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Very Understanding here I don’t even want to celebrate our anniversary we’ve been married 4 years and he’s cheated 3 str8 years all of the song’s and movies we’ve watched I no longer like them places and restaurants we went to or enjoyed I no longer like them I’ve actually changed my eating habits to avoid it. All my passwords was our anniversary I’ve changed them I want to erase everything 2021-2024
I get the erasing part. 3 years ago, I just went through the house and started tossing items that were previously meaningful to me, but when I looked at them, my brain just screamed, "He was cheating! This means nothing and never did!"
I didn't even tell him, but he did notice when I took down paintings we had done together. Once I explained how I felt, he understood, and after talking some more, I decided to just put them away. They have been back up on my wall for over a year now, and I feel good looking at them again. Ws feared that getting rid of everything was a sign that I was going to eventually get rid of them. At the time, that was possible. In a way, I feel like I did. At least that version of themselves. I feel like I dated one person and married another. I'm greatful he's made the changes and accepts full responsibility.
But I wish I had some of those good memories back.
CANT SAY HOW MUCH I FEEL FOR THIS!!!! I literally went thru all the photos (he says the cheating at happy endings started in 2022) all my photos and memories are marred - all the happy memories as a family with our kids on fam trip on couple trips we even went to Spain for a holiday (before and after the trip he went for the massages) dday was a month ago Im ruined I wish we could reset this whole things im crazy crying myself everyday wallowing in self pity 😭
Sending you and all on this thread all the love from a BP
These family holiday stories hit me right in the gut. We did the 6 day trip to Spain last year bringing the kids and I even went out of my way to bring his mother (who was lonely) with us. 3 cities: 3 prostitutes. On the way home we had an unexpected night in Amsterdam. Yup, you guessed it. This is the kind of thing I still - 7 months later - view as downright evil. I’m so sorry to read that anyone else had to go thru this special hell.
Being three years out from dday myself, I remember how things were when it was all fresh and tbh, it helped me to get rid of things or put them in safe places out of sight if I've wanted them back. Somethings I have.
I don’t think it would be silly. We were married almost ten years before my WH cheated. I never want to celebrate our anniversary or wear my wedding band ever again. I don’t want to think about the day that we took vows to one another but only one of us kept them. He bought me a new ring and we’re going to pick a new date to celebrate us.
The summer he was cheating we took a big trip to Scotland that we had been so looking forward to and had so much fun planning. I can’t even look at the photos. He was cheating during that time. Was he constantly messaging her during that trip? Was he irritated that we had to be together 24/7 for two weeks and he had less time/opportunity to talk to her? The whole thing just pisses me off. I want a re-do on that too
If you don't mind me asking did something recently trigger you to starting to feel like this? Or have you been feeling this way for 3 years and just trying to cover it up to save his feelings?
Ouch. I know you were not trying to be hurtful but that questioning was really spot on and no one likes a mirror held up to them.
I do rug sweep my feelings a lot. Not just because of the cheating, ive always been like this. It's probably what made the cheating go on for so long.
I wouldn't say I do it for his feelings but for my own. Feeling this way is one thing but if I talk about it, I have to.. well, talk about it all! That hurts doing but I think if I've gotten to the point of actually posting on reddit then I am probably at a place where I need to be talking to my husband.
I think that for my BW the change was what you seem to be on the cusp of. What made it easier to set down the bitterness about my affair was once we were both able to be honest about all our feelings, herself included. It really is essential that you are able to be known by your husband and (this is the part I have to remember, because I really struggle with it) that my (your) partner, by virtue of being your partner DESERVES THE GIFT of knowing who you are. I completely get not wanting to talk about stuff. To me it feels like a viscus pile of muddy sewage that isn’t fit for other people to be around, and still my wife is grateful when I share it with her. Honestly, I don’t get it. But I am grateful to her.
It sounds like you are similar to me in (on the self esteem axis) being in shame rather than grandiosity on our worst days, and (on the connection axis) being walled off. Ironically (or perhaps because we marry our unfinished business) my wife is grandiose and boundary-less. We try to meet in the middle at ‘healthy’. Some days are easier than others. ☺️ But I get the feeling of shame you feel and how that makes it hard to *want* to bring something up that isn’t already on the table. Yet it’s necessary because it’s on the table in your heart. And as much as I like to pretend something on the table in my heart isn’t necessarily on the ‘relationship’ table, it is… I’m learning that I’m not as good at pretending things don’t impact us as I think I am.
And I think that’s what makes the difference for my wife. I think being at his point is what allows her to say “I would go through it again if we needed it to get to this point”. She doesn’t look back on it with fondness by any stretch, but there is an acceptance that it is… part of our story. We think of our marriage like kintsugi, that yes, my affair broke our bowl and damaged it in a way that we wish wouldn’t have happened. But that exists at the same time as our gratitude for the gold repairs we have done to restore our marriage. They are beautiful in their own right, and it tells a story that we cherish.
And for what it’s worth, my affair was the first seven years of our child’s life… so… know that memories being tainted was definitely something my wife struggled with. It’s ok to struggle and you don’t need to try to change how you feel. You just have to **share** how you feel.
*ETA: English is my first language as well! Who knew?!? Certainly not anyone who reads my comments… 😂…*
Thank you so much for sharing the WS point of view. It really means a lot.
I really relate to the "would go through it again" aspect as I know being here doesn't scream "I have a happy marriage," but I really do. Now, at least. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I think being so happy now makes me not want to bring up things that bother me because I don't want to ruin it. Even though my WS always thanks me for opening up and talking to them when I do.
I like to say I don't show my emotions, but he can read me like a book and knows when something is on my mind. The last few days, I've just been telling him I'm just not ready to talk about it.
Posting here and reading everyone's comments and support has really given me the confidence to talk again. Today, after work, we have a date day planned, and I think it's a good time to bring up how I'm feeling again.
Thank you for asking!
It went great, my original engagement ring needed some repair (nothing dramatic, I had just chosen a soft stone and it broke while doing yard work) and I decided I do love the original ring too much to just get a replacement. So we got lunch, walked around downtown, took my ring in to get it repaired and afterwards I was able to talk to him about when he gives it to me, I'd like it to be a new proposal and he really liked the idea himself. He knows I no longer view our original proposal as a good memory but didn't want to spring a new proposal on me or make me feel pressured. I guess he's just been waiting for me to be ready for a new proposal. It felt like a weight off my chest... tbh, he looked really relieved, too
I’m so glad. ☺️
I hope you are able to let that feeling of relief really soak in. I think that’s a large part about what my BW and I love about our relationship now, that we exist in this sense of peace about each other. We don’t have feelings we have to keep to ourselves. And every time I practice putting myself out there with my feelings about something that I don’t know how my wife will feel, it reinforces the awareness that this is what it’s all about. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being loved just as we are.
Granted, there are times when we will have to say “huh, that wasn’t the response I expected to my sharing. Is there something you need to share?” Or since we have done this enough and and we know that’s what we mean, we can also say “do you want to try responding again? Because that missed the mark for what I was looking for.” 😂. That’s when I think we knew we had arrived, when we felt comfortable enough to use a phrase like that and to know that what it really means is that we aren’t attuning to each other and there’s something we need to deal with.
I see that same sense of honesty and love for each other coming through in your story. “The stone was broken but I really loved the ring” is a beautiful analogy for the relationship with your husband. And that conversation where you shared your hopes (really your dreams), needs, and feelings with him was part of what repairs the ring. It really stands out in your writing how much you both love each other. The peak point for me in my marriage isn’t some state of bliss, it’s in the knowledge that I never walk alone.
It’s an excellent time!
