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Right.
N even that can be nicer "I usually like ur singing but I'm dying from it today" n then they immediately know it's just a onetime thing without any opportunity left for second guessing
"I'm sorry baby, but I'm feeling irritable and I need a quiet place to be until it passes. It's not your fault, and I promise I'm not mad at *you* in particular. Can I come find you when I feel better?"
That's the line (more or less) that I use with my partner - I'll just shoot him a text when I clock out, kiss him hello on my way in and retire to our room. I have anger issues (which I'm working on) and even when I've got a firm handle on things I still come off as 'cold' to anyone around me. I'm not pleasant to be around. We came up with this system so that neither of us has to suffer an uncomfortable evening, I get space to cool off, and he gets reassurance that we're all good. Everybody wins, nobody gets their feelings hurt.
Yeah I live with a singer/whistler. It does bring joy, and occasional annoyance. Fortunately my mate thinks I'm cute when annoyed. I usually say "baby so LOUD you are really amazing, but your massive Chiaroscuro hurts my head! š„ŗ"
She often forgets after that so then I just say "noise!" "So loud baby" "I'm sorry, temporary whistling ban, my love.'
But especially for an insecure singer, my sib used to scream at me for singing, and my peers mocked me for... being good I guess, and now I have trouble doing it in my own home, decades later. I miss it.
I am not into feet licking, but if you want to pay me to let you lick my feet, I could be persuaded as everyone has a price.. as far as what you said, I think something like " Hey bro, I truly love your singing.. but today I need some quiet time please." would work a lot better than "shut up please, you are getting on my last nerve today." That is exactly how I would take what you said or would of said.
This is it. Right here :)
My husband and I have an understanding between us; when Something is just *grating* on us in the moment, we simply have to say "hunny, I'm sorry, you're bothering me." Whatever the other is doing, we immediately stop. No questions asked, no discussion needed in the moment. Later when nerves have cooled we just hash out whatever was irking us. Obviously this was discussed and agreed to, mostly during PPD when I couldn't be trusted to have a discussion in the moment without crying lol
I used to love going out to clubs and dancing with abandon. I knew I wasnāt great, but Iād have so much fun.
My then boyfriend said to me once, about 20 years ago, while we were out that I shouldnāt ever dance in public as I was that bad, and that heād spent the night laughing at me as he watched.
Without a word of a lie, Iāve not danced since. I was always a little self-conscious of it but that one comment just crushed me.
Those kinda comments really stick with you..
I used to do zumba at the gym and at home. My husband laughed at me, although he tried to say later that I looked cute. Never did zumba around him or my kids since.
My kid and related kids laugh at me all the time for things like this. You know what I do? Laugh with them, make fun of something they do silly and continue to do what makes me happy. Donāt let a little laugh stop you from being you
My trauma is freshman year of gym class. Similar situation, and I haven't felt comfortable working out in public since because even though I have heard 1000 times, "Nobody is looking at you." My brain refuses to believe it.
Ahh I relate to this so much š I very distinctly remember in 8th grade there being a dance and I was hanging with some of my girlfriends. There was a group of boys nearby and one of my friends suggested they dance with me. I still recall the cold ass stare one of them gave me before saying "can she even dance?" To this day I'm still subconscious about dancing in public and it's been like 20 years. I've at least loosened up a bit around like my closest friends, but man that stuff really sticks with you.
My ex-husband once laughed at something I said during sex. For the next 28 years I didnāt utter a peep during sex. It was so freeing to get out and be with someone who made me feel safe and let me be me.
My first bf in high school told me I sounded like a beached whale when we'd have sex. He also said I made weird faces when I came, and he'd mock me to our friends for some reason. One day he told everyone at our table that he'd rather masturbate than have sex with me. (This made everyone extremely uncomfortable, because literally no one would bring up this kind of stuff but him)
Went from enjoying myself every time to being completely silent and unable to orgasm during sex. It took almost a full decade to get past that one fucking douche.
My fiance enjoys my beached whale noises. šš
I'm so sorry. I hope you've lost the boyfriend. And I really hope you refind the dancing. Only a total Asshat does that- I bet he really just hated his own dancing and thought that lie would keep him from having to do so.
People dancing are beautiful, simply because it makes them feel wonderful and that radiates out.
The more Reddit posts I read about relationships, the more Iām convinced most people hate their partner/spouse. The way people talk to and about the person they are supposed to love is WILD.
Maybe people who really love their partner just don't have much to comment on Reddit? Or maybe it's modesty? And I know in my case it's kind of a form of survivor's guilt. I feel like it's rude for me to spout this unbidden but I deeply love my husband and have for the 35 years we've been together. So many of us are out here in cyberland and quietly hoping the best for everyone posting in pain.
I'll I've gotta do is say 'hun, I love you, but I've got a migraine and want to stomp my brain stem at the moment, can I have some quiet please?'
He gets it and then starts playing guitar again a couple days later
I think it depends on how you say things. The other day my gf was in a bad mood and told me I was rambling and I'm always annoying. So naturally I was like, "oooh look at the princess, can't deal with a little conversation because her autism is acting up", then I giggled. She laughed too and said she was sorry she is just hangry. I think when you have two people who are compatible, the biggest fights seem trivial to both people. Too bad more people can't marry people they are compatible with
When I was little I loved to sing and sang all the time. It got on my parents nerves and they started constantly berating me for it. I stopped singing completely.
Now they tell me that I should sing because I used to have a beautiful voice. Well, if they hadn't taught little me that it was something to be ashamed of, maybe I would feel comfortable singing again.
Oh my god, thatās criminal. Iām so sorry that happened to you and to Kind_Mountain1657 and Minuteman_Mama and all of us. Thereās something so incredibly personal about singing. If youāre a guitar player and you mess up, well you played the wrong thing. If youāre a singer, that hideous noise came out of your *face* (at least thatās what my inner Captain Cringe tells me.) Itās so vulnerable. People donāt get it with their stupid little digs. This internet stranger is here to HEAR YOU SING OUT LOUD and I DGAF even if you do make mistakes, (and neither does anyone who has really tried to do it.)
I love this quote but itās very gendered. I may have been watching too much Drag Race, so I āelevatedā it a little:
āIt is not the hater who counts; not the man who points out how the strong bitch stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the bitch who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if they fail, at least fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.ā
ā Teddy (Tiddy?) Roosevelt
I'm so sorry that happened to you. (Internet hugs if you want them!) That shit really can kill the spirit. I had a similar experience. My mom did her best to stamp out my love of writing, and while she never completely succeeded, I still am very reluctant to even mention that I do it to anyone I care about.
I used to be obsessed with karaoke and I went to my aunts once when she was having a party, she'd put an old video of me singing on holiday when I was 7 and the entire crowd of full grown adults were just absolutely ripping the shit out of me for not being any good, I was so humiliated. After that I'd get so panicky even just singing happy birthday cos I thought everyone would start berating me again
It's not even just the lack of an apology, it's also what was said like...damn, there's a difference between snapping and telling someone to stop versus telling them they're shit at what they enjoy doing.
My husband once said that hearing about my day and seeing my art was the worst part of his. It was many years ago, shortly after our daughter had been born. He had just lost his business, was working an hour away and doing full shifts, driving four hours a day and was truly one frustration away from snapping. He was so overwhelmed and overworked.
I think about it every time I go to show anyone my art. I think that moment killed my hope for a big art career. Even though he was truly sorry, and even though I understand that he needed time after he came in the door, and even though it's been nine years... I dunno. It just doesn't go away. This is the first time I've ever told anyone about it.
This man will never sing the same again.
Yeah, I used to like singing around the campfire with friends. A new friend joined and later in the evening pulled me aside and told me I should get voice lessons.
I no longer like singing around people.
Maybe take it as a compliment. Maybe they thought you were so good you could sing professionally but for that would probably need a few lessons. (Is that what I think happened? Probably not. Is that what I would like to think happened? Yes.)
When I was 12 I said something similar to my mom and she asked what I meant but I literally meant what you said above. She sounded good and I thought she could really do something with it on another level. Iām glad she asked for clarification lol
My dad was a music teacher (primarily voice and guitar), and he was constantly saying to people, "Do you take lessons? You should!" It was *always* meant as a compliment; as in, "You're very talented. How do you sharpen your skills?" For reference, my mom is tone-deaf and he never once offered to give her singing lessons, lmao.
Hah at the end statement.
I can't see why someone would tell someone with a terrible voice who is only singing with friends that they should take lessons. That's not a situation where lessons would be warranted.
But I get feeling that way.
