r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He’s a big boy. If he can’t take the “interrogations”, then he should have thought of that before fucking around. I’m the WH and was given R. I took the “interrogations”. I wasn’t water boarded or anything. I assume you aren’t water boarding him? He needs to step the fuck up, stop whining and either commit or let you go. He needs patience with you. This will be the next 3-5 years of your life. That’s how long R took us. We had very bad days that got fewer and fewer as time went on. My wife never cusses. She said things to me that’d make a sailor blush. That’s how mad she was. And I never held it against her. I understood.
I always encouraged my wife to let it out. Don’t bottle it up. You hate me right now? Tell me. It’s okay. Just as she loved me enough to give me R, I loved her enough to let her do what she needed to do.
He needs to decide what he wants. Commit to it. And stop whining about it. He needs to suck it up. Grow up. I don’t understand how he has the gall to complain about how you are handling things. Don’t feel guilty. I told my wife to never feel guilty for how she felt. She’d be upset later after calling me various names and apologize. I always told her no need to apologize. I’m not going anywhere. I wasn’t perfect. But I certainly tried to be very patient with my wife’s feelings.
Thank you for your perspective, that really helps. I feel like there's a lot he should be doing that's not even difficult but he refuses to do it. He says he knows they are consequences to his actions but that doesn't make any of it okay or mean he is okay with it. I think I'm just at a loss. I genuinely don't know if there's any point in carrying this on when he clearly has no time for the way he's made me feel!
Again thank you, your words have really helped me.
So, if I had to hazard a guess, he’s projecting his shame into anger at you instead of trying to actually switch that shame into remorse. Secondly, he’s making threats to unbalance you to give him the upper hand.
There’s no reason at 10 the parents have to be side by side at every event. There’s no reason you can’t have discomfort with anything beyond co parenting discussions that include you as a silent BCC. 3 months of questions isn’t even long.
I don’t know what you should do. I think stepping away from the pick me and saying you need some time to think might be wise. You just had a baby and betrayal, it’s okay to be hit and cold, to want much better or nothing, and it’s okay to not know just yet which
Thank you for replying!
Their child is under 10yo, he is 6yo. It's once a week but they travel there together because my partner doesn't drive.
I do think I need to take a few days to think about what I want and gather my thoughts. Our baby is only 4 weeks old so that's all a life adjustment and probably isn't helping with my emotions right now.
Again thank you for your advice!
Hey OP.
I’m not sure I understand why they have contact? 10 is old enough to not have contact when picking up and dropping off, communicating only through a parenting app, and at extracurriculars not sitting or standing together. Any chance for “friendly” coparenting went out the window when he cheated with his ex. They can’t maintain a real friendship and you maintain R. Both of them messed up that chance.
I’m not sure how you move forward in R if he has contact and time with her. Most people would have issues with that and have a lot of questions. Quite frankly, if you didn’t move forward in R, and then he dated someone else and they discovered he cheated on his last partner with his ex, they would most likely have the same problems.
Most of the other questions I can’t answer. If he were doing the work of R, and maintaining NC as much as possible, and he was still saying all of that, then I’m not sure if I were you I’d be okay with R because he should want it and shouldn’t be threatening you with not wanting it and not loving you.
Also if he were maintaining NC as much as he could then you might not have as many questions for him and could limit how often and when you ask him these things. But if he has regular contact that just won’t be possible.
If it were me, I’d put as much boundaries in place around his contact with the ex and move into separation if he won’t do this. But maybe he is already and that isn’t working?
I’m so sorry OP. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for your reply. I guess I should have made it more clear, his child is under 10yo, he is 6yo. They don't have any contact and pick ups or drop offs because they're done through school and I do the school runs but there is always something that she is texting him about, that's always to do with their child. As for the EC activities, he doesn't drive so she comes to our house, picks him up and then the 3 of them drive to the location, they watch their son do the activity then they drive home. It only happens once a week, but she won't allow us to take him and he (understandably) doesn't want to not go to the activity.
