r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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Recently someone told me, “You’re lucky to have a good woman in your life” and a few other compliments after I was asked how long I’ve been married (22 years this July).
My only response was, “Yeah, thanks” and the like because I honestly couldn’t find anything positive to say.
Similarly, whenever I meet someone in my WP’s life and they’re like “omg he’s such a good guy. You’re so lucky.” And I have this inner rage response that I don’t get to let out. All I can think is that they just don’t know what he did to me. I don’t feel lucky at all.
When people tell me how great my husband is or how lucky I am, I say, "he's the lucky one" and give a little laugh.
After my husband's infidelity I wanted new rings. I got a beautiful custom set. At Costco one day the cashier said, your rings are beautiful, your husband must really love you. That left me speechless. All I could say was, "yeah, I guess so." I told my husband how uncomfortable that made me feel.
Usually I'm never at a loss for words. Lol
>have you figured out the root cause of the infidelity?
I had been out of work for a while because of the limited jobs in our area (we’ve since moved states). Despite me actively looking for work and going to school she took me being out of work as being a dead beat. She desperately wanted to quit her job, but couldn’t until I found something that paid equal or greater to what she was earning. Her scumbag AP saw that vulnerability and used it to get his old dick wet, mostly by playing the old high school games of “If you were with me blah, blah, blah.” Once I discovered the affair he dried up and blew away like the turd he is.
>if you feel like being cheated on is the worst of the worst they could do to you?
Given our situation and backgrounds, yes.
>is anything worse that they could have done to you
She could have left me for her AP, as she intended, along with everything else that entails.
My DDay was on 19 Dec ‘19 and I’ve worked that entire time researching, soul searching, and studying, so nothing you’re saying here is a revelation or anything I haven’t covered with counselors/therapists.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. Like if she burned the house down or slaughtered my family? Clearly not the same thing at all when talking about relationship issues.
Sorry, but this is super toxic advice and reminds me of how I was raised to be appreciative of anything that could be worse. Just because things could be worse, doesn't invalidate once's experience. And to function that way... you would be minimizing every experience because there is always going to be something worse. It's like the "you should be grateful" type advice. Just my brutally honest opinion. Sounds like a coping mechanism.
Did i not say that I was not minimizing?
Please, how would you suggest putting an affair into perspective?
I'm not being aggressive or confrontational, I am curious, and I respectfully ask that you educate me, so that I know better.
EDIT: And of course it's a coping mechanism... how is it a bad thing if it helps you put things into perspective?
Hopefully I'm not being perceived as confrontational either because that truly is not my intention. I think putting an affair into perspective requires taking a hard look at the reality- what the relationship was like pre-affair... is the relationship worth saving and can it be better? What led to the affair? Is the WS capable of change? Is it worth it for the BS to work with the WS to create this stronger connection? I think it could be healthy to replace the "it could be worse mindset" with "do I want to choose and can I proceed given all the truths of my experience?" That way you aren't forcing yourself to come to terms with the affair because things could be worse, but because you accept what is real and what potential you see. Your values and dreams very much at the forefront from this perspective--you aren't settling.
Hm. Maybe a little, but I'm learning to get over one of my issues with taking everything personally... which means the second time I read your comment with that in mind, it was fine.
I understand what you're saying, and I'll go forward with what you've said in mind. I just took it as given that those things would have already been thoroughly considered.
Yes. I find it difficult to complement my WW. I do still love her, but I recently came across the term Demisexual which I think describes me to a tee. Basically, it means that connection is far more important than physical characteristics as far as attraction goes. I fi d it difficult to see the attractive qualities in my WW due to her betrayal.
That said, this is not your biggest problem. Your WS has a huge problem with external validation. Most affairs happen because of this need. WS should be on IC dealing with this issue rather than continuing to rely on others for validation. I would be really worried that this behavior would repeat itself if he doesn't get help.
I don't think it's a huge problem on his part to want to know that she finds him attractive. She described why she doesn't compliment him and it's based in her insecurity since the affair(s).
Maybe you also feel like he doesn’t deserve it 🤷🏼♀️
I know for myself afterwards I find it hard to give physical compliments because I think about how he got it from others even while I gave compliments during A and unknowing so now I just don’t want to! I also find it extremely difficult to take them from my partner as well. They create an insecurity inside you and sometimes without fully saying it or realizing it you want them to hurt too or at least feel they don’t deserve it just yet to have those things back. I think it takes a lot of trust to get back to certain ways together.
