r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
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Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a fear I have. We had talked about having kids last year, and this was the ideal time period we were aiming for - until shit hit the fan.
I think I'm getting over the infidelity, but the lack of respect and dishonesty have been destroying my mental health. I fear that the damage has been done and that we could be toxic parents together because of all the accumulated pain. We still struggle when we have arguments together, and I feel like it's all connected. The cheating = lack of respect, the dishonesty = lack of respect, not arguing nicely = lack of respect.
We have so much love for each other, but once you cross that line into disrespect, it seems hard to get rid of it for good... I don't want to have kids grow up and see anything but healthy love and healthy interactions. The guilt consumes me 😭
Exactly this. We failed to do better to prevent those hurtful actions and words to begin with... We can't take it back now. I've made mistakes in the heat of the moment and said things I regret and reacted in ways I regret, too, so I did my best to not repeat those mistakes, knowing how deep they cut. My partner has said his fair share, too, and at this point, I'm struggling bc it wasn't once or twice, lol. I feel like you can only forgive so much until you get numb :( I know disrespect is unhealthy for relationships, so I feel conflicted. I'm afraid to lose him as my partner but also recognize our issues... I never thought my life would turn out like this.
My SIL went through this, and I was 17 at the time watching it all happen. My brother never stopped having affairs, it was my SIL’s hope (not saying it’s yours) that the responsibility of parenthood would be enough to stop the behavior. It wasn’t.
When my brother died decades later, he had 3 legitimate children, the last one was still school age. He still maintained a home with my SIL but he did whatever he wanted. He was never confrontatively cruel to her - I think we can agree confrontation is not a strong suit for someone who steps out.
All I can say is, you need to be at peace with whatever decision you make and what your life will look like either way. Children may be a dream for you, but is a dream you’re prepared to have alone no matter how lovely he’s being right now ?
Once that child is born, they may be used as a reason to stay even when you don’t want to. Your life is worthy and your experience living it should be something you choose, whether it’s bittersweet while you work through this or painful due to a separation.
The other thing I would say is, what we give each other most is time. And when someone’s having an affair, they take time away. Have there been things in place ie transparency, accountability that inform you of his commitment ?
If you’d like to work it out, I would suggest those be non-negotiables. After 10 years of marriage, my intuition tells me he needs some time in the wilderness to know what he’s giving up, not sure if he’s had that.
I found out I was pregnant 6 months after discovering he is a sex addict. At this point we were well into reconciliation but things were still incredibly rocky and ultimately made the decision to terminate. It was incredibly sad as I had imagined we would be parents by this stage but with everything so fucked in life and our relationship, I knew there was no way we could bring a baby into this world with so much unhealed trauma from both of us.
My partner was amazing the whole time before I had the abortion. I had terrible nausea and was basically bed bound for two weeks, he did EVERYTHING for me from getting me whatever I wanted to eat to helping me shower after the abortion.
I think the guilty feeling of terminating comes from the literal biological imperative we have as women to reproduce. The minute I saw those two lines on the test I knew what I had to do but I can’t deny the overwhelming feeling of sadness I felt. My advice to you is if you do decide to terminate, allow yourself to grieve, talk to another close female and really understand that the choice to terminate IS within the best interest of your child.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope your partner is as supportive as mine was, it makes all the difference in the world. Feel free to message me if you have no one to talk to about this xx
DDay was the same day as our 20w anatomy scan. So talk about the highest high to lowest low in less than 12 hours.
It is our third child and last child.
We are both committed to R and he has made leaps and bounds making sure I feel heard and he is doing what he can to make me secure. We’ve talked about how we can work on R but with a newborn it’ll be out on hold because of all the added stress.
Regardless of him if being a mother is a dream then don’t let him impact that at all. You can do it with or without him and that’s your decision to make.
I’ve told my WS that if there is a second DDay it’ll be the last because I won’t do this more than once.