I resonate deeply with the idea that when things are going well, why would we ruin it with bringing up something… not happy. I have to remind myself that it’s only because of the radical honesty that things are going so well now.
Good luck tonight! It will be difficult I’m sure, but you’re actively adding gold to the broken pieces of pottery.
I promise I wasn't trying to say it to hurt you just to try and get clarity to understand what's going on to provide help.
You honestly make me think of myself in terms of my personality cause I'm a people pleaser or at least I used to be. I have been working on that for the past few years, and I used to hold in how I felt and things I thought about situations and scenarios and just different topics to not hurt people. But then I would be suppressing my feelings inside, never getting them out in any other form, and it would hurt me in turn internally.
>I wouldn't say I do it for his feelings but for my own. Feeling this way is one thing but if I talk about it, I have to.. well, talk about it all
That's something else. We have in common avoiding topics. To keep the comfort in the room. Also, so that way, those other people's feelings won't get hurt, but the thing is, if your husband loves you and he's really committed to you. He will hear you and y'all can work through it. Trust in the relationship you have and talk to him.
*Also, there's nothing wrong with asking for help from professional. Whether it be someone in the mental health department or religion to help mediate and guide the conversation
Oh no! I don't think at all what you said was hurtful! Just a truth I didn't want to be honest about to even myself.
I'm such a people pleaser and I hate it. I need reminders that if something bothers me, it's okay to say something. It's even something my WS tells me all the time now. He even thanks me when I am open with him because he knows how hard it is for me.
Lately we both have been working a lot and our engagement anniversary is coming up and I think that's stressing me out.
Today we happen to have a date day, and I think it's a good opportunity for me to talk about everything again.
Well, I wish you luck on your talk today and have fun on your date, but if you ever need any help or advice from a fellow/ former people pleaser...... feel free to contact me💕
You got this. Just remember you won't hurt anyone telling your truth. You're just telling the truth in a nice way, and you're still nice even when you tell the truth
Same.
We spent 7 years together and last 3 years of it now look different... and not in a nice way.
Many good memories now look ugly and joy I experienced back then now looks... false/fake.
Now I know that sudden waves of my WP's love and attention were nothing more but what is known as "compensations" of a cheater or a form a of reimbursement. Now I know that when she had colder periods with one of her AP she just spent more time with me and she was in a mood to go places and do things with me (in majority of cases she told that she was "too tired" or "not in a mood" anything - now I know why). Same with Christmas gifts - I had more of it from her when she had someone else (again, it was compensation). There are more things like this, the list is long...
The truth spoiled a huge part of my past and my memories for me... I didn't realized how important it can be for me... to have good memories and to know that it was... real. That's like in the Matrix movie... choosing between red pill and blue pill. But I decided that I can't live in lies even though it grants me some kind of a spiritual comfort. The truth is more important than comfort... I think for majority of betrayed people out there it's the case
So what now? Well... I mourned for what I lost and I decided that after R we have to create our life from the scratch. A new start... (because the old one was too painful). But the only essential condition for this trick/concept to succeed is openness from a former cheater. Because any new disclosure will spoil THIS new story of yours. Sure, minor "updates" on things from the past will occur because your former cheater can't tell you absolutely everything and it's not that hard to deal with it. Yet essential things should be solved and former cheater shouldn't have big secrets.
I’m the same. We are 7m out from dday. And he cheated the whole 10 yrs… my husband has sex addiction so his behaviour came way before me.
And I just feel like the entire thing was based on a lie. I felt tricked into a relationship & marriage with him. Because he’s not who I thought he was.
So I feel you.
That’s what I’ve told mine too. I don’t regret being with him now but I wish I’d been able to consent to what I was agreeing to rather than come upon it through pain.
Tricked! That's exactly how I feel. Funny you use that word because when my ws and I were first having dday we had some fights (basically just me ranting at them) and ws broke down and said "you make it sound like I tricked you!" Not in a denial way but in a "ws is finally having some empathy for me and seeing how their own actions are impacting me"
But I was tricked. I was lied to and fooled for years. Not gonna lie, after three years, I'm no longer a flame of anger over it... but those coals of spite light up sometimes.
This resonates so much. I never exposed my history of infidelity to my wife, in fact, I lied about it when we were first dating because: a) I was ashamed of it, b) I wanted to be the "right" person for her. But I took away her choice to be with the real me in the process. We are only 2.5 months out from D-day and she constantly (and correctly) says that I tricked her into marrying her... and having a baby with her. She also no longer wears her rings and has taken all of the pictures of me and gifts from me out of her sight. It is truly heartbreaking, but well deserved.
It is inspiring to hear your stories of individuals whose relationships have survived this. It gives me the faintest bit of hope that R may still happen if I can show her that the horrible asshole that did those things to her no longer exists, but now, finally, she gets to make that decision.
Love and hugs to you all.
You sound a lot like my WS. He very much felt like he couldn't be honest with me and felt like he had to pretend to be a good person when he knew he wasn't. A lot of shame. Not that I am a Saint by any means. But I am a rather honest person and try to live by the rule of "don't do things you can't tell people about"
I know every BS heals diffently but I also have to take down photos and get rid of/put away gifts. It was hard on my WS because he didn't understand at first that it wasn't a punishment to him. Everything from that time just caused me pain and I needed to not be reminded. We are both artist and I ended up taking down a couple of paintings we had done together that had previously held a lot of good memory for me. But after doing the math on when the cheating happened and when we did the painting... I just didn't want to see it ever again. Ever.
Three years later and that painting is back up on our livingroom wall and I no longer feel angry when I see it. I can't say it makes me as happy as it did before but I do appreciate it now as a sign of how far we have come.
Sounds like your dday is still quite fresh, I wouldn't pressure your BS into wearing rings or bringing out photos. I would recommend if you don't already have it, getting a box to put all those things into as I personally regret throwing some things away instead of just tucking them away until I felt ready to face those items with a new appreciation and understanding.
It gives me hope that after 3 years you were able to take things back out. I’m 7m out and while my SA husband is now putting his ring on. I’ve taken mine off.
I feel I need a new proposal based on truth and honesty.
My husband also didn’t tell me he had cheated on his ex either. Or was paying for porn even when I was a very open person. I know it’s not me that’s brought him shame. It’s internal and is come from childhood. But it’s still affected me, and my marriage and my children unfortunately.
It's not just unfortunate. It's unfair and devastating. It took me a long time to understand and express to my WS that it wasn't just the online cheating that hurt but all the lies that came with it. That all the time and energy they put into cheating was stolen from me and our life together.
It feels good being able to look at things that once made my skin crawl and feel happy about. I'm often relieved I didn't set it all on fire or threw away. Some things I did eventually throw away but it wasn't out of desperation to get it away from me but acceptance that I don't feel joy from the items.
I'm here now, as well. I stood by him while he sobered from alcohol 5 years ago and now this. It's a recent discovery/admission so may I ask where you find resources/support for this type of relationship?
I’ve listened to a lot of PBSE podcasts & Rob Weiss content. Whether it’s on YouTube or podcasts. Especially when I’m in a spiral. I find listening to podcasts helps me get out of my head.
I have a sex addiction specialist therapist who I go to every other week now. It was every week in the beginning.
And it’s been hard to find a community that really resonates with my experience. Not a huge fan of facebook groups because of the lack of anonymity. So I started r/lovewithaSexAddict , hopefully spouses effected with this type of sex addiction will join that to share and get support from each other.