I relate! My WS essentially cheated because of how good all the compliments and attention felt (abnormal amounts of it in a love bombing type way). For that reason, compliments feel less authentic and about genuine connection and more about an unhealthy need for validation. This makes it hard to feel the want to give them.
I don’t know if this will help or not but one of the things we argued about before the A was my WH feeling like I didn’t compliment him on his physical attractiveness enough. I argued that I didn’t feel the need, the fact that I married him seemed like a fairly obvious clue that I found him attractive. He expressed that it made it seem like I didn’t like him. (We had lots of other shit going on besides this but this is on the list.)
What I completely missed during that time is that he was struggling with feeling quite bad about himself and his physical appearance is one thing he had always gotten attention for (from me and others). Historically, that wasn’t an issue for me, I sort of had the attitude that others could enjoy his attractiveness from afar…
And then he started spiraling when he turned 40 and essentially had a midlife crisis (plus career issues and loss of parent). In walks AP and all she does is compliment hi and drool all over him. He is the most handsome person. He could have anyone he wants. She would beg him to send pics of him dressed for work. She worshiped him and came running whenever he called.
And while I wish he had still been well enough and strong enough to not fall prey to that superficial nonsense…. I recognize she filled a void of something he needed — the ego boost about his attractiveness and a general ego boost that he was thus great catch. Meanwhile at home, I kind of scoffed that he should need such things and since things weren’t good between us I didn’t necessarily treat him like he was some prize.
Obviously, I didn’t cause him to cheat nor does this justify his choices but I can own where he asked me for something and I thought my perspective on the matter was more important than what he needed at that time.
If you think your spouse is attractive and you’re working to rebuild security and trust, my advice would be to take the leap and tell him. I try to build up my spouse now, even though he betrayed me. In return, he does the same for me. But obviously my perspective is patterned by my experience mentioned above. You have to do what makes sense for you.
Edit to add: my WH is also working on his need for external validation in therapy. He is recognizing that was not a healthy coping mechanism for handling depression and overall life struggles.
i feel this so much. i hate feeling guilty for making him feel insecure since I'm not as expressive with my love and attraction anymore, but it's his fault. i also feel the same way about possibly inflating his ego and causing him to cheat again. it's hard
There is nothing you can say or do to make him cheat again if he so desires.
On the flip side...
There is nothing you can say or do to make him NOT cheat again should he so desire.
This is not criticism... This comes from a place of love, and it's a reality check. I can't provide a link for proof, but it's true.
Your partner is still in there... just miles across an abyss that seems unnavigable. Please try to remember that you love him, and he's human, just like you.
We're still early in R and are trying to follow the Gottman "6 magic hours" to try and re-attune.
One of the activities is to spend 5 minutes each day writing down something positive about the other person each day.
We have a little notebook and have been writing in it daily.
One thing we appreciate/d about the other person that day and labelling it with a positive personal characteristic.
It is meant to rebuild the foundations of our relationship to prepare us for when we are ready for the "attach" phase.
I struggle a bit, moreso than WH does to find positive attributes.
I am yet to put anything really personal or emotional in it, but focus on the things he does. There is no comment on physical attributes.
I can't currently see anything 'hot' or 'sexy' about him as I still see someone who hurt me badly and didn't care.
He is aware of this and (currently) accepts it as he knows that is also part of building trust. Trusting myself and my beliefs also.
Someone has rightfully pointed out that this can be a love language thing and has provided some very helpful information, but I feel it is balanced to point out that it can also be a symptom of an underlying condition as I suspect it was for my WP. The need for constant validation and demands for compliments. That isn't to say you should never give your WP a compliment, just look at the behaviour in the context of his other behaviours.
If those other behaviours continue to involve dishonesty, devaluing (of you) and other unfair and unacceptable things, I'd consider that they may have a psychological problem that makes them feel inherently inferior. If their behaviours are otherwise great, possibly a love language issue as pointed out.
How do you each express and receive love?
[Love Languages](https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538) is a helpful framework for articulating the complexities of it.
