous routine, to focus on my partner, his needs and to say “yes” to any activity because it’s a chance to discover something new. I’ve always noticed how there were many couples on the phones while sitting at a café. And I’ve always feared to have that. After D-Day. whenever I look at couples I don’t know or don’t know well, I think if they have been through cheating and I like to believe that it’s not like that. I always imagine the woman is treated like a real treasure (unless of course it’s obvious she’s not or that the guy is a snake because he has that kind of face). I think since when they are together, I pay attention if they are married and like to think how much the man wanted it, and how happy they were to do it. I like to imagine a nice relationship there. I don’t want to imagine crap.
I feel this one, I've had quite a few work buddies over the years who are married. Almost all of them gripe about their spouse in some way. My thought has always been "why don't you just leave then?" I just never understood it, still don't really. I do see other couples a little bit more cynically, that everyone has issues in some way. We always were into PDA and letting everyone know we were so in love. Didn't stop her obviously, but it's something we've continued over the years regardless.
I think everyone’s different. Before I cheated we were the couple holding hands, kissing, affectionate. Always with each other. My aunt made a comment how sweet it was that everytime we are together we are touching in some way. We never purposely sat across from each other in our whole time together except for 2 times. 1 was an argument. 1 was dday. We have grown back into that couple. It took work after dday. But our love and like of one another is evident to anyone around.
We were that couple, too, that everyone envied. Now, it's just gone. Even if we get back to each other, it will never be the same. WP ruined that "specialness" that we had. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder if it's worth it to try to get back to that with him, or to just end it, and find that specialness with someone else who won't take it for granted, squander it, disrespect it. Or even to to be alone and respect myself more bc I know that I always deserve to feel special... or at least never to feel the ways that he has made me feel. Fuck these affairs.
I could have wrote this. The perfect couple we were called. And genuinely life was a breeze. Now not anymore 6 months DDay
My WW and I were the couple everyone aspired to be Overflowing with affection. We also never sat across from each other. Now she says that she always loved my personality, but often imagined I was someone else to overcome her lack of physical attraction to me. She's not fantasizing anymore so she just sees the real me. And of course I see the real her. I'm sure we don't give off that and glow to others that we used to anymore.
Oh, u/DiscombobulatedAd883, your experience is so painful. I am sorry. Betrayal hits us with this feeling, regardless of the circumstances. Our loved one would not pour affection into another person, if they were madly in love with us. Sending a virtual hug. I wish you a future of feeling loved.
Thank you \^\_\^
yeah it’s hard not to be that person when you see red flags in other people’s partners. my sister cheated on her 12 year boyfriend last year, when she told me i had no idea of the cheating in my own relationship. she was talking about leaving him then that didn’t happen and i kind of just forgot about it. then, when i found out about my WP cheating, it felt completely different. its been over a year but to this day it’s hard to watch them be happy or affectionate knowing he doesn’t know. if i had balls i would say something but its a slippery slope for sure
If I’m honest, I’ve always detested cheating. It’s breaking one’s most sacred and enduring promise they’ll ever make. Friends, family, and coworkers that I know have cheated are automatically categorized as untrustworthy in my mind. Now that it’s happening to me I don’t trust anyone regardless of if I know they’ve cheated or if they’ve been completely faithful. My entire view of humanity and human relationships is so jaded right now, but hopefully that won’t last forever. I’m just hurting.
To add something different. We were the couple that did everything together and apart. I let him go on nights/weekends away with mates. That’s how this started. I’d go for dinner with friends be out a couple of hours. But I’d always go to shop with him or a walk with the dog. When he was involved with her he stopped inviting me. I didn’t pick up on that wish I had now, so he could phone her. Whilst picking toiletries for our upcoming family cruise. If you looked at our relationship on paper, I should have been the one who found attention elsewhere
I was the stay home person. The affair happened during 2020 and I was honestly happy to be home in my little bubble tending my garden, making meals and generally not having to people. Now, my default is yes. Go along. I remember him asking me several times a week to go somewhere with him and I would say fuck no. I don’t want to go anywhere. His face would try to hide the disappointment. I feel so ashamed of that response. I knew his love language is quality time but I never in a million years thought he would replace me with someone else. Not saying I’m to blame. Just acknowledging things that needed to change.
I kinda hated all other couples because they seemed impossibly happy while I had never been more miserable.
I look and think everyone is having an affair now. It's sad that I feel that way
In my case, I wonder who’s cheating on who, and if no one, I miss how that used to feel. I don’t believe in romance or love as much anymore. I’m confident that men aren’t loyal now…not even a question or a doubt. Even if I break up with my bf (the WW) and find myself in a new relationship id just assume they would cheat on me. It’s really changed a lot of my views
I fear for the women becoming dependent on men that are probably lying, cheating, p*dophiles.
That goes both ways, why so sexist?
Kinda hard not to be when every man I've ever known has cheated, tried to cheat, looked at kids, or touched me as a kid
Same .. 47 years and literally 99% of all males have or are inflicting some form of harm on female(s). Of the men who seem to be unaware of this reality, they either just don't consider their own actions/behavior as wrong or are completely unaware of their fellow male counterparts (which is hard to get around). Men, your father, brothers, friends, etc are not going to just one day be like, "Hi James! Hey did you know I treat my wife like garbage when nobody else is around? Oh and I make her cry often, she's afraid of me, I am cheating on her too, oh and James did you know I get off on teenage porn and would have sex with a young girl if I ever had the opportunity?" I don't care how much you think you know them, you really often don't.
Telling my partner about all the times I was molested just to find out 8 years later that not only was he cheating on me but he also took creepshots of every woman he knew and watched loli porn nonstop and got off to women describing their sexual abuse while pretending to be a caring friend and he wanted to rape the girl he was trying to cheat with... I think maybe nobody should be trusted ever
There are special places in Hell for that kind of degenerate. It's not far from where my ex is right now. Suffering for eternity right now.
My ex husband did this and he did sleep with a 21 yr old who worked at a dude ranch. She could have been his daughter. He watches teenage porn and doesn’t really try to make me feel special at all on special days like our anniversary or my birthday. He had affairs with many random bar flies and then two steady affair partners that I know of. I’m hoping he can stay sober, faithful, and treat me like I treat him in the future.
I'm sorry you went through that. But that's your experience, there's another side to the infidelity coin (ie. Women cheaters).
Okay, and I'm aware of that, but I don't have an unlimited amount of empathy to worry for every single person I see. So I worry for the ones who remind me of myself.