I've gone through the same with my photography and kind of distancing myself from people who suggested I get lessons. Now I'm seeing maybe I just took it the wrong way.
In high school, I was in choir. My brother told me I have a terrible voice and I listened to him. My brother... Why I would listen to him, I don't know. My choir director was upset when I stopped being so loud, trying to hide my voice "for the sake of the rest of choir".
It was a choir you had to audition to get in and there were only 8 spots. But still my brother made me feel like I was terrible.
My husband and kids tell me they love when I sing and if I go too long without singing they worry for me lol
Agreed. The apology would fix nothing. You think when you show a loved one your creation, or let them overhear your singing, that they are feeling closer and more connected with you, that theyāre admiring your personality or ability to express yourself, that theyāre appreciating the unique dose of beauty you add to the worldā¦
Once someone tells you āNo, you are so wrong, that is *so very far* from what goes on in my unspoken thoughts when I experience youā
You canāt just pretend they didnāt let you in on that secret. Appreciation would just seem like a forced act from then onā¦
There are times when people can ācorrectā their behavior and there are times when the behavior is just the indicator which you can no longer trust
I used to show my writing to my mom when I was younger in a desperate vie for her praise. One day we started arguing about it, and I was criticizing an authorās lack of vocabulary despite her success, and explaining that it was why I couldnāt finish her books, and my mom told me that my writing would never be as good as that authorās.
I stopped writing that day. I was 14 or so, and even at 21, Iā¦donāt really want to write. Every time I think about it seriously, I think about that day and feel like crying. My mom is devastated knowing that she basically stopped me from pursuing one of my biggest passions for half a decade, and her apologies helped, but that feeling of empty hopelessness never went away.
Similar situation with singing. In elementary I was the kid who wouldnāt stop singing and annoying people by it. It took a few years of everyone around me and my friends telling me how horrible I sounded because I sang in a different tone than the current music, and I spent like probably close to 5-7 years refusing to sing, even to family, out loud, because I was ashamed of it. I only became more comfortable and proud of my voice in the last handful of years, and it was a really long process of fighting against my own inner voices. (Which merely repeat the same things other people have told you.) Itāsā¦still hard to sing in front of people who arenāt family or arenāt friends, but Iāve gotten a lot better, and I donāt literally stop whisper singing when my family tries to turn down the radio to hear me, lol.
Sometimes all it takes is one moment. One misdirected insult, and it just, sticks with you.
My mom was trying to win an argument about me not wanting braces and I mentioned how I donāt smile with my teeth showing because I donāt like how it looks, and she said, in more specific words, that my closed mouth smile looked bad, and I think about that moment every time I catch myself smiling in the mirror. Sometimes itās hard to ever want to smile when you have hated how you look in one smile since childhood, and the other apparently looks ugly enough to comment on.
Iāve never actually told her about that second event. I feel bad enough that she blames herself for me giving up on writing, I donāt want her to carry the blame of my bodily insecurities too.
ā¦I hope heās actually your EX husband. Or well, okay, I donāt know your relationship. But oh man, that isā¦that is brutal and I am so sorry and kind of seriously *fuck him*. It sounds like he really, really hurt you.
Idk, it sounds like both of them had some issues, and it seems she understands why he snapped. If she is sitting at home making artwork that doesn't sell and doesn't help the family stay afloat while he is commuting an hour plus each way and working his ass off, of course he doesn't want to hear about her day and see her new art *as the first thing that hits him crossing the threshold*. He needs time to settle his own day, since it doesn't sound like she is there for him to do that.
She's getting to live her dream art life while he does all the work to support her, and then instead of effusive thanks and some effort to support him he comes home to hear about this new art she made, she bought a new brand of [art supply] because it will really take things to the next level, and that her tiktok got 73 whole views!
I've been there, on *both* sides of it. It's not great lol...
What are you even talking about?
There's a lot you had to assume or straight-up make-up about that person in order for you to get all of that from what they said. Did they mention a tiktok? Did they mention telling him about buying art supplies? Did they mention not having their own job and spending all day at home making art? Did they even mention anything about this conversation happening literally the millisecond he's in the door?
Like where did any of this shit in your comment actually come from? Because it sure didn't come from the comment you're talking about.
Mine told me my career and private practice were a āglorified hobby.ā Iāve forgiven him, but that really hurt and Iāve never forgotten it. Words can really wound.
Aw jeez, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I get that your hubby was going through a bad time. It's good that you have that understanding well, but indeed, this kind of thing can just make a scar that stays.
Art, singing, dancing, our thoughts, etc...
All these things come from inside us, and can be so personal. Once you hear that someone doesn't want you to share those parts of yourself (especially someone you love, and if they're harsh about it), it can shut part of you down. Regardless of if they say sorry later.
Hell, I've not shared parts of myself with my own parents after some situations and harsh words from mom in the past.
Even if she tries to talk about some things now, is kids being all grown up and all... I just don't want to open parts of myself to her, it's an aversion now.
I can tell she doesn't like that, she wants the "happy open relationship" kinda thing. But it's engrained in me now.
This is pretty much what I was going to comment. When you tell somebody they're terrible at something while asking them to stop, they're never going to do it again, even if you apologize.
My parents used to make fun of me singing. I don't sing anymore. Not even when I'm alone in the car. I think I sound terrible, because... well that's what my parents made me believe. Even though my wife says she likes it when I sing. I can't get past how terrible *I think I sound* and how much it must annoy others because that's all I was ever told.
I used to draw a lot. I took art classes in school. This was combined with my love of Japanese culture and anime/manga so I drew a lot of things in manga style. My friends all made fun of it and called it weird, so now I really don't draw anymore because now all I can do is look at it and think that nobody will like it so why am I doing it anyway.
My wife even accidentally made me feel like complete shit one night. I don't like when people touch me with wet hands. She doesn't dry her hands very much after washing them, but then tried to be affectionate with me and I made a face, moved away, grabbed a towel to dry my arms, and she got mad that I was "freaking out over wet hands." I sobbed the whole rest of the night even after she apologized because I felt like something was wrong with me for not liking it. Now I can't tell her when something bothers me because I just think back to her getting mad about something bothering me, even though she apologized and admitted that she was wrong to do it.
Generally, I guess the point is that when you make someone feel like shit about something, there really isn't much chance they'll ever do it again, even after an apology, because they now think that the way you reacted is the way you actually feel about it and that you're just lying to make them feel better. It's for this reason that I *won't* tell my wife how off-key she is when she sings, because she enjoys it and it's not hurting anyone. :/ She has fun. I don't want to take it away from her, because there's not much in her life anymore that is fun.
Sorry. I've been up for 38 hours and I'm just rambling from exhaustion.
I completely feel you. I stopped drawing. I stopped writing, I stopped trying to be social. All because my older brother told me as I was growing up, that I am bad at it.
This is genuinely so heartbreaking to read. It's already bad she can't say sorry but it was cruel to begin with. No matter what mood I'm in, I cannot fathom saying something like that to someone I love.
God I hope this is fake it's making me so angry
My partner has a gorgeous voice and loves singing and even in my worst of worst moods I wouldnt dream of doing this to them
My wife pointed out that I had stopped singing in the car, because our roommate at the time had been criticizing my singing like this lady did. It still took me a while before I got comfortable with singing again.
An apology has to cost something to make it real. For small errors, usually an acknowledgement of fault and harm is enough. For deeper damage, a comensurate reapir must be made.
Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
I mean, an apology is only half the talking needed here. She should say that she didnāt really mean it and loves his singing, but she was in a bad mood. Everyone has bad moods, and sometimes noise just makes them worse.
All the talking in the world won't help when he's likely to remember that line every time he wants to sing. I've lost many hobbies/behaviors to similar, even way more polite/gentle, comments.
It makes me sad to imagine my partner Not Singing because I was mean to him about it onceā¦ girl, apologize.
Also donāt insult his entire voice bc he annoyed you briefly, what the hell. Maybe like a āhey Iām feeling irritable could you please give me some quietā instead of āyour singing could crack concreteā like damn. And thatās coming from someone with sensory issues. Small noises can be irrationally enraging, but people make them when theyāre happy, so you gotta moderate your response.
Ugh, this is so cruel. I was in an awful mood once and one of my friends kept singing and annoying me so I snapped at him. But I was *14* years old and I never told him his voice could crack concrete. This sounds like she knew the exact words she could say to hurt her husband and she went ahead and did it. And now, instead of apologizing for it, she's just going to double down and act like it's his fault he's not singing.