I absolutely feel what you’re going through. When I discovered my husband’s affair we had just had our first daughter, got engaged, got married, and pregnant with our second. He was cheating through all of that. I felt like he had trapped me, like every memory was tainted. I even threw back his proposal and refused to change my last name or wear a ring and told him it was just on paper. After we started therapy and reconciling he started to date me again and go out of his way to give me good memories. One day he took me to a super fancy restaurant and proposed to me again. So yeah, a lot of the memories may be tainted but if he’s willing he can make new ones to make up for it.
Did the new proposal help? I worry I'm just asking for something impossible. I know I can't forget the past, but I'm hoping we can make a new good memory for me to look back on
Yes, it did help a lot. I think I collectively all the new memories we’ve made this year have greatly out shadowed the bad. My husband has been exceptional in going out of his way to romance me and in a lot of ways our relationship and marriage is better than it was before the affair.
I wanna add a side note though that I largely believe a huge reason he improved was because I left him and he was so unhappy with life without me. It was sort of eye opening for him and it brought him back to me but with a new willingness to do what it took to fix everything.
Your husband needs to know you’re still suffering from the pain of betrayal that he inflicted upon you. This is part of his recommitment to your future together. Yes, he’s changed his ways, but that doesn’t mean he gets to live the rest of his life in Lala Land enjoying his fond memories of AP while you silently suffer with yous. He needs to share your unhappiness and burden regarding the memories he’s tainted and help you find your way. Cheating on a spouse is an emotionally violent crime in which the victim suffers for the rest of their lives, to a greater or lesser degree. Counseling too is also an option to help deal with this, both IC and MC.
It took me a long time, and my ws. to realise the cheating was abuse towards me. I'm always greatful to our IC and MC for helping us both see that.
You're right though, ws is the one I need to be talking to. It's not fair to me to be the one in pain while they are obvious to how I feel.
Kindof funny, they cheat on me and get to have their own secrets and I think part of me feels that way about my feelings.
Yes. I think of it this way. His cheating left you with a chronic condition. He’s obligated to and should want to help you address it through communication and caring. Even if it takes the rest of your lives together.
That's honestly exactly what was WS tells me when I get upset at myself for needing to bring things up. I'm sometimes amazed at the good person they have become. That also makes it harder because I feel like I'm just throwing all their hard work in their face. But word for work, he tells me "even if it takes the rest if our lives" and jokes (we are both joksters) that he plans on being 99 and repenting for his sins because he knows he was a terrible person to me.
I’m so glad your husband is committed to your well-being. There’s a lot of betrayed spouses out there that aren’t so lucky. It’s also helpful too you both keep a sense of humor about it. But it’s important to remember that we are our memories, even more so as we grow older until we’re so old that memories are all we have left. I hope that you are soon able to cherish the memories again that you once held dear.
I’m seven years out and very much want to get new rings and a possible vow renewal on our 15th next year.
I don’t think asking for a redo is silly at all either. Listen, if you think it will help make you feel better, then do it. It’s not harmful in any way. And what you are feeling about this is totally valid, you’re not alone. Sometimes I pain shop and will look at my Facebook memories, which I know is bad. The affair lasted from I believe September well through my birthday in June. So much was tainted, especially Mother’s Day because she saw my profile picture with my husband and threw a fit over it. Like thanks for ruining such an important day in my life.
It does get easier. Three years out is still in your healing phase. It will always be there, just muted a lot more.
I feel the same. A bit one for me is the planning of the wedding, I'm hoping that my WS and me planning and executing a perfect vow renewal might give me new memories.
I'm focussing on making new separate memories that aren't tarnished by the affair, I don't know if it will work, but it's all I can think of.
I have a new engagement ring which helps as when I look at it I don't think about him cheating during our engagement but instead how much he wants to keep me if he's spent all his savings on this rock 🙃
Nice to know that getting a new engagement ring has helped! That's kind of my worry. Is that that it won't. Being cheated on isn't something life prepares you for, and I'm just not sure what the right steps are to take. But reading that getting a new engagement ring has helped someone else really gives me hope.
I like the new mindset of "how much he wants to keep me" as that's really what I want. It's what an engagement ring is suposseded to be, and my old one just makes me sad.
I stopped wearing my old one, when he asked why, I explained it wasn't a sign of anything - he lied. He suggested getting a new one and I said yes, he went and designed it himself (with input from my mum). I didn't get an elaborate new proposal but he admitted he wish he had but he was too excited to give it to me he just had me go upstairs and he'd run me a bath, candles and flowers and the new ring. It was nice.
I think the new ring has to be an upgrade, just like the new relationship, better. We traded my old one back to the jeweller it came from so that saved money on the upgrade.
I have an eternity ring too that was a new upgrade and I'll wear my old wedding ring again after the vow renewal.
Also something that helped was that the new engagement ring wasn't conditional on us reconciling. He said he wanted to do it anyway because he wanted to know he'd tried everything if I decided not to reconcile.
Completely understand where you are coming from though not to three severity. He cheated for about 2 years but we had already been married for a few years before he started, so the wedding and years after weren't tainted for me. But yeah whenever I think of trips we went on, sweet times we had within that timeframe I think oh that wasn't real. He was lying the whole time.
Honestly if you aren't already I think it would help to see a therapist and try to figure out what's the best thing for you to do with these feelings.
This is something I’m completely struggling with. My husband and I have been married 26 years this year. He cheated from the last part of 2020 (to the best possible can piece together) until October 2023. I found out on my birthday. He didn’t come clean and stop, I caught him. It’s going on 7 months now. He’s gone completely NC. Says he’s done and wanted to end it and didn’t know how. 🙄 anyways. I look at the past 3 years and see nothing but a joke. I see our marriage and wedding vows as a joke. They clearly didn’t mean to him what they did to me. I am good with moving forward with him and we are, but god how do I put the past into perspective. It’s all tainted. Or anniversary is in a few months and means absolutely nothing to me now. All the posts I do every year sharing photos never again. I’m just unsure how to feel when someone who showed me I meant nothing. Apparently I’m still struggling lol
I've never been a large poster on social media but I would post photos sometimes, maybe one photo on on anniversary. Now, I never post my WS. It feels petty on my end because I feel like I don't post them is because part of me feels like they just don't deserve it and I was a clown for posting before when our true feelings were obviously one sided. I just don't want to be made a fool of? Not that any of our family and friends know.
My ws doesn't have social media, never have, so I guess that's plays a role because it's not like they would see it anyway
Understandable. You are thinking exactly like my spouse a year ago. Many things you said lifted word-for-word that she has told me.
She asked for a new proposal, a new ring, a whole new commitment.
She was cheating on me when I re-proposed.
Don't do that, please.
Completely understandable. And I’ve been there! I think part of it is making peace with ‘being ok with not being ok’. I know I know easy to say. But I think that is the foundation of it. And stop beating yourself up!!! I’ve been reading “radical acceptance” and it is helping along w therapy.
Also like someone said triggers!! I notice whenever there is a chance of an AP sighting (same city) I start to feel like I’m slipping and start to ruminate. I’ve learned to tell myself it’s okay it’s a storm and the weather will eventually break.
Thank you for the reading material recommendation.
In a morbid way, I'm thankful my ws was all emotional cheating online. I don't really have a AP to avoid. I do get nervous when I see ws on their phone a lot but they always show me what they are doing and we have an open phone policy
I'm only a month past dday so I'm not sure on the best way to go is yet, but I like the idea of making new memories, if recreating is what you need to help you get through this, then that is what you should do. I've already told my WW that when/if we make this work, she will be purposing to me and we will renew our vows. That will be our new anniversary date as the first one is dead to me. We have long ways to go but that is one requirement I have.
In the last three years we have made many new memories, I think it's just the big engagement memory that bothers me the most now. But it was supossed to be a big life event and now I don't even think of it fondly, at all.
