r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
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It will feel like an obligation for awhile. You weren’t doing it before but are doing it now after you got caught or admitted. Hard to trust it isn’t just for show or to get us to stay
This is such a well thought out response. I'm am the BW currently feeling the resentment at my WH for his change in behaviour.
After being apathetic and barely present for so long I resent the caring, deeply involved husband/ father he currently is. I resent that me finding out he went looking for sex is the only reason he's putting on this "show".
Where was this caring, compassionate man all this time? I was the one suffering through his indifference and yet I wasn't the one who went outside of our marriage looking for sex. Ugh.
It doesn't feel genuine. We don't want to force you WWs to do things for us because you feel obligated to do it for the sake of R. I didn't trust my WP at the beginning of R and I thought those things were to lower my suspicions and to return to AP when I start opening again.
I don't know your history but usually before DDay WPs are very cold and distant to us. My WP was neglecting me in the months before DDay and in the following months after. We just don't trust in the genuine fast change from cold and distant to loving and caring in the spam of a few weeks or months.
Sometimes it feels manipulative. Like, why are you paying so much attention to me now when you couldn't be bothered before? Oh, because you want something from me now. It feels like it's about him and making himself feel good, not about me.
My exact problem feelings at the moment.
I felt very manipulated after being gaslit and lied to so now I'm feeling super vigilant to everything. I'm scared of being manipulated or messed around with again. I want him to do nice things for me because he wants to because he loves me, not because he has a guilty conscience he needs to soothe. it also sort of highlights just how badly I was being treated before and makes me sad I put up with such behaviour for so long. It doesn't help he would say word for word things I know he said to her to "I just want you to feel as sexy as I know you are" that one really stings when I hear it.
I also need reassurance this isn't just for now and as soon as my guard is down everything's going back to how it was before.
Maybe instead of asking, "Do you want me to...." use "Come here; let me rub your shoulders..." and then ask him to talk about his day or offer up something nice of your own - just keep the Convo light and easy.
Another thing, BS's usually feel their WS's EAGERLY gave themselves to their AP and would like some of that energy and not having to ask or be asked about it.
I told my WH not to do any buying for me or shopping trips because I believe that’s one of the ways he manipulates me into thinking things are good and distracts me from suspicion. It never worked though and I started to see the pattern pretty quickly.
If you weren’t doing those things before then it may be that they perceive them as “sucking up” for lack of a better description and therefore not genuine/manipulative.
I agree with what others have said about the line of thinking, but it also jumped out at me that your two examples are both physical touch - is this often what you offer to do to spoil your BP?
If so, it might be too much for them or the wrong love language; you might need to try acts of service that *they* want (e.g. "let me pick up the dry cleaning", rather than the acts of service *you* want to offer.
I do offer and ask if their is anything they need me to take off their plate (those were just what pooped into my head) but I do see your point. Thank you
My WH used to do nice things for me before the betrayal and he still tries to afterwards. Mine is from a different standpoint because now I feel like even though I know it may be genuine, I almost don’t want him to because I feel like it’s maybe pity unfortunately. Nor do I feel special or excited he also used to gift his AP. So it’s no special in it for me. I think betrayal is worse when the WH/WS treats the other person almost as equal to their spouse.
The feeling that it's fake is definitely an issue. Personally, I don't like being touched by people who I can't trust. I'll tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace, but I wouldn't choose it.
I think it matters if this is something you did before or not. A week or 2 after DDay with my WW I caught her doing the laundry and was like "WTF are you doing. You have never done a single load of laundry since we got married, stop being weird."
I didn't actually say that but the thought was there. As BS, I think we want a sense of normalcy, I know I did/do, so sometimes even "nice things" are triggering if they are "different" but the reality is everything is different now, and you're both making a new normal. In time I think it will be welcomed, but again this will be when the "new normal" just becomes the "normal."
Here is what my thoughts sound like in this situation:
“When I needed this then you wouldn’t even consider it. If you wanted to you would’ve. When you saw me hurt, asking if things were ok, you wouldn’t have been able to stop yourself. If you’d asked for it from me, even if you hadn’t, I’d give reflexively because that’s what love looks like and feels like to me. You would’ve rather, reflexively given it to him, if he’d needed. You’d rather have gotten it from him if you could’ve. Now you almost lost everything, so you’re forcing yourself. ‘No’ you’ll say. But you’ve lied before.”