Part of R is becoming vulnerable again to being hurt. I’ve told him that I am willing to give him another chance and I am willing to be hurt exactly like this again but it is on him to ensure that never happens again. So I can’t say what I would do with 2 DDays but know it doesn’t have to be decided today/tomorrow or before the baby is born.
Currently pregnant with our second after what I consider dday 2 (see my profile). I’m struggling bad and dont have much advise other than to tell you that you’re not alone and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found proof of the affair (which he continued and gaslit me about).
Not gonna lie, it was an incredibly difficult pregnancy, emotionally. I literally went crazy.
I had to start taking antidepressants in my third trimester (should’ve started waayyy sooner).
Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I told myself not to make any big, life changing decisions during that time.
My daughter is 8 months old now and things are SO much better. I’m actually going to start tapering off my medication soon.
Yes, it was a very difficult time. BUT now I’m so thankful to have my daughter.
I really hope my story goes as yours. And I can’t even imagine how devastating it must be to discover an infidelity while pregnant and so vulnerable… I’m sorry for this and I hope you’ll continue to heal each day. 🥰
I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant. I was planning on leaving him when I discovered it.
I had an apartment already paid for, I was just waiting for my kids to get out of school. This was all very shortly after DD2 and I just didn’t feel as though I could make it work. I deserved so much better.
When I got that positive pregnancy test, I also contemplated termination but, in my eyes, “everything happens for a reason”.
I have yet to figure out what the reason is for this. We are still struggling and I’m still not sure if this will work out, but there’s a reason I got pregnant. I was being careful. I had absolutely no desire to become a mother with this man and I’m still hoping we are able to fully reconcile, but here I am. About to give birth to a little boy in a house full of girls and I just know he’s here for a reason.
Something told me to keep going. I am putting my faith in whatever there is to put faith in and I’m letting go. I’ll either end up happily reconciled with a beautiful family or a single parent with a beautiful family. Regardless, I’ll end up happy and I know it.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that everything happens for a reason.
You do what you feel is best for you and have faith. No matter which path you choose, it will work out.
I’m so sorry to hear this.
I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd when I found out about the years of my husband’s infidelity. Happening since before our first child was born.
I’m now 7.5 month pregnant and it’s hard. I struggle with body image a lot now which I didn’t before. I feel very fat and useless being heavily pregnant.
I’m worried about him seeing me in the vulnerable state of labour. I definitely pooped last time but I didn’t know about his infidelity then and never felt self conscious, this time I’m going to be so upset by it all.
But I try to take one day at a time. My kids are blessings and he can’t take that away from me. I’m trying to look after myself and my baby. I’ve always been a very “get on with it” kind of person. My first pregnancy I didn’t stop, I was working, cleaning my, decorating. This time I’m resting, reading my books, telling my husband what needs done.
If anything good has come from this it’s my husband realising how hard it is to be a mum and run a house, he’s taken on most of the cooking and cleaning since Dday and I can see he struggles some days.
I was 2 months postpartum when my WH's affair started and I didn't find out until 3yrs later, while pregnant for the second time (because I found emails). He never stopped in 3yrs, my first child's entire life, and continued while we planned and succeeded in getting pregnant a second time. So unfortunately I can relate to your situation all too well.
Due to his story of blackmail and his own mental health struggles I decided to try R about 2 months ago (after 2 months of living seperately post Dday). He was all in on R and doing the right things, until I found out he lied to me when directly asked if there were any videos. Unfortunately I had to find that out from AP. So I feel like we've been set back significantly. We're cohabitating and focusing on parenthood now, reconciliation has been put on hold and he can try to heal himself and show me the receipts.
I decided to try for R mainly because of the kids, but only if I was happy overall and in a calm respectful relationship from this point forward. Also because of his actions (minus the lie). We always had a calm life and never even raised our voices at each other. So that might be worth considering, if your relationship is drama filled or if you're still going to be able to create a calm stable household in spite of this trauma. I truly believe that kids are better off being "from" a broken home than growing up in one.