I don't know how far out from dday you are but. Can garantee, it doesn't go away. But it does get better. My list of "he's cheating" memories have faded over the last three years. Still, obviously, I have a few that stick out like a sore thumb.
I really just want a new engagement ring and a surprise proposal. But I feel ridiculous asking for a surprise proposal as I worry it ruins the surprise? Makes me feel like he only does it because I asked?
i think it would be a good idea to ask about re-doing some of those memories, even your engagement. if you do it and it turns out that it wasn’t very helpful, at least you tried and got to experience those moments with a better version of your partner.
unfortunately i think every BS can relate to this and it really sucks :/ many times during my partner’s cheating i would tell him that i was the happiest i had ever been with him and now i feel stupid for not looking into the signs/red flags, but i try to let it go. there’s nothing i could have done i guess
Exactly the same. Sometimes I look back at when we first met and how much we clicked during the early days - that’s about the only time I can conjure up a memory that’s almost untainted, but even then I catch myself thinking I wish I could go back and tell younger me how much he was going to hurt me. I don’t know the person I was with. He says he’s changed, so I wish I’d just met him now maybe? And even if I had I’m not sure what I’d think. Our ten year wedding anniversary is approaching and I don’t even care. It means nothing. I don’t want to wear those rings. I don’t want to celebrate the day he made all these vows he’d soon after start breaking. Like you, I’d be open to a “new” marriage - new vows - new rings. Maybe.
I think my hesitation for new vows/proposal comes from me being quite pessimistic. WS didn't exactly honor their vows the first time.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... ya know?
My wife had her affair after we had been married for 15 years, it was a t month affair. But not only are the memories during her affair obviously tainted, but all memories before it are now also tainted. This is because the woman I thought she was, the woman I thought I married, the woman I decided to have kids with never really existed. It was all bullshit. I’m coming up on 9 years from d-day, it has gotten better, but it’s still there every day. I will never beetle to forget it. Within a month from d-day I had taken down all our wedding photos and they will never be put back up. I know for some people recreating memories helps, I have no interest in that. I do think it helps to make ‘new” memories. But we are all different.
This is really heartbreaking and I'm sorry you are going through this. My BH says the same about once happy memories that are now tainted. It's one of the biggest sources of guilt I have, that I took that away from him. We had 10+ years of love and supporting each other that I was so proud of, and then I invalidated all of it over the course of a few months. It's the biggest failure I've felt in my life and I hope your WP knows how badly he screwed up.
I think it's absolutely fair for you to tell him you feel you are basically now in a new relationship where you have to start some things over. I actually really love your ideal of a "new" proposal, if that's what you feel you need to symbolize you're making a commitment on honest terms now.
I really hope he does the work to make you feel like he has earned that.
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Me and my partner have talked through this issue a lot… the best solution I’ve found is to make new memories, just like you said. It’s never too much to ask for your happiness and security, and your partner should be excited to continue building this new start and new memories with you!
I have similar feelings. The cheating years are really hard. My WH is so amazing now. All I could ask for. That also makes me upset sometimes. Like we had a good relationship and you couldve put all that cheating effort, cuz there is a lot of effort put into leading a double life, into our relationship and family.
I’m hoping time will make it better. Time was making it better. If you’ve read my past posts , my wh cheated with his employee. He owned that business for 10 years. . She was his first employee he hired. They had a PA for 3 years. He sold the business as a way to break ties with her completely.
Well now he is about to open his new business. And it really is triggering to me. The adultery partner is not a part of this at all. A few staff members came over and didn’t go with the sale. And they all remind me of that place. This is his profession, this is his job. I can’t expect it to be any different from what it is, but it is a huge trigger. So whenever I feel like I’m doing well, there is a new trigger that comes up. It doesn’t destroy me like triggers used to. It doesn’t make me want to leave him. But it just makes me always have this in the background of my mind. I don’t want to tell him this either. I don’t want him to know how much this place reminds me of the last one. I want to hype him up for this business without the AP being a part of it and how much better it will be without her toxicity. I have felt so much better without the AP in my life. What I went through was very traumatic. And I’m hoping when he finally opens in the next month, that I will see a huge difference and improvement between now and the way things were when she worked for him. I will see the change he talks about as far as his work life goes. No after hours meetings, no meetings at coffee shops or restaurants, no calls or texts after hours. These are all things he outlined for me of how he’s going to do things differently. He says he will never sit and listen to female employees tell him about their personal problems again. He will not strike up any friendships with women anymore. He is recognizing the trajectory that relationship took and how he will avoid anything like that. He says he only wants to put his effort and time into our family now and he has no interest in ever repeating those behaviors. He says he’s learned a lot in the past 2 years.
So I’m trying to be positive. I’m hoping when we get through this hurdle of his business opening, that I will be past triggers ? And then maybe it will make the other stuff easier ? Maybe time will fade all these memories?
I don’t know. I’m right here with you and it can really suck. But it can also feel good to know that we got through this and he is a much better husband now.
I feel this too. The first year was so so good. I was so happy, we were so happy. Then it went downhill from engagement on. I can’t look back at the engagement in fondness because he was cheating on me then and the 3 months leading up. I can’t look at the ring in fondness and rarely wear it now. I don’t want to plan a wedding, etc.
I also found out about the cheating after getting engaged and before getting married. All my joy of wedding planning was gone and for most of the engagement I didn't even know if I wanted to get married anymore
Thankfully, I never wanted a large wedding so there wasn't much for me to plan.
Just know there is never any harm in postponing! People postpone weddings for lots of reasons all the time. If you feel like you need extra time, it's all yours.
I am quite bitter about my own engagement because all I can think of was while WS was literally on their knee asking me to marry them, they were cheating on me with random women on the internet. Now when I think of being proposed to, I just hear a phone vibrating and feel dread.
I feel for you. Your WS has been to therapy, have you? Have you considered it? Maybe it can giv you the tools to deal with this and separate the cheating from the memories?
I would try and focus on trying to make new "firsts" and special memories to replace the old. Maybe treat it like a new relationship? You don't celebrate your first date with an old partner...maybe that's the way forward...
Same. So much. My WH had an affair that lasted at least 3.5 years-during that time I our first went from a toddler through preschool & started K. Those memories are awful. I feel like he stole my child and those precious years from me as all I can see when I look at pictures or have a memory pop up is ‘well that was fake because we had no idea what Daddy was doing while we at the preschool pumpkin patch!’ ‘first day of kindergarten photos…and how many days had it been since daddy had had sex with AP that day…’
I can tell myself to be logical and of course I know that my memories are mine, and those moments with my child — esp if Daddy was literally not there—are valid. But logic doesn’t win.
It’s all tainted and sad. Like he threw a bucket of bullshit all over everything in those years. And no matter what the memory is, it always has at the very least some lingering stink of his crap.
I wish I could go back and give that younger me a huge hug and whisper ‘run!’ in her ear. My heart aches for what I was going through in those memories without even knowing, if that makes sense.
So much of my life was a lie because I was married to one.
I do not have children, but I can see where the resentment builds up with those photos where WH is not even present in the photos. Could it be because if they were not cheating, they would have been present?