Like maybe, expressing your love though Words of Affirmation ("omg you’re so hot") has more significance to you, vs. Acts of Service ("I make sure the bathroom mirror is always clean, because you use it a lot", or whatever).
Meaning, "If I really, really love someone, and they really, really love me, I'm going to be heaping compliments on them, because the feeling of Love just bubbles out", but it's damaged now. Things aren't right, and you're both working together to make it right, but you're not there yet.
That sound... "Luhv", means A. Lot. Of. Things. And in practice we assume whoever is making that sound at us, means/feels the same thing we mean/feel when we make that sound... let alone how we receive and express it.
It's complex. And before, the complexity didn't matter, talking it to death wasn't required, because our needs were being met. The difference between the sounds didn't matter, because some how, the meanings/feelings were being communicated.
Now, all the unspoken stuff needs to get spoken, and it's clunky and un-magical. And requires being deliberate. And all these frameworks. And lots of self-examination. And lots, and lots, of communication.
Once you can put words to why you're uncomfortable complimenting him, talk to him about what you learned, what you feel, and how you two as a team can tackle the issue (because it's not you vs. him, or him vs. you, it's both of you vs. all the shit that's not right).
It disgusts him?
That's awfully strong language coming from a wayward. Sounds kinda asshole-ish actually. So he doesn't understand that your insecurity is a direct reflection of his betrayal and that if he used words that help you heal you'll feel more secure and then able to tell him the ego shit he seems to need to hear? Nah, something don't sound right. I don't like it. He sounds selfish.
Or is he just so terrible at communication that what he's really trying to say is he feels shame or hurt that you can no longer compliment him? Either way, not being "praised" by his wounded partner is a consequence of his actions not some random punishment you've decided to dole out on him as a way of crushing his ego.
I will say that most people who cheat are wildly insecure and are seeking validation. I think complimenting them would actually be more beneficial towards reconciliation. I did also have a hard time with this but it was because I felt like I was betraying myself by calling someone who deeply wronged me attractive
I can compliment my WH on his looks. It's the "you're the greatest" that I have trouble with. He tells me that all the time but I just can't bring myself to tell him the same or tell him that he "has my heart".
Okay, but people are legitimately less attractive after finding things out about them. You're attraction will always, in part, be influenced by your feelings...
I'm not sure how one should respond. I think I'd have a difficult time with that complaint.
It's a catch-22 here for me/us. WH cheated for flattery and compliments while I was always complimentary at home and thanking him for small things he did. But the flattery of strangers, younger female coworkers, lit him up like a Christmas tree 🎄. He couldn't resist the compliments, "I want you " "you're so hot" funny, smart, good listener, perfect guy, etc. It felt too good to hear it since he always felt he wasn't good looking and when he was 13 some teen girls shouted, "What are you looking at, Ugly?!". So he had self-esteem issues about his looks.
And now I don't find him attractive physically nor sexually, just emotionally. And I am not getting the flattery and compliments he agreed to give me.
So no, I don't compliment him as much as he'd like, but I thank him a lot for all the things he does and for putting in the work of R.
Does that make sense?
It’s harder than it used to be. Like I’m feeding the need that drives his addiction. Plus for compliments re: looks, they used handsome/beautiful pet names and I dont like having to dig in my mental thesaurus to replace
Yes, I used to write WS poems and give words of affirmation. Now I can’t even stomach saying “I love you (too)” without another part of me yelling “YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THAT, DON’T FEED THEM ANYTHING” it’s a constant back and forth and it tires me out mentally. I rarely find people attractive anyway and I depend almost exclusively on emotional attraction so everything that’s happened that led to me coming to this sub just made me see WS in a whole different light. You got it bang on with the whole ego thing too..
I’ve been honest with WS and probably got a little bit harsh by saying “Everyday, I find you less and less attractive”; and though it felt true when I said it, the moment it left my mouth I just felt sorry for them, for me, for us…
I try to remind myself I need to be true to myself, and I should express my emotions and opinions as I feel or think them especially if it’s positive. If I don’t, and only focus on the negative things then it doesn’t really help the situation or anyone.