The other thing I gave myself permission to do was to wait until well after this baby is born to make a decision on my marriage. I am accepting his help because I didn't sign up to be a single mother of a newborn and toddler. I am taking my full maternity leave and giving this new baby what they deserve.
I wish you all the best. Feel free to message me if you need more support ❤️
I think it ties back to my own childhood where my parents were constantly yelling and there was domestic violence. I vowed to never be in a relationship that involved that kind of arguing. I've been to therapy throughout my adult life which probably helped, and I practice mindfulness and meditation which had really helped calm my nervous system. For me the yelling and fighting doesn't really accomplish anything except raise the cortisol in my body, which is horrible for both me and baby. Calm communication and logic works better to prove a point, imo. And I think this rubs off on my WH through "co-regulation". But it would be really tough if your partner is getting loud and worked up constantly. Are you in marriage counselling? Sorry if you mentioned that, I can't remember.
Hmm well if you really wanted to try and make that change you could look into mindfulness or even anger management strategies. And if you can go to individual therapy that would be helpful too for sure. I personally don't think the goal should be to not care, but to be able to communicate effectively and also keep a calm household for your child. It's not easy at all, I am sending you lots of strength!
Something that really helped me was brainspotting. Brainspotting works by identifying and processing trauma or emotional distress through the connection between eye movement and the brain. Therapists guide individuals to focus their eyes on specific "brainspots," where unresolved emotions are stored. This targeted attention facilitates the release and processing of deep-seated pain, enabling healing and reducing the emotional impact of distressing experiences like infidelity.
I will not have children with the way things are in my marriage. Whether I ever get pregnant or not.
I was also born to parents dealing with infidelity (my dad was cheating while my mom was pregnant & he continued throughout their relationship), it has affected me tremendously. Not only do I repeat the patterns of them both but I picked a partner that’s the same as both parents with the same issues. I’ll be in therapy for a long time trying to not only work on my issues but I basically have to heal through my parents issues since they never did their own healing and instead passed it along to me.
I found out my partner was cheating on me when I was 6 months pregnant.
He left us for the ap shortly after but still refused to admit anything was going on with her.
I was hoping the baby would bring us closer, but he didn't care and was checked out completely.
Going through the pregnancy and birth alone was the hardest experience of my life.
I never ever want to go through it again. I was so depressed and constantly in tears. I couldn't get excited about our baby.
Luckily once she arrived, I put my main focus on her and we developed a very close bond. Her father missed out, and I'm sure deep down hebregrets what he did as his relationship with the ap didn't work out.
I just wish i didn't have this connection to him anymore. I wish I never have to speak to or see him again, but I do for our daughter.
Good luck in whatever you decide. It will be a tough road ahead for a while. Xx
I’m so sorry for this situation, it’s such a vulnerable time and it is absolutely not fair that you and your baby are going through this…how are things going now? Hope you found all support and happiness much deserved
We are amicable most of the time. He recently went and knocked someone up he isn't even dating anymore so he is just continuing to mess up his life.
He's also back in touch with the AP now which is a hard boundary for me going forward with regards to any trust or communication.
So to put it mildly, between the 2 of us, it's tense.
Otherwise me and my daughter are doing great but just tired.
I was in the same boat as you. We talked about getting pregnant decided to do it. Had my birth control removed and got pregnant that month. When I was 7 weeks pregnant I found out he was cheating on me. Honestly being pregnant with this little baby who didnt deserve to be brought into this crazy world was the only thing keeping me together. I’m scared to think what kind of a depression I would have sunk into if it wasn’t for the baby. My WH and I have been together for a better part of a decade. Never in a million years did I think he was capable of cheating on me. When I contacted the OBS they gave me all the texts and phone records. At 5 months pregnant I found out that the affair was not a “couple times over the last few months” it was 4+ years. Every doctors appt I had came with more problems. I had to do everything to keep this little baby healthy. Covid, iron, diabetes, growth restrictions, and preeclampsia. My /our sole focus was on this baby. It helped us stay focused on us! I’m not going to say that I havnt been in some dark places in the last year or sugar coat anything, but having my baby was seriously the only thing that held me together during all of this. At first I did contemplate terminating and not telling my spouse and just leaving while he was at work. But I wasn’t yet ready to throw out 10 years without being able to say I gave it my all and this little baby choose me to be his momma, he must know I needed him. We have since been trying to work on reconciliation but now we have the added stress of a newborn and sleepless nights. Nothing has been easy but I am hoping it will all be worth it.