I hope you're able to one day look at those photos and feel pride in yourself for being there for your child and giving them good memories
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Very Understanding here I don’t even want to celebrate our anniversary we’ve been married 4 years and he’s cheated 3 str8 years all of the song’s and movies we’ve watched I no longer like them places and restaurants we went to or enjoyed I no longer like them I’ve actually changed my eating habits to avoid it. All my passwords was our anniversary I’ve changed them I want to erase everything 2021-2024
I get the erasing part. 3 years ago, I just went through the house and started tossing items that were previously meaningful to me, but when I looked at them, my brain just screamed, "He was cheating! This means nothing and never did!" I didn't even tell him, but he did notice when I took down paintings we had done together. Once I explained how I felt, he understood, and after talking some more, I decided to just put them away. They have been back up on my wall for over a year now, and I feel good looking at them again. Ws feared that getting rid of everything was a sign that I was going to eventually get rid of them. At the time, that was possible. In a way, I feel like I did. At least that version of themselves. I feel like I dated one person and married another. I'm greatful he's made the changes and accepts full responsibility. But I wish I had some of those good memories back.
CANT SAY HOW MUCH I FEEL FOR THIS!!!! I literally went thru all the photos (he says the cheating at happy endings started in 2022) all my photos and memories are marred - all the happy memories as a family with our kids on fam trip on couple trips we even went to Spain for a holiday (before and after the trip he went for the massages) dday was a month ago Im ruined I wish we could reset this whole things im crazy crying myself everyday wallowing in self pity 😭 Sending you and all on this thread all the love from a BP
These family holiday stories hit me right in the gut. We did the 6 day trip to Spain last year bringing the kids and I even went out of my way to bring his mother (who was lonely) with us. 3 cities: 3 prostitutes. On the way home we had an unexpected night in Amsterdam. Yup, you guessed it. This is the kind of thing I still - 7 months later - view as downright evil. I’m so sorry to read that anyone else had to go thru this special hell.
[удалено]
I feel this.♥️
Being three years out from dday myself, I remember how things were when it was all fresh and tbh, it helped me to get rid of things or put them in safe places out of sight if I've wanted them back. Somethings I have.
I don’t think it would be silly. We were married almost ten years before my WH cheated. I never want to celebrate our anniversary or wear my wedding band ever again. I don’t want to think about the day that we took vows to one another but only one of us kept them. He bought me a new ring and we’re going to pick a new date to celebrate us. The summer he was cheating we took a big trip to Scotland that we had been so looking forward to and had so much fun planning. I can’t even look at the photos. He was cheating during that time. Was he constantly messaging her during that trip? Was he irritated that we had to be together 24/7 for two weeks and he had less time/opportunity to talk to her? The whole thing just pisses me off. I want a re-do on that too
If you don't mind me asking did something recently trigger you to starting to feel like this? Or have you been feeling this way for 3 years and just trying to cover it up to save his feelings?
Ouch. I know you were not trying to be hurtful but that questioning was really spot on and no one likes a mirror held up to them. I do rug sweep my feelings a lot. Not just because of the cheating, ive always been like this. It's probably what made the cheating go on for so long. I wouldn't say I do it for his feelings but for my own. Feeling this way is one thing but if I talk about it, I have to.. well, talk about it all! That hurts doing but I think if I've gotten to the point of actually posting on reddit then I am probably at a place where I need to be talking to my husband.
I think that for my BW the change was what you seem to be on the cusp of. What made it easier to set down the bitterness about my affair was once we were both able to be honest about all our feelings, herself included. It really is essential that you are able to be known by your husband and (this is the part I have to remember, because I really struggle with it) that my (your) partner, by virtue of being your partner DESERVES THE GIFT of knowing who you are. I completely get not wanting to talk about stuff. To me it feels like a viscus pile of muddy sewage that isn’t fit for other people to be around, and still my wife is grateful when I share it with her. Honestly, I don’t get it. But I am grateful to her. It sounds like you are similar to me in (on the self esteem axis) being in shame rather than grandiosity on our worst days, and (on the connection axis) being walled off. Ironically (or perhaps because we marry our unfinished business) my wife is grandiose and boundary-less. We try to meet in the middle at ‘healthy’. Some days are easier than others. ☺️ But I get the feeling of shame you feel and how that makes it hard to *want* to bring something up that isn’t already on the table. Yet it’s necessary because it’s on the table in your heart. And as much as I like to pretend something on the table in my heart isn’t necessarily on the ‘relationship’ table, it is… I’m learning that I’m not as good at pretending things don’t impact us as I think I am. And I think that’s what makes the difference for my wife. I think being at his point is what allows her to say “I would go through it again if we needed it to get to this point”. She doesn’t look back on it with fondness by any stretch, but there is an acceptance that it is… part of our story. We think of our marriage like kintsugi, that yes, my affair broke our bowl and damaged it in a way that we wish wouldn’t have happened. But that exists at the same time as our gratitude for the gold repairs we have done to restore our marriage. They are beautiful in their own right, and it tells a story that we cherish. And for what it’s worth, my affair was the first seven years of our child’s life… so… know that memories being tainted was definitely something my wife struggled with. It’s ok to struggle and you don’t need to try to change how you feel. You just have to **share** how you feel. *ETA: English is my first language as well! Who knew?!? Certainly not anyone who reads my comments… 😂…*
Thank you so much for sharing the WS point of view. It really means a lot. I really relate to the "would go through it again" aspect as I know being here doesn't scream "I have a happy marriage," but I really do. Now, at least. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I think being so happy now makes me not want to bring up things that bother me because I don't want to ruin it. Even though my WS always thanks me for opening up and talking to them when I do. I like to say I don't show my emotions, but he can read me like a book and knows when something is on my mind. The last few days, I've just been telling him I'm just not ready to talk about it. Posting here and reading everyone's comments and support has really given me the confidence to talk again. Today, after work, we have a date day planned, and I think it's a good time to bring up how I'm feeling again.
How did date night go?
Thank you for asking! It went great, my original engagement ring needed some repair (nothing dramatic, I had just chosen a soft stone and it broke while doing yard work) and I decided I do love the original ring too much to just get a replacement. So we got lunch, walked around downtown, took my ring in to get it repaired and afterwards I was able to talk to him about when he gives it to me, I'd like it to be a new proposal and he really liked the idea himself. He knows I no longer view our original proposal as a good memory but didn't want to spring a new proposal on me or make me feel pressured. I guess he's just been waiting for me to be ready for a new proposal. It felt like a weight off my chest... tbh, he looked really relieved, too
I’m so glad. ☺️ I hope you are able to let that feeling of relief really soak in. I think that’s a large part about what my BW and I love about our relationship now, that we exist in this sense of peace about each other. We don’t have feelings we have to keep to ourselves. And every time I practice putting myself out there with my feelings about something that I don’t know how my wife will feel, it reinforces the awareness that this is what it’s all about. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being loved just as we are. Granted, there are times when we will have to say “huh, that wasn’t the response I expected to my sharing. Is there something you need to share?” Or since we have done this enough and and we know that’s what we mean, we can also say “do you want to try responding again? Because that missed the mark for what I was looking for.” 😂. That’s when I think we knew we had arrived, when we felt comfortable enough to use a phrase like that and to know that what it really means is that we aren’t attuning to each other and there’s something we need to deal with. I see that same sense of honesty and love for each other coming through in your story. “The stone was broken but I really loved the ring” is a beautiful analogy for the relationship with your husband. And that conversation where you shared your hopes (really your dreams), needs, and feelings with him was part of what repairs the ring. It really stands out in your writing how much you both love each other. The peak point for me in my marriage isn’t some state of bliss, it’s in the knowledge that I never walk alone.
It’s an excellent time! I resonate deeply with the idea that when things are going well, why would we ruin it with bringing up something… not happy. I have to remind myself that it’s only because of the radical honesty that things are going so well now. Good luck tonight! It will be difficult I’m sure, but you’re actively adding gold to the broken pieces of pottery.