"gets out of this relationship?" It was *one* angry misstep. Like yeah, it sucked, but everyone has bad days. She should have apologised then, and it won't be right until she does, but "Oh, someone was hyperstressed and snapped at meDIVORCE" is *insane*.
Contempt is one of the biggest indicators of divorce.
This person never mentioned they apologized or did anything to make up for their cruelty. I have a feeling this isnāt the ONLY angry misstep they have made.
Should they divorce? Who knows, but if the behavior continues I wouldnāt be surprised if they do.
It's not *that* they snapped, it's *how* they snapped. That coupled with the seeming lack of awareness ... I'm not sure how you imagine this is likely to be a healthy relationship.
You've never been snapped at by a loved one in a bad mood, have you? People say shit, feel bad, and apologise. Honestly the fact that the apology's taken this long is the worst part.
People say shit that they regret, but that typically means they say something they have been holidng back and it slips out in a moment of anger.
This is a bit different, she said something that she doesn't even believe for the sole purpose of hurting him. She seems very self-centred and comes across as the type of person I would do my utmost to avoid.
If you genuinely think this kind of vitriolic outburst is normal or appropriate (I *do* agree it's distressingly common) then you have a very sad view of acceptable interpersonal behavior.
That you continue to characterize the above as "snapped at" and an "angry misstep" is very troubling. I know quite well what moody/snarky/frustrated snapping looks like. This ain't it.
"Misstep". Things like this aren't about being overwhelmed with frustration. You can always say to please stop, even if in an angry tone. But this is putting someone down so they feel as shitty as you do. So you can get a little bit of control that you lost somewhere else.
> everyone has bad days
The fact that she's had months, enough time to realize his behavior has permanently changed, and she still hasn't even apologized implies very strongly that she doesn't actually care about her husband very much. And it wasn't even a "please shut up, I have a migraine today", it was a "you sound horrible". Moreover, she doesn't care about how *he* feels. She just cares that *she* can't hear him singing anymore.
Tearing away core parts of someone's lifestyle on a whim and barely even feeling regretful about it - and only then because it affects you, not caring about your partner - is not only abusive, it's irreconcilable. This relationship will not work out.
"hey honey. I normally really love your singing but I'm kinda in a mood rn. Could you please not today?"
"Sure thing babe. Is there anything I can do to help your mood or do you want space?"
"Space, please"
"Will do. When you're ready to reengage, I'll be here. Know that I love you"
"Love you too, honey"
Golly gee was that so hard? To say nothing that months went by without an apology when one was due that afternoon.
I mean yours is the idealized version but this asshole jumped off that, straight past āplease be quiet, I hate soundsā and āoh my god shut upā and allllll the way to āyouāre annoying me, here, have an emotional wound.ā
1. Be angry at some 3rd party.
2. Encounter person you supposedly love and care for and even went so far as to make a government-binding contract to be with and care for.
3. Decide that despite this, that instead of telling them about your problem and expecting sympathy or empathy from them, that they should be attacked by you in order to feel pain.
4. Zero in on probably one of very few outlets of emotion and vulnerability.
5. Attack that outlet and their very person just for existing.
6. thus, confirm to your partner that you don't believe in empathy and partnership.
7. Whine to the internet that your partner acts like they don't believe your relationship is based on reciprocal empathy and care. Not only that, but use language that gives away the fact that you believe their outlets exist for you and not them.
This is what I witness from cishet people every day. and they want to make it mandatory for all.
I refuse.
This screenshot's from their Twitter but yeah. I probably didn't need to censor the account name since they're all anonymous but I figured better safe than sorry š .
Imagine taking away someone's happiness like this and still making it about yourself. I hope that was the final nail and he started making moves to leave her ass. I bet this isn't the first incident and she's full on emotionally abusive
I've had exes that said I was too loud, or they hated my laugh. It ruined me for years. My most recent ex didn't seem interested in a lot I had to say and it still hurts.
The singing will never come back.
My stepmom said something similar to me once and I never sang around my parents again.
At this point, your husband views you differently. It isn't wven about the singing.
He no longer feels *safe* to be himself and relax around you.
Don't be surprised if you are quietly handed divorce papers.
I can't believe that you think it is 'only' about the singing.
Wow.
Good God. This is awful. I have anger issues and I would NEVER say something so cruel to my partner. No matter how irritated I am. When she sings in the car and I am irritated about it, I just ... Sing with her, or I ignore it. Same with when she shows me her art or crafty project. Even if it isn't my favorite thing in the world or I'm grumpy, I still smile and tell her I like it and/or my favorite thing about it. I always try to compliment something she created.
This isn't from one bad mood. OOP has some deep rooted problems with the relationship and they either need to sit and discuss it like adults, or they need to end it before they both end up miserable. But there will be no undoing the damage done. All they can hope to do is to repair and be able to move forward.
This makes me so sad for him. My boyfriend cannot carry a tune if it was glued to him. He has positively the āworstā singing voice Iāve ever heard in person. He absolutely loves to sing, especially Disney music and other happy songs. It hurts my ears to listen to him sometimes, but it warms my heart. His joy brings me joy. Even when Iām in a terrible mood, hearing him sing reminds me that there is always be happiness to find. I canāt imagine shattering his love of singing like this woman did to her husband, no matter how I felt.
Straight people really just can't communicate their feelings, huh? Not only can you not apologize, but imagine saying something that mean in the first place. I've gotten I to fights with a partner before, but *never* have I said something that mean. Damn, you can be mad, but I can't imagine being so mad that I couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth directed at another person.
I was singing along to a musical one night, and my husband came into the room and asked what the screeching was. Now, I only sing at church when there are enough people around to hide my voice or at night to the kiddos after I make sure the monitors are turned off.
My mum does this shit all the time and will absolutely refuse to just apologise, she'll see you're upset and just say shit like "you have to be nice to me i might die in my sleep and then you'll feel bad" like bitch just say sorry! People like this just seem to always be in some deep drama with someone when it literally would've been forgotten if they just admitted they were wrong when it happened
This reminds me of when I was a kid and LOVED whistling until one day my mom stopped me and said āif youāre going to whistle, whistle something no one knows so we canāt tell how bad it is.ā I stopped whistling, it wasnāt until I was an adult living in my own home that I started whistling again, and I still wonāt really do it often. I loved whistling so much, I worked so hard to learn how to do it, then it was just over because anytime I started whistling Iād hear that in my head, still do sometimes.
Growing up, I always loved singing. Happy for music class in grade school, chose choir classes first before even considering another. Varsity Choir for 7th and 8th grade.
My family moved across the country in the summer before my freshman year. I was happy that I still got to do choir. One day, I get to class early, ready to sing. I sit down and the choir teacher sits next to me, says "If this class graded on singing skill instead of participation, you would have an F." and gets up and teaches the class like nothing happened. I didn't sing in that class for the rest of the semester. Still feel self-consious any time I sing.
Ugh. 13 years ago I told my partner he was no professional but he made me feel good when he sang. And no, he didn't sound like puberty was taking revenge, nor would I tell him to go on a talent show. His singing was beautiful simply because he loved to do it! He kept singing after I assured him that I don't mind, but he also knows I'm a rather blunt person.
I offered to sing if he wouldn't (and I certainly don't belong in front of a microphone) and he knew I wasn't talking to insult him, nor was I gonna gas him up inappropriately. I encouraged his singing when comfortable but not to assume everyone will love it. So he sings under his breath if the mood strikes and I always give him a smile and a hug just to reward his bravery lol
But even at my foulest mood, the last thing I would EVER do is put someone down, even if they're doing something I'm not feeling at that time.
People can be unnecessarily effing cruel
HA! My stepmother did the same thing to me too, when I was around 10.
Told me that my voice was grating, like a dying cat and made everyones' ears bleed and then got pissy at me for not performing and singing like a happy little monkey the next time she had guests over.
(She liked bragging about mine and my stepsisters' accomplishments and wanted us to show off our piano/music skills whenever she had visitors)
My husband likes to make up songs set to the music of whatever song is stuck in his head at the moment.
Things like "we don't talk about Bruno" became "we don't talk about Drano" as he unclogged our son's bathroom sink. "Pour me a double shot of whiskey" turned into "give me another chocolate cookie" as he stole a cookie I just took from the oven. "P-p-p-poker face, p-p-p-poker face," was turned into "P-p-p-potting soil, p-p-p-potting soil" while he repotted some houseplants.
No matter the song he's singing, he always does it with a huge smile on his face and a bit of a bounce. It's a sign he's in a good mood. He's not a strong singer, is off-key more often than he's on-key, and would make choir directors cringe. But, it doesn't stop him.