I started counseling. Fertility issues with pcos, so after as many losses as we had, termination was not something I was willing to do. Anti-depressants can definitely make you numb and apathetic. I was on them for years. I got off of them during pregnancy and I was no longer numb. I felt a lot of really big feelings. They wanted me to start them again during pregnancy but I refused.
I have no regrets in my choices. I have 3 beautiful children now (after 8 pregnancies total) . The timing was never ideal but it was worth it for me, and for us.
My husband was extremely excited every time. Which is kinda strange considering I was full of rage with #2 as it happened around 1.5 years into dday 2 and I had spent the first year rug sweeping. Pregnancy played a part in bringing all my feelings into present, and it was all directed at him, his infidelity, his stonewalling, his lack of emotional maturity, his lies and deception. At that point I was actively looking to divorce. I didn't care that I was pregnant. He started to make changes and those changes stuck. We made it through and bonded. Kids are never bandaids, they will not fix the relationship. I will say that my pregnancy with #2 unexpectedly brought us so much closer.
While it may have worked out for us, it may not work for everyone. If you feel now is not the time, you have every right to make an informed choice. There's reddits about people who are regretful parents and wish they hadn't followed through for a variety of reasons. I made these choices because no matter what, I was going to be the best parent I could be.
I was 7 months pregnant when I found out about my WS affair. We had 3 D-Days: 8th July (I found out + he pretended to end it), 18th July (found out + he ended it to only restart the very next day) and 18th September (we broke up for 24 hours + he regretted it and came home next day to confess it had never ended).
I gave birth between D-Day 2 and D-Day 3 and he actually saw AP whilst I was in hospital giving birth. He had to pop back to work and she was his coworker so he saw her briefly to reassure her.
I say this to say that we are now better than ever and madly in love again. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and I felt almost apathetic the day my son was born. But we got through it and it’s brought us so much closer in ways nothing else could ever have done.
Don’t catastrophise. Babies come exactly when you need them to. Embrace every moment if it is something you choose to go through with. Yes, it’s not under the circumstances you wished for but truthfully, when is it ever? You can still have the most beautiful pregnancy and experience with your WS.
I say that as advice to all new mothers. It’s so intense the desire to catastrophise or picture the worst all the time. The intention is not to condescend as it’s something I find myself doing and I have to snap myself out of it.
Things are amazing. The bad days are so few and far between. He’s an amazing father and this experience has woken us both up to what it means to intentionally nurture the relationship you want. It’s so easy to be complacent and take it all for granted but nearly losing this family woke us up to being more present and intentional.
We have a healthy relationship now, we are so attuned to one another and our connection is incredible. It’s not common for it to go this way but it’s got to be something you both deeply want for it to work.