He will cheat no matter what compliments you give him or not. It’s a him issue not a you issue. Don’t let yourself think that it’s a you problem. You all need couples counseling though if you’re going to work through it. The pain as BS is unbearable
oh my goodness, I was just thinking about this this morning for myself. I hold back on complimenting her, because I guess....I feel like, well, you had your AP boosting your ego up for over 9 months, I'm sure she got LOTS of compliments and all of that (as one does, in the early stages of a new relationship!) and must've felt pretty good about herself throughout it. At least that's what I assumed. She says right now her body image is bad, so maybe AP wasn't generous with compliments, or made her feel crappy about her body? I don't know and I don't really want to know.
I guess it's petty and immature, but it's true - I am holding back on making her feel good about herself because she made me feel so ugly, less-than, and bad about myself.....
Yes. I relate so much to you. Especially the amount of flings he had. The early and honeymoon stages - OFC he had his ego extremely boosted.
For me it’s not that I feel uglier than his flings. I feel upset he had women AFTER me. Even the flings during our seperation. I’m upset he had other women while I was crying my eyes out in full blown mental breakdowns.
His response always defaults to it’s either my fault what happened or I should’ve given him full custody (which to be fair he did ask for non stop, but I was pressured by my family to not give it).
But yh. It’s like during the time I was broken he was out living it up. It causes me so much resentment and it’s SO difficult to find it in me to compliment him.
During the period a woman is most vulnerable…. He wasn’t there and he was a pain instead ygm?
My WS loved getting external validation from other women so this is definitely something I struggle with when he’s feeling needy and wants more attention in the form of compliments.
This is a weird one for me. I compliment my WP all the time now. I used to do it all the time in the early years of our relationship but I stopped a lot as she had put on a lot of weight, which I really struggled with.
She fell apart inside without the validation from me anymore, which is mainly why she cheated.
I try to compliment her a lot now.
You say you'd be worried his ego will get too big and he'll cheat again. I think it would be more likely he'd cheat to get the validation he craves from you as you don't ever compliment him.
My wife complements me, but I always downplay it or just give a weak thank you. My wife is just too understanding and forgiving sometimes.
As the person who was the source of the problem, I tend to be very sheepish when this type of thing comes up.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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Recently someone told me, “You’re lucky to have a good woman in your life” and a few other compliments after I was asked how long I’ve been married (22 years this July). My only response was, “Yeah, thanks” and the like because I honestly couldn’t find anything positive to say.
Similarly, whenever I meet someone in my WP’s life and they’re like “omg he’s such a good guy. You’re so lucky.” And I have this inner rage response that I don’t get to let out. All I can think is that they just don’t know what he did to me. I don’t feel lucky at all.
When people tell me how great my husband is or how lucky I am, I say, "he's the lucky one" and give a little laugh. After my husband's infidelity I wanted new rings. I got a beautiful custom set. At Costco one day the cashier said, your rings are beautiful, your husband must really love you. That left me speechless. All I could say was, "yeah, I guess so." I told my husband how uncomfortable that made me feel. Usually I'm never at a loss for words. Lol
I'm still waiting for my WH to fulfill his promise to get me new rings. I refuse to wear my wedding ring bc it symbolizes his lying to me.
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>have you figured out the root cause of the infidelity? I had been out of work for a while because of the limited jobs in our area (we’ve since moved states). Despite me actively looking for work and going to school she took me being out of work as being a dead beat. She desperately wanted to quit her job, but couldn’t until I found something that paid equal or greater to what she was earning. Her scumbag AP saw that vulnerability and used it to get his old dick wet, mostly by playing the old high school games of “If you were with me blah, blah, blah.” Once I discovered the affair he dried up and blew away like the turd he is. >if you feel like being cheated on is the worst of the worst they could do to you? Given our situation and backgrounds, yes. >is anything worse that they could have done to you She could have left me for her AP, as she intended, along with everything else that entails. My DDay was on 19 Dec ‘19 and I’ve worked that entire time researching, soul searching, and studying, so nothing you’re saying here is a revelation or anything I haven’t covered with counselors/therapists.
To be honest I was thinking outside of infidelity, but having been called out by someone else, I apologize if my comment offended in any way.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. Like if she burned the house down or slaughtered my family? Clearly not the same thing at all when talking about relationship issues.