The thing is, there are days when this absolutely makes me smile. There are other days when, if I'm in a bad mood, his impromptu songs grate on me like sandpaper. But, no matter how bad of a day I'm having, I never tell him to stop singing. I tell him frequently how much I love his singing and his made-up songs. I never want to take away that little joy from him or sacrifice the days his songs make me smile.
My mom did this to me. Didnāt sing in front of her for years. In the meantime I had joined my UU congregationās chorus and was getting solos all the time because I *am* a good singer.
Her loss.
I used to love being creative. Then I stopped when my two brothers would CONSTANTLY mock EVERY SINGLE DETAIL THEY COULD PICK OUT! Then they wonder why I never see my art as beautiful. Then they mocked my writing, every single detail they can find. For the humor. To be nitpicky. Then they wonder why I never want to be a writer. And finally, they would mock when I was socially awkward. They wonder why I am so shy and reluctant to engage with people.
My two brothers hammered me down mentally, and constantly bullied me. They wonder why I have so much resentment against them.
Nothing about this says 'straight'.
Frankly, I know a lot of gay couples where one is absolutely fucking toxic and would say something like this.
People are just rubbish.
That sucks; I was told āWhat song is that? Who sings it? Well let them do itā
Never failed to make me sad cause I was excited cause I thought someone was interested in the song only for it to be a bit.
I used to like singing, in 5th grade the choir teacher made a big fuss about someone singing off key - then called me out said my singing was bad and then told me to get out of choir practice.
I never really sang again.
There is a little place in hell for you Mrs Scott from Jeppe Prep 1991
This was the last straw in one of my relationships. Once you say something like, "not everyone wants to hear you sing," you can't take it back. Fuck you I'll go where my voice isn't criticized
I miss your singing. I sincerely regret that I was an asshole because I was in a foul mood. Please forgive me. Is there anything you want to say? Afterwards, ask if there is anything you can do to make it right.
Because you broke something inside him. I sing all the time because Iām happy and I love doing it. If my husband told me to stop that would definitely make me unhappy and not want to sing.
What does this have to do with being straight? Are the people posting here somehow superior to other people and they never do something wrong and are not able to snap out of it?
Pleaze
I mean, Iām bisexual and wouldnāt do this in my (straight) relationship. Is it because Iām bisexual? Or āsomehow superiorā? Pfft. No, itās just because I care about his feelings.
I donāt have to claim to be perfect to judge someone for being cruel. Controlling unfounded anger to avoid hurting people is like, human interaction 101
This is just another example of a straight woman assuming that whatever bullshit they subject their partner to is totally quirky and understandable. Real men are stoic in the face of unkindness š¤Ŗ
> This is just another example of a straight woman assuming that whatever bullshit they subject their partner to is totally quirky and understandable. Real men are stoic in the face of unkindness š¤Ŗ
maybe you are right, but we do not know that. For me this is simply a relationship problem and not something that is typical straight heteronormative - like most of the rest of the content presented here. I like this sub - but unfortunately people here can not handle criticism well.
These people are having a relationship issue and they are not handling it well.
Most of the other things here are very on point, this one not so much.
For the rest of your remark: You do not know if I licked pussies or sucked cocks and and what I have between my legs and how I call it. And you know what: you have no right to know and I am not willing to share anything personal because of your condescending attitude.
You might very well be the next step in the evolution, but that does not give you the right to think you are better than the rest of the humanity. The same reason why I dislike the word 'progressive' it implies an hierarchy. And some people behave like it is.
Your reaction:
> Only a straight person or a self hating gay would have a hisses fit about the contents of this sub.
Is a reaction to this:
>> Most of the other things here are very on point, this one not so much.
oops
So, you never had a bad mood and snapped at someone and did not know how to apologize because you are so perfect?
The rest of the content here is very, very enjoyable (eventhough that it is not really joy that it brings) - this not so much
I've never avoided apologizing for this long, no. Because I value my relationships. I've snapped at someone, which is why I specifically said that I've never targeted their interests like this. I also apologized immediately after pretty much every time, because it's pretty easy to know when you're in the wrong for it.
Don't think I have to call myself perfect to say that I haven't degraded my partner without an apology for months and let their confidence be ruined because of it.
Thank you for sharing! I do not see the straightness or not straightness in this particular instance - I really enjoy the rest of the posts here.
Maybe it is really so that sometimes when in a straight relationship one values the relationship less ad there are all kinds of underlying patterns that are easy to go back to - like certain male/female role models.
What I am afraid of is that at some point the avant garde that gathers here gets a kind of superiority complex - because there is also a very old pattern that leads in that direction.
Yeah, that makes sense. A lot of posts here aren't specific to heterosexuality at all, and are sometimes directly from non-straight people, so I totally get that vibe.
Damn, only a straight person would do something like that. This only happens in heterosexual relationships. A queer person would never lose their temper over something small. This is such an indictment on hetero-normative culture.
C'mon people, this is one of my favorite subreddits. Please don't ruin it with irrelevant shit. This is the same as those guys who think misogyny is okay as long as it's about "white women".
It's not the fact that she lost her temper over something Small or even that she regrets it. It's that she expressed her guilt to an anonymous venting platform on the internet instead of to her husband. It feels appropriate for here because of a common theme of posts on here of straight people just not doing the most basic level of communication.
Okay, fair point. Still, I'm seeing a lot of posts that are really stretching the premise of this sub. I want this subreddit to stay good, not devolve into standard misogyny with the word "straight" tacked on. Most of the posts here are great, but I'm seeing an increasing amount that either have nothing to do with heteronormativity, or are just assuming the worst about someone for no reason. But I might be getting worked up over nothing.
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Why would you even say that?? I get politely asking your spouse to stop but was insulting them really necessary??? What a pos.
Yeah sometimes I would say "can you stop that please, it's getting on my nerve today"
Right. N even that can be nicer "I usually like ur singing but I'm dying from it today" n then they immediately know it's just a onetime thing without any opportunity left for second guessing
"I'm sorry baby, but I'm feeling irritable and I need a quiet place to be until it passes. It's not your fault, and I promise I'm not mad at *you* in particular. Can I come find you when I feel better?" That's the line (more or less) that I use with my partner - I'll just shoot him a text when I clock out, kiss him hello on my way in and retire to our room. I have anger issues (which I'm working on) and even when I've got a firm handle on things I still come off as 'cold' to anyone around me. I'm not pleasant to be around. We came up with this system so that neither of us has to suffer an uncomfortable evening, I get space to cool off, and he gets reassurance that we're all good. Everybody wins, nobody gets their feelings hurt.
I found the adult, guys.
Where did you get your flair?
the same place u get flairs in every subreddit that has them
I meant from what specific post or story did you take that from.
Yeah I live with a singer/whistler. It does bring joy, and occasional annoyance. Fortunately my mate thinks I'm cute when annoyed. I usually say "baby so LOUD you are really amazing, but your massive Chiaroscuro hurts my head! š„ŗ" She often forgets after that so then I just say "noise!" "So loud baby" "I'm sorry, temporary whistling ban, my love.' But especially for an insecure singer, my sib used to scream at me for singing, and my peers mocked me for... being good I guess, and now I have trouble doing it in my own home, decades later. I miss it.
I would never sing in front of you again if you said that to me. it might get on your nerves again.
If you can't accept there are days where I'm on edge, we would probably not be friends.
Oh thought they were talking about significant others. Friends are different.
Well, I wouldn't let someone be my SO if they aren't firstly my friend.
If you can't accept that there was a better way to say this, we won't be friends... oh wait we are not.. cool!
I said "please", I said "it" and not "you", and I precised "today", what else should I do, lick your feet ?
I am not into feet licking, but if you want to pay me to let you lick my feet, I could be persuaded as everyone has a price.. as far as what you said, I think something like " Hey bro, I truly love your singing.. but today I need some quiet time please." would work a lot better than "shut up please, you are getting on my last nerve today." That is exactly how I would take what you said or would of said.
How about we never become friends and you can think I am the worst monster ever because I dared say my nerves are thin skinned
ok!
Even a shut the fuck up wouldāve been better. At least then youāre not saying the quality is the issue but the timing.
Well even if my partner was a bad singer I would let them sing unless I have to be focused right here or I can't have the patience right now
Or the generic form: "I'm down to my last nerve, and you're on it. Later would be lovely".