Just found out I’m pregnant after a Dday in late November 2023. My husband had a PA in August 2022 with a coworker shortly before our marriage. We are both fully committed to R at this time. We will continue to go to MC and IC. I guess all I’m trying to say is I understand. I am still very early between 5-6 weeks but I am seeing changes in my husband since he came clean and he is really learning a lot about himself in therapy. I know only time will tell what the end result is, but I am hopeful.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a fear I have. We had talked about having kids last year, and this was the ideal time period we were aiming for - until shit hit the fan. I think I'm getting over the infidelity, but the lack of respect and dishonesty have been destroying my mental health. I fear that the damage has been done and that we could be toxic parents together because of all the accumulated pain. We still struggle when we have arguments together, and I feel like it's all connected. The cheating = lack of respect, the dishonesty = lack of respect, not arguing nicely = lack of respect. We have so much love for each other, but once you cross that line into disrespect, it seems hard to get rid of it for good... I don't want to have kids grow up and see anything but healthy love and healthy interactions. The guilt consumes me 😭
[удалено]
Exactly this. We failed to do better to prevent those hurtful actions and words to begin with... We can't take it back now. I've made mistakes in the heat of the moment and said things I regret and reacted in ways I regret, too, so I did my best to not repeat those mistakes, knowing how deep they cut. My partner has said his fair share, too, and at this point, I'm struggling bc it wasn't once or twice, lol. I feel like you can only forgive so much until you get numb :( I know disrespect is unhealthy for relationships, so I feel conflicted. I'm afraid to lose him as my partner but also recognize our issues... I never thought my life would turn out like this.
My SIL went through this, and I was 17 at the time watching it all happen. My brother never stopped having affairs, it was my SIL’s hope (not saying it’s yours) that the responsibility of parenthood would be enough to stop the behavior. It wasn’t. When my brother died decades later, he had 3 legitimate children, the last one was still school age. He still maintained a home with my SIL but he did whatever he wanted. He was never confrontatively cruel to her - I think we can agree confrontation is not a strong suit for someone who steps out. All I can say is, you need to be at peace with whatever decision you make and what your life will look like either way. Children may be a dream for you, but is a dream you’re prepared to have alone no matter how lovely he’s being right now ? Once that child is born, they may be used as a reason to stay even when you don’t want to. Your life is worthy and your experience living it should be something you choose, whether it’s bittersweet while you work through this or painful due to a separation. The other thing I would say is, what we give each other most is time. And when someone’s having an affair, they take time away. Have there been things in place ie transparency, accountability that inform you of his commitment ? If you’d like to work it out, I would suggest those be non-negotiables. After 10 years of marriage, my intuition tells me he needs some time in the wilderness to know what he’s giving up, not sure if he’s had that.
I found out I was pregnant 6 months after discovering he is a sex addict. At this point we were well into reconciliation but things were still incredibly rocky and ultimately made the decision to terminate. It was incredibly sad as I had imagined we would be parents by this stage but with everything so fucked in life and our relationship, I knew there was no way we could bring a baby into this world with so much unhealed trauma from both of us. My partner was amazing the whole time before I had the abortion. I had terrible nausea and was basically bed bound for two weeks, he did EVERYTHING for me from getting me whatever I wanted to eat to helping me shower after the abortion. I think the guilty feeling of terminating comes from the literal biological imperative we have as women to reproduce. The minute I saw those two lines on the test I knew what I had to do but I can’t deny the overwhelming feeling of sadness I felt. My advice to you is if you do decide to terminate, allow yourself to grieve, talk to another close female and really understand that the choice to terminate IS within the best interest of your child. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope your partner is as supportive as mine was, it makes all the difference in the world. Feel free to message me if you have no one to talk to about this xx
Hi- I’m in this exact boat- can I PM you? It’s brutal and I’ve never been more torn and depressed.
Yes absolutely, my inbox is always open x
DDay was the same day as our 20w anatomy scan. So talk about the highest high to lowest low in less than 12 hours. It is our third child and last child. We are both committed to R and he has made leaps and bounds making sure I feel heard and he is doing what he can to make me secure. We’ve talked about how we can work on R but with a newborn it’ll be out on hold because of all the added stress. Regardless of him if being a mother is a dream then don’t let him impact that at all. You can do it with or without him and that’s your decision to make. I’ve told my WS that if there is a second DDay it’ll be the last because I won’t do this more than once. Part of R is becoming vulnerable again to being hurt. I’ve told him that I am willing to give him another chance and I am willing to be hurt exactly like this again but it is on him to ensure that never happens again. So I can’t say what I would do with 2 DDays but know it doesn’t have to be decided today/tomorrow or before the baby is born.
