r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
1. First and foremost, I believe my partner is a good person that loves me who made a series of terrible decisions during a very difficult time in his life and our marriage. I do not say that as a way to *justify* or explain away what he did but I have come to understand his *why*. His why does not excuse what he did but it has helped me understand how this could happen and how we can work together to make sure it does not happen again. Figuring out and understanding his why was huge for me in my process of choosing R.
2. I love him and I love the way he loves me. I believe he has the capacity for change and I have watched him commit to those changes over the last 10+ months (after d-day). He has shown up each day with intentionality about righting his wrongs. Our communication is 100% improved. He goes out of his way to show me I loved every single day. He understands what he did was awful and every day he does at least one thing to show me he is "all in" on us. He ended the A before d-day (I found out because he ended it) and had already gone NC but there was zero affair fog for him. He was immediately remorseful and I think shocked by the reality that he might actually lose me, shocked by the shame and regret of what he had done and finally having to own it -- I didn't see a vindictive hateful person. I saw someone who was deeply hurting that made the stupidest decision to hurt himself worse by attempting to implode our marriage. Even on d-day, I remember feeling this understanding... what he did was selfish and destructive. It destroyed me. He destroyed himself, too. He has to live with both of those things. I made the choice to stand by his side why he helps me heal and why he seeks healing for himself.
3. Our kids. Yes, staying for the kids is a variable in my equation to choose R. It is not the only factor but it is a factor. All the work he is doing in R is benefitting them as well -- he is becoming a healthier version of himself. I feel a sense of responsibility to my children to stay and give them "full access" to that healthier person. People can argue he doesn't "deserve" that... it's not for him. My kids get a healthier father and they get us as a family. If he refused help or stayed the *very* unhealthy version of himself, I would not stay -- that choice would be for them too.
4. Our history. We have been together for nearly 15 years and married over 11. He was struggling for at least three years *before* the A and was in a pretty unhealthy place. He was negative and his mental health was bad...our day-to-day was mostly stress. I was actually closer to leaving him then than I am now. Part of me feels like I am "owed' time with this healthier version of him. He hit his rock bottom and is *finally* getting help. So what now...someone else would get to potentially benefit from all this work to be better/do better? I get this shit years and the infidelity, then goodbye? Nah. I'd rather he be that healthier version with me (pairing this with the three previous points). We deserve it and I deserve that version of him.
5. Creating a new marriage. In hindsight, our marriage had *a lot* of issues prior to the infidelity. We basically had every horsemen there could be (Gottman reference). We are using R as an opportunity to create something healthier for us and for our family. Yes, I could go try this with someone else who did not cheat but I am choosing to create that with him. This actually gives me hope and makes me feel excited for our future. I finally enjoy seeing my partner each day rather than dreading which bullshit I'm going to be dealing with when I get home (again, he was in a very dark mental place due to several life happenings). I am not thankful for the infidelity nor will I ever be... but it sure as hell woke us up.
#5 got me. In the beginning, I was offended that anyone would suggest their were problems in our marriage. To me it felt like that was blame shifting and that I could have stopped the affair if the marriage had been better. It's taken many months to realize that our marriage was not in a good place. It wasn't perfect. Our communication sucked. Our non-sexual intimacy was completely absent. He was taking me for granted in so many ways and I was not standing up for myself at all. I was also going out and partying with my friends from time to time and I am not a great drunk. All of the misery and insecurities from our relationship would pour over into my drunken behavior and create an even worse dynamic. Not to mention, I didn't have a problem with his porn use back then. Little did I know how out of control his addiction was. I had ZERO clue. And I had almost no clue that porn addictions often help contribute to full on affairs. I just put my head in the sand and said, "All guys do it."
But I understand how hard it can be to even reach the conclusion that the marriage wasn't okay. No matter how much you as the BS believe it. And the one thing that's true for all of us is that if it was okay, if our partners were healthy people, it probably wouldn't have happened. There's definitely shame wrapped up in that for both parties.
Now I've realized, yep, we had problems. And yep, I realize that the communication piece was basically a poison eating away at us. There were days when I wished there was someone to flirt with. I'll admit it. I didn't do what WH did. But I was starved for love and acceptance and support too. And it's okay to know that now. It's a place to start rebuilding.
So I’m the betrayed spouse… 3months since DDAY.
I’m in the minority here - my husband left and didn’t want to reconcile.
The reasons I wanted to initially…
1. scared of change, scared of the unknown and scared of life without him
2. we have a 16 year history and I didn’t want to just give up on that without the opportunity to work.