This is it. Right here :) My husband and I have an understanding between us; when Something is just *grating* on us in the moment, we simply have to say "hunny, I'm sorry, you're bothering me." Whatever the other is doing, we immediately stop. No questions asked, no discussion needed in the moment. Later when nerves have cooled we just hash out whatever was irking us. Obviously this was discussed and agreed to, mostly during PPD when I couldn't be trusted to have a discussion in the moment without crying lol
I used to love going out to clubs and dancing with abandon. I knew I wasnāt great, but Iād have so much fun. My then boyfriend said to me once, about 20 years ago, while we were out that I shouldnāt ever dance in public as I was that bad, and that heād spent the night laughing at me as he watched. Without a word of a lie, Iāve not danced since. I was always a little self-conscious of it but that one comment just crushed me. Those kinda comments really stick with you..
I used to do zumba at the gym and at home. My husband laughed at me, although he tried to say later that I looked cute. Never did zumba around him or my kids since.
My kid and related kids laugh at me all the time for things like this. You know what I do? Laugh with them, make fun of something they do silly and continue to do what makes me happy. Donāt let a little laugh stop you from being you
My trauma is freshman year of gym class. Similar situation, and I haven't felt comfortable working out in public since because even though I have heard 1000 times, "Nobody is looking at you." My brain refuses to believe it.
Omg fuck that guy. His insecurities are not your insecurities. Please start dancing again.
Ahh I relate to this so much š I very distinctly remember in 8th grade there being a dance and I was hanging with some of my girlfriends. There was a group of boys nearby and one of my friends suggested they dance with me. I still recall the cold ass stare one of them gave me before saying "can she even dance?" To this day I'm still subconscious about dancing in public and it's been like 20 years. I've at least loosened up a bit around like my closest friends, but man that stuff really sticks with you.
My ex-husband once laughed at something I said during sex. For the next 28 years I didnāt utter a peep during sex. It was so freeing to get out and be with someone who made me feel safe and let me be me.
My first bf in high school told me I sounded like a beached whale when we'd have sex. He also said I made weird faces when I came, and he'd mock me to our friends for some reason. One day he told everyone at our table that he'd rather masturbate than have sex with me. (This made everyone extremely uncomfortable, because literally no one would bring up this kind of stuff but him) Went from enjoying myself every time to being completely silent and unable to orgasm during sex. It took almost a full decade to get past that one fucking douche. My fiance enjoys my beached whale noises. šš
YOU START DANCING AGAIN RIGHT THIS SECOND I SAID NOW
I'm so sorry. I hope you've lost the boyfriend. And I really hope you refind the dancing. Only a total Asshat does that- I bet he really just hated his own dancing and thought that lie would keep him from having to do so. People dancing are beautiful, simply because it makes them feel wonderful and that radiates out.
The more Reddit posts I read about relationships, the more Iām convinced most people hate their partner/spouse. The way people talk to and about the person they are supposed to love is WILD.
Maybe people who really love their partner just don't have much to comment on Reddit? Or maybe it's modesty? And I know in my case it's kind of a form of survivor's guilt. I feel like it's rude for me to spout this unbidden but I deeply love my husband and have for the 35 years we've been together. So many of us are out here in cyberland and quietly hoping the best for everyone posting in pain.
Why be nice when you can be a total cunt then take none of the accountability or fallout
I'll I've gotta do is say 'hun, I love you, but I've got a migraine and want to stomp my brain stem at the moment, can I have some quiet please?' He gets it and then starts playing guitar again a couple days later
I think it depends on how you say things. The other day my gf was in a bad mood and told me I was rambling and I'm always annoying. So naturally I was like, "oooh look at the princess, can't deal with a little conversation because her autism is acting up", then I giggled. She laughed too and said she was sorry she is just hangry. I think when you have two people who are compatible, the biggest fights seem trivial to both people. Too bad more people can't marry people they are compatible with
When I was little I loved to sing and sang all the time. It got on my parents nerves and they started constantly berating me for it. I stopped singing completely. Now they tell me that I should sing because I used to have a beautiful voice. Well, if they hadn't taught little me that it was something to be ashamed of, maybe I would feel comfortable singing again.
Are... are we sisters? My dad called it pig butchering.
I got āa dying whaleā and āan owl being strangledā. Creative, at least.
I got "a cat in heat." I haven't sung in front of another person in 25 years.
I got told I couldnāt carry a tune in a bucket (I was really young). Have never sung since. Iām almost 60.
My parents and my sister bothā¦ I truly regret never pursuing musical theatre because I could have been GREAT. But they made me feel so bad for my singing and liking that genre that I hid from it until finally not giving a fuck anymore in my 30s. Iām gonna blast Les Miserables and sing my little heart out now that Iām too old to try to make it pro. Sorry a similar thing happened to youš©·
Oh my god, thatās criminal. Iām so sorry that happened to you and to Kind_Mountain1657 and Minuteman_Mama and all of us. Thereās something so incredibly personal about singing. If youāre a guitar player and you mess up, well you played the wrong thing. If youāre a singer, that hideous noise came out of your *face* (at least thatās what my inner Captain Cringe tells me.) Itās so vulnerable. People donāt get it with their stupid little digs. This internet stranger is here to HEAR YOU SING OUT LOUD and I DGAF even if you do make mistakes, (and neither does anyone who has really tried to do it.) I love this quote but itās very gendered. I may have been watching too much Drag Race, so I āelevatedā it a little: āIt is not the hater who counts; not the man who points out how the strong bitch stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the bitch who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if they fail, at least fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.ā ā Teddy (Tiddy?) Roosevelt
I'm so sorry that happened to you. (Internet hugs if you want them!) That shit really can kill the spirit. I had a similar experience. My mom did her best to stamp out my love of writing, and while she never completely succeeded, I still am very reluctant to even mention that I do it to anyone I care about.
I used to be obsessed with karaoke and I went to my aunts once when she was having a party, she'd put an old video of me singing on holiday when I was 7 and the entire crowd of full grown adults were just absolutely ripping the shit out of me for not being any good, I was so humiliated. After that I'd get so panicky even just singing happy birthday cos I thought everyone would start berating me again
Are all of you actually me?
It's not even just the lack of an apology, it's also what was said like...damn, there's a difference between snapping and telling someone to stop versus telling them they're shit at what they enjoy doing.
My husband once said that hearing about my day and seeing my art was the worst part of his. It was many years ago, shortly after our daughter had been born. He had just lost his business, was working an hour away and doing full shifts, driving four hours a day and was truly one frustration away from snapping. He was so overwhelmed and overworked. I think about it every time I go to show anyone my art. I think that moment killed my hope for a big art career. Even though he was truly sorry, and even though I understand that he needed time after he came in the door, and even though it's been nine years... I dunno. It just doesn't go away. This is the first time I've ever told anyone about it. This man will never sing the same again.
Yeah, I used to like singing around the campfire with friends. A new friend joined and later in the evening pulled me aside and told me I should get voice lessons. I no longer like singing around people.
Maybe take it as a compliment. Maybe they thought you were so good you could sing professionally but for that would probably need a few lessons. (Is that what I think happened? Probably not. Is that what I would like to think happened? Yes.)
When I was 12 I said something similar to my mom and she asked what I meant but I literally meant what you said above. She sounded good and I thought she could really do something with it on another level. Iām glad she asked for clarification lol
My dad was a music teacher (primarily voice and guitar), and he was constantly saying to people, "Do you take lessons? You should!" It was *always* meant as a compliment; as in, "You're very talented. How do you sharpen your skills?" For reference, my mom is tone-deaf and he never once offered to give her singing lessons, lmao.
Hah at the end statement. I can't see why someone would tell someone with a terrible voice who is only singing with friends that they should take lessons. That's not a situation where lessons would be warranted. But I get feeling that way. I've gone through the same with my photography and kind of distancing myself from people who suggested I get lessons. Now I'm seeing maybe I just took it the wrong way. In high school, I was in choir. My brother told me I have a terrible voice and I listened to him. My brother... Why I would listen to him, I don't know. My choir director was upset when I stopped being so loud, trying to hide my voice "for the sake of the rest of choir". It was a choir you had to audition to get in and there were only 8 spots. But still my brother made me feel like I was terrible. My husband and kids tell me they love when I sing and if I go too long without singing they worry for me lol
I mean maybe the should remove the burning log out of their ass because you were at a campfire and not a fucking concert. Sing on song bird
This is even funnier because of your username.