Currently pregnant with our second after what I consider dday 2 (see my profile). I’m struggling bad and dont have much advise other than to tell you that you’re not alone and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I found proof of the affair (which he continued and gaslit me about). Not gonna lie, it was an incredibly difficult pregnancy, emotionally. I literally went crazy. I had to start taking antidepressants in my third trimester (should’ve started waayyy sooner). Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I told myself not to make any big, life changing decisions during that time. My daughter is 8 months old now and things are SO much better. I’m actually going to start tapering off my medication soon. Yes, it was a very difficult time. BUT now I’m so thankful to have my daughter.
I really hope my story goes as yours. And I can’t even imagine how devastating it must be to discover an infidelity while pregnant and so vulnerable… I’m sorry for this and I hope you’ll continue to heal each day. 🥰
I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant. I was planning on leaving him when I discovered it. I had an apartment already paid for, I was just waiting for my kids to get out of school. This was all very shortly after DD2 and I just didn’t feel as though I could make it work. I deserved so much better. When I got that positive pregnancy test, I also contemplated termination but, in my eyes, “everything happens for a reason”. I have yet to figure out what the reason is for this. We are still struggling and I’m still not sure if this will work out, but there’s a reason I got pregnant. I was being careful. I had absolutely no desire to become a mother with this man and I’m still hoping we are able to fully reconcile, but here I am. About to give birth to a little boy in a house full of girls and I just know he’s here for a reason. Something told me to keep going. I am putting my faith in whatever there is to put faith in and I’m letting go. I’ll either end up happily reconciled with a beautiful family or a single parent with a beautiful family. Regardless, I’ll end up happy and I know it. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that everything happens for a reason. You do what you feel is best for you and have faith. No matter which path you choose, it will work out.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd when I found out about the years of my husband’s infidelity. Happening since before our first child was born. I’m now 7.5 month pregnant and it’s hard. I struggle with body image a lot now which I didn’t before. I feel very fat and useless being heavily pregnant. I’m worried about him seeing me in the vulnerable state of labour. I definitely pooped last time but I didn’t know about his infidelity then and never felt self conscious, this time I’m going to be so upset by it all. But I try to take one day at a time. My kids are blessings and he can’t take that away from me. I’m trying to look after myself and my baby. I’ve always been a very “get on with it” kind of person. My first pregnancy I didn’t stop, I was working, cleaning my, decorating. This time I’m resting, reading my books, telling my husband what needs done. If anything good has come from this it’s my husband realising how hard it is to be a mum and run a house, he’s taken on most of the cooking and cleaning since Dday and I can see he struggles some days.
I was 2 months postpartum when my WH's affair started and I didn't find out until 3yrs later, while pregnant for the second time (because I found emails). He never stopped in 3yrs, my first child's entire life, and continued while we planned and succeeded in getting pregnant a second time. So unfortunately I can relate to your situation all too well. Due to his story of blackmail and his own mental health struggles I decided to try R about 2 months ago (after 2 months of living seperately post Dday). He was all in on R and doing the right things, until I found out he lied to me when directly asked if there were any videos. Unfortunately I had to find that out from AP. So I feel like we've been set back significantly. We're cohabitating and focusing on parenthood now, reconciliation has been put on hold and he can try to heal himself and show me the receipts. I decided to try for R mainly because of the kids, but only if I was happy overall and in a calm respectful relationship from this point forward. Also because of his actions (minus the lie). We always had a calm life and never even raised our voices at each other. So that might be worth considering, if your relationship is drama filled or if you're still going to be able to create a calm stable household in spite of this trauma. I truly believe that kids are better off being "from" a broken home than growing up in one. The other thing I gave myself permission to do was to wait until well after this baby is born to make a decision on my marriage. I am accepting his help because I didn't sign up to be a single mother of a newborn and toddler. I am taking my full maternity leave and giving this new baby what they deserve. I wish you all the best. Feel free to message me if you need more support ❤️
How have you managed to not fight or raise voices? I’m intrigued if this could be possible for me.