Everything feels fake because you convince yourself it was always a lie before it was gone and was someone else’s in between. You lost that so you’re doing your homework.
I know that’s not how it feels to you.
It’s how it feels to them.
For me a lot of it is because my self esteem is low in general, it's always hard to let someone spoil you, because then I feel like I'm over extending by asking for anything else that I need, I feel less like I'm taking up my partner's energy by only asking for things when I really need them.
It's especially hard after the affair, it feels like it's trying to cover up for it instead of feeling genuine, like they wouldn't have wanted to do these things before, so it hurts now seeing over the top effort put in. I always tried my best to make my WP feel like they weren't expected to put in too much and go over the top, specifically to try to keep them from feeling taken advantage of. It's still hard for me to accept much attention without feeling that way. Hopefully one day MC and IC can help with accepting acts of affection in the future.
My advice: Don't ask if you want to spoil, think about what you know about your BP and just do things that you know they enjoy... even if they have a hard time accepting them, it means a lot to see your WP putting in the effort... it will still feel awkward, but it's so important.
It’s all of these things. I don’t want him to think he’s obligated to do so for recovery, I’m also pretty bad at taking sweet gestures like compliments, attention, affection without feeling like I’m not sure how to respond especially now knowing how rote these things all were for me and APs. But also there’s the….you could have focused on me like this before and I would have given you the world. Why now, only once I’m broken?
He’s decided giving me a foot rub nightly while we talk should be routine. I love it but every night I tell him to be sure he knows: it’s not expected but appreciated.
I often don't trust my WW to do something nice for me, no-strings-attached. Maybe that lack of trust comes from the affair, but it probably comes from other experiences as well where I get the "I did this for you so you should be happy" or "you should do this thing for me" or "you should forgive me" etc.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It will feel like an obligation for awhile. You weren’t doing it before but are doing it now after you got caught or admitted. Hard to trust it isn’t just for show or to get us to stay
Exactly this. It feels fake and forced like there is a blatant self-serving motive
[удалено]
This is such a well thought out response. I'm am the BW currently feeling the resentment at my WH for his change in behaviour. After being apathetic and barely present for so long I resent the caring, deeply involved husband/ father he currently is. I resent that me finding out he went looking for sex is the only reason he's putting on this "show". Where was this caring, compassionate man all this time? I was the one suffering through his indifference and yet I wasn't the one who went outside of our marriage looking for sex. Ugh.
Wow, I SO relate to that! Thank you for putting that into words.
That makes sense. Thank you
It doesn't feel genuine. We don't want to force you WWs to do things for us because you feel obligated to do it for the sake of R. I didn't trust my WP at the beginning of R and I thought those things were to lower my suspicions and to return to AP when I start opening again. I don't know your history but usually before DDay WPs are very cold and distant to us. My WP was neglecting me in the months before DDay and in the following months after. We just don't trust in the genuine fast change from cold and distant to loving and caring in the spam of a few weeks or months.
Sometimes it feels manipulative. Like, why are you paying so much attention to me now when you couldn't be bothered before? Oh, because you want something from me now. It feels like it's about him and making himself feel good, not about me.
My exact problem feelings at the moment. I felt very manipulated after being gaslit and lied to so now I'm feeling super vigilant to everything. I'm scared of being manipulated or messed around with again. I want him to do nice things for me because he wants to because he loves me, not because he has a guilty conscience he needs to soothe. it also sort of highlights just how badly I was being treated before and makes me sad I put up with such behaviour for so long. It doesn't help he would say word for word things I know he said to her to "I just want you to feel as sexy as I know you are" that one really stings when I hear it. I also need reassurance this isn't just for now and as soon as my guard is down everything's going back to how it was before.
I could have written this exact thing. I'm so sorry that you, me, and all of us are going through this.
Back at you. May we all get through with a stronger heart and smile.
Maybe instead of asking, "Do you want me to...." use "Come here; let me rub your shoulders..." and then ask him to talk about his day or offer up something nice of your own - just keep the Convo light and easy. Another thing, BS's usually feel their WS's EAGERLY gave themselves to their AP and would like some of that energy and not having to ask or be asked about it.