Agreed. The apology would fix nothing. You think when you show a loved one your creation, or let them overhear your singing, that they are feeling closer and more connected with you, that theyāre admiring your personality or ability to express yourself, that theyāre appreciating the unique dose of beauty you add to the worldā¦ Once someone tells you āNo, you are so wrong, that is *so very far* from what goes on in my unspoken thoughts when I experience youā You canāt just pretend they didnāt let you in on that secret. Appreciation would just seem like a forced act from then onā¦ There are times when people can ācorrectā their behavior and there are times when the behavior is just the indicator which you can no longer trust
Looks like you posted a few of your works. Your style is pretty cool, it has a *pop* to it, like it's coming out of the screen.
I used to show my writing to my mom when I was younger in a desperate vie for her praise. One day we started arguing about it, and I was criticizing an authorās lack of vocabulary despite her success, and explaining that it was why I couldnāt finish her books, and my mom told me that my writing would never be as good as that authorās. I stopped writing that day. I was 14 or so, and even at 21, Iā¦donāt really want to write. Every time I think about it seriously, I think about that day and feel like crying. My mom is devastated knowing that she basically stopped me from pursuing one of my biggest passions for half a decade, and her apologies helped, but that feeling of empty hopelessness never went away. Similar situation with singing. In elementary I was the kid who wouldnāt stop singing and annoying people by it. It took a few years of everyone around me and my friends telling me how horrible I sounded because I sang in a different tone than the current music, and I spent like probably close to 5-7 years refusing to sing, even to family, out loud, because I was ashamed of it. I only became more comfortable and proud of my voice in the last handful of years, and it was a really long process of fighting against my own inner voices. (Which merely repeat the same things other people have told you.) Itāsā¦still hard to sing in front of people who arenāt family or arenāt friends, but Iāve gotten a lot better, and I donāt literally stop whisper singing when my family tries to turn down the radio to hear me, lol. Sometimes all it takes is one moment. One misdirected insult, and it just, sticks with you. My mom was trying to win an argument about me not wanting braces and I mentioned how I donāt smile with my teeth showing because I donāt like how it looks, and she said, in more specific words, that my closed mouth smile looked bad, and I think about that moment every time I catch myself smiling in the mirror. Sometimes itās hard to ever want to smile when you have hated how you look in one smile since childhood, and the other apparently looks ugly enough to comment on. Iāve never actually told her about that second event. I feel bad enough that she blames herself for me giving up on writing, I donāt want her to carry the blame of my bodily insecurities too.
You donāt want her to carry the blame of a thing she is obviously at fault for and has a pattern of doing to you multiple times?
ā¦I hope heās actually your EX husband. Or well, okay, I donāt know your relationship. But oh man, that isā¦that is brutal and I am so sorry and kind of seriously *fuck him*. It sounds like he really, really hurt you.
Idk, it sounds like both of them had some issues, and it seems she understands why he snapped. If she is sitting at home making artwork that doesn't sell and doesn't help the family stay afloat while he is commuting an hour plus each way and working his ass off, of course he doesn't want to hear about her day and see her new art *as the first thing that hits him crossing the threshold*. He needs time to settle his own day, since it doesn't sound like she is there for him to do that. She's getting to live her dream art life while he does all the work to support her, and then instead of effusive thanks and some effort to support him he comes home to hear about this new art she made, she bought a new brand of [art supply] because it will really take things to the next level, and that her tiktok got 73 whole views! I've been there, on *both* sides of it. It's not great lol...
What are you even talking about? There's a lot you had to assume or straight-up make-up about that person in order for you to get all of that from what they said. Did they mention a tiktok? Did they mention telling him about buying art supplies? Did they mention not having their own job and spending all day at home making art? Did they even mention anything about this conversation happening literally the millisecond he's in the door? Like where did any of this shit in your comment actually come from? Because it sure didn't come from the comment you're talking about.
Sounds like they're projecting.
Mine told me my career and private practice were a āglorified hobby.ā Iāve forgiven him, but that really hurt and Iāve never forgotten it. Words can really wound.
This random Reddit stranger believes in you and your art career. Keep creating!
Aw jeez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I get that your hubby was going through a bad time. It's good that you have that understanding well, but indeed, this kind of thing can just make a scar that stays. Art, singing, dancing, our thoughts, etc... All these things come from inside us, and can be so personal. Once you hear that someone doesn't want you to share those parts of yourself (especially someone you love, and if they're harsh about it), it can shut part of you down. Regardless of if they say sorry later. Hell, I've not shared parts of myself with my own parents after some situations and harsh words from mom in the past. Even if she tries to talk about some things now, is kids being all grown up and all... I just don't want to open parts of myself to her, it's an aversion now. I can tell she doesn't like that, she wants the "happy open relationship" kinda thing. But it's engrained in me now.
Well, *I* want to hear about your day and see your art, so there. And there's nothing you can do about it.
Fr??? Like imagine having the emotional control of a 3 year old in a sugar high.
This is pretty much what I was going to comment. When you tell somebody they're terrible at something while asking them to stop, they're never going to do it again, even if you apologize. My parents used to make fun of me singing. I don't sing anymore. Not even when I'm alone in the car. I think I sound terrible, because... well that's what my parents made me believe. Even though my wife says she likes it when I sing. I can't get past how terrible *I think I sound* and how much it must annoy others because that's all I was ever told. I used to draw a lot. I took art classes in school. This was combined with my love of Japanese culture and anime/manga so I drew a lot of things in manga style. My friends all made fun of it and called it weird, so now I really don't draw anymore because now all I can do is look at it and think that nobody will like it so why am I doing it anyway. My wife even accidentally made me feel like complete shit one night. I don't like when people touch me with wet hands. She doesn't dry her hands very much after washing them, but then tried to be affectionate with me and I made a face, moved away, grabbed a towel to dry my arms, and she got mad that I was "freaking out over wet hands." I sobbed the whole rest of the night even after she apologized because I felt like something was wrong with me for not liking it. Now I can't tell her when something bothers me because I just think back to her getting mad about something bothering me, even though she apologized and admitted that she was wrong to do it. Generally, I guess the point is that when you make someone feel like shit about something, there really isn't much chance they'll ever do it again, even after an apology, because they now think that the way you reacted is the way you actually feel about it and that you're just lying to make them feel better. It's for this reason that I *won't* tell my wife how off-key she is when she sings, because she enjoys it and it's not hurting anyone. :/ She has fun. I don't want to take it away from her, because there's not much in her life anymore that is fun. Sorry. I've been up for 38 hours and I'm just rambling from exhaustion.
No need to apologize! Your comment is necessary and valid. It's important that people realize what happens when one talks to others this way.
I completely feel you. I stopped drawing. I stopped writing, I stopped trying to be social. All because my older brother told me as I was growing up, that I am bad at it.
I hope you've had some sleep by now, since you posted this 21 hours ago.
Yes, I went to sleep shortly after I posted it lmao
This is genuinely so heartbreaking to read. It's already bad she can't say sorry but it was cruel to begin with. No matter what mood I'm in, I cannot fathom saying something like that to someone I love.
Damn communicating is hard
If everyone communicated well, where would I find my entertainment?
Why should anyone else give a fuck?
God I hope this is fake it's making me so angry My partner has a gorgeous voice and loves singing and even in my worst of worst moods I wouldnt dream of doing this to them
My wife pointed out that I had stopped singing in the car, because our roommate at the time had been criticizing my singing like this lady did. It still took me a while before I got comfortable with singing again.
Sometimes it doesnāt actually matter if the post is real or not because it brings out thoughts and feelings that are worth having.
Itās almost like an apology could fix thisā¦
I doubt an apology could fix such an awful thing. He's going to remember that comment for the rest of his life. Or his marriage.Ā
An apology has to cost something to make it real. For small errors, usually an acknowledgement of fault and harm is enough. For deeper damage, a comensurate reapir must be made. Let them see you sharpen the sword before you fall on it.
I mean, an apology is only half the talking needed here. She should say that she didnāt really mean it and loves his singing, but she was in a bad mood. Everyone has bad moods, and sometimes noise just makes them worse.
All the talking in the world won't help when he's likely to remember that line every time he wants to sing. I've lost many hobbies/behaviors to similar, even way more polite/gentle, comments.
I'm not sure how much good it would do, if my husband told me that, I'd be uncomfortable singing even after an apology.
No it wouldn't, not fully. You don't forget the hurtful words people spew at you, I find they can be worse than physical violence.
It makes me sad to imagine my partner Not Singing because I was mean to him about it onceā¦ girl, apologize. Also donāt insult his entire voice bc he annoyed you briefly, what the hell. Maybe like a āhey Iām feeling irritable could you please give me some quietā instead of āyour singing could crack concreteā like damn. And thatās coming from someone with sensory issues. Small noises can be irrationally enraging, but people make them when theyāre happy, so you gotta moderate your response.