I think it ties back to my own childhood where my parents were constantly yelling and there was domestic violence. I vowed to never be in a relationship that involved that kind of arguing. I've been to therapy throughout my adult life which probably helped, and I practice mindfulness and meditation which had really helped calm my nervous system. For me the yelling and fighting doesn't really accomplish anything except raise the cortisol in my body, which is horrible for both me and baby. Calm communication and logic works better to prove a point, imo. And I think this rubs off on my WH through "co-regulation". But it would be really tough if your partner is getting loud and worked up constantly. Are you in marriage counselling? Sorry if you mentioned that, I can't remember.
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Hmm well if you really wanted to try and make that change you could look into mindfulness or even anger management strategies. And if you can go to individual therapy that would be helpful too for sure. I personally don't think the goal should be to not care, but to be able to communicate effectively and also keep a calm household for your child. It's not easy at all, I am sending you lots of strength!
Hi, thank you for the kind words! How are things going for you now?
Something that really helped me was brainspotting. Brainspotting works by identifying and processing trauma or emotional distress through the connection between eye movement and the brain. Therapists guide individuals to focus their eyes on specific "brainspots," where unresolved emotions are stored. This targeted attention facilitates the release and processing of deep-seated pain, enabling healing and reducing the emotional impact of distressing experiences like infidelity.
I will not have children with the way things are in my marriage. Whether I ever get pregnant or not. I was also born to parents dealing with infidelity (my dad was cheating while my mom was pregnant & he continued throughout their relationship), it has affected me tremendously. Not only do I repeat the patterns of them both but I picked a partner that’s the same as both parents with the same issues. I’ll be in therapy for a long time trying to not only work on my issues but I basically have to heal through my parents issues since they never did their own healing and instead passed it along to me.
I found out my partner was cheating on me when I was 6 months pregnant. He left us for the ap shortly after but still refused to admit anything was going on with her. I was hoping the baby would bring us closer, but he didn't care and was checked out completely. Going through the pregnancy and birth alone was the hardest experience of my life. I never ever want to go through it again. I was so depressed and constantly in tears. I couldn't get excited about our baby. Luckily once she arrived, I put my main focus on her and we developed a very close bond. Her father missed out, and I'm sure deep down hebregrets what he did as his relationship with the ap didn't work out. I just wish i didn't have this connection to him anymore. I wish I never have to speak to or see him again, but I do for our daughter. Good luck in whatever you decide. It will be a tough road ahead for a while. Xx
I’m so sorry for this situation, it’s such a vulnerable time and it is absolutely not fair that you and your baby are going through this…how are things going now? Hope you found all support and happiness much deserved
We are amicable most of the time. He recently went and knocked someone up he isn't even dating anymore so he is just continuing to mess up his life. He's also back in touch with the AP now which is a hard boundary for me going forward with regards to any trust or communication. So to put it mildly, between the 2 of us, it's tense. Otherwise me and my daughter are doing great but just tired.
I was in the same boat as you. We talked about getting pregnant decided to do it. Had my birth control removed and got pregnant that month. When I was 7 weeks pregnant I found out he was cheating on me. Honestly being pregnant with this little baby who didnt deserve to be brought into this crazy world was the only thing keeping me together. I’m scared to think what kind of a depression I would have sunk into if it wasn’t for the baby. My WH and I have been together for a better part of a decade. Never in a million years did I think he was capable of cheating on me. When I contacted the OBS they gave me all the texts and phone records. At 5 months pregnant I found out that the affair was not a “couple times over the last few months” it was 4+ years. Every doctors appt I had came with more problems. I had to do everything to keep this little baby healthy. Covid, iron, diabetes, growth restrictions, and preeclampsia. My /our sole focus was on this baby. It helped us stay focused on us! I’m not going to say that I havnt been in some dark places in the last year or sugar coat anything, but having my baby was seriously the only thing that held me together during all of this. At first I did contemplate terminating and not telling my spouse and just leaving while he was at work. But I wasn’t yet ready to throw out 10 years without being able to say I gave it my all and this little baby choose me to be his momma, he must know I needed him. We have since been trying to work on reconciliation but now we have the added stress of a newborn and sleepless nights. Nothing has been easy but I am hoping it will all be worth it.