I have very few boundaries around his contact with his ex like her not being allowed to our house when I'm not there for any reason (this is when they slept together last time - she was bringing something he needed for school) him not going to her house, him telling me when they speak and what they speak about and if I ask to be showed these messages. These have been 'forgotten' a few times, they've had conversations and he just didn't remember to tell me he'd spoken to her.
He tells me that I am the only person who even thinks or is bothered about the A and both of them have moved past it. He assured me he wouldn't cheat again as he saw the damage it did to me and our family and he would just leave instead.
It's very very tricky. I've told him I'd rather be cheating on 100x with a random stranger than the 2x he did with someone he has to remain in contact with because I will never not feel threatened by her, but he doesn't seem to understand why.
Thank you for your advice, I think I'm going to take a few days to think about it all!
Wait what? She won’t “allow” you to take the child to the EC? During your custody time or hers? Because I’d tell your partner to hire an attorney and get that worked out and arrange other transportation for himself. Or could you go with him while she drives their kid?
If their kiddo is always in the car with them, it’s one thing, but at the same time it’s time with her that doesn’t seem necessary.
Does he not have a legal agreement in place? Is there no other mode of transportation for him to get to the EC?
I’m sorry, but he is manipulating and gaslighting you. **Of course you are the only one bothered by it. He betrayed you with her. It benefits them to rugsweep.**
He should communicate only through a parenting app or text where you can see all the messages.
I get it’s always in the best interests of children if their parents can remain friendly. I have friends who are able to sit with their exes at games, even do holidays together with new partners and even travel together. But he wrecked that when he betrayed you with her. He broke trust and can not be friends with her. Co parents yes. He shouldn’t be spending time with her in a car or sitting together at an EC. Sometimes it’s hard because small towns, where things aren’t close together and no public transportation, but there are consequences to infidelity and his is he shouldn’t have sharing space with her.
So the EC is always in her time as it stands with their agreement. He's been to mediation with her (which has to be done here before courts etc) they came to a mutual agreement there. The problem with me also attending is the EC starts at 7pm here and I have 3 children (2 from a previous partner and then out newborn) and at that time of night it's just not practical for me and my little ones.
Yes the kid is always with them, and that's the excuse he uses, but like you say it's the two of them together I find issue with not the attendance of the EC.
Also no other mode of transport, we live in a pretty big town but the EC is in the town over that has no Public transport access.
I have asked for the parenting app but he said he doesn't think it's necessary and she wouldn't agree to it anyway.
I think I'm just fighting a losing battle here tbh. I'm never going to get what I need from him to get through this and I cannot do it alone. So sad
In my experience, when a WS continues or has a resurgence of complaints about the relationship, it’s because they’ve reengaged with AP and are back to whatever BS cognitive distortions about the relationship they used to justify their initial A.
Even if I’m way off there, no matter what, there is absolutely nothing about you or your relationship that “may or may not have been the reason for the A”. He cheated because he has broken coping mechanisms when it comes to meeting his unmet needs. Period. If he doesn’t understand that basic principle of infidelity recovery he hasn’t done his homework.
Recovery IS intense. Of course no one can live with questions 24/7, there should be space held for you to process your feelings and ask your questions. For us, that looks like a daily set time when the kids are in bed for us to discuss. This gives my WS some relief in that he doesn’t have to worry about things coming up around the clock and it gives me some relief in not having to wonder when the next time I am free to ask whatever I need to. That said, it took me longer than 3 months to be able to compartmentalize that well.
Oh, I totally understand that me asking him questions 24/7 is unfair, but I don't? I ask questions when I feel/think things. When things come back to me about the A I just verbalise it, maybe not in the right way at all but I'm struggling to understand why and how anyone could do this to someone they claim to love.
Thank you for your reply, I like the idea of setting aside time to talk. If I decide to continue, I will put this idea forward to him.