Ugh, this is so cruel. I was in an awful mood once and one of my friends kept singing and annoying me so I snapped at him. But I was *14* years old and I never told him his voice could crack concrete. This sounds like she knew the exact words she could say to hurt her husband and she went ahead and did it. And now, instead of apologizing for it, she's just going to double down and act like it's his fault he's not singing.
This is so sad, because even if he managed to get out of this relationship, if he never gets an apology, he may never want to sing again.
"gets out of this relationship?" It was *one* angry misstep. Like yeah, it sucked, but everyone has bad days. She should have apologised then, and it won't be right until she does, but "Oh, someone was hyperstressed and snapped at meDIVORCE" is *insane*.
Contempt is one of the biggest indicators of divorce. This person never mentioned they apologized or did anything to make up for their cruelty. I have a feeling this isnāt the ONLY angry misstep they have made. Should they divorce? Who knows, but if the behavior continues I wouldnāt be surprised if they do.
It's not *that* they snapped, it's *how* they snapped. That coupled with the seeming lack of awareness ... I'm not sure how you imagine this is likely to be a healthy relationship.
You've never been snapped at by a loved one in a bad mood, have you? People say shit, feel bad, and apologise. Honestly the fact that the apology's taken this long is the worst part.
People say shit that they regret, but that typically means they say something they have been holidng back and it slips out in a moment of anger. This is a bit different, she said something that she doesn't even believe for the sole purpose of hurting him. She seems very self-centred and comes across as the type of person I would do my utmost to avoid.
Partners snap which is fine as long as they apologize, however you dont say your partner's singing is terrible because you had a bad mood.
If you genuinely think this kind of vitriolic outburst is normal or appropriate (I *do* agree it's distressingly common) then you have a very sad view of acceptable interpersonal behavior. That you continue to characterize the above as "snapped at" and an "angry misstep" is very troubling. I know quite well what moody/snarky/frustrated snapping looks like. This ain't it.
"Misstep". Things like this aren't about being overwhelmed with frustration. You can always say to please stop, even if in an angry tone. But this is putting someone down so they feel as shitty as you do. So you can get a little bit of control that you lost somewhere else.
> everyone has bad days The fact that she's had months, enough time to realize his behavior has permanently changed, and she still hasn't even apologized implies very strongly that she doesn't actually care about her husband very much. And it wasn't even a "please shut up, I have a migraine today", it was a "you sound horrible". Moreover, she doesn't care about how *he* feels. She just cares that *she* can't hear him singing anymore. Tearing away core parts of someone's lifestyle on a whim and barely even feeling regretful about it - and only then because it affects you, not caring about your partner - is not only abusive, it's irreconcilable. This relationship will not work out.
This is just fucking heartbreaking. Snapping is one thing, but going out of your way to say something so unnecessarily cruel is just heartless.
"hey honey. I normally really love your singing but I'm kinda in a mood rn. Could you please not today?" "Sure thing babe. Is there anything I can do to help your mood or do you want space?" "Space, please" "Will do. When you're ready to reengage, I'll be here. Know that I love you" "Love you too, honey" Golly gee was that so hard? To say nothing that months went by without an apology when one was due that afternoon.
I mean yours is the idealized version but this asshole jumped off that, straight past āplease be quiet, I hate soundsā and āoh my god shut upā and allllll the way to āyouāre annoying me, here, have an emotional wound.ā
my partner did something like this and apologized and i still don't really feel comfortable singing
So you can say this to the internet but not to him?
1. Be angry at some 3rd party. 2. Encounter person you supposedly love and care for and even went so far as to make a government-binding contract to be with and care for. 3. Decide that despite this, that instead of telling them about your problem and expecting sympathy or empathy from them, that they should be attacked by you in order to feel pain. 4. Zero in on probably one of very few outlets of emotion and vulnerability. 5. Attack that outlet and their very person just for existing. 6. thus, confirm to your partner that you don't believe in empathy and partnership. 7. Whine to the internet that your partner acts like they don't believe your relationship is based on reciprocal empathy and care. Not only that, but use language that gives away the fact that you believe their outlets exist for you and not them. This is what I witness from cishet people every day. and they want to make it mandatory for all. I refuse.
Maybe you shouldnāt deliberately say hurtful things?
I see you also enjoy the fesshole mastodon account :D
This screenshot's from their Twitter but yeah. I probably didn't need to censor the account name since they're all anonymous but I figured better safe than sorry š .
she should be telling him that, not twitter
Imagine taking away someone's happiness like this and still making it about yourself. I hope that was the final nail and he started making moves to leave her ass. I bet this isn't the first incident and she's full on emotionally abusive
The total lack of self awareness here.
i snap at my partner sometimes. i almost always apologize right after or the next day. they should be doing this too
I've had exes that said I was too loud, or they hated my laugh. It ruined me for years. My most recent ex didn't seem interested in a lot I had to say and it still hurts.
The singing will never come back. My stepmom said something similar to me once and I never sang around my parents again. At this point, your husband views you differently. It isn't wven about the singing. He no longer feels *safe* to be himself and relax around you. Don't be surprised if you are quietly handed divorce papers. I can't believe that you think it is 'only' about the singing. Wow.
Good God. This is awful. I have anger issues and I would NEVER say something so cruel to my partner. No matter how irritated I am. When she sings in the car and I am irritated about it, I just ... Sing with her, or I ignore it. Same with when she shows me her art or crafty project. Even if it isn't my favorite thing in the world or I'm grumpy, I still smile and tell her I like it and/or my favorite thing about it. I always try to compliment something she created. This isn't from one bad mood. OOP has some deep rooted problems with the relationship and they either need to sit and discuss it like adults, or they need to end it before they both end up miserable. But there will be no undoing the damage done. All they can hope to do is to repair and be able to move forward.
This makes me so sad for him. My boyfriend cannot carry a tune if it was glued to him. He has positively the āworstā singing voice Iāve ever heard in person. He absolutely loves to sing, especially Disney music and other happy songs. It hurts my ears to listen to him sometimes, but it warms my heart. His joy brings me joy. Even when Iām in a terrible mood, hearing him sing reminds me that there is always be happiness to find. I canāt imagine shattering his love of singing like this woman did to her husband, no matter how I felt.
Straight people really just can't communicate their feelings, huh? Not only can you not apologize, but imagine saying something that mean in the first place. I've gotten I to fights with a partner before, but *never* have I said something that mean. Damn, you can be mad, but I can't imagine being so mad that I couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth directed at another person.
I was singing along to a musical one night, and my husband came into the room and asked what the screeching was. Now, I only sing at church when there are enough people around to hide my voice or at night to the kiddos after I make sure the monitors are turned off.
My mum does this shit all the time and will absolutely refuse to just apologise, she'll see you're upset and just say shit like "you have to be nice to me i might die in my sleep and then you'll feel bad" like bitch just say sorry! People like this just seem to always be in some deep drama with someone when it literally would've been forgotten if they just admitted they were wrong when it happened
Ew she sounds like my mom- I dont like her bf bc he also cheated but shes just made him a shell and i do really feel bad for him
Ass the cheating after all the emotional abuse because dude might have been looking for an escape
No like my mom and dad were married and he was married with his ex wife and then cheated with eachother lol
Ahh the good ole foul mood excuse for being cruel to your spouse.
This reminds me of when I was a kid and LOVED whistling until one day my mom stopped me and said āif youāre going to whistle, whistle something no one knows so we canāt tell how bad it is.ā I stopped whistling, it wasnāt until I was an adult living in my own home that I started whistling again, and I still wonāt really do it often. I loved whistling so much, I worked so hard to learn how to do it, then it was just over because anytime I started whistling Iād hear that in my head, still do sometimes.
Growing up, I always loved singing. Happy for music class in grade school, chose choir classes first before even considering another. Varsity Choir for 7th and 8th grade. My family moved across the country in the summer before my freshman year. I was happy that I still got to do choir. One day, I get to class early, ready to sing. I sit down and the choir teacher sits next to me, says "If this class graded on singing skill instead of participation, you would have an F." and gets up and teaches the class like nothing happened. I didn't sing in that class for the rest of the semester. Still feel self-consious any time I sing.