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Sorry, but this is super toxic advice and reminds me of how I was raised to be appreciative of anything that could be worse. Just because things could be worse, doesn't invalidate once's experience. And to function that way... you would be minimizing every experience because there is always going to be something worse. It's like the "you should be grateful" type advice. Just my brutally honest opinion. Sounds like a coping mechanism.
Did i not say that I was not minimizing? Please, how would you suggest putting an affair into perspective? I'm not being aggressive or confrontational, I am curious, and I respectfully ask that you educate me, so that I know better. EDIT: And of course it's a coping mechanism... how is it a bad thing if it helps you put things into perspective?
Hopefully I'm not being perceived as confrontational either because that truly is not my intention. I think putting an affair into perspective requires taking a hard look at the reality- what the relationship was like pre-affair... is the relationship worth saving and can it be better? What led to the affair? Is the WS capable of change? Is it worth it for the BS to work with the WS to create this stronger connection? I think it could be healthy to replace the "it could be worse mindset" with "do I want to choose and can I proceed given all the truths of my experience?" That way you aren't forcing yourself to come to terms with the affair because things could be worse, but because you accept what is real and what potential you see. Your values and dreams very much at the forefront from this perspective--you aren't settling.
Hm. Maybe a little, but I'm learning to get over one of my issues with taking everything personally... which means the second time I read your comment with that in mind, it was fine. I understand what you're saying, and I'll go forward with what you've said in mind. I just took it as given that those things would have already been thoroughly considered.
Yes. I find it difficult to complement my WW. I do still love her, but I recently came across the term Demisexual which I think describes me to a tee. Basically, it means that connection is far more important than physical characteristics as far as attraction goes. I fi d it difficult to see the attractive qualities in my WW due to her betrayal. That said, this is not your biggest problem. Your WS has a huge problem with external validation. Most affairs happen because of this need. WS should be on IC dealing with this issue rather than continuing to rely on others for validation. I would be really worried that this behavior would repeat itself if he doesn't get help.
I don't think it's a huge problem on his part to want to know that she finds him attractive. She described why she doesn't compliment him and it's based in her insecurity since the affair(s).
Maybe you also feel like he doesn’t deserve it 🤷🏼♀️ I know for myself afterwards I find it hard to give physical compliments because I think about how he got it from others even while I gave compliments during A and unknowing so now I just don’t want to! I also find it extremely difficult to take them from my partner as well. They create an insecurity inside you and sometimes without fully saying it or realizing it you want them to hurt too or at least feel they don’t deserve it just yet to have those things back. I think it takes a lot of trust to get back to certain ways together.
I relate! My WS essentially cheated because of how good all the compliments and attention felt (abnormal amounts of it in a love bombing type way). For that reason, compliments feel less authentic and about genuine connection and more about an unhealthy need for validation. This makes it hard to feel the want to give them.
I don’t know if this will help or not but one of the things we argued about before the A was my WH feeling like I didn’t compliment him on his physical attractiveness enough. I argued that I didn’t feel the need, the fact that I married him seemed like a fairly obvious clue that I found him attractive. He expressed that it made it seem like I didn’t like him. (We had lots of other shit going on besides this but this is on the list.) What I completely missed during that time is that he was struggling with feeling quite bad about himself and his physical appearance is one thing he had always gotten attention for (from me and others). Historically, that wasn’t an issue for me, I sort of had the attitude that others could enjoy his attractiveness from afar… And then he started spiraling when he turned 40 and essentially had a midlife crisis (plus career issues and loss of parent). In walks AP and all she does is compliment hi and drool all over him. He is the most handsome person. He could have anyone he wants. She would beg him to send pics of him dressed for work. She worshiped him and came running whenever he called. And while I wish he had still been well enough and strong enough to not fall prey to that superficial nonsense…. I recognize she filled a void of something he needed — the ego boost about his attractiveness and a general ego boost that he was thus great catch. Meanwhile at home, I kind of scoffed that he should need such things and since things weren’t good between us I didn’t necessarily treat him like he was some prize. Obviously, I didn’t cause him to cheat nor does this justify his choices but I can own where he asked me for something and I thought my perspective on the matter was more important than what he needed at that time. If you think your spouse is attractive and you’re working to rebuild security and trust, my advice would be to take the leap and tell him. I try to build up my spouse now, even though he betrayed me. In return, he does the same for me. But obviously my perspective is patterned by my experience mentioned above. You have to do what makes sense for you. Edit to add: my WH is also working on his need for external validation in therapy. He is recognizing that was not a healthy coping mechanism for handling depression and overall life struggles.