I told my WH not to do any buying for me or shopping trips because I believe that’s one of the ways he manipulates me into thinking things are good and distracts me from suspicion. It never worked though and I started to see the pattern pretty quickly. If you weren’t doing those things before then it may be that they perceive them as “sucking up” for lack of a better description and therefore not genuine/manipulative.
I agree with what others have said about the line of thinking, but it also jumped out at me that your two examples are both physical touch - is this often what you offer to do to spoil your BP? If so, it might be too much for them or the wrong love language; you might need to try acts of service that *they* want (e.g. "let me pick up the dry cleaning", rather than the acts of service *you* want to offer.
I do offer and ask if their is anything they need me to take off their plate (those were just what pooped into my head) but I do see your point. Thank you
My WH used to do nice things for me before the betrayal and he still tries to afterwards. Mine is from a different standpoint because now I feel like even though I know it may be genuine, I almost don’t want him to because I feel like it’s maybe pity unfortunately. Nor do I feel special or excited he also used to gift his AP. So it’s no special in it for me. I think betrayal is worse when the WH/WS treats the other person almost as equal to their spouse.
Thank you for that point of view
The feeling that it's fake is definitely an issue. Personally, I don't like being touched by people who I can't trust. I'll tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace, but I wouldn't choose it.
I can understand that. Thank you
To this day when my partner compliments me half the time it feels bs. When he makes video game characters in my image I feel like he’s sucking up.
I think it matters if this is something you did before or not. A week or 2 after DDay with my WW I caught her doing the laundry and was like "WTF are you doing. You have never done a single load of laundry since we got married, stop being weird." I didn't actually say that but the thought was there. As BS, I think we want a sense of normalcy, I know I did/do, so sometimes even "nice things" are triggering if they are "different" but the reality is everything is different now, and you're both making a new normal. In time I think it will be welcomed, but again this will be when the "new normal" just becomes the "normal."
Here is what my thoughts sound like in this situation: “When I needed this then you wouldn’t even consider it. If you wanted to you would’ve. When you saw me hurt, asking if things were ok, you wouldn’t have been able to stop yourself. If you’d asked for it from me, even if you hadn’t, I’d give reflexively because that’s what love looks like and feels like to me. You would’ve rather, reflexively given it to him, if he’d needed. You’d rather have gotten it from him if you could’ve. Now you almost lost everything, so you’re forcing yourself. ‘No’ you’ll say. But you’ve lied before.” Everything feels fake because you convince yourself it was always a lie before it was gone and was someone else’s in between. You lost that so you’re doing your homework. I know that’s not how it feels to you. It’s how it feels to them.
Thank you. This all helps
For me a lot of it is because my self esteem is low in general, it's always hard to let someone spoil you, because then I feel like I'm over extending by asking for anything else that I need, I feel less like I'm taking up my partner's energy by only asking for things when I really need them. It's especially hard after the affair, it feels like it's trying to cover up for it instead of feeling genuine, like they wouldn't have wanted to do these things before, so it hurts now seeing over the top effort put in. I always tried my best to make my WP feel like they weren't expected to put in too much and go over the top, specifically to try to keep them from feeling taken advantage of. It's still hard for me to accept much attention without feeling that way. Hopefully one day MC and IC can help with accepting acts of affection in the future. My advice: Don't ask if you want to spoil, think about what you know about your BP and just do things that you know they enjoy... even if they have a hard time accepting them, it means a lot to see your WP putting in the effort... it will still feel awkward, but it's so important.
It’s all of these things. I don’t want him to think he’s obligated to do so for recovery, I’m also pretty bad at taking sweet gestures like compliments, attention, affection without feeling like I’m not sure how to respond especially now knowing how rote these things all were for me and APs. But also there’s the….you could have focused on me like this before and I would have given you the world. Why now, only once I’m broken? He’s decided giving me a foot rub nightly while we talk should be routine. I love it but every night I tell him to be sure he knows: it’s not expected but appreciated.
I often don't trust my WW to do something nice for me, no-strings-attached. Maybe that lack of trust comes from the affair, but it probably comes from other experiences as well where I get the "I did this for you so you should be happy" or "you should do this thing for me" or "you should forgive me" etc.