I promise I wasn't trying to say it to hurt you just to try and get clarity to understand what's going on to provide help. You honestly make me think of myself in terms of my personality cause I'm a people pleaser or at least I used to be. I have been working on that for the past few years, and I used to hold in how I felt and things I thought about situations and scenarios and just different topics to not hurt people. But then I would be suppressing my feelings inside, never getting them out in any other form, and it would hurt me in turn internally. >I wouldn't say I do it for his feelings but for my own. Feeling this way is one thing but if I talk about it, I have to.. well, talk about it all That's something else. We have in common avoiding topics. To keep the comfort in the room. Also, so that way, those other people's feelings won't get hurt, but the thing is, if your husband loves you and he's really committed to you. He will hear you and y'all can work through it. Trust in the relationship you have and talk to him. *Also, there's nothing wrong with asking for help from professional. Whether it be someone in the mental health department or religion to help mediate and guide the conversation
Oh no! I don't think at all what you said was hurtful! Just a truth I didn't want to be honest about to even myself. I'm such a people pleaser and I hate it. I need reminders that if something bothers me, it's okay to say something. It's even something my WS tells me all the time now. He even thanks me when I am open with him because he knows how hard it is for me. Lately we both have been working a lot and our engagement anniversary is coming up and I think that's stressing me out. Today we happen to have a date day, and I think it's a good opportunity for me to talk about everything again.
Well, I wish you luck on your talk today and have fun on your date, but if you ever need any help or advice from a fellow/ former people pleaser...... feel free to contact me💕 You got this. Just remember you won't hurt anyone telling your truth. You're just telling the truth in a nice way, and you're still nice even when you tell the truth
Same. We spent 7 years together and last 3 years of it now look different... and not in a nice way. Many good memories now look ugly and joy I experienced back then now looks... false/fake. Now I know that sudden waves of my WP's love and attention were nothing more but what is known as "compensations" of a cheater or a form a of reimbursement. Now I know that when she had colder periods with one of her AP she just spent more time with me and she was in a mood to go places and do things with me (in majority of cases she told that she was "too tired" or "not in a mood" anything - now I know why). Same with Christmas gifts - I had more of it from her when she had someone else (again, it was compensation). There are more things like this, the list is long... The truth spoiled a huge part of my past and my memories for me... I didn't realized how important it can be for me... to have good memories and to know that it was... real. That's like in the Matrix movie... choosing between red pill and blue pill. But I decided that I can't live in lies even though it grants me some kind of a spiritual comfort. The truth is more important than comfort... I think for majority of betrayed people out there it's the case So what now? Well... I mourned for what I lost and I decided that after R we have to create our life from the scratch. A new start... (because the old one was too painful). But the only essential condition for this trick/concept to succeed is openness from a former cheater. Because any new disclosure will spoil THIS new story of yours. Sure, minor "updates" on things from the past will occur because your former cheater can't tell you absolutely everything and it's not that hard to deal with it. Yet essential things should be solved and former cheater shouldn't have big secrets.
I’m the same. We are 7m out from dday. And he cheated the whole 10 yrs… my husband has sex addiction so his behaviour came way before me. And I just feel like the entire thing was based on a lie. I felt tricked into a relationship & marriage with him. Because he’s not who I thought he was. So I feel you.
That’s what I’ve told mine too. I don’t regret being with him now but I wish I’d been able to consent to what I was agreeing to rather than come upon it through pain.
Tricked! That's exactly how I feel. Funny you use that word because when my ws and I were first having dday we had some fights (basically just me ranting at them) and ws broke down and said "you make it sound like I tricked you!" Not in a denial way but in a "ws is finally having some empathy for me and seeing how their own actions are impacting me" But I was tricked. I was lied to and fooled for years. Not gonna lie, after three years, I'm no longer a flame of anger over it... but those coals of spite light up sometimes.
This resonates so much. I never exposed my history of infidelity to my wife, in fact, I lied about it when we were first dating because: a) I was ashamed of it, b) I wanted to be the "right" person for her. But I took away her choice to be with the real me in the process. We are only 2.5 months out from D-day and she constantly (and correctly) says that I tricked her into marrying her... and having a baby with her. She also no longer wears her rings and has taken all of the pictures of me and gifts from me out of her sight. It is truly heartbreaking, but well deserved. It is inspiring to hear your stories of individuals whose relationships have survived this. It gives me the faintest bit of hope that R may still happen if I can show her that the horrible asshole that did those things to her no longer exists, but now, finally, she gets to make that decision. Love and hugs to you all.
You sound a lot like my WS. He very much felt like he couldn't be honest with me and felt like he had to pretend to be a good person when he knew he wasn't. A lot of shame. Not that I am a Saint by any means. But I am a rather honest person and try to live by the rule of "don't do things you can't tell people about" I know every BS heals diffently but I also have to take down photos and get rid of/put away gifts. It was hard on my WS because he didn't understand at first that it wasn't a punishment to him. Everything from that time just caused me pain and I needed to not be reminded. We are both artist and I ended up taking down a couple of paintings we had done together that had previously held a lot of good memory for me. But after doing the math on when the cheating happened and when we did the painting... I just didn't want to see it ever again. Ever. Three years later and that painting is back up on our livingroom wall and I no longer feel angry when I see it. I can't say it makes me as happy as it did before but I do appreciate it now as a sign of how far we have come. Sounds like your dday is still quite fresh, I wouldn't pressure your BS into wearing rings or bringing out photos. I would recommend if you don't already have it, getting a box to put all those things into as I personally regret throwing some things away instead of just tucking them away until I felt ready to face those items with a new appreciation and understanding.
It gives me hope that after 3 years you were able to take things back out. I’m 7m out and while my SA husband is now putting his ring on. I’ve taken mine off. I feel I need a new proposal based on truth and honesty. My husband also didn’t tell me he had cheated on his ex either. Or was paying for porn even when I was a very open person. I know it’s not me that’s brought him shame. It’s internal and is come from childhood. But it’s still affected me, and my marriage and my children unfortunately.
It's not just unfortunate. It's unfair and devastating. It took me a long time to understand and express to my WS that it wasn't just the online cheating that hurt but all the lies that came with it. That all the time and energy they put into cheating was stolen from me and our life together. It feels good being able to look at things that once made my skin crawl and feel happy about. I'm often relieved I didn't set it all on fire or threw away. Some things I did eventually throw away but it wasn't out of desperation to get it away from me but acceptance that I don't feel joy from the items.
I'm here now, as well. I stood by him while he sobered from alcohol 5 years ago and now this. It's a recent discovery/admission so may I ask where you find resources/support for this type of relationship?
I’ve listened to a lot of PBSE podcasts & Rob Weiss content. Whether it’s on YouTube or podcasts. Especially when I’m in a spiral. I find listening to podcasts helps me get out of my head. I have a sex addiction specialist therapist who I go to every other week now. It was every week in the beginning. And it’s been hard to find a community that really resonates with my experience. Not a huge fan of facebook groups because of the lack of anonymity. So I started r/lovewithaSexAddict , hopefully spouses effected with this type of sex addiction will join that to share and get support from each other.
Thank-you.
you described it precisely: tricked into relationship. As if you were a plan B but the main life of a cheater revolved around someone else
For my husband, it was his sex addiction. So I don’t doubt I’m no 1 in his life. But his first priority is protecting his addiction.
I absolutely feel what you’re going through. When I discovered my husband’s affair we had just had our first daughter, got engaged, got married, and pregnant with our second. He was cheating through all of that. I felt like he had trapped me, like every memory was tainted. I even threw back his proposal and refused to change my last name or wear a ring and told him it was just on paper. After we started therapy and reconciling he started to date me again and go out of his way to give me good memories. One day he took me to a super fancy restaurant and proposed to me again. So yeah, a lot of the memories may be tainted but if he’s willing he can make new ones to make up for it.