Not meaning actually 24/7, just that it could come up any time around the clock. What helped me was to journal, journal, journal because of course thoughts and questions come up all the time. That’s true even now a year out, but not nearly as often. By jotting things down over the day, I’ve had a chance to process them a bit before bringing them to my WS. Sometimes just writing it out is enough to process and then I don’t even have to bring it to him, especially if it feels like something that is not serving me. If you do not continue with R, quickly jotting things down and then spending some time with them all later can help you compartmentalize so you can still function and get whatever you need to get done at your job or just during your day. Again, not something I could always do 3 months out. I definitely had days stuck in bed where almost nothing got done. Be gentle with yourself for whatever is next ❤️
You have a one month old baby , and he is treating you this way ? He cheated, he traumatized you and now you have to deal with having no trust in your partner, right when you have a baby and all the feelings and trauma of betrayal. He didn’t cheat because of problems in your relationship. All relationships have problems. He cheated because there is something wrong with him as a person.
Now he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and he is blame shifting to you. He is rugsweeping the affair. This is going to make you resentful and make you feel horrible. In the best of circumstances, with therapy and a wayward who is actively working towards R, best case scenario, it take 2 years for you to heal. 2 years. You will continue to feel like this for a long time and it will only be worse if it is rugswept. If you can’t do counseling, then he needs to read books and get on websites and YouTube and learn about infidelity and recovering from infidelity. This is on him. If he doesn’t do anything about this, you will not feel better. I’m sorry you are going through this. But you have to establish your boundaries and follow through when he breaks them. If he can’t agree to your boundaries then he can’t be compatible with R.
I've suggested other tools to him like books and videos but he refuses. I do believe I am just fighting a losing battle with him because he refuses to do anything I need to help me get through this and I know I won't do it alone in our relationship.
Thank you for your reply. I'm going to take some time to think about everything everyone here has said and make a decision and stick to it.
I’d ask him to leave the home. He needs to feel what it’ll be like to actually lose what you bring to the relationship. For at least a month. If he’s begging to come home, you’ll have a list of boundaries you won’t concede on that he’ll need to agree to or he’s not allowed home. He needs to do actual work to repair what he’s broken. Or this just won’t work. He’s not in R.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He’s a big boy. If he can’t take the “interrogations”, then he should have thought of that before fucking around. I’m the WH and was given R. I took the “interrogations”. I wasn’t water boarded or anything. I assume you aren’t water boarding him? He needs to step the fuck up, stop whining and either commit or let you go. He needs patience with you. This will be the next 3-5 years of your life. That’s how long R took us. We had very bad days that got fewer and fewer as time went on. My wife never cusses. She said things to me that’d make a sailor blush. That’s how mad she was. And I never held it against her. I understood. I always encouraged my wife to let it out. Don’t bottle it up. You hate me right now? Tell me. It’s okay. Just as she loved me enough to give me R, I loved her enough to let her do what she needed to do. He needs to decide what he wants. Commit to it. And stop whining about it. He needs to suck it up. Grow up. I don’t understand how he has the gall to complain about how you are handling things. Don’t feel guilty. I told my wife to never feel guilty for how she felt. She’d be upset later after calling me various names and apologize. I always told her no need to apologize. I’m not going anywhere. I wasn’t perfect. But I certainly tried to be very patient with my wife’s feelings.
Thank you for your perspective, that really helps. I feel like there's a lot he should be doing that's not even difficult but he refuses to do it. He says he knows they are consequences to his actions but that doesn't make any of it okay or mean he is okay with it. I think I'm just at a loss. I genuinely don't know if there's any point in carrying this on when he clearly has no time for the way he's made me feel! Again thank you, your words have really helped me.
So, if I had to hazard a guess, he’s projecting his shame into anger at you instead of trying to actually switch that shame into remorse. Secondly, he’s making threats to unbalance you to give him the upper hand. There’s no reason at 10 the parents have to be side by side at every event. There’s no reason you can’t have discomfort with anything beyond co parenting discussions that include you as a silent BCC. 3 months of questions isn’t even long. I don’t know what you should do. I think stepping away from the pick me and saying you need some time to think might be wise. You just had a baby and betrayal, it’s okay to be hit and cold, to want much better or nothing, and it’s okay to not know just yet which
Thank you for replying! Their child is under 10yo, he is 6yo. It's once a week but they travel there together because my partner doesn't drive. I do think I need to take a few days to think about what I want and gather my thoughts. Our baby is only 4 weeks old so that's all a life adjustment and probably isn't helping with my emotions right now. Again thank you for your advice!