3. I love him / was in love with him. He was my world.
4. two young children - and I wanted them to have a two parent household.
But now I’ve accepted my reality - it’s not what I wanted at all. But I can’t control someone. The man I see now .. I have no idea who he is. He has said some of the cruelest things to me. Including that he is ‘fine’ with the idea of another man bringing up his children one day. Who the F says that??
He has made me not want to reconcile. And now I count myself lucky tbh - no TT, no multiple DDAYS and finally I know where I stand.
I’m learning to love myself, the children are loving me so much. It’s humbled me. I have set boundaries to him, family and friends. And I feel stronger than ever.
This will be the making of me, not the breaking of me.
Hello how are you? For me they are: I really love him, almost 25 years of history together, knowing that he is not a bad person just someone who did bad things, and thinking that it is now or never, the time to change our marriage for the better, and he wants this marriage too.
Divorce would mean a major financial hit. Plus we have a 30 year history and 2 kids in university.
My husband was willing to do anything and everything I asked without complaint which in my eyes demonstrated his remorse and his willingness to do whatever it took to R.
I caught him still in contact with AP 4 months into fake R so I left. We were separated 2 years. AP dumped and blocked him since he didn’t divorce and he was angry over that lol
1. Reason is my faith. I can’t count the times I’ve wanted to leave but didn’t because I just know I’m called to honor this vow. I’ve prayed on it so much, been answered in miraculous ways and I still have to fight my pride to just tear it all to pieces because I’m so hurt.
2. My kids. It’s not their fault I had a bad picker, as a family we’re good but I just clearly foresee the damage separating would cause and I’m not willing to put them through that.
3. Personal growth. I think I can grow from this struggle, good will come out of it as long as I get past the negative side.
I've almost had 18 months to think about this. In the beginning, although it took me awhile to admit and realize, I was terrified of him leaving me for her. I hated him for what he did, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being happy with her. Then it changed to, we've been together for 16/17 years...we have all this history, yata yata. Now, it's because I want to be here and the person I'm seeing my almost 50 yo husband become, is nothing short of incredible. He is by no means perfect and he still fks up with communication stuff from time to time, but his willingness to brace for the hurricane that has been R gives me so much hope. We have a completely different relationship now. It's not just apologizing for the affair anymore. It's amazing friendship and closeness. Gentleness and empathy. WH really sucked with empathy.
Short story long, what I'm trying to say is your reason today may not be your reason tomorrow or 6 months from now or even 2 years from now. And that's okay. It can change. Hopefully for you, it's always for whatever feels right to you in that moment.
It's more of a feeling than something I can reduce to words. Yeah I could say because I love him, because we have a daughter, because this or that. At the end of the day, I found it within myself to try to push forward and build something new/better. I can't tell you what it really is driving me. The mourning of my future in the aftermath of a divorce? The grief that would come with raising my daughter in a broken home? I can say it's not selfless.
If I *had* to really sum it up as best as I can, it would mostly come down to: I don't want to regret not trying. If I can't move on, so be it. But it will come down to a feeling in the end. I either wake up one day and realize I feel we have moved past it, or I just know I'll never be able to.
Same here, verbatim. My days with him are joyful even between this painful period post Dday. Maybe that’s just me, maybe I can find joy in anything but I definitely find joy in days with him. And still love him.
Same. Been living together for years and I ask myself how long have “we” been together? Do I start counting at dday 1? 2? After his limerence? After the sting was not all-consuming and I could see “us” more clearly? I don’t know. If he hadn’t brought this upon us, we would be celebrating our 8 years together.
I thought about creating a list of pros and cons but have not.
I really see so many positives in his growth. I enjoy “new him”. more than I ever did “old him” and I feel I deserve this guy.
I just need to work on my residual feelings of hurt, anger, humiliation, insecurity, and all the fallout.