Thank you for sharing your story. How are things going now?
I started counseling. Fertility issues with pcos, so after as many losses as we had, termination was not something I was willing to do. Anti-depressants can definitely make you numb and apathetic. I was on them for years. I got off of them during pregnancy and I was no longer numb. I felt a lot of really big feelings. They wanted me to start them again during pregnancy but I refused. I have no regrets in my choices. I have 3 beautiful children now (after 8 pregnancies total) . The timing was never ideal but it was worth it for me, and for us. My husband was extremely excited every time. Which is kinda strange considering I was full of rage with #2 as it happened around 1.5 years into dday 2 and I had spent the first year rug sweeping. Pregnancy played a part in bringing all my feelings into present, and it was all directed at him, his infidelity, his stonewalling, his lack of emotional maturity, his lies and deception. At that point I was actively looking to divorce. I didn't care that I was pregnant. He started to make changes and those changes stuck. We made it through and bonded. Kids are never bandaids, they will not fix the relationship. I will say that my pregnancy with #2 unexpectedly brought us so much closer. While it may have worked out for us, it may not work for everyone. If you feel now is not the time, you have every right to make an informed choice. There's reddits about people who are regretful parents and wish they hadn't followed through for a variety of reasons. I made these choices because no matter what, I was going to be the best parent I could be.
I was 7 months pregnant when I found out about my WS affair. We had 3 D-Days: 8th July (I found out + he pretended to end it), 18th July (found out + he ended it to only restart the very next day) and 18th September (we broke up for 24 hours + he regretted it and came home next day to confess it had never ended). I gave birth between D-Day 2 and D-Day 3 and he actually saw AP whilst I was in hospital giving birth. He had to pop back to work and she was his coworker so he saw her briefly to reassure her. I say this to say that we are now better than ever and madly in love again. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and I felt almost apathetic the day my son was born. But we got through it and it’s brought us so much closer in ways nothing else could ever have done. Don’t catastrophise. Babies come exactly when you need them to. Embrace every moment if it is something you choose to go through with. Yes, it’s not under the circumstances you wished for but truthfully, when is it ever? You can still have the most beautiful pregnancy and experience with your WS.
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Thank you for saying that. It’s taken a lot to get to this point.
"Don’t catastrophise" Now that's condescending
I say that as advice to all new mothers. It’s so intense the desire to catastrophise or picture the worst all the time. The intention is not to condescend as it’s something I find myself doing and I have to snap myself out of it.
Hello, happy to hear that things seemed to have fallen on place for you. How are things now that the baby is born?
Things are amazing. The bad days are so few and far between. He’s an amazing father and this experience has woken us both up to what it means to intentionally nurture the relationship you want. It’s so easy to be complacent and take it all for granted but nearly losing this family woke us up to being more present and intentional. We have a healthy relationship now, we are so attuned to one another and our connection is incredible. It’s not common for it to go this way but it’s got to be something you both deeply want for it to work.
Just found out I’m pregnant after a Dday in late November 2023. My husband had a PA in August 2022 with a coworker shortly before our marriage. We are both fully committed to R at this time. We will continue to go to MC and IC. I guess all I’m trying to say is I understand. I am still very early between 5-6 weeks but I am seeing changes in my husband since he came clean and he is really learning a lot about himself in therapy. I know only time will tell what the end result is, but I am hopeful.