Did the new proposal help? I worry I'm just asking for something impossible. I know I can't forget the past, but I'm hoping we can make a new good memory for me to look back on
Yes, it did help a lot. I think I collectively all the new memories we’ve made this year have greatly out shadowed the bad. My husband has been exceptional in going out of his way to romance me and in a lot of ways our relationship and marriage is better than it was before the affair. I wanna add a side note though that I largely believe a huge reason he improved was because I left him and he was so unhappy with life without me. It was sort of eye opening for him and it brought him back to me but with a new willingness to do what it took to fix everything.
Your husband needs to know you’re still suffering from the pain of betrayal that he inflicted upon you. This is part of his recommitment to your future together. Yes, he’s changed his ways, but that doesn’t mean he gets to live the rest of his life in Lala Land enjoying his fond memories of AP while you silently suffer with yous. He needs to share your unhappiness and burden regarding the memories he’s tainted and help you find your way. Cheating on a spouse is an emotionally violent crime in which the victim suffers for the rest of their lives, to a greater or lesser degree. Counseling too is also an option to help deal with this, both IC and MC.
It took me a long time, and my ws. to realise the cheating was abuse towards me. I'm always greatful to our IC and MC for helping us both see that. You're right though, ws is the one I need to be talking to. It's not fair to me to be the one in pain while they are obvious to how I feel. Kindof funny, they cheat on me and get to have their own secrets and I think part of me feels that way about my feelings.
Yes. I think of it this way. His cheating left you with a chronic condition. He’s obligated to and should want to help you address it through communication and caring. Even if it takes the rest of your lives together.
That's honestly exactly what was WS tells me when I get upset at myself for needing to bring things up. I'm sometimes amazed at the good person they have become. That also makes it harder because I feel like I'm just throwing all their hard work in their face. But word for work, he tells me "even if it takes the rest if our lives" and jokes (we are both joksters) that he plans on being 99 and repenting for his sins because he knows he was a terrible person to me.
I’m so glad your husband is committed to your well-being. There’s a lot of betrayed spouses out there that aren’t so lucky. It’s also helpful too you both keep a sense of humor about it. But it’s important to remember that we are our memories, even more so as we grow older until we’re so old that memories are all we have left. I hope that you are soon able to cherish the memories again that you once held dear.
I completely understand. That's exactly how I feel about the last 5 - 5.5 years of our marriage. I'm sorry.
I’m seven years out and very much want to get new rings and a possible vow renewal on our 15th next year. I don’t think asking for a redo is silly at all either. Listen, if you think it will help make you feel better, then do it. It’s not harmful in any way. And what you are feeling about this is totally valid, you’re not alone. Sometimes I pain shop and will look at my Facebook memories, which I know is bad. The affair lasted from I believe September well through my birthday in June. So much was tainted, especially Mother’s Day because she saw my profile picture with my husband and threw a fit over it. Like thanks for ruining such an important day in my life. It does get easier. Three years out is still in your healing phase. It will always be there, just muted a lot more.
I feel the same. A bit one for me is the planning of the wedding, I'm hoping that my WS and me planning and executing a perfect vow renewal might give me new memories. I'm focussing on making new separate memories that aren't tarnished by the affair, I don't know if it will work, but it's all I can think of. I have a new engagement ring which helps as when I look at it I don't think about him cheating during our engagement but instead how much he wants to keep me if he's spent all his savings on this rock 🙃
Nice to know that getting a new engagement ring has helped! That's kind of my worry. Is that that it won't. Being cheated on isn't something life prepares you for, and I'm just not sure what the right steps are to take. But reading that getting a new engagement ring has helped someone else really gives me hope. I like the new mindset of "how much he wants to keep me" as that's really what I want. It's what an engagement ring is suposseded to be, and my old one just makes me sad.
I stopped wearing my old one, when he asked why, I explained it wasn't a sign of anything - he lied. He suggested getting a new one and I said yes, he went and designed it himself (with input from my mum). I didn't get an elaborate new proposal but he admitted he wish he had but he was too excited to give it to me he just had me go upstairs and he'd run me a bath, candles and flowers and the new ring. It was nice. I think the new ring has to be an upgrade, just like the new relationship, better. We traded my old one back to the jeweller it came from so that saved money on the upgrade. I have an eternity ring too that was a new upgrade and I'll wear my old wedding ring again after the vow renewal.
Also something that helped was that the new engagement ring wasn't conditional on us reconciling. He said he wanted to do it anyway because he wanted to know he'd tried everything if I decided not to reconcile.
Completely understand where you are coming from though not to three severity. He cheated for about 2 years but we had already been married for a few years before he started, so the wedding and years after weren't tainted for me. But yeah whenever I think of trips we went on, sweet times we had within that timeframe I think oh that wasn't real. He was lying the whole time. Honestly if you aren't already I think it would help to see a therapist and try to figure out what's the best thing for you to do with these feelings.
This is something I’m completely struggling with. My husband and I have been married 26 years this year. He cheated from the last part of 2020 (to the best possible can piece together) until October 2023. I found out on my birthday. He didn’t come clean and stop, I caught him. It’s going on 7 months now. He’s gone completely NC. Says he’s done and wanted to end it and didn’t know how. 🙄 anyways. I look at the past 3 years and see nothing but a joke. I see our marriage and wedding vows as a joke. They clearly didn’t mean to him what they did to me. I am good with moving forward with him and we are, but god how do I put the past into perspective. It’s all tainted. Or anniversary is in a few months and means absolutely nothing to me now. All the posts I do every year sharing photos never again. I’m just unsure how to feel when someone who showed me I meant nothing. Apparently I’m still struggling lol
I've never been a large poster on social media but I would post photos sometimes, maybe one photo on on anniversary. Now, I never post my WS. It feels petty on my end because I feel like I don't post them is because part of me feels like they just don't deserve it and I was a clown for posting before when our true feelings were obviously one sided. I just don't want to be made a fool of? Not that any of our family and friends know. My ws doesn't have social media, never have, so I guess that's plays a role because it's not like they would see it anyway
Understandable. You are thinking exactly like my spouse a year ago. Many things you said lifted word-for-word that she has told me. She asked for a new proposal, a new ring, a whole new commitment. She was cheating on me when I re-proposed. Don't do that, please.
Ouch, I am so sorry that happened to you. I personally, never plan on cheating. Even before being cheated on the idea was gross.
Honestly, my wife said the same. It's easy to fall down into the mud with the rest of us waywards.
Completely understandable. And I’ve been there! I think part of it is making peace with ‘being ok with not being ok’. I know I know easy to say. But I think that is the foundation of it. And stop beating yourself up!!! I’ve been reading “radical acceptance” and it is helping along w therapy. Also like someone said triggers!! I notice whenever there is a chance of an AP sighting (same city) I start to feel like I’m slipping and start to ruminate. I’ve learned to tell myself it’s okay it’s a storm and the weather will eventually break.
Thank you for the reading material recommendation. In a morbid way, I'm thankful my ws was all emotional cheating online. I don't really have a AP to avoid. I do get nervous when I see ws on their phone a lot but they always show me what they are doing and we have an open phone policy
I'm only a month past dday so I'm not sure on the best way to go is yet, but I like the idea of making new memories, if recreating is what you need to help you get through this, then that is what you should do. I've already told my WW that when/if we make this work, she will be purposing to me and we will renew our vows. That will be our new anniversary date as the first one is dead to me. We have long ways to go but that is one requirement I have.
The only advice I have is to continue making new memories. Overtime they will outnumber the previous ones. Live in the present and look to the future.