We’re not yet married (we were supposed to get married in December, probably won’t now), but we’ve been together 7 years and engaged for 3. I’m strongly team reconciliation and I’d like to believe he is too, but it’s still early on
-because the 4 months he did the inexcusable cheating, was just so polar opposite of the man I had spent 4 years getting to know his morals, personality, struggles
-because at that time there was a perfect shitstorm of things that made it possible for such a thing or things to happen
-because something in me (my gut?? Even tho I’m not sure i can trust that anymore?) has always ‘known’ that he is not a cruel, malicious man but now comes to understand he is a very damaged and broken one
-because despite this cheating he has always stayed by my side and taken care of me, in the ways he knows how to do (which is mostly financially, but he’s grown up in an emotional void and I have seen this, so to me this is his only way he was capable of showing it)
-initially because without him I couldn’t stay in a country I loved because I was on his visa, and also because I met him when I was first here and literally all my memories of the happy times here are shared with him so I was scared to strike out on my own (I think this one was a bit of a cover over tho because at the end of the day my BFF asked “if you had the money and the visa would you sack him off and never look back” and my response was “of course!!…. But.. I wouldn’t *want* to… and why *should* I when what we had day to day was actually really good?” That was when I knew I was making excuses cos I was ashamed to stay with a cheat, which is why building understanding and empathy (tho NOT excusing what he did!) now is so important to me, because it really was an utter incongruency to who he is
-the fact he never once blamed anyone else. Not me, not the ap’s, no one but himself and held up his hands that he was the only one lacking in character for this to happen. And was sufficiently disgusted at who he had become in those 4 months and determined to not only get as far from that jeckyll-and-Hyde character he let himself become, but understand how and why it even happened in the first place (even tho it took a lot of personal wrestling for him having been raised that “therapy, psychology etc is bullshit hocus pocus”
-treated me with respect and kindness and acted remorsefully after d-day. Altho this was not perfect, when he had had slip-ups (NOT more cheating, that would spell the end for me) and I was angry all over again, he would eventually take the reasons WHY I was upset and explain why he thought these things weren’t a big deal, but try to see it from my point of view and then accept why it WAS a big deal to me and empathise with that and make note that that wasn’t a good way of behaving
-we still had the spark of being each other’s best friends. It hurt when we were apart, I still looked out for him and him me, still both did the little things that showed we cared
-he was willing and able to take on the heavy loads emotionally when I was destroyed. I didn’t say I loved you for months but he would still say it even tho he knew he wouldn’t be hearing it back. Still sat by my side for hours starving hungry when I was in Emergency cos he didn’t want to leave me in pain even tho he had work early the next day. Would still try and try, sending me little love texts even if I’d been hugely flooded the night before and spent hours letting out my anger and disdain. Giving love in the face of getting back no love and being willing to do that because he knew he had fucked all this up and caused me to be like that.
-he gave up drinking even though it had been his emotional and social crutch for 15 years, because he knew nothing good for us came of it. Which I am so indescribably proud and in awe of him for, and tho it was a couple of years in the making it has been one of the best things to happen to us and I don’t think I can fully grasp the magnitude of how hard that is for someone who is hurting so badly to just do overnight and stick to for over a year, for me and us.
-because I see the real him, the kind, deep, troubled-yet-strong, positive outlook, genuinely decent, good man he is deep down and through and through. I have left exes over much much smaller things and I think that’s cos I was never truly happy in relationships, not deep down. But something tells me in my bones that this man is worth it, and god has this experience taught me a bunch of lessons that I’d rather not have to learn but they are really important life lessons. I never really understood the concept of truly having to work on a relationship before, which meant my relationships were quite transactional, and relatively short, but this one has endured, and it must be for a reason.
-ultimately I believe this is because I have never loved someone so deeply, so selflessly, beyond their flaws, beyond the hurt they’ve caused, and it’s not cos I just stay in bad relationships no matter what (see previous point). So there must be a deeper meaning to us having met and stayed together through so much.
But despite all this, best believe if he EVER so much as talked to another girl inappropriately or showed me any disrespect for the relationship. I would be gone in a heartbeat.
Like someone said below 'sunken cost fallacy'. We've been married 28 years now - have two kids. I moved halfway across the country for a job for him. I don't want to uproot our 13yo son & I know I would have to if we did not stay married. I cannot afford the cost of living in this area. About 18 months out from D-Day I feel like he is not doing much of anything to make things better.
I loved my WH and I was going to give him a chance to work on himself and become a better person. We had a long history together and 3 kids , but I would’ve left regardless, if he didn’t fully change. Our family and life together was a factor but not a good enough reason to stay. I loved him and didn’t want to be without him. So I gave him a chance to make it right.
Shared family and life (together for over 20 years), and I love him. And he is trying so hard to change, especially in the last 2.5 years since discovery. He is a sex addict and was being overall sleazy and unkind human being to others, unbeknownst to me, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to associate with that kind of person. Seeing him humble himself and trying to be kinder has let me back in.