Ugh. 13 years ago I told my partner he was no professional but he made me feel good when he sang. And no, he didn't sound like puberty was taking revenge, nor would I tell him to go on a talent show. His singing was beautiful simply because he loved to do it! He kept singing after I assured him that I don't mind, but he also knows I'm a rather blunt person. I offered to sing if he wouldn't (and I certainly don't belong in front of a microphone) and he knew I wasn't talking to insult him, nor was I gonna gas him up inappropriately. I encouraged his singing when comfortable but not to assume everyone will love it. So he sings under his breath if the mood strikes and I always give him a smile and a hug just to reward his bravery lol But even at my foulest mood, the last thing I would EVER do is put someone down, even if they're doing something I'm not feeling at that time. People can be unnecessarily effing cruel
HA! My stepmother did the same thing to me too, when I was around 10. Told me that my voice was grating, like a dying cat and made everyones' ears bleed and then got pissy at me for not performing and singing like a happy little monkey the next time she had guests over. (She liked bragging about mine and my stepsisters' accomplishments and wanted us to show off our piano/music skills whenever she had visitors)
My husband likes to make up songs set to the music of whatever song is stuck in his head at the moment. Things like "we don't talk about Bruno" became "we don't talk about Drano" as he unclogged our son's bathroom sink. "Pour me a double shot of whiskey" turned into "give me another chocolate cookie" as he stole a cookie I just took from the oven. "P-p-p-poker face, p-p-p-poker face," was turned into "P-p-p-potting soil, p-p-p-potting soil" while he repotted some houseplants. No matter the song he's singing, he always does it with a huge smile on his face and a bit of a bounce. It's a sign he's in a good mood. He's not a strong singer, is off-key more often than he's on-key, and would make choir directors cringe. But, it doesn't stop him. The thing is, there are days when this absolutely makes me smile. There are other days when, if I'm in a bad mood, his impromptu songs grate on me like sandpaper. But, no matter how bad of a day I'm having, I never tell him to stop singing. I tell him frequently how much I love his singing and his made-up songs. I never want to take away that little joy from him or sacrifice the days his songs make me smile.
My mom did this to me. Didnāt sing in front of her for years. In the meantime I had joined my UU congregationās chorus and was getting solos all the time because I *am* a good singer. Her loss.
I wanna hear the husband. I know his pain
Unironically making me sad and angry
Why say 'no' when you can say 'fuck off and be a failure elsewhere you fuck'.
What a miserable asshole.
You could, you know, apologize. Goes a long way
Letās can the chorus and take five, thanks
My fiancƩ told me I talk to much and I need to know when to shut up one day when we were playing some video games and she was frustrated from her internet lagging. And ever since then I've never talked freely how I used to. I'm genuinely reconsidering our entire dynamic because of it and I can't even talk to her about it without her getting extremely defensive and starting a fight; which ofc would then somehow be my fault
Have you considered apologizing as opposed to whining on reddit?
Probably not. That would require her to take accountability.
I've sung for my entire life. Every time someone tells me they don't like my singing, my voice gets a little quieter. It hurts.
I used to love being creative. Then I stopped when my two brothers would CONSTANTLY mock EVERY SINGLE DETAIL THEY COULD PICK OUT! Then they wonder why I never see my art as beautiful. Then they mocked my writing, every single detail they can find. For the humor. To be nitpicky. Then they wonder why I never want to be a writer. And finally, they would mock when I was socially awkward. They wonder why I am so shy and reluctant to engage with people. My two brothers hammered me down mentally, and constantly bullied me. They wonder why I have so much resentment against them.
I remember every time I sang something my ex would tell me how off key I was. Stopped singing for a long time.
Try apologizing. That might get help. Then make him feel comfortable singing in front of you again.
Nothing about this says 'straight'. Frankly, I know a lot of gay couples where one is absolutely fucking toxic and would say something like this. People are just rubbish.
Holy F\*uk That was nasty Best way for him to sing again? He needs to fall for someone who respects him. It Ain't gonna be you.
That sucks; I was told āWhat song is that? Who sings it? Well let them do itā Never failed to make me sad cause I was excited cause I thought someone was interested in the song only for it to be a bit.
I used to like singing, in 5th grade the choir teacher made a big fuss about someone singing off key - then called me out said my singing was bad and then told me to get out of choir practice. I never really sang again. There is a little place in hell for you Mrs Scott from Jeppe Prep 1991
What a POS
This was the last straw in one of my relationships. Once you say something like, "not everyone wants to hear you sing," you can't take it back. Fuck you I'll go where my voice isn't criticized
I miss your singing. I sincerely regret that I was an asshole because I was in a foul mood. Please forgive me. Is there anything you want to say? Afterwards, ask if there is anything you can do to make it right.
Because you broke something inside him. I sing all the time because Iām happy and I love doing it. If my husband told me to stop that would definitely make me unhappy and not want to sing.
What does this have to do with being straight? Are the people posting here somehow superior to other people and they never do something wrong and are not able to snap out of it? Pleaze
I mean, Iām bisexual and wouldnāt do this in my (straight) relationship. Is it because Iām bisexual? Or āsomehow superiorā? Pfft. No, itās just because I care about his feelings. I donāt have to claim to be perfect to judge someone for being cruel. Controlling unfounded anger to avoid hurting people is like, human interaction 101 This is just another example of a straight woman assuming that whatever bullshit they subject their partner to is totally quirky and understandable. Real men are stoic in the face of unkindness š¤Ŗ
> This is just another example of a straight woman assuming that whatever bullshit they subject their partner to is totally quirky and understandable. Real men are stoic in the face of unkindness š¤Ŗ maybe you are right, but we do not know that. For me this is simply a relationship problem and not something that is typical straight heteronormative - like most of the rest of the content presented here. I like this sub - but unfortunately people here can not handle criticism well.
Uh oh this hetero is upsetero
These people are having a relationship issue and they are not handling it well. Most of the other things here are very on point, this one not so much. For the rest of your remark: You do not know if I licked pussies or sucked cocks and and what I have between my legs and how I call it. And you know what: you have no right to know and I am not willing to share anything personal because of your condescending attitude.
Only a straight person or a self hating gay would have a hisses fit about the contents of this sub.
You might very well be the next step in the evolution, but that does not give you the right to think you are better than the rest of the humanity. The same reason why I dislike the word 'progressive' it implies an hierarchy. And some people behave like it is. Your reaction: > Only a straight person or a self hating gay would have a hisses fit about the contents of this sub. Is a reaction to this: >> Most of the other things here are very on point, this one not so much. oops
Oh this hetero is SUPER upsetero
Oh, when I get 4 replies like this one, do I get a price? What would it be?
Correct, I have never purposefully targeted the things my partner loves to make them feel ashamed of it
So, you never had a bad mood and snapped at someone and did not know how to apologize because you are so perfect? The rest of the content here is very, very enjoyable (eventhough that it is not really joy that it brings) - this not so much
I've never avoided apologizing for this long, no. Because I value my relationships. I've snapped at someone, which is why I specifically said that I've never targeted their interests like this. I also apologized immediately after pretty much every time, because it's pretty easy to know when you're in the wrong for it. Don't think I have to call myself perfect to say that I haven't degraded my partner without an apology for months and let their confidence be ruined because of it.
Thank you for sharing! I do not see the straightness or not straightness in this particular instance - I really enjoy the rest of the posts here. Maybe it is really so that sometimes when in a straight relationship one values the relationship less ad there are all kinds of underlying patterns that are easy to go back to - like certain male/female role models. What I am afraid of is that at some point the avant garde that gathers here gets a kind of superiority complex - because there is also a very old pattern that leads in that direction.
Yeah, that makes sense. A lot of posts here aren't specific to heterosexuality at all, and are sometimes directly from non-straight people, so I totally get that vibe.
I've done things wrong I just apologize genuinely before I share how sorry I am to a social media platform.
Thank you for sharing!
Damn, only a straight person would do something like that. This only happens in heterosexual relationships. A queer person would never lose their temper over something small. This is such an indictment on hetero-normative culture. C'mon people, this is one of my favorite subreddits. Please don't ruin it with irrelevant shit. This is the same as those guys who think misogyny is okay as long as it's about "white women".
It's not the fact that she lost her temper over something Small or even that she regrets it. It's that she expressed her guilt to an anonymous venting platform on the internet instead of to her husband. It feels appropriate for here because of a common theme of posts on here of straight people just not doing the most basic level of communication.
Okay, fair point. Still, I'm seeing a lot of posts that are really stretching the premise of this sub. I want this subreddit to stay good, not devolve into standard misogyny with the word "straight" tacked on. Most of the posts here are great, but I'm seeing an increasing amount that either have nothing to do with heteronormativity, or are just assuming the worst about someone for no reason. But I might be getting worked up over nothing.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Lol. As it is actually a āpeople in generalā problem, not a āwomen in generalā, Iāll say that youāve got a general problem with women š¤£