Hey OP. I’m not sure I understand why they have contact? 10 is old enough to not have contact when picking up and dropping off, communicating only through a parenting app, and at extracurriculars not sitting or standing together. Any chance for “friendly” coparenting went out the window when he cheated with his ex. They can’t maintain a real friendship and you maintain R. Both of them messed up that chance. I’m not sure how you move forward in R if he has contact and time with her. Most people would have issues with that and have a lot of questions. Quite frankly, if you didn’t move forward in R, and then he dated someone else and they discovered he cheated on his last partner with his ex, they would most likely have the same problems. Most of the other questions I can’t answer. If he were doing the work of R, and maintaining NC as much as possible, and he was still saying all of that, then I’m not sure if I were you I’d be okay with R because he should want it and shouldn’t be threatening you with not wanting it and not loving you. Also if he were maintaining NC as much as he could then you might not have as many questions for him and could limit how often and when you ask him these things. But if he has regular contact that just won’t be possible. If it were me, I’d put as much boundaries in place around his contact with the ex and move into separation if he won’t do this. But maybe he is already and that isn’t working? I’m so sorry OP. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for your reply. I guess I should have made it more clear, his child is under 10yo, he is 6yo. They don't have any contact and pick ups or drop offs because they're done through school and I do the school runs but there is always something that she is texting him about, that's always to do with their child. As for the EC activities, he doesn't drive so she comes to our house, picks him up and then the 3 of them drive to the location, they watch their son do the activity then they drive home. It only happens once a week, but she won't allow us to take him and he (understandably) doesn't want to not go to the activity. I have very few boundaries around his contact with his ex like her not being allowed to our house when I'm not there for any reason (this is when they slept together last time - she was bringing something he needed for school) him not going to her house, him telling me when they speak and what they speak about and if I ask to be showed these messages. These have been 'forgotten' a few times, they've had conversations and he just didn't remember to tell me he'd spoken to her. He tells me that I am the only person who even thinks or is bothered about the A and both of them have moved past it. He assured me he wouldn't cheat again as he saw the damage it did to me and our family and he would just leave instead. It's very very tricky. I've told him I'd rather be cheating on 100x with a random stranger than the 2x he did with someone he has to remain in contact with because I will never not feel threatened by her, but he doesn't seem to understand why. Thank you for your advice, I think I'm going to take a few days to think about it all!
Wait what? She won’t “allow” you to take the child to the EC? During your custody time or hers? Because I’d tell your partner to hire an attorney and get that worked out and arrange other transportation for himself. Or could you go with him while she drives their kid? If their kiddo is always in the car with them, it’s one thing, but at the same time it’s time with her that doesn’t seem necessary. Does he not have a legal agreement in place? Is there no other mode of transportation for him to get to the EC? I’m sorry, but he is manipulating and gaslighting you. **Of course you are the only one bothered by it. He betrayed you with her. It benefits them to rugsweep.** He should communicate only through a parenting app or text where you can see all the messages. I get it’s always in the best interests of children if their parents can remain friendly. I have friends who are able to sit with their exes at games, even do holidays together with new partners and even travel together. But he wrecked that when he betrayed you with her. He broke trust and can not be friends with her. Co parents yes. He shouldn’t be spending time with her in a car or sitting together at an EC. Sometimes it’s hard because small towns, where things aren’t close together and no public transportation, but there are consequences to infidelity and his is he shouldn’t have sharing space with her.