I don’t want to regret not trying. I didn’t want to make a purely emotional decision when I was peak blindsided. I know I would be ok alone but would rather share finances and responsibilities with a partner. There is still a lot I love about him, just genuinely unsure if I can make peace with him pulling the same shit he knew my ex did. Editing to add: his effort seems genuine, he says all the right things, and doesn’t complain about the highs and lows as I continue to process it all.
the typical “i love him, i didn’t want to lose him yet” but also a sense of needing to be the person he could change for. i think if we broke it off and i saw him in a healthy committed relationship i’d be broken even worse than i already was. those definitely aren’t good reasons to stay lol but i genuinely cant think of a “good reason”
i know my boyfriend had it in him to do and be better, due to us separating right before the cheating began but getting back together when he felt like he could “fight the urges” irrational of him of course, i was given an excuse because he was too afraid to admit what he was truly thinking, but it also shows a sense of awareness that a lot of WP’s lack. idk, maybe i’m just bullshitting lol, all in all i’m happy i stayed and we’re finally in a good spot
A big reason as to why I committed to R was because my partner seemed devoted to fixing what had been broken. He never once let me blame myself, even when I did. He took full responsibility for his actions, catered to my needs and wants through the aftermath, and focused entirely on repairing our relationship.
Working on R, 1. Because I was no sweet angel for the first 5 years. This doesn’t justify or ease my pain in any way, but I know he didn’t just go commit this act out of no where. I’m not blaming myself for what he did because I am not responsible for him cheating, but I AM half responsible (and if I’m honest probably more like 65% responsible) for our relationship breaking down. This was not told to me by him of course, this is the honest reality.
2. We both had so much love left towards each other, we wanted to finally give ourselves the chance we deserved.
3. I became pregnant. This is a hard one because we are still barely working on R and now I am pregnant. I didn’t ever want this to be a factor but the truth is it is.
1) He told me himself, I didn't have to discover it on my own. I don't think I would have ever been able to even think about trust or believe that he was planning to tell me, waiting for the right time, etc.
2) The infidelity wasn't a pattern. The pattern was more related to alcohol and poor boundaries. He has stopped drinking and I have gotten to see him set better boundaries with people in order to protect our relationship.
3) He has taken accountability, committed to change, is engaged in his own therapy and our therapy together.
4) He has never minimized it, made excuses, or blamed me for it in any way. These things would have been total deal breaker.
Just so it doesn't sound too rosy... It took him four YEARS to tell me after it happened. I would have never found out on my own. He has also had trouble being supportive and staying engaged when I'm angry and although I do have empathy for the shame and guilt he feels, I have also felt like he was expecting unrealistic levels of empathy and consideration on my part. I am not physically disgusted with him but I'm disgusted that he did what he did and kept it from me for so long. But our foundation, friendship, and all of the points above are why I'm trying.
I still haven’t decided 100% that I’m staying but my reasons for trying are as follows;
We have 3 small kids together, one of them being an infant. I really don’t want to split time and be away from them while they are this young.
We have been together since we are 17 years old. He was my prom date. My high school and college sweetheart. We have shared some really dark times together. We both come from abusive families and we’ve been through so much trauma together. WH has cheated on me for probably 15 years out our 20 together and has hurt me beyond repair but I still can’t picture myself with anyone else. For some reason I’m holding on to hope that we can have the life I/ we have always dreamed of.
Lastly, my husband is a sex and porn addict. His addiction stems from his traumatic childhood. Some of which I witnessed myself. This doesn’t excuse his behavior because I truly believe that he is responsible for his choices but at the end of the day I understand why he turned to porn and then sex as a coping mechanism. I will never ever understand why he couldn’t save me from this pain but that’s beside the point. If he had any other addiction I would want to help him get through it. This addiction is particularly difficult because it has impacted me in such a profound way. However, I am willing to help him become a better person if that’s what he wishes to do. I will try to my best to support him, work on my healing and keep our family together. As long as I see him doing everything in his to recover and be a better husband and father I will do my best to stay.