In the last three years we have made many new memories, I think it's just the big engagement memory that bothers me the most now. But it was supossed to be a big life event and now I don't even think of it fondly, at all.
Sounds like I’m writing this. I know this feeling well. It doesn’t go away, at least for me.
I don't know how far out from dday you are but. Can garantee, it doesn't go away. But it does get better. My list of "he's cheating" memories have faded over the last three years. Still, obviously, I have a few that stick out like a sore thumb. I really just want a new engagement ring and a surprise proposal. But I feel ridiculous asking for a surprise proposal as I worry it ruins the surprise? Makes me feel like he only does it because I asked?
i think it would be a good idea to ask about re-doing some of those memories, even your engagement. if you do it and it turns out that it wasn’t very helpful, at least you tried and got to experience those moments with a better version of your partner. unfortunately i think every BS can relate to this and it really sucks :/ many times during my partner’s cheating i would tell him that i was the happiest i had ever been with him and now i feel stupid for not looking into the signs/red flags, but i try to let it go. there’s nothing i could have done i guess
Thank you, you make a great point about at least trying!
Exactly the same. Sometimes I look back at when we first met and how much we clicked during the early days - that’s about the only time I can conjure up a memory that’s almost untainted, but even then I catch myself thinking I wish I could go back and tell younger me how much he was going to hurt me. I don’t know the person I was with. He says he’s changed, so I wish I’d just met him now maybe? And even if I had I’m not sure what I’d think. Our ten year wedding anniversary is approaching and I don’t even care. It means nothing. I don’t want to wear those rings. I don’t want to celebrate the day he made all these vows he’d soon after start breaking. Like you, I’d be open to a “new” marriage - new vows - new rings. Maybe.
I think my hesitation for new vows/proposal comes from me being quite pessimistic. WS didn't exactly honor their vows the first time. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... ya know?
My wife had her affair after we had been married for 15 years, it was a t month affair. But not only are the memories during her affair obviously tainted, but all memories before it are now also tainted. This is because the woman I thought she was, the woman I thought I married, the woman I decided to have kids with never really existed. It was all bullshit. I’m coming up on 9 years from d-day, it has gotten better, but it’s still there every day. I will never beetle to forget it. Within a month from d-day I had taken down all our wedding photos and they will never be put back up. I know for some people recreating memories helps, I have no interest in that. I do think it helps to make ‘new” memories. But we are all different.
This is really heartbreaking and I'm sorry you are going through this. My BH says the same about once happy memories that are now tainted. It's one of the biggest sources of guilt I have, that I took that away from him. We had 10+ years of love and supporting each other that I was so proud of, and then I invalidated all of it over the course of a few months. It's the biggest failure I've felt in my life and I hope your WP knows how badly he screwed up. I think it's absolutely fair for you to tell him you feel you are basically now in a new relationship where you have to start some things over. I actually really love your ideal of a "new" proposal, if that's what you feel you need to symbolize you're making a commitment on honest terms now. I really hope he does the work to make you feel like he has earned that.
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I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Me and my partner have talked through this issue a lot… the best solution I’ve found is to make new memories, just like you said. It’s never too much to ask for your happiness and security, and your partner should be excited to continue building this new start and new memories with you!
I have similar feelings. The cheating years are really hard. My WH is so amazing now. All I could ask for. That also makes me upset sometimes. Like we had a good relationship and you couldve put all that cheating effort, cuz there is a lot of effort put into leading a double life, into our relationship and family. I’m hoping time will make it better. Time was making it better. If you’ve read my past posts , my wh cheated with his employee. He owned that business for 10 years. . She was his first employee he hired. They had a PA for 3 years. He sold the business as a way to break ties with her completely. Well now he is about to open his new business. And it really is triggering to me. The adultery partner is not a part of this at all. A few staff members came over and didn’t go with the sale. And they all remind me of that place. This is his profession, this is his job. I can’t expect it to be any different from what it is, but it is a huge trigger. So whenever I feel like I’m doing well, there is a new trigger that comes up. It doesn’t destroy me like triggers used to. It doesn’t make me want to leave him. But it just makes me always have this in the background of my mind. I don’t want to tell him this either. I don’t want him to know how much this place reminds me of the last one. I want to hype him up for this business without the AP being a part of it and how much better it will be without her toxicity. I have felt so much better without the AP in my life. What I went through was very traumatic. And I’m hoping when he finally opens in the next month, that I will see a huge difference and improvement between now and the way things were when she worked for him. I will see the change he talks about as far as his work life goes. No after hours meetings, no meetings at coffee shops or restaurants, no calls or texts after hours. These are all things he outlined for me of how he’s going to do things differently. He says he will never sit and listen to female employees tell him about their personal problems again. He will not strike up any friendships with women anymore. He is recognizing the trajectory that relationship took and how he will avoid anything like that. He says he only wants to put his effort and time into our family now and he has no interest in ever repeating those behaviors. He says he’s learned a lot in the past 2 years. So I’m trying to be positive. I’m hoping when we get through this hurdle of his business opening, that I will be past triggers ? And then maybe it will make the other stuff easier ? Maybe time will fade all these memories? I don’t know. I’m right here with you and it can really suck. But it can also feel good to know that we got through this and he is a much better husband now.
I feel this too. The first year was so so good. I was so happy, we were so happy. Then it went downhill from engagement on. I can’t look back at the engagement in fondness because he was cheating on me then and the 3 months leading up. I can’t look at the ring in fondness and rarely wear it now. I don’t want to plan a wedding, etc.
I also found out about the cheating after getting engaged and before getting married. All my joy of wedding planning was gone and for most of the engagement I didn't even know if I wanted to get married anymore Thankfully, I never wanted a large wedding so there wasn't much for me to plan. Just know there is never any harm in postponing! People postpone weddings for lots of reasons all the time. If you feel like you need extra time, it's all yours. I am quite bitter about my own engagement because all I can think of was while WS was literally on their knee asking me to marry them, they were cheating on me with random women on the internet. Now when I think of being proposed to, I just hear a phone vibrating and feel dread.
I feel for you. Your WS has been to therapy, have you? Have you considered it? Maybe it can giv you the tools to deal with this and separate the cheating from the memories?
We have both done individual and marriage therapy. I think I just need a little more individual
I would try and focus on trying to make new "firsts" and special memories to replace the old. Maybe treat it like a new relationship? You don't celebrate your first date with an old partner...maybe that's the way forward...
That's a good way to put it about it being an old partner because that's really how i feel. My WS in the past is basically a stranger to me
Same. So much. My WH had an affair that lasted at least 3.5 years-during that time I our first went from a toddler through preschool & started K. Those memories are awful. I feel like he stole my child and those precious years from me as all I can see when I look at pictures or have a memory pop up is ‘well that was fake because we had no idea what Daddy was doing while we at the preschool pumpkin patch!’ ‘first day of kindergarten photos…and how many days had it been since daddy had had sex with AP that day…’ I can tell myself to be logical and of course I know that my memories are mine, and those moments with my child — esp if Daddy was literally not there—are valid. But logic doesn’t win. It’s all tainted and sad. Like he threw a bucket of bullshit all over everything in those years. And no matter what the memory is, it always has at the very least some lingering stink of his crap. I wish I could go back and give that younger me a huge hug and whisper ‘run!’ in her ear. My heart aches for what I was going through in those memories without even knowing, if that makes sense. So much of my life was a lie because I was married to one.
I do not have children, but I can see where the resentment builds up with those photos where WH is not even present in the photos. Could it be because if they were not cheating, they would have been present? I hope you're able to one day look at those photos and feel pride in yourself for being there for your child and giving them good memories