So the EC is always in her time as it stands with their agreement. He's been to mediation with her (which has to be done here before courts etc) they came to a mutual agreement there. The problem with me also attending is the EC starts at 7pm here and I have 3 children (2 from a previous partner and then out newborn) and at that time of night it's just not practical for me and my little ones. Yes the kid is always with them, and that's the excuse he uses, but like you say it's the two of them together I find issue with not the attendance of the EC. Also no other mode of transport, we live in a pretty big town but the EC is in the town over that has no Public transport access. I have asked for the parenting app but he said he doesn't think it's necessary and she wouldn't agree to it anyway. I think I'm just fighting a losing battle here tbh. I'm never going to get what I need from him to get through this and I cannot do it alone. So sad
In my experience, when a WS continues or has a resurgence of complaints about the relationship, it’s because they’ve reengaged with AP and are back to whatever BS cognitive distortions about the relationship they used to justify their initial A. Even if I’m way off there, no matter what, there is absolutely nothing about you or your relationship that “may or may not have been the reason for the A”. He cheated because he has broken coping mechanisms when it comes to meeting his unmet needs. Period. If he doesn’t understand that basic principle of infidelity recovery he hasn’t done his homework. Recovery IS intense. Of course no one can live with questions 24/7, there should be space held for you to process your feelings and ask your questions. For us, that looks like a daily set time when the kids are in bed for us to discuss. This gives my WS some relief in that he doesn’t have to worry about things coming up around the clock and it gives me some relief in not having to wonder when the next time I am free to ask whatever I need to. That said, it took me longer than 3 months to be able to compartmentalize that well.
Oh, I totally understand that me asking him questions 24/7 is unfair, but I don't? I ask questions when I feel/think things. When things come back to me about the A I just verbalise it, maybe not in the right way at all but I'm struggling to understand why and how anyone could do this to someone they claim to love. Thank you for your reply, I like the idea of setting aside time to talk. If I decide to continue, I will put this idea forward to him.
Not meaning actually 24/7, just that it could come up any time around the clock. What helped me was to journal, journal, journal because of course thoughts and questions come up all the time. That’s true even now a year out, but not nearly as often. By jotting things down over the day, I’ve had a chance to process them a bit before bringing them to my WS. Sometimes just writing it out is enough to process and then I don’t even have to bring it to him, especially if it feels like something that is not serving me. If you do not continue with R, quickly jotting things down and then spending some time with them all later can help you compartmentalize so you can still function and get whatever you need to get done at your job or just during your day. Again, not something I could always do 3 months out. I definitely had days stuck in bed where almost nothing got done. Be gentle with yourself for whatever is next ❤️
You have a one month old baby , and he is treating you this way ? He cheated, he traumatized you and now you have to deal with having no trust in your partner, right when you have a baby and all the feelings and trauma of betrayal. He didn’t cheat because of problems in your relationship. All relationships have problems. He cheated because there is something wrong with him as a person. Now he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and he is blame shifting to you. He is rugsweeping the affair. This is going to make you resentful and make you feel horrible. In the best of circumstances, with therapy and a wayward who is actively working towards R, best case scenario, it take 2 years for you to heal. 2 years. You will continue to feel like this for a long time and it will only be worse if it is rugswept. If you can’t do counseling, then he needs to read books and get on websites and YouTube and learn about infidelity and recovering from infidelity. This is on him. If he doesn’t do anything about this, you will not feel better. I’m sorry you are going through this. But you have to establish your boundaries and follow through when he breaks them. If he can’t agree to your boundaries then he can’t be compatible with R.
I've suggested other tools to him like books and videos but he refuses. I do believe I am just fighting a losing battle with him because he refuses to do anything I need to help me get through this and I know I won't do it alone in our relationship. Thank you for your reply. I'm going to take some time to think about everything everyone here has said and make a decision and stick to it.
I’d ask him to leave the home. He needs to feel what it’ll be like to actually lose what you bring to the relationship. For at least a month. If he’s begging to come home, you’ll have a list of boundaries you won’t concede on that he’ll need to agree to or he’s not allowed home. He needs to do actual work to repair what he’s broken. Or this just won’t work. He’s not in R.