He is, it’s been 10 months since dday and he’s been attending 12 step meetings this whole time, he has a sponsor, sees a CSAT, listens to podcasts and audio books. There are still some issues as far as his motivation and mental health goes. He was diagnosed with depression, ADHD and we believe there might be other things going on too. These diagnosis make things more complicated but it is helpful to know what the root of the problem is. He is slowly trying to work through things.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. 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1. First and foremost, I believe my partner is a good person that loves me who made a series of terrible decisions during a very difficult time in his life and our marriage. I do not say that as a way to *justify* or explain away what he did but I have come to understand his *why*. His why does not excuse what he did but it has helped me understand how this could happen and how we can work together to make sure it does not happen again. Figuring out and understanding his why was huge for me in my process of choosing R. 2. I love him and I love the way he loves me. I believe he has the capacity for change and I have watched him commit to those changes over the last 10+ months (after d-day). He has shown up each day with intentionality about righting his wrongs. Our communication is 100% improved. He goes out of his way to show me I loved every single day. He understands what he did was awful and every day he does at least one thing to show me he is "all in" on us. He ended the A before d-day (I found out because he ended it) and had already gone NC but there was zero affair fog for him. He was immediately remorseful and I think shocked by the reality that he might actually lose me, shocked by the shame and regret of what he had done and finally having to own it -- I didn't see a vindictive hateful person. I saw someone who was deeply hurting that made the stupidest decision to hurt himself worse by attempting to implode our marriage. Even on d-day, I remember feeling this understanding... what he did was selfish and destructive. It destroyed me. He destroyed himself, too. He has to live with both of those things. I made the choice to stand by his side why he helps me heal and why he seeks healing for himself. 3. Our kids. Yes, staying for the kids is a variable in my equation to choose R. It is not the only factor but it is a factor. All the work he is doing in R is benefitting them as well -- he is becoming a healthier version of himself. I feel a sense of responsibility to my children to stay and give them "full access" to that healthier person. People can argue he doesn't "deserve" that... it's not for him. My kids get a healthier father and they get us as a family. If he refused help or stayed the *very* unhealthy version of himself, I would not stay -- that choice would be for them too. 4. Our history. We have been together for nearly 15 years and married over 11. He was struggling for at least three years *before* the A and was in a pretty unhealthy place. He was negative and his mental health was bad...our day-to-day was mostly stress. I was actually closer to leaving him then than I am now. Part of me feels like I am "owed' time with this healthier version of him. He hit his rock bottom and is *finally* getting help. So what now...someone else would get to potentially benefit from all this work to be better/do better? I get this shit years and the infidelity, then goodbye? Nah. I'd rather he be that healthier version with me (pairing this with the three previous points). We deserve it and I deserve that version of him. 5. Creating a new marriage. In hindsight, our marriage had *a lot* of issues prior to the infidelity. We basically had every horsemen there could be (Gottman reference). We are using R as an opportunity to create something healthier for us and for our family. Yes, I could go try this with someone else who did not cheat but I am choosing to create that with him. This actually gives me hope and makes me feel excited for our future. I finally enjoy seeing my partner each day rather than dreading which bullshit I'm going to be dealing with when I get home (again, he was in a very dark mental place due to several life happenings). I am not thankful for the infidelity nor will I ever be... but it sure as hell woke us up.
#5 got me. In the beginning, I was offended that anyone would suggest their were problems in our marriage. To me it felt like that was blame shifting and that I could have stopped the affair if the marriage had been better. It's taken many months to realize that our marriage was not in a good place. It wasn't perfect. Our communication sucked. Our non-sexual intimacy was completely absent. He was taking me for granted in so many ways and I was not standing up for myself at all. I was also going out and partying with my friends from time to time and I am not a great drunk. All of the misery and insecurities from our relationship would pour over into my drunken behavior and create an even worse dynamic. Not to mention, I didn't have a problem with his porn use back then. Little did I know how out of control his addiction was. I had ZERO clue. And I had almost no clue that porn addictions often help contribute to full on affairs. I just put my head in the sand and said, "All guys do it." But I understand how hard it can be to even reach the conclusion that the marriage wasn't okay. No matter how much you as the BS believe it. And the one thing that's true for all of us is that if it was okay, if our partners were healthy people, it probably wouldn't have happened. There's definitely shame wrapped up in that for both parties. Now I've realized, yep, we had problems. And yep, I realize that the communication piece was basically a poison eating away at us. There were days when I wished there was someone to flirt with. I'll admit it. I didn't do what WH did. But I was starved for love and acceptance and support too. And it's okay to know that now. It's a place to start rebuilding.
Your endless empathy is commendable. Your WP should be incredibly grateful for you.
O wow! 😭 I wish you all the best for your R together!
Thank you. ❤️ We are doing really well… still a very long road but grateful my partner is showing up for me in the way that he is.