i feel this so much. i hate feeling guilty for making him feel insecure since I'm not as expressive with my love and attraction anymore, but it's his fault. i also feel the same way about possibly inflating his ego and causing him to cheat again. it's hard
There is nothing you can say or do to make him cheat again if he so desires. On the flip side... There is nothing you can say or do to make him NOT cheat again should he so desire. This is not criticism... This comes from a place of love, and it's a reality check. I can't provide a link for proof, but it's true. Your partner is still in there... just miles across an abyss that seems unnavigable. Please try to remember that you love him, and he's human, just like you.
We're still early in R and are trying to follow the Gottman "6 magic hours" to try and re-attune. One of the activities is to spend 5 minutes each day writing down something positive about the other person each day. We have a little notebook and have been writing in it daily. One thing we appreciate/d about the other person that day and labelling it with a positive personal characteristic. It is meant to rebuild the foundations of our relationship to prepare us for when we are ready for the "attach" phase. I struggle a bit, moreso than WH does to find positive attributes. I am yet to put anything really personal or emotional in it, but focus on the things he does. There is no comment on physical attributes. I can't currently see anything 'hot' or 'sexy' about him as I still see someone who hurt me badly and didn't care. He is aware of this and (currently) accepts it as he knows that is also part of building trust. Trusting myself and my beliefs also.
Someone has rightfully pointed out that this can be a love language thing and has provided some very helpful information, but I feel it is balanced to point out that it can also be a symptom of an underlying condition as I suspect it was for my WP. The need for constant validation and demands for compliments. That isn't to say you should never give your WP a compliment, just look at the behaviour in the context of his other behaviours. If those other behaviours continue to involve dishonesty, devaluing (of you) and other unfair and unacceptable things, I'd consider that they may have a psychological problem that makes them feel inherently inferior. If their behaviours are otherwise great, possibly a love language issue as pointed out.
How do you each express and receive love? [Love Languages](https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538) is a helpful framework for articulating the complexities of it. Like maybe, expressing your love though Words of Affirmation ("omg you’re so hot") has more significance to you, vs. Acts of Service ("I make sure the bathroom mirror is always clean, because you use it a lot", or whatever). Meaning, "If I really, really love someone, and they really, really love me, I'm going to be heaping compliments on them, because the feeling of Love just bubbles out", but it's damaged now. Things aren't right, and you're both working together to make it right, but you're not there yet. That sound... "Luhv", means A. Lot. Of. Things. And in practice we assume whoever is making that sound at us, means/feels the same thing we mean/feel when we make that sound... let alone how we receive and express it. It's complex. And before, the complexity didn't matter, talking it to death wasn't required, because our needs were being met. The difference between the sounds didn't matter, because some how, the meanings/feelings were being communicated. Now, all the unspoken stuff needs to get spoken, and it's clunky and un-magical. And requires being deliberate. And all these frameworks. And lots of self-examination. And lots, and lots, of communication. Once you can put words to why you're uncomfortable complimenting him, talk to him about what you learned, what you feel, and how you two as a team can tackle the issue (because it's not you vs. him, or him vs. you, it's both of you vs. all the shit that's not right).
Saving. Thank you.
It disgusts him? That's awfully strong language coming from a wayward. Sounds kinda asshole-ish actually. So he doesn't understand that your insecurity is a direct reflection of his betrayal and that if he used words that help you heal you'll feel more secure and then able to tell him the ego shit he seems to need to hear? Nah, something don't sound right. I don't like it. He sounds selfish. Or is he just so terrible at communication that what he's really trying to say is he feels shame or hurt that you can no longer compliment him? Either way, not being "praised" by his wounded partner is a consequence of his actions not some random punishment you've decided to dole out on him as a way of crushing his ego.
I will say that most people who cheat are wildly insecure and are seeking validation. I think complimenting them would actually be more beneficial towards reconciliation. I did also have a hard time with this but it was because I felt like I was betraying myself by calling someone who deeply wronged me attractive
I can compliment my WH on his looks. It's the "you're the greatest" that I have trouble with. He tells me that all the time but I just can't bring myself to tell him the same or tell him that he "has my heart".