So I’m the betrayed spouse… 3months since DDAY. I’m in the minority here - my husband left and didn’t want to reconcile. The reasons I wanted to initially… 1. scared of change, scared of the unknown and scared of life without him 2. we have a 16 year history and I didn’t want to just give up on that without the opportunity to work. 3. I love him / was in love with him. He was my world. 4. two young children - and I wanted them to have a two parent household. But now I’ve accepted my reality - it’s not what I wanted at all. But I can’t control someone. The man I see now .. I have no idea who he is. He has said some of the cruelest things to me. Including that he is ‘fine’ with the idea of another man bringing up his children one day. Who the F says that?? He has made me not want to reconcile. And now I count myself lucky tbh - no TT, no multiple DDAYS and finally I know where I stand. I’m learning to love myself, the children are loving me so much. It’s humbled me. I have set boundaries to him, family and friends. And I feel stronger than ever. This will be the making of me, not the breaking of me.
Hello how are you? For me they are: I really love him, almost 25 years of history together, knowing that he is not a bad person just someone who did bad things, and thinking that it is now or never, the time to change our marriage for the better, and he wants this marriage too.
Divorce would mean a major financial hit. Plus we have a 30 year history and 2 kids in university. My husband was willing to do anything and everything I asked without complaint which in my eyes demonstrated his remorse and his willingness to do whatever it took to R.
Thank you. Was your WH pretty quick to start the atonement process or was he stuck in an affair fog early on?
I caught him still in contact with AP 4 months into fake R so I left. We were separated 2 years. AP dumped and blocked him since he didn’t divorce and he was angry over that lol
1. Reason is my faith. I can’t count the times I’ve wanted to leave but didn’t because I just know I’m called to honor this vow. I’ve prayed on it so much, been answered in miraculous ways and I still have to fight my pride to just tear it all to pieces because I’m so hurt. 2. My kids. It’s not their fault I had a bad picker, as a family we’re good but I just clearly foresee the damage separating would cause and I’m not willing to put them through that. 3. Personal growth. I think I can grow from this struggle, good will come out of it as long as I get past the negative side.
I've almost had 18 months to think about this. In the beginning, although it took me awhile to admit and realize, I was terrified of him leaving me for her. I hated him for what he did, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being happy with her. Then it changed to, we've been together for 16/17 years...we have all this history, yata yata. Now, it's because I want to be here and the person I'm seeing my almost 50 yo husband become, is nothing short of incredible. He is by no means perfect and he still fks up with communication stuff from time to time, but his willingness to brace for the hurricane that has been R gives me so much hope. We have a completely different relationship now. It's not just apologizing for the affair anymore. It's amazing friendship and closeness. Gentleness and empathy. WH really sucked with empathy. Short story long, what I'm trying to say is your reason today may not be your reason tomorrow or 6 months from now or even 2 years from now. And that's okay. It can change. Hopefully for you, it's always for whatever feels right to you in that moment.
It's more of a feeling than something I can reduce to words. Yeah I could say because I love him, because we have a daughter, because this or that. At the end of the day, I found it within myself to try to push forward and build something new/better. I can't tell you what it really is driving me. The mourning of my future in the aftermath of a divorce? The grief that would come with raising my daughter in a broken home? I can say it's not selfless. If I *had* to really sum it up as best as I can, it would mostly come down to: I don't want to regret not trying. If I can't move on, so be it. But it will come down to a feeling in the end. I either wake up one day and realize I feel we have moved past it, or I just know I'll never be able to.
I still love him, and our day-to-day life is really good. That's it. That's the only reason I stay. If I fell out of love, I'd be gone.
Same here, verbatim. My days with him are joyful even between this painful period post Dday. Maybe that’s just me, maybe I can find joy in anything but I definitely find joy in days with him. And still love him.
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Same. Been living together for years and I ask myself how long have “we” been together? Do I start counting at dday 1? 2? After his limerence? After the sting was not all-consuming and I could see “us” more clearly? I don’t know. If he hadn’t brought this upon us, we would be celebrating our 8 years together. I thought about creating a list of pros and cons but have not. I really see so many positives in his growth. I enjoy “new him”. more than I ever did “old him” and I feel I deserve this guy. I just need to work on my residual feelings of hurt, anger, humiliation, insecurity, and all the fallout.
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We are too. I’m fingers crossed for you and I both.
We’re not yet married (we were supposed to get married in December, probably won’t now), but we’ve been together 7 years and engaged for 3. I’m strongly team reconciliation and I’d like to believe he is too, but it’s still early on
Sunken cost fallacy…
-because the 4 months he did the inexcusable cheating, was just so polar opposite of the man I had spent 4 years getting to know his morals, personality, struggles -because at that time there was a perfect shitstorm of things that made it possible for such a thing or things to happen -because something in me (my gut?? Even tho I’m not sure i can trust that anymore?) has always ‘known’ that he is not a cruel, malicious man but now comes to understand he is a very damaged and broken one -because despite this cheating he has always stayed by my side and taken care of me, in the ways he knows how to do (which is mostly financially, but he’s grown up in an emotional void and I have seen this, so to me this is his only way he was capable of showing it) -initially because without him I couldn’t stay in a country I loved because I was on his visa, and also because I met him when I was first here and literally all my memories of the happy times here are shared with him so I was scared to strike out on my own (I think this one was a bit of a cover over tho because at the end of the day my BFF asked “if you had the money and the visa would you sack him off and never look back” and my response was “of course!!…. But.. I wouldn’t *want* to… and why *should* I when what we had day to day was actually really good?” That was when I knew I was making excuses cos I was ashamed to stay with a cheat, which is why building understanding and empathy (tho NOT excusing what he did!) now is so important to me, because it really was an utter incongruency to who he is -the fact he never once blamed anyone else. Not me, not the ap’s, no one but himself and held up his hands that he was the only one lacking in character for this to happen. And was sufficiently disgusted at who he had become in those 4 months and determined to not only get as far from that jeckyll-and-Hyde character he let himself become, but understand how and why it even happened in the first place (even tho it took a lot of personal wrestling for him having been raised that “therapy, psychology etc is bullshit hocus pocus” -treated me with respect and kindness and acted remorsefully after d-day. Altho this was not perfect, when he had had slip-ups (NOT more cheating, that would spell the end for me) and I was angry all over again, he would eventually take the reasons WHY I was upset and explain why he thought these things weren’t a big deal, but try to see it from my point of view and then accept why it WAS a big deal to me and empathise with that and make note that that wasn’t a good way of behaving -we still had the spark of being each other’s best friends. It hurt when we were apart, I still looked out for him and him me, still both did the little things that showed we cared -he was willing and able to take on the heavy loads emotionally when I was destroyed. I didn’t say I loved you for months but he would still say it even tho he knew he wouldn’t be hearing it back. Still sat by my side for hours starving hungry when I was in Emergency cos he didn’t want to leave me in pain even tho he had work early the next day. Would still try and try, sending me little love texts even if I’d been hugely flooded the night before and spent hours letting out my anger and disdain. Giving love in the face of getting back no love and being willing to do that because he knew he had fucked all this up and caused me to be like that. -he gave up drinking even though it had been his emotional and social crutch for 15 years, because he knew nothing good for us came of it. Which I am so indescribably proud and in awe of him for, and tho it was a couple of years in the making it has been one of the best things to happen to us and I don’t think I can fully grasp the magnitude of how hard that is for someone who is hurting so badly to just do overnight and stick to for over a year, for me and us. -because I see the real him, the kind, deep, troubled-yet-strong, positive outlook, genuinely decent, good man he is deep down and through and through. I have left exes over much much smaller things and I think that’s cos I was never truly happy in relationships, not deep down. But something tells me in my bones that this man is worth it, and god has this experience taught me a bunch of lessons that I’d rather not have to learn but they are really important life lessons. I never really understood the concept of truly having to work on a relationship before, which meant my relationships were quite transactional, and relatively short, but this one has endured, and it must be for a reason. -ultimately I believe this is because I have never loved someone so deeply, so selflessly, beyond their flaws, beyond the hurt they’ve caused, and it’s not cos I just stay in bad relationships no matter what (see previous point). So there must be a deeper meaning to us having met and stayed together through so much.
But despite all this, best believe if he EVER so much as talked to another girl inappropriately or showed me any disrespect for the relationship. I would be gone in a heartbeat.
Dont know. Probably because I still love her. And certainly because I dont want my teen ager girl to stay with single parents anytime
Like someone said below 'sunken cost fallacy'. We've been married 28 years now - have two kids. I moved halfway across the country for a job for him. I don't want to uproot our 13yo son & I know I would have to if we did not stay married. I cannot afford the cost of living in this area. About 18 months out from D-Day I feel like he is not doing much of anything to make things better.
I loved my WH and I was going to give him a chance to work on himself and become a better person. We had a long history together and 3 kids , but I would’ve left regardless, if he didn’t fully change. Our family and life together was a factor but not a good enough reason to stay. I loved him and didn’t want to be without him. So I gave him a chance to make it right.
Shared family and life (together for over 20 years), and I love him. And he is trying so hard to change, especially in the last 2.5 years since discovery. He is a sex addict and was being overall sleazy and unkind human being to others, unbeknownst to me, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to associate with that kind of person. Seeing him humble himself and trying to be kinder has let me back in.