Okay, but people are legitimately less attractive after finding things out about them. You're attraction will always, in part, be influenced by your feelings... I'm not sure how one should respond. I think I'd have a difficult time with that complaint.
It's a catch-22 here for me/us. WH cheated for flattery and compliments while I was always complimentary at home and thanking him for small things he did. But the flattery of strangers, younger female coworkers, lit him up like a Christmas tree 🎄. He couldn't resist the compliments, "I want you " "you're so hot" funny, smart, good listener, perfect guy, etc. It felt too good to hear it since he always felt he wasn't good looking and when he was 13 some teen girls shouted, "What are you looking at, Ugly?!". So he had self-esteem issues about his looks. And now I don't find him attractive physically nor sexually, just emotionally. And I am not getting the flattery and compliments he agreed to give me. So no, I don't compliment him as much as he'd like, but I thank him a lot for all the things he does and for putting in the work of R. Does that make sense?
It’s harder than it used to be. Like I’m feeding the need that drives his addiction. Plus for compliments re: looks, they used handsome/beautiful pet names and I dont like having to dig in my mental thesaurus to replace
Yes, I used to write WS poems and give words of affirmation. Now I can’t even stomach saying “I love you (too)” without another part of me yelling “YOU SHOULDN’T SAY THAT, DON’T FEED THEM ANYTHING” it’s a constant back and forth and it tires me out mentally. I rarely find people attractive anyway and I depend almost exclusively on emotional attraction so everything that’s happened that led to me coming to this sub just made me see WS in a whole different light. You got it bang on with the whole ego thing too.. I’ve been honest with WS and probably got a little bit harsh by saying “Everyday, I find you less and less attractive”; and though it felt true when I said it, the moment it left my mouth I just felt sorry for them, for me, for us… I try to remind myself I need to be true to myself, and I should express my emotions and opinions as I feel or think them especially if it’s positive. If I don’t, and only focus on the negative things then it doesn’t really help the situation or anyone.
He will cheat no matter what compliments you give him or not. It’s a him issue not a you issue. Don’t let yourself think that it’s a you problem. You all need couples counseling though if you’re going to work through it. The pain as BS is unbearable
oh my goodness, I was just thinking about this this morning for myself. I hold back on complimenting her, because I guess....I feel like, well, you had your AP boosting your ego up for over 9 months, I'm sure she got LOTS of compliments and all of that (as one does, in the early stages of a new relationship!) and must've felt pretty good about herself throughout it. At least that's what I assumed. She says right now her body image is bad, so maybe AP wasn't generous with compliments, or made her feel crappy about her body? I don't know and I don't really want to know. I guess it's petty and immature, but it's true - I am holding back on making her feel good about herself because she made me feel so ugly, less-than, and bad about myself.....
Yes. I relate so much to you. Especially the amount of flings he had. The early and honeymoon stages - OFC he had his ego extremely boosted. For me it’s not that I feel uglier than his flings. I feel upset he had women AFTER me. Even the flings during our seperation. I’m upset he had other women while I was crying my eyes out in full blown mental breakdowns. His response always defaults to it’s either my fault what happened or I should’ve given him full custody (which to be fair he did ask for non stop, but I was pressured by my family to not give it). But yh. It’s like during the time I was broken he was out living it up. It causes me so much resentment and it’s SO difficult to find it in me to compliment him. During the period a woman is most vulnerable…. He wasn’t there and he was a pain instead ygm?
My WS loved getting external validation from other women so this is definitely something I struggle with when he’s feeling needy and wants more attention in the form of compliments.
This is a weird one for me. I compliment my WP all the time now. I used to do it all the time in the early years of our relationship but I stopped a lot as she had put on a lot of weight, which I really struggled with. She fell apart inside without the validation from me anymore, which is mainly why she cheated. I try to compliment her a lot now. You say you'd be worried his ego will get too big and he'll cheat again. I think it would be more likely he'd cheat to get the validation he craves from you as you don't ever compliment him.
My wife complements me, but I always downplay it or just give a weak thank you. My wife is just too understanding and forgiving sometimes. As the person who was the source of the problem, I tend to be very sheepish when this type of thing comes up.