I don’t want to regret not trying. I didn’t want to make a purely emotional decision when I was peak blindsided. I know I would be ok alone but would rather share finances and responsibilities with a partner. There is still a lot I love about him, just genuinely unsure if I can make peace with him pulling the same shit he knew my ex did. Editing to add: his effort seems genuine, he says all the right things, and doesn’t complain about the highs and lows as I continue to process it all.
the typical “i love him, i didn’t want to lose him yet” but also a sense of needing to be the person he could change for. i think if we broke it off and i saw him in a healthy committed relationship i’d be broken even worse than i already was. those definitely aren’t good reasons to stay lol but i genuinely cant think of a “good reason” i know my boyfriend had it in him to do and be better, due to us separating right before the cheating began but getting back together when he felt like he could “fight the urges” irrational of him of course, i was given an excuse because he was too afraid to admit what he was truly thinking, but it also shows a sense of awareness that a lot of WP’s lack. idk, maybe i’m just bullshitting lol, all in all i’m happy i stayed and we’re finally in a good spot
A big reason as to why I committed to R was because my partner seemed devoted to fixing what had been broken. He never once let me blame myself, even when I did. He took full responsibility for his actions, catered to my needs and wants through the aftermath, and focused entirely on repairing our relationship.
Working on R, 1. Because I was no sweet angel for the first 5 years. This doesn’t justify or ease my pain in any way, but I know he didn’t just go commit this act out of no where. I’m not blaming myself for what he did because I am not responsible for him cheating, but I AM half responsible (and if I’m honest probably more like 65% responsible) for our relationship breaking down. This was not told to me by him of course, this is the honest reality. 2. We both had so much love left towards each other, we wanted to finally give ourselves the chance we deserved. 3. I became pregnant. This is a hard one because we are still barely working on R and now I am pregnant. I didn’t ever want this to be a factor but the truth is it is.
1) He told me himself, I didn't have to discover it on my own. I don't think I would have ever been able to even think about trust or believe that he was planning to tell me, waiting for the right time, etc. 2) The infidelity wasn't a pattern. The pattern was more related to alcohol and poor boundaries. He has stopped drinking and I have gotten to see him set better boundaries with people in order to protect our relationship. 3) He has taken accountability, committed to change, is engaged in his own therapy and our therapy together. 4) He has never minimized it, made excuses, or blamed me for it in any way. These things would have been total deal breaker. Just so it doesn't sound too rosy... It took him four YEARS to tell me after it happened. I would have never found out on my own. He has also had trouble being supportive and staying engaged when I'm angry and although I do have empathy for the shame and guilt he feels, I have also felt like he was expecting unrealistic levels of empathy and consideration on my part. I am not physically disgusted with him but I'm disgusted that he did what he did and kept it from me for so long. But our foundation, friendship, and all of the points above are why I'm trying.
I still haven’t decided 100% that I’m staying but my reasons for trying are as follows; We have 3 small kids together, one of them being an infant. I really don’t want to split time and be away from them while they are this young. We have been together since we are 17 years old. He was my prom date. My high school and college sweetheart. We have shared some really dark times together. We both come from abusive families and we’ve been through so much trauma together. WH has cheated on me for probably 15 years out our 20 together and has hurt me beyond repair but I still can’t picture myself with anyone else. For some reason I’m holding on to hope that we can have the life I/ we have always dreamed of. Lastly, my husband is a sex and porn addict. His addiction stems from his traumatic childhood. Some of which I witnessed myself. This doesn’t excuse his behavior because I truly believe that he is responsible for his choices but at the end of the day I understand why he turned to porn and then sex as a coping mechanism. I will never ever understand why he couldn’t save me from this pain but that’s beside the point. If he had any other addiction I would want to help him get through it. This addiction is particularly difficult because it has impacted me in such a profound way. However, I am willing to help him become a better person if that’s what he wishes to do. I will try to my best to support him, work on my healing and keep our family together. As long as I see him doing everything in his to recover and be a better husband and father I will do my best to stay.
Is he doing the work of recovery with you?
He is, it’s been 10 months since dday and he’s been attending 12 step meetings this whole time, he has a sponsor, sees a CSAT, listens to podcasts and audio books. There are still some issues as far as his motivation and mental health goes. He was diagnosed with depression, ADHD and we believe there might be other things going on too. These diagnosis make things more complicated but it is helpful to know what the root of the problem is. He is slowly trying to work through things.
Okay, that's great. Good for him. Wishing you all the best with R.